soos_mite_ah

I feel mid... This is going to make me sound like an asshole but I was hanging out with some people the other day who were quite impressive and I found myself feeling very mediocre in comparison. I know, I know, I should be happy for them and see it as aspirational and that's the right, good person, way to feel but I found myself feeling inadequate. I graduated from a mediocre university and I didn't even have a good GPA. I'm not the type of person who reads 50+ books a year. I'm not super busy in terms of my social calendar. I'm not out here working at a high paying job nor do I have a side gig. I'm not super athletic to where I'm running marathons and shit. And I don't have a masters degree. I don't think I'm a loser.I graduated with a double major and I think I'm decently educated in the world around me. I do read like a handful of books per year. I have a job that pays me well enough to support myself and to where I'm content with my life in a material sense. I have some close relationships. I have hobbies. I do have a habit of working out regularly even if I do suck at things and i'm not particularly atheletic. I have decent habits in terms of functioning in my day to day life and in terms of taking care of myself. I'm financially stable and have good saving, spending, and investing habits. I have some career related goals I have met. I travel every now and then. I have worked through most (but not all) of my issues regarding childhood trauma. I have decent communication and conflict resolution skills. I think in most metrics, I'm not failing at life. But I don't feel like I'm excelling either. I just feel painfully average. As narcissistic as it might sound, I think I do wish I had something that made me special or made me stand out in some way. I think there is a part of me that thinks it will make me more interesting, more desirable socially, and someone who is easier to connect to. I think it's also because I don't have the best core of self esteem and that part of my psyche never got properly formed growing up. If I were to describe myself, my brain will blank out. I'm not notably any particular personality, trait, or characteristic. I can't say I'm smart. I can't say I'm pretty. I can't say that I excel at x y or z. I feel like a grey blob.

I think I'll try to make my own list and I think it will overlap a lot with the original post as well: quality relationships among friends and family where you're actively involved in people's lives and have fostered a sense of closeness and emotional vulnerability as well as light heartedness a general sense of community which yields to a broader sense of connectedness beyond your inner circle to something bigger than yourself a sense of purpose through work + gaining mastery over a craft of your choice which also helps people as a whole physical activity in hobbies and interests that make you happy, not necessarily to get ripped or look a certain way (it can be something simple as going on a walk every day, something intense like training for a marathon to challenge yourself, a sport of your choice like soccer, volleyball, hiking, weightlifting etc. or, something you do with your friends and family like team sports, going out dancing, etc.) creative hobbies that allow for self expression and self exploration so that you're not just consuming things and you're also producing a sense of curiousity and wonder in the world (it can look like having things you like learning / researching about, reading a genre of your choice, being curious and asking people about their lives, interests, experiences, and also just being mindful of your surrounds and enjoying the creation of consciousness). eating well (this can mean eating healthy and balanced meals but it also means having a good relationship with food so you're not restrictive and also being able to enjoy a meal out with friends, maybe a few drinks in a social setting, or a nice treat every now and then) creating enough free time to rest, ponder, be bored, just hang out in an unstructured setting, and chill so you aren't booked to the brim working through unhealthy patterns, family issues, addictions, etc. so that they don't negatively impact your happiness and quality of life building a life that you genuinely want after deconstructing social patterns and norms (i.e. you might not want to have a suburban house and 2-3 kids but you might still want a family made up of close friends and their kids in a larger city). travelling and learning about different people and cultures as well as being in nature allowing yourself time and space to ask larger questions about life and philosophy as well as meditate / contemplate I can probably think of more but I'll leave this much for now.

75 hard is starting to feel hard // feeling insecure about productivity Today is day 23 out of 75 and I feel like today and yesterday were some of the hardest days so far. I'm on my period. Everything hurts. I'm very low energy and all I want to do is rot in bed until it's over and eat cake, chocolate, and ice cream. But I still have to do the two workouts and stick to the dumb diet. I feel like I cannot think straight and I lowkey regret going on this challenge. I also feel like I was such a lazy sack of shit this week. I think it might be my period but still. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I did a lot of introspection work and a lot of journalling on and offline but I still feel like I didn't do anything because I'm not doing this while working a job. In a way, it feels like my productivity during leave doesn't count because I should ideally be able to do everything I'm doing right now while working 8-10 hours a day. I think part of the reason why I started the "My Days On Leave" journal is to keep track of what I'm doing throughout the day in an effort to show myself that I am actually being productive. I think I have made progress in that I'm not having panic attacks before bed about what I'm doing the next day because I don't have work but I still feel like there is something wrong with me for needing to take a break. I also feel a bit insecure about how busy I'm not. I feel like every time I want to hang out with friends, I have a relatively free schedule but then when I try to make plans, my friends are all super busy to where I have to schedule things out 6 weeks in advance. This is not a new thing that has been annoying me but lately, I feel like there is something wrong with me on how I do have free time. I know that I have hobbies, a job (usually), goals I'm working towards, and a couple of important relationships in my life. I'm not like a loser with no life. But sometimes, it feels like I am because I'm not booked to the brim gasping for air.

6/3 Day 16 woke up at around 9:30 journaled went out for lunch read a book watched youtube videos went on a walk did some chores around the house meditated made dinner spent time with boyfriend 6/4 Day 17 woke up at around 8:30 watched youtube videos journaled a lot made lunch went to therapy journaled some more went to a work out class took an everything shower made dinner watched some TV went on a walk read a book 6/5 Day 18 woke up at 10:30 because of nightmares made brunch went on a walk (hated it because I was on my period) laid around a lot, didn't do much because of cramps watched longer form youtube videos (a couple of videos that are like 2 hours long) took a nap went to the gym made dinner went to a sound bath meditation got a flat tire while coming back, got that fixed up (sort of) watched TV with my boyfriend and talked for a little bit 6/6 Day 19 woke up at around 9 stayed in bed for a while because of cramps ate a small breakfast went on a walk took a shower went out to lunch with some friends hung out for a while came home spent time with boyfriend ate dinner played mario kart with boyfriend did a work out read a book journalled for a little bit.

I have decided to take a break from my corporate job for about 8 weeks as it was slowly eroding my mental health. I kind of want to keep track on what I have been up to during this time off and I'm going to use this space as a daily diary of sorts. I want to make sure I'm on track with my goals and that my days don't just blur together. My main insights and reflections are going to be in my main journal though.

"You Would Be An Amazing Mother" I hate when people say this to me. I know people mean well when they say it and it's usually in response to how deeply I'm thinking about this subject or it's a compliment based on basic character traits they know about me. But I hate it. I feel like people who utter this phrase often have no clue what they are talking about. I'm pretty sure people said the same thing to my mother. And let's just say, without going into detail of the trauma that I had to sort out in years of therapy, that my mom wasn't a good parent. I also know that throughout the years, people have told my mom that she's worked so hard at being a mom and that she's doing such a great job, while they are completely left in the dark on the abuses that occur behind closed doors. In my opinion, we put motherhood on a pedestal. We see mothers as saints while at the same time scrutinize their every move. I think that's the nature of pedestaling anyone. We see them as highly but that same distance causes us to dehumanize them. We think mothers always know best and that they are always self sacrificial. That narrative doesn't make room for toxic or abusive mothers. People already have a narrative that women cannot be abusers and often times, male victims of abuse at the hands of a woman are often discredited and disbelieved. People already have a narrative that men kind of suck so if you talk about how your dad sucked, it's pretty believable. At the same time, because people have the narrative that men suck, the moment that a man does the bare minimum as a parent like changing a diaper or "baby sitting" their kid, they are seen as exemplary. But on the flip side, if you tell people that your mom sucked, they don't believe you, they often think you're being too harsh on her, and they think you should just forgive and make amends. And yes, there is something to be said that women are put under so much pressure and scrutiny that to be considered an amazing mother is a tall order and that even being a decent mom is a feat. So you don't want to double down on that pressure and you can also empathize with the systemic issues you own mom dealt with. But, that doesn't erase mistreatment. And I think that's why the phrase "as a woman I understand but as your daughter that hurt" rings true. I also think this is why there is the sentiment of how daddy issues make a person angry but then mommy issues make people into psychologists lol. And whose to say that the same thing won't happen with me where everyone says I'll be a good parent but then I fail miserably? Sure, I'm in therapy and I think I have dramatically different life circumstances and mindsets compared to my mom, but whose to say I won't find a different way to fuck up my kid while everyone outside my household goes on to say how much of a great parent I am? The only person whose opinion on my parenting I care about is of my own hypothetical kid... when they are 25 years or older. I don't care about what my hypothetical kid thinks of me when they are 10 years old throwing a tantrum or 15 years old and pushing my boundaries. I care about what they think once they are old enough to properly reflect on their childhood and discern good and bad parenting.

Breasts and Eggs I remember seeing a post a while back on the childfree side of the internet hyping up the book Breasts and Eggs. It's been in my Amazon cart for while and I finally decided to buy it and read it given that I have extra time on my hands and I'm grappling with my own complicated thoughts about motherhood. I remember the post that recommended Breats and Eggs said that it might not give you the answers on whether or not you should have a child but it will make you think and question. I thought this was the perfect book for me given that description because of my own ambiguous stance on whether or not I should have a kid. And I do agree with that assessment of the book, that it doesn't lecture you or spoon feeds a narrative and is instead more exploratory around the subject of womanhood as a whole. The first section, Breasts, talks about plastic surgery, the changes a woman's body goes through, and how that is viewed in society and how women view themselves. The second section, Eggs, is about the main character, Nasuko who is a writer in her mid-late thirties looking into options on getting pregnant without being in a romantic relationship. This section talks about artificial insemination, how people concieved through artificial insemination view the proceedure, the ethics of having a kid, and more. I'm mainly going to focus on the second part as that relates to the purposes of this journal. I feel like as a reader, I went in hoping this book will aid in my introspection around the topic of whether or not I should be a parent. I will say, I went into this book with an agenda in mind. I do like how the book handled various topics around existentialism, choice, consent, poverty and socioeconomic status, gender poltics in Japan, family structures, various forms of conception, and the various life choices the women in this book have made and the relationships they have with their bodies. Again, very exploratory and very well executed. At the same time, I go back to the original social media post that recommended me this book and how it said that it will compell you to ask questions and get you thinking. I don't think this book really had me thinking about questions I hadn't thought of before. In that way, it didn't feel like it added anything new to my stances or thinking processes around becoming a parent. It didn't feel as thought provoking to me because my head already had thoughts provoked lol. As a result, the book fell flat to me, not because of the contents of the book or how it was written, but because of how I as the reader came in with an agenda and in some ways I felt like the agenda wasn't fulfilled. That said, I still quite enjoyed this book. I enjoyed being able to connect to each of the characters and their experiences. In a way, I felt less alone in reading this book through the ambiguity of the main character around her reproductive choices. Sure, the main character is ambiguous on her thought of becoming a parent due to different reasons and is in a very different position from me, but I feel like it's nice having some degree of representation for people in the ambiguous place. I find it lonely having my own existential crisis around whether or not I should have a child. I feel like the vast majority of the people in my life are firmly decided on *yes they do want to one day be a parent and have like 3+ kids* or *no never in a million years do they want to produce a crotch goblin.* I can only think of one person in my life who is undecided and another person in my life who is sure they want to be a parent one day but is incredibly apprehensive. I also feel like this is one of those topics that becomes less and less appropriate to ask about as you get older. I feel like in your early 20s, it's still a weird question to ask but people are still in a more exploratory phase in their lives. But as you move in to your mid 20s (at least in Texas), a lot of people have either settled down or have their minds made up on what settling down looks life for them. As a result, once exploratory questions of whether or not you want to have kids can turn rather invasive and interrogative due to the personal nature of the topic at hand. I also feel like this notion that it's rude to ask people why they want to have kids also plays into the normalization of having kids and how being childfree is considered to be an aberration. It's not weird to ask people why they didn't have kids but it is weird to ask why people chose to have kids? Double standard much? I believe since we have our hang ups on asking other people why they want to have kids interpersonally, that also bleeds into the intrapersonal sphere where a lot of people don't ask themselves why they want to have kids or interrogate the answers that come up. I think it's getting better over time as more people are seeing being childfree as a legitmate lifestyle and not as a punchline about a sad old woman who will die alone with cats. But I still feel the stigma, not in the decision itself, but in the process of arriving to the decision. I remember seeing posts about how if you have doubts on having kids, don't have them because it means you don't truly want them. While I can see how this can be true for some (like don't have a kid from a half-assed desire), I can see on how being 100% sure isn't the best barometer. There are plenty of people who were 100% sure they want to be a parent but they realized they didn't think things through, or they ended up being horrible parents, or the realized that it was way harder than what they anticipated. I feel like my doubts and questions about parenthood isn't rooted in a half assed desire rather it's about wanting to carefully consider a complex decision through comprehensive introspection. I don't treat bringing life into the world lightly and I fear that a substantial number of people treat reproduction way too casually for my liking. Part of the reason why I like the child free community is because while they might not have the answers I'm seeking, they're at least asking the right questions. On the other corner, you have the pro reproduction side of things that can range any where from people being on autopilot, religious people and conservatives trying to convince you that your purpose as a woman is to pop out a soccer team of kids, and some people that overly idealize parenthood whether it is intentional or unintentional. In the way that the child free community encourages exploration and in the way that I feel isolated in my own exploratory process, I believe that Breasts and Eggs provided a solace for me and honors that exploration.

@Yimpa Thank you, I'm glad you're liking this format

5/30 Day 12 gonna be honest, I don't remember much of what I did this day since I'm writing this like 4 days later woke up around 8:30 went to my 2 hour workout class showered and had lunch read my book watched Youtube videos ate dinner played pickleball went to sleep 5/31 Day 13 woke up around 7:30 went on a walk ate something small for breakfast went to Academy Sports and Outdoors to pick up a few things did the groceries carried the groceries home and put things away drove downtown for a Fifa kick off event and hung out there for a bit ate a late lunch came home took a nap read a book took a long shower ate dinner did an at home workout went to sleep 6/1 Day 14 Woke up around 9 watched some youtube videos planned out my interntional trip to Australia only to realize I don't have the budget to do that right now had lunch started researching on my trip to Africa journalled for a bit went on a walk did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen > the kitchen was a mess and this took like an hour went to the grocery store to pick up a few things made dinner read a book listened to music spent time with my boyfriend 6/2 Day 15 Woke up at around 9 watched some YouTube videos to check the news Went on a walk rotted in bed Made lunch Journalled for a little bit Did my second workout did the laundry took a shower drove an hour to meet a friend hung out with friends for a few hour and drove back home read a book spent time with my boyfriend

Andy Frisella from 75 Hard Andy Frisella is the guy who came up with the 75 Hard Challenge. First off, I want to start by saying that this guy feels like a caricature of Stage Orange. I also can't help but think that he has a similar cadence as Andrew Tate but I think that might just be a podcast bro thing. I feel like it especially comes through in the whole tHIs iS a MEntal ToUGHneSs pROgrAm thing. But I think it was insightful to listen to the reasoning behind the phrase as it is associated witht he challenge. I was listening to this episode and I found myself agreeing and disagreeing with various points and comparing them to the whole concept of the Puer Aternus and the path to maturity. I wrote about the latter in the previous post below: Andy starts the podcast off with how a lot of courses and programs that self help people create don't work because most people don't have the work ethic and follow through to stick to things and work hard. Andy explains that before doing various courses, in order for them to be effective, you need to master skills like discipline, willpower, self worth, fortitude, self control, self esteem, and confidence. He says that these are the building blocks of mental toughness. Each of these skills can be built or they can erode over time. These aren't inherent to us. As a result, 75 Hard is a training program to help. I don't think that 75 Hard is the only way to cultivate these qualities and I would suggest that there are better paths at building these traits through things like therapy and working through your issues. I think having this attitude that you need to grow these qualities rather than expecting yourself to just be born with it relates to the Puer Aeternus bit that you cannot put yourself, life, or other people on a pedestal. I also agree with the notion that it's not always the course/ program's fault if something doesn't work. Sometimes it's the person doing the course/ program. 75 hard requires zero deviations and zero compromise because the program is supposed to be hard and supposed to be inconvenient. This is because in life, conditions will never be perfect and you will need to do things you don't want to do. You need to intentionally put yourself in places that were uncomfortable. And when you start tweaking and compromising, that opens the door to quitting. Then he started going on about how people in difficult situations all completed the program like people who were 3 days out from giving birth, people who had multiple jobs, and people who don't have arms and legs. The good points from this section include doing things that are hard and inconvenient, putting yourself in uncomfortable situations in order to grow, and how sometimes tweaking and compromising is just a way to make excuses and avoiding doing what you need to do. One of the ways that you learn to grow up and outgrow the Puer Aeternus archetype is by doing the boring, monotonous thing and showing up consistently. The Dr. K video in the post that I linked above, talks about how the Puer Aeternus is able to muster monumental effort in a short period of time when conditions are perfect but they cannot sustain their efforts on a normal, average, boring, rainy day. And then, Puer Aeternus will blame the conditions rather than evaluate themselves and where they are falling short. I think one of the things I like about this challenge (which I will write about later on) is how I feel like this challenge forces you to grapple with your own relationship to consistency and take it to the next level. I like how this challenge is a longer period of time like 75 days because in those 75 days, you will have good days, bad days, boring days where you feel like you're just grinding, and days where you simply don't feel like it. And I think learning to be consistent through all of that and shift your schedule to accommodate to the priorities of this challenge is part of also outgrowing the Puer Aethernus archetype. I have also written about the importance of inconvenience and the ways that the culture around convenience: The thing I disagree with is the notion that tweaking and compromising always leads to quitting or making excuses. It's less about the fact you're compromising and more about why you're compromising. Later in the podcast, Andy talks about how his attorneys made him create the disclaimer that you need to consult a physician or health care professional before doing 75 Hard and how you shouldn't do it if your physician or health care provider advises against it. He also says that you want to use common sense (i.e. don't do you outdoor workout if there is a flood or thunderstorm) and talks about being able to differentiate between your common sense vs making excuses. Being able to differentiate between your common sense and making excuses is something I agree with. This section regarding the disclaimer did annoy me a bit regarding his tone. It made it sound like he's adding this disclaimer just to protect himself from legal reprucussions rather than actually believing what he says. His tone felt like *ugggh my lawyers are making me say this* I think as I'm looking at my life and this challenge, my decision to not drink a gallon of water a day and my decision to not take a progress picture everyday is more so rooted in the *I'm trying to accomodate for medical issues* bit rather than me finding excuses. I will say that my compromise on the type of book I'm reading can fall into the excuses category in Andy's eyes but I don't agree with his reasoning. The podcast talks about how the books you read on this challenge has to be nonfiction and self development related. This is because it has to educate you and grow you. It's not entertainment. I do see the benefit of challenging yourself by picking up something that may be difficult and is intended to educate you. But I disagree with the notion that nonfiction and self development content is the only way to do that or that it is even the most effective in achieving this goal. I don't agree with the notion that all fiction is purely passive entertainment. I think anything can be passive forms of entertainment, even nonfiction works, and it has less to do with the content and more to do with how you're relating, analyzing, and grappling with the subject matter. A piece of fiction can be a very challenging and educational read, especially from a literacy standpoint, and if you are using media literacy to really sit with the various themes, messages, and the way concepts are portrayed in the book, in some ways, fiction can be a more transformational and educational force than nonfiction. I also think that the part where he lists out all the difficult situations where people have completed the program to be a classic example of cherry picked datapoints and survivorship bias. Of course you're going to hear about the few people who completed the challenge, not the people who weren't able to and/or have constructive criticism towards this challenge. And I think the extent of which a challenge like this is doable and sustainable does depend on a lot of lifestyle factors. Me doing this challenge now that I'm not working doesn't have the same degree of discipline as if I was trying to do this while also working a typical 8 hours. Not to mention, cherry picking evidence doesn't take any systemic factors into account which to me points to a lack of introspection and situational awareness. I also think that one off, extreme examples aren't particularly helpful or sustainable. The podcast uses the example of the guy who ran 50 Ironmans consecutively through 50 states who lost all his toe nails on day 3. Don't get me wrong, I do think that is a feat and that is exemplary of mental toughness, but I don't think we should encourage extremes which I'm going to delve into the next bullet. He discredits professionals and psychologists that talk about how you need to take baby steps to establish habits or that this program yields to over training and is bad for you. He then goes on this think about how this isn't for people who want to be like everyone else, this is for people who want to win, who want to dominate, and who want to develop their own super power that other people will never have. Already, we're not off to a great start with a podcast bro discrediting experts in their fields who have worked with a number of people and have done extensive research. Sure, the baby step approach doesn't work as well for a certain subset of people who just need to jump into a habit or a challenge. But broadly speaking, having a perfectionistic attitude where you have to start over in day 1 if you fall short even a little bit on any task or not having any accommodations/ room for error is not a great way to cultivate good habits and create something sustainable that you can maintain. This doesn't work for most people by design, not because most people suck. Then there is the whole attitude of wanting to be better than other people and to win/ dominate...... I just don't think this is a healthy or constructive attitude to take and it lacks compassion for yourself and other people. I think this also ties into the whole Puer Aeternus archetype because it's this emphasis on wanting to be great, heroic, and larger than life, than actually doing the real work and being a normal person. This section immediately made me think of the following notes I took in the Puer Aeternus post I linked above: Finally, Andy talks about how no one is going to check up on you so it's important to have integrity. This is because you need to learn to coach yourself. You also shouldn't skimp on the small details because that will cost you in the end. I do like this point as someone who values having integrity in their life. I think being honest with yourself an learning to guide yourself to achieve your goals is a valuable skill to have. And I think that paying attention to the small things is important so long as it's not obsessive or perfectionistic. The other point I kept thinking about as I was listening to this podcast is the wayt hat Andy has a very perfectionistic outlook on what discipline can look like from the whole rule that says you have to start over the challenge if you mess up a little bit to some of the extreme nature of his tasks. I think the part I disagree with his whole philosophy really, is that you can be gentle with yourself and you can be disciplined. If anything, often those two things go hand in hand. Here are some things I have written in previous posts: I would say that if there is one concept that I wish Andy Frisella would understand is this concept of undisciplined discipline. I made a list of how I characterized gentleness and later how this overlaps with discipline. I made the entry below after trying to build discipline over the course of a year and failing and after I evaluated my emotional needs at the time while combining what I learned in the college courses I was taking.

Unconditionally Wanting Parenthood I think a lot of people think about the topic about whether or not they will unconditionally love their child when trying to decide whether or not they want to have a child. I do think that is a worthy question to think about but I also think that another question that needs to be asked more is whether or not you unconditionally want to be a parent. I think when it comes to talking about choosing to reproduce, even in our language we default to the phrase "have a kid" rather than "be a parent." I even try to moderate the phrasing in my journal as well because I think it's easy to have a kid, hell for some people it happens accidentally, but not everyone who has a kid is a parent, much less a good parent. I also think about all the regretful parents posts that talk about how they love their kid but they hate motherhood and if they could go back in time, this would not be the path they would have chosen. But at the same time, since the kid is already her and they love their kid, it's not like they wish any harm on the kid. I think there is healthy and unhealthy forms of unconditionally wanting parenthood. I think the unhealthy form is wanting to have the kid even if you're in a terrible circumstance that would compromise how you would show up to be a parent. I don't think it's a good idea in most cases to have a kid when you're in your teens and early 20s, in the middle of a messy relationship, dealing with addiction issues, dealing with the aftermath of rape, in poverty etc. And I have many reasons why I think it's important for women to have bodily autonomy and choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. A lot of people who have had abortions don't fall into the childfree by choice category. In many cases, they can recognize that even though they want to be a parent, they don't want to be a parent under these circumstances. I think I also saw a statistic that 95% of people who have had an abortion when asked about it 5 years later, they either have no feelings towards the situation or they have positive feelings associated with the fact that it was a good decision at the time. However, there are people who see tumultuous life circumstances and still prioritize their selfish desire to have a child. And I think that's wrong and unhealthy. At the same time, I guess you can also argue that often times, this subset of people are operating under the lens of having a kid as opposed to wanting to be a parent. The healthy form of unconditionally wanting to be a parent is deciding that you want to be a parent regardless of what is happening in your personal life or broader society. You want to have a kid regardless of whether you have a community or not. Sure, a community would be helpful and may be preferred, but you would still want to have the kid even if you're going through a season of not having friends for example. You would want to be a parent regardless of financial circumstances. Definitely it's best to save and have some kind of planning, but even if you prepare, there is still a chance that you may go through some kind of financial hardship over the course of 20 years. It's deciding you still want to show up and be a parent even after your parents and family pass away. It's deciding you still want to be a parent even if a war erupts and you have to protect your family. It's deciding you want to be a parent even if your spouse suddenly passes away and you have to raise the kid yourself with little to no help. I have mentioned in a previous post that I would only want to have a kid under specific circumstances. I have also talked in the post right before this one the type of preparation I would ideally want to have in place before giving birth. So I know I'm not in the category of unconditionally wanting to be a parent in the unhealthy sense. But even though I'm going through a phase where I want to have a child, I wonder to what extent it's conditional. My whole deal with my decision to have a kid is rooted in having informed consent with myself. I think basic consent comes from allowing yourself to have a choice on whether or not you want to bring life into this world and seeing being childfree as an option. I can't say that the previous generations of women in my family really had that choice. But I want to move beyond basic consent to informed consent. I'm doing this by weighing each factor of what it takes to raise a kid well into consideration and seeing what I do and don't want to do in terms of putting in effort through the introspective process. I will admit, part of the reason why this feels like a difficult decision is because while I have good reasons to stay with my current partner and be child free for the rest of my life or break up with my partner and pursue the path of having a kid one day, I also have some fear based thinking on both sides. It's weird saying this for me since I grew up as an introverted only child who is comfortable doing things by herself, but I think there is a part of me that is afraid of being completely alone. I think learning to be alone is one thing and learning to be alone in adulthood is another given how much the landscape of socialization changes after you exit the school environment. One thing that I'm contemplating is to what extent I would want to have a kid if I already had a community for myself. I don't have much of a community at this time and I think that incentivizes me hanging on to my current partner and it also makes me think that having a kid can be a way that I can gain a sense of community later on when the kid starts going to school and starts making friends. I wonder if I already had a sense of community, would that make me want to have a kid more or less? It could make me want to have a kid more because I have more to give to the kid. Or it could make me want the kids less since I have different forms of connection in my life and I'm not as attached to the motherhood route. I think the former on having a community and wanting to be a parent more would be an indication of wanting to be a parent unconditionally because I already know that there is a spark of desire to have a kid even when there is no community. As for money, I think I would want to have a kid regardless of my financial status. I think I have enough of a cushion built up monetarily and careerwise to where I can withstand difficult situations and that I can recover. Ideally, I wouldn't want financial issues in the first 4 years of being a parent but I think after that, I would be able to withstand most things. As for other poltical / sociological issues going on that's out of my control, I think I would prefer to not have a kid during the 2020s (I mean I wasn't planning on having a kid in my 20s period) but especially during these chaotic times. If I was 36 right now, I think I would have a different take where I would have more pressure to have a kid if I really wanted to amidst these chaotic political times since I wouldn't have the biological luxury of waiting it out. But since I'm 26, I think I have about 7-10 years to wait out this period of chaos to see if things will get better and if I could give birth in better circumstances. I think there are some things that I'm apprehensive about like climate change, AI, the crumbling public education system, expensive health care, school shootings, etc. Sometimes I wonder if bringing life into this world is ethical, because low key, I don't want to be here either. I don't mean this in a depressive, I want to eject myself from existance way, but in a *girl, I didn't consent to being alive and try to live laugh love in this situation.* Like, despite everything going on, I still am finding ways to find joy and see life as worth living. But it's more of a *hey, since I'm here, I'm trying to make the most of it* kind of way rather than I think life is inherently worth living for. As a result, I think my desire to have a kid, even if it's a temporary phase, during these chaotic times, is a sign of hope because I can sense some things getting better. Maybe not 5 years from now. I don't have faith in the short term future. But maybe 20+ years from now we'll be in a better place. I wrote about the timing of deciding to be a parent in a previous post: But I also wonder, would I still want to be a parent if there was no gurantee whatsoever that things will improve for me or my kid even if I did have hope. That's where the unconditionality aspect of the question comes back in.

Things I Would Have To Do Prior To Becoming A Parent Financially get things in order: While I'm in a stable place financially as a single person who is only responsible with providing for herself, I will need to do some extra work to financially plan to become a parent. Work with a financial advisor to plan out long term savings like college. Get life insurance and a HSA invest as much as I can in my 401k before having a kid to create a buffer for when I decide to have a kid save a shit ton of money for the first few years (diapers, health care costs, car seats, nursery etc.) Take some parenting classes Get up to date information on how you should care for babies and toddlers safely (because I stg babies can be very delicate and I don't want the thing to die on me because they laid down weird). Take classes on how to discipline your kids effectively: I feel like I know how to discipline kids in theory but I don't have much practice in it. Read a few parenting books on what is and isn't developmentally appropriate over the years : From the child's perspective, I think I encountered a lot of things in my life that was not developmentally appropriate that caused me at times to be too mature for my age, unable to connect to my peers, and miss out on being a young person or in the reverse, caused me to be stunted at times. From the parent's perspective, I think it would be good to know what is and isn't developmentally appropriate so I'm not getting frustrated as easily with the kid's behavior or I'm not internalizing it. Work through my own personal issues Get to a point where you can self regulate and meet your adult responsibilities like 90% of the time no matter what is going on. Deal with my inner critic Continue going to therapy Rearrange the architecture of my life Get a job in my desired industry Move to a walkable city Find a partner worth reproducing with Have more close friends / community so you have a degree of social support

These are some of my basic reflections on the following questions. I think the parts that are bolded are the questions I find myself stuck on as I continue contemplating this.

A Disconnection From Being About a week ago I went to a sound bath mediation session. I have gone to these sessions before and I found them to be quite calming. This session also felt calming but I found my thoughts racing. It wasn't about anything specific, my mind was wandering through various random memories I hadn't thought of in years. The person conducting the meditation was talking a lot about being and allowing yourself to observe your thoughts and feelings rather than being consumed by them. I intellectually understood what she was talking about but emotionally, it felt like a foreign concept. That's when I realized the extent to which my work environment and lifestyle was rotting my connection to spirituality. Since then, I have been using my walks and my workouts as a form of meditation, to be more mindful, and to process various things happening in my life. I have also been working in some silent meditation time as well. I feel like work has put me in a constant state of doing and rushing around to where it's been difficult to just enjoy life at times which is why I wanted this break in the first place. The first week of me being on leave consisted of me being anxious whenever I would go to sleep and wake up. I wrote about it before in the previous post about this topic: The second week was without this clockwork anxiety. I feel like this last week has been be starting to feel like myself again. I feel like I have been able to disconnect from work and feel more refreshed, however, there is this voice in my head that's like *wellp, we feel better, now it's time to get back at it.* Of course I'm not going to do that, I took like 8 weeks off for a reason. I should be allowed to feel like myself and bask in that instead of feeling like I need to get back to work. The fact that there is a voice in my head like that is part of the problem. Today, I caught myself feeling kind of depressed. I woke up at around 8:30 and I didn't want to get out of bed or do anything productive. I knew rotting in bed wasn't going to help so I went on a walk, did some chores, and completed a couple of tasks in my day. I do feel a bit better but the depression is still there. I'm dealing with an existential crisis about my reproductive choices and what that means for my life and current relationship going forward. It's something that I find myself thinking about nearly everyday and it feels quite heavy. I feel lost and disconnected with myself. I know that seems pretty contridictory since I just wrote in the previous paragraph how I'm starting to feel like myself again. I guess the best way I can describe this is that I feel more connected to my selfhood outside of my job but I still feel disconnected from a sense of passion and meaning in my life. My decision to either stay with my partner and be childfree for the rest of my life or to break up with my partner and hope that one day find I someone new and have a child feels very weighty and clouded by a variety of emotions which I'm still trying to make sense of. It's to the point where things that would typically bring me joy like travelling and learning about different cultures feels a bit dull at this time. And I don't know if this is a result of the depression or the natural development of my changing interests.

An Update On 75 Hard: 2+ Weeks In I have been able to stick to it for over two weeks now. My body is recovering faster though I am pretty fatigued and tired. I noticed that I require more sleep now with my increased activity. I find myself going to bed at around 12:30 and then waking up at 9:30 -10 naturally. So that's like a solid 9-9.5 hours of sleep whereas before I would typically need 7-8. I haven't been able to stick to the gallon of water a day thing. Yesterday, I went to the doctor and got my blood pressure taken. It was a 143 over 82. A normal, healthy blood pressure is 120 over 80. The doctor didn't say anything since this was a gynecologist visit. I have never seen my blood pressure that high. I've had instances where my blood pressure was abnoramally low due to the impact of stress on my body so this was very strange for me. I also got a blood pressure reading done about a month ago when giving blood and that came back normal. I thought of my recent lifestyle choices. I have been more active which is good. I'm sleeping better and more which is good. My stress is down since I'm not working which is good. And I'm drinking a shit ton of water. Turns out, if you drink too much water ( not like slightly over what you're supposed to drink, I'm talking like twice the amount you're supposed to) that can cause stress on your heart because it is pushing around extra fluid that its capacity. Symptoms worsen if you drink a shit ton of water at once instead of spacing it out (which is what I was doing to meet the gallon a day goal). Which then shows up on a blood pressure reading being higher than your normal. Then I read the symptoms of high blood pressure and I saw that there is usually a shortness of breath along with nausea. I did find myself experiencing this but I thought it was just anxiety or me not recovering well from workouts. Then, I also read some accounts of people trying to do the 75 Hard challenge where they drank a gallon of water a day and how that is really bad for people with high blood pressure. I did some calculations and I found that for someone who is 5'2", 150 lbs, and a woman who is fairly active, I'm only supposed to be drinking 2-2.5 liters. I was drinking close to 4 liters to get to a gallon a day so I'm sure this is culprit. So yeah, going forward. I'm only going to drink about 2 liters of water a day so that my heart doesn't freak out on me. The workouts have been good. Again, I appreciate how this is helping be get some structure in my day since I'm currently not working. I'm also incorporating more chill workouts like going on walks or doing yoga so that this isn't wrecking my body. I find incorporating the walks and yoga as pretty nice because I think that it is raising my baseline of daily physical activity which I think is good for maintaining sustainable habits and fighting off a sedentary lifestyle. I do find the tougher workouts I have been doing like running and weighlifting are improving so that's always exciting to see. I have also been trying new things in relation to workout classes so that has been fun. I still feel like I'm challenging myself and I have days where I don't want to do my two workouts but I make myself do that anyway. So I'm not taking the easy way out by incorporating more low impact workouts. Finally, I have been doing good with reading an hour a day. So far, I have completed 6 books. I'm pretty proud of myself considering I'm not that much of a reader. I also feel my attention span healing lol. I have been doing a mix of self help, educational, and fiction when it comes to the books I've been reading. I will say that I do to a certain extent understand the 10 pages a day thing when it comes to self help books specifically because sometimes, when you're dealing with totally new self help related content, you want time to comprehend it emotionally and for the message to sink in so that you can embody it. But I feel like if it's an old concept you have been exposed to before or it's a concept you already know about and it's just expanding on it, then you just need to slow down your pace of reading instead of capping it at 10 pages. Plus, I think for my goals for healing my attention span, the more longer passage readings I can do while retaining the information, the better. I remember seeing that part of the literacy crisis is that we tend to read shorter passages (think news articles, blog posts, comments on social media, passages on exams) instead of longer form content like full books.

5/28 Day 10 woke up at around 10 ate breakfast went to a coffee shop started on a new book did some journalling came home went on a walk read some more spent time with my boyfriend made dinner got another workout in went to sleep 5/29 Day 11 woke up at around 9:30 ate a snack did a work out took a shower laid in bed for a couple hours because of food poisoning > skipped lunch took notes / journalled about a book I was reading and finished that book drove to the doctor's appointment, went to the appointment, and drove back spent time with my boyfriend and watched some cute cat and dog videos went out to eat watched an episode of a game show played pickleball went to sleep

5/24 Day 6 woke up went on a walk made lunch cleaned the apartment took a shower journalled for a little bit drove back to my parents' house did a work out video read and finished a book 5/25 Day 7 woke up at around 9:30 went on a walk and went to a cafe > had some red bean bread came home and spent time with parents rotted in bed for a while talked to a friend did a work out video read a book watched a bunch of youtube videos on educational content and stayed up til 2am 5/26 Day 8 woke up at around 6:30 journalled a bit took a nap worked out outside ate lunch journalled some more started planning a trip and researching Australia Had dinner did another workout read a book and took notes 5/27 Day 9 slept a lot ate lunch picked up a package that was delivered in the wrong place read a book went to therapy meditated for a little bit read up on the news got started making dinner went to a workout class came back from said class and took a shower finished making dinner watched an episode of Euphoria went on a walk

@Judy2 Thank you

A Week and a Half into 75 Hard I am starting to get a bit bored of this challenge. But I do think that's a good thing in terms of establishing a routine. I do think that the challenge is working as intended for me as it is giving me structure in my day. I feel like the challenge is somewhat reasonable given that I'm not working. If I had been working 8 hours a day, it would be much more unsustainable. That's not to say it's not hard sometimes. I do think the 2 workouts every day does feel like an overkill. I'm constantly sore and I feel like my body isn't recovering super well even though I am making sure that one of the workouts each day is just me walking. I have noticed that I am sleeping more to accommodate this increase in physical activity. I catch myself needing like 10 hours of sleep instead of 7, which adds to how a challenge like this would be unsustainable if I was working 8 hours. Like the workouts are tiring already to where I need an extra 2-3 hours of sleep. I'm sure if I was adding the stress of working everday to the mix, I would be knocked tf out at like 8 pm every night. I had a workout yesterday that was much harder than anticipated. The workout was advertised as being about an hour long, from 10:15 to 11:15, but then it got extended to 12 ish. So I went in thinking it was going to be an hour and it turned out to be two hours almost. My body felt like jello afterwards and I ended up taking a nap. I was also able to sleep at a normal hour at night as well which is indicative of how exhausted I was given that under normal circumstances, I cannot sleep if I took a nap earlier in the day. I woke up this morning feeling incredibly sore to the point where my bed didn't even feel comfortable. It made me regret the whole 75 Hard challenge because I can feel my body begging for a rest day where I don't do anything at all. But I will say, I did eat lunch and drink a ton of water and I feel a bit better to where I feel like I can at least go on a walk and complete a workout video later in the day. It would probably be something lowkey like yoga because again, my body needs rest. I feel like the water drinking thing is working out for me. I have stayed consistent with the gallon a day thing and I feel like my body has adapted to it for the most part. I find that I pee less if I had a longer workout that had me sweating a lot. I also feel like I don't crave snacking or sugar as much since I started drinking more water. I know the whole *sometimes you're not hungry, you're just thirsty so just drink some water instead of grabbing a snack to see if you really want a snack* mentality. I don't think that's 100% accurate. I think hydration can prevent cravings before they happen but they cannot satisfy cravings once they are there. I have been doing good about reading. The original challenge says to read 10 pages a day but I thought that was dumb so I'm reading an hour a day instead. I feel like it's been good for my brain and I think the fact that I have been able to stick to this is an indication that my attention span isn't as fucked as what I initially anticipated. Granted I haven't been reading anything super challenging just yet but I'm glad I have a good baseline of literacy lol. I read a self help book, one of the smaller books related to my degree, a nonfiction book about hosting and creating community, and currently I'm reading some relatively easy fiction. I have still yet to delve into the more dense books that I read in my college years. But I'm glad that I'm at least building the habit of reading through these books.

5/22 Day 4 Woke up at around 9:30 Went to the gym Drove around downtown dallas for a bit looking for a specific coffeshop (the roads downtown can be a bit confusing) Journalled for a few hours in said coffee shop Went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things for the new receipies I found Was about to start making dinner only to realize that I forgot to defrost the meat in the freezer > ate left overs instead Went on a walk Spent time with my boyfriend Went to a sound bath meditation Read for a little bit 5/23 Day 5 Woke up at around 8:30 Went to a workout class that was like 2 hours long Ate lunch and took a shower Watched some YouTube videos Took a nap Read a book Folded laundry and cleaned up a little Made dinner Remembered I had a friend's birthday to show up for Went on a walk to complete my second workout for the day Got dressed Went out with friends Came home and fell asleep

5/19 Day 1 Woke up at around 9:30 Went on a 45 min walk since I'm doing 75 Hard and I need to do 2 45 min work outs, one of which being outside Tried a new restaurant for lunch Drank my gallon of water throughout the day Did housework: Scrubbed the shower as it was getting gross, did the dishes, cleaned the toilets, mopped the floor, and reorganized my closet. Went to a yoga class for my second work out Went out for dinner to celebrate being on leave Watched an episode of Euphoria Read and finished the book Untouchable by Mulk Raj Anand 5/20 Day 2 Woke up at around 9:30 Did my 45 min walk Cooked Lunch Watched some Youtube videos Meditated for about 30 min Journaled for a couple hours + completed some leave forms + ordered a couple books off Amazon Went to therapy Did the groceries Cooked dinner Played pickleball with my significant other Drank my gallon of water throughout the day Started on the book Having People Over by Chelsea Fagan 5/21 Day 3 Woke up around 10:30 Worked out for an hour and a half at the gym Took an everything shower Met up with my friend for lunch Took a nap Cut my hair Went on a walk for my second outdoor workout Did the dishes Made myself dinner with left overs Watched some Youtube videos Searched up some recipies I want to try Journaled a bit Finished the book Having People Over

My First Day on Leave Yesterday was by first day on leave. I have also been doing the 75 Hard challenge since 5/14. I woke up at around 9:30, feeling guilty for not waking up earlier. I then took myself for a walk for about 45 min to do my first work out and to count it as my outdoor workout. The challenge requires you to do 2 45 min-workouts, one of which being outside. I'm incorporating walking into this mix because doing 2 workouts everyday can result in over training so I want to give myself the opportunity to rest and recover while still staying true to the requirements of the challenge. I also decided to book a yoga class later in the afternoon for the same reason. I feel like I'm 5/6 days into this challenge and I have been sore ever since starting. I've also been peeing constantly because I'm trying to drink a gallon of water a day. It was hard during the first 3 days and I caught myself feeling sick but I found myself getting used to it now. I initially wanted to try out the gallon per day to see if it will work for and modify it to .8 gallons a day if need be but I think I can stick true to the challenge. After walking around for a bit, I went into this new restaurant that opened near me. The food was great and I saw that they had a really good lunch deal so I shared that with a friend and made plans to meet up on Thursday. Then, I came back home and did a bunch of cleaning. I scrubbed down the shower, cleaned the toilets, wiped down all the surfaces, did the dishes, folded the laundry, organized the closet, and mopped the floors. I would say it was very productive and my space felt much nicer afterwards. I was basically doing a bunch of little things I have been putting off. Then, I drove to the yoga studio, did my hour and a half in there, and came home. I made dinner for myself and my partner, did my one hour of reading, and watched Euphoria for an hour. Then, I cleaned the kitchen and started getting ready for bed. I caught myself feeling a bit anxious at around 8:30pm about the next day. I suppose I have been feeling this way for a while because it felt instinctual, like clockwork. The only reason I was able to catch myself was because I started thinking of the tasks I needed to do for work, only to realize I don't have work tomorrow. I think the guilt I felt towards waking up at 9:30 falls in this camp as well where it's like I'm getting this clockwork anxiety. The guilt was coming from not being productive enough and feeling like I'm lazing around on a weekday. Which isn't true because regardless of what time I woke up, I still managed to finish everything I needed to do for the day. I also started getting sad about missing my friends growing up and not having social media because I felt so disconnected. I talked/ cried to my partner about this and journalled about this privately, but I think it's just part of the grief process. I journalled about this today as well. I feel like I'm much more clear headed because I have this extra space today without feeling like I have to jump right into action for my job and as a result, I could sort out my feelings more. I think there is a distinction between being able to regulate your emotions versus processing them. Regulating your emotions has to do with identifying what you're feeling and finding a way to resolve those feelings (hopefully in a healthy way lol). Processing on the other hand, involves being able to zoom out, take a step back from how you're feeling so you can observe it, make sense of what happened, and move forward / accept things. I think while I was working, I have been semi-decent at regulating my emotions so that I can still be functioning person at my job and in terms of keeping up with various household duties. But I noticed that my ability to process was cut down / slowed down compared to what I was like when i was in college. And so much of it is because I have 8 hours of intense work taking up a lot of my time and energy to where I have only scraps of my capacity towards processing things happening in my life. That's not to say I haven't been processing and introspecting since I started my job, but it is to say I have been processing at a more extended timeline. Things that I could have processed in a day or two, like the wave of grief that came over me that I feel I have mostly processed less than 24 hours later, might take me a week if I had been working. And while I'm not seeing a pile up on things I need to process, I think that some issues in my life has been dragging on because of the time and energy constraints I have for processing due to a lot of that time and energy being dedicated to my job. Which is why I thought taking leave was a good option for me.

I was just browsing Leo's journal and I came across the following article. I felt really seen when I read this and I wanted to keep it somewhere I can easily find it (i.e. my own journal). I have also decided to hold off of psychedelics until age 25 but it may be longer since I'm trying to get certain things in my life in order (I'm 26 now). I made this rule for myself at 20 because I didn't want to accidentally fry my brain before the frontal lobe was cooked. Hold Off On Psychedelics If You're Young By Leo Gura - April 13, 2026 I recommend that you don’t do psychedelic until the age of at least 25, so that they don’t derail your focus on mastering survival. I also recommend you don’t get into heavy, regular use of psychedelics until at least the age of 30, for the same reason. Heavy and regular use of psychedelics will significantly derail your work on basic survival, family, relationships, career, and business. You need to have those things in place before you dive deep into trans-human states of consciousness or your overall life will be negatively impacted. Your 20’s should be focused on mastering basic survival: career/business, dating & social life, practical self-help, practical psychology, life purpose, financial security, emotional stability — not chasing mystical states. Be strategic about how you pace all this out. It is not good to dive early into psychedelics while the rest of your life is a half-baked mess. Your 20’s is all about building the practical foundation to handle all your basic survival needs, so you are not desperate and cornered. If you trip a couple times a year between 25-30, that’s okay. But if you’re tripping weekly or even daily, that will derail your foundation-building too much. If you take a lot of psychedelics, they will disillusion you with material life. This is okay later on in life, but a big problem early on in life before you solved survival. I am so disillusioned with life that it’s hard for me to even care about business, finances, dating, family. This is dangerous for an unestablished youngster. Disillusionment is a serious thing. You don’t want to be dealing with it while you are starting your business or career. Working on material success demands a certain level of illusionment. Deep spiritual work isn’t free, it has a cost, which is why most people don’t do it. I even want to go as far as saying, don’t do psychedelics at all until you’re 30+. The longer you hold off the better. I want you to be successful before you open that can of worms. I know that’s disappointing for those of you who are eager, but psychedelics are truly no light matter.