soos_mite_ah

I feel like love languages are independent from masculinity and femininity. The whole love languages thing can be limitted as @mandyjw said but imo it can be a good starting point for understanding what makes you and your partner feel cared about. I don't know what words of affirmation and quality time have to do with femininity but I know that there are men and women who consider themselves to lean more masculine who have those two as their main love languages. I always saw the love languages as gender independent lol.

So I used to have doomer depression spirals earlier this year regarding climate change, capitalism, the pandemic, and just the over all state of the world. I haven't been having them lately (in the last few months) but I feel that it's because I'm more focused on completing day to day activities in school and in trying to figure out my career. One one hand you could say that the doomer spirals are just laying dormant because I'm being preoccupied by working on other areas of my life. On the other hand I guess you could make the case that trying to be more present in my life by focusing on the smaller things rather than working myself into a state of anxiety by worrying about big picture issues has helped me resolve this issue with my doomer spirals. I know like everyone I do carry a certain degree of self bias and while there is a part of me that wants to think I'm over the doomer spirals since I haven't had one in more than 3 months but then again it might be due to the fact that I'm distracted from it. I would like some input because idk what's going on lol.

I mean, there are multiple reasons as to why a woman might have issues with finishing that doesn't have to do with repression or body image issues. For instance, I know birth control and hormonal fluctuations can play a role as well. But yeah, ask her about what her goals and needs are sexually and what kind of dynamics she's into and go from there.

What does she have to say about this?

Knowledge, Experience, and Compatibility So I was studying for my up coming exams with a friend. This friend then gets a phone call from another friend and starts talking to this person (for simplicity's sake I'm going to refer my fried as R and her friend she's talking to as H. I'm just doing my work but I over hear bits and pieces of the conversation, not to the point where I understand what's happening but just enough to get a sense of a wtf factor that would lead me to a sense of curiosity as to what as being discussed. After my friend gets off the phone call I'm like "I'm really curious as to what yall are talking about because it sounded funny but I also get that if it's really personal and you don't want to tell me" as I started laughing about the bits and pieces I heard. My friend tells me that the her friend H is having trouble finishing with her boyfriend. It's becoming a whole situation and her boyfriend is upset that he can't satisfy her sexually and she's upset because her body isn't doing what she wants it to do. H is beginning to wonder if this is a result of sexual incompatibility, if her birth control is to blame, of if there is something wrong with her and she is really upset because she doesn't want to break up with the guy since she really like him and their over all relationship is really healthy. I then ask R whether this issue that H is having when she started dating her boyfriend or if this is an on going thing. R tells me that H was a virgin before she was dating her boyfriend. I then ask R if she knows if H has tried masturbating and doing things sexually herself to figure out what she likes to which the answer was no. Then I told R that maybe this isn't a issue with sexual incompatibility rather the case might be that H doesn't know what she likes and as a result is having trouble communicating that to her boyfriend and she should try to figure out what she likes physically on her own for a little bit and see if that helps. And it's also important to be patient with this as well since it can take a while to get used to all of the sensations to where it's actually pleasurable. R think's this is good advice and texts H about this to which H agrees to try to give it a shot. I keep talking to R and she was like "that's good advice, I told this girl to fake orgasms instead." Granted R is a virgin and probably didn't know better. I then explained to R why faking orgasms is generally bad advice and how that can create a lot of miscommunication and dissatisfaction in the long run because women are misrepresenting her needs, not exerting herself, and basically lying to the guy telling him that's he's doing a good job when he actually isn't. Then I started contemplating on what it actually means to be sexually compatible with someone and how knowledge and experience plays into everything which brings me into writing this post. I know that there are parts earlier in this journal where I have talked about feeling like I don't know what I'm talking about when I write in this journal due to my lack of experience: I feel that after the interaction I had above that maybe I know more than I give myself credit for. While I am a virgin, I have still made the effort to figure out what I like physically, unpack the limiting beliefs I might have around sex, and what my sexual needs are both through journaling as well as with my hands literally. While I don't have as much experience as other people, that doesn't discount the validity of the knowledge that I do have. And it also made me think about how different people have different ideas as to what makes someone experienced. One of the funnier examples I can think of off the top of my head is how some pick up people apparently keep track of the 100 one night stands that they had with people and how often times they still suck in bed because there is only so much you can experience when you have a one night stand. Basically, body count =/= how experienced and good you are in bed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can have done things and not know what you're going and vice versa even though knowledge and experience do tend to go hand in hand (but they aren't mutually inclusive). As far as sexual compatibility goes, I feel like there are multiple factors that one could look at. I'm going to do another post on that a little later because this post is getting a little long and I have other things to do.

I might have a couple thoughts here and there but I'm not spiraling. But it could be the fact that when I'm not doing school/career/social things that I'm usually lying around being exhausted. Maybe I'm too tired to go on spirals but then again people tend to spiral whether they are tired or not so maybe me not spiraling is significant lol So what I'm getting is that what I'm doing is a healthy way of coping if I'm not mistaken

@LastThursday That's good to know. Very reassuring. I appreciate it

I'm currently feeling this huge wave of irritability wash over me because I'm exhausted and I have no motivation to finish this semester but I still have shit to do. Honestly, I just want to fight my professors and start biting people. My inner child is just throwing the biggest tantrum right now.

I found a video on AI, how it reflects society's current biases, and how it can come with it's own set of problems

@LastThursday So what I'm getting is that I'm coping effectively in the face of problems that I don't have much control over instead of fueling my neurotic thought spirals. Would that be accurate?

ooooofffffffff mood....

Acknowledging that this Semester was Rough for Me I'm mainly writing this post down as a way of reassuring myself and validating my emotions and experiences since recently I haven't been doing a good job at that. I have gotten through this semester in a very slow, consistent, sustainable way. I feel like it's because of this pace that now I just feel tired all the time. I have about a week left in the semester and honestly......I just don't want to do anything. I got a taste of break a week ago during Thanksgiving and that is distracting me from finishing up this semester tbh. I feel like I already utilized most of my energy at this point. I have gotten a lot done emotionally speaking but as usual, emotional labor isn't recognized as much because it is less tangible. I often feel like I can't talk about the stuff I wrote about above and I find myself invalidating this exhaustion I feel. A lot of my friends are taking 18 credit hours, balancing a job/internship, and are involved on campus by joining different clubs or taking on work on campus. By comparison, I'm doing the bare minimum of 12 credit hours. It's like I don't have the right to really complain tbh. But that's if you take all of the emotional labor out of the equation. And while I do empathize and listen to the experiences these people have, I feel like there is only so much I can say about my situation (especially since I'm making new friends and I don't want to trauma dump on them early on) and because there is only so much I can relate to about their stress of having to juggle multiple things at once. Again, I know that I'm doing a lot and I'm putting in a lot of effort. But only so much of it manifests externally and is tangible. That doesn't make it less real but it does make it harder to point to and talk about. As a result, I'm often left feeling like I'm not doing enough or that I'm not capable of doing things especially when it comes to academic and professional matters. It makes me feel weak and stupid because here I am getting tired over taking 4 classes this semester but there are people taking 6 and balancing additional responsibilities. This semester was difficult because of the way that I had to readjust to the culture of this school and the way they decided to handle the pandemic. It was difficult because this semester is the first semester I have come back since this mess first started and since I had taken time off for my physical and emotional health. I've been dealing with this readjustment and I have been dealing with trying to get back to being a more or less functioning person. I've also been dealing with both the collective trauma but also the trauma of living with my parents for a year an a half while dealing with medical issues. Also, while I haven't been taking a heavy course load, I have been taking classes that required a good deal of emotional labor. Sure I'm finishing this semester with straight A's but I did have to deal with the occasional anxiety attacks due to my course work (most of my work this semester was dealing with the chaos of other people and doing presentations constantly). I've also been reorienting my values and the way that I spend my time. I've been transitioning out of being a hermit and actually putting in effort to make friends. And I have somewhat of a social life now surprisingly. I've been figuring out plans after college and getting things straightened around the hang ups I have around starting my career. And not only that, but I have had to deal with October and everything that month comes with and I have done so proactively. But yeah... I'm doing a lot and I'm doing it well even if it might not look like it from the outside.

I think saying tumblr is the origins of these aesthetics is a large over simplification especially in the way that cultural factors play a large role as to what people tend to gravitate towards. it's just that whenever I see people make breakdowns of different aesthetics, tumblr somehow always comes into the picture. I guess because of how niche tumblr can be, as a result it has also given a platform to more niche aesthetics. It's often the place (and now that place is tiktok) that people first encounter these aesthetics. Yes I have. I never actually got around to watching it since I'm not really a Netflix binger but I have heard mixed opinions about it ranging from being excited about getting representation and a character they find relatable to feeling stereotyped an boxed into a certain experience to having mixed feelings because somethings resonate while other things feel over exaggerated. I think a lot of the mixed opinions likely have to do with the limited number of content like this to where there is more pressure for one show to fit everyone if that makes sense. I did go through a phase where I really enjoyed watching coming of age shows I guess because it felt like a more dramatic, interesting, and deeper version of my own boring life in a way. I mostly couldn't relate to the stuff that would typically happen in these shows/ movies because of the way I was stressed about school, getting into college, and family issues and because of the way I had a relatively drama free friend group and a nonexistent romantic life (that's not to mention how white people centered a lot of this genre is). But I could often relate to the emotions and the messages that were involved in this type of media to a certain extent. One of my favorites from this genre is Blinded by the Light which is a movie about a teenage boy in London who is trying to deal with his family and deal with the conservative politics back when Margret Thatcher was in power in the 1980s while using Bruce Springsteen's music to cope. I remember watching this and actually feeling represented for the first time. I felt like all I had to do is replace Springsteen with Green Day and replace the setting with Texas in 2017 right after Trump became president and you basically had my teenage experience in a nutshell.

I mean pretty much. Honestly, I wasn't on tumblr a lot either. I'd mainly log on when I was either angry about current events or having some kind of existential crisis. I'm somewhat familiar with different sides of tumblr though. Those would include: fandom tumblr which consisted of people talking about their favorite books, shows, manga/anime, actors, music etc. SJW tumblr gay tumblr which I never got into but I hear a lot about especially from people who were in conservative areas growing up and didn't feel comfortable being out but nevertheless wanted an outlet and community for their identity porn tumblr (wasn't on here, just stumbled upon it accidentally a couple times) which consisted of a concerning number of minors talking about ddlg kinks (I mean, you're allowed to like what you like but there is something that is uncomfortable about a 15 year old talking about their kinks into detail. Also, if I'm not mistaken, a lot of explicit things were wiped clean from tumblr in the last couple years) mental illness tumblr where a lot of people would talk about creating more awareness around mental health as well as sharing experiences but there was a segment who would also romanticize things and make it into an aesthetic which was pretty messed up Aesthetic tumblr (basically the origins of things like cottagecore and dark academia but also the main place where you would get inspiration for pastel goth outfits) I remember growing up I would watch Lily Singh's content back in her iisuperwomanii. She an a lot of brown creators would make a bunch of skits poking fun at some of the strict and dysfunctional parenting trends that are in the community in a way that was relatable. I remember using that content to try to see my situation in a more lighthearted way so I won't become too depressed. But at the same time, there are quite a few instances where I would try to google how to deal with my issues only to at most find a couple of blog posts. Things are changing though. I know a lot of people on tiktok who really talk about their observations and analysis of different issues as well as unpacking their own experiences. There are a lot of instagram accounts as well, one of the large ones being browngirltherapy and sahajkholi (she's more active on twitter though based on the fact that I keep seeing screenshots of her tweets on instagram). Also, just in general, I have been observing more brown people go into mental health related fields as well. I discovered Healthygamergg's content a couple months ago. I know he touches on a few issues in the south asian community when his experiences come up in his streams. But I don't think I encountered any videos specifically about this though. I think it would be valuable and interesting for me to look into the origins of this trope more tbh. For some reason it feels like it's everywhere in the teen drama/ coming of age type media. I also really enjoyed reading about what you wrote on Lady Bird as well.

This video was strangely comforting. I would link a shorter video of Natalie saying "nothing matters" but I couldn't mind one. But then again this feels like one of those meditation music sounds you can find on youtube that's like 3 hours long.

The Sad White Girl Trope Oh lord I'm falling down a rabbit hole of connecting with a past version of myself aren't I? After looking through my old journal posts, I decided it was going to be a good idea to go through my tumblr blog from 2016-2017. Apart from the memes and feminist posts that I re-blogged because I was feeling angry and upset about Trump coming into office, I came across a bunch of quotes that I thought was the most insightful thing in the world when I was 16 (not to say that these things aren't insightful or that there is anything wrong with their content, it's just that I'm not absolutely mesmerized by it as I used to be). I then decided that I should log onto my tumblr and find the different accounts I was following that gave me inspiration for my writings and contemplations. I'll just note down a couple of examples so y'all get the picture of the types of things I was gravitating towards at the time. I think these kinds of posts were what shaped my concept of insightfulness and good writing in my mind. Given the content I was surrounding myself with, it's not surprising that there was a part of me that wanted to emulate this way of writing because of the ways that it resonated with me, even though this is not a way of writing that is particularly authentic to me personally. Then I remembered Savannah Brown and I remembered how she was probably one of the main youtubers in my late teens that really resonated with me and I binged her content. (also, before going any further I want to give some credit to @modmyth who reminded me of Savannah's content a couple months back and who had a lot of interesting things to say about the whole sad white girl phenomenon) Her content feels like the embodiment of the side of tumblr that I frequented at and as a result, a side to my personality from some point in the past. It was this side of myself that was tucked away between the hours of 1 am and 4 am back in 2016 that was only captured by my writing at the time and the handful of conversations I would occasionally have with people where we would finally have the courage to be vulnerable because it was crack head hours and we were on a sleep deprivation high. I would characterize this side of myself as insightful but somewhat fake deep (mainly because of the way I filtered my writing to achieve a certain poetic and flowery sound), melancholic and somewhat self deprecating, pensive and somewhat confused, and overall drowning in an existential crisis while trying to make it somewhat metaphorical and beautiful. Alternative to what tumblr will have people believe due to lack of representation aesthetically, being angsty isn't a white people thing. While I can't speak for other communities, I can say that being angsty is a pretty common phenomenon with South Asian people due to things like generational trauma. In a nut shell, I feel like a lot of south asian familes who immigrated to the U.S. and either had kids here or brought their children over when they were really young so as a result most of the kids grew up in the U.S. face a very large gap generationally as far as consciousness goes. Basically, you have a lot of the parents who are mainly blue (or blue/orange if you're lucky) and then you have most of the kids who are orange/green or straight up green. And that results in a lot of conflict and difficulty that can be pretty messy to figure out growing up. I feel like the relationship that the desi community has to angstiness is very different from your standard sad white girl who is having an existential crisis. White people angst is wrapped in poetry and philosophical thought around existentialism and nihilism (and don't get me started on how Eurocentric a lot of academia and philosophy is). There is this sense of romanticism that also occurs, often unintentionally but sometimes intentionally (dark academia anyone?) and next thing you know you have whole aesthetics built around certain distinct flavors of angst. With brown people however, I remember there was a chunk of time in my teens where I seldom found serious conversations in the South Asian American community regarding things like generational trauma. Instead, when topics like this would come up, I would often find them in the context of memes. I feel like there is a tendency of us laughing and relating to each other as a way to cope. However, I would say that in the last 4 years or so I have encountered a lot of pages where desi people unpack and discuss the issues in our communities in podcasts or desi people who work in mental health creating posts about how to deal with our specific issues. There is this analytical and sometimes clinical way of going about it. And, that isn't really surprising because a lot of the people having these conversations in a serious light are in their late 20s and older and as a result have little resemblance to say... the 17 year old theater kid who thinks they have the answers to all of life's questions because they read Hegel. The only example I could think of where a brown person has made their pain into something poetic is Rupi Kaur. And it wasn't that long until people started making memes from her content either (most of these weren't malicious or racially motivated rather they were pretty lighthearted and actually funny in some cases). The other thing that doesn't make sense to me when it comes to white angst is the whole concept of the rebel without a cause. Isn't that just acting out because you need help for whatever reason but you aren't getting said help because the adults would rather invalidate your experiences and write off your neurosis to *crazy hormones*? Or more simply put, isn't it just searching for trouble by often doing dumb and reckless things because of unresolved issues? The angstiest people of color I knew who were outspoken about their emotions and felt the need to rebel had a cause, multiple causes even. I don't understand how some people can be a rebel without a cause when there is so much out there that needs to be fought for. I suppose that when there is so much to be fought for that you don't have the time or energy to beautifully poetic, and delicately vulnerable in your pain. I think the most blatant example of this is the strong black woman trope. And when it comes to poor and marginalized communities, especially when it comes to people of color in developing countries, you don't have the time or luxury to sit down, contemplate, and make something beautiful with how you philosophize your struggle. You're lucky if your voice gets heard at all due to the way we prioritize narratives. You don't get the trope of the sexy rebel or the bad boy/girl either because people of color are already criminalized and because we simply don't have the same margin of error to act out without a cause. Then you have Lana Del Rey, basically the og queen of sad white girls. I did talk about how and why I was drawn to her music despite often not relating to the subject matter she sings about and I think it's relevant to this post as well: And speaking of having the time, the energy, and the lee way, there is this part of me that is incredibly straight laced and careful even when I'm angsty and done with life. I have so much generational trauma that I would rather sit down and really think through my actions before making a move than accidentally do something stupid which would result in more trauma for me to clean up later. I already have the problems my ancestors passed on, I don't need to go out and search for any more problems either by doing something reckless or mindfucking myself into oblivion by trying to decipher the unintelligible words of some old white man who had way too much time on his hands a 150+ years ago. It reminds me of this quote from Contrapoints:

@Illusory Self I don't see anything wrong with doing them for a short term basis with therapy because a lot of people really do hit some difficult times. In many cases, adding medication can be beneficial to the therapeautic process because it can help you calm down and settle your thoughts down so you can work through things more efficiently. Sometimes, not taking meds during therapy can be the equivalent of a nurse trying to heal someone in a battlefield. It makes more sense to take that person to a calm, safe place to effectively treat them in this analogy and it's a similar case to introducing meds vs helping someone when they are all over the place without meds. However, I also think that it's important to not get dependent on them because it takes a while to wean off of them and because it's important to know how to self regulate and address any underlying issue instead of using a pill for a quick fix. Medication is a temporary thing to get you started on the path of addressing your issues imo.

Ok so I went even further back to my writing from when I was about 16-19. And I will say that there was some cringe for the most part I was pleasantly surprised. The Bad: When it comes to the cringe, I would say a lot of it came from a place of inauthenticity. There were things that I wrote during that time period that was clearly just me trying to be deep and trying to twist my words in a way that would be more desirable and artistic instead of settling for my natural voice in writing. There was also this one thing that I wrote which was a conversation me and this guy. He was an acquaintance of mine and we were talking about our views on love and relationships. At that time I thought this conversation was super deep and insightful so I wrote this down....... We were both some pretentious mf......... Absolutely insufferable Also to add to burn, in retrospect, while at the time it felt like a nuanced conversation, it didn't stand the test of time. This guy's point of view of relationships, though it sounded reasonable (a little cringe and cliche but still reasonable), didn't pan out that way and he has since went off the rails. Sure, my end of the conversation wasn't exactly a nuanced take and was short sided, but I didn't end up with a dumpster fire of a life by sticking to my instincts. The other cringe aspect that jumped out to me was what I generally found funny/entertaining. Maybe cringe isn't the right word but it was clear that I was a child when I wrote this stuff. A mature child sure, but a child nonetheless. The Good: Which brings me to why I was pleasantly surprised. I went into looking at my writing searching for things that were incredibly angsty and short sided. But instead, I found things that were pretty well thought out and actually made sense. Sure, some of my insights were a little half baked looking back, but that more so had to do with the lack of life experience I had at the time rather than a deficiency of critical thinking. Based on what I remember at the time I was writing those entries, I was writing a lot from contemplation and ideas I had throughout the day rather than things rooted in my experiences and the things that I have studied in school or independently. I was shocked as far as my quality of writing goes. The writing I did back then I would say required more effort for the same quality. For instance, me writing 3-4 pages for a personal entry would have taken me forever. Now, it takes me maybe an hour tops. I think it also goes to show how easily I connect to my emotions and how aware I am of my thoughts. I think back then, taking effort and time into account, I would essentially have to dig through more thoughts to bring up to the surface for an entry than I do now. Back then, these thoughts, feelings, and insights were much further below the surface and took longer to retrieve and express. I believe now it's easier because of the amount of contemplation and therapy I have done to heighten my self awareness. I was also much more succinct in my writing. I think a lot of it does have to do with again, not having as much to say because I have not digged inside my psyche as much. I would say that my writing now is much longer but is more detailed and is more thorough when I do cover a topic of my choice. I would say that it's clear that I come from a more informed place, both in terms of education and life experience. (also, I'm aware that me talking about *life experience* is still rather limited now but mind you there is normally a big jump between 16 and 22 as there should be). Finally, as far as angst goes, I wasn't really angsty back then. I was dealing with a lot with little resources and I had very valid problems that I had to work through (and that I did work through in time). I feel like this further reinforces the idea that I have on how it's important to treat children and teenagers like rational beings instead of invalidating their emotions and experiences either by saying that their issues are trivial and they are too young to understand, or to write off clear warning signs of mental health issues as being hormonal and crazy. The Weird: Because I have maintained a similar voice, style, and quality to my writing, there is a part of me that feels frozen in time in the way that a lot of things didn't fundamentally change rather they simply changed theoretically if that makes sense. I think this also mirrors my perception of my body image to a certain extent where I haven't changed much physically since I was 16. I feel like the main things that changed appearance wise for me between 16 and 22 is how I dress and do my hair. If you take that factor out and made me look at pictures from back then and now, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I know people who look back at old pictures from 7 ish years ago and it's like *aww I was such a cute kid and I was so squishy looking.* And honestly, I can't relate. I guess part of me understands why I used to get confused for someone older as a kid. Looking back at my old writing feels like the same phenomenon on a different medium. My writing very clearly feels like something I wrote as a kid because I knew the context for it but at the same time it presents the same as my writing right now. I guess the way that my writing feels parallels with how I used to dress back then while the way that my writing presents parallels with how I have nevertheless have looked the same all these years. Overall, whether I'm focusing on the bad, the good, or the weird, I find it satisfying to look back at my old writing to see exactly how my understanding of the world and myself has evolved. It feels like I'm watching the gradual progression of my frontal lobe forming. And I love that for me.

Femininity YouTube Channels Pt. 2 I got tired of writing last night and also the post was getting too long so I decided that I was going to split this off into 2(?) parts Rabbit hole #4: The Divine Feminine It wasn't long after finding the other few rabbit holes that I also fell into the spiritual side of things as well. It was the perfect overlap between the two different content categories I was consuming. Honestly, I don't feel like I really need to get into what the divine feminine is and how it manifests since this is a spirituality forum and people around here are aware of the hippy dippy side of things. Instead, I'm going to go into some creators I found that I really benefit from. I have talked about both Isabel Palacios and Leeor Alexandra in previous journal entries and while I don't actively consume their content anymore (aint nothing wrong, I'm just exploring different corners of the internet) I do sometimes gravitate back because they have really positive energy imo. And sometimes, you need that energy and you need a nice reminder to have a positive self image, to honor your needs an boundaries, express yourself and your emotions, and carry yourself in a way where you value yourself and don't settle for less than what you deserve. Just in general, I noticed that a lot of spirituality channels that really talk about femininity often talk about the necessity of slowing down, taking care of yourself, and healing from different issues. I mean, I know people here are pretty familiar with Teal Swan and her content but I did find a lot of her videos on femininity to be insightful. I really found her video on periods interesting. That video mainly talked about how you should honor that time of the month and take that time as a sign to slow down, reflect, work through things, and take care of yourself. She's definitely not the only one talking about this and how a woman's energy levels fluctuate with her cycle and how it is unrealistic and unsustainable to expect people, especially women to always be putting in a 100% all the time. I do think that the general consensus among women is how the time of the month is horrible and they are in resistance towards it (and understandably so), but I think there is something to be said about working with yourself and making the time it's own occasion with a set of self care rituals instead of working against yourself and expecting yourself to just push through this and get it over with. Do I think you need to make it a whole thing and bring things like crystals, divine feminine paintings, and shadow work into it? I mean if that's your thing, go for it. For me, it's more along the lines of being cozy, taking a hot shower, and lighting a few candles. I've basically tried to introduce things that would make that time of the month something to look forward to. And I think that has improved the relationship that I have with my body as well as my mental health during this time because I associate it with things that I like instead of only associating it with pain.

Femininity YouTube Channels Lately on TikTok I have been encountering a lot of people who talk about feminism talk about femininity channels and more specifically black femininity channels. A lot of the main critiques are on how femininity is becoming a performance, how adhering to traditional gender roles just to be respected isn't liberating because you deserve to be respected regardless of how you express yourself as a woman, and how this further reinforce the limitations that women have when it comes to authentic self expression. And these things have even more layers and baggage attached to it when you take into consideration the role of white supremacy and the way that women of color, specifically black women, have had their femininity come into questioned as a way to further oppress them historically. I don't disagree with these at all and I think these are very valid points. However, I wouldn't say that this was my experience entirely and I want to talk about that more. I would say that I have gained a lot from watching femininity related content but I did encounter a lot of bs along the way as well. My "feminine journey" if you will (god that sounds kind of cringe lol) started when I was about 15 or so. Up until then I was a huge tomboy mainly because when I was a kid, the whole "I'm not like other girls (NLOG)" phenomenon was presented as empowering because you were getting away from traditional gender roles when really there was a lot of toxicity around that mindset that people didn't start unpacking until later (I stg the NLOG trope was everywhere in the late 90s and early 2000s). I also had a mother who painted things that were traditionally feminine like doing your hair and makeup, liking the color pink, getting dressed up as something that was all about pleasing men and would go on about how people who engaged in such things were superficial and dumb (including men who embraced their femininity, she often makes fun of guys who even look feminine tbh). I realized that I had a lot of internalized misogyny in me and that also was impacting relationships I had with other women at the time. This was especially important because I started going to a high school that was 2/3 female. For me, exploring my femininity meant that I was going to get outside of my comfort zone as far as my gender expression went to explore a side of myself I didn't always embrace. It also meant dismantling my internalized misogyny. It really just started with me growing out my hair and trying to figure out how to dress in a way that I wanted to express myself as. I also started to wear wedges and heels on a regular basis because it made me feel really good and confident (that's a whole nother topic lol). In addition to my self expression, I also started noticing on how I was raised by both of my parents to be emotionally unavailable, how I dismissed emotions and intuition and didn't see the rationality in them, and how traits that are associated with femininity like being vulnerable and soft were seen as a weakness. I started noticing on how that was really toxic for me and that's where a lot of the inner work began for me. And then I started getting exposed to the whole spiritual side of things regarding the divine feminine. I would say that YouTube did play a role in the way all of this was unfolding particularly starting from when I was 17/18 or so. It was definitely the place where I was getting ideas and content and it led me down many different rabbit holes, some bad, some absolutely awful, and some actually pretty good. Rabbit hole #1: Alt Right Trad Wife Pipeline. I initially started out with Anna Bey's channel. I just noticed a lot of her old videos are private/deleted but basically I gravitated towards her because I liked her outlook on fashion in the way that in a lot of her videos talked about buying things with quality materials, how to know whether or not clothes fit you right, etc. Her videos are rather click baity for my tastes, but I remember binging her content for a couple of weeks out of morbid curiosity regarding how to be bougie. She does come off as rather judgmental at times but tbh it feels more entertaining imo (again, it's probably the morbid curiosity talking). Tiffany Ferg recently made an insightful video on the whole "looking expensive" trend that really articulated my thoughts on this subject really well. While I highly doubt I "look expensive" I will say that this side of YouTube has really helped me look put together to where a lot of people assume I have my life together. But next thing I know I was getting recommended with trad wife content. I would say the most notable would be Mrs. Midwest's content. I binged her content for a couple of days out of morbid curiosity because it seemed like a mess. And I think on some level it was really educational, not in a *this is the type of femininity I want to implement* rather it was along the lines of *this is what femininity looks like under white supremacy, Christianity and Eurocentric standards.* It was an interesting case study to say the least and I would even say that it helped understand where a lot of conservative white women were coming from and this helped me deal with some people in my really white, conservative university. Also, while I was trying to find my own sense of femininity that I did encounter quite a few really stage blue channels that were approaching femininity in unhealthy ways. And I would say that after watching some of these videos and critiques of these videos that I got much better at knowing what red flags there are that I need to look out for. It also helped catch when the algorithm was about to point me in weird directions as well and I think that's a good skill to have regardless of what you're looking into because it enhances media literacy Rabbit hole #2: Hypergamy This mainly consisted of a bunch of really small channels at the time (think less than a 100k) and I kept getting recommended these videos. It was really shady to say the least, basically the female equivalent to pick up. I want to emphasize that and how small a lot of these communities were before the incels get over hear and have shit to say. These sources really felt like they were painting this caricature of men and reinforcing as well as normalizing a lot of toxic behaviors on both sides. And just as a general rule of thumb when it comes to videos on femininity/masculinity and dating advice, regardless of who the target audience is, if the source in question is having this *men are from Mars, women are from Venus* mindset where they paint the sexes almost like different species along stereotypes and/or the source in question has a very low consciousness definition of what it means to be a "high value man" or "high value woman" RUN! A lot of these sources aren't going to give you good insight towards human behavior as a whole and if they do have something insightful to say, it's going to be wrapped with a lot of bs that you're going to have to carefully weed through. I talked about some of this before in a thread I started about understanding pick up a while back: Rabbit hole #3: Black Femininity YouTube When I started being more mindful of the white supremacy that was hidden in femininity content, YouTube started giving me a lot of content from black creators. I would say from my observations, that a huge portion of femininity content on YouTube in general is geared toward black women in mind as the targeted audience. I thought this was a very interesting phenomenon. Before I get into this, I just want to say that even though I am a woman of color, there is only so much I can understand about femininity in black communities because I lack direct experience. So as a result, I have these observations in these videos I was watching and I knew some context given how I have tried educate myself, however I lack sufficient amounts of personal experience to really have an insightful take. I found this to be a mixed bag given the content my algorithm pushed. I found some sources that were vaguely racist and that would really pick at some insecurities I know are present in women of color (especially black women) in their communities. Some examples would include talking about how some women are too loud and how really long acrylic nails are unfeminine. While these things by themselves don't seem like much, when you look at the context, there is a racial undertone that is there. I found these video critiques to be really valid At the same time, there were also other sources that came in with the mindset of how femininity needs to be redefined by women of color, how there were many different ways of embracing your femininity, and how women of color need to reclaim their femininity in the face of a system that doesn't take their femininity seriously and expects them to embody this archetype of the "strong black women" instead of allowing the expression of hurt and vulnerability. It's about setting boundaries with yourself and others, not settling for subpar romantic and platonic relationships, allowing yourself to ask for help, and reclaim the softness that you were discouraged from embracing because it seemed to threatening. I used to really binge Asha Christina's content. I think for most people it's a good foundation regarding defining and exerting your boundaries/standards, assuring that you stay / seek out respectful situations, knowing when to walk away from situations that don't serve you, and not making excuses for people. I have since stopped consuming her content because I found myself outgrowing it because even though her content is a really good foundation for people who are generally clueless when it comes to dating, it can be rather rigid tbh. Overall, a lot of healthy orange with the general limitations of orange. I really like The Feminine Fancy's content as well. I find her personality to be really refreshing and I love how insightful she is about a variety of topics that I feel are things that a lot of people that deal with but from a more feminine lens. To me, she has a really good balance with content that is fun like fashion and design but also really perceptive when it comes to talking about things people deal with in their 20s. Overall, I like her content because I really like her energy. Finally, there is Karine Aloude. When I first found her content, I thought that she had a really diverse idea of femininity. I discovered her through her femininity around the world series where she talked about how femininity shows up in different parts of the world, issues that women have to deal with internationally, and different perspectives on femininity by looking at different traditions. However, she has since taken down that series mainly because she was trying to do a video on South Africa and things started getting messy as far as different perspectives and the political conflicts in that area. And while her content was never problematic, she did come out and say that there is only so much she can know by talking to people and studying without direct experience. She also does analysis on people and characters where she looks at how their femininity shows up in a very individual and personal way as well as lessons her viewers can take to develop a healthier relationship to their femininity. Overall, I love how she doesn't paint femininity in a broad stroke with a lot of hard and fast rules.

The Soulmate AU I wrote a post about Coffee Shop AUs in fanfiction and how that relates to the way that I view my romantic life. I also keep running into these posts on tiktok where people joke about how your favorite fanfiction growing up trope says something about yourself. Some common romantic tropes include enemies to lovers, childhood friends, coffee shops, and the accidentally sharing a bed awkwardly that eventually turns into waking up into each others arms trope. The soulmate trope usually along the lines of when you finally meet the one you finally start aging or seeing in color, or you have a certain mark on your body and your soulmate also has the same mark, or you're given some kind of count down until you meet your soulmate etc. And I know these people are joking but sometimes tiktok has this thing where the algorithm knows me too well to where I'm just left feeling personally called out. A lot of the people who would joke about the soulmate AU talk about how people who had this trope as their favorite growing up probably thought that people would never love them unless there was some type of divine intervention that would make things like this fated. It's that and needing a sense of predictability in their love lives as an indication of knowing when they have met someone who they have a healthy relationship with. And I think that checks as someone who has a hard time imagining people seeing me in a desirable light and prioritizing me romantically as well as someone who didn't grow up with a good representation of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. I also think my attraction to this trope when I was 12 foreshadowed the way that I currently use astrology and tarot as a coping mechanism since I have no idea where my life is currently going. Also, this is a tangent but currently I'm sitting in a coffee shop in my home town because I went back home during Thanksgiving. The place where this coffee shop is located is in the historic district of this small down and currently it's all decorated for Christmas. I lowkey feel like I'm in a Hallmark movie where you have a female protagonist who lives in the city, who has come back to their small town for the holidays and who eventually is just hanging out in town when they meet a guy they like (who is probably a childhood friend and/or someone the main character hates initially) and who makes them slow down in life and appreciate the small things.

My View of Long Term Goals I wrote this in my post about why I am drawn to astrology and tarot and how that relates to my self development journey as well as my growing impatience with long term goals: I feel like the delays I have come across with reaching my goals has resulted in me not being phased by taking 3+ years in achieving a goal. I would also add the delays with my college experience and how the environment has made it feel like it dragged on even longer has also contributed to this as well. I think me actively and consistently working towards long term goals have made them seem much less intimidating and there is a part of me that is ok with delayed gratification (granted that they are simply delayed and I know they are coming rather than they are delayed for an unnecessary amount of time). I would also say that as someone who is probably going to graduate college in the next year or so, that there is an appeal of having the next 4-10 years of your life mapped out. I wrote about this in another post in this journal not too long ago: And I guess I'm writing about this because I find this shift to be really interesting. I remember not to long ago when I was 18 or so (or just in general in high school) that I would look at people who are doing grad school or just in school for a long period of time and thinking *how tf do you just stick to that and why??? Like don't you want to start your life and just get school over with????* I remember feeling so much resistance to this idea because in my mind it seemed so grueling but now the dynamic flipped to where this almost feels like the path of least resistance. While I do think that viewing this as the path of least resistance can come from a place of dysfunction where you don't want to deal with uncertainty in your life and want to follow a predetermined path of sorts, I think it's also coming from a healthy place where I'm more comfortable with setting long term goals for myself and following through because I see the benefits of long term goals. I can more easily recognize the importance of how quality long term goals can help you develop a sturdy foundation and structure in your life, how it can guide your values and decision making, how it can give you a sense of meaning, as well as how consistently working on something in a constructive way can give tangible results. I also don't want this post to be me shitting on my past self either. Because it makes sense as to why she would think this way. Asking my 16 year old self to envision working towards a goal like med school for 8 years or imagining my 24 year old self is the equivalent of asking me right now what I'm going to be doing with my life in my mid 30's. It's like half a life time away. I also feel like developmental power dynamics also play a role in this where the distance between 16 and 24 seem much greater than say 21 and 28 even though with the later gap, that's still a significant difference. Like me thinking about my late 20s doesn't seem as scary or unthinkable so long as I don't factor in things like kids and marriage into the picture (which I have decided since a long ass time ago that I wasn't going to worry about until I'm in my 30s). And I think it's easier for me to not factor in those things when I think about my late 20s because we're currently living in a time where the average age of getting married and having kids have gone up within a generation. Instead, I'm trying to think of other long term goals and the idea of starting something now, being consistent at it, and ending up with something pretty damn impressive in 6-10 ish years doesn't seem all that outlandish or intimidating. So basically, I think this mindset is a product of holding long term goals, growing up and having my perception of time change, dealing with a lot of delays in my life and learning to deal with it, and a result of where I'm currently at with my life.

@lxlichael glad it helped

I found a really good video about hypersexuality that I thought would be perfect for this journal. I have journaled about this topic in the past and I don't have much experience with this topic but nevertheless find in interesting and I think it's really important to be educated about:

Really liked this video. It's something that resonates with me now and that I can see resonating with me more in the future.