soos_mite_ah

I felt like I need a sticky note for this journal. I haven't been journalling as frequently as I normally do both in this journal as well as in my main journal and I want to keep myself accountable since I have a lot of things I want to write about.

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: When He Treats You as the Stranger You Are I have seen a lot of dumb shit on the dating section of this forum. One of those dumb things is the whole thing about "putting on a player frame." Like sir, do you mean take situations in a regular place and not turn into a desperate clingy creep? It's the same as when people on this forum use the term "social calibration" as if being a person is some kind of rocket science. The overall thing that I think guys need to take from the whole concept of "putting on a player frame" is how you shouldn't do boyfriend level shit when you aren't committed to someone and when you barely know them since that can look manipulative and set up a not so healthy dynamic. I would honestly give women the same advice as well because when you get invested waaay too quickly before having a conversation with the other person, the consequences can range from being in a one sided relationship or codependent with someone where you don't feel appreciated all the way to falling into the claws of a narcissist. I don't know how many of the guys on this forum knows (or cares about this) but there is this thing that a lot of narcissists do which is called love bombing. That's basically when you do really romantic gestures early on to get the other party hooked on to you like crack and dependent on validation and then you start playing games with them so that they get addicted to the highs and lows you provide. It's a recipe for an abusive dynamic and I feel like a lot of women are aware of this to where they want to run away when yall are going too fast. Like.... you don't even know me like that, why tf are you getting me flowers before the first date and sending me long ass messages on how much you care about me??? I think the reason why I want to call this "treating someone like the stranger they are" instead of "setting up a player frame" is because I think the later tries to swing the pendulum from being emotionally clingy all the way to being emotionally unavailable to the point of potentially being disrespectful. I think it can also breed a lot of cringy behaviors as well. I've been on dates where guys have asked me personal questions about my sex life and then they went ahead to detail their previous hook ups or their body count. I get what they are trying to do. They are trying to make the conversation sexual so that it can lead to something while trying to puff themselves up by talking about how experienced they are. They look so corny and insecure when they do that and while I'm comfortable with opening up about sex and what I like sexually, I don't want to discuss that shit with a total fucking stranger who is trying to look like a player. And I will tell you this, when I text my friends about these awkward ass conversations, we're really just staring at the group chat like: When it comes to treating someone like the stranger they are, to me that basically means not being clingy (i.e. not coming up with super romantic gestures early on, having a life so you're not overly fixated on me, etc.) but also being pretty respectful (i.e. not trying to be this player if you aren't, being on time to dates, planning things together etc.). And because you two are strangers, ideally there is that detachment from outcome so you aren't out here trying to push some type of Nice Guy™ agenda or play some kind of stupid ass game. And i stg, it isn't that hard to decipher whether or not someone has honest intentions with you especially as you get older. And being this calculated often looks even weirder and creepier than if you were to let yourself be you authentically weird and awkward self. Overall, when a guy treats me like the stranger I am, I consider this a green flag. Not only does this tell me that this person isn't clingy or a psychopath but it also tells me that this person is self sufficient emotionally on his own, has a life, and is willing to take the relationship in a reasonable pace whether that relationship is something as serious as looking for a long term commitment or something casual like a fwb. And speaking on fwb, I have friends who have looked for casual relationships and I have been told from their accounts that it's pretty nice to have a first date where the person tries to get to know you as idk AN ACTUAL FUCKING PERSON before jumping into bed with them. Not only does this build a sense of chemistry that would be helpful in having a more satisfying hookup but I stg there is nothing that turns a woman off more than just a guy trying to rush and force his way into something instead of letting something naturally develop. I think this also translates into hookups as well where a lot of guys are so desperate to get their dicks wet to the point where they don't even take the time to turn the woman on and ensure that she's also having a good time. Anyway rant aside, don't rush into things. It isn't a good look.

Relational Trauma I think after talking about the goals I have for the year and how I feel about desire and experience that I'm in a good place to talk about this topic since I have some degree of personal groundwork covered for myself. After coming back to college, I had a roommate who I feel I'm really growing as a person with . This person is so gentle with me and validates my emotions, and is really supportive. Not only that but they keep me accountable and call me out on my limiting beliefs, not in a confrontational way where they are like "hey you're doing xyz wrong stop that" but more so in a "hey i know what you're going through is really rough and it makes sense that you think this way but you aren't xyz." And honestly, even typing the last sentence out made me tear up a little bit. I was in an emotionally negligent environment and while I have dealt with these issues before, given all of the things I went through during the pandemic and my health issues at the time, when you add emotional unavailability from your parents, I feel like you unlock a whole nother level of trauma. There is also a tiktok account that I found a while back which is called somymomsatherapist. She is I believe a professional marriage and family therapist who talks about dealing with relational trauma and discusses dating advice that comes from a limited place. She has lots of good advice but something that really stuck with me is how there is only so much you can heal in isolation. Yes, it can be beneficial to be single for a while when you are dealing with some issues like codependency, but when something is categorized as relational trauma, you need to rework your behavior patterns in a dynamic with another person and work at that like you would do a muscle. In other words, if you have been in a toxic relationship, it's important for you to get into healthy dynamics so that the patterns you got from the toxic relationship can be broken. You essentially have to recondition yourself. I think this roommate I have is helping me in this reconditioning process. I think people need to be careful in this type of thing and not go out seeking to find people to "fix you" rather it's more along the lines of finding healthy and uplifting people and keeping them in your life. It's also about opening yourself up to more positive experiences instead of feeling like you need to be in hermit mode until you get your life together. I wrote a little more about this a while back in my previous journal: This ties in with the post I did on desire and experience where I do have these limiting beliefs in myself and much of it is because of a lack of positive life experiences. It makes sense as to why I have the thoughts that I have, that's what my life experience up until now has informed me with. It's a reasonable conclusion for my lizard brain to make even though my conscious mind knows otherwise. And I think the last part is especially important because that means that the situation isn't so bad to where I'm a bottomless pit of needing validation and I can't identify red flags in people. I think if that were the case, maybe withdrawing a little and working on a solid foundation for myself to get that sense of clarity and discernment would be more appropriate. But as someone who already has that foundation, I think further going into hermit mode is doing a disservice for me because I'm withholding the positive experiences I need to heal the negative beliefs that are lodged into my lizard brain. Dealing with Platonic Undesirability Speaking of which, there is something that I have been grappling with lately. I have been wanting to reach out to my old high school friends a lot in the last couple months. I drifted apart from them like 4 years ago during my senior year of high school and a lot of it had to do with me naturally drifting apart from them and needing to go off an work on myself. I feel really intimidated by the idea of reaching out to them especially since I was the first to walk away and because I don't feel like I have my life together 100%. Also, this whole working on myself and getting my life together thing has been taking MUCH longer than expected especially since the pandemic has caused me to acquire a new flavor of crazy which kind of brought me back to square one after I figured out a lot of shit. I have all of these thoughts on how this might be too late to reach out or if they think I'm reaching out because I haven't had that much luck in developing a social circle in college and they are my last resort (I mean they aren't, even if this doesn't go well I still have other people to lean on). Also, the whole me not having a solid social circle has been something that has been giving me a lot of pain on and off for the last few years and a lot of it started with me leaving this friend group. But again, what if this is me withholding the positive experiences I need to heal? What if this is just another place where I carry this limiting belief that I need to have 100% of my shit together to deserve human connection? I talked about this whole situation with my high school friends with my roommate and that really helped me process this whole situation emotionally. I think that if I have this conversation with my old friends that at the very least I'll get a sense of closure that can help me further heal from this whole thing even if I don't end up reconnecting with them and becoming friends like we used to be. Dealing with Professional Undesirability I have found an improvement in my issues regarding imposter syndrome after reaching out to some people, talking through these things, and getting more accurate information as well as more resources from them. I also think that this semester going well has been important to me because I think there is a part of my lizard brain that's like *oh I guess we can school after all.* While I don't think these things have cured my imposter syndrome, I do think that these were important stepping stones in the right direction. I'm also applying to internships and study abroad opportunities at this moment. I have a meeting with a professor who is running and creating this internship program. I think he is an important connection to have and a really valuable mentor even if I decide not to go into his field (he taught my HR class in college, was a pretty cool guy). I've also had a couple of interviews for internships and even though they haven't gone through according to plan, it was pretty reassuring to know that employers do see some inkling of capability from my experiences. There is a part of me however that really wants to study abroad. I'm applying to the same program that got cancelled during the pandemic. I know I was really looking forward to that trip during my entire time in college so it getting cancelled was difficult for me. I think travelling to Japan would be really important for me as far as things like gaining a sense of independence and getting out of the U.S. goes. And lord knows I need a little bit of that because this pandemic has left me feeling like I'm an angsty 17 year old by the way this has caused my parents to basically keep me under house arrest. I think it's also important in helping me build that sense of confidence and capability as well. Finally, considering the fact that I'm likely going to graduate this time next year, it would be really helpful if I got a couple classes out of the way and this is also my last call as far as studying abroad over the summer goes. Dealing with Dating Undesirability and Issues with Body Image I think a couple of really important things for me to do here is setting some boundaries as well as changing my environment. First with boundary setting. I don't think it's healthy for me to be in the dating section of this forum or to look at certain threads. I noticed that whenever I avoid those parts of the forum that I tend to deal with my body image issues better. The whole rating women on a scale of 1-10 thing has been especially getting to me lately because I know that a lot of the scale has to deal with things like racism and classism. And considering the fact that I'm in a college filled with rich skinny white girls where a very narrow standard of beauty gets enforced, the whole rating women thing has been hitting harder than usual. I have noticed that when I'm back in my home town, or really anywhere except campus and the surrounding area, that my tendency to compare and self deprecate is much lower. I think that's a whole nother thing to unpack in another post but I do know that things like location and environment can greatly shape a person's dating experiences. I have written about this in a previous post in another journal: I think over all I need to get out more and go to places where I have things in common with people. I think it makes sense why it's hard to see myself in a romantically and sexually desirable light because that's been my experiences so far. But that doesn't mean I can't have more experiences that contradicts those previous experiences. I think I just need a change of scenery, not only geographically and socially but also in the way that I tend to live my life. I go into more detail on the post I linked above.

The cons/side effects can vary from person to person but generally speaking even if a person has side effects with one pill, they can switch to a different pill and that takes care of the issues most of the time. For some, including myself, the pill can actually be beneficial for things beyond preventing pregnancy. People who have hormonal conditions such as PCOS and endometriosis often find that birth control can regulate their condition. Though, because everyone's body is different, sometimes the pill can make it 10x worse.

I really want to create a blog and I came up with a really good name for it. Problem is, if I were to make it my domain name that it would cost me about $5000. I found another domain name that I can use that is similar and MUCH more affordable but doesn't sound as cool. Do you think I can use the less cool domain name for a couple years and then change it when I get the money? Is that possible? Would this have any implications to things like web traffic and how often people visit the blog? Should I just suck it up and wait til I have the money to do anything? Also, has anyone created a blog before and made their own website who would want to give me some advice regarding this?

what does it mean to have "thin content" and indexing? I'm just really confused by all of this lol Also, how do you go about monetizing

@Raphael There isn't anything wrong with being any of those things but as someone who is coming from an emotionally negligent household that tends to shame me a lot for basic human things, there is a lot of self deprecation and emotional acceptance that I find myself working on.

Parasocial Relationships First of all, I just wanted to say that I loved this video and I found it to be really insightful. I feel that it expands on a lot of thoughts I wrote about a month ago regarding on how parasocial elements impacts the skill of my writing and the boundaries I set for myself. I love her self awareness of the content she's been releasing recently and how she's trying to be mindful of potential parasocial dynamics. It really shows me as the audience that she's aware of the consequences of the type of content she's releasing and that she is willing to take accountability in the future if anything comes up. I also love the examples she uses regarding this topic from the NYC influencers that are coming up who greatly rely on parasocial relationships to build their platform to the Hoodie Allen situation of him really exploiting his fans which originally started with inappropriate boundaries regarding parasocial dynamics. I want to talk about the whole NYC influencer phenomenon in a different post but the whole Hoodie Allen situation with a bunch of young teenage girls fangirling over him, while I am not familiar with this person, the dynamic reminded me of the whole Magcon era from like 2013-2017. I never got into the whole hype around Magcon and a lot of it might be because by the time they were at peak popularity, I already aged out of the age demographic they were targeting. I honestly can't tell you what that even was... I think it was just a group of basic looking white teenage boys with little to no talent who had youtube channels that would appeal to their audience of young preteen girls. I also think Shawn Mendes was in this group but the guy was mainly in the background minding his own business doing his little music thing which is why I think he ended up being the most successful in the group because he was being super cringe and weird. And by cringe and weird I'm talking about how basically the whole thing with magcon was that it was gigantic thirst trap for young girls to project their fantasies on. While that isn't an uncommon phenomenon when it comes to celebrity culture, I remember this shit being next level cringe because the overall vibe they were going for was pretending to be the audience's virtual boyfriend (granted I don't remember that much and granted that my memories are probably skewed because there was a girl in my high school who was OBSESSED with these guys). I just know that this whole thing started to die down once Jacob Sartorius came into the picture and turned himself and magcon into a meme. As for my relationship with parasocial relationship, I would say that it is possible for parasocial relationships to manifest in a healthy way. I feel like to a certain extent there will always be that element with performers and the audience because we tend to gravitate towards things that resonate and speak to us on some level. I know personally I have this tendency to go through all of the content that I consume, reflect on the messages that I'm receiving, and choosing to switch things up a bit. I feel like this has prevented me from falling into this parasocial attachment because I'm switching things around and therefore it's rarely the case where I end up fixated on any one creator for more than a year or so. For example, about a year or so I did a whole series on my previous journal And I remember upon reflecting I decided that I was going to give myself a break regarding self help/ spirituality content and focus on other things that I'm interested in. I think taking that step back was really important for my growth as someone who was developing a spiritual ego and as someone who was getting attached to detachment. Speaking of gravitating towards different kinds of content given what you resonate with, I noticed that when it comes to parasocial dynamics that I tend to view that person's content as somewhat representative of a specific part of me, a version of myself that I can revisit every now and then. I did talk about this in my post on the whole sad white girl trope and Savannah Brown's content: I also remember seeing a TikTok a while back on how as people age they tend to not engage in fandoms in the way they used to when they were in their preteen and teen years. A lot of the comments on that video was from people in their early teens talking about how that sounds really sad and how you don't feel that certain amount of and the same kind of joy and attachment to your favorite books and tv shows as you grow up has to do with some kind of cynicism you develop in adult as you lose your lust for life. The original creator replied to these comments with another video where she expanded on how this isn't due to losing your sense of joy as you get older rather it's more so due to things like greater media literacy, awareness of parasocial dynamics, and more life experiences. As a result, you tend to bond with other people over shared life experiences and world views rather than simply deciding to be best friends because you like the same band. But when you're like 13, you don't have as many of those life experiences to go on and you're still building on your world view so basically you're simply working with what you have. And that is perfectly fine. Exploring your interests, defining yourself along side those interests, and seeking people out accordingly is perfectly normal and necessary at that age. Like it's normal and perfectly fine for all of the emo kids to hang out with each other just because they all like My Chemical Romance lol. But yeah, I found this take to be particularly interesting because of the way that it ties into my life and experiences with friendship. I feel like that can be another post of it's own tbh. As for how this relates to my parasocial relationships, I have found that lately (as in the past couple years or so) I tend to gravitate towards content where people are talking about their life experiences, whether it's in a very short segment on one of those reddit compilation videos or something longer where people talk about the ways whey are growing and evolving in life due to different life transitions. Not only does it give me something to relate to, but it's almost as if it further expands on the things that I have already experienced (or probably going to experience) and fleshes it out more through another person's lens. I especially find myself relating to Katherout's content in this kind of way. I remember finding her videos on her transition to leftism and the whole "I don't dream of labor trend" and a lot of it drew parallels with my own thoughts around my sense of purpose as well as my developing thoughts on politics. I also find myself really resonating with her whole oversharing in Seattle series where she's basically talking about settling into Seattle after living in the Bay Area her whole life. And while I haven't made that kind of journey just yet, I do see myself one day moving to a place where I don't really know that many people and growing from that experience. But yeah, I think when it comes to things on my end, both when it comes to the content I'm consuming as well as my writing, that the way that I relate to content is something to be mindful of so that it doesn't devolve into something unhealthy. While I never got in super deep when it comes to parasocial dynamics since I never had that obsessive fan girl phase growing up, that the way that I use parasocial dynamics for my growth is something that is evolving and is something that is very personal/ individual for me, and therefore it would be really interesting to observe and introspect on that.

I know I'm misusing the forum when I get into arguments with people who likely don't give af about my pov or when i read things in this forum that causes me to get into negative thought patterns.

Goals for Next Year: Where to Go From Here I decided to split the previous post into two parts since it was getting rather long with all the things that I linked above. As I've mentioned in my previous post, I'm torn between choosing desire or experience for the thing that I'm going to center my goals around. So, just to sort out my thoughts, I'm going to make a case for both. Desire: After reflecting on some of my weaknesses at the moment as well as the common themes in many of my therapy sessions, I have come to the conclusion that I have a hard time thinking I'm enough. I have trouble seeing myself as desirable on a platonic, professional, romantic, and sexual level. Lately, I have had a messed up eating and sleep schedule so as a result my self deprecating voice that is waaay in the back of my mind has been more toward the forefront. I catchy myself having the following limiting beliefs come up whenever I'm cranky: No one is going to like you if you are angry, sad or upset. No one wants to be around you because you're depressed and miserable to be around. Why tf would anyone want a romantic or platonic relationship with you? You're neurodivergent and no one is going to want to put up with that other than other crazy people. You're a menace to be around and no fucking wonder you didn't have a solid group of friends in years. No one likes you and you can pick at yourself all you want and improve yourself, but in the end, people are still not going to like you because there is something inherently wrong with you. You're waaay too fat and ugly for a relationship. No one is going to love you at your current weight. No one is going to look towards your direction and if they do they probably will approach you as a joke. *proceeds to compare self to every skinny person in the 5 mile radius and starts picking apart looks* Let's be real, no one is going to want to fuck that much less love that. God you're so fucking stupid. You aren't going anywhere in life and you don't have any skills that are of value. What? You did good this semester and you're going to graduate a semester earlier than expected? Well you're doing the bare minimum because the classes you took were your easy classes and you would have to be really fucking stupid to not do well. You were originally supposed to graduate in spring 2022 so the fact that you're going to graduate in the fall is you making up for lost time but just barely. While my lizard brain is going on a rampage, my prefrontal cortex is just sitting there like: *You're clearly stressed, frustrated, hungry and tired and there's no need to take this out on your self esteem. Also, iced coffee isn't a fucking meal you chaotic bitch. Go eat a vegetable, hug a stuffed animal, and take a nap in that order. I need you to STFU and talk to a therapist about this instead of ruminating and spiraling* But yeah.... that's the voice of my insecurities. I'm very aware on how neurotic and self deprecating all of this sounds. And I genuinely think that these limiting beliefs are really fucking with my life at the moment and stopping me from going after the things and experiences I desire the most. Not only do I need to see my own desirability and inherent sense of worth but I also have a lot of karma that I need to burn through regarding my own desires. In other words I have shit that I want to manifest. And speaking of which...... Experience I also feel like I missed out on a lot of fun experiences that could have made grow as an individual in a healthy way. I also feel like I need to get somethings out of my system so I can deal with my FOMO and salvage some amount of my college experience in the next year or so before I graduate. I think a lot of my issues with confidence and desirability can be resolved through positive life experiences. Because sometimes, especially when it comes to things like relational trauma, you really need have a handful of positive experiences to off set negative encounters (planning on doing another post specifically on that). But also, I'm really tired of being inside my head like this. I feel like I've over stayed my hermit mode phase because of the pandemic and the issues it has caused me. I really just want to go out there and live my life and grow in that way instead of sorting through trauma (don't get me wrong, that's important, I just want to switch gears for a little bit). I also think that this tangentially has to do with the whole *balance theory vs practice* thing. I also want to give myself room to fuck around and find out mainly because I tend to be really calculated and risk adverse and I think that some level of spontaneity would be really healthy for me. I also think that this can be a good way to give myself a break and some room to fuck up from all of the work that I've been putting into myself to develop into a well adjusted person. Like... I want at least a couple crazy and fun stories from my early 20s that I can talk about in the future. And perhaps, now that I'm writing all of this out, I feel like the whole desire and experience thing is really something that goes hand in hand rather something that I need to choose between.

Goals for Next Year: Past Reflections So I do this cliche thing every year where I pick a word to focus on and center my personal development goals around. 2019 was peace, 2020 was discipline, 2021 has been gentleness, and I'm thinking that 2022 should either be desire or experience from what I have narrowed down. Just a little recap since I don't think I wrote about this in any of my journals just yet. My focus for 2019 was peace because I was coming out of a very chaotic phase in 2018. I really dug through some traumatic events in my childhood, started getting help, and I also had a number of things fall through in my planning, most which had to do with college. I was really burnt out by the time 2019 rolled around and I really had to take time to take care of myself and my health situation because my brain decided to check tf out after doing so much work for years straight. Spring 2019 was difficult for that reason and I found myself sleeping for 12 hours a day and only having enough time to spend on keeping myself afloat academically and to talk to a couple friends. I wasn't depressed during this time. I actually was very at peace with myself. The only thing was that I was tired and I needed extra time to take care of myself. During this time I really reflected on what kind of people and situations brought me a sense of peace and fulfillment. I figured that this time of stagnation was necessary because it isn't super sustainable to go from having your life go from a down ward spiral to immediately going back up. Sometimes you need to flat line a little to recuperate, slow down, and figure out where you want to direct your energies. During Fall 2019, I got a lot of things together academically and started ease into this newfound peace and stability. Much of the burnout was resolved by this time but I still had some left over so I thought I'd take it easy. This semester went really well especially compared to my freshman year of college. I remember having so much hope when it came to my 20s and who I was growing into because I had this foundation of peace and stability I could stand on. I then decided to focus on discipline for 2020. I was in an emotionally stable place and I wanted to see what I could do with this foundation by really focusing my efforts toward a good work ethic and healthy habits. January to March 2020 was the happiest I have been. I was getting high A's in my classes, working out early in the morning, eating healthy, and I felt like I had so much energy that I could put back out there. I really felt like I was becoming that bitch. I was still a little burnt out and I didn't feel entirely comfortable with putting myself out there socially just yet because I felt as if I was still stepping into this new identity and this new stage of my life. I told myself that's what I was going to do after spring break. As well all know, spring break never really ended. We all had to move online because of COVID and I had to move back in with my parents. There was a lot going on at this time and I wasn't able to commit to discipline in the healthiest way. I was very harsh and self critical of myself. That combined with other things resulted in me having a full on mental breakdown and called attention to some underlying physical health issues I have been having all this time. So for 2021, I shifted my focus to gentleness because that was my biggest emotional need during this time. I needed to be gentle with myself emotionally, physically and mentally. I have a number of posts documenting my growth in this areas as well as my insights that I had throughout this year regarding this year: Also, while my goal to focus on discipline and integrate that into my life fell through in 2020, I found myself really making up for it this years as I focused on gentleness because of the ways that gentleness and discipline goes hand in hand. I have a few posts detailing that here: I will say that the slow and gentle approach to my goals has been the most efficient, the most effective, and the most sustainable way I have ever gone about my goals. Like the amount of patience I have built by slowing down and going at a gentle pace and the amount of discipline that I have gained by delaying gratification in the way to make something more solid has been crazy. I have been able to get my diet and my time management together as well as sort through my career and emotional issues in a good pace with minimal backlash. And I genuinely feel like I'm in a healthier and more grounded place because of it instead of feeling burnt out by the work I put in.

I just want to take a moment to celebrate the fact that I passed my language proficiency test and that I got straight As this semester in school. I will be graduating in Fall 2022 from college now that I don't have to take my foreign language requirement since I tested out of it. This is also the first time in forever that I did get straight As and that things went smoothly since lord knows my life has been a mess lately. I've also managed to make a handful of friends and get a couple leads regarding internships and jobs after college. Things are finally coming together, slowly but surely, and I'm so grateful for that.

I have this tendency where if I dont have anything I immediately need to do, I will wake up and lay in bed for about 45 min to 1 hour before getting up. Is this normal and if so why do I do this lol? Also, how do I reduce this time so I have more time to be productive when I wake up?

Also update: I noticed that on days that are cloudy I tend to be even more tempted to stay in bed for much longer because when it's cloudy I don't get any natural light in my room and as a result it feels like it's like the break of down (like 6 am or so) instead of it being later in the day. Also, not sure if this is tmi and kind of weird but I notice that I stay in bed longer when I'm in a more cuddly mood. Like often times, the first thought I have in the morning is how much I want to hug a person lol. Not sure if my lack of romantic life has anything to do with my emotional state first thing in the morning or if this is something that's just in my head but I thought I'd throw if out there.

@Yarco I'm not actively suffering with depression, I was just drawing an analogy. And yeah when I have something already planned like an early morning class, I tend to only roll around in bed for 20 minutes before getting up because if I miss class I will get points deducted from my grades. I guess it isn't a question of whether I feel like it or If I feel inspired to wake up in the morning rather it's more of an accountability thing. no I'm trying to figure out why I do this mainly from a curiosity stand point. I'll figure out my action plan afterwards. I don't make breakfast during the weekdays. I unfortunately got out of that habit once I went back to school. But I do have a brunch of sorts sometime at around 10:30 after my morning classes and right before the crowd comes in during lunch. Normally, I would have an omelette with some onions, red peppers, mushrooms, and tomatos mixed in as well as whatever fruit my school cafeteria has out that day and anything else that catches my eye. Ooohh this actually sounds really nice.

My morning routine consists of me waking up, laying in bed for an hour if I don't have classes first thing in the morning, checking my phone, brushing my teeth and washing my face, drinking some water, and doing my makeup and getting ready for the day, I would fit in about 5-10 minutes of just being present/meditating and then go on a walk for at least 10 minutes or so to get to where I need to go (and before going on the walk I make myself breakfast during the weekends). I also like to play music during this time entire time as well. I find that as long as I'm present and I'm not rushing through my routine that I'm pretty satisfied with it. I notice for things like journaling that I get more insights during the night and it's a nice way for me to wind down. No offense but this kind of sounds like how some people tell others that they are depressed and then the other people reply with *just be positive it's a choice.*

I started this thread with the intention to do so and to get some interesting insight as to why this might be happening. But if it turns out to be a nonissue, then not changing this is also an option. It's the whole saying of how you don't need to fix what isn't broken Granted things like being an advanced meditator might impact this but I still have a good dose of skepticism of needing 4 hours of sleep especially after coming out of a year long depressive episode. I'm not saying that this is your case because I don't know you like that, but I have observed with some people who have issues with depression for a long time, the moment they are out of it, life feels like the best thing ever because they have gotten so used to things sucking all the time. So then you have this drastic pendulum swing emotionally. And as a result, even if they aren't bipolar, it can trigger a manic episode of sorts and one of the symptoms of a manic episode is needing less sleep than average.

I don't think more rest = more laziness rather it more so has to do with a sense of inertia where it's easiest to do whatever you were doing immediately before. I think it also has to do with being attuned to your own needs and being aligned with what you really want rather than what will numb you. I have days every now and then where I'm tired and I want to watch YouTube videos all day and I don't find myself feel incredibly tired or drained afterwards because on some level that's exactly what I needed as a way to take a break from my otherwise busy life. Maybe as of right now, watching TV is something that you have exhausted and that's why it feels draining, because it's no longer authentic to you. And instead, being really active is what is aligning with you more at the moment.

That's interesting, I'll definitely have to check it out. I know some people who have the whole aversion to being an older parent thing and honestly, that aversion seems like a lot to bear when you're young because it feels like you're always in a rush to settle down. I see this much more often with people who have younger parents since that is what is normalized to them. If anything, the idea having a kid young sets off my inner alarm bells. And worst case scenario, you would have to freeze your eggs. As for adoption, I know what I think of it but I find it difficult to discern exactly how I feel about it. Again, might be the whole biology thing idk.

@Salvijus I guess it would depend on what time you go to sleep. Personally, I naturally go to sleep between 12 and 1 (or if my sleep schedule if fucked up between 2 and 3) so for me waking up at 6 would mean I'm getting less than 6 hours of sleep which is simply not sustainable for me to keep up. I find that 8/9 works best for me but then again, I do have a lot of flexibility in my schedule regarding mornings since I am a college student who lives a short walking distance from my classes. Also, I know a lot of people talk about sleeping too much and how that can fuck with how energized they feel. Honestly, I have never felt that lol.

Thankfully, this doesn't affect my productivity much, granted I don't beat myself for not waking up earlier. I have this thing where if I wake up late, I try to reframe the situation from *oh no I woke up at noon and wasted half of my day* to *ok this my first waking hour, what would I do then considering my time frame going forward (like what would I do if I woke up at 7 am and it was 8 now)* I found that helped immensely in terms of productivity. I also noticed how much I sleep is much more important than what time I fell asleep and what time I woke up. I've tried the whole placing my alarm across the room and fixing my diet. I have noticed however that when I'm depressed, this hour turns into 2 hours or so because I can't get out of bed. So maybe the whole "garbage in my mind" might be applicable. I've never tried pranayam though so that might be something I could look into. I suppose this could fall into the territory of min maxing since again, this "issue" isn't affecting my productivity and ability to function in life. I guess this is coming from this sort of ideal of what a functioning person looks like and how pretty much every self improvement person is like *I waKe uP aT thE CRacK Of DAwn*. And next thing you know you associate having to wake up at 5 am as a prerequisite to getting your life together.

Thoughts on Motherhood I catch myself thinking about becoming a parent and what that would entail at random times throughout the week for like years now and I wanted to jot down my thoughts not only to get things out of my system but also to make sense of things as well. Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent? I have my doubts tbh especially given my history with difficult family dynamics. Sometimes I feel like I'm too traumatized to have a kid and raise them in a way that won't traumatize them (generational trauma is real). I feel like for people who grew up in difficult home environments that some of them grow up being really aware on all of the things that goes into being a parent and how much things like sorting through your own shit psychologically, having more than enough money to be financially stable, and having your priorities straight plays a role. And it's like... there are so many ways you can fuck up your kid if you didn't figure your life out before having them. There is a part of me that just doesn't understand how people can say that they want X amount of kids when they grow up because there is just so many things to consider practically and emotionally. But then again, the fact that I am questioning this, that I'm thinking critically, and that I'm taking into consideration all of the things I would need to sort out before hand is a really good sign. Also, the odds of someone growing up in an abusive home environment and then going on to abuse their kids in the same way is pretty slim (most people who have been abused don't grow up to be abusers while most abusers do have histories of abuse growing up). On top of that, it isn't like I'm about to have a kid now. If I do decide to have any, I'll probably be in my mid 30s tbh so I have roughly 10-15 years to figure things out. And I'm putting in the work by going to therapy and doing what I can to heal from my past and not incur any additional trauma that could fuck up my development. Finally, similar to getting into relationships, you don't have to be at a 100% in order to see yourself as worthy and capable of a relationship. I'm bringing this up because I see the parallels on how I used to have a very perfectionistic attitude towards my platonic and romantic relationships where I essentially felt like I needed to go into hermit mode and work on myself instead of letting myself grow and heal through healthy relationships. Granted that is sometimes necessary but there comes to a point where it isn't sustainable anymore. Similarly with parenthood, I think it's important to be cognizant of your short comings and work with them instead of entirely shutting yourself off from the experience as a whole. Thought #2: Kids are Draining There have been instances where I have been left in charge of dealing with children between the ages of 4 and 12 for hours on end. While I had no problems with dealing with them, after 3 hours of keeping them occupied constantly, I was done. I feel like that is my limit as far as dealing with children goes. Anything more than that is overwhelming to me. As a result, the idea of being a mom is pretty daunting. The idea of having work and then maintaining the household/ raising the kids seems like a recipe of becoming one of the many adults who are tired constantly and barely have room to breathe. Don't get me wrong, my husband would be sharing the responsibility but even then it's this idea of being on all the time. Then again, my priorities and the ways that I would want to spend my energy may shift over time. I'm mainly talking about this from my perspective at the moment as someone who wants to get ahead in their career, have somewhat of a social life where they have close knit friendships, have time to travel and self-actualize, and also have time to rest, relax, and take care of myself. Maybe there will be a point where I feel content with these areas of my life and therefore I won't feel as compelled to pour as much energy and resources there because I already have a solid foundation and it's taking care of itself. And then I would move onto a different phase in my life where I would have more time and energy freed up to have a family on my own and it wouldn't feel like this daunting task because I'll finally be in a place in my life where I feel ready and I genuinely/ wholeheartedly would want to have kids Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood Similar to the way that kids can be pretty draining, there are a lot of people who genuinely love their kids and who their kids grew up to be but they hated motherhood. On top of this being a huge energy sink, especially for women, a lot of women forget who they were before having kids because they no longer have the time to themselves or hobbies that make them feel fulfilled. Not only that, but often times when a woman becomes a mother, society only sees her as such and then suddenly literally everything in your life becomes about being a mom and people only focus on that one aspect of you. And I feel like if you take the path of least resistance and have things like your marriage and kids take over your life, it's bound to turn into a cesspool of resentment, dysfunction, and inner turmoil unless you carve out time to prioritize yourself and take care of your own needs amidst all of this (even when everyone else sees you as being selfish for doing so). From what I see, there is a very fine balance that you need to take with all aspects of your life because if one thing topples, so does everything else since it all rests on each other and interconnects with one another. Bottom line: I'm pretty sure if I had kids I would love them but I can't imagine raising kids being an experience that I would readily say yes to because of the various challenges that are involved. Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting Pregnancy is some sci fi shit and I'm pretty sure if I was a man that the decision to have kids would be so much easier. I know people who have had seizures, heart attacks, and life long health issues to varying degrees after giving birth. Also, babies kind of freak me out because of the hypervigilance that is involved in taking care of them. Not only that but professionally having to take time off to take care of the kid for a couple years really fucks with your career trajectory and earning potential (not to mention the biases people have at work when it comes to women who have kids) and is one of the factors that creates the whole gender pay gap and glass ceiling. Like especially in the U.S., all of the doctor's visits, the money just to give birth, the lack of maternity and paternity leave makes having a kid really daunting. I feel like the easy solution to all of this is adopting. I can just adopt a 5 year old (or older) and have them start going to school and I won't have to ever change a diaper in my life, I won't have to sacrifice my career in the process, I won't have to deal with the horrors of pregnancy, and I'll be giving a better life to a kid who would have had issues with getting adopted (often times kids have much lower chances of getting adopted compared to babies and it's even worse for teenagers). But even though this seems like the most logical possibility, there is this weird thing in my head that's like *you need to have your own kids.* Idk, maybe it's the biological programing Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy Speaking of biological programming, I know there are a lot of people who look at babies and have their baby fever get activated. To say the least, that just never made sense to me. Sure I look at babies and I think their cute and I want to play with them but the thought of having one of my own in the moment just doesn't cross my head. I feel like I have that lack of maternal instincts and I feel like that could impact the way I parent and potentially even my quality of parenting because I don't have this biological kneejerk reaction to have kids. But then again, perhaps I have a different kind of maternal energy. Even thought the thought of having kids is a big **IF**, I often catch myself thinking about long term goals I have and how they relate to me setting the foundation for having a family. For instance, I have been working on my mental health for quite some time now and I have been working on myself in general and even though I am doing this for myself and for my own quality of life, there is this thought that comes to mind where there is a part of me that is doing this for my future husband and kids. If I am well adjusted and create a very solid life for myself internally and externally, I'm more likely to have a healthy and loving relationship with a future partner and then we can raise a functional, healthy, and happy family together. Not to be cliche but there is a thing in a lot of spiritual/self help circles when discussing generational trauma where when a person heals from that trauma, they heal everyone that comes after them and they pave the way. And I genuinely feel that if I were to have kids, it would be an expression of the fruits of my labor in the past and my long term thinking from when I was like 15. Like when I think of having kids, I don't think of creating a legacy in material terms rather it's more along the lines of passing down a certain level of consciousness to my kids by the way that I raise them and have them go on their own self actualization journey to grow as individuals so that they can go much further than I did. I just think it's crazy considering how my grandparents grew up in a stage red/blue environment during things like Partition and the 1971 liberation war as well as norms such as child marriage and a lack of educational opportunities and agency for women being common place. Both of my grandmothers were married off in their teens with little education. Then you have my parents' generation who is in a significantly better place because they grew up in more stable political times but they have a lot of inner turmoil and problematic beliefs they had to sort through (let's just say they aren't the most functional and well adjusted people). On top of that, even though they grew up in a better place, they still decided to go the extra mile and immigrate to a foreign country for an even better quality of life (I'd say my mom is solidly blue, my dad is mainly at blue/orange, and the environment they moved to was a stable orange/green with little security and financial concerns). Then you have me and I know that I'm emotionally going to be in a significantly different place from my parents because of the privileges I have been granted in a first world country and it's just crazy especially in the South Asian American community regarding the generational differences and healing over time. I think as a consequence of seeing the big picture regarding how my future generations will grow up given the foundation I'm laying for myself and the way I see the evolution of consciousness as a very practical thing that I have don't have the typical feminine maternal energy. It isn't something that is rooted in this intuitive urge to have a child rather it is part of the way that my long term goals will manifest itself in the future. Long term goals such as working on myself and healing generational trauma, having a very solid career and life purpose, and creating a healthy network of support platonically and romantically are all big goals that takes years to fully build but it's also so small compared to the goal of having a healthy and happy family. The long term goals I listed are the foundation and are the small pieces of a much larger puzzle in my opinion. And while achieving those long term goals is satisfying in of itself and I won't regret putting in the work even if I eventually decide to not have kids, there is a maternal part of me that gets activated when I look at the larger vision of my goals. I suppose that I have a very masculine maternal energy and sometimes that doesn't resonate with the feminine maternal energy that is often talked about and represented when discussing maternal energy (nothing wrong with masculine or feminine maternal energy, they are just different and manifest as such). Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother Similar to the point above on how different big goals play as small puzzle pieces to motherhood and similar to the point on how there is a lot that goes into parenting, I have observed many moving parts when I see healthy/functional families. I'm going to do my best to concisely summarize my thoughts: Have a good career and be aligned to your life purpose. Gives you an identity outside of being a mother and an additional outlet for fulfillment. Mitigates societal pressures and lets you have a life outside of the family. Helps you provide for your family and gives you agency in your marriage so you have an equal partnership with your spouse and if things go south and there is an event of a divorce you will have something to fall back on. Models healthy forms of achievement for your kids and gives you valuable life experiences that you can use to teach/raise your kids Work on yourself internally (therapy, journaling, healing generational trauma cycles, working on attachment styles. reflecting, raising your consciousness etc.) Helps you have better discernment when picking a spouse which is arguably one of the most important decisions you can make in addition to choosing a career path Will make you raise your kids better because you are using parenting techniques that are healthy for the kid rather than projecting your own trauma Will help in creating a strong marriage and will take a preventative approach to marital issues if both people are already whole and actualized people who can communicate, emotionally self regulate, set boundaries, have their own lives etc. A strong and healthy marriage is really the backbone to giving your kids a good childhood imo Also you want to model what a healthy relationship looks like and what a well adjusted person is so that your kids have a good example of what is healthy and good for them, thus saving them a lot of issues when they grow up and are on their own Finally, you want to check your biases and come from an informed place when presenting different world views so your kids grow up learning how to have good discernment and critical thinking skills Make sure you take care of your health Keep up with the kids and any other demands you may be having Stay around longer to watch them grow up and have lives of their own. Mentally and physically take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself with your kids. Have time for yourself. Have a good support system of conscious friends and relatives Helps in socializing the kid Gives you people to lean on and get help from when things become a little too much or you need a break (having people baby sit, give advice, etc.) Takes pressure off of your spouse since he isn't the only person you are getting help from and that will further help the marriage Gives you a life outside of the family so again, you don't grow resentful and like you lost your identity All of these are huge and I feel like there are more things that I'm missing but these are my general thoughts and how they interconnect and work with one another. Thought #7: The Chaos of the World Then again, will any of this matter if climate change takes over and we start having wars over water? Do I want to raise my kids in a late capitalist dystopia where they will likely deal with worse circumstances than what I grew up in. Even if I give my kids a good life, there is only so much I can do as an individual if systemically we're all fucked. While I have detailed how you need a stable life before having kids, to get to that stable life can be an uphill battle. For instance, I have talked about the cost of health care in the U.S. and the lack of things like maternity and paternity leave. However, there is no telling what the world is going to look like in 10-15 years. I can only hope that things will get better or that I will go to a place where things are better. Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids There is this finality of having kids that I feel that people don't take seriously enough (similar to how people often times don't see getting married as one of the most significant legal decisions you will ever make). You never stop being a parent. So many other things in life, even the things that look permanent on the surface, aren't permanent in the same way as having kids. Life changing trauma can be healed from. Having career issues can be dealt with. If you have a bad marriage, there are ways you can try to get out of it. If you flunk out of school, you can get back in and improve your grades. If you don't like where you are living, you can move. Of course, each of these things have varying degrees of ease depending on situation and privilege's but there is always something you can do. But having a child.... you can't just undo something like that. It's not like you can yeet the kid out of existence and move on like nothing happened. Basically, even with planned pregnancies I feel like a lot of people don't think enough about having kids before they have them. One of my fears with having kids is that what if I wake up one day 6 years after having a kid and realize that having kids isn't for me. Tf am I supposed to do then???? Closing thoughts: Ultimately, I don't know if I want to have kids or how many (most likely 1, 2 feels like a stretch). That is a decision for 30 year old soos_mite_ah who will hopefully have a more stable and secure life by then and would have achieved a lot of the long term goals she has at this point in time. I wouldn't be surprised if I get to the point where I want to have a kid or if I realize that I'll never get there and that it isn't for me. As of right now, I'm kind of neutral on whether I have kids or I don't in the future. The way my life pans out in the next 10-15 years would give me a better idea.

Why is pragmatism associated with yang/masculine energy while emotions are associated with yin/feminine?

I feel like love languages are independent from masculinity and femininity. The whole love languages thing can be limitted as @mandyjw said but imo it can be a good starting point for understanding what makes you and your partner feel cared about. I don't know what words of affirmation and quality time have to do with femininity but I know that there are men and women who consider themselves to lean more masculine who have those two as their main love languages. I always saw the love languages as gender independent lol.

So I used to have doomer depression spirals earlier this year regarding climate change, capitalism, the pandemic, and just the over all state of the world. I haven't been having them lately (in the last few months) but I feel that it's because I'm more focused on completing day to day activities in school and in trying to figure out my career. One one hand you could say that the doomer spirals are just laying dormant because I'm being preoccupied by working on other areas of my life. On the other hand I guess you could make the case that trying to be more present in my life by focusing on the smaller things rather than working myself into a state of anxiety by worrying about big picture issues has helped me resolve this issue with my doomer spirals. I know like everyone I do carry a certain degree of self bias and while there is a part of me that wants to think I'm over the doomer spirals since I haven't had one in more than 3 months but then again it might be due to the fact that I'm distracted from it. I would like some input because idk what's going on lol.