soos_mite_ah

It's been more than 2 weeks since that arguement. While I dont feel disoriented anymore, I feel incredibly lonely and isolated and I feel that I cant really talk to people in my real life about any of this. I still feel like I'm making to big of a deal about everything and I hate how I cant move on. I hate how I feel so weak for being traumatized like this. I mean, that feels like such a large dramatic word to use in the first place. On top of that, I'm still terrified of starting school because of how bad things was academically and personally for me. My self esteem and feelings of capability are nonexistent. I'm really socially anxious about returning. I'm tempted to isolate. I still dont know where tf I'm heading or if my life is heading anywhere at all. I dont know if things will be ok and sometimes I wonder if its worth sticking around to find out. Do people who are in positions like me, do they get out? Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like? Life just feels like an endless cycle of being traumatized and trying to heal from it. I don't want go live like this. I have no friends I feel I can go to, no set career goals, no feelings of accomplishment, and I'm left feeling unsupported. I dont feel like I have anything going for me tbh. I've been feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely for the last month or so now if I'm correct and even though I know what I feel isnt the best representation of reality, I really do feel like I havent made any improvement or any growth at all in the last few months.

A Dialog Between My Inner Parent and My Inner Child I think my voice of self love is much like a strict, over protective parent. That parent wants to protect the kid because they love them and wants what's best for them. That parent wouldn't be able to forgive themselves if they made a decision that got that kid hurt. If my voice of self love is that parent, I would say the kid is my vulnerability/ inner child. Upon writing the previous post, I feel like my inner child and my inner parent are at odds. The whole thing is a metaphor and I'll be putting in parenthesis what each element of the story represents in my inner dialog My inner child feels like her needs aren't being met. She wants to go out and play ( let loose and connect with people both romantically and platonically) and feels really isolated and tired from doing work. My inner parent is telling the child that she needs to do her homework before going out with her friends. (That homework is the self development work which includes getting a solid group friends, figure out life purpose etc). The parent wants everything to be taken care in school (to get their life together) before allowing the child have fun (go out and make friends and get into a relationship). But the child feels like the parent is too strict and that even if all of the homework is done, the parent will find more things that are wrong and will then tell the child to do that, causing the child to never go out (there is always self development work to do, it's a life long process. waiting to be a perfect version of yourself means that you'll basically be waiting forever and avoiding the thing you want to do). The parent wants to be firm on those boundaries because they feel that they know what's best for the kid. They don't feel ready for the child to go out yet and is afraid that the child hasn't learned enough lessons and matured enough to go out and not hurt themselves. The child feels like this is like a form of conditional love, that they aren't worthy of going out until they finish their work. After all, her needs aren't being met and she feel really isolated. After all, all the other kids get to out and play even if they haven't done their work (Everyone else is making friends and having romantic relationships despite not working on themselves. Why do I have to stay in side and nitpick every little thing?) The parent wants what's best for the kid and wants to give the kid the world. Despite this, the parent is seeing that their kid isn't reacting well and sees what other parents are going and now is doubting whether nor not they are being over protective. Are they being too critical? Are they stopping the kid from being a kid by giving them unrealistic expectations? (Am I stopping myself from connecting with people and being vulnerable? Am I self sabotaging? Or am I being cautious for good reason?) The kid is now throwing a tantrum and wants to go out more than ever (I have been romantically thirsty for like 4 years straight). The parent isn't sure if this is the time to dig in their heels and enforce strict boundaries because the child is acting out and since the child isn't in it's right mind (really wants a romantic relationship) the child is even more likely to hurt themselves. Or if they need to loosen the boundaries because the boundaries are too much causing the child to act out this way (not sure if I took too much time for actualization that I ended up isolating myself and harming myself). The child is also conflicted because on one hand the parent has a valid point but on the other hand, the child can see the limitations of the parent's decision and thinks it's fear based and thinks the parent is over reacting especially compared to other parents. The kid argues that she'll learn and grow more if she is out with playing with other kids instead of staying at home and doing work (part of me thinks that I would grow more if I put myself out there socially and romantically instead of staying in and working on myself). The parent sees the point but also knows just how harsh other kids are and is afraid that their kid will hang out with the wrong crowd because the kid is irritated and is throwing a tantrum (If I don't heal my inner child by doing my work, I'm left in a more vulnerable position that could attract other people who are just as hurt as I am and that could be toxic). The kid argues that she already spent time on the work even though the work isn't 100% done and that they know better than to hang out with the wrong crowd who doesn't do any work at all. (I feel like I am self aware enough to not get myself into a bad situation and that I know all of the warning signs and even though I'm not perfect, I'm not about to date anyone who hasn't done any work on themselves at all). The parent knows that if they stick to their instincts and their boundaries, the child will grow up in one of two ways. Either the child will grow up and see the parents as being to harsh and resent them or she will grow up and see that the parents were right and be grateful towards them.

I Don't Feel Worthy of a Relationship... Yet I really want to put myself out there, date, and get into a relationship. So why am I not doing that? Well it's because I don't have a solid circle of friends and because I don't have clear career goals with my life purpose yet. I'm also not developed enough as far as emotional maturity goes and I don't love myself 100%. There is this quote that I often catch myself referring to when I really want to put myself out there and that quote is "you can't love others or let other people love you until you love yourself." I think there is a lot of truth to that. We can only love as much as our level of consciousness and development allows us to love. If we don't love ourselves, we're more likely to let people in who don't have our best intentions and who will hurt us. We will allow behavior that is not ok and we won't take in the healthiest form of love unless we love ourselves. But I think I've gone too far with this quote. I know this is not the way to interpret that quote but there is a part of me that feels like I can't love or be loved until I'm healed enough. There is no way that anyone will love me if I'm anxious, depressed, or just don't have my life fully together, at least not in a healthy way. There is no way that my judgement is going to be clear enough until I have my life fully together to where I can make good decisions. I can't trust myself fully to make the right decision when it comes to choosing who to be in a relationship or friendship with until I am 100% happy with my life. This leads me to want to hide under a rock and work on self development stuff in order to fix myself. There is also another quote that is along the lines of "we accept the love we think we deserve." And I think I have a very all or nothing approach to that. I deserve the best, the healthiest, the most actualized relationship, or I deserve nothing. I deserve the world or I deserve absolutely nothing. And for me to deserve everything, I need to be everything. I think people only see the first part when they see that I have high standards for guys. They're like "yes you do deserve an amazing guy and it's great that you aren't willing to settle." But most people don't see the second part which is I deserve absolutely nothing. They don't realize that I hold myself to an even higher standard. If there is a man that checks everything standard I have and he is willing to be in a relationship with me, I can't say whether or not I would let that person in. I might, because I deserve all of that. Or I might not, because there is so much work I need to do on myself before letting a person like that in. If he is all that, he, like me, deserves the best. But if I'm not at my best and I don't feel that I can give him the best, I would rather have him go free and find someone else. I did encounter a situation like this one time a few years back. I really liked this guy and I knew that at one point he liked me back. But I never pursued it because I made a promise to myself that I would move out, go to college, get therapy, and get to a stable place in my life first before even thinking about dating. That was a difficult decision. In hindsight, I think I did make the right decision. Looking back, neither he or I were in the right mind and that could have easily led to a codependent dynamic. I didn't even know what that was at 17. I don't think I could forgive myself if I got myself into a dysfunctional relationship like that. People often fall into shame and guilt when they feel like there was an element of choice in a situation and they chose the wrong choice. For example, the people that shame gay people for being gay are often the people who feel like gay chose to be gay. The reason why I never was ashamed for the abusive relationship that I have with my parents is because I didn't chose to be born to my parents. It was just the situation I was born into. But if I got myself into a dysfunctional relationship, I would 100% feel a sense of shame in that for not making good decisions. I remember one time I did beat myself up for liking a guy who wasn't the best for me at 12. When I found out that he rejected me for being brown, I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself to sleep not because of what he said, but because I liked this person in the first place. I hated myself for falling so easily with no thought at all for what I was and was not willing to tolerate. And while I did learn a valuable lesson on having standards and boundaries, I didn't trust myself to like the right people. Which led me to be more closed off like in the situation that I got into at 17. I think an element of that lack of self trust is still there now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few months back I was having a conversation with a friend. We were talking about body image issues and she mentioned to me that she really doesn't want to date until she loses weight and gets her skin cleared up. She wants to date feeling like the most confident version of herself. I said something along the lines of "I respect you for wanting to be confident when you put yourself out there and you should do that when you feel ready, but why wait to lose weight and clear up your skin before you feel confident? It sounds like you're putting up requirements for yourself, like you can't be confident and start dating until xyz. It feels like you're giving yourself conditional self love. And again, you shouldn't date if you don't feel ready, but I don't know if this hesitation is coming from the healthiest place." I'm thinking about that now. Instead of wanting to lose weight and clear up my skin, it's like I want my life and my emotions to be a certain way before I allow myself to let myself love and be loved. It's conditional self love. It's like I'm not worthy of love if I have any amount of neurosis in me. I think there are a few of factors involved. I never got love and support when I feel upset growing up and instead got emotional invalidation so as a result I feel like I have to do everything on my own because I don't deserve to be "supported" by the ways my parents treated me and instead I have to be vigilant protect my own energy. Difficult relationships often make people feel like they are "broken goods that needs fixing" and while I don't wallow in my brokenness, I hyper focus on fixing myself. I never had an example of painful emotions being expressed in a healthy way from my parents and instead my parent's difficult emotions were always been taken out on other people in the most unhealthy way possible. As a result, I always feel like I'm being toxic and burdensome when I'm expressing negative emotions or when I'm going through something even though I'm explaining the problem in a healthy and constructive way. I never really had an example of two people who weren't perfectly trauma free but still managed to have a healthy relationship. So as a result, I'm scared that any amount of trauma or dysfunction in my life is going to lead me straight to hell.

My Story of Class Consciousness I really liked Tiffany's video on the role of wealth and class in life style content. Though there isn't any one part of the video that really stuck out to me, I found myself reflecting on how class impacts my experiences and how my sense of class consciousness evolved over the years. ***NOTE: This post is a place holder for myself to write about this because I have been putting off writing about this specific topic.

Future Posts Brainstorm: As I have been writing these posts, I have been thinking about how I could write another post going in-depth of a tangent that I caught myself drifting off to. Even throughout my day I have been getting ideas for more and more topics I could talk about. I thought I'd list some of that out just kind of as a sticky note to myself but also a preview of what's to come Also, if anyone else has any more ideas about what else I could write and reflect about, as usual, feel free to offer input. My Relationship with Porn The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual Using Your Love Language for Self-Care The Diversity of Asexuality Nudism Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Exhibitionism My Thoughts on Monogamy Purity Culture Thoughts on NoFap Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex Kink Shaming My Fears Around Pregnancy K Dramas and the Female Gaze Does Sex Actually Sell? Asexual Stereotypes Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation Infantilizing Lack of Experience Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands Somethings I Want for My First Time Sex Addition and Hyper Sexuality Things and People I'm Attracted To Friend Zoning FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers Foreplay and Aftercare The Online BDSM Test The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men Art Work That I Really Like Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages Sugar Baby Culture My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

Upsetero Hetero: My Experience I mentioned in a previous post, the possibility of me being asexual was easier for me to accept than the possibility of me being straight despite the fact that asexual people are marginalized and have to deal with all types of crap. When I realized that I might be asexual, I was like *Oh, I'm asexual. Interesting. That makes sense.* When I started thinking I was straight I was like *eww, I'm straight. Fuck. I'm more confused now.* And I don't think it has to do with the fact that I'm going to have to deal with straight men. Even when I considered myself asexual, I was still romantically attracted to men and wanted a relationship. Considering the fact that there aren't that many asexual men, at least asexual men that I met, I basically settled on the idea that I'm probably going to date and marry a straight man (more on that later). I think part of the reason why I was like *eww, I'm straight* had to do with me making fun of straight culture like I talked about in the first Upsetero Hetero post. Straight people aren't the problem. It's the people who cling onto their straightness and cling to the concept of boundaries and how all of that can manifest in cringey, tone deaf ways. And the fact that my sexual orientation is associated with the aggressively straight, stage orange people is just eww. I think the other part of the reason why I was like *eww, I'm straight* is because I feel like my needs and wants in a relationship mirrors that of the stereotypical straight woman. I know this is internalized misogyny and my inner NLOG (not like other girls) coming out and even though I feel like I have dealt with most of my hang ups regarding femininity and my NLOG tendencies a couple years back, it's been interesting watching that come up again. For me, the stereotypical straight women shit that I find myself relating to is the amount I care about emotional intimacy in a relationship whether that is sexual or romantic. Also there is the typical wanting flowers and chocolate, wanting men to express their emotions thing, and wanting slow and gentle sex. And I want to underscore that there is nothing wrong with any of those things. But there is a part of me that feels overly sentimental for wanting those things and I think part of it has to do with hook up culture, how violent porn is becoming more mainstream, and how just in general women are painted as too demanding and too emotional. Each of those things can have it's own post. (side note: I swear the more I write in this journal, the more I realize how much I have to say on this topic. There was a part of me that thought this journal was just going to be me horny posting but I guess not lol) I think when I was asexual, those desires I listed above could have been interpreted in a different way. It was more along the lines of *this person puts a lot of emphasis on emotional connection and romantic attraction because they don't feel sexual attraction.* But now that I'm straight, those desires take on the interpretation of *she's a stereotypical woman wanting stereotypical cliché woman things.* That interpretation has me feeling more boxed in. Also I want to note that a lot of women who go through the NLOG phase often say that they are "not like other girls" because they simply don't want to be seen as the stereotype of woman and girlhood. They don't want to be seen as the caricature of pink, makeup, boobs, and cattiness that society tends to portray women as even thought that isn't the case and women are just as complex and nuanced as men are. And while most people can agree that NLOGs are insufferable and are basically the female equivalent of the Nice Guy, I think a lot of women can still empathize with NLOGs

Upsetero Heteros: Wine Moms Currently I have a part time job at a store that sells home decor. And in that store, I encounter a lot of decorative pieces and signs that play into the wine mom trope. It's usually cliche sayings like "it's wine o'clock" or "all you need is wine." As a result I started thinking about this trope. Why is drinking a ton of wine related to the female experience, particularly when it comes to motherhood. And to a certain extent, why is alcoholism normalized as a coping mechanism for moms and played out as a running joke. I found this article really insightful and though I think people need to read the whole thing, I decided to highlight and quote parts of it that I found particularly insightful. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/05/wine-moms-explained/612001/ The reason why I decided to include this in my little section about heterofatalism is because I think it continues on with the whole "why women are more likely to be unhappily married and stressed" thing. I think that the last quote I copied and pasted summarizes the whole situation the best. I also think that wine mom jokes are the millennial equivalent of the boomer "I hate my wife" jokes. Both of them have to do with a sense of heterofatalism and how it comes from dealing with misogyny. I don't have to elaborate on the "I hate my wife" jokes but when it comes to wine moms, again a lot of it comes down to inadequate social support. Naturally, it comes down to, where tf is the husband in all of this? Like I mentioned in the previous post, men are still unlikely to help out with household chores and child care to a certain extent. Those usually fall under gendered expectations for the woman. In my opinion, I do think we have come a long way since the 50's when it comes to gender roles. Women are allowed to embrace their masculinity and are allowed to have independence from the home and support themselves. But there is an entire other half that is ignored when it comes to breaking down gender roles and that is the acceptance of femininity in general, but especially when it comes to men. There is such a stigma when it comes to femininity and how it's seen as weak and shameful and how integrating that aspect of oneself is taking away from one's masculinity. And that leads to all type of issues not only in marriages, but in all stages of a relationship from attraction, to dating, and to being in a relationship period.

Or maybe they didn't have those intentions and I simply wasn't their type. It goes both ways. I know plenty of guys who I think are attractive but personally I'm not into them that way for whatever reason or because they aren't my type. Friend zoning (I hate that term btw) doesn't always come down to attractiveness. A lot of it is just compatibility and chemistry.

Currently I'm in the mood for someone to touch my face. Three things come to mind. Someone squishing my face playfully because I have round chubby cheeks a guy getting really close to my face and holding my face while looking into my eyes me sitting down somewhere with a man standing in front of me holding my chin up so I look/face up to him

Upsetero Heteros: Are the Straights Ok? I find it interesting that when I first thought I was asexual, that was easier to accept than the possibility that I may be straight now. I found this video recently about heterofatalism and I thought it was really interesting. In the first section from 1:49 to 16:35 the video talks about what straight culture even is and what do LGBTQ people mean when they make fun of straight culture. I really liked this quote about straight culture: I think the reason why a lot of LGBTQ people make fun of straight people isn't about making fun of being attracted to the opposite sex as it's more so about the rigid gender roles, how it boxes people in, and how awkward that can be because it feels so forced but then those people go on to complain about gayness being unnatural. Like the same people that have their kids wear shit like this: are the same people who believe that gay people are pushing an agenda towards children simply by existing without having the self awareness to see how what they're doing is pushing an agenda of how boys and girls inherently behave in different ways. Personally, when it comes to things like dating and relationship advice, my general rule of thumb is that if the piece of advice can be applicable to both men and women, it's generally good advice, but if the advice has undertones of *men are from mars, women are from venus* it's usually cringe at best (like how you can't approach a guy if you're a woman and you can't double text or else he'll think you're too easy) or straight up dangerous at worse (hypergamy, red pill, black pill). Also, if a dating advice person has an attitude that the opposite sex is like from a different planet because men and women are inherently different on a psychological level, that usually tells me that this person views people through the lens of overly simplified binaries to group people rather than as complex and holistic human. Also another thing that weirds me out is the whole notion that men and women can't be friends. I've heard both men and women say this and it always felt weird because I have plenty of experiences with guys who I was just friends with and nothing happened at all. It's the same with how some women see guys who have female friends as red flags. In my opinion, if anything is a red flag it's men with no female friends at all. Here's my reasoning. A man who doesn't have female friends or relationships with women that are strictly platonic, he is not friends to women. They might be friendly, but there is an agenda involved. If a man can't be friends with a woman without an agenda or without feeling like that he has to be attracted to her in order to talk to her period, he doesn't view women as human beings to connect to rather he sees them simply as a vehicle of pleasure. And don't get me wrong, this isn't about being friends with someone and developing feelings. That's natural, it happens. What I'm talking about is not seeing a woman as playing any role in your life other than like family, or being a love interest. The whole thing also reeks of the madonna whore complex which I can do another post on. Men who do have female tend to also be comfortable with both their masculinity and femininity and they also tend to be much more informed and therefore able to empathize with women. Additionally, for the women who are like *my man isn't allowed to have female friends,* my question is, what are you afraid of? Do you really have that many trust issues with your man to where you don't have faith that he will stay faithful or do you secretly have a hunch that your boyfriend is one of those guys who mainly view women through the lens of what can he get out of it sexually or romantically. Men who are only friends with other men and don't try to be friends with and get to know a woman outside of a sexual or romantic relationship gives me the same energy of white people only having white friends despite living in a diverse area and only having that one token POC friend. Annnyyywaaaay tangent aside, back to the video>>>>>>>>>> After discussing what straight culture is the video then goes on to discuss what heterofatalism is. It's basically the dissatisfaction, regret, embarrassment, or hopelessness about the straight experience. While both topics are covered in this section, when the section first began, I thought of two things. One is women complaining about being attracted to men because they are a pain in the ass to deal with and as a result wishing they were gay. And two, the statistic that is along the lines of how single and child free women tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer than women who get married and have kids. The same isn't true for men and the findings are along the lines of men who are married and have kids tend to be happier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts. Ok soo... there's a lot of dissect here. I'll start with complaining about being attracted to men because they're a pain the ass and how some women joke about how they wish they were only attracted to women. I don't think it comes from a place of putting being a lesbian on a pedestal and assuming that lesbian women have it better. By listening to my females friends who date women, women are also a pain in the ass. And if you're bisexual, you get screwed over by everyone. Even then, men are a specific type of pain in the ass and a lot of it has to do with misogyny as well as how men are socialized and expected to act a certain way in order to be considered "man enough." And sometimes, you're just done with dealing with this type of bs. Then there is the statistic that I mentioned before. A lot of the reason why married women are more likely to be unhappily married is because they are more likely to be stressed and overworked. It's like working a double shift. You come home from work and instead of relaxing like your husband, you're the one who is expected to do all of the domestic work and raise the kids, leaving you little to no time for yourself. The video did touch on how even though people think that marriage is more equal, men of this generation is still just as unlikely to help out at home with domestic duties as their fathers and grandfathers. And in some ways, I do think that it was better in the 1950s because you didn't have to do this whole double shift thing and you were a stay at home mom/wife. But I don't think we should go back to the 1950s for obvious reasons. I think on top of dealing with the gender roles that are applied to men, we need to address capitalism because the whole 40 hour work week was designed with the assumption that the man is the primary bread earner and he has a wife that does all of the domestic work while he's away. But when you have both people working, it can be very overwhelming and feel like you don't have time to do the things you need to get done so that you can finally do the things you want to do but that's a whole nother topic.

You're fine. It's natural and it happens. imo as long as people read the room and don't get triggered when the other person says no, it isn't entitlement. I mean, intrusive thoughts can come up. Maybe I'm projecting my situation, but did you have any feelings for this girl sexual or romantic outside of that interaction? But in my situation, I'm pretty sure he had no feelings for me whatsoever. I knew his friends and my friends never picked up on anything from either of our ends and everyone knew the status of the situation except acquaintances I didn't interact with much. On top of that, I knew exactly who he was into, who he was stuck on because he caught feelings he couldn't get rid of, and what kind of girls he was attracted to and never did I get the suspicion that I fell in any of those categories. And honestly, i didn't care because I wasn't into him in that way either. I remember one time he was dating one of my friends and I didn't know because they were still in the early stages of the relationship and didn't really tell anyone. I was still cuddling with this guy and when I found out. I got irritated because that is important information and I don't want to be THAT person but he was basically "I didn't think it was important to say anything because one there is nothing going on between us and two she and I wanted to keep things low key for the first month or so." I confronted my friend just to make sure and told her that I didn't know about them two and that even though there was nothing going on between me and this guy that I don't mind keeping distance just to show respect for the relationship. Because she was my friend, she knew that there was nothing going on between me and him and she was like, "no, you're fine. it doesn't bother me at all.* But if there was ever a chance he felt some type of way towards me, it would make sense why he never said or do anything because I was openly asexual at the time.

@RendHeaven Lol he was fine. He wasn't sexually or romantically romantically attracted to me. It was just no strings attached affection. No hearts were broken and no balls were turned blue.

First of all, I want to say thank you, I'm flattered. I think the reason why I think I might cringe at the title is because I don't have much of an idea of what direction this journal is going to go in. I started this on a whim similar to my main journal. After making The Joy Journal, a couple months later I found myself thinking *ahh shit I came up with a better fitting title because now I know what direction this journal ended up taking.* I read this book about awkwardness a few months back that had an interesting perspective on awkwardness. Basically, often times, awkwardness occurs when you present an unpolished version of yourself that contradicts your perception of yourself or other people's perception on you. It's like they get a peek behind the curtain. And what's more seemingly unpolished than a previous version of yourself that you recently rethought or outgrew? I watched a video about cringe attacks a while and the conclusion in that video was along the lines of how we cringe at our past selves because it's an uncomfortable piece of evidence of self growth. I don't think cringing is necessarily something that needs to be overcome so long as it's not causing too many issues. It's just like any other emotion that comes and goes and as long as it doesn't linger and cause problems, it's good. Sometimes you can just feel it and move on because like any other unpleasant feeling, it can be very revealing and very healthy when it comes to self reflection. Yeah, it's been pretty weird. I confidently identified as asexual for 7 years so doubting something that I was so sure of has been interesting to say the least. I guess any label you assign to your sexuality or sexual orientation can be a placeholder because sexuality is fluid. At the same time, I think it's still important to honor whatever you identify as and accept it as a part of your experience and as it is real even if it was just for a moment. Like I don't think that me identifying as asexual was fake or any less real back then compared whatever I'm figuring out now. Yeah navigating romantic attraction in a world that meshes romantic and sexual attraction together can be challenging because it's not the perspective or experience that is often talked about and represented. I have had to figure out how to navigate dating as someone who was heteroromantic, but not exactly straight and yeah it wasn't super clean cut. Mostly no, I haven't had much luck with online dating. A lot of it imo has to do with how the whole experience is structed rather than individual people. I'm more interesting in doing things in person because it feels more natural. I did write a post about how online dating for me felt really forced when it came to the romantic, emotionally intimate, trust building side of things. I also think that technology to a certain extent can bring out our inner sociopath because everything is behind a screen and doesn't feel real and as a result it's super easy to brush someone off and swipe left even though in person you'd probably at least would try to have a simple conversation with them. With tinder specifically, I think by design it is very surface level because most of it is based off of looks (though I think things have gotten a little better with them including hobbies/ interests in the form of little, very visible hashtags, but it's still not much better).

How Being Asexual Made Me More Mindful in Attraction I find it very interesting and ironic how being asexual through my teen years made me more in touch with my sexuality and experiences with attraction. Like I know that what I was experiencing was experienced by others so it's not like I was stumbling into new territory but being asexual and figuring out that identity made me dissect those experiences more. I'm going to start with talking about attraction in this post. Typically when people think of attraction, people just think of regular sexual attraction. But when I was asexual, I didn't feel that sexual attraction towards anyone by definition. However, I still felt attraction towards people but it was in an aesthetic sense, a platonic sense, a romantic sense, or in a sensual sense. I think this picture explains things really well. And personally the impression that I got from people who didn't identify as asexual was that to a lot of people attraction is kind of a monolith that always leads back to sexual attraction. For example, people mesh together romantic attraction with sexual attraction as that tends to go hand and hand with most people. But as someone who was asexual, I have experienced romantic attraction in the absence of sexual attraction. And I don't think I'm alone in that regarding my sexuality. Like most people even if they aren't asexual have experienced that but a lot of people never slowed down to question it. For example, a lot of kids before hitting puberty have experienced a crush or two. But there was never anything sexual behind it because i mean yall were children who didn't go through puberty yet. But most kids don't grow up and identify as a sexual meaning feeling romantic attraction and feeling sexual attraction are different things and they don't always go hand in hand and this experience isn't just isolated to people who are asexual. Asexual people imo are more likely to be able to differentiated it because things don't lump together. When it comes to aesthetic attraction, I think that's were a lot of people would doubt me when I identified as asexual. Even when I was asexual, I still found people beautiful or even hot. And when I would say something along the lines "oh he's cute" people would jump and think it's a *got ya* moment. Then I would explain to them what aesthetic attraction was. And I would describe it as looking at people like paintings. I can think a painting is beautiful without having the urge to fuck the starry night. Or another example would be how girls think others girls are beautiful all the time despite most girls identifying as straight. Again, differentiating between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction isn't an exclusively asexual experience, you're more likely to be able to see the contrast between the two because you don't feel one of them in the first place. I would say a really common experience is being able to notice when someone is conventionally attractive but not getting the hype because that person isn't making you feel some type of way. It's like *oh cool, she has a really symmetrical face. ANYWAY, back to what I was doing.* It's kind of like watching those oddly satisfying videos of kinetic sand being cut into perfect slices. I think a good example of people meshing aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction together is when for example a woman thinks another woman is really attractive and says something along the lines of *this person is so attractive that I think I would go gay for them.* Lets be real, they're probably not having sexual fantasies about that person, they just think they're really beautiful. They're just very aesthetically attracted to that person. I know that quote is an exaggeration, but the figure of speech still proves a point of how aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction mesh together. Then there is sensual attraction. I'm a very physically affectionate person. I've always been a hugger. I've always been comfortable with touch. A lot of it probably has to do with my upbringing. My entire family is like this. Even though I'm 21 I still cuddle with my parents, yes even my dad. And I guess to some people that's really weird because they sexualize showing affection. I have heard stories of some dads who refuse to hug their daughters after they go through puberty because they think it's weird. And I think that's so heartbreaking. Ok so I'm not trying to say that I'm sensually attracted to my parents, but what I'm trying to say that some people sexualize any type of physical affection even if it's not inherently sexual. IMO cuddling isn't weird unless you make it weird. And I have felt sensual attraction toward people and again people think it's a *got ya* moment. There was a guy that I went to school with and we were cuddle buddies. I loved playing with his hair, holding his hand, and curling up next to him. And people would sit there like *alright let's bet how long it's going to take for these two to develop feelings for each other, date, or hook up.* But no, none of that happened. Our relationship was strictly platonic even if we sometimes looked like a couple from the outside. Also, this man was definitely not asexual. He was straight. The main takeaway from all of this is that there are many forms of attraction and while many of them go hand and hand, these can all exist independently from each other. And most of the time, you can experience multiple forms of attraction at once, there is still nuance in that experience of attraction. While I don't think that I'm asexual anymore, because that was how I identified for 7 years, I'm very good at differentiation different forms of attraction and being mindful when I do find myself attracted someone. Basically, I think this mindfulness makes me take in attraction more consciously and more in depth.

How Much Do I Think About Sex and Intimacy So first I wake up every morning and I roll around in bed for about an hour regardless of what time I got up at. I roll around the bed and I hug a pillow and imagine that I'm cuddling with someone and that I woke up with someone. This may or may not escalate into me having more sexual thoughts. Some days I wake up with back pain and in those days, I'm even more lonely because all I want is someone to give me a massage and then fuck me. I continue on my day as usual like an normal person. But every time I get a time to take a break from whatever I'm doing, or I'm bored / spaced out, or if I have any amount of free time either I get intrusive thoughts about something really sexually out there or my mind simply wonders to someone hugging me from behind or flirting with me or just engaging in innocent touch. I daydream way too much. This especially happens when I'm in class and I'm supposed to be focusing on whatever is going on (however lately I have noticed that I can focus and think about these things at the same time). I kind of also have this weird paranoia of someone in my class secretly being able to read minds and the get to me only to see straight up porn. I remember seeing some statistic that was along the lines of men think about sex every 7 seconds and honestly I thought that was fake until I started going through a phase where I have been constantly emotionally thirsty. I forgot what the statistic was for women but I think it was that they think of sex every 20 seconds. And then there are some days where I just really want someone to hold me and cuddle with me and usually this leads me to taking a lot of naps and dozing off while again hugging a pillow and burying my face in it. That definitely messes with my sleep schedule at times. Speaking of my sleep schedule, sometimes I'm up waay too late fantasizing about things that will probably never happen that I'm ***manifesting***. Also, I can't sleep unless I have some type of made up scenario in my head or I imagine someone holding me and running their fingers through my hair. So basically, I spend a large chunk of my day just fantasizing.

@Etherial Cat

Also, I'm going to bet right now that I'm probably going to regret the title of this journal and figure out something more interesting a few months from now and I'll be cringing at my choice.

The Female Gaze Soo, something that keeps coming up on my recommended both on YouTube and on TikTok is people talking about the difference the male gaze and the female gaze. When I first encountered discourse around this topic, somethings just kind of made sense. Like for instance, straight men and bisexual women/lesbians, though both groups are interested in women, I always felt that I got different vibes from the way that either group talked about women sexually. I can listen to bisexual women and lesbians talk about women they find attractive and what they are into all day and be fine but for some reason when straight men talk about the same topic, mainly guys who are like aggressively straight, I'm so uncomfortable. I always thought this was some type of bias I have and to a certain extent that may be the case but upon finding the whole male gaze vs female gaze discourse, I felt validated when it came to how I picked up different vibes from each group when they talked about the same topic. I wrote about the cottagecore aesthetic a while ago in my main journal and I wanted to include a part of that here since it relates to what I'm talking about. The way I came across this whole discussion was people on TikTok basically commenting on a video that went viral. That video was basically this really buff guy who was just confused and seemed upset as to why women flock to guys who are skinny, kind of feminine looking and why he the alpha male chad person couldn't get a date. And women basically had a field day with this because it was so clear how some men have absolutely no idea what actually attracts women. I mean don't get me wrong, there are women who like really fit guys but tbh, most women don't care that much if you have abs or not. A lot of people also were talking about how men do things to appeal to other men rather than appeal to women because they are operating under the male gaze. And even though on the surface it looks like they are trying to attract women, deep down inside it's about validation from other guys and feel more secure in their "masculinity." I put this in quotes because I think masculinity can come in many different forms but the patriarchy has a very narrow definition of what it means to be the masculine ideal. From my own observations, I have noticed that some guys see sex as a conquest and a high body count as something to brag to other guys about. And if you are a virgin, it's thought that there is something horribly wrong with you. There is also this whole thing about on how women stereotypically want a super buff guy who makes a lot of money and who is super dominant and tbh, as a woman it feels like it's clear as day that this stereotype is just projection of what men think women want based on what they consider worthy in a patriarchal hierarchy. And tbh, if you have those types of limiting beliefs when it comes to attracting women and you follow the male gaze when it comes to female attraction, it's like a recipe for disaster and a lot of alpha male cringe content. And I stg if there is a guy comes on here and is like dON't asK a FiSH hoW tO BE cauGht, I'm going to be irritated. I know self bias is a thing don't get me wrong but it's like, women have direct experience on what they like and the fact that we speak our truth regarding what we like only to be shut down is just further proof that men will prioritize the voices of other men and appeal to them than listen what to women find desirable. The whole thing with the male gaze is that it's everywhere, especially in the media when it comes to things like cinematography. The perspective of women are not well represented or prioritized. As a result, you have a bunch of women who have what attracts men down to a science and you have a bunch of men who can't appeal to women to save their lives. Let's be real, one of the main reasons why there isn't a female equivalent of an incel is because of socialization and the way women are taught about what guys are interested in from a young age and are taught to prioritize relationships in life for better and for worse. The same can't be said about guys because again, the female gaze isn't well represented. So what do women find attractive? I can't say I have all of the answers since I can't speak for all women. But I can describe things and explore things from my personal gaze as a woman.

Capitalistic Notions of My Best Self So this came up in my subscriptions section on YouTube and I thought it was funny. It was also a moment of just self reflection for me because I started thinking about how I was academically elitist when I was growing up and how I've grown and changed since then. Katherine talks about her experience with all of this and a lot of the clips that she was reflecting on felt like a more extreme/exaggerated version of what I was like at that age. First things first, I would say something that young Katherine and I had in common back in the day was having grades, not learning and school as a high priority and as a result was judgmental towards other kids and was critical over their own performance. I wouldn't say that I was overt with my judgements and it effected the way I treated other people. I mainly kept those thoughts to myself and judged people who wouldn't do their work (especially in things like group projects lol) but consciously I also knew that people have different things going on in their lives and I have no way of knowing everything. I remember once making an observation that a lot (not all) of the kids that performed well at school and was at the top of their ranks did come from more upper middle class backgrounds even though most of the people in my school are lower middle class. I did encounter people who were kind of stuck up with their grades and honestly, I have felt this need to fight people on sight. I'm planning on doing a whole 'nother post on my experiences with elitism. Like for me, the way that I was self critical about grades came from a very fear based mindset that was along the lines of *if I don't do well in school, I won't go to a good college and if I don't get into a good college, I won't get a good job, and if I don't get a good job I'm going to be starving and homeless so everything depends on the grades I get on the next exam* I'm going to go into that more in another post about childhood under late stage capitalism. I never got to the point where I never let myself rest or have a moment to myself and felt like I had to be hyper productive. Katherine talks about how like even in the shower she would try to optimize that time for being productive around the 13 minute mark and I just thought that was wild. I had a lot of anxiety and depression growing up mainly because of my home life and as a result I felt like I needed to take time for myself and not push myself as hard because or else I might have a full on break down and yeah... I'm not here for it. But I did have some guilt and hesitation around prioritizing self care and self growth. I always felt like I was prioritizing the "wrong thing" at that stage of my life because I was always expected to prioritize school, my future career etc. by my parents, teachers and peers. I still sometimes feel like I need to make up for lost time when I do get to a place where I'm emotionally doing well. My ideal self is someone who is productive and who is getting ahead in life. That previous statement is definitely rooted in internalized capitalism and just stage orange bs because it prioritizes what I can do rather who I am. But I think the other part of it is that the difference between who I am at my worst and at my best isn't really that different. Even at my worst, I don't have much of an issue with aligning with and standing up for my values. I'm still kind and able to empathetically communicate with people. I still make an effort to think critically and slow down rather than making rash decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my character and my values are consistent whether I'm at my best or at my worst. As for the differences between me at my best and me at my worst comes down to how productive and focused I am, how emotionally and socially open I am, and to what extent I judge/complain. Out of those three things, I think how productive and focused I am displays the most obvious and tangible differences and as a result feels more real than the other two. Especially in a stage orange society that values things that are material and can be measured, results and tangible successes are prioritized. This is a bit of a tangent but I think people who have to deal with marginalization are much more likely to question the system and think critically about it. Because the system doesn't work for you and you find yourself wondering why that is so. For example, I grew up as a woman of color who has had issues with mental health, who was exposed to issues of classism and institutionalized racism from a young age, and who has had to unpack generational trauma from things such as colonialism and its effects. But when you're in a place of privilege and the system works for you in some way even if it's just in a relative sense (because lets be real, things like the patriarchy and capitalism screws everyone over at the very least on a spiritual, absolute level). It's like, you aren't going to reevaluate your life on a good day when everything is going as planned. You're going to reevaluate when things are going wrong because it's in the best interest of your survival to figure out what the problem is and try to fix it. And I know this is going to sound rather rude, but priviledged white people don't have to question these things and as a result, a lot of them go through the motions without critically thinking. It isn't always overt hate, sometimes it's apathy and the priviledged of going through the world unscathed. And when you're surrounded by people who come from the same cushy environment, you start to assume that the rest of the world is like that and that the rest of the world doesn't have to think about things like race and generational wealth. Implicitly, you start to assume that we actually live in a meritocracy. If I remember correctly, I remember Katherine talking in another video (forgot which one) on how she was raised in silicone valley in a super competitive area that expects you to know what you're going to do for the rest of your life at 13 or so and how there is a lot of pressure in those areas that is rooted in capitalism and elitism. But because of her privilege and how things like this were normalized growing up, she didn't question much of it. I believe that she talked about how she started questioning these things when she got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and how the medication she was taking resulted in a lot of anxiety and depression which then caused to her realize how ableist cooperate culture and capitalism can be. And then the pandemic and the whole BLM protests last year made her question things even more. I guess what I'm trying to convey is that the more you're exposed to systemic issues on a personal level through direct experience, the more likely you are to reflect, grow, educate yourself, and be mindful of those experiences. The reason why I didn't go as deep into this capitalistic, stage orange mindset like Katherine is because of the exposure I had with other systemic issues. And while I had my own personal issues, I guess there is somewhat of a silver lining there as well. The more I write about these things in my journal, the more I realize that there is no such thing as personal problems rather there is only systemic problems that effect us personally.

Not sure if this has been said or not Comfortable with her emotions and can communicate them in a healthy and effective way Can set boundaries and doesn't settle for less than what she authentically wants or for people who don't treat her well Committed to self awareness, introspection and working on herself Committed to self education in whatever subject she's interested in (has hobbies/passions/interests)

It's kind of difficult to explain in words. I mean it feels good to be yourself. If we want to get spiritual in the explanation and look at it through that lens, it's because i want to feel authentic and therefore more in alignment with the unique version of source energy I'm embodying at the moment. Authentically expressing yourself is an important part of embodying oneness. It would cause unnecessary conflict that makes everyone involved uncomfortable and on guard. Often times I don't want to deal with people coming at me with their butt cheeks clenched looking for a fight. But mostly I'm also too lazy to lecture to people about my interests if they deep down inside don't care. I'm not really looking for people who are a carbon copy of my experiences or my hobbies/interests. Difference is good. I like being able to branch out and learn new things that I otherwise wouldn't venture into. But I think with relationships, whether they be platonic or romantic, there needs to be a good balance of similarities and difference. If yall are too different, you won't have much in common and it will be difficult to relate. But if yall are too similar, it can get boring and lead to stagnation because there is no newness for either of yall. And I'm with you when it comes to why I'm on this forum. This place is a nice outlet and I'm pretty sure this place kept me sane to a certain extent lol. You're right. Isolating isn't really the answer. I'm going to be moving into a situation where I can do that when I go back to school in august but I've been locked up in my house because of the pandemic so that is definitely a factor.

Pretty much. It's not so much about not being able to disagree with people or stand up for myself. But it's more along the lines of if I'm looking to relate to people, i wouldn't lead with the most unrelatable side of myself in order to connect to people. For instance, I'm not going to start talking about my political views unless it comes up with people I know are conservative. If the conversations come up with acquaintances, I don't have an issue with expressing myself or standing up for myself. But I'm not going to try to use that as a medium of connecting with people if that makes sense. I'll try to find something else we have in common with and talk about that, like idk, like what we did over the weekend. But it can get awkward when you run out of those mediums especially if you didn't have many in the first place and as a result you run out of things to say. I just wanted to reiterate this point because i don't think it's coming from a place of insecurity or fear. It's more so a feeling of isolation and feeling out of alignment with your surroundings.

Online Dating Feels Forced Ok so a couple weeks back I wrote about how I tried to talk to a guy I met on Tinder and how the whole thing feels forced. I came across a tiktok that explains this in a different lens which I found interesting. It was talking about the importance of context in dating. I'm going to link the video below but just in case it doesn't show up, I'm going to quote it: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdVKEeMP/ I know that she ends on this whole thing by talking about ghosting and I like her point of view on this on how these apps systemically contribute to the whole ghosting phenomenon instead of blaming the individual. But I also want to add the point of view of how a lack of context can make it more difficult to trust a person and how that can impact feelings of safety both psychologically and physically. For me, it simply doesn't feel right to go from being complete strangers to dating. That's not to say that you have to be my friend first but it's more so along the lines how a lack of context contributes to a lack of familiarity which then leads to a lack of trust. For instance, I'd probably be more comfortable going on a date with someone I see on a regular basis in one of my classes even if I have never talked to him than I would going on a date with a random guy who I met on Tinder. I also know that in the cases with Tinder, my friends and I also send each other pictures of what we are wearing as well as the address of the location we're headed to just in case things get weird/scary since we're meeting total strangers. We wouldn't do that type of thing if we were to go out with idk say a friend of a friend that we know exists but we never really interacted with. Because in your social circle and even a little bit outside of it, you have somewhat of an idea of what kind of people you hang out with, what kind of people are likely to enter the social circle, and any red flags that we should be aware of (like for instance my friends and I have an idea of which guys around us we should avoid because of their creepy/ misogynistic tendencies and we warn each other accordingly). I also wanted to emphasize on how meeting people irl through people you know feels more seamless and natural because of that context. Because even if the guy I met on Tinder turned out to be a decent guy who isn't some type of serial killer, it still feels awkward to a certain extent because of a lack of things and people in common. Again, there is that sense of trust and familiarity you get when you share a common context which then makes it easier to open up and get to know each other. I guess the conclusion I have came to upon reflecting on this for the past 2 weeks is that I need to build a friend group and some type of a social circle first and then potential dates will come from that because this whole online dating thing is just not working... like at all for me. And even if that doesn't work, I'd rather die alone in peace than go through the pain and awkwardness of forcing something the feels wrong or not meant to be.

@Raphael still isnt showing. Its saying it's a copyright issue ??‍♀️