soos_mite_ah

Honestly, I feel like more guys and red pillers are likely to pass on the rhetoric on how men only want women who have nice figure and that they would cheat on the drop of a hat if they see someone else they like so you better do everything you can to lock him down. I feel like most women do recognize there is an emotional component to attraction and they are less likely to perpetuate that myth while still being cognizant of how looks can impact first impressions and the way you're treated. Whereas a lot of the more toxic men on here paint the emotional aspect of attraction as flowery nonsense and self delusion.

Oh no I'm exactly the same way. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I liked someone to where I wanted to consistently put my time and effort in. Maybe I'm picky, maybe it's my terrible luck of circumstance that I haven't met many people that I'm actually interested in, or maybe it's my life style/ recreational choices or some combination of all of the above. There is a part of me that wishes I was a hopeless romantic that would fall for people left and right because then maybe I would more easily find someone who feels the same way. And while not everyone can relate to this, I know I'm not some type of one off edge case either. Same. I think it's better for both parties if you don't settle. First of all, the guy doesn't deserve to be led on by a girl who isn't actually interested in him or doesn't like him. And second, you deserve to actually be with people you genuinely like. Also again, there are better things to worry about than creating unnecessary drama. Like I have shit to do, I don't have time for this and other games. What's the point of getting into a relationship or any romantic or sexual situation if you aren't having fun and if at the end of the day it just causes more headache? I'd rather be lonely and horny and have my peace of mind and sanity in tact than get into a situation that is emotionally eroding me and causing more harm than good.

Exactly! And some of us are simply focused on other areas of our lives during that time period like focusing on, school, work, family, friends, and other commitments. As a result, some of us don't have the time or energy to put ourselves out there to that extent in that particular way. Not everything revolves around sex and relationships for us and nor should it. Hell, some of us just don't like anyone enough to go further. Definitely women who party and have lots of sex exist but I think when it comes to things like this, peer group and what social circle you're a part of matters much more. And taking things like social circle into account can help a lot with the generalizations.

The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual Even before I started questioning my sexuality, during my 7 years of identifying as asexual, I still managed to connect with my sexuality. Granted, there are different kinds of asexual people and there are many ways of experiencing this so by no means can I speak for all ace people. This is just my experiences from when I identified as a sex favorable asexual. And I'm sure that regardless of how you might identify, you can probably still get something out of this. 1. Develop a good relationship with your body: While this list in no particular order, this in my opinion is absolutely crucial. Probably the most important item on here. I would say that this is also pretty broad and is one of those things that takes a while to chip away at. Some things include dealing with your body image issues and start seeing yourself as beautiful and desirable, feeling comfortable naked even if it's just by yourself, dealing with your relationship with food, and not seeing your body as dirty, sinful, or ugly. This also means taking ownership of your body and defining what you like and what your boundaries are. One of the big things for me was figuring out how to see myself in a sexual light without sexualizing myself. I think this can overall help with creating confidence and feeling relaxed in a sexual setting whether it be by yourself or with a partner. Personally, in order to do this, I did a lot of things from therapy, journaling, wearing clothes that make me feel happy, sleeping and roaming around my space naked, talking things out with people, affirmations, as well as just taking care of myself in general by eating intuitively, exercising, and taking long baths and showers. 2. Masturbating regularly: This helped me get rid of any shame I had regarding sex pretty early on and it helped me figure out what I like on a more technical level. And also, dealing with shame in one area of life can also cause confidence to bleed into other areas of your life which is really nice imo. Masturbating regularly also helped me figure out what my general drive was, the intensity at which I liked things, find out where in my body I'm the most sensitive, as well as relax into my body and overall get comfortable with everything. 3. Paying attention to the dynamics you're into: When it comes to figuring out what I liked, when I identified as asexual, by definition physical attraction was off the table. As someone who was still horny anyways despite not finding other people attractive, I found myself paying attention to the dynamics and the emotions that were at play when it came to arousal instead. I think taking away physical attraction away for a moment helped in the sense that it was like being blind in the way that blindness makes your other 5 senses sharper as a way to compensate. And now, even though I don't identify as asexual anymore, I still find that the capacity for insight that I built up over those years has been immensely helpful. This and masturbating regularly can help you figure out your boundaries as well. 4. Set the mood: Personally I like scented candles, perfume, nice lingerie (even though I'm too broke to get any), decent lighting, a clean room, and decent bedding. I know some people also like incorporating music but personally I don't do that. I also try to take my time and ease into it by doing my whole night routine and maybe giving myself a massage if I feel like it. 5. Do things that make you feel more connected to your body: This can be anything from masturbating to also letting yourself dance around alone freely, working out, giving yourself a massage or just sleeping naked. It can also mean controlling your breathing and making noises if you feel like it. Personally I do all of those things except working out really regularly. I know I'm repeating myself here because I feel like this point ties in with #1 and #4. But yeah, I feel like doing things to make you feel more connected with your body helps with being more grounded with sex in general as well as take more of the sensations in. 6. Get rid of shame: I'm talking about sexual shame but I'm also talking about shame in other areas of life. I feel like building a sense of confidence in general also bleeds into building confidence sexually. I find that getting rid of shame in general can really help with having a stronger relationship with yourself and with other people and as a result build more self trust and make you feel comfortable with vulnerability. Therapy, journaling, and talking to other people is incredibly helpful. 7. Connect with both your masculinity and femininity: Both compliment each other and both brings each other out. Even if you only focus on one polarity, given that you aren't suppressing the other and you're doing it in a healthy way, you're still strengthening both. I find that working towards being more integrated as well as find what your own signature style and level of each polarity is can also make you more comfortable and open towards trying new things because more integration usually results in less shame and intimidation towards things you haven't tried before. That can also open the door towards more creativity. 8. Porn: Honestly, I'd be more careful with this one but I think in moderation is fine. Personally, this helped me get ideas and kind of figure out what's out there so that I have inspiration to say the least. And it doesn't have to be videos. It can even be reading or listening to something.

Nudism The first time I stumbled upon nudism in general was when I was 16 or 17. I randomly just thought one summer *what would it be like to just sleep naked?* I tried it and I really liked it from purely a comfort perspective. To me, sleeping naked it just relaxing, it keeps you cooler during the summer, it's nonrestrictive, and you just get a feel for your blanket and sheets more. A few awkward google searches later and I found out some of the benefits with just being naked in general and I thought I'd give it a shot just to try it out when I was home alone. Thankfully I don't have any siblings so I pretty much had the place to myself. The first couple times, it felt really awkward but then I kind of got used to it. And I even noticed some of the benefits in my personal experience which is basically what I'm going to talk about in this post. It made me more aware of my sensual experiences in the sense that I was more aware of the temperature and the textures of things that I otherwise would over look because I had a layer of clothing on. I did go skinny dipping a few times at home in the pool at my backyard and honestly, it felt so nice. At this point, I can't swim with a swimsuit the same ever again in the sense that I'm aware on how much having a swim suit stuck to your body takes away from the whole experience. It helped my body image. A lot of people when they talk about having a good body image, they talk about seeing your body in a positive light. While that is important, I also think it's important to see your body in a neutral light, to love your body not because it's considered beautiful but because it simply is. Granted that my body image is far from perfect, I would still say that this was still a huge step in the right direction. At some point, you stop picking apart your body and look at the mirror and be like *hey it is what it is.* I think when it comes to clothes, it's so easy to try to focus on how flattering something is and what areas of your body is more enhanced and what is less. But when you're naked, there is none of that. You just have to accept that it just is. And eventually, you start liking what just is and you don't have to wear clothes that fit you in a certain way in order to see your body as beautiful. You just start appreciate it more in its natural setting. It helped me desexualize my body. Nudity is automatically associated with sexuality because most of the time other than maybe when we are changing or getting into the shower, we only see other naked bodies or our naked bodies during sex. But when you hang out naked for a few times, you start to realize that nudity isn't inherent to sexuality. Especially when you start doing unsexy things naked like doing homework, chores, or eating cheetos while watching netflix, you just accept that your naked body isn't inherently sexual. And studies have been done to back this up. For instance, when you go to a nude beach, for the first few minutes, you mind is going insane because it's over stimulated and it's highly likely that you're also aroused. But after those few minutes, your brain just gets used to it and it's basically not much different than being at a regular beach. A lot of what we consider "inherently sexual" is a part of culture. Even dicks, vaginas, boobs, and ass, aren't inherently sexual. I think boobs are a great example for this because many cultures around the world, especially precolonization, didn't sexualize boobs. They were simply a body part used to feed children. There are African tribes where it's normal to be topless and the men there don't walk around with constant boners. The only thing that is inherently sexual is watching two people have sex or do sexual acts because it activates the part of your brain that learns through observation. That's it. And this was incredibly important for me at that age because when I was 16/17, while I didn't hate my body, the only time I saw my body as desirable was when it was framed under a sexualized light. A lot of it had to do with my relationship to porn around that time. I wrote more about that in a previous post: Therefore desexualizing my body and seeing in a desirable but neutral and nonsexual way was incredibly important in me being more comfortable in myself. It also helped me deal with a lot of slut shaming that I dealt with at the time because of my looks. Any shame regarding my body that I internalized because of those experiences melted away. I'm basically at this point where I'm really comfortable with being naked just given that there are no men around. Apparently it's also really healthy for your privates. I don't have much experience with that in the sense where nothing really changed but I kept seeing sources on how even sleeping naked can help you have better blood flow and airing things out can prevent infection. Don't have experience in that but I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. All I know is that airing things out and air drying when you get out of the shower feels nice. As far as exhibitionism is concerned, I do think there is some overlap between I guess my nudism practices when I'm alone and my exhibitionism kink. The only overlap I can think of situationally is just sleeping/cuddling naked with your partner without sex (because that extra skin-to-skin contact is always nice) or just hanging around naked as a surprise when they get home. In addition to that, there just simply being comfortable with being naked. But other than that, no not really. I think for my exhibitionism to come out, there needs to be more of a sexual context because in my mind just hanging around naked isn't inherently sexual. Even with the example of surprising them example, there is a context and that context is the element of unexpectedness. Also, I think another good example of how context is important in differentiating nudism with exhibitionism is going to a nude beach. Since nudity isn't inherently sexual and since people go to nude beaches just to hang out and sometimes they even bring their kids with them, it would be really weird and creepy to do anything sexual in a nude beach or to interpret the setting as such. From like an exhibitionist perspective, I honestly think it would be more exciting to wear a small swim suit in a regular beach where people would see that as a little out there and kind of sexy than to be completely naked at a nude beach if that makes sense.

A Nice Voice I would say that this is that separate post but it isn't. I wish I could go more in depth but I can't. I feel like for me when it comes to identifying a nice voice, there isn't any one type of voice that comes to mind for me. Of all of the voices I have found beautiful, none of them have anything in common. For me, a nice voice is just a nice voice. I know it when I hear it. And speaking of knowing it when I hear it, I'm just absolutely captivated by this song and this guy's voice: The whole thing is so soothing for me emotionally. Honestly, I'm not really even paying attention to the lyrics, I'm just focusing on the way it feels. It feels very calming but also really upbeat and positive, like I've just been wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket, I'm given my favorite snack, and I'm just allowed to be. Straight up, I listen to this song whenever I catch my anxiety acting up or whenever I catch myself about to go on a negative spiral and his voice helps so much. This might be a little weird but his singing voice is my comfort voice lol.

Mundane Things that I Think About There is also a bunch of little mundane things I think about throughout the day that I find rather romantic and comforting. Some of those things include being hugged from behind while cooking or doing the dishes, having him get something high up on the counter without having me climb up there and get it myself since I'm too short to just get it, have him run his fingers through my hair or brush my hair, cuddling or napping on the couch together, getting ready for the day together etc. This whole movie is a master piece and I have watched it so many times. And even though I've watched it many times, this scene always has me either tearing up or crying like the first time I watched it as a kid.

AAAAAAND THIS JOURNAL IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED I have a new journal where my posts continue. Just needed a fresh start since there are too many posts on here for practical/organizational reasons. Consider this last post and the table of contents as the closing credits and consider the link as a sequel

Table of Contents Part 4 Page 16 Videos That Make Me Laugh Where Do I Want to Live When I Grow Up What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interests What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career Jobs That I Have Considered at Some Point or Another My Choices Under Capitalism Thoughts on Blogging What is Authenticity Off Days and Punishing Small Mistakes Page 17 Embracing the Awkward Part 1: I'm Neither Awkward nor Not Awkward Embracing the Awkward Part 2: Finding Confidence in Awkward Moments The Men are Not Okay Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I Closed Off or Do We Just Not Click? Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I a Dismissive Avoidant or Am I Just Not Into You? Page 18 Welcome to Wreck-Tok !!! Then for the rest of this page I was basically having a break down over the way my parents were gaslighting me and being emotionally unavailable Page 19 Continuation of the break down Cringing at My Transparency Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 1: Quick to Move On Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 2: Social Anxiety Online Dating Feels Forced Capitalistic Notions of My Best Self My Story of Class Consciousness (Never made that post even though I had a placeholder---> NEED TO DO THIS ON MY NEXT JOURNAL) Page 20 Crazy Crystal Astrology Lady Things My Birth Chart My Birth Chart Findings and Understandings Part 1 Big Picture Aspects Memories that Haunt Me Time Travel Things The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support Risk Aversion A Different Kind of Hell Manifestations Table of Contents Part 1,2,3,4

Table of Contents Part 3 Page 11 Credit Where Credit is Due Updating My Style Self Expression vs Safety Concerns Around Dating Self Control is an Overrated Part 1: The Path to Self Discipline Self Control is Overrated Part 2: Creating Habits Feral Cat Energy Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion The Happiness Spectrum Reconciling Preferences and Needs with the Absolute and Relative Embracing My Inner Basic Understand and Improve the Human Condition A Permanent State of Existential Crisis Coming Out as a "Spiritual" Person Page 12 Coming Out as a Spiritual Person: A Reflection on My Reflection Digital Self Harm and Masochistic Epistemology Pandemic Angst Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 2: Cringe Procrastinating on my Purpose Self Discipline is Overrated Part 3: Discipline Doesn't Work. Here's What to do Instead Turning Competence Into an Identity Part 9: Don't You Just Hate It When Men Judging My Judgement, Critiquing My Critical Thinking Appreciating Bitterness 9 Stages of Ego Development: Where Am I Now? The Necessity of Acknowledging Progress Fatphobia in the 2000s My Thoughts on Spiral Dynamics My Thoughts on the 9 Stages of Ego Development Page 13 Actually Acknowledging My Progress Journaling Habits and Writing Style Nothing New Here Videos that Resonate with Me Analyzing Cottagecore Cringeworthy Part 1 Page 14 Subtle Addictions Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 1 Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 2 I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Cringeworthy Part 2 How to Deal with Confusion Cringeworthy Part 3: Some of My Key Takeaways Shame Around Being Awkward Part 2: Becoming Comfortable with My Interests Dealing with My Spiritual Ego : Moving Towards Balance and Integration On Recent Events on the Forum (Trigger Warning: Suicide) Dealing with My Spiritual Ego: The Dangers of the Spiritual Ego and Why People Should Be Careful Page 15 The Limits of Science Mainstream vs Intellectual Versions of the Spiral Dynamics Stages A Rant About the Incels in the Dating Section Hedonism Through the Stages Lack of Life Experience, FOMO, and Feeling Like a Child Emotionless = Cool Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 1 Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 2 Life Purpose Limiting Beliefs

Table of Contents Part 2 Page 6 Life Update: General Health Picking at Wounds Experience! (or in some cases, lack thereof) Little Reminders Throughout My Day: Things I Tell Myself When I Catch Myself Spiraling A Reset Spending Time with My Stage Orange Friends Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy Christmas Cheer Page 7 As The Years Go By, As We Grow Up And Grow Old Perfectionism Snow in Texas And Speaking of Things That are Weird and Bizarre.... Thoughts of Dating for a Short Term Relationship Flaws Shame Anxiety Desire Part 1 Desire Part 2 Desire Part 3 Desire Part 4 Desire Part 5 Things I want to do when the pandemic is over My Unhealthy Stage Green Exhaustion Phase Life Is Easy Page 8 Party Phase but make it Cultured Media Consumption Analysis Part 1: Being a Material Girl Wisdom Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase Anti-Capitalist Depression Spirals America as an Abusive Partner Media Consumption Analysis Part 3: YouTube Media Consumption Part 4: Being in my Head Personal Development To Do List You'll Thank Me One Day Media Consumption Analysis Part 5: Instagram Media Consumption Analysis Part 6: Music The Type of Masculine Energy I Want in my Life Page 9 Masculine Containment Priorities Relatability Humor: Making Fun of People in Your Community and Perpetuating Stereotypes Dating Cynicism Videos That Spark Joy The Illusion of Memory Turning Competence into an Identity Part 1: The Desire to "Get My Life Together" Turning Competence into an Identity Part 2: "Having My Life Together" Turning Competence into an Identity Part 3: My Relationship with Actualized.org Turning Competence into an Identity Part 4: Having My Life Come Apart Again- Aspiration Towards Competence Shame Revisited Turning Competence into an Identity Part 5: Things I Have Learned from Contemplating and Journaling About this Topic Rejecting Humanness and Human Needs: Integration vs Transcendence Pinterest March 13th Limiting Attitudes Around Money Awareness vs Focus A Fluid Identity Page 10 Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness Vulnerability Media Consumption Analysis: Femininity and Feminism in the Early 2000s Letting Myself Be Human Turning Competence into an Identity Part 6: Family Dynamics Comparing Myself Against the Priorities of Other People Plastic surgery Nitpicking at my Appearance Accepting the Softest Parts of Myself: Thoughts on Vulnerability Feeling Unworthy of Connection Turning Competence into an Identity Part 7: Exploration Talking to a Vedic Psychic Medium Shame Around Being a Virgin Why I Chose to Remain a Virgin

Table of Contents Part 1 Ok so this journal is going to be closed but before I do that, I thought I'd make a table of contents of sorts so I can find my way around here if I want to reference this journal in the future. Page 1 Bad Systems, Not Bad People Blinding Joy Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.1 Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.2 Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.3 Being the One Who Gives More I've been in a particular mood lately Lately I Haven't Felt Very Joyful Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy Looking Back a Few Days Ago.... This is Random But.... Desired Career Paths Stillness Page 2 Self Development Won't Make You a Better Person Interrupting Cynicism Two Parts to Self-Esteem Giving All the Fucks in All the Wrong Places... Increasing My Level of Well Being Starting Classes Again First Day of Classes God is Consciousness, You are God First Day of Classes Part 2 Page 3 Human Interaction Something I'm Trying to Integrate: You Don't Have to be Special Cravings: My Journey with Food Adult Brain, Childhood Feelings 9 Stages of Ego Development: Reflections CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Pumpkin Spice Lattes Re-Evaluating My Life Purpose Resistance to Discipline Stability Fetish Understanding Ego Backlash Cheat Codes to Life 12 Jungian Archetypes 12 Jungian Archetypes: Reflection 12 Jungian Archetypes: Where to go From Here Meme Historian Using Fashion for Self Development The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 1 Page 4 The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 2 The Ways I've Grown at 20 Part 3 Smart = Safety Conscious Unconsciousness Tik Toks and Videos That Just Make Me Happy More Things I Need to Integrate Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Coming Back Up The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages (Green and Yellow) Mental Health Under Late Stage Capitalism Productivity as a Part of Trauma How to stop procrastinating: Noah Elkrief The Brilliance of My Self Deception Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem Talking w/ Contrapoints - The Left, Voting, & Pessimism Reasons Why I Procrastinate Page 5 Increasing My Level of Well Being Phone-a-Friend Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 1: How I Ended Up Here Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 2: Being the "Good Kid" Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 3: The Larger Systems at Play Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 4: I am Here, I am Present Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up Gentleness and Discipline

I've been doing shadow work in general. But in this particular case, what are some shadows I could look into more? I'm confused with the logic behind this. Can you please explain ? I guess I could say that I love them in that I empathize with them and I get where they are coming from/ what their thought process is. I don't have a hatred towards these people. It's just this sense of frustration and exhaustion because it's hurting all of us. Also, I think another thing to consider is what is acceptance. Because in some cases, acceptance means you're fine with it where as in other cases, acceptance means you acknowledge the truth of a situation regardless of whether or not you're fine with it. I do accept this situation, it's just not in the traditional way of accepting. I've been doing that but the mentality still kicks in.

I wrote about this a few months ago in my journal. Here is a link to the full post: And here is what I think is one of the most important parts:

Redefining Common Points of Self Improvement If you have been consuming self help content long enough, or hell even if you aren't super into self help (you probably encountered this anyway because people who do these things don't stfu about it) and you're trying to optimize your habits and life style, chances are you probably ran into some or all of the following: The benefits of waking up at 5 am Clean eating through a restrictive diet either through juice cleansing, keto, veganism, etc. Working out everyday for an hour Bettering your social skills Reading a book every week for a year And while all of these things are important, I think it's important to acknowledge the people who no matter how hard they try, they simply can't sustain that habit. And no I'm not going to put the blame on a lack of vision, a lack of discipline, laziness, or ego backlash. I don't think our human nature is something we need to fight rather it's something that we need to work with to find what is optimal for us individually. Waking Up at 5 am: Take the benefits of waking up at 5 am for example. I stg I always run into people telling me about the benefits of waking up early, getting a head start on the day and whatever the fuck. I also have a shitty sleep schedule 90% of the time. However, it's only a shitty sleep schedule because it doesn't conform to the whole "early bird get the worm" concept. I have nevertheless tried to do the whole wake up at 5 am every day thing and it wasn't feasible for me. So here is what I do instead. Instead of focusing on what time I wake up, I focus on the amount of sleep I get in the night. To me, even if say I go to sleep at 2 am and wake up at 10am, that's still better for me personally than going to sleep at 12am and waking up at 5am. That's part of the reason why waking up at 5 am was so unsustainable for me. I could keep it up for like 3 weeks but after that, I would've racked up on my sleep debt which is the amount of sleep you didn't get in a certain period of time which then piles up and starts affecting you emotionally and physically. Then, to recover from that, I would sleep for like 12-13 hours one day and then all of my "progress" would've gone out the window and my sleep schedule would get messed up. I guess the easiest solution is to go to bed sooner so I do get in my 7-8 hours before waking up at 5 am. But that would mean that I would have to go to sleep at 10 or 9pm which doesn't even make sense to me. Unless I'm going through something where I'm adjusting for time differences, it's very unlikely that I can go to sleep that early in the day, even if I take exhaustion into consideration. No matter how tired I am, I can't go to sleep before 11:30. Normally, my sleep schedule is that I fall asleep sometime between 12-1am. And I decided that I'm going to work with that instead of against it. I can normally focus on 6-8 hours of sleep (6 given I'm not doing that everyday) so if I go to sleep at 12 am, I'm probably going to still be able to wake up at 7-8, 6 if we are pushing it. And to me, it's much more important to consider what I do during my time awake than to see what time I wake up. Like regardless of what time I wake up, the same shit gets done anyway in a timely manner. Sure some days it drags on more in the night, but that works for me because I'm a night owl. My point is that productivity doesn't look the same for everyone. I'm still productive even when I wake up at 10-11am during the weekend and for the longest time I didn't recognize that because everyone painted that off as laziness or saw it as a sign of me being undisciplined. It made me feel like something was wrong with me and that this was a symptom of my sleep schedule being messed up which then I would try to over correct during the week by waking up early, thus causing me to be sleep deprived by the time the weekend comes along, and therefore causing me to mess up my sleep schedule even more. Being a night owl aside, I do have some checks so that I don't go off the rails and start falling asleep at 4 am and waking up at 12 pm. I make sure that I have like an 8 am or 9 am class (despite literally everyone advising against it) so that I'm forced to wake up. In those cases, I don't need all that much will power because the sense of responsibility caries me. And plus, I'm probably going to have to wake up accordingly when I start work after graduating anyways. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clean Eating: I'm not going to get too into this because I have an entire journal dedicated to it and my journey but this is my over all take. Eat what genuinely makes you happy and feel good and have a healthy relationship with food. That means, instead of focusing on all of the things you can't eat, focus on the things that you can and you are excited to eat. And you can do this while taking dietary restrictions into account. For example, if you are trying to cut out meat, don't focus on the steak that you can't eat, focus on eating whatever vegan or vegetarian dish you really enjoy. Or if you hate drinking celery juice in the morning, don't drink celery juice. There are plenty of other options out there when it comes to eating healthy. You can explore different cultures and flavors, and figure out what really works for you. Because if you genuinely enjoy a lifestyle and it's easy you're going to keep doing it. Feeling like you need to restrict 90% of food and eating chicken and brown rice isn't going to help. All it's going to do is make you feel deprived, cause you to binge, and then you're going to feel even worse about yourself. Also, if you have a craving, just let yourself eat the damn thing. Because the more you restrict and the more you moralize on food, the more you end up craving it and the more you'll binge when you get the opportunity to eat it because you built up this novelty/ guilty pleasure around it. Eventually, after giving in to it enough times, you'll start seeing the food more neutrally and you're going to get tired of it, meaning it's going to be easier to make healthy decisions because now everything is on the same playing field. It's pretty counter intuitive tbh. Additionally, take your environment into consideration. If things are out of sight, they are out of mind and the better you're at dealing with environmental concerns, the less you have to exert willpower and the more sustainable the whole thing is going to be. Sometimes it can be as simple as taking a different route to work or school or switching the grocery store that you get your food at. But of course, this is going to depend on an individual basis but yeah, do things that are sustainable to your environment and be empathetic to yourself in that regard. Finally, something that a lot of diets don't take into consideration when marketing to people is how the diet affects people mentally. It's so important to take your body image into consideration as well as your overall relationship to food and emotional eating. Those have a huge impact on your diet and can make or break whether or not a certain way of eating is going to be healthy for you. It's important because you don't want to overcorrect on something and causing more issues than results or you don't want to focus on the wrong issue and dig yourself into a hole. Basically, find foods that you like and that are good for you and eat those on a regular basis, let yourself have cravings without moralizing them, and take care of your mental health. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Working Out Everyday: Similar to the healthy eating, do exercises that you genuinely enjoy so you have the motivation to keep doing them. For me that is strength training and if I don't want to go to the gym, it's either dancing around in my room for an hour like a crack head or going on a walk while being lost in my thoughts. If you enjoy sports, do that. Make exercise a social thing that is enjoyable. I remember seeing a post a few days ago on how the reason why we end up disliking exercise as an adult is because we take the fun out of it and we put all of these standards as to how we're supposed to look onto it. Like if you think about it, you don't have to motivate a child to go out and be active. And I believe that there is something we can learn from that. Also, building in exercise into your normal routine helps. This is going to be different for everyone but because I live on campus, I have to walk everywhere so as a result I probably walk 2 miles a day or so. I honestly just count that as my exercise. I also worked a job not too long ago where I was always on my feet and had to lift heavy things so my work out was automatically taken care of. And again, even when neither of those things were at play, I still made time to dance like crack head in my room because it simply sparks joy. I also have some active friends who enjoy going hiking on some Sundays (this honestly started because of the pandemic) so I do that too. Basically, build it into your schedule so that you don't feel like you're going out of your way to do things. You want things to be in the flow of what you're doing. Again, work with yourself, not against yourself. Self control is overrated. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bettering your social skills I think before getting started on this goal, it's important to take into consideration what exactly you mean by bettering your social skills. I'm going to be talking from my own experience but I always had this certain image in my head of what having social skills and being socially competent looks like. And that image is someone who is incredibly outgoing, clicks with everyone, and is the life of the party. I always found myself falling short of that and then I decided that I was going to redefine what it means to have decent social skills. Because not everyone is going to be the life of the party and honestly thank god because that would be waaaay too overwhelming. Instead, I think we should have more of an emphasis on learning to be vulnerable and authentic, learning how the empathize with people personally and systemically, being socially informed and learning how to act accordingly in a way that is assertive and empathetic. It's learning how be confident without being egotistical, to learn how to advocate for ourselves and have boundaries, to learning how to navigate different contexts, different power dynamics, different types of relationships, and different situations. Not to mention it's about being self aware and socially aware to where you can read the room. You don't have to be over the top assertive, out going or for a lack of a better way of putting it "being alpha." Just because you are those things, doesn't meant that you're socially competent. We know people who are outgoing, who click with everyone, and who are the life of the party but are pretty insufferable because of their lack of self awareness. And because I had this limited image and I never measured up to it, for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me socially. No I still don't click with everyone, but I do know how to deal with different people in different contexts and I do know what to look out for to find my own tribe. No, I'm still not super outgoing, but I am still confident in myself and I know how to step back, evaluate a situation, and act accordingly. And no, I'm not the life of the party and honestly, it's probably because I'm not a party person anyways and I prefer to watch a movie with a couple of friends and just talk for the rest of the night. And when I finally let go of this image of what social competence looks like, it was honestly a weight that was lifted off my shoulders in terms of the ways I judge and critique myself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reading a Book Every Week for a Year I think this is one of those things you need to really look at what your actual goal is. Because if you want to be more informed and knowledgeable of the world, there are plenty of ways you can do that. You can read the news, you can listen to podcasts and audio books during your commute or doing chores, you can watch commentary channels that analyze different trends in society and pop culture, and you can go out and talk to people and have worthwhile conversations to name a few things. You can do a lot of things that are going to compel you to grow and compel you to have a more complex and informed view of reality. You don't have to limit yourself to reading a book every week as the only medium. Because when we over prioritize the goal of getting a book done every week, we lose out on our actual intentions and we overlook the process and whether or not that is sustainable for us. And in some cases we end up like Tai Lopez who goes around talking about KnOWledGE and bragging about the number of books he keeps in his garage with his Lamborghini when in reality, he just reads the spark notes and summaries without actually applying or integrating any of the knowledge.

Reflections: July 2020- March 2021 I was looking over my past journal posts during this time and I was reflecting on the things that are similar and different from back then to now. I do feel like I have grown and I have worked through a lot of things which has resulted in some of the following: Learning how to take better care of my health specifically when it comes to my diet and my attitude towards food Learning how to be gentle, nonjudgmental, and patient with my self Learning how to deal with shame A more complex world view when it comes to dealing with my own issues as well as learning how to deal with others More self acceptance specifically when it comes to my negative emotions, hobbies and interests, and how I navigate social situations (you don't have to click with everyone). Dismantling hang ups around competence and productivity Dealing with limiting beliefs around money and where I'm going to be in the future Letting go of the attachment to detachment Having a better relationship with self help and self development A greater capacity for vulnerability A redefinition of my priorities and learning how to stop comparing yourself to others Dealing with my spiritual ego and taking a break from spirituality in order to come back down to earth Developed my writing skills and gained more confidence in my writing Of course this isn't everything. I kind of skimmed my own journal and didn't go into too much detail to really analyze myself (thinking of doing that later though). And even though I can't say that I am a whole lot happier, I can say that I do feel more stable and that I mentally feel like my world view internally and externally is more complex and more matured. I feel like a lot of things I was discovering about myself and about life in general during this time feels kind of like common sense now because of how embodiment works. In other words, I currently feel like the expanding brain meme: I think this also goes along with the whole concept of "if you decide to be 1% better everyday, in one years time you would be 38x better than your current self." It's basically on how growth compounds. I can't say that I feel like who I am now is 38x better than who I was 6 months to a year ago, but I do feel the growth compounding. Gonna be honest, I'm not sure to what extent other people notice or to what extent I'm deluding myself. Though I have grown a lot of ways, I did still stagnate in pretty big ways. Like my previous self: I still crave stability and a quiet/ boring / almost mediocre life. I still have issues with procrastination. I still don't really know what I'm doing with my life and what my next steps will be after graduation. I still have a degree of social anxiety in the way I see myself as the weird kid. I still have issues with confidence because I feel insecure about my abilities and my intelligence and I have a sense of imposter syndrome. I still doubt myself a lot and I am still sometimes victim to doomer spirals because of how the world is. Idk, there is a part of me that feels like I achieved a lot of the smaller goals but I didn't achieve a lot of the bigger goals I made a point to accomplish. And I'm not sure what that says about me or my path to growth. In a way, I feel like the fact that I didn't set out to achieve what I originally wanted diminishes what I did accomplish. But then again, I do tend to accomplish a lot when I'm supposed to be doing something else. I really don't know how far I've come tbh.

I feel like I've really been spamming this journal lately. It's just that I have this list of all of the things I want to talk about and get out of my system and I feel like I haven't been producing what I set out to produce early on this journal because I keep getting side tracked by other things that come to my mind right at the moment. I made a list of 43 topics and I think I only talked about 22 of them and then some given whatever ends up coming up. I feel rather manic tbh. Even though I don't want to take a break from writing in this journal, I think I need to step back a little bit and slow tf down.

Gen Z Crackhead Humor So my roommate brought to my attention that there is an official term to Gen Z crackhead humor and that it's basically the new wave of dadaism A really good example are weirdcore memes, particularly the me and the boys at 2 am looking for BEANS: The whole point of dadaism is that it makes absolutely no sense, it's chaotic, and kind of dark. Weirdcore aside, I'd say that this form of humor is also pretty mainstream. I found a video a while back that did an analysis on it. And then we have these two comments that are near the top of this video that I feel sums things up pretty well. "This generation's humor is literally just a re-birth of dadaism. This humor was weird and dark and no one found it funny except for that generation. This humor was really popular during the Great Depression and World War 2. There is also fatalistic humor that is super popular now as well. I like to say that the type of humor shows what a generation has gone through. The darker the time the darker the humor. It doesn't surprise me that during this time of political, economical, social and environmental unrest that the generation would cope with insanely bizarre humor. Super fascinating, especially as someone who's a part of it." ""over the top humor, a little bit of depression, with a side of silliness" is actually the most accurate sentence i've ever heard about this generation and it's fcking floored me" And though this video and these comments were posted 2 years ago, I feel like the whole chaotic vibe of the world and of the humor just intensified since then. Honestly, I don't know wtf is happening or where tf it's going and sometimes I catch myself going into doomer spirals and the only thing to get me out of it is this fatalistic form of crack head humor. I also found these two video really interesting when it comes to analyzing dadaism in general as well as how it deals with leftist politics

More Music I Like After writing the previous post, I remembered a couple other songs that have a similar vibe. Sevdaliza I found her music years ago (2017) when she barely had anything out except for a few music videos. I discovered her from this video and I really liked her voice and her sense of style so I decided to check her work out. I love how one of the first comments on this video is "she showed up with skechers and assless chaps and killed the game" because she really did that lmao. I would say that Blucid is one of my favorite music videos as it relates to the contents of this journal. No joke, I'm so aesthetically attracted to this woman and the dynamic in this video. She is so graceful and powerful at the same time. And I love the height difference because it makes the whole dynamic more intense. And then there is her voice, her style, just everything asdfjkhi;jerccl. She has a very strong pressence and her energy demands to take up space and as a result the whole thing feels so expansive. I'm just really hear for it. I would say Sirens of the Caspian my favorite song by her. Marilyn Monroe is also up there. Though it's been a minute since I have checked out her content. I think I need to explore her newer stuff. As far as aesthetics go, I really like the aesthetics for her video Marilyn Monroe and That Other Girl. Human freaks me out but in a good way And finally, another thing that I thought about after writing the previous post was this song from the movie Nerve: I can imagine the scene that was taking place while the music is playing and that heightens my anxiety even more. But honestly, I loved the music, how fitting it was, and just in general I thought it was cool. Here is the movie scene. I honestly don't know why my anxiety ridden friend group thought it was a good idea to watch this movie when it came out in 2016 because the entire time we were really uncomfortable but at the same time entertained to where we couldn't look away. I swear, we were all bordering on panic attacks during this movie lol. Spoiler alert, at least no one dies a horrible death in the movie though there are a lot of close calls. Even though I know how this ends, this scene still freaks me out when I watch it lmao.

Here are a couple of videos from each source to get an idea of what I'm talking about. I'm mainly picking out videos I got a lot of value from but I'm biased by my life experiences and how my journey was on this path. The Heart Alchemist: Leeor Alexandra: Isabel Palacios: Rowena Tsai: Kayln Nicholson All Things Koze:

These are some spirituality related content that I like to consume. I wouldn't say that it's super deep and heavy regarding things like transcendence and nonduality. A lot of these sources are centered around self love, emotional awareness, healing, and law of attraction. In other words, it's a very much a stage green form of spirituality. But it's still incredibly important when it comes to sorting out your regular human shit. I would even characterize that as foundational even if you feel like you developed passed some of their content. They just have good vibes and they make me feel more in alignment lol. https://www.youtube.com/c/ChristinaLopes : This source mainly focuses on healing, spiritual awakenings, re-evaluating your life, and understanding your emotions through chakras. I found this channel really helpful in figureing out wtf was going on when I didn't know where I was at in my spiritual path. https://www.youtube.com/c/LeeorAlexandra https://www.youtube.com/c/IsabelPalacios : These two sources focuses on self love, law of attraction, manifestation, and being in touch with your feminine energy. I also just love their personalities and the positivity and love they exude. They have good vibes lol. https://www.youtube.com/c/RowenaTsai : This channel does mainly life style content centered around self care and productivity. I would say that out of all the sources I listed so far, this is the most stage orange but it's a very healthy and integrated form of stage orange. While this isn't really a spirituality source, I did get a lot of growth from this channel. https://www.youtube.com/c/AllThingsKoze/videos : Her main channel is more of a life style channel but as for self development and spirituality goes, I like this channel more. I'd characterize her content as self reflections over basic life experiences/ events with a touch of spirituality. Definitely felt more self aware and seen on my journey after finding her channel.

Music I'm Really Enjoying // Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability// My Relationship to Dominance, Submission, Fear and Relaxation in a Sexual Setting I thought this post was going to be only about music but then my thoughts and reflections went in a bunch of other different directions. Enjoy lol. I mentioned in a previous post on how I enjoy music from languages that I don't speak and how it compels me to be more in touch with my body. The same goes for instrumentals. As far as music goes in general I find myself gravitating towards instrumentals so there's that. I came across Podval Capella's music through YouTube recommendations. And his music instantly resonated with me. I normally don't do this for any artist (even ones I really like), but I found myself basically listening to one entire album in one sitting. Most of the songs feel ominous and a little unnerving. And for some reason, it also feels very primal in a way. I can't quite pin it down. I found this interesting because as far as music that makes me feel into my body and that I find sexy, I tend to gravitate towards things that are calming so I can relax into my body. But this is the opposite. It's ever so slightly anxiety inducing to where it feels exciting. But because of how deep and slow the music is, it isn't this manic form of excitement. It's more of a very controlled form of excitement that paces itself so you can really take the time to enjoy it. Also, as far as embracing the different sides of my sexuality, spring, summer, fall, and winter, I feel like Podval Capella's music really appeals to the fall side of me. And now that I think about it, of all the seasons, I find it most difficult to find music that resonates with fall. If yall have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm basically referring to this set of posts that I made. I'm only linking the first one because I don't want to have like 5 links but basically you look at the first post and the next corresponding posts as well. Whales and Cocaine are my favorite songs and slowed version of Harlem is right up there. I actually found Harlem first and that opened me up to the rest of his music. I also started thinking about the role of fear in arousal, more specifically my arousal. I remember learning in my psychology class in college on how the labels of our emotions are attributed based on both context and physiological experience. We got to the topic of how fear and sexual arousal physiologically feel similar from the heavy breathing to the elevated heart rate. And I think that basically because of the physiological similarities but the contextual differences, some people conflate fear and arousal together more than others. I have talked before in this journal on how my anxiety and learning to relax into the experience are common themes. There is that vulnerability in fear and in sharing fear is to share vulnerability which then opens the door to connection and intimacy. I think there is a lot of trust that goes into allowing/consenting someone to strike fear into you sexually because you know deep down that they respect you and they won't actually hurt you. And of course there is the physiological aspect on how fear impacts your body and how it relates to arousal. Referring to the post I mentioned just above, I think that a little bit of nervousness and unpredictability can tap into this sense of alertness that can make you more sensitive to whatever you're experiencing. And in the appropriate setting, it can feel overwhelming in a really pleasurable way. I also started thinking about my relationship to the concept of dominance, which then gets into the conversation of the layers to my sexuality and vulnerability. I'd say that there are 3 layers. The first is the layer that most people see when they first meet me which is someone who is very assertive, analytical, and put together. This layer can come off as intimidating and a little closed off. The second layer is this really soft and vulnerable side to me. It's emotional, it wants connection, and almost has this doe eyed quality to it. The third layer integrates both the first and second layer in that it finds strength in vulnerability but it isn't super soft like the second layer nor is it closed off like the first layer. It's also the reason why the first layer isn't necessarily a mask because the first layer is still some type of reflection to the third layer. The first layer I would say is mainly not sexual at all. It's just the way I'm with acquaintances and people I'm getting to know. The second is the way I am around people I'm really comfortable with opening up to. And I think in a romantic or sexual setting, the second layer does translate into a more submissive, traditionally feminine archetype. Finally, the third layer is what I'm like with people who I'm comfortable with opening up to and who have known be for some time. They know the soft parts of me but they know that this softness is not weakness at it's core and that if anything there is a great amount of strength and resilience in surrender. Sexually and romantically, I think that it takes a lot of trust for me to submit to someone but I think it takes me even more trust and time and feelings of comfort to feel like I can be vulnerable enough to be the pursuer and to be the more dominant one. And with this music, I'm getting this darker energy coming through. I find myself thinking of either submitting to the unknown or becoming the dominant agent of the unknown. Either I'm the anxious and excited receiver of dominance or I'm the dominant one that expresses excitement in a very controlled methodical way.

Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where Am I Now in That Journey Over all judging by my writing thus far, I think a lot of my limiting beliefs come from the following factors: 1. There is the racism both on a personal and collective scale that tries to paint this illusion of one objective standard of beauty related to whiteness and the proximity of whiteness. There is this notion of ugliness and fetishization that are both at play as well as the concepts of both hypermasculinization as well as hyperfeminization. It's often confusing to navigate these contradictions and as a result, it takes a while to unpack them. 2. Being sexualized because of my race and body structure to where I feel the need to focus on self protection over self expression. It paints this notion that my sexuality isn't my own or something for me to define for myself rather, it is something that is slapped onto me without my consent by other people who want to jump to conclusions because of their limiting beliefs. Objectification and lack of respect comes into the picture as well. Sexualizing someone is at odds with someone being sexual on their own terms. 3. General body image issues usually related to fatphobia. 4. Environmental and circumstantial reasons such as: going to a small school with few options going to a college with a lot of white supremacy being locked up in the house and not interacting with guys your age because of the pandemic living with strict parents dealing with mental and physical health issues while trying to fix your GPA and figure your life out These are all reasons why I didn't get many opportunities to put myself out there and have a lot of positive experiences to outweigh the negative. And sometimes, I tend to internalize issues that are out of my control and blame myself by telling myself that I must be single because I'm undesirable. It actually more so has to do with my life style and not interacting with many guys. 6. Feeling you aren't worthy of a relationship because you still have a lot of growing up to do and because you're terrified of making shitty decisions that will make you more traumatized than you already are. Also, something that is somewhat related is the notion of deprioritizing intimacy and not seeing this as a place to develop personally. 7. Sometimes feeling like an awkward virgin who doesn't know what they are doing or talking about. It's dealing with things like infantilization, assumptions, and societal expectations of what it means to be a virgin for so long. It's the collective shame around lack of experience. I think throughout these posts that I'm doing a good job on recognizing what's going on and being conscious about my issues on both a personal and systemic level. It's also incredibly helpful to dissect these things as a way of being mindful of what's happening and why you feel the way you do. I think that I'm at a point where I'm good at consciously dealing with these things but given my last post, I think there is some work that needs to be done on a subconscious level. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet but that's just where I'm at. Emotions that I find myself dealing with: FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Feeling Envious (which also comes with a few seconds of anger along with some sadness/self loathing) Feeling Infantilized --> Feeling like you're emotionally stunted/ not growing up ---> Feeling like you're not living your best life--> more FOMO Feeling Repressed Self Deprecation I think since starting this journal, I was able to vent out a lot of my emotions and find a degree of peace with them. I still feel these things and I find myself needing to have boundaries with myself so I don't start spiraling. I'd say out of these, I stopped feeling infantilized and majority of the FOMO through my journaling efforts which I think is a huge win. While I don't feel less envy compared to when I started journaling, I can say that I have a better understanding of envy and as a result came up with strategies as to how to deal with it in a healthy way. I feel less repressed from writing all of this out but I still feel like there is plenty more repression that I need to let go of. Some of it can be done by continuing to write in this journal but also, some of it just has to be let out through direct experience. Finally, when it comes to self deprecation, like I said before I'm better at being conscious of it. And as a result, a lot of it felt as if it melted away after I let it out of my system, acknowledged it, and critically looked at the validity of it. However, it still affects me subconsciously which I'm working on.

Mutual Attraction: My Self Sabotaging Lizard Brain and Dealing with Asexual Flirts God was everything so much easier when I was asexual. I still had issues with mutual attraction even when I identified as asexual. But it mainly came down to me not having many options that I liked because i didn't feel like I really clicked with people or had things in common with the people I dated. This is my first time getting on this college campus as a straight person. And it's the first time I have had to deal with my lizard brain being like this. I walk to class and I typically pass like 2-3 guys I think are cute every day. When I was asexual, I just acknowledged that they were attractive and didn't feel anything. I definitely could see it but I didn't care. Now, there is that feeling that comes with it and it isn't mainly cognitive. It feels like a lizard brain knee jerk reaction towards attraction and that knee jerk reaction is also followed by the limiting belief that's like "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly." And when I first noticed this knee jerk reaction, my conscious mind was sitting there like "damn bitch tf is wrong with you?!?!?" I had to do a double take on myself because wtf was that. I feel like when it comes to being asexual, it was actually easier to flirt with people and not give a shit on whether or not other people were attracted to you because first of all, you don't really know what physical attraction feels like and even though you know it's a thing, part of it still feels fake to you. And as a result you don't take it too seriously when someone isn't attracted to you because you're probably not attracted to them. And secondly, you have less attachment to outcome (unless you were romantically attracted to someone, then it's a different story, but then again that doesn't happen often so you don't have to really worry about it). Not only did I go through a flirt with everything that moves stage, but the two other asexual people I know are also giant flirts. Because they're asexual (and one of them is also aromantic), they don't really have stakes in the situation and as a result it's easy for them to flirt without ulterior motives, completely detached from outcome, and put the focus on the other person because this whole thing isn't really about them. It's very much rooted in empathy and just wanting to make the other person happy without expecting anything back. And honestly, when you take that route, things just work out better imo. I definitely felt the same way when I was going through that stage. But now being straight, I feel like I have more skin in the game and my lizard brain is more prominent. Like, this shit uncovered a insecurity that I didn't even know I had. Again, when I heard my lizard brain come up with that knee jerk reaction of judgement and self deprecation, I was honestly shocked and it felt like it came out of nowhere. Obviously things like this don't come up unprompted and I know plenty of places where this mentality comes from, both blatantly and subtly. Basically through these posts, I'm trying to knock some sense into myself and deconstruct these limiting beliefs as well as keeping myself accountable in the process.

Mutual Attraction: Sounds Fake But Okay? Honestly, it's really difficult for me to have any form of mutual attraction with someone. I think a lot of it has to do with my dating experiences so far. It's either I liked someone but they never had an ounce of feelings for me back or someone liked me and I made myself go on dates with them thinking I would end up liking them, but then I realize that the whole thing feels really forced. I don't think the problem for me is that I think that I'm unlikeable or that no one is going to see me in a desirable light and that I'm going to end up like the forever alone meme. My problem is that I can't imagine guys who I find attractive also finding me attractive. Part of me wishes that I liked people and had fleeting crushes more often. Because think of it this way, if you like 20 people in the span of 5 years, odds are at least one of them is probably going to like you back at least a little. That's like a 5% success rate. Doesn't seem too high or unreasonable of a success rate. However, lets say in a span of 5 years, you only like 2 people. Now if you want someone to like you back, you're basically asking for a 50% success rate which is pretty high. There is a good chance that neither of them are going to like you. The odds aren't exactly in your favor. And unfortunately, the later situation is my situation. I have tried to put aside first impressions and go on dates with guys who seem like decent people but I don't yet feel attracted to them. I figured that I shouldn't go with my gut reactions as far as romantic and physical attraction goes (that doesn't mean I ignore my gut reactions when red flags are concerned) and instead I should give people a chance before jumping to conclusions. And as result I began dating guys that clearly liked me but I had no feelings for. I tried to get myself to like them but again, the whole thing felt forced. Not only did it feel forced, but it felt really icky from my view for both sides. From his end, it's kind of messed up that a girl who isn't fully into him is just going on dates with him to pass the time. He deserves to be with someone who is genuinely into him in the same way he is into her. From my end, it's messed up that I'm settling for a guy who if I'm going to be honest, don't really like, and leading him on. It's a lose lose situation and when I realized that, I decided to be upfront with the guy and I told him that I don't think it's going to work out. And I don't think going out of your way to "get someone to like you" is the answer either. Because if you feel the need to change yourself or hide parts of yourself to get someone to like you, it's because they never liked you in the first place. And why would you bend over backwards and play all of these games for someone who doesn't value you in that way? It doesn't seem like a dignified or confident move and instead reeks of people pleasing. This is going to sound so fucking cliche and I'm rolling my eyes as I'm writing this but... I honestly think that the best strategy is to be more self aware and work through your limiting beliefs, find a crowd of people you actually resonate when you're being your authentic self (whether that means going to places with people of similar interests or whatever), keep working on other areas of your life instead of ruminating on your insecurities, and not lose faith or internalize your past experiences. There really isn't a short cut to authentic connection to people. No amount of cold approaches, altering your mannerisms or way of presenting, no amount of quick fixes is going to help. I think I always got most of that. I spend a lot of time working on myself and focussing on other areas of my life. But sometimes it does get difficult to not internalize things especially when you're in an environment that doesn't socially resonate with you. I had to redefine what it means to be socially competent and look at the factors at play when it comes to clicking with someone. I really just feel like if I'm going to have luck making friends or dating in a way that doesn't feel forced and in a way where I feel like I can really be myself, I need to get myself to a place where I find more like minded people (and more specifically places where there are more like minded guys). Although I did say that it's messed up for me to settle for a guy who I'm not even into and even though consciously I believe that I do deserve to date guys who I'm into, subconsciously, I think my brain says otherwise. Like every time I see a guy who I actually find attractive nowadays, there is a part of my lizard brain that kicks in and is like "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly." That lizard brain genuinely thinks that I'm inherently undesirable and that I don't deserve to have nice experiences. And a couple times I have tried to ask this lizard brain as to why it thinks that way and what exactly about me is undesirable and the lizard brain is just sitting there like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh, I think a lot of this knee jerk reaction has to do with past experiences mixed with societal conditioning which I have journaled about a lot in previous posts. I'm probably going to do another post on the lizard brain because this is getting long.