soos_mite_ah

@RendHeaven LMAOO I remember liking his work when I had to read things in English class. But I can't remember many details about him or any other person I had to read (wasn't Thoreau a transcendentalist?). They all mush together after a couple years of not reading them. I might not remember much but I do credit those classes for building up my critical thinking skills when it comes to analyzing different texts.

@modmyth @LastThursday All of you're words is really reassuring and overall makes me feel good inside. I read both of yalls journals as well, and I do enjoy them and get a lot from them. I started reading both of yalls journals before I started really being active in the journaling section on this forum so reading yall's comments just as me feeling like this SpongeBob meme for a lack of better way of putting it. Upon journaling here and journaling regularly, I started to notice just how much of a straight jacket the writing style I learned in school was for my personal writing style. I think the amount of structure and the particular way that my teachers expected me to write was beneficial in that it helped me be more organized in my thoughts but at some point it felt really limiting. In Texas, (not really sure about any of the other states) standardized testing especially for English class was a big deal mainly because test scores can impact how much funding schools can get and whether teachers were perceived to be doing their job. I could do a whole rant on this but when it comes to writing, it was reduced down to a formula in order to get the best test score. First sentence had to be your hook, second had to be a counter argument, third had to be your thesis that had 3 points. The body paragraphs each corresponded with the 3 points. You would have the first sentence introducing the point along with more detail, the second sentence was an example or quote as evidence, the third sentence was elaborating on what that evidence showed. You get the point on how structured the whole process was and if you deviated from that, your teacher would take points off and you're probably going to piss off the standardized test graders. The whole system of standardized tests is ridiculous and isn't the best way to gage whether schools are performing well. In my opinion, while it doesn't stress students out because testing is relatively easy, it puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on teachers to teach a subject a certain way in order to do well on a test so that they don't get fired instead of teaching a subject in a way that actually educates students. Thankfully in college the whole standardized testing thing wasn't there and my professors were much more lenient on how I can structure my papers so long as it makes sense and utilizes the course material. But in general academia does have its own set of standards and things that it prefers particularly when it comes to formality. I suppose because of that, sometimes I see the informality of my writing as either lazy or writing that isn't particularly good. Like when you had to sit through the likes of Charles Dickens, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, and other old white guys from the 1800s all through middle and high school, and then you get to college and the works Immanuel Kant shows up in at least one of your classes each semester, that shapes what is considered "good writing." And then, some people end up viewing "good writing" as something that is formal and has an air of inaccessibility whether it be because of the test of time making the style of writing seem confusing because no one talks like that anymore or simply due to the general bougieness of academia. I'm double majoring in international relations and management. So whenever I'm in my social science classes for my international relations major, I do have to encounter a lot of dense and sometimes confusing writing. These are the classes that I write my papers for. While I don't have a problem with writing papers for most of my classes when it comes to sociology, anthropology, and psychology, when I write for my history classes or my political science classes, I feel that that's when a lot of nitpicking happens because those classes expect more formality but that also depends on who I have as my professor. As for my business classes (mainly management and marketing), I have to do some writing but my professors are super lenient and just wants something that makes sense and is to the point. Sometimes it's almost informal to the point where in my mind I'm like "am I even writing something for a grade or am I just expressing my thoughts on a subject." @modmyth I really appreciate your comment on my writing style. Sometimes it's really helpful to have a different person make an assessment because I have my own biases. At times it can be difficult to step back and observe something because you're still in the middle of it. I think journaling has been a very important component for me finding my natural style of writing because it isn't filtered through "shit what will my professors take points off for." And as irritated I can be because of the way the pandemic derailed my plans I think the things that I have had the time to think and write about has been incredibly productive and illuminating when it comes to me figuring my life out. I always thought about take a break right after college to ~figure myself out~. I just never thought that the break would manifest in this way or that it would be in the middle of my college career. I wonder what all of this is pointing to down the line and I feel that wondering is all that I can do at this point because there is only so far I can look ahead at the moment.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeqYpFBM/ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeqYgBgJ/ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeqYgh9T/ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeqYpKwA/ I find this person's tiktoks really entertaining because it's like watching what would happen if my 21 year old self met my 17 year old self (especially in the first link) 17 year old me is Alexa 21 year old me is Skye I'm pretty sure that if 17 year old me knew where I am right now she'd hate me, be angry, and be super disappointed lol. Ok but in this one, I'm still alexa. I havent made the transition yet lmao https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeq21R9E/

Honestly, if anyone has any life purpose ideas by reading my entries, don't be shy help a girl out

Nothing New Here So I was reading Atomic Habits by James Clear because I kept hearing people talk about how amazing the book is. I finished reading it and I agree, it is a good book. But unfortunately, I don't feel like I got much from it. Most of the information that was in the book were mainly conclusions that I came to all by myself through contemplation, journaling, and self observation combined with my interpretations of teachings that I got from other teachers and how I tied it back to habit creation. Basically, the book was everything that I knew and discovered for myself by me overthinking and overanalyzing repackaged into less than 300 pages. While this book is insightful and people rave about how much it helped them, for me personally, there was nothing new here. I have had similar experiences when watching/listening/ or reading the works of other teachers. That includes school as well. When I got to college, during my freshman year I took a couple classes on anthropology and sociology. A lot of the content came really naturally to me to where I barely had to study the subjects and what I was learning essentially felt like common sense. It wasn't because I took those classes or read books about the subjects before. It was more along the lines that I thought about similar subjects before naturally in my free time as I grew up. Because of my background I had to learn about different cultures and how to navigate different situations from a young age. I was also really curious about why people did what they did and as a result I built up the skills of analyzing and empathizing in a way that enabled me to get the answers that I wanted. Those classes felt very natural to me because the mode of thinking that those classes require or build is the mode of thinking that I operated in for years prior to me stepping foot on campus. I will admit, I feel rather self conscious typing this out. I feel like so far in this post I have done nothing but brag about how I already know things. But those instances felt really humbling. Like, hey you're not the only one thinking this way, you're not some type of superhuman insight/analysis god, people have already discovered whatever you're thinking about, you're not special. There's nothing new here. I know that sounds rather demoralizing but I can have a bit of a spiritual ego at times so it's sometimes necessary lol. I look back at some of the stuff that 14 year old me wrote and came up with and I swear to god I remember her thinking she was being ~~**so deep**~~ (not to shame 14 year old me, it's natural to be fake deep at that age because your emotional depth perception is starting to develop and as a result even the littlest thing seems like a metaphor. That's a post for a different time lol.) But there is a part of me that likes feeling special and insightful and that part of me sometimes takes those experiences in a demoralizing light. It manifests as a reluctance to share my thoughts and findings. There is a part of me that desires to come up with something original and groundbreaking. And sometimes when I encounter such experiences, I catch myself thinking along the lines of *hey I'm not discovering anything new, I guess everything that can be known has already been known.* I know just how delusional that sounds but that's the illusion that my mind encounters. It's like you're all excited about something being new and original only to find out that it has been done already. There's nothing new here. Or worse, sometimes these instances build me up more. It's like *Hey I got to these conclusions by my own devices without spending a shit ton of time on research like the professionals had to. Surely that indicates something like natural talent!!* And then my ego swells up. As I was reading Atomic Habits, somewhere in the middle my mind was like *you know what, I could've probably written this book given the insights I had and wrote down in like 5 journal entries. I wonder how many self help books I could write based on my life experience thus far based on the sheer amount I already write.* But then the self doubt kicks in and is like *ok but even if you did write a book, you wouldn't be contributing anything new or revolutionary so what's the point? Don't kid yourself.* And then there is this part of me that is like *OMFG FINALLY SOMEONE WHO THINKS ALONG THE SAME WAVE LENGTH AS ME!* It's this feeling of having my inner thoughts and ideas that I accumulated through experience and contemplation finally being seen and recognized. It also gives me a sense of reassurance. Like hey, maybe I'm not insane or seeing patterns that aren't there because I was overanalyzing a situation. Look, science and research backs up my point of view. I'm not crazy, there's nothing new here. This whole thing is such a weird dynamic for me to where I don't even know how to detangle it. Tbh, I feel like I'm not even making any sense. I've been dealing with this weird feeling of deja vu when I notice lessons I learn from a book or in university line up with an existential crisis I had months or years prior that led me to the same conclusion. I've been dealing with this since like 2018 mainly. There's nothing new here.

Upon reading the comments and contemplating this a little more I guess a lot of whether you dislike negative people or you dislike positive people can manifest as distrust, ingenuine, or uncomfortable because of the perception that the other person has a different view on reality compared to you. And that can call your own view into question which again can be uncomfortable or you might label the other person as deluded because, hey your reality has to be real because it feel real to you. A lot of it has to do with not resonating I guess given that there is authenticity involved. I dealt with this before. It can be rather annoying and borderline gaslighting, like your truth and your expression is fake. That's in general not relating to positivity tbh. Yeah if it isn't natural to you, forcing it won't make things better. Also speaking of Mormanism, idk if it's just me but sometimes with really religious white people (when I mean really religious I mean occasionally bringing up bible quotes in a conversation and going to youth group and church like 2-3 times a week), have this positivity about them that is borderline creepy to where it's like they're in the sunken place. And I say this as someone who can be pretty bubbly at times. Idk, maybe it's me being a person of color and knowing how exclusionary and sometimes dangerous conservative "Christian" values can be when it comes to people in the religious right (btw I live in Texas so I've encountered a lot of people like this). I like that you brought up dimensionality. From what I've seen, I feel like an overly one dimensional presentation can feel deceptive because then it's like *what is this person hiding, surely this can't be it* but at the same time to other people who resonate with that presentation they might see that one dimensional presentation as more authentic because of consistency (i.e. Trump supporters who think Trump is the realist politician there is). People who have multiple dimensions can come across as more authentic because there are multiple sides to them that they share or it can come from an integrated place. But at the same time, for people who don't resonate with that presentation, that multi dimensionality can seem duplicitous and deceptive.

By positive people I mean people who are generally upbeat, try to present the best version of themselves, when they talk about their problems they also try to talk about what they learned when handling said problem or how they are handling it, is warm, and friendly and bubbly when you first meet them. Is it because these people seem fake or out of touch with the awful stuff in the world and as a result come off as cold/ detached? Is it because people mainly don't mesh with that type of energy because of where they're at? Is it because they seem deluded and stupid? Those are somethings that I've heard from other source.

@RendHeaven It's just something that I observed and experienced at certain times of my life. I noticed that a lot of people talk trash about positive people and think they are annoying or they look at positive people like they are insane.

What does positivity have to do with femininity lol Also I'm seeing a lot of comments on how positivity can come off as fake. But I have met people who were positive and it came from a place of authenticity and people still thought they were fake. So how does that work? Does it then come back to the relatability aspect because what we feel we relate to is what we feel to be more real?

Also random thought I had while writing about my childhood experience with journaling. I swear to god that there was a trope in the early 2000s media that was geared towards young girls where the main character would have a diary of sorts and would start the page with a cliché "dEAr DiArY" and then talk about the drama they encountered at school or about some guy they liked. I swear this isn't some type of fever dream I made up and that this was an actual thing that I would see in TV shows and movies. As I was writing that part in my post, I was cringing at that idea. "Dear Diary" is so cliché and basic and headass. I don't know why this phrase bothers me so much lol.

Journaling Habits and Writing Style This journal as a whole is mainly a release for me so that I can get anything that I'm thinking of out of my system so that I can see it in a more objective light. It also helps me process whatever feelings and events that are coming up so as a result not only is this a release, it's also a way that I can conduct myself. Ever since I started this journal, I found that I journal and reflect more often and that has been incredibly helpful for me. I really like the way that I can format my entries on here specifically how I can quote previous posts and link youtube videos that I found sparked joy or gave me a lot of insights with what I'm dealing with. I guess initially there was a part of me that liked to have an audience. In the first couple months of me starting this journal, I would check how many times my journal got viewed. I don't really do that anymore but I guess the feeling of being seen and having people comment was motivating. Before this journal I had this thing I did where I had a finsta where I would post memes along with post a tiny paragraph of how my week went, something funny that happened to me recently, or just a mood in the caption. It was mainly for my close friends just to keep in touch but I found that much more rewarding than my regular Instagram account. I've since deleted that account and I found myself leaning towards journaling on here more because although I like memes, the writing portion of it was more rewarding for me. Even before me having any type of social media, I remember when I was around 5-7 years old, I wanted to have a diary or journal because I kept seeing people on TV have one. It would usually be some trope of a character writing in a diary but then having their sibling read that journal and then that character getting pissed off. I remember at the time I liked the idea of pouring out my emotions and thoughts and seeing something insightful out of it but I didn't like the idea of keeping it a secret. I have this memory from when I was 6 and I tried to start diary and then I went around trying to share it with people and I had a kid be like "isn't the whole point of a diary for you to not go around sharing things" and that straight up turned me off from journaling for like a decade because I was like "well I guess it doesn't resonate with me." But then around 16 I eventually got to a point where I had way too many thoughts and it felt like it was too much to process it all in my head and instead I need to have all of my thoughts out in front of me or else my head was going to explode because of my existential crisis. And thus my journaling habit was born. I think the reason why I was able to consistently write things on my finsta and why I'm able to consistently journal here is because I like the idea of having a public diary. I like being able to connect to others through it and see whenever someone either resonates with something I wrote or finds some type of insight that was really helpful to them. Growing up I also entertained the idea of being a writer. I really started thinking more about it recently because of the sheer amount of stuff that I write down. I remember once in 2019, I took all of the documents in my computer that consisted of my journal entries and then copied and pasted to a single word document and it turned out to be like 200 pages single spaced. This was along the course of journaling for 3 years. In that moment, I was shocked by how much I wrote because I wasn't intending on writing so much. I thought I was writing sporadically in order to release and analyze my thoughts. I didn't realize how much of a habit it was for me. It also got me thinking *damn I guess I could write a book.* But then my sense of doubt came back. I guess when I thought about writing seriously, I mainly thought about something along the lines of writing fiction, so things along the lines of writing novels, screenwriting for shows, etc. And I quickly realized that I don't have that type of imagination. At first I thought this was resistance as in, I need to buckle down and learn how to write in an artistic way filled with imagery, metaphors, and other literally devices. But upon journaling here for 9 months consistently, I'm starting to revaluate that sentiment. I don't think that my voice in writing is this flowery piece of literature. Even when it comes to me reading books or watching TV or movies, it's almost never fiction. That's not to say that I have some type of resistance towards it or that I don't see the value of fiction, but it's not something that I find myself drawn to. The media that I consume is much more analysis oriented. I mention media consumption in this because a lot of creatives find their voice, their style, and their inspiration from the work of other creatives. Hell, I find myself much more in a flow state when I'm writing papers for school about something that I'm interested in than when it comes to writing fiction. My mind just draws the biggest blank when I try to make up a story. And I don't think it's wise for me to force something that doesn't resonate with me in the first place. That said, I'm pretty sure that I can polish up my writing more. I write these journal entries often in a rush because my mind works much faster than my ability to type so as a result I often make typing errors and phrase things weirdly in a way that doesn't make as much sense or could have been more concise. But I'm not trying to submit these journal entries anywhere and it's mainly for my personal development so in my eyes, as long as I can make sense of it and not cringe, I'm fine with it for now. This is a very informal place for me. But the reason why I'm evaluating my journaling habits and my writing style is because I think it can be connected to my life purpose. Most of the meaningful flow experiences I've had in the last 5 years or so has to do with me contemplating/meditating, me writing, me connecting to people, and me researching whatever the fuck struck my interest at the moment. Again, there is this sense of hesitation that comes up as I'm writing this, especially as I wrote the previous paragraph, There is a part of me that can't take myself seriously as a writer whether that be in a fictional creative sense or in a research oriented analytical sense. I think part of it comes form me not fitting this mold of what is considered "good writing." It's why I would be hesitant with sharing anything I wrote in this journal to people I know in real life. I write my thoughts raw as they come up in my head. Sometimes that looks like a bullet pointed list and sometimes it's a stream of consciousness. I feel like I don't have much of a consistency when it comes to how I express myself and that can cause people to get confused. And as someone who wants to connect, empathize, and give out content that helps people, confusion isn't exactly an ingredient I think of in the mix because it usually indicates a lack of connection whether it be a message not resonating or ideas not flowing together properly. And then finally, the last thing that I'm insecure about in my writing is how most of the time I don't have a formal introductory paragraph (unless it's something academic) and I never have a concluding paragraph (even in academic papers tbh). I just stop writing about a subject whenever I feel like I said everything that I had to say. This goes back to the whole thing about what's considered "good writing." And in my opinion, my journal entries here aren't good writing and therefore part of me is nervous about sharing this with people in real life.

Also, when it comes to the Noah Elkrief's videos that I included earlier, I think I integrated most of the messages in all of the videos except for the one on social anxiety and anger.

To Do List 5/3/2021 Address your social anxiety Deal with your issues around competence specifically how it makes you feel like you have to be on guard all the time and that you can't trust people (especially men and authority figures): Unpacking this in therapy Deal with your shame around being cringeworthy and awkward: Bought a bunch of books on this topic and have journaled about this so I know what I'm working with Deal with your spiritual ego and overthinking/ hyper analyzing by continuing your break from deeper content: Taking a break from deep content, visiting more basic forms of self help, focusing on just being, letting loose, and being gentle with myself has all helped with this. Make it a point to acknowledge how far you've come by being gentle with yourself: Journaled about this and also bought a book to help me with this process Update your self image: Journaled about this and bought a book Address your issues with oversharing Address your issues with your dismissive avoidant attachment style Life Purpose: Revisit the following things from the life purpose course and really work through them Life Purpose Exercise #1 (16:34) (58) Life Purpose Exercise #2 (11:00) (59) Going From Abstract To Concrete (31:43) (77) Finding Your Niche (34:08) (83) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Action Items to consider in the future regarding social anxiety (these aren't numbered because they aren't part of the to do list) Build your social life Make friends and get into a short term relationship Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy) Action Items to consider in the future regarding life purpose (again not numbered but just things to keep in mind and consider long term) Burn through superficial desires and experience life (travel, relationships, parties etc.): Address a lot of this by working through your social anxiety Deal with fears and limiting belief: I think this is an on going process that gets revealed over time with different life experiences and contemplation. Good thing I have a journaling habit and a meditation habit. Financial independence: Long term goal that I need to eventually reach in the next couple years.

Things to Carry Over from the Original To Do List I crossed of a number of things in my last post and I feel like I'm in a place to create a new list. But before I do that, since the last post is messy, I thought I'd clean it up a little to know what things I need to carry over. The Original To Do List I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around 75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items) , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal. I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm ~~~***manifesting***~~~ Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school. Deal with social anxiety Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: Bought a bunch of books, need to read through, reflect, and update my self image. Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID Deal with spiritual ego Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing: Taking a break from deep content, visiting more basic forms of self help, focusing on just being, letting loose, and being gentle with myself has all helped with this. I think that I've done pretty well. I originally started out with 35 items and now I have 10 left meaning I completed 25 items. While I originally said that I was going to make a list when I finish 27 items, there are somethings on this list that I can't get to right a way because I'm stuck in the house therefore I'm giving myself some wiggle room for that. Now on to the New To Do List

I found this video a couple days ago and it brought me so much comfort and reassurance. I feel that it also relates to the previous post.

Actually Acknowledging My Progress I'm always hesitant to acknowledge my progress because I am skeptical of anything I do since I know how much of a problem self deception can be. Earlier in the previous page, I did a post called 9 Stages of Ego Development: Where Am I? and after posting that in this journal, I felt as if I was tooting my own horn. I think part of it is because I have seen people have a misunderstanding of where they're actually at and I don't want to be part of the dick measuring contest. So as a result, I think I take it too far to where I invalidate my own growth. That isn't healthy which I have talked about earlier. Basically, me trying to avoid one self deception trap caused me to fall into another trap lol. I think it's also difficult to acknowledge my progress because sometimes I do inner work but it doesn't externally manifest right away. I think me living with my parents and being subjected to similar surroundings is a perfect example of this. I've been working on myself, sorting all types of issues out, being really proactive in therapy, and journaling. But my parents just see me on my computer to myself, without friends or a career lined up. The wins that I'm having aren't tangible things that I can show off on say social media. I feel like a lot of the progress I'm making is underground and it goes unnoticed and then, I will admit I do doubt myself because I'm not the most confident person. It's like people don't see my progress, they accuse me of being lazy and not making any progress, and then that makes me feel crazy for acknowledging my own progress. I feel gaslighted in a way. And I don't really blame other people because they are just going off of what they see and what they know. They aren't going to know about my inner workings unless I tell them or unless they read my journals which I'm not exactly open to for a variety of reasons. I have talked about this in a different post in this journal. I think another factor in me wanting to have tangible proof of my growth is to feel a sense of validity. My ego wants to feel safe in the process, like all my efforts are eventually going to pay off and that I'll be fine. It isn't very good at surrendering and trusting the process and always feeling at peace that I am growing even though all of it hasn't been manifested yet. And back to the whole point of similar surroundings, I have explored that concept and how that solidifies an outdated self image in that I'm growing but my perception of myself hasn't caught up yet. Then I think there is the whole "why should be praise you for what you're supposed to do" attitude that my parents had with me growing. Even though I was a good kid and I got good grades, my parent's never acknowledged that because those things weren't special or worthy of praise, they were something you were just supposed to do. I think that impacted the way I treat my own wins and signs of growth. I look at them and I'm like "yeah I'm supposed to do that, it's nothing to be celebrated." I remember when it came to my high school graduation party, my parents had to force me to celebrate. I didn't want to for a variety of reasons at the time one of which because I didn't think this was worth celebrating. For the entire party, I was just cringing at myself because I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it. I think cringing is how I feel about celebrating any milestone tbh. It feels really unnatural for me and it annoys me to an extent when people expect me to throw a party when I don't really want to. I don't feel this way about other people even celebrating my birthday is kinda cringe for me personally because I don't see the point in celebrating if I haven't done anything special or remarkable. And knowing how critical I can be of myself, I don't even know how big an achievement or a sign of growth has to be for me to see it as special, remarkable, worthy of noting, and worthy of celebrating. I have been talking a lot about me being gentle with myself to balance out how critical I tend to be with myself. And after considering everything I talked about in this post and in previous posts, I think an essential part of me taking strides towards self acceptance and self love is celebrating myself for small things, big things, everything in between, or just existing and being alive for another year. I'm doing this affirmation recently that is along the lines of "I'm inherently worthy of love" and I think that ties in well with what I've been writing lately.

My Thoughts on the 9 Stages of Ego Development Like many people on this forum, I believe that Cook-Greuter's Ego Development Theory (EDT) is a better model for evaluating individual growth while SD is better for collective growth. I will admit that I have an attachment to SD because I have had more time to toy around with the model and therefore I think it's a good way to get a rough idea about where and how I think I need to grow. I revisit the videos on stage orange, green and yellow like once or maybe twice a year to gage where I'm at and how much of each video resonates with me and my writing. But upon revisiting EDT, I think I'm going to use this one more because of how detailed it is for an individual ego. I revisited it recently after roughly 6 months after Leo's video on it came out and between now and then I think that the goals and takeaways I got from EDT helped me a lot in understanding how I can grow. To me EDT maps out the existential crisis I have had over the years in GREAT detail. As I was taking notes on the paper this time around, I was recalling different memories from my childhood as it relates to the stage descriptions on the cognitive, emotional, and social level. The paper even goes into the types of language one is likely to use in each stage when it comes to discussing their thoughts and emotions. That's how detailed this is. And I think because of how detailed it is and how individual focused it is (compared to SD which is much better at mapping out collective groups and ideologies), it's difficult to peg people and generalize on a whim or kneejerk reaction. Tbh, given the details especially on how it can coincide with personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings, the only person who can know where you stand is you imo. Figuring out someone's ego development using EDT isn't as clear cut as SD since in EDT it is very common to span across 3 or more levels and have hand ups in each one of them. I think that's why people don't use EDT nearly as much whenever a dick measuring contest happens between different spiritual egos on this forum. But the obvious con of this is taking the time to understand the model and contemplate it to where you can easily discuss it with other people. This is also one of my favorite quotes I found: It's pretty basic imo. They cover the same key points that you'll find in the Actualized series but in less detail. They also didn't address non-linear spiral progress problem, the illusion of "predicting the future" and how relativity breaks the spiral model both in micro and macro view. (I've yet to see someone talking about those issues in depth...) It's a good summary if you're into the SD and need a refresher from someone other than Leo. However I'd recommend you moving on to Cook-Greuter Ego Development model instead - you'll get more out of it and you won't risk the trap of becoming one of the Six Crayons Gang members here that will dwarf your development. SIX CRAYONS GANG MEMBERS LMAOOOOOOOOOO

My Thoughts on Spiral Dynamics I think Spiral Dynamics is an amazing model that can aid in understand where you are at in your own personal development but also gage why certain viewpoints and discourses unravel the way they do. I remember when I first found SD in around mid 2018, after watching the whole series, I was like *holy shit, life makes more sense.* Like a lot of the ways I grew as a person, a lot of my existential crisis, they all followed this pattern. Over time it also helped me differentiate between periods of growth, when and why I was backsliding, and what I can work on, or areas of my life re-examine more in order to make it healthier and more efficient so that I can become a more well rounded person with better critical thinking skills. I got a lot of value out of this model in my personal life. When it comes to evaluating other people, I found myself being able to be more compassionate and more understanding towards people that I disagreed with. In 2018, I'd say that I was pretty green but I went to college that was politically and socially conservative and most people there ranged between blue and orange. There weren't many green people which is an anomaly for college campuses. Initially, my gut reaction was to argue and push back against the conservatives at my school but SD helped me take what was being said less personally and helped me evaluate why they were they way they were. Not only did this help my mental health because I didn't have my butt cheeks clenched the whole time, but it helped me be more empathetic and less divisive. Finally, when it came to my course work, this was where I couldn't un-see SD. I can list so many examples of this ranging from my business classes to my sociology classes. In my political science class, I remember once we were talking about how before capitalism there was mercantilism in the middle ages where people did jobs according to what their family lineage was and they were serfs under kings and warlords. The transition from that to capitalism along with the thought leaders who evaluated this process made so much more sense when you looked at the process as the global political economy shifting from stage blue into stage orange. In my South Asian human rights class, we had to watch this documentary about the ideals of femininity in different parts of India. Firstly we have this idea of femininity that has its roots from western media and is very consumerist and is concentrated in the cities. This form of femininity is explored by looking at pageants in India. The other form of felinity comes from a traditional religious fundamentalist framework. Both forms of felinity are explored in the documentary and as class we had to dissect the historical and social roots of each phenomenon by looking at how colonialism plays a role, how religious discrimination plays a role, and how western ideals caused a backlash from the religious people but also how it doesn't free people who subscribe to those ideals because something isn't inherently right or progressive just because it's from the west. From and SD perspective, the documentary is evaluating the circumstance from a stage green/ yellow POV and is contrasting stage blue and orange ideal of femininity, how each set of ideals can be both empowering and disempowering in different contexts as well as the parallels that exist between the two ideals. SD has helped me a lot in my studies and understanding concepts deeper. SD is I think one of the main reasons why I joined this forum. Again, I couldn't un-see it and even though it aided in me understanding the world and providing insight in various discussions both in and out of the classroom, I couldn't just introduce SD because it takes so long to unpack in an accurate way and because it can easily be interpreted and used for bad faith arguments. I joined this forum because I was really into SD and I wanted to talk about it with other people who were familiar with it as well. Other than SD taking a long time to understand, one of the main draw backs is the natural hierarchy of the spiral and how some stages are more developed than others. There isn't anything wrong with it inherently but I feel that people who don't have a good grasp of stage green, where you break down man made hiearchies, and probably have a lot of orange and blue in their system, they can turn SD in a spiritual dick measuring contest or worst case scenario a case for eugenics. I don't think I need to explain the dick measuring contest since I'm pretty sure you can find that in this forum of some people being dismissive towards others or people thinking they are *sooooo conscious* because they built up a spiritual ego (I admit I do find myself dipping into that as well sometimes, I'm working on that lol). But when it comes to eugenics, that's my main concern if SD were to ever become mainstream. Things like colonialism has disrupted the SD development of certain places of the world. The displacement of tribes in the Middle East have to do with why there is so much infighting and so much stage red and purple there. The way colonialism impacted India I believe has kept much of the country more in stage blue than if they were to develop normally through time without Europe stealing their wealth and institutionally messing things up for 200 years. A lot of less developed parts of the world aren't inherently less economically, politically, or consciously developed because those areas have people of color but they are that way because of the way history played out and the way that developed countries exploited the rest of the world for their personal gain. But with SD, given the hierarchy and the incorrect assumption that the higher stages are "better," we risk painting POC as savages and less civilized. You aren't savage or less civilized for being at a lower stage but I can see people misconstruing this if they already have biases against POC. Before natural hierarchies come up, the man made ones need to be fully dismantled or else there is a huge risk of the two blending together to create a racist cluster fuck. Like the dick measuring contests that happen in this forum, SD can be used as a way to shut down empathy because the person talking is seen as less developed and therefore less than.

Fatphobia in the 2000s So just to get it out of my system, I thought I'd journal about fatphobia in the 2000s as I remember it from my childhood. The ideal back then wasn't "thicc" or having a butt. It was the opposite where you had to shrink you ass and be really skinny or else you were deemed as fat, even if you look fine. Looking back at it, we can tell people were taking it to the extreme, but back then it was the norm. I think it was even more normalized for me because I was a child at this time and I didn't have much of a frame of reference. Now I'm seeing a lot of people on TikTok talking about how the standards of the 2000s collectively messed with a lot of people and gave them body image issues. The things that I see a lot on TikTok are people talking about the following images and the amount of backlash they got from the media at the time: Tyra, Britany, and Jessica all look like normal healthy human beings in these pictures. First of all Tyra looks like she's relaxed and minding her own business because she isn't posed or photoshopped. Britany still looks fairly skinny, she just got caught at the wrong time and she looks like she ate like a normal person that day. Naturally even if you are skinny and/or have abs or a flat stomach, it's normal to look different in the morning vs at night because of what you do throughout the day. Jessica, honestly looks amazing by today's standard of beauty even if the camera is in a slightly weird angle. But I remember back in the 2000s, people were losing their god damn minds about these images and were talking about how fat they got, how the let themselves go etc. I remember back then not thinking they were fat but definitely thinking they were overweight like there was something wrong with them (mind you I was literally like 7 at this time). But now I'm like THEY LITERALLY LOOK LIKE NORMAL HEALTHY PEOPLE. Also, I'm pretty sure these women have had kids at this point so it's normal for your body. Most people aren't going to bounce back and look exactly like they did when they were in their late teens-early 20s and that is perfectly fine. It isn't some type of moral failing. (That's another thing that bothers me about celebrity culture is that whenever someone has a kid, it's like there is this count down and expectation to drastically lose all the weight and look the way they did before they got pregnant. Like pregnancy, being a mom, and taking care of a kid and your changing body is a whole thing, there are bigger things to worry about than losing all the weight. The fact that a person's body brought life into this earth is a beautiful thing and a very intelligent process and for people to reduce that body down to how it measures up to current beauty standards is messed up IMO). This stuff wasn't exempt from kids shows either from what I remember. Both Harper from Wizards of Waverly place and Trina from Victorious were framed like the fat character. The way that their characters were written were like they were the quirky funny fat best friend to the side character. I remember people poking fun about their weight in the show as well like I think a couple times. I completely forgot about all this but again because of TikTok, I searched up images and part of me was like *I swear they were thicker* because that's how I remembered them. Now looking at them, compared to the main character, they were a little wider but like, not by that much. It's not even a weight thing, it's just their overall body structure and hell their face. Both Harper and Trina look relatively thin. They still look like normal skinny healthy people and so do their co stars. I'm not shaming Selena Gomez or Victoria Justice for being skinny. Selena was literally like 14 and Victoria Justice was always naturally really skinny even back in her Zoey 101 days when she was like 12. My point is that no one was fat and even if some people leaned skinny, everyone was normal but the media exaggerated all of this so much back then because of the standards of that time. Plus I'm pretty sure they were all minors in these pictures and yeah that makes the media exaggerations much more gross. I always feel bad for women who are in the public eye who get their appearance picked apart, especially when they are minors. I know this isn't anything new or something that only happened in the 2000s but at least now we have something like body positivity adding something to the conversation and to people's perceptions. I guess for me looking back all of this feel more jarring because of how the standard of the ideal body did a 180 from really thin and tall to looking like the Kardashians as well as people talking about body positivity and looking at other indicators of health other than weight along. I think things like body positivity still has a long way to go. Honestly, I haven't met many people, men or women, who doesn't have some type of issue with their bodies. It's so wide spread that it can't be some isolated individual problem. I've had to unpack and chip away at a lot of limiting thoughts I had about my own body and how I judge others over the years. I could honestly go on about this all day.

The Necessity of Acknowledging Progress Today I went out for a drive just to get out of the house and I drove into a McDonalds because something really random hit me. I was like *you know what, I haven't had a McChicken in a while, let me get one because why tf not.* I'm not a fast food and the only thing that I normally get from McDonalds is either a salad or smoothie. But I was thinking something along the lines of when was the last time I even had a chicken sandwich for them. It must have been at least 7 years or so. I got the McChicken and I took a bite. It wasn't bad but I don't think I want to have another one in a while. It was just really plain and kinda flavorless in my opinion. But it brought back some nostalgia because I remember from like ages 7-10 or so, I phase where I thought chicken sandwiches were like the best thing in the world. It reminded me on what my diet was like when I was in elementary school. Elementary school was the time that I had the worst eating habits in terms of how healthy the food I was eating was. It wasn't atrocious, definitely far from the standard American diet, but it is really different from what I eat on a regular basis now. For breakfast back then I would have some cereal, but nothing too sugary unless it was the weekend. It would normally be like sugar free raisin bran because my parents have issues with high blood sugar and buying like 3 types of cereal was an inconvenience. I would save some Froot Loops for the weekend because not having it everyday made it feel special to me lol. For lunch, I had whatever was at school. That's where a lot of my junk food habits came up because it's not like I ever had that type of thing at home. And then at home, I would have whatever Indian food my mom would make from scratch. Looking back at old pictures, I wasn't fat but I was a little squishier than a lot of the other kids. I got made fun of because of that and the fact that I have literally no upper body strength and because I was a really slow runner, a lot of the kids were like *you're really fat and unfit* and basically I was always the last one picked at any game. Definitely messed with my self esteem at the time. Fast forward like a decade and I still don't have much upper body strength, I hate how cardio physically makes me feel, but now I know that I have a lot of lower body strength. Part of the reason why I appeared squishier was mainly because of my height. I was always short and I guess my weight didn't really distribute like the other kids who were like 4-5 inches taller than me at the time. According to my doctor, I remember this really specifically because my mom always bothered me about it, I was always shorter than average and a little overweight. My doctor would basically give me the same lecture on how I probably eat too much and how I need to be more mindful about portion sizes and stop eating candy, even though I never had a problem with either of those things. At 10 I was around 80lbs and 4'6" (my mom would measure me weekly and criticize me for my weight) which would put my BMI at 19.5 but even though that is technically in the normal range (hell in the lower part of normal), it was higher than I guess the 50th percentile for my age so that's why my doctor was nitpicky. But I definitely wasn't obese. It was always like "you're 3 inches too short of what you're supposed to be and you need to lose like 10-15 lbs on top of that." I just had a lot of people around me overreacting and doing the absolute most. The fact that this was like 2009 is also a factor but Imma talk about that in another post because there is just a lot of unpack there. And yeah..... all that messed with my self image. Things like that always made me feel like I literally didn't measure up and that there was something wrong with me and it was my fault even though it was mostly genetics. The best part of turning 15 or so when I basically stopped growing is that I stopped having doctors tell me that I'm supposed to be taller to be considered average. I'm 5'2' and I believe that the average is 5'4" or 5'5" so yeah, I'm still 2-3 inches shorter than "what I'm supposed to be." I still have to deal with people criticizing my weight though because according to the BMI I am a little overweight even though I'm still relatively small and I couldn't get smaller unless I did something drastic. Over the years I cleaned up my diet even more, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for messed up ones because I was insecure about the way I looked. In middle school and high school, I started packing my own lunch mainly because I didn't like the food at the school I switched to so as a result I naturally made healthier lunches for myself based on what was already in the house. It was always something along the lines of noodles with chicken and vegetables with some fruit, or a wrap I made with grilled chicken and vegetables with some carrots on the side, or maybe a salad and some fruit. For dinner it was basically the same. I would snack a little after school with usually some crackers, popcorn, or like one of those mini packs of chips. So overall, not too bad. Like the snacks weren't the best but it wasn't like I was binging on junk food. The worst habit I developed in this time was skipping breakfast. Part of it was me wanting to sleep in more before school but another part of it was because I wanted to cut calories and I didn't know what else to cut. I did go through phases of elimination diets but none of them were sustainable for more than 2 weeks and obviously I shamed myself for "lacking discipline" even though it was literally my body telling me to eat, not because I was a fat pig, but because I was hungry and rightfully so. I didn't realize that I already ate pretty healthy until recently I had to make a couple changes to my diet for health reasons. I just had to cut out gluten, dairy, and some sugar from my diet. I know that might sound like a lot, but it wasn't super difficult because I didn't have much of those in my diet in the first place. I just had to switch the milk in my smoothie with almond milk, get gluten free bread and lentil pasta, and eat dark chocolate. I also kept a food diary and I had surprising insights about my own habits. Normally when I hear people talking about keeping a food diary, I always hear something along the lines of "I didn't know how bad I ate on a regular basis" and that did happen to me initially but then I realized that *no I actually eat pretty well, if anything I have a tendency of being nitpicky mainly because of the way my mom treated me when I would reach for something even slightly less than ideal.* Anyway, dramatic detailed backstory aside, let's get back to the McChicken. The McChicken reminded me of the self image I made up at the time while me not liking it that much indicated how much my taste buds have actually changed. The reason why my tastes changing is important is because I noticed that whenever I change my diet, my taste buds get acclimated to healthier foods and as a result junk food just loses its appeal. But even though my habits and my body has changed, my self image never did. There is still a part of me that feels like I eat super unhealthy, that I need to lose weight, and that I need to be skinnier to compensate for how short I am. As a result, I never acknowledged the healthy habits I did implement because I was so caught up with thinking that I'm not doing enough because I don't look like the poster child of health which includes being really skinny and having a flat stomach. I was blinded by my own stagnant self image which caused me to go to extremes when it comes to eating healthy and caused me to beat myself up if I slightly deviated from what I intended on doing. It still doesn't help that my mom critiques me from being too short and too fat or that doctors always tell me to lose weight during yearly check ups. I've changed, but the critiques remained constant which further solidified my stagnant self image. To tie it in with broader self development as a whole, it's important to acknowledge how far you've come so that you can alter what you do to improve yourself accordingly. Like constantly criticizing yourself and implementing greater measures for something even though you've already dealt with it just because your self image hasn't caught up to where you actually are right now, is a recipe of doing the most to where it gets unhealthy. When it comes to food, critiquing your diet and going to extreme measures because your self image hasn't caught up resulted in a lot of neurotic behavior for me. I guess when it comes to unpacking the ego like a lot of people do here, I think I had a similar dynamic unfold. I didn't have a super big ego that I needed to dismantle to humble myself and have a more accurate perception of reality. Sure there was room for improvement and I have made those improvements but I started taking more extreme measures to where I got attached to detaching. While the teachings weren't unhealthy, I was using it in an unhealthy way and misconstrued it because I underestimated my growth and saw myself as this egotistical devil of sorts. Taking a break from I guess consciousness work and acknowledging how far I've come has been so beneficial for me in having a more solid sense of identity in a healthy and constructive way as well as I believe having a more accurate perception of myself. And finally, I think the same can be said about my social skills. I was a weird and kinda socially awkward 12 year old, naturally like many 12 year olds. Even though I've naturally come a long way in my social skills to the point it wouldn't cross many people's minds to call me awkward, partly because of age and natural maturation and partly because of me working on myself, I still see myself as the socially awkward 12 year old because my self image never caught up. With this particularly, I think it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts because then it causes me to nitpick on the way I talk and carry myself when I don't need to which causes me to have this sense of social anxiety. So yeah, acknowledging your progress isn't always egotistical. It's sometimes necessary to do so in order to know the correct course of action depending on where you are at now, not ruminate on a problem that has already been solved or to not take a solution that helped at one point and basically make it an over kill. Acknowledging my progress has been so important for me when it comes to learning to be more gentle with myself and cultivating more self acceptance.

9 Stages of Ego Development: Where Am I Now? I journaled about this topic around the time when Leo first came out with these videos. I decided to revisit them to see where I'm at now since I did work through a lot of things between September 2020 and now. Normally people span 3 or more stages with having one stage as their center of gravity. Sometimes they slip back to previous stages when they are under stress and emotional distress and sometimes they intellectually understand the higher stages but don't fully embody them yet. At September, I mainly was a mix of the Pluralist and the Strategist with the Achiever mixed in there. I also realized that I had a lot of hang ups and issues left over from the previous stages that I needed to work through to create a stronger foundation. Since then I think I dealt with a lot of the issues from the previous stages through shadow work and I have moved up like half a stage from pluralist/strategist to strategist mainly. Here is more information on that from the post I wrote in my journal from back then: I read through the paper in more detail this time and took more time to reflect on various memories I had from my childhood along with reading my journal entries from back then to get an idea of what kinds of things gave me an existential crisis back then to track my progression. Because I had more time than I did when I was busy with school, I took notes on the original paper whereas before I just read through it, highlighted a bunch of stuff that resonated with me on my laptop, and copied and pasted a few things as it was relevant to me journaling (see linked post). This is what I came up with this time around in a nut shell: My Ego Stages Through the Years Symbiotic: Ages 0-2 (2 years) Impulsive: 2-8 (6 years) Self Protective/ Opportunist: 5-8 (3 years) Conformist: 7-12 (5 years) Expert: 10-15 (5 years) Achiever: 15-19 (4 years) Pluralist: 16-21 (5 years) (I said from 16 to 21 because I'm sure I can smooth out the few hang ups I have between now and my 22nd birthday) Strategist: 19-??? Construct Aware: 20-??? Where Am I Now in April 2021? Achiever: Though this isn't my center of gravity, there are still somethings that resonate and that I need to exhaust. I still resonate with self analysis and understanding people being my favorite pastime (p.44). I still need to figure out my career path and become financially independent from my parents (p. 43). P. 43: "Achievers are more aware of their overall career path and how they got to where they are. At the same time, they trust in the potential to improve themselves through effort, learning and feedback. Feedback can now be listened to without necessarily agreeing with it or feeling one’s whole identity has been diminished. Whether the critic is right, misinformed, or misjudged me, the their response is useful information both about myself and about the critic." P.44: "Thus, the analysis of others and self-analysis become a favorite pastime and challenge. Many typologies and theories about human behavior come out of this motivation to classify and understand other human beings. From psychoanalysis, to behaviorism, to Rogerian therapy, to Gestalt approaches, many of the major therapeutic schools were born out of the Achiever mindset. Knowing the root causes and reasons for unwanted behavior helps one to fix problems and to achieve better outcomes. Indeed, finding the causes and working out explanations for what one observes are paramount for the scientific, modern method of inquiry and knowledge acquisition." (I don't have an issue with constructive criticism but I will say that I have no idea where I'm going in the next 5-10 years) Pluralist: I have worked through much of this phase but I notice myself slipping back here at times when I'm less conscious such as times of stress. I need to study epistemology and philosophy to horizontally develop in this stage (p. 54). I have highlighted portions from pages 56-58 as well as 61-62. To move past those hang ups, I need to find my life purpose. P.54: "The 4th person perspective allows individuals to focus on epistemology, that is, to examine how they came to believe what they believe and feel and how one knows and proves things. The transition to the first postconventional stage is a watershed in so far as it is the first time that the vertical move and the questioning of previously unexamined ideas is no longer supported by society and its chief conventional representatives. Postconventional thinking and questioning assumptions may be taught and encouraged in college courses, but then challenged and or dismissed at work and at home." (I need to look into epistemology when I go back to delving into deeper topics) P. 56 (resonated with me from 2018 to now): "As Stage 4/5 individuals explore their feelings and motivations, they can also begin to become aware of how easily we can fool ourselves. The possibility of defensive self-deception and culturally biased distortion are now starting to be experienced as ever-present dangers. Given the increasing awareness of one’s own vulnerabilities, persons at the 4th person perspective can exhibit a new, non-hostile type of humor that is directed towards the self. It is based on an the beginning sense of the futility of framing things in terms of right and wrong, provable or disprovable. It also recognizes how easily we can fool ourselves about our motives and intentions." P. 56: "Cognition: Thus, In the positive, liberated version of this stage, individuals may enjoy paradoxes and contradictions and no longer try to explain them away....Rather than trying isolate aspects of experience into different to categories and analyze them separately as independent variables, Stage 4/5 individuals are looking for connections and subtler clues to what is going on. Useful information can come from many sources that were previously considered outside the realm of scientific inquiry and viewed with skepticism, such as body sensations, intuition, dreams, reflection, and meditation." P.57: "Individualists often replace the focus on causality (past) and goals (future) of the Conscientious person with a fascination with the immediate present. They need to understand and watch how things unfold. Their attention turns from outcomes and deliverables to an interest in the processes, the relationships and the complex, non-linear influences among variables." (basically me coping with the pandemic by trying to be present and focusing on myself since there isn't anything else I can do) P.57: "They can therefore become enthralled with watching themselves trying to make sense of themselves. They often withdraw from external affairs and company life, or from ordinary daily routines. Instead, they turn inward in search of their unique gifts or answers to their own burning questions. If they are given room to be themselves and time to experiment freely, they can provide valuable input to the workplace. They find novel ways of looking at problems, or inspire others with their enthusiasm in pursuing their own interests and questions. If working independently, they are likely to fashion schedules and work contexts to optimize their flourishing. Sometimes, they are content to simply live day by day following “their own drummer.” Today’s hippy culture still embodies some of that sense of freedom and self-expression in the company of like-minded others symptomatic of the Individualist mindset." (this is me taking a break from school and trying to figure out my purpose tbh). P. 58: "Depression at this level has several facets: a) The realistic fear of being reabsorbed, that is sucked back into the “rat race” of the Achiever mindset by the demands of society; b) The dread of a routine work life that does rarely allows for individual self-expression and creativity; c) The concern that one will never find a clear self-definition from which to consistently operate and generate a coherent self sense; d) The deep experience of worry and tensions that come from growing beyond the conventional mindset especially when it comes to intimate relationships." P. 61:"Personality types: Individualists often prefer to live at the fringe of society, to live exactly the way they want to be. Admired by postconventional people for their spontaneity and unique self-expression, conventional persons may distrust them for being non-conformist and impossible to understand and predict." (this and the quote from p. 58 have to do with my angst with capitalism and how there is a part of me that wants to live out my cottage core fantasies in a farm isolate from everyone) Strategist: This is my center of gravity as I'm writing this. Everything in this section of the paper resonates with me at this moment. Construct Aware: This is where my higher self is at. Even though I can cognitively grasp the concepts in this stage, I'm far from being able to articulate it much less embody it emotionally. I need to work on my foundation with more basic forms of self help especially as I'm writing this since I'm currently taking a break from deeper topics because I noticed myself getting burnt out, overwhelmed, and like I don't have the proper foundation to integrate teachings without misunderstanding them and using them in an unhealthy way. Things to Keep in Mind: It takes about 5 years to move to the next level if circumstances are favorable and you're openminded It takes a year if you're doing a well developed program to shift to a new level. While each person has a center of gravity in one stage, their development can span across 3 or more stages depending on their mood and stress levels. My Goals/ Sense of Direction Going Forward: Find my life purpose Figure out a career path and become financially independent from my family Get some close friends and hopefully a significant other (focus on after the pandemic wears off and I can get out more) Learn epistemology and philosophy (this one isn't super urgent but the first 3 are the ones I really need to focus on)

Appreciating Bitterness So I bought this bar of dark chocolate that is 75% cocoa and has little bits of coffee in each square. It's really bitter and normally I'd be really turned off by it but because I have cut out some carbs out of my diet and been extra mindful of the amount of sugar I've been consuming, instead of just taking in the bitterness, I've been able to be more receptive of the other flavors and notes in the chocolate which is causing me to really enjoy it. I never had a super unhealthy diet but even by cleaning it up a little bit I did get changes in my taste buds. I know it's a whole thing when people cut out things that aren't healthy that their taste buds get more sensitive and therefore they start enjoy healthier foods more because they pick up on the subtle flavors more. I think the same can be true with self actualization/ spiritual work as well in relation to your life experiences. When you have an unhealthy life style or you're in an unhealthy circumstance, sometimes you go numb to the negative effects through normalization similar to how your taste buds get used to super salty and super sugary foods from eating processed foods all the time. Getting into a healthy lifestyle whether it is breaking out of old patterns of thoughts or changing your diet can be challenging because you get so numb to the unhealthy circumstance that the healthy alternative tastes bad, foreign, and unnatural literally and figuratively. I think I remember reading a comment on tiktok that was something along the lines of "I sometimes like hanging out with toxic and dramatic people because even though I don't participate in the drama, it's still tea and it gives life a little spice." I think that example illustrates how we get accustomed to unhealthy things in our lives to where we crave them in a way despite it not being good for us. And eventually, we acquire the healthy taste through the work we do on ourselves and maintaining the healthy habit in question becomes easy because it starts to feel really good. I know personally after cutting down on sugar and carbs that I can't even enjoy milk chocolate anymore because it's too sweet and it doesn't have that much flavor so as a result, I don't have this thing where I have to exert self control when I see chocolate anymore. When it comes to bitterness specifically, after cleaning up my diet, like I said, I have been able to enjoy really dark chocolate (all the way to like 95% dark chocolate) and appreciate all the flavors instead of having the urge to spit it out just because it's bitter. And I think the parallel between that and self actualization work is how we see obstacles and challenges. Because when you get into a healthier place, even if a certain circumstance is bitter, you can appreciate the circumstance for what it is and still find flavors in the experience you can savor and learn from by just being present. If you are in a less healthy place you're more likely to want to spit it out and resist the circumstance in question causing you to go through more turmoil and bitterness. And it's not that if you are in a less healthy place that you are more sensitive. If anything, the healthier you are and the more healing work you've done by peeling back layers of your psyche, the more sensitive you become. Because not only do you have you have more mastery over your emotions, meaning you can differentiate and discern subtle emotions as they come up, therefore giving you more data points on how to handle a situation, but the experiences penetrate much deeper into your heart because you don't have the layers of trauma and defense mechanisms clouding your judgement and perception of the situation. The difference between being in a healthy or unhealthy state isn't difference when it comes to levels of sensitivity rather it is the difference when it comes to reactivity.

I wanted to repost this and bring it more to the forefront of my more recent journal posts because I think it's really relevant to what I talked about in my previous post.