soos_mite_ah

I was over all a good kid. Stayed out of trouble for the most part, got decent grades, minded my own business. That said, even though I was a "good kid" I was still really troubled. And most of the time the adults didn't notice because I wasn't overtly acting out. But looking back, I stg like 90% of my personality was rooted in dysfunction. Here are some of the things I dealt with from age 13-19 off the top of my head. The bolded items are things that I'm still deal with. emotionally abusive family (which was also physical when i was younger than 13) and a lack of decent guidance which led to the following: eating disorder and body image issues (was on a whole nother level of bad back then) dysfunctional relationship with food issues with trusting people platonically and romantically attachment issues in general issues with emotional vulnerability/ hyper rationality which translated into me being emotionally closed off anger issues (both in terms of bottling things up and being annoyed all the time) depression anxiety suicidal thoughts being angsty all the fucking time (this an the anger issues led to a cringy, chaos centric sense of humor) trouble focusing in school not knowing what healthy relationships looked like and therefore almost getting into toxic dynamics just plain insecurity around making friends and shyness (there was a period of time where I barely talked) being known as "the therapist friend" and attracting people who would trauma dump on me isolation from others feeling like I didn't have any decent role models (and as a result, mourning the relationship I'll never have with my parents) pressure to figure your entire life out lack of discipline lack of personal independence which made me kind of stunted at times procrastination (also related to anxiety) issues with setting boundaries and confronting people the pressure to mature faster than your peers and feeling disconnected to them when you can't relate to them assuming that everyone hates me academic pressures and trying to figure out my own path when the adults around me were pushing me in a certain direction being emotionally burnt out from everything above issues with being an asexual South Asian woman in Texas (i identified as asexual through my teen years) internalized misogyny acephobia homophobia (there were a bunch of people who thought I was gay and would talk shit about me behind my back) dealing with systemic inequality with the education system when I was trying to get into college and while I was in college internalized racism (didn't have much of it but it was still a thing) the existential crisis that came with the Trump presidency and dealing with the repercussions of that the whole model minority thing where I felt like I couldn't make mistake in figuring out my life figuring out my religious and spiritual beliefs dealing with creepy men in general Other: figuring out how dating and relationships worked (still figuring out more layers to that and I think I always will but back then I was on a whole nother level of cluelessness) issues with grief (lost a lot of family members during that time and didn't have any parental guidance on how to deal with those emotions the existential crisis that I got from grief and loss losing friends and then not having many/ not having much of a social life after moving into a different phase in my life loneliness in general stress from school work and college applications (which ultimately didn't go my way AT ALL therefore leading to anxiety about the future) constantly sleep deprived physical health issues (went undiagnosed until I was 21but symptoms started showing up when I was 17 or so but I didn't think much of it so I didn't get it checked) dealing with ADHD (I still have it but I'm better at managing it) planning out my adult life under late stage capitalism

@Carl-Richard Beautifully put

Direct experience, observation, and therapy

How Do People Even Get Themselves Into These Situations? So I'm going to a party school where a lot of the students have a shit ton of money to blow and get fucked up on the weekends. I'm not part of this crowd because I simply don't have the funds or the safety net to be acting out in this way and mainly because it simply isn't my crowd since I don't have much to relate to them on. But every now and then I find myself in a situation where I or one of my friends is a bystander of watching some crazy shit go down. Either that or we end up talking shit about some drama we aren't even a part of. One time I was at a party. There were some drugs, the cops eventually showed up. I just calmly left and was glad this party was over because I wasn't really having a lot of fun anyway. It just wasn't my scene. I was just standing there looking like this during that whole party: honestly, this is probably me in most messy situations lol The thing was like mosh pit and especially since COVID happened, I can't imagine going to something like that again. Not sure if I talked about this in a different post or not but I hate places that are so loud and crowded to where you can't have a conversation with someone. If I am going to spend my social energy on something, I better be compensated with a bond with someone or a good conversation. Like, places like those are draining and for what lmao!?!?! Another time my roommate from a couple years back, her friend of a friend got into some trouble at a party. I just remember getting a knock on the door by a cop that night who asked me a few questions. I was just standing there confused (and scared because POCs and cops don't mix too well) . Like I was just spending that night, minding my own business, studying for a statistics exam and I genuinely had no idea wtf was going on. Thankfully my roommate was safe and nothing happened to her and whatever happened that night, let just say that this roommate just cut those people off and moved on with her life lol. The other day, my friend who is an RA was confronted in the middle of the night by a bunch of college students banging on her door. One girl got locked out of her own dorm by two guys, a guy got punched in the face, someone was going through a break up, and there were people from off campus who got involved in a fight. The cops had to be called. My friend was talking to be about this over lunch today and we were talking about how tf people get themselves into these situations and how tf they have the time to get their work done in school. The other week there was a lot of crying and screaming outside of my dorm. I wasn't on campus that night but my roommate started texting me trying to figure out wtf was going without getting involved since we're both nosey af. The walls in my dorm are pretty thin so if there is any drama happening, the people next to you probably heard about the whole thing lol. Sex I feel like is a whole nother topic. There are a few stories i encounter every now and then and I'm just sitting there like *how?* and *why tf.* I don't really feel like expanding on that tbh. Then again, a lot of it probably has to do with my sense of risk aversion tbh. And I guess it feels even more alien to me because none of my friends are like that. Guess birds of the same feather do flock together lol. Like, it isn't even intentional but I always find myself in circles of a bunch of girls who usually do their work, nap, do face masks, and maybe binge on Netflix or anime during the weekend. We all have a couple of random acquaintances or encounters who are at the heart of the crazy stories (while we are the bystanders) but that's really about it. Honestly, now that I think about it, none of us really even smokes or drinks. It isn't like we have a problem with it or that we shame people, hell some of us might have a drink every now and then, but it's just not a part of our regular life style. Some of the shit I hear about, it sounds like it's straight out of one of those teen drama movies/shows. Whenever I watch those shows, I find myself thinking *how are you making the worst possible decisions every time?* *where tf are your parents? *if yall are in school why do I never see anyone do anything remotely related to school?* And since it's a TV show mainly written by old people who are out of touch with how kids are, I have an easier time brushing things off. But at this school specifically, there are people I run into every now and then whose lives are right out of a lifetime movie and I'm just sitting there like **huh?!?!** And times like this, I'm glad to have the role of a background character. Main characters have too much mess going on in their lives, a lot of the time they are annoying af, and they make terrible decisions. Granted, everyone is a main character of their own lives but I guess I'm talking about a specific genre of people as my roommate would describe it lol. Also in times like this, I sometimes wonder if this is how the law of attraction works. Not to be that person and I know that you can get into some pretty fucked up situations by not doing anything, but is this what it means to not be a vibrational match to a person or situation? Because again, it's not like I have to actively avoid people or situations like this. I'm just never in these situations and I never really click with people who are.

Basically me anytime I write in this journal oh, my birthday is on the 22nd lol Oh no... I just had a flashback to 2012. The shuffle and Gangnam Style were unavoidable. And honestly, I like my terrible dancing. My freestyle dance teacher would be so proud

This post reminds me of this song: I love how her voice sounds so strong, mature, and dark for most of the song but in the chorus it's at a higher pitch and sounds more angelic and innocent. The contrast is one of my favorite elements of this song and I think the shifting of the dynamics makes sense given the subject matter she's singing about.

There is a pandemic happening, there was a recession, and we are in late stage capitalism where we have little to no safety nets. Wages have been stagnating and we have issues with medical and student debt. As a result, people under 40 are taking longer to attain traditional signifiers of adulthood like kids, houses, retirement funds, and jobs with decent benefits. Just because those signifiers are missing doesn't mean that we are any less of an adult. On top of that, it's not like the boomer didn't struggle when they were young. They were probably just as confused, scared, and done with life as we are now. The difference is that a lot of that could be covered up and they would look like they have their shit together because of the traditional signifiers of adulthood since they had the financial means to do so. Additionally, conversations around mental health were pretty much nonexistant back then so if you were in you mid 20s and you were having issues, you'd probably take it out on your spouse or kids instead of working through it alone or in a healthy way since things like therapy or talking about how you are struggling were stigmatized. I watch a video a while back on how just because you grow up fast doesn't mean you grow up right. Granted I wasn't alive back then but imo rushing into a marriage, kids, and a house in your mid 20s just because you can and you're expected to doesn't seem like a good idea. And I think the silver lining of people under 40 nowadays taking longer to reach certain adult milestones is that we are thinking through things more, not necessarily because we want to but because we have to due to our circumstances. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=adult+it+slow

Honestly, for the most part I simply don't want to know. I don't mind hearing about past experiences but I don't want to know of a specific number or about a specific person my partner has been with. I also think body count isn't too relevant when it comes to how good you are in bed. You could rack up a ton of bodies and still be awful in bed. I think that the topic of body count can induce shame for both genders for different reasons and is rarely a productive conversation. Plus, a lot of talk about body count exclude things like rape which can get pretty messy and can get uncomfortable for the other person if there was something they have been through. That said, to be totally honest, I'm not really into community dick. Anything more than 10 is a lot imo

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: The Godfather Word for word I feel everything that Peter Griffin has to say. I know The Godfather is a classic but I honestly couldn't get into it. Like it's so drawn out and I have ADHD so it's over all not a good match for me. It really does insist on itself and takes forever to get into the plot. This movie has no business being 3 hours long. Long bro movies like these reminds me of the study that was conducted on whether men or women talk more. Over all the results were along the lines of this: When observing a class setting, whether you determine which sex talked more by the number of words people were using or by the duration people were speaking, by both metrics men talk more than women by a significant amount. Further studies suggest that overall which sex talks more is determined by context but even then, the notion that women talk soooo much usually circles back to the notion that the ideal woman is one who is quiet. And honestly, other than me having ADHD, I think I'm also at fault for not getting super into it because the main reason why I was watching this movie wasn't because I was interested in it rather it's because I found Al Pacino attractive. I mean.. the mans is fine but unlike the other two movies, I couldn't sit through this one. Also, he is a good actor. But my thing is that I need a face to use for the scenarios I make up in my head before falling asleep. So I can't just have my mans going around acting like a crazy person because that's just going to ruin things for me. It's also why I'm probably never going to watch Scarface. I know damn well that was one of his best performances and despite the fact that I've only seen a couple scenes here and there as they come up in my social media feeds (I follow a couple of fan accounts don't judge me lol), he embodies the worst, the most stank vibes in that movie because that's what the character calls for. I'm almost afraid is going to be same as how I feel about Timothee Chalamet. I'm pretty sure I would think he was cute if I had not watched his performance on Lady Bird. I don't know whether his acting or the casting was on point but either way, whenever I look at him, all I can see is a pretentious theater kid who will call me uncultured for not reading Hegel. Like I'm pretty sure he isn't like that in real life but in my mind he looks perpetually 17. So in conclusion, I'm probably not going to watch most of his movies since in many of them he ends up playing characters that are unhinged. This is going to be another tangent but I'm going to include it anyways. So there is a recurring joke on TikTok about how Gen Z hates the color brown. Some people attribute this to how a lot of houses in the early 2000s had faux Tuscan style home decor and we were all surrounded by brown to where now as adults we're tired of it. Like when I see these two pictures, I think of the following: every furniture ad between 2005-2012, getting yelled at over math homework, Karens who are divorcing their 2nd husband during the recession, and mid life crisis. I also think of those fake fruits that would be in the middle of the table and it reminds me of how squishy the fake grapes were. Like I was watching these tiktok laughing and then I looked at the couch that I was sitting at and realized that even though my parents didn't fully embrace this aesthetic, that there were still pieces of our home that looks like this. There were so many people I saw dragging this aesthetic to filth and how it reminded them of some of the things I listed above. Someone was like "why did all of our moms want the house to look like an Olive Garden?" Another person was like "this is Godfathercore" and that was probably one of the most cursed but accurate things that I read. I wouldn't be surprised if in 15-20 years that we would have a bunch of young adults hating the color white because they were constantly surrounded by the farmhouse aesthetic and the minimalist aesthetic growing up. But yeah tangent aside, one thing that I found satifying about the Godfather is how certain pop culture tropes made more sense. Turns out they weren't tropes rather they were just parodies. My favorite parody is probably this scene from Zootopia: Overall, even though I can't say I enjoyed the movie, I will say that I don't think the movie is bad. It's a good movie, it's just not meant for my tastes lol.

Performative Bisexuality I really like this video and I also really liked the comments under here as well: "Instead of saying oh "it was just a phase", they should say "I was experimenting" or "I was questioning my sexuality". I feel like that's less harmful." "I hate how you can’t identify with a non-hetero sexuality without associating it with sex itself. Like I feel like straight people are seen with an innocence that lgbt+ people aren’t given. “Oh you like girls” is never about how you connect with other women on an emotional level. Telling someone you’re a gay man always brings questions about your sexual life. It’s so confusing how having a non-het sexuality is always fetishized, especially to young people figuring themselves out." "I remember one time I was on a date with a girl I met on Tinder. We went for a drink and then saw a pub that looked fun so we went there to dance. We were on a date, we liked each other, so we were just dancing and flirting a bit. Just like so many people do when going out. But there where so many men standing around us, clearly trying to hit on us and enjoying what they saw. We felt so incredibly uncomfortable that we went home soon after that. We weren't even doing that much, we were just dancing, but these men all acted like we did that for them. I'm still so mad, because no, we were not doing that for anyone but ourselves, because we liked each other and had a good time before being sexualized and objectified so much that we had to leave. BISEXUAL AND LESBIAN WOMEN ARE NOT THERE FOR THE PLEASURE OF HETEROSEXUAL MALES." "I feel like performative bisexuality really contributes to biphobia within the LGBTQ+ community, which just sucks and made me feel like i was unable to come out. To this day I have been unable to tell my parents because they think that everyone is “faking it for attention” just because that’s how it is in the media. I just want to tell all bisexuals out there that you are VALID, and no matter if you later come out as gay or pansexual or whatever, your journey is valid!"

What is My Orientation? So far I'm at the following possibilities: Straight: I mean I'm pretty sure I like men. Question is, do I just like men or is there something more to the story? Demi-sexual: For those who don't know, demi-sexual is somewhere between asexual and sexual. It means that you're incapable of developing sexual attraction unless you have created an emotional bond with that person. If the emotional bond isn't there, you're basically asexual. When it comes to liking men physically, I noticed that a lot of the traits I'm attracted to usually can be traced back to someone I have had feelings for in the past. For example, I notice myself being attracted to guys who somewhat toned but skinny. Am I attracted to guys with this particular body type or am I only attracted to this body type because I developed an emotional bond with someone who has similar traits in the past? Do I actually like this, or do I only like it because it reminds me of someone. I'm going to use celebrity crushes as an example. I don't have them and I don't really find myself attracted to celebrities. But the two I do like, I'm pretty sure that I like them because they remind me of people in my regular life. If I didn't meet these people before, would I still be attracted to these two celebrities? I really don't know. Bisexual: This is one that I find hard to come to terms with, not because I think there is anything wrong with being bi, but because I don't want to be seen as a performative bisexual. I don't really find myself being attracted to women sexually. Sure I'm platonically and aesthetically attracted but sexually and romantically, it's a no for me. The only time I find women attractive sexually is in the context of a threesome. Also, there is a chance that the only reason why I'm into a threesome is because most porn is so boring to me as a woman to where the only way to make it more visually stimulating is to have more people involved. I don't really want to hook up with a woman otherwise. I don't know if this is internalized male gaze or rather than being attracted to women I sexualize them and see them as objects on some level. If it is either of those things and I'm not actually bi but I still go around telling people that I am, I'm pretty sure that would be harmful to the bisexual community and to women to a certain extent because I'm just feeding into stereotypes. I'm nervous about bringing this up and talking about it because I don't want to hurt other communities and perpetuate something harmful. I also feel like it would be an awkward conversation tbh if it's not at the right context. I don't think I know anyone who I feel comfortable enough with to bring this up.

My Sexuality Exists in a Vacuum I feel like my sexuality is something that no one really knows about including myself. It's not that I'm actively trying to repress it or hide it rather it's more along the lines of the fact that I haven't been in any contexts where it could be expressed. I'm grateful for starting this journal to have some outlet of expression but there is this thing that I find myself running into. It's basically the whole thing of "if a tree falls and no one is there to hear it, did it really make a sound." I guess that's part of the reason why it's difficult to see myself in a romantic/ sexual and sometimes in a desirable light. There is only so much I can do if I don't have direct experience. A lot of the stuff that I have talked about in this journal about what I like is to an extent speculation because I haven't gone out and tried anything. It's always difficult to know what you're really like in a situation you've never experienced. I try to remind myself of two things. One, just because no one has seen a certain side of me doesn't mean it doesn't exist. To assume so is to assume that if something isn't verified by others it doesn't exist. It's not a really self assured way of going about the world because relies on the perception of others for existence. It's the equivalent of assuming that other people don't take a shit just because you haven't personally witnessed them taking one. And two, just because I haven't been in a situation where both parties had mutual feelings, doesn't mean that it can't happen in the future. To assume so is to be biased with the past and assume that something is going to continue happening just because it happened before. Truth is we don't know and patterns don't tell us everything about predictive patterns. Literally anything can happen since circumstances are changing continuously. Sure there is something to be said about inertia and patterns, but there is always the chance of something different happening as well. Basically the logic of my sexuality feeling nonexistent and me being undesirable because of how I didn't get attention growing up doesn't exactly check out. I can recognize these emotions, understand where they have come from and empathize with them while still recognizing that they are skewed.

Fetishization isn't about liking a certain feature (as in being tall). It's about reducing a group of people down often to a bundle of stereotypes and sexualizing them as a way to gain power over them (as in seeing ethnic features as inherently less attractive or for example seeing black people as inherently more aggressive and masculine). There is also a historical implication as well that matches up to the stereotypes which makes fetishization inherently dehumanizing.

As someone who has had to deal with quite a bit emotionally, I would say regarding growth, don't seek out suffering for the sake of suffering or for the sake of growth. I would say that if anything, given how easy your life is as you say, that means you have a really good foundation to do inner work. Commit to your life purpose, go out and experience life, build healthy and sustainable relationships with your friends and family. Let those experiences be your teachers.

I agree with this. I was having a conversation with a few professors and we were talking about how career advice and how to approach different professional situations can differ given your background and what you're looking for. No, you're perfectly fine. These conversations are very much necessary both for my growth or for anyone who might come across this for similar experiences. Comments are always welcome and encouraged in my journals. That does make sense since there are a lot of costs associated with going through the hiring process, the training process etc. I guess the environment I'm in mainly has it's eyes set on the high level, highly compensated roles that tend to be cutthroat since they are in the best interest of the university (because students in high positions making a lot of money means more donations and more clout for the university) and they appeal to the desires of the student body (highly competitive stage orange people who won't hesitate to back stab you if they feel necessary).

@PurpleTree Yes white women are racist if they only date white men for a sense of safety and familiarity but the same cannot be said about WOC because of things like power dynamics and history.

Or here's another way of saying it that is both compassionate and firm: This is relationship is taking a toll on me. I feel like my energy is being drained and that my emotional and intellectual needs are not being met. I find it difficult to engage in a conversation that isn't about the things that you may be going through. While those experiences are valid, this relationship feels very off balance which isn't a healthy dynamic for either of us. I have tried to set boundaries before but I found myself feeling violated and unheard especially as someone who needs space and solitude. This relationship isn't sustainable for me given that a lot of my boundaries are being compromised. This is eroding me and I can't continue like this since much of my energy is going towards me sorting my own life out. Our dynamic feels incredibly stressful. As a result, I'm not going to respond to any more calls and texts. This is not something that is up to negotiation. Do not try to contact me. Using more "I" language as opposed to "you" language can help a person get their point across while not blaming the other person and while exercising emotional self awareness. It also helps in communicating because you aren't pointing fingers and you are speaking for yourself instead of exerting judgement on others. This in turn helps soften the blow while still being honest and straight forward. Finally, it calls attention to a person's actions rather than their character which would then help them not internalize their issues but still know what's going on so they can work on them. EDIT: for some reason I thought I was reading this in the relationships section while I was typing this out. I can delete this comment if you would like if this feels like unsolicited advice. I understand if you were just writing the above post to vent rather than communicate.

I have and it's so incredibly helpful. I went in with a general issue which was to deal with the abuse I experienced as a child. Under that general issue, I had a lot of smaller, specific issues that I wanted to address ranging from building up my self esteem, focusing on school, coping with grief, healing my attachment style, setting boundaries and more. Therapy has given me a place where I can vent about my issues, whether they are things in the past or present, in a safe place without causing additional strain on my friendships. Don't get me wrong, their support is great and being emotionally open is important, but always going to them with heavy topics can weigh the relationship down. Once I started therapy, instead of constantly venting to other people, I had a designated professional listen to me once a week. Delegating my emotional intensity to a therapist opened up more room for more lighthearted conversations with my friends where we were having fun and relaxing. Going to therapy is also good because you have someone else questioning your biases for you so you don't go down the wrong path when you are contemplating something. It's a nice check to keep you accountable so you do what you need to do as far as coping skills go and so that you come up with valuable insights. I would also highly recommend journaling and studying the issues you are having problems with prior to your sessions and in between sessions so you can get the most out of therapy and not waste your time. For example, I know that I am dealing with childhood emotional neglect so I went ahead and watched a bunch of videos on it, took notes on things that resonated with me, and noted down instances in my life that caused the issue to manifest. This is something that is probably a bit much because I'm meticulous when it comes to these types of things, but my first exposure to therapy was through my college's health center. They only have a max of 8 therapy sessions per year. Before starting school, I made a word document that was 30 pages long on all of the abusive instances in my life, how it makes me feel, what issues it's causing me currently, and how I'm trying to deal with it. I unpacked each of those things in therapy and having that written down helped me stay on track and know what exactly I need to talk about. It streamlined the process significantly.

@PurpleTree There are some black women who believe that they can avoid dealing with racism by either dating within their race or dating other POC than compared to dating white men. White women don't have to worry about being degraded for their race in the same way. I don't think WOC who think this way are racist, rather I think they are naive. You can still deal with a lot of racist and sexist bs from people from your own community. You can't avoid racism by simply avoiding white people.

@MuadDib But what if you fucking up has less to do with you experimenting with different careers and more to do with issues in your personal life? Sometimes I feel like the things I have gone through, even if I have gained soft skills from them, don't really count because I shouldn't be so neurotic to where I would be struggling in the first place.

Terrible Boomer Career Advice Here are some terrible pieces of advice that my dad, a boomer who hasn't applied to a job since the 90s and has been self employed for 20+ years, gave me that I think might be contributing to my imposter syndrome. Some of it isn't even due to him being a boomer rather it's probably him saying things to the extreme because he's reflecting his personal problems: Never advocate for yourself. Bend over backwards for your employers. If you don't do these things, you won't ever rise up the ranks and you may get fired. Don't have any boundaries at this age because your only priority should be work since you aren't married with kids yet. Shut up, do as you're told, and do everything ahead of time because if you don't deliver results as quickly as possible you will be fired. Go apply to jobs door to door to show people you're a serious applicant. Never apply to jobs online. Also, follow up with people by calling them over and over. You better stay at a company for at least 5 years and if you are loyal to them they will be loyal to you. If you stay for shorter, you are a job hopper and no one is going to trust you even if this was a summer job or internship. Don't ask for anything for the first 10 years. You aren't worth anything. The work experience you have had means nothing. Your school and field of study means nothing. You have no skills or experiences you can talk about and you're nothing but a liability. You are lucky to even have employment because why would they want to hire someone like you. Don't expect anything over $15 an hour. You are barely worth minimum wage when you graduate college and if anything, minimum wage should be abolished. Don't expect any benefits either because you aren't worth it at this age. Don't get prideful and start asking for things. You aren't degrading yourself when you do a lot of work for little compensation. You are showing them that you are a cooperative team player and as a result they will compensate you accordingly years down the line. Stop expecting instant gratification. And while I know these are terrible pieces of advice, I still don't know what is considered normal professionally. Like I don't know what is a normal amount of compensation I should be expecting with my skill level and I know this is causing me to undersell myself and not actually go after things that I'm probably qualified for. I'm in a very impressionable position since I've never had a career and I don't know how most of this works. There are some very obvious things that are bs such as never apply to jobs online and keep calling people to follow up because from experience (this man made me go to people in person and ask for applications and had me embarrass myself when managers would look at me crazy and tell me to apply online). But when it comes to figuring out how much I should be paid, what kind of benefits are standard, setting boundaries and advocating for yourself in a professional setting, I'm completely lost because I don't have much of a frame of reference. And these conversations overall leave me feeling kind of worthless and like my efforts are futile. It leaves me feeling like I don't have a future and that I won't be able to have a decent quality of life or be able to support myself. It even makes me not want to apply for anything because why bother if I'm not qualified in the first place.

I mean, those aren't equal/interchangeable. White women often fetishize black men and use them as a way to rebel against their parents. You also have the whole porn industry fetishizing this dynamic as well as prior history. A lot of black women feel that there is a sense of safety that they would get from dating a man from a similar background and on top of that, a lot of black women are shamed for interracial dating. Because once they date a man who isn't black, suddenly people in her community (usually the older people) talk shit about on how "this girl thinks she's too good for black men" etc. I mostly agree with this with the exception of the whole lost causes thing. I think if you examine your biases, understand how they are formed and where they historically come from, and heal from your own internalized self hatred that you should be good. I'd be careful with this since mixed people do tend to be fetishized because of how people think they are "rare", "exotic" , or "genetically superior." This type of language also reminds me of how some people try to have mixed babies because they want pretty kids but when you ask them to explain this, they end up sounding like they are talking about their own dating preferences. It's hella weird. You can acknowledge inequality without it turning into a limiting belief. If anything, acknowledging systemic issues can help a person from internalizing their problems which would've led to limiting beliefs. Depends on what angle you're coming from. I don't know your situation but for some people this can come from a fetishization lens.

Also, another thing that I want to add is that hyper-independence is often times a trauma response that happens to people whose needs have been ignored for so long that they cope with minimizing their needs or refusing to ask for help. In a lot of these situation, these people end up making an identity out of not being needy to where they end up neglecting their emotional, social, and mental needs. I think some people can also run into this problem in spiritual circles in the way some people can get attached to detachment as a way to bypass suffering. Because it feels like it would be easier to detach from a need than to be vulnerable and ask for help outside of yourself.

I agree with this. To a certain extent, I think this mindset has a lot of parallels with the mindset of "the one who cares the least is the one with power in a relationship." Like, power, having the upper end, or "winning" should be nonissues in healthy dynamics imo. I also like your last point on how intimacy needs neediness. Being able to express your needs in a healthy way is crucial in being vulnerable and opening up to get to know someone. Overall, I think the skill that needs to be mastered is to be able to differentiate between being needy vs having needs.