soos_mite_ah

Redefining Common Points of Self Improvement If you have been consuming self help content long enough, or hell even if you aren't super into self help (you probably encountered this anyway because people who do these things don't stfu about it) and you're trying to optimize your habits and life style, chances are you probably ran into some or all of the following: The benefits of waking up at 5 am Clean eating through a restrictive diet either through juice cleansing, keto, veganism, etc. Working out everyday for an hour Bettering your social skills Reading a book every week for a year And while all of these things are important, I think it's important to acknowledge the people who no matter how hard they try, they simply can't sustain that habit. And no I'm not going to put the blame on a lack of vision, a lack of discipline, laziness, or ego backlash. I don't think our human nature is something we need to fight rather it's something that we need to work with to find what is optimal for us individually. Waking Up at 5 am: Take the benefits of waking up at 5 am for example. I stg I always run into people telling me about the benefits of waking up early, getting a head start on the day and whatever the fuck. I also have a shitty sleep schedule 90% of the time. However, it's only a shitty sleep schedule because it doesn't conform to the whole "early bird get the worm" concept. I have nevertheless tried to do the whole wake up at 5 am every day thing and it wasn't feasible for me. So here is what I do instead. Instead of focusing on what time I wake up, I focus on the amount of sleep I get in the night. To me, even if say I go to sleep at 2 am and wake up at 10am, that's still better for me personally than going to sleep at 12am and waking up at 5am. That's part of the reason why waking up at 5 am was so unsustainable for me. I could keep it up for like 3 weeks but after that, I would've racked up on my sleep debt which is the amount of sleep you didn't get in a certain period of time which then piles up and starts affecting you emotionally and physically. Then, to recover from that, I would sleep for like 12-13 hours one day and then all of my "progress" would've gone out the window and my sleep schedule would get messed up. I guess the easiest solution is to go to bed sooner so I do get in my 7-8 hours before waking up at 5 am. But that would mean that I would have to go to sleep at 10 or 9pm which doesn't even make sense to me. Unless I'm going through something where I'm adjusting for time differences, it's very unlikely that I can go to sleep that early in the day, even if I take exhaustion into consideration. No matter how tired I am, I can't go to sleep before 11:30. Normally, my sleep schedule is that I fall asleep sometime between 12-1am. And I decided that I'm going to work with that instead of against it. I can normally focus on 6-8 hours of sleep (6 given I'm not doing that everyday) so if I go to sleep at 12 am, I'm probably going to still be able to wake up at 7-8, 6 if we are pushing it. And to me, it's much more important to consider what I do during my time awake than to see what time I wake up. Like regardless of what time I wake up, the same shit gets done anyway in a timely manner. Sure some days it drags on more in the night, but that works for me because I'm a night owl. My point is that productivity doesn't look the same for everyone. I'm still productive even when I wake up at 10-11am during the weekend and for the longest time I didn't recognize that because everyone painted that off as laziness or saw it as a sign of me being undisciplined. It made me feel like something was wrong with me and that this was a symptom of my sleep schedule being messed up which then I would try to over correct during the week by waking up early, thus causing me to be sleep deprived by the time the weekend comes along, and therefore causing me to mess up my sleep schedule even more. Being a night owl aside, I do have some checks so that I don't go off the rails and start falling asleep at 4 am and waking up at 12 pm. I make sure that I have like an 8 am or 9 am class (despite literally everyone advising against it) so that I'm forced to wake up. In those cases, I don't need all that much will power because the sense of responsibility caries me. And plus, I'm probably going to have to wake up accordingly when I start work after graduating anyways. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clean Eating: I'm not going to get too into this because I have an entire journal dedicated to it and my journey but this is my over all take. Eat what genuinely makes you happy and feel good and have a healthy relationship with food. That means, instead of focusing on all of the things you can't eat, focus on the things that you can and you are excited to eat. And you can do this while taking dietary restrictions into account. For example, if you are trying to cut out meat, don't focus on the steak that you can't eat, focus on eating whatever vegan or vegetarian dish you really enjoy. Or if you hate drinking celery juice in the morning, don't drink celery juice. There are plenty of other options out there when it comes to eating healthy. You can explore different cultures and flavors, and figure out what really works for you. Because if you genuinely enjoy a lifestyle and it's easy you're going to keep doing it. Feeling like you need to restrict 90% of food and eating chicken and brown rice isn't going to help. All it's going to do is make you feel deprived, cause you to binge, and then you're going to feel even worse about yourself. Also, if you have a craving, just let yourself eat the damn thing. Because the more you restrict and the more you moralize on food, the more you end up craving it and the more you'll binge when you get the opportunity to eat it because you built up this novelty/ guilty pleasure around it. Eventually, after giving in to it enough times, you'll start seeing the food more neutrally and you're going to get tired of it, meaning it's going to be easier to make healthy decisions because now everything is on the same playing field. It's pretty counter intuitive tbh. Additionally, take your environment into consideration. If things are out of sight, they are out of mind and the better you're at dealing with environmental concerns, the less you have to exert willpower and the more sustainable the whole thing is going to be. Sometimes it can be as simple as taking a different route to work or school or switching the grocery store that you get your food at. But of course, this is going to depend on an individual basis but yeah, do things that are sustainable to your environment and be empathetic to yourself in that regard. Finally, something that a lot of diets don't take into consideration when marketing to people is how the diet affects people mentally. It's so important to take your body image into consideration as well as your overall relationship to food and emotional eating. Those have a huge impact on your diet and can make or break whether or not a certain way of eating is going to be healthy for you. It's important because you don't want to overcorrect on something and causing more issues than results or you don't want to focus on the wrong issue and dig yourself into a hole. Basically, find foods that you like and that are good for you and eat those on a regular basis, let yourself have cravings without moralizing them, and take care of your mental health. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Working Out Everyday: Similar to the healthy eating, do exercises that you genuinely enjoy so you have the motivation to keep doing them. For me that is strength training and if I don't want to go to the gym, it's either dancing around in my room for an hour like a crack head or going on a walk while being lost in my thoughts. If you enjoy sports, do that. Make exercise a social thing that is enjoyable. I remember seeing a post a few days ago on how the reason why we end up disliking exercise as an adult is because we take the fun out of it and we put all of these standards as to how we're supposed to look onto it. Like if you think about it, you don't have to motivate a child to go out and be active. And I believe that there is something we can learn from that. Also, building in exercise into your normal routine helps. This is going to be different for everyone but because I live on campus, I have to walk everywhere so as a result I probably walk 2 miles a day or so. I honestly just count that as my exercise. I also worked a job not too long ago where I was always on my feet and had to lift heavy things so my work out was automatically taken care of. And again, even when neither of those things were at play, I still made time to dance like crack head in my room because it simply sparks joy. I also have some active friends who enjoy going hiking on some Sundays (this honestly started because of the pandemic) so I do that too. Basically, build it into your schedule so that you don't feel like you're going out of your way to do things. You want things to be in the flow of what you're doing. Again, work with yourself, not against yourself. Self control is overrated. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bettering your social skills I think before getting started on this goal, it's important to take into consideration what exactly you mean by bettering your social skills. I'm going to be talking from my own experience but I always had this certain image in my head of what having social skills and being socially competent looks like. And that image is someone who is incredibly outgoing, clicks with everyone, and is the life of the party. I always found myself falling short of that and then I decided that I was going to redefine what it means to have decent social skills. Because not everyone is going to be the life of the party and honestly thank god because that would be waaaay too overwhelming. Instead, I think we should have more of an emphasis on learning to be vulnerable and authentic, learning how the empathize with people personally and systemically, being socially informed and learning how to act accordingly in a way that is assertive and empathetic. It's learning how be confident without being egotistical, to learn how to advocate for ourselves and have boundaries, to learning how to navigate different contexts, different power dynamics, different types of relationships, and different situations. Not to mention it's about being self aware and socially aware to where you can read the room. You don't have to be over the top assertive, out going or for a lack of a better way of putting it "being alpha." Just because you are those things, doesn't meant that you're socially competent. We know people who are outgoing, who click with everyone, and who are the life of the party but are pretty insufferable because of their lack of self awareness. And because I had this limited image and I never measured up to it, for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me socially. No I still don't click with everyone, but I do know how to deal with different people in different contexts and I do know what to look out for to find my own tribe. No, I'm still not super outgoing, but I am still confident in myself and I know how to step back, evaluate a situation, and act accordingly. And no, I'm not the life of the party and honestly, it's probably because I'm not a party person anyways and I prefer to watch a movie with a couple of friends and just talk for the rest of the night. And when I finally let go of this image of what social competence looks like, it was honestly a weight that was lifted off my shoulders in terms of the ways I judge and critique myself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reading a Book Every Week for a Year I think this is one of those things you need to really look at what your actual goal is. Because if you want to be more informed and knowledgeable of the world, there are plenty of ways you can do that. You can read the news, you can listen to podcasts and audio books during your commute or doing chores, you can watch commentary channels that analyze different trends in society and pop culture, and you can go out and talk to people and have worthwhile conversations to name a few things. You can do a lot of things that are going to compel you to grow and compel you to have a more complex and informed view of reality. You don't have to limit yourself to reading a book every week as the only medium. Because when we over prioritize the goal of getting a book done every week, we lose out on our actual intentions and we overlook the process and whether or not that is sustainable for us. And in some cases we end up like Tai Lopez who goes around talking about KnOWledGE and bragging about the number of books he keeps in his garage with his Lamborghini when in reality, he just reads the spark notes and summaries without actually applying or integrating any of the knowledge.

Reflections: July 2020- March 2021 I was looking over my past journal posts during this time and I was reflecting on the things that are similar and different from back then to now. I do feel like I have grown and I have worked through a lot of things which has resulted in some of the following: Learning how to take better care of my health specifically when it comes to my diet and my attitude towards food Learning how to be gentle, nonjudgmental, and patient with my self Learning how to deal with shame A more complex world view when it comes to dealing with my own issues as well as learning how to deal with others More self acceptance specifically when it comes to my negative emotions, hobbies and interests, and how I navigate social situations (you don't have to click with everyone). Dismantling hang ups around competence and productivity Dealing with limiting beliefs around money and where I'm going to be in the future Letting go of the attachment to detachment Having a better relationship with self help and self development A greater capacity for vulnerability A redefinition of my priorities and learning how to stop comparing yourself to others Dealing with my spiritual ego and taking a break from spirituality in order to come back down to earth Developed my writing skills and gained more confidence in my writing Of course this isn't everything. I kind of skimmed my own journal and didn't go into too much detail to really analyze myself (thinking of doing that later though). And even though I can't say that I am a whole lot happier, I can say that I do feel more stable and that I mentally feel like my world view internally and externally is more complex and more matured. I feel like a lot of things I was discovering about myself and about life in general during this time feels kind of like common sense now because of how embodiment works. In other words, I currently feel like the expanding brain meme: I think this also goes along with the whole concept of "if you decide to be 1% better everyday, in one years time you would be 38x better than your current self." It's basically on how growth compounds. I can't say that I feel like who I am now is 38x better than who I was 6 months to a year ago, but I do feel the growth compounding. Gonna be honest, I'm not sure to what extent other people notice or to what extent I'm deluding myself. Though I have grown a lot of ways, I did still stagnate in pretty big ways. Like my previous self: I still crave stability and a quiet/ boring / almost mediocre life. I still have issues with procrastination. I still don't really know what I'm doing with my life and what my next steps will be after graduation. I still have a degree of social anxiety in the way I see myself as the weird kid. I still have issues with confidence because I feel insecure about my abilities and my intelligence and I have a sense of imposter syndrome. I still doubt myself a lot and I am still sometimes victim to doomer spirals because of how the world is. Idk, there is a part of me that feels like I achieved a lot of the smaller goals but I didn't achieve a lot of the bigger goals I made a point to accomplish. And I'm not sure what that says about me or my path to growth. In a way, I feel like the fact that I didn't set out to achieve what I originally wanted diminishes what I did accomplish. But then again, I do tend to accomplish a lot when I'm supposed to be doing something else. I really don't know how far I've come tbh.

I feel like I've really been spamming this journal lately. It's just that I have this list of all of the things I want to talk about and get out of my system and I feel like I haven't been producing what I set out to produce early on this journal because I keep getting side tracked by other things that come to my mind right at the moment. I made a list of 43 topics and I think I only talked about 22 of them and then some given whatever ends up coming up. I feel rather manic tbh. Even though I don't want to take a break from writing in this journal, I think I need to step back a little bit and slow tf down.

Gen Z Crackhead Humor So my roommate brought to my attention that there is an official term to Gen Z crackhead humor and that it's basically the new wave of dadaism A really good example are weirdcore memes, particularly the me and the boys at 2 am looking for BEANS: The whole point of dadaism is that it makes absolutely no sense, it's chaotic, and kind of dark. Weirdcore aside, I'd say that this form of humor is also pretty mainstream. I found a video a while back that did an analysis on it. And then we have these two comments that are near the top of this video that I feel sums things up pretty well. "This generation's humor is literally just a re-birth of dadaism. This humor was weird and dark and no one found it funny except for that generation. This humor was really popular during the Great Depression and World War 2. There is also fatalistic humor that is super popular now as well. I like to say that the type of humor shows what a generation has gone through. The darker the time the darker the humor. It doesn't surprise me that during this time of political, economical, social and environmental unrest that the generation would cope with insanely bizarre humor. Super fascinating, especially as someone who's a part of it." ""over the top humor, a little bit of depression, with a side of silliness" is actually the most accurate sentence i've ever heard about this generation and it's fcking floored me" And though this video and these comments were posted 2 years ago, I feel like the whole chaotic vibe of the world and of the humor just intensified since then. Honestly, I don't know wtf is happening or where tf it's going and sometimes I catch myself going into doomer spirals and the only thing to get me out of it is this fatalistic form of crack head humor. I also found these two video really interesting when it comes to analyzing dadaism in general as well as how it deals with leftist politics

More Music I Like After writing the previous post, I remembered a couple other songs that have a similar vibe. Sevdaliza I found her music years ago (2017) when she barely had anything out except for a few music videos. I discovered her from this video and I really liked her voice and her sense of style so I decided to check her work out. I love how one of the first comments on this video is "she showed up with skechers and assless chaps and killed the game" because she really did that lmao. I would say that Blucid is one of my favorite music videos as it relates to the contents of this journal. No joke, I'm so aesthetically attracted to this woman and the dynamic in this video. She is so graceful and powerful at the same time. And I love the height difference because it makes the whole dynamic more intense. And then there is her voice, her style, just everything asdfjkhi;jerccl. She has a very strong pressence and her energy demands to take up space and as a result the whole thing feels so expansive. I'm just really hear for it. I would say Sirens of the Caspian my favorite song by her. Marilyn Monroe is also up there. Though it's been a minute since I have checked out her content. I think I need to explore her newer stuff. As far as aesthetics go, I really like the aesthetics for her video Marilyn Monroe and That Other Girl. Human freaks me out but in a good way And finally, another thing that I thought about after writing the previous post was this song from the movie Nerve: I can imagine the scene that was taking place while the music is playing and that heightens my anxiety even more. But honestly, I loved the music, how fitting it was, and just in general I thought it was cool. Here is the movie scene. I honestly don't know why my anxiety ridden friend group thought it was a good idea to watch this movie when it came out in 2016 because the entire time we were really uncomfortable but at the same time entertained to where we couldn't look away. I swear, we were all bordering on panic attacks during this movie lol. Spoiler alert, at least no one dies a horrible death in the movie though there are a lot of close calls. Even though I know how this ends, this scene still freaks me out when I watch it lmao.

Here are a couple of videos from each source to get an idea of what I'm talking about. I'm mainly picking out videos I got a lot of value from but I'm biased by my life experiences and how my journey was on this path. The Heart Alchemist: Leeor Alexandra: Isabel Palacios: Rowena Tsai: Kayln Nicholson All Things Koze:

These are some spirituality related content that I like to consume. I wouldn't say that it's super deep and heavy regarding things like transcendence and nonduality. A lot of these sources are centered around self love, emotional awareness, healing, and law of attraction. In other words, it's a very much a stage green form of spirituality. But it's still incredibly important when it comes to sorting out your regular human shit. I would even characterize that as foundational even if you feel like you developed passed some of their content. They just have good vibes and they make me feel more in alignment lol. https://www.youtube.com/c/ChristinaLopes : This source mainly focuses on healing, spiritual awakenings, re-evaluating your life, and understanding your emotions through chakras. I found this channel really helpful in figureing out wtf was going on when I didn't know where I was at in my spiritual path. https://www.youtube.com/c/LeeorAlexandra https://www.youtube.com/c/IsabelPalacios : These two sources focuses on self love, law of attraction, manifestation, and being in touch with your feminine energy. I also just love their personalities and the positivity and love they exude. They have good vibes lol. https://www.youtube.com/c/RowenaTsai : This channel does mainly life style content centered around self care and productivity. I would say that out of all the sources I listed so far, this is the most stage orange but it's a very healthy and integrated form of stage orange. While this isn't really a spirituality source, I did get a lot of growth from this channel. https://www.youtube.com/c/AllThingsKoze/videos : Her main channel is more of a life style channel but as for self development and spirituality goes, I like this channel more. I'd characterize her content as self reflections over basic life experiences/ events with a touch of spirituality. Definitely felt more self aware and seen on my journey after finding her channel.

Music I'm Really Enjoying // Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability// My Relationship to Dominance, Submission, Fear and Relaxation in a Sexual Setting I thought this post was going to be only about music but then my thoughts and reflections went in a bunch of other different directions. Enjoy lol. I mentioned in a previous post on how I enjoy music from languages that I don't speak and how it compels me to be more in touch with my body. The same goes for instrumentals. As far as music goes in general I find myself gravitating towards instrumentals so there's that. I came across Podval Capella's music through YouTube recommendations. And his music instantly resonated with me. I normally don't do this for any artist (even ones I really like), but I found myself basically listening to one entire album in one sitting. Most of the songs feel ominous and a little unnerving. And for some reason, it also feels very primal in a way. I can't quite pin it down. I found this interesting because as far as music that makes me feel into my body and that I find sexy, I tend to gravitate towards things that are calming so I can relax into my body. But this is the opposite. It's ever so slightly anxiety inducing to where it feels exciting. But because of how deep and slow the music is, it isn't this manic form of excitement. It's more of a very controlled form of excitement that paces itself so you can really take the time to enjoy it. Also, as far as embracing the different sides of my sexuality, spring, summer, fall, and winter, I feel like Podval Capella's music really appeals to the fall side of me. And now that I think about it, of all the seasons, I find it most difficult to find music that resonates with fall. If yall have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm basically referring to this set of posts that I made. I'm only linking the first one because I don't want to have like 5 links but basically you look at the first post and the next corresponding posts as well. Whales and Cocaine are my favorite songs and slowed version of Harlem is right up there. I actually found Harlem first and that opened me up to the rest of his music. I also started thinking about the role of fear in arousal, more specifically my arousal. I remember learning in my psychology class in college on how the labels of our emotions are attributed based on both context and physiological experience. We got to the topic of how fear and sexual arousal physiologically feel similar from the heavy breathing to the elevated heart rate. And I think that basically because of the physiological similarities but the contextual differences, some people conflate fear and arousal together more than others. I have talked before in this journal on how my anxiety and learning to relax into the experience are common themes. There is that vulnerability in fear and in sharing fear is to share vulnerability which then opens the door to connection and intimacy. I think there is a lot of trust that goes into allowing/consenting someone to strike fear into you sexually because you know deep down that they respect you and they won't actually hurt you. And of course there is the physiological aspect on how fear impacts your body and how it relates to arousal. Referring to the post I mentioned just above, I think that a little bit of nervousness and unpredictability can tap into this sense of alertness that can make you more sensitive to whatever you're experiencing. And in the appropriate setting, it can feel overwhelming in a really pleasurable way. I also started thinking about my relationship to the concept of dominance, which then gets into the conversation of the layers to my sexuality and vulnerability. I'd say that there are 3 layers. The first is the layer that most people see when they first meet me which is someone who is very assertive, analytical, and put together. This layer can come off as intimidating and a little closed off. The second layer is this really soft and vulnerable side to me. It's emotional, it wants connection, and almost has this doe eyed quality to it. The third layer integrates both the first and second layer in that it finds strength in vulnerability but it isn't super soft like the second layer nor is it closed off like the first layer. It's also the reason why the first layer isn't necessarily a mask because the first layer is still some type of reflection to the third layer. The first layer I would say is mainly not sexual at all. It's just the way I'm with acquaintances and people I'm getting to know. The second is the way I am around people I'm really comfortable with opening up to. And I think in a romantic or sexual setting, the second layer does translate into a more submissive, traditionally feminine archetype. Finally, the third layer is what I'm like with people who I'm comfortable with opening up to and who have known be for some time. They know the soft parts of me but they know that this softness is not weakness at it's core and that if anything there is a great amount of strength and resilience in surrender. Sexually and romantically, I think that it takes a lot of trust for me to submit to someone but I think it takes me even more trust and time and feelings of comfort to feel like I can be vulnerable enough to be the pursuer and to be the more dominant one. And with this music, I'm getting this darker energy coming through. I find myself thinking of either submitting to the unknown or becoming the dominant agent of the unknown. Either I'm the anxious and excited receiver of dominance or I'm the dominant one that expresses excitement in a very controlled methodical way.

Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where Am I Now in That Journey Over all judging by my writing thus far, I think a lot of my limiting beliefs come from the following factors: 1. There is the racism both on a personal and collective scale that tries to paint this illusion of one objective standard of beauty related to whiteness and the proximity of whiteness. There is this notion of ugliness and fetishization that are both at play as well as the concepts of both hypermasculinization as well as hyperfeminization. It's often confusing to navigate these contradictions and as a result, it takes a while to unpack them. 2. Being sexualized because of my race and body structure to where I feel the need to focus on self protection over self expression. It paints this notion that my sexuality isn't my own or something for me to define for myself rather, it is something that is slapped onto me without my consent by other people who want to jump to conclusions because of their limiting beliefs. Objectification and lack of respect comes into the picture as well. Sexualizing someone is at odds with someone being sexual on their own terms. 3. General body image issues usually related to fatphobia. 4. Environmental and circumstantial reasons such as: going to a small school with few options going to a college with a lot of white supremacy being locked up in the house and not interacting with guys your age because of the pandemic living with strict parents dealing with mental and physical health issues while trying to fix your GPA and figure your life out These are all reasons why I didn't get many opportunities to put myself out there and have a lot of positive experiences to outweigh the negative. And sometimes, I tend to internalize issues that are out of my control and blame myself by telling myself that I must be single because I'm undesirable. It actually more so has to do with my life style and not interacting with many guys. 6. Feeling you aren't worthy of a relationship because you still have a lot of growing up to do and because you're terrified of making shitty decisions that will make you more traumatized than you already are. Also, something that is somewhat related is the notion of deprioritizing intimacy and not seeing this as a place to develop personally. 7. Sometimes feeling like an awkward virgin who doesn't know what they are doing or talking about. It's dealing with things like infantilization, assumptions, and societal expectations of what it means to be a virgin for so long. It's the collective shame around lack of experience. I think throughout these posts that I'm doing a good job on recognizing what's going on and being conscious about my issues on both a personal and systemic level. It's also incredibly helpful to dissect these things as a way of being mindful of what's happening and why you feel the way you do. I think that I'm at a point where I'm good at consciously dealing with these things but given my last post, I think there is some work that needs to be done on a subconscious level. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet but that's just where I'm at. Emotions that I find myself dealing with: FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Feeling Envious (which also comes with a few seconds of anger along with some sadness/self loathing) Feeling Infantilized --> Feeling like you're emotionally stunted/ not growing up ---> Feeling like you're not living your best life--> more FOMO Feeling Repressed Self Deprecation I think since starting this journal, I was able to vent out a lot of my emotions and find a degree of peace with them. I still feel these things and I find myself needing to have boundaries with myself so I don't start spiraling. I'd say out of these, I stopped feeling infantilized and majority of the FOMO through my journaling efforts which I think is a huge win. While I don't feel less envy compared to when I started journaling, I can say that I have a better understanding of envy and as a result came up with strategies as to how to deal with it in a healthy way. I feel less repressed from writing all of this out but I still feel like there is plenty more repression that I need to let go of. Some of it can be done by continuing to write in this journal but also, some of it just has to be let out through direct experience. Finally, when it comes to self deprecation, like I said before I'm better at being conscious of it. And as a result, a lot of it felt as if it melted away after I let it out of my system, acknowledged it, and critically looked at the validity of it. However, it still affects me subconsciously which I'm working on.

Mutual Attraction: My Self Sabotaging Lizard Brain and Dealing with Asexual Flirts God was everything so much easier when I was asexual. I still had issues with mutual attraction even when I identified as asexual. But it mainly came down to me not having many options that I liked because i didn't feel like I really clicked with people or had things in common with the people I dated. This is my first time getting on this college campus as a straight person. And it's the first time I have had to deal with my lizard brain being like this. I walk to class and I typically pass like 2-3 guys I think are cute every day. When I was asexual, I just acknowledged that they were attractive and didn't feel anything. I definitely could see it but I didn't care. Now, there is that feeling that comes with it and it isn't mainly cognitive. It feels like a lizard brain knee jerk reaction towards attraction and that knee jerk reaction is also followed by the limiting belief that's like "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly." And when I first noticed this knee jerk reaction, my conscious mind was sitting there like "damn bitch tf is wrong with you?!?!?" I had to do a double take on myself because wtf was that. I feel like when it comes to being asexual, it was actually easier to flirt with people and not give a shit on whether or not other people were attracted to you because first of all, you don't really know what physical attraction feels like and even though you know it's a thing, part of it still feels fake to you. And as a result you don't take it too seriously when someone isn't attracted to you because you're probably not attracted to them. And secondly, you have less attachment to outcome (unless you were romantically attracted to someone, then it's a different story, but then again that doesn't happen often so you don't have to really worry about it). Not only did I go through a flirt with everything that moves stage, but the two other asexual people I know are also giant flirts. Because they're asexual (and one of them is also aromantic), they don't really have stakes in the situation and as a result it's easy for them to flirt without ulterior motives, completely detached from outcome, and put the focus on the other person because this whole thing isn't really about them. It's very much rooted in empathy and just wanting to make the other person happy without expecting anything back. And honestly, when you take that route, things just work out better imo. I definitely felt the same way when I was going through that stage. But now being straight, I feel like I have more skin in the game and my lizard brain is more prominent. Like, this shit uncovered a insecurity that I didn't even know I had. Again, when I heard my lizard brain come up with that knee jerk reaction of judgement and self deprecation, I was honestly shocked and it felt like it came out of nowhere. Obviously things like this don't come up unprompted and I know plenty of places where this mentality comes from, both blatantly and subtly. Basically through these posts, I'm trying to knock some sense into myself and deconstruct these limiting beliefs as well as keeping myself accountable in the process.

Mutual Attraction: Sounds Fake But Okay? Honestly, it's really difficult for me to have any form of mutual attraction with someone. I think a lot of it has to do with my dating experiences so far. It's either I liked someone but they never had an ounce of feelings for me back or someone liked me and I made myself go on dates with them thinking I would end up liking them, but then I realize that the whole thing feels really forced. I don't think the problem for me is that I think that I'm unlikeable or that no one is going to see me in a desirable light and that I'm going to end up like the forever alone meme. My problem is that I can't imagine guys who I find attractive also finding me attractive. Part of me wishes that I liked people and had fleeting crushes more often. Because think of it this way, if you like 20 people in the span of 5 years, odds are at least one of them is probably going to like you back at least a little. That's like a 5% success rate. Doesn't seem too high or unreasonable of a success rate. However, lets say in a span of 5 years, you only like 2 people. Now if you want someone to like you back, you're basically asking for a 50% success rate which is pretty high. There is a good chance that neither of them are going to like you. The odds aren't exactly in your favor. And unfortunately, the later situation is my situation. I have tried to put aside first impressions and go on dates with guys who seem like decent people but I don't yet feel attracted to them. I figured that I shouldn't go with my gut reactions as far as romantic and physical attraction goes (that doesn't mean I ignore my gut reactions when red flags are concerned) and instead I should give people a chance before jumping to conclusions. And as result I began dating guys that clearly liked me but I had no feelings for. I tried to get myself to like them but again, the whole thing felt forced. Not only did it feel forced, but it felt really icky from my view for both sides. From his end, it's kind of messed up that a girl who isn't fully into him is just going on dates with him to pass the time. He deserves to be with someone who is genuinely into him in the same way he is into her. From my end, it's messed up that I'm settling for a guy who if I'm going to be honest, don't really like, and leading him on. It's a lose lose situation and when I realized that, I decided to be upfront with the guy and I told him that I don't think it's going to work out. And I don't think going out of your way to "get someone to like you" is the answer either. Because if you feel the need to change yourself or hide parts of yourself to get someone to like you, it's because they never liked you in the first place. And why would you bend over backwards and play all of these games for someone who doesn't value you in that way? It doesn't seem like a dignified or confident move and instead reeks of people pleasing. This is going to sound so fucking cliche and I'm rolling my eyes as I'm writing this but... I honestly think that the best strategy is to be more self aware and work through your limiting beliefs, find a crowd of people you actually resonate when you're being your authentic self (whether that means going to places with people of similar interests or whatever), keep working on other areas of your life instead of ruminating on your insecurities, and not lose faith or internalize your past experiences. There really isn't a short cut to authentic connection to people. No amount of cold approaches, altering your mannerisms or way of presenting, no amount of quick fixes is going to help. I think I always got most of that. I spend a lot of time working on myself and focussing on other areas of my life. But sometimes it does get difficult to not internalize things especially when you're in an environment that doesn't socially resonate with you. I had to redefine what it means to be socially competent and look at the factors at play when it comes to clicking with someone. I really just feel like if I'm going to have luck making friends or dating in a way that doesn't feel forced and in a way where I feel like I can really be myself, I need to get myself to a place where I find more like minded people (and more specifically places where there are more like minded guys). Although I did say that it's messed up for me to settle for a guy who I'm not even into and even though consciously I believe that I do deserve to date guys who I'm into, subconsciously, I think my brain says otherwise. Like every time I see a guy who I actually find attractive nowadays, there is a part of my lizard brain that kicks in and is like "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly." That lizard brain genuinely thinks that I'm inherently undesirable and that I don't deserve to have nice experiences. And a couple times I have tried to ask this lizard brain as to why it thinks that way and what exactly about me is undesirable and the lizard brain is just sitting there like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh, I think a lot of this knee jerk reaction has to do with past experiences mixed with societal conditioning which I have journaled about a lot in previous posts. I'm probably going to do another post on the lizard brain because this is getting long.

I dont see why you wouldnt be able to have casual sex and dress provocatively and still be warm, expressive, empathetic, kind etc. The way you juxtaposed this, it's like the former group isnt defined by anything except the amount of sex they have. Like they have no personality whatsoever. It's rather dehumanizing.

Exhibitionism If I were to sum up my sexuality in one statement I would say this. I get turned on by knowing that I turn other people on. This was true when I identified as asexual and it's still true now. I would say since now and then, a lot of the fantasizes I had stayed the same but they are simply framed in a different way now if that makes sense. One of the big things that I think relates to the above statement is exhibitionism. There is something about being exposed and seen in a desirable way that feels very vulnerable yet very freeing. I think my sense of exhibitionism isn't solely sexual and that there is something about it that spills over to other areas of my life in the way I socialize and in the way that I even write. I'm comfortable with revealing myself physically and emotionally if I know I have the space to do so. The last part is incredibly important. I need to feel safe and I need to feel like other people are comfortable. For instance when it comes to opening up, I'm pretty comfortable with writing things out in my journal because I have the safety of anonymity and it's only people who are comfortable with my content are going to be the ones tuning in regularly. When it comes to opening up in my real life, while I might come off as someone who is private and closed off, if I get the impression or permission from someone who tells me "hey you can talk I don't mind," I have no issues acting on that. I just want to make sure the other person is ready and that they are comfortable with me talking about more personal, emotionally intense topics so they don't feel overwhelmed or feel like they are being emotionally dumped on. And finally, when it comes to therapy, I have no issues being open about why I'm here from the start even if the therapist is a stranger because in my mind, this person is here to do their job and it's their job to emotionally hold that space for me. Like I'm here to get shit done. I'm not here to meander around a topic I'm not even comfortable with opening up about. On top of that, I think my exhibitionist tendencies sometimes bleeds into my core values as well for authenticity. A part of authenticity is also transparency imo emotionally within your personal boundaries. I believe that there is a great deal of authenticity that comes with being vulnerable emotionally and in really owning your personal truth. With the tangent of my emotional life aside, I think a lot of the things I fantasize about is wrapped around this sense of exhibitionism Some themes and emotions that I noticed coming up in each of these fantasizes involving exhibitionism include: Feeling vulnerable and exposed but also accepted in that state Putting on a show/ performance A feeling of abundance, specifically sexual abundance Feeling desired in a very vulnerable way Knowing you turn other people on A sense of submission Knowing that you're building anticipation and that you're teasing the people around you which leads to a more playful element as well Feeling of being seen and acknowledged. The peace of mind of the whole thing being safe and consensual I'm not sure whether or not I want to reveal what exactly those fantasies are yet since this does feel rather touchy to where I have been putting off writing this post and posting it on here. Still feeling out my comfort level with this whole thing. Even though I am generally comfortable with talking about this whole topic (hence the journal having 117 posts with many of them being rather long and detailed), I do sometimes feel a sense of discomfort when I'm straight up horny posting on here. I'm still trying to figure out my comfort level and boundaries on what I want to keep private and what I want to discuss openly when talking about my desires.

@Emerald @Roy As far as nonbinary and gender fluid people go, I know a few and for the most part the general vibe I get from them is that while they think that gender isn't fixed, they still do believe that things like masculinity and femininity as well as how you choose to express them are still very much real. It's just that masculinity and femininity don't line up with male and female in a super clean cut way. That can translate into different ways of expressing your gender or feeling like your gender falls in a spectrum or isn't in a spectrum. I don't think they would disagree with Emerald. If anything, I can see them agreeing. **Note: I can't speak for nonbinary or gender fluid people and I only know a handful of them. I'm coming at this based on the conversations I've had with these individuals as well as me looking into this whole thing and taking my interpretations on it. This is not rooted in direct experience and there is only so much that I can say.

Clicking with People and Trying to Make Friends Part 2: Scoring High on Openness Ok, so I've already discussed the whole leftist side of things and for the part 2 I'm going to talk about scoring high on openness. I guess before I get into that, it's important to talk about what exactly I mean by openness. I found a couple of good explanations of what I'm talking about: I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad to score low on openness. People who score low on openness tend to be conservative, more methodical, and logical which can be really important in certain settings. But personally, I find it kind of difficult to connect to people who score low on openness. And this was an observation I made before I found out about this test. The test and the description of openness helped me better articulate my observations. There have been instances where I have talked to people about things related to art, society, and big picture ideas. I was thinking that I'm taking a topic that came up during small talk and going deeper with it, therefore allowing the other person to engage with the topic more so we can get to know one another. Normally this type of thing works and it helps me out a lot in social situations. I tried to pull this in the business school once with a few people I was in class with and I could tell that they couldn't care less about what I was talking about and low key wished I shut up. But when you take the trait of openness into consideration, things just made more sense. In that same class, we had to take the OCEAN test and the class average for openness was pretty low (I think it was in the 20s out of a 100) and I scored pretty high (I think I scored an 85). And at that moment, I was like *well no fucking shit I didn't resonate with these people!* I was approaching a conversation based on what I, someone who scores high on openness, thought would make a conversation interesting. Now, I can't have everyone I meet take the OCEAN test. But generally, I feel like you can get a feel for the level of openness someone has based on talking to them similar to how you can tell whether a person is an introvert or extrovert. For example, when it came to my roommate, just from talking to them for a little bit I got a sense that they were pretty high on openness. They came across as very eccentric. This person loves to collect little knick knacks, sows and crochets in their free time, loves to cook, has traveled to many countries, is majoring in philosophy and human rights, and lived in Japan for a few years. And best of all, they are so unapologetic about that even though they know that they'd probably be considered rather weird, eccentric, and intense in the eyes of others. Them being so forward with their "weirdness" (I'm putting this in quotes because none of the things I listed about them falls under the category of weird though some people will definitely see them as unconventional and as a result lump them into the weird category) made me comfortable about my own weirdness. And being comfortable with my weirdness and eccentricities is a huge part of me feeling like I can be emotionally vulnerable with someone. Because I know they can take it and I know they won't pass judgment. Although me and this person don't have much in common as far as hobbies and interests go, because we are both really high on openness, we both enjoy watching the other nerd out about something and talk about something for +15 minutes straight. I once spent a solid hour listening to this person talk about how much they love to cook, all the different dishes they enjoy making, and all of the different foods they enjoy. Even though I didn't have much to add to this conversation, because I'm really open, I just soaked all of that in like a sponge and simply enjoyed being. They also watched me nerd out about different topics regarding the social sciences and my observations on how our school worked as a social system. Overall, we just a general mutual understanding of each other and we look at things in a similar way as far as open-mindedness and curiosity goes.

Clicking with People and Trying to Make Friends Part 1: Leftists So, I'm trying to build my life and socially get out of this liminal space. And I have made an observation as to whether or not I click with people and how that normally pans out. I'm so grateful that I clicked with my roommate and that we're good friends. It happened pretty quickly but really naturally in the sense that it didn't take long for either of us to feel comfortable around each other and we basically didn't have the awkward phase. And I was trying to pin down why exactly it was so effortless for me to become friends with them and why it's not the same with other people. I think it comes down to two things. The first is exactly how far left are they and the second is how comfortable with things outside of their comfort zone (I guess if you took the Big 5 (OCEAN) personality test into consideration it would be how high they score on the openness factor). I felt much more comfortable around this person when I found out that they were a leftist. I more or less got the sense that I could let loose politically in the sense that I could say what's on my mind, explain my takes on things, and not have to tip toe around conservative ideology or go into a whole explanation of where I was coming from. It made me realize just how much being a leftist is a part of my identity and how much of it affects my hobbies and interests. I'm very much related to anything that is related to the social sciences and a lot of those topics often have a leftist undertone to it. There was something about knowing that this person was a leftist that also made me feel more comfortable with being vulnerable around them. I think there is a correlation there for me when it comes to how far left they are on the political spectrum and how comfortable I am opening up to them emotionally. When I'm around conservatives, I guess there is a thing in my brain that kicks in and is like "well if they hold conservative views towards race, gender, sexuality, and economic issues, they are less likely to have a healthy outlook or to be emotionally validating when someone tries to open up about their personal lives." I think this comes from this subconscious knowing on how there is technically no such thing as a personal problem rather all of our problems are symptoms of systemic issues that affect us personally since our problems don't exist in a vacuum. And when your issues on a larger picture have to do with things like racism, sexism, homophobia, late stage capitalism, ableism etc. when you know that in the big picture that the person you're talking to doesn't give af, you're reluctant to open up to the smaller more personal side of things. Like for example, I'm not comfortable in engaging or even mentioning how I had to take a break from school because of the way the pandemic affected me and my family if I know the person I'm talking to doesn't even believe in masks and vaccines. I also have a few liberal friends who do agree with certain leftist talking points like health care for all, funding college education, dealing with wealth inequality, having higher wages, etc. but they aren't to the point where they see capitalism as the problem or see how it affects daily life (as in they are going through their hustle culture/ girl boss phase even though they aren't pushing that onto others). And while I am friends with them, I do enjoy being around them, and they are very supportive about my mental health regarding my family (especially since they have similar experiences with their parents), I don't feel comfortable with talking about the anxiety I feel searching for a job in this apocalyptic times. I have tried to talk about it and I'm sure they get where I'm coming from, but the moment I touched about my big picture thoughts on how this relates to capitalism, it just didn't click with them. I kind of got the vibe from them that was like *I get what you're saying but you're looking too much into this and you need to get back down to earth and be more practical when it comes to dealing with your personal issues.* I decided that I wasn't going to plop down my leftism just yet lol. Which I'm ok with. Sometimes you need that healthy stage orange to sit you down and tell you to come back down to earth when you've been spiraling about things like climate change and capitalism which are not exactly in your control. But at the same time, I felt this lack of connection and sense of emotional distance because of different world views. Then I have a few centrist acquaintances who I don't feel comfortable really talking about politics or a lot of my more unconventional interests around them. Basically it's the normal SpongeBob meme. I can generally get along with them but I don't feel comfortable fully being myself. I feel like I have to straight jacket myself and present this really vanilla version of my views and my life in general. In conclusion as far as emotional openness and vulnerability for the sake of friendship is concerned, conservatives ignite my fight or flight response and centrists make me want to straight jacket myself. I'm comfortable with opening up to liberals about certain things but not totally so I tend to hold back my "craziest" thoughts and experiences. And when it comes to leftists, well I feel like I can be very authentic around them.

Liminal Stages So I got side tracked from my work and I started looking into this genre of memes that are often characterized as "weirdcore." One of the things I found there was the concept of liminal spaces. What are liminial spaces? Well they are spaces that we typically pass through to get to one place to another. As a result, because we aren't supposed to stay there too long, when we do stay and look around, since we aren't used to it, the whole experience just feels really creepy. In a way, it feels like you're in an alternate reality. And in a way you are because you are stopping at a transitional period between two different places/ realities. I found an article that explains the concept of liminal spaces really well. https://theludlowgroup.com/2018/05/31/why-do-liminal-spaces-feel-like-an-altered-reality/ And here is a tumblr post that also explains this pretty well. I really like how it talks about how our brains are hardwired for context. \ Now, what about liminal stages. I think for me personally, I have been stuck in a liminal stage in my life. I feel like I have been in this awkward in between stage where I'm just waiting to step into who I'm supposed to be. This started in 2016. There is both a personal and collective element to this. Personally, I lost a loved one during this time and because I saw this person on a daily basis, their absence was very existential crisis inducing. Their room still feels like a liminal space of sorts. The existential crisis really caused me to revaluate a lot of things in my life. But here's the thing, we aren't supposed to stay in this grief/ existential crisis for a long time. It's supposed to be a phase. And in a way it was. I can say that I have processed and moved on from this event. But soon after I was done grieving and I was ready to go back to my friend group, I realized that I changed as a person and that I no longer resonated with them anymore. That was difficult to go through and it was like I traded one type of grief for another. On top of that, I went through a phase of not having many friends or having a social circle. That isn't too weird and a lot of people pass through that stage. Except, this isn't a stage I passed through. I would say that I'm still in it. I thought this phase was going to end when I graduated high school and entered college. After all, I was going to be exposed to new people. But then I had a bunch of physical and mental health concerns kick in and I wasn't able to really put myself out there socially. Then, the moment I started feeling better, the pandemic hit and as a result I'm still dealing with social isolation. I lost my social circle around late 2017. It's late 2021 now. I've been in this liminal space of not having any friends for 4 years. The existential crisis from that death didn't pass either. It just morphed into a different kind of existential crisis. Once I finished grieving the death of a family member, I started grieving losing a lot of relationships. Once I finished that, I started having an existential crisis regarding wtf I'm doing with my life in college and how tf am I going to heal from my family issues. Once I finished dealing with a lot of my family issues, that was the moment I got dragged back in because of the pandemic. And now I'm dealing with and existential crisis regarding my academic issues, my family issues, and what life is going to look like for me in a couple years. Now for the collective side of things. I know that when Trump got elected in 2016, people were talking about on how this whole thing feels like they stepped into an alternate timeline. We're just in an awkward place in history and this is simply a phase we will just pass through. BUT NO, SHIT GOT MUCH WEIRDER AS TIME WENT ON. So as a result, this isn't just some weird transition phase, it's a whole ass stage of it's own. Then we have the pandemic. Because you aren't going out and doing things, internally it feels like not much time has passed but externally time has gone by. The fact that it will be 2022 in a few months and 2020 would have been 2 years ago doesn't make much sense to me. There is the whole thing on how life is never going to be the same after the pandemic. With something like 9/11, life wasn't the same after that event and it did mark a transitional phase. But with the pandemic and how long it's dragging out, the fact that this thing isn't over yet feels like a liminal space. Also when the lockdowns were happening, a lot of spaces that used to be bustling with people were empty, thus doubling down on the whole liminal aspect of this time period. And the whole feeling of there not being an exit and time feeling stagnant (that is talked about in this video) I feel is also applicable to my condition. This transition phase in my life, this pandemic, both feel never ending and kind of ominous. I'm going to explore this video more and a couple other ones and how it relates to this stage of my life.

No, I think it's fine to have a genital preference. It's pretty biological imo. I'm not obligated to be attracted to people. That isn't a violation of human rights. Just as long as you don't treat transpeople as subhuman and get grossed out at the idea of being with someone who is trans, or judge people who are open to dating trans people, I think you're good.

My Fears Around Pregnancy Was meaning to write this since I first started this journal but I think now is the perfect time to write this. Why? Because Texas just put a 6 week ban on abortion where you can't get an abortion 6 weeks after conception. It honestly doesn't make sense because it takes like 4 weeks or hell sometimes longer to know if you missed a period or if you might be pregnant so it's safe to say that this is a back door ban. These men who are making these laws don't know how a woman's body works nor do they care even if they did know. Ugggghhhh... I can't say that I'm shocked or angry (I mean the law was passed this May and it has only come to affect now). It's Texas. This is just where we're at as far as politics and consciousness goes. But I will say that as far as my life goes, it takes my anxieties around sex and heightens them. One of my main fears regarding sex is the possibility of becoming pregnant. Even if I didn't identify as asexual in the past, because of my parents, I didn't have access to birth control so that influenced my decisions. Even now with birth control, I'm still hesitant to do anything and I prefer to be on the side of caution because of all the things that pregnancy comes with. Also, there is still COVID going around soo there is that. First of all, just the idea of something growing inside of me and then having all types of side effects for 9 months straight only to be bust open from the inside out seems like some sci fi shit to me. The whole process just seems traumatic. That's not even getting into how your life gets affected logistically during and after this whole thing. I don't think I could deal with the mental and physical anxiety that comes with all of this. It's just a lot. It's also really frustrating for a bunch of men to treat this as some type of minor inconvenience because they have a lack of empathy on this topic due to it not affecting them directly. My mom and I occasionally get to the topic of why I'm really hesitant to have kids and she keeps trying to bring up the amazing aspects of being a mother and how every woman should go through pregnancy etc. and when all of that fails, she resorts to trying to reassure me by telling me how the women in my family typically have really easy pregnancies. WELLL.... I'm not buying that shit. I've seen and heard waaaaayy too many pregnancy horror stories from other women and from sources online to have a few statements change my mind. Also, you could literally die in the process and in the U.S. we have some of the worst infant mortality rates and it's even worse for women of color because no one takes our pain seriously (like it's a whole thing systemically in the medical field where some doctors believe that people of color don't feel as much pain). And as horny as I am, the thought of getting pregnant or having a pregnancy scare freaks me tf out to where all of the abstinence preaching shit that I dealt with growing up actually starts working on me. As much as I don't like abstinence preaching because of the way it shoves religion down your throat, adds a bunch of moralizations to sex, and doesn't do much on educating about sex and how to do it safely, I do agree with the whole notion that abstinence is a 100% guarantee of not getting pregnant and how other methods of birth control can fail. And as someone who scared to death of getting pregnant, that 100% guarantee does feel like a nice cozy safety blanket to my anxiety ridden self. This isn't to say that I'm not even willing to engage in safe sex. I'm not that paranoid. But I know that the chance of something going wrong is there and having a safety net whether it be the Plan B pill or abortion, even if I never use it, does give me a sense of peace of mind. But these politicians are trying to ban both because religion so there's that. In conclusion.... I hate it here. And the last thing I want in my life is to have a chapter that resembles this movie:

Also, regarding the last post, if anyone gets any kink shaming undertones in my posts, please bring it to my attention. This is something that I'm trying to be mindful of in order to work towards my path to sex positivity. And I know I definitely have my blind spots because I'm still trying to figure this out.

Kink Shaming The basic overall definition of kink shaming is that it's when people shame a person for what they like in bed or the label a person as evil/bad because of their preferences. It usually goes along with a sense of embarrassment of demonization. I also think that the topic of kink shaming is also important to take into consideration when talking about sex and just discussing why we like what we like. I think that the classic form of kink shaming through analysis involves people psychoanalyzing others and coming to the conclusion that what the other person likes in bed has to do with a mental illness or some type of trauma. There is a shame that then gets associated with the kink in question and it almost undermines the kink because it writes the person off as crazy. That said, I still think it can be beneficial to reflect on what and why you like certain things. And from my experience, there are somethings that I like sexually that has some link to a form of trauma. And that's fine but that's something that I need to come to a conclusion myself rather than have someone come to that conclusion for me because there is only so much other people know about me and only so much they can draw on. Consequently, a lot of their discernments can come across in a judgmental way in the sense that they are jumping into conclusions and generalizations without really getting to know the situation and get a feel for it through direct experience. Basically what I'm trying to say is that It's fine to analyze yourself but analyzing others is when lines can get crossed. Which then brings me to what I began thinking of when I finished the last few posts I made on how attraction, standards of attraction, and just what people are drawn to sexually doesn't exist in a vacuum. I think there is a difference between personally judging someone for their preferences versus judging different social constructs and how it affects the collective. I believe that the later comes more so from a place of discernment because you are looking at attraction from a systemic view where you are analyzing things like political and socioeconomic factors. And also, what you find attractive as far as looks goes isn't really a kink so that and how people are treated because of their looks is fair game for critique imo (for example, liking red heads isn't a kink/fetish though some people treat it as such). It also goes without saying that fetishizing someone's appearance vs just simply thinking they're attractive are two very different things.

FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers I think I read somewhere that the average age of losing your virginity is 17 years old in the U.S. Well... that puts me above average lol. Tbh, it doesn't really feel that way irl because a lot of my friend group is either made of awkward gay people who were questioning at that age, people more focused on other areas of their lives to where sex and dating took a back seat, or people who are homebodies. I don't really feel bad about my lack of experience but every now and then I do encounter people who are dicks about it and I do sometimes go into a self loathing spiral when I'm on the internet too much. Speaking of self loathing and the internet, another reason why I try to avoid the dating section of this forum is because it makes me feel bad about my lack of experience. Sure it isn't like people attack you or make fun of you for that but there is a lot of insecure energy with the guys who make a big deal of it for themselves and start spewing incel attitudes. Even though it is their own self loathing and they're simply expressing THEIR problems, when you're around that energy enough times, it sometimes rubs off on you. And that's what I noticed started happening to me. It's similar to how hanging out with a group of people who constantly pick their bodies apart and who are constantly dieting might effect your own self image even if you didn't have body image issues prior to meeting them. Like I said on the previous post, I have journaled about a topic similar to this in the past in my main journal. Here is that post: Along with the shame, there is also the envy (which also comes with a very brief amount of anger and some sadness/self loathing) that I expressed in previous posts. There is an element of repression that comes from not being able to act on my feelings because I don't like anyone and because I don't have that many opportunities to meet people during the pandemic (environmental / circumstance issues). There is also the infantilization aspect to this. I wrote another post on that earlier in this journal: There is a part of me that gets affected by the infantilization aspect of this especially. It makes me feel like my lack of experience is some symptom of not having enough life experience and being emotionally stunted. I know both of those are not true but still, I doubt myself sometimes. I guess it's because part of my self esteem and life satisfaction if you will is tied to how much I'm growing as a person to actualize the best version of myself and live my best life. Which then circles back to the FOMO. So basically you have the following emotions circling around and intersecting with one another: FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Sometimes feeling shame (or being shamed) for your decisions Feeling Envious (which also comes with a few seconds of anger along with some sadness/self loathing) Feeling Infantilized --> Feeling like you're emotionally stunted/ not growing up ---> Feeling like you're not living your best life Feeling Repressed And I think so far I have done a good job at dissecting and dismantling each of these factors that goes into this. This doesn't mean I'm never going to feel these emotions again again but being aware and focusing on each of these aspects I believe can help deal with a lot of limiting beliefs I have had consciously or subconsciously.

What does CR, WR, and DR mean? I'm guessing CR means current reality and DR means dream reality but I'm not sure

Looks like I still have a lot to write about. I also get additional ideas every now and then which I feel like exploring which is why I haven't gotten to all of the items on this list. Some additional things that have come to me include: Pole Dancing The Sex Work Industry and the Ethics of Using Your Body for Profit Unrealistic expectations and colorism Encountering Asexual Flirts Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? Different Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability Music I've Really Been Enjoying (I feel like this goes along with "Art Work That I Really Enjoy", but I wanted another post lol) Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where I am Now in That Journey Reflecting on My Writing Thus Far: Findings from Writing in This Journal Also, if there is anything else that yall want me to write, explore, or think about, feel free to comment. Definitely if you notice any blind spots, let me know but do so within reason (note, I don't speak for all women even though some may resonate with my writing so what I like isn't some type of across the board statement).

Dealing with Collective Trauma So it’s safe to say that after a year and a half of this pandemic that I have a few screws missing and that I have acquired a new flavor of crazy since 2019. The whole new variant thing is freaking me out tbh. I’m so tired of dealing with this stupid thing. And I’m not even the type of person who checks the news very often. If anything, I don’t check the news unless it’s necessary because I know this shit stresses me tf out. And now I’m in school. I was driving to campus on Sunday and I ran into a bunch of protesters with signs saying “death to Fauci”, “1776 is stronger than 1984”, and people calling mask and vaccine mandates tyranny. Honestly, I can’t even say that I’m angry. I don’t have the energy to be angry anymore. All I did was sigh and say “oh god, this shit” under my breath. I’m just exhausted by this whole thing. I also have a few classes where we end up discussing this pandemic a lot from an HR and corporate perspective. And so far I know that I have classes with a few anti-mask/ anti-vax people. Listen, I get that my college has an over all conservative leaning and that even if you identify as a liberal (much less a leftist), people are going to look at you like you sprouted a second head. But of all things, why does this shit have to be political. I can’t even say that I completely disagree with the *muh freedon* people. I’m just as tired as they are and I don’t want to deal with this stupid thing anymore. I empathize with their emotions. But it’s like… these are the sentiments that are causing this to prolong and mutate. And it’s just like….. can we not?!?!?! It would be one thing if I had to deal with this for a few months. I think if that were the case I’d would be fine for the most part. But it’s different when you end up dealing with a prolonged stressor like this. And I’m not even the type of person who feels super emotionally impacted by current events long term. Yes, they do emotionally impact me but after a couple weeks I’m back to normal. And if that’s not the case, I simply put boundaries on the content I consume for a duration of time. But this shit….. this shit feels like it’s been lasting forever. Like if there is anything I wish for, I would say that I wish a future version of me could travel back in time to this present moment and just tell me when this thing will end just so I have something to hold on to and count down from. Because a large part of the exhaustion is the feeling that this thing is never ending and trying to figure out how to deal with the uncertainty. And because I’ve been readjusting to the culture of this campus and now everyone else’s attitudes with this pandemic, I feel rather tired even though it’s only been 2 weeks. Time feels like it’s dragging on and in general my anxiety has been all over the place. I haven’t hit the ground running and I’m trying to be gentle with myself when it comes to this. But I do get this temptation to be more critical of myself especially because I’m surrounded by people who are rather cutthroat.