soos_mite_ah

Sexuality at Stage Blue Part 1: Stage Red Origins Upon finding out about spiral dynamics, studying it, and contemplating how it relates to various areas of my life, I found that a lot of conversations I had about sex with my parents made much more sense due to added context. I knew because of my background that it was unlikely that my parents were going to have super open conversations about sex. Honestly, I have yet to meet a South Asian person who actually had the sex talk with their parents. It's just an understood norm that this is not something you talk about, especially with your parents of all people. But I didn't know exactly how deep the repression went until I came out as asexual to my mom. Both of my parents were really confused when I came out. I never got any hate from them, just confusion and a thousand questions. Eventually they decided to brush it under the rug and never bring it up so I don't have much trauma regarding that. I was prepared for the confusion mainly because that is the most common reaction when people come out asexual since a large chunk of people don't even know it's a thing much less how it worked. But the level of confusion that I encountered with my mom when I came out to her was on a different level. She asked me what being asexual means and I told her that I didn't find men or women attractive. She asked a few more questions but the one that stuck out to me was "wait, so then wouldn't all women be asexual. They don't like sex." I was sitting there just like..... huh? Like I know damn well that this woman is straight. I saw this woman simp over Tom Cruise waaay too many times growing up lmao (honestly I don't really get it lol). After talking to a her a little more, basically I got the impression that her view on sex is that it's not something women enjoy rather it is something for men. Sex happens to you, not with you. I found an article that talks about sexuality for South Asian women which I'll link, but this particular pretty much sums things up. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a37279402/sex-south-asian-women/ I had another conversation with my dad a year before this whole encounter. I forgot what we were talking about but I remember he said something along the lines of this. Sex isn't something that is seen as empowering for women in that part of the world. Because you're sexualized so much, to willfully go after sex or to see yourself as a sexual being is like being enthusiastic of your own demise. Repression is almost seen as empowering because having sex means giving up your power to a man for his pleasure. Referring to my other post about being sexual vs being sexualized, I would also add that for women, being sexualized is the opposite of being allowed to be sexual because the autonomy is taken from you and your sexuality is essentially defined for you rather than you defining it for yourself. And when you're always being sexualized, repressing your self expression is a coping mechanism because if you do try to express yourself, there will be people who will think that you proved them. They will be like "look, you like it, you are a whore after all, why are you complaining about our advances?" I think this form of stage blue "sexual empowerment" makes even more sense when you bring stage red sexuality into the picture. A lot of stage red sexuality does have to do with violence, rape, and degradation. I'd imagine that in those circumstances, saying no and being extremely protective of your "purity" is seen as the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. I think when society transitions from red to blue, that purity more so has to do with the protection from STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and psychological trauma. I think that's where the whole "innocence" element also comes from this lack of trauma. And then, when stage blue is taken to it's peak, the whole purity and innocence thing becomes more rooted in shame and repression. When we are specifically talking about South Asian (I guess this can also apply to the Middle East, can't say for certain though), there is this notion of women being the one that carries their family honor, their family's traditions, and their honor of their country. As a result, whenever there is a huge conflict, such as Partition in 1947 and the Bangladeshi Independence War in 1971 (there is a lot of history on this especially when colonization is taken into account but I wanted to highlight these two instances since they are still very present in the collective memory), there are mass rapes that happen in addition to the bloodshed. Because raping the enemy's woman is seen as the biggest form of fuck you to the enemy and it's seen as also making the woman absolutely worthless in the eyes of men who would've considered marrying her in the process (not saying that women who get raped are worthless, that's the train of thought of these people). As a result, I'd say that the natural progression from this stage red form of sexuality is to move into stage blue.

I was contemplating this a while back and I did a whole journal entry that I recommend checking out: A couple of key points from that post: I think our preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that it is something stagnant in ourselves. Preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that something we're doing has some absolute truth that other people have to agree with or aspire to. I go into detail and provide examples for both. Hope this helps!

The Worst Version of Myself I talked about what the best version of myself is like in another post in my main journal which I thought I'd include here. So basically, the worst version of myself is unproductive/ unfocused, emotionally and socially closed off, and judgmental as fuck. I've also been reevaluating how I approach relationships in general. I found this thread to be really helpful and basically the stuff that was said since then has basically been marinating in my head ever since. Then I watched this video that just always makes me smile. I just think it's funny and I feel like I resonate with it a lot but not so much so to where I feel called out (idk, maybe I should feel called out lol). And I thought about it a little more as to why this resonates and then I realized that this is basically a caricature of what the worst version of myself is in it's pettiest, most exaggerated form. I decided post it here because I think this what the worst version of myself would look like in a relationship. The only thing that doesn't resonate at all is the making fun of someone for crying bit. But the rest of it was a call out lol. And I'm not even a Sagittarius lmao. I especially resonated with "look, I love you, I just don't want to see you for a month okay?" and "oh yeah honey fantasy football seems like a great way to spend you time *internally judging: I'm dating a fucking loser*."

I mostly agree. Sex isn't something you're as fixated on because you're probably getting your needs met in other ways. I have also noticed people mimicking the "above sex mentality" as well. IMO, if you were actually "above sex" you wouldn't go around saying that and creating a spiritual ego around that. I know when I identified as asexual, I didn't have that whole complex around it lol and I was more neutral about it because the urge wasn't really there. It was kind of an *eh.. it is what it is* attitude. With yellow, I'm not saying you turn asexual and you aren't attracted to anyone but what I am saying is that there is that neutrality that's there But I also think there is another side of it. Yeah there are people who get to yellow and they're kind of neutral towards sex because it doesn't lead to eudaimonia but the other side is having better sex that does lead to eudaimonia. If I'm not mistaken, strong healthy relationships whether they be platonic or romantic are also eudaimonic. I think in romantic relationships, you can use sex in a very deep, meaningful, and emotionally fulfilling way. There is an emphasis on that aspect of sex as opposed to *let me see what's the craziest thing I can do.* I don't think that sex is inherently hedonistic. It's kind of like food. You can approach food in a way where you gorge yourself and find enjoyment in that or you can approach food where you genuinely enjoy the process of making the food, building you cooking skills, and really savoring the food. I think the later is more eudaimonic and approaches the things like a hobby that puts you into a flow state. And I think sex can be the same way. I know this might sound a lot like green but I think this is one of those instances where it's important to acknowledge that the later stages still consist of the earlier stages. And just in general outside of the topic of sex, I think yellow can sometimes come off as blue because they are extremely principled. The difference is that they aren't nearly as dogmatic about it as blue. I'm going to be perfectly honest. I'm probably going to have to take a psychedelic to even grasp what you're talking about lmao. I get it intellectually to a certain extent because of the things Leo talks about and what this forum discusses but... I mean you said it yourself... it sounds weird without reference experience lol. But I will say that I really like the cloud metaphor.

wait... what?!?!?! you can eat candle wax in large quantities??? and even if you could, wouldn't it taste weird?? I'm sorry, I'm just really confused lmao

Super unrelated but I was curious and I wanted to add up the number of posts I have from all of my journals and compare it to the number of posts I have in total. I have 638 (this post will be #639) posts in my journals. That number is a little higher than the actual number because I haven't subtracted other people's comments from those posts because I'm only mildly curious and don't care about doing this extensively lol. 639/1426= roughly 44.8% Interesting.... I know that percent is likely higher if we look at the last 4 months or so because I spend more of my time now in the journaling section whereas when I first joined I spent more time elsewhere on the forum actually commenting on things lol .

Sexuality Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages I remember talking about something similar in different threads a while back. Thankfully, I don't have too many posts on here and a large chunk of my posts are in my journals so it only took me a little digging to find those specific comments. Not trying to toot my own horn, just feeling lazy and don't want to write about things I've already written about in the past. I think out of all of the stages, blue tends to stick out as the odd one out because of the repression. I have more to say about sexuality at stage blue in particular but I want to put that in a different post so this doesn't get too long.

OMFG this unlocked a memory I didn't know I had. I remember people doing this lol. Yeah I remember there was a kid like that in my school as well. But I only saw the glue thing, not milk. There was also a thing there you would put a ton of glue on one of those school supply boxes, have it dry and then peel it off. Also, peeling off the little bit of glue that was on the glue tip was also really satisfying. The wax thing is also similarly satisfying. But I noticed that with soy wax candles, even when it dries, it has more of a buttery texture rather than a hard one that peels off super easily. It isn't the same but it is satisfying in it's own way. Soy wax candles also burn out really quickly because of the melting point. I bought a couple a couple weeks back and I noticed that those candles ran out much faster than my other candles. OH NO LMAO Ooooo That does sound nice though. Speaking of the whole hot-cold feeling, apparently a lot of people are also into experimenting with ice cubes. I tried to do that but I found it to be too cold and overwhelming. I guess a less intense way of doing it would be using mint/peppermint. Something I enjoy doing is having a few drops of peppermint oil onto soap before taking a shower and there is this really nice cold feeling that just makes you feel even fresher. I got this inspiration once when I used this mint face wash. It felt amazing.

Wax Play This is probably one of the weirdest things that I want to try out tbh. Ok, first I have a little back story. When I was in the 5th grade, I had a teacher who loved to burn scented candles in her classroom. She told one of the kids to blow out the candle because it's been burning for a while. So this kid blows out the candle and dips his fingers into the candle wax after it cooled down for a few seconds. I was looking at this in horror because in my mind I was like *wouldn't that hurt?!?!?!?* But clearly this kid wasn't hurt at all and instead thought the wax that hardened on his fingers looked interesting in a really gross way. He eventually convinced me to do the same. It's an interesting sensation. It feels really warm, then it gets all gooey/waxy, and then it hardens right away. Fast forward to college, Basically, dipping my fingers into hot wax after blowing out candles became a weird habit of mine. My roommate caught me in the act once and naturally was like *what the actual fuck.* I explained the whole scenario to her and was like *I know this looks weird/gross but it's an interesting sensation, you should try it.* I didn't think much of it. Then my roommate was told me how this reminds her of a BDSM thing. Naturally, I was like "Wtf!?!?! Explain." Because up until now, I didn't see this as sexual nor could I think of anything sexual you could do with candle wax. So then, she explained to me what wax play was. It's a type of temperature play where a person gets a candle and then drips the wax onto their partner's body. Some people also use candles with different colors to paint cool designs as well (but you have to be really careful about colored candles as it can interfere with the temperature). You also have to be careful of what kind of wax the candle is made out of because of the temperature. Some waxes burn at higher temperatures and those should be avoided unless you want to burn yourself. Soy wax candles are the safest. Paraffin candles are also safe but they tend to be hotter (so if you're into something more intense you should go with that one instead of soy). But definitely avoid beeswax candles. Also, you need to prep for things like clean up since this can get messy. I want to try this. I still mainly see this as a sensual thing rather than a sexual one. I can imagine it feeling nice but I don't see myself getting off to it at all. Hot wax feels nice but it just isn't sexy to me especially when you take clean up into consideration. I mean, I went almost a decade not connecting sex and candle wax together until someone explained that it was in fact a thing. Basically, I look at this and I'm like *hmmm... interesting.*

The tiktok algorithm chose violence today. I feel personally attacked and just called out in the most detailed way possible. I hate it here. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRdjAH2p/

Also I just remembered this thing that my roommate showed me. I love the way the boobs were animated to dodge the bullet (1:20). Like this shit doesnt make any sense at all lmaooo. Boobs just straight up defy physics in anime. To me, as someone who has larger boobs, to me it's even funnier because I'm really aware on how it just doesn't work like that ???? As problematic as the male gaze can be, there is some shit you cant even be offended by because it's so bizarre it's actually hilarious that a person had to sit down and dedicate their time to create this.

Being Written by a Man There are a bunch of people making fun of the way men write women and how distorted and sexualized the writing is. This is like my favorite thing at the moment because some of this shit is so absurd and unrealistic. These videos made my titties smile. It almost made me forget about my haunted vagina lmaooo ???

@Raphael I'm glad you're getting something valuable out of this

Oral Fixation And today I'm going to talk about the variety of things I have in mind lol. This is in no particular order. 1. The whole cigarette thing: I already did a whole post a couple weeks ago. Like it in theory but definitely not in practice. When I was asexual, my focus was more on the aesthetic of the smoke itself but I feel like now my focus is more about people putting things in their mouths and wrapping their lips around it. 2. Having your partner feed you fruits or chocolate: This is one of those things that's really cliche, border line obnoxious, romantic things I always thought was cute. But I feel like ever since I stopped identifying as asexual, even though I still think this is cute, I also think it's kind of hot. Just the idea of someone putting things in my mouth while I'm in his arms and he is making eye contact with me is a turn on. Also, experimenting with food is something that I'm open to trying. 3. Having him put his finger in your mouth: I feel like it would give him a nice preview of what I can do and what's to come. I also feel like it's a dominance thing as well. Again, eye contact is important. Thought it was kind of weird when I was asexual but here I am lol. 4. Him tracing his fingers on my lips or him playing with my lips: Don't feel like I need much elaboration on that one. 5. Gently biting while making out or leaving marks: I guess the first thing that comes to mind is hickies. I also like anything that involves stimulation from the shoulders up so basically this combines two things for me. Another thing that comes to mind is leaving lipstick marks. I think there is an element of playful possessiveness. I like the element of possessiveness in physical affection but not so much in the overall relationship dynamic. 6. Giving head: This is one of those things that not only did I think was weird when I was asexual, but it actually felt gross. And even now, if I think too hard about it, I turn myself off lol. I also have some anxiety around this because like... what if he smells or taste weird? Would I even like the taste of standard dick? Is this one of those things like the cigarette thing which I like in theory but not in practice? Idk man. I think my other thing is that I don't fantasize about this period. The thing that actually turns me on more is making eye contact and being on my knees. 7. The pocky game: Honestly, I think its is more of my inner weeb talking rather than the oral fixation.

I also have a friend whose younger brother's idea of fun is out smarting people who make a bunch of scam calls. He likes to mess with their head because to him the scamming tactics are so blatant and obvious it's comical to him. He especially likes pointing out the holes in the scammer's logic and watch them stutter and get all freaked out because someone saw right through them and it's super awkward for the scammer.

My cousin got a text from a relative and the text said something along the lines of how he was stranded somewhere and there was some emergency and how he needed a couple of thousand dollars. My cousin sent the money, no questions asked. Turns out his relative's account got hacked and the hacker was sending everyone that message. My thing is... if there was a situation like that, my first thought would be to pause, call this relative to check in on what was happening, and then take additional action (especially when we're talking about that kind of money). A simple phone call would have been enough to verify what was going on. The whole thing was a major face palm moment and my other younger cousins and I wanted to make fun of him but the poor guy got depressed for a week and was really ashamed of himself for being an idiot.

I agree, it is different for everyone because everyone has different nutritional and psychological needs. I feel that to really eat healthy you need to find healthy food you actually like, find the right amount of certain nutrients/ food groups that are good for you, identify any food sensitivities you might have by feeling into your body, and have a good relationship with food where you aren't neurotic about it.

If you eat healthy for a while and then try to eat something super greasy and/or high in sugar, you're going to be grossed out (kind of like if you're a nonsmoker and you are around people who smoke). But if you eat that kind of food constantly, you're just going to be used to the over stimulation and it will be normal for you. That over stimulation of your tastebuds can feel nice but it can get addictive.

@Raphael LMAO I mean, no judgement, you were just really upfront. It's valid I get where you're coming from

What Does it Mean to be a MILF Ok this is going to be a very weird post because I've had a couple of very weird interactions. In the past 2 weeks, I've had 3 different teenage girls (ages ranging from 17 to 19, I work with two of them at a store and the third one is my friend) call me a MILF. In all of the times I started laughing and was like wtf because I'm pretty sure I'm too young to be a MILF. And whenever I told them that they were like "no, but you're spiritually a MILF" and then they said they were half joking. Like... wtf does that even mean lol. I know it's not that serious but the fact that this happened 3 times, whenever my mind wanders, sometimes it goes to this place where it's just like "what does it mean to be a MILF?" This also reminds me on how my friends and I basically made daddy into a meme years ago. Like we would jokingly call each other daddy and it was basically short hand for someone who was assertive, out there, and didn't take shit. Again, we were half joking. At this point, if a guy asks me to call him daddy, there is a good chance that I'm going to burst out laughing and the poor guy will have his ego hurt and might feel kink shamed and then I'm going to be laying there like *wait... were you serious?* and then I might just continue laughing. I think now instead of daddy, mommy and MILF caught on. I think my interpretation of MILF energy is similar to being the cool aunt. It's someone who has a maternal vibe but it doesn't come out in a traditionally maternal way. I know when it comes to me, I do care and people see me as someone they can go to for advice and emotional support but I'm not super nurturing in these instances. And I'm hot so there is that. Over all, it's a compliment lol. But yeah, this is something that has been on my mind. I thought I'd talk about something a little more lighthearted because my last few posts were rather intense and had a lot to unpack personally. I guess I'm going to close this with, fellas, what do you think is MILF energy? ???

I talked to a professional astrologer today. I felt personally attacked by the reading. Everyone is gangster until the astrologer lady who has never met you spells out all of your childhood trauma and how it affects you today as well as psychoanalyze your parents.

Also complete unrelated side note: I love how I refer to my friends in my journal entries as if I have a lot of them when in reality I'm talking about the same 3 people 90 percent of the time and in the other 10 percent of the time I'm talking about a random acquaintance I had years ago.

Environment and Life Style Sometimes I catch myself going into these spirals of how I feel like I'm too ugly on the inside and outside to date and find a relationship. But then I'm like.... nah girl you ain't ugly, you have been stuck in the house since March 2020 and literally haven't had an interaction with a male your age since then. Stop throwing a pity party. Then I started thinking about how a lot of my friends are also in a similar boat where they are absolutely gorgeous inside and out but are also forever alone. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are homebodies that dont go out that often mainly because we're overworked and at the end of the day or week, we dont have the energy to go out and party and instead we spend the time doing a hobby or binging on a show we found. Most of my close friends are generally low key and try to mind their business and take care of their shit. Also, most of us dont drink so it's very unlikely that one of us is going to be like "let's go to a bar and get drinks." I'm not trying to say that there is anything wrong with that life style but what I'm saying is that we arent exposed to as many people and we tend to hang out with our own close knit groups and cultivate those friendships when we get the chance. I had two roommates. One was a girl who was going out super regularly (to the point where I basically had a single dorm) and she had a relatively low pressure major so she didnt have as much school stress or financial stress hanging over at all times. The second girl had a really high pressure major and had to balance two jobs to afford going to college and didnt go out anywhere more than once a month. Guess who was getting more dates, numbers etc. Both of these girls are equally beautiful and were amazing to be around and what I'm trying to say is that looks/personality weren't the factors at play in their differences in dating lives. I also think about my environment growing up. I live in a small town and went to an even smaller private school because that was the best option for me educationally. There werent that many guys there period. Then in high school, I went to another nerd school lol, but I would say roughly 65 out of the 100 people in my grade were other girls and whenever people did date, they'd have to really go out of their way to meet people outside of school because you just didnt have many options. College has been a disaster because of this pandemic so theres that. Also demographics play a role too. I had a friend who went to school in a predominantly white, conservative, wealthy area. And as a woman of color, she was always bullied for her features and called ugly. But the moment she left that area and went somewhere more diverse and progressive, suddenly a bunch of people were showing interest in her and she also had better options. And finally you have living in a conservative brown family. I'd rather honestly die before having my parents find out that I talk to men or worse, have them meet the person I'm dating. And growing up I was basically like, ehh... I have too much on my plate already, I don't want to add sneaking around for a mediocre man to the list. Like it's not worth the hassle. So basically at the end of the day... I cant really complain tbh.

Yeah I found that happening at one point where I started getting attached to detachment and started developing a spiritual ego. Since then I decided that I was going to take a break from spiritual content and spirituality as a whole because I was basically picking at old wounds and I was using detachment as a way to avoid dealing with my needs. It can which is why I've been focusing more on self acceptance rather than just trying to fix things and change myself as my approach to development. But I also think me acknowledging my need for healing and a sense of gentleness is also really important instead of bypassing it. A lot of times, me desire to heal has come from a place of wanting to give myself a sense of peace rather than from a place of self deprecation. I also try to take breaks from this work so that it doesnt go towards that direction. I think a lot of that comes from the whole conversation about life during and after abuse and difficult situations. A lot of people write you off as dysfunctional, neurotic, or just plain crazy when you tell them what happened and how it's affecting you. Some of it is fair dont get me wrong. You need to confront and see unhealthy coping mechanisms for what they are. But sometimes it can interfere with the empathy you give yourself or the empathy others give to you because the line between judgement and discernment can get foggy at times. Because things like anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, they dont make a person toxic on it's own and those issues are perfectly valid and reasonable responses to the situation at hand. If they are reasonable responses, they arent something you have to fix in the sense that you have to get over them. Rather it's important to come from a place of acceptance and as a result it fixes itself. It really depends on the situation at hand. And yes, wholeness is our default state. But sometimes we can stray from that for whatever reasons. Sometimes it's unnecessary self judgement from being to critical of yourself and sometimes it's the surrounding environment and traumatic events. How you approach getting back to that default state is going to depend on what's causing you to be out of alignment in the first place.

Another side note because I'm coming up with new things and I'm realizing that I didnt think my main post through before writing: I think focusing on self development/mental health, school, friends, in that order has helped me stay out of trouble and over all has had a positive impact on my life. I just think that on the way there, because of things like my family circumstance, my school system, and over all economic pressure to perform, I developed some hang ups and limiting beliefs on the importance of romantic relationships and figuring out what I'm into. While I do have some idea as to what I want and what I'm willing to tolerate, I guess I'm trying to get to a place where I dont down play this thing and write it off as something an unneccessary waste of time.