soos_mite_ah

which is why you recognize it as a pointless game you can be dead serious and still have fun with something simply because you get so engaged to it

Have no idea who this guy was so I had to google him lol. He looks like fine. Not fat imo. Looks like a normal guy in his 40s. Some people are just built different. Not everyone has to be skinny and/or muscular.

THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WHEN I WAS THINKING OF A SCENARIO OF DISAPPEARING FROM MY FAMILY AND REAAPEARING LMAOOO I really like this. This makes more sense when you have a couple of phrases that you can use to explain your situation. It really helps in articulating the perspective imo. And I really resonate with this as well because it's not that I hate my family but I do recognize that they aren't the healthiest FOR ME and I really don't see myself putting blame on them rather I feel like I'm coming from a place of trying to be more responsible. Though, even though I know this about myself, I know how this can look hateful or like I'm blaming people from the outside.

I find myself in this mindset as well, how I can't go back once I leave. I never saw this situation through the lens of rehabilitating myself and then looking at the situation objectively. I never questioned why there was this notion that I couldn't go back once I left. I guess a lot of it comes down to not wanting to make things awkward in the sense that once I leave, they'll get this sense that I don't care about them anymore and when I come back I'm basically sending mixed messages and therefore my love/care for them isn't consistent or stable.

no vpn

Negative Emotions Inventory I decided to jot down some of the most negative spirals I go into and how they devolve both from a thinking and emotional standpoint. This is just a way of taking stock at my weak points going forward as well as a way to let myself be vulnerable and gentle with myself: I wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and that I had actual adults I could turn to. I feel so alone. I am angry and frustrated on how I have to fix problems I didn’t create because of generational trauma. My problems aren’t even my problems. They became my problems because my parents didn’t do their part in healing and self-awareness. Like I have my own shit to deal with, why I do have to be weighed down by other people’s shit?!?!? It feels heavy and I’m tired and sad. I wish the person I am today was the person I was when I was 14. On a similar note, I wonder who I would have become if I had a healthy and happy upbringing. I wish I stepped into my potential earlier. I wonder if I’ll ever step into my potential because there is a huge part of me that feels like I already failed in life and that I have nothing going for me. My future feels very bleak. I already talked about things on an individual level but also, this translates to the collective level because of late-stage capitalism. I’m talking climate change, fascism, wealth inequality, misinformation, the pandemic, etc. Everything feels dystopian. I feel like there are systemic issues stopping me from living my best life. I also don’t have confidence in my abilities. I don’t feel like I have much going for me. I feel like a little ball of anxiety most of the time and I feel done with my life a lot of the time. It takes so much energy to do a lot of basic things. And because of that, I haven’t been able to go above and beyond during college whether it be socially, academically, or professionally. I feel like I wasted so much time. My resume looks like a skinny legend, and I’m scared of what that would mean for my future after graduation. Imposter syndrome is very much a thing. People tell me that I have a lot of potential and they tell me I’m on the right path., but I really wished that I could see what they see. Even though I can list out and talk about all of the ways I’m dealing with my issues step by step and I know that I’m making progress, I still feel like I’m an absolute mess. I’m so scared of the future. I’m anxious of what’s to come and I’m depressed by the current prospects. Similar to how I don’t feel like I’m desirable professionally, I also don’t feel like I’m desirable in a sexual and romantic light. I don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard for me to picture someone seeing me in that light because of the experiences I simply didn’t have growing up for whatever reason. It’s like I wasn’t able to develop that healthy sense of self in this area of my life in the time most people do and as a result there is a part of me that feels rather unconfident and underdeveloped.

Found and interesting article on hook up culture in college and how race and class plays into things. Thought I'd include it here. https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/07/hookup-culture-for-the-white-and-wealthy.html The Hookup Elites LISA WADE Not everyone in college is hooking up. It’s mostly the white and wealthy. Let me lay out some statistics that, considered together, seem quite improbable. First, 91 percent of college students agree that their lives are dominated by the hookup culture. Second, the median number of hookups for a graduating senior is seven. That’s fewer than two hookups a year. Only about 40 percent of those hookups include sexual intercourse so, technically, the typical student acquires only two new sexual partners during college. If students agree with the rest of the panicked culture and the recent New York Times story that they are embedded in an alcohol-fueled, porn-soaked, party scene that welcome casual sex, how is it possible that their actual sexual activity can be described with numbers like two and seven? This was the question that led me to rethink what was really happening on college campuses. The vast majority of published research on hookup culture, mine included, focuses on the gender dynamics: the extent to which college women are empowered or disempowered by their experience with hookup culture. Media coverage of the phenomenon has followed suit. Gender, however, is not the only way to slice the data. Buried in the statistics is information about who is participating in the hookup culture more or less actively. And, it turns out, not everyone on campus embraces the scene equally. Only 14 percent of students hookup more than 10 times in four years and these students are more likely than others to be white, wealthy, heterosexual, able-bodied, and conventionally attractive, according to quantitative studies of hookup behavior. Students who do not fall into these categories hook up significantly less and are more likely to disapprove of or be uninterested in the whole endeavor. To give you an idea of why, I’ll briefly discuss what we know about the attitudes and behaviors of African-American versus white and working-class versus middle-class students. African-American students are less likely to hook up than white students. Sociological studies suggest that lingering racism plays a part: Black people have been traditionally stereotyped as hypersexual (trigger warning: see the “jezebel” and “mandingo” stereotypes). So, for black men and women, embracing sexual freedom can bring individual rewards, but also risks affirming harmful beliefs about African-Americans. In response, some black people feel the need to perform a politics of respectability. Rashawn Ray and Jason Rosow, for example, in a comparison of black and white fraternities, found that black men’s resistance to negative racial stereotypes sometimes involved being “good” and following mainstream social norms of appearance and behavior. There are other, more practical reasons as well. Unpublished research led by USC graduate student Jess Butler, whose dissertation addressed hookup culture, suggests that there may be a separate African-American hookup scene on some colleges. However, hookup scenes often revolve around fraternity houses and, because of historic and ongoing economic inequality, black fraternities are less likely to have houses. Meanwhile, in general, black students are more strongly in favor of gender equality and drink less alcohol than whites. Neither of these facts facilitate hookup scripts. Working-class students are also less likely to participate in hookup culture. Upper-middle- and upper-class students approach college with a certain sense of entitlement. They hook up because they are fairly confident that they will spend several years working on their careers before they get married. And they feel confident that they’ll graduate from college with relative ease, so they’re comfortable spending a lot of time partying. Here’s an example of how one class-privileged college student sees things, as reported by sociologists Laura Hamilton and Elizabeth Armstrong: “I’ve always looked at college as the only time in your life when you should be a hundred percent selfish … I have the rest of my life to devote to a husband or kids or my job … but right now, it’s my time.” In contrast, poor and working-class students, who are often the first ones in their families to attend college, tend to take it much more seriously and don’t take for granted that they’ll finish, so they party less. They also bring their values with them, so they imagine starting a family earlier. Investing in a serious boyfriend or girlfriend is more in line with these goals. As one working-class student said, in a separate study by Hamilton, about her wealthier peers: “Some of these girls don’t even go to class. It’s like they just live here. They stay up until 4:00 in the morning. [I want to ask,] ‘Do you guys go to class? Like what’s your deal? … You’re paying a lot of money for this … If you want to be here, then why aren’t you trying harder?’ ” So what we are seeing on college campuses is the same dynamic we see outside of colleges. People with privilege—based on race, class, ability, attractiveness, sexual orientation, and, yes, gender—get to set the terms for everyone else. Their ideologies dominate our discourses, their particular set of values gets to appear universal, and everyone is subject to their behavioral norms. Students feel that a hookup culture dominates their colleges not because it is actually widely embraced, but because the people with the most power to shape campus culture like it that way.

That makes sense. I'm basically trying the whole "love them from a distance thing" since I can have surface level conversations. Part of me feels obligated to keep in contact where another part of me is like "you aren't getting much of value from this and you feel drained, there is no point on being responsible just for responsibilities sake." The part of me that wants to keep in contact is coming from empathy because even though my family isn't the healthiest, I know they want what's best for me and I know they're just trying their best from where they are in their consciousness.

I guess over all, a lot of my problems are still there but I am dealing with it accordingly. Just gotta wait for this storm to pass I guess. I reordered this list so that the first part (1-5) a things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out. The second part (6-10) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. Finally, the third part (11-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it).

I know that there is a whole mourning process that people often go through when they leave toxic households. Is that what you're referring to? I've come across her channel a few times. Doesn't she specialize in how to deal with narcissists and basically it boils down to RUN and GET HELP lol? I heard that many times too. I've almost never heard of regretting it in the end once people get past the grief/mourning/guilt stage.

My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex My over all stance on no strings attached sex, hook up culture, etc. is that there is nothing wrong with it from a moral and spiritual standpoint. I know there are some people who are like "SEX IS SACRED YOU'RE MAKING SOUL TIES WITH EVERYONE YOU FUCK" which I understand why sex is a sentimental thing for some people, I just don't think it's appropriate to think that this is some type of absolute truth and that everyone should align with it. Given the things that I have talked about in my previous post, whether you are in the isle of wanting to wait or wanting to live out your best hoe life, it's important to do that self introspection to make sure that your motivations are coming from a healthy place. For me personally, for the longest time I thought I was the type of person who would get emotionally attached really easily when it comes to doing anything physical. But what I realized in the last couple weeks is that while I do have sentimentality attached to the sex itself, I don't necessarily have sentimentality towards the person. I think where I'm at right now is that I do are about who I share my firsts with but more so in the sense that I don't want my first times to be unmemorable trash, not in a *I need this person to be special* sense. I don't think I want to be in love with the person that I want to do things with. Sure it's a nice plus but it isn't necessary. What is necessary though is that I have some kind of interesting dynamic with this person and we connect socially to where things aren't awkward and we are both comfortable with one another. I think that the elements of trust and patience are really important to me because I'm still just testing the waters and I'm not comfortable with diving head first without anyone trying to slow down or check in on me. I also think there is a misconception of women and how they are super emotional and how they need attachment. Sure, some people are like that, but I don't think its a women's thing. There is the opposite stereotype for men as well. And I have a strong suspicion that this bias skews people's sense of self awareness and how they act and view the opposite sex. I'm going to start with men first. I think there is this expectation for a lot of men to engage in meaningless sex, not always because of sexual exploration (there isn't anything wrong with that) but due to a form of masculine posturing. This could range anywhere from viewing women as conquests, not wanting to be emotionally vulnerable because it's seen as feminine or weak, having the expectation that you're supposed to want it all the time even in cases where you feel incredibly uncomfortable and violated, the notion of if you say no that you're less of a man (which often ignores or in some cases glorifies cases of sexual assault), and feeling the need to lose your virginity to prove your masculinity. I'm sure there are more examples but these are just a few things that are off the top of my head. I also think of a particular anecdote. This is a particular conversation that I swear I encounter about once every couple of years. The scenario goes like this. There is a group of guys that are talking near me (not really paying attention of whether I or my friends exist). One of the guys starts talking about how they are committing to this one girl for a relationship. The other guy says something along the lines of "what do you mean you're getting into a relationship? That's gay bruh. What about fucking bitches?" This has happened a few of times and in those times, either me or my friend look to one another and just jokingly ask "fellas, is it gay to want to be in a heterosexual relationship with a woman?" And that's precisely the thing. By definition, there is nothing gay about that. But because a lot of performative masculinity is tied to having a lot of partners and not expressing your emotions by developing meaningful relationships, it's seen as less masculine and therefore gay to get into a relationship. Like this makes sense but my friends and I just stand there in rainbow confusion whenever we encounter situations like these because huh lol?? And of course, this conversation also has shades of homophobia and sexism (the two being pretty linked up together but that's another post) in the conversation as well where even if it's considered gay, why would it be a bad thing?? Like are manly men not supposed to have fulfilling relationships with women? Are they just supposed to see them as a means to a sexual end and that's it? Which then brings me to women. A lot of women are perfectly at peace with having no strings attached sex. We just want to have some basic human decency, know you aren't a psychopath, and know that we are safe and it wouldn't be awkward. And in order to do that there needs to be some basic social and emotional connection. Even if I were to do something that's no strings attached, I'm not going to just go home with someone with a total stranger in most cases. Because not only is it dangerous, but there isn't that amount of context that was built up and it can be awkward. And the irritating thing is that guys will look at this and assume that we're super emotional/ clingy/ easily attached when really we're just asking for the bare minimum for attraction. And there are some women who internalize this type of thing and assume that their only option is extremely no strings attached casual sex because why tf would men ever want anything more and if you are asking for more, you're "one of those girls" who is being annoying and asking for too much. It lead to a lot of people compromising what they actually want and compromising their boundaries. I have been tempted to do that in a few instances. There is this notion that men don't care about women and they only want to fuck them and that's it. And sometimes, even when you genuinely want something casual, you're made out to believe that you're still asking for too much when you're really asking for basic respect and safety.

Sex Addiction, Sex as Self-harm, and Hypersexuality These are a few things that I wish my sex ed curriculum covered because I feel like I learned about this waayyy too late and I had to find out from social media of all places. Who am I kidding, I wish I had sex ed period. Instead, since I live in the south, I had some crazy lady come over to my school talking about how she's a "born again virgin," and how abstinence is the only option. There is a reason why the Bible Belt is also known as the Teen Pregnancy Belt. Anyway, tangent aside, in addition to condoms, birth control, and consent I think another really important aspect of having safe sex is understanding why you're choosing to engage in sex. Because not coming at sex from a healthy place can result in a lot of emotional damage. First of all, sex addiction is not a thing. Yeah, I was pretty shocked about this. But no, it isn't a thing. Sometimes people just have really high sex drives. Or sometimes, sex is a cover for other things going wrong. For example, people use it as an escapist coping mechanism, effects of repression, a substitute for emotional intimacy, etc. Which then leads me to sex as self-harm. There are people who feel the need to put themselves into uncomfortable situations with people who don't value them as a way of harming themselves. It's usually consists of partaking in risky sexual activity or having sex with people who you know don't respect your boundaries. It's kind of similar to how some people do a lot of risk taking activities when they are depressed. And then there is hypersexuality. Usually this is what people are actually referring to when people point to sex addiction. In addition to everything that I talked about above, hypersexuality can occur to people who have been sexually assaulted. Apparently, there are some people who start to have lots of sex with lots of people after assault as a way to feel like they are in control of their sexuality in a sexual situation. I remember reading The Game a few months ago. Not gonna lie, that was a difficult book to get through and honestly, I read only about half. But there is one part of the book that really sticks out to me as extremely slimy. One of the characters were talking about this guy who is apparently a "natural." Apparently, this guy can get with any girl he pleases with minimal effort and has slept with 100s of women. And these guys started talking about how this guy in question lost his virginity at 11 to his baby sitter who was 17 years old. I remember putting the book down. . In my mind, I was just thinking that THIS IS LITERALLY RAPE, A CHILD CAN'T CONSENT THIS. The way that these guys talked about this situation was as if they glorified it, like this was something to applaud, an accomplishment for the guy they were talking about. Also in my mind, this was around the time when I found out about hypersexuality in general and I just sat there thinking *these guys are glorifying a traumatic event and basically further enabling a coping mechanism.* This guy was basically a classic case of someone with a supposed "sex addiction" actually becoming hypersexual due to trauma and then using sex as a form of self harm. My thing with this post is not shame people with high sex drives or people who like having a lot of casual sex with different people. Those can be completely natural and healthy. But my thing is that I think it's important for people to check in with themselves and their motivations. It's the same thing with people who want to wait to have sex. Wanting to wait can also be completely natural and healthy. It's not so much about the decision rather it's about how you got there and why you are making that decision. And the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I feel like this side of safe sex doesn't get talked about enough and because people tend to glorify hook up culture too much blindly without checking in with themselves and thinking whether or not taking part in hook up culture is right for them or if it's coming from a healthy place.

@Max8 Tf who lied to you lmaooo Of course we do Maybe not as much porn (compared to men at least) because of how porn doesnt do a good job at depicting scenes that actually appeal to us but most of us definitely masturbate

From my experience, pretty boys get hella girls though lol But I do agree with the notion that being confident and not giving af is important. If you want to improve your style choices for self expression and for self care, go for it. Just don't get neurotic and nitpicky about it.

Do your eyebrows, get a decent hair cut: just walk into a salon and ask for their recommendations. They'll figure out how things will work with your face shape so you won't have to. (At the very least get your eyebrows sorted out, that can make a world of difference) Figure out your body shape and skin undertone and what works with that: Just on youtube and figure that out after watching a few videos Find clothes that you find yourself drawn to or that feel like an extension of your self expression: Self expression and feeling confident in that expression is the main thing that makes people with a good sense of style attractive. It isn't the aesthetic itself. Invest in a skincare routine. It doesn't have to be too complicated, get a good face wash, a decent moisturizer and do a face mask every now and then.

@Max8 Then I don't think you'd really benefit much from no fap. I'm speaking from my experience, feel free to try it out on your own. IMO doing no fap when you don't have an unhealthy relationship with porn/sex/masturbation would be like going to an alcoholic support group meeting when you don't have a drinking problem. Embrace your natural sex drive. Just bust a nut and live your life lmao.

That and sex doesn't always equate to a sense of intimacy and closeness. Sure that can come from sex but I think having that emotional connection and build up is much more important both in terms of relationship building but also having fulfilling sex. I agree with this. I think sexual and social abundance comes down to mindset more than anything. A lot of it has to do with not being needy and being self assured in the notion of being on your own. It's seeing relationships, whether they be sexual, platonic, or romantic as the cherry on top of just you living your life and being. Sure you can get a sense of abundance by having a bunch of people you can call up whenever for a hook up but I guess what I'm trying to say is that that is not the only route to sexual and social abundance.

Consciousness is so limitless that there is no limits from it making limits on itself. It's so limitless that it makes limits for fun.

In that aspect I think you're ok What is your relationship to sex/masturbation? Do you have a lot of repression? Do you use this as a coping mechanism to avoid things in your life or as a way to deal with depression/anxiety?

To expand on this, I would say that the first strain is basically made up of people who don't have a good stage orange foundation when it comes to both epistemology and how scientific thinking works. Cold rationality is an important step for many people and if they don't go through that and try to go straight into green, instead of a well integrated foundation for green, you almost get this slightly less toxic but more glorified version of stage blue. I think a better way to explain this first strain is by combining both spiral dynamics and the 9 stages of ego development. They are like this stage green version of the conformist stage. They adopt stage green values and ideologies but their thought process and ego development hasn't gone through the achiever or expert stage (or if they did, not completely). They are stage green but they aren't at the achiever or pluralist stage. I would say that the intellectual socialist strain is more in line with the traditional way we see people progress through the stages and their corresponding ego development stage. They typically have a good orange foundation even if they no longer identify with orange anymore. They have simply passed through that stage.

I think whether or not nofap is affective has to do with how healthy your relationship to porn and sex is and to what extent you have addictive tendencies to either of those. I tried it and as someone who doesn't use masturbation as some type of unhealthy coping mechanism, I can't say that I got a lot of benefit from no fap. I wrote more about this in my journal a couple months ago.

Not yet but I'll check it out Cool, thanks. That makes sense as far as direct experience instead of relying on outside references goes. I want to say that I started contemplating things in general pretty young but I don't know if contemplating period would be efficient. Would analyzing your biases, being critical of where and how you get your information, and analyzing your surroundings/ culture and how that shapes what you know count as contemplation? What are some guiding questions that you'd recommend I start with?

I'm starting to become more critical of my thought processes, ways I go about making decisions, the ethical implications of the things I just mentioned, and any biases I might have that might skew my perspective of a situation. I want to also get into epistemology more but I'm not really sure where to start. At the same time, though I'm naturally becoming interested in questioning myself, I'm also drawn towards being more confident in my perspective, my analysis, and my experiences. How do I go about doing all of this?

Lana Del Rey I have been meaning to write about this whole phase I'm going through for a while (as in before I even made this journal). In addition to how I have talked about her when I discussed romanticizing the past and the incidental times I have mentioned her on my journal (idk I feel like I talk about her a lot but after doing a quick search I didn't find much), these are a couple other times I have meant to talk about her work and how it affects me. So basically, to organize this post and keep myself sane, I'm going basically talk about the following topics: Why I'm drawn to her music: vintage vibes, personal issues, processing things/ having an outlet The lolita resurgence and why that is super concerning parasocial relationships and racism Why I'm drawn to her music: I have discussed in previous posts on how I tend to be attracted to the whole vintage vibe. And I think her music captures that energy really well while also mixing in more modern elements as well so it doesn't feel super archaic. Her work first came into my radar when I was around 13ish and I just thought her sound was interesting and beautiful. I didn't really fixate on her music until I was 19/20 or so and I think a lot of it has to do with what I was going through at the time. Long story short, I was coming out of a pretty depressing time. At that time I would still say it was a dark time, not in the sense that it was really depressing or neurotic, rather there were a lot of unknowns as to who I was growing into. And that's when I met this guy. Long story short, I became infatuated with this guy because he reminded me of the best version of myself and in a way gave me an idea of who I was growing into. I would say that he was about a decade older than me and the whole thing would have been a shit show if either of us acted on anything (I highly doubt he had any feelings on his part but it would be super weird if he did). So I was left with all of these emotions without really an outlet to express them. And that's where LDR's music comes in. I think the subject matter but most importantly the emotions in her music resonated with me to a certain extent. I can't say that I relate to much of her actual life experiences or what she describes in her music but emotionally I can empathize with it. Her music helped me just sit with my emotions and process them without having me actually go out and do something stupid like act on my feelings and have life be a cruel teacher. It was like a simulation of sorts. It's like I could emotionally go through the event of falling for a guy who isn't good for me, particularly an older guy who has more power in the dynamic, without actually experiencing the event and going through the trauma. When it comes to older guys (I'm talking roughly 8-13 years older not old enough to be my dad lol) I think there is a variety of factors involved. My parent's have an 8 year age difference My dad had me when he was in his 40s Growing up (and still even now) I mainly get hit on by guys who are in this age range I had to deal with a lot of difficult and traumatic shit growing up and that fucked with my sense of mental age and the vibes I put out. I'd say #1 and #2 basically socialized what was considered normal for me growing up. I think it made my mental idea of what is considered old a little wonky in my head. A lot of my friends had really young parents growing up (as in their parents were teen parents and once my friends were graduating high school their parents were still in their 30s). They have wonky perceptions of time in the sense that the idea of getting married and having kids later than 25 seem really weird because the idea of being in your late 40s early/50s when your kid goes off to college doesn't make sense to them all that much since they are used to having younger parents. And I think that because of what was modeled to me growing up, I have a more generous perception of what I consider old because their age difference and my dad's age was normalized and is basically my reference point. When it comes to #3, I think a lot of it comes down to my looks. I looked like a grown ass woman from a young age and I would get confused for being older if people were to go by appearances alone. And while I don't have too many terrible experiences other than this was startling to deal with when I was 14 getting hit on my guys twice my age (and thankfully whenever I encounter these situations these men back off when they find out how old I actually am), it's like these experiences conditioned me to associate the good feelings of being flirted with with older guys. And as a result a conditioned version of attraction started to form. And finally we have #4. #4 is a little tricky because on one hand sometimes I feel like I'm out of place and that there is a power dynamic that gets formed when I associate with people my age because mentally I had to grow up faster and learn a bunch of lessons later, therefore I'm in a different place in my life. The whole power dynamic thing was something that was very present pre pandemic. But at the same time, there is this part of me that feels very young and vulnerable and to a certain extent stunted because I didn't go through the typical experiences that a person my age would go through and mature from. So then you find yourself in this situation where you feel too old to associate with men your age but also you want someone more experienced who will guide you through your vulnerability because you don't really know what you're doing. Also, the whole rhetoric of "girls maturing faster" doesn't help either and is often used to justify all types of predatory behavior. Weirdly enough, I feel like the pandemic traumatized me just enough to regress me back into being able to relate to people my own age again since we all went through this collective trauma and we all had to move back with our parents (and that helped me shake off this attraction that I had towards older guys so that's good). I don't think I'm really in a place where I still find myself attracted to that kind of age dynamic. I feel like I have processed through my hang ups enough and had time isolated from everyone to really dig through and sort this shit out. I don't really think there was ever a chance of me acting on my impulses in this regard mainly because I was very cognitively aware of the situation and the life long consequences that can come from it even if my emotions said otherwise. I have been on a couple dates with guys who were like 3 years older and even though that wasn't that much, I think it's important to consider that I was 18/19 at the time and that shit felt really off in terms of relatability and chemistry to where I simply didn't want to go further. My heart back then was basically like *well, maybe...?* but my head back then and even now is like *HELL TF NO!!!* I would say that LDR's music helped me process through a lot of these and explore any fantasy that I had in a safe way without having those fantasizes turn into this unhealthy romanticization of a toxic dynamic. Her music gets accused of glorifying abusive dynamics and while that can be said of her very early works (as in her Lizzy Grant trailer park days lol), I would say a lot of her music is lamenting over these situations rather than reminscing happily. I'm pretty sure that most of the fandom gets that but of course, like with every fandom, there's the group of crazy 12 year old fans that take their obsession to a whole new level. And a lot of these younger views who simply don't get the emotions behind the music I feel tend to romanticize the pain as something edgy and cool because they aren't aware of how much those situations actually suck due to a lack of life experiences. I have also talked about the whole infantilization of women and how a lot of beauty standards are pedophilic earlier in this journal. This video on the romanticization of Lolita and pedophilia and how it plays out in social media explains things pretty well: And finally, relationship dynamics aside, along with the whole vintage thing, I think wealth and race also is a part of it. Like I said earlier in this post: This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. That said, I also find people who get parasocially attached to celebrities to the point where they can't critique or make fun of what they like really weird. I have touched on how some LDR fans have crazy obsessions and how a lot of it has broader implications than them driving themselves crazy. I can still laugh about her content and not take it super personally and also I can say that even though I really like her music, I do have mixed opinions on her whole brand and public image. Like in the past couple of years, this woman has been acting tf up and sometimes I wish that she would just act right so I can stan publicly lol. But I can't say that I'm surprised by her tone deafness given her background.