soos_mite_ah

Bruh... the bar is on the floor.

She's a child. She doesnt know better. We all thought we were mature at 17 or so when that isnt the case. In 10 years, shes going to look back at this situation and cringe. You're the adult, it's up to you to be responsible and know better and shut this shit down and make that clear as day. Also idk about how things are there, but shouldnt she at her age be in high school rn.....

The Relationship Between Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter I described different sides to my sexuality and labeled them as different seasons as I saw them fit. Something that I like to do when I'm reflecting on my emotions or a certain aspect of my personality is that I like to personify that aspect. By personifying that aspect, I feel like I'm better at picking up more nuances and sensing broader themes. I was inspired to take this approach after I watch the movie Inside Out which follows this one girl who has these emotions that are personified into different characters. And the way that the characters interact with one another and the way that these characters feel are all a metaphor of what is happening emotionally with this girl. Basically Pixar was like ***What if feelings HAD FEELINGS?!?!?!**** and I love them for that. Being Externally Focused vs Being Inwardly Focused If Spring, Summer Fall and Winter were people, this is how I think they'd fall under the whole introversion/ extroversion spectrum. Spring is an introvert. She's shy and she ends up blushing easily. And even though she enjoys her alone time, Spring also really values the few connections that she does have. She is very quality over quantity. Summer is an extrovert. She's gets a thrill out of putting herself out there and she wants to go out frequently. She's impulsive and bold and she tries to get the other seasons out of their comfort zone. Fall is an introvert. She isn't so much shy as she is more so pensive. She has a more intense energy and people tend to have strong reactions when they first see her. Either they are overwhelmed and feel the need to stay back or their curiosity is ignited and they want to come closer. Either way, she doesn't have to do much to get people to act this way. Winter is an ambivert. She comes across as an introvert because of how much she values minding her own business but there is a sense of being externally focused because she is someone who is assertive in her own work. The Ways They Don't Appeal to the Male Gaze and Sometimes Get Backlash I always felt that the male gaze has a tendency of oversimplifying female sexuality and it typically falls into the whole madonna/whore complex. I tried to describe different aspects of my personality to break out of this and have a more nuanced view of myself. And in doing so, I noticed on how each aspect themselves are complex and how if each of the seasons were people, people would lose their god damn minds. Spring looks like the poster child for traditional femininity. She is docile, she would rather not sleep around, and she has this sweetness to her. Guys, particularly the ones that don't want any form of emotional connection get irritated. They tend to write her off as boring, as prude, or assume that she's religious. Or worse, in some cases they try to infantilize her or fetishize her lack of experience. Spring doesn't care most of the time but sometimes it gets to her. She still stays firm in her boundaries because she knows exactly how vulnerable this whole thing is for her and she wants to do what's healthy for her. Summer is the party girl that gets written off as a whore with no standards. People mainly assume this about her without knowing her at all and by simply looking the way her body is shaped and the way that she chooses to dress even though it isn't true. In addition to that, she sometimes has to deal with comments of how vain and how fake her look is and how her hair, her makeup, and her nails to impress men. People also sometimes feel the need to tell her how men prefer the more natural look and how her look repels men. Summer really doesn't care. She's just focused on being her authentic self loudly. But behind the confidence, sometimes she's afraid of the potential consequences of being so unapologetic Fall is the one that looks scary because she has a resting bitch face most of the time. Men keep telling her to smile more or they try to take a hit on her femininity on the notion that she isn't delicate enough or submissive enough and that's why men don't want her. They accuse her of being too masculine but Fall thinks these people are stupid because they have such limited notions of masculinity and femininity to where they only see them in binaries. On a good day, Fall finds a sense of enjoyment in purposefully pissing men like this off. On a bad day, she wants to retreat back and remove herself from the situation using her unavailability as a coping mechanism. Winter is the one who insists on working on herself, having boundaries, and minding her own business. There is this sense of shame that can come from a woman taking time for herself or engaging in self pleasure. It's threatening to the people who believe that the ideal woman is someone who keeps giving without expecting anything in return. It's threatening to the people who view female sexuality as dirty. By some, she gets written off as being sinful. By some she gets written off as not feminine enough because of her boundaries. And by some, she gets labeled as too sentimental because of the amount of time she spends on herself. Winter copes with this by remaining private about her life. People can't judge what they don't know. Again, for better and for worse, she minds her own business Taking a More Submissive role vs a More Dominant Role Spring is the most submissive out of all of the seasons. She likes it when someone takes the lead and is gentle with her so she doesn't feel like she has to do this whole thing on her own. She likes to lie back and be admired and let people come to her. She plays up the traditional dynamics. Summer is more experimental and likes to switch between being more submissive and being more dominant. It really depends on the day as a lot of Summer's approach is rooted in spontaneity. But even when she is submissive, her assertiveness comes out in the form of intensity. She leans assertive Fall is the most dominant out of all of the seasons. She enjoys taking control and has a commanding presence. She likes having an active role during sex even when in occasion she gives back control to others. She contradicts traditional dynamics and likes challenging people emotionally. Winter switches between being more submissive and being more dominant like Summer. While Summer leans assertive, Winter leans toward giving into whatever she is experiencing even though she is taking an active role in the experience All of the Seasons are Comfortable with Sex Spring can come off as the type to repress but she's comfortable with sex, just really selective with who she shares that side. Summer doesn't care. She isn't promiscuous but she is very open about discussing these topics and expressing herself. Fall's comfort around sex comes from a sense of curiosity and open-mindedness. Winter enjoys taking time to figure out what she likes and strengthening her relationship to herself. It's almost a spiritual/replenishing experience. And they are all different aspects of the same goddamn person.

My Relationship With Porn Part 2: A Healthier Form of Porn I don't see porn as something that would be gone in a conscious society. I think it can be an incredibly beautiful of capturing intimacy. I sometimes feel that the beauty aspect of the whole thing is often lost in the process. Again, there needs to be a lot of conversations and a lot of unpacking around racism and fetishizing people. There needs to be more conversation around consent. There needs to be better treatment for sex workers. I also feel that a lot of porn that is usually geared towards women tends to do a better job at dealing with these things. Mainstream porn isn't something that I find particularly exciting and while porn isn't usually my go to, the porn that are usually geared towards women tends to be better quality imo. Even though I talked a lot about the negative aspects of porn, I will say that I feel like dabbling in it a little bit has helped figure out what to do, what I might like, and things I want to try. It helped me explore things more when I was in a situation when I couldn't really do that. And that exploration helped me be more in touch with my sexuality as a whole. I think moderation and regulation is more or less the name of the game. I think that things like camming and having an only fans also helped. I don't know much about the adult film industry before the internet simply because I wasn't around back then but I'm pretty sure that filming something yourself and then uploading that on your own accord is much safer than meeting up in some shady back alley. I can't say that I know a lot of the exploitation in the industry, how things have changed over the years, and the exact problems we have today but this is the general impression I'm getting. Idk tbh and if anyone is willing to educate me more on this or point me towards some resources, I'd be happy to check it out. Porn isn't something that's going to disappear. It's something that is going to continue to evolve. Like I'm pretty sure there are even cave paintings of people having sex. I know damn well that people use to use art and literature as a way of expressing themselves and their desires. It's something that pretty much every civilization indulged in: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_erotic_depictions. And I think that to make porn more human is to bring back a sense of beauty and artistic flair or dare I say spirituality and intimacy back into the picture. The end product doesn't have to be something that is super gentle or censored or has this huge plot attached to it. It can be short, intense and vulgar even. But I think humanizing something and incorporating a sense of intimacy means to have a holistic and integrated view on it. I'm pretty sure I sound like a broken record but again, it's about the over all vibe and emotional energy that is put out there. I know I talked about this before on how I find porn boring and hell unstimulating but I feel that mainstream porn has such a focus on how the person having sex looks and not enough focus on how the whole thing physically feels, emotionally feels, what the set is like, the noises (like the amount that the women scream and the lack of men moaning is honestly just not it) etc. Camera shots are also incredibly important. For me, a huge close up on a penis ramming into a vagina does nothing to me. Instead, show me decent foreplay. Show me people actually making out for a while and have that build up instead of showing a guy force his tongue down a woman's throat for 3 seconds and then fucking her right away. Show me the way a man grabs a woman's wrist (or just the way a man uses his hands in general. Like it isn't about the hands themselves but it's what he does with them). Show me the way people embrace one another or the way their fingers interlock. Show me the way someone gets pushed down and the way they feel the weight of the other person on top of them. Show me the fear, the comfort, the melancholy, the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the love that is in a person's eyes. Show me the heavy breathing. Show me the way people melt into one another. Show me something more than a bunch of naked people and a few penises and vaginas. That's the problem with mainstream porn in my opinion. It shows a lot naked bodies doing things but it doesn't reveal all that much. I don't think mainstream porn is revealing enough or stimulating enough. Personally given that a lot internet porn is boring af to me, I find myself resorting to audio, something to read, or just my own imagination instead. Recently, however, I've been cutting back on even reading things and relying more heavily on my own imagination. I have a couple of reasons for this. One is that I think it would be more helpful if I didn't have any outside influences muddying the waters of what I'm into. I want to see what I come up with organically without outside inspiration. The other reason is because I've been really sexually frustrated lately to where these things feel like they are reinforcing this idea that sex is something that isn't for me and that it’s something for other people. It hasn’t been the most emotionally healthy thing for me lately and I feel like there is a lot to unpack there before I do anything.

My Relationship With Porn I feel like this topic is a natural transition considering on how my last post was on NoFap, my opinions on it, and how there is a lot of discussion around misusing porn and getting an addiction from it in NoFap spaces. I think it would be best to break this thing down chronologically. So I first got exposed to porn when I was 13/14 years old. I didn't care for it all that much. I watched a couple videos here and there just out of pure curiosity. But I will say that I got on the rough sex section really easily and I wasn't mature enough to handle what I was seeing and the messed up what I thought was supposed to be pleasurable for a few years. I wrote about the normalization of rough sex and my experience with it in another post on this journal: Then at 14, that's when I found out asexuality was a thing and I had a strong suspicion that it was a label that applied to me. But I didn't want to go around telling I was asexual without contemplating this on my own. In addition to me contemplating and figuring out whether or not I felt sexual attraction, 14 year old me thought it was a ~*brilliant*~ idea to go on a porn binge. Basically my logic was *what if I watched a bunch of different videos in different categories to see if any thing turns me on and if nothing turns me on I guess I really am asexual.* Because what if I'm not asexual and I just have a really weird fetish or kink that I never knew about. Honestly, this binge left me feeling really drained and simply bored out of my god damn mind. It was awful. There was nothing pleasurable about it. And with this experience I concluded that I must be asexual because literally nothing that I watched during that binge turned me on in the slightest. Around 15/16 or so, I had a lot of body image issues. I think one time I saw a picture of Mia Khalifa in just regular clothes and I was like *you know what, low key we have a similar body type.* It's REALLY weird. She's like the same height and weight and she even has the same shoe size as me. The only difference is that her boobs are fake and she has abs and I don't have abs but my boobs are real. I guess you win some and you lose some lol. I watched a couple of her videos and I didn't get turned on (again, mind you I still identified as asexual) but I did get this sense of *I am seeing myself in this situation.* I started watching more porn as this weird sense of validation because women who physically had similar body types as me be seen in a desirable light. Because often times in the media, being really skinny and often really tall is seen as the ideal. And I am neither one of those things. And while porn got me out of this loop I had playing in my head of how ugly I looked and how disgusting my body was, I still didn't see myself as beautiful. It's messed up on how depiction of curvier women, even outside of porn, when they are portrayed in a positive light, it is always the light of sexiness rather than beauty. Sometimes it feels like there are two sides. Either you're being told that you're a fatty that needs to lose weight or no one will ever find you attractive or it's people staring at you from a young age and mainly focusing on your ass and tits and then you get told to covered up because now you're a whore who is asking for it. Also around 15 or so, I would use porn as a way to motivate myself to work out and eat better and it's so messed up in hindsight. I'm experiencing a lot of cringe when I write this paragraph out. But it reinforced this idea that I have to look a certain way to be seen as desirable and worthy of intimacy. I guess at the time it felt like a better, more realistic alternative. Because my body is closer to Mia Khalifa than it is to the average Victoria Secret model. It felt like watching my body but like an optimized version of it. This whole body image thing can be a post of it's own tbh. But the bottom line is that I went from seeing myself through this lens of ugliness to this lens of objectification. Both are dehumanizing. From like 17 and on wards, I didn't (and currently don't) watch a lot of porn. I have reasons for this. First of all, there is the racism aspect. Especially when it comes to the dehumanization of black men and just reducing them down to their dicks and there being this whole fetish on dark skinned black men fucking really tiny pale petite blonde women just is ewwwwww....... There is a lot of unpack here and that can be it's own post. I feel like whenever I watch porn, I need to watch white people porn to avoid dealing with the whole fetishization aspect. But then that also reinforces a lot of racial standards around beauty and desirability so there is no winning. Second there is the boredom aspect of it. I mentioned that porn made me bored out of my god damn mind earlier in this post. While me identifying as asexual has a huge part in it, I think the male gaze also has a large impact. There is a quote that I feel sums things up well. It goes along the lines of "when you watch porn, you're not watching a man and a woman, you're watching a penis and a vagina." And that really resonates with me. A lot of straight porn feels like it's devoid of connection and chemistry. It also doesn't do a good job on depicting pleasure for women because that isn't the audience that is usually kept in mind during shooting. I remember reading and article on why straight women often prefer lesbian porn over straight porn. A lot of it has to do with how lesbian porn has more of an emphasis on foreplay, giving/receiving oral, and things that actually make women cum. I mean, most women don't climax with penetration alone and when it comes to straight porn, penetration is the main thing that is depicted. Also related to the boredom aspect, there isn't much of an emphasis on the guy at all. Half of the time the guy is fucking ugly and the other half of the time he's just a penis and there is nothing that is there that would appeal to a woman's senses in the situation of watching a video. And as a result, I find myself getting bored and critiquing the interior design of the set and why the curtains don't match the rug literally. I would also say that blow job scenes do absolutely nothing for me. I think it would be fun to give one but watching someone else give one is boring. I would say that I wish they had a female pov but honestly, I just end up thinking about this meme about what you see vs what she sees: I would also say that I wish there was more of a plot and a sense of context in porn but then again knowing how notoriously bad porn acting is, I think I'll pass. But then again, you can create a feeling of intimacy and focus on how something feels rather than what something looks like through the way scenes are shot and what kinds of positions people are in. I really think there is a lot of things in porn that looks good on camera but probably wouldn't feel as good physically. Ok on second thought maybe we should have more bad acting and plot devices in porn because this is hilarious. This guy seems so genuinely confused and is giving me himbo energy. I love this. The comments on this video also kill me. And finally, there is the exploitation part of it. The whole industry is shady. There is a lot of revenge porn out there. There are people who get pressured to do certain scenes. And the whole thing just doesn't feel right. That's not to demonize porn but it's to point out on how badly sex workers get treated and how things get leaked without people's consent (another post for another day). Every now and then I do watch it just for something quick or some inspiration for my own imagination. Usually I don't watch more than a couple videos every other week or so. I've found other things that work for me. There isn't really a dependence or an addiction surrounding porn for me. I can go weeks and months without watching it and I'd be fine and I wouldn't have any cravings or a sense of repression because of it. I don't think there is inherently anything wrong with porn. I do think there needs to be more education around porn and what it depicts along with better practices in the industry. Imma do a part 2.

Just wanted to cross a few things out to see how much ground I'm covering when it comes to the things I want to talk about. It's been a little more than 2 weeks since I jotted this list down quickly. Even though I didn't have a specific post related to each of these items, there are posts that I really go into it to where I do end up expressing most of the thoughts I wanted to express.

LMAOOOO There is the crassness but on top of that I feel like there aren't that many constructive discussions that happen around sexuality in general. I feel like I have better conversations about all of this irl or on other social media platforms. There is just a lot of bullshit to weed through around here.

Time Travel Things After writing the previous post, I suddenly unlocked this memory from my childhood. I completely forgot about this show but I remember this was my shit growing up. I would get so excited when this was on TV on Saturday mornings. Basically, you have these three kids. One of them has an uncle who gives them this magic book that lets them travel through time and basically they use the book to have a bunch of these adventures where they learn about historical figures. I found a whole playlist on YouTube with all of the episodes. I rewatched a couple for old times sake and even though it's a little corny, I still enjoyed it. I mentioned Meet The Robinsons in my last post. I swear this was the movie that always played in my school because there was always that one kid that would recommend this when everyone else was indecisive. I probably watched this movie at least once a year every year from when it came out to like 2011. I remember being sick of this movie as a kid. But now it just gives me nostalgia. I remember one time I told my dad about how much I liked the whole time travel trope and he introduced me to the Back to the Future Trilogy. I still think the way the doors open upward in the DeLorean is really cool. I wish there were more cars like that but in different models because other than the cool door thing, the car wasn't all that. I also found it really interesting on how people in the 80s envisioned what 2015 would look like. I remember when New Years rolled around and it was 2015, I immediately just thought that this was the year when Marty goes to the future and fucks shit up. There was also the Twilight Zone. It was on every now and then on this one channel that had all of the old TV shows on there. Tbh I don't remember much of the show but I do remember enjoying it, feeling creeped out, and feeling like my mind was fucked every time I watched an episode. I also enjoyed the other shows that were on there and I found it interesting on seeing what things were like back then. I wrote about this a while back. And then there is my grandmother. She was born in 1918 in what is now Bangladesh. She was alive when the British were in India (pre-1947), when Partition happened (1947), when Bangladesh was a part of Pakistan(1947-1971), and then when Bangladesh got it's independence and became it's own country (1971). During that time she could have had a British Indian passport, she did have a Pakistani passport, and a Bangladeshi passport without moving anywhere. And then later on in her life she immigrated to the U.S. I can't say that I was super close to her but growing up every now and then I would catch myself marveling about the amount of shit and the amount of change she saw in her life. Technologically, it's interesting but again, the social aspect is more interesting to me which I wrote about in the post I linked above. I guess the main disheartening thing about the topic of time travel is that I'm a brown woman who is not quite straight. Every now and then I would get asked *what time period do you want to travel back to* and it's always awkward because ummm... basic human rights...... And it's always a white man who asks this question. I guess if I could go to any time period, I'd try to go to the future but then again, given how things are going, I don't even know if I would like what I would see lol. But I still stand by the answer because even if the future isn't pretty, I would still get that wtf factor and I think that would still be interesting.

The Place for the Female Gaze on this Forum There is this sense of isolation that I feel here. I think I always felt it but I'm starting to notice it more and be more mindful of it as I've been writing in this journal. I know damn well that women aren't really on this forum and that a lot of things, especially things that relate to dating and sexuality, are largely filtered through the male gaze. I feel like as I've been delving into the ways that I view sex and sexuality as a whole, the contrast between the male gaze and the female gaze feels more and more clear. In a way, I feel like I'm moving more into the construct aware stage where you start to really notice how much language and the paradigms you think with (or hell even the way movies are shot) influences your reality internally and externally. Because when it comes to the topic of female sexuality and what is considered sexy according to the eyes of the average man and the average woman, you can tell a lot about a person's attitudes towards women implicitly or explicitly when you listen to them describe what aspect exactly they find attractive and how they choose to describe it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before but straight men describing a hot girl and lesbian/bisexual woman describing a hot girl (or hell how straight women describe hot girls even though they aren't attracted to them sexually) feel like completely different energies. Or even how the way men describe women they find attractive vs how the way women describe men who they find attractive feel like different energies. I'm probably going to get into that later in a different post that I have planned since I feel like I'm straying from the topic. But yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm journaling about my thoughts and experiences in the wrong place with the wrong audience. And I've noticed that as I've been becoming more aware of the difference between the male and female gaze through journaling and mindfulness, and the more the differences become more stark, the more uncomfortable going into the dating section of this forum feels. The dating section of this forum always made me uncomfortable for a variety of reasons to where I try to ignore it when I can. But after journaling on here, this feels like another level. I've also been taking more of a break from this forum and talking to other people in my life, both men and women, and I feel there is this clash between my direct experience with what people talk about on here. And tbh, this uncomfy feeling sometimes makes me hesitant to write out my thoughts here because I get an impression that people probably think I'm incredibly deluded and deceived when it comes to articulating my own desires. I don't think it's to the point where I get a sense of anxiety or that I'm afraid of what other people will say (like I'm pretty sure I'm not THAT important on this forum for the weirdos to target lol). But in a way, I feel like whenever this journal has a new post and goes up to the top of the "Self-Actualization Journals" section, there is a collective eyeroll. Again, I highly doubt the guys who would actually be triggered with my content would even have the patience to read my long posts and therefore I'm probably having an inflated sense of self in a way (like hey, you're not special, no one cares and no one is looking your way, you're good lol. Do what ever you want nothing matters.). But I guess there is this form of intimidation that comes with offering an alternative view that goes against the grain when you aren't even trying. And because I'm not trying to push anything and a lot of the stuff I'm saying is coming from an authentic exploration of my own desires and views, there is an even greater sense of vulnerability at play. I guess what this journal hits at more is how it reveals on how I sometimes feel out of place as a woman on this forum especially when I try to explain my views around dating and relationships. And while that can feel intimidating, articulating my point of view also feels rather empowering. I feel like I'm carving out more of a space for women to do the same on here even if that means being able to relate to something that I wrote or rethinking something.

Thoughts on No Fap It's October 2019. I can't sleep so I decided to go on YouTube. The algorithm had me come across this guy who does these parodies of people who do the absolute most when it comes to self help. I watched a few of his videos because I thought it was entertaining (tbh, that isn't much of a feat because it was 3 am in the morning, I'm bored, I'm high on life, and I will laugh at anything during crack head hours). After watching a few of his videos, the algorithm started recommending me videos from I guess other chunk of content this guy makes on his channel. And next thing I know, I'm watching a bunch of videos with this guy who is telling me how I shouldn't bust a nut lmao. Tbh, I caught myself binging some of his videos because it had that wtf factor and it was very contradictory view on my personal opinions. I thought *hey why not be a little open minded and explore contradictory opinions because maybe I'll learn something. And you know what, even if I don't learn anything, the wtf factor will make things funny and entertaining.* Me watching NoFap videos: And then I forgot about all of this until I came across people talking about NoFap on this forum. I guess the basic impression I get from NoFap is that a lot of it often is linked to guys having an unhealthy and even addictive relationship with porn. Consequently, not jacking off is seen as a solution and people try to not jack off for long periods of time to achieve some type of desired end result. Some people do it to get over their addiction while others claim that NoFap helps them be more creative and preserve energy. The first I get. The second, I'll admit I'm rather skeptical of. I feel like a lot of it has to do with placebo tbh. My hunch is that dealing with addictive behaviors linked to masturbation such as issues with porn along with avoiding masturbation because you use it as some type of coping mechanism to avoid dealing with other issues with your life are the things that are actually helping these men. Because if you take away the coping mechanism and actually address what's happening, that's when the improvements come about. Personally, I tried this. It wasn't really hard tbh and I didn't get much of a benefit from it. My guess is that I didn't get results because I never used masturbation as a coping mechanism to avoid my problems and because I never had an addictive relationship to porn. The reason why NoFap felt contradictory to my opinion around masturbation is because prior to finding this guy, I had this experiment with myself. One night I was basically like *what would happen if I jacked off every night for 30 days.* It wasn't anything super serious. It just came from a place of lighthearted curiosity. Basically after that, I noticed that I handled stress better and it was easier to fall asleep (apparently there is a hormonal explanation for this). I also felt that I had a better relationship with my body. This manifested in both me figuring out what I physically liked technique wise as well as seeing my body as desirable, not for anyone else but for me and for me only. My body is desirable to me not because of the way it looks or what I can do with it, but because it's mine and mine only. This experiment helped get rid of shame that I had around my body and my sexuality that I didn't know I even had at the time. I think for women, sex, especially masturbation, is seen as dirty and sinful. I feel that it is still something that is still taboo to talk about. I think most people are ok with guys jacking off but when it comes to women, there are people who get all triggered about it. I feel that a lot of it has to do with how women's pleasure isn't prioritized during sex, even in the topic of self pleasure. It goes back to this whole attitude of how sex is something that done to women rather than with women which is a whole nother post by itself. I think when it comes to emotions like shame, it's one of those things that can subconsciously bleed into other areas of your life. But on the flipside, resolving shame can also cause beneficial things to bleed into other areas of your life. Because society as a whole tends to have shame wrapped around female sexual energy, that also bleeds into having shame around female energy as a whole. And unpacking some of that shame, even if it mainly pertained to my sexuality and my body, it still improved my relationship to my over all energy and sense of confidence as well as assertiveness as a whole. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't necessarily the masturbation that caused this sense of confidence and assertiveness rather it was me doing the work to unpack the shame and build a healthy sexual relationship with myself. Busting a nut, as nice as it might feel, is something I see as spiritual and magical lol. But it still is a part of my whole self care routine. Interesting enough, this sense of confidence and assertiveness is something that a lot of NoFap people talk about when they talk about the benefits of their practice. I don't think that this sense of confidence and assertiveness is necessarily attributed to NoFap itself rather it's about finding ways to have a better sexual relationship with yourself. When it comes to cultivating that healthier relationship, a lot of it depends on what's making that relationship unhealthy in the first place and what your particular situation is like. Solutions to problems tend to be as unique as the problem is itself. Overall I feel that for some people, NoFap can be beneficial but for other people it can miss the mark in dealing with the actual problem or worse lead to a form of repression.

Thank you

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Winter Winter When I think of the winter months, I don't really think of the cold (because I live in a place that usually doesn't really get cold), rather I think of the coziness that surrounds the holidays. If there is one word that would sum up this side of my sexuality, I would say that it is coziness. It's the side that is more so rooted in self care. I also feel like during the winter months that I tend to become more self focused especially around New Years where I focus on self care, self improvement, and getting to know myself more. Even though the other sides also have an emphasis on sensuality, I would say that sensuality is even more emphasized in Winter because of the way that it fuses with self care. Winter likes candles, lotion, massages, hot showers, bubble baths and self pleasure. I feel like ever since I got an idea of what I liked physically, masturbation basically became part of my self care routine at night. I wash my face, moisturize my skin, bust a nut and then go to sleep lmao. I would describe Winter as self focused/ self loving, sensual, relaxed, and grounded. Aesthetically speaking, while I would say that the other sides have a more cohesive aesthetic fashion wise, Winter is more focused on how something physically feels and is projecting internally rather than what it looks like and what kind of energy it's projecting out. I feel like Winter as an aesthetic can range from cuddling with someone in comfy clothes and fuzzy socks and feeling the warmth to sleeping naked by yourself at night simply because it feels nice. I think the way Winter comes out is mainly through my love language. Basically for those who aren't familiar with the 5 Love Languages, they are basically ways people tend to communicate and receive love and the ways they feel the most cared for. The 5 love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. While the 5 love languages are usually discussed in the context of a relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, parent/child relationships, or even friendships, they can also be applied to self care. For me, my prominent love languages are physical touch and quality time. And I feel that I use my sexuality for myself to meet both aspects because this is me being present with myself and spending quality time with myself as well as obviously appealing to my five senses through touch. Some music that I associate with this side of my sexuality are really anything that is in a language I don't speak. The reason why I specify languages that I don't speak is because I feel like when you don't understand the lyrics, you're more likely to pay attention to the sound and the voice and the syllables in the lyrics basically becomes part of the melody. I feel that because I don't mentally understand what's going on, I'm forced to be more intuitive and go with the over all vibe the music is painting. It's as if it causes me to be more physically present by calling more attention towards my senses right here and now rather than analyzing what's happening in the song lyrically (I already tend to be hyper analytic and in my head, and sometimes I just need a break lol). The first song is one of my favorites. I love things that are slowed and adding in the rain just makes the whole thing so perfect.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Fall Fall I feel like Fall is basically an extension of my prolonged emo phase lol. I also feel like I tap into it when it's actually fall and winter because my wardrobe during that time of the year usually has darker colors. This side of my sexuality really has me feeling like the big titty goth girl friend meme lmao. Other than that, if I were to describe Fall, I would describe her as openminded, assertive, fearless, and intimidating. I would say that this side of my sexuality switches between overtness and subtlety, kind of like the Dua Lipa / St Vincent performance I linked in the previous page of this journal. While Spring has a soft form of femininity and Summer has a bold form of femininity, I would say instead of femininity, Fall has a more masculine tendency. Summer also has this sense of dominance that comes from a very bold and feminine way but I would say Fall's dominance comes in a dominance that is rooted in a quiet sense of confidence. Again, there is this overt subtlety. There is also this sense of mysteriousness that is wrapped up in all of this. Part of the way this subtlety and mysteriousness I believe shows up in my aesthetic when I embrace this part of myself is that I tend to dress more conservatively in the sense I'm more covered up (again, it's fall, it's getting colder). I think the masculine vibe comes through with the sharp angles and the way it fits my body more. I feel like I embraced this side of my style and my sexuality more when I was a teenager. I'm not super into this aesthetic now because I dressed like this for such a long time to where when I wear black, it just feels stale lol because I feel my old energy. But even though I feel like I'm in a different energy, I still feel that I exude this sense of control and intimidation around people. Again, there is this sense of assertiveness and the fact that I'm pretty firm in my boundaries, and I have been told that I come off as the type of person that has their shit together (even when I really don't). I don't see this sense of intimidation a bad thing because what I've noticed is that usually the people that are intimidated by me, they're usually not the type of people I want to deal with in the first place. I think it aids in the vetting process and also protects me as well. I wouldn't say that Fall is emotionally closed off or on edge around emotional connection. Like Spring, there is this sense of wanting to emotionally connect and delve into intimacy and vulnerability more. It just manifests in a different way. It's less soft and more intense. I just think always being submissive would get really boring. I think I would like a nice mix in the way I express myself. I would also add that this energy doesn't really align along the lines of "hot witch girlfriend" but it's more along the lines of the scary put together person that dress mainly in dark colors and that you are afraid to cross in the workplace because you're afraid that she will bite your head off. But also there is a part of you that wouldn't mind having your head bitten off. As for music, even though I don't listen to St. Vincent like that, I think the energy she puts out is a really good embodiment of how I feel inside.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Summer Summer: I would describe this side of my sexuality as bold, energetic, more experimental, and rather overt. Summer is also more over the top and has this exaggerated sense of femininity. If it was an aesthetic, it would very much be something like drag where people take features that are associated with femininity and take it more towards the extreme for artistic and stylistic purposes. Summer is here for a fun, and adventurous time. Like Spring, there is an essence of light heartedness but unlike Spring, it doesn't have the wholesomeness attached to it rather it is more rooted in spontaneity. I would say that out of all of the sides I'm going to be talking about, this is probably the side that I'm least connected with at this time. I would say I see this form of sexuality be represented in pop culture, particularly in music, more but for me, rather than embodying it at this time, I tend to admire from afar. Aesthetically, I always liked the whole baddie aesthetic. I love the bold colors, the fancy makeup, the ridiculously long nails, the hair, everything. I find the whole thing to be really artistic, expressive, and unapologetic. I especially like really long acrylic nails. However, I tried to get the once and even though I loved the way they looked, I simply couldn't function. Which gave me an even greater appreciation for them tbh because the women who can function with really long fake nails, they're on another level. Even though I'm not a party person and often times I feel kind of out of place in parties because I tend to gravitate towards smaller get togethers, one on one time, and solitude as an ideal way to spend my time, when I'm at a party, it better be lit. In my opinion, it isn't a party without dancing at least 5 people shaking their ass. Ok this is a tangent but once I went to a frat party in my predominantly white school and THERE WERE NO ONE DANCING AT THE PARTY. All I saw were a bunch of white people jump up and down to Eye Of The Tiger. I didn't see anyone twerk or even attempt to do so. Listen... I can appreciate all types of music. But if you put on 80s music or my emo playlist from middle school and high school or you play Summer Time Sadness, as much as I like LDR, I'm walking out. There is a time and place for that and this is neither the time or the place. If I'm at party yall better play some City Girls or at the very least some EDM. But anyway... although I'm not super connected to this side of my sexuality, I know it's there. I have this playlist that I call "Songs that make me feel like I can twerk." This playlist makes me feel like a bad bitch. I feel confident. I feel comfortable in my body. I am having fun. And I at times I convince myself into thinking that I can throw it back or dance only to be reminded by a passing mirror that I look like Tina from Bob's Burgers. Whenever I try to twerk, there is no ass shaking. It's all back. Twerking is a life skill I have yet to master lmao. And honestly, when I'm listening to this playlist and I come to this realization, I can't even be upset because I can laugh it off and continue to have fun. Granted I do all of this at 3 am in the morning in my room alone when I can't sleep so there is that. I'm pretty sure I'd be mortified if someone I wasn't comfortable with saw me dancing like an absolute crack head. I feel like Megan thee Stallion unlocks a different side to my sexuality. I feel so hyped up when I listen to her music.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Spring One of the ways that I like to see sexuality is seeing it as a person's sexual personality. It's the over all energy they bring to a sexual situation imo. And even if you don't express it towards anyone or thing, often times you still give off that energy and in some ways you can still connect with it through self expression. Since I'm not the best at articulating specific vibes, I decided to make a few pinterest boards and music to capture the mood. Pictures speak a thousand words so I wont have to. Spring: I would characterize this side to my sexuality has more wholesome, concerned with emotional intimacy when it comes to sex, as well as physically and emotionally sensitive. There is a softer, and more traditional form of femininity at play here as well as this sense of submissiveness. There is also a lot of vulnerability. Recently, I feel like I have been more in touch with this side of myself romantically and sexually. I don't think that's going to be forever. There are seasons to this as I have observed in myself. I think I'm currently at a phase of my life where I do need a great deal of trust and emotional intimacy to be able to open up sexually. I don't think casual sex of a friends with benefits situation would be the healthiest for me. As for submissiveness, I'm pretty sure it comes from a way of coping with inexperience lol. I think I'm just submissive because I don't know what I'm doing..... yet. But I still think that even after I become more experienced and as a result, more confident with this part of myself, I still think Spring would still be a part of my sexuality. To me, this energy isn't so much centered around being doe eyed and naïve rather it is more along the lines of ethereal and refreshing. I don't think I really give off that doe eyed, naive, girlish energy because of other aspects of my personality as well as my sexuality. I feel most connected to this side of myself when I listen to Lana Del Rey's music. Also, I found a channel that makes instrumental versions of her songs and I swear, the instrumentals just hit different. In addition to music, I really like experimenting with my looks. Right now, I'm really drawn to this particular aesthetic. I'm just in a phase where I feel the sexiest, the most beautiful, the most confident, and the most myself in lighter color palettes and florals.

Memories that Haunt Me Ok so there is this memory from when I was 9 that has been haunting me since 2016 or so. It was January 2009. Obama just got elected president. I'm chillin in the 3rd grade and we were doing the unit on slavery, Jim Crowe, and segregation in history class. My teacher rolls out the TV on one of those rolly stand things, sits the entire class down, and had us watch the entire inauguration. Again, I was 9. I knew the bare bones basics of racism and didn't get the whole systemic aspect of it as much. I remember thinking *huh interesting, I'm alive to see the first black president. It really wasn't that long ago since segregation was a thing. That's so crazy for people who were alive back then to be able to see this now.* I also started thinking about other historical events we discussed in school ranging from wars, inventions, little fun facts, things of that nature. After the inauguration, we basically had a discussion as a class. I remember saying this. "I wonder what other historical events I'm going to live through in my life." And I remember exactly the feeling that was going through me. It was this feeling of anticipation and excitement. Part of the issue with history I remember encountering at that age was that all of the grand stories happened before I was born. As a result, I remember feeling this detachment from the reality of those events whether it was super positive like the first airplane being built or super chaotic like the Civil War. That disconnect kind of made history boring and unrelatable. Plus in hindsight, I was a literal child. There was only so much that I could empathize with and there was only so much the adults would tell us because when you're teaching history to kids, you don't want to leave things out but you want to present them in a way that it's age appropriate so you don't end up scarring them since young children can only process so much. At the end of the day, I came back from school and I turned on the TV as usual to watch cartoons. I flipped it to PBS Kids because I wanted to watch Arthur. And there was Obama. I flipped through all of the other channels whether they be kids channels or not and everyone was talking about Obama. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling slightly annoyed. Like, again, I'm just trying to watch Arthur. I also remember thinking *you know I get that this is important, but damn, guess it's REALLY important.* I was at the age where I saw politics as an old person thing and the thing that we would try to get the parents talking about right before we were about to leave our friend's house so that they would get into a discussion and we would have extra time to play. The next day I go to school and I start talking to some of the kids in my class and they also had the same experiences with trying to watch TV and just encountering Obama everywhere they looked. I just remember one kid saying "It's like wherever you look THERE HE IS ~~***OBAMA***~~. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE OBAMA." And then we kind of tried to brain storm what other significant historic events we would go through because we were in this mood of THIS IS SO EXCITING I'M ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING A HISTORIC EVENT IN REAL TIME THAT I'M GOING TO REMEMBER WHEN I GROW UP!!!! HISTORY IS SO COOL!!!! Some of the things we came up with were wars, bombs, protests, zombie apocalypse, flying cars, aliens, or really any invention we saw in the Meet the Robinsons. Oh yeah, we also thought of the world ending in 2012 and the natural disasters that would happen because that was something that was on TV every now and then. We were basically trying to come up with the most dramatic thing we could think of that we would all be affected by. I also remember watching the news every now and then with my parents. Things that would come up over and over included the swine flu, the economy being a mess, old people arguing about health care, and some conflict that was happening in the Middle East. And as a child, I didn't know what was happening for the most part. It all felt like background noise to a certain extent because of my lack of awareness as a kid. But every now and then I would look at this background noise. I still didn't get it but I would think.... whatever is all on the news today is going to be what my kids are going to have to learn in school in the future. Anyway, so fast forward to November 2016. I was 17 years old. Trump got elected. I didn't even check the news that morning because I was running late. I went to sleep the night before thinking *ya know, my girl Hillary got it in the bag. Everything will return back to normal. This will all be a funny memory." I get to the bus and the whole mood was really gloomy. I'm not even trying to make this up but it was actually cloudy and rainy outside as well. There were some people angry, some in shock, some depressed. Basically people were going through the stages of grief. And I remember thinking.... oh no... I'm living through a historical event... oh no.... 2016 was a chaotic year and given Trump was now president, the circus wasn't about to leave town anytime soon. I just knew that a domino effect will happen and I will have to deal with a string of historical events because we have an unhinged mad man in the office. It honestly felt like I entered into a different time line... because honestly WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Seriously. I remember people would joke about how Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar threw off the time line and that resulted in opening this Pandora's box of chaos which turned into 2016. Then my mind immediately went to that memory from the 3rd grade and all I thought was how I wanted to get off that ride. I started getting why adults just wanted a peaceful uneventful life. And 17 year old me really thought that was going to be worst of it. All I can say to her is this: At this point, I'm living through a plague. The ocean was on fire. The billionaire are having a space race. There is a labor shortage. All types of shit is happening. And if I hear the word *unprecedented* one more god damn time I'm going to lose it. The main thing I can think of now is going up to that 9 year old kid and saying "you're going to have to deal with more historical events than you can think of and it will be exciting all right." But I'm not going to say it with enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure the kid can hear the exhaustion in my voice and see it as a warning lol. However, knowing how I was like back then, that kid will ask me if I turned into one of those adults who are tired all the time and if so why I'm like that. To that I would answer that this is what happens when you go through too many historical events at once. And tbh, that kid would probably think that's interesting and would want to continue talking but I would have to tell that kid on how time travel works and how I can't tell her too much. She would understand that. I remember growing up I had this interest with time travel and I would watch Back to the Future over and over again. So basically, I knew how this shit worked as a kid and the whole deal with alternate time lines lol. To my 17 year old self, I would just tell her that things are going to be really weird for a really long time. Like, you can't even imagine how weird it's going to get. And I know she'll start panicking and getting triggered to which I will reassure her with memes and try to make this thing in a funny situation because that's how she coped with things. I would also reassure her by telling her that Trump will be a 1 term president. Then I would bounce the moment she starts asking about how my life is going now.

I'm just venting and I really need to get this off of my chest. I find myself getting really quiet and shutting myself out when I feel like I don't have much in common. I don't necessarily feel anxious but I feel like I can't relate and as a result I have nothing to say and then consequently I don't really act like myself. These interactions also feel super forced. I also feel like these interactions feel super awkward and in a weird way it makes me feel like I don't have a personality or interests. I know I'm probably internalizing the fact that I don't click with everyone as some type of personal failure like that must mean that there is something defective about me (not interesting enough, not charismatic enough, lacking in social skills etc.) Also, it feels like forever since I have clicked with someone based on a common interest. I know it isn't my fault because I've been locked in the house for over a year but even though I'm normally really comfortable with being alone, lately it just feels really isolating. I genuinely crave relating people on an in person basis and sometimes I feel like I'm never going to find people I click with or find my tribe/niche. And on top of wanting to relate to people, I really just want to feel like myself again when it comes to social situations because I know that when I'm around people that I have things in common with, I'm much more open, much more out there, and just much more like the best version of myself for a lack of a better way of putting it. Is this normal? Is it normal to not feel like you can be yourself and open up unless you feel like you have things in common with people?

The Lolita Resurgence OH NO OH NO NOT THIS THING AGAIN I THOUGHT WE WERE PASSED THIS TREND I THOUGHT WE ALREADY LAID THIS SHIT TO REST YEARS AGO I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS OH HELL NO NOPE WHY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ok, internal screaming aside, I did actually like the analysis on this video anyway.... I'm going to tackle the whole lolita thing later Found something else that I want to discuss first.

Ok I found the thread I was looking for. I especially appreciate flowboy's, Etherial Cat's and aurum's comments/input.

Just a Tiny Rant I don't know why but the phrases "stimulate her emotions" or "spike her emotions" feels really weird and off to me. I see it be thrown around in the dating section. LIKE SIR do you just mean connect with her as a person, have a baseline of chemistry, and have a personality? That feels like the bare minimum. And if the chemistry or connection isn't there or yall's personality doesn't mesh for what ever reason, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just incompatibility tbh. No one is doing anything wrong (unless it's the case where someone feels emotionally uncomfortable to where they feel unsafe in a way, that's different). Happens on the platonic, romantic, and sexual level all the time. Nothing personal. Also, if I remember correctly, someone did talk about how looking at relationships solely through the lens of survival rather than love, intimacy, and connection can be detrimental and can cause misanthropic / misogynistic tendencies on this forum. That really resonated with me. I get that technically everything is survival and that isn't a bad thing but sometimes I feel that when people use the term survival, they use it as a short hand to lump everything together as "petty human shit." And because everything is lumped together, there isn't much nuance and there is a tendency for false equivalency where people lump together emotional intimacy and wanting big titties into the same blob of category that is survival. There is this trivialization that is in play. The way it's used is that it down plays the very human need for emotional connection and sees it as this "feminine thing" while justifying objectivation by not going into how harmful it is at the same time. I don't know if I'm articulating this well. Idk, I have a hard time believing that it's a masculine/man thing to not care about emotional connection and intimacy and that men and women are at odds at this. That attitude also reeks of the "boys will be boys", "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", "men and women are fundamentally different" vibes. I get that emotional connection is seen as feminine because of the way vulnerability is stigmatized for men, but it just feels wrong to gender a human need. (I know that masculinity and femininity are gender neutral but they do have heavy connotations with each gender).

My mouth feels bored. I want to wrap my lips around something and/or have my tongue played with. I have a variety of things in mind.

I felt like taking this post that I made in one of my other journals and include it here. I just started thinking of this specific post after making the post on being conventionally attractive as well as what I personally find attractive.

@Alfonsoo I mean my recommendations are skewed towards my own tastes but personally I like anime, watching commentary youtube videos, astrology and tarot readings, listening to music, and looking at a shit ton of memes. Tbh, I'm not much of a fiction person. I'm just listing out things that I find entertaining and that I find value even though there isn't a direct link between it and self development. Honestly, I don't think it would be helpful for me to give specific recommendations. I think it's better to allow yourself to go towards what you feel drawn towards and let yourself explore from there. I liked the perspective on these videos a lot.

That number sounds incredibly high. I think it's skewed because even though women are affectionate with one another whether that is emotionally connecting to one another, feeling comfortable with physical touch like hugging and cuddling, or hyping each other up by complimenting each other, it doesn't mean they are sexually attracted to each other. A lot of the things that close female friends do with one another are seen as very normal but if the gender was flipped and they were men doing the same thing, it would be seen as gay.

You could use those forms of media to expand your critical thinking skills on how characters relate to one another and how they relate to broader themes in the story. You could use it to expand your empathy and imagination which fiction is really good for. You could use it to explore your own emotions as well. Those are the first things that pop up in my mind. Overall, just let yourself be and enjoy things. You don't have to be hype fixated on growth and actualization to derive valuable experiences.