soos_mite_ah

7/6/2025 I was sick with a stomach bug today My iphone says I was on Youtube for 2 hours and 9 min, Hexa Sort for 1 hour and 24 min , Safari for 52 min, TikTok for 45 min, and Snapchat for 41 min Youtube, again, most of that was music but I do remember watching a couple of news stories. I was probably also playing Hexa Sort during that time but I also think that I was playing Hexa Sort while I was in the bathroom with a stomach ache. I was reading manga on Safari in the middle of the night. Tiktok was kind of spread out throughout the day. I guess I watched a couple of videos here and there and it just added up. And finally, I was just messaging someone on snapchat. I didn't feel great about the day since I thought I was on my phone a lot due to me being sick. But as I'm writing this out, sure my screentime isn't where I want it to be, but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world. 7/7/2025 I was sick from the stomach bug so I didn't go to work. Total screentime was 4 hours and 40 min Safari was for 1 hour and 33 min, Instagram was for 1 hour, Tiktok was for 1 hour, Hexa Sort was 31 min, and Youtube was 24 min When it comes to Safari, I was mainly reading manga mixed in with being on this forum on the phone. I was on this forum a lot on Monday because I had nothing better to do tbh. There was like 3, 30 min peaks, one at 1 am, another at 12pm, and another at around 7pm. I was on Instagram at like 1 am and then kind of sporadically from 1pm to 8pm. The 1 am session was 100% part of my doomscrolling because I was feeling anxious. I think the stuff later that day was just me looking at memes. Tiktok really just peaked at like 10 pm only. I was doomscrolling the news. Honestly, I was having an existential crisis at night and instead of ruminating, I just opted for scrolling. I don't think that's healthy lol. 7/8/2025 My total screentime was 5 hours today. 3 hours was for Tiktok and 1.5 hours was on Safari. I was on Youtube for only 30 min. I remember today feeling kind of restless at work so I was reaching for Tiktok a lot. I find myself either graviating towards Tiktok either when I'm over or understimulated. Today, it was the understimulation of how boring work was. There was also some doomscrolling in the middle of the night for like an hour. Safari mainly peaked at night. I was on Safari for 1 hour at like 1 am and then the rest of the day the other 30 min was kind of evenly distributed throughout the day. Gonna be honest, I was watching porn at 1 am because I couldn't sleep and I knew I shouldn't doom scroll on Tiktok. Gonna be honest, I felt like shit today and I felt all over the place. I noticed that short form content tends to make me feel like that. 7/9/2025 Total screentime was 4 hours and 10 min Youtube was 2 hours and 27 min, Tiktok was 45 min, Safari was 30 min , clock app was 27 min. I was blasting music while getting ready for work , on my way back, and during work during my work from home portion of the day. Stomach was acting up and I couldn't focus for shit so the music helped me get going and also helped me wake up in the middle of the day. Tiktok has like 2 15 min peaks and the remaining 15 min distributed around. I was on Tiktok for like 15 min right after work and 15 min right before falling asleep. Safari had 3 10 min peaks at 7 am, 3pm, and 9 pm. I don't remember what I was doing in the morning and the afternoon but I do remember showing my boyfriend a couple of dumb videos later at night lol. The clock app was active around 4 pm. I think I was using the timer for something, probably just as time to decompress after work instead of scrolling on Tiktok. I wasn't on my phone but I think the app was just open. Today didn't feel that bad in terms of my screentime. I feel like my evening was mainly me hanging out with my boyfrienda and I was just busy at work otherwise. I guess if you take away Youtube and the clock app from the equation, my screentime is more around 1 hour and 15 min which feels reasonable.

I'm currently with a guy who I love very much and am attracted to but he is not by "type." We have had a really solid and happy relationship so far for the last 3+ years. He's also the only person I have done anything sexual with. But there is a part of me that wants to go out and have sex with my physical "type." This desire doesn't really affect out relationship. My partner and I have a healthy sex life and we communicate very openly. I personally feel like I have this itch that I need to scratch. I guess a part of me feels like I just need to have sex with my "type" so that it gest demystified and I realize it's not all that it's cracked out to be. Maybe, I just need to get it out of my system? But also, another part of me worries that if I have sex with my "type" that I'm going to pigeon hole my attraction to this "type" and that's gonna fuck up my sex life with my partner. What's been your experience with having sex with your type? Did it feel like ecstasy to where you didn't want to have sex with any other kind of person? Did it feel like something that was a nice bonus but it wasn't the end all be all when it comes to choosing to have sex with someone you like? Was it an itch that just needed to be scratched?

@Princess Arabia Yeah, I get it because of the way that patriarchial standards influence our perception of normality lol. But in my opinion, stink is stink regardless of gender lmao.

I mean, arms, legs, chest, beard, down there. Back and ass aren't turn ons but they don't bother me either. Unibrow, and armpits are where I draw the line lol. I feel like armpit hair can trap in stink and that EVERYONE needs to shave (or at the very least trim) there.

@PurpleTree LOL I misspoke without realizing it I like guys who are on the shorter end with dark features and a lot of hair lmaoooo.

In the initial stages of dating, I still thought he was cute and I loved his personality and the way he meshed with me. And the more I get to know him, the more I find that he is a good man, that he is a good fit for me in a number of areas of my life, and we have built a very solid relationship together. Sure, I have my preferences. But my philosophy as I was dating was that I can compromise on my preferences but I cannot compromise on my standards. He met like half of my preferences and met all my standards. Like, I'm not going to reject a guy based on the fact he doesn't have curly hair. Like think about it this way. You love burgers and tacos and they are your go to meal. And then suddenly, you get exposed to sushi. You're not used to the sushi but you're curious and you give it a try. It take a minute for you to warm up to the sushi and next thing you know, it's one of your favorite meals.

@Judy2 You're good when it comes to commenting on here. And I agree, it's important to have things to replace the screentime with instead of constantly thinking of the screentime and trying to cut down on it. That's what leades to sustainable habits. I notice that my screentime is better on days I have tons to do or if I'm out and about socializing with people or hanging out outside of home. At the same time, I think I'm doing this journal temporarily to track any patterns I am noticing on my screentime and as a form of accountability. For the longest time, I didn't want to even look at my screentime because I was scared at how bad it was so I'm just trying to acknoweldge the truth and see where to go from there

Apology accepted.

Between Friends Because I have been listening to so much music on Youtube recently, I have been getting recommendations for new artists. I found this duo called Between Friends and I'm enjoying their music. I will admit, I am enjoying the music videos more than the music itself. Part of it is that both people in this due are so beautiful to me. Another part of it is that it feels very 2008 but also very 2018 at the same time. I can't really articulate it to myself and why I feel like that. I like how chaotic and fun the first two videos feel. The last video, I'm in a trance with how good her hair looks due to the fan lmaoo.

Update on Horny Thoughts It's been 2 weeks since I have posted the above. The horniness has calmed down quite a bit. At the time I made that post, I was flicking the bean multiple times a day and sex ruled all of my thoughts to where I felt like I couldn't really focus on work. Now, I feel like I can focus on most things but I still have this horniness in the back of my mind and bean flicking has gone down to regular levels lol. But I will say that I am reading smutty romance mangas, listening to very sexually charged music, and I'm making fake scenarios in my head before going to sleep. I can confidently confirm that the main reason why I was into R is because my birth control was messing with my head. I'm especially over him after I found out the questionable shit he has done at work. That basically disgusted me and also shattered the illusion I had of him being level headed and composed. I still think R has a pretty voice though. I mainly just think about L right now. I've been reflecting on what these fantasies mean and how I can go about fulfilling them in a healthy way, both sexually and psychologically. I've had a conversation with my partner about opening up the relationship and I found that to be helpful in terms of having transparency in our sex life. I feel that just having that conversation was like having a huge weight off my shoulders because I was in a place where my thoughts were coherent enough to communicate and because I'm not secretly losing my mind in the shadows lol. I felt like the horniness settled down after that.

If this comment was made 20 years ago back when the difference between the left and the right in mainstream politics was on taxes and shit, I would agree. But in 2025, there is one side that is very clearly worse than the other. For the sake of a casual relationship, I'm not going to be too strict in terms of how politically/ personal values wise we're aligned, but there is a baseline. Excuse me for not wanting to fuck a Nazi How is prioritizing my sanity, personal safety, and values stupid tf? And wtf do you mean "rational goals?" Are you talking about how my desire to have sex with a particular kind of man and that being overshadowed by context and additional factors some how irrational? Because if there is anything that's irrational, it's having sex with people without taking anything else into consideration other than attraction and being completely ruled by your impulses.

I feel like for me, personality and decent character matters more than looks hence my current relationship and hence why I never had a "hoe phase." I meant plenty of guys in college where I was like *hey, he's cute* and then they do/say something dumb or fucked up and then I'm like *welp.... I'm not into him anymore.* I guess if I were to do something casual with no intention of a relationship, yes, I would weigh looks more but the personality/character has to be at least a 5/10. Meaning no weird right wing ideologies, not annoying, decently well adjusted, I'm not going to have to file a restraining order etc. Basically, I don't fuck crazy or stupid. It's a safety concern but it's also a moral thing (not gonna sleep with someone with values that are drastically different from mine), and a *I don't want to feel embarrassed after sleeping with someone even if they are hot* thing.

That makes sense. I think this desire to have some variety of sexual experiences is also coming from a desire to connect with different parts of myself and understand myself. I want to embrace different parts of myself I typically don't in my current relationship and see how I react to different kinds of partners. And I think in turn, it would help me have a more well rounded and exciting sexual relationship with my current partner as well. I guess my thing is that if it's starts to negatively impact him or this relationship, I'm aborting mission. Those are my priorities. I have no interest in hurting him or going behind his back to do anything which is why we're communicating to know where the boundaries are and where these desires are coming from. Even if I was dating other guys outside of this relationship, I would let them know about the situation with my current partner because I don't want to deceive them into a situation they aren't comfortable with either. That makes sense.

Attractive is subjective. There are many ways to be attractive lol. As for muscular.. not really. I guess I prefer more of a normal to skinny / normal to a little sqiushy if that makes sense lol. I like guys with shorter guys with darker features and a lot of hair.

I have talked about this with my partner in the past. We started dating when we were both 22 (we're 25 now) and since we were both late bloomers, I figured that one or both of us may have a period of time when we wanted to explore more sexually with other people even though we both love each other and have a good relationship. And since we both have a very low degree of jealousy and possessiveness, we were both open to the idea of having an open relationship. Maybe not polyamorous because that can get chaotic with having multiple people in a romantic dynamic trying to coordinate their lives together but there isn't anything wrong with casual sex. This conversation was had like 2.5 years ago. Fast forward today, I had the open relationship conversation again with him recently. He's still open to the idea of an open relationship but he personally has no urge to act on it and have sex with anyone else besides me. At the same time, he doesn't want me to restrict myself sexually or hold me back in anyway in this relationship. I guess after that conversation, I found myself thinking the power dynamics of our relationship in the event that I was sleeping around but he wasn't. Because I don't want to do this at the cost of our relationship or at the cost of hurting him or making him jealous. Like sure, sexual fulfillment is one thing and it's nice to have, but I don't think that this area is the make or break when it comes to my overall satisfaction and fulfillment in life. I know he loves me and I don't want to exploit that for the sake of my own gratification. I don't have an issue with casual sex and while I do want an open relationship in theory, I have concerns in practice. I live in the state of Texas where abortion is banned. I'm on birth control and of course I plan to use protection, but there are a lot of sketch guys out there who might try to do shit like stealthing (and god forbid I forget to take the pill that night). I have reservations regarding sleeping with random men not in a slut shaming way but in a *I'm concerned for my personal safety and I don't want to end up preganant or locked in a basement* way. I have a lot of friends who are dating around and I know that the streets are rough (and the red pill/ alpha male podcast bros have made a lot of damage in recent years) lol. So it's also like, I feel lucky that I have found a good man but I also kind of feel like meme: Like as much as I want to put myself out there and explore, I do get turned off by men who are sketchy and who have questionable characters. As a result, sometimes I wonder if I actually want to explore and I'm scared to, or if I just like the idea of exploring but I should probably stick to shitty smutty romance mangas lmaoo.

@Emerald I would especially love to hear your thoughts if you have any

7/5/2025 My screentime today was 5.5 hours. Out of that 2 hours and 45 min were for Youtube, Maps was 2 hours, Instagram was 58 min, and Hexa Sort was 2 hours. I was driving around quite a bit today. I wasn't using maps but it was just open. I was also listening to a lot of music. I also watched a couple of videos regarding the bill that had passed. I also called a friend for 2 hours and face timed with her today. During the call and while I was watching my videos, I was playing Hexa Sort. I wasn't on instagram at all today until this passed hour. I was just looking at memes tbh. Thoughts on today: The time on Youtube is kind of inflated. As I'm typing this out, the amount of time I have been spending on fucking Hexa Sort is a little concerning. I think it's my manifestation of my tiny attention span where it's like when I'm watching a video or talking on the phone, I feel like I need to be doing something with my hands. It's very much giving Reddit stories with Subway Surfers in the background. But overall, my screentime hasn't been too bad today. Something I have noticed is that my screentime is better on days when I have social stuff going on. Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend and her family for the 4th of July. Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend and his family, and later at night, I called a different friend to talk to her about shit going on at work to spill the tea lol.

I LITERALLY CANNOT SEE ANYTHING ELSE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE LMAOOO

Putting Life on a Pedestal I took notes on the concept of putting life on a pedestal in my previous post and I have since had some additional thoughts around it. Here is a recap from that post before I go into my additional thoughts: I think much of this attitude of putting life on a pedestal manifested when I was younger in my simplistic understanding in life and the grandiose attitude I had of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. In other words, this attitude presented itself in a very classic way in my teens and early 20s. But I think in my early to mid twenties, it manifests in a more inperceptible way, I think the way that I put life on a pedestal now can be seen through the lens of my anxieties rather than fantasies I escape to. I think that the at the root of my anxiety is how I overestimate the situations that are before me and I hype them up to be bigger than they are (basically putting them on a pedestal of sorts), causing me to get worked up in the process to where I don't put in my full effort. For example, I don't like doing the dishes. In my mind, it takes forever and it's this huge drain on my energy. But realistically, it only take me like 10-15 min tops to do and it's not that bad. That's a really small example. A medium sized example is dealing with some of the responsibilities I have at work. Sometimes I put off some tasks that I find tedious, annoying, and time consuming, and I make it much worse than it is up in my head. But then, when I go to do it, it takes me at most 25 min. Nevertheless, it's something that I put off dealing with until the end of the day. A larger example is me putting off the surgery that I had. Don't get me wrong, I did put it off for good reason because I was carefully thinking through it. And I hesitated right up until the end. But a week or two after surgery, I was like *you know what, that wasn't that bad. I got through it. I made it waaaay scarier in my head.* Granted, my surgery process was really smooth but I think after seeing the plethora of things that can go on via the internet during my process of doing research, it freaked me out and I was bracing for the worst. Another example that I can think of that I have written about in the post right before this one is how I tend to overestimate the people around me because they seem much more competent and put together as adults even though I know that they're not all that deep down. Like I know that I'm comparing my silliness behind the scenes to their polished exterior productions which causes me to infantilize myself and doubt myself. I overestimate the work that middle management does and I tend to think that it's harder and more stressful than it really is. I overestimate the realities of being a woman and think that I don't measure up to it or "feel like a woman" because I'm comparing my regular day to day to these broader narratives, fantasies, and stereotypes. There is a saying that all big goals are achieved by small consistent actions. But I feel like for me, because I overestimate my goals, it makes the small actions seem inconsequential which then causes me to understimate the very think that will lead me to where I want to go. That underestimation breeds a lack of action and apathy (because what's the point). And the overestimation causes me to sit idly, brewing in a state of anxiety. I'll use the job hunt as another example. I was overestimating how bad it was going to be for me personally when I was just about to graduate college. I thought it was probably going to take me 6-9 months for me to find a job and that it was going to be very mediocre. I was also freaking myself out based on what I was seeing in the economy in the mass scale. And it was to the point where I didn't want to take the small, consistent, and boring action of applying to jobs. Nevertheless, I put out like 10-20 applications, I got an offer, and I ended up getting a job 2 weeks after I graduated. I will admit, I got really lucky (I don't want this post to breed a sort of survivorship bias in me), but I was making the job hunt to be much worse than it was for my reality. I think it's good that I went in with a more realistic view of things in that I wasn't expecting an instant result of my efforts in this hyper positive, gradiose, putting the fantasy of life on a pedestal kind of way, but at the same time, I was putting the negative fantasy of the stuggles of life on a pedestal if that makes sense. I think there is merit to the whole *hope for the best and prepare for the worst* attitude I was raised with but I do think that the *prepare for the worst* portion of that attitude was emphasized much more. I think for me personally, I need to adopt the attitude of *hope for the best, acknowledge that things can go wrong and take necessary precautions, but focus on the journey in front of you rather than what you perceive it as.* I know it's not as quippy as the first saying but I think this a more balanced view for me personally.

7/4/2025 I spent 36 min on Instagram, 44 min on Tetris, and 1 hour on Hexa Sort. My iphone is saying that I spent 5 hours and 45 min on Youtube. The later sounds REALLY alarming but I was playing a lot of music today via Youtube and I did like an hour long workout using it. I was just in the mood to move and dance around today lol. I was dancing around my apartment and I was playing music as I was driving to my friend's house to spend the 4th of July with her. The commute was like 30+ min each way. I also watched a really long video from Dr. K about healthy vs unhealthy porn usuage which was like in total 2 hours and 24 min. I watched this at 2x speed while playing either tetris or hexa sort (1 hour 15 min roughly). I feel like this video was a good use of my time and I think I got some insight from it. I wouldn't say this was slop lol. So, the numbers look bad but I think my screentime wasn't the worst today. If we take out Youtube and like an hour and 15 min of games, we get 36 min on Insta and like 30 min on Tetris/Hexa Sort.

Like I really do be viewing myself like my current profile picture. I feel like a a bug eyed chihuahua with her tongue sticking out with 3 brain cells bouncing around incoherently.

(Not) Taking Myself Seriously I'm 25 years old and I still have yet to feel like a woman. I have been feeling this for quite some time now and i have been reflecting on it off and on over the last 2 ish years. I feel like a girl and I feel like an adult, but for whatever reason, I don't feel like a woman. As for the fact that I relate to girliness as a form of femininity, I think it has less to do with me having an infantilized view of femininity and more to do with how adulthood feels very gender neutral. I cook, clean, take care of my surroundings, have a job that I'm relatively good at, pay my bills on time, have boundaries and good communication skills, a few solid relationships, a sense of responsibility, and a sense of direction in my life. None of these things feel particularly gendered. I guess with girlhood, I tend to associate it with a sense of playfulness, silliness, and whimsy that comes naturally to me. So then, I started thinking about what does it mean to be woman, what images comes to mind for me, and how I may or may not be falling short on that. Because I know from the alpha male podcasts that they have a very specific view on masculinity based on a bunch of societal stereotypes that essentially gets conjured up to a caricature of masculinity they idolize and fantasize about being. And based on the Dr. K video I took notes on, I think subscribing to this fantasy instead of embracing the reality and mundaneness of masculinity is what leads a lot men to act like man children. Here is a little bit about what I wrote: So that got me thinking about what kind of fantasy and archetype of womanhood that I have picked up on and that I'm subconsciously comparing myself to. I think the first image that I get in my mind when I think being a woman is has to do with this sense of elegance and classiness. And I don't mean to be self deprecating but I don't see myself as that. I wear my authenticity on my sleeve, even if it might be rough around the edges and I put character above class, since classiness without a sense of empathy can just be classism (think judging people for using the wrong fork in a formal dining setting and how that "gives them away"). I think that the words elegance and classiness can be pretty loaded in terms of socioeconomic status, racism, and misogyny. So, I'm trying to be cognizant of that when I try to define womanhood for myself. Like I feel like content like this is the woman equivalent of the alpha male fantasies men have: I encounter shorts like this in my social media feeds. And most of the time, it's not anything particularly toxic, it's just very surface level advice in my opinion. But I want to mainly focus on the imagery around this type of content. I feel like this next couple videos are more in your face about how things like race, money, stereotypes around femininity manifest in this kind of content: Yes, because womanhood is expensive makeup and designer handbags because women be shopping lol. (bruh...the straights are not okay) The second image I get in my mind when I think of being a woman has to do with being a wife, mother, or dealing with some kind of struggle that a lot of women deal with (sexual assault, not being taken seriously, objectification, physical pain from things like birth or menstruation, being underestimated, issues in the work force because of having kids). Firstly, you can be a woman and decide that being a wife and a mother isn't for you. That doesn't make you any less of a woman. Secondly, I think it's depressing to conflate womanhood with being the victims of society's ills. I remember when i was doing some google searches on women talking about the moment they felt like woman and a sad amount of those responses dealt with things like sexual assault, getting cat called, being underestimated, or dealing with the struggles of parenthood alone because their man isn't as invested in the kids as they are. Don't get me wrong, these societal ills are experiences that ties a lot of women together, but I don't want to view womanhood only through the lens of pain and disempowerment because I feel like that further reinforces the patriarchial dynamic of women being in a subserviant position and it reinforces the narrative of "well that's just how things are." Upon further reflection, it's not so much that I feel like I'm rejecting my femininity rather I'm rejecting this sort of inauthentic performance around femininity and I'm deconstructing the narratives I've inherited around what it means to be woman so that I can hold space for nuance, and define it on my own terms. To me, womanhood isn’t earned through suffering, it isn’t a costume of Eurocentric elegance or perfection, it isn’t bound to domestic roles or external validation, and it isn’t limited to the aftermath of trauma. And I guess, since I'm so good at pointing out what womanhood is not, it's harder for me to pin down what it is and, as a result, I feel like I'm putting these amorphous standards on myself. And because the standards are amorphous, they don't feel like a huge pressure or anything, but more so a vibe of me just feeling like an awkward gremlin. I guess the other thing is that, as far as connotations go, "Girl" can feel more playful, free, or unformed while "Woman" can feel more serious, composed, or defined. And I think one of my problems is that I don't take myself seriously all that much. I think that enables me to be playful and light hearted, and there is a sense of resiliance and warmth that comes from that. Like I'm just little silly goose on the loose lol. But I recognize that this can become a problem, firstly in the sense that I'm most definitely an adult and I shouldn't infantilize myself as that can be an excuse to shirk responsibility, and secondly, I can be selling myself short and underestimate myself, especially in a professional setting which can lead to being mistreated and walked all over. I have a good chunk of coworkers right now who are around my age. And sometimes, I just feel like a kid amongst them. This is especially true when it comes to guys my age. And I've even caught myself feeling kind of incompetent next to them even though guys like R and N have been consistently underperforming and acting tf up, professionally and personally. What I'm trying to figure out is why am I feeling this way despite it not really having a basis in reality. I think it comes down to how I don't really take myself seriously. At work, I don't take my competence that seriously because I'm working at a basic office job and I'm just sending emails. What I do feels really basic and bare minimum tbh even if my boss is happy with my work and is hyping me up. I guess I downplay the work that I do because in the grand scheme of things, I know that office work is often over hyped in terms of skill and socioeconomics and riddled with false emergencies. I do not need to be having a panic attack at work. I'm saving files, not lives. I don't think that's an unhealthy manifestation of not taking work seriously. But I do think that I have this tendency of overestimating the people around me while underestimating myself. To an extent, the stuff my boss shared about R was a shocking. Again, And to be fair, the guy does have an air of confidence around him and part of that is valid because he is competent at his job. The other part of it is him being a delusional white man. Since I didn't know about his shenanigans, I thought that maybe he was being young and dumb. It's both our first corporate jobs and I can admit that I'm still trying to figure out how to socially navigate things and I can understand if he's trying to do the same. But turns out, he's also shady af and tries to weasel his way into higher positions and out of doing the actual work. I was not privy to any of this because I'm not really getting to know him like that. I'm just reacting to the facade. Apparently, R is the type to start acting up when someone is a gateway to something he wants and he gets agressive/ salty because he cannot take no for an answer (which also raises red flags in my head on how this may manifest in other areas of his life). I guess he was able to hide that tendency around me and my other coworkers because we cannot do anything for him in terms of upward mobility. But he did have this tendency to ignore my messages every time I had questions about something when I first got hired. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed he was busy because at the time, he had more responsibilities (or that he secretly hates me, which I don't mind because same). And then I stopped going to him. But apparently, he does that to everyone and he's still doing that despite not having much on his plate... so that's kind of sus. And he has a condescending attitude with some other coworkers (again, I didn't encounter this because typically I just keep my distance because he gave me bad vibes early on). But yeah, I think it's worth examining why I and I'm sure other people can look at R and think of him as particularly competent despite that not being the case while I'm sitting here doubting myself. There are a good amount of people in their mid to late 20s in middle management positions at this company. And it just feels kind of weird to me because I don't really see myself in that same lens of competency and because for a large chunk of time, I just thought that those people (in other teams and locations) were 30+ based on the vibe I got from them. Granted, I do think that everyone, including myself, has some kind of facade at work to maintain professionalism. And I guess, that I'm just comparing my bloopers and silly mistakes to everyone else's polished exteriors. I know that this tendency is common on social media when you're literally viewing someone's highlight reel but I think it's a social tendency that predates the internet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I also think another area of my life where I don't take myself seriously is my sexuality. I think part of it is healthy in that I can acknowledge the awkwardness and silliness around sex and approach it in a lighthearted, authentic way that doesn't come off as intimidating or performative. Like, girl, I cannot put up a seductive, Jessica Rabbit-esq persona. I feel ridiculous doing that. I think part of it feels like such a caricature of a woman's sexuality from the eyes of a man that it feels silly to engage with it. But I think another part of it is that I don't see myself as someone who is sexually appealing. It's not that I think I'm ugly, it's that I think I just give off a very neutral vibe. I think it's difficult for me to see myself through that lens. I don't see myself as someone who is attractive in a serious sense. Another reason why I don't take myself seriously in a sexual sense is because of my current relationship with X. Again, it's very lighthearted, playful and silly, and that carries a sense of warmth to me that makes me feel like I can open up, emotionally or sexually, without pressure. I'm also VERY ticklish physically so a lot of things that would typically turn someone on just makes me laugh. In contrast, I have been reflecting on the fantasies that have been coming up with L. Compared to my current relationship, the fantasies are more deep, sensual, and traditionally romantic. I find myself thinking about the physical sensation how my face would warm up or how my hands would feel tingly and shaky around the slightest interaction around L years ago. I haven't felt like that about a person physically since. I imagine the physical sensation of running my fingers through his hair on his head but also on the rest of his body. I imagine getting all dressed up, going on a nice dinner with him, having a good conversation, and going home only to have him take everything off. And this feels weird to type out, but in those fantasies, I feel like a woman. It's weird because first of all, my view on womanhood isn't limitted to a sense of sexuality/ sensuality, and second of all, I have those elements in my current relationship sexually as well as the dates I go on with X. But I wouldn't say that my overall dynamic with X serious and traditionally romantic. Like, we're both like giant kids around each other. And I don't think that it's a coincidence that I'm having these fantasies around L especially since L is older by at least a decade. As for the relationship between womanhood and a sense of sensuality/sexuality, I think what differentiates it from girliness is that sense of seriousness as opposed to lighthearted whimsy. I also think that my fantasy of craving something or someone more stern/cold also comes from me craving this sense of seriousness as well. I feel a little awkward in taking myself seriously in life as a whole. I'm a little nervous about coming off as cringy or that I care too much about things that don't really matter. I don't want to have this sense of self-importance or ego that causes people to be a caricature of themselves because they take themselves too seriously. I guess I'm still trying to find this balance of taking myself seriously as an adult but not having that come at the cost of my sense of authenticity.

R just got passed up for a promotion that he has been pining for the last 2 years, he's going bald at 25, and he's being moved away from my team so I'm not gonna have to deal with his bitch ass. I also talked to my boss about what happened when he got passed up for the promotion and turns out everyone in my team secretly hates him and he tends to leave a trail of mess everywhere he goes and he's waaay dumber and more impulsive than what I gave him credit for. Anyways, life's good and karma is real.

@MuadDib Huh.. I didn't know there was a grown up version of that kid doing the same video