soos_mite_ah

I have and it's so incredibly helpful. I went in with a general issue which was to deal with the abuse I experienced as a child. Under that general issue, I had a lot of smaller, specific issues that I wanted to address ranging from building up my self esteem, focusing on school, coping with grief, healing my attachment style, setting boundaries and more. Therapy has given me a place where I can vent about my issues, whether they are things in the past or present, in a safe place without causing additional strain on my friendships. Don't get me wrong, their support is great and being emotionally open is important, but always going to them with heavy topics can weigh the relationship down. Once I started therapy, instead of constantly venting to other people, I had a designated professional listen to me once a week. Delegating my emotional intensity to a therapist opened up more room for more lighthearted conversations with my friends where we were having fun and relaxing. Going to therapy is also good because you have someone else questioning your biases for you so you don't go down the wrong path when you are contemplating something. It's a nice check to keep you accountable so you do what you need to do as far as coping skills go and so that you come up with valuable insights. I would also highly recommend journaling and studying the issues you are having problems with prior to your sessions and in between sessions so you can get the most out of therapy and not waste your time. For example, I know that I am dealing with childhood emotional neglect so I went ahead and watched a bunch of videos on it, took notes on things that resonated with me, and noted down instances in my life that caused the issue to manifest. This is something that is probably a bit much because I'm meticulous when it comes to these types of things, but my first exposure to therapy was through my college's health center. They only have a max of 8 therapy sessions per year. Before starting school, I made a word document that was 30 pages long on all of the abusive instances in my life, how it makes me feel, what issues it's causing me currently, and how I'm trying to deal with it. I unpacked each of those things in therapy and having that written down helped me stay on track and know what exactly I need to talk about. It streamlined the process significantly.

@PurpleTree There are some black women who believe that they can avoid dealing with racism by either dating within their race or dating other POC than compared to dating white men. White women don't have to worry about being degraded for their race in the same way. I don't think WOC who think this way are racist, rather I think they are naive. You can still deal with a lot of racist and sexist bs from people from your own community. You can't avoid racism by simply avoiding white people.

@MuadDib But what if you fucking up has less to do with you experimenting with different careers and more to do with issues in your personal life? Sometimes I feel like the things I have gone through, even if I have gained soft skills from them, don't really count because I shouldn't be so neurotic to where I would be struggling in the first place.

Terrible Boomer Career Advice Here are some terrible pieces of advice that my dad, a boomer who hasn't applied to a job since the 90s and has been self employed for 20+ years, gave me that I think might be contributing to my imposter syndrome. Some of it isn't even due to him being a boomer rather it's probably him saying things to the extreme because he's reflecting his personal problems: Never advocate for yourself. Bend over backwards for your employers. If you don't do these things, you won't ever rise up the ranks and you may get fired. Don't have any boundaries at this age because your only priority should be work since you aren't married with kids yet. Shut up, do as you're told, and do everything ahead of time because if you don't deliver results as quickly as possible you will be fired. Go apply to jobs door to door to show people you're a serious applicant. Never apply to jobs online. Also, follow up with people by calling them over and over. You better stay at a company for at least 5 years and if you are loyal to them they will be loyal to you. If you stay for shorter, you are a job hopper and no one is going to trust you even if this was a summer job or internship. Don't ask for anything for the first 10 years. You aren't worth anything. The work experience you have had means nothing. Your school and field of study means nothing. You have no skills or experiences you can talk about and you're nothing but a liability. You are lucky to even have employment because why would they want to hire someone like you. Don't expect anything over $15 an hour. You are barely worth minimum wage when you graduate college and if anything, minimum wage should be abolished. Don't expect any benefits either because you aren't worth it at this age. Don't get prideful and start asking for things. You aren't degrading yourself when you do a lot of work for little compensation. You are showing them that you are a cooperative team player and as a result they will compensate you accordingly years down the line. Stop expecting instant gratification. And while I know these are terrible pieces of advice, I still don't know what is considered normal professionally. Like I don't know what is a normal amount of compensation I should be expecting with my skill level and I know this is causing me to undersell myself and not actually go after things that I'm probably qualified for. I'm in a very impressionable position since I've never had a career and I don't know how most of this works. There are some very obvious things that are bs such as never apply to jobs online and keep calling people to follow up because from experience (this man made me go to people in person and ask for applications and had me embarrass myself when managers would look at me crazy and tell me to apply online). But when it comes to figuring out how much I should be paid, what kind of benefits are standard, setting boundaries and advocating for yourself in a professional setting, I'm completely lost because I don't have much of a frame of reference. And these conversations overall leave me feeling kind of worthless and like my efforts are futile. It leaves me feeling like I don't have a future and that I won't be able to have a decent quality of life or be able to support myself. It even makes me not want to apply for anything because why bother if I'm not qualified in the first place.

I mean, those aren't equal/interchangeable. White women often fetishize black men and use them as a way to rebel against their parents. You also have the whole porn industry fetishizing this dynamic as well as prior history. A lot of black women feel that there is a sense of safety that they would get from dating a man from a similar background and on top of that, a lot of black women are shamed for interracial dating. Because once they date a man who isn't black, suddenly people in her community (usually the older people) talk shit about on how "this girl thinks she's too good for black men" etc. I mostly agree with this with the exception of the whole lost causes thing. I think if you examine your biases, understand how they are formed and where they historically come from, and heal from your own internalized self hatred that you should be good. I'd be careful with this since mixed people do tend to be fetishized because of how people think they are "rare", "exotic" , or "genetically superior." This type of language also reminds me of how some people try to have mixed babies because they want pretty kids but when you ask them to explain this, they end up sounding like they are talking about their own dating preferences. It's hella weird. You can acknowledge inequality without it turning into a limiting belief. If anything, acknowledging systemic issues can help a person from internalizing their problems which would've led to limiting beliefs. Depends on what angle you're coming from. I don't know your situation but for some people this can come from a fetishization lens.

Also, another thing that I want to add is that hyper-independence is often times a trauma response that happens to people whose needs have been ignored for so long that they cope with minimizing their needs or refusing to ask for help. In a lot of these situation, these people end up making an identity out of not being needy to where they end up neglecting their emotional, social, and mental needs. I think some people can also run into this problem in spiritual circles in the way some people can get attached to detachment as a way to bypass suffering. Because it feels like it would be easier to detach from a need than to be vulnerable and ask for help outside of yourself.

I agree with this. To a certain extent, I think this mindset has a lot of parallels with the mindset of "the one who cares the least is the one with power in a relationship." Like, power, having the upper end, or "winning" should be nonissues in healthy dynamics imo. I also like your last point on how intimacy needs neediness. Being able to express your needs in a healthy way is crucial in being vulnerable and opening up to get to know someone. Overall, I think the skill that needs to be mastered is to be able to differentiate between being needy vs having needs.

Birthday Blues There is a wave of depression that hits me around my birthday every year usually starting a month before my birthday. I have a lot of baggage around my birthday and I just wanted to vent about that. My birthday never felt like my day. First of all, my mom and I have the same birthday. We never had a good relationship and I don't like having to share my birthday with someone who caused so much pain in my life. She also always makes a fuss about the day, yells at service workers, and nit picks at what I'm eating when we go out to eat for the night. I also always feel like I'm being forced to celebrate. I'm always feeling depressed during this time of the year and instead of my parents trying to empathize with me and hear me out, they try to force me to celebrate and then yell at me and call me ungrateful when I'm not faking a smile perfectly. The celebration feels much more about them in the sense that if I had a lowkey birthday that they would feel like terrible people. But when I voice what I actually want, then I'm the weird one and there is something wrong with me because no normal person would be down on their birthday. I'm also forced to be with my toxic family during this time. This year, my anti vax aunt and uncle are pissed because I didn't celebrate my 21st birthday with them. I mean, this time last year was when the pandemic was peaking and we didn't have the vaccine so like.... I was trying to make sure we were all safe... But yeah, because of this my parents are like "it's your family obligation to spend time with us on your birthday." Then there is how there is always a ton of religious stuff going on during October. Basically, from the end of September to early (sometimes mid) November, is the holiday season for Hindu people. Having your birthday around Diwali is the equivalent of having your birthday on Christmas so I get the whole *hey, this present counts for both holidays* thing. That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is how growing up I could never celebrate my birthday around my birthday because every time I would try to invite people, they would have plans. So most of the time I would celebrate at November. One time my birthday even got pushed all the way back to December. And because of the amount of stuff happening during this time of year, most people forget about my birthday anyway. My birthday is a reminder of all of the years I wasted being depressed. I had 2 suicide attempts around my birthday. One was the day before my 16th birthday. That year basically marked me being depressed for over half my life and I didn't want to continue living if it meant my life was going to continue on like this. The second was around this time last year. I ended up in the hospital and I had to put school on pause. I was finally starting to live my best life and get out of this only to be dragged back into living with my parents because of the pandemic. It sometimes feels useless to try to get better. I don't feel all that better compared to last year. Sure I don't want to kill myself but I still feel depressed, anxious, and exhausted and I'm not sure if there are any good things in store for me. My birthday basically makes me think *great... another year has gone by with me being miserable. How much longer do I have to hold on like this?* My birthday reminds me on how I'm not living a normal life, how I'm not living up to my own standards, and how I don't have friends. I feel like most normal people expect that you have plans for your birthday. Whenever that question comes up, I just don't have an answer because in most cases, I just want to be left alone during my birthday. I don't have that many friends who I feel like I can celebrate with. I also feel like I don't have a good enough social life. I feel like most people reminiscent on all the fun memories they made with their loved ones during the past year and I just don't have many of those memories. I don't mind having a few friends and spending most of my time in solitude but I feel like when my birthday rolls around, I feel like I simply didn't do enough. It's also just like how I feel like I haven't achieved enough each year. I feel so stagnant in my life and I feel like I'm not growing up. A lot of this goes back to the whole imposter syndrome thing I wrote about in the previous post. Also, my 20s actually feel like a thing now. And that freaks me out because it feels like my 30s are going to creep up on me and that is like a scary age to me. I know this isn't the healthiest outlook but I feel like there is this pressure to basically live out your whole life in your 20s and how this is the decade where you're supposed to have an amazing career, have a house, a solid social circle, a husband, maybe think about settling down and having kids, travel, be hot, achieve a shit ton of things, and basically be a full fledged adult with their life sorted out etc. I think a lot of it has to do with the boomers because economically, doing a lot of these things were feasible whereas things are simply not the same now and people are taking their time with these milestones. There are a couple of videos that I really like on this subject: My birthday also remind me aging and as a result mortality which then leads to an existential crisis. At one point, my 20s were also a scary age. I remember having this pressure to figure out what I wanted from life and what my priorities were in my late teens and have this plan of how I'm going to be full fledged adult. I also felt like I didn't have much of a margin of error and that any mistake I made could set me back like a decade and that's a decade lost of me not living my fullest life. I think a lot of this had to do with late stage capitalism and how the older people basically started nitpicking at the ways young people lived their lives and dealt with money instead of addressing systemic issues. And to still not have my shit sorted out now freaks me tf out. Then there is the whole pandemic and how I had to take time off of school messing with my perception of time. Basically, it can be summed up by this: Like, I don't feel like I'm about to turn 22. I still feel a few months into 20. And it feels like I wasn't able to start my life and instead I acquired a new flavor of crazy after sorting out my issues from my childhood. I also feel like I really let down my 18 year old self because of how these last 4 years went. I was supposed to be senior this year and I wasn't even able to do that. And it isn't even because my priorities are messed up or that I made a ton of bad decisions. Life just kind of happened. Like I remember at that age telling myself that I'm going to prioritize having quality relationships, pay attention to school but not get consumed by it, travel, let myself growth from and experience life, and over all have this well rounded college experience. I had the right idea and what I valued hasn't changed. It wasn't a lapse of judgement rather it was a lapse of circumstance that cause these thing to not come true. And that's something I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of going through life not really living, not because I don't know how to live or because I have shit priorities, but because life just happened. I'm not saying this as someone who is afraid they aren't taking control / responsibility of life and they are just letting things happen to them. Rather I'm speaking as someone who is taking responsibility and is putting in the effort to build something sustainable but there is always a chance that something completely outside of your control can come in and take everything from you. I make well thought out decisions because I don't want to waste my time prioritizing something stupid and instead I want to maximize the amount of fulfillment I get while I'm alive. And given how things have gone so far, I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my life.

Imposter Syndrome I am empathetic, well thought out, disciplined, able to stick to projects long term, good at weighing risks, skilled at analyzing systems and cultures, and a strong writer. I’m independent, resourceful, patient, self-aware, good with people, and good at dealing with different perspectives. These are all things that would be beneficial to a work environment. But I can’t talk about these things? Why? Because I didn’t get these skills and strengths from challenges in an internship or work experience. I developed these qualities from being in an emotionally abusive household and healing from generational trauma. I developed these qualities by coming from an underserved community and being forced to adapt to a predominantly white university where most of the student body is more well prepared than I ever had the chance to be. I developed these qualities by dealing with my own physical and mental health crisis during a pandemic where I was forced to go back to a difficult home environment. Grappling with these challenges is where much of my time went towards during my time in college. How the hell am I supposed to talk about any of these experiences in a job interview without seeming like a victim and without seeming like a hysterical brown woman. I wasn’t able to be an RA, a TA, a researcher, or a leader in student organizations. I wasn’t able to study abroad nor did I secure a part time internship for more than a summer. Hell I wasn’t even able to make a solid group of friends because much of my time went towards taking care of myself and keeping my mediocre GPA together. And while these things might seem like high expectations, I often feel like it’s the bare minimum of what I must do to even secure a decent paying job that will give me things like health care and decent vacation time. And because I fell short of this because of the circumstances in my life, I’m afraid that it’s going to set me up for a lot of struggles for the early parts of my career. I have the skills and abilities. I just don’t think I can say much about them because they aren’t on paper. And this hurts me so much because my greatest accomplishments are things in my personal life rather than anything remotely professional. I feel like all this work that I put in myself, though I have gotten a lot from it from a better quality of life to a personal sense of fulfillment, this work isn’t exactly something that I can show off externally. And because of that, all of this emotional labor goes unrecognized and unappreciated. On the surface, on paper, I look like I didn’t do much with my college career. But I know that what I did was the best options for me and that it’s laying a foundation for a much better quality of life emotionally and spiritually for me and anyone who comes after me. I don’t think I have room to negotiate anything because I don’t feel qualified for most positions anyway. I don’t have years of work experience as I talked about before and I don’t have relevant experience. I have a mediocre GPA. And I don’t have the safety net of taking risks with negotiating because I can’t afford to ask for too much and come out empty handed. I have to take what I can get. And god forbid I get labeled as some young person who has unrealistic expectations because of instant gratification and get called out for “asking for too much” when I advocate for basic needs by some boomer who doesn’t get what the world is like now for young people. A lot of times I don’t even feel like I deserve to be at the college I'm attending much less in the business school because of how underprepared I was because of the lack of resources in my area. Apart from how I don’t socially fit in, academically I feel like the dumbest person in most of my class when really, I’m under prepared and I look at situations differently compared to a lot of people in my classes because my experiences and my path just isn’t like theirs. And sometimes I wonder if my professors are just telling me things to sugar coat my situation. And if that’s not it, I wish I could see whatever the hell they see in me because I sure don’t.

Coffee Shop AU I'm currently at a coffee shop trying to relax and because I haven't been writing as often as I normally do. There is something about coffee shops that brings out the hopeless romantic in me lol. I feel that the coffee shop AU trope is something that has a chokehold on me. despite the fact that I've never been super into fanfiction growing up. Basically this is a fanfiction trope where the fanfiction is set up at a coffeeshop and the characters from the original series are either a barista or a regular customer. Normally the barista/customer dynamic involves the writer's favorite romantic pairing from the original series. I swear, probably a sizeable chunk of the romantic scenarios I make up in my head before falling asleep take place in a fucking coffeeshop. In this post, I want to explore as to why that might be so. I DON'T EVEN LIKE COFFEE. First I decided to look into why this trope is popular in the first place just as a jumping off point to see what resonates with me. The reasons that I came across are the following: Millennials and Gen Z tend to romanticize urban environments and are broke so getting things at a coffee shop are seen as a small indulgence. Also, many people in these generations tend to work in service industries so there is that familiarity. Coffee shops are a mundane setting so it gives you the chance of imagining the characters of your favorite series as everyday people. It gives you a break from sci-fi/ dystopian/ fantasy novels and replaces it with modern realism. Many of the people writing these coffee shop AUs are high school or college students who firstly, may not be old enough to get alcohol at a bar or secondly, spend a lot of time doing work for school but instead of setting the story at school, coffee shops feel more relaxed and sexier. There isn't that much research a person has to do when writing a coffee shop AU so it's a very easy trope to pull off successfully. Some people blamed the show Friends for romanticizing coffee shops Then I decided to think about my own associations with coffee shops: First dates: I feel like suggesting to go to a coffee shop is my default response to first date ideas. It's casual and it makes things feel like there is less pressure (it isn't as formal as say being take out to dinner and it's cheaper too). Quality Time for Myself: I have mentioned earlier in this journal on how one of my main love languages is quality time. I find that taking myself out on a coffee shop date alone once a week keeps me sane and lets me check in with myself. Like I get dressed up once a week, take my laptop to a coffeeshop just to goof off on the internet. Basically the same shit I would've done at home, but dressed up and in public. Someone's got to be the hot mysterious person who looks like their getting their life together lmaoo. Just letting yourself be: This combines both the first and second point. I know that there are a lot of people whose ideal date would be going out and actually doing things (think going bowling or to the state fair etc.). While that is nice, for me, I'm not super romantic or super active so something mundane like just getting food or finding a nice place to hang out and just be is enough for me. Actually getting my work done: This is a relaxing environment for me so whenever I find myself wanting to procrastinate on my work, I just take myself to a coffee shop. First, it lets me get to a new environment and shift my focus. Second, I convince myself that I am actually relaxing so that the task at hand doesn't feel too awful. And third, it combines something that I don't really want to do with something I really enjoy doing so then that makes it easier to get the things I don't want to do done. It's like that Mary Poppins quote on how a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Getting my shit together: Related to the previous point but I just wanted to add on how the smell of coffee makes me think of getting my shit done despite the fact that I don't even drink coffee. Working in coffeeshops also helps me focus because my ADHD doesn't like spaces that are pin drop silent. I don't like coffee, I'm just here for the vibes lol. I just order my iced matcha latte, which is just matcha and almond milk, and call it a day. Again, someone's got to be the hot mysterious person who looks like their getting their life together. Also, I think this also coincides with my issues with competence and how one of the main things that I find attractive in guys is when they genuinely have their shit together. A place of hang out during the day and maybe meet new people: Yeah... I'm not exactly a creature of the night. Not to sound pretentious but going to bars and clubs aren't my thing. I don't like being surrounded by drunk people and I don't like loud places where you meet people but can barely have a conversation because it's so loud. Also, I feel like whenever you ask where to meet new people, people usually respond with bars and clubs, but then when you say you don't like alcohol, the answer changes to a coffee shop or a bookstore. While I have failed to secure a man in a coffee shop, I will say that I recently made a couple of friends there. So that's an accomplishment lol. Side note: I remember seeing a tumblr post a few months ago talking about how there should be late night coffee shops where you can go to pull all-nighters or go and meet people. Basically have it be like a bar but nerdier, more lowkey, and marketed to introverts. I guess there is something romantic about doing your own thing, minding your own business, and having a person walk into your life at the right timing. It feels romantic and down to earth at the same time because it isn't this huge fantastical let-me-sweep-you-off-of-your-feet grand gesture of a moment. It almost feels more realistic and more of a cozy setting. It's like opting for a fireplace rather than a firework.

@modmyth Trust me it's coming. I've just been intimidated by the topics I set up for myself and I find myself procrastinating taking my time to think things through. I also feel that there is just so much that goes into discussions around sex work, ethics, etc. that it takes some time to personally go through each perspective and see what resonates with you.

Or maybe your ego wants you to think it's an ego trick

Made another to do list since I crossed out a lot of the stuff from the last one To Do List 10/14/2021 Deal with your professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Getting help with this by talking to my professors and advisors APPLY TO A BUNCH OF INTERNSHIPS AND START EXPERIMENTING CAREER WISE. JUST START SOMEWHERE GODDAMMIT: Currently getting help with this and I have a few people to keep me accountable. I need to have this done by mid-November at the latest Deal with your body image issues: Still have this shitty tendency to pick apart looks Let go of that one crush that isn't super healthy. Start seeing yourself in a healthy romantic light since you still have some limiting beliefs around dating Figure out your sexual orientation: Honestly, I think I'm pretty sure what I am but there a couple things I want to talk about but these are uncomfortable conversations that I haven't felt ready to have with anyone yet. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I feel like my emotions regarding the existential dread has been laying dormant lately. Like I still feel it in the form of this heaviness in my body but I'm not actively emotionally engaged with it. Stop relying on astrology, tarot, manifestation to deal with your existential dread: Gonna be honest, I'm not much of a crystal person. At this point I just have some because I like shiny things. I guess I'm off to a good start lol. Start taking care of your hair again: I stopped doing my hair consistency during the pandemic and because I've been depressed/ dealing with too many other things to be bothered. I know this is a super small thing but to me it's a reflection of how I've been feeling and how I take care/prioritize myself. Start working out: Will only start this after #4 is sorted out A Wish List I see this as some things that I want but at the same time not super fixated on. Like for example, I might want a romantic relationship but I'm not going to be obsessing over guys rather I'm going to be unpacking my own limiting beliefs and work on myself and have faith that this will take care of itself since I am doing the actual work. I do believe that I have my intentions set and that this will come to me in the right timing and that I shouldn't obsess about and beat myself up for not have these things. See this list as me trying to ~~**manifest**~~ A solid group of friends A significant other A job/internship I have lined up and knowing that I will be able to support myself A stable almost somewhat boring life that is peaceful and will give my soul some rest for a little bit Travel Feeling nice in my body and/or having my ideal body

I swear, all of the women on My 500 Pound Life has a boyfriend and many little people have significant others. Attraction is highly relative. Yes and a lot of it has to do with issues regarding race, class, and patriarchy and how they can distort attraction. I wouldn't say that attraction is inherently unjust since most of the things that make it unjust can be traced back to social conditioning. Just be conscious of your own biases and pay attention to what you're attracted to and how your environment might be influencing you.

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: Bobby Deerfield I'd say out of the 3, I was probably the most disappointed by this movie. It wasn't the worst out of the 3 but it was disappointing because I had expectations lol. The movie is supposed to be this melodramatic romance and as someone who wants more inspiration for the romantic scenarios I make in my head before falling asleep, this seemed perfect. But upon watching the movie, in regards to Bobby and Lilian's relationship, I was sitting there like... tf did I witness? Ah yes, confuse the fuck out of the guy to get him interested in you and then die on him when he gets attached. Got it If I were to summarize the movie, I'd probably say that this is about a famous racecar driver, Bobby Deerfield, trying to deal with the existential crisis that is death while being incredibly stoic and emotionally repressed. He almost gets into a deadly car crash on the race track and this killed one of the people that he was racing with while horribly injuring another. In order to deal with this, he is trying to figure out what in his car, when hit the wrong way, can trigger an explosion. He goes to talk to the person who was horribly injured to get his side of the story at this medical center where he meets Lilian, a terminally ill woman who Bobby falls in love with. Their relationship to me was bizarre to say the least, A lot of it felt awkward. I think it would be somewhat of a stretch to say that Lilian came off as a manic pixie dream girl (for those of yall who don't know what this trope is, it's basically the trope where a quirky, usually either naive or rather traumatized, young woman comes into a male protagonist's life to give him a new outlook and to "fix him." As a far as writing goes, the manic pixie dream girl exists only for the male protagonist and doesn't really have much of a life of her own). Like I get quirky, but given how awkward Lilian's dialog was, it just feels so obvious that she was written by a man. However, I can's say she is a manic pixie dream girl because she doesn't exist for Bobby nor does she have any intention to "fix" him rather she has her own agenda. Then there is Bobby. I get that his whole character was supposed to be stoic and emotionally repressed but also, the writers don't do a good job on depicting the background of some of his behavior. For example, in the beginning, there is some mention on how he has a terrible relationship with his family and how that is somewhat related to his relationship with mortality. I was waiting for the movie to get into that more but it never does. Also, my mans seems more confused than anything (and I don't really blame the guy) but also the whole dynamic doesn't feel super reciprocal for most of the movie. The guy is just like *tf is up with this woman* and then goes along pursuing her. For a large chunk of the movie, it felt as though he was pursuing her, not because he liked her but because he couldn't stand his sense of confusion. And this confusion that Lilian was creating wasn't even in this seductive, mysterious way. The confusion was more so centered around the whole wtf factor. And I'm glad that Lilian calls him out on this when she says something along the lines that she isn't some type of puzzle to be figured out and that she just wants them to let loose and enjoy themselves. Also another thing that I kept thinking about is how for a large chunk of the time Bobby was with Lilian that he still had a girlfriend. Like even on the cuter scenes, I was still sitting there like MY GUY DON'T YOU HAVE A WHOLE NOTHER GIRL?!?!?! And when it comes to his girlfriend, I don't think her name was ever really mentioned. She doesn't have many lines and there isn't that much known about her. I feel like getting into her character and her relationship to Bobby would have made the movie more interesting and would have added some extra layers. Overall, the movie drags on doesn't do a great job in getting into the characters. I lowkey didn't even want to finish it if I'm going to be completely honest. This movie also reminds of this notion on how many "romantic movies" aren't really all that romantic and how they often normalize and romanticize unhealthy and obsessive behaviors. I feel like some of the movies and TV series with the best romances are ones where romance is a part of the plot rather than the whole thing because you see the characters get fleshed out more in different situations outside of their relationship. Not to be cliché, but I feel like life is like this too where to live an interesting and exciting life, romance can be a part of it (or might not be, that's ok too) but it isn't the whole thing. Because it simply isn't healthy or sustainable to wrap your whole life and character arc around one person regardless of how strongly you feel about the person. In the end of the day, it be exciting on screen, but if you use a couple of brain cells, you realize how chaotic that way of life is. Anyway, tangent aside, this movie was disappointing but then again, I can't say that I'm surprised. My mans was fine af though and the costume design people for the movie knew what they were doing because he had fits. 2.5/10.

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: And Justice for All Ok so lately, I've been on my straight woman shit. I've recently tried to watch The Godfather, And Justice for All, and Bobby Deerfield for no other reason other than the fact that I'm a thirsty bitch who thinks young Al Pacino is fine af. I'm going to be completely honest, I hated all of these movies. So let's get started on this post shall we lol.... And Justice for All is about a lawyer, Arthur Kirkland, trying to be an ethical while being surrounded by corruption. Everyone in the movie is out of their goddamn minds, including Arthur himself, but in comparison to the other characters, Arthur is probably the most level headed person there. Basically the whole movie is him being done with life because of the neurotic characters he is surrounded by and him trying to manage multiple responsibilities while being black mailed into taking a case defending the person who he despises the most. Out of the 3 movies, I'd say that I enjoyed this one the most (and by that I mean I would rate this a 3.5/10). I found myself relating to this character because while it isn't nearly to the same extent, I am pretty done with life and for a while I have been surrounded by a lot of neurotic people while juggling multiple responsibilities. But here's where the problems lie. This movie strikes me as something that is pretty dated (i think it was made in 1977?). The reason being the way the movie portrays women, people of color, and trans people. I'm going to talk about the writing because I'm not that great at critiquing performance. All of the actors seemed good at what they did as far as I can tell lol. Firstly with women. Most of the women were background characters. There were 4 women who weren't though. There was a prostitute, a rape victim, the main character's girlfriend, and a client the main character was defending (I'll get to that in a minute). Of the 4, the first 2 didn't have lines or a name. Gail, the girlfriend, was a part of a committee that was cracking down on corrupt lawyers. She and Arthur meet, they sleep together a couple times, and I think they're in a relationship? For all I know this could be a friends with benefits situation because the movie doesn't really have a build for the relationship. She just kind of pops up and is there. Granted this movie isn't supposed to be centered around a romantic relationship but when it comes to Arthurs friends and coworkers, there is more context regarding those relationships when it comes to how those relationships develop both on and off screen. Gail on the other hand, feel more like a plot device rather than a fleshed out character. She has a couple conversations to challenge Arthur's train of though on how to deal with issues he's facing in his workplace (and speaking of which, how tf do any of the characters have jobs!?!??! They're not functioning at all. I get it's satire but still). She's a symbol speaking for an alternate ideology to contrast from the main character in order to give the audience a different perspective of the situation at hand. The movie doesn't really go into her life all that much nor does it explore her character, much less her character outside the context of her relationship to Arthur. I think, especially given her job and the situations in the movie, she could have had a more active role with more scenes. Worst of all, there is a part of me that feels that Gail's character was used by the writers to prove the main character's masculinity. Because, given Gail's role in the plot, she could have easily been simply another one of Arthur's coworkers/friends or hell she could have been a guy and not much would have changed in the movie. Instead of a romantic/sexual relationship, this could have easily been a platonic/professional thing. The reason why I think Gail's character was written in this way is because the main character isn't as traditionally masculine. A lot of the movie centers around his empathy, the way that he treats people, how much he cares both about the people around him and his profession, and how emotional / sentimental he gets with his cases. A lot of these are traditionally associated with femininity. And I'd imagine that considering that this movie was made in the 70s, that it wouldn't do too well or appeal to a lot of people if the main character seemed too soft. And I don't think I need to repeat this but men tend to hold the sexual conquest of women as one of the things they need to check off in order to prove their masculinity to other men. When it comes to the people of color, pretty much all of them are criminals. I don't think I really need to expand on that point. Only one person of color even has lines in the movie. She is a black trans woman who got caught up in a bank robbery and she being represented by Arthur. A lot of her scenes were hard to watch because many of them involved being degraded by other men. There are a couple of scenes where she gets sexually harassed by men who she was in jail with. Those scenes were hard to watch. There are scenes where she is forced to take off her wig for both her mugshot and her appearance in court. I think those scenes were good in the way it articulated how the whole judicial process was degrading both for her and the other people Arthur was representing. Considering that this is the 70s and shit was a 1000x harder for trans people then than it is now, I'm glad that at the very least they depicted her in a more sympathetic light rather than outright villainizing her . The thing that really gets to me is how in the end, she ends up going to jail and she ends up hanging herself. I just feel like her whole character arc needs a trigger warning. The movie is about justice and how many people don't get it because of the flaws in both the system and the people within the system. Those who try to be ethical end up getting cornered into positions where not only is it difficult to make good choices, but there aren't many good choices to begin with. While all of that is in the plot, I would say that the lack of justice extend to even the people who were writing the movie and how they portrayed the characters. I'm willing to give some leniency given the time period this was written in but still.... it's.... ehhhhugghhh. Definitely would not recommend. The only thing that got me going to finish this movie was that I thought the lead actor was attractive. I'm surprised that I sat through an hour and half of this. Asexual me could never.

Sometimes I wonder if my situation is bad enough to warrant completely walking away and sometimes I wonder if walking away would make me a leech of some sort (because my family raised me and physically provided for me for all these years it's like at the very least I owe them to call and keep contact). Do yall know of anyone who walked away from their family and then grew to regret their choice years later?

I stole this idea from @tuckerwphotography but I'm curious on how the results of this poll matches up with the poll on the spiral dynamics stages. Plus, I feel like the 9 stages don't get talked about enough despite it being more specific and accurate for individual ego development.

Future Topics // Things I Have Yet to Talk About Alright... so it's been a minute. I haven't been on this forum posting as a I normally do but I'm back. And before I get back on my shit, I thought this would be a good time to look at the things I set out to cover and see where I'm at. I made a list a while back but I've added more things to the list since then and I've definitely talked about things outside of this list as well in this journal. I crossed out the things I've already talked about, I put some topics in gray because I don't really care to write about them, and I've bolded topics that I really want to take my time with before posting on here. My Relationship with Porn crossing this out because it's the next post I want to make The Diversity of Asexuality Thoughts on NoFap Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex Asexual Stereotypes Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation The Online BDSM Test Things and People I'm Attracted To still have more things I want to add on to this but I'm crossing it out because I touched on it Different Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability Music I've Really Been Enjoying (I feel like this goes along with "Art Work That I Really Enjoy", but I wanted another post lol) Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where I am Now in That Journey Reflecting on My Writing Thus Far: Findings from Writing in This Journal Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized Purity Culture On the stage blue post Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Kink Shaming My Fears Around Pregnancy Nudism Encountering Asexual Flirts Exhibitionism FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual Foreplay and Aftercare Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? Somethings I Want for My First Time Some body image issues that have flared up for me recently Using Your Love Language for Self-Care Recent Dates I’ve been on Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands Pole Dancing Lana Del Rey Sex Addiction and Hyper Sexuality Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex Unrealistic expectations and colorism I’m ugly and I’m proud We’re not ugly The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men Friend Zoning Art Work I Really Like My Thoughts on Monogamy The Sex Work Industry and the Ethics of Using Your Body for Profit Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really Sugar Baby Culture Does Sex Actually Sell?

I'd say that I really like Natalie Wynn's (Contrapoints) content and to a certain extent look up to her. Can't really say she's "my hero" since I don't know much about her other than what she posts on her main channel. However, I will say that I admire her way of articulating her thoughts, the way she uses empathy to create more nuanced arguments, and her over all analysis on different subjects. I would also add Leo but again, don't really consider him "my hero." I enjoy his content and how holistic he is in the way he presents different topics and how level headed he is on the topic of spirituality. His approach to spirituality and self development feels much more grounded than a lot of new agey people while still talking about similar subject matter. That's what pulled me into his content and I think it's pretty admirable. I guess a small part of me idolized him for a short period of time but I feel like after being on this forum, any smidge of that went out of the window. I don't mean that in a negative way per se but more so in a "ok he's just another guy prone to mistakes just like the rest of us" kind of way. I don't find myself seeing many people as my role model or hero so I always found that question hard to answer even when growing up. I feel like when you see someone in that way, there is that chance of falling into the trap of idolizing that person and turning a blind eye to their short comings. I think especially with the internet and cancel culture, for a lot of people who are younger (think gen z/ late millennials) there aren't a lot of heroes or role models because the people who would typically be considered heroes and role models, their whole lives are much more accessible and therefore you get a more holistic view of what they are like when the cameras aren't rolling. While people do get cancelled for a lot of stupid shit sometimes, I think this stage of development is important so people don't blindly follow people in the public eye by putting them on a pedestal and instead view these people as .. well other people. TLDR: I don't have a hero but there are a few people here and there whom I admire for certain traits. I can't say that I admire them since I don't know them personally, but their work does resonate with me and has caused me to grow and see the world in a more conscious light.

I would say green/ yellow. I went ahead and said green because I think saying I'm yellow would be a little too cocky lol.

Disassociation Not sure to what extent this post even makes sense since I’m running on no sleep at the moment but these are some thoughts that I’ve been having lately. I’m really freaked out on how disassociated I have been for the past 2-3 weeks. I haven’t gotten much work don’t (thankfully I didn’t have much work that I need to do) and I am able to go to meetings and such without being a mess. But I feel like I’ve been on auto piolet. Even in my classes, I’m not really there. Logically I can respond and do what I need to do but emotionally… there isn’t much going on. I don’t feel negative or positive, just numb and low energy. There is this weight that I have been carrying around and I guess I am performing emotional labor, but my mind doesn’t want to acknowledge the full extent of it so that I could continue trudging along. I feel like I unlocked a different flavor of depression. Speaking on disassociating, I’m really comfortable being on my own. Which is probably why I haven’t had the impulse to really reach out to people all that much. Because I’m on the go, I actually appreciate the time I have to myself whether that be me having a meal or me chilling in my dorm watching youtube videos. And obviously when I’m working I’m not socializing all that much because or else I won’t be able to focus. And next thing I know, I find myself alone like 90% of the time. I’m at peace with this and as they say, time flies when you’re having fun and minding your own business. But every now and then, this sense of dread that comes in. I wouldn’t quite call it loneliness as I don’t find myself longing for the company of others, but I say dread because it ultimately comes down to this. Am I living my life to the fullest or life just passing me by? And while when I’m on my own I feel the former because I like being present in my own company, sometimes I look at how fast time goes and think about all of the memories I’m not making and all of the relationships that I don’t have. The lines between living and existing starts to feel blurred. And when I’m sleep deprived, my mind then proceeds to go towards more self-deprecating thoughts. There is this notion of social inadequacy that comes up because of my lack of meaningful relationships though a lot of it is situational. I try to reassure myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me and that these things take time especially given the pandemic. But that goddamn lizard brain kicks in and starts throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old because it wants what it wants and it wants it now. And honestly, I would say that is a rational response on some level. It’s been a while since I’ve had a solid group of friends and I have been patient when it comes to “finding my people” for years now. And when you have to tell yourself to keep being patient and keep doing the inner work, it gets exhausting. You start to get impatient. It’s not that I’m not seeing myself make progress. I see it, but it’s slow and steady. I just thought that I would have finished the journey a long time ago but the finish line was moved a few times as new things that I had to work through popped up. Then there is how I haven’t been writing lately. That in itself isn’t the issue rather I think it’s a symptom. I think me not writing as often reflects my emotionally disassociated state in the way that I tend to reflect through my writing and since I haven’t been writing, I haven’t reflecting. And as a result, I’ve been on auto piolet. Just haven’t been having that many thoughts that I could write about since I’m not even fully here. And speaking of the pandemic, that fucked up my sense of time. I’m turning 22 in 2 weeks and I still feel just 20. The fact that 2020 would’ve started 2 years ago in a couple of months doesn’t really click. Time just froze during the pandemic. And even though I have taken a break from school and thankfully I’m not a senior, everything just came and went in a blink of an eye. It’s freaky. Not to be cliché but where has the time gone? I don’t even remember stopping to smell the roses even though I have records that tell me that I did. And since I’m on the topic of the pandemic, I know I’ve said this before but imma say it again. I’m so fucking tired of “once in a lifetime” events. Finally, of course, there is the fact that it is October. Just in general, I have a lot of baggage around October and this time of the year is always rough on me because I get reminded of a bunch of traumatic things that come up. I also have a lot of baggage around my birthday which I’m planning on writing about later. Especially because of the events this time last year, I really feel this emotional weight in the background of my awareness. There is a part of me that keeps thinking on what things are different and what are the same. I guess that lack of focus and lack of presence adds to this dissassociative state. Also, I think a lot of the emotions around this time is overwhelming and my brain is like “nope, we’re dealing with this later,” as a way of protecting my sanity so I can keep going.