soos_mite_ah

Yeah that is something that I try to be careful about lmao. Sure there are times that I catch myself getting impatient and I want to just get it over with but I try to recenter myself so that I don't impulsively do something I actually don't want to do and end up having a bunch of regrets. I mean, I want my first time to be nice lol and to me that means having some degree of commitment and emotional intimacy. To me that's a higher priority than acting on impulse. I don't think I would even enjoy it if I went on a whim and decided to have sex with anyone who was willing. There is that too. Sometimes I find myself getting tempted to lower my standards out of impatience. Deep down I want a guy who is pretty conscious but then my scarcity mindset kicks in and is like "you know, men are sexual and visual creatures and if you keep up what you're doing whether it's your standards and boundaries, you're just going to wind up alone because lets be real you're asking for a lot and that's a tall order to fill considering what's out there. Get over yourself and accept this truth about men. The only reason why you don't want to accept this harsh truth is because it doesn't serve your survival agenda." TBH I always knew this was the voice of insecurity and anxiety but after writing this out it becomes even more blatant. Part of me thinks that I've been on here too much so there is that...... On one hand, this method has caused me to be single for 21 years and thus resulted in a lot of pent up emotional thirstiness but on the other hand, it has caused me to avoid a lot of unnecessary risks, heart break, and messy situations because I have been sticking to my standards from the beginning and that peace of mind is priceless imo. I feel like BDSM is becoming more and more normalized due to the internet and porn to where it's almost seen as unusual if you don't like it at least a little rough. Vanilla shaming is becoming more and more common. The BDSM test online is basically and edgy personality test at this point lol. There is this video that I found that talks about this trend and analyzes it in more detail that is really interesting

The Happiness Spectrum: (Found these notes in the comment section and decided to copy and paste them onto this journal as well as including my own commentary in order to reflect. Those are in blue. My goals and future action item are in red.) There are two kinds of happiness: Hedonic (Bad) & Eudaimonic (Good) Hedonic happiness is the most common form of happiness, short-term pleasure, easy to obtain and not very fulfilling (thrill-seeking). Eudaimonic happiness is long-term gratification, difficult to obtain and very fulfilling (virtuosity). Average common happiness is hedonistic, little to no work involved. 5. There's no shortcut to Eudaimonic happiness. Any shortcut you find automatically leads to hedonism. The Happiness Spectrum: + Pure Hedonistic Happiness (avoid, very addictive, unreliable): I think these can be ok in moderation meaning it isn't an addiction, something your life revolves around, or something you are attached to. Drugs Food, partying & drinking (food is necessary, eat healthy) Beauty (too easy to obsess over and feel bad): I do have a hang up on the way I look and I'm working on accepting myself though there are times where I feel like plastic surgery would make me happier. Money, shopping (can only buy more of hedonic happiness): With money, my goal right now is to get on my feet and become financially independent. I wouldn't say that I'm chasing money or that my life revolves around it but I do see the importance of it. It's one of those needs that I need to meet. With shopping, I'm trying to get to a point where I'm comfortable with treating myself. It's more about self care and eliminating limiting beliefs around money rather than being a shopaholic. These things aren't addictions for me but they are things that need to be integrated into my life in a healthy way. Media & entertainment: TV, internet, social media, videogames (extreme time sink): I don't really use these much for entertainment but I use them for education mainly. Gossip, Idol socialization (look up Elanor Roosevelt quote about great minds) Pursuing fame, public image & "success" (equivalent to chasing money, validation) Validation from other people (relying on others for happiness): I am sometimes guilty of caring what other people think of me too much. Porn & sex (can be a problem if obsessed over): I want to explore my sexuality but it isn't really an obsession. Romantic infatuation (honeymoon period of relationship): I think this is one of those things I need to exhaust tbh. Goals from this section: Financial freedom feeling comfortable with treating myself get into a short term relationship to exhaust my need for one and also explore my sexuality in that relationship + Neutral Happiness (good): I'm going to bold things that I feel like I can increase more of both in this section and in the Eudaimonic Happiness section Hobbies (that lead to long-term improvements: musical instruments, sports, etc. NOT videogames, gossiping or bingewatching tv-series): A lot of my hobbies also check items on the Eudaimonic list Physical exercise (don't exercise just to obsess over beauty, weightlifting): I enjoy being active but I can do better especially after moving out of my parent's house so that it doesn't devolve into obsessing about beauty. Friendships & strong relationships (real, solid friends): I want to focus on this more. Companionate love (love in relationship after honeymoon period): I want this as well but I think I need to work on myself more and burn through some of my superficial desires before jumping in so that I have a clearer head. But this is a goal, not for now but in the future. Goals from this section: Socialize more to develop strong relationships Work out and be active Get into a long term relationship (later) + Pure Eudaimonic Happiness (awesome): Learning & education (savoring your education, student for life): As a student much of my time is dedicated to this. I hope that I can continue that even after college. Excellent flow & work states (do you value your work, does it produce "flow" for you?): I need to find my life purpose. I feel that I could grow exponentially when I find that one thing. Inner development (personal growth activities) (meditate!): Been having this as a priority for the last few years. It's been hard work but soooo worth it. Self-acceptance (accepting yourself exactly as you are): Been really focusing on this. Could do better tbh. Kindness (doing good things for other people, being kind to other people): Never had a problem with this growing up. Gratitude (be thankful for what you already have) (make it a ritual): I could probably benefit from a personal gratitude journal tbh. INTEGRITY (are you living up to your greatest values? are you doing the things that are meaningful to you in life? are you honoring commitments to others and yourself? how good are you at keeping your own commitments to yourself? do you set a goal for yourself and then quit? work on integrity): I have a huge need for integrity and when I don't get it I often feel like I'm about to implode lol. I always prioritized this and I never regretted this. CONTRIBUTION (what your work does for the betterment of humanity in the world. what kind of impact does your work have? is it contributing in a way that YOU believe is meaningful, not what other people believe is meaningful, but what you believe. you have to believe it. not just volunteering, but producing something that move people): Again, need to find my life purpose. >>BEING<< (existing, the best way to practice this is through meditation. it teaches you how to enjoy the moment of being. you should not need any stimulation, activities of any sort, not even of the Eudaimonic kind. if you're able to be present, in the moment, totally enjoying yourself, that's what ultimate peace of mind means) "The best moments of life are moments of being, not moments of doing.": I really enjoy meditating and contemplation but I think I should table working towards something like enlightenment later. I'm not even going to bold this because it isn't healthy for me to make it a priority now by skipping a bunch of steps. I already have a meditation habit and I think for now that is sufficient. Goals from this section Find my life purpose Work on self acceptance by working through insecurities and limiting beliefs. Create a gratitude journal Eudaimonic activities are a lot more difficult than Hedonic activities, definitely at first when transitioning. It will become easier after that. It's because you're still addicted to hedonism. It takes an acquired taste. Eudaimonia does not provide instant pleasure. It's difficult to quit instant pleasure. What it does provide is long-term, long-lasting gratification, which is ultimately better for your mind, body and spirit. And thus for your happiness. I don't think I have a problem with the hedonic part of the list but I need to burn through some of those so that I won't be distracted when I'm pursuing the neutral or eudaimonic forms of happiness.

I'd say so. But I think when it comes to my insecurities regarding my ambivalence around sex, it's more of how that ambivalence is interpreted and whether or not that is reasonable or makes me desirable in someone's eyes. I know it's rather superficial, silly, and not healthy to want to conform what feels authentic to get approval from others but I see this bubbling up and I wanted to discuss this and see what else I uncover. I really want to get into a relationship with someone and dating has been a mess when it comes to finding a person I'm compatible with to the point where sometimes I feel the temptation to change myself because I think that there is something wrong with me, my desires, my needs, and my standards. I know that's not something that I should do because my own sense of integrity and authenticity is important to me and so is my emotional health. It would be incredibly misleading to conform myself to something I'm not just to get with someone and that would lead to an even bigger mess.

I mean I was talking about having casual sex, one night stands, or friends with benefits when you aren't in a committed relationship, not being in a committed relationship and having sex with other people outside of that relationship.

Ok that makes sense. I have encountered this on an emotional level where I caught myself liking the idea of someone rather than the person themselves and then when you go on a couple dates with them, you are hit with the reality and realize that yall aren't compatible. Even if you think the person is perfectly fine, they might not be a good fit for you and that's ok. There isn't anything wrong with you or them. That's kind of why I tend to see sexual compatibility as a lower priority and more like a bonus rather than a necessity. Because after a while, the lust diminishes or you go through phases in a relationship where it's higher and lower. Then what are you left with? That's the attitude that I come at this from. And this might sound contradictory but I consider myself as someone who has a higher than average sex drive (based on talking with friends but I don't know how accurate that would be tbh). Even though I haven't had it yet, I have tried to explore what my fantasies are and what physically makes me feel good by myself. I know this about myself but to me it isn't so crucial to where I'd be uncomfortable with the idea of getting with someone with a lower sex drive if that makes sense. I guess for me personally I have more room for compromise and that's why it doesn't seem like as big of a deal. But there are a couple things here and there that I don't feel comfortable compromising on (like I don't feel comfortable with violent forms of bdsm, anything super extreme, or having sex without a build up of emotional intimacy). So I guess tastes come into play. But even then it goes back to the whole. thing with priorities. And that's the thing with priorities, sometimes I feel that as I get older, sex is starting to feel more of an expectation because of the peer pressure surrounding it. Then that feeling of obligation takes a lot of the passion away imo. Whenever I tell guys that I'm looking to wait I get one of the following reactions: Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me. Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. The negative nonconstructive responses consist of a large chunk of the responses I get and I guess thats where I get some of my shame and insecurity from regarding what I want in a relationship. I guess after a while, it feels really disheartening when someone's priorities are different from yours AND they shame you or make you feel like there is something wrong with you. The difference isn't what bothers me, we are all allowed to have different needs, priorities, desires etc. but it's about the shaming and getting defensive. I guess in order to find someone who is sexually compatible with me, I need to stick to my authentic boundaries of not wanting to have sex before really getting to know someone and being comfortable with discussing things before such things happen. The person I'm compatible with will respect my boundaries without it overstepping his boundaries.

This is likely my own lack of experience talking but I don't see the necessity of sexual compatibility to a healthy relationship. I get the need to have similar sex drives but other than that, I simply don't get it. Shouldn't it be enough to be communicative with what you want and need and be able to empathize and be openminded with the other person's desires? As a virgin, I don't really see the big deal with sex tbh. I'm aware that this is going to sound short sighted but sometimes sex seems like this superficial want rather than a need. I can get that sex is really important for some people, but I don't think that's a wide spread necessity if that makes sense. Also, how does the dynamic change after sex? I'm a little confused about that.

Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion After writing my post about my feral cat energy as well as the concerns I have with dating, I realized that I have a limiting belief when it comes to how I believe that people treat one another. I noticed that in interactions, I try to present the best possible version of myself because I can't see people empathizing with me or treating me with mercy. I have this cut throat attitude which leads to perfectionistic tendencies and this desire for competence as a protective mechanism. My limiting belief is that people are selfish and uncompassionate and that they won't show you any amount of empathy unless it serves their interests. This feels weird to articulate because I know that people are capable of behaviors like care and compassion along with other higher conscious behaviors but I guess this limiting belief is subconscious and implied because of ties a lot of other concerns I have together. I'm getting better with friends but I noticed that my reluctance to open up to them has to do with me not wanting to seem toxic for expressing negative emotions even when done in a healthy manner. I don't want to seem like I'm playing the victim when I let someone see my vulnerabilities. I'm also hyper aware about any amount of social awkwardness and I tend to be pretty harsh with myself around that and that causes me to resort to get addicted to fixing things instead of just accepting my quirks. I have somethings that I think would be beneficial to work on like my tendency to overshare (particularly in journal entries), my chaotic sense of humor, or how some times I run out of things to say. Since I'm taking a break from "fixing things" and focusing on acceptance, accepting those things have been difficult because I have this impulse to just jump in and deal with these issues. But right now I'm just letting myself be and I believe that has been really beneficial. I don't expect any amount of mercy from people I work with whether it is students and teachers or possibly an employer. I found it baffling when some of my friends who are open about mental health in the beginning of the semester was able to just meet with the professor and simply explain what's going on with their mental health and how it might impact with their performance. I have read articles and have heard from professors that they would like us to be open about these types of things but I'm always afraid of looking incompetent, lazy, and stupid for expressing such things. I think a lot of this has to do with the internalization of the stigma against mental health. On top of that, I am nervous about sending in my resume to any potential employers because I do have a year long gap that I took to take care of myself. Again, it has to do with the stigma but I just can't see people trying to understand where I'm coming from (even if it's valid) because of how competitive things are. Any sign of neurosis is a red flag for employers and it's in their interests to be cut throat. And finally, I don't expect mercy and compassion from men. I have explained a lot of that in my post about having feral cat energy. One of my biggest fears is being in a toxic relationship whether that be with a man, a friend, or an employer. And my desire to present this competent image is to ensure that people won't take advantage of me. Because I don't expect mercy and compassion from other people, I don't show mercy and compassion to myself which then leads to perfectionistic tendencies.

I feel called out ???

I highly recommend checking out the full documentary. It's also a really good documentary that showcases an example of life purpose and it's spiritual component.

Feral Cat Energy I was watching this video about how to get a feral kitten and socialize it so that it will become accustomed to a human home. And for some reason I found that resonated with me on an emotional level lmao. Here are time stamps and the parallels I see with my emotions (I know this is a weird but I think this is the best metaphor that articulates how I feel about being in a relationship and escalating things physically) First of all if you corner me psychologically even if it seems like it's not a big deal or it was unintentionally, I will bite and scratch (metaphorically speaking, in reality I'll probably shut down and become repulsed because I think you're a mess). I may be tiny, young, and inexperienced but I know red flags when I see them. And I'm not here for any sudden moves to escalate the situation. That is anxiety inducing to me. (2:20) I need some time to get used to the idea of getting into a relationship and having a man be attracted to me before I feel comfortable taking more of a lead and approaching (3:00) I'm pretty sure I have a chance to get over how emotionally distant I can be at this age but I think dealing with this when I'm older is going to be more of a challenge because if I'm single until after idk when, I can see myself being the type of person who is just content with dying alone with a bunch of dogs tbh. (3:30) I think I need to hang out with someone for a little bit before really doing anything because I need to get used to all of this. Also I need the reassurance that I'm dealing with a good guy and that nothing bad will happen to me when I get into a relationship (4:40) And then finally I can gently and slowly start opening up physically. I really need a guy who is going to be patient with me (6:00) I know there are a lot of women who tend to get into codependent dynamics. I personally find myself in the opposite category where I find it difficult to get close to people in the first place. Like I don't have a hard time with playing hard to get because I'm pretty unimpressed like 90% of the time. The stray cat in this diagram gives me Lana Del Rey 's monologue from her Ride music video energy. Just the type of person that comes off naïve and friendly, isn't afraid to approach people but does so because they are dependent on something emotionally and because they aren't the best at emotionally taking care of themselves (stray cats tend to be heavily reliant on people). I on the other hand am more like a feral cat who has a lot of fears wrapped around in dating and who avoided it for awhile because dating just seemed like a hot mess. I'm pretty functional and independent in general so there is a very low chance that I'm going to be needy or express my vulnerabilities (which isn't the healthiest I know). Again, I think a lot of my anxiety has to do with not being used to guys and feeling like I need to be vigilant and protective around them, kind of like how a feral cat is guarded around humans because of limited interactions. Plus I've heard so many horror stories with guys mistreating a girl and how messy the whole process of dating can be. I took a step back from what I posted a few days ago regarding what I'm concerned about when I'm dating and I think those concerns are valid. I know I felt like I was being dramatic and paranoid when I was writing this but no, I'm not crazy. One of my big fears is getting into a toxic or even abusive dynamic because I know just how much that can set a person back. That's valid given what I've dealt with in my childhood and how I spent years trying to piece myself back together. But again, it goes back to being aware of something vs being focused on it. When I get into a car, I'm aware of the risks and the dangers involved, but I'm not focused on it and as a result it doesn't stop me from driving while taking precautions. I need to approach dating in the same way. It's good to be aware of the risks, especially as a woman lets be real, but focusing on it can mess a person up. I also journaled about how I'm a little insecure about waiting for sex as well as my concerns with men pressuring me into doing something I don't authentically want to do. And year it's an insecurity. Sometimes I feel really juvenile and childish for wanting to wait and take things slow. But a man who is going to push me into doing something or says things like there is no relationship with out sex etc. is not the type of man that I would want to sleep with because he isn't empathetic towards what I want and need both emotionally and sexually. And that normally doesn't lead to good sex much less a good dynamic. I don't think it's a good strategy to be insecure about my boundaries in this area of my life because that will then attract other insecure men who are willing to test those boundaries in order to get what they want. I don't want to be with an insecure and pushy man. My boundaries are here to keep me safe, not impress a man. Opening up is important and necessary for me and one of the things I can do to do that is to prioritize dating and relationships more in my life. But I still need to be comfortable with my authentic boundaries and the pace that I'm comfortable with.

If it feels authentic go for it. Patriarchal notions often paints men as hypersexual like if a man isn't constantly thinking about sex there is something wrong with him. It can cause a lot of messed up issues such as if a guy gets sexually assaulted for example, people don't take it seriously because men are expected to want it all the time. It also leads to men who for whatever reason didn't get laid feel like there is something wrong with them which can then spiral into a lot of self doubt and a messed up relationship with their own masculinity. I'm sure there are more but since I'm not a guy I'm mainly going off of what I've heard from men and from feminists who talk about issues regarding male sexual assault as well as my own observations. I'd say that it's good that you're questioning this and not to feel bad about what you authentically want your priorities to be. I was like that too at 17-19 or so where I wanted a relationship as a cherry on top but I was mainly focused on getting other areas of my life together. Forcing yourself to do something that doesn't feel authentic to you especially in the domain of sexuality can lead to a lot of regret and self betrayal. You aren't obligated to act a certain way if you don't want just because it is expected of you because of your gender and age.

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Actualized.org in 2013-2014) Even though I have been taking a break from deep spiritual topics, I found myself feeling less tired and more inspired. I still don't think I'm ready to dive back into deep topics but I think that it's a good idea to focus on more basic self help since having a solid foundation for spiritual work is essential. I decided to look back at Leo's content from 2013 to 2014 in order to do this. I realized that I already integrated much of the topics there so that was a thing of reassurance and a measure of where I was at. His content back then was largely stage orange to the point where I kept getting ads for Tony Robbins/ get rich quick / wealth oriented self development lmao. But that was important for me to run through since I tend to get caught up on criticizing things like capitalism and materialism. While watching these videos, I found a handful that I find that I could really revisit and integrate into my solid foundation. Here they are.

I have dealt with much of what was on the original list Now it's time to make a new list My weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality My boundaries and what I want in a relationship and how I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship Any amount of social awkwardness Returning back to school and facing my professors (this is more anxiety inducing but the root of it is shame regarding competence) Since the list is relatively short, I think I'm going to introspect and journal about them in my main journal.

Cleaning Up I crossed out a lot of things and I just wanted to clean things up so it's easier for me to organize my thoughts and follow along. I also rearranged the items on the list that I can't do because I'm stuck in the house and I moved them to the bottom. The Original To Do List I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around 75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items) , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal. I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm ~~~***manifesting***~~~ Gain clarity about career/life purpose Achieve financial freedom: Need to focus on getting my degree and an internship first Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school. Be gentle with yourself Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: Still uncomfortable but I'm getting better Work through shame: I worked through a lot of the shame but I noticed some new ones come to the surface. Deal with social anxiety Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: I'm just going to let myself be imperfect for a minute because I'm already working on a lot of things Shadow work Deal with your issues around competence: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Creating more confidence: I feel like I'm in a more confident head space after doing everything that I've been doing but I think there is room for improvement mainly on how confident I feel with my boundaries and what I authentically want. I think I will basically deal with this in the process of working through shame Deal with spiritual ego Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID

4/10/2021 Being in Progress I bolded the stuff that is in progress at the moment and wrote down some stuff that I'm doing on the side as a reference. I have completed some of the things on this list so I have crossed those out but again writing things on the side this is a good way to see where I'm at and give credit where it's due. I italicized the stuff that I can't take care of at the moment or that I'm purposefully delaying because of my circumstance. I know it's been only about 3 weeks since I created the list and it might seem too quick to cross things out but the thing is that I have been reflecting on these items and I had them written down before I compiled everything on this journal. I've been working on a lot of these things since like early February tbh. This journal just helps me organize and track my progress more efficiently.

Self Control is Overrated Part 2: Creating Habits I feel that good and bad habits can be created the same way. After all, good and bad are labels that we plop onto something depending on what is in our interests. Habits are habits. I tried doing this thing where I tried of observe how my bad habits are formed and what lessons I can learn from that in order to create good habits. One thing that I noticed with bad habits is that they tend to be gradual and something that tends to sneak up on people. For example, no one goes from being a nonsmoker to being someone who smokes a pack a day. It starts little by little until you build up the tolerance to do more. The other thing I noted is that this gradual process isn't something that is forced, you do it at your own pace to what feels natural. That's why bad habits feel like they sneak up on you. It's not like you make a resolution where you're like "ok I'm going to build up a smoking habit by smoking a pack a day for 28 days straight because that's how you create permanent habits." Like you aren't going to be able to sustain that long enough to create the habit. I know the last sentence seems absurd but that's what I see a lot of people do when it comes to creating good habits. I get repetition is important to cement something mentally, but in my experiences and observations, when someone says something along the lines of "I'm going to do (exercise, diet etc.) for 28 days straight in order to create a habit* it almost always fails. And then people blame themselves for not having enough self control or discipline. I found what helps with creating good habits for me is to set an intention but not force anything. I'll implement said habit in my own pace. That helped me stopped being perfectionistic and stopped me from beating myself up when I would fail or slip up on the 28 day challenges. It also helped me tap into the authenticity of where I was at rather than forcing myself to be else where. I found this method to be slower than the 28 day method, but I found it to be more sustainable and more healthy. Sometimes when we make ourselves feel obligated to do something or introduce the element of brute forcing something, the passion for what we are doing gets lost. I see this all the time with creative types who are really passionate about their craft but once you put them into art school and push a bunch of deadlines, suddenly their passion starts waning overtime because it no longer feel authentic rather it feels like an obligation. Similarly, when we make something an obligation for ourselves, the passion for implementing a habit gets lost too and next thing you know you build up more resistance to creating the habit. In other words, I find it easier to gently ease into a habit at my own pace instead of forcing anything. The sustainability and the discipline then comes naturally and next thing you know, you built up a sense of momentum to where you don't need to exercise a lot of self control because it has become natural. I know this won't work for everyone but I found that it works for me, especially when the goal or habit I'm trying to implement is coming from an authentic place to where I have an intuitive feeling that I'm ready to implement said goal or habit. Sometimes, we're simply not ready to tackle a goal because we need to work on other areas of our lives or we have too much on our plate. And that is ok. Do things in your own time. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself if you don't want to do something. Just because you don't want to do something now doesn't mean you won't ever want to do it, it just means that now it's not the time. For instance, before when I would try to go on diets in the past, that goal was forced and didn't come from an authentic place rather it came from a lot of insecurity. Because of that, I didn't take the gradual, sustainable or healthy approach. But when I fixed my diet this time around, creating habits were easy because my goal felt natural and authentic to me and as a result, the way I went about approaching the problem was much less neurotic. I found the same was true when I had to apply to jobs and internships recently. When I let go of the pressure to perform, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders which then allowed me to perform more. Letting go of resistance or our responses to resistance lets us flow into what we want to achieve more easily.

Self Control is an Overrated Part 1: The Path to Self Discipline I have been having some health issues lately and that compelled me to get my diet under control. I have learned somethings about the process of sustainable habit creation in the process. I always thought that eating healthy required a lot of self control and self discipline. I also thought that self control and self discipline were the same thing but there is a nuance that I will get into later. Before these health issues arose, I did do a lot of what I now call unsustainable starvation diets as a teenager. It included but was not limited to elimination diets (whether that meant cutting out fats, carbs, or meat), juice/smoothie cleanses, fasting etc. It left me feeling hungry and with a dysfunctional relationship with food and my body. A lot of these diets were branded as healthy so growing up I thought that healthy meant that I was going to be hungry but I had self control to not overeat. After my health issues arose, I looked for more sustainable and flexible forms of eating. The idea of going keto for the rest of my life and cutting out all bread didn't seem like a good option for me (tried it out and didn't work). I wanted a more gentle approach. I did a whole post regarding gentleness and how it relates to discipline. Firstly, I changed the grocery store I was shopping at. I had to because I was going gluten free and Walmart didn't have what I needed so I started shopping at Sprouts. Walmart just has everything but Sprouts is one of those health food grocery stores with organic, all natural everything. Just changing my surroundings helped me gain more self discipline around junk food. Sprouts doesn't have much junk food and what they do have is usually made with better ingredients and has less added sugar. Eventually I stopped craving those foods after not eating them for a while and when I did go back to Walmart on the occasion that I needed something, my temptations were gone. I didn't have to exercise self control to build this sense of self discipline. At Sprouts, I didn't have the circumstances where I would face a lot of resistance to where I had to build a sense of control. To me self control is resisting resistance/temptations/cravings etc. I think self control is necessary, but only relying on that to push through with brute force is often not sustainable and can be tiring. I feel that if you constantly have to rely on self control, there needs to be some type of systemic solution that needs to be implemented so that it is easier to make good habits and build the momentum to create a disciplined life. Often times solutions that require brute force self discipline are usually unsustainable long term or really extreme and sometimes dangerous because it is undisciplined discipline. I think water fasting for any number of days is a good example of this. It you do it for multiple days, you can't even go back to eating normal food right away because you might get refeeding syndrome. Even though people do it for spiritual reasons while others do it to lose weight or get clear skin once and for all, to me in most cases it looks like a form of self harm (I know there are exceptions for sure) rather than a way to to build self control and discipline. Anyway, for me, my systemic changes was changing my environment. It was also adding more fats and protein into my diet. I used to crave sugar for the longest time. I always wrote it off as me not having self control and not being strict enough with myself and because of that I was in the mindset that in order to be healthy I need to restrict more. I thought that there was something wrong with me, not in the diet I was on. But after introducing more fats and protein, those cravings naturally went away. I was able to cut out sugar and maintain that habit without exerting a lot of self control. The reason why I was craving sugar wasn't because I was some type of crazed sugar addict but it was because I didn't have enough nutrients in my system, thus leaving me un-satiated and wanting to eat anything that was in front of me. This taught me that a lot of times, when we think we lack self control and are going through some type of back lash, that isn't us taking steps back rather it is our survival skills keeping us safe. For my case with my "sugar cravings", my lack of self control was an indication of "HEY FEED ME, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG" instead of "HEY EAT THIS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE SELF CONTROL TO BE SKINNY, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." Brute forcing can do much more harm than good because it can cause you to be out of touch with your needs and be out of alignment because you aren't going with the flow of where you authentically are in your development of yourself or whatever habit you're trying to implement. And when you are always out of alignment and constantly facing resistance, again, that can get tiring and that can also cause long term wear. For me in this example, that long term wear was my metabolism slowing down because my body thought I was in starvation mode from eating too less calories. I'm sure people can come up with similar accounts with implementing habits and exercising self control in other areas of life. I thought that discussing my process of fixing my diet was a good example with a good amount of context. I went ahead and bolded things that are key takeaways from this whole experience.

Concerns Around Dating I've been reflecting on this lately and I thought I'd air out all of my concerns and limiting beliefs around dating. I'm doing this in a stream of consciousness and I say this because I know that I'm just saying things without really thinking about it so some things might be a little over the top. I'm scared of being cheated on I'm scared of being gas lit I'm scared of a toxic or abusive relationship I'm scared of a Tinder date going wrong and ending up missing I'm scared of being drugged I don't want to be taken advantage of I don't want to be used as a therapist I don't want to be manipulated I'm nervous about him not respecting me or my boundaries I don't want to deal with desperate, pushy guys I'm nervous about sex being seen as an expectation rather than something that I authentically want in my own timing I'm scared of being sexually assaulted or coerced into sex I'm scared of being strung along only to be pumped and dumped I'm scared of having my feelings toyed with just so he can get sexual validation I'm scared of guys who only want me for my body and don't value other aspects of who I am as much I don't want to be with a guy who is cold, distant, and doesn't care about me I don't want to be with a guy who is obsessive and goes too fast because that usually leads to abuse I don't want to be in a toxic or codependent dynamic even if it is unintentional on his part narcissists, psychopaths, conservatives, fascists, incels, red pilled people, MGTOW etc. I feel like I have to be on guard and vigilant in the initial stages of dating instead of letting myself have fun and connect to someone I'm sometimes nervous about my standards of how I'm treated being too high because I'm getting impatient and I get tempted to lower my standards Sometimes I feel like I'm asking for too much when I want a guy to treat me gently and recognize my needs and desires without being dismissive I'm concerned about my experiences as a woman being dismissed and having a man mansplain to me about what I've been through I'm concerned about a guy who doesn't take me seriously I'm concerned about grooming and other creepy behaviors from older men I'm nervous about dealing with one of those red pilled guys and/ or who believe in women losing their value after 25 (creepy af) I'm concerned about men using my naivety, my youth, and my lack of sexual experience against me I don't want to be fetishized for my race or "purity" whatever tf that means to a guy I don't want to deal with anyone who is racist, sexist, or homophobic especially if they try to play it off as "dark humor" I'm scared that most of the guys I come a cross fall under one of the things I said above I'm nervous about being seen as crazy or paranoid for my concerns and having them be dismissed only to be told I should've been more vigilant when something bad happens to me I'm scared of something bad happening to me and it being my fault

I think the sentiment of not demonizing femininity and calling out limiting tropes like the "i'm not like other girls trope" is becoming more widely accepted. That trope feels like one of those things that was everywhere in the early 2000s and I feel that a lot of women my age watched that and internalized limiting views on femininity and now that we're old enough to look back at the time with a critical eye, we see why we have certain attitudes subconsciously and people are trying to unpack all that. As far as people adopting the bimbo aesthetic, I can't say that I know people that dress in that way so in that way it's more fringe. But then again, a lot of aesthetics whether it is something like cottagecore, being an egirl, the dark academia aesthetic etc, it's so individualized to where you can't say that there are any wide sweeping trends. To me it sometimes feel like every other day there is a new aesthetic that gives birth to a sub culture of people who are into similar things since the internet makes it easy to create communities. I think that with separating people from the ethics and values the present is important to avoid attributing character traits based on your surface level perception of them. I think another thing to consider is why we attribute certain meanings and perceptions of moralization on what we see and what influences that view. Like why do we see certain things as inherently/ universally sexual and why do we apply meanings like the purity and moral value? Sometimes critique isn't justifiable like how society perceives traditionally feminine attributes as sexual or frivolous because of misogyny. Sometimes critique can be justifiable such as in situations involving cultural appropriation because of power dynamics involved. But yeah, personal attacks aint it when you're trying to critique ethics and values of presentation. It defeats the argument. I remember watching a documentary on that. I don't know if being a bimbo was a thing before the 50s but reducing a woman down to her physical appearance and not considering any other aspect of her identity or life isn't anything new.

Self Expression vs Safety Ok so I bought some cute clothes the other week and I feel great to where I want to post it on this journal. The blue crop top and the skirt is so loose and comfortable. I also really like the floral print on it and how I can mix and match the top and the bottom with the other clothes I have. As for the white outfit, I feel absolutely gorgeous in it. I'm a little nervous wearing it out but thankfully those are shorts, not a skirt so even though its short I dont have to worry too much (it's one of those types of shorts) I'll admit I'm a little hesitant with posting this because I'm worried about weirdos on the internet. It also got me thinking about when I shopping there were a couple of low cut shirts that looked really good on me. I only bought one and even though I look and feel great in it, I'm nervous about wearing it out. I'm nervous about the cat calls, the disrespect, the creepy behavior etc. Honestly, I just want to have my tits out in peace. I just love the way they look on me. It's not a sexual thing and I hate that I even have to say that because of the way women's chests are sexualized. I could say that I love my arms for example and show them off and no one would say anything or think that's sexual but it as different with my chest. Ok smh.... Then I was like, exactly how much of my self expression is cut off due to safety reasons because men don't understand consent or basic social skills? If I were to be brutally honest, if it was socially acceptable for women to be shirtless the way it's acceptable for men, I'd be all for it. The double standard is so annoying. Also being labeled a whore doesn't bother me that much. Sure it's annoying that people assume sexual things about be because of the way I'm built and that's weird. But my main thing is the physical safety part. I know people might think that I'm trying to dress in a revealing way to appeal to men. HONEY THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Tbh if straight men didn't exist for a few days, I wouldn't have to think twice about if I have to cover up. I would probably dress more provocatively because that's what I'm into (and if a woman desires to cover up for herself that's on her too we don't decide what is or isn't freeing for people). Also another thing that I don't know if I touched on is the way that femininity is sexualized. Feminine presenting people tend to deal with more harrassment regardless of gender. Vaush does a good break down on this when it comes to feminine guys and the issues they face. It's one if the reasons why growing up I felt uncomfortable with embracing femininity because I thought it meant that I was painting myself as an airhead who morphed herself to appeal to men. Why tf does femininity have to be for men? We don't dress the way we do or do our makeup because our worlds revolve around men. If we embrace our femininity, it isn't for purpose of attracting men. Why cant it just be *hey this is what I like and this is an authentic expression of who I am*? I'm tired of the whole male gaze and I want do what I like without people assuming that it involves a guy. Not everything revolves around men and if they were less egotistical to where they understood that we wouldn't be in this problem. (I honestly think that specifically men who think like this are projecting because they are the type that tries to be extra masculine even if it doesn't feel authentic to them in order to get girls because they are insecure about their desirability so they assume that women do the same thing with their femininity) And then this turns into a self fulfilling prophecy because men think that we dress for them, they start thinking they are entitled, they harass women on the streets and then suddenly we have to consider what men think when it comes to our personal decisions for our safety and peace of mind.

Updating My Style Since my dad got both dose, my parents felt comfortable with letting me get out to do something other than go to the grocery store. The other week I went and bought myself some new clothes. It was uncomfortable to spend money on myself when it isn't a necessity. But I still bought myself some clothes anyway. Apart from feeling beautiful and confident, I found myself feeling more in alignment with who I'm becoming and that feels amazing. It's like the Teal Swan quote I posted in the previous page from the video where she talks about boundaries. I mentioned earlier in this journal how my whole vibe as a person is changing and how I made a Pinterest board to get more in touch with my aesthetic. This whole process made me feel more like myself and made me feel more in tune with my sense of self expression. I know better than to rely on consumerism for self care but this felt refreshing. The problem isn't consumption, it's copious consumption. Plus I'm not relying on consumerism because I'm doing plenty of work on myself outside of buying things. I also observed myself feeling less repressed after shopping. I made a few posts about my feelings around repression. Here is one of them: Don't get me wrong, I want to do the other stuff on this list but I found myself not feeling that restless, neurotic feeling anymore. I feel a little bit more at peace and clear headed because I got this out of my system. It goes back to the whole integrating healthy stage orange that I talked about in my last post. I need to get out there and experience life so I can burn through my superficial desires and have the clear head to go after what is most meaningful. I think the biggest thing for me is having a social circle and getting into a relationship. Especially the getting into a relationship part. I find myself being super emotionally thirsty and wanting to explore my sexuality to the point where I know that occupies a large chunk of my mental energy. :Like I wake up in the morning and my first though is wanting to be cuddled. Every time I find myself distracted with a task or simply day dreaming, it usually me creating a romantic scenario in my head. And this happens much more than I feel comfortable with admitting lol. I'd be more efficient if I got it out of my system. The most irrelevant things on this list I'd say is the restaurant, and parties. Those things would be nice but aren't necessary to alleviate feelings of repression. I already went to a coffee shop recently just to chill there and I let myself eat inside of a building since my parent's calmed down a little. That's now out of my system. Also, after introspecting a little more, I realized that I don't care about parties, I was just in the house too long.

Credit Where Credit is Due I know I said I was taking a break from Leo's content and deep self improvement, but I just had the idea the other day to binge on Leo's older videos from like 2013-2015. I'm honestly impressed by how far his content has come from production value, content, and his speaking style. Not to mention how much he has grown since then. A lot of Leo's early stuff is basic self help. I noticed that I integrated most of those things though it didn't hurt to brush up on somethings. I'm proud of how far I come. I came towards a lot of these insights myself back when I was 13-18 tbh before discovering actualized.org. However, there are some more foundational things I probably should revisit. I journaled about this before but I jumped into transcendence early without fully going through integration. Again, you need a strong healthy ego before you transcend the ego. I tried to let go of everything too quickly and got attached to letting go. The foundational topics are really important even though they do have short comings and aren't the highest teachings. Also, I found myself demonizing stage orange less. Leo's early videos have a lot of healthy orange to them which can be pretty grounding. Again, even though I integrated most of the advice to the point where it feels like common sense, bringing healthy orange to the forefront to embrace it more was really helpful imo. I know life isn't about excitement and I identify with being more of an introspective homebody tbh, but I feel like I have more of a lust for life, a desire to go out and do things, to take in whatever life has to offer. I have been trying to integrate healthy orange for a couple years now and I think to continue that, my best bet it so be more action oriented and less in my head. That means being productive, making friends, and getting more life experience.

@Flowerfaeiry Yeah pick me games just aren't it. Pulling back a little can help with assessing the situation to see how balanced it is.

Yes Gender doesn't really matter but if you make the first move and the other person doesn't give back the same energy, they probably not interested. Instead if you find yourself always making the first move and the other person simply goes along with it without them also pursuing you, they have fallen into passive reciprocation. They are just going with it (reciprocation) because it's available, not because they want to or are willing to go out of their way, hence why it's passive. But once you pull back, there is a good chance they won't pursue because if they weren't pursuing then, they won't pursue now. Now I don't know your circumstance but if efforts are more equal but you happen to take a little more of the lead, that isn't really the problem because that's just how the dynamic played out. If it is more equal and you pull back a little, the other person will then start pursuing you but it rests on them still making an effort. The problem arises if you always have to pursue.