soos_mite_ah

He has a very memeable face

Angel Numbers As I was writing the previous post and calculating how much I wrote, I came across 555. I know some new agey people think things like angel numbers (111, 222, 333, 444, etc) have some kind of significance. I mean, I don't fucking know but I do like to entertain the idea of it for the funsies. A while back I was talking about life purpose and blogging and I came across the number 18888. This is what I said about that: Is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it. I guess that's why manifestation works for me because I'm not attached to certain things but I'm still positive Hmm.... things to think about This time I looked up what 555 means because lord knows that I don't have this shit memorized and when it comes to the symbolism people who are into things like tarot, astrology, and numerology, I have to rely on google to be my dictionary. It's also 11:11 as I'm writing this lol I know I said this before verbatim buuuutt is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it.

555 This morning I woke up and as usual I checked my phone and got on Actualized.org to wake myself up because that's what LED screens are good for lol. I got to this website and I saw a 404 error. I know this site crashes every now and then but I never saw the 404 error. Normally, it would just say failure to refresh or something like that. I felt a little bit of panic recently thinking about how a lot of my writing was just gone and how I haven't been doing a good job at transferring what I write on here onto a word document. But I also felt a sense of peace in knowing that I was gone without a trace and that no one can use what I wrote against me. Peace of anonymity + reveling myself in hiding + life purpose implications There is a part of me that is extremely paranoid when it comes to the internet. I don't know what kind of internet education these children are getting nowadays because some people really be giving out their personal info and meeting up with people left and right but I was taught that what happens on the internet stays there forever. I was taught to never reveal anything that could give my personal identity away, not even my birthday and definitely not any ways of contacting me. I was taught that you need to keep your posts on social media as vanilla as possible because or else it's going to bit you in the ass and your employer 10 years down the line is going to get onto you about what you posted and will result in you getting in trouble. I was told to never use any kind of profanity. And even though I wasn't told this and this was simply a result of having all of these messages internalized in my head, there is a part of me that imagines a future where someone from my generation is running for president and people access what they did back when they were like 12 or they go through the candidate's search history. Even though people talk about things like privacy and anonymity on the internet, in the end of the day, that shit never felt real to me. There is a part of me that always feels watched on here or at the very least, feels the potential to be watched. And I think a big part of what enabled me to write as much as I do on this website is the anonymity. It's like I get the safety of feeling like I can fully express myself at least on a surface level, just enough for me to do this. I have thought about creating my own blog and basically do what I do here on my own little space. But there is this hesitation that I feel when it comes to putting my name and really taking ownership of my writing. Namely, what does this mean for my future and how will it affect my future career opportunities if anyone were to find out what I do. Earlier today, after the crash, copied and pasted all of my entries from my main journals and in total it ended up being 555 pages. I wrote 555 pages..... since July 19, 2020.... and pretty much no one in my life knows anything about it. This hit me like a ton of bricks. That's a whole ass book. That's like 3 dissertations. That's probably a +1000 hours of practice (say 1 hour per page and an additional hour for thinking and planning the posts). And this doesn't factor in the amount of time I spend doing the emotional labor of trying to improve myself. Like.... I'm really out here doing my 10,000 hours of mastery but I can't quite pinpoint as to what exactly I'm pointing my efforts towards other than me getting my life together and developing myself. I'm simply existing and doing my thing. I don't know what these skills can contribute to towards the future. It feel like I'm hiding this huge part of myself without realizing it. I have only one person who knows I have a pseudo blog in a forum and that is my roommate. We got into a conversation about our experiences on internet forums and how we both have this paranoia of employers finding what we post and getting repercussions on that. And then we got on to the topic as to how the internet can feel like big brother and how we need to have better boundaries as to how our lives outside of work and school impacts what we do in work and school. This person hasn't read any of my writing nor do they know about this forum. I suppose there is a part of me that wants more people who are close to me to read my writing. But also, I'm hesitant to tell them about this forum because of some of the conversations users have on here as it relates to things like dating, psychedelics etc. I'm pretty sure if they found out about the incel community on here that they would be really concerned as to where I spend my time and what I spend looking at on the internet. As much as I like Leo and his content, I can't say that the way he presents his content is suitable for normies. Knowing how much I wrote on here also feels weird because of how much I have revealed about myself, my thoughts, my experiences, my emotions etc. Don't get me wrong, I highly doubt anyone has read all of my posts in detail to where they actually know me, but it feels strange to know that so much of myself is just out there and accessible. It doesn't feel bad per se but it does feel a little strange. I'm pretty sure that if there was anyone who took the time to read everything in detail, that person would probably know more about me than anyone in my day to day life. I guess the strangeness comes from the parasocial nature of it all, how a person could know so much about me but I don't know anything about them. (I also feel that the topic of parasocial relationships and personal/professional boundaries is a post for another day) Fear of forgetting my skills and losing my work There was a sense of panic that set in as well, mainly because I haven't been super on top of copy and pasting my writing to word documents. I was afraid that I lost my work and as a result, potentially a way to track my progress as a writer. If I'm going to be perfectly honest, even after writing this much and being consistent with it, I still struggle to see myself as a writer. Perhaps it's because of how spontaneous a lot of this is and how I seldom edit my posts. I know that I frequently have spelling errors tor grammar errors in my writing so it's not like I'm being really attentive of my craft, if you can call it that. Perhaps it's the lack of professionalism in my content and how personal I make things out to be. I do tend to write a lot about personal topics and contemplations and I'm afraid if I shared the contents of my writing in a conversation that it would look like I was oversharing if it wasn't in this context. Perhaps it's how casual this is. I do tend to shit post time to time and I through in an lol or lmao or four to convey that I'm actually joking around since it's sometimes difficult to convey tone and sarcasm online. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm a barely formed adult whose brain is still forming and I'm very likely to sound fake deep and kind of cringe. I do sometimes think about my tumblr posts from back in 2017 and how I though I was being sooooo deep when I was just growing up and developing emotional depth perception. Perhaps I have a lot of limiting beliefs around what is considered good writing and as a result I don't identify as a writer. I suppose that if everything got deleted, I might forget that I ever had a tendency to write like this. This medium really works well for me if I'm going to be honest. And I think on some level it would hurt me if I were to lose the proof of all of this work I put into myself. Another thought that I had was on how if I did ever start writing on my own platform, how people wouldn't really get to see my "start" if you will. Because if I were to do anything with writing on the internet, internally I would point to this forum as my start. I guess if the skills I'm developing takes me anywhere, my journals would be like records of my life purpose journey in action, personal details and all. So, I do believe there is a degree of sentimentality that is attached to my previous posts whether or not they are public The sense of awkwardness of going away without a goodbye I do have a few people I talk to and I really look up to on here. I have had many good conversations on here. I feel like it would have been weird if that were to be cut short. And the few people I do feel like I connect to, it's not like I can really contact them on any other platform. But at the same time, since this is just a forum and we've only had a few interactions here and there, I'm hesitant to call them friends and reach out beyond this forum. This might also be the internet paranoia I have lol and how I find it more difficult to make internet friends in general. I would expand on this but I feel like this is a topic for a different time.

Astrology and the Timing of My Own Life It isn't an uncommon phenomenon for people to fall into things like religion, spirituality, or faith in some higher power in the face of adversity and uncertainty. While I have never went deep into demonizing religion or spirituality at any point in my journey and always had some appreciation for it, at the very least in the cultural and philosophical contribution that religion has given to society as a whole, I do catch myself wondering, and in some cases making fun of myself (sometimes lightly other times in a judgmental way) as to why I gravitated towards astrology and tarot. I tend to joke about how things turned out this way because I would much rather chill with tiktok witches who want to manifest the end of capitalism than hang with religious fundamentalists who believe that trans people should burn in hell. But after thinking about it a little more, I think there is more to it. I'm currently in a place in my self help journey where I'm growing impatient. While I have been doing a good job at sticking to long term goals, for one reason or another (usually from things outside of my control), I haven't been getting my tangible rewards. That's not to say that I'm not growing as a person, I most definitely am, much more than what I anticipated if anything. But the fruits of self development aren't always things you can take a picture of and brag about with your friends like you would with say getting to your ideal body, being accepted into you dream school or program, building a fulfilling career, or finding a person or groups of people you really resonate with. I remember being incredibly depressed at 16 and committing to myself to spend the following year getting my life together. That meant dealing with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD, being on track to going to the school of my choice, maintaining my solid group of friends, and healing from the trauma my family caused me. I thought I could get all of this done within a year or two but here I am five years later. I have covered a lot of ground and I have gone further than I could have imagined, but I didn't anticipate the journey to be this long. And I don't know how much longer until I do get to that destination. I feel like that kid who is on a road trip whining to their parents "are we there yet??" even though they know damn well they aren't anywhere near. The pandemic exacerbated those delays. There is also a lesson that I have ingrained into my head but for some reason haven't been able to fully integrate into my soul. And that lesson is "trust the timing of your own life." I rolled my eyes while writing the previous sentence. It's so cliché and I've used this line as a way of soothing the disappointments that came with the delays in my life. It worked the first few times, but after that I began annoying myself due to my own pent up impatience. I want my thriving career now. I want my travel plans now. I want my thriving social life now. I want my significant other now. And this impatience isn't coming from an irrational place either. I've been working towards these things and sorting out my inner demons for years and sometimes I wonder if any of this will be worth it. That's where astrology and tarot comes in. I think the reason why I gravitated towards astrology over traditional religion is because I like how timed astrology can be and how it can serve as a predictive resource, My Saturn in Taurus in the 7th house basically says that I'm expected to see delays in my romantic life but it will be worth in the end because I need those years of consistent effort to build a very stable foundation most likely in my mid 20s to early 30s. The weird cross formation that's on my chart says that yeah things are a cluster fuck right now but the moment you get it together there wont be anything stopping you because you worked hard to get to where you're at and the adversity you went through provided the structure you needed to develop into the person you're meant to be. My progressed moon in Capricorn says that I entered a two year time period where I need to tear down everything that wasn't serving me to slowly build a more realistic, more grounded vision for my life and that I will be entering the next phase of my emotional needs when my moon moves into Aquarius in September 2022. And finally, I have discovered a bunch of astrologers who lowkey predicted the course of the pandemic and how things will turn out for this decade. I'm not saying they are right all the time but I will say that so far they have been on point and if anything dramatic happens in the U.S. economy on 2/22/2022, I'm going to be shook. So while it's nice to hear thing like "god has a plan" and "everything will be ok in the end," I like knowing when that plan is going to pay off and when the end is going to be. Even if the date doesn't even make sense, it's still something to hold on to. For example, as much as people love to bitch about mercury being in retrograde, we also know when mercury is getting out of retrograde. So even if you're going through it, there is a date you can count down to instead of feeling like your life is crashing down and there is no end to it. I also like on how astrology can give you a sense of reassurance both on the positive and the negative aspects of myself and my life. Like not only does it give me the times when I'm more likely to be fortunate, but it also gives me the times when I'm more likely to be misfortunate. And that gives me this sense of control as well a sense of reality because it's not like my chart is saying that things are always going to be going well. It reassures me by saying, *hey, this isn't all in your head, you aren't going crazy, the transits are real fucked up right now, but that's ok because it won't be long til things start to lighten up. Just hang in there for a few more months.* And a lot of times, whether it's because the sky switched up on me or I put in the work, things usually do lighten up in a few months or so. In the end, while my life is a mess, at the very least, at least I don't walk into the new year with the previous year's problems. I come prepared with new challenges lol.

When I'm at an event, my social battery is suddenly empty, and I have run out of things to say Also, when people unexpectedly start to flirt with me. I'm often surprised, flustered, and left standing there because I have no idea what to do. But I learned to use my social anxiety to my benefit in those situations lol

The main problem I hear from my female friends who are attracted to women is that 1. sometimes it's hard to figure out if a woman is gay and flirting with you since straight women tend to be affectionate towards other women and 2. all of your advances just looks like you're trying to be best friends with them. The main advantage is that it's going to be much easier to establish that sense of trust and safety when you're dealing with other women as a woman. That said, the first video looked rather awkward and the second video where the girl was like "I could change you" was weird af. A lot of videos like these look really fake and staged af.

All of these sound like feeling inadequate in the face of heteronormative standards. I don't see why being slightly submissive sexually and being skinny would contradict with being straight.

100% While I'm not gender non-conforming or non-binary, I have a few friends who are and who have shared their experiences with me. The common thread I get is that they tend to like what they like and they express themselves according to how masculine or feminine they feel that day. They find having labels for sexuality (i.e. gay, straight, bi) can be limiting and box people in from really exploring what they do and don't like in some cases. And finally, masculinity and femininity is seen as gender neutral so even if they feel feminine one day, they might still be more attracted to another similarly feminine partner of the same or opposite assigned gender. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that especially compared to a lot of people on this forum, they don't over think attraction and try to play up a type of polarity. They just like what they like and that's that. Also, just in general, a lot of LGBTQ people tend to make fun of straight people and their binaries because it can manifest in some really cringy ways. Heterofatalism is a whole topic of it's own and while I did write a whole post about it that I believe I linked above, I thought I'd still share a relevant portion: I think the reason why a lot of LGBTQ people make fun of straight people isn't about making fun of being attracted to the opposite sex as it's more so about the rigid gender roles, how it boxes people in, and how awkward that can be because it feels so forced but then those people go on to complain about gayness being unnatural. Like the same people that have their kids wear shit like this: are the same people who believe that gay people are pushing an agenda towards children simply by existing without having the self awareness to see how what they're doing is pushing an agenda of how boys and girls inherently behave in different ways. Personally, when it comes to things like dating and relationship advice, my general rule of thumb is that if the piece of advice can be applicable to both men and women, it's generally good advice, but if the advice has undertones of *men are from mars, women are from venus* it's usually cringe at best (like how you can't approach a guy if you're a woman and you can't double text or else he'll think you're too easy) or straight up dangerous at worse (hypergamy, red pill, black pill). Also, if a dating advice person has an attitude that the opposite sex is like from a different planet because men and women are inherently different on a psychological level, that usually tells me that this person views people through the lens of overly simplified binaries to group people rather than as complex and holistic human.

@blueberries Granted I don't know the context of the statement so I might be wrong but I feel like that this could also be in the context of saving more money by living with your parents and therefore be able to hustle more since you don't have to worry about things like rent and food.

Can we please stop assuming that women do these thing for men and male attention or that participating in what is considered traditionally feminine makes a woman less intelligent or conscious. Not everything revolves around you or other men.

I remember once listening to this take by one woman who was saying that the real conservative party in the U.S. was the Democrats because they wanted to *conserve* the status quo. The Republicans on the other hand aren't conservative rather they are regressive. Her whole thing was on how the U.S. political spectrum was stunted and how we technically have 2 right wing parties.

I try to emotionally distance myself from the situation so I don't get too wrapped up in it. One of my favorite ways of doing it is by showing up to a family function and trying to take a social scientists pov on the situation. Like *here we have uncle bob acting out trauma he hasn't processed from way back in 1985.* It's kind of like looking at the situation as its on national geographic lol. That way, you can acknowledge what's going on without disassociating but it isn't so much so where you're taking things personally. Also, letting yourself feel before and after the event is great because it helps you process what's happening. Finally, setting boundaries and standing up for yourself in a way that is assertive rather than aggressive is always good.

I honestly think that peer group (especially privilege) matters a lot when it comes to this type of thing. There is a group of people (usually wealthy white people) who I have encountered who basically treated this pandemic as a minor inconvenience and didn't do any reflecting or any learning during this time period. Then there is the majority of my social circle who were emotionally impacted by the pandemic and related events greatly and they had to process through that and take the lessons from the processing. While we don't talk about this stuff constantly and we still talk about basic stuff that's going on in the media, we still do give each other the space to vent and process with one another. I'm making wide sweeping generalizations because I don't think it's appropriate for me to go into personal details of the people I talk to: How much of our lives is centered around consumption (I had a lot of friends reevaluate their consumption habits and resort to doing things like going on picnics or hikes as a way to socialize). Capitalism being a scam. This goes along with the consumption and how we use consumption to cope our busy, and sometimes unfulfilling. work lives and how then we need to be even busier to maintain this lifestyle therefore turning this into a feedback loop. Had a lot of friends educate themselves on police brutality and how private prisons work. Questioning the validity of online activism Learning how to be more independent by being on their own. Learning how to actively keep in touch with people and value relationships more. Dealing with difficult parents and living circumstances (finding ways to cope, realizing they need to leave these relationships etc.) Working through inner turmoil since there isn't much you can distract yourself with (processing trauma and narcissistic abuse, dealing with eating disorders, taking care of depression and anxiety, etc.) Changing majors or work circumstances because of lack of fulfillment (there is also a great resignation happening where people are quitting their jobs because the work place isn't treating them right and because of things like burn out). The importance of taking care of yourself and how that is also something that is productive.

Oh no you're perfectly fine. I just commented a bank of information for anyone who was interested. I realize it's quite a lot considering on how detailed I can be on my journal posts

I'm curious to hear about the accounts of people who found/created their life purpose and aligned themselves with it. Of course, you don't have to be at the point of a glorious end game where all of your hopes and dreams have already come true rather I want stories of people who discovered their life purpose, put themselves on the right track, and now are content with being on the journey they are at. You don't have to take the life purpose course to answer this question but if you did take that course and can tie it into your answer, that's all the more better. I have a few questions to start the discussion off: What was it like when you uncovered your purpose? How does consistently aligning yourself with your purpose play out for you internally? (did you really have to force yourself initially or did things naturally fall into place, or was it a combination of both)? What is routine like and how does it reflect your purpose? How intimidating was committing to your purpose? Why was it intimidating and what did it feel like? How long did it take since committing to your purpose to gain traction towards what you were trying to achieve? How has your life changed since then (both emotionally as well as tangibly)?

Grounded I know I haven't been posting much lately but I have been putting in a lot of emotional labor in terms of the classes I'm taking, recent dips in my mental health, and me working through the things I have gone through for the past year and a half or so. And I can't believe I'm saying this but I feel like I'm in a much more grounded place than where I was back in August or so. However, I will say that I feel rather stressed and tired. Stressed because last week I had 2 presentations, a paper, and an international negotiation assignment I had to do for class all due back to back. Friday was not much better because I essentially had to deal with people for 12 hours straight with no breaks. I've also had somewhat of a social life in the last 3-4 weeks and I'm proud of that lol. Today, I've basically been a potato of sorts. I did absolutely nothing so far. The only two people I have talked to is my roommate and the people at the dining hall to get food. I do need to get some work done but I've been putting it off, not because of procrastination but because I simply feel tired. I really need to get some things done today because I have 2 papers and 2 presentations next week so that should be fuuuuunnn..... But thankfully, none of these assignments are that bad so I think it should be fine lol. I just have to emotionally prepare myself for these presentations. That's my main issue tbh. I'm also really proud of how far I've come compared to where I was emotionally in the beginning of the semester (or hell even last month). I feel like I accomplished a lot internally and externally. I've been writing a lot in my other journal, Self Development To Do List, as a way of tracking my progress and growth emotionally. I will say though, this whole thing felt really slow and steady. It's been to the point where in a lot of times in this semester I was wondering if I was getting anywhere at all. I felt pretty impatient for a lot of the semester and in a way there are some aspects of my life that still leaves me feeling impatient. And I will say that this way of growth feels much more stable, solid, and more sustainable than before. But even though it's slow and steady, when I look back I feel like I'm making quick progress tbh. It does feel very much like a marathon than a sprint and as a result, I do feel tired and rather impatient for the finish line even though I know I need to pace myself.

Thought this video was interesting and was wondering what yall's thoughts are

I'm mainly posting this to vent and share my experience. I'm currently taking a public speaking/ business communication course in college. My college is incredibly stage orange and you will get labelled as a leftist nutcase if people sense that you are even slightly left of center. This class requires me to present a persuasive presentation. Some topics to choose from include persuade the class to invest in a particular stock or investment, persuade people to donate to a nonprofit, sell a novel product idea, or introduce a new way of doing business that will yield to profits. Today, I chose violence. I walked into class at 9 am in the morning in a room full of conservative finance bros and gave a presentation on the importance of workers rights and fair wages/compensation. I started my presentation and I immediately saw a bunch of eye rolls and people who were staring me down. I hesitated and messed up in this presentation intro by taking a long pause in the beginning. My mind went blank and I had to recollect my thoughts. I couldn't spell my words out. Then I got in the presentation and everything flowed through well. I did well in the question and answer period but I feel so embarrassed and mortified. There was a guy who went after I presented who talked about investing in cypto and this man started his presentation talking about how he loved making money and that he doesn't like losing in any aspect of life, whether it be in competition or in investments. He said something along the lines of how he doesn't like to lose and his motivations and stared me tf down. This guy has connections in big oil (I'm talking his dad and brother has high positions in Exxon Mobil), been trading stocks since he was 12 and has 3 million dollars in stock investments. I know I probably didn't do too well as far as my grade goes in this presentation. But I am proud of how I got out there and advocated for what I believed in. There are many times where I chose not to express my opinions and values in the business school because I knew it wasn't going to be well received. Sometimes, this was rooted in knowing that nothing productive will come from picking fights. But sometimes it's rooted in the fear of being labelled as "that" person. "That": person who is idealistic and naive. "That" person who creates awkward political conversations to make people uncomfortable. "That" person who is dogmatic and crazy. This was incredibly vulnerable for me and it was nerve wrecking to prepare for. I was walking into a room filled with people who would probably hate me if they got to know me better during a time where politically we are divided and are ready to throw hands at people who disagree. Before this presentation, I have been feeling anxious for the last few days. I threw up earlier this morning because my anxiety gives me stomach issues. I still feel a little jittery while writing this even though it's been an hour since I presented. I'm just glad that the presentation is over tbh. I don't even care about the grade any more and I'm just trying to take care of myself and acknowledged that even if I didn't do well, I did get outside of my comfort zone, was vulnerable, and spoke up about something that I really care about despite being in a social position to do otherwise.

Not sure what section this falls under so here goes nothing lol. First, a little background: I found myself relying on things like astrology and tarot to give myself a sense of certainty and predictability during the pandemic. While I don't believe in either completely, these do serve as a coping mechanism that helps me sleep at night. Also, there is this guy that I like. I have no intention on pursuing him for various reasons but I do think about him a lot and make up romantic scenarios in my head. I do this much more often than I care on admitting. I most definitely use the idea of him as a coping mechanism and whenever I feel down, I try to imagine him telling me exactly what I need to hear and cuddling next to him even though this is all technically me soothing myself and this is me incorporating positive self talk. I told my therapist about all of this and she more or less told me that none of these things are problematic and that I'm going about it in a healthy way. But I still feel like I'm using the idea of this guy, astrology, and tarot as these psychological safety blankets to get through my current life and I do not like that. I think my therapist is trying to point me towards the direction of accepting this somewhat embarrassing part of myself so that it's a non issue while I'm here feeling like she's encouraging behaviors that I'm trying to get rid of. Should I take my therapist's point of view and stop worrying about my weird coping mechanisms since they aren't harming me or other people? Or should I make an effort to get over my psychological safety blanket on my own?

I'm currently in the mood for something that starts off as really giggly, innocent and playful. I'm talking kisses on the cheek and forehead, cuddling, tickling each other, nuzzling, wrestling, holding each other, running finders through each others hair, kissing each others hands etc. And then when I'm bright red that's when things take a sexier turn.

Emotional To Do List: Deal with imposter syndrome and general limiting beliefs around self confidence Deal with dormant doomer spirals make time to work out (start when spring semester starts) Take care of yourself so you don't burn yourself out (burn out is the last thing I need right now) (This is an ongoing thing for now and the future)

Logistical To Do List Bolded Items are things to focus on right now for the next 2 months Figure out what you're going to do regarding study abroad, your foreign language requirement, and your graduation date and the implications around those decisions Meet with the study abroad office (1 appointment) Language Oral Proficiency Tests (1-2 appointments) Meet with career center to discuss resumes and study abroad (2-3 appointments) Get a hair cut and buy some clothes because your things are getting worn out and you look a mess lol. Line up a job or at the very least narrow down your career path for after graduation (again, doesn't have to be something you're super passionate about or that is aligned with your purpose but it needs to be something that has enough money to be financially stable, enough benefits so you feel like you have peace of mind, and relatively chill so you have a moment of stability) Get a job on campus or near school to get the money to pay for a deposit for a future apartment after graduating, potentially moving out of the country, or just for savings in general. (figure things out by seeing how spring semester goes as far as course load is considered) See if you can get a research fellowship by applying in the spring (work on maybe during winter break) Hopefully have some plans to travel on your own (whether that be study abroad or right after graduating) (keep in the back of your mind) Maintain the friendships you have and go out and make new ones if that's how things work out. Check in with yourself at the following times: Right before spring semester starts (so around Jan 15) March 15 2022 May 2022

After writing out the last couple of posts and gaging where I'm at so far, I just wanted to say that I had no idea that I was making this much progress since August. I especially had no idea I was making so much progress since when I first made this journal. Granted I guess you could say some of it is a cop out because they turned out to be nonissues but even then, I've done and grown a lot. I'm not trying to hype myself up but I do think that acknowledging what I have done and am doing is a very important part of me knowing where I'm at and therefore knowing what kind of action is appropriate for me so I don't end up hyper-focusing on something and creating problems. But yeah, I've come a long way. And I'm getting my shit together slowly but surely.

Yeah most definitely. Having a similar understanding of goals can prevent a lot of miscommunication and avoid being misdirected in a place that isn't productive for you to go on. Tbh I was a little annoyed too when she said that it didn't sound like I had a problem when I thought I was very clearly neurotic. I was sitting there for a couple minutes thinking "Is this lady enabling my neurosis? Is she even the right therapist I should go to with this particular issue?" I guess whether it is good or bad news, in the end of the day we always want people and our realities to reaffirm what we were already thinking. And this can manifest in both a good and a bad way. Good in the way that validating our thoughts and feelings can help us surrender to experience and process what we are going through while feeling supported. Bad in the way that this type of thinking can lead people into echo chamber or the trap of masochistic epistemology where they keep feeding themselves self deprecating information to reaffirm their beliefs as absolute truth. So basically, don't pick at it or actively work against it to resolve it because that might lead to more problems. It will go away naturally when you are no longer in the place to need the anchor. That's what I'm getting at by reading this comment and a few others on this thread.

The first part (1-3) are things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out. The second part (4-6) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. Finally, the third part (7-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it).