soos_mite_ah

The Second Date So I went on the second date with U and I would say it went really well. It took us some time to go on this second date because I accidentally ghosted him due to me breaking my phone and my new phone taking forever to ship to me. He was pretty understanding of this situation since during the first date I did give the indication that my phone is malfunctioning therefore, if at any time I stop responding and go cold for a few days, that isn't me being a disrespectful asshole rather it is most likely my phone. We made light of the situation and then planned out our second date. We went to this barbecue place. I didn't think it through how messy the meal was going to be (I was just craving ribs lol) but honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was a little nervous before this date because I didn't want it to be awkward and be in the position where we run out of things to talk about. But thankfully, that didn't happen. I think we were both more comfortable with each other on this date because we know each other a little better and as a result it wasn't as awkward. I really enjoyed my time and even lost track of time for a moment so that's a good sign in my eyes. I also went into this date with the intention of bringing up what he was looking for and his past relationship history. I'm pretty sure that this guy is looking for something more serious instead of a hook up just by the way he is treating but still, it doesn't hurt to have things be explicit. But I didn't bring this topic up. Honestly, we just started talking about other stuff and the conversation flowed in different directions. It wasn't like we were trying to avoid the topic or anything. I still do think that this would be important to bring up but at the same time, I think it's a good sign that I felt like I could be present in this conversation and have it take it's course rather than me over analyzing and strategizing shit during this date. That's not to say that I'm not taking note of what he is saying and any potential red flags but much more that I don't catch myself clenching up and being hyper vigilant of these types of things. I think part of me feels that I can put my guard down to a certain extent around U since I did meet him through a trusted friend and because I have more of a context of what he is like. It's like because I met him through a friend, there is already some of that filteration work already done since if he can get along with my friend, chances are he and I have similar things and values in common since my friend and I have similarities. I would say this is so much better than me meeting people out in the wild lol. And just in general, I do tend to attract good people in my life as far as friendships go so in my mind, I feel like there is a good chance that I would meet other good men in that way. Speaking of attracting good people in my life, this is something that I have talked about in my main journal in a couple of posts: Overall, U seems like a bright green flag so far. I'm planning on seeing him tomorrow along with the friend he and I have in common so that should be fun.

Did you even read the post or replies lol? I try to remind myself that and honestly, thank you, I needed that. I remember I had a similar kind of panic wash over me when I was applying to colleges because, again, new phase of life and more responsibilities. And things turned out ok despite the financial bullshit that was thrown at me over the last few years especially with the pandemic. LMAOOO mood.

So I'm going to graduate college in December and I'm going to be applying to jobs during this summer. There is a huge part of me that is panicking becaue I don't know if I will be able to afford basic necessities and if I can move out of my parent's house even if I get a decent job. Everything is getting more and more expensive. Also, I'm not sure if I can get a job that I will even like. I'm not expecting my job to be this all grand life purpose that is going to fulfill all of my dreams and make me feel fulfilled in my life. I'm a big believer on finding fulfillment in other areas of my life instead of labor. I just want something that I can tolerate and that will help me have peace of mind and financial stability. I don't want to work upwards of 60-80 hours of week (I'm mentioning this because a lot of people who graduate from the program I'm in go on to work in things like investment banking and consulting that pay well but also work you to the bone to where you are burnt out and have no life). I've been stressed and/or burnt out for years at this point and sometimes it feels like there isn't an end in sight. I've always either been stressed out with school or I've been stressed out with my home environment and I can't really remember a time when my life wasn't like this. I don't want to keep living like this. And I don't think living with my parents for a few years to save money is an option unless I'm willing to crack my sanity like a glow stick like I did like a year ago which landed me into grippy socks jail for a few days and took me out of college for a couple of semesters. That's another thing, I know that I'm planning on cutting my parents off once I get a job and get on my feet but not having that financial support is freaking me out to where I am tempted to keep them in my life despite the shit they put me through. And I know it doesn't help to think about the past but sometimes I catch my mind drifting into the reality that my dad faced when he first immigrated to the U.S. where he was able to support himself, graduate college debt free, and have a decent amount of savings on MINIMUM WAGE. Meanwhile I'm here wondering if my potential job in corporate America will let me pay the bills. I stg if this was the 80s or some shit I would have moved out of my house in a heart beat once I turned 18 and cut them off without a second thought. I also sometimes feel like I don't have much to look forward to as it will be likely that I'm not going to be able to afford to have a family when I get older given how wages are stagnating and how I don't want to raise a child in poverty and I mean.... owning a home is a fucking fantasy at this point. I'm not really looking to settle down immediately after college so this is something that is kind of in the back of my mind, but it isn't the most pressing issue imo. But just knowing I would have that kind of option would have been nice. Also, rising rent prices is freaking me out since I always wanted to move out of Dallas and go else where into a larger city. I didn't do that because of college and I technically didn't have the option to because I didn't want to get into student loan debt by going somewhere out of state. It's like all of my goals in life have to be comprimised because of affordability and while I'm okay with things taking time and facing delays, again, it feels like there isn't an end in sight because of how shit is going. TLDR: I have 99 problems and having a fuck ton of money livable wage under good working conditions would probably solve like 80 of them.

@thisintegrated Everything except the N came out kind of towards the middle tbh. Don't know if that means anything. Honestly, I don't have a fucking clue. I have been forced to take this test a few times from school/work and I think MBTI is stupid because people act differently in different contexts and personality isn't a static thing.

wtf lol.... yeah I'm not any of those things lmao... ok so i looked through this and the only things that resonate are "hard to manipulate" and "have a threatening aura." But there are literally so many of these that I'm sure that if anyone were to scroll through, they'd find something they'd resonate with.

what are the stereotypes associated with being an ENTJ?

This happened to me once even though I wasn't planning on going home with the guy. I had a few drinks and I guess I was more outgoing and coming off as more flirtatious as I normally do. I had one of my friends come in and then we all went home together. The nex morning we were just going over the events of the following night and that friend was basically like *hey, i didn't know how many drinks you had but you were acting a bit out of the ordinary and you just met this guy and I didn't want you to get snatched up at that state or have anything happen to you.* She then went on to ask about if I ever gave this guy my number to which I replied no. She was then like *oh, he was cute and yall seemed like yall were having a good time* to inquire more about that whole interaction out of curiousity to which I explained that I was enjoying the conversation but wasn't really into him to where I wanted to sleep with him or go on a date with him. Also, I had to explain that my drunk personality is generally really cheerful, outgoing, and sometimes on the touchier side (i.e. more open to hugs from strangers, giving light nonsexual touches etc.). This friend knows me pretty well and I know she has good intentions. This was the first time that she saw me around alcohol since I don't really drink and she didn't know what my tolerance was like, to what extent I was still in control of that situation, or what I'm generally like at that state. She just wanted to be on the safer side because that's better than having some type of tragedy occur. And even though I was fine, I do appreciate the extra degree of caution as there can be a lot of sketchy and predatory creatures out there.

I really feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Part of me feels that if I had a healthy family that just sucking up the next few years to save up money from whatever job I get (whether it is something enjoy or not) would be the route that I would take. Again, I'm not opposed to things taking time and facing delays, but in my case particularly, my home life isn't good for this kind of move. On the flipside even if I had a bad home life, if economically things were more stable and there were more laws regarding working conditions, I think in my head there would be a way out of my home life that I wouldn't be freaking out about. I think it's the combination of a bad home life and a fucked up economy that is weighing on me whereas if it was an either or kind of situation, I wouldn't be as pressed. I pretty much lock myself in my room whenever I'm back home. It's kind of depressing but it's bareable and it's much better than the alternative. Or I try to come up with excuses to stay outside of the house by working or being with friends so that I would encounter my parents less. Currently I'm doing an internship I don't particularly like so that I can stay away from my parents even though I'm burnt out. Yeah... that's another thing, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to figure out a roommate situation if I do plan to move out of my area after college. The logistics of moving if that is what I choose to do is a whole nother stressor tbh but I'm planning on not focussing on that since this is pretty much a hypothetical at this moment.

I'm just gonna leave this here. Thoughts?

June To-Do List: Prior to Studying Abroad Hang out / reconnect with friends: It's something that gives me a lot of fulfillment. I also was trying to reconnect with friends earlier this year but I stopped like half way because I got sick and then finals happened. Do the readings for your summer classes coming up: Was heavily recommended by the professor so that we can enjoy the trip and not get bogged down by work. Plan some things to do for the study abroad trip: First time planning a trip, wish me luck! Go on a few dates: I'm currently dating a guy and I'm curious to see where it goes. Apply to jobs: Need to figure out my life for after graduation Continue the internship: Need that money and something that will take me out of the house since my family is toxic Work on the blog more: I haven't been on top of this because of how chaotic my semester has been but I really want to get back into writing because it's something that brings me a lot of fulfillment. Give yourself room to breathe and recover from burn out: Started getting symptoms of burn out in the tail end of the semester so I need to deal with that.

An Update Soooo.... The first date went well. Again, he seems like an over all normal and respectful person and an all around decent human being. But I think I'm past romanticizing that after this date. And that's not a bad thing, I mean we should expect to be treated well insted of thinking of it as something so amazing and unattainable. I remember initially I was pretty nervous going in, as nervous as most people are when they are meeting someone they don't know well and don't want things to be awkward. The date as a little awkward not gonna lie. But it isn't the kind of awkward that would make things weird or raise red flags. It's the kind of awkward where you don't really have much to say because you don't know the person really well yet. I guess if I were to put it, it was realistically awkward. I don't expect people to be their most charismatic, chattery selves on a first date so I'm not disappointed or turned off. I did enjoy my time though. We went to this nice pizza place and the food was amazing. I'm getting a good vibe from this guy over all. I enjoyed talking to him and I'm interested in going another date with him. I feel like we're on the same page with a lot of things when it comes to things like our sense of humor, general way of looking at things, and the way that we like to relax and enjoy ourselves. I will say however that I didn't really feel like a *spark* or anything as of right now. Again, probably has to do with me not knowing him super well. Granted, part of me was romanticizing him prior to the date so on one hand, while I'm glad that I'm pretty comfortable around this person and I don't have to hyper myself up over this, I guess there is that hopeless romantic part of me that wished this was one of those whirlwind, getting swept off your feet moments you often see in the media and is slightly disappointed. I do think that it is healthier that this whirlwind isn't happening though because getting attached and projecting your ideas on to a person when you don't know them isn't healthy for a variety of reasons. Like the pace as of right now feels very reasonable and comfortable. Sure, my thristy self kind of craves for something faster, but I'm willing to take some time when it comes to creating something more stable and sustainable. That's kind of how I would characterize our dynamic so far. We're just getting to know each other and so far it feels very stable, respectful, and just a dash of expected awkwardness. From what I'm gathering at least from this date and the conversations I have had with him afterwards, I'm pretty sure he's on the same page with all of this. I can tell that he's interested in getting to know me and that he enjoyed his time, but a lot of the way that he is treating me as more to do with general respect than romantic infatuation. And I think that is a very realistic way of taking this situation. Overall, glaring bright green flag. While I don't feel a spark or this kind of instantaneous feeling of connection and attraction to him, I'm not worried because I noticed that since I do like talking to him, keeping up contact doesn't feel like a chore. That was one of the things that I was thinking about where I was like *do I like this person* since I do have a bad habit of dating people I don't really like and hoping I'll grow to like them since I really want a relationship. But, I think this is different because in the other times, I would find myself getting slightly annoyed when someone would text me. I think there is a saying that's along the lines the brightest sparks fade the fastest so while a firework might be exciting at first, it isn't going to sustain you through the night unlike a fire that takes a while to get going and burns slowly. If this does turn into something, I think it would be one of those slow burn situations. Again, glaring green flag. Final verdict: Good guy, had a good time, both he and the dynamic seems stable and healthy, but I don't have many expectations as to how things are going to go since we're getting to know each other. Still feeling things out but I know for sure that I want a second date.

Financially, emotionally, and mentally stable with good health. Living a purposeful life after finding out what career path is right for me. Have traveled to a few places and lived in a different country. Built existing connections and made some new authentic ones and continued nurturing them and spending time with people who help me grow into a better person and whose presance I really enjoy and feel uplifted by. Maybe a dog or cat. Have an idea of where and how I want to settle down.

@Someone here That can happen. I personally haven't experienced it but I have heard that some people deal with postcoital dysphoria. It usually happens with consensual sex with other people rather than masturbation but this happens because the orgasm feels like such a high, and then you crash horomonly speaking. This can be especially true in bdsm related activities and thus can be psychologically related as well. In those cases, it's usually the sub (but it can also be the dom) who experiences postcoital dysphoria because of how emotionally laborious the whole sexual dynamic can be. There are some people who feel the urge to cry after all of this. I have experienced this a couple of times after masturbation. Which is why things like aftercare is so important regardless of what kind of sex you're having or even if you're masturbating tbh.

I mean.. it isn't always religious. In my experience at least, while a lot of the purity culture from my American peers does come from things like Christianity and how that shaped American culture to an extent, I found that for a lot of South Asian, particularly Hindu people, it isn't so much religion rather it's more of colonization and misogny (which is also related to colonization to an extent). Sexual shame can come from lots of different areas in life, it isn't just limitted to religion. That actually happens for both genders.

@Someone here I think a lot of it is pretty simple and just has to do with how there is still a lot of sexual shame spiraling around in society. Some corners of society has more of this shame than others but it's still there. Also, I think it can have to do with how you're using masturbation. If you don't have a healthy relationship with it and you're addicted to porn to deal with some type of issue in your life, then yeah, masturbation isn't going to feel so good afterwards becasue you're using it as a tool to further reinforce an unhealthy dynamic. One way I like to see the relativity of situations is by seeing different actions as tools rather than from a point of view of how A always leads to B. To illustrate, masturbation isn't always going to lead to guilt and shame rather it is how you use masturbation that determines how you're going to feel afterwards. I hope that makes sense.

@Someone here By decreasing sexual appetite you mean I'm not horny anymore afterwards, yeah. But if you mean my over all libido is gone, no. I do get a certain degree of decrease in energy in a sense of sometimes after something more on the intense end, I just want to close my eyes and take a nap or cuddle for the next 15-30 minutes. Instead of seeing this as a decrease in energy, I just see it as relaxation.

I picked relaxed because often times I do it so that I can fall asleep. But it also makes me feel energized or focused depending on time of day, why I'm doing it etc. And while I don't feel confident right away, I do think connecting to my sexuality long term has helped me in terms becoming more confident.

Wrote about this a while back:

@modmyth I appreciate it and I'll post an update in the next couple of days

Current mood

Romanticizing the Bare Minimum Yeah I decided to not talk to the guy above again. As gorgeous as he is and as horny as I am, he's getting on my nerves. But on the bright side, I met someone new AND THIS TIME IT WAS THROUGH A FRIEND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I wrote about the first time I hung out with him in my other journal. I refered to him as U. Basically U and my friend M knew each other since elementary school. U sat next to M on the school bus and M basically decided for the both of them to be friends and they kept in touch ever since. U doesn't go to my school but I know him through M because M had a bucket list before graduating college and she brought U along because he's into the type of mischeif we were going to attempt. I got a good impression of U purely on a platonic level. He is a fun person to be around and seems like an all around decent person. We also have a similar sense of humor. I didn't really think of him in a romantic light but M decided to set us up and asked me if it was ok to send U my number. He's not really my type but I did enjoy my time with him from before and I'm willing to give him a chance. I made the decision earlier this year that I'm not going to go on dates with guys I don't really like. And part of me wanted to write him off in that way. But also I personally feel like since we get along with one another at a bare bones platonic level that there is something to be said about there being a somewhat decent foundation where things won't be too awkward. Like I trust this person, especially since he has been friends with M for a long time. I know that M generally hangs around a good crowd and she isn't going to be setting me up with a psychopath lol. And plus we already hung out in a no pressure kind of environment where I was accompanied by a friend and where there was no pressure to escalate or do anything extra flirtation wise. We just had the space to just be and had no expectations. I remember M towards the end of us three hanging out we ran into my roommate passing by. She did mention that she was looking to set U up with someone and thought that my roommate would be a good match for him since they are weird / quirky in similar ways. Buutt.. the thing is... my roommate is VERY gay so that wasn't going to work. We both also tried to help this guy make a tinder because well we thought that would be fun to do. Again, didn't think much of it since I wasn't really looking at him in a romantic light. A couple days later, I don't rember whether M initiated the conversation or if it was U but basically U was like *yeah soos_mite_ah seems cool and I enjoyed us three hanging out together* and then M gave him my number after I said it was ok. We've been texting for the last few days or so, most of it is just normal stuff like like our interests and how our day has been. AND GET THIS, HE TREATS ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!! No weird horny texts, no ghosting, no constant messages, no weird calculated motives to make him seem less/more needy, no texts in the middle of the night. The messages aren't even dry either. Like he seems like a normal and healthy person and that is honestly making me so happy and makes me feel like maybe this could lead somewhere good. He's also making his intentions clear and we already made plans to meet up for a date. And I catch myself romanticizing him and daydreaming here and there. I know I'm pretty much hyping up the bare minimum, but considering my experiences with awkward tinder dates and an over all dry romantic life, this feels so refreshing. But also, I think part of this is healthy and normal in the sense that people often feel this rush when they are talking to someone new. And I think it's a good sign because again, I used to have this ineffective pattern of going on dates with guys I wasn't really interested in and basically forcing things especially with meeting people through apps. And in those times, I didn't feel happy or excited rather I felt stressed and annoyed everytime I would get a message from them. But that's not happening this time and I genuinely feel like I'm looking forward to seeing him and talking to him. But also I know that a lot of this is infatuation and that I don't know this guy very well. I think a lot of this infatuation is coming from the fact that he is treating me like a normal person. He's just been really respectful thus far and took the initiative to communicate his intentions and actually try to make plans with me. Even if he doesn't like me like that (honestly, I doubt that he likes me like that since he barely knows me), he kind of reminds me of the way that I normally act with anyone I'm initially dating whether I like them or not. Whether I am looking forward to a date or not, I still do try to make the effort to answer messages on time, keep the conversation wholesome but interesting, and make plans in a reasonable amount of time simply out of respect. And I get the sense that this is pretty much what he is doing. I mean, it's waaaay too early to figure out how either of us feel in this situation. Like I'm letting myself have this moment where I'm excited and infatuated but I know better than to romanticize a guy I barely know, not because I'm afraid to get attached but simply out of respect for not projecting things onto people. Over all, the way he is treating me is reminding me of this post that I wrote a few months back: I think other factors that play into this sense of romanticization is the notion of how this feels fated to a certain extent and how I'm currently dealing with exams. This feels kind of fated because the way I met M is kind of fated. Even though we go to the same school, I don't have classes with her, I don't encounter her on campus, and we don't have any common friends. I just started a conversation with this random girl at the coffee shop I was hanging out in and we just decided to keep in touch and be intentional with hanging out since then. If I hadn't started that conversation, there is no other way I would have met this person. And if that didn't happen, I would have never met U. Regarding exams, I know that whenever I'm under stress I'm usually either hornier than usual and/or more cuddly because that's my way of alleviating stress. I'm not feeling the horniness rn with this person but I do feel this general cuddling urge creeping in. Like.... I just want a hug and some basic physical affection rn and this situation feels perfect for that. Even though I am infatuated, I do still feel pretty grounded and comfortable with this whole situation. This isn't something that feels like some kind of euphoric rush. Refering to the post I linked above, I do think that it's a bright green flag that he is treating me like the stranger I am. I think a healthy dose of infatuation is fine so long as you don't get consumed by it to the point where you can't recognize a person for who they actually are. But anyways, I hope this date I'm about to go on goes well. I'm a little nervous since I'm hanging out with him alone instead of having a friend there to break any awkward silences. And just in general I'm always a little nervous about meeting new people lol. But even then I do feel calmer since I know that we get along at a baseline level so it can only be so awkward. Even if it doesn't turn into anything, I do generally like being around this person even if it isn't romantic.

I forgot to make the unloved section of my post. I think it's important to reiterate my previous post because there is often this notion of if someone is toxic, they are toxic 100% of the time when that is simply not the case. I also don't want to paint a rosy picture of my experiences. My parents were both pretty emotionally invalidating and my uncle as I grew up barely took the time to know me and would either project what I was like when I was 6 ish on to me now or what he thinks all kids are like. My uncle is also really bad at respecting people's boundaries to the point where my dad feels the need to lie to him a lot of the time because he knows that my uncle doesn't take that type of thing seriously. My dad also had a pretty explosive sense of anger back in the day and even though there are times where I deserved to be disciplined, some things that he said were completely out of line. My mom would also nitpick about my grades, appearance, and my friends to the point where I can't really trust her and talk to her. She would also constantly compare me to a couple of my friends who she really liked but when it came to the rest of my friends, she would basically trash talk about them for really petty reasons (i.e. she thought one of them was ugly etc.) My mom would also give me and my dad the silent treatment everytime she got pisssed off and that can range for a couple days to a couple of months. The longest was 4 months where she would barely talk to me. I also would get hit multiple times by my mom for the dumbest reasons (i.e. getting a 92 on an exam) to the point where I was legitimately afraid of her. She has tried to apologize multiple times for all of this but everytime it seemed very disengenous in the sense that she never quite understood why her behavior is wrong but rather she just wants to say thing so that I keep her in my life. And the sad part is, I don't think she is capable of understanding either. Both she and my dad have this idea of *let's sweep things under the rug and move on like it never happened.* And when I do display obvious symptoms of trauma I'm still processing, they are just like *just leave it in the past and move on already. We aren't doing anything to you anymore. Why do you have to hold on to this and wreck this family?* And it's like..... that is literally part of the problem. I wasn't given the time to heal at my own pace or on my own terms. Their idea of me healing is us being a happy family because that serves their interests yet the more I heal, the more I realize that I shouldn't be around them anymore. So there is a lot of conflict and lack of understanding there regarding why I'm so distant emotionally all the time. That's really scratching the surface. I would say that over all despite all of this and more, I never felt unloved by them because I know that they do care about me but they have their own fucked up shit they never addressed. If anything, I would say that rather than feeling unloved, I felt disrespected. Then again, I do often try to empathize them and try to get to the bottom of why they are the way they are (for better and for worse) to ease the frustration why I'm treated this way. I know that they love me and I love them back but I do recognize that my relationship with them was not healthy by any means.

I felt loved whenever people would spend quality time with me. That ranged from my mom watching TV with me, my dad and I sneaking out to get ice cream, and my uncle riding his bike with me and taking me to the park to play tennis. Even if it was just running errands, I still enjoyed tagging along and helping my family out. I just enjoyed people being present with me. I also felt loved when people would play silly little games with me. I was a very hyper active child so I needed to be pretty active or else I was prone to get cranky. It could range from playing pretend, making up stories, or playing practical jokes on people. I think I just really needed that outlet to help me grow as a child. Definitely helped me be more creative early on. Finally, I loved it when people would cuddle with me. I loved it when I could cuddle up with my grandmother and she would tell me stories of the ways that my dad got into trouble as a little kid. Another time I remember was when I liked taking naps with my dad and I would curl up next to him. I think a lot of this had to do with the rest of my family being relatively touchy feely and just an abundance of physical affection was shown to me and my cousins and as a result I got socialized accordingly. Now that I actually think about it, I don't think much has changed. I would say that my love language is close tie between physical touch and quality time. I also generally need people who are going to challenge me intellectually and creatively while still having a light hearted air about it both on a platonic and romantic level as well. So I think if I were to sum it up in a sentence, the things that would make me feel loved includes being present (physically and emotionally) and allowing yourself to grow in a fun way at your own pace.

I do believe there are studies on how porn can cause people to have different perceptions of sex and make them more likely to engage in violence. Also, from a woman's perspective, porn might look good but doing exactly what's on screen irl doesn't always feel the best. Because the camera is trying to get the best angle possible instead of depicting what might actually get a woman off. Also it's like 99% of the time from a man's (specifically a white man's) perspective so a lot of things can get skewed there. Not to mention a lot of the racist stereotypes porn puts on. That definately fucks with women and other minorities, especially women of color which can lead to things like fetishization and violence.