soos_mite_ah

Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness Re-watched this as a reminder. I got caught up with analyzing, dissecting, and letting go of boundaries in order to get out of my comfort zone to be more open minded. While that introspection can be very valuable, it can be taken too far to where you don't honor your needs and personal truth and therefore fuel inauthenticity. Healthy boundaries and oneness doesn't have to be separate. I really liked this quote from this video. Basically use your boundaries to go toward what you want instead of using them to run away. By going towards what you truly want, you are more in alignment and therefore honoring oneness by honoring you unique expression of source energy. By using a boundary to avoid what you don't want to experience, you are using your boundaries to keep out what is unwanted instead of going towards what makes you happy (ie closing yourself from intimacy because you're afraid). Also healthy boundaries don't impose on others. Healthy boundaries can change overtime because what we feel and our authentic expression can change overtime with circumstances and growth. Allow yourself to change and therefore change your boundaries. Being fixed with a boundary that no longer serves you isn't authentic to a naturally moving and growing identity. But this change needs to be according to your feelings not other people's feelings in order to maintain authenticity.

A Fluid Identity I found this video in my recommended and the quote above pretty much how I feel about myself and my identity at the moment. I started thinking of all of the people I used to be and I made a couple Pinterest boards to visualize what I was like in different points in my life. It was fun and I had a bunch of memories come back to me. Even back when I was 16/17 I had this feeling that I have a very fluid personality because I essentially felt like a different person every other year. I feel like that flexibility becomes more and more true as time goes on. I think that's especially the case as I explore myself more and I integrate different and sometime contradictory parts of myself. I'm not embarrassed at who I used to be (ok maybe a little but I can laugh at it and see it as a part of my growth) but I feel like I can accept myself even if I do a 180 from my current state. If anything it makes me excited to see who I'm going to morph into in the future and what kind of identity I'm going to embody next. Even though I am talking about ego, I feel like this is coming from a more exploratory perspective rather than one that is geared toward attachment. It's almost like I'm having fun trying on different costumes while I'm still here. I am not talking about transcendence but I'm sure I'll get there one day. But on the way there I'm going to have more fun. I have time, there is no rush. I kind of see this process in 3 stages. You have the solid ego stage where you have a very strong yet rigid sense of self. There is a sense of stubbornness that is there but that makes the ego defined and developed in this stage. Then your ego becomes more fluid. It still has form but it's much more adaptable and flexible. There is a lot of change as the identity goes with the flow of exploration but the ego is still there. And finally, you have the airy ego where you transcend the yourself. It merges with everything and it's everywhere but nowhere like air.

I once took this test a few years back in like 2017 and my results were really different. Since then I have done a lot of self development work along with therapy and that helped immensely. I suddenly remembered this test exists so I retook it.

Yeah I agree. There is a whole gradation of explanatory factors from conspiracy theories to spiral dynamics along different levels of consciousness with the models that incorporate higher consciousness being more accurate since they are more aligned with truth. Having a better understanding of the world, utilizing my mind and critical thinking skills better, and experiencing more creativity, joy etc. are my motivations for moving up the spiral. But it still good to know that spiral dynamics also has it's own limitations and I'm sure eventually at some point one would have to transcend spiral dynamics as a model (don't confuse the map for the territory ). It's a great tool especially for communicating on this forum. I wish people I knew irl knew about spiral dynamics because it makes sense of so many things and makes it easier to explain complex dynamics. I actually originally made this account to find people I could talk about spiral dynamics with lol. I didn't really watch Spongebob as a kid either. I just know too many clips and memes from people sharing them all the time .

I can relate to this. Even though I have never been in a relationship, I notice that I lead with and base my self worth on competence and this desire to appear indestructible so no one will take advantage of me. But deep down I want someone who I can be vulnerable with so I can myself up to gentleness which is my unmet need.

Awareness vs Focus On the surface this seemed liked yet another one of those law of attraction video that talk about manifesting abundance by focusing on abundance. I don't see anything wrong with that because imo, in order to get lucky, you need to be receptive for luck. If you want to spot a yellow car you need to have your eye out for a yellow car. Same with opportunity. But my problem with these type of videos is how it perpetuates the notion of positive thinking solving everything, you're just a millionaire down on their luck, and you just need to pull yourself up from your boot strap mentality. That attitude masks over any systemic issues that are at play an can interfere with the class consciousness needed to create change. It can also be weaponized for victim blaming. I like this video however because there is a focus on manifesting and focusing on the positive but there is also an awareness of the systemic issues at play. This can be best seen by Arian Simone's whole deal with her story. My main take away is that you can be aware of something without focusing on it. Like I'm focusing on writing this journal entry rn but I'm still aware of my surroundings. I knew the distinction between awareness and focus before when I made the decision to stop watching the news back in 2018. I was like, hey I know Trump is being a dumb fuck but I don't need to have that reminder everyday. I am informed about various social issues but I don't need to ruminate on them because that isn't helping me learn. It's just making me fatalistic and depressed. Even though I knew this for a minute, I think I really needed that reminder because of some of the thoughts I've been having lately about my future. Because it isn't healthy to expect yourself to mainly focus on the bad because that's just going to bring you down to where you don't even have the hope to bring yourself back up again. It also isn't healthy to focus on everything because that is exhausting and it isn't possible. Selective focus can be a gift when you use it correctly. I'm not saying to selectively focus on the good and be uninformed with what's happening around you to where you can't create a nuanced take on what's happening but I am saying it's good to have boundaries when it comes to what you take in so that your views and motivations aren't screwed.

Limiting Attitudes Around Money I've been contemplating about my limiting thoughts towards money for the past week. I noticed that I have a lot of guilt around spending on needs and wants. There is this robe that was in my Amazon wish list for 3 years now and it costs $98. I always wrote it off as too expensive and unreasonable so I never bought it. I also calculated the amount of money I spent on myself in the past year by looking at my amazon orders, my notes, and my credit card transactions and this is what I came up with. This doesn't include necessities like food, textbooks, or toiletries: Lotion ($16): This was a bath and body works lotion so it costs a little more and smells really nice. I didn't put this under necessities because I went out of my way to treat self to something more expensive Body wash (14): Same justification as above Body Butter (4): Normally just regular lotion does it for me and I normally skip on this because my skin doesn't get that dry. But this one just smelled really good. I feel guilty because if I'm going to be honest, I didn't really need it. Hand sanitizer (6): I bought this out of impulse when I was in bath and body works. It was one of those spray on hand sanitizers and it smelled really nice. Every time I look at it, I feel irresponsible. Serum (4): Bought it because I was breaking out Face mask (5): Same justification as before. Both of these were good products and were on sale. I know buying things on sale is not a justification for unnecessary spending and I try to avoid it but this time I caved in tbh. Face wash head band thing (7): Bought it because it looked soft and cute. Honestly don't need it because tying my hair back is sufficient. 4 candles for $5 each (20): I was really depressed and then I was like *hey candles make me happy* so I bought a bunch of them. I can say that these are probably the main things keeping me sane. It was worth it. 2 shirts $15 each (30): I really wanted to buy somethings. I really liked the two shirts that I bought and they are basically my favorites now but I felt guilty while I was buying it because lets be real I didn't need it. But now, I'm glad I did tbh because I get a lot of value from them. Eyeliner (7): ran out Foundation (11): ran out. Honestly, I don't think I would spend on skin care and makeup as much if I just had nice skin. Well I'm addressing the health issues that has been causing these issues through diet, exercise, and medication so that's a start. Shoes (20): My old pair of sandals tore so I replaced them A couple of books (14): Got a lot of value from them so it was worth it. A set of pens (14): I was having trouble focusing while taking notes so I was like *what if I had a bunch of pretty colors and used them to draw to convince myself I was doing something fun to sustain my attention* This was clever and it worked but I wish I had the will power to power through my lack of focus instead of having to spend money. Clever but not really necessary. Flowers (25): I get myself flowers every Valentines day because it makes me happy. Total: $193 I was surprised with the total because I always feel that I spend much more. This averages around $16 per month. I think that's because I tend to buy a lot of things at once so when I see that I spent $50 on just treating myself to something nice all at once, I tend to feel really irresponsible and frivolous. Like, I think some part of me also believes that I don't deserve nice things. The reason why I can remember all of this for the most part off the top of my head is because I remember standing in the store or sitting in front of the computer screen thinking about whether I really need this, if I deserved to treat myself (because after all what did I accomplish to deserve it), and how much will I use it. I think it's good to ask questions instead of mindlessly buying but I noticed that I tend to over do it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I made a lot of purchases because I was feeling depressed and wanted a way to cope. That's why I bought the body butter, the fancy lotion, the fancy body wash, the hand sanitizer, the head band, and the candles. All of that totals up to $60 out of the $193. That wasn't very responsible because things won't solve my problem. Sure they can be little joy, but I can do without them. Some of it had to do insecurities like the foundation, the serum, the mask which total up to $20. Loving yourself is free, coping like this is not. I could have saved $80 had I been more responsible. I might be nit picking here but I wanted to illustrate on how I feel about these purchases. Also, even though I can afford all of these things, I still feel guilty because my mind always goes towards how people can't afford to live like this. I feel like my emotions around not feeling like I deserve nice thing come from a variety of things. 1. A form of survivor's guilt: I grew up around people who can't afford college and health care and have bigger things to worry about than buying candle when they're sad. I had the privilege to grow up financially stable without worrying about when, not if, I go to college or what would happen if I got sick. And part of me has this guilt that's like *I didn't do anything to deserve this privilege, those people didn't do anything to deserve suffering* Treating yourself seems so frivolous when there are bigger problems in the world. Even though I didn't experience financial issues first hand I did know a lot of people who did and I think I absorbed those experiences. I think it's the survival mechanism where you see people around you struggling so then your brain is like *oh shit what if you're next, better prepare like there's no tomorrow because THAT could be you.* On top of all of this, I also had people assume bad things about me because my parents were financially stable even though I keep things low key and don't show off . 2. Millennials and avocado toast: I know there is that whole thing where boomers shame millennials for avocado toast and say that it's the reason why they can't buy a house or it's why they have student loan debt and how they just need to stop spending money on frivolous things and pull themselves up from their bootstraps. I remember as a kid having teachers and relatives lecture at me and my peers on how you millennials are entitled and how we expect everything to be handed to us because of how we live in a time of instant gratification. None of this made sense to me at the time because I was like 10 and so I was just sitting there like *ok and what do you want me to do about that....* All of this made even less sense as I got older because I began understanding systemic issues and how telling people to stop drinking lattes won't fix their financial problems unless they were drinking like a $1000 worth of lattes every month (and also, how tf would you even do that lol). Basically it's the whole attitude of if you have money problems, it's your fault and if you try to get yourself something nice, you are financially ruining yourself. My head always knows better but my heart and my subconscious mind just soaked everything up like a sponge and now here I am. 3. Being a disposable person under capitalism: I think capitalism has convinced me that my needs are luxuries and my wants are irresponsible. I notice myself feeling with this especially with health care. One time I was joking with a friend on how if I get cancer, go into coma, or get hooked up to a ventilator because I caught COVID while having a weak immune system and if the insurance doesn't cover it, I'd rather just die than get the medical attention I need and then have to deal with crippling debt for the rest of my life. Like natural selection caught me slippin and I went out like a g lmao. And life is so expensive for what? I'm not even having a good time lol. But on serious note, yeah medical attention is necessary to not die, but it's priced as a luxury. I had friends who have had mysterious migraines for years straight or have a limp because they got hit by a car once and they never got that checked because their families couldn't afford to do so. I think there is this part of me that sees myself as completely disposable. I know I was just joking and it was just dark humor but the more I think about it, the darker it is and the less humorous it is. 4. My parents being emotionally unavailable: My parents always provided for me financially pretty well growing up. Occasionally during arguments they would be like "we're spending all of this money on good schools only for you to misbehave what's wrong with you?" I also had adults around me about how kids are expensive and not worth it, how they're just leeches and burdens until they move out. Like they aren't wrong, but I think that messed up my self esteem as an 8 year old. Like I remember calculating how much my schooling costs and looking up how much it costs to raise a kid. That led to the following beliefs: I'm not going to have a kid in this economy in this trash world. I'm a burden and a leech. I owe my parent's financially and I have to pay them back. And even though my parents never told me that they regret having me, that they expect something from me, or told me that was spoiled or expensive, I feel that because they didn't provide me with much emotional support, our relationship felt more transactional thus leading me to feel that I financially owe them for putting a roof over my head as a kid. And in my mind, asking for help or support has always been difficult when it comes to being raised in an emotionally unavailable household, but when it comes to money, well you can add feeling like a leech into the mix. Note: I would never say to another person that they are obligated to their parents, especially financially for doing what they were supposed to do. After, all they chose to have a kid, you didn't choose to be born. It's up to them to raise you well so that you're provided for and so yall have a healthy relationship with one another. You're not obligated to them, they are obligated to you as a part of their responsibilities and life decisions as a parent. I think I have a double standard for myself because of my self esteem issues. The effects of all of this include, not being able to spend money for fun, freaking out about my ability to support myself in the future, under selling myself because I don't think I have value and that I'm disposable, being freaked out by emergency expenses and seeing needs as luxuries, and being pessimistic about growing up and life after college because of all of those things. That's why I want to address my limiting views on money. I think it stops me from advocating for myself, valuing myself, and manifesting what I want in life. As I began contemplating this, I realized that a lot of my issues with my mindset around money as issues around self esteem and not feeling worthy or deserving, Here are some videos I found helpful:

I've been contemplating my views around money and I tend to wonder if I'm cheap or if I'm too indulgent. I notice that whenever I try to spend more than $15 on anything nice for myself, I feel this need to be like "that's too much money I can't have it better detach from this to save because I don't know when I might need the money." There are also emergency things that come up and most of the time my parents pays for those things (like how our house needed repairs after the most recent storm and medical issues) but even though they are the ones paying and they are in a financially secure place, I catch myself panicking internally and wanting to not do things that I probably need to do because of the costs associated (this is especially true with health related things because I'm nervous about insurance not covering things and out of pocket costs because the US health care system is a mess). I guess I have this thing in my mind where I think I have to save every penny in order to have a decent and secure life without debt especially while I'm young. In my mind when I think of treating myself, my mind immediately goes to*well what about retirement, paying for your future kids college, stockpiling enough money to have a years worth of expenses at hand, being able to afford emergency expenses etc. you don't deserve to buy ____ unless you have all of that covered as soon as possible. I mean lets be real you don't NEED this. There are people in tougher situations than you and you're thinking about spending a little more money? Just be grateful for what you have, you don't need material things to give you joy. It's fleeting and a waste of time and money* Mind you I grew up financially stable and people would describe my family as upper middle class. I've been like this since I was a kid so basically as long as I can remember. Because of that, I think it's been normalized in my mind to think this way so idk if I'm doing the most or if I'm being reasonable.

Funny enough my parents always made fun of that stereotype which is why they are even more confused about why I turned out this way. They're like "well neither one of us modeled this behavior so where are you getting this from." My mom tries to tell me the same thing lol but I still catch myself feeling nervous around things that aren't an absolute necessity. I'm trying to look into those emotions more and work through them.

I think the biggest thing is being more emotionally open and empathetic. That can consist of a lot of things including but not limited to Practicing more kindness and expressing appreciation Opening up to both your male and female friends instead of feeling like you have to be strong all the time Acknowledging when you need help and asking for it instead of feeling like you have to do everything yourself Prioritize human connection and intimacy Self care and taking time for yourself for things like a nice face mask, a bubble bath, and doing your eyebrows. That goes a long way Letting yourself cry

I guess I didn't articulate myself really. What I was trying to hint at with "I never really had the urge to buy fancy cars, a big house, designer things and things of that nature" was that I don't view it as a desire to have a lot of extra wealth lying around for the sake of it. Of course, I don't have to buy those things if I don't want to even if I have the income for it. When I imagine myself being rich, I imagine myself living a pretty minimalist life and spending all that money either on my life purpose/ passion or a cause I really care about. While that is goal I intend to reach one day, I'm willing to have patience. The reason why I stress the difference between being financially secure and being wealthy is because to me the difference is the amount of extra money you have lying around to do whatever. I'm probably rambling at this point, but I think it's really unjust and sad that necessities like education, health care, and rent is something that a lot of people have to stress over. It's one thing to want to aim high because you have some fun aspiration like idk a nicer car than what you currently drive and it's a totally different thing to feel like you need to aim high because you don't want to get sucked into a terrible living situation with a lot of debt, instability, and lack of agency. I've been making it a point to look into side hustles and basic financial literacy since I was 16. Figuring out what to do isn't as much of a problem as the emotions that I have wrapped around my circumstance which can cloud good judgement and can get neurotic. I don't think it's so much about making money as it is figuring how to deal with the guilt and the shame around using that money. I feel like even if I were to make a good amount of money, there will always be this voice in my head saying that I'm not deserving enough and that I need to save that money in case of emergency instead of letting me enjoy myself and what I have worked for.

The main things they have implemented is aim for a high paying career or you'll be broke, don't impulse buy things, invest in necessities like your health and education guilt free, don't show off really expensive things because that can look douchey, and don't define people over whether or not they have any type of status symbols because materialistic things don't define a person. To me all of those are reasonable except for the high paying career one. Like mom, I love you but I don't have the desire to be a surgeon or investment banker because of the money. Deciding not to go to Harvard isn't going to put me in poverty. If anything, they think it's weird that I'm this frugal and this oriented around saving. I don't know if they are coming from a place of reason where they don't want me to go into this scarcity, penny pinching mindset where I'm depriving myself or if this attitude is coming from a place of boomer privilege because the world was much easier back when they were around my age and they could just save money for college by working a minimum wage job during the summer and avoiding lattes. I think what impacted me more than my parents is the socioeconomic area that I grew up in. Most of the people in my area are mainly lower middle with middle class people mixed in. I think I developed some type of survivor's guilt around money because seeing people having issues with rent, health care costs, and deciding whether or not they can go to college even though they are straight A students makes me think *well damn, what did I do to deserve my situation? Sure I'm spending on things I need for some people this is a luxury.* That's not to say that I denied my privileged when conversations about these things came up. Denying that type of thing is disrespectful because it's like you're acting as if you went through something you actually didn't thus creating a false sense of empathy. But I was pretty low key in my socioeconomic status because I didn't want to shove it into people's faces. It was more about being respectful about other people's circumstances rather than a need to hide my situation. Can you please expand on this. I'm just curious. I'm not really looking to be wealthy, just financially secure about my future. I never really had the urge to buy fancy cars, a big house, designer things and things of that nature. I just want to have enough money to where I don't feel like I have to think or worry about it and so that I can have some agency in mind. I want to continue having that financial peace of mind I had growing up but even that seems idealistic, difficult and privileged because of the way the middle class is shrinking and because of the way people's quality of life is dropping.

March 13th I remember this day last year pretty well. I had 3 exams in my classes. I aced two of them and the third one was cancelled. My professor said fuck it, he'll put the exam online since after spring break my college planned for 2 weeks of online classes after spring break. I was excited about that news and made my way back to my dorm. I sneezed on the way there and there was a guy who was far away from me who gave me the death stare. The whole situation with the lockdowns, the toilet paper running out of store shelves, and everything going online seemed absurd. A week ago, my study abroad trip was cancelled. Two days ago, I was told that we were moving online. It was all happening faster than I can emotionally process. There wasn't any panic from my end but the situation seemed so outlandish that my friends and I felt as if we had no choice but to make light of the situation because honestly, wtf. Also, all of this was on a Friday, Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstitious at all before but I can't say the same now lol. When I made it back to my dorm, I began packing my things. My roommate was doing the same. We were both thinking that this was going to be an extended version of spring break. We were also dancing around to this song because we thought it was funny. This is a song from Vietnam that was a public service announcement. Their target audience was children and their goal was to explain the situation in a simple and age appropriate way so that the kids get motivated to wash their hands and take precautions. If I didn't look at what the lyrics meant and didn't know what corona was, I would think that this song was fire lol. Vietnam: 3 U.S.: -1 Vietnam won the war with the U.S. did an amazing job with handling the virus, and managed to drop a hit single while the U.S. has been a complete mess this past year But on the bright side, my dad finally got the first dose of the vaccine today. He is scheduled to get the next one 3 weeks from now in April. Also, the U.S. managed to get a 100 million people to get their first dose already. That's on track with Biden's goals for his first 100 days. I don't agree with a lot of things when it comes to Biden and he wasn't my first choice but I am so glad he is taking some actual action with this. Trump on the other hand didn't even make a distribution plan for the vaccines before he left as a last *fuck you* for the next administration. Biden's administration also had a shorter time to move in and adjust because Trump refused to step down for a few weeks because he is a child. Normally, as soon as the election is done, there is a transition period from November to inauguration day in January so the next people in power can do what they need to do before taking office. Biden didn't have that same amount of time nor did he have anything to build on for vaccine distribution from the previous administration so the fact that he is making strides to get people vaccinated is great. https://www.aol.com/bidens-first-50-days-where-051008497-104724252.html https://www.cbsnews.com/news/covid-vaccine-100-million-shots-united-states/ And the cases have been dropping consistently lately so that's good. There has been 48808 new cases today which is around the level of how it was back in late June 2020. However, that same can't be said about the number of active cases unfortunately. But that dip in recent days says that we're at least going somewhere........ I guess

I've hit a similar wall recently because the amount of time alone I've had because of COVID. I don't think it's healthy to be alone 99% of the time unless you reached a certain point in consciousness work. I think what can happen to people from my experience is that they can get attached to detaching. By that I mean they are attached to whatever they think that detachment will bring them or because they having issues getting their needs met, they resort to detaching from those needs as a survival mechanism to reduce/ numb pain. Detaching prematurely, especially when it comes to needs that are unmet, can create a lot of shadows and then lead to repression. If this resonates, I would encourage you to try to meet and exhaust those needs until it isn't a need anymore. If the circumstances around you is so that you can't meet those needs ,work around them, but if it's something that is out of your control, I'd say respect and honor those needs instead of trying to transcend them for the time being Even though detachment can be challenging, there is a part of it that should feel natural because it is aligning with your current stage of development. Detaching too soon can lead to constant backlashes. Those backlashes aren't failures or a lack of will power rather it is a sign saying "hey, there is something here you haven't fulfilled or exhausted yet. Check this out or else there will be more backlashes telling you the same thing." Considering there is a part of you that knows stage orange goal oriented stuff won't make you happy, I wouldn't recommend doing pua stuff. Emotionally, you're recognizing those limits and they aren't resonating so doing that won't fulfill that need. There is a huge gap between stage orange and transcending your needs through consciousness work. Nothing wrong with doing the latter at any point, but when it comes to exhausting your needs, it's better to go step by step so you avoid shadows and repression. What about your stage green need, wants, and desires? How far do you think you exhausted those?

Pinterest I've been feeling like I've been doing better since I have cut down on the amount of self development/ spiritual content I have been consuming. Instead I have been connecting back to my likes and dislikes, my needs and wants etc. I feel rejuvenated despite journaling more often than usual on here. I feel more normal in a way, like I'm connecting more to my basic bitch side and that makes me feel like I'm more relatable and that I can go out and make more connections. This is a video that really resonated with me and where I feel I'm at. I also made a pinterest board. I originally started out figuring out what kind of clothes I wanted to buy. Then I started pinning a bunch of random things that I found pretty like aesthetics, room decor, and things I'm drawn to. I feel like it captures the vibe I feel like I resonate with. This whole thing felt strangely healing and restful. I wasn't expecting that but it was a pleasant surprised. I think it's because I'm acknowledging my form as an ego by focusing on my likes and preferences more and honoring that in a healthy way without feeling this constant need to detach. I have talked a lot about getting attached to detachment at length in my previous posts so I'm not going to reiterate that again even though I think it's related. I made a smaller board that captures my aesthetic more concisely for the sake of this journal. I don't know how this will show up in this journal but things that I noticed while making this is that I'm really drawn to lighter color palettes. The reason why I note that is because I remember a few years back I had this phase where I was the opposite where I was attracted to a lot of dark colors especially burgundy. My closet is still mainly black and burgundy. To me, my boards also gives me an airy vibe as well. The minimalist, less is more, lets get rid of anxiety and any other emotional/spiritual baggage by decluttering so that our space and mind isn't as busy vibe is still there as it has been since 2017 for me. It just looks different now with a different color palette and more flowers. I also find myself really drawn to florals, earth tones, and this particular neckline (I have no idea how to describe tbh but it's the white dress towards the center bottom of this picture) as far as clothes go. I think that gives it a more feminine and romantic energy which reflects my desire to be more vulnerable and be in a relationship but since I can't do that I'm going to resort to romanticizing my life so that I can step into my main character energy and also be gentle with myself. And honestly, I think that's a better idea than to go out dating during a pandemic especially considering the feat it is for me to find a man that actually impresses me. I think it's safe to say that most men disappoint me and that I'm better at loving myself, being patient with myself, being supportive with myself than any male that I've encountered. This is definitely my Virgo venus and my Capricorn mars talking lol. Ok rant over I'm going back to analyzing my aesthetic as if I'm in an art class. There is also this ethereal, almost heavenly essence that complements the airy yet romantic energy. I think this has to do with the amount of white in a lot of the outfits an the room décor images. I guess it's because when I think of a cartoonish version of heaven I imagine angels wearing all white surrounded by white clouds in a white background and then you go to a comfortable bed in a room with your favorite foods while getting a massage. This is further displayed but the amount of skincare pictures and perfume pictures I have on my boards. It's like they represent a more gentle and soothing version of self care focused on lighthearted indulgence as opposed to the messy side of self care that consists of digging through your trauma in therapy, crying at 2 am, and a lot of emotional labor. It goes along with the theme of wanting to take a break from a lot of the self actualization work I've been up to in the last few years. Finally, there is an element of dreaminess involved. I think it has to do with my escapist tendencies when it comes to dealing with the world being on fire. I tend to cope with this chaos either by daydreaming about moving to New Zealand where the politicians don't believe in Jewish space lasers, by studying different systems so I gain a sense of control through my understanding of the world, and then all else fails, resort to astrology and tarot because I feel that in order to hold on to some form of hope, I need something that is like religion. But the thing is that I'd rather deal with stage green tiktok witches rather than stage blue religious fundamentalists who believe that trans people will burn in hell. I was pretty angsty before as a teenager and there was a part of me that wanted to fight, was super angry about everything, and fantasized about punching Nazis as if I was some type of protagonist in a YA dystopian novel. My angst now is much less triggered and angry despite the world being even more of a wreck and that part of me that wanted to start a fight before now just wants to take a depression nap and then suddenly wake up in a stage green/yellow paradise. I think as I've been embracing my emotions more for the last couple years, I've been moving away from my Scorpio rising and Scorpio sun (even though it's still there) and leaning into my Pisces moon energy that I've been denying for a long time because I didn't like being described as sensitive and day dreamy. Side note: For the longest time I was into astrology ironically for the memes but I feel like what's happening to me now is the whole phenomenon where you start of making fun of something, then you move into doing it ironically, and next thing you know you actually like it. As I've been typing this, I can't take myself seriously and I can't type anything regarding my astrological placements with a straight face but at the same time, I can't say I'm not 100% joking . I'm turning into one of those people lol

Even though I'm a woman, I noticed that too. These are my thoughts and observations. Obviously because of my lack of experience in that position, there is only so much as I can say. The patriarchy puts men against each other because in a certain way they see men as disposable and needing to prove their worth. The patriarchy also sees women as disposable but with both genders their worth is determined by materialistic signifiers of worth based on different gender roles. Men do a lot of things just to impress other men more so than to impress women. There is also stuff in regards to unhealthy masculinity that was praised in earlier times because of survival mechanisms back in the day (but some of it trickles into present day) like brute force, control, harsh self discipline, material success etc. A lot of it is very stage red,blue, and orange. I remember watching a video that talks about men having issues coming up with an archetype that is past all that because historically there hasnt been an archetype that integrates the feminine to create a healthy sense of masculinity. None of my stage green or orange/green guy friends participate in on those behaviors tbh. They either outgrew that phase when they were younger or they see that type of behavior as below them. They also tend to describe themselves as more connected to their feminine side instead of being traditionally masculine. That's cool and all but note, this seen more of a deviation of masculinity rather it's own trope or archetype of masculinity because it isnt as prevalent in society. By that I dont mean that you dont find men like that, but I mean that when you watch movies, go on the internet etc, that representation isnt there. I also think there is something to be said about the competitive and hierarchical nature of stage red, blue, and orange which is what people usually think of in the term "traditionally masculine." Its at odds with a lot of green values such as cooperation and flattening hierarchies. So even if a stage green guy has a healthy masculinity rooted in confidence because he doesnt feel the need to compete, to men stuck in the previous stages, he is seen as a beta.

Yeah I can see situations where that can be the case. Idk about you but I think the desire for analysis comes from the desire of control because if you know what's going on, there is more of a sense of predictability and therefore more stability in the face of chaos. I see myself feeling this way about spiral dynamics and the stages of ego development because, it gives you a map of how to grow and how the world grows. I also feel like this clip is applicable sometimes when I want to relax and empty my brain.

I have the same issue. I get so bogged down yet excited over analyzing things only to end up tired. I sometimes wish there was an off button to my mind so I can just be. I guess I have to exhaust my need for analysis and then I can move on to being

I've been contemplating the relationship between survival and selfishness for the last few days. In a lot of cases, survival can be separate from selfishness imo because just because you do something that serves you doesn't mean you are taking advantage of others or demeaning them. For instance, recognizing your emotional needs and finding ways to meet them consciously, setting boundaries to ensure that you don't get into unhealthy situations that jeopardize your physical and emotional health, and finding a really grounding and conscious life purpose are all forms of survival yet they aren't selfish. I think it's important to be able to differentiate between survival and selfishness. Selfishness on the other hand is when someone tries to achieve survival in unconscious means. Now, I guess where things can get tricky is determining what is conscious survival and unconscious survival because you have a bias oriented towards the priorities of your current stage of development. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all selfishness is survival at work but all survival isn't selfishness.

There is a difference between state of consciousness and stage. I can pop a tab of LSD and experience a turquoise, nondual state, but that doesn't mean I'm at stage turquoise. You can have transcendental experiences, enlightenment experiences, or find a great deal of peace through meditation at any stage. But it takes a lot of work, a lot of integration, a lot of digging through shadows to get to a higher stage.

Is it possible to absorb other people's trauma by watching them suffer in difficult circumstances even though you yourself havent gone through the same thing? Like I have seen people go through some things and I guess as a survival mechanism my mind is like "well shit I need to learn from that so that I dont end like that person." And next thing I know I'm extra cautious and sometimes anxious about something that didnt effect me personally.....yet. Is this something that just happens with people who tend to be more empathetic?

Yes enlightenment and transcendence is more humanity and love. But before you go to transcendence, you need to go through integration. That's why stage Yellow is before stage Turquoise. Integration of all of the stages in order to ensure that you have worked through your shadows is essential in providing the foundation for transcendence. If you try to transcend your needs before meeting them, you risk creating a shadow for that need. Yes, transcendence and stage turquoise is higher than integration and stage yellow but integration is just as important and isn't lesser to transcendence. Yes you can have physical preferences and yes you can have emotional needs. None of those make you superficial or needy. It just matters on the way you go about meeting those needs. As far as emotional needs goes, there are some people who get dependent on their partner and expect them to be therapist and provider. That's not a healthy way of going about those needs for either party. But wanting a supportive partner who you feel like you can be vulnerable with because you feel emotionally safe can create an intimate connection that benefits both parties. Same goes for the need for sex and physical preference. An unhealthy way of going about it is reducing the other person's worth down to physical appearance as if that is the main thing that matters. Women have suffered a lot from this by things like objectification , the way we are expected to adhere to beauty standards, and the messed up notion that women lose their value after a certain age because they are no longer attractive. A healthy way to go about meeting needs for sex and physical preferences is acknowledging them but not wrapping all of your standards up with appearances and instead also taking the other persons personality and agenda into consideration. I feel that women are generally better at this because we can acknowledge our preferences when it comes to what we like about the male form. Not to be vulgar but we do talk about the attractiveness of the male body and sex in general similar to how guys talk about liking asses and tits. Many of us are also ok with casual sex and that's ok. But the thing is that we don't base a man's worth solely on those things because we don't objectify men they way they objectify us. You can see this in a societal and institutional scale as well.

@Nahm I believe we think, feel, and live in our perception since it is our world view. It's very difficult to step outside of it given things like bias, indoctrination, survival etc. Some perceptions and thoughts are clearer and more aligned with truth than others.

Rejecting Humanness and Human Needs: Integration vs Transcendence I decided to compile what I've been thinking with some things that were discussed in page 32 of the Teal Swan thread above along with the video that was mentioned there. I wanted everything to be in one place to provide a background for this brief post. I've been contemplating about survival, selfishness, meeting you needs, enforcing your boundaries etc. I think part of my backlash has to do with me trying to skip integration and jump into transcendence. It's important to know that even after knowing deep truths that you will still have needs and that's ok. We risk developing shadows and getting into dangerous situations when we try to aim for transcendence prematurely without going through the stage of integration. Goes back to the whole thing about needing to build a strong and healthy ego before ego death. That's why stage yellow is an important foundation to turquoise. Stage yellow is integrative while stage turquoise is transcendent. And I know that I have to go much deeper into yellow and exhaust my needs from the other stages before jumping to turquoise. I believe that Teal Swan has a more integrative approach given how she talks about making peace with your shadow and integrating that to your identity to have a healthier ego and way of going about the world, while Leo has more of a transcendent approach given how he talks about enlightenment, letting go of the ego, and everything being an illusion

Oooofff mood