soos_mite_ah

I'm starting to become more critical of my thought processes, ways I go about making decisions, the ethical implications of the things I just mentioned, and any biases I might have that might skew my perspective of a situation. I want to also get into epistemology more but I'm not really sure where to start. At the same time, though I'm naturally becoming interested in questioning myself, I'm also drawn towards being more confident in my perspective, my analysis, and my experiences. How do I go about doing all of this?

Lana Del Rey I have been meaning to write about this whole phase I'm going through for a while (as in before I even made this journal). In addition to how I have talked about her when I discussed romanticizing the past and the incidental times I have mentioned her on my journal (idk I feel like I talk about her a lot but after doing a quick search I didn't find much), these are a couple other times I have meant to talk about her work and how it affects me. So basically, to organize this post and keep myself sane, I'm going basically talk about the following topics: Why I'm drawn to her music: vintage vibes, personal issues, processing things/ having an outlet The lolita resurgence and why that is super concerning parasocial relationships and racism Why I'm drawn to her music: I have discussed in previous posts on how I tend to be attracted to the whole vintage vibe. And I think her music captures that energy really well while also mixing in more modern elements as well so it doesn't feel super archaic. Her work first came into my radar when I was around 13ish and I just thought her sound was interesting and beautiful. I didn't really fixate on her music until I was 19/20 or so and I think a lot of it has to do with what I was going through at the time. Long story short, I was coming out of a pretty depressing time. At that time I would still say it was a dark time, not in the sense that it was really depressing or neurotic, rather there were a lot of unknowns as to who I was growing into. And that's when I met this guy. Long story short, I became infatuated with this guy because he reminded me of the best version of myself and in a way gave me an idea of who I was growing into. I would say that he was about a decade older than me and the whole thing would have been a shit show if either of us acted on anything (I highly doubt he had any feelings on his part but it would be super weird if he did). So I was left with all of these emotions without really an outlet to express them. And that's where LDR's music comes in. I think the subject matter but most importantly the emotions in her music resonated with me to a certain extent. I can't say that I relate to much of her actual life experiences or what she describes in her music but emotionally I can empathize with it. Her music helped me just sit with my emotions and process them without having me actually go out and do something stupid like act on my feelings and have life be a cruel teacher. It was like a simulation of sorts. It's like I could emotionally go through the event of falling for a guy who isn't good for me, particularly an older guy who has more power in the dynamic, without actually experiencing the event and going through the trauma. When it comes to older guys (I'm talking roughly 8-13 years older not old enough to be my dad lol) I think there is a variety of factors involved. My parent's have an 8 year age difference My dad had me when he was in his 40s Growing up (and still even now) I mainly get hit on by guys who are in this age range I had to deal with a lot of difficult and traumatic shit growing up and that fucked with my sense of mental age and the vibes I put out. I'd say #1 and #2 basically socialized what was considered normal for me growing up. I think it made my mental idea of what is considered old a little wonky in my head. A lot of my friends had really young parents growing up (as in their parents were teen parents and once my friends were graduating high school their parents were still in their 30s). They have wonky perceptions of time in the sense that the idea of getting married and having kids later than 25 seem really weird because the idea of being in your late 40s early/50s when your kid goes off to college doesn't make sense to them all that much since they are used to having younger parents. And I think that because of what was modeled to me growing up, I have a more generous perception of what I consider old because their age difference and my dad's age was normalized and is basically my reference point. When it comes to #3, I think a lot of it comes down to my looks. I looked like a grown ass woman from a young age and I would get confused for being older if people were to go by appearances alone. And while I don't have too many terrible experiences other than this was startling to deal with when I was 14 getting hit on my guys twice my age (and thankfully whenever I encounter these situations these men back off when they find out how old I actually am), it's like these experiences conditioned me to associate the good feelings of being flirted with with older guys. And as a result a conditioned version of attraction started to form. And finally we have #4. #4 is a little tricky because on one hand sometimes I feel like I'm out of place and that there is a power dynamic that gets formed when I associate with people my age because mentally I had to grow up faster and learn a bunch of lessons later, therefore I'm in a different place in my life. The whole power dynamic thing was something that was very present pre pandemic. But at the same time, there is this part of me that feels very young and vulnerable and to a certain extent stunted because I didn't go through the typical experiences that a person my age would go through and mature from. So then you find yourself in this situation where you feel too old to associate with men your age but also you want someone more experienced who will guide you through your vulnerability because you don't really know what you're doing. Also, the whole rhetoric of "girls maturing faster" doesn't help either and is often used to justify all types of predatory behavior. Weirdly enough, I feel like the pandemic traumatized me just enough to regress me back into being able to relate to people my own age again since we all went through this collective trauma and we all had to move back with our parents (and that helped me shake off this attraction that I had towards older guys so that's good). I don't think I'm really in a place where I still find myself attracted to that kind of age dynamic. I feel like I have processed through my hang ups enough and had time isolated from everyone to really dig through and sort this shit out. I don't really think there was ever a chance of me acting on my impulses in this regard mainly because I was very cognitively aware of the situation and the life long consequences that can come from it even if my emotions said otherwise. I have been on a couple dates with guys who were like 3 years older and even though that wasn't that much, I think it's important to consider that I was 18/19 at the time and that shit felt really off in terms of relatability and chemistry to where I simply didn't want to go further. My heart back then was basically like *well, maybe...?* but my head back then and even now is like *HELL TF NO!!!* I would say that LDR's music helped me process through a lot of these and explore any fantasy that I had in a safe way without having those fantasizes turn into this unhealthy romanticization of a toxic dynamic. Her music gets accused of glorifying abusive dynamics and while that can be said of her very early works (as in her Lizzy Grant trailer park days lol), I would say a lot of her music is lamenting over these situations rather than reminscing happily. I'm pretty sure that most of the fandom gets that but of course, like with every fandom, there's the group of crazy 12 year old fans that take their obsession to a whole new level. And a lot of these younger views who simply don't get the emotions behind the music I feel tend to romanticize the pain as something edgy and cool because they aren't aware of how much those situations actually suck due to a lack of life experiences. I have also talked about the whole infantilization of women and how a lot of beauty standards are pedophilic earlier in this journal. This video on the romanticization of Lolita and pedophilia and how it plays out in social media explains things pretty well: And finally, relationship dynamics aside, along with the whole vintage thing, I think wealth and race also is a part of it. Like I said earlier in this post: This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. That said, I also find people who get parasocially attached to celebrities to the point where they can't critique or make fun of what they like really weird. I have touched on how some LDR fans have crazy obsessions and how a lot of it has broader implications than them driving themselves crazy. I can still laugh about her content and not take it super personally and also I can say that even though I really like her music, I do have mixed opinions on her whole brand and public image. Like in the past couple of years, this woman has been acting tf up and sometimes I wish that she would just act right so I can stan publicly lol. But I can't say that I'm surprised by her tone deafness given her background.

Pole for the Soul I wanted to write about pole dancing for a hot minute and when I went to search it up on YouTube, one of the first things to come up on the search engine was "pole dancing for Jesus" and naturally I had to stop what I was going and check it out lmao. This is what I found. I also decided to steal the name as the title to my post because I liked the ring of it. My favorites are The Resurrection (1:25) and The Last Supper (1:37) Jokes aside but I've been drawn to pole dancing. Unfortunately I don't have the upper body strength to do much. But I'm genuinely interested in the idea of taking classes because it looks fun and I would get a work out. To me all of these look so strong, graceful, and sensual at the same time. I find myself gasping with shock whenever I watch the stunts that are in the videos I linked below. I'm just really amazed with the ways they pull this off physically because I could never lol. Honestly, it doesn't even seem inherently sexual to me (i guess it also depends on the context and the type of routine) rather it feels like a gymnastics routine. And I feel like this is where my inner child comes out because growing up I always wanted to do gymnastics but my parents never let me for some reason. I feel like realistically if I were to ever learn or do pole dancing, that would be something that's for the girls, the gays and the theys only. I feel like they would be less likely to be weird and gross about it compared to straight men (yes that includes my hypothetical boyfriend, unless he is bi, he aint seeing shit). I think another thing that differentiates seeing something in a sexual light vs sexualizing a thing is context. When you see something in a sexual light but you aren't sexualizing something, context matters because you see the thing as sexual in certain situations. A good example I'd say is the way that women often think that a guys hands or forearms are sexy. We're not constantly turned on at the sight of hands rather it's more about what those hands would do in certain situations. We're not out here telling men to wear gloves because their hands are scandalous or inherently sexual. This contrasts with I would say the way that men sexualize our legs where regardless of situation, we are urged to cover up because we're enticing people and basically being scandalous. And that is one of the differences between the male and the female gaze when it comes to attraction. And pole dancing isn't much different. It can be seen as a sexual or sensual light but it could also be seen in a very neutral light as well. And I feel that a lot of women and LGBTQ people are more likely to get the whole context aspect of things and not sexualize pole dancing. And that includes lesbians and bisexual men who are also attracted to women. So attraction or lack there of isn't what's driving the neutrality (I'm also planning on doing a post of homophobia, consent, and the links to sexism soon). But yeah, if I were to dance on a pole, I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that in the eyes of straight men. Honestly, women who have to deal with straight men when it comes to these types of things and even sex work have my respect because I know I wouldn't last. I'd probably walk out with a felony or a mental break down or both if a man grabbed me without my consent. Speaking of which, there is a trend of how a lot of people are destigmatizing sex work but they still don't respect sex workers. A lot of people want to act like a stripper and adopt a certain aesthetic without actually being one or respecting women who do it for work. There is a really good video that explains this much better than I ever could that I really recommend checking out because of how good the research and analysis went into this video.

Temperature Check Part 2: Ego Development Check Again, commentary made on 9/26/2021 is in blue. Closing thoughts: I have done a good job at dealing with a lot of the remaining hang ups of the pluralist stage. Still need to look into epistemology more and tbh I am finding myself naturally going in that direction especially with a lot of my course work this semester. I also still need to figure out my career path and my life purpose which is well on the way. I think over all, being in the strategist/ construct aware stage is a good place to be given where I'm at in my life and given that I'm not planning on delving into psychedelics or deep existential questions soon sorting out a stable foundation for my life. I just have to do clean up work and check in with myself to deal with any hang ups that might arise every now and then from the lower stages. Going forward I need to: Sort out my career Deal with my unhealthy stage green coping mechanisms/ deal with my depression and existential crisis around these dystopian times Look into epistemology more Do the psychological clean up whenever my lizard brain acts up

Temperature Check Part 1: Spiral Check So my birthday is in less than a month and I've been thinking on how it's probably a good idea to take stock of the things I have learned and the ways I have grown as a person to give credit where credit is due. I know that can sound rather egotistical like I'm just writing to toot my own horn but I have noticed with me personally that I do need a moment to acknowledge my progress in order to have an accurate view of myself and take action accordingly so I don't over correct and get myself into an unhealthy loop of sorts. For my temperature check, I'm going to look at my old posts that I have made on my short comings in spiral dynamics as well as a reflection on where I'm at in the 9 stages of ego development. I am going to start with spiral dynamics and the hang ups I have in green and yellow. This is the original post I will be referencing: In this post, I bolded the items I find myself having difficulty with. Those are the items I'm going to be talking about and the ones I have crossed off are the ones that I feel that I have effectively dealt with. The text in ___ is what I have to say as I am making this post on 9/26/2021. Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02) I think this is something I am dealing with right now. I think it becomes much more of a problem when it comes to shifting to yellow which I will talk about in the next section with yellow. I'm doing a good job at catching myself when I find myself not embodying something but I honestly think I need to go full on turquoise to get to the point where I can cross this off. Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind. As a result they can fall into the trap of confusing the map for the territory (1:38:27) I think I need to maybe experiment with psychedelics once I take care of my other issues. Also I have been trying to be more mindful of different areas of my life where I confuse the map for the territory. Recently I wrote out all of the classes I need to take and I looked at it and I was like "wow this won't be too hard, I just need to do x,y,and z" but I know that in the moment when I'm actually going to be in those classes, I'm likely going to be stressed out. I think this can be dealt with the whole concept of how awareness alone is curative. I haven't worked this out yet but I am much better at not confusing the map for the territory which is why I'm crossing out a portion of this. Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56) Yeah that's right, I'm not ready to transcend the mind just yet. I acknowledge this but I also know that I need to pass through yellow until this becomes a limitation. In order to transcend yellow, I need to embody it first. While this is something that I have short comings in, I do realize that now is probably not the best time to deal with it. That's why I have italicized it instead of bolding it. Still not ready to transcend the mind. Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53). Can develop an intellectual hubris of arrogance (1:39:58) I addressed some of this in my post "Conscious Unconsciousness" where I discuss my reasoning for integrating my inner basic bitch. I also think this form of the "i'M NOt LiKE oTheR giRls" attitude as it relates of consciousness can be detrimental because there is arrogance and ego involved. However, I'm still in the process of integrating all of this. I decided to copy and paste that specific portion of that post because I don't want to water it down: I haven't worked this out yet but I have done a good job on setting boundaries with myself regarding thinking, analyzing, spiraling, and ruminating so I don't find myself going insane. I am dealing with this but I can't say it's to the point where I can cross it out. I have, however, worked through a lot of things regarding my spiritual ego. Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. I haven't worked this out yet but I have gotten out of the depressing/ self loathing slump for the most part (still dealing with some stuff but it's whatever). I think I've come a long way since I started writing this but not so far to where I feel like I can cross it out. Yellow tends to be a cold individualist and a loner which becomes a problem when it comes to actualizing something because they need a team to implement a vision. They become isolated and feel lonely and disconnected (1:41:10). Yellow has a difficulty in building a community/ becoming emotionally distant and forget to connect with people because they are too focused on models (1:41:29) I have become rather disconnected with other people during my college career where I have essentially immersed myself in models. I am meaning to address that when the pandemic is up and I have more opportunities to socialize. I think this sense of disconnection and loneliness is also causing me to question whether or not self actualization is even worth it since I don't have the best foundation in relationships and external signifiers of success. I think this thread explains that pretty well: Yeah I'm pretty good at making communities and connecting with people. I just didn't have many opportunities to do so at the time I was writing this. All this understanding will not lead to happiness because happiness isn't found in the mind (1:42:19) I feel called out and I'm not sure how to handle this at this moment. But I am recognizing the problem more and more because of the way I'm frequently immersed in learning I'm not at the point of embodiment but I'm pretty sure I emotionally grasp this pretty well. Which is why I'm going to cross this out for now. Lack of embodiment of the things they learn. This can be a problem in actualize the vision because you lack the selflessness/ discipline/ socialization skills to implement your solutions. This freaks out yellow because it means that they can't rely on their concepts to do everything for them (1:42:56). I think a lot of the problems I'm having with depression is coming from a lack of embodiment of the teaching I have absorbed previously. The only way out of this is through truly embodying what I have learned. Also the whole concept of yellow freaking out because they can't rely on concepts I feel draws a parallel on how I can't rely on being smart alone to evade life issues. That parallel makes me feel called out. I have since embodied a lot of the things that I preach. Do I still think there is room for improvement? Absolutely. But have I realized that my concepts can't do everything for me and have I worked on my self discipling and socialization skills? Yes I have. Which is why I'm crossing this out. So basically, to continue moving up the spiral I need to do the following: Exhaust the remainder of your unhealthy stage green tendencies Stop hyper analyzing things so you aren't bogged down with complex analysis Create innovative solutions that are also pragmatic I think I need more education, life experience, and a clearer idea of my life purpose to do this tbh. Get out of duality and embody things more Transcend the mind The last two I think I'm going to focus on much later when dealing with more existential questions

Romanticizing the Past I touched on the whole old Hollywood thing on my post on smoking but I wanted to go into it more because I find myself being drawn to vintage things and I think a lot of vintage aesthetics are sexy. I think a lot of this probably has to do with how easy it is to romanticize the past. Especially now with how dystopian and unpredictable everything is, it's easy to be drawn to aesthetics that resemble the past as a way to look back at the good ol' days not because they were actually good but because we already know how the timeline played out. I also find it really interesting on how if you look at media from like the 50s to the 90s, you have this whole trope of what the future would look like. It was filled with visions of flying cars, robots, space travel for the common man, and a leisurely life style. In the 1950s specifically, a lot of diners would try to adopt this futuristic aesthetic by making their diners into weird shapes and by incorporating metallic accents into their design to make the diners look like space ships. Overall, there was an optimism towards the future. I remember watching this one video that was made in the 60s on what people back then thought the 90s would look like. Other than the prediction being WAAY off, there was one line that stuck out to me. It went something like "the people in the future are focused on what else the future has to offer. They are obsessed with what is to come." Fast forward to 2020 and it's pretty much the opposite. We're obsessed with the past. Most of the movies we have nowadays are remakes because the industry doesn't want to get creative and instead wants to play it safe by appealing to nostalgia. A lot of mainstream aesthetics and subcultures are geared towards the past. A lot of the depictions of the future seem pretty grim because of the pandemic and because of climate change and as a result, many of the portrayals of the future are dystopian (hell this was even the case pre-pandemic Hunger Games anyone?). I think the rise of thrifting has a role in this as well. People are broke, they want to buy second hand to avoid contributing to fast fashion if they can, and the aesthetics of the past are everywhere because a lot of us hate this current timeline. I could name all of the decades as aesthetics of their own that a lot of young people are drawn to but I think we can also include aesthetics like cottagecore and dark academia to the group as well. I also noticed that a lot of gay people tend to be drawn to these aesthetics as well. I remember I watched a video analyzing the cottagecore trend and why it's so popular with lesbians despite the fact that if people found out you were gay in the ye old days in the country that you'd be persecuted. A lot of it has to do with reimagining history in an alternate timeline of sorts where you get to enjoy that time period without thinking of the baggage that came with it. As for POC, I don't necessarily see a lot of them gravitating towards adopting vintage aesthetics but I don't see a lack of them either. I personally find myself gravitating towards the 50s more. I think it has to do with a variety of factors. First of all, I feel like as far as body ideals and the fashion at the time, the silhouettes just work better for me. It helped me figure out exactly what kind of clothes look good on me and that definitely helped me in seeing myself as more attractive. I think it's also the hair and how my natural hair is wavy/curly but it isn't super coarse and defined. It matches up the longer hair styles that were popular at the time. As for actors and actresses, honestly all of the actors kind of blend together in my head. They all feel like the same basic white man. Probably wouldn't be able to pick them out in a line up. I might be able to recognize Desi Arnaz from I Love Lucy but that's because the mans is Cuban and has at least a drop of melanin to set him apart from the rest. My mind immediately goes to the women at the time. I feel like they ended up becoming more iconic in the end. I'm talking Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, Rita Hayworth. Honestly, I'd simp for all of them. I don't think it has to do with defined gender roles and the emphasis on the masculine/feminine polarity though. Because honestly, I find women in masculine clothing in the 50s and before to be hot. But what I do think is the case is the economic stability at the time. Idk man, being able to support a family of four, buy a house, afford college, and decent health care under one income is sexy. Also, the fact that you could support yourself on minimum wage, and reasonably move out at 18 yeah that's kind of hot. Granted racism and sexism would have stopped me and I wouldn't really get the idyllic version of the 50s. But I do think we should bring the 50s back as in lets have affordable housing, health care, education and have a minimum wage people could live off of. The rest of the 50s can choke. Also, let's bring back the fun aesthetics. This reminds me of something that I wrote about coincidentally this time last year. I think the way that I'm drawn to vintage aesthetics and the way that I think its sexy also translates to how I'm drawn to Lana Del Rey's music. Not only does her music feel really nostalgic, but there is something thats there in her voice that is so fucking sexy and I can't really put my finger on it. Actually, scratch that, it's not just her voice but it's also the music because I will straight up listen to instrumental versions of her songs. Finally, I think it also has to do with how far off the 50s -70s seem. I don't really romanticize the 80s or 90s. I definitely don't romanticize the early 2000s despite it being a trend to do so (I've said it many times, the early 2000s is basically a meme in my head because I was around in that time and I'm very much aware on what kind of a train wreck that was). That time seems dark and dystopian (speaking as a person of color who sometimes gets creeped out by some of the media from back then) but also very idyllic at the same time. It's close enough to where it still feels relatable unlike the 40s and beyond (I mean, my dad was born in the 50s) but it's also far away enough to where it's not a meme. It's rustic because of how much time has passed but also ethereal because of how other worldly the time period feels. It feels very classic and in a way safe and predictable. I wouldn't dare to go on and say that i WaS BOrn iN thE wrONg GEnerAtiON. I was born in the right generation. I can go on the internet, explore all of the decades with ease, and enjoy the aesthetics with slightly more human rights. I'll take that over being born in the previous decades any day. My ass would have been locked up in a mental institution and I would have probably been coerced into getting a lobotomy if I was around in the 50s.

And after the two dates with guy #2, I finally have my answer. I'm not horny, I'm just deprived of human connection. Because when this guy kissed me, I didn't feel anything physically. The whole thing was unsatisfying and it wasn't because he was a bad kisser. It felt really hollow. The only thing I could think of while walking back home was BLEGH. My imagination and the plot lines I create before going to sleep does a better job at getting me off lol. I feel that if I were to sleep with someone before I was ready and before I feel connected to this person, the best case scenario would be unsatisfying and mediocre sex. As horny as I am, this situation just reinforced my desire to wait.

Guy #2 Date 2: Before I went on a second date with this guy, we did text a few times. It was just the usual *hey how has your day been.* I have mentioned a few times that my day has been rather busy and that I'm catching up with work to which he replied *aww let me focus/do your work/ do your paper for you. You can pay me back later with love and affection.* The first time he said that, I thought he was joking. The second time, I was like *huh I've seen this before.* The third time was when it felt weird. First of all, it's kind of odd to say the same shit over and over again. Second, I feel like this is something that you don't say to someone unless you get to know them better because it can come off as looking entitled, creepy, and just plain thirsty. Speaking of which, when I mentioned that I wasn't doing anything during the weekend as a way to recharge from the craziness of the prior week, he tried to invite me back to his place for a movie. I politely declined and told him that I simply don't have the energy and that I'm glad I spent my last bit with him in our previous date because it was energy well spent. But all I could think of is *goddammit... he's one of those.* My next thought was about a twitter thread I saw a couple months ago. It was a bunch of women making fun of how men don't pay attention to their safety like women do to the point where it's goes into the domain of stupidity. Like women are told not to wear pony tails, braids, or buns because it could get you snatched easily. You're told to carry pepper spray, tasers, and other weapons. You're told not to go out at night or only go out with other people. And there is so much more that we get told in order to protect our own safety. Meanwhile, you have men who apparently sleep without locking their doors at night. LIKE SIR WHAT? There was a joke in this thread on how guys would be so quick to have a total stranger come into their house. Like... do they not think that I might not rob them, stalk them, or kill them? Does that thought just not come in their mind? Gender aside, I'm a total stranger. For all he knows I could be a crazy bitch with a criminal record. A day before our second date, I felt this need to talk to him about our first kiss and just let him know that I wasn't really comfortable with what happened. I explained that I wasn't mad at him and that this is something to be more mindful of going forward. He then replied with *oh I thought you were giving an indication of wanting more.* I sat there thinking *no, I distinctly remember pulling away twice.* I just replied with something along the lines of *hey mistakes and miscommunication happens, lets just be more upfront going foward.* He said ok and apologized. I figured in the previous statement where he said he thought I wanted more that he was saying that to cover his ass because this can be awkward conversation and he didn't want to feel like he was in the wrong. I get it. And again, I wasn't upset with him. I figured it was a miscommunication thing. The second date rolled around. 90% of our conversation was just sarcasm. Like don't get me wrong, I don't mind sarcasm and I think sprinkling it in can make things fun but when the whole conversation is sarcasm, it can feel like a barrier to emotionally connecting with someone. The whole dynamic between me and him just felt really awkward. There is something that just wasn't clicking. Next thing I know, I'm in a position where I ended up listening to this guy talk about himself for 30 minutes straight. I can't even tell you what that monologue was about and looking back I find myself thinking *how can one person talk so much about himself and not say anything at all.* The whole thing felt bizarre. He also offered to have me come back to his place for the 3rd time and I told him straight up "look, I appreciate the offer but I'm not comfortable with going back because this is only the second time we met and we're still strangers." He was pretty understanding but tbh, from even before the first date to before the second date, this guy just exuded horniness. The whole thing with him felt as if he was really trying to rush into physical intimacy without taking the time of trying to get to know me or build up anything whether it be trust, a sexy dynamic, or a sense of comfort. When he went to the bathroom, I quickly texted my roommate to call me and say she's having an emergency so that I could have an excuse to flee the scene and gtfo. I wasn't having fun and the whole thing felt cringe. But on the bright side, at least I wasn't confused about my feelings toward him anymore. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. It's Saturday now. And honestly, thank god. But I still do think I need to be upfront and tell him that this isn't working since ghosting him would be really rude.

Or maybe her holding off on having sex has nothing to do with the guy rather it's about her and her comfort level/ emotional health. This simply isn't true. I've seen people commit before sex multiple times. Both parties simply have to be on the same page a far as waiting and priorities go.

Hey! It's been a minute since I've posted here. It's also been a minute since I've been on these dates so I think I have enough clarity to talk about it and have my writing be coherent. Guy #1 Date 1: Went on this date on 9/7. I saw his profile on tinder and it was someone I had a couple classes with him before. We also go to the same college. When I met up for him during lunch, I will say that it felt considerable less awkward compared to if I were to date a total stranger. We had a couple of shared experience and there was already a background context to the interaction. I know with dates with complete strangers, it can be awkward since it's like you're meeting them from the void for a lack of better way of putting it. I wrote more about this in a post in another journal a while ago: Since I already know this guy, I also know that we have similar values and standings when it comes to political/social issues. So that helped me let loose a little bit since I know he isn't a walking racist, sexist, homophobic red flag. Prior to the date I let him know that I was looking for something short term but committed and that I'm trying to socially branch out more. He was pretty understanding and mentioned that one of the main reasons he swiped right on me was because he saw a familiar face and wanted to reconnect. And as a result, he basically was like that whether this turns into something romantic or it remains platonic, that he's ok either way and that there is no pressure to force anything. He was kind of squirrely, nervous, and self deprecating during the date. He also did overshare about some things going on in his life. The self deprecation was basically him awkwardly laughing at his short comings. Now, I do think that laughing at your short comings can be a good way of humbly dealing with them. But there is just a different vibe when you laugh about a flaw that you totally accept in yourself vs awkwardly laughing so that you don't look self pitying. I offered an empathetic ear but although I feel like I connected to him intellectually, I didn't feel like I connected to him emotionally. Also, the dynamic wasn't working for me, nor was it something I am looking for. I think it would also feel rather forced if I were to make this into something romantic. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him again. We've both been pretty busy with midterms for the last couple weeks (hence why I haven't been writing as much as I normally do). Guy #2 Date 1: Ok so this guy was WEIRD. And honestly, I don't think I was much better lol. First of all, we agreed to meet at this coffeeshop. My dumb ass gave him the wrong address so the poor guy ended up running around. So right off the bat I was just really nervous because I felt rather disrespectful of his time. I felt terrible and I just paid for dinner to make it up to him. After all, I was the one who initiated the plans in the first place so I just figured that was more fair. He wasn't awkward in the traditional super quiet, not being able to hold conversations, stuttering kind of way. If anything, I would say he was the opposite which I guess let to me feel confused after the date. He had this weird way of holding a conversation. This guy was basically like "ok so I'll ask a few questions and then you'll do the same." I was sitting there like *um.. ok haha.* He would ask me a few questions and the conversation would be going and then he would be like "now it's your turn to aske me 4 questions." He did that a couple of times and in those times my head would just go blank. The whole thing felt rather rigid and didn't have a natural flow. And even when I asked questions, honestly I couldn't pay attention to what he was saying because in my mind I was like *shit I need to come up with 3 more questions, think soos_mite_ah, think!* Also, this guy kept telling me "hey you can ask me anything, nothing is off the table." I think this was his way of trying to make the conversation more sexual and I say this because a few minutes after telling me this, he asked me about my first kiss and then next thing I know this man started talking about what losing his virginity was like. The story was concerning. It didn't really sound super consensual in the sense that he kind of went along with having sex despite not feeling comfortable in order to not spare the woman's feelings. And he played this off like it was something funny... Like, no buddy.. that sounds rather traumatic. Like idk, if laughing things off is his way of coping but I guess the way he framed this story showed a lack of self awareness. I'm aware that it's a thing where guys are expected to want it all the time and that saying no is like a blow to their masculinity so I was sitting there wondering if that applied here. Anyway, the date ended and he kissed me. I mean, I was alright with it but then he just put his tongue in my mouth with no warning. The whole experience was just BLEGH. I wish he checked in and asked if I wanted to go further. It happened faster than I was able to say anything. I felt like this was something that was being done to me rather than something that I was actively participating in. I pulled away a couple times and he pulled me back in both times. Then I was like *hey I really got to go.* He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to which I said "no, I have an 8am class tomorrow morning." I was not about to go into a stranger's car and go to his place. I just met him and I don't know how I feel about this yet. This is my first time meeting him in person and prior to that we've been talking online for a couple days. I don't know this man. He is a total stranger. Then I walked back home and I started venting to my roommate about this situation. I also didn't want to get into his car because I wanted to walk home by myself to try to make sense of this situation. The date felt awkward but not in the traditional way of being awkward. At the time I couldn't figure out which one of us were the awkward one. But also I did enjoy myself to a certain extent. Then again, first dates can be a little awkward. Also the whole kiss was a little weird imo. It could also be me starting off on the wrong foot because of my poor planning. Anyway, I decided that I was going to go on a second date with this guy to try to get more information about this dynamic. More on that in the next post.

I would say that do what feels authentic and natural to you. And that sometimes means honoring your boundaries by waiting for commitment because that is the healthiest and most sustainable choice for you personally at the time. But that doesn't mean you need to have or align with super rigid rules that you don't resonate with. The most important thing is that you are self aware and you check in with yourself. A quality guy will respect your boundaries. If sex is really important to him or he wants something less serious, he will communicate that and walk away if there is an incompatibility in y'all wants and needs in the dynamic because he respects his and your needs. If he wants something more serious and is willing to wait as well for whatever reason, he will let you know. What a quality guy won't do is shame you for your decisions and pressure you to do something that feels unnatural or inauthentic. And there isn't one way to be a quality guy in this kind of scenario. You don't have to have sex before commitment and choosing that doesn't mean you have a lack of opportunities or that you're some type of "nice guy." This is a very personal decision regardless of gender. Finally, I agree with @Etherial Cat and I second everything she says. Also, thank you for calling out how this isn't about being stingy with sexual energy.

It sounds to me you are mainly experiencing aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction rather than sexual attraction. It happens. Doesn't mean you're gay, might mean you're asexual or you have a low sex drive in general

I really need to learn how to trust myself, my abilities, and my instincts more. As great it is to question everything and take your thought process into account, I think I'm going too far on the other end. I need to develop a solid sense of self trust and confidence because I can see myself ending up in some pretty terrible situations if I'm always doubting myself.

What is it? Why does it come about? How do you cope with it or avoid common traps? How do you prevent zen devilry as a result of the spiritual ego? How does toxic positivity can play into this and corrupt spirituality and why it can be harmful?

HealthyGamerGG I'm really enjoying HealthyGamerGG's content at the moment and I'm binging his videos. I have watched a number of other videos as well and I find myself relating tp or getting bits and pieces of insight. I am aware that this is going to sound cocky but it's kind of reassuring to see someone who is in a similar situation as you used to be get the same advice that you have come to terms with in your own journey whether the conclusions were things you have come to or you came to with a therapist. It's kind of like walking a path that you aren't really sure about your way around and then later on see someone take the same path and go through the same milestone markers that indicate that they are (and as a result you are) on the right path if that makes sense. Nevertheless, these are a couple that I find myself really resonating with. The first reminds me of something that I was unpacking this time last year and the second reminds me of something that I was unpacking in the last 6 months or so.

I'm making this journal to pour out the joy that I feel in my life and document how I'm working towards higher levels of joy. Let's see how this works out :).

I'm also going to a really orange and kind of blue university. I would say hang out with the LGBTQ people and get politically active with causes you care about. That's what I doing

Envy, COVID, and Rich Conservative White Kids I think that the culture shock I have been experiencing since coming back to school along with my general pandemic angst had calmed since I moved out of my parent's house. I have been meaning to do this post but I have been having issues with getting myself to write because the initial emotions that were driving me to write have mostly died down. Nevertheless, I think it's important to write about this because even though the emotional intensity isn't there anymore, I want to also make sure I don't have any baggage left over either. When it comes to dealing with the pandemic, because of the place I go to school, I'm surrounded by rich conservative white kids who don't really care about the pandemic (since they are the main ones not being affected by it) and basically treat it as a minor inconvenience. I guess this time would have been easier if I decided to go elsewhere for my education because I could easily distance myself from their experiences. I think the main thing at play here is how Contrapoints talks about the proximity effect as it relates to envy. Basically, we are more likely to envy people we are close to or people we have resemblance to because those people represent a version of us, a version of what could have been if the circumstances were right. With these rich conservative white kids, not only do I have more geographical proximity to them where I'm constantly being reminded on how they don't give af about the pandemic, but also there is this sense of proximity that comes from all of us going to the same school. In my little lizard brain, it doesn't matter that we are all on different playing fields and that it would be unfair for me to compare myself to them. Optically, we are in the same playing field. I'm at the point where I basically have to avoid social media. Every time I open it I just get reminded on how in these last couple years, everyone has still been living fairly normal lives and have been going about their lives with little to no disruption. They are reaching milestones, both personal and professional, as if the pandemic never happened. Meanwhile, the opposite has been happening to me where my world was turned upside down, I had a health crisis, I was pushed into a toxic household, and I have financial issues due to this whole thing. I didn't get the opportunity to get out and live a normal life. Normally, it would just end there but in this case I do see more resentment bubbling up with this attitude of "if I had to put my life on pause to deal with this stupid thing and I couldn't live a normal life, then no one should be able to live a normal life." And I think part of it is because if people just stayed their ass at home and got vaccinated like they were supposed to, then maybe we wouldn't have a continuation of this situation now would we. Not only do I envy their lack of awareness and their selfishness in this whole situation but also the privilege they have to be unaware and selfish. I can't even go out to a small gathering of people without feeling like a terrible person. Crowds and parties are out of question and are to an extent anxiety inducing. I guess technically I could have started going out since April or so but again, it's a whole moral and survival conflict. Also, I remember back in February and March of this year I would see people on social media posting about parties, going out, and travelling without masks. And it's like.... I know damn well that these hoes weren't vaccinated because my family and I tried to get the vaccine as early as possible and we didn't get it until April. But then again, the vaccine really doesn't matter to a lot of people there. I also have classes with some of them and I have had to listen to a few anti-vax rants. I also ran into a protest near my school of a bunch of anti-vax people a couple weeks ago with people holding up signs of how Fauci is a fraud, how vaccines don't work, and how this is all tyranny. So that was fun to deal with smh. I'm also still scared of catching something and then giving it to my parents. That's another thing, my parents are on the older end so I have to be extra cautious and responsible. Rich conservatives aside, I know a lot of people who are my age and who have really young parents (as in their parents had them in their teens and now their parents are still in their mid-late 30s) and they had the opportunity to be much more carefree about this whole thing because the stakes are much lower for them. When it comes to my parents however, if one of them catches COVID, they are basically done for. And it's just wild to me that a lot of these people can take road trips and go to social gatherings (not shaming them, I'm pretty sure they are following guidelines) because it's like I'm living in a different reality. I wish I had the privilege of being unaware. I guess part of me does see these rich conservative white kids as an alternate version of myself, an alternate version that doesn't have a care in the world and is still living their best life as if nothing happened. It makes me think of what my life would've looked like in the last year and a half had the pandemic never occurred. Sure I'm not thinking of yacht party, but I am thinking about finding a close group of friends, growing socially, studying abroad, and having my career figured out for the most part. I'm thinking about saving time from not dealing with the trauma that my home situation, my academic situation, and my health situation. There is a part of me that thinks of the person I saw myself about to become back in February 2020 and then that being cut short. There is a part of me that wishes I was selfish enough to make the choice to not live with my parents this time last year. I'm convinced that was one of the main components for me to basically lose my mind. My whole thought process for that decision was that I need to be responsible and safe and so I should stay at home instead of returning back to campus. Sure living with my parents is mentally draining, but it's better than putting other people at risk and dealing with the constant anxiety of being on campus without the vaccine. Plus, my parent's probably couldn't deal with the mental stress of me being on campus with all of this going on. I could also put them in danger. I prioritized all of this in exchange of my mental wellbeing. And I feel like I didn't get much in return by making the right decision. If anything, I got punished for it. While I have since worked through the shame and the resentment I had towards myself for making this decision due to the outcomes, I still have a degree of resentment towards people who deny this whole situation and act as if the pandemic is a hoax. In a way, it's almost as if their ignorance and denial of the situation is like a denial of my pain and my experiences.

@Vision Thank you so much for your input. Yeah I don't know much about New Zealand culturally other than what I see online lol so it's nice to get information from someone who was born and raised there. Tbh, I'm mainly into the idea of moving because of better labor laws and how it's considerably less chaotic politically compared to the U.S. And yes I have considered making a blog. I'm just trying to figure out my life, practice a little more, and get the funds to make a website in the mean time. . . . Also disclaimer for this journal: While this journal is closed to any new entries on my part, comments are still welcome and I don't mind responding to them.

Elements of Doomer Mentality I've been really enjoying a lot of HealthyGamer GG's content. As someone who gets into doomer spirals, even though I don't find myself completely consumed by doomer mentality, I did find this video to be rather insightful since I am trying to understand this part of myself more and how to effectively deal with it. I made a thread about my own doomer mentality not too long ago: I really like on how this video validates the emotions behind the doomer mentality, sees that it isn't just something that is born from a bunch of cognitive biases, and how these are rational responses to a lot of people's life experiences and the way that past generations have tried to guide current generations. This is a post I'm planning on making later but the spiritual community is sometimes prone to toxic positivity because everything is good, love, and light. Sure I suppose on some absolute level that's true but telling someone that they should just see these events as part of absolute good can be pretty gaslighting to the pain that the individual is experiencing. And that doesn't help someone move towards acceptance of the situation nor does it help them accept their own negative feelings which ultimately becomes another blockage and point of resistance to their psyche. One of the points that really sticks out to me is how a lot of the doomer mentality comes down to elements of uncertainty, isolation, and lack of agency. While I don't really relate to the situations that a lot of the people on this video were talking about, I think for my particular case and my experience of the pandemic, these elements really do show up. I don't know what I'm going to do after college. I don't know how long this is going to go on. I don't know how things are going to be like on the other side. I have had to deal with a lot of isolation during my self help journey. Much of that was intentional but during the pandemic, a lot of it was thrusted onto me. Which then leads to the whole lack of agency part especially when it comes to living with my parents for so long and dealing with other systemic issues that impacts my outcomes. I think a lot of it also comes from unfulfilled promises from previous generations and how late stage capitalism is playing out, how we don't know how tf we are going to get people to get on board to care about climate change, how we are more isolated from each other because we have to work most hours of our waking day only to be too tired to do anything else, and how systemically a lot of people are trapped in situations that they can't really leave because they have to pay the bills and survive.

I'm glad you think that lol You seem like a really sweet person so I dont mind at all

Things I Want to Work on Later I'm currently dealing with a lot of things emotionally when it comes to trauma and rebuilding my life in general. I not really in the place to deal with these things now (honestly if they sort themselves out in time that works too) but these aren't things I have forgotten about. Once things settle down and I'm in a more stable place, these are the things I want to work on more. These are also things that don't really make sense to focus on right at this time because they are so far out there. I see myself dealing with part 1 and 2 in the next year to year and a half. I see myself dealing with part 3 and 4 after I get out of school, becoming financially independent, and start doing my own thing. Part 1: Deal with Basic Stuff: These aren't super difficult things for me to deal with but they are only easy when I have dealt with everything else in my life and I'm working with a stable/quiet space. If I don't have that peaceful foundation, it's much harder for me to deal with and I might as well concentrate my efforts to building that foundation instead struggling with this. Have a stable sleep schedule My sleep schedule isn't awful but it could be better so I can be more efficient Build the habit of working out I keep putting this off but it's really important for me to be in a stable place emotionally so this doesn't get dysfunctional Organizing my time Like my sleep schedule, it isn't awful but it could be better so I can be more efficient Part 2: Deal with different coping mechanisms: These are helping me now but are not productive long term. They are basically safety blankets I'm going to have to wean myself off of. It helps me sleep at night for now which is why I'll allow myself to keep them around since I have bigger problems at the moment. Right now it's best to be gentle with myself and give myself some leeway instead of nitpicking at the ways I'm dealing with different situations in my life. Astrology, tarot, and manifestation to a certain extent These are a few things that gave me more of a sense of stability and predictability during the last couple years with how the world has been. I know that it isn't really rooted in much truth but it helps me sleep at night and maintain some type of faith and hope for the future. The one crush that isn't super healthy I have no intention on pursuing this person and I highly doubt I'll ever see him again but I kind of hold onto this guy because he reminds me a better version of my life and I like having someone I can use to come up with romantic situations in my head to cope with my life. This whole thing is basically a safety blanket. Lana Del Rey I got attached to her music to deal with that unhealthy crush. The music helped me have an outlet for my emotions so I didn't have that urge to act on my feelings and get myself in unhealthy situations but I could still process those emotions safely. I honestly see myself naturally growing out of this because it really does feel like a phase. Maintaining/ letting go of family relationships I'm not logistically and financially in the place to completely walk away or really do much. But if I'm going to be honest, the more I heal and get my life together, the more I want to minimize or eliminate the amount of time I spend with them because I resonate less and less with them and I realize how unhealthy they are for me. Study epistemology Been meaning to get into it but I need to have a solid foundation before deconstructing my own sense making process so this doesn't cause me to back slide in my development. Deal with moving into the next phase of adulthood once I graduate: Not graduating just yet so it doesn't make sense for me to get stressed out about things waaaay down the road when I don't even know what variables I'm working with to deal with it effectively. Moving because I want to live elsewhere I really want to get out of this bubble and go to a place that I resonate with more. It's a new start that is very overdue. Applying/Interviewing/Getting a job that is sustainable and I somewhat like It doesn't have to be a job I love nor does it have to be a whole career path. It just has to be something that is financially sustainable, something that works for my physical and mental health, and something that gives me insight on what I might want to do later on. Managing money I think I have a good handle of things now but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a new ball game when I have a job that actually supports me independent from my parents. Dealing with other logistical issues that could come with this such as dealing with insurance, bank accounts etc. Much of this is in the unknown but whatever this transition consists of really Figure out what to do with your life: Questions I find myself asking myself and things I have in the back of my head. Not concerned about this now. Need a foundation first before figuring out how to build the rest of everything that goes on top of it. What is a fulfilling career path and how do I get there I think at this point, thinking of a career is too limiting. Instead I need to find a job that's going to give me a stable life and then go from there after I get that foundation. I think I need that stability to really have a clear head to make that decision. I also need more life experience to get this answer. Do I want to have kids? I think about this sometimes and I have ideas but then my mind is like *you know what, this is a problem for 30 year old soos_mite_ah* Also, life experience is important because I don't know what my future or my priorities in the future is going to look like. Whether or not I want a house and generally where I want to live Idk, I'm kind of at peace with living in an apartment but I do get the financial reasons for getting a house. I also don't know if I want to live in the city or a suburb but I think my answer depends a lot on my stage of life. Money Retirement, grad school, savings, emergency funds, travel money etc. Enlightenment, existential questions, psychedelics etc. Not looking to dip my feet into this until MUCH later

I wrote this in my journal a week ago or so and I thought it would be important to have it has its own topic of discussion. I also recommend checking out the video about Envy by Contrapoints because it's a really good break down of that emotion and how it operates.

Yeah i would say it's accurate. It's something that I think applies to both genders and it's something that I'm trying to work on as well when it comes to acceptance. People connect to vulnerability, self-acceptance, and openness much more easily than to a perfect and competent image.

Understand and Improve the Human Condition Wrote about what that exactly means and how I came to that conclusion here: