soos_mite_ah

I've been exploring my sexuality and what I do and don't find attractive for a while but I've been doing that more lately. I think about sex and intimacy WAAAYY more than I want to admit and I think I'm at a point where I need a outlet to lay out all of my thoughts. I don't know what kinds of posts I'm going to do or where this is going to lead but I hope that I can utilize my pent up energy and make something constructive out of it. A little background: I have considered myself asexual from the age of 14 to 21. That has had a huge impact on my relationship with my sexuality. Now I'm in a place where I'm questioning my orientation mainly because I'm on birth control now and the pill is messing with my hormones and my head. I thought I was very sure about my sexual orientation but I guess tf not. I'm just rethinking a lot of things tbh. Also, I find the topic of attraction really interesting as a whole and the way that different dynamics interplay with one another and how a lot of things regarding sexuality, though they may seem raw and unfiltered, don't exist in a vacuum. This has been kind of a side interest that I enjoy talking about with people but it wasn't anything that I looked into on my own until now since I'm getting interested in all of this more. So yeah... let's see where this journal goes

I wanted a poll version of Leo's topic lol.

Self-Consent and Internalized Messages One thing that this website and pickup messaging made me feel was that sex and sexual acts were a requirement in a romantic relationship. That if you’re not pleasing your man sexually, then they have no point in being with you. And I am aware that this is very objectifying and transactional way of looking at relationships yet that is the messaging that I found myself internalizing after viewing pickup related content. I have debated whether or not to post this because I want to preserve the privacy of my partner even though this is an anonymous internet forum. But after writing this, I thought that this is important to share given the influence of pick up on this forum and because I did censor out the more private/personal parts of my sexual relationship. I have been with my current partner for 2.5 years now. We started dating back in May 2022 and we didn’t have sex until August 2023 even though we did do other things in the meantime. Much of it was down to me feeling anxious in my body and afraid of getting pregnant despite using protection and being on birth control because of the abortion ban in Texas. I was afraid of the possibility of something going wrong, like the condom breaking or me taking my birth control to early or late, and that resulting in a pregnancy that would ruin my life. I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't have waited this long had Roe v. Wade not been over turned. I felt ready to have sex in this relationship like 3 months in but I just didn't feel physically safe due to the overturning. We started having sex once a month, a week before my period. During the week of my period, when taking birth control, I’m on some placebo pills. The placebo pills don’t prevent pregnancy, so you can get pregnant on that week, but they are there to regulate your menstrual cycle and so you can have your period that week. We would have sex the week before the placebo pills so I would still be on birth control but I wouldn’t be waiting too long before I got my period. I knew that I wanted to have the confirmation of having my period within a few days having sex. That way I wasn’t going to be anxious for 2+ weeks after having sex to see if my period was going to come. The first 3-4 times doing this, I was anxious after sex. Despite taking precautions, I felt like I couldn’t trust my body since the safety net of abortion, the last resort emergency solution, was taken from me. After doing this a few times, I found myself feeling comfortable with my body and not being anxious about the possibility of pregnancy anymore. After that, my partner and I started having sex about 2x a month. I brought this up with my partner and how I felt about not having sex more often. I felt like this was fine for my sex drive, but I felt this pressure since I had this thing in my mind that told me that most couples have sex 2-3x a week. He told me that he wished that we could have it more often, but it wasn’t something that was particularly bothering him. To be fair, we don’t live together, and we see each other about twice a week. He spends the night at my place like once or twice a month. We’re not one of those couples who are attached at the hip due to geographical difference and due to having a life lol. I feel like we would be having sex more frequently if we lived together. But that is not to say we’re not affectionate with one another. We’re always kissing and cuddling when we’re around each other. He told me that us having sex like once or twice a month was alright and is what works for us as a couple and that we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to other people. I think I internalized this fantasy of what a relationship should look like based on the experiences of what people in this forum expressed as ideal. It’s not that there is anything wrong with expressing that a person might want to have sex more frequently, like a few times a week, but it's more so this assertion that you can’t have a relationship without it. There were a handful of times where I felt like I had to have sex even though I didn’t feel like it, because I was afraid that I was depriving my partner since we haven’t had sex in a while. There were a couple times when my partner caught that I was forcing myself to have sex and had to tell me that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do and we just opted to cuddle for the rest of the night instead. There were also a couple times where I was having some difficulties physically and I didn’t want to go on and he reassured me saying that he’s in this relationship because he cares about me and not because of whether he can have sex with me. He said that he would still love me and want to be in a relationship with me even if we never have sex again. I can’t say that this felt incredibly romantic. It isn’t romantic for someone to tell you that you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with and that they will still love you even if you don’t have sex with them. That’s just being a decent person who doesn’t want to violate the person they love and doesn’t view the relationship as transactional. It’s the bare minimum. But, I will say, it felt reassuring more than anything else. It felt like a reality check I needed to cleanse myself of the misogynistic brain rot the alpha males of the internet have spewed. I understood early on before getting exposed to this content that sex means something different for different people. It can carry varying degrees of importance in a relationship, which is why it’s important to find someone who is compatible in that way. For some people, sex is a really important part of a relationship. For others, it’s not as important and it’s a nice bonus. But in the same way that pickup makes you think there is only one way to be attractive as a woman, it does also make you think there is only one way to be in a (let’s be real, heterosexual) relationship. That fucked me up for a while. I would say that my partner honors consent with me better than me honoring consent from myself. There were times where I felt insecure about my sexual performance because I didn’t want to have sex super frequently and because I had some physical issues here and there that made sex uncomfortable. And I always knew porn wasn’t an accurate depiction of sex. Most of those positions just look uncomfortable even if they look good on camera. But I still felt like I was somehow underperforming in this relationship or being a bad girlfriend because I wasn’t this confident and competent sex god that is capable to doing various acrobatics and twisting myself into a pretzel. It took me a minute but eventually I got to a place where I made peace that my partner and I are both alright with the frequency we were having sex and that I shouldn’t get wrapped up in the potential performance of expectations of what other couples may or may not be doing. It mainly took reassurance from my partner and me distancing my intake of the alpha male/ pick up type of content since it wasn’t healthy for me and was setting unrealistic expectations given the context of this relationship.

AAAAAAND THIS JOURNAL IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED I don't mind additional comments on here and I will respond but I will be moving my journaling to my new journal. There will be no new journal entries on my part here. Here is my new journal:

I’ve been meaning to start a new journal because The Joy Journal is getting too long and I want a fresh start. I also came up with a better title for my journal after a couple months of starting my first journal. I originally went into that one not knowing where my journaling would lead and as a result, I didn’t really pick the best title and I caught myself cringing a little lol. But yeah I’m fixing that problem as well as giving myself a new start since the last journal has too many posts to where I even have trouble keeping up with it and organizing my thoughts.

2025 Goals Apply for new jobs to get a job that utilizes my major and makes $120,000 in D.C. Study for the GMAT Get a better wardrobe Get back into working out (walking, weighlifting, yoga/ pilates) 3-5x a week Start volunteering again Figure out how the new job will work with your relationship and your lease Host Thanksgiving Get over my social anxiety and get answers regarding whether I have autism or not and what to do about that Get comfortable making Indian food by making something once a week Plan my next trip Make more friends who are fun weird and not questionable weird Read one book a month

Just added a 0 as an option. I didn't know that in the polls all the questions are mandatory lol.

Sorry for the late ish response. I took some time to watch some of their content. They seem pretty solid. Thanks for the recommendation Yeah.. I do think that this is urgent and a problem. I don't mean to minimize that but I think as a collective we have come back from larger back slides and I do have faith for the future in the long run. But short term, it's gonna get worse and a lot messier before it gets better. I appreciate this too. I started watching it and I'm like an hour in. It's gonna take me a minute lol.

Not Writing in this Journal / Cringe I decided to close one of my journals since it was getting too long and it was getting difficult to navigate. I also decided to close up that journal because I felt like I changed a lot from when I first started it and I wanted to start a new journal as a clear demarcation for this new place I'm at in my life. I also wanted to use the demarcation as a separation of sorts because I'm experiencing a healthy dose of cringe from my previous content. And now that I think of it more, yes that cringe was coming from that journal but I also feel like a lot of it is coming from here as well so I want to reflect on that. I read through much of my writing in this journal and I have some thoughts. 1. Sex feels very mundane and doesn't really occupy my mind much. I tried to watch porn for the first time in a while. Not surprisingly, it felt kind of boring because of the way it's not really shot in a way to appeal to women. I journaled about this in the past: But also, I think since I have sex more regullarly since first starting this journal, it just became part of life really. Sure it's enjoyable but it isn't this elusive, special thing that I want to psychoanalyze. I also don't usually think of sex anymore unless I have been away from my partner for a while. I remember before entering this relationship it was one of those things that was constantly on my mind but I'm glad that I have more mental space now lol. I'm embarrassed about horny posting a few times in this journal years ago. I'm going to go into talking about privacy in a minute but with a greater emphasis of privacy I have now in these matters, it feels kind of cringe to just be horny posting. Granted, I remember this being worse but as I read through this journal I probably found less than 10 posts where I found myself cringing at. That's not too bad since this journal has more than 180 posts. I'm not even going to bother deleting these posts becuase even though it's not an accurate reflection of who I am now, it was an accurate reflection at a certain point of time and I want to own up to it even though it is a little cringe. I think when you're in your late teens / early 20s it's pretty normal at that stage to be talking about and thinking about sex a lot even in more crude ways. I think it's more to do with sex being a relatively new thing for most people at that age and they're beginning to think more critically about it and figure it out for themselves. But I feel like as you get older, you have figured out much of this for yourself, and you have a more long term partner that discussing this feels like you're making a big deal out of the mundane and that you want to prioritize privacy more. 2. I'm hesitant to talk about my sexuality and my challenges when it comes to sex in this journal since I have been with my current partner for a while and I want to respect his privacy. I have encountered a few challenges here and there when it came to our sex lives from differing drives, physical health concerns, and just some of weird messages I have internalized from this forum and being exposed to pick up related content. I guess I have been hesitant to write about sex, not because I think it's dirty, shameful, immoral, or something I'm supposed to keep hidden away but because a lot of my experiences do closely involve another person in my life. I guess it's more about the way I go about explaining things and the amount of personal information I unveil on the internet. Maybe some things are best to journal privately first and then figure out how much I want to be open with. 3. I'm not as kinky as I thought I was way back when. I wrote about this numerous other journal posts but one thing I didn't really touch on is how the sexualization of fear doesn't resonate with me at all. I wrote in earlier posts on how there was a part of me that felt turned on by being a little nervous and tensed up and I feel like that's not the case anymore. I was writing from a place of anticipation and lack of experience and now that I'm more comfortable with myself and I know how I carry myself in these situations due to more experience, it simply doesn't appeal to me.

Table of Contents: Page 1 Dealing with Collective Trauma Liminal Stages Clicking with People and Trying to Make Friends Part 1: Leftists Clicking with People and Trying to Make Friends Part 2: High on Openness Gen Z Crackhead Humor Reflections: July 2020 to March 2021 Redefining Common Points of Self Improvement Feeling Profoundly Stupid Being Pushed in a Certain Direction Getting Back Into the Flow of Things Elements of Doomer Mentality Envy, COVID, and Rich Conservative White Kids HealthyGamerGG Temperature Check Part 1: Spiral Check Temperature Check Part 2: Ego Development Check Disassociation Imposter Syndrome Birthday Blues Page 2 Terrible Boomer Career Advice How Do People Even Get Themselves Into These Situations? Key Take Aways Part 1 Key Take Aways Part 2 Revisiting a Past Version of Myself Grounded Astrology and the Timing of My Own Life 555 Angel Numbers Personal / Professional Boundaries in My Writing Healthy relationships Part 1: Common Themes Who TF Would I Be Without the Internet Page 3 The Normalization of Drugs in Adult Life Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years My View of Long Term Goals Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years The Sad White Girl Trope Acknowledging that this Semester was Rough for Me Thoughts on Motherhood Goals for Next Year: Past Reflections Goals for Next Year: Where to Go From Here Parasocial Relationships Page 4 Relational Trauma Experiential and Factual Truth Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can’t Have Bad Days Some Videos I Really Like I SHOULD’VE BEEN A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Brief Life Update (1/11/22) How This Forum Influences My View on Men Zyzz Healing Your Inner Child Page 5 Media Consumption Analysis 2021: Life Experience Content? Media Consumption Analysis: Commentary Channels / Video Essays Media Consumption Analysis: Self Development Channels A Brief Life Update Featuring **Mild Depression** Mild Depression Learning from Old Relationships The Hellscape that was the Early 2000s My Current Routines Taking Stock of My Social Circle Who TF Are Y’all Hanging Out With???? I’m Getting My Hunger Cues Back !!!! Page 6 Finally Getting Over Myself Spiral Check April 2022 Kardashian Memes I Associate with Sections on this Forum The Beginnings of a More Spontaneous soos_mite_ah My Main Life Goals Random Little Thoughts Reflections From This Year 2022 What Does the Next Chapter of My Life Look Like Spiral Check October 2022 Ego Development Check October 2022 Page 7 List of Fears, Insecurities, and Triggers Ego Development Check Pt. 2 Thoughts on Graduating College Luxury Tiktok Compilations My First Job Out of College Posts I want to think about more The Happiness Spectrum Fake Growth v. Real Growth Surviving Capitalism How are Things Going with My New Job Coping Under Capitalism Part 1: A Desire for Meaning Coping Under Capitalism Part 2: A Grain of Salt Thoughts on Having a Kid Where do I want to Live Page 8 Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt. 1 Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.2 Leaning into Boredom How Aligned Am I To My Top Values My Frugal Relationship with Money Listening to my Inner Teenager Impulsive Intrusive Thoughts Lefty Self Help The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. Some Videos I Liked Page 9 My Changing Relationship to Writing My Hobbies and Interests Throughout the Years Mass Shootings Secondary PTSD: The Victims Coping Healing? That Funny Feeling Spiral and Ego Development Check Strategist, Construct Aware, and Unitive Stage Thinking of my 16 Year Old Self Page 10 I MOVED OUT OF MY PARENT’S HOUSE!!! Thoughts on Moving Out A Reflection on My Habits from Earlier This Year Things I’ve Figured Out Careerwise My Dreams Have Died How Aligned Am I To My Top Values A More Materialistic Phase in My Life? The 2000s The Toxicity of the 2010s The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 1 Thoughts on 1 Month Living Alone The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 2 More Thoughts on Motherhood Thoughts on Adulthood Thoughts on Womanhood Aging Page 11 Self-Infantilization 23 22 Palestine My Understanding of What is Going On Some Spiritual Thoughts Materialism Boycott Fatigue Cynicism and Desensitization The Mundane is Anything But Emotional Processing Update: Being Okay with Being Okay Emotional Processing Update: The Timeline of My Grief Part 1 Emotional Processing Update: The Timeline of My Grief Part 2 Thoughts on Advocacy Emotional Neglect Proximity to Violence The Aesthetic of Womanhood 1 Year Working in my Corporate Job My Trip to the North East Page 12 My Trip with My Dad Things I Want to Discuss in Therapy Media Consumption Analysis 2023 The Dread Additional Income Looking Back at Past Posts Reducing My Media Consumption Growing Pains Being Happy vs Being Right: Family Matters Being Happy vs Being Right: Plastic Surgery Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s – 90s Edition But also, the past SUCKS My Dream Lifestyle My Inner Teenager and Her Bad Habits The Ways I Gentle Parent Myself An Update on the Dread Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer Page 13 Some Videos I've Liked: I am not my type and that is ok Ramadan 2024 3/12/24 5:30 am: Reflections after Day 1 (3/11) 3/13/24 7:04 am: Reflections after Day 2 (3/12) 3/14/24 On and off from 6:30 am to 10 am: Reflections after Day 3 (3/13) 3/15 1:30 pm: Reflections after Day 4 (3/14) 3/16 1 pm: Reflections from Day 5 (3/15) 3/17 4:50 pm: Reflections after Day 6 (3/16) Lines of Development Lines of Development: Where to Grow from Here Not Wanting to Move to Stage Turquoise 3/18 6:05 pm: Reflections After Day 7 (3/17) and Day 8 (3/18) 3/20 9:15 pm: Reflections from Day 9 and 10 3/21: Day 11 Reflection 11:31 am 3/23 1pm : Day 12 Reflection from 3/22 3/24: Reflections after Day 13 (3/23) and Day 14 (3/24) 3/26 10 pm: Reflections After Day 15 (3/25) Page 14 3/26 10pm: Reflections After Day 16 (3/26) 3/27 7pm: Reflections after Day 17 (3/27) 4/5 2:15 am: Reflections after Day 18(3/28) through Day 24 (4/4) 4/5 2:40 am: Reflections from Day 25 (4/4) 4/6 6:40 pm: Reflections from Day 26 (4/5) and Day 27 (4/6) 4/8 4:45pm: Reflections from Day 28 (4/7) 4/8 11:00pm Reflections from Day 29 (4/8) 4/9 4:30 pm: Reflections from Day 30 (4/9) The Limitations of Leftist Policies A Wealth of Experiences Travelling to Every Country Places I feel like I don't have the guts to go to A National Park Wedding 3 weeks Post Ramadan May 2024 Page 15 Integrating the Life Purpose Course Found a few quote under a youtube video that I liked and wanted to take note of: The Toxic Hedonism of Male Travel Vloggers A Little Mid-Year Check In Upper Middle Class Mastery vs the Ordinary Material Things that Greatly Helped My Inner Work Feeling 17 Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism How the Passage of Time In Adulthood is Fucking Me Up I Feel Stupid for Wanting to Prioritize Platonic Connections My Quarter Life Crisis Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel The Election Touching Grass Promotion Fame Why Everything is an Ad? Luxury Travel Page 16 You Think You Just Fell Out of a Coconut Tree? You Can Play with Your Friends After School Friendship Breakup Money as Freedom Post Travel Blues; Anti-Capitalist Angst Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel + Answers So Far Election Grief Loneliness and Social Media Addiction Career Thoughts Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Cozy Animals A Simpler Time Positives and Negatives for 2024 Deconstructing Self Help New Experiences While Travelling Part 1: Qatar and India New Experiences While Travelling Part 2: Vietnam and South Korea Wah! Luigi! Media Consumption Analysis Page 17 Starting A New Journal Table of Contents

Starting A New Journal I've been wanting to start a new journal for several reasons. Firstly, this journal is getting too long and I feel like I need to move for organizational purposes. I want to also have a table of contents section as I did with my previous journal titled "The Joy Journal" prior to closing that journal out. Secondly, I have been journaling in this journal for more than 3 years and I think I have changed a lot as a person to where I want a space where I can start fresh in. And what better time to do that than around New Years. I have been experiencing this degree of healthy cringe towards my older posts, think like back to 2021/2022 since I was in a different place in my life on many levels from cognitively, emotionally, as well as in my life circumstances. Part of me wishes I could scrub my activity on this website clean so I can start anew since a lot of my posts don't reflect who I am right now. But I'm not going to do that. They still represent my authenticity and what I stand for even though I am more private about a lot of things in my life now and present myself differently vs my posts pre 2023. Instead, I think having a new journal as a demarcation will be sufficient ,

Media Consumption Analysis 2024 1. Vaush I feel like I have been watching a lot of Vaush's videos since the genocide in Gaza started. I was already watching his content prior but since then I haven been watching more of his videos and also in occasion, I do tune into his +2 hour long streams if it's about a topic that particularly interest me. I don't agree with everything he says but I do like his over all coverage of the news as well as his analysis since in most cases they are pretty air tight. At the very least I like having him as a jumping off point for me to delve in a topic more. 2, Educational channels on personal finance and global issues I don't have a lot of channel examples for this but I did really enjoy the content from the channels above and I feel like they reflect my current interests. 3. Psychology Channels I feel like I use these channels like 30% for self help reasons and 70% because I'm actually interested in the content and it's more educational/ entertaining. I also wrote in a previous post how I have been moving away from self help and I have in turn been turning to more reputable sources from people who have the education background to be giving such information and counselling to get away from how pop psychology can misappropiate various terms and concepts. 4. Video Essays I have a list of creators I tend to gravitate towards. I can't list them all out but I do feel like a large chunk of my media diet comes from that despite there not being one particular creator that really stands out since a lot of video essay people don't post super frequently. 5. Creators that focus on the overconsumption problem in social media I often find myself having this sort of content on in the background as they can be a bit repetitive. But I find myself gravitating towards them since I'm angsty about late stage capitalism and what I see pushed in the mainstream via social media and this type of content makes me feel validated in my emotions and like I'm not going crazy lol. 6. Tiktok I feel like my tiktok algorithm is like a hodge podge of the categories I have listed above but in short form content. I like having tiktok to be up to date on memes, some mindless entertainment here and there, and to talk to friends about things we have been seeing on the internet. That said, I do try to limit the degree of which I engage with short form content since I notice that if I'm engaging with short form content too much, I can get anxious and scattered brained.

Wah! Luigi! So everyone has been talking about the United Healthcare CEO getting shot down and I realized that I never talked about it in my journal despite it taking up a lot of the space in my mind lately. Listen, I don't think vigilante justice is the answer nor do I condone it.... but I will say.... this felt kind of satifying. It also basically a performance art piece in the way that he was competent, had the "Deny, Defend, Deposte" etched on the bullets, had a whole backpack full of Monopoly money, and how he got caught in a McDonalds, a restaurant that does Monopoly themed happy meals, near the Pennsylvania Railway, a location that is present in the Monopoly game. There is also the 286 theory which I have seen circulating around. I don't completely buy it, but it is entertaining: My favorite part of this is that despite being such a divided country politically over the last 8-9 years, people on both sides of the political spectrum are uniting around this guy. I'm glad that we can finally agree on something and decide on the real villain on this situation. Also there are the people who are making memes and thrist traps on this guy. I always thought it was weird when some people make thirst traps on serial killers and the such but I feel like it's valid in this situation lol. First of all, he is actually kind of cute (hell even my mom was like *he's a good looking young man* lol) and second of all, he only killed one person while the CEO was basically killing around 50,000 people every year systemically by denying health care claims while making the lives of millions miserable on top of that. I'm glad this was also done by a rich white man since this is not going to get racialized or politicized in the same way had this been a person of color, poor person, or someone who is other wise sociatally disadvantaged. It also feels poetic in the way that he is a class traitor in that he is an upper class person who killed another upper class person and the person in the McDonalds who turned him in is also a class traitor as well in that it's a lower class person who is acting against their interest. Again, this feels like a performance arts piece lol. It's funny to see the media scambling to try their best to make this guy look bad through the way that they're framing the story, the way they're drawing him in court, and the walk they made him do with the cops around him. It's just making it clear as day that the media is biased in favor of the ruling class, that the people aren't buying it, and that nothing is sticking to this guy. If anything, he just looks cooler. I also thought this video was pretty insightful regarding the media framing and what that means. Finally, I feel like I spent much of November coming to terms with and mourning the election results. I'm not exactly happy or optimistic about the future. But I will say, Luigi did lift my spirits just a little bit and I feel like I'm going into the new year a little lighter. I don't think vigilante justice is going to lead to lasting change but hey, at least it's an entertaining start to the next season of America after the previous anticlimactic season finale flopped.

New Experiences While Travelling Part 2: Vietnam and South Korea My relatives thought it was interesting that I decided to go to Vietnam and Korea as they are two countries that America had proxy wars with during the Cold War. I just wanted to choose a country in South East Asia and another country in East Asia. When it comes to South East Asia, my first choice was Thailand but due to the weather I decided against it since I would have shown up during rainy season. I chose Vietnam, north Vietnam to be more specific, due to the weather in South East Asia. I also chose the north over the south because the north is more rural and has more natural beauty and that's been something that has been appealing to me more when it comes to travelling. The north is also more traditional and also more diverse and in my eyes, both of those things are a plus when it comes to getting to know a place. For East Asia, I chose South Korea because of my time restraints. I would be able to do a good comprehensive trip in one week in South Korea since it is a smaller country whereas China is waaaay too big and Japan would need like a good 2 weeks. Plus, South Korea is a more cost effective option compared to Japan. I also wanted to go to both South Korea and Vietnam because there is a large immigrant population from both countries in the Dallas metroplex and I grew up hearing stories from the people around me about both of those places. Vietnam My first impression of Hanoi is that it was calmer than India. I know people who travel from 1st world countries are always talking about how Hanoi is crammed, how it's so difficult to cross the street, etc. and for me, it felt like nothing compared to India. I figured out how to cross chaotic streets while pandal hopping in Kolkata and this felt like nothing because there weren't as many people and the streets were smaller. Navigation wasn't bad at all so long as I had Google maps and a good translator. I had my accommodations, travel, and itinerary figured out though a travel agent who booked my experience as a part of a package. I also had time in between the activities to do my own thing as well so that was nice. I did this because this is my first time travelling in a developping country by myself and I didn't know where my skills were at regarding getting around so I thought to do this so that I can get a better idea of where I was at and dip my feet in rather than diving head first in the deep end of the pool. I realized that in most cases I can show up in a country, even a developping country, and do what I need to do so long as I have my accommodations figure out, I have a map, and a translator. For developping countries, however, if I want to do something that is more rural or nature oriented, then it's a good idea to do that through a tour in my opinion. Vietnam, as well as Laos and Cambodia, were previously known as the French Indochina during the colonial days. However, I do believe that this is accurate way of describing the culture at first glance since I felt like Vietnam had elements of French, Indian, and Chinese culture. I'm glad I went to France before I went to Vietnam because I was able to see the French influences in Hanoi especially from the architecture, the seating arrangements outside of restaurants in the streets, and their iconic Banh Mi. The hotel that I stayed in Hanoi had a lot of French influences in the styling of the rooms and even in the cuisine which I was able to clock and appreciate in a different light. The Chinese influences are pretty in your face regarding the architecture, the cuisine, Confucianism in the pagodas, and the old writing form. After all, China did control Vietnam for a good thousand years. But when it comes to the Indian influences, I feel like they are more understated compared to Chinese and French influences to the point where most people overlook it. In South East Asia, there is an understanding that the closer you are to India towards the west, the more influence it will have while the closer you are to China and the farther east you are, the more Chinese influence you will see. Vietnam is the South East Asian country that is closest to China. However, I feel like for the Indian influences, it's very much a *if you know, you know* kind of deal which was fun for me because I felt like I was on the inside joke. For example, in both India and Vietnam, we have this mannerism that if you were to hand someone somehing, you cannot do it with your left hand. In Vietnam, it's preferrable to do it with both hands while in India we don't do this extra step. In the pagodas in Vietnam, or even in the shrines in the hotels, I saw that in the praying area that people would leave food as prasad. That's something that Hindu people also do as well. The altar area also looked similar to what I grew up with. The difference is that in Vietnam, people be putting what ever they want there. Yes, traditionally, it used to be something like fruits or sticky rice but now people leave everything from snack cakes in a package to cans of beer. I found that amusing. In Hinduism, we still stick to fruits and traditional Indian sweets as offerrings but there was one time where I went to a more westernized temple and they gave the gods brownies instead lol. Beer is just not something that you expect lol. Speaking of religion, only 15% of Vietnam's population is Buddhist. Most of the population practices the philosophies of Confucianism and partake in ancestor worship. I thought it was also interesting that for immediate family members they also do celebrations of a person's birthday as well as their death anniversary. That's something that I grew up with as well but it wasn't so much in the context of worshipping deceased relatives rather it was to honor their memory. Nevertheless, the practice is the same. I also went to Hanoi's Museaum of Ethnography which went into the cultural practices in Vietnam and talked about the ethnic miniorities there. My favorite part of the museaum's exhibition was how they had replicas of what different village houses looked like based on their regional location as well as the geography of the area. Some of the houses looked similar to what I find in rural India or at the very least had the same vibe. I also remember walking around and there was this one Vietnamese girl who was there with a foreigner who was saying how her grandparents used to live in a house similar to the ones here and she would visit them growing up. That struck a chord with me because while my grandparents didn't live in rural areas while I was alive, I did also visit like the rural villages they did live in prior to even my parents being born. Finally, I also feel like traditional Vietnamese clothes kind of look similar to some traditional Indian clothes as well. I did do a double take a few times because the only difference between traditional Vietnamese clothes and like, a kurta for example is the in Vietnam, the neckline is different and higher up while the hemline is longer. Apart from Hanoi, I also went to Ninh Binh and Sapa. I did a lot of hiking and biking in the country side in Ninh Binh and I feel like that was one of the most enjoyable part of this trip. It was so beautiful out there and I just felt like a kid again as I was exploring this on my own. Sapa was an interesting place. I do think it's worth visiting to see the rice fields as they are very beautiful but I do think that the predatory nature of the tourism industry is like front and center of this place. I talked about this more in this post, particularly in question 12: Finally, I went on a Halong Bay cruise as a part of my package. It was a very beautiful place but I do believe that 1, cruises aren't really my thing and 2, the cruise was overly touristy to where it felt like I was being coddled as a tourist rather than furthering my understanding of the area. Again, refer to the section quotes above. I also got to go canoeing which was an interesting experience. I don't think canoeing is my thing but I enjoyed trying something new anyway. I think the thing that made me not like the cruise is how I felt like I was back in my wealthy white college bubble again with the same kind of people I encountered there. I was also like one of 2 POCs other than the service people there as well so there is that. South Korea My experience of Seoul was a little chaotic. I had some issues in immigration that made the wait time longer and I ended up being late to my tour. My flight landed at 5:30 and my tour was at 9 so I thought I had plenty of time since it took about an hour and a half to get to my hostel. After some delays, I got to my hostel at like 8:30 and I thought I was making good time until the tour called me and said I was late since they were making their rounds to pick people up. I had to think fast, find the hostel, drop my stuff up, get a cab and get to the first location of the tour. Mind you, I have no idea where I'm at, I don't speak the language, and I never called a cab before so it was a lot at once. But it gave me the confidence to be able to figure shit out in a situation like that. During the tour we went to the palaces in Seoul, a market place, a couple museaums, a ginseng store, and a restaurant for lunch. It was also pouring rain during the entire time. I had my umbrella and I wasn't cold but from the ankle down I was completely soaked by the end of the tour. I nevertheless enjoyed the tour since I learned a lot about Korean history as well as what things were like prior to Japanese colonization. I didn't do anything during that evening since I was exhausted, I needed to be up early the next day, my shoes were soaked and needed to dry, and it was still pouring. The reason why I needed to be up early the next day was because I had another tour booked to go to the DMZ and the tour started at 6 am. I also had to go to the laundromat about 15 min away from the hostel and put my shoes in the dryer for a little bit so they are less soaked. So I had to wake up at 4 am to do all of this. I hated waking up that early and wandering around semi-lost at that hour but the tour and not having wet shoes was worth it lol. The South Korean side of the border was interesting in that they did a good job at not making the place seem scary or depressing despite the history there. We went to Imigink park first which is a park right near the border but not at the demilitarized zone. The place was very solomn and was essentially a Korean War memorial where you can go and learn about the war, the required military service of the country, as well as the desire to reunify with North Korea. It was definitely an educational experience. At the actual demilitarized zone, we went to the observatory there and you can see beyond the border into North Korea. I wasn't able to use the binoculars to get a closer look due to the *North Korea sending bags of poop incident.* That part of the observatory was closed. We also got to go inside a tunnel that North Korea was trying to make to get to the South Korea, particularly Seoul. The story is that one of the tunnels got intercepted by South Korea and then a few months later, a North Korean defector who also turned out to be the engineer to the tunnels revealed the other 2 tunnels that were under construction. South Korea kept one of the tunnels as a place for dipshits like me to take a look inside and learn more about the conflict. Part of it is blocked off but it's crazy that less than 200 m from the blocked off part of the tunnel is just a totally different way of life. I also came to South Korea during peak ginseng season, which is in October as it is when ginseng gets harvested. And apparently, there is a lot of ginseng farms around the border area. So it was kind of funny to see that ther was a little fair and ginseng festival happening at the border of such a politically charged place. I also got myself some ginseng snacks to give my boyfriend. He wanted me to bring something back from my travels as a snack and I was trying hard to find something that I couldn't easily get in my local H Mart lol. Later that day I had the intention to go to a dog cafe but I didn't feel like it so I went to Namsen Park and went on a little hike as well as walked around the more historic neighborhoods in Seoul. That night I also went to Seoul tower to see the the city as well as Myeongdong Market. I enjoyed doing some of the more touristy things in Seoul lol. I also went to a Mexican restaurant in Gangnam which was a hit and miss. I can probably do a whole nother post on that lol. I gotta say, on another note, since I did walk around Seoul quite a bit, it was pretty surreal to me when the protests around the martial law as well as the impeachment of the president happened earlier this month because I was watching the footage and just thinking on how everything looked familiar. After Seoul, I went to Gyeongju, a smaller town outside of Busan known for their historical sites from the 3 Kingdoms period and cafe hopping. I stayed at this really cute Hanok style hotel owned by this really sweet older couple. The room was very cozy and simple. I highly recommend having this sort of experience. I unfortunatly wasn't able to do my tour in Gyeongju due to rain as well as my health. I got sick after my first day in Seoul when I got soaked. Nevertheless, I still did all of things I wanted to do and I still went cafe hopping during my birthday. That was a lot of fun. Both Gyeongju and Busan felt more low key and residential compared to Seoul and I liked seeing a different side to South Korea. Then, after spending a few days in Gyeongju, I went to Sokcho, a coastal town in the north east known for its beaches and Seorksan national park. I went hiking in Seoarksan and saw a lot of the Buddist temples nestled in the mountains. I feel like that was another highlight of this trip. I feel like outside of Seoul from the cafe hopping in Gyeongju to enjoying all of the good food in Busan to hiking in Sokcho, the trip was really low key, relaxing, and chill. I feel like I had a lot of room to think and be with myself with was really nice. I feel like you can do a lot in Seoul because Seoul is kind of an all you can eat buffet. You can also go cafe hopping, go to really good restaurants, and go hiking in Seoul if you're short on time. But I'm glad that I took the time and went to these other towns because while Seoul is an all you can eat buffet, these other towns are more like specialized restaurants ya know? And if you have like a week or so, it's worth going to the other towns and get emersed in these activities. Not to mention that getting on the high speed rail was a lot of fun. As usual, my little Texan heart is always excited when I go to a city and I get to experience public transport. But this was my first time in a bullet train and I thought that was really exciting. I hope we get one of those in Texas lol.

New Experiences While Travelling Part 1: Qatar and India I don't know why but I took forever to make this post about my October travel takeaways apart from the more personal stuff I wrote about in the post above but here it is. Qatar: Doha was weird. It looked like a city but it didn't FEEL like a city. The tall buildings, public transport, and the infrastructure was there but the people weren't. Also, it was almost deathly quiet. I woke up early in the morning to get a head start on the things I wanted to see and I went to Katara Village, an area in Doha known for their traditional architecture, arts scene, and the Katara Blue Mosque. I got there and I figured it was empty because I was just early. A couple hours passed and I noticed that I was literally the only one there with the exception of the people who work there. I asked them where the people were at and they said that the people don't really come out in the city until after 5pm because it's so hot outside. I also did a quick Google search and turns out Doha is over developed because a lot of the construction was done to anticipate the 2022 Fifa World Cup and accommodate the large amount of tourists. It's also over developed because they preemptively built a lot of stuff since they are anticipating more immigrants coming in. So, while there are a lot of buildings, it doesn't feel like a city because the scale of the buildings don't match the scale of the current population. It got better later at night. I at least saw people walking around and living their lives. But again, it still felt relatively empty. I also went to the Qatar National Museaum and the Islamic Museam of Art. I feel like I got to learn about the country from the wildlife that is indegenous there, nomadic life in Qatar prior to colonization, to the current day oil powerhouse it is. I learned about how prior to the oil and natural gas their main industry was fishing and selling pearls. It's just crazy on how the country transformed from a relatively poor fishing village to one of the wealthiest countries in the world because of the discovery of oil. The Islamic Museaum of Art was one of my favorite experiences. Just generally speaking, I do like art from the Islamic world whether it is from the Ottomans, the Persians, or the Mughals. It was nice to see all of that side by side along with contributions from various African countries, Spain, as well as Indonesia. It was also interesting to see how Islam manifested differently in each culture and how what you see depicted in this museum is so different from the depictions of Islam in western media and through the lens of fundamentalists. I mean.. I already knew that going in but I feel like I have a deeper experience of that knowledge. I feel like a lot of people think of Islam as this relgion that is void of personal expression from the all black fits that a lot of women wear to how fundamentalists think that music is haram. And that is obviously so far from the truth and this museum gives a million and one ways of how that is not the case and how the separation of art and Islam is a recent one. Speaking of Islam, it was nice knowing that I am not Islamophobic lol. I grew up in a Islamophobic household and even when I would go to Dubai to visit family, my mom would always be on guard or be like *omg she's covered head to toe.* And while I did try my best to not take on those views, I guess when you're little and you sense that your parents are always on edge in a certain situation, a little bit of that transfers off to you as well due to the natural tendency for children to model the adults they spend a lot of time around. And it was nice knowing that I didn't have a single bone in my body that reacted the way the my mom would react when I was in Qatar. Don't get me wrong, there are some things that I'm just not used to like hearing the prayers go off in the middle of the day or seeing a group of like 20 women and men dressed exactly the same pull up, but it wasn't anything that caused any internalized biases to resurface. I count that as a win lol. I also went dune surfing in Qatar as well. I booked a tour where we got to drive around in the desert, ride a camel, hold a falcon (that thing didn't like me lmao), and slide down dunes in snowboards. I highly recommend this to anyone. I went to the Texas State Fair like a day before my big trip and road on a few rollercoasters there and I feel like that mentally prepared me to drive throught the sand dunes. The way that your body would be jerked around in the jeep was similar to the way that your body feels in a roller coaster.. but for like 2 hours straight. I also got to watch the sun set along the Saudi border and I saw a few oil refinery towns on my way back to Doha. India: Bengaluru: I mainly spent time with family here. I spent time with my cousin, his wife, his 3 year old son, as well as my aunt and uncle. I went to Laal Bhag which was basically a botanical garden in Bengaluru. It was absolutely beautiful. I got to try some more South Indian food and my cousin, his family, and I also went to another town called Chikkamagaluru. There we took a trip to a national park, did some light hiking, and saw a few waterfalls. I also got to see a couple of monkeys which was one of my highlights as they are my boyfriend's favorite animal. I had to take a couple pictures quickly to avoid being robbed by the monkeys lol. And last but not least, I went to the Hoysaleswara Temple which is a Hindu temple that dates back to the 12th century. It was interesting to see my cousin and his dynamic with his wife as well as how he shows up as a father. Starting with his marriage, these two have been married for like 10 years now. Even when he first got married, I always thought that they were a weird couple. My interactions with my cousin and his wife are like a night and day difference. My cousin is weird, combative, closed minded with Hindu Nationalist brainrot while his wife is.... a normal person you can have a conversation with. Like my cousin is just this pile of red flags. His wife's only red flag is that she married this guy. If you didn't know these two, you would assume that they're an arranged marriage couple. But no... they married out of love. So like, they have to have SOMETHING in common with each other!?!?! I thought maybe I could figure out what that something is after spending more time with them but now I have more questions than answers. The only thing I can think of is that maybe they panic married each other as they were approaching their late 20s and his wife, since she has a travelling job, got to see the world, open her mind, and grow and now they have nothing in common even though in the past they had more common ground. Look... I have no clue lol. They're so weird together. As for what he's like as a father, I think he is more hands on than his father, my uncle for example. My aunt and uncle have a dynamic of very rigid gender roles in terms of who takes care of the house and the kids and who brings in the money. My cousin on the other hand at least "helps" out with the child care. But it still feels very unequal since his wife also works the same amount and has a dispproportionate amount of housework and childcare put on her. Like one time I just point blank asked them what each person's responsibilities were regarding taking care of the kid. His wife listed out how she helps the kid wake up and get ready, shower, helps the kid with school, feeds the kid, does most of the diaper changes etc. while my cousin was just like *my only responsibility is to play with the kid and spend time with him.* One time, during the trip, we stopped at a restaurant and he was like *look soos_mite_ah, I'm feeding him* and I just replied with *you're his father, you're supposed to do that, do you want a reward or something?* My cousin also had a handful of strange conversations with me. The first day I was there he interrogated me about my love life. And as usual, my strategy was to deny, deny, deny and keep a straight face like: I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years at this point. But I'm not telling my extended family shit unless I have an engagement ring on my finger because they don't know how to act. Especially this particular cousin. He's like 13 years older than me and honestly, growing up he was more like my weird uncle than my cousin. But the good part is that since he is my cousin and not my uncle, I could bully him back lmao.He also went on this whole thing about how I NEED to have kids and hurry up and settle down. I think I asked him about the challenges he encountered in the last couple years since having his kid and he was like "THERE ARE NO CHALLENGES. HE IS NOT A BURDEN AT ALL. I LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF THIS. I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS ALSO LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF PARENTHOOD EVEN WHEN CHANGING YOUR DIAPERS." I was just sitting there like...... "ok..... uhhh I never said anything about your kid being a burden but even if you love being a parent, it can still be hard sometimes." That just made him double down more. Like I feel like this interaction could have been a comedic masterpiece if you just threw in an eye twitch in my cousin's delivery. I don't know if he's in denial of what he is feeling, if he had a romanticized view of parenting because he wasn't getting the brunt of the labor, or if he really wanted me to have a kid so his kid has someone to play with. His wife was significantly more real about her experiences. She talked about the hell she went through with preganacy and postpartum, especially as this was during the height of the pandemic, as well as how having a kid impacted her life socially and career wise. It was reassuring in some ways in that despite how difficult motherhood can be, after the initial adjustment period, you do get into the flow of things. It helped me reframe my reasoning for wanting a child from asking *should I have a child* or *could I handle having a child* to *do I want to have a child.* Because after talking to her and being around the kid, I do think that I have good reasons for wanting to be a mother and I do have the capability of being a good mother. But at this point, while there is a part of me that wants to have a kid, I don't think I wanted badly enough to have that choice consume my whole life and badly to the point of actually justifying having a kid. I think I'm just happy being a an aunty or a friend to the parents to help them through the difficult parts of having a kid. I think I'm better off being a part time mom rather than a full time mom lol. Just because I choose to be childfree for my own life doesn't mean I don't want children in my life at all. Also, back on the topic of my cousin being a weirdo, in addition to him interrogating me about my love life and telling me to get on with the process of having a kid, he also picked a fight with me about what is happening in Palestine. He basically spoke in favor of the genocide and said that everyone deserved to die. Which is not surprising at all given that Zionism and Hindu Nationalism are both two fonts of religious nationalism and he is in deep with the brain rot. I tried my best to diffuse the situation. In the end of the day, he turned out to be much more annoying compared to his 3 year old son and he's in his late 30s. Because the 3 year old is just going to be 3 year old and run around and have the occasional temper tantrum. The 3 year old isn't going to get in my personal business and start fights about politics for no reason. Kolkata: The silver lining of my cousin's craziness is that I got to bond with my other cousin about how weird he is. This other cousin is like 6 years younger than me so she's like 18/19 years old. I wasn't able to bond with her before because of the age difference and it was really nice to get to know her more. We got to talking more about Indian poltics and human rights issues and how the brainrot manifests in each of my family members, particularly on how they were educated in Indian history depending on the time they went to school. That was really eye opening and I really appreciated her insight. I also went pandal hopping with her and her friends from college. During Durga Pujo, the big religious event in Bengal since we don't really celebrate Diwali like that, a lot of young people (like teens and young adults) go around the city to see the different pandals. A pandal is a temporary structure that is usually built to honor a Hindu god or goddess. Pandals are often large, tent-like structures that are made of wood and cloth over a bamboo framework. They are often built to recreate popular buildings, such as temples. The pandals are often displayed as an art instalation and many times are used to do social commentary. It's big event that brings out the talents of local artisans and it's something people prepare for months in advance. Basically, my cousin, her friends, and I ran around Kolkata visiting various pandals and exploring the city. I enjoyed seeing the dynamic she had with her friends as they tried to navigate the chaos. I was surrounded by a bunch of directionally challenged 18 year olds and I myself was a dumb American so it evens out lol. My younger cousin and her friends are basically the gay emo theatre kids. I love how that archetype is still a thing half way across the world. I got to learn about queerness and overall get a vibe check of what things were like in this specific part of India when it comes to queer rights. I know that since I am a child of immigrants, it's a common phenomenon that you're taught the version of the culture that your parents grew up with and it's not always representative of the current day. So for me, I think a lot of what I know is filtered through my parents' generation of what things were like in the 80s, and 90s when it comes to gender roles and sexuality in our communities. From what I've heard from my cousin, West Bengal is generally more chill and progressive compared to a lot of parts of India. At this point, when it comes to queer rights though, it's like a 60/40 chance of somone of our generation being accepting towards gay people wheras with our parents it's more like 20/80 leaning towards not accepting gay people. So yes, you do have to be careful of who you come out of the closet to but it isn't so hostile to where you will be completely isolated by your peers. And a lot of this has to do with gay sex getting decriminalized back in 2018. The highlight of pandal hopping, and really this entire trip was this time my cousin, her friends and I went pandal hopping and we went to a nearby fair. We managed to fit like 8 people in an auto-rickshaw. I was sitting in the back next to my cousin and her friend. Both my cousin and her friend had two people sitting on top of them in their laps. The front row had the driver, one guy to the right of him and 2 to the left. One of the guys was like dangling out from the side. As we were going from one place to the other, the city lights were surrounding us. It was like a tiny club on wheels. Then, one of them had the idea of blasting their playlist amidst the chaos so all of this was happening with Fein on full volume. I can confidentally say that out of all of the experiences I had on this trip, this was the core memory that changed my brain chemistry. Anyways, this will have to be a two parter since it took me like and hour and 45 minutes to write all of this out. No wonder I've been putting this off.

Hey @RendHeaven, it's good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well This is my first time hearing this quote but imma start using this Who is the certain role model btw? Was it one of Leo's quotes? I feel like I haven't watched his content in forever. This section got be thinking about my thoughts on the pandemic and this cultural shift I saw towards self help. I feel like in 2020, since a lot of people were in lock down and had too much time to think, that a lot of people used that time to self reflect, go to therapy and get rid of that stigma, and reflect on their cultural biases especially those related to capitalism because of the way that our leaders were handling the pandemic. Despite the chaos around me, part of me was excited that a lot of my self development related interests were becoming mainstream. But now, almost 5 years later, I can't help but feel like stage blue and orange are copting the language of green to seem more progressive than they actually are in order to appeal to the vast majority of people who want change in the macro and micro but in a vulnerable spot mentally. That, and a lot of people who was on the surface green had a lot of unintegrated blue and orange that they regressed back to. Manifestation is a good example of this because I do think there is a lot of green elements there with nuances but once it hit the mainstream, as you said, such spaces got hijacked with self-centered marketing. A lot of self help and self development related stuff that leaned more green back in like 2018ish is starting to get weaponized by the earlier stages. I think we're in a very weird ego backlash as a culture where the language of progressiveism is being used to market regressive ideas.

Deconstructing Self Help I feel like I've been deconstructing self help, or rather mainstream self help, for a hot minute now, I planted the seeds of that in the past when I was deconstructing spirituality and my relaitonship to the content on Actualized.org a few years back. I wanted to take a step back from more advanced content as they can be misinterpreted if you aren't in the right state of mind or right stage of your life yet. And I think it has done a lot of good in that by focusing more on integration and issues of my material life that I have been able to embody more advanced teachings and slowly implement them so that they were being internalized in a healthy way. That has been my experience with spirituality and the more self help side of spirituality. And I think I have reached a point where I need to do the same from self help as a whole. Here are some posts I have made in the past which are more detailed in what I talked about earlier: I really started to take a step back from self help after the genocide in Palestine started happening. I wrote about this back then and I think it's worth reiterating: Social media felt very surreal at this time. I was seeing posts of the blown up bodies of children and then the next post was about *how to level up your mentality and your finances going in to 2024.* I think self help type content is fine but it shouldn't be used to neglect things like community care and it shouldn't be something that gives you so much tunnel vision that it makes you less empathetic towards others or lean into toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is another thing. Listen, I do believe in things like manifestation and the power of positive thinking but they shouldn't be things that explain away the need to systemic change or awarenss of systemic issues. Toxic positivity from my observation can also come with a lack of conflict resolution because you're always focused on the positive to where you're not facing the negative and dealing with that. And that can result in a lot of emotional bypassing, not so cute delusional thinking, and even strain on relationships. That's another thing, I am so tired of seeing relationship advice videos whether they be romantic or even platonic. I feel like I have been particularly immune to the bad romantic relationship advice out there whether it be from the pod cast bros or the femininity coaches since I got experience of what an actual healthy and fulfilling relationship looks like. I do think there is some good stuff out there in terms of recognizing red flags and how to deal with them but there is also a differnence between being aware of red flags and being focussed on them, where the later can cause you to have a very paranoid, guarded, and pessimistic outlook on dating. I think the same can be same about friendships where I feel like I can do a good job in discerning good and bad advice and while I'm aware of red flags, I don't let them dominate my approach to friendships. At the same time, I do think that a lot of relationship advice as a whole can be very generalized and doesn't take into consideration the nuances between the dynamics of individual people. Also, a lot of the advice out there is geared towards people who are anxiously attached or lack boundaries, or people who don't typcially take responsibility for their input on the dynamic. And that advice can backfire for people like me who leans on more of an avoidant attachment style and who has a tendency to take too much responsibility at a time. Like I feel like for the wrong people, the same advice can cause them to be hyper independent of fall into self blame. In other words, yes there is some general advice out there that can help in a lot of relationships but that general advice doesn't always translate the best for nuanced individual situations whether it be the dynamics of a specific relationship or even what's going on with your psyche and the person you're dealing with. Like catch myself seeing a lot of advice videos and being like *yes that makes sense but I can also see on how this can be taken too far and exceptions to this rule.* I also think that a lot of the general advice videos feel like common sense and developmentally I'm just passed it and now it's less about taking in the rules of common sense and more about applying that sense in a nuanced and effective way. To tie in the toxic positivity, need for community care, and the relationship advice, I feel like a lot of self help content these days really lean on this notion of hyper individualism. And it's been really pissing me off as someone who is wanting to build more of a sense of community. There are a lot of posts that I've seen with the attitude of *you don't owe anyone anything so focus on yourself* whether it in justification for ghosting long term platonic relationships or like talking to the Trader Joe's employee who said hi to you because apparently engaging in small talk is emotional labor now. The *you don't owe anyone anything so focus on yourself* mentality is coming from a lot of places. Here are some I have come up with: Convenience Culture: With the click of an app, you can have a random stranger pick up your food, groceries, and give you a ride to the airport. Coupled that with remote work, if you really wanted to, you can go weeks without having face to face social interaction. There is no need for asking for help in a community even for little things and these little acts of inconvience to help a neighbor out is suddenly seen in a more transaction lens than ever before. Suddenly you hitting up your friend to ask them to drive you to the airport feels like a monumental task because god forbid you inconvenience anyone because they don't owe you anything and you're now the toxic one for asking them to go out of their way. Weaponized Therapy Speak: I have seen people in my life misuse terms such as trauma dumping, gaslighting, and calling people narcissists to a degree where there are break downs in actual communication. Don't get me wrong, trauma dumping, gaslighting, and narcissists are very real things but your friend opening up about a difficult period of their life is none of those things. It's okay if you're not in the mental space to deal with that but it's also not okay to just tell people to go talk to a therapist about their issues because they're burdening the people around them. The *you don't owe anyone anything* can really cause people act in callous ways regarding normal things in a relationship. Same with the word gaslighting. I have noticed that some people have used that term basically as a way to say that the other person is making them feel crazy simply because the other person has a different perspective to them. And then rather than this becoming a discussion where you figure out where your perspectives differ and what is going in this situation, it becomes combative where *oh this other person is toxic, I'm just going to ghost because again, you don't owe anyone anything.* The misappropriation of boundaries: There are people out here who think that boundaries are just their way of telling people what to do rather than a communication tool that allows them to convey cause and effect. And I do think there is a time and a place to employ the *you don't owe anyone anything* mentality such as in the case of someone being really pushy and you not wanting to back down, an acquaintence you tried to hang out with but y'all didn't click like that, or when you're dealing with someone volitile and abusive you need to get away from that situation with no further explanation. Those are very valid boundaries But the *you don't owe anyone anything* mentality is not something you use with a person you've been friends with for a couple of years as you distance yourself from this person and you had no previous conversation about this so now the other person is left hurt and confused because they weren't aware that anything is wrong in the first place. People trying to make the most out of the isolation of regular life: I feel like some people are trying to romanticize the late stage capitalisitc isolation by focussing on self development and going into the so called *winter arc* or sorts. I think that's fine and it can be a healthy way to cope and make the most of your situation. But also I think it can get unhealthy because of the way it can compell some people to isolate themselves even more and get into a more misanthropic form of self help that I have journaled about in the first post that I liked above. I have also watched a few good videos about the points above that I'll link here for reference: Don't get me wrong, I am still pro therapy and self help but I also think that there is a lot of bullshit out there as things like therapy and self help become more mainstream as more people are learning from things like pop psychology intead of talking to a professional. And I do recognize that going through a professional is not accessible for everyone given the issues we have with our health care system and that there is value in methods that are outside of institutional means and aren't peer reviewed. But you really got to be careful with all of this so you don't misconstrue and misapply clinical terminology.

Positives and Negatives for 2024 Positives figured out family relationships getting comfortable with being an adult my big trip and everything that came with that going on a trip with my significant other being unofficially engaged figuring out what I want to do career wise starting yoga and sticking to it hosted a dinner a couple times connected with people in my family and found people I’m cool with healed my relationship with money got promoted thriving in work in general fasted for Ramadan healed my relationship with food Got closer to that one friend I made after college dealt with my Sisyphean existential crisis with work dealt with the self critique I had around my job and my university experience dealt with the burn out I was experience at work and got a better sense of what degree of PTO I need got more comfortable with cooking various foods started posting on tiktok and confronted my fear of being seen dealt with my grief around the genocide in Palestine dealt with my grief regarding the election made decent progress deconstructing self help (more on that in a later post) made a lot of progress around how I feel about having a child figured out my relationship with travel and how that fits into my life got a better sense of my priorities achieved a sense of contentment with my life I have a decent amount in savings Ate a lot of pasta and croissants Wasn’t sad leading up to my birthday or Christmas Did a lot of outdoorsy things like hiking, biking, canoeing, etc. Completed a year of living alone Negatives struggled with friendship and as a result depressed I’m walking into the new year with social anxiety at my grown age of 25 and I might be autistic stopped volunteering stopped working out still in my fuck ass corporate job turned into an ipad baby I’m angsty about capitalism/ politics and I have an existential crisis on the regular

A Simplier Time I don't think it's an uncommon experience to be nostalgic during the holidays or towards the end of the year. I find myself thinking about how things like Christmas and Thanksgiving felt more special when I was a kid and how much anticipation I experienced when it came to counting down to the 25th when I can finially open the presants that are under my Christmas tree. I feel like the most joy I had towards Christmas was in my elementary and middle school years. Once I got to high school and college, I was so stressed with exams in the end of the semester that I didn't have time to really be mindful and take in the joy of the holidays. Sure, I had winter break where I had like 3 weeks off but much of it was me being a blob in my room to recover from the stress of the semester. So basically, I spent an 8-9 year stretch (since I graduated college a little late) where the holidays were kind of a nuisance where I was stressed and booked to the brim rather a time when I can relax and spend time with friends. I feel like both 2023 and 2024 I have been embracing more of the holiday cheer. I have a stable job that pays me enough and doesn't stress me out so that helps out a lot since I'm no longer a stressed out college student. However, I do remember in 2023 feeling irritable during the month of December because I still had to go to work rather than have an extened period of time off for winter break. I just wasn't used to the way that breaks and the calender year felt after being a student for so long. But I found that after going to a couple Christmas parties and decorating a cookie that life felt a whole lot better lol. This year, I didn't have the irritability since I did take more time off and because I'm getting used to my corporate job on a year to year basis. Rather, I find myself feeling kind of sleepy over the last couple weeks or so. I think much of it is just how the time change and the days getting shorter are messing with my sleep schedule. While my social calendar hasn't been booked and busy, I am enjoying just cozier and quieter nights in with my boyfriend and lets just say that I fiinally understand the hype around cuffing season. While Christmas does feel nicer than it did when I was a stressed out student, I don't feel the magic of the holidays. I feel like there are a handful of factors: family, the distortion of time, and of course capitalism. Family My family wasn't ever super big on Christmas mainly because with the excepion of me, my other relatives never had the sentimentality attached to Christmas since they aren't Christian and grew up in a foreign country that doesn't celebrate Christmas like that. I remember as a little kid trying to emulate the stuff I learned about Christmas from school at home by pushing my parents to make cookies, decorating the house with lots of crafts, and leaving food out for reindeer lol. But once I got a little older I realized that I was the only one doing this and that left me discouraged to push for more. Then the nail on the coffin was my grandmother passing away back in 2016. She wasn't big on Christmas but she enjoyed the vibes. Her main thing was enjoying the Christmas lights and my family would drive around Dallas looking at the lights and we would set up lights at the house as well. But after she passed away, my dad especially lost motivation to do the one tradition we had for Christmas and also felt kind of depressed at the thought of setting up lights or putting up the tree. We didn't do anything for Christmas for years after she passed away. It's been a recent thing that I push him to put up a couple lights and the tree since I'm trying to reframe it as something to honor her memory rather than to have it that makes him feel depressed about her passing. The Distortion of Time I remember the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas feeling like it was forever when I was a little kid. The month of December felt like a year when I was like 5 years old. And it makes sense because a year or even a month was a larger portion of your life compared to when you're older. 1 year for a 5 year old is like 20% of their life while 1 year to a 25 year old is like 4%. And of course there are things like impulse control and patience as you age to take into consideration. But as an adult, while it's good that my job doesn't stress me out too badly like school did, if I don't take any breaks or time off, time can feel like a blob where everything just blends together. I feel like I blinked and next thing I know, Christmas is less than 2 weeks away and I have most of my shopping left to do. Time instead, feels like it's going too fast as I get caught up with my day to day responsibilities. And I feel like this sense of time really impacts my anticipation and excitment for Christmas because instead of being a kid counting down for Christmas day as the hours and days dragged on, as an adult, I just wish time would just slow down a little more so I can get things done and do all of the things I want to do. Capitalism In addition to time messing with my sense of anticipation, I think late stage capitalism, or I guess the awareness of it, probablly packs a larger punch. As a kid, like most children, I used to be so excited about the presents. I wasn't like a little brat about it. I did enjoy the Christmas programs at school, the little parties for my friends and me, and spending time with other people. I always felt like I knew the true meaning of Christmas lol. But when I was younger, even when I was in my early teens, it was so easy for me to create a little Christmas wish list, give that to my parents, and then sit in anticipation for the next month or so for my little wishes to come true. I remeber asking for things like art supplies, video games, and occasionally electronics. I would also get like clothes and blankets which I really liked even if they weren't things that I specifically asked for. However, as I got older, it became harder for me to ask for materialistic things because I don't have super strong wants materialistically. My mind would often blank when someone would ask me what I wanted for my birthday, Christmas, or Durga Pujo. And then that would inevitably cause people to get me something that I usually don't like and never asked for. I do think it's sweet that they thought of me but also I do feel awkward lol. I really relate to this tweet that I'm pretty sure I saw more than 6 years ago: And I guess when you embody the spirit of Christmas and start valuing the things that really matter over the materialism it in a way becomes harder to be impressed by the little stuff. Then there is the whole thing around overconsumption that has really been getting to me. I feel like I'm being constantly marketted to via the internet. I'm seeing gross depictions of wealth over the dumbest things like guest bathroom restocks. And everytime I go to a mall, I just think of how most of the clothes are cheaply made materially and how they use sweatshop labor and how most of the stuff here will end up in a landfill. Even if there are more expensive/ luxury options, I know those aren't exempt from the sweatshop labor and the quality is only slightly better but the marketting is like at a 10 to appeal to people who care about conspicuous consuption and flexing status. There are a few videos that I really resonate with on this topic that articulate my thoughts better than I can in one post: "Why Nothing You Buy Feels Good Anymore" from The Financial Diet goes into more of the convenience culture and overconsumption aspect of why shopping isn't pleasurable anymore. "Talking To Your Trader Joe's Cashier is a a GOOD thing" from Vaush goes into how we're losing community, becoming more anti social, and how shopping used to be more personal in terms of interacting with goods and services and that they had more meaning attached to things wheras now we're dealing with a lot of capitalistic alienation. "Oops, All Ads (And Billionaires): Entertainment Under Late Stage Capitalism" by Cheyenne Lin talks about how modern entertainers like singers, actors, and sports players are basically equilvalent to the court jesters of the medieval times entertaining the kings of our time, ie. the billionaries. And as a result of our shrinking attention spans and the burn out we face due to late stage capitalism, we just take in this slop and we're being marketed to constantly. Not to mention that all of this is happening while most people are struggling to make ends meet due to wages stagnating and not keeping up with inflation, the rise of facism across the globe, and multiple genocides happening simultaneously. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth to where going to a department store to get yourself and your loved ones something nice feels far from magical. Sometimes ignorance really does feel like bliss. I wish I was the type of person who would be brought out of this funk with a Sephora beauty haul or be the type of person who would count down the days to Christmas day and get super excited over unpacking gifts because I asked for and was getting a designer bag. At times, I even find myself wishing I was like a 9 year old girl who started crying happy tears because her parents got her a stanley cup. I found myself looking at expensive designer shoes and bags for a handful of days this month. I wouldn't say that these are things I can't afford since I am fortunate to have a good amount of money in savings but lets just say that if I made these purchases, I wouldn't feel good because they aren't good financial decisions. I guess me looking at expensive things has been my weird way of trying to grasp at a sense of anticipation that has been missing from this season from childhood. These things feel out of reach in that they wouldn't be good financial decisions but they also do not super unrealistic since buying these things wouldn't bankrupt me. But while I'm trying to grasp at this sense of anticipation and specialness in these designer goods, I don't reach it because I'm painfully aware of the labor practices to create such things and I'm aware of my value system to where I know that none of these things will create a lasting feeling of fulfillment or hapiness. Basically, this is my stance:

Wtf does this even mean lmao? How are you going to be child free but also a single dad? How are you going to be a stay at home, a term that is utilized to point towards one person's position in a relationship where they don't go out and work, and be single? Can you describe more in detail what kind of life you're aiming for and what your day to day would look like? Because based on this question alone, there are multiple contridictions that make no sense lol.

Cozy Animals I have been enjoying this aesthetic of these cozy animals children's book illustration lately. I find myself havign a visceral reaction when I see these and I can't help but tear up a little. Like I want to be that warm, peaceful, and happy and I want that for the people around me too. They're just there with their friends hanging out being cozy and wholesome. These images feel so gentle and comforting for some reason. This is the adulthood that I wanted as a little kid. Instead I got the Microsoft teams grindset, isolation, the ability to see a genocide live on social media, and political chaos that is leaves me with a feeling of dread for the future. I don't want much from my life. I want to be financially stable with a job I'm interested in, have a cozy place to stay, get a little treat every now and then, be well rested, and share all of this with my friends. I want people to have health care, work life balance, free education, time with their friends and family, more time off during the holidays, maternity and paternity leave, and last but definitely not least, a livable wage. So far, I love being an adult. I love having more agency in my life. I love having a developed frontal lobe to have critical thinking skills. I love the person I'm growing into and I love becoming more sure of myself. What I don't love is being adult during late stage capitalism.

Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Go to college, get married, buy a house, raise 2.5 kids, work 40 years in a job to support all the previous items, then have your kids do the same thing, then die. I feel like this is the default life path that the American dream has pushed on us. I find myself pushing against that in many ways. I don't aspire to homeownership. I don't give a shit about having a career. I'm most likely going to be child free. And even though I feel like I have a good grip on my values and what makes me feel fulfilled, I can't help but question if my desire to go against the grain is a form of aimlessness. I think the reason why I feel aimless is because growing up my mom always made it seem like I was lazy and had no aspirations. Like a stereotypical Asian parent, she wanted me to go to a top university and become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or something that was super lucrative. She would ask me "so if you don't want to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer, wtf do you want to do?" And when 17-year-old me would push back against this and say *idk I’m 17, I have limited life experience but I do know that I like xyz and I'm sure I can do something with that." She then would respond by comparing me to my peers and suggesting that I'm aimless for not wanting to be on those paths and not having a 15-year plan in the place of those paths. When I decided to study business in college, my mom eventually came around to it and that tune adjusted to going into investment banking, accounting / getting a CPA, consulting, or going into sales. And yet again, when I looked at those jobs and was like *that sounds horrendous, I don't want to work 60-80 hour weeks even if I was making six figures out of college because I care about my mental stability and I care about having a life* and I told her that I don't want to get a masters just to get a master’s degree, we basically ended up having the same conversation as earlier. Going back to the American dream regarding buying a house, having a nuclear family, and pouring all my time and energy in my career, I am hesitant on all those things. I'm not opposed to buying a house because it would be nice to not put money in a landlord's pockets and I would love to live somewhere I can decorate rather than renting a sad grey unit. At the same time, this isn't worth me being house poor and not having financial peace of mind. Because just because I can afford to put a down payment and probably qualify for a mortgage, that doesn't mean that's what is best for me. Sure, I can put a down payment, but can I afford a mortgage comfortably without living paycheck to pay check? Does that also account for insurance, property taxes, interest, and God forbid HOA fees? And even if I was ballin like that, do I want to buy a house that will put me on a 30-year mortgage where I can't freely move around? Keep in mind, I'm in my 20s and my life has a lot of opportunity and variability on how things can go and where I want to "settle down" at so I don't think that getting a mortgage is a good idea for me right at this point in my life. And, I don't give a fuck about living in a house. If anything, having a cute apartment in a walkable environment is a million times more appealing to me if we are talking about property ownership. Nevertheless, I feel like there is such a push to be able to buy a house as soon as you can because it's a pillar of the American dream and as a result, there are a lot of people who are buying houses without thinking this whole thing through regarding if this is a good financial and personal decision for them. For example, there is a couple I know from high school. They started dating after we graduated, and they bought a house together. This happened when we were like 23/24, so this is like a year ago. They aren't married. And idk what is going on in their relationship and I hope to God people grow and change but the guy growing up was a serial cheater. And I see them being super excited about being young homeowners, decorating the place, and while I want to be happy for them, I can't because I see the potential of this being super messy. First, you're young, how the fuck do you know if staying in the Dallas area is what you want to do long term to where you are willing to sign a mortgage? Second, y'all aren't married. If things go south in this relationship (which there is a possibility since the man had a history of being messy and getting passed around), depending on how the property rights are split and who is doing what in this household, this is going to be divorce level messy except there are no legal protections since Y'ALL AREN'T MARRIED. Thirdly, I know the type of family both the people come from, and I know what kind of work they do based on their fields of study along with some light LinkedIn stalking. They aren't making a ton so there is a good chance they are house poor or in debt. So, because of all of this, I feel like there is a good chance that neither of them really thought this through and they were chasing after this milestone. I really hope I'm wrong about all of this as I don't know these people in person in real life right now, but based on what I do know, it seems like a recipe for a mess. So, I don't think I want to buy a house, firstly just because I can, but also, I am prioritizing my financial peace of mind. But there is a part of me that is like *you're just too lazy to save for a down payment and make career gains to afford all of this. * I feel like I encounter a similar line of logic when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have written about this in the past but as of right now, I'm at a place where I'm just like *sure sometimes I have the desire to have a kid but I can't say that the desire is strong enough to actually justify having kids.* Like there are the sleepless nights, a lack of social support because we glorify the nuclear family, shitty school systems, the gamble of what kind of kid you'll end up with (I can handle a runner or a crier when it comes to toddlers but I'd rather die than deal with a constant screamer), how expensive kids are, and not to mention the poop. And I think these are all valid reasons for not wanting a kid and it's good that I'm being real with myself, but there is a part of me that's like *oh so basically you're too lazy to put up with the challenges of parenthood and you just want an easy and low effort life.* Then there is the whole thing about me not giving a fuck about having a career. And by this, I don't mean that I'm lazy at my job or I aspire not to have a job at all. Even though I'm not in love with my job right now, I show up, I do what I need to do, I do good work and achieve my metrics and sometimes push myself to a reasonable degree without stressing myself out. I have an attitude that even if I don't like my job, I have agreed to this job and as a result, I have made the promise to do what I need to do and put in my 40 hours. It is a part of my general sense of integrity to show up and fulfill my responsibility. I have been promoted earlier this year and I'm on track for another promotion as well. However, in the end of the day, I'm not going to stress myself out of this job and work long hours, I'm not going to take on more than I feel like I'm capable of, I'm not about to sacrifice my personal life and health over this job, and I'm not going to be some kind of corporate pick me to move up the corporate ladder since I'm pretty content with my life and my pay. I have a stable income. I can afford to hang out with my friends and get a meal. I can afford little things to treat myself and the people around me. I can afford to travel here and there. And the biggest thing, I can afford my bills without stressing about them. I don't feel the need to bust my ass for more. I'm happy with what $75k in Dallas, Texas gets me. Yes, I am thankful for my job, and I do care about doing decent work, but I don't give a fuck about having a career and I don't have super grand aspirations for myself. And that sometimes leads me to think *am I just as aimless and lazy as what my mom thinks I am? Am I just not willing to put in the hard work? * despite the fact that I do work hard. I'm just not willing to run myself to the ground. ------------------------------ The traditional goals of having kids, buying a house, and having a lucrative career isn't really something that I aspire to. That doesn't mean that I don't have goals period, they're just different from the default. I want a different job that gives me a similar degree of work life balance as my current job and gives me a similar amount of money to maintain my current lifestyle, but have it been something that is more interesting to me. Rather than having a nuclear family, I want friends I hang out with on a regular basis, and we live life alongside each other where we do little favors for each other’s life borrowing things, driving each other to the airport, helping each other move, and later, helping with raising families. Like I want to be the kind of friend who helps the mom through the mental difficulties of motherhood and helps with watching the kids so the parents can take a break. That is much more preferable than having an isolated nuclear family. I want a cute apartment in a walkable area than a suburban hellscape where I must rely on my car for everything. Despite having these goals for myself, I can't help but feel like these aren't "real" goals and that they're just overly idealistic. I sometimes feel like I'm not prioritizing the "right" things like the nuclear family and a lucrative career. Let me just vocalize that this voice in my head is saying: "Do you really think that once people get married and have kids that they'll want anything to do with the single or childfree people in their life? Even if they do, they aren't going to have the time and energy to nurture the connection with you. As for asking for help, they'll ask their family, not you. Chosen family doesn't mean anything when friendship is just to the side of your regular life and not integrated to the day to day. No one is going to put friendship over their spouse and family or their job. People are also busy with work. They don't have time to hang out with you. And even if they do have free weekends, they are exhausted and need a break, not put more responsibilities to hang out. And you know what, maybe you do also need to pour yourself into a career and buy a house because that is an investment so you can retire comfortably. You're stupid for not wanting to buy a house because you're just trying to avoid the discomfort of being house poor, because you don't want a long term commitment, and because you lack the practicality to see the benefits of this decision. The only way you can ensure that you have people in your life is by getting married and having a couple of kids because those people are bound to you and you have at least 18 years of community and kids especially can't just go in and out of your life for the time being. And lets me so real, society places more of an emphasis on romantic relationships over friendships. It's normal for friends to hang out only 3 times a year but your romantic partner to be the main person you talk to on a regular basis. And when you're an adult, you can't talk about the bad things happen in your life with your friends because that's immature and trauma dumping since you only see them a couple times a year. You must deal with everything yourself or alongside a significant other if they have the capacity to help granted, they aren't exhausted with their life. You're immature for not wanting a house. You're immature for not wanting a kid. And you're immature for not wanting to make gains in your career monetarily. You're immature and idealistic for not wanting to entertain capitalism because that's the only game in town and that's not going to change anytime soon." I know there is a lot of unpack the section above. And I think a lot of it is symptomatic of late-stage capitalism and the isolation it breeds. This past year has been difficult in terms of nurturing my friendships because everyone has a lot going on in their lives from difficult emotional situations, layoffs, stressful and abusive work environments, and a lack of time to take care of yourself and nurture all your relationships because of work. Like I feel like I must schedule things weeks in advance just to keep in touch with people, much less deepen relationships. I also feel like one of the few people amongst my friends who has a job that pays enough, that does not stress me out to where I want to rot in bed during the weekends, and that doesn't have me working long hours. In a way, I find that because I have so much free time and the room for making plans with people without having to look at a packed schedule weeks in advance, and that this means that I don't have a life. But the thing is, I do have a life. I have a job that makes me work 5 days a week, I do social things here and there, I have hobbies, I work out and take care of myself, and I have a loving relationship. I feel like there is a notion in hustle culture that the busier you are, the more important you are. When your time is scarce and you're packed to the brim, your time is more valuable. And if we were to view my life through this framework my life and my time do seem less important compared to that of my busier friends. Like why do I feel like my life is not eventful just because I'm not overwhelmed by it? Is it wrong that I feel lonely because I have all this time, energy, and love to give my friends, and they don't have time even for themselves? Does the fact that I have time to be lonely instead of running around being so busy that I can't feel my loneliness a symptom of me not working hard enough? Am I a lazy and aimless person because I don't have that dream career that I'm willing to sacrifice all my time for so that I can buy a house and have kids? I feel like a precursor to this existential crisis is the existential crisis I had back in 2021 / 2022 where I was like *I don't have dream job because I don't dream of labor and I want a soft life.* I remember thinking this to myself in college and the attitude I had towards school. It's similar to the attitude I have with work where I don't give a fuck about a career or working my ass off but I'm still willing to do a good job. I had this attitude towards school where I cared about my grades and I would aim for high B's and low A's because I'm not willing to drive myself insane for getting 4.0 GPA. I chose my degree not only out of the practicalities of the job market but because the classes I took genuinely made me feel more educated and because life around me made more sense. And amidst this existential crisis about not dreaming of labor and just wanting a chill life, I came to the realization that I am an ambitious person, but my ambitions aren't tied to my career advancement. I'm ambitious towards my personal development through therapy, self-education, self-care, and participating in the community. I'm ambitious towards the relationships I have in my life. I'm ambitious in my hobbies. And I'm ambitious about creating a life of contentment where I don't feel like I have to escape from it, whether it be escaping through travel, consumerism, illicit substances or other addictions, or any other form of compulsory distraction. I think I am still that type of ambitious person except now, the landscape has significantly changed since graduating college. It's so much easier to be sucked into capitalism and centering your life around men and babies because of career stress and the social isolation from your peers. The death of third spaces makes it difficult to meet people in real life and the lack of time, energy, and money people have contribute to difficulties in maintaining relationships. It sometimes feels like a privilege to be and to have good friends. I'm fortunate enough to be able to even think like this because I lucked out and got a job that pays me well and doesn't stress me out. I'm fortunate to still have my ambition manifest in an anti-capitalist way because I have the material conditions to do so. ------------------------------ I feel the world getting colder and people becoming hyper individualistic. I sometimes feel like people pleaser because I want to be the type of friend who picks people up from airports, who helps out with friends, who helps people move, who gives their neighbor a cup of sugar so they don't have to drive to the grocery store just for sugar, and does things that are slightly inconvenient to help people out and be a part of a community. But I'm not being a people-pleaser for having these desires because I'm not doing this out of a feeling of obligation, because I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't, and because I lack boundaries. I'm have these desires because I have an abundance of time and energy and I want to share that with the people around me and I want to put the social back into socialism. In a hyper individualistic world where many people are in survival mode, being the type of person who is pro-social and has the capacity to go out of their way can look like people-pleasing. In a world where many people have a scarcity of time and energy and as a result hyper-individualism is the norm, having the abundance to pour yourself into things other than work can look irresponsible towards future professional and financial goals and like you're sacrificing yourself by centering other people. I don't know, maybe I need to get out of the suburbs where the American dream is the default and is more reinforced as what it means to do life right. Maybe I need a change of scenery that can make my life and aspirations feel more realistic. I'm tired of driving around and not seeing people but seeing cars and the isolation I feel from an environment made for machines instead of people and communities. I'm tired of living in a suburban area where home ownership seems like the only logical next step. I'm tired of watching people in jobs they don't like so they can pay for a 30-year mortgage and support their kids, not because there is anything wrong with that but because that's the only thing that I see. I'm tired of seeing the overconsumption of upper middle class suburbanites that have like 30 Stanley cups in different colors to match their outfits, who have gigantic ass trucks that are just mall crawlers, who go to hipstery places that prioritize vibes over food, who spend my gas money on moisturizer from Sephora, and who spend so much on consumerism and trends as a way to have a personality and meaning in life (newsflash: going to target is not a hobby and is actually really sad that some people think it is). At the same time, I feel like in America, you're stuck trying to pick your flavor of capitalist poison. You get the isolation, and the soulnessness described above in the suburbs. You get shitty living conditions and expensive rent, and everyone is on the constant hustle to keep their heads above water due to greedy landlords in walkable cities since the US has like 5 walkable cities and they're all expensive af. And you get some of the worst poverty and lack of opportunity in rural areas which becomes a breeding ground for right wing lunatics. So, while I feel like I need a change of scenery, I also feel like I might be trading one form of poison for another since the real problem out of all of this is capitalism. I feel the world getting colder and I don't blame them since blankets and heaters are being stolen by the owning class in late-stage capitalism. And given the recent election, I know things are about to get colder and harder for regular people. People aren't bad, it's the material conditions. It's harder to envision a warmer and newer, better world when people are struggling to get by. I include myself in this. It's easier to lean on antiquated traditions such as the American dream and traditional gender roles as a form of stability and notion of what it means to be living life right because it is less work that thinking about a new way to do life. And doing less work in envisioning a better future isn't a moral failing rather it's a survival mechanism so that you have the energy to do the work get through your current circumstance. Maybe that's why I feel aimless despite the fact that I have ambitions. Maybe my anti-capitalist ambitions feel pointless because it takes away from the work I could be putting in order to thrive in capitalism. Maybe this aimlessness I feel is evidence of the pointlessness of goals that used to make sense under the status quo, but that status quo is crumbling as I speak due to the greed of billionaires that profit off unfair wages, over consumption, overpriced homes, and skyrocketing rent prices, I guess I am ambitious in an anti-capitalist sense but I look and feel aimless because we live in capitalism and that is the default ideology that dictates the way we view the world, what long term goals we have, and how we should prioritize our time and energy. I think I have plenty of things to unpack going forward but at the end of the day, I want to put the social back into socialism and live a cozy life with my friends. My five-year plan is to hang out with my friends and tell them I love them.

TLDR: In conclusion, it's not so simple to say whether stage green is losing or gaining ground since the election. We're living in a chaotic time where some people are regressing to orange and blue due to survival pressures but some people are being catapulted to more green in various areas of life. We're amidst a messy collective ego backlash from the influences and cultural zietgist of 2008 to 2019 for better and for worse.