soos_mite_ah

Appreciating Bitterness So I bought this bar of dark chocolate that is 75% cocoa and has little bits of coffee in each square. It's really bitter and normally I'd be really turned off by it but because I have cut out some carbs out of my diet and been extra mindful of the amount of sugar I've been consuming, instead of just taking in the bitterness, I've been able to be more receptive of the other flavors and notes in the chocolate which is causing me to really enjoy it. I never had a super unhealthy diet but even by cleaning it up a little bit I did get changes in my taste buds. I know it's a whole thing when people cut out things that aren't healthy that their taste buds get more sensitive and therefore they start enjoy healthier foods more because they pick up on the subtle flavors more. I think the same can be true with self actualization/ spiritual work as well in relation to your life experiences. When you have an unhealthy life style or you're in an unhealthy circumstance, sometimes you go numb to the negative effects through normalization similar to how your taste buds get used to super salty and super sugary foods from eating processed foods all the time. Getting into a healthy lifestyle whether it is breaking out of old patterns of thoughts or changing your diet can be challenging because you get so numb to the unhealthy circumstance that the healthy alternative tastes bad, foreign, and unnatural literally and figuratively. I think I remember reading a comment on tiktok that was something along the lines of "I sometimes like hanging out with toxic and dramatic people because even though I don't participate in the drama, it's still tea and it gives life a little spice." I think that example illustrates how we get accustomed to unhealthy things in our lives to where we crave them in a way despite it not being good for us. And eventually, we acquire the healthy taste through the work we do on ourselves and maintaining the healthy habit in question becomes easy because it starts to feel really good. I know personally after cutting down on sugar and carbs that I can't even enjoy milk chocolate anymore because it's too sweet and it doesn't have that much flavor so as a result, I don't have this thing where I have to exert self control when I see chocolate anymore. When it comes to bitterness specifically, after cleaning up my diet, like I said, I have been able to enjoy really dark chocolate (all the way to like 95% dark chocolate) and appreciate all the flavors instead of having the urge to spit it out just because it's bitter. And I think the parallel between that and self actualization work is how we see obstacles and challenges. Because when you get into a healthier place, even if a certain circumstance is bitter, you can appreciate the circumstance for what it is and still find flavors in the experience you can savor and learn from by just being present. If you are in a less healthy place you're more likely to want to spit it out and resist the circumstance in question causing you to go through more turmoil and bitterness. And it's not that if you are in a less healthy place that you are more sensitive. If anything, the healthier you are and the more healing work you've done by peeling back layers of your psyche, the more sensitive you become. Because not only do you have you have more mastery over your emotions, meaning you can differentiate and discern subtle emotions as they come up, therefore giving you more data points on how to handle a situation, but the experiences penetrate much deeper into your heart because you don't have the layers of trauma and defense mechanisms clouding your judgement and perception of the situation. The difference between being in a healthy or unhealthy state isn't difference when it comes to levels of sensitivity rather it is the difference when it comes to reactivity.

I wanted to repost this and bring it more to the forefront of my more recent journal posts because I think it's really relevant to what I talked about in my previous post.

Judging My Judgement, Critiquing My Critical Thinking I've been watching some different YouTube channels lately that resonate with me but isn't the type of content that I usually reach for. Normally, I like videos that have a lot of analysis and insight and are dense in that way. But lately since I've been trying to be more gentle with myself and take a break, I've instead shifted my media consumption to watching channels that resonate with my energy and have some light forms of self help mixed in to it. I can't say that I'm learning a lot from these channels. Most of the content are things that I know or have implemented in my life but it's more about taking in their energy because I felt like I needed more positivity in my life. But even though I'm not intellectually learning a lot, I feel better emotionally. I've become somewhat of an isolated loner for the last few years but especially since moving back home and I've been working through my issues with my self image, particularly how I tend to see myself as a weird kid because of my interests. I found that seeing traits I have in other people makes me feel like I can relate to people therefore making me feel less crazy I went from watching videos that brought me a lot of growth, illuminated lessons I needed to integrate, and were really dense with information and insight to watching videos that had a more gentle approach to self help which focused on the basics rather than the complex stuff. At first, switching to these videos felt like a waste of time, like I wasn’t learning anything. I was tempted to play all the videos on 2x speed but I decided against it because my objective wasn’t to learn but to take in other people’s energies parasocially. Then I was like, that’s my problem. I don’t know how to take a break and let loose to have fun because I got so consumed with working on myself. It feel unnatural to me because I was stuck in this hamster wheel of self development. I then noticed how this has parallels with my real life. I have this thing where the two things I look for in any relationship is “is this person giving me peace of mind?” and “is this person someone I’m learning and growing from being around them?” And those are valid questions but I guess part of me is too cut throat and was caught up with seeing how emotionally intense the growth a person is going to bring me and critiquing/ evaluating them subconsciously rather than trying to connect to that person. In a way, I went too far to one end to where I was walking in with an agenda. But the thing is that I don’t always have to claw for growth. I can take a break, relax, and let myself have fun and do things that are solely for that and serve no other purpose other than giving me a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment through connecting with someone. I feel like switching from my analysis dense media consumption to something gentler pushed me towards being. It’s like the bias that I remember Leo talking about that was along the lines of the ego seeing something as important only because it serves the ego instead of taking the rest of reality into consideration. I didn't know how much I was hyper analyzing, judging, and critiquing until I switched the content I was watching. Even though those critiques and judgements were more along the lines of evaluation, I think that still took a lot of energy as opposed to if I were to just let myself be and experience the moment. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just switch off my brain, but I did remember that at one point I felt that the amount of thinking I was doing was getting me more anxiety rather than fulfillment. I still find myself getting a lot of fulfillment by analyzing things and gaining a sense of understanding of how the world works. But I think there was an element of it that was in excess and that was unhealthy. I wasn't just letting myself be. I was theorizing things to the point where I was paralyzed to inaction. Overanalyzing gave me a sense of control because it made me feel that I knew what was going to happen next and because I associate a sense of safety with feeling smart. I got that intellectual hubris from my own analysis. I noticed some of these issues come up and I decided to look back at the spiral dynamics stage yellow short comings and they resonated. I took notes on that part a while back and I thought I should include it because it's really relevant to what I've been discussing.

I was forced to spend time with my family today and I feel so drained afterwards. I almost feel guilty for this because my family literally didn't do anything and nothing really occurred to make me feel this way. Firstly, I've been stuck in the house with my parents since March 2020. I try to spend as much time as possible by myself but even then I don't feel like I can recharge completely. I also didn't have a great childhood because of the way they raised me and I have spent a lot of time and money to fixing myself and the emotional turmoil they put me through but I have some good things about my relationship with them so it's kind of a mixed bag (don't know if that's relevant to this topic). The thought of me then going out of my way to spend time with my family (we went on a hike) felt draining and annoying. The whole thing felt forced. During this hike, again, nothing happened, I mean we barely talked to each other because we have nothing to say to each other since we are accessible to each other 24/7, but I caught myself feeling annoyed with their presence and wanting to just go back to my room and limit as much interaction as possible. Afterwards, my parent's and I went to my aunt and uncle's house. This is a little background but I hate my aunt and uncle because they are incredibly dogmatic/religious/conservative/ fanatical MAGA supporters, don't know how to respect boundaries (or really know what that even means), and are loud and awkward. Growing up, I would clash a lot with them specifically on political matters. Because I don't really have family in the U.S. my parents would dismiss how I felt about them by telling me that I *HAVE* to like them (and that I'm awful and selfish if I don't) and love them even though that's not how I feel about them because we don't share the same values. Because they don't know how to respect boundaries and because my dad is scared to set boundaries because of his own personal problems, in order to deal with that my family always tells white lies to them so that they don't annoy us and so that they won't get offended. And I hate how in general I feel like I can't be authentic around them. Growing up I was forced to go to their house everyday and then somethings happened in my life and I didn't have to go there everyday anymore and just cutting down how much time I spent with them improved my mental health. That's what I noticed over the years. Anyway, so we went to their house and they didn't do anything that would annoy me or make me uncomfortable. They were just chilling and that's it. But even entering their house, I felt my energy just dip down. Idk, I just don't like the energy around their house or around them tbh. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this and that I'm being irrational. I can feel this tenseness inside of me and wanting to snap at everyone but I don't out of respect. I don't know why I'm like this and why I can't control these feelings that come up when I'm around them and why I can't act normal. Again they aren't doing anything except existing but I catch myself getting irrationally irritated.

I don't think those are biases tbh. They seem like simple preference and don't get me wrong it's important to be cognizant of what in your environment impacts your preferences. To me, it crosses over to bias and ego when you try to present that preference as some type of absolute truth. Like, it's ok to say "I like Chinese food." That isn't racist. But saying something like "You have to like Chinese food because it is objectively the best in the world and if you don't like it you're stupid etc." is when you dip into problematic category. Or something like speaking English is fine but when you cross over to the territory of hating other people and thinking they are less than because they don't speak English, that's when it turns into biases/ racism. Acknowledging preference is like acknowledging form. Form isn't always something that is egoic, toxic, or something that needs to be transcended. Honoring form can even be a way of being more in alignment because you are acknowledging the unique form of source energy you are.

I agree with this. But there are people who do judge that. That's why I think that the whole "everyone should go vegan and if you aren't vegan you are selfish, hate all animals, and advocate for climate change" argument that a lot of triggered green people sometimes use is really naïve and short sided because there can be many reasons ranging from individual health and the availability of options in a systemic, sociological level that needs to be considered. Yeah definitely do what you can but don't judge other people for not doing the same because you don't always know what's up with them and their lives.

Turning Competence Into an Identity Part 9: Don't You Just Hate It When Men I believe that I have this limiting belief around men which goes along the lines of "men are terrifying and will ruin your life." And I think some of it is justified considering the violence against women. I highly doubt men have to think 5 times before walking somewhere late at night or be told to carry pepper spray and a taser growing up. But I think for me it dips into the prejudice territory because part of me is on edge when it comes to dating. I talked about this when I talked about me having the emotional energy of a feral cat and the concerns I have with dating in the previous page so I'll avoid repeating myself. I say prejudice instead of sexist because women being afraid and therefore not liking men doesn't have the same power dynamic as men not liking women. I think it can be similar to when POC talk about not liking white people in the sense you can call it prejudice but not racist because again, the power dynamic isn't there to where POC disempowers white people. When women say something along the lines of "I hate men" it usually refers to the scary shit men do because of toxic masculinity and the way the patriarchy sets up norms and institutions rather than hating men because they are simply men. I remember seeing a tiktok once about how dating advice for women is sometimes unhinged. I'll try to link the tiktok but in case if it doesn't show up for whatever reason, this is what it said: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeXBkPBw/ Has anyone else noticed that dating advice for women is just like completely unhinged? Like it's either super old school, cosmo type stuff like "keep things sweet in the bedroom by never advocating for yourself and eating a donut off your boyfriend's dick" or alternatively like new age #savage type stuff like "never show any emotion ever, you will be humiliated, you will be gaslit, you will be abused, and keep a knife strapped to your thigh incase you have to chop off his balls unexpectedly!" Like how did we get here, like surely there's a middle ground, no??? I know this was exaggerating for the joke but seriously, it's like your options are compromise on your needs and boundaries or be constantly on guard. I remember one time reading a magazine because I was waiting on my mom to get something while I was waiting in line at the supermarket. I flipped to the dating advice section and one of the pieces of advice was along the lines how you need to be extra adventurous and be turned on all the time in the first 3 months of a relationship or else he won't be attracted to you and you won't lock him down. I was 13 at the time and I was like what. the. absolute. fuck. Surely this can't be healthy. People should go at the pace they feel comfortable with and honor their desire/ lack there of instead of resorting to manipulation and games to *make* someone stay. I also remember reading something recently how you should never tell your man your insecurities, fears, trauma, negative emotions, or stuff that happened to you in the past because he will take advantage of that and use it as a way to abuse you. I think since I'm in a healthier place with being comfortable with vulnerability, I looked at this and I was like..... shouldn't opening up and building a sense of intimacy be the whole point of dating and being in a relationship? I get not revealing that kind of stuff early on because you don't know who you're dealing with and because that stuff can be too heavy too soon but like ever???? even in a long term relationship???? Like damn.. someone has trust issues and walls put up. I hope whoever wrote that finds healing. But I know that if I was in place where I was terrified of being vulnerable, I can definitely see myself taking that advice and running with it. And then advice on moving on usually can be defined into the categories of "you're a queen, focus on yourself, hyper or self up" girl boss type stuff that completely brushes over your feelings regarding ending the relationship or "HE NEVER LOVED YOU HE USED YOU STOP BEING SO NAIVE" talking about how men are trash. I obviously fall into the more guarded approach when it comes to dealing with men by resorting to psychoanalyzing people secretly on the first date to scan for any red flags. I try to have this image of competence because I don't want people to take advantage of me. I was unpacking some of my journal entries with my therapist yesterday and I came to this conclusion: You think your teachers and employers aren’t to be trusted when you talk about mental health or anything that could be going wrong in your life and that you have to be the bigger and competent person because you grew up having to be the bigger person with your parents. By seeing their incompetence, you learned to not trust authority and be super independent because that stopped you from blindly following your parents to hell. I was talking about being nervous about returning to school and applying to jobs but I think this can also apply to men as well because even though in most relationships there isn't a power dynamic or an authority like in the case of student vs teacher or child vs parent, there is still a power dynamic when it comes to society at large with women vs men. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I see parallels with my mindset and how that bleeds into me dealing with others.

Try to tell that to people who might not have an alternative to cows milk like say in a developing country or in a small town. I've noticed more and more people becoming vegan after things like meat alternatives came in because that meant that they can transition to veganism in an easier way without cutting out everything they enjoy eating. Yes, personal change can put pressure on institutions to change but institutional change can lead to personal change. It's like the chicken or the egg argument. One of the big reasons why we aren't as savage as people say in the middle ages or greek/roman times and we aren't pillaging each other is because over the centauries we have built up institutions, norms, societies, and environments that DE incentivizes that kind of behavior and makes them counterproductive to anything we wish to accomplish.

I've been feeling that recently. I've been taking a break from deep/dense topics, started focusing on more basic forms of self help even if I already integrated those lessons, and I started tapping into my authentic interests more without thinking about whether it is a distraction or whether or not it's super conscious. Taking a break does help you be grounded and have a clearer head to soak in deeper content later on. Give yourself a break so you can digest whatever is already in your system without adding more to the mix. That's what I noticed with my break at least. Sometimes taking in content that is dense with information that provokes introspection can lead to burn out emotionally.

I second this. I found a lot of stage green people there. My for you page consists of the following: history facts people doing shadow work to reach higher levels of self love therapists sharing their insights on how to work through trauma, how it works, and how to help people through them feminists talking about social issues and describing social structures memes witches who talk about astrology and make fun of people jokingly animals

So what I'm getting is use your 5 senses to ground yourself in the present instead of getting distracted from pessimistic attitudes from the past and then use that peace to refocus your energy in a positive towards what you are aiming towards. And figuring out where to aim that positive energy can be done using a vision board.

@Raptorsin7 ABCD stands for American Born Confused Desi Some South Asian people assume that if you aren't from the Indian subcontinent even if you are brown that you aren't really South Asian in the sense that your cultural identity doesn't count. The term ABCD carries the assumption of confusion because it assumes that brown people born in the U.S. are white washed and ignorant of their own cultural background.

Self Discipline is Overrated Part 3: Discipline Doesn't Work. Here's What to do Instead I journaled about this topic before but I think this video drives a lot of what I wrote about home as well as add additional points.

Procrastinating on my Purpose I'm really tempted to procrastinate on getting on track with my life purpose. Before getting on track with my purpose, I have this desire to burn through some of my social needs and become financially free from my parents. All that is fine and good but where I feel like I'm going wrong is this desire to create a cushy life for myself first and then go after a sense of greatness. It makes sense on the surface because you want to have a good foundation and you don't want to get too ahead of yourself. But I think the limits of this is that this approach doesn't always make the most deep, sustainable change in the long term and eventually you are going to have to back track and build a stronger foundation. I think my temptation falls under this category. My brain is like "ok lets just get a typical 9/5 job now and then worry about this life purpose stuff later when we feel miserable enough to naturally grow past it." But my intuition is all like "ok but if you have a good foundation now and put in that extra emotional labor now to figure out what you really want to do, you can save time and emotional distress later on. Basically, deal with the existential crisis now so it doesn't snowball into something bigger later if you decide to put it off. Take the time to figure out where you want to go so you can start off in the right direction instead of course correcting multiple times." But there are pros and cons to first creating a cushy life and then going after something bigger. The pro is that you exhaust your more surface level desires and as a result it's easier to tap into your deeper, more fulfilling motivations. It's like climbing up the Maslow's hierarchy. Taking care of the lower needs provides a foundation so that you can focus on your higher needs. The con to this approach is that you can fall into the temptation of staying comfortable and stagnant to where you undersell yourself and never actualize your potential. You just settle for fine and that's it. And eventually that will erode you to where you have no choice but to deal with it or keep avoiding it and get even more miserable. I guess the best approach for me is to be proactive with finding my purpose as far as my career goals go while also letting myself exhaust things like my social needs because that will enable me to have a clearer vision with my search.

I felt like acknowledging my progress in this area of my development.

@Derek White First of all, please don't use the term ABCD. I assure you that I have no problem with my cultural identity and that I'm not confused lol. Read the post. I provided all the relevant details. How? I don't have many expectations from them. I know why they are the way they are but that doesn't mean that things don't hurt or affect me.

I second this. It's much more difficult to make the right choice when you are given limited options in your environment or hell are incentivized to act in unethical ways.

@RendHeaven That reassuring thank you

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 2: Cringe I have come back to this Contrapoints video a few times because I find it insightful and I think there is a lot of insight I can use to delve into my own psyche in order to reflect on the issues that are bothering me. This time I took notes. 3:00 Cringe is when you notice yourself not measuring up to your own standards and having no self awareness in a certain situation Yeah I think that's why I socially cringe at myself so often. I have high standards for myself even if other people don't and because my standards are so high, I inevitably fall short causing me to cringe. Most people don't think I'm awkward and cringy but I still find myself thinking I'm awkward and cringy. 17:00-22:00 In this part, Natalie talks about the typical things that get labeled as cringy and how things that people feel contempt towards also gets labeled as cringy. Then she lists out what people typically consider cringy. Somethings that these groups have in common include: deviancy whether physical, mental, social, or sexual a combination of passionate sincerity and amateurism perceived tendency for lack of social composure obsessive interests and unconventional hobbies low social status I think I most identify with groups that have niche and obsessive interests (spirituality) and lack of emotional composure (issues with mental health, being a feminist, having a public journal, fears of appearing crazy). Masocotization/ Memeification: freeze a moment and have it exemplify a group of people you oppose Give a cringe worthy mascot so people won’t want to be like that public ridicule- it’s better to be the one laughing than laughed at Don’t act like that or people will laugh at you- control human behavior (public humiliation) My consumption of memes have a large role in this. The first thing I think of when I think of why I cringe when it comes to identifying with spirituality is all of the Awakening with JP videos. I think the same could be said regarding my shame with being identified with liking self help because I feel like people have a caricature of Tai Lopez and get rich quick schemes in their head. 25:00 Recognizing yourself as having things in common with a cringeworthy person induces self-cringe. Self-cringe can help you change your behavior, beliefs and self-concept Cringe to exert superiority Trollshielding: compensating for your own shame by projecting onto others Also think of scapegoats and how they help us process our own shame and anxiety 46:18 A-log theory of morbid cringe: We form obsessive and addictive contempt for people who have traits in common with us; people who make us uncomfortable because we see something of ourselves in them. Group representation aspect: Being afraid that other people will cringe at a group that includes you because of how the cringy people are acting Yeah this resonates with me when it comes to my interest in spirituality. I have talked about how there are some people in this umbrella who believe in things like being fruitarian and being anti vax and basically their pseudoscience clouds any amount of credibility new age spirituality has. Similar to the way Natalie was talking about the things she has in common with cat girls and the contempt she feels about them reminds me of how I sometimes feel about the spiritual community. Like I'm spiritual, but I'm not one of the crazy crystal people, I still believe in science and rationality and I believe the new age movement has some redeeming points but I'm not so openminded to where my brain falls out. I'm interested in self-help but I'm not one of those idiots who fall for thousand dollar courses and who is a bootlicker who believes that anyone can get rich by simply working hard and listening to motivational speeches. I have a more sophisticated worldview than that because I can take what works and leave the bs behind to create a more integrated sense of understanding. Well don't I sound like I have a tier 2 superiority complex in that....... But it's still important to always remember: 1:15:45 “When you point the finger at someone else, you point the finger away from yourself” So then you get a sense of safety from distancing yourself by being the judger instead of the judged. You pick someone to blame for the issue at hand and point at them and be like "this is the reason why people feel this way about us." Because it's easier to have a tangible villain/ scapegoat than blame some type of vague system for the stigma. Projecting the shame to a scapegoat doesn't address the stigma and just continues the cycle of shame, Again I see myself in this because I think for me it's easy to point to the crazy crystal people spreading pseudoscience as the ones to blame because new age spirituality is seen as woo woo rather than acknowledge that we live in age dominated my materialism, rationality, and science and that there are limitations to that world view. It's easy for me to point at Tai Lopez than for me to acknowledge the role of being in a stage orange time. 1:18:00 Moderate amounts of cringe can be healthy because it shows that you care about others. It can be a sign of self awareness. There are people who never cringe at themselves and lets just say those people tend to be narcissistic and lacking in self awareness. But as away to not end up like those people, some people go too far in the other direction to where they cringe too much at themselves causing them to have contempt for themselves and others. "There is narcissism in self hate." - David Foster Wallace. Time spent cringing at yourself is still time spent obsessing over yourself. The solution is self indifference. not hyping yourself up. Self indifference is the realization that you are not that big a deal. You maybe cringy in the past and you may be cringy now but everyone else is cringy too so nothing matters. Reminds me of the concept of no self. I think I could really benefit from Melissa Dahl's book Cringeworthy since it was cited so many times and because I keep coming back to this video. This is also a huge issue when it comes to my self esteem and issues with social anxiety and I think this book can shed some light on that.

Most of the answers are great but I would also add knowing how to do household chores knowing how to fix basic things around the house making healthy food/ eating healthy

I think I was being too vague with the ethics point. There is the whole animal cruelty argument but I was talking about how people who are really into caring about the earth and are concerned about climate change. For some people, becoming vegan gives them a sense of control, like they are doing their part and what they can in their power in the face of an existential threat. While some believe that going vegan will actually make a difference, in reality, it's a personal coping strategy at best since it's unlikely that individual people going vegan is actually going to be enough to save the planet.

I agree with everything that @Roy is saying and in addition to that I think destigmatizing mental health issues as well as making mental health services more widely available is crucial. To get people to stop abusing drugs, it's important to see why people start in the first place. One of the main reasons why people abuse drugs is because they don't have healthy ways of coping with trauma. It isn't uncommon in AA meetings for people to talk about how they started drinking to cope with abuse, sexual assault, stress etc. Not only will destigmatizing mental health issues and making mental health services help addicts but it can also prevent more people from becoming addicts since a separate, healthy alternative to not only cope but to heal is available. It's also important to view addiction as a mental health issue rather than seeing it as proof that someone is a bad person. People tend to moralize drug use and demonize people who have issues with drugs. By viewing addiction as a mental health issue, it destigmatizes addiction which then enables people with addiction to get help without being judged and it helps their loved ones support them in that endeavor instead of enabling them further by demonizing them and isolating them. Also, making all drugs legal can enable more people to get help with addiction since there wouldn't be the threat of them getting put in jail for drug possession. Addressing addiction is important for addicts and users but it's also important for dealers as well since many dealers are also addicts so therefore both the number of addicts and dealers will decrease. And finally, we need to address things like income inequality and low income/poverty stricken areas. People don't just wake up one day and thing "hmm, you know what sounds like a fun idea, let's sell crack." People get into these types of things because of money issues. If impoverished areas were given more resources and we lowered the price of college, I'm sure that would have an effect on the number of people who feel compelled to be dealers.

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward So I'm going to be journaling and exploring why I am ashamed of any amount of social awkwardness. I'm going to start off with what I perceive as awkward on my end in the first place. The first 3 things have to do with my basic sense of shyness. Nervous about my interests: Did a whole post on how I'm self conscious about talking about spirituality and self development. I guess I could add that I have been spending a lot of time on myself to work through the issues in my life but that's typically not something that you could talk about with someone you aren't close to. I'm nervous about oversharing and making myself look mentally unhinged. As a result, I tend to under share about myself irl and I cope by getting the other person to talk about their interests and experiences so that I won't have to reveal anything about myself. I do reveal things eventually but only after I feel that the person can handle it depending on what I know about them. Being nervous around guys who I know are interested in me: I'm probably going to a whole post about this afterwards to delve in my perceptions of men. But I guess one of the big things is that I'm not used to male attention. I didn't catch anyone's eye through high school and middle school and then suddenly when I got to college I got guys hitting on me. And it wasn't just people in my college, a large portion of them were just people in public. It's just that, because I didn't encounter many situations like this growing up, I don't know what to do or how to react when something like this does happen. I just resort to saying thank you if a guy tells me I'm pretty followed by giggling nervously and trying to play off my awkwardness as me being shy and flattered so that it comes off as cute instead of weird. Most of this is lack of experience coming off as nervousness rather than nervousness tbh. Running out of things to say: I know silences are normal in a conversation but I'm nervous when I simply run out of things to say to the other person and I'm nervous that one of those awkward silences will last too long. I feel like it would make me seem uninteresting, as though if I don't have anything to talk about, people will think I probably don't have a life, I don't have interests, and I'm not doing anything with my life. I think the pandemic REALLY emphasized this because I definitely don't have a life now and as a result, I have even less things to talk about. This one thing gives me so much social anxiety. The next 3 things have to do with symptoms of my ADHD. I manage my ADHD well and I don't have a problem with functioning because I have really good coping skills but I don't like it when it slips out in social circumstances. Rambling: Contradictory to me feeling self conscious about running out of things to say, I'm also nervous about rambling. Hell, I found myself being hesitant to write long posts in my journal because of this. I'm afraid of things being one sided, the other person being bored or confused with all that I have to say. I don't want to lecture to someone because I think it would be unempathetic, rude, and not conducive to bonding with someone. I've also been constantly told as a kid by my peers and the adults around me that I talk too much and that no one cares about what I have to say and I'm pretty sure that has caused me to retreat and be shy for a chunk of my life. Interrupting: This doesn't happen that often but I cringe at myself every time I get too excited about a topic or contributing to a conversation to where I interrupt someone. I feel like I'm being unempathetic to the other person and that I'm revealing myself to be a hyper active person with no impulse control. But at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to do this or else the other person will keep talking and I won't get a chance to express my point of view (this is rare though but I still feel bad when this happens). Talking too fast, stuttering, filler words and not making sense: My mind goes a million miles per hour sometimes. I can have 20 different ideas in a matter of a second. But it takes time to articulate all that and sometimes I feel like my mind moves faster than my ability to express myself. It's the reason why I can't write in journals. I have to type because or else I can't keep up with myself. The thing with writing is that I can organize my thoughts and rearrange them to where they would make sense. With speaking on the other hand... well there is no backspace for my mouth. I'm scared of being seen as confusing, crazy, and not pleasant to be around because of this. This last one doesn't fall in any category, it's just kind of there tbh. Coming off as too positive: I have been told that I come off as positive and really confident by the way I carry myself and that I look like I have my life together. I have a weird relationship with coming off as positive. For a large chunk of my life I was angsty, depressed, and always ranting about something because being annoyed was basically my sense of humor. I had a group of friends but I thought that maybe I'd be more well liked if I was happy and bubbly. I don't know if I watched too much Charisma on Command the summer before college in order to reinvent myself or I read too many self help books talking about how people don't like being around negative people and how to be liked you have to be positive and upbeat. But when I eventually did get to a happier place in my life and I naturally came off as bubbly, I noticed that people still didn't like me and probably thought I was annoying for being a happy person. I'm afraid of coming off as a Tony Robbins sales person type of personality. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the the snake oil sales man type who acts happy and confident but it also looks really fake as if they are trying to craft this charismatic persona instead of being their normal self. I know positivity can be toxic and cold when it's not backed up with empathy but I am still pretty empathetic (though I might not be as warm....?idk man). I know people have told me that they found me intimidating when they talk to me. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Me being negative would be me being a downer no one likes but me being positive would be me being a deluded idiot who is happy all the time because there is this assumption that I'm not aware of the awful stuff in the world or someone who is on a different plane of existence because I have my life together. As a kid I got bullied for being happy, bubbly, and nice, and as a teenager I got criticized for being angsty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be socially normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And honestly, I don't know how much is me being hyper critical of myself because I went through a phase where I was weird and socially awkward in my early teen to preteen years (like many people) and this is me overcompensating, or how much of this is me cringing at myself because of my sense of self awareness and then how much of that self awareness is valid at the moment. I have talked about this with friends before and all of them tell me that I'm not awkward at all and if anything I come off as really socially competent. I think part of me still caries the self image of me from when I was 11-13 and socially awkward followed by when I was shy and quiet from 14-16.

Pandemic Angst I feel like I complain about the pandemic quite a bit in my journal. I'm pretty sure for most people I sound like I'm weak and I'm unable to cope and adapt with the changing times. Sometimes I think about the things I would ask my older self if I got a chance to talk to her. I go through this though exercise every now and then or so. I remember what I was like at 16, the things I was going through at the time, and the hopes and plans I had for the future. Back then when I was 16 I remember imagining what it would be like to have a conversation with my 21 year old self, where she would be in life, what kind of person she would have grown into, how she perceives the world. And now at 21, at the other side of the conversation, I can imagine that conversation being disheartening and me glossing over things so that 16 year old me would have some type of hope for the future. At 16 I remember diving into working on myself and understanding my childhood trauma. Whenever things would get unbearable I would think something along the lines of "hey I need to just get through 4 years of high school and then I'll be free. I can get the help I need, I can become who I'm meant to become, and I can do what I genuinely want to do." I worked really hard in school and I pushed away some of the experiences I guess a lot of my peers would be having, dating, parties, getting in trouble, doing fun crazy shit, things of that nature because in my mind I had a larger vision. I mean, we all know the real fun will happen in college. I can't say that I romanticized college. My expectations were simple. I was going to go to good school, study something I'm interested in, make some friends, have some fun experiences along the way, and then graduate. Or at the very least get out my parents' house and get help for the damage they caused. UHHHHH............. yeah 21 year old me didn't have most of that. Like I don't know how I would explain the pandemic to my 16 year old self in a way that wouldn't drive her to wanting to jump out of a plane without the parachute. First year and a half of my college experience was me piecing my life together after getting out of my parents' house. I knew damn well that I didn't turn out fine and that I needed to work on myself to have a foundation of being a stable, functioning adult. The very first day, before my classes even began, at 8 am I went to the health center to do whatever I needed to do in order to get free therapy sessions. The following 3 semesters where emotionally and physically taxing. I didn't have typical college experiences, nor did I have the time or energy to make friends. I thought my college experience was atypical but I had no idea how absurd it was going to turn into. The fourth semester however was when I finally started seeing some of the fruits of my labor. I began feeling like who I was meant to be and I'd say January -March 2020 were probably the happiest moments of my life. And then I moved back to the unhealthy environment I was raised in and while I didn't revert to who I was before I worked on myself, I acquired a whole new flavor of crazy because of everything that was happening. Everything is online. I live with my parents. I'm paying full price for a college experience I am not even having. And I'm in the constant state of existential crisis because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. On one hand, I feel like I haven't aged since this began. I still feel like a 19 year old who turned 20 a few months back. The fact that I can legally buy alcohol doesn't even register in my mind. I feel emotionally frozen in a sense especially because I'm in my childhood bedroom and back in my hometown. It also doesn't help that my parents still treat me like I'm 16. And finally, I haven't accumulated many life experiences that would make me grow, explore who I am as a person, and become more confident and independent. On the other hand, I feel like this forced me to skip over my youth. Again, I didn't experience much of it in high school because I made college to goal. I didn't get to experience it in year and a half of "normal" college I had. And I'm sure as hell not experiencing it now because I'm basically locked in my room all the time. I guess you could say that I am getting a lot of life experiences and I am growing and exploring who I am as a person through journaling, contemplating, and working through various things, but the life experiences in question are traumatic. In the last year, my family had financial issues, my parents are scared for their lives because they are at the at risk category, my mom's anxiety is on over drive and she takes it out on both me and my dad causing us to be more paranoid about the situation than I guess the normal person, we had our shit stolen and were scared of break ins, we didn't have a steady amount of income (thank god we had savings or else we would be struggling), I had my fair share of health issues and mental health problems so bad to where I ended up in the hospital and had to go to numerous doctors which would've caused us to be in debt if it weren't for our savings and insurance, and finally I'm taking a break from school. It's like my age has been frozen and interrupted at the same time. In the thought exercise, I imagine my 16 year old self asking me, my 21 year old self, if things got better, if I found healing, if I made myself a new life that fits me better than the old one. And I don't know how much of the truth I would tell her. 16 year old me hung on to the future hoping that if she worked hard now whether it was in school or on herself that she will have a much better life in the future. I don't know what I would tell her. I guess no not yet, I'll have to refer you to my 26 year old self because things are uncertain now. I have the same questions now about whether things will get better and I want to ask my 26 year old self. I know my 26 year old self is looking at me from her memories. I'm nervous. I hope to god she doesn't feel the same way I feel about what I would say to my 16 year old self when she looks at me. Also there are reports saying how this will go on til 2024. I saw a tiktok about a guy my age talking about how he is pissed on how rona basically stole his early 20s and then was like, you know what I'm going to subtract 4 years from my age when this is all over because time is a human construct anyway. Like, I know he is joking, but lowkey, I want to have the same mindset lol.