soos_mite_ah

Just thought of this video after writing the above

Revisiting a Past Version of Myself I'm a little freaked out by this video. I had a similar conversation with similar points with a friend a couple weeks back. On top of that, this video word for word feels like a lot of the idealism and the goals that I had when I was 17/18 years old. I don't know how to feel about that. I suppose it's because there is a lot going underneath the surface and I suppose this journal post is simply me trying to make sense of myself. I do feel a little bit of sadness mixed in with nostalgia. Sadness because I miss the idealism I had back then. Nostalgia because it felt like I was looking at a past version of myself for better and for worse. The past version of myself had a very optimistic view of the future. It's the way that I held on at the time. I told myself that once I went off to college, dealt with my childhood trauma through therapy, I would basically be unstoppable in the face of my goals. I would study abroad, get my career together, get amazing grades, hold together a part time job to save up for travel, be either an RA or a TA, and have a solid group of friends etc. I just had to endure a couple more years in my parents house. And if I'm going to be honest, I came very close to that reality. When I don't have any of my mental blockages, I can actualize my goals (or manifest so lol) so quickly. Like I'm basically the energizer bunny who is capable of doing multiple things at once all well. I got a taste of that just right before the pandemic. And I remember during those few months, I was basically high on life and so ready to step into this next chapter of my life free from abuse, depression, and anxiety. Then the pandemic hit and I acquired a new flavor of crazy to recover from. In some ways I feel like I'm starting back at square one when I scheduled in the fact that at this point I'll be at square 8. I feel like there was that sense of naivety to assume that things were going to seamlessly. And I don't blame myself. There is no way I could have known that things would've turned out this way. I would say that now, I still have this optimistic view of the future. But it isn't nearly as bright eyed and bushy tailed as it was back then. I would characterize my optimism right now as rooted in something that is very slow and consistent. Like I know I'm getting there, it's just going to take a while. I suppose the upside to this is that I'm more patient, resilient, disciplined, and well thought out. But I miss how simple things were and how easy my goals seemed at the time. Now I overthink everything and take time to get things done because I doubt a lot of my abilities and doubt my surroundings because I feel like I'm not standing under stable ground. On the other hand, this past version of myself had a lot of escapist tendencies. I had a lot of happiness bottlenecks at the time and I thought the only way that I would be able to be happy is if I moved to NYC, found my people, cut out my family, and travelled a lot in my early 20s. Upon everything that could go wrong going wrong, I realized that I actually don't need that much to be happy. I realized that I can still find a lot of happiness in a couple of people, living in a suburb, and travelling every now and then. I don't necessarily have to go all out. That's not to say that I don't want to do these things (ok, I don't think NYC is for me anymore tbh) but it's to say that I don't have the same kind of attachment that I used to have in my goals. And that attachment was along the lines of *if I don't do xyz I'm going to be miserable and wasting my life.* Back then I had a lot of misplaced hatred towards Dallas, Texas, and the U.S. as a whole. Turns out I don't actually hate it here. Hell, I don't even hate the small town I grew up in. I just hated living with my parents and I wanted to get far, far away from them and fall into the arms of this stage green type of hedonism. I talk more about stage green hedonism and how it shaped my ideal of a life well lived in a previous post. I think much of what I was intending on writing is basically a repetition of this post: I think in addition to the sadness and the nostalgia, there is almost this sense of closure that comes over me, as if I'm better able to access this previous version of myself that has since passed on. It reminds me of how far I've come in understanding what it means to live a fulfilling life (in the post I linked above I talked about how stage green hedonism felt like THE BLUEPRINT of living an actualized life). And this gives me a sense of peace. I like the person who I'm growing into, slowly but surely. I have faith in that person as well. And I feel like even if things don't turn out the way that I hoped or intended it to, I'm pretty sure I'll still have a happy and fulfilling life regardless. Because I remember back then (and sometimes even now to a certain extent), I felt that I needed to go out and search for meaning by doing things that are larger than life to be fulfilled. And though that is a nice bonus, it's just that, a bonus. I can still find meaning here in the depth of my own experience by just being conscious of my day to day. I guess the thing that is holding me back now is the expectations that 2017 soos_mite_ah held 2021 soos_mite_ah to. That has been contributing to me feeling like I haven't been living a full life in the past couple years and contributing to me having imposter syndrome. And I feel like watching this video gave me that sense of peace and closure I need to let go of those expectations. I'm not letting go of my goals and I'm not letting go of the journey. I'm simply letting go of the impatience and the death grip I had in getting to the finish line. I'll get there when I'll get there and that's perfectly fine. And now that I think of the emotions of sadness, nostalgia, peace, and closure, I can't help but notice how these are also common emotions in mourning. For the last couple months, that's honestly how I felt. I felt like I was mourning the pre-pandemic version of myself that was last on campus. I felt like I was mourning my college experience. I felt like I was mourning my potential and how things didn't turn out like I wanted. And I think it's a good sign that I'm finally getting to that place of peace and closure especially since I would say that these emotions didn't cut me to the core and make me feel neurotic. EDIT: I'm not trying to label this guy or this video as the poster child of stage green hedonism lol. This is just reminding me of my goals and ideals like 4 years ago. This is me 1000% projecting and trying to make sense of that projection

I was thinking of using Leo's video as a source in addition to understanding nonduality. But I do understand the value behind direct experience (which is why I'm thinking of using psychedelics in the future anyway lol). To what extent do you think that's beneficial and to what extent should I let go of the sources and the study and rely on my direct experience? In your opinion, where do you think the line is best drawn and how do you know when you crossed that line?

This does feel realistic for me given where I'm at right now. I have been working my way up the spiral for about 3 years now and I have been at at least stage orange for about a decade (have since integrated much of it and moved on). I really want to say that I am currently yellow with a few green hang ups/ trigger points but if I'm going to be honest, I feel cocky just saying that lol. I do agree that people need to be at least orange to dip their feet in because (correctly if this sounds wrong), I feel like if a stage blue person did psychedelics, they would immediately either fall into demonization of the substance or fall deeper into their own religious dogma due to a lack of understanding around the theory of nonduality. But idk, there is a part of me that wants to urge people to at the very least wait til they dip into stage green to start experimenting. I feel like a lot of orange people tend to fall into the trap of being entertained by the cool colors instead of understanding and integrating things deeply (unless that's what they set out to do due to exposure to content like actualized.org). Over all, I'm under the general impression that the more conscious you are, the more you are likely to get out of the trip. These standards I wrote above are subject to change so I'm not being to rigid with them for my personal uses with the exception of the point regarding age and legality/safety. I am intrigued by the whole using psychedelics to a variety of mental health issues especially PTSD and drug addiction. Granted I'm still pretty new to all of this so feel free to correct me or get me more information. When it comes to drug addiction, I guess I would be most concerned about the effects of mixing substances in your body and how that sensitivity can differ from person to person. While this isn't related to addiction directly, I have friends who are on antidepressants. Normally, when a person is on antidepressants, it is highly advisable to avoid alcohol since alcohol can mess with your head and therefore interfere with the medication (to the point where it can cause seizures). This label is usually there for binge drinkers so usually, a couple drinks here and there aren't going to fuck you up. But for some people, even 2 drinks can cause some issues. I'm just using this as an example of how different drugs (prescribed or otherwise) can act within a person's body and how people should really think through things. As for both PTSD and addiction specifically, I feel like doing trips in a lab setting or medically monitored environment would be the most ideal choice but then again I don't know how people would go about doing that. I'm not for or against doing psychedelics when your life isn't together (if anything, I think you can gain a lot of healing from psychedelics) but I do want to lean on the side of caution since these aren't toys to mess around with. There is a video I watched a while back of this lade who took psychedelics and how that bad trip healed her eating disorder. She does a lot of content around eating disorders, the realities/misconceptions of them, the culture surrounding eating disorders, and her personal experiences. I thought it was pretty interesting and I recommend that people check it out:

@lmfao @Jodistrict @kamwalker @BipolarGrowth My absolute bare minimum requirements for myself is that I'd be over 25 and that I'm doing it safely in a place where it's controlled and legal. In the mean time, I have a few years until I reach that age so I might as well try to get as much as the stuff on the list done to prep well for that time. Considering where I feel like I'm at right now, the things above do not feel too unrealistic as far as goals for 3 or so years go. That's kind of the attitude that I'm coming at. As of right now (this is subject to change) but I want to have a few high quality trips. I don't have an intention to go super deep into psychedelics because I want them to be a tool rather than something that my development revolves around. I think it's really important to go slow and steady to build a very solid foundation of integration before jumping to transcendence. I don't think it's healthy to fall into the trap of constantly seeking on this journey. I have also jumped into transcendence and existential topics prematurely before and it was counterproductive for me and I decided that it's best that I pace myself on this journey I wrote about my thoughts on psychedelics in a journal post before. Here is a bit of what I wrote back then: I understand if this post gets some backlash as I was writing about a sensitive topic but this is my way of making sense of things and not using Actualized.org as the only source or turning the teachings into dogma. Here is the whole post if anyone is interested in looking into it:

If this really happened, I think you need much more help than going out often for 2-3 years.

Prerequisites Before Doing Psychedelics This doesn't include precautions like testing, having a trip sitter, measuring dosages etc. This has more to do with things that I want to make sure I have done before choosing to experiment. Be over 25: Need to have the prefrontal cortex developed. Don't want to mess up my neurological development. Have at least 2 years of mental stability. I don't want to see demons and shit. This means for 2 years there are: No anxiety attacks no depressive episodes healthy habits are in place exercising regularly be mindful of the content you consume Deal with most traumatic events and process them to where they don't hold you back or effect you Have basic survival dealt with in a sustainable/ conscious way: can financially support myself without being anxious about money in a job that I find fulfilling if not at the very least bearable have healthy and fulfilling relationships (both platonic and romantic) health wise I'm doing well and not on any medication that could interfere with psychedelics Be firmly into stage yellow in spiral dynamics and be firmly aware in the strategist and construct aware stages in the 9 stages of ego development Exhaust stage green tendencies Deal with any emotional hang ups from the previous stages Continue quality self education after college Educate yourself on mystical traditions, nonduality, and philosophy for at least a year familiarize with stage turquoise/ unitive aware stage and concepts watch Leo's videos on nonduality and psychedelic usage (been ignoring them for now because I'm simply not ready) Travel to a place where you can do this with the supervision of a professional and where this is legal could include/ mean visiting a shaman or doing it in a country where it is legal and regulated

@john1 I started this work at around that age as well. During that time I spent a lot of time contemplating, figuring out what my priorities were so I can figure out what my steps towards college were, and investing time into both educating myself and having fulfilling friendships. I'd say that you can really tap into you authentic self through questioning and contemplation. Think about your values and beliefs, where they come from, and how much they resonate or make sense to you or how much they only resonate due to something like social conditioning. This will help you open your mind up. In addition to that, you want to put that open mind to good use. And by that I mean that you need to go out and simply experience/ go through life. Deal with challenges as they come up whether they maybe conflicts in your friendships, figuring out how to manage a relationship with a significant other, taking classes you consider difficult, dealing with a variety of life events etc. Go out an have fun as well and let that be your teacher. Read and learn about different ideas and concepts and see what resonates with you. I remember at this age I did encounter issues with trying to figure out who I am. At 22, I'm still uncovering and exploring different sides of myself. You never stop this process. But I will say that life experiences and how you handle them can give you a good indication of what you are working with internally at any given time. Use teachers and courses as a valuable source and as potential cheat codes to avoid monumental mistakes but always hold direct experience of life as your number one teacher. Don't over think this, go out and live. Get engaged with life.

You could argue that a lot of sensors are good at tapping into the present moment and therefore enlightenment by being more in touch with their senses and that they are less likely to fall into the trap of constantly overthinking things to look at the big picture. At the same time, an intuitive might have a better shot at reaching enlightenment precisely because of their big picture thinking. You can reach your goals from many paths, no need to pigeonhole yourself due to your personality traits and build limiting beliefs around that. A sensor's path to enlightenment might look very different to an intuitive's but that doesn't mean that they don't have a path at all.

Here are a few posts from my journals based on my personal experiences that I think are relevant to anyone who resonates with this thread:

I agree with the notion that sometimes it's healthy, and even necessary, at times to swing the pendulum on the other hand to get out of your comfort zone and integrate parts of yourself you never really explored before. At the same time I disagree with the notion that a very large percentage of introverts are that way because of suppressed shame. I would say a certain degree (maybe 30 ish percent) but definitely not the majority. I think this feeds into the whole extrovert bias I was talking about in my previous comment. I would say that about the same percentage of extroverts also have suppressed shame when it comes to socializing but it may manifest in a different way (think maybe using partying and superficial interaction to avoid dealing with the fear of opening up). Social shame is not a mainly introvert phenomenon. Therapy isn't the end all be all, I agree with that. And if a person were to get help for this sort of thing, I'm sure that any therapist would also agree with this as well. There is something that is called exposure therapy. It's basically when you take a trigger and keep introducing it in manageable amounts until it stops being a trigger. And from what I'm understanding from the OP, is that @Javfly33 is trying to do a form of that by exposing himself to socializing to burn through his anxiety (@Javfly33 correct me if I'm mistaken). My thing is that there is a difference between exposing yourself and overexposing yourself. The later can double down on limiting beliefs and make anxiety much worse because you're taking too much at once. And idk where he is coming from but going out every weekend for hours at a time for 2-3 years doesn't seem like a realistic goal can lead to burnout really quickly or worse, creating more problems. IMO this isn't a sustainable strategy. I remember a few years back having this realization that I wasn't an introvert rather I'm an extrovert with social anxiety. I was in a similar space as you were. If this is something that feels authentic for you, go for it. I remember for me, when I swung the pendulum to the other end, it was uncomfortable at first but going that route and integrating what I needed to helped me figure out where my own personal homeostasis is (extrovert-introvert balance if you will). I guess what I'm trying to express is my experiences and takeaways so that this journey may manifest in a healthy and productive way. I have journaled about this in the past which I don't mind sharing and I think you might be able to benefit a lot from it by seeing what someone who went on a previous path has also encountered. I'm not saying that your journey will be exactly the same, but I do think having an idea of where you might be headed can't hurt. I simply urge you to not see introversion as the enemy (regardless of whether or not you actually are an introvert) and get side tracked into fixing what isn't broken. Focus on dealing with issues around social anxiety and exploring different sides of yourself rather than changing who you are on a fundamental level. I think that can help with aligning with authenticity so you are more confident in who you are and so that it isn't like you're wearing a mask that doesn't quite fit and that people can see through and cringe at.

Just to keep myself accountable since I haven't been posting as much as I want to, especially in this journal Topics that I want to discuss in the future: Healthy Relationships Experiential and Factual Truth Dealing with Imposter Syndrome Relational Trauma In Praise of Being Average How I Feel About Long Term Goals The Sad White Girl Trope Personal / Professional Boundaries and Parasocial Relationships

Key Take Aways Part 2 I really liked this video and how it explains how learning additional theory and how going back to school and getting additional degrees can be rooted in insecurity and passivity when it comes to stepping into adulthood. It is something that I recently grappled with and it's a trap that I notice that some people around me fall into. I know a lot of people who decided to go to grad school, not because they know it's going to be a stepping stone for where they want to go, rather it was because they were too afraid to go into the workforce since they feel like they weren't adequately prepared. It's essentially a way of putting off moving into the next stage of their lives because it's scary and unknown. I also feel like a lot of brown parents fall into the trap of enabling this form of thinking because of how positively they view education. Don't get me wrong, I think that mindset is incredibly important especially when you want to raise your kids and instill this notion of life long learning. But I think where problems really arise is when they put so much weight on getting into a prestigious school or doing some advanced degree to where they don't look at the practicality, the feasibility, and the healthiness of the situation. For example, my mom really wants me to get my masters and PhD before going into the workforce because she wasn't me to be a doctor and because med school is simply not an option for me. She also thinks that not going straight to more school after my undergrad is going to cause me to get distracted and once I work a few years I won't want to go back to school. I don't think this is a good decision for me. I don't know what kind of grad studies I might want to do since I don't have a clear career path yet. I don't want to spend a ton of money and time on something that might not be worthwhile for me and my path. And I don't want to delay being an adult (though I'm tempted to do so) because I am afraid of what is ahead. There is this part of me that pops up every now and then where I'm just like *why couldn't I just want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or a professor like a lot of my peers, because you know, 8 years of med school doesn't sound so bad. I just had to be a fucking free spirit didn't I* Because if you're in med school or a doctoral program for 8 years, you know what you're doing with your life during that time. But if you decide to start your career and switch jobs and positions every now and then to figure out what you're going to do, that's going to be a messier, more existential crisis inducing process. And as much as I want to know what exactly I'm doing with my life for the next few years and not switch things up, I know that isn't the best option for me and what I want to do with my life. I don't have too many personal experiences come up for me at this time as it relates to this video. But I do think it's important to see how love and looking out for your best interest or the best interest of others can get complicated because they don't always align cleanly. I think keeping this in mind can help deal with a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Because what we do and don't do sometimes are totally independent of whether we love someone or not. Basically, it's important to question your conclusions and knee jerk reactions because you might be attributing meaning where there isn't any. And instead, you need to put into a lot of effort in understanding where the other person is coming from as well as where you are coming from to effectively communicate and build trust. Sometimes it's more important to understand someone instead of simply loving them though most of the time they go hand in hand. Love isn't fully selfless in the way that it sacrifices your best interests and needs for the other person rather love is about honoring your interests and needs as well as taking the other person's interests and needs as your own, therefore creating a sense of unity in what is best for both of yall. I would say that this video mainly talks about the dangers of compromising your boundaries and how that can erode a relationship, build resentment, and cause a lack of fulfillment. I personally feel that compromising is for small, almost insignificant things (like whether or not you should get the blue or white curtains or how many throw pillow you want) but not for things like your values, your career, your over all lifestyle etc. The video goes into how differences in these things are simply incompatibility and how you should accept that and move on instead of digging your heels in more and changing yourself (or worse, expecting the other person to change) to "make it work." Compromise doesn't often lead to fulfillment. Compromise was created to keep incompatible people in a relationship for a long period of time because back then "successful" relationships were defined as ones that lasted the longest, not the ones that were the healthiest.

Key Take Aways Part 1 I have been watching a few videos here and there I think there is some insightful things that I have found. I just want to note them down for future reference and just to reflect for a bit. I re-watched this video like 3 times because I feel like I am getting a lot of value from this. 7:20 - Dr. K basically talks about how sometimes things are harder to handle not because there is anything internally going on with you but because your circumstances aren't conducive to what you are trying to achieve. I find myself resonating with this to a certain extent due to the environment I have been in in the last few years. And I think it's important to acknowledge because I do have a tendency to internalize some things that are beyond my control. 22:30- Here, Anne starts talking about why there is this wall that is up and how that contributes to how it's difficult to make friends. She talks about how there are people who think that she's really cool and interesting but then for some reason they are simply not friends with her. And as a result, sometimes people put her on a pedestal which prevents that connection from happening because she appears unapproachable. I find myself relating to this a lot when it comes to my issues with competence which I have journaled about a lot in the past. I don't find myself having as many issues regarding that since addressing it but I still feel like this has been a recent enough experience to where I feel like I can still relate to this and that it's good to be mindful about. 27:45- Anne talks about how creating friendships is something that she has done before and she knows that she can do it but sometimes she thinks that the reason why she is having issues with making friends is because she isn't trying hard enough. She also mentions that whenever she feels like something isn't reciprocal that this causes her to back away from others since she doesn't want to be overbearing. Dr. K talks about on how taking a step forward and taking a step back points to a point of resistance that might be blocking her. He then asks if Anne ever had an experience of whether she chased someone but it wasn't reciprocated. Anne talks about how basically how in college she had a lot of acquaintances but she never felt like she was part of the core group that would hang out with each other. Basically, she was the outsider. She then moves on to talking about her family situation and how that also contributes to feeling like an outsider and how this is a common theme. I did reflect on being an outsider and not being a priority to people in this post a few days ago: To expand on this since I did focus on this aspect of my life romantically, I think especially in this school, as a woman of color and as a leftist in a conservative PWI, that feeling of being an outsider and knowing that people are going to be side eyeing me if I were to talk about my views. It has caused me to try to be more tactful with the way that I deal with people and have really good boundaries but it has also come at the cost of me being fully expressive. They also talk about a lot of this around the 1:00:00 mark and how not chasing after people is a way of coping with feeling like you aren't wanted. Anne then mentions on how she has learned to be independent and how to be by herself to respond to this. Then Dr. K chimes in and talks about how the brain uses the tool that works the best and that tool improves the practice. When people have a strength, that's what they tend to default to in order to get through difficult situations which in turn makes the strengths stronger. However this makes things difficult if that strength is maladaptive to the situation. They also start talking about being annoying, bothering people, and how people might react to taking steps forward to creating a friendship . I think the whole strengthening a skill that isn't helping my situation is where I'm at. I'm really good at being alone and doing things myself but that's not the skill set that would enable me to reach out to make quality friendships. I'm planning on journaling about this more in a separate post to avoid getting side tracked. 52:10- Dr. K talks about having an internal and external locus of control. I'm not going even summarize this part because I think it's important to watch it for what it is since I can't do it justice lol. But as far as my reflections go, I do have a tendency to resort to an internal locus of control and for me and my situation, switching my perspective to the external locus of control is what would help me the most.

I also agree with much of this. There is a bias towards extroversion in the west but it's just that, a bias. I remember reading somewhere that some cultures have a bias towards introversion where they tend to see extroverts as people who lack discipline and impulse control and as a result tend to be less responsible sn more explosive. But yeah introvert =/= shy or antisocial. Most of the introverts in my life (myself included) tend to still be social and able to keep up with quality relationships. The only difference I would say between my introverted friends and my extroverted friends are simply how we recreate. I have a couple of acquaintances who love going to raves but they and I know damn well that this isnt a place to drag me into because I wont be having fun in that setting lol. I also agree with how developing social skills, humor, and confidence isnt turning yourself into an extrovert. Again, that is that extrovert bias that comes into play again because it's quite obvious that extroverts dont have a monopoly on these traits. However, where I would differ is to say that extroverts have an easier time developing these traits. Introverts just often have a different way of going about developing these traits. Some of the funniest people I know lean on the quieter side. They have their own style of humor that reflects their authentic perspective. I know a lot of confident and socially adept people who are also really quiet and much of their confidence and ability to socialize comes from things like empathizing and listening really well and not feeling this need to seek validation. And because they know and understand themselves as well as others, they also have no problem being assertive and setting boundaries as necessary. Things like humor, confidence, and social skills can look different on introverts and that is perfectly fine. Not only is it fine, its necessary because it would really suck if everyone had the same qualities and skills. The thing is that it's important to work with yourself to improve yourself instead of working against yourself.

If you feel like you have a lot of blocks with your sense of confidence and valuing yourself, maybe in addition to going out, contemplating, talking to someone, or getting a therapist might also be helpful. Why brute force over blocks constantly when you can remove them at the source? Because imo, introversion isn't a problem. We need introverts in social settings or else things would get chaotic and people wont be listened to if everyone felt the need to be outgoing. Insecurity is the main issue imo and it's important to acknowledge that because you want to diagnose the problem correctly if you want a good, effective solution. The other reason I stress this is because I think it could potentially be counter productive to go against a large part of who you are and that can come at odds with your sense of authenticity. And sacrificing what makes you unique isn't going to help in social situations to really connect with people. Not to mention, it's also incredibly exhausting to keep up an image that might not even resonate with you in the slightest. There is so much resistance that would be involved and I feel that this is one of those situations that brute forcing it and making yourself go out every weekend for hours might erode you more than it might help you. This would especially be the case since as an introvert, it's likely that you get your energy when you're by yourself. And I also think in order to really value yourself, you also need to value who you are and what your needs and boundaries are rather than morphing yourself into something you're just not.

I don't even think we're on the same page when it comes to what is being discussed so I apologize for asking too many questions but I'm trying to figure out where you're coming from. How would you define being a loser in dating? What exactly do you think I mean when I say you should focus on being authentic and confidence and how do you think I think a person should go about it? What would you recommend to the 5ft3 Asian with poor social skills? Where do you see me as triggered? And also, some shit isn't dishonest, it's just plain wrong. And sometimes people often use "honesty" as an excuse to be an asshole.

I'm also sure that in a country of over a billion people that there will be some people who will find that brown guy attractive inside and out. That's not to say that this person won't deal with racism (which lets be real is basically guaranteed tbh), but you can acknowledge the reality and not have it devolve into self hatred, apathy, and low self esteem. Part of learning how to date is cancelling people out and knowing your worth so you don't settle for terrible treatment. It isn't adopting a defeatist attitude. And a large part of learning how to date and avoiding people who aren't good for you so you have quality experiences is to have a good sense of self esteem, boundaries, and not feel the need to conform to what everyone else wants you to be so you can maintain your sense of authenticity. And things like authenticity and confidence are some of the most attractive qualities you can create in yourself. That is ridiculous. There are 7 billion people in the world. There is a good chance that I can find people that I am genuinely compatible and respects. This attitude that you're talking about reeks scarcity mindset and scare tactics.

I'm not saying burying your head in the sand and ignoring these inequalities is the answer. It isn't and if anything that will do more harm. People have different struggles and issues in dating especially when race and backgrounds are considered and it's unfair to say otherwise. What I am saying is that people need to build a healthier self esteem by dealing with the issues they have come across by altering their self esteem. Not by doubling down on their limiting beliefs. Honestly, why would you want to win in a game where the prize isn't even worth it? What's the point of trying to appeal to people who aren't going to see your worth or give you basic respect? Instead of trying to change up yourself to appeal to these people, go where you are accepted and where you are less likely to deal with this sort of thing. I've had men literally tell me to my face that they think I'm ugly and that they only date white women. That shit made me cry when I was 12 but at this point I'm just like *the trash took itself out and I dodged a bullet.* I agree with @FlyingLotus on this one: That is literally hyperfeminization which is a form of fetishization That is hypermasculination which is another form of fetishization. Didn't you make a post not too long ago about racism in dating and how the black men in every person questioned was rated as the least attractive? You're so close to seeing the problem. Fetishization isn't a good thing and isn't something that makes you look "higher value." It's the opposite in that it leads to more dehumanization and violence against the communities they fetishize.

@Raptorsin7 Ok thank you for clarifying that term. I just wanted to have an idea of what I was dealing with before sharing my perspective since I do have thoughts on this subject. Is this actually a fact or is it an opinion (I know you said perceived but still) ? Because Asian men "having less value" inherently isn't something that can proven rather the attitude is based on a shit ton of racial biases. Yes, these opinions do in fact affect the way you are treated and that can be statistically proven, but I'm rather worried that seeing Asian men as having less sexual market value and trying to accept that would further enable Asian men to internalize their self hatred instead of helping them dismantle it. What do you think about that? Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to acknowledge how things like racism can impact dating (I have my fair share of personal experiences) but these experiences aren't to internalize rather it is important to deconstruct these things by understanding where those biases come from and by understanding that there is nothing wrong with you. Ok I'm not sure about the 1/5 Asian men will procreate statistic. I would really look into the sources for this because this seems like utter bs. As for 50% of asian women in the west will marry a white guy, I don't know about white specifically but I know that both Asian men and women have the highest rates of interracial marriage. Sure a small percentage is due to internalized self hatred taken out on the opposite sex but I think a lot of it has to do with population sizes. As an South Asian woman in the U.S., if I were to limit myself to only dating other South Asian men, I'm limiting myself to 2% of the U.S. population. If we are going by population alone, there is a 98% chance that I will be in an interracial marriage. I've told this to my parents as well, the odds of me marrying a brown guy isn't exactly in my favor. I don't about know this John Elite guy based on the stats that you spelled out but I do think it's a good idea that you are looking to people who have similar experiences as you and who does understand the unique issues that Asian men would have to face. Is it the "harsh reality" or are you using masochistic epistemology and digital self harm? Contrapoints has a really good video on this and I have written about this in my journal as well if you're wondering what this even means and how it relates to anything we're talking about: SMV, from what I'm getting, sounds like a very weird way of packaging things like racism, sexism, fatphobia, and eugenics . I think you also need to redefine what it means to be and seek a high value partner. From my observation, the quality of a person's dating advice usually can be seen as what they perceive to be high value. And not to mention, putting people in this scale of "market value" sounds incredibly dehumanizing for a person's view on oneself and their view on other people. So dehumanizing to where if would cancel out any hopes of actually connecting with people and moving forward with a solid sense of self esteem and confidence. You are literally viewing yourself and others as objects rather than actual human beings.

@Raptorsin7 how do you describe sexual market value?

@Raptorsin7 what is smv and ir?

I noticed myself going into this doomer mentality in the last couple of weeks because of the pandemic, the new variant, people not getting vaccinated, climate change, abortion laws, pulling out from Afghanistan, dealing with worsening wealth inequality and just the general chaos that's ensuing in the world. At this point, I have little to no idea what I'm doing with my life and how shit is going to pan out because how unpredictable and bizarre everything is. I feel like I'm stuck in a liminal state both personally in my life as well as collectively as far as history is being considered. This shit is just dragging on and doesn't have many signs of things getting better. Like I'm not even panicked at this point, I'm just exhausted. And the worst part is, we know how to deal with most of these situations. We know what we can do fix climate change. We know ways we can mitigate wealth inequality. We know how to get through this pandemic. It's just that people aren't cooperating and coordinating (for starters, idk, people in the U.S. could take the damn vaccine!?!?!?) and it's kind of exhausting when you try to take care of things on your end only for shit to backfire on you because other people didn't do their part. Normally, I cope with this by avoiding the news and certain content and instead focusing on my own life but lately it's been getting to me. Especially given the fact that I'm in a place with a lot of COVID deniers and people who refuse to take the vaccine. I'm reminded everyday about this shit.

You shouldn't be doing this type of thing period in a work environment. This isn't just some awkward kiss, it's a violation of professional boundaries. And lets' not label this type of thing as "autistic male behavior." I know people with autism and while they maybe a little awkward, they still get basic empathy, social conventions, and boundaries.