soos_mite_ah

@modmyth I do have a morbid curiosity towards this whole phenomenon. There's just so much you can talk about from the envy, the masochistic epistemology (and just natalie's takes in general tbh), the racism, the sexism, people growing more and more isolated, right wing resurgence and more. I do like how you brought up the racial subtext to a lot of this because I do feel like it is something that gets ignored for the blatant misogyny. I think this side of things is especially something that a lot of Asian men do have to deal with because of the way white supremacy demasculinizes them. I feel like when it comes to things like misogyny and internalized incel self hatred, each demographic has their own specific flavor of it depending on a myriad of factors, most of which come from historical context. I think the other reason why the racism aspect goes undiscussed about is because on how a lot of the mass shooters are white men, typically white men who have been rejected by a woman or isolated by a lot of people growing up.

Simple. Survival is supposed to keep you alive, not make you happy and fulfilled.

Feeling Profoundly Stupid If there is anything that college did it is make me feel stupider than when I first started. Studying a lot of the topics I'm interested in really made me realize exactly how half baked and partial my takes were and how I don't have enough information to do... well... anything for sure. The pandemic certainly didn't help because it took any amount of planning I had and chucked it right out the window into the void. I really can't say I know anything anymore. I think leaving college feeling stupider and less confident on your own takes is basically the Dunning-Kreger effect where the smarter you are, the more you realize how much you don't know. And then as a result, all of the smart people are self aware enough to realize on the grand scheme of things that they are actually stupid while all the stupid people tend to think that they are absolute geniuses. It's kind of how Trump goes to the NATO summit and starts talking about how he is "a stable genius" when he is actually probably the most unhinged mf that held office in the U.S. I have fallen into excess when it comes to this feeling of stupidity. Sometimes, rather than manifesting as humility and strategically standing back to get more information in order to carefully take action, it manifests as self doubt. self criticism, and feeling like I should stay quiet and not assert myself. After all, how could we say we know anything at all for sure? How could we say that we aren't bias and the factors we are looking at to come to a decision is something we are doing impartially and truthfully? How could we say that out methodology and our perception is to be trusted if the questions themselves have a degree of bias? How could we ever say we know what lies up ahead when there a ton of factors that don't even cross the radar until it's too late? How could we ever say that what we are doing is the right thing to do? And I'm not even talking about *oh everything must be relative, there is no absolute truth.* That can be a factor at times yes but when it comes to absolute truth, I feel like it's very unlikely that you will ever grasp it fully because it is by nature infinite. We can only have our own little piece of infinity if we look hard enough, but we can't have the whole thing, at least not all at once in this life time. All of that aside, coming back down to Earth, I feel incredibly stupid like 90% of the time in my classes and when it comes to making sustainable life decisions. I'm confused like all of the time and I feel like I do encounter an information over load in my head every so often. My head hurts and my soul feels like it doesn't have certain, solid ground to stand on.

Also @Etherial Cat @Tangerinedream @modmyth @Raphael @RendHeaven @Emerald @flowboy @aurum, I don't mean to put you on the spot but, I would love to hear some of yall's thoughts if yall have any. Specifically on the role of envy.

I know my post was really long but basically I wanted to explore the role of envy and how it can create a spiritual ego or create a lot of projection because strong emotions like like envy is really difficult for most people to admit much less digest. I'm not trying to say that getting into spirituality and also wanting to improve your dating life is wrong or at odds but Ii will admit when I first got to this forum, I came here with the expectation that I wouldn't deal with things like red pill ideology even in a section centered around dating because they are so low in terms of self awareness and awareness regarding empathizing with others. I do think that things are getting better in regards to how much toxic blue and orange is in that section, but I thought it would be beneficial as to why some people with similar mentalities would be attracted to spirituality apart from basic healing purposes. I also found some of the misanthropy and restrictions from life to be interesting. Sometimes I get this vibe that some people just stop saying yes to life and start judging people who aren't super into spirituality and self improvement as unconscious which I thought was important to step back and look into. I'm not trying to attack people who are having issues socially or people who are into spirituality or anything of that nature but I wanted to talk about some of the emotional self deception that comes with emotions such as envy masquerading as other emotions to protect the ego. I apologize if it came out in an attacking way.

A New Flavor of Crazy I just want to reflect on all the ways I feel currently insane. Like, I stopped dealing with a lot of these issues pre-pandemic. It's been difficult to watch me slide back like this. And even though I did grow a lot during this pandemic, I didn't come out of this in one piece. I really just want to acknowledge that, accept it, and have all of my shit laid out in front of me so I know what I'm dealing with. Because sometimes, having your problems laid out in front of you in a bullet pointed list instead of having it be this ball of mess that you don't know how to navigate helps. I don't know how I identify as sexually as far as my orientation goes. I'm horny, touch starved, and emotionally thirsty all the time. I am isolated platonically because I didn't have a social circle in forever. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going career wise. I'm dealing with the repercussions of emotional neglect from my parents since March 2020. I had a suicide attempt because my anxiety got so bad around last year. That's going to take a few years to come to peace with. I have developed a few kinks as a result of my current emotional state. I have anxiety from my dumpster fire life for the last few years. Money. That's it. I'm collecting shiny rocks and believing in astrology as a coping mechanism with all of the uncertainty in the world. I go on doomer spirals every now and then because of the pandemic, capitalism, and climate change. Everything feels dystopian. My body image is kind of fucked up because of the amount of time I spent with my mom and my school's culture around diet and exercise. I'm still a procrastinator as far as school work goes I still crave stability and a quiet/ boring / almost mediocre life. I don't have much confidence academically or professionally because of the shit show that has been my life in the last few years.

I Just Had a Realization I don't necessarily have a praise kink. Specifically, I have a reassurance kink. I don't think I had this pre pandemic. I think the emotional neglect and the gaslighting I experienced while living with my parents during this time caused me to develop this...... Like I know that I would romanticize the notion of someone actually being emotionally there for me, but it hasn't gotten sexual until recently. But then again, it could also be the birth control fucking with my head. *sigh* aren't I just a bundle of joy. I didn't come out of this in one piece. As I said in a different journal:

I agree with this. But I also wanted to focus as to why there is a lot on a spirituality forum specifically. There are a lot of corners of the internet where awkward, extremely introverted people gather but they don't turn into places with a lot of incels and red pillers.

I think a bigger thing at play is unlearning a lot of the social conditioning that comes with being a woman. Some of it includes but isn't limited to: building up more confidence since you are often silenced or treated like you're dumb allowing yourself to have boundaries and not get taken advantage of allowing yourself to have emotions like anger and letting yourself be upset since society typically paints those types of women as hysterical and crazy unlearning internalized misogyny to embrace your femininity without shame since femininity often painted in an infantilized, weak, undignified, and inferior light dealing with body image issues in a society that holds a woman's beauty as a way to measure her worth figuring out ways to protect yourself from men who don't have your best interests at heart professionally getting ahead in a system that works against you in terms of things like pay and benefits emotionally dealing with the trauma that misogyny and simply the threat of sexual assault causes figuring out to what extent what you want to do is conditioned by society and to what extent is authentic so you can make better decisions There is a lot of trauma that women have to deal with solely because they are women that men don't even have to think about unless the conversation comes up. And you can multiply all of the above when we talk about poor women, women of color, and women from developing countries.

Neck and Shoulders Personally, I'm really into any amount of stimulation in the neck/shoulder region. That area is just really sensitive for me. Like a guy who I'm interested in can whisper in my ears and I would immediately get goose bumps. Just the feeling of someone being that close to you in an area that you're sensitive at and having their breath fall softly is enough to override whether or not what he said was in reality stupid. Neck kisses, sucking on someone's neck, leaving marks etc. goes without mentioning. It's too obvious. Massages are also really nice. I'm pretty sure I mentioned before on how whenever I wake up with back or shoulder pain, it just naturally leads to horniness because of how I begin imagining being massaged and then having that escalate. I do enjoy the idea of being massaged but also giving a massage to someone I'm interested in. When it comes to the whole thing with the 5 love languages, I very much express my feelings through acts of service. And giving a massage, having someone relax into the experience, and taking away that tenseness and stress from someone is an idea that is appealing to me. When it comes to clothing, I actually feel the sexiest wearing something that is off the shoulder. I always feel kind of silly for admitting this because of the way that the U.S. school system moralizes against bare shoulders and claim that it will distract the boys when in reality guys don't care about shoulders. Honestly, I don't find other people's shoulders to be attractive, just mine. For me, there is something that is vulnerable and freeing about just having one of the most sensitive parts of your body just out in the open for easy access lol. There is a sensuality to it as well. Personally, I like tracing my fingers around the upper part of my chest/ collarbone area and sometimes give myself a quick neck massage for a few seconds. Also, another reason why I like it is because of how subtle it is. No one notices and it almost feels sneaky and exposed at the same time. It's the feeling of hiding in plain sight. I also feel like things like off the shoulder neck lines or anything that exposes the collar bone, shoulders, and a little bit of the top of the chest (not so much to where you get cleavage), has a graceful look to it as well idk why. And best of all, from a practical non sexy point of view, I have an excuse to not wear a bra which I'm always excited about because bras are uncomfortable and annoying. So then you get that added level of comfort physically which for me makes me feel more relaxed and as a result more confident. I have also talked about the whole necklace and Adam's apple thing in a previous post: And I think something that is also important to the neck thing with guys is that even though I am into it, it's not like I sexualize it. Like I'm not here internally losing my mind whenever a guy has his neck exposed lol. I think whether something is sexual or whether something is sexualized is greatly dependent on context and the situation you're in. It isn't so much about the body part itself rather it's what you can do in the appropriate context. I'm planning on doing a whole post as to why a lot of women find hands attractive and how that is related to the female gaze and how it's a good example of seeing something as sexual but not necessarily sexualized but I don't want to get side tracked so enjoy the preview with the neck example. But anyways, carrying on. I also find ties attractive. Romantically, I can just think of scenarios of playfully pulling someone closer to me using their tie. I also think it's really cute and romantic to fix someone's tie in the morning as yall are getting ready. I think it plays into the whole thing with acts of service being my main love languages. And also, just looking up into someone's eyes while doing it is also really cute. This is one of those mundane things that I like lol. Sexually, sometimes I get an intrusive thought from my reptile brain that is along the lines of *aww how cute, he comes with his own leash* to which my conscious mind responds with *BITCH WHAT!?!?!??!* I think similar to the whole shoulder thing, there is that subtlety that's there because I'm pretty sure most people don't subconsciously associate ties with leashes lol. I also like someone grabbing my neck and pressing on it a little. Not so much to where they are choking me but to the point where there is some type of stimulation. Just people touching my neck and shoulders in general is a turn on and it takes a certain degree of trust for me to let people do that to me. Because I'm really sensitive there (not even sexually, just in general), I have a reflex whenever someone tries to touch me there even if it isn't anything sexual. One time I had someone jokingly try to poke my neck and I almost smacked her. I remember another time, this is actually a really weird occurrence but when I was 7 or 8, I had a really bad sore throat and I had this doctor grab my neck to see if anything hurt. I remember making a face and trying to repress my initial reaction to smack him. I gave a weird look to both of my parents which basically said *wtf is happening* because even the sensation felt really weird especially since I don't know this person and I can't really talk because of my sore throat. The doctor saw me making this face and started laughing and said something along the lines of "oh, she's not liking this at all. Dad, be careful when she becomes a teenager and starts getting into boys and they start getting handsy." And even at that age, even though I didn't understand everything, I had this gut reaction of "dude wtf?!?!?!" Now that I'm older, I just sometimes catch myself thinking about that situation and how fucking weird it was. Like.... I was literally in elementary school tf!?!?!??! Why would you say that about a literal child IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS AND JOKE ABOUT IT!!!! LIKE HUH?!?!?!? That's just so sus in so many level omfg. And the worst part about this is that neither of my parents stood up and just awkwardly laughed with this guy. But yeah.... in conclusion, I like things that have to do with necks but if someone I don't know too well or I'm not comfortable around tries get too ahead and starts messing with my neck, this person will probably get smacked or punched in the face.

They're viewing attraction from the male gaze and how men categorize attraction into hierarchies and then they dig themselves into a digger hole. Next thing you know, they're spouting out incel rhetoric. I'd imaging that it frees you from the burden of actually creating a personality and seeing women as equals. Putting women on a pedestal and seeing them as subhuman are both forms of dehumanization. Honestly, who hurt you? Aren't you also the user who said that they don't care about anything regarding emotional intimacy and that it's all selfish bullshit?

Honestly, I feel like more guys and red pillers are likely to pass on the rhetoric on how men only want women who have nice figure and that they would cheat on the drop of a hat if they see someone else they like so you better do everything you can to lock him down. I feel like most women do recognize there is an emotional component to attraction and they are less likely to perpetuate that myth while still being cognizant of how looks can impact first impressions and the way you're treated. Whereas a lot of the more toxic men on here paint the emotional aspect of attraction as flowery nonsense and self delusion.

Oh no I'm exactly the same way. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I liked someone to where I wanted to consistently put my time and effort in. Maybe I'm picky, maybe it's my terrible luck of circumstance that I haven't met many people that I'm actually interested in, or maybe it's my life style/ recreational choices or some combination of all of the above. There is a part of me that wishes I was a hopeless romantic that would fall for people left and right because then maybe I would more easily find someone who feels the same way. And while not everyone can relate to this, I know I'm not some type of one off edge case either. Same. I think it's better for both parties if you don't settle. First of all, the guy doesn't deserve to be led on by a girl who isn't actually interested in him or doesn't like him. And second, you deserve to actually be with people you genuinely like. Also again, there are better things to worry about than creating unnecessary drama. Like I have shit to do, I don't have time for this and other games. What's the point of getting into a relationship or any romantic or sexual situation if you aren't having fun and if at the end of the day it just causes more headache? I'd rather be lonely and horny and have my peace of mind and sanity in tact than get into a situation that is emotionally eroding me and causing more harm than good.

Exactly! And some of us are simply focused on other areas of our lives during that time period like focusing on, school, work, family, friends, and other commitments. As a result, some of us don't have the time or energy to put ourselves out there to that extent in that particular way. Not everything revolves around sex and relationships for us and nor should it. Hell, some of us just don't like anyone enough to go further. Definitely women who party and have lots of sex exist but I think when it comes to things like this, peer group and what social circle you're a part of matters much more. And taking things like social circle into account can help a lot with the generalizations.

The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual Even before I started questioning my sexuality, during my 7 years of identifying as asexual, I still managed to connect with my sexuality. Granted, there are different kinds of asexual people and there are many ways of experiencing this so by no means can I speak for all ace people. This is just my experiences from when I identified as a sex favorable asexual. And I'm sure that regardless of how you might identify, you can probably still get something out of this. 1. Develop a good relationship with your body: While this list in no particular order, this in my opinion is absolutely crucial. Probably the most important item on here. I would say that this is also pretty broad and is one of those things that takes a while to chip away at. Some things include dealing with your body image issues and start seeing yourself as beautiful and desirable, feeling comfortable naked even if it's just by yourself, dealing with your relationship with food, and not seeing your body as dirty, sinful, or ugly. This also means taking ownership of your body and defining what you like and what your boundaries are. One of the big things for me was figuring out how to see myself in a sexual light without sexualizing myself. I think this can overall help with creating confidence and feeling relaxed in a sexual setting whether it be by yourself or with a partner. Personally, in order to do this, I did a lot of things from therapy, journaling, wearing clothes that make me feel happy, sleeping and roaming around my space naked, talking things out with people, affirmations, as well as just taking care of myself in general by eating intuitively, exercising, and taking long baths and showers. 2. Masturbating regularly: This helped me get rid of any shame I had regarding sex pretty early on and it helped me figure out what I like on a more technical level. And also, dealing with shame in one area of life can also cause confidence to bleed into other areas of your life which is really nice imo. Masturbating regularly also helped me figure out what my general drive was, the intensity at which I liked things, find out where in my body I'm the most sensitive, as well as relax into my body and overall get comfortable with everything. 3. Paying attention to the dynamics you're into: When it comes to figuring out what I liked, when I identified as asexual, by definition physical attraction was off the table. As someone who was still horny anyways despite not finding other people attractive, I found myself paying attention to the dynamics and the emotions that were at play when it came to arousal instead. I think taking away physical attraction away for a moment helped in the sense that it was like being blind in the way that blindness makes your other 5 senses sharper as a way to compensate. And now, even though I don't identify as asexual anymore, I still find that the capacity for insight that I built up over those years has been immensely helpful. This and masturbating regularly can help you figure out your boundaries as well. 4. Set the mood: Personally I like scented candles, perfume, nice lingerie (even though I'm too broke to get any), decent lighting, a clean room, and decent bedding. I know some people also like incorporating music but personally I don't do that. I also try to take my time and ease into it by doing my whole night routine and maybe giving myself a massage if I feel like it. 5. Do things that make you feel more connected to your body: This can be anything from masturbating to also letting yourself dance around alone freely, working out, giving yourself a massage or just sleeping naked. It can also mean controlling your breathing and making noises if you feel like it. Personally I do all of those things except working out really regularly. I know I'm repeating myself here because I feel like this point ties in with #1 and #4. But yeah, I feel like doing things to make you feel more connected with your body helps with being more grounded with sex in general as well as take more of the sensations in. 6. Get rid of shame: I'm talking about sexual shame but I'm also talking about shame in other areas of life. I feel like building a sense of confidence in general also bleeds into building confidence sexually. I find that getting rid of shame in general can really help with having a stronger relationship with yourself and with other people and as a result build more self trust and make you feel comfortable with vulnerability. Therapy, journaling, and talking to other people is incredibly helpful. 7. Connect with both your masculinity and femininity: Both compliment each other and both brings each other out. Even if you only focus on one polarity, given that you aren't suppressing the other and you're doing it in a healthy way, you're still strengthening both. I find that working towards being more integrated as well as find what your own signature style and level of each polarity is can also make you more comfortable and open towards trying new things because more integration usually results in less shame and intimidation towards things you haven't tried before. That can also open the door towards more creativity. 8. Porn: Honestly, I'd be more careful with this one but I think in moderation is fine. Personally, this helped me get ideas and kind of figure out what's out there so that I have inspiration to say the least. And it doesn't have to be videos. It can even be reading or listening to something.

Nudism The first time I stumbled upon nudism in general was when I was 16 or 17. I randomly just thought one summer *what would it be like to just sleep naked?* I tried it and I really liked it from purely a comfort perspective. To me, sleeping naked it just relaxing, it keeps you cooler during the summer, it's nonrestrictive, and you just get a feel for your blanket and sheets more. A few awkward google searches later and I found out some of the benefits with just being naked in general and I thought I'd give it a shot just to try it out when I was home alone. Thankfully I don't have any siblings so I pretty much had the place to myself. The first couple times, it felt really awkward but then I kind of got used to it. And I even noticed some of the benefits in my personal experience which is basically what I'm going to talk about in this post. It made me more aware of my sensual experiences in the sense that I was more aware of the temperature and the textures of things that I otherwise would over look because I had a layer of clothing on. I did go skinny dipping a few times at home in the pool at my backyard and honestly, it felt so nice. At this point, I can't swim with a swimsuit the same ever again in the sense that I'm aware on how much having a swim suit stuck to your body takes away from the whole experience. It helped my body image. A lot of people when they talk about having a good body image, they talk about seeing your body in a positive light. While that is important, I also think it's important to see your body in a neutral light, to love your body not because it's considered beautiful but because it simply is. Granted that my body image is far from perfect, I would still say that this was still a huge step in the right direction. At some point, you stop picking apart your body and look at the mirror and be like *hey it is what it is.* I think when it comes to clothes, it's so easy to try to focus on how flattering something is and what areas of your body is more enhanced and what is less. But when you're naked, there is none of that. You just have to accept that it just is. And eventually, you start liking what just is and you don't have to wear clothes that fit you in a certain way in order to see your body as beautiful. You just start appreciate it more in its natural setting. It helped me desexualize my body. Nudity is automatically associated with sexuality because most of the time other than maybe when we are changing or getting into the shower, we only see other naked bodies or our naked bodies during sex. But when you hang out naked for a few times, you start to realize that nudity isn't inherent to sexuality. Especially when you start doing unsexy things naked like doing homework, chores, or eating cheetos while watching netflix, you just accept that your naked body isn't inherently sexual. And studies have been done to back this up. For instance, when you go to a nude beach, for the first few minutes, you mind is going insane because it's over stimulated and it's highly likely that you're also aroused. But after those few minutes, your brain just gets used to it and it's basically not much different than being at a regular beach. A lot of what we consider "inherently sexual" is a part of culture. Even dicks, vaginas, boobs, and ass, aren't inherently sexual. I think boobs are a great example for this because many cultures around the world, especially precolonization, didn't sexualize boobs. They were simply a body part used to feed children. There are African tribes where it's normal to be topless and the men there don't walk around with constant boners. The only thing that is inherently sexual is watching two people have sex or do sexual acts because it activates the part of your brain that learns through observation. That's it. And this was incredibly important for me at that age because when I was 16/17, while I didn't hate my body, the only time I saw my body as desirable was when it was framed under a sexualized light. A lot of it had to do with my relationship to porn around that time. I wrote more about that in a previous post: Therefore desexualizing my body and seeing in a desirable but neutral and nonsexual way was incredibly important in me being more comfortable in myself. It also helped me deal with a lot of slut shaming that I dealt with at the time because of my looks. Any shame regarding my body that I internalized because of those experiences melted away. I'm basically at this point where I'm really comfortable with being naked just given that there are no men around. Apparently it's also really healthy for your privates. I don't have much experience with that in the sense where nothing really changed but I kept seeing sources on how even sleeping naked can help you have better blood flow and airing things out can prevent infection. Don't have experience in that but I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. All I know is that airing things out and air drying when you get out of the shower feels nice. As far as exhibitionism is concerned, I do think there is some overlap between I guess my nudism practices when I'm alone and my exhibitionism kink. The only overlap I can think of situationally is just sleeping/cuddling naked with your partner without sex (because that extra skin-to-skin contact is always nice) or just hanging around naked as a surprise when they get home. In addition to that, there just simply being comfortable with being naked. But other than that, no not really. I think for my exhibitionism to come out, there needs to be more of a sexual context because in my mind just hanging around naked isn't inherently sexual. Even with the example of surprising them example, there is a context and that context is the element of unexpectedness. Also, I think another good example of how context is important in differentiating nudism with exhibitionism is going to a nude beach. Since nudity isn't inherently sexual and since people go to nude beaches just to hang out and sometimes they even bring their kids with them, it would be really weird and creepy to do anything sexual in a nude beach or to interpret the setting as such. From like an exhibitionist perspective, I honestly think it would be more exciting to wear a small swim suit in a regular beach where people would see that as a little out there and kind of sexy than to be completely naked at a nude beach if that makes sense.

A Nice Voice I would say that this is that separate post but it isn't. I wish I could go more in depth but I can't. I feel like for me when it comes to identifying a nice voice, there isn't any one type of voice that comes to mind for me. Of all of the voices I have found beautiful, none of them have anything in common. For me, a nice voice is just a nice voice. I know it when I hear it. And speaking of knowing it when I hear it, I'm just absolutely captivated by this song and this guy's voice: The whole thing is so soothing for me emotionally. Honestly, I'm not really even paying attention to the lyrics, I'm just focusing on the way it feels. It feels very calming but also really upbeat and positive, like I've just been wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket, I'm given my favorite snack, and I'm just allowed to be. Straight up, I listen to this song whenever I catch my anxiety acting up or whenever I catch myself about to go on a negative spiral and his voice helps so much. This might be a little weird but his singing voice is my comfort voice lol.

Mundane Things that I Think About There is also a bunch of little mundane things I think about throughout the day that I find rather romantic and comforting. Some of those things include being hugged from behind while cooking or doing the dishes, having him get something high up on the counter without having me climb up there and get it myself since I'm too short to just get it, have him run his fingers through my hair or brush my hair, cuddling or napping on the couch together, getting ready for the day together etc. This whole movie is a master piece and I have watched it so many times. And even though I've watched it many times, this scene always has me either tearing up or crying like the first time I watched it as a kid.

AAAAAAND THIS JOURNAL IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED I have a new journal where my posts continue. Just needed a fresh start since there are too many posts on here for practical/organizational reasons. Consider this last post and the table of contents as the closing credits and consider the link as a sequel

Table of Contents Part 4 Page 16 Videos That Make Me Laugh Where Do I Want to Live When I Grow Up What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interests What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career Jobs That I Have Considered at Some Point or Another My Choices Under Capitalism Thoughts on Blogging What is Authenticity Off Days and Punishing Small Mistakes Page 17 Embracing the Awkward Part 1: I'm Neither Awkward nor Not Awkward Embracing the Awkward Part 2: Finding Confidence in Awkward Moments The Men are Not Okay Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I Closed Off or Do We Just Not Click? Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I a Dismissive Avoidant or Am I Just Not Into You? Page 18 Welcome to Wreck-Tok !!! Then for the rest of this page I was basically having a break down over the way my parents were gaslighting me and being emotionally unavailable Page 19 Continuation of the break down Cringing at My Transparency Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 1: Quick to Move On Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 2: Social Anxiety Online Dating Feels Forced Capitalistic Notions of My Best Self My Story of Class Consciousness (Never made that post even though I had a placeholder---> NEED TO DO THIS ON MY NEXT JOURNAL) Page 20 Crazy Crystal Astrology Lady Things My Birth Chart My Birth Chart Findings and Understandings Part 1 Big Picture Aspects Memories that Haunt Me Time Travel Things The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support Risk Aversion A Different Kind of Hell Manifestations Table of Contents Part 1,2,3,4

Table of Contents Part 3 Page 11 Credit Where Credit is Due Updating My Style Self Expression vs Safety Concerns Around Dating Self Control is an Overrated Part 1: The Path to Self Discipline Self Control is Overrated Part 2: Creating Habits Feral Cat Energy Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion The Happiness Spectrum Reconciling Preferences and Needs with the Absolute and Relative Embracing My Inner Basic Understand and Improve the Human Condition A Permanent State of Existential Crisis Coming Out as a "Spiritual" Person Page 12 Coming Out as a Spiritual Person: A Reflection on My Reflection Digital Self Harm and Masochistic Epistemology Pandemic Angst Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 2: Cringe Procrastinating on my Purpose Self Discipline is Overrated Part 3: Discipline Doesn't Work. Here's What to do Instead Turning Competence Into an Identity Part 9: Don't You Just Hate It When Men Judging My Judgement, Critiquing My Critical Thinking Appreciating Bitterness 9 Stages of Ego Development: Where Am I Now? The Necessity of Acknowledging Progress Fatphobia in the 2000s My Thoughts on Spiral Dynamics My Thoughts on the 9 Stages of Ego Development Page 13 Actually Acknowledging My Progress Journaling Habits and Writing Style Nothing New Here Videos that Resonate with Me Analyzing Cottagecore Cringeworthy Part 1 Page 14 Subtle Addictions Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 1 Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 2 I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Cringeworthy Part 2 How to Deal with Confusion Cringeworthy Part 3: Some of My Key Takeaways Shame Around Being Awkward Part 2: Becoming Comfortable with My Interests Dealing with My Spiritual Ego : Moving Towards Balance and Integration On Recent Events on the Forum (Trigger Warning: Suicide) Dealing with My Spiritual Ego: The Dangers of the Spiritual Ego and Why People Should Be Careful Page 15 The Limits of Science Mainstream vs Intellectual Versions of the Spiral Dynamics Stages A Rant About the Incels in the Dating Section Hedonism Through the Stages Lack of Life Experience, FOMO, and Feeling Like a Child Emotionless = Cool Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 1 Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 2 Life Purpose Limiting Beliefs

Table of Contents Part 2 Page 6 Life Update: General Health Picking at Wounds Experience! (or in some cases, lack thereof) Little Reminders Throughout My Day: Things I Tell Myself When I Catch Myself Spiraling A Reset Spending Time with My Stage Orange Friends Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy Christmas Cheer Page 7 As The Years Go By, As We Grow Up And Grow Old Perfectionism Snow in Texas And Speaking of Things That are Weird and Bizarre.... Thoughts of Dating for a Short Term Relationship Flaws Shame Anxiety Desire Part 1 Desire Part 2 Desire Part 3 Desire Part 4 Desire Part 5 Things I want to do when the pandemic is over My Unhealthy Stage Green Exhaustion Phase Life Is Easy Page 8 Party Phase but make it Cultured Media Consumption Analysis Part 1: Being a Material Girl Wisdom Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase Anti-Capitalist Depression Spirals America as an Abusive Partner Media Consumption Analysis Part 3: YouTube Media Consumption Part 4: Being in my Head Personal Development To Do List You'll Thank Me One Day Media Consumption Analysis Part 5: Instagram Media Consumption Analysis Part 6: Music The Type of Masculine Energy I Want in my Life Page 9 Masculine Containment Priorities Relatability Humor: Making Fun of People in Your Community and Perpetuating Stereotypes Dating Cynicism Videos That Spark Joy The Illusion of Memory Turning Competence into an Identity Part 1: The Desire to "Get My Life Together" Turning Competence into an Identity Part 2: "Having My Life Together" Turning Competence into an Identity Part 3: My Relationship with Actualized.org Turning Competence into an Identity Part 4: Having My Life Come Apart Again- Aspiration Towards Competence Shame Revisited Turning Competence into an Identity Part 5: Things I Have Learned from Contemplating and Journaling About this Topic Rejecting Humanness and Human Needs: Integration vs Transcendence Pinterest March 13th Limiting Attitudes Around Money Awareness vs Focus A Fluid Identity Page 10 Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness Vulnerability Media Consumption Analysis: Femininity and Feminism in the Early 2000s Letting Myself Be Human Turning Competence into an Identity Part 6: Family Dynamics Comparing Myself Against the Priorities of Other People Plastic surgery Nitpicking at my Appearance Accepting the Softest Parts of Myself: Thoughts on Vulnerability Feeling Unworthy of Connection Turning Competence into an Identity Part 7: Exploration Talking to a Vedic Psychic Medium Shame Around Being a Virgin Why I Chose to Remain a Virgin

Table of Contents Part 1 Ok so this journal is going to be closed but before I do that, I thought I'd make a table of contents of sorts so I can find my way around here if I want to reference this journal in the future. Page 1 Bad Systems, Not Bad People Blinding Joy Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.1 Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.2 Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.3 Being the One Who Gives More I've been in a particular mood lately Lately I Haven't Felt Very Joyful Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy Looking Back a Few Days Ago.... This is Random But.... Desired Career Paths Stillness Page 2 Self Development Won't Make You a Better Person Interrupting Cynicism Two Parts to Self-Esteem Giving All the Fucks in All the Wrong Places... Increasing My Level of Well Being Starting Classes Again First Day of Classes God is Consciousness, You are God First Day of Classes Part 2 Page 3 Human Interaction Something I'm Trying to Integrate: You Don't Have to be Special Cravings: My Journey with Food Adult Brain, Childhood Feelings 9 Stages of Ego Development: Reflections CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Pumpkin Spice Lattes Re-Evaluating My Life Purpose Resistance to Discipline Stability Fetish Understanding Ego Backlash Cheat Codes to Life 12 Jungian Archetypes 12 Jungian Archetypes: Reflection 12 Jungian Archetypes: Where to go From Here Meme Historian Using Fashion for Self Development The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 1 Page 4 The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 2 The Ways I've Grown at 20 Part 3 Smart = Safety Conscious Unconsciousness Tik Toks and Videos That Just Make Me Happy More Things I Need to Integrate Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Coming Back Up The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages (Green and Yellow) Mental Health Under Late Stage Capitalism Productivity as a Part of Trauma How to stop procrastinating: Noah Elkrief The Brilliance of My Self Deception Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem Talking w/ Contrapoints - The Left, Voting, & Pessimism Reasons Why I Procrastinate Page 5 Increasing My Level of Well Being Phone-a-Friend Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 1: How I Ended Up Here Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 2: Being the "Good Kid" Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 3: The Larger Systems at Play Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 4: I am Here, I am Present Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up Gentleness and Discipline

I've been doing shadow work in general. But in this particular case, what are some shadows I could look into more? I'm confused with the logic behind this. Can you please explain ? I guess I could say that I love them in that I empathize with them and I get where they are coming from/ what their thought process is. I don't have a hatred towards these people. It's just this sense of frustration and exhaustion because it's hurting all of us. Also, I think another thing to consider is what is acceptance. Because in some cases, acceptance means you're fine with it where as in other cases, acceptance means you acknowledge the truth of a situation regardless of whether or not you're fine with it. I do accept this situation, it's just not in the traditional way of accepting. I've been doing that but the mentality still kicks in.

I wrote about this a few months ago in my journal. Here is a link to the full post: And here is what I think is one of the most important parts: