soos_mite_ah

Getting Back Into the Flow of Things I haven't been posting so much in this last week because school just hit me out of nowhere. I had 3 meetings with my professor, a paper due, an exam, and a bunch of other stuff that isn't pertained to work directly but still effects it. I was being pulled in all types of directions. As far as academics goes, I'm relieved and also really proud of myself for getting everything done while still managing to take care of myself and take care of my mental health. I mean, compared to last time I was at school, I think I'm doing much better this time around. And I also think having things to do helped me regain some agency and some sense of control in my life. I got this sense of *hey, I guess this is what it means to be normal and functioning.* Socially, I did manage to connect with people. I can't say that they were deep connections but I will say that after interacting with people, I felt more like an actual person. I feel like isolation left me feeling like a hermit in gremlin mode. I definitely feel like I'm slowly switching back and returning to my normal self. It's taking a minute. When you have lived a certain way for a few years, it takes a while to deal with it because of the built up inertia. I think also a part of me forgot that I do, in fact, have a personality and that I'm able to interact with people. I know that sounds a little dramatic but I guess I just haven't been embracing this part of myself in awhile and it needs some dusting off. And by it's taking time, I don't mean to say that I'm awkward and it's difficult for me to open up. If anything, for me personally, I'm surprised that's not happening. Rather, I mean that I'm just not that used to exerting this much energy into connecting with people because in the last few years I'm so used to directing that energy to connect back to myself. This change has been refreshing but it does take some getting used to since I am dealing with breaking down and readjusting old habits here. Getting through this week basically made me think *well I guess I can handle things.* This week has been messy and chaotic but I think a couple more weeks of me being consistent with my efforts should do the trick to where weeks like this are much more streamlined because I'm used to it again. I can't say that I'm where I was at at February 2020 but I can say that I'll probably get to that point by the end of this semester.

I second this Online dating can be pretty annoying and by design it's extremely superficial. It isn't meant to give you lasting results or any connection that is sustainable. It isn't women. Men have their own thing going on in the dating apps Our superficiality comes from a sense of selectivity on the apps while the superficiality of men often comes with terrible conversations and just wanting to get laid. This doesn't always reflect what real world dynamics are like because the environment irl is different. Like Emerald said, women are less likely to be superficial irl because you get more depth and more information on a person and what they are like. Also, with online dating, you're encountering total strangers with little background context or shared experiences/ settings. That can make conversations harder and make ghosting more likely since there isn't that accountability or means of connecting there.

Using Your Love Languages for Self Care So I had a really long week this week. I had a paper, 2 doctors appointments, a test, and 3 meetings with my professors. In addition to that, I actually made myself be somewhat social in order meet more people and I also on top of that went on 2 dates. I really don't want to do any work or talk to a single soul for the next few days until Monday rolls around and I would have to get back on my bs. Which is why I think it's very applicable for me to talk about I use my love languages for self care. I found a bunch of posts circulating around and I thought they were pretty interesting, especially on how my self care rituals match up. I took the whole love languages quiz a long time ago and my highest score was tied for physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation was second. Acts of service was third. And I barely scored anything for receiving gifts. As for how that coincides with the way I engage with self care, I do see parallels. For both physical touch and quality time, I find that the things listed on this graphic applies to me and are things that I naturally gravitate towards. Something that is making me happy from a self care perspective is this pillow I bought a couple weeks ago. It's this round soft, but also really squishy pillow that looks like a fox. Not only is it comfortable to sleep on but it's also so nice to hug and cuddle. I normally hate stuffed animals because they are annoying to sleep with and create too much clutter but this thing is much closer to a pillow which is why I really like it. It's more of an adorable pillow than a stuffed animal. I feel like I just upgraded the side pillow I normally sleep with. I also bought a shit ton of candles. I stg, candles have been one of the few things keeping me together for the last year or so. I think when it comes to having physical touch as our love language, it isn't just touch rather it's sensual experiences in general. With candles, I love the lighting, the warmth, and the smell that comes with it. Speaking of smells, I also like taking a shower and then massaging on some lotion that smells really nice. That always makes me feel at peace. When it comes to quality time, because it is one of the ways that I take care of myself, there are some things that other people find difficult but it comes really easily to me. I never really had to try to establish a meditation/ contemplation habit, it kind of just happened because that's how I relax anyway. It doesn't feel like a chore. I also really enjoy taking myself on dates, which is honestly a fancy way of saying doing shit by yourself. I like taking myself out to dinner by myself, going to new places on myself, going on walks alone at night (I know this one sounds kind of weird since I'm a girl but I guess I always rationalized it with the fact that if I were to die violently and/or get raped, it most likely going to be in the hands of someone I know rather than a stranger in a back alley way. Of course I still use common sense though), going to the movies by myself, and finally, my favorite, going to coffee shops and writing on my own. Whenever I tell people about the amount of shit I do by myself, they always tell me on how independent and self assured I am. I get why. I feel that especially for women, a lot of women don't know how to be by themselves in their own company because of the way that society tells us that we have to be in a relationship or have a group of friends. Basically, it's this notion that you're not enough or you're some type of loser when you're by yourself. Honestly, I did go through a little bit of that phase initially (but then again, a lot of it also had to do with other issues going on in my life) but then I noticed how freeing and peaceful doing things on your own is. At this point, since it's a self care thing, it doesn't (nor did it ever) feel like this girl boss power move. For me there is more of an emphasis on feeling peaceful and feeling connected to myself rather than how independent and self assured I am. Speaking of reconnecting to myself, journaling and self improvement feels like it goes along with quality time rather than words of affirmation for me. For me it's more about taking the time to hear myself out and sort out my thought rather than expressing myself if that makes sense. When it comes to words of affirmation, I find that it's more something that depends on the situation rather than something that I always catch myself gravitating towards. I suppose when physical touch and quality time have been maxed out but just isn't cutting it, that's when my desire for words of affirmation comes in. Also, when it comes to words of affirmation, I do crave some sense of reassurance at times but it's not something that I like doing myself through things like positive self talk and self affirmations. Of course I do it, but there is this wound that this picks at in the process and that is the whole "I wish there was someone else there to help me because I'm tired of doing things by myself." I don't even care for words of affirmation from a partner or friends all that much since it isn't my primary love language like touch and quality time but again, it kicks in when the previous two have been exhausted. For acts of service, other than therapy, which honestly feels more like quality time because you are venting to someone, the other stuff feel like chores. They are chores that I don't mind doing and I feel better with my life when I do them but they still feel like tasks nonetheless. However, sometimes I do get into the flow of things when it comes to things like cleaning, organizing and scheduling, and that's when it really starts to feel like self care. Finally, when it comes to receiving gifts, I've never felt like I was "treating myself" when I do spend money buying myself things. I mainly do things out of necessity. The only time that I do enjoy giving myself little gifts is when they coincide with something in the physical touch category in the sense they are something along the lines of candles, lotion, or soap. Really anything you would find at bath and body works is fair game. I guess the only exception is how sometimes I get myself flowers because I really like florals. As for dating, now that I think about it, I rarely fantasize about a guy spoiling me materialistically. I guess the closest I got is imagining a guy paying for my college tuition but that fantasy isn't really a romantic thing. It's just me wanting to get an education without worrying about debt thing. While I don't really resonate with receiving gifts as a love language, I do want to speak in defense of it. People often assume that this isn't really a love language rather it is people being shallow and materialistic at face value. I think rather than the gift itself, it's more about how intentional and how thought out the gift was. In other words, for someone whose love language is receiving gifts, instead of getting something rather generic and expensive like jewelry, something like a scrapbook that you took the time to make along with their favorite snacks would be much nicer.

Honestly WTF was that?!?!?!?! I went on two dates with two different guys this week and I don't know how to feel about either situation. I would say I hate it here but I'm more confused than anything. I need more data lol. I'm going to write about those experiences in the next couple days. I'm just posting this a preview and a sticky note for myself.

Oooofff I felt this. Just wanted to say that you aren't alone and that I've either had similar experiences in the past or I am working through similar issues right now.

Being Pushed in a Certain Direction So I began talking to one of my professors regarding what kinds of jobs should I look into and just in general wtf I should do with my life when I graduate and how tf I'm supposed to navigate all of that. Basically, he was like, *given what you told me about your interests, I think in the long run you would be good in a mentoring or counseling role when it comes to business and HR where you work one on one with people to develop their career and personal/professional development.* And even though that idea does sound nice, in the back of my mind, I sensed my lizard brain doing an eye roll where it's all like *this again.* A month ago I went to a astrology person to get my birth chart read so I can get an idea of wtf is happening in my life and where all of this was leading because I was having an existential crisis. When I asked about my career, this lady told me on how I'm apparently destined to be self employed and run some mentorship/ life coaching/ psychic healing by sharing the healing I did for myself to the world. Then you have a bunch of people on this website who also have their own coaching/spiritual thing going on and I'm also around a lot of people who want to get into the mental health field. Bruh.... even my therapist lowkey wonders if I'm studying psychology on the side because of the way I tend to analyze myself during sessions. One time she even joked about on how she doesn't feel like she has to do much and give a little guidance here and there because sessions with me is basically her watching me get my life together and come up with my own solutions and insights on the spot. I guess the reason why I'm resistant to this idea of me being some type of healer, counselor, or life coach is because it feels like the path of least resistance in a certain way. Like, it doesn't feel like something that I actively chose rather it was something that seemed like the natural progression of my skills, life experiences, and my social circle. I kind of also feel basic for thinking about going into this kind of field because according to my surroundings, it feels like everyone is doing that. Also, the idea of having to go get a PhD in psychology doesn't seem appealing to me, nor does the passion I have for becoming a therapist outweigh all things I would encounter in the process. Finally, I have entertained the thought of becoming a life coach or a therapist in the past but I had this intuition to just not do that because I got the feeling that this motivation for wanting to be a healer/counselor/ life coach might not be coming from the healthiest place. I've been considered the therapist friend for as long as I can remember and I know that was rather dysfunctional. While I'm not the therapist friend anymore and I have since worked on the issues that was causing this, there is a part of me that is nervous about this career path doubling down on my negative tendencies. All of this feel like I'm being pushed in a certain direction. I don't think that anyone who is suggesting this is doing so with bad intentions rather I do think they are pointing at similar things because they all notice certain qualities in me. I kind of feel like this meme. I also think that the dynamic of feeling like I'm being pushed in a certain direction is itself something that I'm resistant to. I also like this video. It honestly just feels like content section of the life purpose course in a nutshell. From 2-6 minutes, he basically talks about how people tend to be really monkey-see-monkey do and how they tend to go with the first options that are in front of them and how that can be incredibly limiting as to what your future job can be because you're so focused on the specifics of what traditionally consists of a career. I also felt really seen when he brought up on how because both of his parents are doctors and because 3 out of the 5 brown kids he grew up with also turned out to be doctors, that going into medicine felt very natural to him. While I'm not surrounded by doctors in my community, that was the path that my mom really pushed me towards because it was seen as this ideal in my community. And while I don't see that many aspiring doctors, pretty much all of the brown people I associate with are doing something that is science related. When I noticed the majority of my peers going into a certain category of jobs, I couldn't help but question the authenticity of those choices. Don't get me wrong, by knowing and talking to these people, I know there is that self motivation and that desire to go into these fields but it's just like, if there wasn't something in the larger picture driving this, then why are people disproportionately attracted to STEM? To what extent is this the product of conditioning and to what extent is this just the path of least resistance because it's one of the few options you were given? And even as someone who isn't majoring in STEM, as a business major, since my parent's and a lot of their friends don't know much about all the thing you can do with a business degree, everyone just assumes that I'm going to be working in banking, consulting, or accounting. I definitely feel this push towards that direction even on a university level since a lot of the people I have classes with want to go in that direction. But it just doesn't resonate with me and I don't even know where to start because I haven't been exposed to that many options. Like, I would say this pretty much sums things up: Some random aunty or uncle: Oh so you're in college? What are you studying? Engineering, medicine, or computer science? Me: Actually I'm double majoring in finance and international relations. Random aunty or uncle: So what do you want to do with that degree? Banking, consulting, or accounting? Me internally: *bruh... this is the same shit in a different font. What's with yall and having only 3 options* Me: I don't know yet. Random aunty or uncle: You should go to grad school as soon as you graduate while you still have that motivation. Me: I don't think that's a good idea since I don't know what kind of career I want. I really think I should work for a few years and get an idea before I commit a lot of time, energy, and most importantly money to grad school. Plus I need a way to pay for grad school so there's that. Random aunty or uncle: *goes on a lecture on how I'll never get a job with a bachelors degree and how I'm making shitty life decisions and how their kid is going to med school* Me: ??? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Person: You know, you're really empathetic, self aware and good at giving life advice. You should be a therapist. Or since you're getting business degree, go into HR. Me sorting through my own childhood trauma because I didn't have access to mental healthcare growing up: ??? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Person: You know, you're really good at creating arguments and advocating for social issues. I think you should go into law. OR Parents: You know, you should be a lawyer since you are so good at arguing (because you can't exactly call your 10 year old a smartass). Your grandpa was also a lawyer. Me hating the idea of law school because it feels like it would basically be learning about the terms and conditions for 3 years: ??? And on the video, around 8:30 to around 13:00, I also really like the idea of having a competing interest which is where you have a vision you're passionate about to where the sucky parts of the journey seem worth it. At 12:00 he talks about how a lot of people choose a career because it's logical and good on paper and thinking about all of the things you *should* do isn't enough to overcome the suffering you have to go through for the career. That's basically my whole thing. Whenever someone presents me with one of the handful of career options that I talked about above, there isn't anything that really motivates me to go out and get the qualifications and jump through all of the hoops because deep down inside... I really don't care. Like the whole thing feels really annoying and exhausting and I would rather just not. But of course, I never say any of that out loud because then I would labeled as lazy, unambitious, and idealistic. The video towards the end talks about how it's not that you don't have anything that you're passionate about rather it's probably buried because of your life circumstances and therefore it's important to work on yourself and take care of yourself. And that's basically the position that I feel like I'm in right now.

@Solvinden I've been in that girl's position before where I was dating a guy who basically had everything going for him but for some reason that chemistry and that spark wasn't really there on my end. There was nothing wrong with him or you. You and this girl are just incompatible. It happens and it isn't really anyone's fault. Sometimes yall just don't click and that's ok. It wouldn't be wise to force this situation either. It would just create resentment and pain for both parties. You're not weak or dusty. And you don't need to drastically change yourself. You don't need to go out of your way to create deep attraction. Rather you need to find someone who already has deep attraction for you. I get that not having someone reciprocate your feeling can hurt a lot. Especially when you see them as the ultimate partner. But the thing is, they aren't the ultimate partner and if you think about it, she's not your dream girl. Because your dream girl would like you back. That's basically one of the required components. Because she isn't attracted to you, she isn't your dream. If I were you, I'd let myself feel hurt and let myself be upset about this. Then I would try to go out and find someone else who I better click with. If you really want to be strong and self assured, it's important to see and accept the situation for what it is (something that is out of your control, isn't your fault, and doesn't reflect on you), accept yourself, and then keep moving forward. I know all of this is easier said than done but there is no rush. Take your time.

Primary: 1.6 Secondary: 1.4 Idk how accurate this is tbh. But I know from my own personal observations that my inner psychopath comes out more when dealing with people over technology.

Again, false equivalency. I think in these situations, it's important to take power dynamics into consideration. You're punching up when you use karen and because white women don't really face systemic issues because of their race, there isn't that much harm being done when you use the term unlike when you use something like "laqueesha."

I hope I get to cross something out in the next month or so because that is always satisfying to my ego lol Things that I can see myself crossing off: Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship Let's see if my predictions are correct or if I surpass my own expectations

Just wanted to take a moment to check where I'm at since I have posted this. I think I have spent more time adjusting to campus culture and dealing with school than working on each of these things. And while I can't say I can cross anything off of this list, I am making slow and consistent progress all things considered. I think given my situation, it would be wise if I paced myself. But to keep myself on track, I decided to post an update.

@Girzo I wasn't allergic to cats growing up. Then randomly when I was 15 I got near a cat and got really itchy and watery eyes and my nose stuffed up and got all runny and I started sneezing a lot. And it's been like that for years but for some reason like a few weeks after the vaccine and I encountered a cat again, nothing happened.

Side note/// Just Felt the Need to Say This If I ever say anything that is misguided, misinformed, or just plain offensive, please let me know. I'm trying to educate myself and become more aware on how I think about things and what implications they have. Like, even it it's just an undertone.

I really like these points. Yeah, I'm definitely not trying to say that spirituality is particularly toxic but it's important to be cognizant of the shadow aspects that cause people to get into spirituality in order to hold the spiritual community to a higher standard and so that spiritual teachings are being executed in a safe and healthy way. There was a part of my spirituality/ self help journey where I did notice this shadow aspect of myself that had this attitude of "I'm not good enough the way I am, I have to keep fixing myself to be a better person." I really had to address that and get out of the habit of "fixing things" and instead move into more acceptance and gentleness in regards to self love and improvement.

I got Pfizer 1st dose: a little pain in my arm for 48 hours. Wasn't even painful, just annoying. 2nd dose: again, a little pain in my arm but also a sore throat and feeling of exhaustion for 48 hours Also, I noticed that since taking the 2nd dose, I'm not allergic to cats anymore. Kinda weird I know but I'll take it lol

That's a false equivalency Dont try to equate the reactions of the people who are in the receiving end of mistreatment with the person doing the mistreatment itself.

Smh, not yall defending a karen She was the one who caused this in the first place and we dont know what happened prior to the recording. Sure the girl might have overreacted, but she literally got followed into a restroom. That's creepy af.

For me, the times when I feel like I'm genuinely being educated is when I learn a piece of information and suddenly life and the world around me just makes more sense. I think whatever kind of information causes this is different for anyone but it usually aligns with the way you naturally see the world. Personally, I'm really interested in things related to the social sciences because my mind naturally thinks along those lines and as a result, studying those subjects, subjects related to that, and subjects that are close to that really produce that feeling of being educated. My dad on the other hand doesn't get it and to him it seems like pointless theorizing. He's much more on the hands on practical and technical side of things so as a result, some of the things that make him feel educated are things that often pertain to business or how different machines, particularly cars work. Growing up, I never understood the car thing. But oh well, we both have our own lanes. I would say that being educated is like that aha moment that makes you feel like your consciousness IQ went up a couple points and it's because you learned something that pertained to the truth as it points to a tiny portion of infinity.

Somethings I Want for My First Time I'm probably going to get a little sappy and cliche with this post so bear with me. Since I went so long without having any experience physically (straight up haven't even kissed anyone yet), I do to a degree hold it onto a pedestal. Now, it's not a pedestal in the *sex is a divine thing that I'm dying to experience* kind of way but in the sense of I do have some sentimentality attached to it. It's kind of like *well, I have waited this long, might as well have my first be something really nice and worthwhile.* And even though I'm frequently thirsty physically and emotionally, there is also a part of me that's really glad I'm waiting in the sense of *I have a 21 year streak of never kissing any frogs.* This is the bare minimum but at the very least I want to share my firsts, whether that be my first kiss or my first time having sex, with someone I actually like. I've had opportunities to "get this over with" but it just never felt right and I was always kind of repulsed emotionally. Like I said in previous posts, I've never been on a date with a guy I was actually into. And it's not that I'm not capable of doing things with guys I'm not super into, it's just that I don't want my first time to be like that. I don't want mediocrity. Because from personal experience, a guy I'm not really into could literally grab my ass and I won't feel anything physically. But on the other hand, a guy I'm into can literally talk about something I'm not interested in in the slightest and I will just melt. It's kind of like that one quote that's along the lines of how "you'll never be too much for someone who can't get enough of you." I also want it to be with someone that I'm really comfortable with and someone who has earned a lot of my trust. Because this is something that is personal to me and first often times can be intimidating. Also, firsts can be awkward af so I need someone who will understand that and still be comfortable / can joke about this instead of doubling down on the awkwardness. Finally, the other reason why I need that trust and level of comfort is because I need to feel emotionally safe to where I know this person would still accept me if I'm bad in bed, which lets be real, there is a VERY high chance that I'm TERRIBLE in bed. And I'm not even saying this to be self deprecating. Let's be real, how good could I possibly be if I haven't done anything, like at all. That's like expecting someone who never practiced piano to be amazing at it. Am I going to be bad in bed forever? Probably not. But I need someone who is going to be patient with me lmao. Honestly, like the previous paragraph, this is the bare minimum. I would also like some degree of commitment and exclusivity because I don't think I could emotionally cope with it being otherwise when I'm just starting out. I think it would help me feel more emotionally safe and cared about. This might be treading on asking for too much but I want to be with a guy who sees value in my firsts. Not in a weird *I'm fetishizing your virginity because I have weird notions of sexual purity and a bunch of moralizations* way but more of a *hey it means a lot that this person feels safe enough with me to open up in this type of way and as a result this does feel special to me too.* And it's really fucking annoying that I want all of this but at the same time I'm longing for a relationship and I'm horny all the time. As much as I want to rush in and experience this, I know that if I do that, at the very least it wouldn't be something that is fulfilling and worst case scenario I would end up in situations I am not comfortable with or ready for. It's kind of like you're starving and you're waiting in a long ass line to a 5 star restaurant but you're also surrounded by fast food. You know that the meal at the restaurant is going to be amazing and even more so because you've been anticipating for this for so long but also, you're tired of waiting and you kind of want to settle for the fast food even though you know that it's going to mess how you physically feel because the quality of food isn't that good at the fast food places. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All that said, the only exception I would make to all of this is and that is if I ended up with the opportunity to lose my virginity in a threesome. I feel like that would just be a wild story and that I would basically get to experience a lot at once. Plus, it's not like this is an opportunity that would come by that often so I'd probably jump in the first chance I get unless I get some really obvious red flags or I'm repulsed by them. But again, this is probably a 1:10000 kind of chance but it's still an idea that is fun to entertain. Bottom line, I want my first time to be pleasurable whether that means that it's with someone I really care about and took time with building a connection or if it's a spontaneous hedonistic decision to jump into bed with more than one person. I don't think I'm asking for too much when I say that I want a pleasurable experience.

That's so dumb. Giving your unsolicited opinion on someone's body is already messed up but going out of your way and following someone is just a different level of weirdo behavior. Like do you not have anything better to do lol ??

Life is a pointless game that needs to be played with dead seriousness

Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? That's a question that I catch myself asking pretty often. The main reason I would say is because of how a lot of my constant emotional thirstiness started after I lost a large chunk of my friends and social circle so as a result I guess part of me felt this need to over compensate and dive into a romantic situation. Knowing this, I kind of promised myself that I'm going to rebuilt my overall social life before becoming involved with a guy. Another thing is how emotions and sex is so intertwined for me personally. Part of it has to do with being asexual in the past where I got into this thing of how sex is not something that I crave as an end in itself rather it's something that I wanted to use as a way to convey how I felt about someone. Also, I think the dynamics I often describe on here as a part of what I want is intertwined with this feeling of vulnerability and connection. I also find myself feeling less emotionally thirsty and touch starved after hanging out with other people or cuddling with someone even if everything was 100% platonic. But also, there is a part of me that just wants to go out there on impulse and get this whole thing over with. I still think about sex and intimacy waay too often. And it's to where I ask myself *well.... do I really need to know someone for a while because I'm kind of tired of waiting.* Like I don't know if this is impatience, desperation, or just my physical urges kicking in. It's definitely been like a 1000x worse since I got on birth control and started questioning my sexual orientation. Sometimes I don't know how to answer this question. The factors just seem rather muddy and all over the place. I just end up confusing myself lol.

Foreplay and Aftercare Something that I noticed about myself is that whenever I fantasize about sex, I put much more focus on foreplay and aftercare as opposed to penetration. I think a number of factors are involved. One, as a woman, I know that most women don't get off to penetration alone. Like... there is a reason why straight women often find themselves searching up lesbian porn. Two, as someone who used to identify as asexual, I tend to fall into the same thought pattern where the over all dynamic, setting, context, and build up is much more important. And three, penetration doesn't feel all that good for me. Don't get me wrong, it isn't unpleasant, but it isn't exactly something that I crave. I don't know if it's a context thing, if it's a physiological thing, or if it's my body just not being used to it. I did write about this in a previous post: There is also a quote I remember hearing a long ass time ago. I forgot where it's from but it was along the lines of "for men, sex is from the belt down while for women, sex is from the neck up." Idk why but I remember hearing that and being like *lol mood.* I guess it feels extra true to me because I'm mainly sensitive from the shoulders up. I don't think it's applicable for everyone since it is a wide sweeping generalization but I do think there is some merit to it. I feel like things like setting and context is much more important to women since it takes us a minute to get turned on. But then again, the brain is one of the most important sex organs for both men and women. And also, I guess for me, sex is just as much psychological as it is physical. Things I think about more often then penetration include but aren't limited to: cuddling either after sex or leading up to it sitting on his lap having a nice bath or shower massages being held/ hugged in different positions before, during, and after sex making out in general being pinned down the plot line/mood having different parts of my body kissed and returning the favor having someone run his fingers through my hair and vice versa talking before and after sex or really any situation that would make my face go red And I think especially with porn, all of those things are missing so as a result, I never got hooked on it and if anything I find porn boring af. I wrote about this in a previous post on how one of the problems with porn is not how it reveals too much rather it's how it doesn't reveal enough. Not only is porn a shitty and unrealistic depiction of sex, it's also a shitty depiction of a lot of people's fantasizes.

My Body Image Issues as of Right Now I feel like my body image has been taking a dip for the last couple of weeks. I have wrote about this and the broader implications of my environment in a previous post: I've been going through a culture shock of sorts again because I've come back to school after a year and half or so. I would say that the initial shock has died down and so have my body image issues to a certain extent. The thing that messes things up though is the whole stomach thing. This might sound rather narcissistic but I honestly feel like I would be a 10 if I just had a flat stomach. It's. Just. That. One. Goddamn. Thing. I've been able to deal with all of my other body insecurities over the years but I swear to god that this one thing with my stomach won't fucking budge whether it is from a psychological/ self love stand point or it's from a exercise/ let me try to change myself stand point. This one issue with my body has caused me so much trouble both in terms of what I eat and how I see myself to where there is a part of me that REALLY wants to just get surgery and forget about this whole thing all together. I know that isn't super women's empowerment of me since attraction and our choices don't exist in a vacuum, but I do think it's empowering for me on a personal level as it pertains to my own emotional health. I guess with the stomach thing, I can forget about it for the most part but it's still always in the back of my head. But lately it's constantly been at the forefront of my mind because of how there is a part of me that feels swarmed. And because it's like a 100 °F everyday here at this time. Everyone is basically in crop tops and the shortest skirts or shorts they own. It's either that or like workout clothes. So because everyone has flat stomachs and are wearing crop tops, there is a part of me that feels kind of left out and unattractive because of my stomach. Also, because of how hot it is, I'm also just wearing things that are more on the revealing side purely for comfort reasons. I'm kind of glad that everyone else is also doing it so as a result I don't feel super singled out and over all the whole thing feels normalized but also a part of me can't help but feel that what I'm wearing looks very vulgar and sexualized on me, but perfectly normal on a skinny white girl. Like, I just feel really exposed when I wear shit like this to class to where for the last couple days I've been wearing regular jeans despite sweating throughout the day. There is a part of me that knows that I'm being judged on a different set of standards and that what I wear and do gets interpreted differently. I also went to go pick up some mail earlier today and there were two women in front of me while I was waiting in line. Both of them were wearing these really short shorts and a top that basically looked like a bra. But because like the top and the bottom were matching, I guess it did look like an outfit. But also, I started thinking of what it would be like if I walked out wearing the same thing and how it would probably look more like a swimsuit on me rather than something I could wear to and from class. Like, my tits and my ass would just be out. But on them, it didn't look like that because of how skinny they were. If anything, they almost looked put together. I say almost because I stood there questioning for a few seconds thinking something along the lines of *is it just me or... wtf* Basically, it was very much so a *is this a fit or are they just skinny and tall* moment. But on the bright side, body image issues and sexualization aside, I think I'm doing pretty well when it comes to my relationship with food. I'm not binging or restricting. I'm honoring my natural hunger and fullness ques. I'm eating a decent amount of food. And, I'm proud of myself for that especially considering the environment I'm currently in, as well as my previous history with eating disorders, issues with family, and bad body image issues. I'm doing really well for myself all things considered and it's good that I'm in a position where I can be mindful of what I'm experiencing rather than giving into it.