soos_mite_ah

Or maybe your ego wants you to think it's an ego trick

Made another to do list since I crossed out a lot of the stuff from the last one To Do List 10/14/2021 Deal with your professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Getting help with this by talking to my professors and advisors APPLY TO A BUNCH OF INTERNSHIPS AND START EXPERIMENTING CAREER WISE. JUST START SOMEWHERE GODDAMMIT: Currently getting help with this and I have a few people to keep me accountable. I need to have this done by mid-November at the latest Deal with your body image issues: Still have this shitty tendency to pick apart looks Let go of that one crush that isn't super healthy. Start seeing yourself in a healthy romantic light since you still have some limiting beliefs around dating Figure out your sexual orientation: Honestly, I think I'm pretty sure what I am but there a couple things I want to talk about but these are uncomfortable conversations that I haven't felt ready to have with anyone yet. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I feel like my emotions regarding the existential dread has been laying dormant lately. Like I still feel it in the form of this heaviness in my body but I'm not actively emotionally engaged with it. Stop relying on astrology, tarot, manifestation to deal with your existential dread: Gonna be honest, I'm not much of a crystal person. At this point I just have some because I like shiny things. I guess I'm off to a good start lol. Start taking care of your hair again: I stopped doing my hair consistency during the pandemic and because I've been depressed/ dealing with too many other things to be bothered. I know this is a super small thing but to me it's a reflection of how I've been feeling and how I take care/prioritize myself. Start working out: Will only start this after #4 is sorted out A Wish List I see this as some things that I want but at the same time not super fixated on. Like for example, I might want a romantic relationship but I'm not going to be obsessing over guys rather I'm going to be unpacking my own limiting beliefs and work on myself and have faith that this will take care of itself since I am doing the actual work. I do believe that I have my intentions set and that this will come to me in the right timing and that I shouldn't obsess about and beat myself up for not have these things. See this list as me trying to ~~**manifest**~~ A solid group of friends A significant other A job/internship I have lined up and knowing that I will be able to support myself A stable almost somewhat boring life that is peaceful and will give my soul some rest for a little bit Travel Feeling nice in my body and/or having my ideal body

I swear, all of the women on My 500 Pound Life has a boyfriend and many little people have significant others. Attraction is highly relative. Yes and a lot of it has to do with issues regarding race, class, and patriarchy and how they can distort attraction. I wouldn't say that attraction is inherently unjust since most of the things that make it unjust can be traced back to social conditioning. Just be conscious of your own biases and pay attention to what you're attracted to and how your environment might be influencing you.

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: Bobby Deerfield I'd say out of the 3, I was probably the most disappointed by this movie. It wasn't the worst out of the 3 but it was disappointing because I had expectations lol. The movie is supposed to be this melodramatic romance and as someone who wants more inspiration for the romantic scenarios I make in my head before falling asleep, this seemed perfect. But upon watching the movie, in regards to Bobby and Lilian's relationship, I was sitting there like... tf did I witness? Ah yes, confuse the fuck out of the guy to get him interested in you and then die on him when he gets attached. Got it If I were to summarize the movie, I'd probably say that this is about a famous racecar driver, Bobby Deerfield, trying to deal with the existential crisis that is death while being incredibly stoic and emotionally repressed. He almost gets into a deadly car crash on the race track and this killed one of the people that he was racing with while horribly injuring another. In order to deal with this, he is trying to figure out what in his car, when hit the wrong way, can trigger an explosion. He goes to talk to the person who was horribly injured to get his side of the story at this medical center where he meets Lilian, a terminally ill woman who Bobby falls in love with. Their relationship to me was bizarre to say the least, A lot of it felt awkward. I think it would be somewhat of a stretch to say that Lilian came off as a manic pixie dream girl (for those of yall who don't know what this trope is, it's basically the trope where a quirky, usually either naive or rather traumatized, young woman comes into a male protagonist's life to give him a new outlook and to "fix him." As a far as writing goes, the manic pixie dream girl exists only for the male protagonist and doesn't really have much of a life of her own). Like I get quirky, but given how awkward Lilian's dialog was, it just feels so obvious that she was written by a man. However, I can's say she is a manic pixie dream girl because she doesn't exist for Bobby nor does she have any intention to "fix" him rather she has her own agenda. Then there is Bobby. I get that his whole character was supposed to be stoic and emotionally repressed but also, the writers don't do a good job on depicting the background of some of his behavior. For example, in the beginning, there is some mention on how he has a terrible relationship with his family and how that is somewhat related to his relationship with mortality. I was waiting for the movie to get into that more but it never does. Also, my mans seems more confused than anything (and I don't really blame the guy) but also the whole dynamic doesn't feel super reciprocal for most of the movie. The guy is just like *tf is up with this woman* and then goes along pursuing her. For a large chunk of the movie, it felt as though he was pursuing her, not because he liked her but because he couldn't stand his sense of confusion. And this confusion that Lilian was creating wasn't even in this seductive, mysterious way. The confusion was more so centered around the whole wtf factor. And I'm glad that Lilian calls him out on this when she says something along the lines that she isn't some type of puzzle to be figured out and that she just wants them to let loose and enjoy themselves. Also another thing that I kept thinking about is how for a large chunk of the time Bobby was with Lilian that he still had a girlfriend. Like even on the cuter scenes, I was still sitting there like MY GUY DON'T YOU HAVE A WHOLE NOTHER GIRL?!?!?! And when it comes to his girlfriend, I don't think her name was ever really mentioned. She doesn't have many lines and there isn't that much known about her. I feel like getting into her character and her relationship to Bobby would have made the movie more interesting and would have added some extra layers. Overall, the movie drags on doesn't do a great job in getting into the characters. I lowkey didn't even want to finish it if I'm going to be completely honest. This movie also reminds of this notion on how many "romantic movies" aren't really all that romantic and how they often normalize and romanticize unhealthy and obsessive behaviors. I feel like some of the movies and TV series with the best romances are ones where romance is a part of the plot rather than the whole thing because you see the characters get fleshed out more in different situations outside of their relationship. Not to be cliché, but I feel like life is like this too where to live an interesting and exciting life, romance can be a part of it (or might not be, that's ok too) but it isn't the whole thing. Because it simply isn't healthy or sustainable to wrap your whole life and character arc around one person regardless of how strongly you feel about the person. In the end of the day, it be exciting on screen, but if you use a couple of brain cells, you realize how chaotic that way of life is. Anyway, tangent aside, this movie was disappointing but then again, I can't say that I'm surprised. My mans was fine af though and the costume design people for the movie knew what they were doing because he had fits. 2.5/10.

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: And Justice for All Ok so lately, I've been on my straight woman shit. I've recently tried to watch The Godfather, And Justice for All, and Bobby Deerfield for no other reason other than the fact that I'm a thirsty bitch who thinks young Al Pacino is fine af. I'm going to be completely honest, I hated all of these movies. So let's get started on this post shall we lol.... And Justice for All is about a lawyer, Arthur Kirkland, trying to be an ethical while being surrounded by corruption. Everyone in the movie is out of their goddamn minds, including Arthur himself, but in comparison to the other characters, Arthur is probably the most level headed person there. Basically the whole movie is him being done with life because of the neurotic characters he is surrounded by and him trying to manage multiple responsibilities while being black mailed into taking a case defending the person who he despises the most. Out of the 3 movies, I'd say that I enjoyed this one the most (and by that I mean I would rate this a 3.5/10). I found myself relating to this character because while it isn't nearly to the same extent, I am pretty done with life and for a while I have been surrounded by a lot of neurotic people while juggling multiple responsibilities. But here's where the problems lie. This movie strikes me as something that is pretty dated (i think it was made in 1977?). The reason being the way the movie portrays women, people of color, and trans people. I'm going to talk about the writing because I'm not that great at critiquing performance. All of the actors seemed good at what they did as far as I can tell lol. Firstly with women. Most of the women were background characters. There were 4 women who weren't though. There was a prostitute, a rape victim, the main character's girlfriend, and a client the main character was defending (I'll get to that in a minute). Of the 4, the first 2 didn't have lines or a name. Gail, the girlfriend, was a part of a committee that was cracking down on corrupt lawyers. She and Arthur meet, they sleep together a couple times, and I think they're in a relationship? For all I know this could be a friends with benefits situation because the movie doesn't really have a build for the relationship. She just kind of pops up and is there. Granted this movie isn't supposed to be centered around a romantic relationship but when it comes to Arthurs friends and coworkers, there is more context regarding those relationships when it comes to how those relationships develop both on and off screen. Gail on the other hand, feel more like a plot device rather than a fleshed out character. She has a couple conversations to challenge Arthur's train of though on how to deal with issues he's facing in his workplace (and speaking of which, how tf do any of the characters have jobs!?!??! They're not functioning at all. I get it's satire but still). She's a symbol speaking for an alternate ideology to contrast from the main character in order to give the audience a different perspective of the situation at hand. The movie doesn't really go into her life all that much nor does it explore her character, much less her character outside the context of her relationship to Arthur. I think, especially given her job and the situations in the movie, she could have had a more active role with more scenes. Worst of all, there is a part of me that feels that Gail's character was used by the writers to prove the main character's masculinity. Because, given Gail's role in the plot, she could have easily been simply another one of Arthur's coworkers/friends or hell she could have been a guy and not much would have changed in the movie. Instead of a romantic/sexual relationship, this could have easily been a platonic/professional thing. The reason why I think Gail's character was written in this way is because the main character isn't as traditionally masculine. A lot of the movie centers around his empathy, the way that he treats people, how much he cares both about the people around him and his profession, and how emotional / sentimental he gets with his cases. A lot of these are traditionally associated with femininity. And I'd imagine that considering that this movie was made in the 70s, that it wouldn't do too well or appeal to a lot of people if the main character seemed too soft. And I don't think I need to repeat this but men tend to hold the sexual conquest of women as one of the things they need to check off in order to prove their masculinity to other men. When it comes to the people of color, pretty much all of them are criminals. I don't think I really need to expand on that point. Only one person of color even has lines in the movie. She is a black trans woman who got caught up in a bank robbery and she being represented by Arthur. A lot of her scenes were hard to watch because many of them involved being degraded by other men. There are a couple of scenes where she gets sexually harassed by men who she was in jail with. Those scenes were hard to watch. There are scenes where she is forced to take off her wig for both her mugshot and her appearance in court. I think those scenes were good in the way it articulated how the whole judicial process was degrading both for her and the other people Arthur was representing. Considering that this is the 70s and shit was a 1000x harder for trans people then than it is now, I'm glad that at the very least they depicted her in a more sympathetic light rather than outright villainizing her . The thing that really gets to me is how in the end, she ends up going to jail and she ends up hanging herself. I just feel like her whole character arc needs a trigger warning. The movie is about justice and how many people don't get it because of the flaws in both the system and the people within the system. Those who try to be ethical end up getting cornered into positions where not only is it difficult to make good choices, but there aren't many good choices to begin with. While all of that is in the plot, I would say that the lack of justice extend to even the people who were writing the movie and how they portrayed the characters. I'm willing to give some leniency given the time period this was written in but still.... it's.... ehhhhugghhh. Definitely would not recommend. The only thing that got me going to finish this movie was that I thought the lead actor was attractive. I'm surprised that I sat through an hour and half of this. Asexual me could never.

Sometimes I wonder if my situation is bad enough to warrant completely walking away and sometimes I wonder if walking away would make me a leech of some sort (because my family raised me and physically provided for me for all these years it's like at the very least I owe them to call and keep contact). Do yall know of anyone who walked away from their family and then grew to regret their choice years later?

I stole this idea from @tuckerwphotography but I'm curious on how the results of this poll matches up with the poll on the spiral dynamics stages. Plus, I feel like the 9 stages don't get talked about enough despite it being more specific and accurate for individual ego development.

Future Topics // Things I Have Yet to Talk About Alright... so it's been a minute. I haven't been on this forum posting as a I normally do but I'm back. And before I get back on my shit, I thought this would be a good time to look at the things I set out to cover and see where I'm at. I made a list a while back but I've added more things to the list since then and I've definitely talked about things outside of this list as well in this journal. I crossed out the things I've already talked about, I put some topics in gray because I don't really care to write about them, and I've bolded topics that I really want to take my time with before posting on here. My Relationship with Porn crossing this out because it's the next post I want to make The Diversity of Asexuality Thoughts on NoFap Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex Asexual Stereotypes Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation The Online BDSM Test Things and People I'm Attracted To still have more things I want to add on to this but I'm crossing it out because I touched on it Different Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability Music I've Really Been Enjoying (I feel like this goes along with "Art Work That I Really Enjoy", but I wanted another post lol) Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where I am Now in That Journey Reflecting on My Writing Thus Far: Findings from Writing in This Journal Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized Purity Culture On the stage blue post Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Kink Shaming My Fears Around Pregnancy Nudism Encountering Asexual Flirts Exhibitionism FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual Foreplay and Aftercare Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? Somethings I Want for My First Time Some body image issues that have flared up for me recently Using Your Love Language for Self-Care Recent Dates I’ve been on Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands Pole Dancing Lana Del Rey Sex Addiction and Hyper Sexuality Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex Unrealistic expectations and colorism I’m ugly and I’m proud We’re not ugly The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men Friend Zoning Art Work I Really Like My Thoughts on Monogamy The Sex Work Industry and the Ethics of Using Your Body for Profit Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really Sugar Baby Culture Does Sex Actually Sell?

I'd say that I really like Natalie Wynn's (Contrapoints) content and to a certain extent look up to her. Can't really say she's "my hero" since I don't know much about her other than what she posts on her main channel. However, I will say that I admire her way of articulating her thoughts, the way she uses empathy to create more nuanced arguments, and her over all analysis on different subjects. I would also add Leo but again, don't really consider him "my hero." I enjoy his content and how holistic he is in the way he presents different topics and how level headed he is on the topic of spirituality. His approach to spirituality and self development feels much more grounded than a lot of new agey people while still talking about similar subject matter. That's what pulled me into his content and I think it's pretty admirable. I guess a small part of me idolized him for a short period of time but I feel like after being on this forum, any smidge of that went out of the window. I don't mean that in a negative way per se but more so in a "ok he's just another guy prone to mistakes just like the rest of us" kind of way. I don't find myself seeing many people as my role model or hero so I always found that question hard to answer even when growing up. I feel like when you see someone in that way, there is that chance of falling into the trap of idolizing that person and turning a blind eye to their short comings. I think especially with the internet and cancel culture, for a lot of people who are younger (think gen z/ late millennials) there aren't a lot of heroes or role models because the people who would typically be considered heroes and role models, their whole lives are much more accessible and therefore you get a more holistic view of what they are like when the cameras aren't rolling. While people do get cancelled for a lot of stupid shit sometimes, I think this stage of development is important so people don't blindly follow people in the public eye by putting them on a pedestal and instead view these people as .. well other people. TLDR: I don't have a hero but there are a few people here and there whom I admire for certain traits. I can't say that I admire them since I don't know them personally, but their work does resonate with me and has caused me to grow and see the world in a more conscious light.

I would say green/ yellow. I went ahead and said green because I think saying I'm yellow would be a little too cocky lol.

Disassociation Not sure to what extent this post even makes sense since I’m running on no sleep at the moment but these are some thoughts that I’ve been having lately. I’m really freaked out on how disassociated I have been for the past 2-3 weeks. I haven’t gotten much work don’t (thankfully I didn’t have much work that I need to do) and I am able to go to meetings and such without being a mess. But I feel like I’ve been on auto piolet. Even in my classes, I’m not really there. Logically I can respond and do what I need to do but emotionally… there isn’t much going on. I don’t feel negative or positive, just numb and low energy. There is this weight that I have been carrying around and I guess I am performing emotional labor, but my mind doesn’t want to acknowledge the full extent of it so that I could continue trudging along. I feel like I unlocked a different flavor of depression. Speaking on disassociating, I’m really comfortable being on my own. Which is probably why I haven’t had the impulse to really reach out to people all that much. Because I’m on the go, I actually appreciate the time I have to myself whether that be me having a meal or me chilling in my dorm watching youtube videos. And obviously when I’m working I’m not socializing all that much because or else I won’t be able to focus. And next thing I know, I find myself alone like 90% of the time. I’m at peace with this and as they say, time flies when you’re having fun and minding your own business. But every now and then, this sense of dread that comes in. I wouldn’t quite call it loneliness as I don’t find myself longing for the company of others, but I say dread because it ultimately comes down to this. Am I living my life to the fullest or life just passing me by? And while when I’m on my own I feel the former because I like being present in my own company, sometimes I look at how fast time goes and think about all of the memories I’m not making and all of the relationships that I don’t have. The lines between living and existing starts to feel blurred. And when I’m sleep deprived, my mind then proceeds to go towards more self-deprecating thoughts. There is this notion of social inadequacy that comes up because of my lack of meaningful relationships though a lot of it is situational. I try to reassure myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me and that these things take time especially given the pandemic. But that goddamn lizard brain kicks in and starts throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old because it wants what it wants and it wants it now. And honestly, I would say that is a rational response on some level. It’s been a while since I’ve had a solid group of friends and I have been patient when it comes to “finding my people” for years now. And when you have to tell yourself to keep being patient and keep doing the inner work, it gets exhausting. You start to get impatient. It’s not that I’m not seeing myself make progress. I see it, but it’s slow and steady. I just thought that I would have finished the journey a long time ago but the finish line was moved a few times as new things that I had to work through popped up. Then there is how I haven’t been writing lately. That in itself isn’t the issue rather I think it’s a symptom. I think me not writing as often reflects my emotionally disassociated state in the way that I tend to reflect through my writing and since I haven’t been writing, I haven’t reflecting. And as a result, I’ve been on auto piolet. Just haven’t been having that many thoughts that I could write about since I’m not even fully here. And speaking of the pandemic, that fucked up my sense of time. I’m turning 22 in 2 weeks and I still feel just 20. The fact that 2020 would’ve started 2 years ago in a couple of months doesn’t really click. Time just froze during the pandemic. And even though I have taken a break from school and thankfully I’m not a senior, everything just came and went in a blink of an eye. It’s freaky. Not to be cliché but where has the time gone? I don’t even remember stopping to smell the roses even though I have records that tell me that I did. And since I’m on the topic of the pandemic, I know I’ve said this before but imma say it again. I’m so fucking tired of “once in a lifetime” events. Finally, of course, there is the fact that it is October. Just in general, I have a lot of baggage around October and this time of the year is always rough on me because I get reminded of a bunch of traumatic things that come up. I also have a lot of baggage around my birthday which I’m planning on writing about later. Especially because of the events this time last year, I really feel this emotional weight in the background of my awareness. There is a part of me that keeps thinking on what things are different and what are the same. I guess that lack of focus and lack of presence adds to this dissassociative state. Also, I think a lot of the emotions around this time is overwhelming and my brain is like “nope, we’re dealing with this later,” as a way of protecting my sanity so I can keep going.

That makes sense. I bet in that case it must be pretty eye catching. IMO, gaining weight or your body changing in general as you age is normal as what your body needs changes. As a result, people get different set points at different times in their lives. Hormones and metabolic changes also play a role. Changes in body composition nothing to be too concerned about granted you keep up healthy habits and that there isn't anything else going wrong according to a doctor. Again, I barely know anything about Owen Cook so I have no idea what this guy is doing behind closed doors. But health can look different according to different people and while he is a little on the chubbier side, it isn't so much so to where you can definitively say there is a problem if that makes sense (like the guy doesn't look morbidly obese). There is only so much you can tell about a person's health by just looking at them so it's best not to pass judgment unless you're in an appropriate setting, have done tests, and are a professional in these matters. That's how I see things anyway.

which is why you recognize it as a pointless game you can be dead serious and still have fun with something simply because you get so engaged to it

Have no idea who this guy was so I had to google him lol. He looks like fine. Not fat imo. Looks like a normal guy in his 40s. Some people are just built different. Not everyone has to be skinny and/or muscular.

THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WHEN I WAS THINKING OF A SCENARIO OF DISAPPEARING FROM MY FAMILY AND REAAPEARING LMAOOO I really like this. This makes more sense when you have a couple of phrases that you can use to explain your situation. It really helps in articulating the perspective imo. And I really resonate with this as well because it's not that I hate my family but I do recognize that they aren't the healthiest FOR ME and I really don't see myself putting blame on them rather I feel like I'm coming from a place of trying to be more responsible. Though, even though I know this about myself, I know how this can look hateful or like I'm blaming people from the outside.

I find myself in this mindset as well, how I can't go back once I leave. I never saw this situation through the lens of rehabilitating myself and then looking at the situation objectively. I never questioned why there was this notion that I couldn't go back once I left. I guess a lot of it comes down to not wanting to make things awkward in the sense that once I leave, they'll get this sense that I don't care about them anymore and when I come back I'm basically sending mixed messages and therefore my love/care for them isn't consistent or stable.

Honestly, I'd let my kids date whenever and not have any hard rules when it comes to dating and having sex. I want to be flexible so that my kids feel like they can come to me with problems so they don't end up in toxic/dangerous situations and if they do, they have an adult guiding them. I think over all, a lot of kids start dating around 12/13 but a lot of the dating at that time is literally just taking to the opposite sex, holding hands, hanging out after school, and maybe the occasional kiss. Like, can you even call that actual dating lol. But to those kids, that shit feels real and understandably so given their life experience (not trying to talk down to them or anything). I don't think there is any set right age to start dating, everyone becomes ready in their own time (I don't want to say mature in their own time because I know plenty of girls who started dating when they were around 19/20 and they weren't any less mature compared to girls who started earlier). But if I were to put a number, I'd say 17-20. I probably have a bias because of my experiences but I feel like anything earlier is a little pointless a lot of the time and there isn't that much difference than say starting dating at 14 than 17 other than that starting at 14 might be messier and pettier.

no vpn

Negative Emotions Inventory I decided to jot down some of the most negative spirals I go into and how they devolve both from a thinking and emotional standpoint. This is just a way of taking stock at my weak points going forward as well as a way to let myself be vulnerable and gentle with myself: I wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and that I had actual adults I could turn to. I feel so alone. I am angry and frustrated on how I have to fix problems I didn’t create because of generational trauma. My problems aren’t even my problems. They became my problems because my parents didn’t do their part in healing and self-awareness. Like I have my own shit to deal with, why I do have to be weighed down by other people’s shit?!?!? It feels heavy and I’m tired and sad. I wish the person I am today was the person I was when I was 14. On a similar note, I wonder who I would have become if I had a healthy and happy upbringing. I wish I stepped into my potential earlier. I wonder if I’ll ever step into my potential because there is a huge part of me that feels like I already failed in life and that I have nothing going for me. My future feels very bleak. I already talked about things on an individual level but also, this translates to the collective level because of late-stage capitalism. I’m talking climate change, fascism, wealth inequality, misinformation, the pandemic, etc. Everything feels dystopian. I feel like there are systemic issues stopping me from living my best life. I also don’t have confidence in my abilities. I don’t feel like I have much going for me. I feel like a little ball of anxiety most of the time and I feel done with my life a lot of the time. It takes so much energy to do a lot of basic things. And because of that, I haven’t been able to go above and beyond during college whether it be socially, academically, or professionally. I feel like I wasted so much time. My resume looks like a skinny legend, and I’m scared of what that would mean for my future after graduation. Imposter syndrome is very much a thing. People tell me that I have a lot of potential and they tell me I’m on the right path., but I really wished that I could see what they see. Even though I can list out and talk about all of the ways I’m dealing with my issues step by step and I know that I’m making progress, I still feel like I’m an absolute mess. I’m so scared of the future. I’m anxious of what’s to come and I’m depressed by the current prospects. Similar to how I don’t feel like I’m desirable professionally, I also don’t feel like I’m desirable in a sexual and romantic light. I don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard for me to picture someone seeing me in that light because of the experiences I simply didn’t have growing up for whatever reason. It’s like I wasn’t able to develop that healthy sense of self in this area of my life in the time most people do and as a result there is a part of me that feels rather unconfident and underdeveloped.

Found and interesting article on hook up culture in college and how race and class plays into things. Thought I'd include it here. https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/07/hookup-culture-for-the-white-and-wealthy.html The Hookup Elites LISA WADE Not everyone in college is hooking up. It’s mostly the white and wealthy. Let me lay out some statistics that, considered together, seem quite improbable. First, 91 percent of college students agree that their lives are dominated by the hookup culture. Second, the median number of hookups for a graduating senior is seven. That’s fewer than two hookups a year. Only about 40 percent of those hookups include sexual intercourse so, technically, the typical student acquires only two new sexual partners during college. If students agree with the rest of the panicked culture and the recent New York Times story that they are embedded in an alcohol-fueled, porn-soaked, party scene that welcome casual sex, how is it possible that their actual sexual activity can be described with numbers like two and seven? This was the question that led me to rethink what was really happening on college campuses. The vast majority of published research on hookup culture, mine included, focuses on the gender dynamics: the extent to which college women are empowered or disempowered by their experience with hookup culture. Media coverage of the phenomenon has followed suit. Gender, however, is not the only way to slice the data. Buried in the statistics is information about who is participating in the hookup culture more or less actively. And, it turns out, not everyone on campus embraces the scene equally. Only 14 percent of students hookup more than 10 times in four years and these students are more likely than others to be white, wealthy, heterosexual, able-bodied, and conventionally attractive, according to quantitative studies of hookup behavior. Students who do not fall into these categories hook up significantly less and are more likely to disapprove of or be uninterested in the whole endeavor. To give you an idea of why, I’ll briefly discuss what we know about the attitudes and behaviors of African-American versus white and working-class versus middle-class students. African-American students are less likely to hook up than white students. Sociological studies suggest that lingering racism plays a part: Black people have been traditionally stereotyped as hypersexual (trigger warning: see the “jezebel” and “mandingo” stereotypes). So, for black men and women, embracing sexual freedom can bring individual rewards, but also risks affirming harmful beliefs about African-Americans. In response, some black people feel the need to perform a politics of respectability. Rashawn Ray and Jason Rosow, for example, in a comparison of black and white fraternities, found that black men’s resistance to negative racial stereotypes sometimes involved being “good” and following mainstream social norms of appearance and behavior. There are other, more practical reasons as well. Unpublished research led by USC graduate student Jess Butler, whose dissertation addressed hookup culture, suggests that there may be a separate African-American hookup scene on some colleges. However, hookup scenes often revolve around fraternity houses and, because of historic and ongoing economic inequality, black fraternities are less likely to have houses. Meanwhile, in general, black students are more strongly in favor of gender equality and drink less alcohol than whites. Neither of these facts facilitate hookup scripts. Working-class students are also less likely to participate in hookup culture. Upper-middle- and upper-class students approach college with a certain sense of entitlement. They hook up because they are fairly confident that they will spend several years working on their careers before they get married. And they feel confident that they’ll graduate from college with relative ease, so they’re comfortable spending a lot of time partying. Here’s an example of how one class-privileged college student sees things, as reported by sociologists Laura Hamilton and Elizabeth Armstrong: “I’ve always looked at college as the only time in your life when you should be a hundred percent selfish … I have the rest of my life to devote to a husband or kids or my job … but right now, it’s my time.” In contrast, poor and working-class students, who are often the first ones in their families to attend college, tend to take it much more seriously and don’t take for granted that they’ll finish, so they party less. They also bring their values with them, so they imagine starting a family earlier. Investing in a serious boyfriend or girlfriend is more in line with these goals. As one working-class student said, in a separate study by Hamilton, about her wealthier peers: “Some of these girls don’t even go to class. It’s like they just live here. They stay up until 4:00 in the morning. [I want to ask,] ‘Do you guys go to class? Like what’s your deal? … You’re paying a lot of money for this … If you want to be here, then why aren’t you trying harder?’ ” So what we are seeing on college campuses is the same dynamic we see outside of colleges. People with privilege—based on race, class, ability, attractiveness, sexual orientation, and, yes, gender—get to set the terms for everyone else. Their ideologies dominate our discourses, their particular set of values gets to appear universal, and everyone is subject to their behavioral norms. Students feel that a hookup culture dominates their colleges not because it is actually widely embraced, but because the people with the most power to shape campus culture like it that way.

That makes sense. I'm basically trying the whole "love them from a distance thing" since I can have surface level conversations. Part of me feels obligated to keep in contact where another part of me is like "you aren't getting much of value from this and you feel drained, there is no point on being responsible just for responsibilities sake." The part of me that wants to keep in contact is coming from empathy because even though my family isn't the healthiest, I know they want what's best for me and I know they're just trying their best from where they are in their consciousness.

I guess over all, a lot of my problems are still there but I am dealing with it accordingly. Just gotta wait for this storm to pass I guess. I reordered this list so that the first part (1-5) a things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out. The second part (6-10) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. Finally, the third part (11-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it).