soos_mite_ah

The whole thing with yellow is that it can see the value of the other stages. Which is why integration is all the more important. I was in a similar position a couple years back where I had a little bit of yellow thinking but I still had hang ups in orange and green that I needed to either address or exhaust. Normally, regression happens when we weren't fully in a stage or if we become stressed and use the coping mechanisms of the previous stage because of a lack of integration. We regress at times of stress because those times reveal the parts the pressure points we need to work through. So that's perfectly normal. The deeper you go into yellow and the more you plug in the issues you had in the previous stages, you will regress less, and even if you do regress, you won't regress nearly as much. For example, one time I was in early yellow and I had something stressful come up and I regressed to orange and got super productivity oriented to deal with the problem. Another stressful thing happened to me recently that was similar to the previous situation but this time since I was deeper in yellow, I did regress, but I regressed into green instead. Just make sure when you integrate and exhaust the previous stages that you do it in a healthy way and that you try to implement the values of the lower stages from an elevated point. I know that might sound confusing but here's an example: At one point I had issues with discipline and productivity, so in other words I had a stage blue/orange hang up. I remember that I tried to integrate this aspect using stage blue/orange methods which involved being strict/rigid with myself, being perfectionistic, and overall being harsh. While I was trying to integrate a healthy aspect of blue/orange, I was going about it in an unhealthy way which to say the least didn't end well. What helped me instead was taking a more gentle and systemic approach to build discipline rather than brow beating myself. In other words, I integrated a stage blue/orange value in a green/yellow way.

Yeah that is a possibility. I do eat a little bit of fruit or dark chocolate as well. It doesn't take that much to satisfy the craving tbh. That makes sense I'll check on that.

Shame Around Being Awkward Part 2: Becoming Comfortable with My Interests Ok so in the original post I had the following points and I elaborated on them but just to make things simple I took the elaborations out so that I have a simple list. I'm going to focus on the items in blue. I have linked that post below if you want to see the original post and the elaborations: Naturally, after making this list, I tried to tackle each point one by one. I started with the first point and I basically tried to get comfortable with talking about my interests without worrying about being seen as weird/ crazy or worrying about whether or not people would get it. I tried to talk about some of interests regarding self development and spirituality with a couple of my friends. It went over really well for me. It helped me come up with more evidence that says "hey, other people can empathize with your experiences, you aren't alone when it comes to these interest in real life." But it also helped me deal with the other reasons why I think I'm awkward. Suddenly, I wasn't worried about running out of things to say or rambling. I was comfortable with what I was talking about and I gained the confidence to keep going because my friends listened to me without judgement. Because I was talking about something I was interested in therefore there weren't any awkward silences that would cause me to think "oh shit I have nothing to say I'm so awkward and I lack social skills." Finally, because I was talking about something I was actually interested in, it felt much more natural to where I didn't have to worry about talking too fast, stuttering, filler words, and not making sense. I noticed that this happens when I get nervous or when I'm not comfortable with what my interests are because when I'm not comfortable with my interests, I'm afraid of talking too much and boring the other person to death or afraid of looking crazy. It really ties into the whole rambling point. I started of trying to tackle the first point only to realize how much it impacted the other points when I put it into practice. Going forward, I think that I can deal with my shame around being awkward by accepting the things that I genuinely enjoy instead of feeling this need to conceal them in order to look sane and rational in front of others.

Cringeworthy Part 3: Some of My Key Takeaways So I stepped back from this book for a little bit to let all of the information marinate. I think the thing that helped me the most in this book is simply understanding what awkwardness is and how it works. By understanding that, it helped me not internalize feelings of awkwardness as much. I talked about this in my Cringeworthy Part 1 post but the big thing that stuck out to me when I was reading was when in p.14 the book goes into how awkwardness is seen as a character trait rather than an emotion or temporary state of being. "American pop culture often depicts awkwardness as a personality trait treating it as if the cause were socially inept individuals." I always thought I was an awkward person rather than someone who experience awkward moments like everyone else. And to me, being awkward coincided with being unlovable, being inconsiderate, being uncomfortable, being weird to where you aren't worthy of connecting with people. A lot of these beliefs around awkwardness also ties into the web of limiting beliefs I picked up from childhood experiences. The book reminded me of a lot of awkward things I did growing up. Like, the most irrelevant memories that I didn't think of for years popped up in my head while reading this. And when that would happen, I tried to do this thing where instead of cringing and curling up into a ball, I would try to reframe the situation and focus on why it was awkward rather than that it was awkward. Like for instance, I remember feeling awkward and dreading my graduation party because my parents basically forced me to have this party and invited a bunch of people from different areas of my life. Before reading this book I would have cringed and been like "omfg I was so awkward I want to forget about this ASAP and just crawl into a hole and die because I hate myself." But after reading this book, I tried to reframe this situation as "this situation was uncomfortable because I was put in a position where I had to play multiple roles at once and that felt overwhelming for me." For me personally the word awkward is loaded when I use it to describe myself. It's very easy for me to internalize because, again, it's treated like a personality trait one has instead of something a person momentarily feels. By reframing this situation in this way, I believe it helped not internalize my feelings of awkwardness as something that I am or something that is wrong or inherently unlovable about me. Rather, reframing this situation helped me see it in a more neutral way that isn't tied to my ego. Or for another example, I thought of the time when I was really nervous at a party and I came off as really awkward. Again, normally my response to when my brain comes up with memories like this are usually like "I want to forget about this and crawl into a hole and die because I hate myself." And in this situation I reframed it as "I wasn't awkward because there is something wrong with me or my social skills but because I was hyper focused on myself to where I wasn't relaxed or focusing on the other person. And being hyper focused about what I do isn't something that is wrong with me, it's something that is natural because I know so much about myself and my flaws since I see myself from the inside out, I'm with myself all the time, and I'm essentially an expert on myself." I also catch myself cringing a lot about what I was like in the past growing up and recently. I try to think of those moments of cringe as an indication of how much I've grown and how much I've polished myself through the process of actualizing myself. Often times we cringe when we feel like we are revealing the unpolished parts of ourselves kind of like peeking into what an actor is doing backstage rather than seeing the actor performing, except here, rather than the actor performing in a stage, we are performing in our social lives. My past and me figuring things out is my backstage moment to how I move about the world in the present. And finally, I really liked the observation on how we are more likely to have a cringe attack when we are relaxed and doing some mindless activity. I have this thing where sometimes in the middle of the night I go into a negative spiral and I made it a point that whenever I catch myself spiraling at like 2am in the morning, I ask myself "am I actually upset about my life, or do I just need to go to sleep?" It's usually the later and just knowing that helps me not get consumed into that spiral and create a healthy form of mental distance. Eventually I didn't have negative spirals at the middle of the night anymore and when I did I didn't take them too seriously. Because usually, those spirals don't have anything constructive to say, it's usually rooted in self pity and self hate. I decided to do a similar thing when I catch myself having a cringe attack and start going on in a spiral of self hatred where I catch myself spiraling and I ask myself "is this something that is actually relevant to my life and things I'm working on when it comes to my growth, or did my mind wander because I was going a relaxing and mindless activity?" I could go on and on about how I'm implementing the things I learned in this book and basically go into each point I highlighted in the previous posts but I'm not going to since what I already wrote pretty much sums up how I'm using this book to shift my mindset in a nutshell

@dflores321 No not really My main source of carbs include fruits, vegetables, brown rice, and a couple slices of gluten free bread. I also eat noodle a few times a week but it's usually lentil pasta or something vegetable based.

The first thing that came to my mind is this video lol

I feel personally attacked. I'm posting this here because I think this is a really important video for me especially considering my subtle addictions.

Cringeworthy Part 2 P.120: "Fewer people are keeping track of your foibles than you imagine." ..."people greatly overestimate the extent to which other people were noticing" ... ' You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.' Basically, if you do something awkward, good news! No one cares. I've heard this so many times before and I find that reassuring every time. Another thing that brings me comfort is this one thing that I saw on tiktok which was along the lines of "it's easy for your mind to come up with that one minutely embarrassing thing you did years ago but how often do you have the same experience except you remember something that was minutely embarrassing that someone else did? Chances are you don't remember those memories and the good thing is that other people probably don't remember that awkward thing you did years ago either." P. 123: The problem is that you assume other people are fixated on the things you are fixated on. Often they are not." Classic self bias P. 125: "Think about what expertise allows you in other disciplines. 'If you're an expert physicist, for instance, you can notice all kinds of small minute details that nobody else can notice.... The same thing is true with yourself. You're an expert about yourself-- you saw yourself yesterday; you know what you look like when you go out to a party versus when you just get up in the morning out of bed; you know so much about yourself. You can judge yourself like an expert does.'" Basically, you're hyper aware about everything you do and therefore hyper critical of yourself because you're an expert on "you." Other people don't know, care, or notice nearly as much. P. 126: "But here is more good news for the overly self-conscious. Even when people do see your screw ups, they aren't judging you as harshly as you think." I feel like there are some cliché parts in this book but I don't think the cliché is necessarily a bad thing since there are some over said words that we could repeat more to grow and ease up the anxiety we have in certain situations. This is one of those clichés. P.138: "Empathy isn't inherently good... It can be a route to compassion, but understanding how someone else feels can also lead to something darker, something more like contempt." P.139: " One of these is cognitive empathy which means recognizing and understanding someone else's feelings but keeping those feelings at a distance. You can imagine what someone is likely going through, in other words, but you don't let it in; you don't feel it yourself. The other kind of empathy is affective empathy , or compassionate empathy and this one is the way we usually use the word: It's understanding someone else's experience and internalizing what they are likely feeling." Reminds me of what Contrapoints' video on cringe was talking about regarding contemptuous cringe vs compassionate cringe. Also I like the idea of empathy being seen as something that isn't inherently good because it's so easy to think that empathy is this all good thing because of the way it's commonly used. I like it because it has a different take on empathy that is more nuanced. I mean after all, to say or do something really nasty that you know will hurt someone horribly, you need to empathize with where that person's pressure points lie...... P.157: Cringe attacks mainly happen when you are alone and/or are doing some mindless activity and you cross paths with something that is vaguely related to a memory in your head which then reminds you of that one cringy memory you'd rather forget. And that moment usually has an element of ambiguity or something that feels unresolved in your mind. I honestly never noticed this until this book pointed it out to me. I think most of the times I have a cringe attack, it's usually when I'm meditating lmao. P.168: This part talks about some action items you can take the next time you catch yourself cringing. Basically, ask yourself three questions: How many times have other people experienced the same thing or something similar? If a friend came to you and told you about this memory, how would you respond to it? Can you try thinking about the moment from someone else's point of view." Because reading a book on cringe reminded me of a lot of cringeworthy things I've done, I had a few opportunities to try this out. And I'd say that this was helpful. P.171: "Humility isn't about seeing yourself in a negative light rather "humility allows you to 'occupy a rightful space, neither too much or too little.' Humility is knowing your place." P.172: "Humility allows you to see yourself as a part of interconnected whole. You matter because of the way you actions impact everyone else." P. 173: "So a cringeworthy moment, then, can be used as a reminder that yours is not the only perspective. Likewise, a cringe attack could become a reminder that you aren't alone in your awkwardness. It's not a feeling that is unique to you. Everyone shares it, to some degree or another, and reminding yourself of that may be one way to minimize the impact of these memories. This part was talking about self indifference and how we should aim for that in the face of awkward situations rather than hyping ourselves up. Again, reminds me of the Contrapoints video. P. 201: " A good life 'isn't so much about success or failure but whether we stay in learning mode, continue to seek out ambiguity, and view uncertainty as the doorway to invention." P. 202: "What if you could reconceptualize social uncertainty so that it started to feel more like 'the doorway to invention?' At one point during the class, the instructor tells us, 'Improv throws you in without a plan, and you figure out how to figure it out.'" This section of the book was talking about improv and how it can highlight awkwardness since both awkward moments and improvised moments have this element of ambiguity to them. These quotes along with the rest of this chapter is about embracing awkwardness. As someone who doesn't embrace awkwardness really well, I really liked this perspective. I also just realized that one of the reasons why I hold on to competence as a part of my identity is because I'm socially anxious and I don't want to look unpolished or unsure about myself and my future because that means ambiguity and that means I'm going to look awkward. Never made that connection before. P.231: "Looking back, it's easier to take a third-person perspective of yourself, with an assist from the natural distance of time." This is one of the things that I use to help me forgive myself when something goes horribly wrong. I guess I could use it for awkward moments as well. Then there is this whole section of how cringing at yourself can be an indication of how much you've grown as a person since in a way you don't resonate with your old self anymore. Or how cringing can encourage more self reflection and growth because it forces you to look at yourself from another person's point of view and see how you are not living up to your on values therefore compelling you to back track, reevaluate your life and try to live it more authentically (that was a different chapter but oh well). This reminded me of this video. I've come back to this video at random points in my life because it's reassuring lol.

I have put Lynette Adkin's videos here and there in this journal as I encountered them in the algorithm but I just wanted to post these here because I resonate with it.

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing There is so much in this video that resonates with me to where I feel like the algorithm targeted me lmao. I remember feeling this panic from age 16 where I was like "shit I need to get my life together, I need to figure out what to major in, what kind of career I want, what kind of lifestyle I'm aiming for, what my values are, how to handle my finances, figure out what kind of classes i need to take and if I don't do all of those things and get clear on it and if things don't go according to plan I'm going to fail in life either financially or have an awful existential crisis at 25." Now at 21, I can say that I was pretty overworked and anxious around that time of my life. I had this image of what it meant to be an adult and function well as an adult and I found myself waaaay behind of that ideal. I didn't give myself that room to well... be a 16 year old CHILD and I don't think my surroundings gave me that room either. I guess another big factor is late capitalism and how a lot of young people have issues with achieving traditional milestones of adulthood or they achieve them later than their parents because of a variety of socioeconomic factors. I remember at 16 thinking that my life was over because I got a B in a class because that would mean that I won't get scholarships, I won't get into the school I have to go to, and then that would be a whole domino effect messing up my entire quality of life. While I was more lenient than some of my other peers, it still felt like I was in a tight rope of sorts. Some of those fears did come true where I didn't get into the college I really wanted to go to or get the scholarship that I really wanted so at 18 I had another existential crisis which made me want to double down how strict I was with myself. And looking back at me when I was 16-18, I just think it's wild because I was so young. I know that sounds super pretentious because I'm only a few years older than that but I still am so young. I'll be fine. I don't have to put myself on this hamster wheel of answering the questions my existential crisis is giving me. But at the same time I'm kind of glad I made it an objective to get clear with those things in my life early on instead of moving through the motions of things and letting the course of life decide for me. I think what I should've done was figuring those things out as an objective but not put as much pressure on myself. This video also gave me some reassurance when it comes to me taking a break from school and how it is letting my pause and figure my shit out and how necessary that is in the long run. Another part of the video that resonates with me is how we are just on the go go go from like kindergarten all the way to high school and you don't really have a break outside of the summer and as a result we don't really get as much time as we need to explore and figure our shit out. And for me, I think it was almost even worse because I was also constantly working on something school related even during the summer because my stereotypical Asian parents were like "you need to do math and science 5 hours ever day so you can get ahead of your peers while they are falling behind." Also... I literally started studying for the SAT at like age 12 because of my parents and because of my anxiety for the future. I look back now and I'm just like WHYYYYYYYYY. That is honestly the best part about getting to college. I don't ever have to think about the SATs ever again or step foot on a college test prep center. I did take as much time as I could just to space tf out and figure out my life (again, so glad I made that into an objective) and I centered my priorities around growing as a person instead of a college application. I did the best that I could given what I had and I'm honestly so proud of my younger self doing that. At the very least, I did an amazing job with figuring out what I wanted to study, what subjects I'm passionate about, and why. And even though things are rough right now, I'm still proud of myself for that. Because again, like the video said, it can be so easy to go through high school and college and not really think about what you actually want to do because you're in the mindset of feeling like you need to have these decisions made already and start life.

Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 2 They have learned nothing: Towards the end of the semester, we were discussing different types of leadership in the workforce. As a way to encourage participation, we were given the example of an authoritarian, cut throat, extremely results oriented boss who is willing to fire anyone who doesn't produce the exact results she wants therefore she creates a high pressure work environment. This was based on a real life example of one of the creative directors at Netflix. Some of the pros in this situation include the standards being clear, the work place being really goal oriented therefore it maximizes performance, and that it provides a good amount of structure in a company as big as Netflix. All of those points are valid. But there are a lot of cons to this situation as well. An authoritarian, high pressure environment makes employees more neurotic therefore more likely to make mistakes. Since this is the creative department, this is probably not the best approach as people are trying to save their ass from getting fired rather than coming up with something unique. Additionally, by focusing heavily on the end result rather than the process in which someone got the result, this leadership style encourages unethical behaviors and less collaboration since people are trying to get a result by any means necessary including screwing other people over. Those unethical behaviors can be sabotaging to the company's objectives and could also lead to lawsuits which can be costly and unsustainable in the long run. Plus, as an employee, it isn't the best workplace to get ahead or to really learn your craft because your boss doesn't see you as human and will probably undermine your efforts. So after discussing all of that, my professor asked the class if we would still want to work in a place like that. And the vast majority of people raised their hands because hey it's Netflix! It's a big, reputable company and they probably pay a lot even if they treat their workers like trash. It felt rather surreal to me. First of all we spent the entire semester talking about the ethics of how to treat people in the workforce and how this authoritarian method logically doesn't lead to many good results, and you still want to go along with that? Tbh there is a part of me that isn't surprised because most of the people in this class don't care about the contents of the class rather they just want to get a good grade and move on afterwards. Trust me, I get that. We all go through classes that we don't particularly care much about in order to check off a requirement in order to graduate. But imo, even if you don't like something, you can still learn and expand your world view in the process (tbh this might be my 98 on openness talking). And always just looking for the grade and obsessively looking at your GPA isn't healthy nor will it get you good results. Based on other class discussions, that was the over all vibe I was getting. The way that a lot of people answered this question reminds me of Leo's video on Learning=Behavior change. Their behavior and attitudes didn't change in the course of this semester, they were just doing it to do well on a test. This experience also reminds me of the time I logged into Tumblr when I was 13 and discovered how the patriarchy screws over men as well even though men are seen as having more power. Capitalism and the values it espouses still hurts the upper class even though they get the better end of the stick compared to those who are middle class and below, similar to how the patriarchy gives men the better end of the stick compared to women but it still hurts men. It can be frustrating to look at the upper class and know that they have the means to do whatever profession they want. The students who said they would still work at a toxic work environment for the money don't have to do that. They have the means to get out of that situation and go somewhere that is more aligned with them. It would be a different story if a bunch of poorer people said the same thing simply because they don't have the privilege of choosing something else. It's frustrating to watch these one-percenters make a choice like that because they have the privilege and means to choose something better, something more fulfilling. They have the privilege of choice and they still choose the wrong choice. But I don't blame these people for the choice they made. It is a direct affect of the environment they were brought up in. They were socialized to be this way. While they don't encounter physical and systemic barriers that obstruct their achievement like people who aren't as well off, underestimating the power of psychological and social pressures is foolish. One could however make the argument of "why don't they question society?" I could probably do a whole separate post on that tbh.

@RendHeaven I really want to live in New Zealand. But I'm also pretty flexible. As long as I'm in a fairly liberal and progressive area, near/ or at a city I'm good. The college I was going to felt rough initially because of how it didn't fit me well but I'm really grateful for it. Because it didn't fit me well it forced me to grow. It taught me how to deal with people who are completely different from me and taught me how to make the most of a situation that seemed like a nightmare at first. I'm at peace with where I'm at and I still learn from these *interesting situations.* It really yanks you out of your perspective.

Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 1 I've been thinking about this lately and I thought I'd do a journal entry so that I can get it out of my system. Tbh, I don't even know where to begin. The management class I took was interesting but what was more interesting were dealing with the people in the class. First, Let's Set the Context: The college I go to is pretty white and most of the students there are at least upper middle class or upper class. The broke college student does not really exist in this campus. And if you are middle class or lower chances are you're here on scholarship and you're probably going to hang out with people of a similar background because you can't relate to the rich kids. Porches and Louis Vuitton bags are common in this campus to where you get desensitized to it. I haven't heard of any occurrences where people looked down on you for the lack of designer things because these kids aren't even trying to flex, this is just what is normal in their upbringing. Oh so you have a Gucci belt? Well you aren't special because there are literally a thousand people here who have the same thing. In a way it's almost humbling because after a while when you see your third Maserati of the day, you don't hold it on a pedestal and you're like *it's just an overpriced car, it isn't much different from my Toyota" and as a result you stop caring. In simpler terms, my school is very stage orange. The business school is all that taken to more of an extreme. I'm probably just going to talk about my experiences in my management class according to the handful of stories I have because that is the best way that I feel like I can articulate it and still have everything make sense without going off topic. Money won't make you happier after a certain point: So initially in the beginning of the semester, I thought that I'd try to talk to a couple people who sat near me in an effort to make some friends. I tried to create small talk only to be met with either silence or complete apathy. I wasn't doing anything weird or at least I didn't think I did. I just introduced myself asked how they were and tried to talk about the class a little bit. I get that people can come off shy and closed off at first so I brushed it off the first time it happened but the second time I tried to create small talk. I was met with the same energy so I decided to leave these people alone because clearly they aren't into it. Oh well it happens. I don't expect to click with everyone. Some of our class discussions were especially revealing when it came to the general attitudes of my classmates. One time we were talking about how after a certain threshold (I think it's when people make about $90k a year) anymore money people make won't make them happier. This is because at that point they have enough to sustain themselves, have savings, and invest, but if they are still miserable, chances are there are other things wrong with their lives and as the manager, after a certain threshold you need to focus more on the benefits a job comes with if you want to compensate your employees more to keep them happy and motivated. Yeah...... that didn't make sense for most of the people in my class. Most of the people were like 90k is such a small amount of money, if you had any real ambition you should want to strive for more. The general vibe I got was that to these people, money was their main objective, not only early in their career to make sure they an be compensated enough, but as their purpose of sorts. They couldn't wrap their heads around the concept of being content after making enough money. How to create a healthy workplace: We had another discussion on worker's rights and how to create a healthy workplace. Basically we were given a scenario along the lines of you are a manager at a grocery store, the previous manager was authoritarian, and now sometimes the employees steal merchandise. The correct answer on how to deal with a situation like this is to communicate the standards and consequences (so don't steal or x will happen to you) and have a rewards system to promote good behavior. The other thing that's incredibly important is to be kind and treat the employees with dignity because it's likely that the theft started happening because the employees were trying to get back at their former authoritarian boss to spite him/her (this is according to what the course material was talking about). Well... a lot of people in my class had different ideas. One of the guys were like "we should have vicious attack dogs that intimidate the workers into obeying and that will sniff out any wrong doings." Or other answers were like "we should install security cameras and pat down the workers before and after their shift." I was sitting there shook because those "solutions" seemed so extreme and it felt like it was basically doubling down on the actual problem. First of all, that type of method doesn't work and second and more importantly, YOU DON'T TREAT PEOPLE IN THAT WAY. If you treat people like criminals, don't be surprised if they start acting like criminals. And it made me uncomfortable because some of these people said these things with a biggest smile on their face as if they were happy to have a form of domination over their employees. This was true especially for the guy who suggested the vicious dogs. I was getting major Patrick Bateman from American Psycho vibes. The Big 5 Personality Test and Why Everyone Lowkey Hates Me Another time my professor had us take the Big 5 personality test. It tests on the following traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (OCEAN for short). Then she shared the class averages in our class as well as the class averages with the other classes she taught. That was when I realized that I was the opposite of the majority of my classmates. Openness refers to how open minded a person is. The higher the score, the more open minded. It also indicates interests in the arts, how societies work, philosophical ideas, existential concepts. The class average was a 23. Mine was a 98. Scoring high or low on openness isn't a bad thing rather it depends on the context. Some jobs are well suited for people who score low on openness, such as jobs that require a lot of routine work, while other jobs like social work or more creative fields require high openness. Conscientiousness refers to how hard working a person is and how disciplined/ willing to stick with something they are when it comes to work. Here, I scored near the class average. Class average was an 87 and I scored a 90. Not surprising since you kind of have to be an overachiever to get into this school in the first place. Extroversion is pretty self explanatory. I scored near the class average on this one as well. Class average was 55. I scored a 48. Agreeableness refers to how accommodating and considerate a person is. High scorers tend to be empathetic and collaborative while lower scores tend to be more cut throat and more comfortable with competition and confrontation. Class average was a 12. Mine was 95. Like openness and extroversion, scoring high or low on agreeableness doesn't mean much because there are certain roles that are better suited for less agreeable people, like jobs in engineering or accountancy where you don't have to deal with as many people, while there are other roles that are more suitable for more agreeable people, like jobs in customer service and health care. Neuroticism is also pretty self explanatory. Higher scores usually mean more neurotic. The class average was a 68 but then my professor explained that there were 3 students who scored really low on neuroticism and that brought the class average down. If you take out the statistical anomalies, the class average is a 98 in neuroticism. I guess I was one of the 3 students because my score was an 11. Upon hearing these results, it got awkward. There was an awkward silence and then the teacher was like......"are y'all ok??" Then someone was like, "the test is probably skewed, I mean we're college students, obviously we are going to be stressed and depressed." But then my professor was like "no this test takes your age and occupation into account and compares you to other people in the same circumstance, yall are significantly more stressed than the average college student." Then, another student tried to justify this by saying "well, you have to be stressed to get ahead in life. Neuroticism is part of the grind isn't it?" My professor responded to this by saying "no, neuroticism negatively affects your performance. Luckily this and conscientiousness are pretty malleable and open to changing so you can always work on yourself to get to a better place in your life mentally and in your career." We talked about this more and lowkey my professor was hinting to the class about how we definitely need therapy and healthy coping skills. Any way, that was a really revealing conversation. Suddenly it made sense why I didn't click with a lot of people there and later on why I clash with some people. It also made sense why many people looked at me like I was fucking insane. I got into business because I was interested in things like wealth inequality and making workplaces better suited for the people working there to benefit everyone in question. As a result I kind of unintentionally give off this vibe that's like ~~***let's care about each other and come up with creative solutions that helps everyone***~~ and the people around me look irritated and are like *ma'am.... this is corporate America*

Forgot to include this post in this journal:

Subtle Addictions Subtle addictions I personally need to look out for: Analysis Theorizing, thinking, over conceptualizing Hoarding knowledge Perfectionism These are the addictions that stood out to me as things I see in myself. I have journaled quite a bit when it comes to perfectionism so I'll refrain from going into that again. After all, I made like a 10 part series on it. When it comes to being addicted to analysis, theorizing, thinking, over conceptualizing, an hoarding knowledge, I think it comes down to the more I know and understand about the world, the better I am with dealing with the world from a survival standpoint. These things give me a sense of control in an unpredictable world. But on the other hand, when I was thinking about my values, I discovered that learning was one of my values. There is a genuine sense of joy that I derive from learning and analyzing the world. One of the best feelings is learning something and then suddenly a lot of things in life makes more sense and you are able to perceive more in the world because you expanded your sense of critical thinking. You become more conscious about how brilliantly the world works. I did notice the limitations of these addictions. Happiness isn't ultimately found in the mind or a cool new model rather it is found in being. Sometimes, hyper analysis can lead to anxiety and depression because of the amount of information you're consuming. A good example of this is when people develop a super pessimistic outlook of the world being a dangerous place because of the 24 hour news cycle. For me what helps is being aware, but not always focused on something. Again going back to the news example, during the BLM protests last year, I decided that I wasn't going to read up on issues regarding police brutality and that I was not going to watch the video. This isn't to say that when something happens it's best to bury your head in the sand but for me personally, I'm already educated on systemic racism, police brutality, the various factors that create anti-black sentiments that result in tragedies such as these. For me personally, I knew that I wasn't going to get anything out of being plugged into the news and social media. I'm not going to get new information to broaden my horizons that would further my understanding of the discourse. Instead, I'm just going to be traumatized and that won't help the situation. Same thing with COVID. I'm not going to get anything from tuning into the statistics of how many people died and the rate of infection on a daily basis. Regardless of whether I'm reading up on updates, I'm still going to have to do the same thing which is wear a mask, keep my distance, stay in the house, and mind my own business. And that's something that I ask myself when I see videos that go into more in depth analysis. I ask myself, is this broadening my horizons and making me more aware of what's going on or is it doubling down on what I already know and thus making me hyper focus on things that might not be best for my sense of sanity.

Cringeworthy Part 1 I'm currently half way through Melissa Dahl's book Cringworthy. I guess since I was thinking about cringing while I was reading this book, my brain decided to do the smart thing and bring up some of the most cringworthy memories I have from the last 5 years or so . It was painful. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out because my entire existence feels like a disgrace. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how physically cringing feels like to me. But that aside, I got a lot of valuable stuff from this book and I thought I'd journal about it. P.11: "Cringing happens when you accidentally let an un-scripted, unpolished version of yourself escape." It comes from wanting to conceal aspects of your personality. For me, that explains why shadow work can be effective in smoothing out awkwardness because in shadow work, you go from rejecting parts of yourself to integrating them. I think this also applies when I cringe at they typos and the way I wrote past journal entries. It also relates to how I have an issue around wanting to be seen as competent which I have journaled about extensively at this point. P.14: The book goes into how awkwardness is seen as a character trait rather than an emotion or temporary state of being. "American pop culture often depicts awkwardness as a personality trait treating it as if the cause were socially inept individuals" I found this really interesting because whenever I feel cringe I often catch myself also going through a self loathing spiral which is usually along the lines of *my personality is awful, I'm so ugly on the inside.* And in more extreme cases, I have internalized feelings of awkwardness as shame because growing up I was "the shy awkward kid" and now as an adult, even though I don't come off as a walking blob of awkwardness, whenever something awkward happens, my gut reaction is to take full blame for the situation and cringe at myself even if the situation was caused by the other person since part of me still sees myself as the awkward 13 year old I used to be. P.25 "There's often a stark difference between the way that you see you and the way that others see you; the distance between something the psychologist Philippe Rochat calls the irreconcilable gap" .... "It's something that makes you newly conscious of yourself an how you're being seen by others, especially when someone else's perception of you doesn't measure up to the way you see yourself." I do agree that there is always a gap of how we see ourselves. I remember one time I came across something along the lines of "Other people know us from the outside looking in but we know ourselves from the inside looking out." It was relating to feeling like an imposter because everyone has a more positive view on you than you do of yourself because since you know yourself from the inside out, you're also aware of all the messy stuff behind the scenes that other people might not notice unless you tell them. P.31: "Not only are we trying to present ourselves in a certain way, but we're also simultaneously trying to interpret the impressions others are trying to make on us." The book talks on how this dynamic can make socializing nerve wracking instead of natural and fun because for some people, they're working out a lot of things mentally within an interaction. Later on in the book, Dahl also discusses how this interferes with us being present in the moment and pay attention to social cues, and then because we weren't paying attention, we do something embarrassing. So basically, what I'm getting is that thinking you're awkward is often a self fulfilling prophecy. P.44-45: These two pages talk about how "our relationships are a potentially infinite cycle of concealing and revealing out authentic selves to each other" and why it can feel awkward when you have two groups of friends coming together. "If awkwardness is caused in part by 'unfulfilled expectations,' as Goffman once wrote, then that's why this situation is so awkward. You've created different roles for yourself to play in discrete social situations and you can't play them all at once." When I read these two pages, I was just sitting there like *omfg that makes sense.* Also, I see Goffman's work coming out in different parts of this book and that automatically makes me feel like I'm back in school in my sociology class in a good way. The familiarity gives me a nerdy sense of comfort lol. I also thought of this meme that I found a long time ago. P.106: "Paying close attention to every little thing you're going is a great way for novices to learn. If you've never played golf before, then you have to start by focusing on exactly the right way to hold the club or exactly the right way to position your feet. But studies by Beilock and many others have found that once you develop expertise, too much self-focus can cause you to fumble." P.107: "Beilock writes that this is because worrying about your performance is so psychologically taxing that your mind doesn't have enough capacity to be fully engaged in the task at hand." P.109: "Nervousness can trap people inside their own perspective making it less likely that they'll be able to see the world from someone else's point of view." P.111: "Most of us are already pretty well practiced at talking to other people, the mechanics are the same whether you're talking to your closest friends and family or your boss at your company holiday party, or someone who is visibly different from you. Whatever the case, she said, 'keeping in mind the goals you want to achieve can sort of lift you out of the details' so you can focus on the person in front of you." Basically this entire section told me to not ruminate on being awkward and for god's sake don't search up something like Charisma on Command because while there might be good advice there, if you don't have much of a problem with socializing, that content is just going to make you overthink all of your mannerisms. The advice in this video is pretty good but personally, I don't need to ruminate on how high/low energy I am when I'm around people. For me that would easily fall into the overthinking category.

Posting these because I found a really good channel and I was binging her content

Analyzing Cottagecore I've been getting into analyzing different popular aesthetics recently and why people find themselves drawn to them. And then YouTube recommended this video by The Take that discussed cottagecore. Upon watching this video, I guess wanting to escape to a rural idyllic life in the country side to get away from the chaos of the world and the existential crisis that capitalism produces isn't a new concept. I didn't know that there was a whole history to this and that there were past movements that had similarities with cottagecore. I also loved how this video discusses how marginalized groups, particularly black people and lesbians, find a safe space in this aesthetic and turn it into a form of empowerment. It's along the lines of reclaiming the past and rural life, and seeing yourself in it outside of notions of struggle and oppression. This was one of the videos that was cited when The Take was discussing how POC fit into an rural, old timey aesthetic. I went ahead and watched this video and I liked how Tanya discusses how this contrasts with "strong black woman" trope along with why that trope is harmful because it justifies the oppression that black women deal with since there is an assumption of "she's strong so she must be able to handle it." She also talks about how femininity is something that gets stripped from black women as further justification to dehumanize them. I've seen that point be raised in other contexts as well so when I first saw posts of black women adopting a cottagecore-esq aesthetic, I immediately thought of other Instagram posts that I've seen before which had captions (or implied something) along the lines of "let black women and men be soft" and the pictures would be something along the lines of black people being joyful, carefree, having flowers in their hair, etc. I also think it's really important for people of color to see themselves in different aesthetics and feel that their sense of self expression is unlimited. Personally, I feel that if you are a POC, there is a tendency of people expecting you to be a walking stereotype of you ethnicity or else you're "whitewashed" or you aren't cultured. I remember being around 14 or so and listening to emo music and I had people say that I "act white" because of it (also you can't act a race without having a stereotype in your head of what a certain race acts like but that's a post for another day). I've heard some of my black friends at the time say that they encountered that as well along with being seen as "less black" because they liked anime or anything else that seemed out of the ordinary. Recently, I had a friend tell me how she had people assume that she doesn't care about her culture because she is into cottagecore and knowing her it felt ridiculous because I know that she is secure in her cultural identity. From what I've observed, being whitewashed is something that can be used differently based on the person and what they consider whitewashed. I know there are some people who consider being whitewashed as preferring things from western culture and that everyone is whitewashed to a certain extent. But for me personally, I believe that being whitewashed is more about a sense of internalized self hatred towards your culture and people from your culture. To me liking cottagecore as a brown person isn't whitewashed but saying something along the lines of "brown girls are rarely beautiful" while being brown yourself is whitewashed. That said, I understand why people may jump to the conclusion that you must be whitewashed if you are into an aesthetic like cottagecore. A lot of the aesthetic has to do with rural life and the settings of period pieces from the 1800s, which aren't exactly settings that are POC and LGBTQ friendly. Plus like with many aesthetics, POCs aren't really represented. There is a connotation exclusion that can come with it. But at the same time I don't see why people can't reclaim it and make a space for themselves either if they just like the aesthetic. We're talking about aesthetics and ways of expressing ourselves, not literally going back to 1850. I also really liked this video. I liked how it discussed the ways cottagecore can be an extension of one's political beliefs because of the imagery it has. While The Take focuses on how cottagecore relates to anti-capitalism and sustainability, I like how this video delved into how cottagecore can serve as a way of saying "lets go back to the good ol days back when women knew their place in the home" by alt right people who romanticize the past. While I haven't seen alt right people adopting this aesthetic, I can see how the imagery can be twisted in that direction. Cottagecore, like all aesthetics, don't have defined political leanings but like anything visual and artistic, it can be up for interpretation and can be used as an extention of expression, whatever message that expression may have. I believe this video also touches on returning to a gentle form of femininity away from the context of patriarchy not as a form of escapism rather as a form of self care. This also reminded me of a tiktok that I saw a while back of a person talking about how bisexual/lesbian women find women attractive feels different compared to how straight men finding women attractive. It was something along the lines of how women when they find another woman attractive is along the lens of seeing that woman as a work of art. It's like looking at a painting where even if that person doesn't fit the standard of what is considered beautiful, there is something beautiful that is about them and the vibe they put out, kind of like why people may find impressionistic paintings, abstract art or anything else in between beautiful despite all of the types of beauty contrasting with each other where there are no common features setting a standard of beauty. I think something like this can be seen with a group straight women as well where even if we have friends who don't fit the mold of what is considered conventionally attractive, we still hype each other up and point out the features that we find beautiful in each other. Whereas with men, instead of the "work of art lens" a lot of what they consider attractive is painted from the lens of things like porn and objectification due to the way that women are presented in media and advertising. It's more along the lines of a woman has to check a series of boxes for them to be deemed attractive. And then you end up with a more limited idea of what is considered attractive. Then there is the concept of men being visual creatures. I love how this point is always brought up to justify objectification but men being visual creatures is never brought up when it comes to how they design their homes, what kind of clothes they wear, etc. rather instead those things are written off as things that women care about because of their "feminine natural drive towards beautification." And if a man god forbid cares about these things and does something along the lines of doing his eyebrows or using a facemask every now and then so their skin doesn't get crusty, suddenly other men think he's gay . Honestly, from my observations, straight men generally are not visually competent and don't know how to carry themselves. Like I've flipped through different tinder profiles and I swear to god like 90% of the profiles have selfies from the awkwardest angles to where basically the guys are shooting themselves on the foot as far as attractiveness goes. I stg there are men out there who are 4s who could easily be a 7 if they got a proper haircut, did their eyebrows, did something nice for their skin every now and then instead of just washing their face with 3 in 1 bodywash/shampoo/conditioner, and bought clothes that actually fit them well. So much for being visually inclined smh. Anyway, my rant is over lol. I think that's why a lot of lesbians flock to cottagecore. Because the aesthetic appeals to a form of beauty that is more aligned with the way women find other women attractive rather than from the male gaze. Granted that I'm going off of things that I heard in a tiktok and how it resonates with how I compliment my friends so I can't really say how much of my analysis aligns with the experiences of women who love women.

I think it's good because it can spread valuable information in the mainstream and can make him more approachable. I think what Leo talks about is more important than the fact that he's talking. Talking about how we are all one, we are god, and how we should use psychedelics to realize that imo isn't a good move from an optics point because the vast majority of people aren't aware of nonduality being a thing much less have a basic understanding of it. Unless you got exposed to those topics through philosophy, religious studies or something, it isn't unlikely that people will jump to the conclusion of "great another guy on drugs claiming he's god, what's new." Like if you leave enlightenment, psychedelics, and talking about god off the table, I think Leo becoming more mainstream can be beneficial.

@modmyth Thank you

Same Also, I think a lot of teachings in Leo's videos can easily be used to justify devilry by people with lower levels of consciousness. I think a good example is spiral dynamics. It's a good and useful model but if it's introduced into the mainstream with people who are at orange or blue with no intention on integrating green, it can be used to justify eugenics and racism. Or blue people could make this into a cult. You raised some really good points about why we shouldn't get rid of comments/forum. I talk more about the dangers of spiral dynamics going mainstream in this entry I made in this journal:

@Raptorsin7 @egoeimai

Videos that Resonate with Me While I didn't literally blur out the world, I had a similar experience with deleting my social media. I've been feeling more myself and I feel like there is less pressure, like I can be a little messed up and be a work in progress. I don't think it would've been the same if I was still at school but since I'm mainly at home, after getting rid of social media it's like I had no choice but to focus on myself because I wasn't getting any information about anyone else. I never really had a social media addiction. If anything I rarely post and rarely check up on my feed or anything other than memes. But even then I guess there was a part of me subconsciously that took in what other people were doing and then in the middle of the night I would be in bed wondering wtf am I doing with my life after comparing myself to other people. And I haven't been feeling that nearly as much lately. I still have doubts regarding if I'm in the right direction and it's a challenge to accept where I am in my life and have faith that my life is on the right timing, but getting rid of social media has helped. The whole video resonates with me. Even when I was little, there was a part of me that wanted to perform but I didn't really know what medium to use. I don't want to sell my soul and my body to the Hollywood reptiles. I don't want to deal with anything social media related because I don't care about social media like that. I tried to have a YouTube channel but I realized that something just wasn't clicking. When it came to writing on here, not to be cliche and *that* person, but something just felt right. Around 15:30, the video talks about advice for anyone wanting to start a YouTube channel. While I don't see myself in that category, a lot of what was being said resonated with me. I did have those thoughts about *what if no one reads any of this and I'm wasting my time and everything I post is cringe.* But there was a point where I stopped caring and I took on this attitude that even if no one else sees this, this journaling habit is for me and my future self. I took on this attitude that I'm going to document what I'm going through and where I'm at in my life in a more candid way. I think that's where I went right in this journal vs what I was doing with my YouTube channel where I was putting more pressure on myself to make videos of particular topics that I planned out instead of doing what felt natural. And I don't think that pressure is necessarily bad, it can be incredibly helpful when you want more structure and cohesion in your content, but when you're starting out and getting a feel for things or just beginning the habit, it can be a bit much. When trying to implement a habit, rather than focusing on what you need to do, focusing on doing something simpler like showing up can be much easier because you take the pressure off of things. I feel much more detached from outcome in this journal. It's like part of a person portfolio that I can look back at later and even if nothing comes from it externally, I still get something out of it internally during the process and at the end.

That would be interesting. I feel like I run into a Jordan Peterson thread on this forum like a couple times a month every month. There is a lot to unpack. This is a tangent but I'm wondering, is there going to be a video on shadow work and/or chakras?

I heard that Australia does something similar as well. I think over there when it comes to college they only look at your grades from your senior year and those grades are heavily impacted by a series of tests. We don't really have that here. We have to take the SAT or the ACT on our own outside of school and as for what grades get sent in, it's all of the grades from all four years. The good part about this is that it doesn't feel like all of your eggs are in one basket so like if you didn't as well as you normally do one year, the other years just balance it out. But when it comes to standardized testing, it doesn't impact your grade unless the teacher is like "ok I'm going to enter this in as a test grade" to incentivize students to not slack off. Standardized testing is mainly for the school district and for state and local funding. When it comes to writing, it felt weird when my professors were more lenient. For me personally, it didn't feel like I had to do a lot of unlearning rather it was more along the lines of "great I can do what feels more natural for me instead of confining my thoughts to a specific structure/formula." Also, while it can be confusing how different subjects and professors prefer a certain style over another, I low key like that because it lets me experiment and get outside of my comfort zone of how I normally write. I think it made me more versatile overall. Yeah that's kind of how I try to reframe the inconvenience and anxiety of figuring things out at the moment. I know I'm making progress when it comes to figuring out what I want, working through my limiting beliefs, working out my purpose etc. but sometimes I doubt that progress because I have yet to get a tangible affirmation of going in the right direction. Like I see my peers hit different milestones socially, academically, career wise etc. and sometimes I feel like I'm in hibernation still trying to get it together. I don't know when all of this is going to pay off and I will admit that part of me is rather impatient at this point lol. I know that I shouldn't rush that process because it won't really end well but it's this question of *what is all of this leading up to if anything?* Oh well, I guess it's just a matter of time and patience until I find out.