soos_mite_ah

I actually want to cry. I posted the previous post and then the page refreshed and posted the version I had 2+ hours ago. I'm going to edit the post tomorrow so that everything is included. But first i'm going to sleep because I'm upset and it's like 11 pm. edit: Thank god it didn't take away the notes I had from the video. I think that was the more time consuming part. Putting in my commentary in the various colors only took me a little more than an hour to get done

Puer Aeternus Part 1 Puer Aeternus is the Jungian archetype of someone who remains an eternal child. It refers to someone who remains stuck in adolescence and is essentially developmentally stunted. Dr. K describes this archetype over two different videos at length. I have taken notes on characteristics of this archetype by watching one of his videos. I also decided to add my own commentary whether it applies to my past self, my present self, other people I have encountered in my life, or other patterns I have observed. Tends to be charming / charismatic and childlike. They can be smart, quick witted and likable. As a result, some people can be easily impressed by them. They have a lot of potential and have bursts of creativity. While they may have a good start, their ability to execute and stick through things is lacking. They generally do not like sports which requires patience and long training. They have a hero complex An example that is laid out is this guy who decided to go through yogic training, learn to sleep outside, and go without food just because he doesn't like carrying the weight of a rucksack while hiking. He would rather do the absolute most than to do the mundane things that require responsibility. They can be heroic and magnificent, but they cannot be ordinary. They have this ego where they want to be grandiose but not do basic tasks. This causes them to be stuck in life. I feel like this encapsulates what I was like when I was in high school. I was relatively sociable once I got past the social anxiety. I was at the top of my class, creative, and had quick come backs to things. And I was pretty self aware for my age as well. I had a lot of adults say that they saw that I had a bright future ahead. But I did suck at sticking through things and having a regular sense of discipline. I could do an entire course's worth of work or memorize a shit ton of information just because I didn't want to do the basic task of taking notes, noting things down in a planner, or allocating my time effectively instead of leaving things to the last minute. I feel like I notice this hero complex phenomenon show up among a bunch of leftists that idealize revolution. Like they want something big to happen rather than do the boring work of organizing and phone banking. They don't like conventional situations. They ask deep questions and go straight for truth. They hate small talk. They're big talkers but they cannot show up for the little stuff in life. This felt like a description of my 14 year old self who fell into the tumblr rabbit hole of *normal people scare me* and *I don't like small talk, I want to talk about something deep like the mysteries of the universe and space.* I think I also went through a similar phase in my late teens when I was in a constant state of existential crisis lol. I learned that wasn't the way when I started to become the therapist friend and I started to trauma bond with people. That's when I learned the importance of small talk and showing up for the little things because of how it builds to the larger things in a more healthy and sustainable pace. This also reminds me of the leftists who talk about "direct action" rather than slowly building up the momentum and actually putting in the work to actually have political influence and affect outcomes. They have big dreams but when they try to live life, they're severely disappointed because they put life on a pedestal and they cannot put up with drab, monotony, boredom, or just everyday life. They might have a vision of writing a book for example but when they sit down to do it, they cannot get through the actual, sometimes boring work of actually writing the book. I have written about this in a previous post about a year ago. I was going to post a quote from it but I think the whole post is about this very thing. So I'm just going to link it and also summarize some key points instead. Basically, I think I had a more simplistic understanding of life and the way things were going to turn out at 17, especially pre COVID based on my expectations of adulthood at the time. I felt like I could do anything given that I was at the top of my class, I was sociable, and I was creative. I had a bit of a grandiose attitude of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. And I guess at the time of writing this, there was a part of me that wished that I could return back to the naiveity from when I was 17 where I didn't know how deep systemic issues were, where I didn't know about COVID and how that was going to impact things going forward. I feel like my corporate job was good at taking this tendency out of me. Because I still need to show up and fulfill my responsibilities even if I'm feeling off physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm still trying to find a good balance of pushing through vs taking a break but I do think that this job has helped me build my discipline muscle and that has seeped into other areas of my life. The cycle is as follows: They have a vision in life (they're filled with excitement and potential) > they engage in life > it gets boring, gruelling, and disappointing or something comes up > they get dejected and lose motivation The puer aeternus can work hard and can even work long hours for a stretch of time but what they cannot do is work on a dreary morning where one has to kick themselves into work. This was very much me in the earlier part of college. I had the capability to work hard, pull all nighters, and cram at the last minute but I couldn't maintain a steady sense of discipline. I felt like that came on when I was like 21/22 as my frontal lobe began forming more lol. Romantically they're looking for "the image of the mother- the image of the perfect woman who will give everything to a man and who is without any shortcomings- is sought in every woman. He is looking for a mother goddess, so that each time he is facinated by a woman, he has later to discover that she is an ordinary human being. Once he has been intimate with her, the whole facination vanishes and he turns away disappointed, only to project the image onto one woman after another." Basically, they're trying to find the perfect partner, they find someone, that person inevitably disapoints them with their humanness, and then they break things off to then find the perfect person again. This reminds me of the guys who basically wants a mother for a girlfriend- someone who will cook, clean, do basic house tasks and do basic adult responsibilites around the house that they never learned to do for themselves- but they can fuck them as well. And then, the moment she shows him that she's a person with needs, boundaries, a personality etc. he loses interests and tries to find another person. to continue the cycle with. This also reminds me of the people who have Bumble brainrot (platonically or romantically) where they don't try to develop healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Instead, they just ghost or cut the other person off because the next person, the perfect person, is just one swipe away. The thing is, even in healthy relationships, you're bound to encounter some kind of conflict and over time, people you have known for years are bound to annoy you at one point or another. And if it's a little annoying, you learn to self regulate. But if it's something that is really bothering you, you learn to have those difficult and awkward conversations so that y'all can work things out. I'm also glad that Dr. K later talks about dating apps in the video. They fear losing their potential. They have this notion that if they find the right circumstances, the right environment, the right job, that they can become superhuman. But the problem is that when they try to engage in life, the fantasy falls through and they cannot put in the actual work even if they're incredibly smart, creative, charismatic, etc. Becuase committing to something and making a choice means losing the potential of everything else. I feel like this was me in high school when I was trying to apply to colleges. I thought that if I went to the right place, that I would flourish and become this superhuman kind of person with a crazy work ethic. I was pretty disappointed with the college I actually ended up going to. But looking back, I don't think it would have made much of a difference in my educational attainment. I still got a good education and I still fell on my face regarding various things that came up. I feel like I dealt with that fear of losing my potential when I graduated college and things didn't go as planned. I had this image of myself and how college was going to go and my whole experience deviated from that. It was difficult and I had to work through that emotionally. And sure, it came with a lot of negatives (imposter syndrome and the such) but I think it helped me be more present and realistic for my expecations of my self and my life going forward. Dr. K describes some examples of the language he has encountered regarding this. "Oh, what should I major in? But if I major in this or if I date this person, if I major in this, what if it's the wrong choice? What if it doesn't work out? What if I don't like it? And they're so paralyzed by being trapped in the drab existence of reality. Like oh my god, if I have to debase myself to become a pleb, make small talk in a water cooler, in a cubicle, as a sheeple, I cannot tolerate that at all. They are pathologically incapable of making a commitment or making a sacrifice." They're terrified of losing options and feeling trapped in making commitments and accepting responsibilities. This causes them to feel like they aren't living life because they're kind of in the void. They're living a marginal life because they're swimming around in this transitional / exploratory place or they disengage and go back to their fantasy world. They have a bunch of half finished projects and things they have started, but nothing has come to fruition. I think committing to my partner and to my current job has helped with this fear of commitment. Sure, it isn't perfect but it is a good start. And while I cannot say that having surface level conversations and relationships with my coworkers and doing menial tasks is the epitome of fulfillment, I can appreciate these things for what they are and find beauty in that. I also think that this job has helped me deal with my executive dysfunction by the nature of the role that I'm in and I've found more appreciation over the little things in my life from the stability that this job has given me. Another cycle they get caught in is the following: They have a fantasy life > They fail to commit > They get freaked out because the possibilities are cut off > leads them to be in a perpetual loading zone as life continues to pass them by > Even if they don't make a committment, life forces them to choose (they might be forced into a job they hate and think is beneath them) > they half ass things > the thing is less than their fantasy > then they long for their fantasy > but there is no initiation because they cannot commit > they go back to the loading zone. I'm a little guilty of this. I think in relation to my job, life forced me to choose. I tend to half ass things at work because part of me thinks I'm too good for corporate and increasing shareholder value and instead I want to preserve my energy for more meaningful things. I wrote about in my linked post above on how I sometimes long for the fantasy of adulthood that my 17 year old self had. But thankfully, this doesn't stop me from committing or taking initiation and I don't go back into the loading zone. I think this is something I want to reflect on more. Common beliefs: In the perfect circumstances, my perfection will come out. The road to my dreams isn't 10-15 years of long drab work that won't come into fruition. I just need to find the right job, the right friends, the right partner etc. I feel like R and N are examples of this. They kind of have this view that if they have the right investments that they're going to get rich instead of putting money into a 401k and watch that gradually grow. Instead, they're crashing out over Tesla stocks lol. These two also bought houses very prematurely instead of saving over the course of years and now they're struggling. R is especially guilty of this. He has that delusional white man tendency where he overestimates his abilities at times. Don't get me wrong, he is competent. But applying for and jumping into a managerial position 6 months into a job and 6 months out of college is delusional. I'm not here to say that tenure is everything, but it is something because there are some things in a job that can only be picked up over time even if you have the skill set right now. They blame their circumstances rather than taking responsibility. They tend to blame their prior selves. Rather than correct their mistakes, they blame their prior selves and are like *oh if I didn't make xyz decision, I wouldn't be here* but they aren't going to make the right decision today. They think that they missed the boat on xyz skill/ milestone/ life stage and that there's nothing you can do about it. (think *oh I never had a relationship in high school, I'm so behind, I'm 25 with no experience, no one will love me, it's too late for me etc.* They'd rather do that than put in the boring work to catch up) I will admit, I'm sometimes guilty of this train of thought. However, I allow myself to grieve and then after that I come up with an action plan to address this. They have an image of themselves that is fragile. They might point to a physical of mental health thing as something that is debilitating. And sure, it might have some validity, but they don't follow up with *well, what are you going to do with that situation?* They use this as a excuse rather than a reason. They'd rather do some psychedelics and say they're cured or they would rather just stay in the suffering instead of doing the hard work and menial tasks required to overcome the situation. My roommate in college was like this in terms of their physical and mental health. Don't get me wrong, they were dealing with some serious shit. But they do have a tendency to moap and analyze all of the systemic reasons for their ills instead of addressing things. They did balance me out since I'm in the opposite end where sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to take responsibility. I do like how we balanced each other out. I feel like I have seen this pattern A LOT on this forum where a lot of guys would rather do psychedelics or some super human kind of self inquiry instead of doing the basic work to deal with their problems. Spiritual bypassing is not cute lol. They have a defensive arrogance where they have an inferiority/superiority complex. They have trouble finding the right kind of job or partner because nothing is ever quite right or quite what they wanted. There's always a hair in the soup. They feel superior to people even though they see that themselves as below them. Think of the incel who wants to date a 10/10 woman and not look at a woman who is just average even though they're lonely. Think of the person who is amazing at video games and loves to dunk on noobs but won't write a paper on theology in the 13th centrury because the paper is beneath them. I think that a lot of the problems I have at work feels like a hair in the soup. Sure, I don't like my job and I don't like the shenanigans of upper management, but I do have good opportunities here and I know the job market is rough at the moment. I'm not saying all of this to brush off the toxicity that is there in my work place but I am saying that I'm not just gonna quit because there is a handful of things going wrong. I also feel like the fact that my partner isn't my type is the hair in the soup while the fact that I have a really solid, happy relationship, that is the soup itself. Sure I want to explore and get a few things out of my system by temporarily opening the relationship, but depending on how conversations go, if he's not ok with that, it's not the end of the world. I'm not willing to sacrifice my good relationship for the sake of sexual fulfillment. I'm not trying to say that sexual fulfillment and dating someone you consider your type isn't important, but I am saying that it isn't important TO ME as much in the grand scheme of things. There are a lot of areas of my life that gives me fulfillment but sexual fulfillment isn't at the top of the list in regards to how it contributes to my overal satisfaction in life. The idea of wasting time is so terrifying for them that they never make a commitment. But then, not making commitment causes them to waste more time, thus leading them to the life they were afraid of in the first place. Thank god I didn't fall into this trap. I did encounter people who shortly after graduating they found themselves in the failure to launch category. I also had professors tell me that you might not find the perfect opportunity after graduation but doing something as opposed to nothing is better because even if you go with a less than perfect opportunity, you will still get some experience and some footing to find something better afterwards. Another fantasy they have is that there is an abrupt force that comes into your life that will force you to grow or die (because they cannot motivate themselves in a normal situation so they need something dramatic to push them into action). Either, I'm going to be something and be a hero, or I'll be dead (because they'd rather be dead than ordinary). I'm guilty of this. Sometimes, I fantasize about getting laid off so that it will force me to apply and get another job quickly. How do you fix this: Put in the boring work. Make sacrifices. Make commitments. Do that even if the gurantee of the work paying off is not present when you start the work. An example of the puer aeternus is the person who says "I want to work at a company, but I don't want to get an entry level position. I want a strategic position where my ideas will be respected." They cannot pay a cost without a gurantee of a gain. Focus on the cost rather than the gain. Focus on the reality instead of the fantasy. I think a lot of boomers had this mentality because for them, a college degree was a fast track to getting a really cushy job that wasn't entry level. And the fact that our generation cannot do the same was like hitting a brick wall for both generations to varying extents. I also had a moment when I first got my corporate job where I was like *I got this complicated ass degree only to be sending emails? I could have done this when I just graduated high school tf?* I feel like college can sometimes put work life and entry level jobs on a pedestal and make them more complicated that they are to where you feel delusional enough to think you're worthy of a strategic position right off the bat. But the truth it, most organizations are complicated and it takes time to learn the ins and outs of various departments and create the professional connections and competency to get a role like that. Don't be afraid of "settling." Focus on the loss of the possibilities and potential and work through that. Stop blaming yourself for falling behind in life and expecting some outlandish thing to fix things for you overnight and put in the gruelling work. I think my corporate job helped me not feel behind in life because I was in a mixed age environement where I wasn't just in a bubble with people my own age I could compare myself to. I think this job also helped me make peace with a sense of monotony and the skills that are built from that as well. Recognize that your real issues are internal. The issue isn't that you need to work towards a promotion, the issue is that you need to learn to grind. There is a tendency to focus on the heroic forms of growth. Dr. K uses the biohacking community as an example where instead of eating generally healthy and exercising, they need to biohack, optimize, and get more with less. Instead of doing what normal people do, they want to find a really specific protocol with special technology to create a special kind of health. Just eating basic foods and a little exercise here and there basically gets you to 95% of the path there. You might need an extra vitamin D supplement or something for the remaining 5% but you don't need to overcomplicate things. But that's the real question, why do you need to overcomplicate things and go to fantastical lengths? I know the video was mainly geared towards men but I do think that this applies to women in the wellness influencer space as well. Like Sydney, no, I don't need a 12 step skincare routine, expensive facials once a month, and botox. Most of us will be just fine with a face wash, moisturizer, sunscreen, and maybe tretonoin. No I don't need greens powder, a very specific diet, 30k steps, and a work out plan that only makes sense if you're unemployed in order to lead a healthy life. I just need to ensure that I'm eating enough food, get 20-30 min of movement in, drink water and maybe take a supplement. And sure, these healthy habits MIGHT cause you to lose weight for some people. But for a lof of people, they're going to get healthier but they won't lose weight. And that is alright. Not everyone is meant to live up to the fantasy of looking like a Victoria Secret model. Just because you don't look like a model becuse you have basic healthy habits doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your body and that you should starve yourself, or have a very elaborate wellness routine. There are people who, no matter what job you put them in, they do pretty well because their work ethic is right. There are people who have many successful relationships because they have good relationships skills/ good attachment style. Stop hunting for the right circumstance and start showing up as the right person. I feel like this is me with my relationships. Sure I was more of a late bloomer romantically but I think that I'm capable of being friends with a wide range of people in terms of their background and personality. And because I have a track record of good friends, that has helped me gain the relationship skills to be a good partner as well. I think this is me at work as well. I know that I have mentioned that I have a tendency to half ass things at work but I would say overall I have a decent work ethic relative to my coworkers. I feel like I'm half assing things but my boss is pretty happy with my quality of work. And I am proud of myself for excelling in something that I don't have a lot of passion in and that I show up to and fulfill the responsibilities of regardless of how I'm feeling that day. I met a guy like this in high school. Sure like everyone, he had subjects that he was better at and worse at, but he made it a point to excel everything and have a consistent work ethic. I'm not sure what he's doing right now, but knowing him, I'm sure he's doing well in whatever industry he has chosen to go into. Focus on small things. Do the little habits. Do the laundry, the dishes, etc. Be a normal adult lol. Alpha male podcast bros and hustle culture accounts LOOOVE to prey on people who don't want to basic small things and instead want to escape into the fantasy of like a guy in a sports car surrounded by women in bikinis. And then they say that you can get all of this if you just buy their course. These guys also shit on normal people who have working class jobs or have regular 9-5s. This reminds me of the alpha male morning routine where this guy started his morning at liek 3am and basically painted this fantasy of being super productive, aesthetic, and on the grind. But in the end of the video, it was his girlfriend who was doing the fundamental work of making him breakfast lol. I also found myself thinking about Ramit Sethi, a youtuber who makes videos on money management and improving your relationship with money, and how he hates the finance bros that overcomplicates money to where regular people are scared to learn about financial literacy. He also hates on how there are lot of people in the financial space that sells this idea that you cannot build a decent amount of wealthy if you're not an entrepreneur and he has a good amount of advice for people with regular 9-5 jobs. A more feminine coded version of this phenomenon is the woman who gets pregnant because of the fantasy of motherhood and how people put mothers on a pedestal but they don't want to do the basic shit of caring for the kid and ends up being negligent. They would rather coach their 3 year old to say something profound for 4 hours so that they can post that for views have people say what a great mother they are instead of changing diapers. They party, get plastic surgery, hold on to their youth, become influencer moms, instead of putting in the work of parenting. This reminds me of Huda from Love Island season 7. She kind of uses motherhood as a kink of sorts and it's really not adding up how she has the time to be wilding out the way that she is while having a kid at home. This also makes me think of the men who like the fantasy and prestige around being a husband and father but don't actually want to be either of those things. And then once they have a kid, all of the childcare falls on the shoulder of the woman and then they either work long hours or take on hobbies like golfing that takes them away from home so they can avoid their responsibilities and because they secretly hate their wife and kids. I personally haven't met people like this, but my friends in more high pressure jobs have. I also think that my own mother fell into this category as well. I think she liked the idea of motherhood much more than the reality and she projected a lot of fantasies on to how she wanted me to turn out. And since I fell short of that, as one does because they are human, she's often disappointed in me and while I do think she loves me, I don't think she likes me all that much. But don't also go so far the other direction to where you kill the child within you and you get stuck in the grind. The child within you isn't a bad thing. You need to have a balance with your inner child and discipline them. Creativity, spontaneity, playfulness is still important. I feel like this is something I had to learn last year. Once you get to working, there is no extended breaks for you to look forward to. Instead, you need to actively create things to look forward to and create your own traditions so that life doesn't run together and feel like a blob. Also, take your PTO. Chatter questions: "If someone is stuck in the classic puer aeternus state because society provides no rites of passage or stable adult roles, is it really their fault?" Does society provides no meaningful rites of passage? Are they all gone? Are there rites of passages that aren't meaningful? What's the difference between an empty rite of passage and a meaningful one? How do you define a rite of passage? It doesn't matter if it's your fault, it's your responsibility. Sure, these are decaying in society, but you need to craft meaning for yourself. Asking if it's your fault is the wrong question. The right question is what are you going to do about it? "Do I just need to force myself to do boring stuff." You need to ask why you need to force yourself in the first place. Deal with your issues with your motivation around boring stuff (hero complex, issues around commitment, fantasy of what could have been because you started to late, the fantasy of holding things at a pedestal, convenience/ efficiency culture etc.) This is something that I feel like I have been indirectly contemplating. "How does one get better at making sacrifices even for small choices? Sometimes I get stuck in this loop of trying to make a choice and it's so exhausting." Look at the sacrifice at multiple angles. Ask why you're such a miser with your resources and why you can't spend your resources. Why can't you afford to make a wrong choice? I think I had this problem more so when I was in high school/ college because I was afraid of falling behind from my peers and making mistakes that could cost me years of my life. I was afraid of that because I wanted to be happy and successful quick without struggling as much with dumb problems like my peers. Looking back, I do see the superiority complex that this reeks of. Because why am I exempt from making a couple dumb mistakes in my youth? Dumb mistakes are part of the age appropriate learning process. Why am I thinking so highly of myself to where I'm demanding perfection from myself? It's a shame that back then I felt like I had to have everything together because I didn't have the safety net to mess up, but while I used to look at that as a positive, now I'm seeing that it was kind of messed up. "What are some questions to ask yourself about your inability to close doors?" What's the problem with losing this possibility? Why do you need a perfect life? Why can't you have an ordinary life and why do you look down on it? For the puer aeternus, progress isn't the goal. They want a sense of completion, a sense of victory, a triumph rather than incremental movement. Start to see progress is enough and build a sense of contentment. They want pleasure and safety, not contentment. Because mad geniuses are never content, they are consumed by their brilliance. They want grandiosity, not ordinary existance. I remember in another Dr. K video on how he describes FOMO as a form of greed because the one thing you chose for yourself isn't enough and you feel like you need everything. So it's like, if you have a bunch of interests and you don't want to just choose one, why? If you can find joy in so many things, why is choosing one and sticking to it so scary? "I watch self help content but I cannot apply it. Why?" Self help content can give the illusion of progress without you doing anything. It's cognitively intense at times so you end up taking a break. But then you don't do anything. Don't ask that question to the content. Ask that question to yourself.

Nihilism Part 8: Anti-Intellectualism There is a Tiktok that I saw recently that said the following: I have an annoying ass coworker who gives off big cultural nihilism vibes. I'll call him N. N proudly admits that he hasn't read a single book fully since he was 16 years old (he's 26 now). N recently told me that he thought college, reading, and writing papers were all just pointless and doesn't teach you anything useful. Meanwhile, N is the type of person who gets scammed by crypto pump and dump schemes on a regular basis and folds like a lawn chair at the sight of a get rich quick scheme. N is the type of person to travel but never leave a resort or make an effort to learn something new about the place and culture he's in. N can be pretty selfish in the face of systemic issues where he only cares to the extent of which it affects him. I also get the vibe that he secretly idolizes Elon Musk solely on the fact that he's a billionarie given on how much he loves cybertrucks. But the good thing about N is that he's not antagonistic or like deeply entrenched in an ideology. Unlike R, I don't think N can really articulate his political views and falls more in the camp of being what I call politically incoherent. Like he gives more of a selfish dumbass who is more dangerous to himself than other people kind of vibe while R seems like a sketchy person outside of work who is more capable of hurting others. So my strategy of dealing with N is that I just lightly roast him and playfully make fun of his beliefs so that there is some degree of shame there lol. Like the other day, he went on this thing on how your life sucks after college and now you have responsibilities to our interns (who are seniors in college). And the way he was going about it, it was very much giving *I don't like having agency over my life, I don't care enough to excersise energy to make life meaningful, and I basically slacked off all through high school and college.* My response was "N, what responsibilities are you talking about, we are sending emails lmao. You're 26 acting like you're life is over and you have a foot in the grave! You're gonna be young for a while and there is so much you can do and experience in the mean time." And then I told the interns just some typical challenges you encounter right after you graduate and how there are a lot of opportunity to use that to your advantage within those challenges. Like, I didn't say it was easy but I did say that having agency over your life and what you want to create doesn't have to be scary and it's something that can be incredibly freeing. Another time, he went this whole thing about how he loves cybertrucks and I just told him that those cars low key look like dumpsters and if he decides to get one, he should watch out for the raccoons that typcially try to attack them. I also compared the car to bad ps4 graphics. I sometimes feel like if I was open about my opinions at work, I would have people like N either not comprehend a single word I'm saying and have it all go over their head or be told that *it's not that deep* or *why do you care, it doesn't personally affect you.* I feel like the people like R would say something about me being over educated, out of touch, and not practical enough and paint the fact that I'm more informed in a topic instead of falling for conspiracies as me flaunting a sense of elitism. Or the people like R will say something like *you're just over thinking, nothing ever happens, you're being dramatic." Like, the over all vibe that I get from a lot of my coworkers are that these are the people who probably didn't take school seriously at all and they all just did the bare minimum to skate by with Bs and Cs. And as a result, they're apathetic, don't have a decent work ethic, and/or fall for half baked conspiracy theories instead of rubbing two braincells together and learning how the world works. Like there is a reason why both R and N get along and make similar life decisions. They also both impulsively bought houses without property running the numbers just because they qualified for the mortgage. And, I'm not trying to judge them for their priorities as someone who isn't super pro home ownership, but I think both of them are bought into the propoganda of home ownership in the sense they thing it's the only way to build wealth. Little do they know, that house is gonna come with a bunch of home improvment issues over the years, your electric and AC id going to be more expensive, you're gonna spend more money furnishing the place, and you're gonna have to deal with things like property taxes, HOA fees etc. And all of that adds up and even if your home becomes really valuable and you sell it way above the amount that you pay for, the amount you gained over time is overstated because it doesn't factor in the hidden costs I have explained above. And both of them are finding out the hard way by making decent salaries (I get paid roughly the same amount) but they're eating ramen noodles every night. Homeownership is one example. I wouldn't be surprised if they bond over dumb bro science off to the side where I cannot hear them. And sometimes I wish I could go up to them and be like *that's not how any of this works you dumb bitch.* The ignorance and lack of desire to learn anything in a credible way is not completely their fault. I feel like the way they think also ties in to my previous post on how the information environment as of now is just a wreck. This is the vibe that I wish I could bring into corporate: It's so satisfying to hear her call people a dumb bitch. I don't know what it is lol.

I was rewatching both of the spiral dynamics videos and I'm trying to pinpoint the difference between being triggered at yellow vs being triggered at green. If you need a refresher of what the triggers are, I found a couple of good posts that highlights it so that you don't have to shift through the original videos: Here is a short list of some Stage Green triggers: Injustice and inequality Oppression of minorities The status quo and hierarchies of power When religion is used to justify oppression Human rights abuses Racism Bigotry Fascism Neo-Nazis The K K K Unchecked capitalism Consumerism Corporate Greed Here is a short list of Stage Yellow triggers: The blindness and infighting of tier 1 Yellow will feel frustrated of the lack of progress and backwardness that exists all around the world! As a Yellow person you will rarely find likeminded individuals, you won't be represented in the media, on the internet, in politics, you have to be prepared for a world which isn't ready to accommodate you! Black and white thinking, because Yellow is exactly the opposite which is means Yellow is a nuanced thinker Non-Systemic thinking, people who think too short term Excessive rationalism, reductionism, scientism People who turn science into a religion or dogma Frustrated will all kinds of dogmatic and ideological people Conformity and groupthink Polarization Demonization Radicals and radicalization People who don't understand spiral dynamics Consumerism and profiteering Religion can trigger Yellow I guess my thing is that if a stage yellow person is triggered by demonization and the infighting of tier 1, wouldn't that also yield them to be triggered at the face of racism, human rights abuses, and the KKK since those are forms of demonization and by products of the infighting of tier 1? I'm sure there is some overlap (consumerism shows up in both for instance) between what triggers green vs what triggers yellow since we're in a very stage orange and blue heavy world. But I'm just trying to draw the distinctions between the two stages. Is it the degree of emotionality they exhibit when they are "triggered." How are we defining being "triggered?" Is it the way that they conduct themselves and utilize things like conflict resolution and conflict management skills?

I think it mainly comes down to living for happiness vs living for fulfillment, meaning, and challenging yourself to do more. The things mentioned above can also manifest in fulfilling and meaningful ways but that's something you need to come to your own conclusions for and craft a life accordingly rather than passively go on the path of least resistance. Religion can be a big source of meaning for a lot of people and manifest in a healthy way but that doesn't mean that it's the answer for everyone and their source of meaning. And a strong family and social ties are pretty important imo regardless of how much of a normie life you want to ascribe to or not since as people we're hardwired to connect with others, even if it's something little as engaging on a forum.

That's fair. I wouldn't be surprised if there has been a spike since COVID and how that has given rise to even more lonliness and isolation. At the same time, I highly doubt that it spiked from 11% to like 30% or more. I would estimate at most like just under 20% and that's being generous.

You don't have to answer this but did you ever get a diagnosis? Because unless you get an offical diagnosis from a doctor, whether you're part of a study or you're talking casually among friends, it's self diagnosis. That could also be self selection bias. Birds of a feather ya know. I mean if it's totally anonymous, I can see more people being honest since nothing is at stake. I do get the biases that can come from self diagnosis or a lack thereof though such as people miscontruing what actually counts as an addiction clinically to where they're either assuming they have an addiction when they don't (i.e. moralizing the one time they watched porn) or they are in denial of the addiction to themselves. I read through the study and it looks like they do try to control for that by adding additional questions to the reporting such as the frequency of usage and their attitude towards porn.

I'm not doubting that majority of men (and a good chunk of women) view porn. But as far as an addiction is concerned, about 11% of men have a porn addiction. I think I also saw numbers as high as 15%. It's not the majority that has an addiction. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7044607/ And whether or not porn is addictive I feel like can come down to the medium more than the notion of porn itself. Porn has been around since the beginning of time but internet porn is a relatively new phenomenon. I think internet porn is uniquely more addictive than other forms tbh. I don't blame people for becoming addicted to internet porn but I am saying that less addictive options exist. I do believe that internet traffic numbers is calculated using the number of visitors and the number of pages they visit. So I wouldn't be surprised that the 11% of men who have the addictions comprise of like 70% of the traffic.

The Current Information Environment AI, algorithms, and the proliferation of short form content gives me an existential crisis. I feel like it's really fucking with people's ability to process life and make sense of the world around them. I feel like I have been venting about AI in my journal. I don't think that AI is all bad but it does freak me out the way that it is being used to offload basic human qualities like critical thinking and creativity that give people fulfillment to a machine. It freaks me out the way that automaticing every aspect of our lives diminishes our direct relationship with life and the world around us. It freaks me out the way that I have watched videos before that I were convinced were of real people and it turned out to be AI. It freaks me out on how this type of technology is going to be used to replace people or underpay them instead of creating more free time for all of us. It freaks me out on how much low quality slop content is going to be produced by this and how that will impact us intellectually as a collective. And it freaks me out that whether you're trying to be media literate or not, you can easily fall victim to the deception of AI. And the illusions are only going to get better, and by that I mean it's gonna get worse for our ability to be epistemically grounded in reality until there are some actual regulations put in place. The algorithms freak me out the way that you can easily get into weird pipelines and also develop anti-social views around people. Like, I see this shit happening to the people around me in real life and especially with my friends who I know well enough to know their heart and what they're suceptible to, I feel like I'm on high alert so that the people I care about don't get wrapped up in some kind of toxic, self destructive ideology. I feel like this video sums things up well: And also, it does freak me out the way that using social media has become a ubiquitous way of turning your brain off. Because there is a lot of weird ass content out there and you don't want to be consuming or further perpetuating that when your media literacy brain is off. Like the time that you need to be using your critical thinking skills the most is to combat against internalizing toxic beliefs is the time when people are least likely to use said critical thinking skills because especially if you're mindlessly scrolling on Tiktok, you're being very passively spoon fed content and god knows what you'll encounter after liking a heated post or two. This passivity that latches on to people when they just want to turn off their brain is a breeding ground to the cultural nihilism where people aren't even looking up / fact checking basic information because they're in a numbed out state where they don't feel the need to. Like, we make fun of the boomers dissassociating in front of Fox News and the 24 hour news cycle but honestly, are we any better given these algorithms and the way we doomscroll the news on social media? Then, you have short form content. I feel like it's kind of a joke that a lot of us have gold fish level, 8 second attention spans now a days but honestly, we gotta take this more seriously. Why tf are there college English majors struggling to read full length books? Why do I sometimes I have issues with watching a whole ass movie without checking my phone? Why are video essays my main form of information intake and how has that been affecting me? How does the TikTok algorithm where I see one video on the genocide in Gaza, and then the next video is someone ranting about an alpha male podcast bro, and the next video is of a influencer trying to sell me greens powder, and the next video is of someone making memes of World War 3, and the next video is of a cute little raccoon, impact my brain and it's ability to process emotions that come up? English majors struggle to read full length books because most of the reading we do on a day to day is in the form of articles or in the form of passages/ exerpts you read in class to prepare for standardized testing. It's the most efficient way of taking in information. And as a result, a lot of people don't have the same kind of reading stamina they would have if they were regularly reading 800 page books. I have issues watching a while movie or even reading fiction becuase my attention span is shot by short form content and there is a part of me that wants to be spoon fed concepts and intake the media equivalent of Soylent instead of taking the time to enjoy the artistic quality of something that is meant to be savored more slowly and intentionally. The video essays are an easy way to take in information where I don't have to actively use my head and pay attention to parse together words and I can just have something educational play in the background. This video and the state of education stresses me tf out: I also wrote about this in a previous post in response to the video above: Finally, the tiktok algorithm and the way that it juxtaposes various types of videos in one place is also fucking with my ability to process world events in a healthy way because everything feels distracting and is pleading for my attention. Like why tf did the LA ICE protests happen last week but now, no one is talking about it? It's because we have to get to work, act like nothing is going on to function in our systemically dysfunctional lifes. It's because now the 24 hour news cycle moved on to the fuckery happening in Iran because this administration is a chaos machine. It's because there are a million other things begging for our attention from over consumption, dumb memes, culture war talking points, and so much more. I think that on top of the fact that we're desensitized to uNPreCEdeENTeD events from things happening back to back, that the demands of regular life and the juxtaposition of the information itself plays a role in our ability to actually sit with the horrors taking place and acknowledge them for the graveness they possess without feeling like we have to swiftly move to the next thing. And I think when we're inundated with information like this to where we don't have the room to process it intellectually and emotionally, that becomes a breeding ground for cultural nihilism and this feeling that nothing matters. Because in an environment life that, nothing does matter because we don't give it room to matter and affect our soul. Ulitimately, the information age is dizzying and unregulated and as a result, it's giving way to the disinformation age. Our critical thinking skills are offloaded. People are taking in information without a critical thought with no effort between their braincells. Short form content is fucking our attention spans to where we cannot take in longer, nuanced content or enjoy things in a normal pace any more. And all of this is so dizzying that I feel like I cannot emotionally process the world around me. And that is happening to me as someone who is trying to critically engage and be concious of what's happening so that I don't get swept by the current of information. I'm trying to swim upstream and I'm still flowing down the river. Imagine what this is doing to somone's brain who is not trying to put up a fight at all and how far down the stream they have gone.

I also feel like you're more likely to get Yes as an answer on this forum because of the guys who have porn addictions in this website and they're more likely to point to the ills of porn itself rather than take responsibility that they misused it in an unhealthy way.

We Need a Stage Green President Before a Stage Yellow President This is not a new realization. By the logic of the sprial, you need to integrate the previous stages and go through the current stage rather than skipping too far ahead. I got that understanding in my personal development when I tried to jump too far ahead to Turquoise a few years ago which messed me up in a bunch of ways. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that felt impatient when it came to spiral development on a collective level. And I can't say that there isn't a part of me that still isn't impatient tbh because my bias is wanting to move up sooner rather than later for the benefit for everyone. I'm not exactly excited about the collective ego backlash that has been the 2020s pop culture so far. But upon further reflection, upon further research in effective rhetorical methods in the current political environment, it feels pretty evident that we need to have a full stage Green cycle and stay in tier 1 before jumping to Yellow and beyond, as exciting as that might be. I discussed the issue with how nuance is being weaponized to justify and cultivate complacency and stagnancy through overthinking instead of advocating for bold action in a more conscious direction. I discussed it in the post below: We're in a place where Stage Orange (and to a lesser extent Blue) is cultivating a brainrot in the general population to where a chunk of this country is not even opperating on the same reality of facts. I'm specifically singling out Orange because that's our center of gravity at the moment. And while that does need to be integrated and that is the process we're on given this ego backlash, we also need to push past this into Green to save the economy, to save the working class, to save trans people, to save the climate, to save the Palestinians, and more. I've also seen instances where hyperintellectualism was also weaponized in educational circles to ignore current pressing issues. I think the Israel-Palestine Conflict is a perfect example of this. It's very obvious who the aggressor with the more power (and therefore has disproprotionate amount of responsibility in the violence) is. But as people are actively being bombed, starved, raped, and tortured in Gaza, there are universities that are still trying to parse out the nuances of how to solve this conflict. Don't get me wrong, while this is not a morally complicated issue, solving this is logistically messy in terms of populations, propoganda, powerful actors with money etc. and how to coordinate all of those parties together. Having in depth nuanced conversations has a time and place. And the time and place isn't when there is an active genocide happening. You need to have a hard line in cutting support for Israel off financially, fuck what the AIPAC money says, combat the pro Israeli propoganda that is dehumanizing the Palestinians, and demand a ceasefire first. You need to put the current fire out first before you go to the drawing board to figure out how to build a new structure. You cannot actively plan on what to build while withholding water as the flames fan out. That's not constructive. Now is not time to have detailed nuanced conversations with people who are either not going to engage in good faith or not capable of engaging in a meaningful way. Now is the time to shame conservatives and make them embarrassed to have the positions they have, not to the point where they go into the shadows and create their own communities to breed toxic ideologies, but to the point where they're ashamed to the point where they don't even feel comfortable reaching out to people. They need to be ashamed to the point where they have to take a very long hard look in the mirror. Meeting people with understanding in situations where they are militantly against anything constructive in this country is not a display of strength to them, rather they will see it as a source of weakness that they can point to as a victory. Sometimes, you need to bully people back because they're not going to respond to reason but they'll respond to a bruise to their ego and their emotions. Nuance and academic language isn't going to power people up to act in times when people need to be passionate. And a stage Yellow leader or politician is not going to do that. But a militant stage Green leader or politician will passionately advocate for their positions, not fall victim for ceeding ground, and have the appropriate amount of anger and contempt to meaningfully challenge the stage Orange opposition rather than trying to integrate/ capitulate to them. Because even if you want an integrative solution right at this moment, given the current polarization and backlash, you're not going to be able to engage with these parties (corporations, media, billionaires etc.) in a healthy, constructive, and good faith way because those parties are long gone in the excesses of Orange. At this point, you need to call them tf out and regulate the shit out of them. World War 2 was when this country switched over from having stage Blue being the center of gravity to stage Orange being the center of gravity. Don't get me wrong, the 1950s was still very Blue, but it was mainly after the decolonization of the post war era, the unprecendented degree of wealth the U.S. saw from the 50s to the 90s, the automation and the simplification for the sake of efficiency in manufacturing etc. that we moved into mainly Orange. The Civil War marked when this country moved to Blue as the center of gravity as it let go of slavery (mainly Red) and as the wild west started to diminish as westward expansion and regulation extended. There was a good amount of Blue here in prior to the Civil War and there was a good chunk of Red immediately after, but there was a meaninful shit on which took center stage. I don't know what the fuck we're going through right now, but after this tumultuous time, once things settle down, we're going to be in a much more stage Green world and Orange will take more of a second seat like Blue did in the 50s. And we can only get through this season of chaot with someone who is militantly passionate in Green rather than a more subdued Yellow. Don't get me wrong, Yellow is still important and it's important that we continue to cultivate that. But now it's not the time for Yellow to blossom and take center stage. It's the time to plant seeds and conserve pockets of Yellow in the same way Green was cultivated and preserved years ago before it was ready to take center stage. I'm talking very broadly and collectively here. If you're dealing with individuals who are more Orange/Blue, that's something you have to learn to deal with on a case by case basis depending on the context of the interaction, how far gone they are, your relationship to them, etc. Don't go off on regular dumbasses and be socially stupid because you have tried to have conversations you're not socially adept enough at having lol.

I voted no Pros for Porn: Can decrease assault as it gives people an outlet less stigma for sex can be an outlet to explore desires and creativity depending on the type of porn Cons: irresponsible usage of porn getting exposed to it when you're underaged and as a result you have a dependence and have a distortion of what sex,sexuality, and relationships realistically look like addictions especially when it comes to internet porn and how it's exaggerated to continue to feed dopamine receptors (some people start craving seeing more and more violent and crazy scenes or they have a very distorted view of what women typically look like for example). using porn as an escape from regular life and getting dependent on it to regulate emotions to where you're neglecting your regular life. the sex work industry as it is now where people are getting pimped out, tapes and nudes are getting leaked, predating on people with vulnerable life circumstances, the lack of respect sex workers get to where the law doesn't really protect them and employers discriminate against them, actors not getting paid enough etc. I know that my pros look shorter than my cons list but I still voted no because it's the porn itself that is the problem rather it's the irresponsible usage and the way it plays into the existing issues with the sex work industry. Even if you get rid of porn, the issues with the sex work industry will still be there tbh. And the way that I interpreted this, is that porn can be a variety of things. It can range from explicit novels, your standard PH explore page, paintings from the 1800s, Only Fans, or hell, cave drawings and clay carvings from ancient civilization. Porn has always been here in one form of another and it's not that porn that is the issue but it's more so about the medium, the way it's used, and the industries it interacts with.

@Schizophonia interesting.. why do you think that is?

Not really. But there is aggression from both sides involved in the fantasy as it is hate sex lol. idk, maybe I'm type casting him based on personality lmao

Not really, or that hasn't been my personal experience. I've had the same tastes for more of a swtich dynamic before and after birth control. The lack of birth control honestly just messes with my sex drive more than anything. Like before birth control, it would just have random spikes but when I'm on birth control, it's more steady. Like sure, before all of this happened I thought R had a beautiful voice and a decent body, but I didn't get the same kind of arousal as I did when I was off birth control. It's like the difference between looking at an apple and thinking it looks good vs actually being hungry for an apple even if you don't typically like apples. I also think with this person, the stars just kind of aligned in a weird way for like 2 weeks because I was dealing with hormonal fluctuations, an existential crisis, and his body changed more so in a way that aligned with my preferences. Similarly with L, it's kind of like having strawberries be one of your favorite fruits and you have it a normal amount but then suddenly, you're just craving it out of no where where you're boxes of strawberries each week.

I agree, it's not always a trauma thing and painting it as such just pathologizes sometimes normal human desires and tendencies and creates shame where you can't be honest with yourself of your partner. Like sometimes, it's just a kink or fantasy lol. There are men who like to be submissive just like women lol. It's not really gender thing but I guess patterns exist due to what we consider normal and how we socialize people. At the same time, it can be a trauma thing for some people but that's something that the person dealing with the fantasy has to determine for themselves and come to their own conclusion on or have a therapist look into things if things are serious. Something as personal as sexual fantasies, unless they're really egregious (something super violent, plays on racist stereotypes, wanting to actually violate consent, hypersexuality / not taking necessary precautions etc.) and it escalates from a fleeting thought to actively wanting to act on it, is not something for strangers on the internet, spiritual or otherwise, to determine if its coming from a place of trauma. Like I know for me personally, I tend to switch between being the more dominant and being the more submissive partner sexually depending on my mood. I do have my preferences of guys who look a certain way. And there are some sensual experiences that I like during sex that have nothing to do with trauma upon further introspection. However, when I was younger, I did have a fantasy of going for much older guys (think 8-13 years older than me) and I know that wasn't coming from a healthy place. It was a mix between the biases I grew up with, feelling like I couldn't relate to people my age because of how my trauma at the time aged me, and a sense of conditioning where older guys tend to hit on me because I looked older so as a result, I began to associate desire with older men. Thankfully, I never encountered a predator and these guys would back tf off when they realized how young I was and I didn't act on any of these feelings. But I did give myself the time and space to explore those fantasies in a healthy way, figure out where they're coming from, and honor what was coming up. That said, being into older partners isn't always a trauma thing. Sometimes it's just being young and looking up to people or sometimes, you just like the way some people look as they get older. Sometimes, after you get older, 5-8 years of a difference isn't as much of a big deal and there isn't an undercurrent of weirdness there in terms of power dynamics regarding the overall dynamic. I agree. I think the binary of domination = winning VS submission = losing is a part of the patriarchial framework to a certain extent. Like, I've heard of stories of insecure guys getting defensive when their female partner wants to do something nice for them and get them a present or pay for dinner, or the woamn is having a more active role in sex and is more dominating in the dynamic. At the same time, there is a difference between talking about this in the context of sex between consenting adults versus the overall relationship dynamic one has (I'm sure you get it, but just throwing it out there for the incels on this forum who maybe reading this lol).

I'm glad this amuses you lol. I'm still contemplating on deleting this post depnding on how embarrassed I feel That sounds great! Happy for you.

What I Get Out of Internet and Social Media So I have been trying to cut down on my social media usage and how much I'm online in general. I watched a good HealthyGamerGG video that was talking about how if you want to overcome a video game addiction or social media addiction for example, you want to figure out what psychological need the video game is fulfilling and then go out in the world and replicate that in a more sustainable way in real life. I want to reflect on that more. I also liked this quote from the video from 15:15 to 15:39: I really like the phrase "balance is chasing inefficiency" in this context because it ties in what i talked about on how convenience and optimization culture and how it sucks the fulfillment out of life: Anyways, here is my reflections on Dr. K's video: 1. Educating myself: I feel like the reason why I watch hours of video essays and watch tiktok takes is because it leaves me feeling more educated. And I think there is a basis of reality in that feeling because I'm pretty well informed with what's happening in the world since I'm not just taking in slop. I love learning about politics, different social issues, and different cultures from the content I consume. I also think that educating myself leads me to feeling like I'm doing something to further the social causes I care about because I'm expanding my consciousness, I'm posting about things, and that kind of educational content allows me to have conversations with people irl. Ways to educate yourself and engage politically without the internet: Read + volunteer + phone bank + protest + go to city hall meetings 2. I feel like I need a break and turn my brain off: Sometimes I want to see something silly or scroll endlessly for an hour or so to decompress from work or to decompress from being outside all day Ways to turn your brain off without the internet: Go on a walk, work out, draw/ paint, dance around in your room, have sex, meditate, take a short nap 3. A feeling of connection through parasocial relationships and by being in the know for different trends: I noticed that I tend to not be on social media or the internet when I have a full social schedule. I think sometimes, I resort to certain types of content for the sake of relating to others who have similar views and interests and wanting to be relatable and in the know with what's happening with pop culture. Ways to feel more connected to people: go into the office and talk to your coworkers, socialize with your friends more often by calling them, hang out with your significant other, talk to strangers, join your local DSA. I also have a few goals / strategies I'm employing to combat my sense of nihilism that is being exacerbated by me being on my phone: Read one book every 1-2 weeks: started on this goal but I cannot say I have been doing a good job tbh. Replace your current iphone with a Blackberry that doesn't have social media: I've tried to delete the apps, log out, or have limits on the apps but none of these have worked. So I'm going to switch over to a Blackberry for a few months to see how that works out. Plus i've seen some videos of people switching out their smart phone or a dumb one and that has helped heal the brain rot. Phone bank: I've only done this once so far and it's been great Protest: I find that this is helpful in processing collective grief. I also think it's fun to paint various signs. Close your eyes for like 15-20 min instead of scrolling when you feel like you need to decompress after work or after you get home from being out and about Get back into the habit of working out: helps me turn off my brain and lets me physically engage with life more Later, I want to start volunteering, start doing to DSA meetings, be more active in local politics. I also want to socially be out there more and have more friends who resonate with me. And one day, I want to move to a walkable city. That all sounds like a lot at the moment so I'm going to focus on the handful of things I listed above.

Finding the Fire in My Soul Again + Horny Thoughts: As I have been trying to work out my feelings around cultural nihilism and the way that the nihilism manifests for me personally, I have been dealing with some interesting emotions as of late. Here is a brief overview over my existential crisis about igniting the fire in my soul again : I have been kind of throwing things at the wall to see what will work in terms of bringing this spark back into my life. Basically, my strategy for now is literally do anything except scroll on social media. Read a book. Write in your journal. Dance to music alone in your apartment. Hang out with people. Jack off. Cook something from scratch and try a new recipe. Sit in silence when you feel like decompressing instead of zoning out on Tiktok. Watch an Al Pacino movies on silent. Get coffee and talk to the barista. Do a work out class. Idk, just do literally anything to actively engage with life. Inconvenience and using your energy is not going to kill you or drain you but excessive convenience might in the same way that your brain and body decays not by using them but by not using them. At the same time, about a month or so ago, I've dealt with a situation where I ran out of birth control and it took some time before my doctor got the prescription together so that I can get my medication again. As a result, I had a two week period where I wasn't on birth control. And since I have a hormonal imbalance that the birth control regulates, those two weeks threw me off. Thankfully, I didn't deal with many side effects other than breaking out a little more and having some low energy here and there which is a minor inconvenience. But the thing that has been fucking me up is the way that those two weeks threw off my sex drive and messed with my sense of attaction to men. Basically, I have been hornier than usual and i'm thinking of people in ways that I typically don't. And I think I'm going to write about it here so I can process that lol. The first person I want to talk about is my coworker who I'm going to call R. R is a gym rat who doesn't season his chicken and I kinda thought he looked weird for the longest time because he kind of reminded me of this hairless cat both interms of his physique and his vanity/body image issues: But recently, he's been kind of stressed at work so as a result he hasn't been hitting his protein goals and working out in the way that he normally does. I can tell because he's been complaining about that and because he now looks more like a normal person since he has thinned out a bit. R is one of those naturally skinny guys who basically has to do crazy shit to maintain a yolked appearance. In other words, the man has lost weight, looks more like his normal self, and as a result, i'm not getting uncanny valley, hairless cat vibes from him. Instead, in my opinion, he looks pretty good and kind of toned. R also has a really attractive voice in my opinion. He has a southern accent and this deep soothing voice that is at the same time kind of authoratative. Even if I don't really like him as a person and physically he reminded me of the hairless cat video, even in the first day of this job, I always got a little flustered talking to him because he has such a beautiful voice. Given my line of work, this is also like the perfect customer service voice since angry clients do need to be calmed down but at the same time you can't just be a pushover lol. R is also kind of stoic, cold, and stern personality wise. This is not the type of guy I'm usually into. But I think that I'm into him now because 1. birth control is making me act weird and 2. because my current partner is the opposite of all of those things. My current partner, X, is very silly, warm, nurturing, kind, and playful. That's what I love about him and that's what makes our relationship fulfilling because it compliments my personality while also being a good fit for me emotionally. I guess the way I would describe it is that X is like a chocolate lava cake that is the start of the show is warm, sweet, and has a lot going on for you to enjoy. But when I'm enjoying a lava cake, I do crave ice cream on the side to complement the lava cake. I probably wouldn't crave vanilla ice cream if the lava cake wasn't there. In other words, R is the ice cream. It's not necessarily his personality that I find attractive rather it's the contrast of what I typicaly go for. Here's the problem with R. R is a conservative who has said a bunch of questionable shit at work. While he's not a die hard Trump supporter, he has mentioned that he has a few friends who have a shrine dedicated to Trump and by the sound of it, the man wasn't joking. He also seems to have questionable morals around women or at the very least hangs out with questionable people. R has mentioned that he's afraid of getting falsely accused of abuse or rape which had me raise and eyebrow. Either he has done something questionable, the people he knows has, or he has no sociological understanding of the likelihood of a woman coming with these claims. R also made a comment about passport bros and it's unclear on exactly which side he's on, whether he's acknowledging the power dynamic between having a money and coming across a woman in a third world country, or he's fantasizing about being in that position to "easily change girl's life with $20." Given his history, I'm unfortunately willing to bet the later. And while he is the type of person I don't want to associate with myself outside of work, I have learned how to work with him and not be weird in social setting where he's there. He's weird character and questionable morals politically thankfully isn't bleeding into the way that he professionally carries himself so it's not like he profiling people, spreading gossip, being opprotunistic with upper management, or being shady throwing members of our team under the bus. I actually respect R's work ethic and the way that he professionally stands up for himself and others. In other words, he doesn't seem like a total dumbass. On top of his questionable character, R is also in a relationship. I have no interest in pursuing R since 1. I'm not a homewrecker, 2. I don't want to fuck a conservative, 3. I don't want to throw my current relationship in the trash and hurt someone I care about, and 4. I don't want to fuck up my career trajectory and reputation. That man has HELL NO written all over him, attractive physique and voice aside. Like sure, I fantasize about him bending me over and telling me what to do and having hate sex, but the fleeting thought of acting on it or getting into a relationship (platonic, romantic, fwb) with this guy has me feeling like this cat: Then there is my professor from like 6 years ago. I'm going to call him L. I had a pretty long period where I fantasized about this man until I found someone who had a similar personality and was more appropriate to date. He was a placeholder of sorts and I didn't want to act on it. I stopped thinking about this guy once I got into my current relationship, but I never stopped finding him attractive. He kind of looked like Al Pacino in THE 70s (not to be confused with Al Pacino in HIS 70s) except he was a couple shades darker (L is South Asian, not Italian lol) and had more body hair. L is the only person that I have found attractive without any prior emotional attachment. He was so beautiful. He had this gorgeous wavy hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. He also did the slutty thing that guys do which is roll up his sleeves. Like deadass, I am this meme. He also had softer facial features, full lips, and really expressive dark brown eyes. I also like darker features in general. I'm not really into guys who are overly masculine looking (like no giga chads for me lol). And on top of all of this, he is a short king! I like shorter guys (think around 5'5" to 5'8") because I'm on the shorter end and it just feels more proportional. And not to be gross, but I feel like if you have a big height difference with your partner, that certain sex positions just don't work or is logistically harder to do. I feel embarrassed that I'm still thinking about L after so long to where a lot of this is just hard write (I'm probably gonna delete this post and keep it private, idk). My type is men who look like this: My current partner on the other hand looks more like a young Ryan Gosling. Don't get me wrong, I am attacted to X, but he's not my type. I'm not one to reject someone for superficial reasons. I'm comfortable with compromising my preferences but I don't compromise my standards. Like I might like shorter guys, but i'm not going to reject someone if they're taller (my man is like 6'1"). And X is the only person I have ever been with. We are each others' first and only everything. I have talked about this with my partner about how we are both late bloomers and we're each other's first everything. And since neither of us are particularly jealous and possessive, we are open to the idea of an open relationship upon further discussion. I'm pretty satisfied with my relationship with X and I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong in our relationship. I'm just kind of in a place where I want to explore. I have a higher sex drive due to the birth control messing with me. I feel more confident and present in my body since having the surgery. And that is also making me want to put myself out there more instead of hiding away in shame of how I'm perceived. I have this urge to put myself out there whether that means dancing and going out more, or flirting with people. I think part of it is that I want to cultivate a more passionate and engaged life given the existential crisis i'm going through. There is a good Tiktok that I saw about how society right now is in this weird place where people are hypersexualized but there is a sense of prudishness due to a lack sensuality. There is a phrase that really harks on this sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. We chase perfection in terms of societal beauty standards but we lose a sense of humanness along the way. Like who tf is having sex after a 10 step skin care routine and after you put on 5 products for your morning shed?!?! The creator of the Tiktok was talking about how as romance author, it's very easy for her to find graphic sex scenes in romance novels but those books doen't a do a good job at capturing the sensuality and the build up of everyday life and the relationship dynamic. And ultimately, this lack of sensuality is coming from a place of not being present in our lives and in our bodies, in being disengaged with life itself. With L, and I guess guys who look like L like young Al Pacino, I feel like there is an itch that hasn't been scratched because I've never done anything with a guy who was my type. With R, I think there is a desire to explore different personality types and relationship dynamics than what I'm used to. But there are some things that are stopping me from having the conversation to open up my relationship. I don't know how much of this is just the birth control making me act weird. This could just be a phase that lasts a couple months. I know that the moment that I started on my birth control, I stopped being attracted to R. I still think his voice is beautiful, but I'm not fantasizing about him anymore (and thank god because the cognitive dissonance was NOT FUN) I'm not super confident in my sexual performance to do anything with other guys other than my partner. I get tired kind of easily. I'm not super into giving head. I like cuddling more than having sex. And penetration is either not pleasurable at best or painful at worst (it's mostly physiological rather than psychological. Like I'm turned on and relaxed but it still doesn't feel great). And I think a lot of guys would look at me like I'm sexually awful in bed. As much as I want to explore guys who look different and who have different personalities, I feel like a lot of men do not pass my standards in terms of character, especially given the current political climate. I don't trust strangers to have access to my body especially given the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Not to mention, there is a physical safety issue to consider. I don't think I can do like one night stands. Fwb, maybe after hanging out with the guy a few times without anything sexual to make sure they aren't psychotic (or worse, a guy who listens to alpha male podcast bros). R is attractive and has a good personality, but questionable character. I don't know much about L's character but when it comes to Al Pacino, so many of the characters he plays on screen are so questionable to where I have been watching movies on silent so that I can enjoy how good he looks but not have his character ruin the vibe. Also, Al Pacino irl is like 85 and he had a daughter who is YOUNGER than me and he's with women who are like half his age. Again, bad character. It has me feeling like the cat throwing up at the sight of broccoli video above. So I can't even have the fantasy of going back in time to 1975 and fucking him because he's a weirdo irl. There are so many guys that I saw in college who I thought was attractive until they started saying weird shit. Like you were hot before you started lecturing me about the carnivore diet and fan girling over Elon Musk. Like this desire to explore and have fun but also not hang around questionable creatures has me feeling frustrated emotionally and sexually. Like, why can't men shut up and look pretty? I know that sounds very misandrist of me to say. A lot of misogynists have the same view about women. But the difference between me saying this and a misogynist is that a misogynist doesn't want a woman with opinions or a personality because they don't view women as people. I on the other hand love a zesty man with personality and opinions. I just don't like it when the personality and opinions are bad and are reflective of horrid character.

Character vs Personality vs Skill Maintaining and managing friendship after college in my mid-twenties has been a trip. I have friends but it does make me sad that I'm not pouring into them as much as I want, not because I'm not putting in the effort, but because this is a stage of life where a lot of people are bouncing around trying to figure their lives out and that can pose logistical issues, incompatible priorities, and shifts in personality and attitude. So as a result, over the last year and a half or so, I've had to deal with awkward conversations, people drifting apart, and one really weird and abrupt friendship breakup that still has me scarred to a certain extent. And for the most part, internet relationship advice, platonic or not, has been...... interesting. I think the internet and the people in it can present a lot of relationship advice with a lack of nuance since it's speaking to a general audiance and it may or may not apply to your particular situation. And in the situation that it may sort of apply, it can get misapplied. So as a result, I've had to take a step back and actually learn some conflict resolution skills. But there are some things that I found on the internet that I found to be helpful. One is that the price you pay in community is annoyance and inconvenience. Sure, there are times where you want to cancel plans just because you don't feel like it or just not reply back to a friend but you shouldn't let that impulse drive you as it can further isolate you from the people you care about. There is a certain amount of responsibility that you need to take when maintaining community and it's not going to be in the path of least resistence, especially when it involves helping people out. And also, if you're friends with someone for a long time, there are bound to be moments where the other person annoys you but that doesn't mean that you paint them as toxic and cut them off, rather it means either A. tolerating it if it's just something little and learning to see past this or B. if it does really bother you, have a conversation about it rather than ghosting or being weird in other ways. I think a strategy that has helped me to know how to have certain conversations and being able to pinpoint where issues are arising to have better judgment on people in situations is differentiating if a behavior is due to a character issue, personality difference, or skill issue. Character refers to who someone is and how they move through the world, as well as their attitude and world view. Personality is how someone presents themselves. Skill is someone's ability to logistically manage their lives and their relationships. Even if the issue being discussed is the same, depending on the source, character, personality, or skill, the issue can be handled in various ways. Let's taking being late as an example. I've seen multiple on the internet who gives advice on friendship designate being late as a character flaw in that it shows that a person doesn't value your time or your friendship so you have to cut them off. But in my personal experience as the friend who is always early to meetings who happens to be friends with people who tend to always be late, that's not always the case. Being late as a character flaw can be a symptom of someone not valueing your time and your friendship since as adults, you're kind of expected to be on time for work and various appointments so it's like, if you can be on time for that, why can't you be on time for your friends? It can also be a symptom of a lack of reliability in people as well. In this situation, I believe that it's best to have a conversation if something rubbed you in the wrong way to see if this a symptom of a larger issue. If being late is one manifestation of someone not valueing your time, are there other manifestations that a person has indicated that they don't value your time? If so, it's important to call that out and hold the other person accountible. And depending on how that conversation goes and the other person's ability to take responsibility, you may or may not have to distance yourself from this person because you're not collateral for people's personal development. Being late can also be a personality / cultural thing since a lot of cultures don't really have an element of punctuality and they're just overall more chill in this aspect of life so 15 min here and there isn't really a big deal. It's not really indicative of them not valuing your time rather it's just a more relaxed and spontaneous way of viewing time. If anything, in some of these cultures, being super on time and expecting other people to do the same can come across as overbearing, nitpicky, and uptight to where it feels like you're running your friendships like a transactional business meeting rather than a casual and approachable relationship where you can be warm with friends. In this situation, I believe that you need to evaluate people's strengths and weaknesses and see what system makes sense for both of you guys. It's not a personal attack that the other person is always late but it's basically up for negotiation on how both of y'all are willing to handle this in a win win solution. It's not two people against each other, it's two people against the problem. And I think it's important to have people with different personalities, strengths, and weakness in your life so that y'all may learn from each other and learn how to deal with different kinds of people rather than trying to change everyone to be exactly the same. Being late can also be a skill issue where the person in question does care a lot about the people in their lives but for whatever reason, they suck at time management. It could be because of life circumstances shifting and as a result they have new demands they're having trouble keeping up with, bad habits they were brought up with that they're working on addressing. In these situations, I think people need to see how this is a skill issue and work in ways to resolving this whether it's as simple as correcting bad habits or it's bigger in the sense they need to move things around in their lives. I think in this situation, patience is important in that these habits aren't going to change over night but you should see some movement in the right direction and effort being made on their end. But you still need to communicate and have a conversation so that this gets addressed and so that y'all know what to improve in terms of how to show up in this relationship. Another example I can think of is the issue of being socially awkward. Social awkwardness as a character flaw can look like someone who is obnxious in behavior or beliefs, doesn't know how to respect boundaries, or is standoffish because they think they're better than everyone else (think your typical incel). Social awkwardness as a personality trait can look like someone taking a minute to figure out social dynamics before acting so as a result, they might not look comfortable right off the bat. They don't come off as an asshole rather, they're just a little bit of a silly goose (I feel like I fall into this category and I've learned to embrace it. My boyfriend does as well and it was very evident when we first started dating). And finally. social awkwardness can be a skill issue where maybe a person isn't the best at carrying a converation or they're like socially anxious in which case they might just need to put themselves out there more since their social skills are a bit rusty because they haven't worked that muscle as much lately or they might need therapy to address underlying anxieties. The problem is that if we label all three manifestations as a charcter flaw, you're moralizing the issue and writing off a lot of well meaning people as horrible. If we label all three manifestations as a personality issue, you're kind of saying that this is who a person is in their identity and that cannot be changed. If we label all three manifestations as a skill issue, if it's a charcter issue, you're just applying a bandaid where you're making a charismatic psychopath, and if it's a personality issue, then you're expecting someone to change who they fundamentally are and that can come in the way of them learning to accept themselves and instead work against themselves rather than work with themselves. I also feel like shit political takes can typically fall under either the character flaw or the skill issue route (as there is not right wing/ left wing personality though there are some correlations here and there) People with shitty right wing political takes can have these takes due to a character flaw in a lack of empathy or disdain for certain kinds of people. People with shit political takes can be due to a skill issue where they suck at media literacy and fall into conspiratorial thinking or they were raised in an environment without diverse people or ideas, thus leading them to act like a dumbass at times. As for personality, I have seen that people who tend to be more risk averse, have a higher disgust reaction, or score low on openness and agreeablness as per the OCEAN personality test, tend to lean more conservative. It's not a gurantee but I don't think that personality is a life sentence to your political views rather that ceratin personality traits can lead people to work towards developing certain skills or refrain from developing certain skills. For example, I tend to be pretty risk adverse and I have a higher disgust reaction, but I'm leftist. My boyfriend isn't super high on openness or aggreeableness compared to me, but we still have similar values and character which then translates to more leftist views. Other examples can be that a person can be a little stoic and distant (personality), but that doesn't mean they're emotionaly unavailable (character issue). A person can be really charismatic (personality + skill), but also be shady af (character). Someone can be a good person (character) and someone you mesh really well with personality wise, but suck at having difficult conversations and reaching out (skill). Like I myself am a decent person who is pretty well aligned with my values and I'm well informed in the world and what people around me deal with (character) and I have good relationship skills to keep up with people, balance my own life to fulfill social obligations, and solid communication skills (skill), but I'm not exactly the most charismatic person in the room who shoots sunshine out of her ass (personality). I don't have to have a specific personality type in order to be "good with people." Overall, I feel like being able to distinguish various issues in to the buckets of character, personality, and skill has helped me to make a better judgement towards people and situations, aid in conflict resolution, and not take a lot of things as personally.

Nihilism Part 7: Spiral Dynamics Stage Yellow: I know in a previous post I mentioned that a lot of the cultural nihilism we're experiencing is due to late stage capitalism and the excesses of stage Orange. I do stand by that. However, as I'm evaluating the ways that cultural nihilism manifests in my life personally, I think part of it is because I moved to / was exposed to stage Yellow from age 19, which is pretty young. It's great in the sense that I didn't get trapped in Green and I am able to see past it, and also ground myself in the spiral chaos/ ego backlash state that we're in as a society now. Sprial Dynamics has helped navigate this shit storm that has been the 2020s and I'm proud to say that the empathy that it has allowed me to cultivate and the big picture understanding it gave me has helped me stop friends from getting radicalized by shit like the crunchy to alt right pipeline or by Sprinkle Sprinkle feminism for example. At the same time, I think it took a way this sense of stage Green optimism and fighting spirit in me. I think after I found Sprial Dynamics back in 2019, i started getting this attitude of *I'm better than these other students who feel the need to protest and get involved on campus because I see the bigger picture and I know that none of this really matters.*And sure, it's great that I never got super swept up by any one ideology. But at the same time, you can have as much of a systemic, big picture analysis as you want, that's not going to change the fact that you're one small person and small actions matter too, probably more so than big actions. Like, I think it's kind of hypocritical that I care about various social issues to study them but I'm not doing anything hands on like volunteering, protesting, phone banking, annoying represenatives etc. Instead I'm journaling and having an existential crisis in the corner. I think I also picked up on this hubris of *I'm too good to engage with the infighting of tier 1 and I'm not going to fight back or argue.* Part of it I believe is stage Yellow not feeling the need to constantly prove themselves like the previous stages. But I think part of it is also cowardice on my part. I'm not great at debates or at engaging with certain kinds of people. If I can sense that a discussion isn't being done in good faith, I mentally check out. And while that is valid in terms of having personal boundaries, I think for me personally, it stops me from confronting people and situations where i need to stand up for myself, my values, and the people around me. And this lack of engagement, not with toxic beliefs, but this lack of engagement with life itself is part of the problem that breeds cultural nihilism. Sure, it's uncomfortable to deal with certain people or situations, but it's important to know how to meet people where they're at and engage in healthy conflict management / conflict resolution. And yes, disengaging is a tool you can use for healthy conflict management and resolution, but it shouldn't be the only tool in your tool kit. Finally, I think another downside of stage Yellow is the way that it prioritizes nuance. I think nuance is overall a good thing in most situations as it helps you evaluate various perspectives to create a more integrated, holistic solution and it helps you have more constructive conversations. But, I also think there is a time and a place for it. I found this video that illustrates the problems with having a nuanced approach to everything and how it can be misapplied: I recommend watching the whole video. I think to sum it up, the video presents this following point made in the end from 42:10 to 43:33: I know Leo in his video on Stage Yellow talks about how taking on multiple perspectives and having a neutral stance isn't the same as seeing all perspectives as having the same value, nor is it falling for the neutrality bias where you take the middle road on everything. I think this video on the misapplication of nuance can build on that more that just because something is built up to be super complicated, that doesn't mean that it's helpful in the situation at hand and that we shouldn't have a bias towards nuance away from simplicity. And I think that this nuance trap is something that I find myself falling into at times and it can become a breeding ground for apathy, complacency, and nihilism, especially in the bolded parts above. I think I'm especially seeing it in my corporate job. I think that given that we're living in such polarized times and most of us are just trying to do our jobs so that we can get on with our lives, that it's best to avoid political conversations. I have a few coworkers who give off conspiracy theorist vibes, not to the Qanon extent, but more so in a *I believe that there is a puppeteer engineering everything going on and all the elections are pre-decided since I don't know how things really work* kind of way. I also notice some coworkers who have logic and facts but who cannot apply it in an appropriate context or sociologically cognizant way and as a result, they're coming to weird conclusions. And I usually try to disengage with these situations because I know that saying something could cause a fight and harm my professional relationships and because I feel like work is not really a social setting where you can have nuanced conversations. I feel like work, if you're trying to remain professional, is mainly a place where you keep things light and surface level because you don't want to probe into people's lives and boundaries so that there isn't unnecessary messiness that can get in the way of your productivity. But at the same time, I don't feel comfortable to let certain things that my coworkers say just slide because I feel like it reinforces a sense of complacency, even if it's just within myself. So it's like I find myself immobilized where I know that having the typical stage Green response where I'm going off on someone or getting weirded out isn't the answer, but at the same time, there isn't enough time and we're not in an appropriate setting for the nuanced Yellow response. And as a result, I fall into the nuance trap where I'm sitting there overthinking and overcomplicating things since my coworker said something that has 20 different things wrong at once and that causes me to act too little, too late, and too slowly. I always thought of myself as too stage Green when I first found Sprial Dynamics because I related to most of what was being said. And at age 19, that was true and I did need to go back an integrate parts of the previous stages and expose myself to Yellow. But I do think that given this existential crisis I'm experiencing around nihilism, that perhaps this is a part of stage Green that I have yet to fully integrate such as the importance of taking seemingly small action, learning to engage with tier 1 conflicts in an effective way rather than always running away or mediating from a place of hubris, and by not falling into the nuance trap. Tier 1: I also found this video to be particularly insightful in the way that cultural nihilism is showing up when talking to median voters in the upcoming NYC Mayoral election: I like the way that Vaush emphasizes the virtue of being curious and looking things up, even if it's as basic as who is running and what their positions are, because a lot of people don't even do the bare minimum. There is also a part where one person being interviewed mentions that they don't bother voting because they don't think it matters and because they don't agree with the system. And I like that Vaush called that out as apathy and cultural nihilism masquerading as being enlightened and rebellious. While I don't agree with the individual who said that they don't vote, I can empathize with his sentiment and also see how that dynamic of cultural nihilism masquerading as being enlightened and rebellious manifests in my life and attitudes. I also like the way that you can view this video and it shows how this cultural nihilism is showing up across race, gender, and socioeconomic background. I feel like this was a good sample and jumping off point for anecdotes and real life manifestions of the nihilism compared to Vaush's first video on cultural nihilism. As a result, I find myself reflecting on the ways that cultural nihilism can manifest throughout the sprial. Here is just a rough draft of thoughts: Stage Green: The nihilism can come from not seeing change soon enough and getting burnt out in the process of seeing chaos constantly ensue (i.e. compassion fatigue, overstimulation, feeling like things are just getting worse with no end in sight). It can also masquarade as being rebellious and not wanting to take part in a system (i.e all of the leftist who don't do anything other than fight each other on Twitter) Stage Orange: The nihilism can come from a lack of humanness in the world around you due to automation because you have essentially outsourced human satisfaction to technology (i.e. using Ai for all of your assignments instead of taking the time to learn, replacing hobbies and critical thinking with scrolling and consumerism, getting too comfortable and distracted to act, the difference between walking and driving places, aiming for efficiency and convenience rather than beauty, mindfulness, etc.) Stage Blue: The nihilism can come from an attitude of only caring about your immidiate family and literallly nothing else (i.e. nothing is important unless it affects me personally at my doorstep, conspiratorial thinking, a lack of epistemological literacy to where you're not verifying any sources and you're engaging in magical thinking/ peasant brain).

This is definitely the spark notes version since it's been about 6 years since I remember discussing this in college but ethnocentrism is a natural by product of a group defining their collective identity by separating an in group and our group. Having a collective identity can aid in organizing people and societies by giving people a sense of belonging and a sense that they're contributing to a greater whole. Eventually, this can turn into nationalism which is crucial for state building and the creation of different countries. Countries are created through nationalism because it groups people together in a more cohesive unit where they pay taxes for their society and militaristically defend the in group from the out group. Of course, this can become an excess once a society has reached a place where the state is clearly defined and is actually a cohesive country. I can see the necessity of nationalism and ethnocentrism in Iraq for example as it is a failed state of sorts, and you kind of need a strong man to round everyone together into a cohesive unit. However, in a country like the U.S. ethnocentrism and nationalism can easily become unhealthy and excessive since we are well past the state that Iraq is in.

I guess if we're going with the KKK member example, granted I'm not an expert on KKK members, but I can understand what factors in their life might have lead them to think that way (socioeconomic issues, indoctrination, the types of people they're around, all the ways that their environment normalizes and encourages racism, some other kind of trauma etc.) and how as a result, the views themselves reflects some kind of truth (i.e. sociological insight, how a lot of white Americans since they aren't in touch with their heritage, the resort to embracing the system the upholds the hiearchy as some identity of whiteness etc.) I believe that observing extreme ideologies like this can be insightful in the way that they expose finer nuances in society and human behavior by taking those nuances and blowing them up by 1000x so that you can take a closer look. Nevertheless, of course white supremacy is wrong and harms a lot of people and it goes without saying that I can understand where that ideology goes wrong.

I can see that. Funny enough, that's the same exercise I use whenever I'm dealing with someone difficult, KKK member or not. I'm not some how special because of the conclusions I have come to and the life path I have taken because if I was in a different situation with a different background and personality, I could've easily ended up like that. Hell, I'm sure I'll understand that in another life since I am the universe experiencing itself lol. How would you differentiate these two? I agree. I guess sometimes I wonder if's just a personal boundary or if I'm conflict avoident in certain situation. I watched some of Dr. K's content from HealthyGamerGG where he talks to incels for example and it's interesting to watch him navigate that without resorting to disengaging with the person, getting triggered, or triggering the other person. I like to use his interactions and his aproach to various issues as more of a lay person example of what yellow can look like. Granted he is a trained psychologist so his approach to engaging with people is a testament of that and I shouldn't compare myself and my reactions to similar situations to him, but it's still insightful.