soos_mite_ah

@Raptorsin7 I can't say much in detail because I'm not part of the black community but addressing systemic racism to bridge the gap in life opportunities and encouraging more intersectionality in feminism so that the voices of black women are heard are general points of action. Basically, check your misogyny and racism.

I don't know where these statistics are coming from and what are all the factors that are at play. But I do know that women as a whole are more likely to stay single or get divorced now because they have the means of living independently which means they won't have to stick around with a man who is not good for them for their survival. And I think that is a step in the right direction because a woman shouldn't have to put up with toxic of abusive behaviors because she can't financially stand on her two feet outside of a relationship. Socioeconomic status and weight/ health issues are correlated in that richer people tend to be healthier overall. Poverty and obesity are intertwined because unhealthy food is typically easier to prepare (poor people working many jobs typically have less time and energy to cook), and are much cheaper compared to healthy food. Then there is also the whole topic of food deserts that are present in inner cities in areas where a large chunk of the population are either black or latino. The whole thing with the food desert is that there isn't access to healthy whole foods and the only food that is area in the immediate vicinity is processed foods. Are they actually being dominated or are they perceiving the domination? Latina and Asian women aren't much different than black women but the way that they are perceived and the stereotypes that are attached to them can differ in what those stereotypes are and to what extent they are implemented. Black women are seen as more masculine not because they are actually more masculine but because there is a history of oppression that is built on stripping away the femininity of black women. White women can exhibit the same behaviors and styles of dress as black women and one group will be seen as feminine and beautiful while the other group will be seen as ghetto and ratchet.

Femininity and the way it intersects between race and class is a very deep topic of discussion and has a lot of history dating back to the earliest records of the slave trade. Women of color, especially black women, have been stripped of the notion of femininity as an effort to dehumanize. Women of color especially black women can't hide behind a façade of fragility and have other people take care of them like white women can. It's incredibly difficult to revel in your own vulnerability when you aren't given the privilege or opportunity to do so. This also applies to working class women of all backgrounds. White women are often presented as the ideal for femininity due to things like colonization. They are seen as the pinnacle of beauty standards and often are excused from their contribution to white supremacy due to their perceived fragility. I have heard many stories from black women who talk about how black men view them as less feminine compared to women of other races and how sometimes black men date outside their race because of their own self hatred. Even though femininity comes in many forms, the caricature of femininity that is presented in society is someone who is quiet, docile, and submissive and this notion directly contrasts with the stereotypes that are associated with black women which include notions that they are loud, ghetto, and domineering. Black women and men have been historically hyper masculinized in order to justify opression. Especially with black women, there is this notion that she can handle more than women of other races and that she is physically can take more, which means you can hurt her more and she'll be fine. This also has direct consequences in the medical field where the pain of black women aren't taken seriously (to the point that there are still some doctors who believe black people perceive pain differently which is not backed up by any research) which results in a greater likelihood of medical complications, some of which can be life threatening. I found a really good video talking about femininity as it relates to race and class (I believe it also talks about how certain forms of femininity are associated with certain groups as well but I don't remember if it was this video or another one)

@Raptorsin7 I have my preferences but I have liked guys outside of my preferences because they fulfilled the other stuff I mentioned. Sure there are some traits I like more than others but I can appreciate and find beauty in features that are outside of what I'm typically drawn towards. To me, if I really like someone who isnt physically my type, I catch myself eventually romanticizing what they look like lol. As far as do I expect him to value looks, I think to a certain extent its inevitable and I dont mind it. I think it becomes a problem when a guy says that is the main thing they look for or they dont understand how subjective beauty can be and they expect everyone to have a similar type as he does. It strikes me as superficial.

I mean it's like what, 6 things. I just went into detail to elaborate on what it means so that I'll know the traits when I see them. I'm pretty sure the man I like will value things like respect, genuineness, openmindedness, being supportive, a sense of stability, direction in life, and self awareness as qualities I have since those are important things to have for a good relationship.

wouldn't this be stage red because of the absurdity of the extravagance?

Yes. There are plenty of other aspects of my life that gives me fulfillment. A guy isn't an end all be all. I want a relationship but I don't need one. I have journaled about this in the past so that's why this is so detailed lol. I wrote down this list when I was 16 I think to be clear about my standards because I didn't want to waste my time with guys who don't value me or who aren't healthy. 1. Respect He has to respect himself by not being a pushover. He has boundaries and is able to communicate them in a healthy way. He has to respect other people regardless of race, sexuality, gender, and differences of opinion. We need to have similar political opinions and values. He has to be mildly mannered and keep his cool most of the time. I don’t play with anger issues. But when he is angry, he is able to express that in a healthy way. He has to respect his surroundings as in he is not a slob nor is he someone who destroys things out of anger. He has to respect me, my values, and my cultural identity and be open minded when it comes to dealing with my life. He respects people enough to break up with them and be upfront about any issues in the relationship and not cheat. 2. Genuine He has to have his own identity, ambitions, and hobbies. I need him to have a life so he is not clingy He has to have passion in his life in the sense he does things because he actually cares not because of any physical pleasure nor for an ego boost. He is honest in action and in word. He has his own strong sense of morality that he can back up without having to rely on other people to tell him what to do. A strong sense of integrity is a must. He has a humble and quirky side to him. He and I have to be able to be weird and comfortable together. He has to have a sense of humor that is similar to mine and isn't rude or immature. I am including this in the list mainly because some people have a sense of humor that tends to annoy the hell out of me. He is not materialistic or shallow 3. Informed / Open minded He is well educated and has informed opinions. He knows what is going on in the world. It doesn't mean that he has a fancy degree but rather he is committed to self education. When he encounters something unknown to him, he tries to understand it. He’s open minded. He is up for any new experiences, whether it be travelling to new places, tasting new foods, trying new hobbies, etc. He knows what he is doing in life and is not prone to making impulse decisions financially, personally, nor professionally. 4. Supportive He is supportive when it comes to my decisions and dreams in life. He tries to push me toward my goals and helps me become a better person. He is empathetic and emotionally / mentally there for me. 5. Stable He has his life together, is ambitious, and has major life plans. I am the type of person who can listen to most people’s hopes and dreams all day and not get bored, so basically, ambition is a must. Financially, he is smart with his money and does not spend on unnecessary things. I don’t care about whether or not he makes more than me, but he still needs to have some sort of sustainable income or plan to do so, because in order to manage money well, you still need to have money in the first place. My man is not going to be a bum that leeches off of me. We also have to be comfortable with talking about money. This isn’t a superficial thing (hell I don’t even mind being a sugar mama) but it’s more based on stability and practicality so we aren’t on the streets. This is also important since many relationships end because of money issues. (This is more of something I would consider in a long term situation) He is not a serial monogamist. He doesn’t need to jump to a new relationship as soon as one ends because he is comfortable and stable when it comes to being on his own. I don’t want someone who will end up being co-dependent on me and expect me to complete him because he is in a constant need of validation through having a girlfriend. We need to be able to be two separate people with separate lives who don’t necessarily need one another but much rather want to be around one another. I don't like clinginess because I do tend to be pretty independent and clingy guys are pretty suffocating. He can’t be on drugs. Now, the occasional alcohol or weed is fine, but it can’t to a point where he is addicted or he binges when he gets the chance. That said, I’m obviously not going to tolerate hard drugs, but I’m also not going to tolerate vaping or smoking on the regular mainly because I find smoking an absolutely disgusting habit that straight up repulses me. He is comfortable with vulnerability: He can express himself and his feelings towards me. He can communicate what he is going through responsibly and constructively. Vulnerability is important because that is the way the relationship can grow in the first place. I don’t want to date someone who is emotionally constipated and can be open with me. If he can’t be open with me, it is going to make it harder for me to be open with him. 6. Self-Aware He is self-aware. He needs to be emotionally open to himself and me so that we can actually get to know each other well. He needs to know himself enough to where he can recognize his own short comings as well as take steps to be better. I feel that self-awareness is key to keeping a relationship healthy because it helps you more efficiently communicate with your partner since you know where you stand and how to articulate your needs, concerns, etc. He has to be dedicated to working on himself, being a good person, and seek growth regularly. I consider myself as someone who has worked on herself immensely and personally, I feel like I need someone who has put in that type of work in himself as well. His communication skills are excellent. I don’t want to deal with someone who is passive aggressive, a liar, or deceptive. If something is bothering him or something needs talking about, he isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and express his point of view of the situation. He isn’t going to expect me to read his mind and pick up on overly subtle signs as though he is a kid. Lastly, He isn’t going to bottle everything up in our relationship. In addition to all of this I also have a short list of preferences. But the stuff I mentioned above are requirements. If a guy meets everything above but doesn't meet my preferences, I'm willing to go out with him. If a guy meets some of my preferences or hell all of my preferences but he doesn't meet one of the requirements, I'm not willing to go out with him. I think people tend to want to date those who are on their level. I'm sure the guy I'm looking for who has the above qualities are looking for a girl similar to that as well. I try to embody what I look for in a partner.

That's all fine and good but it could lead to more limiting beliefs and other issues around dating like assuming that all women are vapid and here to grab your money. I'm not saying that this is what you were trying to say or that was your intention but it can be interpreted as such since there is already a huge narrative that is built around just that. It reminds me of when other women tell me that "all men your age want to do is get in your pants and ruin your life because they are immature at this age and haven't worked through their emotional issues yet so they dump it all on you. Men are trash, focus on yourself." What I'm observing now is that as I get older, men don't necessarily get better so dating won't get easier as you grow up. There is always going to be more conscious guys and less conscious guys and it's about learning to navigate that instead of waiting for some magical age when people will finally mature.

Well damn isn't that a generalization. There are a lot of high value women at that age who have a sense of character, ambitions, a work ethic, etc. Sure it's not in complete fruition yet and she is probably still figuring things out but that doesn't mean that she is "consumed by social media and shallow bullshit and don't know what's important in life." But if you have this narrative and look for women accordingly, you'll find people who are actually like. I mainly point this out because people, especially men, see a woman's interests (especially if they are traditionally feminine) as frivolous, immature, or like they do it to attract men. And just because a woman has those interests doesn't mean that she is lacking in depth. Also, I mean I get why you wouldn't want to date someone in their early 20s given your age and how that can present a huge power dynamic given that each party would be in different life circumstances. But that doesn't mean that she's behind or that there is something wrong with her because she lacks life experiences.

I highly doubt that conscious, loving men are going to be like children. I can tell you this already, I'm not into guys who are like you. And it's a huge misconception that all men are like this. It's ok if your preference is a woman who prioritizes kids more but that isn't what all men look for nor does it mean that a woman who doesn't align with your preference is destined to fail in her dating life. Additionally, if me just existing and doing what I love to do is going to be intimidating a guy, that is not the type of guy that I would be interested in. I find that some men do get intimidated by me and honestly, I find it to be a blessing. If a guy approaches me, asks me what I'm studying and then gets all wide eyed and nervous around me because of my answer to where he moves a way from me, I see it as the process of elimination. I have a lot of value that I can provide in a relationship because of my ideas, my experiences, the way I've grown myself, my outlook etc. which are partly a product of what I do and I think it would be rather foolish for someone to look at ALL of that and be like "yeah this means that she isn't feminine enough for me, I'll pass." I'm not going to water myself down for that. I'd rather mind my own business, do what I want to do, and then eventually have that energy attract someone who resonates on a similar level. Even though I want a relationship, I don't consider situations like the one I mentioned before a loss or unsuccessful because it wasn't something that was a match to begin with. You can't lose something that wasn't meant to be. I also don't mind men who aren't as high achieving as I am or in the future makes as money as I do so long as he can still support himself and doesn't feel the need to bring me down in order to stroke his ego. He needs to be confident and hold his ground in that way.

@Raptorsin7 yes

I was just skimming through the comments and damn.... some of yall sound like yall are stuck in the 1950s.....

I found a few videos that I thought had good advice and I thought I'd share that.

@NatureB August

@modmyth My dad is more of the rationalist type while my mom is rather religious. Even though my mom is religious and is Hindu, she has a I guess more traditional/ surface level view of Hinduism (I say surface level because her worship doesn't include things regarding nonduality and traditions of that sort). My dad is kind of open to things like karma, past lives and things of that nature mainly because of where he grew up. But even then, if I start talking about oneness and things of that nature, I'm pretty sure I'd be labeled as one of the crazy hippy types. I consider myself fairly open to new agey concepts. Even when I take things with a grain of salt, there is still this sense of intrigue when it comes to mystical topics and experiences. I personally don't have experiences with anything paranormal but I guess the closest thing I dealt with is sleep paralysis but I'm pretty sure there is a scientific explanation for that (as in my mind is half awake and is playing tricks on me in a partially dreamlike state) and it's not just demons. There is this book that I read recently called Extraordinary Knowing by Elizabeth Mayer and it talks about people's intuition, clairvoyance, ESP, and other paranormal phenomenon can be explained if you view everything as being connected and based in consciousness rather than materialism. It also talks about some of the epistemic issues with science and rationality and how deviations shouldn't be just thrown out as a statistical anomaly or error rather it needs to be looked at further. I find the whole hippie revolution really interesting especially when it comes to how people in India and Bangladesh saw it at the time. My dad was a teenager in the mid 70s and so he remembers the narrative behind all of this. People over there saw hippies as crazy rich white people doing crazy white people things. The general perception was that they were rich, gave up their wealth, and now sit around doing drugs and avoid showers. But when it comes to the Beetles specifically, a lot of older Bangladeshi people have a really positive view of them because the Beetles raised a lot of money for humanitarian efforts during the 1971 Liberation War when Bangladesh (then East Pakistan) fought for their independence from Pakistan. The money was used to help refugees from the war as well as raise awareness for the atrocities that were happening in that region. Because there wasn't much of a South Asian population in the U.S. during the 70s, there wasn't much of a collective backlash or outrage because the people who would be outraged simply weren't present. But if something like the hippie revolution happened today, I'm sure it would be surrounded by a bunch of people talking about cultural appropriation. I wonder what it would've been like being a brown person back then but I don't know anyone near me who was in the U.S. during that time. The people I know who immigrated to the U.S. mainly came in the 90s and early 2000s.

Digital Self Harm and Masochistic Epistemology The section between 22:40 and 30:36 talks about digital self harm and masochistic epistemology. I hate to admit it but find myself relating to these terms Contrapoints talks about digital self harm and how people seek out information that hurts them and that might not be rational to reaffirm their limiting beliefs and their world view. It's about having a masochistic epistemology which means what ever hurts must be true. The reason why I relate to this is because sometimes I catch myself going to the dating section of this forum or I check up on someone going on a racist rant and I'm always tempted to respond or to follow along and watch the drama unfold. But this literally does nothing but reaffirm my limiting beliefs around dating which consists of men being trash, I'm never going to find a decent man, and that men are manipulative misogynistic creeps who only value women for their youth and beauty and once women turn 25, they start losing their value. I know the average man isn't some red pilled scumbag but if you have been locked in the house in the pandemic for a year and the only man you associate with on a regular basis and who is not related to you is the guy at the Cinnabon drive through, you can't help but fill in the gaps of your experience based on the few things scumbags say online and have your views on what men are really like get distorted. As a result, I've been trying to cut back on what I see on this forum and mind my own damn business in my journal. I'm getting better at it but there is room for a lot of improvement. Another instance of this is how fatalistic I got with my world view when it came to capitalism. The pandemic uncovered a lot of messed up systems in society and I'm pretty sure a large portion of the youth has some form of critique against capitalism whether they realize that or not. And plus, I'm locked in the house all day with nothing to do except watch left tube so I started getting really pessimistic of what the future held. It's to the point where in my mind I was like this weed smoking hippie that didn't want to get a job because that seemed like emotional suicide. My rational mind knows that's not the case but the irrational part of me just associates work with abusive bosses and being paid slave wages or if I am making money, working crazy hours and having my labor be exploited until I can't mentally or physically continue. Yikes. Yeah I cut down on leftist media, forced myself to get an internship, and I'm working through my limiting beliefs around money. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that there are systemic issues with the way capitalism is structured but the difference is that now I try to be aware of it instead of constantly focusing on it and causing myself to spiral. And finally, I remember when I got rejected by all the schools I wanted to go to in my senior year of high school, I came across this channel that would basically say things like if you don't go to Harvard and kiss the ass of the people above you that you are going to be poor and miserable for the rest of your life. It reaffirmed the negative thoughts I was having about myself at my time of vulnerability. But then I found that this guy was a part of the alt right and I kept getting recommended red pill stuff so then he lost all credibility in my eyes and I never returned to his channel or similar channels ever again. I noticed that with red pill in general, I can't stomach that type of thing. I try to be open minded and take things with a grain of salt and a lot of times I can do that but when it comes to red pill people, I can't deal with them without feeling like trash about myself. Just goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. In the mean time, I mean I already stay away from red pill sites in general, but I should mute people like that on this site because I'm not mentally in the place to read what they have to say. Like it's to the point where I started questioning my own sexual boundaries (YIKES) and I catch myself feeling more and more pessimistic about my dating prospects. I think the whole thing with masochistic epistemology is present with guys who have issues with dating on this site. They believe that you have to have all of this money and status to even get a girl and that everything is hopeless but even when people try to explain that this is not the case, they get all defensive and then it devolves into a gender war. These guys aren't wealthy or powerful, they are using this rhetoric to hurt themselves and get into a fatalistic spiral about how men like them can't get laid and how women have it better and that they are gold digging whores by nature, annnnnnd next thing you know you get a bunch of red pill ideology. It isn't reassuring for them to be proved wrong, they find comfort in their pain even if it is delusional. And I play a part in that and in a way I'm no better because I'm still engaging in digital self harm by tuning into bad faith threads and comments that do nothing but make me feel like trash. But yeah, something like pessimism can be very addictive. I think people sometimes tend to want to be right than to be happy. It's the path of least resistance and a survival mechanism. In ancient times, it's better to assume you're right about there being a tiger behind the bush than to incorporate ~positive thinking~ and figure that it's just the wind. The former negative thinking keeps you safe while the later can get you killed if you are wrong. There is a sense of safety that is associated with being right. I think it can also be seen with people preferring familiarity over what will make them happy even when that familiarity is something like a bad habit. Reaffirming a negative world view can be reassuring. It can make you feel like you are right and that you aren't alone.

Coming Out as a Spiritual Person: A Reflection on My Reflection I think writing out the previous post helped me clear my head more. I just began thinking of this friend I had who told me that she was really getting into Kpop. She told me how she is always hesitant to tell people that she is interested in Kpop because she doesn't want to be associated with the crazy 12 year old fans who believe that they will marry an idol and who go bat shit crazy when they see the idol living a normal life. I never thought of my friend as anywhere near crazy as the fans that Kpop is associated with because I knew her and even if I didn't, she didn't give off that type of fanatical energy because of the way she explains why she likes what she likes. She told me that she was uncomfortable with telling anyone this because of the way Kpop fans were perceived and I remember thinking about how she probably missed out on connecting with a lot of people because she was hiding her interests and authenticity. I guess every group of interests have crazy fanatics or extremists but that doesn't mean I should dim my own authentic passions and what brings me joy. I'm not unusual for having these interests and I'm sure that there are plenty of people who would be open to the ideas I'm exposed to in a moderated light that I resonate with anyway. I tend to think things through well so I doubt that I come off as a fanatic so I don't think that's a problem. I think my problem is my self image and what I think people will think of me. After all, in the end of the day, I don't know what other people think of me nor is it any of my business and if I have any inkling of what other people might be thinking, that's just a projection of what I think of myself.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/women-happy-children-spouse-partner-relationship-unmarried-a8931816.html Childfree unmarried women tend to be both happier and healthier statistically speaking.

Coming Out as a "Spiritual" Person Recently I realized that one of the blockages I have in the way of showing up as my most authentic self is the shame I have surrounding my interest in self improvement and spirituality. I came up with a bunch of reasons as to why that is so in order to reflect and get off my chest. Fear of being irrational: As someone who has been into new agey topics and self improvement for the last few years, I have come across my fair share of craziness and I have encountered a lot of questionable things in the self help industry. And I'm afraid of being associated with that if I come out and say that I'm into spirituality or self development. I don't want people to automatically assume that I'm some type of irrational crazy crystal person. Nothing wrong with collecting crystals but I'm just talking about how mainstream society views people like that. I don't want to be associated with the Tony Robbins or Tai Lopez types. I feel that new age spirituality and self development has a lot to offer but that stuff gets clouded by a lot of pseudoscience and I'm afraid to be associated with the pseudoscientific side of things. Being a caricature of brown people: I have noticed that white people have a very limited view of what South Asia is like. Without getting too into that whole can of worms, I want to mainly underscore how white people see South Asia as this birth place of spirituality and how it's like their self actualization play ground. Think about the eat pray love types who go into the slums of India and are like wOW looK aT HOw HapPY tHEy arE eVEn ThouGH tHeY haVE SO littLE. They take their "spiritual awakening" and then they go back to their cushy lives. And there is a part of me that is scared of being lumped into the stereotype of the spiritual mystical brown person. I'd say the history of white people appropriating eastern culture during the hippie revolution in the 70s has a part in this. Fear of looking crazy: This is similar to the fear of being irrational but I'd put this on it's own separate category. I'm scared of looking crazy when I talk about my insights or my experiences especially if they have to do with the law of attraction or how connected everything is. I feel like people won't get it and then I'll look like some type of space cadet with a tin foil hat. Then there are just somethings that I'm into that I know aren't mainstream like spiral dynamics. I would love to talk about it but I'm afraid people won't get it or won't care to understand it because I'm not that good at explaining and because I don't think anyone would watch Leo's series on spiral dynamics (lets be real that's like 16 hours of content). It's just that the stuff that I'm into, it takes some work to figure out what it's about before really being able to discuss it. The same goes for things related to consciousness and the concept of nonduality. Fear of people thinking I'm in a cult: I really like actualized.org and I want to share with more people but I'm afraid that if I do that people would think I'm pushing a cult onto them especially with the stigma of psychedelics and the whole iM GOd rhetoric. Not saying it's true or false but if someone finds this and they don't know anything about consciousness, eastern spirituality, or nonduality, the whole thing is going to look awfully cult like. I mean, guy on drugs claiming he's god and has a whole following, sounds like a whole trope. Sometimes I feel like I have to put disclaimers up whenever I talk about these types of things. Like no I don't think you can cure cancer with essential oils, and no I don't think that everyone can pull themselves up from their bootstraps. And no, I'm not a dogmatic religious person. I feel like the reason why I was able to benefit so much from new age spirituality as well as basic self development was the way I differentiated the quality of my sources. It's not like I'm out here on a breatharian diet purchasing a bunch of get rich quick scheme courses who thinks COVID is some type of hoax. I also think I did a good job in picking out valuable pieces of advice from the harmful stuff that's out there. Of course, I have my blind spots but I try to be critical of those too. But my main thing is that I'm not going in here blind without thinking for myself.

She made a part 2

A Permanent State of Existential Crisis Honestly at this point I think this is my norm. I had these existential crises since I was a child. Thought I'd reflect on the things that bothered me at the time existentially and how my world view evolved during that time I was 8 to 14. I remember the first time I had an existential crisis I was 8 years old. I wanted to know what would happen after you died and what religion was valid. At the time I was in a Christian private school and I had Bible study on Wednesdays however I grew up in a Hindu household. My parents sent me to this school because the education was good. I remember hearing things like God punishes non-believers and I was sitting there like..... am I going to be punished too? I remember there was a kid who said he didn't believe in God and he got bullied a lot. I kept my faith to myself and wondered what would happen when I died and which faith was correct. I also found the concept of faith interesting and over the years I was at this school, I think it was the earliest phases of my self development journey. I thought religion was a good blue print of how to be a good person and qualities we should nurture within us like love, joy, peace, patience, etc (I know that's the fruits of the spirit in the Christian tradition but there was a song that all the kids liked in that school so as a result my bible study teacher would constantly sing it with us. Those songs are burned in my mind tbh) but it was also something to look at critically. I saw that there was hypocrisy in religious communities at this time though at 9 I didn't know how to articulate it. It just didn't seem that loving to bully kids who weren't part of the same faith as you and it contradicts the notion of religious freedom. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that the reason why the kids would bully others based on religion had a lot to do with what they were learning from their parents as well as the bits and pieces of what they learned in Bible study. But the parents I'd say are a larger influence tbh based on my memories of the adults around me. Then when I was 10 I remember reading this book for school called Tuck Everlasting. That was fuel to my existential crisis at the time. Basically, the book is about this family named the Tucks and the family consisted of 2 boys and their parents. They came settled in the U.S. in the 1700s and they found this spring water that gave them immortality. They thought it was just regular spring water until decades passed and none of them aged. They decided to live in relative isolation because they didn't want other people to catch on. Then, in the late 1800s, there is this girl named Winnie (the main character) who fell in love with one of the boys. And then the whole book has to do with Winnie getting to know the family, their experience with immortality, and whether or not she should also drink the spring water. So yeah that got me pondering about immortality and the finality of death and whether or not death was a blessing or a curse from god. I remember my 10 year old mind being blown. Then after I left that school, I went to another Christian private school because of the education. The atmosphere was more accepting as in no one really cared if you were Christian or not. I still had Bible study but in this school we studied religion more like a second history class in a more neutral light. In that class we discussed what was going on in the ancient world at this time, how that influenced writings, why there are contradictions in the Bible, and how Christianity, it's denominations, and Judaism differ from one another. I'm pretty sure this took me out of existential crisis mode and then pushed me into my atheist and agnostic phase. All this happened when I was 12-14. I remember at this time I also had my hyper rationalist phase as well. I thought religion was insane and that people were being too emotional and how nothing good comes from that except dissemination and violence. I think my emotionally unavailable upbringing also contributed heavily to this but yeah, 13 year old me thought she was a genius for suppressing all of her emotions and being purely logical. This was also around the time I was still in my "not like other girls" phase (though that phase started back when I was 9 or so) and basically my thought process was femininity=emotion=irrational=not valuable. But I think the most valuable thing that came out of this stage of my life was me trying to learn how to think critically. I also studied psychology and some philosophy at this time because I wanted to understand people's irrational impulses and emotions and how to keep those in check in order to thrive in life. Though that didn't manifest in the healthiest ways, it did create a foundation of self awareness and impulse control because even now I pause at the heat of the moment of things and I try to asses the situation internally and externally, weigh my pros and cons, and see what is the best course of action strategically and morally. Nowadays, I also added emotional well being into consideration but that wasn't on my radar back when I was 14 because I thought emotions were weak and stupid. Looking back, even though some things were limited and really cringy, I think overall having a solid foundation of blue and orange saved me a lot of trouble growing up.

Understand and Improve the Human Condition I FINALLY FOUND MY IMPACT STATEMENT!!!!!!!!!! So, I've been retaking the Life Purpose course and I set the intention to figure out what my impact statement was which is supposed to point you towards your life purpose. And I finally came up with a very solid one so I'm really excited because it resonates with me so well!!! I was meditating on this and it simply came to me when I managed to quiet my mind down. I then realized that basically all of my hobbies, my interests, and the way I look at the world revolves around understanding and improving the human condition. I took this definition from Wikipedia because I was having trouble articulating what exactly I meant by the human condition and I felt that wikipedia articulated it well. All of these things are things that intrigued me at some point. The subjects that this definition includes are all things I was drawn to which caused me to pick the field of study I have right now. At first I thought I liked looking at different cultures and seeing how they connect but then I realized that this is only one piece of my desire to understand the human experience. A lot of the causes I resonate with matches up with this impact statement. I care about wealth in a very sociological way and the way people are treated in the work force because work is such a big portion of one's human condition so it's essential for a good life to have good working conditions. These things impact people on an individual and systemic level. I care about access to health care, access to housing, and other human rights issues. I'm interested in businesses and how they can organize themselves better to maximize their potential and treat their workers well at the same time and how those things are one and the same. I care about self improvement which what else is it other than understanding yourself to improve yourself. I care about mental health not only the methodology behind it but also how human it is. I care about the media and pop culture as a form of art and how that shapes the experience of a collective and what that means in the larger picture of how we evolve as a humanity. I care about philosophy and the way we figure out what is right and wrong and the best way to deal with the situations at hand by understanding the mechanisms that are at play. Finally, I care about consciousness and spirituality and understanding it in order to expand. As far as careers go, I entertained the idea about becoming a professor at one point but the thing that turned me off about that was that even though I would do a lot of research, a lot of my impact will be confined in academia and wouldn't reach a wide group of people. This profession had the "understanding the human condition" part down but doesn't have the "improving the human condition" part as much. I have thought about working as a therapist or life coach at one point but I didn't really resonate with either of those. As much as I'm interested in understanding individuals, I also want to take on a systemic approach as well to create the greatest impact on people. I care about understanding the human condition on both the collective and individual level. I have thought about going into political activism or becoming a lawyer at one point because I care about improving the human condition. But at the same time, I feel like I could fall into the trap of advocating much more than I contemplate and research. For that reason I'm a little turned off. And finally I thought about consulting or going into human resources so that I can impact people on both a collective and individual people and so that I am in a position to empathize with others but also implement solutions in a strategic manner. I feel like at this moment this resonates with me the most but I don't have the best view on corporate jobs and I want to have my own thing at some point. I'm still figuring all of this out and I have no idea what my zone of genius or my medium in which I execute my impact statement is going to be.

Parasocial Relationships: Energy I'm Trying to Take in So I'm trapped in the house with my parents and as much as I love them, they aren't the healthiet people to be around. Because I'm not in a place to just move out at this moment, to cope with this energy, I have decided to go to youtube and find some better influences that can keep me on track and sane. I'm intrigued by the concept of a parasocial relationship and how people in the media can have a relationship with their audience while it being one sided. Even though people often view parasocial relationships in a negative light because of the way people can be crazy with their fandoms, I found that with me, I don't really get attached to media influences as much as I've been getting older but certain people's energies can have a positive or negative impact on me. Since I can reduce the negative influences only so much because I'm living in the same house as my parents, I'm trying to increase the positive influences. This particular set of content creators I feel have a good integration of healthy orange and green and they express it in a very gentle way. Even though I know, understand, and integrated a lot of the stuff they are talking about, for me again, is more about taking in that type of positive energy. This is going to sound weird but I like how they have a good balance of basic/mainstream and spiritual. I've been trying to integrate my more basic side recently so that I can stop seeing myself as some type of weird kid but at the same time I don't want to act out of inauthenticity and throw out everything that makes me unique at the same time by throwing the baby out with the bath water. This is going to probably sound even weirder but I noticed that I have similar values and interests as a lot of these people and in a way I like to think of their content and taking in to integrate their energy as a way to embody the energy I'm trying to attract particularly with friendships. I'm trying to ~manifest~ the type of friends I want and that I resonate with and I'm doing the whole practice of acting as if in the form of parasocial relationships in order to do that.

@Blackhawk I'm 21 I think my age does have some role in my irritability because I'm supposed to be and I want to be in this place where I'm gaining independence and exploring myself and my surroundings but I'm stuck at home because of the pandemic and that is causing me to feel shut in to the point where I want to implode. I think there is this added feeling of repression and feeling of being emotionally stunted because I'm back in familiar surroundings that combine to create what I'm feeling.

Embracing My Inner Basic I wrote this entry months ago and I had this in the back of my mind all this time. Basically I set the intention and went about my life. I found that when I do that and let go of my resistance along with trying to make it happen that I eventually end up manifesting things. Of course this doesn't work for everything but I found that it works pretty well when it comes to changing the way I see myself. I have noticed that I started settling into my basic energy ever since I started more gentle forms of self help. I'm still not the type that binges netflix, drinks coffee, or listens to the top 40. Instead I've been tapping into my own form of basic similar to how when I was getting into embracing my feminine side, I went in thinking I had to be a stereotypical version of a woman as a starting point but it eventually turned into me embracing my own unique form of feminine energy. I guess one of the main blocks for me when it comes to embracing my inner basic energy is my obsession with self help. I wanted to improve myself but I ended up losing myself in the process (and not in a fun psychedelic way). But when I toned that down and let loose a little bit, I found myself being more basic and relatable rather than uptight and aspirational if that makes sense. I began reconnecting to my tastes instead of feeling the need to detach all the time. One of the ways that I reconnected with my taste was with candles, lotions, things that smell nice. Bath and Body Works sparks a lot of joy in me lol. I really like citrus scents and things that smell clean. One of my favorite scents is the smell of clean laundry. After that I would say that I like the smell of lavender. Then I have my florals, like rose, lilac, and hibiscus along with more earthy scents like sandalwood or sage. My least favorite scents are the ones that smell really sweet or fruity. I know that I said that I like florals and citrus but there is a huge difference between smelling like lemons and oranges and smelling like a mango or smelling like flowers or smelling like vanilla and sugar. I don't mind those scents on other people and I still think they smell good but I find myself not really gravitating towards them for myself. I find those scents being too strong imo. My main thing is that I like smelling fresh and clean without anything extra. I find myself being good about not hoarding these things. I noticed that building up an endless collection of scents can be a slippery slope. I just have a pet peeve for half or quarter full bottles that don't get used up. It just feels wasteful and like I'm not appreciating what I have. I have a personal rule where I don't let myself buy anything new until I finished the one I have completely. I buy a lot of minis for that reason since the full size ones take forever to use up (unless I know that I absolutely love it and I will repurchase it again and again). That's with beauty products in general tbh. I think I have this tendency with other things as well where I metaphorically want to use everything up completely and run it to the ground before getting something new. I think a lot of this has to do with my love language being touch. For the context of self care, it translates to me liking things that smell nice, areas that look nice (like a clean dark room with candles), and things that feel nice to touch. One of my favorite things to do is go to a makeup store and feel the brushes. I used to do this as a kid but I still do it now. I don't really wear makeup like that nor am I super interested in it but I like feeling things that are fluffy and soft. I also like the feeling of exfoliating and scrubbing. Idk why, I just do lol. I have journaled about this in a multi part series in the past but I love youtube channels that analyze things. It could range from anything from psychology, politics, and complex systems to pop culture and media. I don't care about indulging in pop culture and media for the sake of it much (again not the type who really binges on Netflix) but I like looking at the analysis behind it because it give me a birds eye view of what's going on, keeps me informed, while also carrying a kernel of truth / insight. In addition to the analysis of pop culture and media, I also love memes in general as well as videos of cats and dogs which I post every now and then on this journal if I want a break from what I'm writing. I think tapping into these parts of me helped me deal with the superiority/ inferiority complex that comes with me seeing myself as this "weird kid." I think also taking a break from really dense and spiritual content and instead opting to just connect with regular people without everything being this deep and intellectually stimulating conversation also helped because one, I'm not mentally burning myself out, and two, I'm just connecting with people without subconsciously thinking of how unconscious and lacking in depth they are. I think my judgements where really subconscious to the point where I barely noticed them but they just manifested in me feeling like I couldn't connect to people or that I didn't resonate with others. This also reminds me of one of the first things I ever posted on this forum. This was the thread that got me to stop using my account as a lurk account and start commenting on things as well as journaling.