soos_mite_ah

Because men view themselves and other men through the constructs of the male gaze and how they judge other women. They judge women on looks so they expect women to do the same and they go along with the patriarchal notions of what is considered attractive even if that doesn't resonate with most women. What you judge in others are often things you judge in yourself. The guys who are the most insecure about their looks are usually also the ones who bring women down and make the 1-10 scale into a form of absolute science.

What is Authenticity I thought about writing this for a couple months now but I kept putting this off because I wanted my thoughts on the subject to marinate a little more. I also think this would be really beneficial to reflect on because authenticity is my top value. This is something that I have thought about back when I was 17 or so but I feel like the way that I define authenticity has evolved since then. It hasn't changed, but it has more parts now. The way that I thought was the best way to tap into my own sense of authenticity back then had a lot to do with being in touch with my inner child and my inner sense of joy. To me, being in touch with that part of myself was crucial because it basically asked the questions "Who are you when you take all of the social conditioning away? Who are you when you are honest with yourself and cut to the core? Who are you when you let go of what other people want you to be or think you should be?" I was always intrigued by the amount of honesty kids display and how they don't give a flying fuck on whose there. It can fuel a lot of funny stories. I don't have many funny kid stories but I do remember a couple things that I did when I was little. One time my parents got some fish from the fish market and they didn't fully clean the fish because once we brought the fish home, we found a ton of caviar. My mom made caviar that night. I was around 9 at the time and I tasted some of the caviar and I asked my parents what this was because it tasted weird. My dad explained it to me and told me that caviar costs a ton of money and that it is a delicacy that rich people indulge in. And I remember saying something along the lines of "why would you spend so much money on something that tastes so bad?" That annoyed my parents a little because they were here feeling all fancy but the whole status aspect didn't register in my head because that was not the conditioning that I got before. Another time when I was either 3, I remember it being my birthday. I was a happy kid. I had cake, the sun was shining, and as a happy kid who was hyperactive because of the cake, I wanted to go play outside. My uncle was like "no you can't play outside until the sun goes down a little bit." I asked why and he replied with "because then you'll get dark." (Little back story, I was a VERY pale, light skin Indian kid when I was born to where I basically looked biracial and my relatives used to be really protective over that skin tone because of colorism and Eurocentric beauty standards). I asked why again and my uncle was like "because when you get dark, you won't look as good." I remember thinking how dumb that sounded because none of that made sense to me. It didn't make sense why being beautiful was so important and why dark skin wasn't seen as beautiful. Colorism and Eurocentric beauty standards didn't register because I was a literal toddler without that social programing. All I wanted was to have fun and run around outside. So then I just ran out the front door and made my uncle chase me around the neighborhood until he gave up and let me play outside. Now on to the way I decided to extend my definition of authenticity. I do still stand by the inner child version of authenticity but lately I've been thinking on expanding it because I have gotten more life experiences that contradict this. Exploring my sexuality more caused this shift in perspective. For the last 7 years I have identified as asexual because I simply didn't feel attraction towards anyone. I had nothing against sex, it just wasn't my thing. But there was a tiny part of me that felt a little superior, like it was easier for me to be in touch with authentic love and relationships because I didn't have to navigate the shit storm that can be hormones and lust. Going back to the inner child version of authenticity, I felt like I was more in touch with an inner child version of love and that made any romantic feelings I had for someone more authentic than simply being attracted to them on a physical level. I felt like I could make more authentic decisions because I didn't have sex clouding my judgement. But lately as I've been exploring my sexuality more because some things have happened and I'm doubting my asexuality (it's a long story). And what I'm feeling feels very authentic. Then I started thinking that maybe authenticity isn't just some absolute thing that you return to like you return to your inner child but something that is continuously evolves with you. There is relativity in authenticity. What felt authentic to me a few years ago, doesn't resonate with me in the same way now because my needs have changed, my outlook on life has changed, I have been exposed to different life experiences, and I'm in a different stage of life. And the fact that I have changed and strayed from who I used to be doesn't make me fake now nor does it mean that I have lost my way. Because what is authentic to you changes depending on where you are at in your life, being authentic is a continuous effort. It isn't a one and done deal where you make a couple decisions and live happily ever after. Being authentic can require a lot of work, specifically emotional labor. It means you're in touch with your emotions, you unlearn and relearn parts of yourself, you work on your sense of awareness, you are in touch with your intuition. You have to work through various traumas you may have or face fears that were instilled into you. Those are a few things I believe that is necessary to lead a more authentic life but I'm sure there is more. Your level of authenticity is dependent on the quality and stage of consciousness you're in at the present moment. This is how I think that this relative definition of authenticity fits in with the more absolute definition of authenticity in the inner child version of authenticity. I think that relative authenticity can be really helpful for the here and now but I think the absolute version of authenticity is a good sanity check. For instance, with my dating life I can honor my sexual needs and wants but I can also use the sanity check to make sure that I'm not doing anything like making myself be someone I'm not in order to get those needs met and so that my sexual needs/wants don't overshadow any of the other things I'm looking for in a relationship. It's kind of difficult to explain at the moment. I think I need to have more things happen in my life and apply this form of thought so that I can articulate what I'm trying to say.

Thoughts on Blogging I'm trying to make a website on Wix after having their ads be pushed down my throat by all of the YouTubers who are sponsored by them lol. And I can say that so far, it hasn't been fun. I know Wix is marketed as a easy way of making your own website but I'm tech stupid so even this is a struggle for me. I'm pretty sure I can figure it out but still. Part of me wants to give this off to a person who knows what they are doing as far as web design goes but like.... I don't really have the funds at the moment. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have never built a website before. None of my links work. And I have no idea how to make posts on there. I hate it here. Basically I'm left feeling like this. I don't feel like making posts for this blog is going to be super difficult. It's basically going to be this journal in website form tbh since most of my entries on here are pseudo-blogposts because of how long they are. I know that I mentioned that writing is the medium in which I express my life purpose. I feel that this blog is part of that purpose. Even if it doesn't become my main source of income or if it doesn't blossom into a full on career, I really don't care. I'm doing this for fun. I personally think of life purpose as something that is multifaceted. Yes, career is a huge part of it but so is your hobbies, how you spend your free time, your life style, the people you have around you etc. I see blogging and keeping up with my journals here as part of my purpose but not necessarily the whole thing. It would be nice if I got paid for this. Honestly, getting paid to write about things that I'm interested in and write about the things I'm working on in my life is like getting paid to breathe because a lot of it comes so naturally to me. By naturally I don't mean that I have some inherent skill for writing rather instead I mean that writing is very intrinsically motivated for me and requires very little energy because of how aligned it is with my authenticity. I think I only remember a couple days here and there out of this entire year where I felt tired after writing but that was mainly my fault. I wrote 5 full length posts and it was 2 am in the morning and I felt as if I had to get somethings off my chest because it wouldn't come out the same way if I stopped, went to sleep, and woke up the next day. Other than that, I normally feel rested after writing a post, as if I can finally stop thinking about a subject once I create a product that is related to what I'm thinking, that product being a post. Writing these long drawn out posts doesn't feel like work, it feels like a release, my authentic expression. I don't feel like I have to force anything or plow through any resistance because I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I just feel like I'm being. Writing in this journal is something that I would want to do and that I can do consistently even if I didn't get much from it. I was able to do this consistently without anyone getting onto me about it. I didn't get anything from it other than growing as a person, a few people commenting, and a few people telling me how much they like my journal (which honestly means the world to me thank you). I didn't get anything financially from it and the people in my life definitely have no idea that I'm doing this so I didn't get clout from this either. I am a pretty intrinsically motivated person but this journal has been next level for me. Again, posting just feels like being to me and because of that, any extrinsic reward I would get from this would be like getting paid to breathe and exist. You don't expect anything from breathing and existing but if you do get anything, it feels exponentially better than if you got an external reward for doing something you didn't really want to do. That's what I'm trying to get at. There is a part of me that is also nervous about all of this. The thing with this journal is that I have a level of anonymity. I'm nervous about putting something with my name out there, especially something that is half baked. This isn't so much about perfectionistic tendencies rather this is about real life repercussions. A nightmare scenario isn't that my blog gets no views. A nightmare scenario is my blog getting discovered somehow by my future employer, them not liking what I wrote, them proceeding to fire me, and then me not knowing how tf I'm going to support myself. Also, getting cancelled is a fear for similar reasons. It isn't so much that I'm worrying about triggering people but it's more of I'm afraid that if people see controversy in me that it would jeopardize my future plans. I faced this same sense of nervousness when I started writing about more personal topics on this journal as well. While it may seem as if I'm fully embracing my exhibitionistic tendencies, there is a fear of being found out by authorities (meaning teachers, future employers, recruiters doing background checks) and people irl. Not only is there the fear of awkwardness but there is this the fear is them looking at me and going like *well she's a complete unprofessional mess who airs her dirty laundry and personal life to hundreds of people on the internet.* I was able to push through that fear because of the anonymity on here but still, there is a thought in the back of my head that is along the lines of this: *One day I need to delete everything I posted on this website and act like this phase of my life never happened because I'm pretty sure these people can track everything if they do a background check on me. I swear to god that if they do a background check on me and somehow they find this journal, I'm fucked.* Because of this fear and nervousness, I am tempted to put this project off until I'm a more conscious, emotionally healthy, actualized person so that I can have a clean image to my work when I put my name on it. And while waiting until you're in a more stable place in your life in order to do certain things can be healthy and necessary, I don't think that is the case here. Because actualization and being more conscious is an endless and often emotionally laborious and messy journey. If anything, that messiness and finding a way to navigate through it is what makes my writing... well... my writing. So waiting til I maxed out on my development is basically waiting forever and never starting. And I don't think that this would be the most fulfilling choice.

I just had a crazy (or maybe completely sane) idea about using spiral dynamics as a way to explain different aspects of society, culture, interpersonal relationships, and human behavior in general. I want to market this to young people who are interested in spirituality in a way that spiral dynamics doesn't seem like a dull, complicated model but something that is easy to understand and implement. Is my niche too specific? What else do I need to take into consideration? I get that I'm probably preaching to the choir on this forum but I would still love your thoughts. Tbh, there is also a part of me that is nervous about speaking about these types of things with normies because I do see the limitations of spiral dynamics and how it can be used to justify awful things by people who are less conscious.

@RendHeaven Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going with this as far as specifics go. I was thinking about making a website that is basically my journal in blog form. However, I was thinking of my content being more cohesive to a particular theme/niche. Spiral Dynamics seemed broad enough to where I can use it as a tool to analyze different social and cultural phenomenon but it also seemed niche enough for people to be like *wtf is spiral dynamics.* I guess if I were to have a website, I would have a tab for my personal, on going journey, another tab explaining the basics of spiral dynamics in an short but entertaining way, another tab talking about self development/ spirituality, and another tab for social commentary/activism. I believe that I have a good grasp on spiral dynamics as a model. I have been studying/observing cultures, societies, and how it effects people for as long as I can remember (like my brain naturally looks at the world in those terms). A lot of it has to do with my personal life experience as someone who was raised by immigrant parents in a diverse community where I was surrounded by people who didn't come from the same background as me. This further extends into what I'm studying in college as well. I'm majoring in international relations with a minor in human rights. Both of these are really interdisciplinary majors and they are very social science heavy. One niche that I can come up with on the spot is how to deal with immigrant parents. I noticed that most children of immigrants at least in the U.S. tend to be very orange/ green while their parents are very blue. SD helped me figure out this aspect of my life really well and helped me mend and manage the family relationships I had while being able to let go of my frustrations I had with them because I understood where they came from a consciousness perspective. Basically what I'm trying to do is make things make more sense using spiral dynamics. I remember when I first found the model, I simply couldn't un see it from any type of public discourse or topic in general. Everything made more sense in a simpler way and I think that SD can quickly cut through the bs when it comes to a person's individual development or collective development. @SamC I'm planning on using writing as a medium since it is really easy for me to get into a flow state with it and I have found that really fulfilling growing up. I have thought of the YouTube/public speaking route but then in the process of doing that I realized I hated everything to do with creating videos and social media.

@Raphael Thanks for the suggestion, I'll keep that in mind

I am trying to google coaches and I made an appointment with one. I'm doing a free session to see how it goes. Also, if anyone else has any suggestions (I know @Etherial Cat has recommended @Emerald) for a life coach, or is a life coach, feel free to let me know. I'm exploring my options at the moment.

Yes I have taken his course and I found it immensely helpful. I find myself having most of the pieces of the puzzle but having issues with putting them all together

So right after I posted the previous post, it showed that my journal got 18888 views. And I was like *oh cool a synchronicity! I wonder what 8888 means.*I went ahead and googled it and this is what google told me: Is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it. I guess that's why manifestation works for me because I'm not attached to certain things but I'm still positive Hmm.... things to think about

My Choices Under Capitalism I know that this can be a very limiting way of looking at my future but sometimes it feels like these are my options. 1. A boring monotonous career that barely pays enough and is mostly bullshit: You don't create much value or contribute much and then you come home exhausted from the day and are too tired/depressed to do anything else in your life. You have to also act like your job is important because or else if your employers find out you have a bs position, you can be fired and cut entirely. Basically, you end up like this clip from Spongebob: This clip gave me an existential crisis as a kid. I don't feel like I need to explain much more as to why this type of life bothers me. I only have one life and if 50% of my waking hours is spent like this and the other 50% is affected by how much work emotionally worn me out, I don't know how much I will last. 2. Careers at Large Competitive Corporations: These jobs pay good money but have a terrible work life balance where you end up working 60-80 hours a week and you're always on call and if you try to put up boundaries you'll be fired. You will get burnt out quickly and you will always be on edge because you don't take care of your physical or emotional needs. Also, the people there are super competitive and cut throat. Think working in investment banking, consulting, or tech start ups. And the thing that sucks about this types of jobs is that I feel like I'm being pushed in this direction without many alternatives by family, school, etc. I constantly have to sit through horror stories or basically propaganda glamorizing certain jobs. I get why this happens because a lot of the people in my field of study is aiming for one of these types of jobs therefore those are the jobs getting talked about but for me personally, since I'm kind of an odd ball in this regard, I feel like I'm being pushed into a direction without alternatives while every ounce of my body and intuition is saying NO. 3. The Ethical/Meaningful but Underappreciated Careers: A job that is ethical, helps people, and creates actual value in the world but is completely undervalued and you get paid peanuts. You may or may not have a work life balance but that doesn't matter because either way, you'll still be stressed because you aren't even sure if you can keep yourself alive and pay off any debt you got from school. Think being a teacher, social worker, or anything that utilizes a social science degree. And there is only so much that you can do to create an impact because you are confined by a bureaucracy that doesn't value you enough to give you the resources to do your job properly (think how the government doesn't fund schools enough and how teachers are super underpaid and have to do basically everything on their own) 4. Becoming an Entrepreneur/ Self Employed: You will probably have to work as much as option #2 but it isn't going to be forever. You may or may not create actual value and your work may or may not be useful for humanity, that's dependent on you. Everything from your weekends, health insurance costs, or any other benefits you might get on a traditional job is on you. That can give you flexibility but it also can be taxing because you can't rely on anyone. Also, the chances of becoming successfully self employed and having that be a full time gig instead of some type of side hustle is pretty slim so the odds aren't really in your favor. This option is also really risky.

Jobs That I Have Considered at Some Point or Another So as I've been thinking about this whole life purpose thing, I have also been reflecting on different career paths I would like to take and how they align with the things discussed in the life purpose course. This is that reflection. The pros are why I considered said career and the cons are why I have doubts and worries. Also, if anyone has any suggestions based on my posts or any input about my thinking process (you know, if there is any self deception, limiting beliefs, not knowing the reality of certain careers, etc.) let me know lol. Human Resources Pros: I want to make the work place a better environment to help people improve the quality of their lives. I want to push democracy in the work place, proper pay and benefits, and ensure that people's rights are protected. I care about human rights and I want to implement solutions on a systemic level by also combining it with my business degree. Cons: Heard a lot of horror stories on how HR doesn't actually help anyone and basically does things to cover up issues in the work place so that the company doesn't get sued. Apparently HR can be really sketchy and goes against my values. Also, eww corporate America. Consulting Pros: I wanted to help companies work more efficiently and more consciously so that they treat their workers right since that also boosts their productivity as well. As with HR, I care about human rights and I want to implement solutions on a systemic level by also combining it with my business degree. I also really like giving people advice on how to do things. Cons: The work life balance is trash. I tried to look into it more and the whole culture around consulting especially in the big four consulting firms goes against a lot of my values. Plus even after being pushed in this direction, I struggled to even get myself to research anything about this so I think that's a sign that this doesn't resonate with me AT ALL. Also, eww corporate America. Blogging / Writing Pros: It's so easy for me to get into a flow state when I write these journal entries to where I can see myself doing something this for a living. I have a good amount of discipline in this craft and am able to be pretty consistent with it. I love how I can delve into whatever topics I find interesting and go from there. I also like the idea of being self employed. Cons: Not sure how much money I can make this way so there is a part of me that sees this only as a hobby rather than a career. Also, I'm wary of the notion of monetizing my passions. I don't want to lose my motivation around writing since it is something that I like to do. Also, I have this fear of someone finding things out about me and then having that jeopardize my future. Finally, I'm not sure if this is coming from a healthy place. Part of the reason why I like writing in my journal is because there is this exhibitionistic part of me that enjoys oversharing. YouTube Pros: I like talking about things I'm passionate about as well as the idea of being self employed. I also wanted to talk about relevant issues socially and culturally so that people can learn and expand their awareness. Cons: I tried this out and realized that I hate shooting videos, I hate talking on camera, I don't even care about social media, and I hate editing videos. Basically, the only thing that I enjoyed about this process was writing the videos. I also realized that I was doing it from an unhealthy place. Part of me really wanted to get famous because of unresolved issues lol. Therapist/Life Coach Pros: I love dealing with people and understanding them. I've had an interest in psychology and human behavior in general since I was really little and it's something that I've been building up for a while. I also give really good advice and I'm good at reading people. I also think my interest in spirituality can thrive here more than in other careers other than maybe blogging. Also, if I do life coaching, I could be self employed. Cons: There is a part of me that is afraid that I'm interested in becoming a therapist or life coach for an unhealthy reason. Me figuring people out and giving people advice has a lot of do with a trauma response that I have and I don't think it's wise for my career to double down on that. Also, as far as being a therapist goes, I'm not into getting a PhD because money. Becoming a Professor/ Researcher Pros: This really embraces my value for learning and lets me fuck around and find out. I also really enjoy writing academic papers and reading about nerdy shit. If I get to concentrate in a subject that I really like in the social sciences, I can see myself really enjoying the whole process of researching. Cons: I don't think I can have an impact on the world solely on theorizing. My impact statement is understanding AND improving the human condition. Working in a university would take care of the understanding part, but as far as improving goes, I can only see myself doing so much. I also think this might come from an unhealthy place because I've been in school my whole life so there is a sense of familiarity/ safety with academia instead of going into "the real world."

Yeah, don't let people shame you for your emotional and sexual needs. Honor your needs. They are valid and if yall aren't compatible, y'all aren't compatible. That's ok. But there is no need for anyone to be rude about it and judge others on it. To each their own. You aren't wrong for having the needs and desires you have.

I agree with this. Also, some people misunderstand what they actually want and aren't honest with themselves which can also lead to messiness and people getting attached when they thought it wouldn't happen. I feel like people who deep down want a relationship but don't want to be honest with themselves get into situations like this. I second this. Sex isn't a big deal. A lot of people interpret that statement as *yeah sex isn't a big deal, everyone should sleep around and if you think sex is deep and emotional you're delusional/ religious/ prude/ *insert rude and judgmental name here** But the way I personally interpret the statement "sex isn't a big deal" is that if you want to have casual sex or wait for a committed relationship, each way is fine as long as they fulfill your needs in a healthy way. Do whatever feels right for you, it isn't a big deal and there is no need to judge yourself or the choices of others.

@Preety_India A hard close when you keep going even if the woman hesitates or says she isnt sure unless you hear a hard no and she tries to fight you off. Basically unless shes screaming NO FUCK OFF assume she's into you and everything you're doing.

Sounds like what an awkward creep who cant talk dirty would say

You can take the lead and be assertive and still ask for consent and check in. A guy asking me "do you want me to pin you down and have my hands around your throat?" is basically dirty talk. Nothing unassertive about that. If you can't ask for consent in the middle of sex, you're probably an awkward creep who can't talk dirty. There is nothing sexy being an awkward creep who can't talk dirty .

I'm so glad y'all brought this up. The whole hard close thing freaks me out as well. It's a recipe for disaster.

I'm very much the same way. It simply doesn't resonate with me though for me it doesn't come from a place of moralization. I think casual sex can have a bad reputation (especially for women partaking in it) because some people assume that it's always shallow and that you must be messed up in the head, or you have a gaping hole in your soul. While people can have a bad relationship to casual sex, for some people it can be a way of exploring and getting to know their sexuality. It can be a way to get to know the different things they like and different ways of having sex. It can be away to gain more sexual confidence for people. I think coming at casual sex as an exploration perspective is a healthy way to go about it. It's perfectly fine if casual sex doesn't resonate with you or if it feels wrong for you personally. IMO, I'd still be vary of the moralizing, even if you're just moralizing to yourself. Sure casual sex isn't the thing that you want/need now but imo it isn't healthy to shame yourself out the possibility. Your needs and wants can change later on and that's fine. And even if they don't change, that's fine too.

Shaming a man for being a pussy for asking for consent just shows me that the person doing the shaming has no idea about the female experience or how women work in general. Asking someone "what do you want me to do to you" or "do you want me to do ____" is asking for consent but it can also be sexy. Also asking makes a woman more safer and feel like she can do more things with you. Even if she says no, she will still have a sense of respect for you because you respect her. I mean even then consent is on going. Even if she "led him on" or "changed her mind" no is still no. "Leading him on" is often used as an excuse for men to not pay attention to what a woman actually wants. There are women out there who get told that they "led him on" based on what she was wearing even if she didn't even interact with the guy before hand. A need to feel safe and respected isn't the same as the desire to feel properly pleasured. Both are important don't get me wrong, but a baseline foundation of safety is much more important for both genders, but especially women because of the things that can happen to us and the things we worry about.

Women and gay men are less likely to be emotionally repressed in the same way that straight men are because stoicism isn't as pushed. They also tend to be more emotionally expressive and don't discount their intuition. Straight men on the other hand tend to dismiss anything that doesn't align with their strict notions of logic and rationality even when emotions and intution can be rational. To them and a lot of people who are like this, the dichotomy is emotional vs logical nor logical vs illogical. Also, feminine integration is big. Often times femininity and things associated with such tend to be seen as frivolous, dumb, and inferior by the patriarchy and the repression of the feminine is much worse when it comes to men because as soon as he embraces his femininity, he is branded as less of a man or people think that something is wrong with him.

Casual sex is fine but it isn't for everyone. For some people it's healthy but for others it isn't. Just because it isn't right for you doesn't mean that it's sinful. Honor your needs and your emotions but don't judge others who partake in casual sex as sinful. People aren't always messed up for having casual sex. Again, it can be healthy for them. I think what matters more is WHY you decided to have casual sex or not rather than IF you decided to have casual sex or not. The decision itself doesn't matter but the reason behind it does.

Can you tell me how to do this? I'm tech stupid lol

I have a similar feeling as well. For me, looking older isn't so much about losing attractiveness. I've seen plenty of older women and men who look amazing because of their age rather than despite it. I guess part of it has to do with me having older parents and living around older people my whole life so there is a sense of appreciation I have for the beauty of the aging process because of that sense of familiarity. I've started having a few grey hairs since I was 18 or so (it's genetic, some people in my family grey earlier and I guess I got that gene lol) and I always thought silvery strands looked absolutely beautiful. My thing is about looking tired and done with life. It isn't about attractiveness, it's about losing that sense of vitality and drifting into decay. I guess part of it also has to do with the fear of death. I know that on the days that I look tired (usually because of a lack of sleep), even when I physically feel fine, I feel this drag on my psyche. I know that on the days that I look energized (usually because of me taking the time to do my makeup), even when I feel stressed or tired, there is a part of me that feels more energized and ready to take on the day. Inevitably as I get older, I'm probably going to look a little more worn out by default, I just don't want to feel worn out everyday until I die lol. I also really like having an active life whether it is me being able to independently do things or me doing physically rigorous activities like working out or playing sports. And knowing that it's probably not going to be forever is disappointing but it makes me appreciate my ability to do things in the now much more. I guess I don't have much of a fear of aging as I have a concern. I know I can mitigate this to a certain extent. I can choose to take care of my body through diet and exercise which then can help me pursue activities I like for longer. I can choose to emotionally be in a happier place which can bring back that sense of vitality. I've noticed that the spark that people have in their eyes can make a person look more youthful and energetic even when their body and features might say otherwise. I have met people in their 20s and 30s who look completely done with life because of their emotional state and I have met 70 year olds who look like they are ready to take on the world and explore different aspects of life. Then there is the thing around success. There is something that is presented as sexier in society and media about becoming successful when you're young rather than becoming successful when you're older. Being successful when you're young has this connotation of beating everyone and achieving things earlier than the people around you because you didn't make the same mistakes as they did and instead got a fast track to your goals. It has this perceived sense of efficiency and talent and seeming like you got successful quick is appealing especially in a society that tends to prefer instant gratification. I think social media makes things worse because you have young people flaunting their wealth and success and even if people know that those people are the anomaly, it normalizes being a millionaire before 25 in your subconscious mind and little reptile brain. It adds on to the fetishization of youth and I know a lot of young people who feel like they are losing out on their youth for whatever reason (extra responsibilities, working hard at work, mental health difficulties, strict families etc) and there is this feeling of how your teens and 20s are the only time you have to have fun and also achieve big things. There is a part of me that feels so behind even though I know that I have so much life ahead of me still. And often times I find comfort in seeing people who are older achieve things later on in life because it makes me feel like I still have time to get my shit together and turn things around. It alleviates some of the pressure. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time despite being so young. Part of me doesn't even feel young. I have a fear of wasting my precious life on doing stupid shit. The only time men come into the picture for me isn't so much about aging. If anything, getting older is something I look forward to when it comes to dating. I look older than my peers. It mainly has to do with the way my body has developed and because of the way that I dress. I can't wear I guess more youthful styles without looking too provocative so I've always had a push from myself, my family, and society as a whole to not dress a certain way because I just don't want to deal with the people staring (that's a whole nother topic though). I don't like looking older because I rarely attract guys my age. I've been getting approached by men in their late 20s and early 30s since I was 15. Ands words can't express how blessed I feel that I haven't had a run in with a predator yet because as soon as men find out that I'm too young for them, the leave me tf alone. The whole situation is uncomfortable and intimidating, not because they are creepy, but because you feel the clear power dynamic. That uncomfortable feeling/ intimidation factor isn't as bad now because I'm not an awkward 15 year old anymore, but it is still annoying. As for skincare, I kind of see it similar to working out. You don't have to have a fear of aging to get into anti-aging skincare in the same way you don't have to have body image issues or have a fear of getting fat to start working out. In my opinion, it's often a way to take care of yourself and relax. It doesn't have always be about a fear or insecurity.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career 1:18-2:22: The Pressure from Childhood Ok so she has timestamps on this video which makes journaling on this much easier for me lol Katherine talks about how growing up around San Francisco in a work centric culture that she never really questioned hustle culture and some of the unhealthy aspects of it. She mentions that there was a pressure to go to an elite 4 year university growing up and then get a prestigious brand name job and basically have your life planned out by the time you're 13 instead of letting yourself grow, explore your interests, let yourself be creative, and make memories with friends. Instead, there is this pressure of figuring out your life 5-10 years down the line which isn't healthy for children at that age. While I didn't grow up in the Bay Area, I did grow up in a circle of strict, and often elitist Asian parents so I do kind of get that pressure to go to an elite 4 year university and have your life planned out. I remember that at 17 my uncle asked me what I was majoring in and what the prospects of that major will be 15 years from now, how things will grow and what career path I'm going to take. And I was just sitting there like *listen my guy, I'm 17, I can't remember what life was like 15 years ago yet you expect me to figure out where I'm going to be in 15 years and how life will turn out and honestly wtf.* 2:23-3:53: How College Pushes You Towards Industry Here she talks about how her business major was basically like majoring in jobs and doesn't have the same academic rigor as a lot of liberal arts majors and how you aren't exposed to theory, different ways of looking at the world, and critical thinking as much as other majors. She mentions on how the practical aspects of a business degree is important but it's also important to have a balanced and ethical world view so that you have a better idea on how to do business. I agree with her 100%. I am majoring in management and international relations with a minor in human rights. I am getting a business degree and I'm also pursuing something that has a lot of the humanities and social sciences as well. I'm exposed to both groups of people, business majors and liberal arts majors and while educationally I get the best of both worlds, the practical knowledge of a business degree and the critical thinking skills of a liberal arts degrees, I do see these two worlds collide in conflicting ways at times. Business as a field of study is blowing up more and more in universities and I think a lot of it has to do with the way that learning is commodified as a way of getting a degree to get a job instead of learning for the sake of learning and educating yourself. Especially in the U.S. where colleges are like businesses that put people into debt, there is this notion of *you need to get a degree that is worth the money and that will pay off the debt* instead of pursuing something you're actually interested in and that makes you feel educated about the world. And with a lot of people who majored in business, I did get a vibe of being more achievement oriented rather than looking out for the broader system and empathizing with others. And even if I don't use my international relations degree of my human rights minor, I do believe that choosing to study these subjects did give me a more well rounded education. 3:53-11:36 In this basically she talks about how once she got dropped into the corporate world she started being skeptical about what it is she was doing with her life and if corporate America is for her. Then she started talking about working to live vs living to work and how having your career as a big part of your identity can be detrimental in your sense of happiness, fulfillment, and mental health and how a lot of the happiest countries in the world have less work/labor centric cultures compared to the U.S. Then she discusses the dangers of glorifying work. While I haven't worked a corporate job, I did find myself questioning a lot of this especially lately as I've been trying to figure out my purpose, my priorities, and how I want to live my life. Despite what this video says, I do have a dream career that I'm piecing together but I am aware that this is a piece to my fulfillment and it isn't everything. I do want to align myself with my life purpose but I also believe that there is so much more to life purpose than a career and the skills you're cultivating. I do also have a desire to go out and explore different places and their attitude towards work and career because I do believe that other places on the planet (*cough, cough* New Zealand) has a more balanced and healthier view on this. I liked her example of the Netherlands and how when you ask people what they do they list out their hobbies and their roles in other people's lives before talking about what they do for a living because their interests and roles in the community is a better reflection of them. I found that really wholesome. 11:36- end This section talks about how to cope with this situation which includes but isn't limited to setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, contemplating what would you do if all of your needs are fulfilled to actualize, and looking at the people you admire and take note what you actually admire about them. I don't really much to say on this but valid points and action items were made. I like the question "if capitalism wasn't a thing and all of your needs and wants were fulfilled, what would you do with your time?" I feel like this is a stage green version of the 10 million dollar question which is along the lines of "if you had 10 million dollars, what would you do with your time after you exhausted your needs and wants?" It's basically the same question but phrased in different ways. I mention this because the 10 million dollar question was one of the things that the life purpose course talked about.

I want to start off with saying that I really like your journal and I think that I can learn a lot from the experiences that you are sharing here. Personally, in my journey I found it difficult to balance more than 2 people at once per month when it comes to dating and I noticed that I get tired of the process of dating quite easily. I've been trying to address that and my limiting beliefs so that I can let loose and enjoy the process more instead of feeling this exhaustion with dating. Maybe it's because I haven't found people that I really click with or really like but dating often feels like a drag to me. I never had a problem with being needy/clingy. If anything I find myself coming off as distant because of the time I need to recharge and I suppose in many cases, lack of interest. I guess my question is, how do you balance all of this? Does it ever feel socially exhausting? If so, how do you deal with that?