soos_mite_ah

How the Passage of Time In Adulthood is Fucking Me Up The best way to describe it is that the days feel long, the weeks and months feel short, but the year feels long. The days feel long because my current job isn't something that interests me a whole lot and I feel like Sisyphous rolling a boulder up a hill. The weeks and months feel short because I do have actual things I need to be doing and when you're productive, time feels like it's going by fast. But also, since I don't have things like spring break, summer vacation, winter/ Christmas break, Thanksgiving break, time kind of feels like a blob because I don't have the breaks to segment parts of my year out and sometimes I feel like I don't have much that I'm counting down towards. I also catch myself feeling kind of angsty since I haven't been taking my PTO and whenever the time comes when I'm supposed to have a break, I have this visceral feeling that I'm not supposed to be working and instead I'm supposed to be hanging out and relaxing. It manifests as a sense of irritability with anti capitalist angst along with feelings of acute burn out. My yearly rhythms of 9-5 life hasn't adjusted in my head. The months and the weeks going by fast also gives me an existential crisis because it's like I blink and the month is over and next thing I know I'm questioning what I've been doing with my life and my time since it all feels like a blur. The year feels really long. I think part of it is the acute burn out due to the lack of breaks. Also, I guess things feel like a blob because when you're in school, there is a linear and segmented process of progression that you get from moving from one grade to another which isn't really a thing in the real world. I know that we're all on our different time table and some people are in seasons where a million things are going on in their lives and there are a lot of changes at once while for others, it kind of feels like a period of stagnation even though they are still growing. I would characterize it as the difference between the flowers in your garden blooming all at once in the spring, harvesting new crops in different weeks in fall, or weathering one storm after another during the winter compared to toiling away in the summer as you tend your fields where even though you know that your crops are growing below the surface and in time they will produce, you're just not seeing any of it now and the days feel long and hot. I suppose mid 2022 to 2023 was my spring. Prior to that I had a rough time in high school and college which I would characterize as the winter. From May 2022 to December 2023, I feel like I was growing a lot, having a lot of new experiences bloom, and I was enjoying the beautiful life and garden I have created for myself. I guess that makes 2024 my summer. It feels long and drawn out. Sure it's hot and unpleasant at times like winter, but it isn't as volatile as the storms during the winter so that's good. Other times, it feels soothing, like cat sleeping in a ray of sun. Nevertheless, it feels foreign to me since I'm super familiar with winter since much of my life felt like that, cold, volatile, and always in survival mode with a million thing happening at once. Sure the monotony and the heat isn't fun, but there is more stability and a sense of warmth in summer. I wouldn't say that I'm someone who is bored of ths stability because I've been subjected to chaos my whole life (I dealt with that a little in 2023 but have since normalized this sense of stability and new base line for my quality of life). I'm just not used to the long days and heat which I guess messes with my sense of time.

Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism I watched Office Space and despite the fact that the movie was made 25 years ago, I found myself relating to it on an individual level in my day to day life (you know.... minus the white collar crime part) but I felt like I didn't relate to the narrative completely since it's from a different cultural context. Lets run down a list shall we....: Boring stable office job that lets me pay my bills: Check Monotony of daily life that gives me a Sisyphean existential crisis: Check Corporate being annoying and seemingly pointless: Check The ability to buy a house in a few years and not be burdened with student loan debt: Check not because of my job but because I grew up economically priviledged A broader sense of stability on a collective level that can justify capitalism: Hell No A sense that this office job is the worst thing in my life: No While I get not being super happy about a boring corporate job, I just couldn't relate to the main character in Office Space being like *everyday is the worst day of my life at this job* sentiment. I think it's because I live in 2024 and some semblence of stability feels comforting, even if it is largely unfulfilling. But I can imagine this driving you nuts if you're a white guy in the 90s where there it monotony all around you and not just at work. I sometimes find people online either romanticizing 90s corporate culture or making fun of the movies in this era. The romanticization comes from the fact that it's rough out here and that a college degree or typical office job won't get you the middle class lifestyle you grew up with in the 80s, 90s, and 00s. Like you know what, maybe a boring office job that pays my bills and lets me get a house in the suburbs would be nice buuuutttt noooo instead we have the gig economy and rent is averaging at $2000 a month and many people have to pick up a side hustle to keep themselves afloat. And I've seen videos of people making fun of the cubicle movies where people are like *Hi, my name is Bob and the worst thing in my life is that I rot in a cubicle and that I have a boring life in the suburbs.* Like damn, first world problems much lol? Things have gone to shit to where 35 years later, we're romanticizing Homer Simpson's life as aspirational even though he was created to be the butt of the joke and someone you don't want to be (like imagine being able to own a house, care for a family of 6 including your aging parent, all under a single income at the power plant factory, must be nice in 2024), Sure the monotony gets to me sometimes and the passage of time where the days feel long but the weeks and months feel short gives me an existential crisis, but honestly, I'm doing much better than a lot of people. Honestly a boring corporate job that doesn't over work you and you can confortably afford your life style is a dream for most people nowadays. I can't stand my job sometimes but I would be a fool to take it for granted and do something stupid and act like a white man in a cubicle movie. I might be living a 1999 life but there's no denying that it's 2024 and the stakes are very different. But while I'm grateful, I'm not naive to think that this is something everyone deserves. Definitely everyone deserves reasonable working hours, a fair wage, and general peace of mind but I'm talking about the monotony, aimlessness, busy work, and pointlessness of office life. I also think it's important to remember this quote from Innuendo Studios. "It was the neoliberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so long as the right people are in charge....The neoliberal dream did come true once and we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it." The answer isn't to put up and shut up, throw up my hands and say that this is the best that things can get. But it feels a different kind of bad to sometimes say this out loud because things are so much worse for other people. And I know it's also not the answer conflate the bad of an office job and terrible of the gig economy and struggling with inflation are the same thing or that bad is preferable to terrible. There is better out there and constantly looking back isn't going to get us anywhere because the past got us to where we are today. Idk, I guess I'm trying to convey that I feel in conflict because my personal experience doesn't match with what I'm seeing collectively. I feel a good amount of dissonance when I'm just trying to do my job that I have the privilege of having despite the world around me going up in the flames of late stage capitalism. I feel like I have to cut myself out from a piece of humanity, the piece that relates to the existential dread of the common man, the piece that empathizes with the tragedies going on and the social movements gaining momentum, for a moment so that I can do my job and pay my bills that I'm fortunate to have mAxIMIze ShaREhOlDer vALue. That's some bullshit! I would say this type of cutting yourself from your own humanity feels different from the 90s version where it's like *bEeP bOP BoOp I am a machine with no personality meant to do everything in the most efficient matter and fall into a mechanical monotony and waste 30 years of my life in a job I hate.* I think this sentiment comes from a lack of individuality and the broader conformity to *the American dream* Rather, the 2024 version of cutting yourself from humanity I feel has more to do with the broader sense of isolation we have felt since COVID and the disappearance of third spaces, the lonliness epidemic, worker exploitation of minimum wage and gig workers, and the notion that we have to keep working and maintain a professional front even when everything is falling apart around us. Rather than a lack of individuality and the expectation of conformity, there is more of an emphasis of lack of community, hyper individualism, and having to cut your empathy off in the fact of your other fellow suffering humans to take care of personal tasks to maintain your survival. While individuality was emphasized as a solution from the 90s monotony and collectivism was in some cases conflated with conformity, the opposite feels true in 2024 where collectivism and community building is seen as the solution and problem is the hyper invidualism of late stage capitalism. As I'm writing this out, I find myself thinking about how my personal experiences fall in line with this book I'm reading about The Four Turnings. It discusses history, particularly American history in a cyclical fashion rather than a linear one. It breaks down a period of time that is as long as a long human life, roughly 80 years, called a scelum. And within these 80 or so years, there are four phases, the High, Awakening, Unravelling, Crisis, which corresponds with the seasons Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. Here is a brief summary of that in the video below: Here is another still brief but much more detailed summary that goes into the specific seasons and the generations associated with it: I'm not going to repeat too much of what's in these videos but provide enough to have somewhat of a bridge of what I'm experiencing and the theory. Crisis are times when institutions fall apart and shit goes down. This creates more of a need for teamwork and collectivism to face up to challenges that are larger than ourselves. Eventually, the Crisis phase reaches a resolution which then brings in the High. During the High, new institutions are created (think post- WWII new world order), people are the most collectivistic (1950s suburbia), and things are considerably more chill (the GI generation coming back from war and creating the Boomer generation). People are unified, more equal than in the past, and things feel utopian (America encountered an amazing standard of living at this time). However, while the High is utopian for some, it isn't for many people (contrast the idyllic stereotypical 1950s life to what women, POC, and gay people were experiencing at the time) which then leads to an Awakening. After dealing with a 20 year high period, there are people who start to notice the limitations of it, thus leading to the Awakening where people begin to question the institutions set up during the Crisis that were fortified in the High (Civil Rights Movement, Hippie Counter Culture, Free Love etc.). Because peopel are questioning and realizing things, Awakenings can be quite a chaotic time as people begin moving away from the communities and towards more individual self expression. After the realizations of the Awakenings settle in a little bit and weaken the institutions set up in the past, we go into the Unravelling stage where individualism is increasing and leads to it's zenith in the scelum. Things aren't what they used to be in the High and there is a cynical and apathetic vibe to the time. Eventually, shit continues to get bad until we reach the next crisis phase where it feels like things are falling apart around us and we need to find new ways of doing things. The new institutions that emerge in the end of the crisis mirrors the realizations and conclusions of the Awakening. The Crisis usually starts with an economic catalyst (Panic of 1857, Great Depression in 1929, Great Recession 2008), followed by the Regeneracy where people get ideological and polarized in response to the crisis, and then there are numerous shocks (pandemic, international conflicts, internal political instability) which then leads to the mother of all shocks, the Climax (Revolutionary War, Civil War, WWII). The Climax is usually in the form of a war either internally or with a foreign adversary and it forces people to come together after the polarization. And then the cycle repeats. The image below summarizes the mood and zeitgeist of each of the turnings: I want to focus on the social norms section of this chart. Boomers became adults in the Awakening phase (Individualism Rising) and Gen X came of age in the Unravelling (Individualism Maximum). Millennials are coming of age in the Crisis (Community Rising). It's also important to note that Millennnials in this framwork are defined as kids who were born during the Unravelling phase so like 1984 to 2004. Colloquially, the Pew Research puts the ranges of Millennials as 1980-1995 and Gen Z as 1996 to 2008. So while I colloquially call my self a zoomer in my other posts, according to this framework, I'm a Millennial which is fine because generational year divisions are often arbritrary and require some context for discussion. Basically: High: Collectivism Max / Peace but optimistic : D YAY I can support my family of 4 on a single income and buy a house in the suburbs and everyone seems to be living in little boxes in peace. Thank god the war's over) Awakening: Individualism / Chaos but optimistic >:D YAY rebellion, I'm passionate about my causes, I don't give af, and I want to express myself. FREE LOVE FUCKERS! I'LL NEVER BE SQUARE! Unravelling: Individualism / Peace but pessimistic T-T I still care about individual expression but I'm reacting more negatively towards the bland ideal set in the high. FUCK THIS BORING SHIT! Crisis: Collectivism Rising / Chaos but pessimistic :___(( Mom come pick me up, I'm scared. I just want a sense of peace of mind, some friends, and never hear the word unprecidented again in my life. Another thing that the books on the Four Turnings discusses is how the zeigist of the time isn't necessarily defined by the events during that time period rather it is a cycle of how we interpret events and innovations. The internet and computers for example came up in a time when we were more individualistic and it was seen as a good thing. The Macintosh 1984 ad is a good example of how computers were seen as a way to break from conformity in a very positive sense. But now as individualism is starting to feel stifling, so is the way that the technology is structured and we're trying to find more ways of integrating it with a sense of community. In this Apple ad, they tried to use the same concept of destruction being a segway into innovation as the 1984 ad, but here it comes off as dystopian because while the initial intent is to show *look at all the cool things that are in this singular thin iPad* it comes across as *we're crushing society and collective culture into one individual homogenous thing with no character* In conclusion, I think, in my current life situation, it makes sense that while I have the same kind of monotony and peace that was common in the zeigeist of the 90s but I'm interpreting it differently because I'm experiencing this monotony and peace during a Crisis era instead of the Unravelling era.

Feeling 17 I have talked in past posts about how I didn't quite feel like an adult despite being an adult in tangible ways and how I instead felt like a 20 something teenage girl. I feel like 24 so far has been me solidifying the view of myself as a capable adult. It started with me thinking about how 24 felt like a big age just before my birthday but also how I had faith that I'll grow into growing up. I also think just me having to live on my own and pay my own bills contributed to a greater sense of autonomy and self efficacy. Next month I will be coming up on 1 year of me living by myself. I remember having many moments in the past from the ages of 20-23 where I still felt like I was 17. I remembered stopping and thinking that in various occations and I came to the conclusion that the feeling I was describing as "feeling 17" was this notion of me encountering new adult situations that I do have the tools to tackle but I don't have the life experience to navigate. Because when you're 17, you aren't a child any more and you can think critically and are navigating more complex topics, emotions, and situations, but at the same time you aren't old enough to fully navigate these situations effectively since you don't have history and hindsight to help you out. I talked about this with my dad as well and he told me that even well into his adulthood in his 40s, 50s, and even 60s, there were moments where he felt 17. Some of these moments include when I was born and was growing up, when my grandmother (his mother) passed away, and even planning for his retirement. He was encountering something new that he had the tools to handle, but it was still a challenge to navigate due to his lack of life experience right at that time. Basically, I had a lot of moments where I thought to myself on how I felt 17 but I knew damn well that I'm not actually 17 when I'm faced with a conversation with at 17 year old. However, now, at 24, I feel like I don't have the same "feeling like I'm 17" experience. I feel like I have grown into growing up in a lot of ways. I think I have done the inner work to realize that adulthood in my generation, doesn't really look like the adulthood of my parents' generation. And instead of seeing this idealized image of an adultier- adulthood way back when a 24 year old could afford a wedding, a family of 4, and a house quite easily and thinking that I'm so far behind, causing me to fall into a spiral of self infantilization, I feel secure in my adulthood even if I might not have all of the material signifiers of western adulthood. I think the video below is a good description of how I feel: Instead, I sometimes find myself wanting to feel 17 again. I guess part of it is the monotony of settling into any stage of life rather than the constant state of evolution you find in your formative years (roughly 15 to 25) as I find myself closer to the end of that range. I think another part of it is linked to the mild depression I had earlier this year about my career path which led me to unpacking a lot of self deprecation I experienced in the back of my mind due to the chip on my shoulder from my college experience. When I was 17, I felt like I could do anything. I can see how part of it is naive but the optimism for my future was nice. I was a straight A student with a charismatic personality who thought about things deeply and was really into self development. I remember feeling like I had all of the tools to do big things. I was an academic weapon who felt like I could get my foot in the door of most universities without really trying. I had an engaging enough personality, depth, and self awareness to where I felt like I could utilize my smarts in a unique and clever way that would propell me into success. And I was into self development in a way that made me feel like I was ahead of my peers in terms of healing trauma and avoiding common pitfalls. Looking back, I do thank my teenage self for providing the foundation for the person I am today. But I think the naiveity comes from how small my world was back then. I feel like I was smart and interesting relative to 110 of my peers in a small town in the suburbs of Dallas. Like I really was out here thinking that I had what it takes to go to a prestigious university, get into medical school or get into law school or become a high power career person in consulting or finance (or similarly glamorous career), travel the world, buy a house in my 20s, have a string of multiple romantic relationships and get married before 30, go viral on social media and create a following in something I found meaningful and well... do something impressive with my life. I didn't know what that impressive thing was nor did I know whether or not I wanted the stuff that I listed out before. The naiveity came from me projecting my successes as a teenager onto what I thought adulthood was going to be like despite the fact that I didn't know how the adult world was going to consist of since at 17, I didn't have experience with the adult world. I sure as hell didn't know what adulthood was going to look like post pandemic and the chaos of the world I would have to navigate. I had a series of events that caused this view of myself as this person who was capable of anything challenged. The first was the colleges I didn't get accepted to. The second was me academically struggling during my 1st year due to my mental health. And the third was the pandemic and it's affects. Basically, starting from the college acceptances all the way to graduation, I was humbled, and not in a good way. I remember starting the application process with a sense of wonder of where I would end up and what I could become. By the time college graduation and the time to apply for jobs came around, that sense of wonder was replaced with fear and economic anxiety. That person who thought she could do anything back in September 2017 when she was touring colleges was replaced with a person who felt like she's not going to amount to much in this lifetime in December 2022. While I do feel like I have recovered from this to a certain extent, I still miss that naive sense of confidence and innocent self importance. I think I am doing better now that I have recovered from my mild depression/ existential crisis and that I have a taste of what corporate life is actually like (and realizing that I'm more capable than I originally thought fresh out of graduation). But I still feel like I can't quite replicate that naive sense of confidence and innocent self importance. I think in a way, I feel like I'm too aware of my short comings due to my past while also being too aware of all of the talent and privilege that is actually out there in the world due to me getting exposed to the world outside of my small town. I feel like I can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, which makes me desire this aspect of feeling 17 even more. On top of the naive sense of confidence on the individual level, I think part of me also mourns what I thought adult life was going to look like at 17. My views of adulthood consisted of the pre-pandemic world and influenced by the feeling of the Obama administration (also, inflation who?). Trump and the craziness of 2016 felt like an anomaly back then as my teachers would urge us to pay attention to the news because this will be history, not the norm that it has solidified to in 2024 where we roll our eyes whenever we hear the word "unprecendented." Also at 17, I was not aware on how capitalism was fucking everything up and I still had girl boss day dreams. While I never got emersed in rom coms, I do feel like shades of my view of adulthood was influenced by the media in the 2000s. This video summarize things well: The sections I want to emphasize for this post are the following: 12:10-15:22 An Economically Chaotic Match 18:14-27:01 The Romcom's Relationship With Money 31:30- 36:05 Your Job: The One True Love Of Capitalism 46:48- 50:48 Congratulations, Life Ends At 30! While the video "Millennial Women May Never Recover From The Rom Com" and the video I linked before it. "Why Slow-Adulting is a Good Thing" mainly focuses on well... the Millennial generation, I feel like as part of the older part of Gen Z I still relate to it. While Millennials had the 2008 recession disrupting their expectations adulthood and the timeline of various adult milestones, for Gen Z, it was the pandemic. I don't know what will be said about my generation in 10-15 years and I'm sure I'll relate to that more since it would be more directly pointed to my experience. But until then, this is what I'm working with in terms of relatability. I think the main difference is that the expectation of adulthood vs the reality was more of a rude awakening for Millennials since they remember the 90s and how stable and prosperous it was. So as a result, the whole notion that your generation isn't going to have the same standard of living as their parents and that this is the first American generation in a while where this is the case, is pretty jarring because of all the false promises that were made to Millennials. I think for Gen Z on the other hand, where most of us don't remember a pre 9/11 world and where adults arguing about the economy and health care circa 2011 was the back drop of our childhood, we didn't have a rude awakening rather we didn't have the chance to sleep. I do remember as a teenager occationally watching some of these rom coms in question and thinking they were wildly out step from reality in 2016 even though back when they were made they were closerto (but still aspirational) the realities of a 20 something in the 90s. I think for me, I didn't have the lie that said *get any college degree from anywhere and you'll be set for life* but I did get the lie of *you need to work your tail off to get into an amazing school and get a practical degree that is practical enough to where you can get a job but not so much so that you're only doing it for the money and you'll be set.* In other words, there was this notion that the older generation was pointing to our older millennial siblings and saying *you'll be fine so long as you don't buy avocado toast and you get a degree in something other than music from a good insitution.* Instead of acknowledging the systemic factors of why Millennials were struggling, we were told to simply make different decisions on an individual level. However, I see how using individual decisions to systemic issues that are larger than ourselves doesn't adequetly address the issues around us. We can't all be software engineers (hello, tech lay offs). I see the individualistic way of addressing the pitfalls the Millennials ended up in fall apart in this post pandemic world, where even some of my friends who got more pratical degree struggled to get a job in some situations because they were applying to hundreds of jobs on LinkedIn and many of them were probably phantom job posts. Sure, there are times where I sit and think about how I should have done more with my life, but rather than feeling like a blob of wasted potential, I can realize that I have done everything in my power and that even though I'm not living my dreams, I'm still living a decent life considering the chaos around me. I'm doing what I can and what I can is enough but I know that there is only so much that can be done in the face of systemic issues and chaotic / unpredictable events. As a result, while I think what older Gen Z is getting a more intense version of what Millennials have gone through in terms of generational wealth hoarding and late stage capitalism, I think in some ways it feels less surprising and jarring because there was always some form of chaos in the background growing up and this notion that you have to work your tail off which tampered expectation to a certain extent while shades of those expectations still remain. To tie this in with how it relates to feeling 17 (in 2017), I think feeling 17 and the naive confidence that comes with it also corresponds with the lie that your individual choices will prevail even systemic hurdles and unpredicatble life circumstances. And a lot of it is because 17 year old me wasn't aware of the full extent of systemic economic issues her generation would encounter and lord knows that she couldn't have predicted something like a pandemic hitting her and transforming the world. 17 year old me would be shocked to hear this because at the time she thought things were as crazy as it can get, but 2017 really feels like a simplier time considering the shit show that is happening now.

Therapy Notes 1: Gambling I started talking about this topic in therapy after a long awaited amount of time. For this session, we mainly focussed on the difficulties of parenthood and why I'm against having a kid. In our next session, we'll delve more deeply into why I'm for having a kid but that is something that is yet to be seen. I addressed many of my concerns in this therapy session. These included my fears around pregnancy, labor, postpartum, and how delicate raising a baby is and how on top of that is physically exhausting. We also talked about changing relationship dynamics, the chance I marry a guy who wouldn't help out at home much, the isolation around motherhood and the struggles many women have with losing their identity because they no longer have time to take care of themselves or engage in hobbies and while many women love their children, they don't enjoy motherhood. And finally, we talked about the chaos of the world around us, climate change, school shootings, and affording a good quality of life and education for the kid. A lot of it came down to the notion of *will I be able to handle X if I have a kid?* Will I be able to handle an event where my child is severely disable? Will I be to handle an event where the father doesn't contribute much to the household? Will I be able to handle the stressors of being a mother and being on 24/7? Will I be able to handle the health issues that comes with pregancy and giving birth? Will I be able to handle postpartum? And while it's good to have these scenarios as a possibility so that you don't look at becoming a mother in rose toned glasses, you're aware of the red flags that are present in potential partners, and you are mentally prepared of the various ways parenthood can test you, I don't think it's entirely healthy to focus on the negative aspects. You can be aware of them, but you don't need to be lazer focused on them. I feel like for me personally, I should probably step back from social media just a smidge when it comes to these types of content because while it's good to have some anecdotal evidence, just because something happened to someone, doesn't mean you will have the exact same experience. And I don't think it's entirely healthy to anxiously come up with future possibilities, scenarios, and how to react to them over being able to be present and tap into how you feel about a situation now. We'll cross the bridge when we get there. Speaking of crossing bridges when we get there, I think a lot of these doubts also has to do with doubt I have in my own ability to respond. Sure, I'm not ready now. But I have still a good 8+ years left to grow into the person who is able to deal with these types of situations and have the emotional regulation skills to take care of myself and respond to my parenting responsibilities accordingly. Then there are my anxieties around choosing the right partner. I understand that having a kid can change the dynamic of the relationship and that there are guys who say they really REALLY REALLY want to have a kid and that they'll step up and take responsibility but once the kid gets here, you're pretty much on your own. It's similar to how kids talk about wanting a pet and how they swear they'll take responsibility for it but then the parent gets stuck having to clean up after the pet, taking them on walks etc. And while there is a risk that your partner can switch up on you, I think there are some warning signs that you can clock early on to avoid getting into this situation. Some of it involves how much he pitches in on domestic chores and how regularly, to what extent he can grasp the responsibility around having a kid, his attitude around household labor, the way he has interpreted his family dynamics and dynamics of the families in his community, his reasoning why he wants a kid, and his over all competency around being a good partner such as being able to communicate, take accountibility, be gentle etc. And I guess since I do have a track record of having good relationships whether it be platonic or romantic, I do have faith in myself to be able to choose well. Then again, I'm so cocky to think that just because I'm generally well thought out and fortunate in this aspect that shit can't happen to me and I wouldn't ever be dealt a bad hand. But I do think that having a really good partner (and a village to a certain extent) is essential to navigating parenthood and having a more equitable division of labor and involvement in raising the kid. Speaking of the village, that's another thing that worries me. It's a chaotic world out there. And while I don't think it's wise to bubble wrap the kid and sheild them from what's happening, I do want my kid to grow up in a good environment. I understand that there is only so much I can control on my end in raising a child well and that there are tons of unknown variables in school, broader society, entertainment, etc. I know there is a chance that my kid can fall on the wrong path and really fuck up their life and not have it be my fault. You can do everything right and still have your kid turn into an ass because they are their own person. I will also say, I do think it's a good sign that I'm putting this much thought and work into seeing if this is a good choice for me. I remember being like this prior to getting into a relationship. While I was a little spiky and on guard when dating, it did save me from a lot of questionable situations and it did ultimately lead to me choosing well and being considerably more chill about it. And I can see the same detail oriented tendency come in when it comes to deciding to be a parent and with who as well. I do think I need to trust myself more lol. I have build a good life for myself. I'm healthy and self aware. I have dealt with difficult things before. And I have good people around me becuase I choose/ attract good people and I'm good at maintaining healthy relationships. That all points to something, right ?! I guess after writing all of this out, motherhood feels like a gamble. Will I have the resources and capability to handle what is being thrown at me and / or will I grow into being that person? Will I have a good spouse and support system to help me raise the kid? What about the circumstances outside my control that can greatly impact the outcome of how my child grows into a person? There is a chance that all of this can turn out well but there are also plenty of pitfalls along the way as well. I guess for me, it comes down to the degree of uncertainty I can tolerate to take a risk like this as well as how strong my desire to have a kid as well. I know in this session I focused on the negatives but I do plan on exploring the other side of this more in a future session so I'm sure more entries are to come. Over all, I feel more balanced after talking about this with a therapist. I do think it was wise to step away from family and childfree related content on the internet so that the horror stories don't mess with my head and cloud my judgement too much. I felt like I was catastrophizing less and that I could point to parts of my life that indicated that I had the competence to be a parent in the future.

Material Things that Greatly Helped My Inner Work I know external solutions for internal problems aren't always helpful since they can be a way of bypassing a thing you're dealing with mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and that it can be the type of solution that just deals with the symptoms rather than the sickness. However, just because they aren't always helpful, doesn't mean that they are never helpful. Sometimes, I think it's just what is needed in a situation and that mentally processing it, emotionally working through difficult emotions, and spiritually trying to evolve and integrate only does so much. Sometimes, to silence the mental voice so that you can focus on other areas of life instead of having to keep something under wraps, you need the external solution. Here are some of those instances I saw manifest in my life. Getting contacts after wearing glasses growing up: I was always a little self conscious of what I looked like in glasses. Even though I eventually learned to love myself, I found myself constantly body checking my face because I felt like I didn't know what I looked like without glasses and I had a feeling that I probably looked better without them. The reason why I didn't completely know what I looked like was because as soon as I took off my glasses, everything was a blur. Sure, I could also refer to pictures where I didn't have my glasses but the images always felt separate from me. Since I already did the work of accepting myself both with and without glasses, I would say that getting the contacts helped me stop the constant body checking and it didn't feel like I was covering up any insecurities. Having a job that pays well and doesn't stress me out too much: I feel like I have a lot of mental space and room to just breathe since I have this sense of stability. While I do think my job does give me a good amount of peace of mind, I still think that I would be still pretty mentally stable without it granted that I have a plan and money to hold me down until then. I say this to say that the things that were mentally messing with me, especially in a trauma and mental health sense, were things I was already actively working on well before this job through therapy, introspection and journalling, and self help. I already built a good foundation for peace of mind prior so again, my job isn't a bandaid solution, but sure does it help in the peace of mind category. I'm so fortunate to not deal with the constant stressor of trying to pay rent on time or budgetting to the cent. Don't get me wrong, budgetting and learning to manage your money is important but it's worth not having that fire on your ass all the time. Getting a boyfriend: I was working on myself and my relationships well before meeting my partner. And yes, you should work on yourself, learn to love yourself, and find happiness in yourself before even thinking of enterring a relationship with another person. But then there comes a point where you need the life experience of a healthy bond over the theory in order to continue healing and growing. Even though I wasn't in a perfect place in regards to self love and personal fulfillment prior to meeting my partner, I was in a good enough position to have a solid foundation for my life and sense of identity, the skills necessary to make a relationship healthy and functioning, and the foresight to know the common red flags. But also, materially knowing the green flags has been super helpful and I feel like I could have known this mainly from being in a healthy relationship where I feel self regulated. I also feel like my femcel monologue of wondering if I'll ever be enough for a relationship even though logically I know better and my constant touch starved thoughts have long since passed and I feel like I can focus and function lol. Moving out of my parent's house: Again, I have been doing the inner work of addressing my childhood trauma and processing the dysfunctional dynamics in my family but nothing has helped quite like just being independent from them and having my own place. Do I think just moving out alone would have helped me? No. If I moved out without ever having to go to therapy, I think it would've been more like me running away from my problems and trying to run away from my dysfunctional tendencies not knowing it would still follow me because I can't run away from myself. I honeslty wouldn't be much different from my parents. But I feel like since I did therapy and I did do the inner work, the external solution was able to do it's thing and help me maintain the inner work that I worked so hard to do. Going to the dermatologist + prescription skincare: I had a lot of skin issues growing up and I tried everything under the sun to help with my skin discolortion and acne. Eventually, I learned to accept myself, build confidence in a variety of ways, and I know that I'm still beautiful, lovable, worthy, all that jazz. It wasn't something that I felt like I always had to hide nor did I get depressed about the way I looked. But it still bothered me and took up a lot of mental space in the form of skincare / self care. Once I got better health insurance from my job, I went to the dermatologist, they gave me 2 things that worked well for my specific skin condition, and honestly after that I felt like I finally started seeing results and the mental chatter around skincare calmed all the way down. I didn't feel as suceptable to the consummerism and marketing around skincare and the annoyance around my skin in the back of my mind disappeared. It feels nice to be able to focus on other things. Having *that* conversation with my dad: *That* conversation refers to how I discussed how I actually felt about my family, cutting myself off from people, and what to do going forward especially in the event that my father passes away before my other family members do and I'm essentially stuck with them. I have worked on myself in therapy and contemplated this topic for YEARS. And while I did do a lot of work and healing, nothing gave me closure and financial peace of mind quite like that conversation. I'm glad I did this when I did and not do it prematurely because I feel like I had to do all of this work in order to reach a point where this external solution gave me this much peace of mind and ensured that I wasn't doing this to run away from my family situation. ***Stomach Liposuction: I haven't done this yet but I do think that it's an external solution in the same way the stuff above is in that it can help a lot with my mental chatter and neurosis because I have a good foundation of inner work to back it up. Besides my stomach, I am pretty content with my body and I can practice both body positivity and neutrality. I have a healthy relationship to both food and exercise for the most part and my weight has never had any crazy fluctuations. I have been going to therapy for my body image issues and I feel like I have mentally and emotionally analyzed it to death. I have also worked through most of my internalized fatphobia, educated myself on various issues, and addressed a lot of my internalized diet culture. But I feel like I keep hitting this wall with my stomach in the same way I felt like I was hitting a wall with my body checking prior to getting contacts, a wall with my self love around being single, a wall with my mental health while living with my parents' house, a wall with my skin issues, and a wall with my family relations prior to implementing the respective external solutions to put an end to my internal problems once and for all. I still have some hang ups regarding this because of how invasive it is, how I'm waiting for my frontal lobe to finish forming, and the cost. But I do genuinely think that I have put a lot of thought into this and that I'm not using this as a band aid to fix all of my problems. I just feel like this will give me a lot of peace of mind and calm down the last bit of persistent mental chatter.

Travel around for a little bit (like a couple years or so) Buy a house and/or apartment in a walkable city potentially raise a kid if I decide to do so after getting married pursue higher education get a better career help friends and family who have to deal with things like student debt / issues with the housing market go to workout classes regularly (I don't rely only on workout classes for exercise but there are a few workout classes I have taken for free that I enjoy but they're like $30-$40 per class. I currently do them at most once a week with a discount I get from an app so it's more like $10-$15 instead. I'm just assuming this is a scenario where I would magically win a few million in the lottery rather than landing a job that gives me a hefty paycheck.

I'm not entirely sure since our work places are kinda far apart and he really likes living with his parents and spending time with them. His office is like less than 10 minutes away from his parents' house and he's like super into home improvement and little projects here and there so there is an additional layer of enjoyment he finds living in a house instead of an apartment lol. But we have also talked before on how it would be nice to live together since we do love spending time with one another, especially when it comes to those mundane little moments. I think the main thing stopping us is the thing with the workplaces being far apart, thus making this a logistical issue.

I'm living alone but I do have a boyfriend. I just clicked other.

Mastery vs the Ordinary I've been reflecting on the concept of mastery and the 10,000 hour rule where in order to be amazing in something, you need to put 10,000 hours towards it. I've mainly been contemplating this because I have been feeling aimless in the way that I feel like I'm not working towards a compelling goal careerwise at this time. I've also caught myself comparing myself to the other people in my life who appear to be working towards a compelling goal and really clocking in the 10,000 hours in the form of high education by going to law school or medical school or by working crazy long work hours in consulting, research, and accounting. And I caught myself feeling mediocre in the face of that thus resulting in an existential crisis where I clock into work wonder wtf I'm doing with my Sisyphean life and old insecurities to crop up. One of the insecurities that has shown up for me is my inability to work crazy long hours. Hell, sometimes I find myself tired after a 40 hour work week much less 60-80. Not to mention as a student in college that I wasn't exactly the type of person who had 2 jobs, was involved on campus, was going out every weekend from Thursday to Sunday, while still managing to maintain a 4.0 GPA. And as a result, I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder. But I think it really helped that in my current job, everyone is doing things at their own pace and I'm not in a hyper competitive bubble of my own peers. I was able to slow down and still manage to pick up on the skills I need to do well in my role. Eventually, I came to the realization that my friends who are putting in crazy long work hours or pursuing a specialized professional degree aren't necessary special or superior to me rather they're putting in their 10,000 at a faster rate or they are more structured in clocking in those hours because they aren't as aimless in clocking in those hours. Another thing that I recall from the forum is that there is a good chance that you have already started clocking in your 10,000 hours without realizing it solely from engaging with hobbies and interests you have. And that makes sense in my context because I feel like even though my friends are super accomplished on paper, the ways that I stand out are in the ways I give good advice on relationships, mental health, and over all a sense of guidance, how I have pretty on point takes politically and culturally, and my sense of media literacy. Sure, the things I have just listed aren't coming in the form of a degree nor are they things I'm clocking in hours for at my job but it's still work that I have put in, even if it didn't feel like work as I've been clocking in my 10,000 hours. I think we also have this view of mastery that with being a master comes money or fame of some sorts. I think the first people that comes to mind for me personally in terms of mastery are talented actors, singers, artists, entrepreneurs, professional athletes, video essayists, public speakers etc. But what about the regular masters who aren't in the limelight making millions? I have encountered a few of these in my life often in academia given that I was in college for a decent chunk of time. I also feel like I encounter this in my corporate job as well since it does take some time to accumulate the skills to troubleshoot and help clients with the software well enough to where you can also teach people in the company as well. I say this to say that you don't have to be exceptional in the sense of being larger than life in order to have valuable skills that you have mastered. That is a realization I had to have in order to deal with my mundane life and acknowledge that even though I feel aimless at times, that doesn't mean that I'm not working towards mastering things I care about. I might not have a super lofty goal like getting through law school, training for a marathon, trying to travel through every country in the world, or building a business or following on social media with a specific niche but that doesn't mean that my work is not going to amount to any thing. Here are some ways that I've put in work towards my purpose of understanding and improving the human condition: Understanding the human condition on a personal level: journalling therapy + self help self reflection meditation Understanding the human condition on an individual level: reviewing various social dynamics in my social circle and reviewing research that comes out on various topics helping my friends through their issues while taking their specific situation and tendencies into context listening to other people's life situations and applying them to my own or drawing parallels with what other individuals are encountering regularly socializing with my friends and understanding them on a deeper level taking things I learn about the human condition on a personal and societal level and applying it to individuals and their specific situations Understanding the human condition on a societal and global level: getting a social science degree and taking classes ranging from sociology, political science, history, religion, and anthropology watching various video essays on politics and social/human rights issues + staying updated on current events reading books on various things I'm interested in such as policy, history, and international relations learning about different cultures and watching documentaries about different places travelling + exposing myself to different experiences and ways of doing things (especially in regards to trying new foods and cooking) trying to learn other langauages even if it's me just doing 5 min daily duolingo lessons lol I came to a lot of this not by being super structured in my purpose but by either following my bliss or dealing with things in my life that were pressing enough to develop certain skills. I think I started off more with the category of understanding the human condition on a personal level as I was working through a lot of trauma and difficulties of my upbringing which gave me a lot of purpose until that came to more of a resolution in the last year or so. I might not have something I can physically point to or flex regarding the work I have poured into myself since much of it was internal, but that doesn't mean that I didn't put in the work in the first place. And it shows in the way that I move through the world, evaluate situations, and the type of life I have built for myself. I also think nowadays, i find myself gravitating towards the 3rd category and that is the category that I'm thinking that I want to focus my career and hobbies towards. I know the life purpose talks about finding your purple cow or finding a niche that causes your form of mastery to stand out amongst the rest and there is merit to that. But I don't think that in every case that it has to do with being exeptional and larger than life. Sometimes it's you specializing something in your field like being an immigration lawyer for people with specific life circumstances, or maybe it's the specific way or the personality that shows through your technique like for example if you were to be a master in being a teacher in early childhood education. I guess I'm saying this to help bring the notion of finding your niche or purple cow down to earth to something more tangible as it doesn't always manifest in a clean cut way in situations outside of art or entrepreneurship. This is a video that I find myself resonating with lately: The video starts out with the creator talking about how she tended to feel emotions in a very big way growing up and how she would feel really intensely in love with people but since she perceived herself to be incredibly average, she had a hard time imagining that someone would feel this way towards her thus leading her to eventually start trying to overcompensate for her self perceived averageness by trying to be exceptional in something, in her case it was music. She goes on to explain how in the early days of social media when people were mainly just following people in their inner circle and influencers weren't as much of a thing, that having a talent and being really good at something felt like a rare, exceptional thing. There wasn't as much exposure to how much talent that was actually out there because usually the image you had consisted of a certain celebrity or a kid in the school talent show. And because we didn't have as much exposure and access to celebrities compared to what we have now in social media, it was easier to deify them and put them in a pedestal because that type of curated image and attention was more rare back then. And this creator took that notion that talent is scarce and that she needs to be exceptional to be loved and just ran with it in her teens and early twenties But as time went on and as we have gotten to the age of short form content and specialized algorithms, it feels like everyone and their mother is really exceptional at something. Which isn't a bad thing because it lets us acknoweldge the extraordinaryness in otherwise ordinary people which can be beautiful, but it also makes it seem that being exception isn't enough or that it isn't all that. She also goes on to talk about how we tend to value outward facing talents like being really good at painting for example over inward facing talents such as being exceptionally kind. The later tends to be more frequently overlooked by others and even by ourselves. I guess after being on social media for a while, I found myself feeling the same way about mastery and celebrity culture. I found myself feeling the same way towards acknowledging my more inward facing talents that I have built up over the years and how that corresponds to a more external form of mastery that my friend circle engages in more. And while I didn't feel the need to be exceptional in order to get validation from others, I think there has been a part of me throughout my years in the education system that made feel like I needed to be exceptional to myself to access a certain type of self love. That is something that I've been trying to unlearn while acknowledging that I'm not this aimless blob that has nothing going on, that I do have things that I'm working towards even if it doesn't seem like the typical image we have when we picture mastery. Mastery isn't as uncommon as our egos would like us to believe but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth pursuing or that it doesn't amount to much to be in the 1% of something, even when that means that there are still millions of people at the same level as you or better. I think it's important to pursue mastery for it's own sake when it comes to pursuing your life purpose regardless if this is a hobby you have or something that manifests in your career path. And that also means taking things at your own pace and not trying to rush clocking in the 10,000 hours by working unsustainable hours. Not to sound cliche, it's about the journey and if you genuinely enjoy it, you're not going to be counting down on those 10,000 hours to be done and over with so you can have that sense of glory at the end of the journey. And honestly, in most cases of mastery unless it's in a glamorous field, the end of the journey when you become a master at something after clocking in the 10,000 hours is going to be anticlimactic (or hell for all I know the glamorous fields also have this sense of things being anticlimactic once you actually experience certain things instead of just building it up and idealizing it in your head). Like for example, as a teacher, maybe the end destination of mastery is retiring modestly and occasionally having your former students get back to you on how impactful you have been on their lives rather than becoming famous and being this larger than life figure. Maybe all I know for now is that I'm pursuing my interests and I don't know where it will lead in the end, if it leads any fixed destination at all in terms of being exceptional. I guess at the end of me contemplating this, I've been learning to come to terms with my own ordinaryness and mediocity and how performing well and being exceptional isn't always going to be a by product in my journey to mastery nor does mastery gurantee a career or something grand. Nevertheless, it is still something that can give me a sense of purpose for doing something for it's own sake.

I do think that hyper sexuality is more emphasize in the west but even though there is more mainstream and feminist push back around the notion that a woman's sole role is to be a mother, it's still very prevalent especially among my parent's generation (boomers/ gen x) which then bleeds into mine and we need to unlearn a bunch of things. But the whole notion of someone being less of a woman because they didn't have a natural birth (took an epidural, had a C-section etc.) or chose not to breastfeed is like the epitome of first world problems. I've never looked at a person and been like *oh that guy was a C-section or formula baby.* So much of it is women policing one another and I feel like it has parallels with the first world incel guys who are like **men aren't real men any more because we're not dying in war and struggling.** Because people who are forced to give a natural birth due to a lack of alternatives or shipped off to war aren't going to romanticize it the way the people who have a choice do.

Yes women are talking about this. You just aren't in the communities where it's being discussed. There are women who talk about being high value woman (as cringe as it is at times), not being a pick me (basically someone who throws other women under the bus for male validation), and there are a lot of social pressure around milestones like getting married and becoming a mother. As unfortunate as it is, there is a subset of women who will look at you as if you're less than or not womanly enough if you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married after a certain age or if you decide not to have kids all together. And even then, when you go into like the black hole that is mommy blogs, there are women who think that you aren't as much of a woman if you decide to get the epidural vs natural birth or if you want to feed your child using formula because you don't want to or you can't breastfeed. There are women who don't see you as womanly enough if you look a certain way or ascribe to a certain beauty standard (and a lot of it has roots in racism as well). And if you're still not convinced, just search up finishing schools. We might not have the same language as y'all have about being a "real man" but that doesn't mean that we aren't having these conversations as well.

Upper Middle Class I feel like I'm more swayed by rampant consumerism these days because I actually have money of my own whereas throughout my teen and college years, I mainly used my parent's money for necessities like textbooks, groceries, and the occasional lunch out with my friends. Even if I did treat myself to something, I was always careful with my spending since I was under the impression that this was their money and not mine so I have to be responsible and reasonable with what I was spending my money on and how much it was for. And I don't think this is a bad thing, quite the contrary. But I guess it's hitting me that even though financially I'm upper middle class both in terms of my own income, how it compares to my bills, and my savings and I have grown up upper middle class for most of my memory, I'm not socially upper middle class. And I think that I have this sense of morbid curiosity towards the spending habits of some upper middle class people that i guess I could afford but wouldn't do myself because I don't prioritize the same things. Even though I grew up with financial security without having to worry about how I'm going to pay for college and how I would deal with any emergency, including health emergencies, and I could afford most things, I could not relate to the other upper middle class people I went to college with. I think there is some diversity among upper middle class upbringings. A lot of the people I grew up with and the people I'm cool with now, they might be upper middle class but they had more of a middle class upbringing because 1. they were around some degree of socioeconomic diversity and 2. their parent's had middle class habits and life styles because they lived below their means and passed that mindset on to their kids. In other words, they have touched grass. Sometimes I walk into stores and feel like I don't belong there. I will use Sephora as an example. Like... who tf do I look like spending $25 on lipgloss and $50 on skincare for one thing?!?! And it's not like a feeling of inferiority. It's more of not being able to relate to a certain life style or habit of consumption. Like that $50 is gas money. I'm not spending that on a moisturizer when I found a moisturizer that works great and lasts me for 8 months for like $12 at Walmart. Then there is Wholefoods. You can get the same shit from the organic section of a grocery store like Target, Walmart, and Sprouts and have it taste the same for less money. There's also the bougie hipstery restaurants. You know, the places where they use arugala for their burgers, you have to order on a pin pad and the customer service people probably won't talk to you and will ask for a tip on the ipad they're using to run you up. Also, they don't accept cash and their burgers are like $20 and aren't really all that, and they all have the same generic Instagramable hipster vibe. It's not a question of authenticity. You can have hipster and fusion places that are unique and interesting and that make good food. But a lot of them just scream gentrification and they give me the same vibe as a Millennial from like 2013 with a moustache tattoo that is lecturing you on craft beer. There's the people who can Doordash 3x a week and comfortably be able to afford that. Even if I could afford (and I can), it's just so financially wasteful. Everytime I open the app, I immediately delete it after rethinking my life choices when I see a McDonalds meal that is like $20 after delivery fees and tips. I have occasional days where I crave something that I can't really replicate or I just really don't feel like cooking but in my mind, if I don't want to get up and get it myself, I say to myself that I don't want it enough to justify having it delivered through a food delivery app. There's the normalization of various beauty treatments for women who are upper middle class that's like getting your brows done, getting waxed, getting your nails done etc. And all I can think of is how much that shit adds up when you're doing it twice a week on repeat. I get wanting to treat yourself every now and then or if you have a special occasion, but when this is your regular, it just doesn't compute in my mind and the priorities I have with my money because you can literally do all of this by yourself for a fraction of the cost. And with social media there are people who are getting medical grade facials monthly which can run you like $100 to $200 each and botox is getting normalized like they're a pair of acrylics. Speaking of social media and the over consumption there, I feel like there is so much more social capital to be had with mindless consumption for the sake of trends for those who are upper middle class as opposed to those who are middle class and lower. I'll use the Stanley cup as an example, a $40 water bottle. I feel like lower middle class people and lower will see this as absolutely ridiculous. Middle class people will see it as overpriced and ridiculous but might get like 1 or 2 (1 for the house and another for the office) if they really like it. But they'll think about it first due to the price and they know it's not that deep. Upper middle class people will buy a collection of this so they can coordinate with their outfits and so they aren't like left out of their peer group since EVERYONE has one and spending that kind of money isn't really a big deal. I'm obviously stereotyping here but basically, I think upper middle class people are more prone to overconsumption because they actually have the money to participate in such trends and if enough people in their social circle are doing something, they just give in because it won't hurt their wallet. Financilly, I can afford that type of hyper consumerist life style to a certain degree. If I wanted to, I could get my eyebrows done and nails done 2x a month, get doordash 2x a week, and buy random shit I don't need but I'm not about that life because I believe in living below your means when it comes to consumer spending. I might have an entry level job but I'm fortunate enough that I don't have student loan deb and I have a car that is paid off because I'm using a hand me down from a relative. And I live in an affordable area. But I don't even want to engage in that life and it feels weird that people in my social class has normalized things like this because I can't relate and I feel out of place despite the fact that the math is mathing on paper as far as income and assets go.

CVs and resumes are more or less the same thing. A lot of other countries say CV while in the U.S. we use the word resume. But I do believe the slight difference is that CVs put more of an emphasis on the education section whle resumes focus more on years of experience. It's a cultural difference from one part of the world to another if you ask me.

A Littile Mid-Year Check In Positives first: I have figured out how I feel about my family and my dealing with my family relationships going forward. I have communicated things with my dad and we figured out a plan for the future. I will say that this gave me a lot of peace of mind emotionally and financially. Gained some clarity around my romantic realtionship. I have a better reltionship with food since I'm working with a nutritionist. I have a less restrictive and over all healthier view of money, finances, and spending. I'm getting better at cooking for myself and others. I have hosted get togethers at my place a couple of times. I fasted for Ramadan successfully and got some growth out of that particularly around feeling present. I've been posting on tiktok somewhat frequently and I have been enjoying the process while addressing my anxiety around being seen lol. I've reached 70 days on my Duo Lingo Spanish streak I've been working through my insecurities around my feelings about mediocrity and humility. I've also been reconnecting with my sense of purpose in my life. I'm planning for my trip later this year across Asia. I've been working through things regarding my feelings around life purpose, the absurd, and how my life feels like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up a mountain. I haven't been feeling a constant underlying sense of dread as I did earlier in the year. But I will say, I'm not too excited about the upcoming election and I do find myself getting irritable at times when I see the news because it pokes at my feelings around instability. I've been feeling more confident in my image of myself as an adult (I was dealing with a bit of *I feel like a 23/24 year old teenage girl complex earlier this year and around my birthday*) Negatives: I've gotten in the habit of isolating myself and it's been a little difficult getting out of it. I've lost the habit of working out regularly I've been dealing with some low grade depression due to seasonal things, a lack of purpose, hormonal issues etc. Health hasn't been great. Recently I've lost my appetitie and my hormones feel off. I haven't been volunteering as I wanted to this year.

Found a few quote under a youtube video that I liked and wanted to take note of:

Integrating the Life Purpose Course I have taken Leo's Life Purpose Course three times, once when I was 19 after my first year of college, another time at 21 during the pandemic, and most recently at 23 after getting my first job. Each of these times I took the course I was coming from a place of feeling lost or uncertain about my future and what to do next, you know, the typical feelings people get in young adult hood. And honestly, I think it's great I took this course multiple times because it felt like a good frame work for figuring things out. I don't think it was a failure on my part to revisit it so many times because I feel like when you're young, there is so much variability regarding how you are growing and all of the things you're experiencing that's giving you new information and insight about your future and what really resonates with you. While I didn't retake the Life Purpose course a fourth time, I did revisit the list of videos and reviewed a few of the topics. I found myself reflecting on the topics that were discussed and how I felt as if I intellectually grasped the lessons at 19 and then emotionally grasped the lessons at 21 and 23. I think as I'm getting older, different things are coming up in my life along with different existential crisis. I think my last post can be summed up by me rethinking the concept of mastery, commitment, the 10,000 hour rule (though I didn't discuss it in the post above I did contemplate it a lot during my recent existential crisis) to name a few. The best way I can decribe it is that the concepts in my life purpose course were seeds that were planted in my mind at 19 and then at 21 and 23 I gave it more fertilizer for it to grow. And now, while I did have the concepts and frameworks in mind, I'm more easily able to articulate the insights I'm having as well as grounding what I know intellectually and emotionally into my life experience. I can't say that I have my life purpose figured out. At times I feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle in front of me and I'm still trying to draw connections so that I create the picture that I want. I feel like the picture is a work in progress but as I integrate these insights into my life experiences, it's helping me draw more connections. I will be honest, I do feel a little silly that after doing the course three times that I still haven't figured my purpose out. The process of integration is long and I think it's taking a few years because well, I have some growing up to do and I'm still figuring out the various opportunities that are out there and how the adult world functions. As a result, a lot of things are shifting and changing when it comes to my goals in life and it doesn't hurt to contemplate and remind myself to water the seeds that were planted years ago and check up on them.

May 2024 I've been having an existential crisis for the last month/ month and a half and as a result I've been mildly depressed. I haven't been journalling about it here mainly because my offline journalling was so all over the place that it didn't feel cohesive enough for me to create a post in my journal. I’ve noticed that I have this tendency to base my worth on my ability to perform. I think this takes it’s root in my childhood where my mom would always tell me that if I’m not good in school that all of my friends will eventually leave me behind. I was fed this notion that if you didn’t get good grades, go to a good college, and have a lucrative job that you will be starving and homeless. I was told that I had to be competitive and the best academically and professionally. And while I pushed back against this notion as a child, I think I still ended up internalizing it on some level unintentionally and it’s bubbling up despite the fact that I’m in a relatively stable place in my job. I feel like I need to perform in order to be loved and valued. As an employee, I have to do an amazing job in order to be valued at a company. As a friend, I have to be the one who is reaching out and I have to be interesting and engaging. As a girlfriend, I feel bad if I'm not performing well sexually which is a whole thing that I need to unpack tbh. As a daughter, I have to care for my parents even if they treat me badly. As a student, I have to get good grades, do a bunch of extracurriculars to show how well rounded and good at multi tasking I am, and manage to keep down a job or two to support myself and show that I’m not a privileged spoiled brat. And finally, as a person, I need to be having some great impact on the world and be doing something that requires exceptional work ethic and talent or else I’m just wasting my life and being an NPC. I think I’m just dissatisfied with the type of work I’m doing right now and it all just feels very purposeless and that is manifesting as feelings of insecurity. I look at my job and I just think that it’s kind of a bullshit job because I don’t think it really contributes to society much and even though I have ways of advancing, I guess it feels dead end to me because the ways that I can advance does not interest me all that much. Then I got to thinking about all of the jobs that my head thinks is worth a damn and I came up with this Venn Diagram. Upon further reflection and unpacking in therapy, I have come across the following conclusions. Prestige: I think this factor impacts me because of the way that education is seen as a status thing to a certain extent in South Asian communities. This isn’t happening anymore but my mom has come up to me on various occasions being like *so when are you getting your masters, everyone else your age already got there’s* And I know that a masters degree doesn’t make sense for me right at this time but I guess there is a part of me that feels less than because I struggled in college and I don’t think I could get into law school or med school or an exclusive career like working in D.C. Like my friends are out here doing these big things with their lives and I’m stuck in a silly little office job because I don’t have what it takes to do more. My mom also in the past said things along the lines on how I lack discipline and a work ethic because I have yet to commit to a path. I also just can’t help but feel that everyone around me are going to be well established and be successful within the next 5-10 years and I’m just going to be stuck in this type of role because I don’t feel like I’m working towards anything meaningful or that requires a lot of specialized skill. It is this notion of proving to myself that I am smart enough, capable enough, and remarkable enough to get a position like being a doctor, lawyer, accountant, etc. I feel like I just crave the feeling that I’m working towards something that feels worthwhile for me and that I wish I had the discipline that the other people in these careers have. Basically, I think amidst my self deprecation, I think there is this desire to master something and work towards it. I guess I didn't see the value of that as much as I do now. And I guess that makes sense because another thing I found myself doing lately is watch videos about people working towards and acheiving goals that I personally don't find myself pursuing ranging from training for a marathon, visiting every single country, hiking on the Appalacian trail for 6 months, etc. with the awe of doing something for the long haul for the sake of mastering something you care about. Helping people: When I think of careers that help people, the first jobs I think of are teachers, nurses, and service workers. And while I don’t want these exact careers, I do want to feel some sort of purpose at my job in regards to doing something worthwhile. Another thing I think of is how these jobs are also often overworked and as a result, my first thought is that I’m not built like that and I’m not capable of putting in those hours and dealing with that kind of bs. That’s the thing that makes me feel less than, the fact that I can’t put in long hours towards something that is selfless and worthwhile in society. It makes me feel like I’m not all that capable of making an impact and helping people at a larger scale because I don’t have the skills to work under pressure, to deal with difficult people, and do something that involves actual stakes. In my cushy corporate job, I have the privilege to say that so many of our work emergencies are fabricated because in the end of the day, it’s not like we’re saving lives. And while that gives me a sense of relief and perspective to not freak out over something insignificant in the moment, I think in the long run it can feed into this notion that my job is not important or worthwhile. And to be honest, it probably isn’t. If my position and company disappeared into thin air, the world would be fine. Maybe inconvenient for property managers and their financial statements, but generally speaking, they’re fine. The same cannot be said about doctors, grocery store workers, and postal workers. Making Money: I think much of this has to do with my economic anxieties when I unpacked this in therapy. I think out of the 3 circles, this is the least impactful to me because I don’t look at investment bankers and think about how I wish I had their careers since the lifestyle associated with it seems so miserable. But I have this mean girl voice in my head that’s like *is it that you don’t want to do it or is it that you aren’t capable of doing it and you’re just hating from outside the club?* And I feel insecure about not being the type who can work like 60-80 hour weeks. I know this isn’t something to be glorified because it’s literally labor exploitation but I guess it’s easier to beat yourself up for not being able to meet certain expectations because some people do appear to carry the burden well than to criticize the system for overworking people. Like I feel inferior to investment bankers and consultants to an extent because there are times in my cushy office job that I feel tired from working 40 hours in a week. a lot to do with the hustle culture illusion that just because you’re making a lot of money from long hours that this somehow makes you more hard working and more important compared to others and that you’re somehow contributing more to society and your money is evidence of the market righteously rewarding you. And this sense of righteousness tied to your financial status is indicative of how we put a moral value on how much we work and make because ~~~***cApiTALism BaByyyyy***~~~Like the mean girl voice loves to tell me that I don’t have what it takes to be successful because of the ways that we associate success with working long hours or even have what it takes to get one of these types of jobs. And by having what it takes, I’m referring to how I didn’t do a million extra curriculars in college, how I had a mediocre GPA, and how even by the grace of god if I got an opportunity like that despite my stats, I wouldn’t last 2 months much less 2 years. A lot of my friends are working 60-80 hour weeks, even if they aren’t investment banks and consultants, and while I feel bad for them and I wish they had the same work life balance I have, I also sometimes look at them and think how they are so much more stronger and more hard working than me, that they can withstand it while I sometimes struggle with the workload of my standard 9-5. I guess sometimes I feel like the only way to be successful is to work an unsustainable number of hours and since I’m trying to do things sustainably, that I’m some how weak, or slow, or overly sensitive, or not ambitious enough. Conclusion: Besides these 3 Venn diagram circles, a common theme that you may be picking up that all of these careers have in common is that they require a lot of work and a lot of hours. And I suppose this is where my internalized sense of capitalism and ableism comes in because I’m basing my worth on how well I can perform and how much I can produce. And since I’m one of the few people in my friend group who isn’t working crazy hours, I can’t help but wonder if I’m going to be alright careerwise. I see my friends who are working towards law school or who are gaining a lot of valuable experiences (and money) in consulting, or who are working in D.C. with a ton of opportunities and I can see how that is setting them up for success. And I guess, my path seems more unclear and it sometimes lead me to feel like I’m going to be working a dead end job even though that isn’t even the case with my current role since I have promotion opportunities. I guess it also feels dead end because the promotion opportunities in question don’t seem exciting or interesting to me and in a way it seems nice to have a path like med school where you’re motivated towards an end goal that excites you (and imo you have to at least somewhat like it because that shit takes forever and the student debt ain’t a joke). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I also feel like the middle class lifestyle that we grew up with is becoming more and more unattainable. It’s like the middle class of the past is basically the upper middle class today and that the upper middle class of the past is upper class now. I’ve also been feeling this constant state of instability for the past 10ish years due to the circus that has been politics. I also feel like Sisyphus because of how some things feel so unattainable. For boomers, they did have a mountain but they were able to roll the boulder up the hill and acheive things like homeownership and having kids. Meanwhile, Millenials and Gen Z it seems unlikely for most of us unless we had some sort of safety net or lived with our parents for a few years after getting a good job so here we are rolling up the boulder that is having a job or career without ever really reaching the top. And even if we do get close, there will be some sort of disaster or economic crisis that will cause it to roll back down. That's in the collective. On a more individual note, I feel this way about my corporate job because even though I like it and I like feeling productive and having a sort of structure to my day to day, in the end of the day, no matter how many calls I take and clients I help, there will always be more and that kind of leaves me feeling like *wtf is the point of this job and my role in it?!??!* I'm basically experiencing Alienation in a Marxist sense. Upon watching various videos about Sisyphus and Albert Camus’ whole thing about the absurd, I think the way that I hold careers that make a lot of money on a pedestal has to do with trying to have control in a meaningless and out of control world. And it makes sense right, with inflation, the pandemic, and the feeling I get with the constant instability around me where I encounter another uNPreSiDentED eVEnT. There’s this quote that I got from a youtube video that I posted earlier in this journal: “'How could we apply this in our own lives? We could just deny the unreasonable world.' This is the most common way to accept the world around us. Everyone makes up their own rules, their own goals. An example of this is religion, finding peace knowing there is an afterlife or monetary gain finding peace knowing that you'll have financial stability when you retire. But Camus rejected this idea of thinking one day we will be free. Instead, we should recognize that we're free at every moment, that heaven is on earth, rejecting the idea that one day we will understand the world, we will overcome death, or be happy one day. It's a lesson to remember. We must live our lives as much as possible rather than as good as possible because what is considered good is just another metric we humans made up. We don't chase after things for the heck of it. It's because of the experience of it in the same way that for Sisyphus, it's not about getting to the top, it's about the satisfaction of the task while you're doing it. Our lives are not far from similar to Sisyphus' punishment. If we're striving for money, when will it be enough? If we're striving for happiness, when will we be happy enough? What about power? It's never enough. It's just an endless race with no finish line but that's okay as long as you live in the moment." And I also found myself engaging in mindless consumerism which isn't really typical of me but I think it comes from wanting to fill the void with something materialisitcally satisfying to aspire to in a weird way. I didn't do this but I found myself watching videos of people spending hundreds of dollars on Sephora and Target self-care purchases. I did take myself on a little, much more tame, shopping spree and I do think that scratched the itch and demystified the fetishization that comes with advertisers and commodification. I think there was a part of me that wanted to take part, even if it's a little part, in that feeling of upper middle class abundance as something to aspire to and find meaning in. I found myself thinking of Sisyphus a lot but more importantly Camus' notion that one must imagine Sisyphus happy rolling a boulder up a hill to not have it be a horrible tragedy of a story. And it got me thinking about what my “rolling a boulder up a hill is.” What would I like to do for the sake of it? What do I want to master, not for the success that it may bring, but for the sake of expressing a very natural, authentic state of being. What is something that I can see myself easily put 10,000 hours into not in a sense that I’m trying to rush those 10,000 hours and be world class as soon as possible but something that I want to build at over time and really enjoy my journey with. I guess my main takeaways are the following: You need to ask yourself what you want to master for the sake of it and create a situation where your inner Sisyphus is happy. You need to find long term goals that feel worthy of pursuing and that you’ll primarily enjoy the journey along the way. You need to ask yourself how you want to help people and what feels like a worthy contribution You need to address your internalized ableism about working long hours and doing something deemed important and perform in order to be worthy. You need to pursue your sense of purpose in a financially sustainable way which can be difficult given the instability around you.

"So like as Sisyphus' task lacks any ultimate purpose or end, he argued that the same could be said about the human experience but rather than running away from the absurd, Camus tells us to confront it directly. We should revolt against our absurd condition by embracing life, creating our own meaning, and living authentically. There we can find happiness. Sisyphus has no concept of a better day or an afterlife. His experiences are tied to the here and now. Sisyphus embaraces the task and gives it his all., revolting against nihilism and despair. This allows him to be the master of his own story. He is free even in his punishment. Sisyphus is the hero in the story, a tragic hero at that. Camus imagines Sisyphus smiling as he goes down the mountain to start his task over again and gives us the picture that there's joy and contentment in embracing the struggles of life even though at the end of the day it's meaningless. 'How could we apply this in our own lives? We could just deny the unreasonable world.' This is the most common way to accept the world around us. Everyone makes up their own rules, their own goals. An example of this is religion, finding peace knowing there is an afterlife or monetary gain finding peace knowing that you'll have financial stability when you retire. But Camus rejected this idea of thinking one day we will be free. Instead, we should recognize that we're free at every moment, that heaven is on earth, rejecting the idea that one day we will understand the world, we will overcome death, or be happy one day. It's a lesson to remember. We must live our lives as much as possible rather than as good as possible because what is considered good is just another metric we humans made up. We don't chase after things for the heck of it. It's because of the experience of it in the same way that for Sisyphus, it's not about getting to the top, it's about the satisfaction of the task while you're doing it. Our lives are not far from similar to Sisyphus' punishment. If we're striving for money, when will it be enough? If we're striving for happiness, when will we be happy enough? What about power? It's never enough. It's just an endless race with no finish line but that's okay as long as you live in the moment."

A lot of elected officials are a bunch of old geezers with a ton of Cold War trauma due to the Red Scare blacklisting people as communist left and right, running through drills in the event of a nuclear detonation, and the threat of a nuclear World War 3 if Russia and America get into direct conflict. You also have the demonization of social services under the Reagan administration and the stereotype of welfare queens. And even though left wing populism and socialism =/= communism, old people tend to conflate the two. As a result, a lot of them resonate with right wing populism that plays on their racial and gender biases (i.e. women and immigrants are taking all of your jobs away) because it appeals to their economic and racial anxieties. Of course there are exceptions like Bernie who is basically appeals to the populism from the left. But it's important to note that back in 2016, when he first ran, waaaaay more people thought he was an insane communist than they do now. Before 2016, you couldn't say shit about capitalism without being looked at as if you have a third tit because it wasn't as much a part of the discourse for people who were center left. Sure, the right still has that communist grandpa image of Bernie, but center left leaning people have calmed down on that by a lot over the past 8+ years.

Quick Answer: sometime between 3-9 months shorter if you got to know each other prior to the romantic relationship and spend a lot of time together longer if you're taking your time to know each other and don't spend as much time together

I think you have a limitted view of what a habit is and you're mainly coming from a stage orange perspective. You can have a habit and still have it be flexible. Whose to say that getting ice cream once a week on a Tuesday is a habit but getting ice cream once a week but the day of the week doesn't matter isn't a habit. Sure, habits that aren't rooted in some form of authenticity is less likely to stick but it is still something that is possible. There are plenty of habits that I have, particularly related to my job, that I don't particularly like or see the point of, but I still continue it because sometimes being an adult and taking responsibility means doing things that you're not quite fond of doing and sometimes, flexibility is not the solution. Sure sometimes sucks at first, but eventually you get used to it and your brain gets used to certain pathways it created. That's where the indifference comes from and hell, sometimes you end up liking the once new behavior because your mind adapts in such away that it likes the comfort of familiarity and it got into the habit. Yes, this can be the case sometimes but just because it's true sometimes doesn't mean the whole of the habit thing is to be discounted.

It took me like 9 months to where I started saying it frequently. I think the first time I said it was when we were 7 months in. The first time he said that he loved me we were about 5 months along. I told him that I really liked him and that I'm heading towards that feeling but it's just taking me a little longer and that I'm no quite there yet but when I say it, I really want to mean it. He was very understanding and understood that just because we're on slightly different speeds that it wasn't a threat to his ego and it doesn't have anything to do with him or the relationship. It's also worth noting that when we started dating we barely knew each other so we were really getting to know each other from complete scratch so we took things slower in the early part of our relationship. I have a friend who she and her boyfriend started saying I love you about 2-3 months in mainly because they grew up together so they already knew each other pretty well but not necessarily in a romantic sense before the relationship. They were also seeing each other fairly frequently (like 3+ times a week) so they got to know each other pretty quickly in a shorter period of time. In contrast, my boyfriend and I during our first year of dating would really go on dates like once a week initially because I was busy with school and later because we lived about an hour away from each other. The point is that there is a variety of factors that go in to when it's a right time to say "I love you" from personal preference and the pace you tend to develop feelings, how long you've known each other, how much quality time you have spent together etc. So long as y'all have took the time to really know each other to the point where you're past the point of romanticizing them (basically when you've gotten to know them and not just the idea of them), I think it's fine to say I love you because a huge part of loving a person is knowing them.

Your home country and connecting flights where you stop on your way to your final destination don't count

3 weeks Post Ramadan I wanted to give myself time to recover health wise from fasting, deal with the ego backlash I was experienceing, and just letting my takeaways marinate for a little bit before journalling about how I feel like Ramadan has been affecting me. Here are some points I jotted down: I feel calmer about the future. I think me taking a month where I was forced to be present and focus on myself helped me rewire somethings mentally. I remember before Ramadan I was going through my gloomer phase of sorts which I have previously wrote about. I still encounter like a gloomer mood with current events but it isn’t this constant thing in the back of my mind as it used to be. The gloominess comes from thinking of past bad events and the prediction of that continuing or getting worse in the future. It isn’t focusing on the now, being mindful, or letting yourself be. And I was aware of it back then to. But fasting helped me I guess emotionally integrate that notion. I like how fasting has made me more mindful of how I spend my energy. This is because I didn’t have much energy to begin with during Ramadan and as a result, I had to get real with my priorities. I only really had enough energy to do my job, do some basic chores, and call my friends here and there. This forced me to cut out a lot of extra stuff that I was doing day to day. When it comes to some of the extra stuff, it was things I realized that I didn’t care much about but for other things like working out and hanging out with others, it made me realize how valuable it was because it was something that I couldn’t wait to get back to. I think it was also nice to be intentional with one thing for a month and be really disciplined with it. It was nice to look at other areas of my life and think *hey, I can press pause on this for a little bit, it will still be here after a month* whether that be for career stuff, social things, hobbies or any other little goals I have and just focus on my sense of spirituality. I have a new found appreciation about my health. After getting out of fasting and giving my body the time it needs to bounce back, I just feel really grateful for the energy I have throughout the day and the energy I have to do things such as work out and spend time with my friends. I also had a lot of issues with food and dieting over the years and even though it’s mostly handled prior to me fasting, I think fasting, in a weird way, helped have a better relationship with food. Going into it, I was skeptical about fasting because I was afraid it was going to trigger me but honestly, it helped me appreciate food as an energy source and as something that helps me get through my day instead of demonizing it. I also think that this greater sense of appreciation for my health has made me want to not diet in the future. It’s a bit counterintuitive but I think the way that my body reacting negatively to not eating enough during Ramadan and also how it took me about a week and a half for me to bounce back due to my hormones being out of whack because of the fasting (PCOS and restrictive diets with fasting does not fix well imo), made me think about the long-term damage I’m likely causing my having restrictive tendencies with food. I feel like I am more gentle with myself. I feel like I really had to be more gentle with myself during Ramadan due to my inability to focus at times, my low energy levels, and feeling like I'm stagnating in certain areas of my life. I am of the belief that gentleness and discipline have more in common with each other than not and I think for me at least, I tend to be more disciplined when I am gentle with myself. I think it's good that I got to work on my gentleness muscle more lately.