soos_mite_ah

@Raphael The video isn't showing up lol. Can you please just describe what it was? @Raptorsin7 I've tried screaming into a pillow and surprisingly, the screams get really muffled and you can't really hear it. I had the same fear too before trying it

Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 2: Social Anxiety So upon realizing this whole parallel perceptual reality thing that I'm experiencing because of the pandemic, I felt a few things come over me. Firstly, I felt really depressed and started having suicidal thoughts because I felt as if I was alone in my perspective, that I was crazy for feeling traumatized by this whole thing and not moving on quickly like everyone else seems to, and that I was wasting my life in this hell. I've met people who have had normal fulfilling lives so far with normal healthy parents and they seems so happy. Then I look at my life and I see all of the experiences those people racked up and see how empty and trauma filled my life is. Again, sometimes my life feels like a constant cycle of being traumatized, healing from that trauma, and then another traumatic event pops up out of nowhere either because something happened out of the blue or I remembered something and realized I never addressed it. It's like playing wack-a-mole in the worst way possible. And I'm so tired of playing wack-a-mole. I just want to skip to the part where I'm living my best life, I know what career path I'm taking, I have a solid group of friends, and I'm financially and emotionally stable. Second, I felt a sense of social anxiety rush over me. Part of me feels like I can't relate to a lot of people, again because of this parallel perceptual reality, and in order to relate, I'll probably be relating to other people's trauma. This freaks me out for two reasons. One because I don't want to trauma bond with people and get into a codependent dynamic. And two because relating to people based on the traumatic things that happened to you when you're in the early stages of meeting someone is awkward and makes you look like a fucking weirdo. I know that the pandemic has given me a new flavor of crazy but I don't want my crazy vibes to attract other people with crazy vibes. And that makes me want to crawl into a hole and shut myself out even more even though I crave making new friends. That is something that I personally call cocooning. Basically I want to crawl up in my cocoon, work on myself to be the most competent version of myself, and then come out of that cocoon as this actualized butterfly. I'm tempted to go inside of this cocoon because part of me doesn't think I'm worthy of connecting to people in this state nor am I going to be able to create lasting friendships in a mindset like this. Like I remember the last time I tried to put myself out there to make friends, I did make a couple of friends mainly because we had shared experiences, those shared experiences being mostly trauma. And I outgrew those friends so quickly once I got help and got into a better mindset and next thing I know I can't relate to them. I don't want that cycle to repeat itself. I know the simple solution to this is put yourself out there but don't reveal the really personal and painful things you experienced lately. I mean having that sense of privacy is important. But the problem with that is then I find myself falling back into the whole parallel perceptual reality dynamic where I feel super isolated and possibly fake. I guess the best way I can describe this is that it's kind of like wanting a relationship but you don't want to go through with the formalities and the whole thing that is dating. Like you just want to jump straight to the point where yall are comfortable with each other, neither of you guys have shaved in 3 weeks, and yall are eating take out while watching anime. With friendships it's the same thing. I don't want to go through that whole phase where I act super normal and relatable. I want to jump to the point where I can talk about spirituality, leftist talking points, and the newest weird thing I found on the internet that I'm obsessing over. I know this is coming from a place of desperately wanting to connect and relate to people I have things in common with. As much as I hate to admit it, I crave validation. Not in *stroke my ego and call me pretty* way but more of a *I need someone to relate to so I can stop feeling crazy and I can make this parallel perceptual reality thing to go away.* And even though I crave validation and human connection, I'm so tempted to just shut up, keep quiet, act like the most vanilla version of myself, keep my head down, give up on my social life, get my degree and get the fuck out of my college. I know this is a huge limiting belief but a huge part of me doesn't see the point of trying to make friends since I'm going to graduate in like a year and a half or so. It feels to late to make friends. My whole college experience has been such a dumpster fire and I'm tempted to throw in the towel and just be antisocial.

Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 1: Quick to Move On So things are for the most part "back to normal" (whatever tf that means) where I'm at in regards to the pandemic. A large section of the population in my area is vaccinated and cases have decreased by quite a bit. I made the awful decision of redownloading my instagram last week and mentally I feel terrible. I deleted it at around February I believe so its been a few months. When I went through my feed, it's as if the pandemic was never a thing. Idk, I kept getting the impression that everyone is hanging out, partying, and travelling like normal. And I know damn well that most people weren't vaccinated in March. There is also an element of class that comes in as well. A lot of these posts that I'm talking about were coming from people who are at least upper middle class (I'm talking about partying, travelling and going to large gatherings in March, not now). I have a friend who went to a graduation party in a somewhat wealthy area a month ago where she and her family the only ones wearing masks. She mentioned how quick some people were to move on, how there is a class of people who didn't get much of the effects of the pandemic. To some people, the pandemic was simply a minor inconvenience and now it's business as usual. This is where the parallel perceptual reality comes in. Like I feel like I had a very different experience with the pandemic because of how I've been trapped inside with my not-so-healthy parents, and how we had to deal with a lot of financial issues ranging from healthcare costs to not having an income for months. And then there is my mom. I love her and her anxieties around this whole situation is valid, but she took out those anxieties on my and my dad in an unhealthy way. She went above and beyond with the precautions. The general rule was that when I come home, I have to do the laundry, wipe down everything, and take a shower before I do anything else. Every time I would try to eat something outside of the house, I would be called a Trump supporter, be accused of not taking the pandemic seriously, and basically get yelled at. I know my mom was doing a bit much. Most people just do the usual wearing a mask and washing their hands but still doing everything else like normal. But that's what was normalized in my household and I didn't exactly have a frame of reference by seeing what other people were doing in their homes because I'm so isolated from everyone. I know this might sound bad but I think this made the pandemic out to be much worse than it actually was and as a result I was psychologically impacted by this more. But yeah, it feels jarring to see everyone carry on with their lives as normal again. For me, it was like my world stopped and I was frozen in a state of trauma. I think the part from 2:40 to 3:36 where Teal talks about grief explains this well. Thankfully there is wreck-tok, basically what I call my tiktok for you page lol. There is this one tiktok that I saw that explained my situation perfectly where it's like you want to rush out there and live life normally, but it doesn't feel the same because you basically spent this entire pandemic questioning your reality, capitalism, your internal issues and a variety of social issues that are present. I'm going to link that tiktok but just incase that doesn't show up this is basically what the woman who was talking said: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdXfj1Lu/ First, her video is a response to a comment that was along the lines of "Can't believe pple are really doing the same things they've always done after what 2021 revealed to us." To that she said: I think that whole lack of self reflection as it relates to society is not something that is present in wealthier communities since it takes a lot to shake communities like that. Really wealthy communities especially live in a bubble of their own completely detached from the experiences of middle class and lower middle class people. I remember one time in college I had someone look at me in disbelief when I told them that I couldn't afford college and the only reason why I'm here is because of financial aid and scholarships. That simply didn't make sense to this individual because everyone around her could afford college and never had to think of finances and affordability a day in their lives. And I'm pretty sure that something similar is also going to go down once I go back to school to a bunch of wealthy students who barely felt of acknowledged the pandemic. It also reminds me of how I learned in one of my sociology classes on how people don't remember history, but they only remember how history relates to history to them. Meaning they don't remember how things panned out but they remember only the details that pertain to them and their survival. A good example of this was in a study where they interviewed a bunch of elderly people who were in their teens and early twenties back in the 1950s. When asked about the 1950s, typically the white people would talk about things like Elvis and the pop culture at the time while the historical events of the time were basically a side note that was happening in the background. But if you talked to people of color about the same time period, they would talk about segregation and everything that went down. The focus was very different And I can't help but think that like 60 years into the future when people ask rich white people about 2020, they are probably going to talk about more about cute tiktok dances and talking about mask acne on the side while people who are part of marginalized communities, whether it be they are people of color, working class, LGBTQ etc, will talk more about the evictions, the lockdowns, people going without paychecks, the stimulus checks, and how our politicians tried to sacrifice citizens to the capitalist lizard overlords in the name of profit by keeping the country open for the economy instead of shutting things down for everyone's safety. Yeah... if you didn't question capitalism or at the very least system racism and how you play a part in it given the current events... I don't trust you. We are not living in the same reality. Also that tiktok reminded me of another tiktok that I saw months back about a woman who realized on how she hates her job, feels like she is a cog in the capitalist machine, how she doesn't have a meaningful life or career, and how her entire lifestyle around partying, drinking, and online shopping was a coping mechanism for her stressful and soul sucking job. Basically, she realized that she was coping with the existential dread that capitalism brings with more capitalism in the form of consumerism and the only reason why she realized this was because the world went into lock down and she had no choice but to be alone with her thoughts. And to a certain extent... I feel that.

Cringing at My Transparency Whenever I share something vulnerable or personal, it's often the case that the next day I find myself cringing and feeling embarrassed for saying anything. This is especially true when it comes to the internet. I know I'm not the only one. I have seen memes in the past (can't find them now) that were along the lines of "when you go on a rant on social media and expose your feelings and now that you're feeling better you're trying to delete and clean up the mess you made." After sharing something person (outside of a therapists office), I catch myself thinking *why did I have to expose myself like that? No one needs to know about my life like that.* I'm tempted to delete my meltdown from the last few days but idk if I'm going to do that or not. Another thing that is tangentially related is the whole "what's on the internet stays on the internet" concept. I've shared some pretty personal things on here and I always have this paranoia of someone I know stumbling on this or this coming up in a background check when I apply to jobs. I have a separate email address and everything but still. This is one of the reasons why I want to be self employed tbh. I don't want to feel like I have to be super careful on what I post and what kind of image I give off. I want to be able to authentically express myself without having things at stake. Pipe dream, I know. And that brings me to another tangent that I've been thinking of and it's basically what I call the LinkedIn effect. This probably has more to do with what kind of people I'm surrounded by but because of what I'm studying, I find myself in a crowd of people who use LinkedIn like an actual social media site and try to have a super curated online presence to show their peers and potential employers how they have their lives together. The whole thing just feels weird to me. I know they are a bit on the extreme end but still. I get having a certain degree of professionalism where you aren't racist, sexist, homophobic etc. on your social media. But sometimes it feels a bit stifling where you're expected to have a certain image 24/7. Which brings me to this journal which probably consists of everything you probably don't want with your image ranging from having an existential crisis, being vulnerable with your emotions in a public platform, sharing personal details and stories, talking shit about capitalism, and basically exposing how much of a mess you are. Idk, I'm scared of these posts coming back to haunt me either through future repercussions or me just cringing at myself 5+ years from now.

@Raphael I most definitely have repressed anger. I have tried screaming into a pillow and while that helps some, I found that talking to my friend who loves to rant about things to be more effective and more entertaining lol. For me, anger is not something that I'm used to feeling. I've been looking into the utility of anger in the last year or so and just notice when I'm angry because in the past I was so repressed to the point where I couldn't even tell when I was angry.

I really appreciate you comment. It's really reassuring. After taking a couple days to step back, I am realizing just how disorienting gaslighting and emotional invalidation can be in large amounts either all at once or over time. I also really resonate with the junk food example. I found that being around my parents for short periods of time is fine but over time it really erodes my mental health. Yeah it is a really difficult dynamic. It's like you're the one that needs help but then the conversation reorients around them and you find myself helping them instead and as a result, you never get your needs met and you're always in the position of giving but never getting. It is a recurring pattern and I think this is why sometimes I end up being the "therapist friend" and why it's so easy to help other people with their issues but never giving them the opportunity to help me. It's definitely something I'm working through. Yes this is what I'm experiencing. I know that they aren't the best people to count on emotionally, but there is this part of me (I guess my inner child) that always wants to reach out and make it work and that gives in and starts opening up when I get cornered. I guess it's just the natural notion that your parents are supposed to help you and guide you? I know it's been a couple days but I'm starting to feel better now. Thanks for checking in. It was a disorienting experience. But yeah that whole "don't stress" bit resonates. Like, emotions aren't an on an off switch. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be having this conversation now.

First of all, he is crossing a boundary and that isn’t ok. Second, when have you ever felt better by emotionally opening up to your parents? Third, you were cornered and didn’t know what else to do. This is not a healthy dynamic. When someone comes to you for help, you don’t just reorient the conversation back to yourself. That then puts the person who came for you for help in the position to help you instead of getting help themselves. And the person who needs that help never gets any support and is left feeling drained. They have every right to feel the way they do but it isn't right for them to express this right at this circumstance. You have the right to feel angry. Anger is supposed to tell you when your boundaries are getting crossed and when you aren’t getting your needs met. You have told her many times that this doesn’t make you feel good but she keeps on doing it. It’s frustrating and it makes you feel unheard. You can be angry and understand that she is doing her best and that her effort has nothing to do with you. I noticed that the more distance I get from them and the more help I do end up getting, the less I want to be around them because I start to notice just how bad they are for my quality of life. That is what I have noticed with healing. I think when it comes to my parents, they have a very different view of healing were they see healing as me being best friends with them, calling them everyday, and having a happy normal family. And they see me as wanting to be more distant as a bad thing. And I think that’s natural because what parent wants to think of themselves as the toxic ones and what parent wants to have their kid to stay away from them? The possibility of whether or not I should cut them off entirely is still something that I struggle with. When I went off to college and got some distance from them, I came to this conclusion that I can still be around them because they aren’t bad people, they just suck as parents. But I’m starting to think that maybe they do suck as people. And I don’t like to admit that. I do feel a lot of guilt around admitting this. I don’t know if they suck as people or if I have too many needs that they are just unable to meet. Sometimes I do feel like my needs are too much or too unusual because their way of comforting me doesn’t feel good. Oh no they were definitely yelling at you at this point. This is straight up gaslighting. No wonder you never feel like you’re doing enough to feel better and no wonder I have issues with celebrating myself and my wins because anything short of being 100% healed and happy isn’t enough. I do genuinely feel that my therapist is helping. Again, it goes back to the whole on what they think healing looks like versus what it actually looks like. Just because you’re being provided for physically doesn’t mean you aren’t being neglected emotionally. And you’re right, those are different categories. This man has normalized feeling miserable and normalized brushing all of his emotions under a rug because he is too afraid to actually work through him. Don’t take advice and follow examples from people who you don’t want to end up like. You don’t know their situation and you don’t know what’s best for them. You’re doing what’s best for you. And maybe what’s best for you is taking more time to rebuild a more solid foundation. And yeah it isn't healthy to ruminate, but that's not what you're doing in your case. You're literally getting proe This is what happens when you get gaslighted and emotionally invalidated for hours at once and overtime. You start to feel crazy and you don’t know what to believe any more because of how much your personal truth and what people are trying to feel you contradict. It’s disorienting because on one hand you are not grounded in your personal truth and you are told that you are crazy and that you should go along with what people are telling you but on the other hand your intuition and emotions are screaming at you telling you otherwise.

Throughout the argument and even today my parents keep trying to tell me that my situation could have been much worse. They kept telling me to be grateful for the support they are providing and how I have a roof over my head. I tried to tell my dad that even though I can trust him logistically with my doctors appointments, my medication, and materially providing for me, I have issues with trusting him with my emotions. I tried to explain that those are two different categories and even though I have trust in one, I don't have it in the other. He got really offended by that. He told me that he ought to through my out of the house and come back begging so that I learn a lesson and learn to be grateful for what he provides. And honestly, I think he's right. Imagine pouring all of your effort to ensure that your child is fine only for that child to grow up, be mentally unstable, and blame you for being emotionally unavailable and claim that they can't trust you. That would be immensely painful especially if you aren't trying to hurt that child and every effort you make to help them makes that situation worse. I understand that. I feel my parent's pain. But that makes me feel guilty about my own pain. I told them that and they said that I needed a taste of my own medicine because I didn't understand how much my words hurt them. They said that what I was saying lacked emotional awareness towards what they were feeling. They're right. I have been selfishly expressing what's on my mind without any filters. I should've filtered myself out. I'm so sorry. They have done nothing but encourage me. They always tell me to "be strong" "think positive" and "keep fighting" I know they are trying to encourage me but part of me feels very unseen and hurt. It also makes me angry because I have told them before that those phrases don't help me. I don't want to be strong, I want to open up and be vulnerable. I don't want to think positive, I want my emotions and experiences be validated. I don't want to keep fighting, I want to know peace. I'm frustrated because I tell this every time I get into a discussion again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why my parents aren't understanding. I don't know how I need to say to help them understand. And honestly, I think they feel the same things when they try to help me and I tell them that they are not helping. They responded with "well those things encourage us and makes us feel better, I guess you're really sensitive and you're a rare case where this doesn't work." I know they were reflecting on their experiences but I felt like there was something wrong with me for not feeling supported. My dad told me to keep fighting today again. I'm still incredibly sensitive because I haven't fully calmed down. I told him that I'm tired of fighting, that I don't want to continue on like this. I want to know the peace that the people around me have felt all their lives because they had good childhoods. When I told him that I wanted peace, my dad told me that peace and happiness doesn't exist and that everyone is miserable, it's just that people don't show it. I know that he was trying to say this because he doesn't want me to think that I'm alone in my suffering, but it made me more depressed. I told him that I've been fighting for years and that I'm tired. I told him that I fight to get better so that I can get that peace and happiness. He then told me that doesn't exist and that I need to just brush off the past, act like the argument yesterday never happened, and move on. Because the more you try to fix these issues and you try to heal, the more it will suck you in. If you feel your feelings, you will fall into a pit. And part of me thinks that's right. It isn't healthy to ruminate. But the part where I get confused is, to what extent is me getting help rumination? To be fair, healing and self help feels like a never ending goal. I put a lot of things to the side in the name of healing and my mental health. I have made my growth my top priority and put school, friends, and a potential romantic life to the side in order to build a solid foundation. My peers didn't do that. They took whatever foundation they had, ignored it/brushed it off, and kept building. And now the people around me are getting good jobs, have amazing relationship, and are getting into good school. Meanwhile I'm stuck here. I wonder when it's going to be my turn to be happy, achieve things, and have actual milestones in my life or if I'm ever going to get to that point. I don't know where my life is headed or if it's even going anywhere. I wonder if I have anything to look forward to. And sometimes I wonder if it's worth waiting around to find out. I'm so scared. I'm so scared for the uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if this is all that my life is, a constant cycle of getting traumatized, healing, and then getting dragged into something else. I don't want to live like this. But I'm told that this is the only way to live life and that my desire to be vulnerable and have somewhere soft to land is too idealistic. This can't be all there is. And I feel selfish for wanting it to be otherwise. Why can't I accept this harsh truth about reality? Why am I this weak? I don't know what to believe any more. My emotions feel like lies. But at the same time what my parent's are saying doesn't make the most sense either. But then again they do have some points. But then again, there is a lot of gaslighting. But what if I'm just thinking that this is gaslighting because I'm offended by what they are saying because they are actually calling me out on my toxic behavior? They are my parents and they are trying to discipline me. I haven't been communicating in a calm way. I was shaking and crying for gods sake. I'm pretty sure that' s misbehavior in their eyes. After all, I wouldn't want someone to yell at me, cry, and blame me for their bad life. I'm starting to think I'm the toxic one for not having composure. I shouldn't expect people to help me, my emotions are my own business. But maybe this thinking pattern is the gaslighting in progress. I really don't know anymore. I don't know what's real and what's fake. I don't know if I'm doing this for attention. I don't know whether or not I'm the toxic one. After all I do have self bias right? My self bias wants to think that I'm the good guy. Or is this my higher self. I don't know. Nothing makes sense. I don't know. I know my last couple posts have been a lot but I thought I'd write all of this out while I remember everything and then reflect on it later. My mind feels like a jumbled mess right now and I can't tell right from wrong or real from fake. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or if I'm the manipulator. I don't know what's happening anymore. I know some people have replied and trust me I'm getting to that. I have read them and I have somethings I want to say a little later. I'm not ignoring everyone, I just need a moment.

I have been feeling really depressed and been having suicidal thoughts for the last week or so. I was going to get some food and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him that I've been feeling pretty down and then he began to interrogate me about it even though I told him I don't feel comfortable talking. He kept asking me what is wrong and you need to talk about it with me in order to feel better. I betrayed my own instincts and told him what was going on because he wouldn't stop. I hate myself for that. Then the yelling began. I tried to explain what I was going through. I told him that I felt scared, worthless, and that I feel like I'm wasting my life. He told me that my mindset was wrong and that I shouldn't feel that way. He then went on to say "don't you know how it makes me feel to see you like this? why would you do this to me? Why can't you be positive like I've been telling you." I get telling someone something along the lines of "hey it hurts me to see you like this" and I know that's probably what he meant, but maybe I'm too sensitive and I'm taking it the worst way possible. I don't know anymore. Then he starts talking about an experience he had in my age because it parallels what I'm going through. I know he is doing this to find common ground but I felt worse after it. I'm nitpicking but it felt like there was no empathy there. I felt compelled to comfort him instead but I didn't because I felt awful in the moment. I feel so selfish for not helping him. I feel selfish for wanting this conversation to be about me and the emotions I'm dealing with. Then my mom jumped in. It was the usual "be positive, be strong." That's all she knows how to say to those things. I feel so angry when she says that because it feels so empty but I don't even feel like I have the right to feel angry because I know she's doing the best that she can do. Then she and my dad goes on to say that my biggest flaw is that I don't open up to them and that I tried to cut contact when I went off to college. I know it hurts them to know that I have trouble opening up to them and that I don't call them as often as my friends call their parents. They started talking about "well xyz calls their parents every day why can't you call us ever day like a normal person? It's not like we're a toxic and broken family." Then they went on to say that what ever negative feelings I'm feeling has nothing to do with them at the present moment. To be fair, it's not like they ever shamed me for staying home instead of going to school nor did they shame me for my health issues. Things could be worse. I don't have the right to complain or feel bad. They are right in that regard. But I still felt hurt in this interaction. They accused me for bringing up the past when they were harsh towards me growing up. They were like "why can't you just move on and look forward we already said sorry. We're not hurting you now. It's in your head." I felt like I was getting yelled at but to be fair they were probably saying this in a normal voice but I was in a heightened emotional state. I was balling at this point. I told them "i'm sorry I'm having issues with trusting. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to heal. I'm doing the best I can. I'm in therapy, I'm taking my medication, I'm taking care of my health, etc." Then they said that's not enough. You're not doing enough. You need to heal faster if you ever want to get out of this. You need to stop whatever you're doing and open up to us because you can't deal with this alone nor with a therapist. The therapist isn't helping and you aren't capable of helping yourself. They are right. I can't do it myself. Look at me, I'm a wreck writing on the internet typing out long ass posts trying to make sense of all of this I told them this "i can't do this myself, I want help. But I'm so scared of opening up to you guys. I don't feel like I get the support I need." Then they said "well we are supporting you, we are there for you. You just keep bringing up the past so you can't let us in. We are helping you but you don't want to take that help." To be fair they are helping me and honestly, I feel so guilty and so defective for not receiving this help as help. I feel more wounded and hurt after their help. They are helping me but my stupid ass is too sensitive and looks into things too much and twists their words. Why can't I go along with what I know they mean? I'm smart enough to psychoanalyze what they are trying to say and act accordingly. Why do I have to go along with what they say? They began to go on this entire thing on how whenever I try to do something on my own, I take forever to fix an issue and instead I need the help of two other people. I want to believe that but I notice that whenever I ask for help from my parents, I always end up in some type of anxiety induced physical pain. Somewhere in the middle of this conversation, I found myself in the fetal position having an anxiety attack. I heard my mother say under her breath "she's hopeless god I wish I was dead." I told them "please leave the room, I need to calm down." They did that and I was left alone to calm myself down. I hate myself for being so dramatic. They're doing their best but my body is reacting this way? Why? I shouldn't be feeling this way. They are helping. I should feel helped. I eventually calm myself down but my right arm won't stop shaking. I ask my mother for help. I tell her that I'm feeling a little better but please I want my arm to stop shaking. She grabs my arm and holds it straight. It's still shaking. She says "why are you still shaking, sit still." I tell her "I don't know how to stop, please help me." She tells me to sit still and call god. Nothing is helping. She then said "I can't help you, you have to do it yourself." I told her that I know that she isn't responsible for my emotions. I then said "please help me cope, please do something to comfort me. I can't do this myself. please making the shaking stop." She yelled at me and said THEN STOP SHAKING. She held my shaking arm straight for about 39 minutes. I know she's helping but I felt so degraded after this interaction. Then I remembered that I have medication for specifically this. I took the medication and I lied down. The shaking eventually stopped. I lied in bed for the rest of the day. I felt anxious and incapable of doing much else. I also lost my appetite. My mom kept telling me that there is something wrong with my gut. I told her that when I get anxious, I lose my appetite. She won't listen. She kept telling me to go to the doctor and get that checked because there is something wrong with me and that I'm using my anxiety as a way to not get help. The conversation kept going on an on with like this for an hour until I finally gave in and said that I'll go to the doctor. It's easier to admit that I'm wrong and agree with her. I'm not done typing this out yet but I feel emotionally overwhelmed so I'll write about this later.

I cant take the emotional invalidation, the gaslighting, the yelling, the commanding, and the name calling anymore. I dont even know if I'm perceiving this stuff right. I'm going insane. I dont know if what I'm feeling is real or if there is something horribly wrong with me. I hate how the help I'm getting is hurting me because it makes me feel like I'm the defective one for not getting healed. My head is jumbled and I can't make sense of anything. I dont know right from wrong and i dont know truth from falsehood. All i know is that i want to stop feeling this way.

Yeah, a lack of integrity isn't a good sign of something lasting in the long run. I mean there isn't anything wrong with being an introvert and exploring different sides of yourself because your significant other brings out those sides of you. But I do think it can be a problem when he doesn't like something that is so you. Like he shouldn't feel that being shy/quiet is a bad thing if it's coming from a healthy and authentic place for you. I don't think that compatibility is the case. I think you're just out of his league.

I think that what is considered cheating has more to do with consent rather than the action itself. If you're in a fwb relationship, both parties are consenting that there isn't any relationship and that either party can have sex with other people if they wish to do so, so in that case it isn't cheating. If someone is an open relationship or in a polyamorous relationship, you wouldn't say that everyone is cheating on each other. I think it's important to have a conversation with your partner on what is fine and what actually hurts you in order to draw the line and keep communication clear. Like someone might think flirting with someone as not a big deal but their partner might have different boundaries. Wait so you cheat on other women but you expect women to be with you exclusively? Isn't that hypocritical?

Welcome to Wreck-Tok !!! So anyone who uses TikTok even just as a lurk account knows that that algorithm is scary in the sense that it gets really specific on your interests and it can very easily suck you into an echo chamber. Then next thing you know, you've been scrolling for two hours. There have been times where I get on tik tok and get personally attacked because my for you page (basically the explore page) is really my FOR YOU page. Before I get into that, I'm going to talk about what wreck-tok is. Because of the algorithm, after a few likes or a couple hours of scrolling, typically the algorithm gets an idea of what kind of content you're into and then you get transferred to one of the many sides of TikTok. First, we have straight-TikTok. This is where the conventionally attractive people with dance moves go (or just conventionally attractive people who post cringey thirst traps for 12 year olds). It is the side of TikTok that people typically think of when anyone mentions TikTok. You are probably going to find makeup tutorials and couples doing couple things on here as well. Whenever you download TikTok, you will end up on straight TikTok and the fastest way to get out is to search up things you actually like, like those posts, and eventually the algorithm will get the message. The first time I downloaded TikTok back in 2019, the first video I saw was of a 16 year old boy posting a thirst trap as if he was trying to seduce who ever was watching and honestly, I felt harassed and I felt like I did something illegal at the same time. It was very awkward and uncomfortable so I decided to delete the app because I felt like I was too old to be on here. I gave TikTok a second chance during the lockdown because I was bored and I managed to go to alt-TikTok without dealing with too many awkward thirst traps. Alt-TikTok also known as gay-TikTok is basically where all the cool kids who are usually considered weird by the rest of their peers go. Basically, if you aren't at straight-TikTok, you're all gay-TikTok. The girls, gays, and theys hang out here. Usually consists of cultural commentary (usually at least liberal if not leftist), cottage core lesbians, people with good fashion sense, and people who have an ongoing existential crisis. Through the broader category of gay-TikTok, through your likes, the algorithm can lead you in all types of directions ranging from the following: Witch-Tok: Here you will find tarot readers, astrology memes, people posting about angel numbers, manifestation tips, and advice regarding crystals. I like this place, it's rather entertaining. It can also lead to Spiritual-Tok. Left-Tok: Here you will find people talking about a variety of social issues regarding colonialism, the patriarchy, homophobia, the hypocrisy of U.S. foreign policy, history facts, and of course, people ranting about everything that is wrong with capitalism and how it's affecting their mental health. I found this place to be pretty educational and insightful. I do fact check things that I find out there or really interesting and left-tok has never failed me. Mental Health-Tok: Sometimes there are overlaps between this side of TikTok and things like Witch-tok or Left-tok. This side of TikTok talks about inner child work, trauma, shadow work, self love, self care, and setting boundaries. There are a lot of people who also give decent relation Aesthetic-Tok: Basically here you can find mood boards and inspiration for different aesthetics. You could be on bimbo TikTok, cottage core TikTok, e-girl TikTok, dark academia TikTok, or whatever aesthetic floats your boat. You can find outfit inspiration, day in a life content, music, and things of that nature but the difference between aesthetic-tok and straight tiktok is that there is usually a theme to this content rather than just going with whatever is super mainstream. Different Cultural TikToks: Basically sometimes you can find yourself in the side of tiktok where you're in a different country. I had a friend who accidentally somehow got to Spanish TikTok and she was really confused. I am on the south asian diaspora side of tiktok that talks about different issues that pertain to people who come from immigrant families. Usually consists of memes or actual insights. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that every subculture has it's own section. I mainly elaborated on the stuff that I encountered. Personally, I find that my for you page consists of the following: Leftists talking about racism, sexism, and late stage capitalism (and currently Bo Burnham) People trying to heal from generational trauma who are sharing their insights brown people talking about social issues in the south asian community astrology/ tarot/ manifestation people the occasional career advice / life purpose video. I also came across this one tiktok and not only does it resonate, but the comments absolute kill me : https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdHt83L6/ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdHte2Tp/ So apparently, from the stuff I listed above, I'm on Wreck-Tok. Basically, the content I'm getting is on the basis of me being a total emotional wreck at the moment. Some people were also laughing on how if you're on Wreck-Tok you're basically in the phase of your life where you are questioning everything about your life and how society is run and basically you're getting out of the matrix. And if you aren't doing in that, you're basically unconsciously going with the flow like an NPC. I just thought that was funny.

@Raptorsin7 And don't even get me started on the beauty standard thing. Sure, unless you're white, chances are you aren't conventionally attractive. But that doesn't mean you aren't attractive period. You can still be beautiful even if you don't adhere to traditional standards of beauty. Because lets be real, these standards switch up every decade or so. Just because you don't find certain groups of women attractive, doesn't mean that those women are objectively unattractive. Especially when you take things like white supremacy and gender issues into account. Often times preferences don't exist in a vacuum. Especially with a lot of South Asian cultures, Eurocentric beauty standards are pushed due to things like colonization. And it's important to be cognizant of those biases and examine them.

I vaguely remember that thread. I'm pretty sure I said that I wouldn't date a guy like you because I don't resonate with a lot of traditional values that have to do with women prioritizing home and family above all else including her career. There is nothing wrong with having a preference for a more traditional type of woman but expecting her to not have her own thing going on outside of a relationship can be pretty limiting and harmful. I don't think that guy was a bad person. I think he was very influenced by his surrounding since he lived in a very white and very conservative area. He may or may not have been dealing with people making fun of him for his culture. Plus he was literally like 13 years old at the time and probably didn't know better because he didn't cultivate a good sense of self love. I can see why he might turn out that way at that time. But nevertheless, I can recognize that he is not the type of person that I would've wanted to date or hang out with on a regular basis to protect my own sanity. You're right. My interpretations can be seen as a judgement on reality. Sure on some absolute perspective the universe is all loving and doesn't have an issue with this kind of stuff but it's important to differentiate that as an absolute position instead of applying it to a relative situation. Because when you apply absolute truths to relative situations, you run into things like false equivalencies and zen devilry. I could say that on an absolute perspective that murder is ok but that doesn't mean that I should go kill people or that I shouldn't speak out against murder to find ways to address that situation and manage human suffering. This can very well be the case. After all, the times where I was the most emotionally closed of growing up were also the times when I was the most sure that I wasn't closed off because I didn't know anything else. I don't see myself doing LSD anytime soon but I am working on this aspect of myself as an ongoing process. I grew up in a very small, predominately female middle and high school (Think less than a 100 kids and like 60-70 of them being female). I went off to college and started going to a conservative, white school (mainly due to cost and quality of education) where most of the student body is blue/ orange and if I expressed my political views, I would be characterized as some leftist nutcase. I genuinely feel that at times I can't be myself in school tbh because I just don't have much in common with people. And finally, I haven't been dating at all for more than a year and a half because of the pandemic.

YES! I tend to get so excited when I finally find people I have things in common with since it happens so rarely. Thank you, I appreciate that thought. I do have an awful habit of internalizing some issues as "something being wrong with me" when it has to do with my environment instead. So basically, what you're saying is that not clicking with someone and acting as though you're dismissive avoidant is normal to some extent and it isn't me making excuses with my individuality complex, nor is it a lack of social skills?

I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions but being less judgmental and more emotionally open are a couple goals of mine. What are some judgements that stick out to you in my writing? What is it about my writing that comes off as overly logical? This entire time I've been thinking that I am very emotionally open on here and I don't shy away from any topics so that's why I'm curious as to what my blind spots are. They aren't undesirable, just not my type. The guys that were asking me out weren't guys that I was interested in. I try to give people a chance at least with a couple dates. I just don't think I found anyone that I really click with or that I have a lot in common with especially given the area that I'm in.

Just curious, what kind of men do you think I'm looking for? What makes this unsurprising? What specifically do you think makes me come off as cold? I don't have that many issues with guys being interested in me. It's more of I'm not interested in most guys and it probably has to do with me not having much in common with the guys that do ask me out.

I'm going to be completely honest and say that I would really like the input of the people reading the last couple posts because I don't know if this is just me and I'm deluding myself or if I actually make sense. I also wonder if other people have felt the same way where they feel that they can get by in social situations without making things weird but they don't feel like they are compatible with people either platonically or romantically

Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I a Dismissive Avoidant or Am I Just Not Into You? I know in my last post I was talking about connecting with people on a platonic level. But what really got me thinking about this was me reflecting on this guy that I met on tinder that I've been talking to. Again, I have decent social skills so it isn't awkward. But I feel that because I don't emotionally resonate with this guy, the whole situation feels forced and I leave every conversation with feeling exhausted. And because I associate this dynamic with a sense of exhaustion and with this feeling of it being forced, I hesitate when it comes to starting conversations and replying to messages. The whole thing feels like work. Don't get me wrong, all relationships require effort to maintain and grow but it shouldn't be so much of a drag to where it feel more like work rather than you actually enjoying yourself. Also I'm pretty sure I've written about this in the past but I have yet to date a guy who I'm actually interested in. I have had crushed on three different guys so far and none of them liked me back (and honestly, thank god). First guy turned out to be really racist and said that he "only dates white girls because brown girls are gross and weird" despite him being brown himself. Second guy had a secret boyfriend. Third guy was my professor and even though I'm romantically attracted not to him the thought of actually acting on it or having my feelings reciprocated grosses me out. (honestly I can admit that I barely know this guy and that I'm more attracted to the idea of him and what he represents than who he actually is) I'm 1000% sure that he isn't attracted to me in the slightest. Even though none of these guys reciprocated my feelings, I have been asked out by other guys. But all of the guys I've been on dates with felt forced not only because I'm not into them but because I don't really have much in common with them. I know that I'm the common denominator in these situations so naturally I thought I was the problem and that I'm a dismissive avoidant. I'm starting to question that. I remember when I was talking to guy #2 who turned out to have a secret boyfriend, before I found that out, I was actually good friends with this guy. I was never dismissive avoidant around this guy and I think it's because I actually liked him. I had my own issues with being vulnerable and opening up back then but I wasn't leaving him on read nor did it feel like a chore to talk to him. I would look forward to talking to him and hanging out with him even if it was only platonic. We did have a couple things we had in common with one another namely our goals, ambitions, values, and our desire to get into selective colleges. Most of our conversations revolved around those things. We didn't have anything in common on a surface level so every time we would talk it would be about something deep and personal. And while that isn't bad, when all of your conversations are like that, it does feel rather off balance. I was also going through my fake deep phase at the time so I didn't realize how this wasn't the best dynamic. Basically in the end, he ended up treating me like the therapist friend. He wasn't a bad guy. In fact he met all of my standards of what I considered to be really good guy. But just because someone is a good person, doesn't mean that both of you guys will be the healthiest for each other. And as soon as we finished applying to colleges, we ceased having things in common with each other and it got awkward and forced. I guess my main issue when it comes to dating is that I can't find a guy who has all of the following: A decent guy who checks off all of the boxes when it comes to my standards of being a decent human being A guy who likes me back A guy who I have things in common with both on a deep level with values and ambitions but also on a surface level with hobbies and interests I also think that dating online and through something like tinder also doubles down on how forced the process of dating feels. I think that contributes to why I don't like dating and why that feels super exhausting but I think that's a post of it's own.

Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I Closed Off or Do We Just Not Click? Ok so I was going on a train of thought late at night and I'm still not sure where this train is taking me or if any of my thoughts make sense so get prepared for a messy train wreck of a journal entry. So lately I've been thinking about if I actually emotionally connect to and resonate with the people around me or if it's just me having basic social skills. I think most people fall into the later category. I feel like because I have many niche interest, I don't find people I have things in common with every day so as a way to cope with that, I learned how to play the social game pretty well. I'm really good at asking open ended questions, empathizing with people and their experiences, adding in a joke in the best time, knowing the best ways to handle different social situations smoothly etc. I find myself relating the extroverted dismissive avoidant that is described I believe between minute 3 and 7. I'm good at working with people and I do come off as outgoing at times. I do tend to be a bit more of a floater and I can socially connect to people but not necessarily emotionally connect with them. And while I don't come off as warm, I don't come off as cold either. The video talks about coming off as lukewarm but I think in my experience I come off as warm but with a wall of competence around me that makes me look more polished so as a result, people don't feel the complete amount of warmth from me even if they can sense that it's there. The parts that I can't relate to is an avoidance for deep conversations and not understanding why people have extreme emotional reactions. If anything, people tell me that I'm really good at having conversations irl. But even though people tell me that they always have a good insightful conversation with me, I always find myself feeling exhausted after the interaction or that I didn't actually connect with that person. At the same time, there are people who I have clicked with instantly and I've felt as if I could talk to them for hours and still not get exhausted. I believe it's because I actually create an emotional connection with the later group and as a result I feel more authentic and therefore I'm in more alignment with who I actually am rather than in a place of resistance. And I think the thing that differentiates the groups of people I socially connect with versus the people I emotionally connect with has to do with to what extent me and the other person have things in common with each other. There is a bit of shame that I sensed when I realized that I tend to connect with people better because I have things in common with them. It goes back to this whole thing: The shame also comes from me remembering what I was like in middle school and how back then I had the worst individuality complex. I remember that back when I was 13, I was in my peak "I'm not like other girls" phase and I also took the MBTI test where I found out that I'm an INTJ which is also like a super rare type for a woman. My individuality complex kicked in and used this as an excuse for not being able to connect with people and having shit social skills. I built a whole web of limiting beliefs especially around interacting with other women at the time. I have since then dismantled most of those beliefs and adopted this mentality of "I don't need to have a lot in common with someone in order to connect with them." I definitely think there is some truth to that because you shouldn't limit your social circle to people who are like carbon copies of yourself but at the same time I think it is limited because I think for me that caused me to force connections with people that I didn't have things in common with and that I couldn't feel like I can truly let loose and be myself around. It also caused me to internalize when I don't click with someone as "social failings" because that train of thought is more along the lines of "I didn't click with this person because I'm not interesting enough and I have shit social skills" instead of being "I didn't click with this person because we simply don't have much in common with each other." There is also a chunk of time where I don't socially or emotionally connect to people. And in those times I don't come off as an outgoing social butterfly nor do I actually emotionally connect to the other person. This is kind of mean but I remember talking about something with a friend regarding being socially anxious or awkward around this group of guys we used to hang out with growing up and my friend was like "you're actually really confident and outgoing. The thing is that you can't relate to stupid people. It's like you're on a different plane of understanding your world and they can't relate to or understand what you're talking about." This friend isn't super spiritually aligned but I think if she was exposed to those topics more, she would say something along the lines of not being in the same level of consciousness instead. I think the overall thing I'm trying to say is that the less I have in common with someone whether it comes to values or interests, the more closed off and more avoidant I come off. It's not that I'm super closed off, it' s more along the lines of the fact that I haven't found "my people" yet. And when I do try to connect with people I don't have much in common with, I can socially connect with people but on some level it still feels forced and inauthentic which results in a sense of exhaustion after that interaction which then leads me to believe that I'm this huge introvert when I'm not. Because when I find people that I click with and actually have things in common with, I can't stfu and I feel more energized from that interaction. Every time I have clicked with someone, they describe me as an extrovert but every time I run into an acquaintance or someone I don't have much in common with, then they describe as an introvert.

@Zigzag Idiot I do believe that there was a study done about the emotional availability between genders in a platonic context. The results were along the lines of two women together have a more emotionally intimate bond. The next down the list is a woman and a man. Then the least emotionally intimate bond is between two men. The interpretations of these results are that both genders are more likely to open up in the presence of a woman and a lot of it has to do with how women are more socialized to be more open with their emotions and expressions. There is also a connotation that women are more caring and therefore needs to take the more compassionate role in a relationship. I also believe there was another different study that showed that it isn't uncommon for women to have to do most of the emotional labor in a romantic dynamic because a lot of men, since they don't have many emotionally intimate friendships, they tend to offload EVERYTHING onto their girlfriends. Also women do tend to be more physically affectionate with their friends. It isn't so much that they are a few mixed drinks away from having a same sex experience lol but it's more along the lines of if two women are good friends, it isn't super uncommon to hold hands and cuddle with each other or hell kiss each other on the cheek. There is also a joke on how a lot of lesbians have trouble differentiating if a girl is being an affectionate friend or if they are actually gay and flirting with them. Whereas with men, they can't compliment each other without it being followed with "no homo." To me, homophobia, sexism, and emotional unavailability are all connected because of how systemically, men are discouraged from embracing their femininity because there is an assumption that if they do, they aren't manly enough and therefore won't get the approval from other men.

The longer I'm on this forum, the more I feel that a lot of the people are are orange but they think they are yellow. They have the blue shadow because they are at orange but they also are resistant to green because it is seen as lower in consciousness compared to yellow. I feel that a lot of people on here are so quick to point out the short comings of green without fully integrating it into themselves. I also think it's important to take things like race, politics, and gender into consideration when discussing things related to romance, sex, and intimacy because those things don't exist in a vacuum (ESPECIALLY when it comes to gender issues). We need to stop treating issues like sexual assault and racism in dating as some type of one off horror story and see it in a more systemic way. I think that's what's wrong with this forum. For women, the stories on here don't shock us because it's so common but men tend to see this in a context of an isolated case which then results in them perpetuating a lot of the bs that further perpetuate the issue.

So I'm talking to this guy I met on tinder and we made a plan to go on our first date in a few days. He's texting me everyday. It isn't coming off as clingy because it's mostly "hey, how's your day?" kind of stuff but to me it feels too frequent. I don't even talk to my friends on a daily basis so this feels like a little much considering we aren't even that close yet and we haven't even gone on a date. I guess my idea of normal might be like twice a week or longer without contact? Then again I tend to have lower social needs than a lot of people. Is talking to someone you're dating everyday normal or am I just not used to this much attention from one person? Also, since I'm at this topic of what is normal in a relationship, what is a normal pace of a relationship? I'm familiar about what is rushed and why that can come with a plethora of red flags but I'm not sure what's a regular, healthy pace. How long does it take before you guys actually feel like yall know each other? How long is it until you actually develop feelings for each other and a sense of excitement? How long does it normally take before you guys say "I love you" to each other? What's a normal amount of time to date someone before getting into a commitment with them?

Owning a house isn't really one of my goals. Personally, I just really like the idea of living in a small apartment and using my space efficiently instead of having a bunch of extra space I don't really use. I also don't want to live in a suburb. Maybe I might want to live in a larger apartment if I have a family but as far as a house goes, I just don't see it fitting into my life until I'm old and I'm living my life in the country side. I get that homeownership is an investment and renting doesn't give you anything in the long run. Like logically it makes sense to want to own a home. But it doesn't resonate with me like at all. It makes sense but it doesn't seem as fulfilling to me as other people make it out to be. Am I just crazy, too young, and naive for thinking this?