soos_mite_ah

@Etherial Cat Thank you

I feel that. One time I decided to buy this pack of cosmic brownies out of nostalgia (and because I was craving chocolate) and I was thinking of how when I was 7 or so my friends and I thought they were the shit. Like everyone would try to trade the rest of their snacks just to have an extra cosmic brownie. Then I tried to eat it again when I was 18 and I just didn't get the hype but it wasn't bad. Another time I tried to do the same with a twinkie and that was nasty. There are foods that I wonder how tf I ate when I was a kid. I guess as I started eating healthier and branched out to different foods not only my taste buds changed but so did the scope at which I compare foods to. That cosmic brownie doesn't taste like the best thing in the world when you have tried other brownies. I think that excitement in childhood comes from a lack of experience and not having anything to compare things to subconsciously or consciously. One thing I've been trying to do is see things with fresh eyes and let go of judgement/ comparison in order to be present and take in a moment for what it is. I mean I've seen plenty of people who don't experience those things still get childhood nostalgia in their late teens- early 20s. I think over the years technology has heightened this nostalgia since everything is more accessible. My dad and I found this channel where they have reruns of a bunch of shows from the 70s and 80s. My dad doesn't really get nostalgic over his childhood but he does get nostalgic over his 20s and 30s and watching those shows just brings those feelings more to the surface but in a better way. When it comes to technology and accessibility, I can't bring those things up without talking about the internet. Before you would have to go to your attic and search through old things or ask your parents about what things were like back then but now you can just search that stuff up. For me, if there is something in my childhood that I vaguely remember, I can just search it online. There are so many time I went on Instagram and saw a meme only for it to unlock a memory I forgot I had lmao. I feel that. I started watching a couple episodes of the Fairly Odd Parents a couple days ago. I think it can be a little bit of a backlash. I think moving into adulthood is a very big transition in a person's life because you have been a child all your life and then suddenly, you're not and you never will be. It's a weird experience and for the first few years even if you have adult responsibilities that you are taking care of well, there is a part that makes you feel like you're a kid cosplaying as an adult. That transition can breed all types of problems (imposter syndrome, anxiety of what to do with the rest of your life, depression because you don't have the childlike sense of wonder etc.) and resurface a lot of issues from you're childhood because you're old enough to know what is right and wrong but young enough to remember a lot of what happened growing up. No it's actually really common. I also have a theory about this and how it relates to pop culture. There is a saying that trends come back every 20 or so years. That could consist of anything from TV/ movie remakes to fashion. My theory is that the reason why trends come back about every 20 years is because a lot of young people get nostalgic over their early childhood (that's especially easy since most of us don't remember much and therefore have a very rosy picture of pop culture) and then they bring back trends. Those things become mainstream because youth culture has a huge influence over what's popular. Then there is a feed back loop where you look at the trends, you get nostalgic, you give into the trends, the trends become even more popular and more people get nostalgic. I don't think nostalgia is something you need to let go. Playing club penguin can be a nice break and escape lol. But I think it's still really important to be aware that you might be looking through rose toned glasses and that the past wasn't necessarily all that or else we risk making the same mistakes we did back then or we try to go back when it isn't viable anymore. I think when this is taken to the absolute extreme, you get a lot of conservative ideology and suddenly you're surrounded by a bunch of old people saying Make America Great Again because they want to go back to the 1980s. My dad and I were having a conversation about this. I think it has to do with how you perceive time as you get older. My dad is in his 60s and he was talking about how the last 10 years felt like it went by really quickly but I had a different experience. As someone in their early 20s, those same 10 years felt really long because it's literally 1/2 of my life whereas for my dad it's like 1/6. And plus you're growing, freshly experiencing so many things, and having your life circumstances change when you're young so you tend to grow and develop much more thus making that time feel longer. Like there is a huge difference in where you are in life compared to being 10 vs 20 than from 50 vs 60. This reminded me of something that happened when I was in school. I had a friend who was 17 and he was cringing at what he was like at 14 and my teacher overheard this and was cringing lol. My teacher was like "that was like 3 years a go it wasn't that long ago."

Been feeling lost lately but this made me feel a little more found.

From my experience, a lot of older people tend to be more explicitly racist than younger racist people. But I've met pleanty of people 25 and under who are racist. And it isnt just a small pocket of people. Don't know where you live lol. Progress is much MUCH slower than that. I'm sure people thought the same thing when segregation ended where they thought if the generation of old people died off we'd live in a progressive fantasy.

In addition to this being a critique on green, I also think this perception is a stage orange critique of turquoise. Things like "you are god" or "I'm god" sound delusional when you're at orange or you don't have any background knowledge of nonduality. It reminds orange people of blue, how faith based it was, and how it had this notion of divine rights/ being a prophet.

@Raphael The video emphasizes integration and developing a healthy ego because that is more aligned with oneness and authenticity than a weak ego. I highly recommend checking it out. Yeah an ego that is arrogant, insensitive or not confident is still ego. The video is talking about an unhealthy ego. To get over it, premature transcendence isn't going to help. Instead, you need to build a healthy and strong ego. And I feel that this video is talking about that instead of talking about transcending. A weak, undeveloped ego is the enemy. Mastery over the ego so it manifests healthily is not the enemy. I've had a similar experience in the last couple months. I think this is yet another one of those pieces of advice that can either be helpful or harmful given where you are in your journey.

Thoughts?

No that screams overcompensation and just shows how out of control and insecure you are. It's like those little chihuahuas that feel the need to bark and look aggressive because they are tiny and feel easily threatened therefore they need to assert dominance.

Both are awful. But if it came down to choosing my battle, I'd choose the unhealthy levels of detachment because it will force me to get over him quicker so I can move on and find someone worth my time. If a man is extremely desperate, worst case scenario I might have to get a restraining order or call the cops and then live in fear for a long time. Possessiveness and seeking dominance are also a factors that need to be considered and can be present whether a guy is clingy or unavailable. You can be extremely emotionally unavailable and see the other person as an object that you don't empathize with but you want to have for yourself. That can lead to a huge lack of empathy and psychotic behavior.

I mainly took that as the point that the ego comes up as a survival mechanism and it's not bad or evil for being that way and therefore shouldn't be demonized. I think I remember seeing another video (can't remember what it was) and it was describing the ego as the devil but it wasn't in a demonizing way rather it was on how the ego is like a fallen angel. It's like a guardian angel in the way that it helps you survive and thrive but eventually it falls from grace and become a hindrance when you move into higher qualities of consciousness. Like I'll use abuse as an example. Lets say there is a child who is hyper aware of the emotions people are experiencing around him and he had to develop that skill of reading between the lines because his parents never communicated things to him and punished him for not reading their mind or he needed to catch warning however subtle they may be in order to prepare for an anger outburst. This coping mechanism of being hyper sensitive and empathetic worked back then but when that boy grows up and is in a healthier environment, those same qualities turn into anxiety. I think the ego works in a similar way. I've been thinking about all of this for a minute and these are my thoughts on the subject: Yeah I agree with this. Waging a war with the ego causes more resistance. It also causes more disintegration which is at odds with oneness.

3/23/2021 Being In Progress Part 2 This part 2 is just me copying and pasting relevant journal entries from the previous post I did multiple journal posts on this but I thought I post one of them that summarizes my key takeaways that I intend on integrating. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And here it is: I feel like in this last month or so I worked through a lot of shame. Even though I still have problems in my life, I no longer beat myself up for some of them. I see this as an example of being more gentle with myself. I'm proud of myself for that. I deleted all of my social media a while ago and I think that really helped me mind my own business.

3/23/2021 Being in Progress I bolded the stuff that is in progress at the moment and wrote down some stuff that I'm doing on the side as a reference. I haven't completed anything (I mean I came up with this list 3 days ago) but this is a good way to see where I'm at and give credit where it's due. I italicized the stuff that I can't take care of at the moment or that I'm purposefully delaying because of my circumstance.

This thread reminded me of a video I found a while back

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 6: Family Dynamics I can't believe that I forgot to talk about this when I was doing my whole series on competence. The dynamics in my family had a large impact on why competence was something I strived for and how it turned into an identity for me. Firstly, my mom was a stay at home mom who was financially dependent on my dad. She doesn't know English that well and has trouble communicating so she is very reliant on my dad. When I hit around 9, she began depending on me. This whole situation I believe caused me to grow up faster and messed with the whole mother daughter dynamic to where I felt as if the roles were flipped. On top of that, she is emotionally stunted and 10 year old me felt compelled to explain how somethings were right and wrong. I didn't have a competent mother figure and my dad was worn out by how dependent my mom was on him and he would always tell me that I have to be independent and have my life together so I don't end up like her. In some situations, that's understandable but in others it was him catastrophizing or making a big deal out of things. Like I remember one time when I was 8 I didn't close the door to the garage all the way and my dad yelled at me for 45 minutes about how I have attention issues and how I'm going to end up like my clueless and helpless mother with no future if I keep this up. It was a complete over reaction. Which brings me to my next point. I have ADHD and my parents were dead set against getting me diagnosed because they didn't want me to get into ADHD drugs which have a lot of side effects and they didn't want the diagnosis to be on my records. So they tried to "discipline" it out of me. Situations like the one I explained previously played out frequently when I was little. There was an idea that was drilled into my head back then and that was, if you don't have your life together or if you make one wrong move, you life is going to be ruined, you'll be locked in a psych ward, and you'll be drugged. Yeah, that's quite a bit of pressure for someone who is like 8. Next you have my dad, my uncle, and my aunt. They are all pretty emotionally stunted, some more than others. And from a young age I felt like I couldn't trust authority, that I have to figure things out on my own, and that I have to always be the bigger person in a conflict. I think it's good that I compelled myself to think independently instead of blindly being led straight to hell. But it has to do with what is age appropriate. Like thinking for yourself is essential to growing into an independent adult who can think critically, but a small child shouldn't have to figure things out on their own because they didn't have proper guidance. That's a lot to ask for a kid. When it comes to being the bigger person in a conflict, in most equal adult relationship, I believe that ideally people should switch being the bigger person. Sometimes in a conflict you're the bigger person and sometimes it's the other person. But if you find yourself in a situation where you're the one who is ALWAYS the bigger person, it can get tiring because of how imbalanced the dynamic is. You wouldn't always have to be the bigger person if the people around you measured up. I'm sure in my case it's even more tiring because as a child, I'm not supposed to have a super equal dynamic with my parents, much less a dynamic where I'm always the bigger person. As a kid, you're supposed to mess up and have the adults around you come to help you understand. It isn't supposed to be the other way around. I was expected to reach an unhealthy level of competence at a young age. And finally, I didn't grow up with sibling or with extended family in the country. I didn't have anyone I could rely on for guidance especially since the adults around me are so childish. I basically used the internet as a way to cope and find information about whatever was bothering me. I guess I'm lucky that I didn't end up on really weird places on the internet thank to my judgement at the time. That combined with self help and therapy makes me feel like emotionally I basically had to raise myself. I had to be competent doing that if I wanted to have a future. I think a lot of this also impacted how I view having kids and parenting. This is an extreme view I hold but I believe that the vast majority of people should not have children because they are unfit to do so consciously. To me, raising kids is such a delicate process and things can easily go really wrong but people treat it like it's something that everyone does eventually. And that's why we have so many messed up adults. I went through a phase where I was angry at my parents for not raising me better. Not only did I have to figure things out on my own and grow up before my time but I also have to spend thousands of dollars and countless hours on fixing the mess they created. I know that they did the best that they could given the tools they were given from their upbringing. They grew up in much tougher circumstances and what helped them survive in those situations are counterproductive and harmful in the present situation. Survival and what is considered healthy is subjective to the environment you're in. While I was empathetic to all that and was able to forgive them, there was a lot of judgement on my part and how I judged them on their competence as adults and parents. As they say, the things we judge in others are also the things we judge in ourselves. So it's not surprising that I'm nervous about having a family when I'm older because I don't want to be the messed up parent that my kid would have to heal from.

You'd be surprised by the amount of men who dont know and/or dont care and the amount of women who have mediocre to unsatisfactory sex because of it.

The Original To Do List I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around 75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items) , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal. I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm ~~~***manifesting***~~~ Gain clarity about career/life purpose Retake the life purpose course Get an internship Achieve financial freedom Move out of my parents’ house Cultivate a clear vision (main character energy) Stop demonizing capitalism Stop procrastinating Be gentle with yourself Create more discipline through empathy Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself Don’t compare yourself to others Work through shame Heal body image issues Do fun self care things like taking a bath, face masks, etc. Build your social life Make friends and get into a short term relationship Deal with social anxiety Stop seeing yourself as weird, inherently unlovable, and unworthy of connections Stop feeling like you have to be 100% perfect in order to be loved Deal with the fear of running out of things to say Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy) Get out more, go to a few parties, go to a rave Shadow work Deal with your issues around competence Step into your main character energy by: Romanticizing your life by being gentle with yourself Having a clear vision and purpose Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety Creating more confidence Deal with spiritual ego Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self Integrate basic bitch energy and stop thinking you’re weird Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing

Letting Myself Be Human I've been taking a break from self actualization work and letting myself indulge in more petty things and petty conversations. It has felt really restful and I feel a lot more grounded and like myself.

Media Consumption Analysis: Femininity and Feminism in the Early 2000s Now that I'm in my early 20s, I'm in a life transition stage of sorts where I'm going through the mental and emotional equivalent of physical puberty where instead of my body changing and being a hormonal angsty mess, now my thoughts, values, and life circumstances are all growth and contorting in weird ways that's causing a lot of confusion and angst. I think that's why young people tend to get nostalgic over their childhoods when things were simpler and since young people define pop culture, that's why you have trends return every 20 or so years. I was going through my usual nostalgia playlist and then I suddenly remembered this music video existing. I didn't grow up as a huge fan of P!nk. I remembered that I liked a couple songs by her and that's about it. But the thing with this video is that I think it's a very interesting snapshot of the times. This song came out in 2006. and won the the MTV Video Music Award. I don't have any problems with the message this song is trying to convey which is that women shouldn't feel obligated by society to conform to some ideal in order to appeal to men and give up their dreams, ambitions, and aspirations. But the way this message was conveyed aged HORRIBLY. I'm going to go chronologically because there is a lot to unpack. So first we have the title Stupid Girls. Given the message on how it's about women feeling the obligation to act a type of way, are we really in the right place to judge them for doing what they have been socially conditioned. Shouldn't be critique the patriarchial systems in place that create these behaviors than blame women for all of this? In 0:29 the song goes "what happened to the dream of the girl president? She's dancing in the video next to 50 cent." I mean, I don't see why you can't do both. Like if that sparks joy and feels authentic to you, go for it. The only way that wouldn't be possible is if we slut shame women and make it a reason why she isn't fit for office. Like dancing? Oh god no she was DANCING!!! This also makes me think of Republicans who leaked that video of AOC dancing to shame her. Sure she wasn't twerking and throwing it back for rapper but even if she was, that's not nearly as bad as what some white men get away with *cough* Bret Kavanaugh*cough* I'm posting the video because it sparks joy and it made me like AOC more lol. Any way back to "Stupid Girls" Starting from 0:41 the lyrics are "where oh where have the smart people gone, oh where oh were could they be." Then it moves into the chorus which is "Maybe if I act like that, that guy would call me back, I don't wanna be a stupid girl." The video has P!nk getting a bad spray tan and making fun of the early 2000s trend of having tiny dogs and basically parodying Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and the "it girls" of the time. That's all fine and well, there were some ridiculous trends from back then all of which are pretty memeable but my problem is assuming people are stupid because of that or assuming they all do it for male attention. If that doesn't feel authentic to you by no means do it to please others. But liking these things shouldn't make you someone people take you less seriously. In 0:50, 0:57-59 you have a girl with huge boobs wearing a tank top and bowling. She's jumping up and down and she seems happy about something. P!nk's character is looking at her with envy and disgust. Given the lyrics being played at this scene, we're supposed to think that this girl is dressing for men and that she is some type of stupid slut. My thing is that she can wear what she wants if it makes her feel comfortable. It's not something that revolves around men. And as someone who has a larger chest, I can feel for this girl. If your boobs are that big, it's going to be hard to find ANYTHING that will cover you up completely and be cute. Growing up I felt this need to do the Billy Eilish and wear oversized clothes so that I wouldn't have people look at me as a piece of meat or have people assume that I'm promisors or any other negative stereotype. As I got older, I stopped caring and I wore things that I liked more instead of wearing to avoid judgment. If P!nk's character has her insecurities ruffled up that's her problem and she should ask what industries and what social structures and trends are causing this than project by calling this random girl who is just living her life stupid. There is also a similar thing that happens when P!nk's character is at the gym working out and is next to another woman who is framed to be prettier and have bigger boobs (2:19-2:23, 2:52-2:54). Then there is some guy who talks to the other girl (honestly he just looks like a personal trainer trying to give advice doesn't look like he is even into this girl in that way) and P!nk's character feels the need to physically compete with this woman by stripping down and going faster on the tread mill because she feels insecure and like she needs to prove something. First of all the zoom in on this random girl's boobs as if it's her main defining characteristic is weird. Again, she's smiling and looks chill about the whole thing as if she's just minding her own business and then made friendly eye contact with the person next to her. There is nothing malicious there. Then when P!nk inevitably makes a fool out of her self by being a clown (because competing with other women to be better than them reeks insecurity and is clown shit), the girl starts laughing at her The first time I saw this video as a 10 year old, I thought it was like she was a mean girl who is making fun of P!nk (after all she is one of the "stupid girls"). Now looking at it, the girl looks like she is nervous laughing, or laughing because the whole situation was so ridiculous. I'm sure if something like this would happen irl a person would probably laugh and be like "hey I'm sorry for laughing but are you ok?" Like this girl doesn't seem like a bad person even though she is framed as such by the song and the lyrics. Then around 2:00 there is a scene where one of the "stupid girls" is obsessing over being skinny and going to throw in the bathroom. This was a very weird scene because on one hand it is trying to address the impossibly skinny standard of beauty in the early 2000s and how it leads to eating disorders. But on the other hand, the whole song is parodying the trends of the era and making fun of the women who participated in those trends. And eating disorders aren't a laughing matter and we shouldn't degrade people who have gone through that type of thing and shame them. The whole scene was gross and potentially triggering. They even showed someone's barf on there which was nasty. The scene also paints a very stereotypical image of a person with an eating disorder and what those people are like. It's a no for me. Around you have someone doing an explicit music video and another person doing a sex tape from 2:30-3:00. I don't think it's right to degrade sex workers or people who want to show of their bodies. They aren't lesser for doing so. When you listen to it with the lyrics it pushes the idea that these women are stupid. And yeah I don't think it's healthy to do these things solely for a guy or for male attention, but I think it's more important to critique the mindset and the way you're going about it rather than critiquing the face value which is difficult to do in a music video. There is also a part in the song where the lyrics go "I'm so glad that I'll never fit in. That will never be me. Outcasts and girls with ambition. That's what I wanna see (Come on)" And I think that sums up the whole "Im not like other girls vibe" of this song and video. I don't see a shortage of ambition in women but I do see systemic issues that prevent women from actualizing their ambition. Just because you fit in with whatever is popular doesn't mean that you lack ambition or that you have no depth. It's just an unfair generalization for a large group of people who all live different, complex, and nuanced lives. Then there is this sense of superiority that comes in which just isn't cute. Screams internalized misogyny. And I think the video shows a lot of my views around feminism when I was around 8-12 years old. There were some traditionally feminine things that didn't resonate with me at the time and I thought that the expectation for boys and girls to act a certain way was damaging and dumb. I also liked the idea of equality and women having more freedom. But around this time, I did build up this "I'm not like other girls" identity and it came from not wanting to be this caricature of femininity that is reduced down to boob and makeup. I didn't want to be viewed in that light. I didn't want to be one of the "stupid girls." Even though this music video alone didn't cause this phenomenon for so many women, I think it's a good reflection of a lot of views towards women and what is considered empowering from that time. It's one of those things that you watch years later and thing "oh that's how my personality was created back then. This explains a lot. YIKES" An alternative to this video I would say is the movie Legally Blonde. The first time I watched this movie at 12 I thought this movie was a movie about a dumb blonde who somehow got to Harvard and solved a case by luck. The whole movie and the message went over my head. Then I watched it again at 18 and had a whole different view on it. I realized that if your first impression of Elle was that she was dumb, frivolous, and lacking in depth, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. The people around her all view Elle in that light because they don't see a traditionally feminine person as someone to take seriously. She went through a lot of sexist bs from everyone from her parents, her peers at law school, and the creepy professor that sexually assaulted her. There was no evidence in the movie of her being dumb. First of all she graduated from UCLA with a 4.0. That's impressive considering how hard UCLA is to get into much less get perfect grades in. She has leadership ability and connections as the president of her sorority. All of this was established really early on in the movie especially in the scene where she is dress shopping with her friends and one of the sales associates tried to con her assuming Elle was stupid. Elle shuts this lady down, sees through the con, and remembers really small details. It is established that Elle has what it takes to excel in law school. There was also no evidence in the movie of Elle being a stereotypical mean girl. She is sweet, kind, compassionate, and nonjudgmental towards the people around her, even those who were wrong towards her. The movie shows her femininity in a healthy and positive light that helps Elle get ahead. There is no demonization of femininity thematically. Her intuition and emotional intelligence is ultimately what saves the day even when everyone doubted her and viewed her as stupid, emotional, and irrational. The movie does a good job of showing the issues that women face without demonizing femininity. It shows Elle in a complex and nuanced way where no one part of her personality tells the whole story. This movie was released in 2001 and is very ahead of it's time especially when it came to addressing sexual harassment in professional environments. Part of me is sad that the message around this movie went over my head as a kid because it was a message that I really needed at that time. But now, I have so much appreciation for this and I honestly feel so empowered whenever I watch it. This movie also reminds me of the whole trend of bimbofication that's happening. The pendulum has swung from not wanting to be like other girls to celebrating other girls and feminine interests. I also found a tiktok that explains who the modern bimbo is: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeSvY8tG/ It the link doesn't show up right, this is what it was saying: Who is the bimbo? What is a bimbo? These are multiple question I've been getting from Millennials. Who is the Gen Z bimbo? A bimbo ISN'T dumb. I mean... she kinda is but she isn't THAT dumb. She's actually a radical leftist who is pro sex work, pro BLM, pro LGBTQ+, pro choice, and will ALWAYS be there for her girls, gay and theys. "If you're homophobic, I'll castrate you " "LISTEN!!! This is an inclusive corperation! Bimbos, Thembos, Himbos" *wears something revealing* "I don't do this for the misogynistic male gaze, I do it for my gaze and damn my tits look good" (honestly, such a mood) It's about emotional intelligence at the end of the day And remember we always step on Trump Supporters. "hey, is that a Trump supporter? ewwww" *kicks the camera* TLDR: While both advocate for women to take back their power Elle Woods seems like the type of person who advocate for you during the #MeToo movement while P!nk's character seems like the type who would ask you what you were wearing when you got assaulted.

This video just feels like "how to be a dom 101" if you want to get into some light bdsm. Not all women are subs, not all of them are into bdsm style sex. Just communicate, figure out what your partner wants, and respect their needs and boundaries. You can't paint sexuality in a broad stroke. There is no magic technique. If I were to give broad advice I'd say the following: Know where the clitoris is and how to stimulate it figure out your stroke game because that is more important than size. Moan and say something. Silent isn't cute and can get awkward Prioritize her pleasure so the experience is reciprocal (also goes back to communicating)

I just took the test. I took option B because apparently their site is down for maintenance and I can't make an account. I found some of the questions on the test repetitive. Like if I have an answer for one question, I'm going to have the same answer in the other one or at least have it in the ball park if I'm sensitive to wording. An example of this is if you agree or disagree to the following statements: These two questions seemed too similar. As a result, I felt like it double counted some of my responses if that makes sense. I agree, how your personal attachment style manifests is more important than the quantification. I just don't think it's accurate if a test says you're all one or the other without any elaboration regarding where you fall under anxiety and avoidance. The way different attachment styles intermingle with each other can vary from individual to individual and it's something you have to contemplate on your own. There is only so much you can do to quantify emotions. For me, my tendency or being dismissive avoidant isn't so much about me being emotionally unavailable to the people in my life rather it has more to do with me being emotionally unavailable to my own needs. I often feel like I'm in between secure and dismissive because I fulfill one half of the dismissive side (being emotionally unavailable to my own needs) but not on the other half (disregarding people and being emotionally unavailable to others). A lot of less detailed tests say that I'm either one or the other without elaborating on how much of the other types I scored on. I think the result can give you only give you an idea regarding where you should start and what you should focus on more whether it is the anxiety, avoidance, or both but it can't explain everything at play. To me it's more of a snapshot if anything. I also think that attachment style can evolve over time and isn't just something determined in childhood. Different relationships, influences in your life, and the accumulation of different life experiences can all be a factor. I don't think a little bit of hot/cold is bad. It is a good way of creating chemistry. But I think it crosses the line when that becomes the entire dynamic of the relationship to the point where one or both parties aren't getting their need met, are getting possessive because of anxiety, or are withholding or avoiding communication etc.

I found a really good attachment styles test. Instead of boxing you into one style, it gives you a percentage which I find to be more detailed since the vast majority of people is probably not all one type. It also has a description of the types under your results. https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/#header Also, any tips dealing with or coping with any attachment style is welcome especially for avoidant dismissive attachment styles but I have some bias there lol

Vulnerability This journal is a huge act of vulnerability for me. I sometimes catch myself thinking how this journal feels like a friend that listens to me without judgement, how I feel safe expressing myself here. I want to have more friendships like that where I can be more open about what I'm going through, my insights, my interests, and my emotions. I also started looking through my older entries similar to they way you reply memories of conversations with friends. I remember feeling incredibly vulnerable when I first started this journal. I was self conscious about writing these long posts because I feel vulnerable when I ramble or talk at length about something. I notice myself feeling similarly when I'm talking to a friend and I get the opportunity to talk at length about anything. I tend to be reserved in those situations. I don't want to bore anyone or take away their opportunity to speak. It also means having to really open yourself up. I know that I seem like an open person in my entries because of the amount of the amount of detail I put in but I'm not like this irl. Even writing in this journal took some getting used to. I feel vulnerable when I express negative emotions in a way when I write them in a stream of consciousness. I mention the way I go about expressing negative emotions because I don't feel vulnerable when I present negative emotions in a bullet point, I have a plan on how to address it kind of way. Taking a more strategic and masculine way of handling my emotions does not incite my vulnerability. It makes me feel like a plan to address my issues and an understanding of what's going on. That makes me lean towards feeling more secure. But when I approach my emotions in a more intuitive and feminine way where I'm letting what I feel flow through me in a stream of consciousness, that's when I feel more vulnerable. My writing feels more raw to where I'm hesitant to show it. The post below was difficult to write. I remember before posting, I was afraid of sounding over dramatic, whiny, and self pitying because I didn't have a plan of action laid out. I was nervous about been seen as weak, as needy, as doing the absolute most. I also don't think it's a coincidence that this is how my parents treated me growing up when I would go to them with a problem. I wasn't given empathy. I wasn't given reassurance. I wasn't given encouragement or comfort. Instead I was always told to stop being dramatic, figure out how to deal with the problem and for gods sake stop crying because or else they would give me something to cry about. Or they would be like "why are you doing this to me, why are you making us upset" I'm sure that's why I have issues with my attachment style. I'm a dismissive avoidant. I tend to be emotionally unavailable because I never got my needs fulfilled as a kid so now as an adult, I put too much emphasis on being independent and I don't ask for help or emotional support enough because I was conditioned to believe that my needs are too much and that I will be in pain if someone tries to help me. I noticed that I tend to be emotionally unavailable to my own needs rather than the needs of others. I never had an issue with being empathetic and warm towards others. I feel vulnerable when I talk about my flaws. It has to do with me basing my worth on my competence. I've already done a 5 part series on that. And finally, I feel vulnerable when I talk about self development. I'm nervous about talking about this with people irl because I don't think they'd understand or worse they will think I've gone crazy because of the way new agey concepts can be interpreted. I feel that this forum is a safe place for me to express this part of myself and I'm SOOOO thankful for that.

I found it wild that Don Beck didn't use SD correctly with Trump. I don't think SD is a good idea for everyone to know about it or have it go mainstream since there is a large chunk of people who aren't mainly green yet. I can see it becoming misconstrued and turned into a eugenics-y mess where hiearchies are more solidified to stroke people's biases even more. Complex models can be incorrectly weaponized to suit survival agendas. Me neither. The best I've found was high green with a well integrated orange. I find that people like that can be introduced to yellow ideas and ways of thought without resistance or backlash. If someone is high green without a well integrated orange, then they are less likely to want to investigate models in a methodical way (I.e. weed smoking hippie). That's at least what I observed from my experience. Also btw, I'm not sure if I mentioned this in anyone of my comments but I really like your journal and your succinct writing style.

Nu Mindframe has a lot of good videos on this and this is how I really learned about the subject in more detail as well as got started on dealing with some of the unhealthy aspects that came with my attachment style. She has a whole playlist talking about each individual style, why they develop, and how to deal with them.