soos_mite_ah

I personally see it as a red flag if a guy can't just be friends with women.

@Etherial Cat I appreciate the thought but most of my issues with food have more to do with emotional things going on and my poor body image rather than the specific foods I am eating. I also have a bad habit built up over the years of continuously undereating due to always eating low calorie meals. That has been catching up to me nutritionally in the form of some deficiencies as well as in the form of a damaged metabolism. I haven't tried Hello Fresh before but I have seen many ads about them and it sounds interesting. I might give it a try after graduating college. Currently, much of my food is covered by tuition thankfully since I live on campus .

I've been having issues with food and body image and I found these videos to be pretty helpful:

Update: It went really well. I think I'm going to try to reconnect with the rest of the people from that group.

Learning from Old Relationships So I decided that I was going to reconnect with a friend. I am pretty nervous since I haven't heard from her for years now and I really don't want it to be awkward. I'm mainly writing this post because I feel like I need to get some of the emotional baggage I associate with this connection off of my chest and also I think it would be really beneficial for me to reflect on how I have changed and grown over the years. 1. One of the main things I think contributed to me drifting off from this person and their group of friends is my grandmother passing away. Funny enough, I'm reconnecting with this person very close to the 6 year anniversary of the event. But basically, I don't have family in the U.S. so me losing my grandmother was like losing a third of my family. It was also the first time I lost someone who I knew personally and who I saw on the daily basis. It was existential crisis inducing to say the least and worst of all, my parents weren't much help when it came to guiding me through how to process grief. I also had a lot of other people in my life pass away during this time and while I wasn't close to them as I was close to my grandmother, it did feel like picking at a wound that wasn't completely healed. As a result, I resulted in coping with this myself. I found myself growing, changeing a lot, and reevauluating a lot of things to where often times I couldn't recognize myself. I drifted from my friends during this time and I found myself never really reconnecting because I just didn't feel like I had much in common with them anymore even though I did really enjoy their company. I stuck around for a while but eventually things just got awkward because I felt like I was getting left out of things so I basically was like *hey we're drifting apart, I'm just gonna go instead of forcing this* 2. Part of the reason why I didn't have much in common with them was because I was basically in this constant state of existential crisis and basically was really emotionally intense. Like I remember that I really craved for a lot of deep conversations and I couldn't let loose at the time because basically, since I was at my late teens, my emotional depth perception and ability to process things critically was coming online developmentally lol. Ultimately, I just found myself not being able to emotionally relate to them. This has also caused me to get into some not so healthy dynamics with other friends where we basically bonded with each other on the basis of trauma and I was the therapist friend. I wouldn't say that these were toxic people or that we were in a toxic relationship, but it wasn't healthy and I didn't want it to get to that point where we resented one another so I cut things off first. I felt like I was emotionally a different stage of my life compared to my old friends. 4. I really felt like I needed to get my life together. I didn't think it was right for me to lean on this group of friends and I feel like I was doing the absolute most. Also, when we were in our teens, I highly doubt they were in the position to help me much because they didn't have the life experience or the skills to help me through some situations like dealing with grief. That isn't their fault, that is normal in their stage of emotional development. I would place the fault more on my parents because as adults, they should have the skills to help me in a constructive way to where I wouldn't need to feel like I needed to turn to my friends for life advice. I always had the intention to come back ot this group of friends. But I promised myself that if I were to come back, I'll come correct. And even though I don't have my life all the way together, I do think I'm in a significantly better place now to where I can be a good friend without the dynamic becoming unhealthy. Why do I think I'm in a better place now: 1. I can be vulnerable enough to communicate my boundaries as well as my needs in a relationship: Back then in like 2016-2018, I was incredibly emotionally closed off. I thought that showing emotion was a weakness and that I was overreacting when I didn't feel good in a situation. This fear of vulnerability wasn't this fuzzy thing that simply caused me to not get close to people but it was something that prevented me from effectively communicating. There were times in this relationship that I look back now and I cringe a little because so much could have been solved with a couple of conversations (albeit not so fun and kind of awkward conversation that my 16 year old self didn't want to have and didn't know how to have). 2. I sorted through a lot of my familiy issues. This was a huge source of stress when I was in high school and being able to go to college and get professional help was honestly life changing. I can't say that all of it is sorted through, but enough of it is to where I can be self aware about problems that may arise and deal with it in a healthy and proactive way. A lot of the issues I have at the moment are much more pandemic related and I think I'm in a good place as far as dealing with this goes. 3. I learned that I'm much better in one-on-one dynamics or small groups of people than friend groups that consisted of 5+ people. I find that having small groups of 3ish or hanging out one-on-one is so much healthier for me because it's easier to focus and get to know a person. Also, just in general when it comes to larger groups, I often find myself shrinking down, not because of any insecurities, but because I want everyone to have a voice and I'm too busy trying to listen to everyone than to speak. As a result, it becomes more difficult for people to get to know me. It's also easier to gage reciprocity without it turning into a competitive thing when you are dealing with less people. 4. I have gotten and am getting professional help. I noticed that when I started going to therapy that there was a lot of weight lifted off of my relationships because I can focus on having more lighthearted conversations when I had a specific professional I go to with my issues who can actually help me much momre than my friends could. That's not to say tha my friends cannot support me throught things, but it is to say that professional support just hits different. 5. I have healthy relationships in my life that are basically proof that I can sustain something like this. I also have more skills when it comes to dealing with conflict, asserting myself, and getting out of situations that no longer serve me. I'm not trauma bonding to people. I'm not getting my issues triggered. I'm communicating my needs and boundaries directly. So I'd say I'm doing well. 6. I got a lot of my attachment issues under control. I had an extrememly anxious attachment style mixed in with being dismissive avoidant. Later, when I dealt with my anxious attachment style, I swang to the other end and became rather emotionally unavailble. Though I still have a few anxious and avoidant tendencies here and there, I do have a better idea as to how to deal with them in the rare occasion that they resurface. 7. I think it was important for me to distance myself for a little bit to grow into who I am supposed to be instead to confining myself in familiar dyanamics with people. I have reconnected with people in my past before and I would say taking that break and giving one another that space to be authentic to ourselves, go after what each of us want without restrictions (i.e. going off to college across the country, investing time in other relationships etc.), and grow independently from one another was necessary for each of us to be better rounded and more secure in ourselves. Then, when we did reconnect, it actually turned out better than where we left off.

Mild Depression I have been feeling better since I have last posted this but the mild depression is still there. I think a lof of it also has to do with me not taking as much time for myself as I normally would. I have had a pretty packed schedule lately where I plan out my day by the hour. The only "me" time I have been getting lately is the bare minimum time I need to take care of myself (i.e. an hour for breakfast, 30 min for lunch, an hour for dinner, some time to take a shower, an hour to work out, some time to meditate). And while I do like that time for myself, I often feel like I'm recharging to do more work rather than spending quality time with myself wher I can let myself relax, do something creative, or just watch whatever tf is in my YouTube watch later playlist. The last few days I have been making the point to basically do the bare minimum when it comes to the tasks I have and I think I really needed that. And speaking of taking time for myself, last Thrusday I skipped all of my classes because I emotionally felt like I needed it. My study abroad trip I had planned for Japan fell through. There were 5x as many applicants as they normally have and they simply didn't have enough spots. I get a feeling that it likely has to do with how it is the most affordable program my school offers and everyone is itching to get out the area provided that they won't spend a fortune due to the pandemic. It was really disappointing. I found out on Wednesday night and I spent Thursday not going to class but letting myself feel and process as well as just take the day slow so I can take care of myself through this. This was something that I have been wanting to do for years but because of the pandemic, this fell through, not once, but twice. But the good thing is that I got to know about this news early. There is also a chance that the program won't happen in general because Japan's borders are closed. That day I woke up at around 9, took a long shower, and then went on a walk. I decided to stop by Starbucks and get an iced matcha latte and their chicken pesto sandwiches. I spent much of that day relaxing and then at 2 I went to the study abroad office to figure out where to go from there. Turns out I can do another program instead so I decided to do the one in London instead since it's the only program that satisfies my degree requiremtents. I have mixed feelings about it if I'm going to be completley honest. Then I had a couple things planned with my friend and there was also an event on campus with the art museam that's near by, so I went to that. I also ate plenty of chocolate for Valentines Day from a friend who gave some to me. She also gave me this bag of strawberry chocolates and those are so good. Overall, it was a good day. I don't regret skipping all of my classes that day. I really needed it. But that day and how I felt afterwards made me realize that part of the mild depression is likely me being tired and not spending unstructured time with myself. I need rest from my daily activities as well as the things I'm dealing with in the back of mind that I listed above. I also need to take that rest in an environment that has people who are just healthier to be around (so basically, me doing nothing at home during break doesn't count because of my household).

There are pleanty of people who are neurodivergent or not conventionally attractive but they don't turn into incels. Especially when it comes to the neurodivergent thing, there are a lot of stereotypes on how neurodivergent people can't empathize and how they are awful to be around. There isn't anything wrong with struggling with dating or coming late to the party when it comes to being sexually active. What separates incels from those who have issues wtih dating and those who are virgins at a later age is the ideology they have come up with and how it fuels bitterness and misogny. I agree that we shouldn't dehumanize incels and see them as subhuman, but it's also important to hold them accountable for their actions and lack of empathy and not blame it on neurodivergence and unfortunate looks. Blaming the actions and the ideology of incels on not getting laid, being neurodivergent, not being conventionally attractive etc. does a disservice to the normal individuals who deal with such things and stigmatizes their issues and it resolves accountabilty of incels.

Find out what is causing the anxiety through contemplation, therapy, journaling, meditation etc. Find out where the anxiety began. Than can give you clarity on how it came about, what you need etc. Being gentle with yourself and taking care of yourself physically and emotionally Validating those feelings of anxiety because they do come from somewhere and it is your psyche's way of protecting you and warning you Depending on the situation but exposure therapy can help (That's whn you expose yourself to the stressor in small doses and build it up until you aren't scared of said thing),

New To Do List Health Related: Had some blood results come back weird before. Part of it had to do with my doctor overprescibing me iron pills and the other part has to do with some of my unhealthy eating habits back. Either way, I need to deal with this. Get more bloodwork done: I had to get the iron to exit my system for the last few weeks but now I need to figure out where I stand. Go to a nutritionist to figure out wtf I'm supposed to do: My eating habits and my relationship with food is not the best at the moment and I think that professional guidance according to my health situation can clear up some of the misconceptions I have been having. Stop associating thinness with health: My health is more important even if I do gain weight. Limitting Beliefs/Other Emotional Issues: Mourn your college experience both socially and academically/careerwise: I have been dealing with a lot of FOMO and self deprecation surrounding not living my best life in college due to a variety of pandemic related issues. I'm still in the process of doing this and I feel that much of my imposter syndrome as of this moment has more to do with FOMO rather than a feeling of incapability. Deal with the constant feeling of not being enough in the back of my mind: Just to list my delusional thoughts out I feel like I'm not doing enough to be excelling in school to be successful after graduation, I feel like I'm not thin enough to be attractive or healthy. (the weight thing really fucks me up tbh) I feel like I'm not diligent enough with my work or that I'm not strict enough. I feel like I'm not interesting enough or have enough of a personality based on how college has gone. I feel like me doing a good job isn't enough because I'm not beating the person next to me. (I know this is super stage orange but that's the environment I'm currently in and even though this isn't what I believe logically, it is still something affecting me at the moment emotionally) I feel like I'm not doing enough unless I'm really high functioning as someone with ADHD. I often feel like I look too neurodivergent. I feel like I'm not healed enough or that I'm too neurotic, or that I express myself emotionally too much. Note: I think a lot of this has to do with my recent life experiences as well as my current environment at the moment. Deal with your body image issues: I started gaining weight since I have started eating like a normal person again and it's messing with my head. I'm working with a therapist when it comes to this issue. Mourn your family relationships that you are planning to let go: THERAPY Talk about your mild depression and how you tend to mentally check out: THERAPY Additional Things: Figure out ways to deal with revenge bedtime procrastination Carve out more time for yourself to not only rest but just to be and enjoy your time BLOG! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maintain Things in My Life: I do have a lot of good things going on at the moment and I think I just need to keep going and stay consistent. These are not items to be checked of rather they are things that I need to keep being mindful of going forward hence why they aren't bolded and are separted from the rest of this post. Maintain a consistent eating schedule and be mindful of self deprecating thoughts. Mauntain healthy coping skills Maintain the relationships you have with your friends and make it a point to spend time with them Maintain my current workout schedule Maintain the internship I have Maintain good grades

I tried a few more machines in the last few days. I'm also feeling out how the weights effect me because of how sore I got the last time. Basically I learned that just because you can doesn't mean you should. Adjustments: Dumbell Chest Press and Dumbell Curls: I was going 17.5-20lbs before and while I can do that, the soreness I got from that was not worth it. I've been using 15lb dumbells lately and while it isn't as challenging as I would like, I do have better form and I don't feel miserable the next day. Horizontal Leg Press; I didn't change the weights but I am doing 4 sets instead of 6 and I feel like that has been more reasonable for me. Trying New Things: Leg Curl: 110 lbs for both legs, 55lbs for one I confused the leg curl machine with the leg extention one and I embarrassed myself a couple times. But the change from always using the leg extention was nice. Chest Press Machine: 60-70lbs I tried this one out and I was surpised on how much I could do mainly because when I do dumbell chest presses, I usually only do 30lbs total (15lb dumbells on each arm). I guess things like gravity and maintaining a certain center of gravity with the weights also comes into play. I guess the same coule be said about doing dumbell flyes vs doing flyes on the machine. Machine Flyes: 50lbs When it comes to dumbell flys I usually do 15lbs which amounts to 7.5lb weights on each arm. So there is a big differece again due to things like gravity as I talked about with the chest press machine. Donkey Kick Machine: 80lbs The first time I tried it, I looked like a whole fool because I didn't know how to adjust the thing and it was set on the tall people setting. My legs couldn't properly reach back there lol. But this time I figured it out and I had someone help me, I did enjoy using this machine but I don't think I would want to use it when the gym is crowded because I don't want to deal with people staring. Tricep Pulldowns: 30-42.5lbs. I find a lot of the pulley exercises fun to do. Gonna admit, I have no idea what I'm going. I just do the thing where you pull down the bar towards you and it pulls back up after a rep. I noticed that the way that the bar is shaped can impact how many reps I can do and how much weight I can handle since sometimes I'm in an uncomfortable position. So... that's something to be mindful of. There is also another thing that I saw in the same area which is where you sit down and you pull the thing towards you. I really like that one too. I don't know what that particular exercise is called but I was enjoying myself. I use about the same weight as when I do the tricep pulldowns.

wait.. @Leo Gura so you can see everyone's pm's?

@flume Oh I definitately agree. I am currently working with my therapist on this and recent events that have triggered this in me. I'm also more than happy to message you.

So basically, I have been dealing with restrictive eating for a very long time. While I'm not underweight, my metabolism is really messed up and I'm starting to get different nutritional deficiencies. I have been letting myself eat whatever I want and while I have noticed my mood and my concentration be more consistant and stable, I have been trying to unlearn a lot regarding moralizations with food (i.e. labeling foods and good or bad and beating yourself up for eating a certain way). I find myself feeling guilty when I eat "junk food" (namely bread and chocolate). It's to the point where if I eat more on one day, I have this tendency to want to restrict or skip meals the next day. Also, I feel like the whole intermittent fasting thing that I did for a while along with not consistently eating at the same time threw off my regular hunger cues from an hour to hour basis. I know that I have disordered eating habits and a messed up relationship with food. But a lot of people dismiss me (and at times I tend to invalidate myself) because I'm not skin and bones, I'm about +10lbs overweight (at least fromt the last time I checked). I know that weight isn't the primary indicator of health for a variety of reasons but I have been conditioned to believe so. I do have a lot of muscle mass but I am squishy around the edges. I'm self conscious about not being toned and for not being skinny in general. The thing that messes me up the most is how my stomach isn't flat and how my chest makes me look much bigger than I am. I have been eating more than usual and since my metabolism is messed up, I did gain some weight. My clothes don't fit the same way they used to and I can feel my waist and my chest get 2 inches bigger. I know most people can't notice but my clothes fit tight and it isn't comfortable. It feels like a constant reminder of me "letting myself go." I currently feel really disgusted with my body even though when it comes to my relationship with food, I am doing better health wise. Physically, I feel like a blob. As a result, ther is a part of my mind that is telling me to abort mission and go back to restricting food and starving myself. I'm mainly writing this out so that I can vent and reflect. Thankfully I have friends who are very supportive emotionally and when it comes to my goal to have a healthier relationship with food. I'm planning on doing more bloodwork as well as get a few appointments with a nutritionist as well. I feel like I'm making progress but in the last couple weeks or so, the whole feeling disgusted with my body thing is really getting me.

I skipped the workout today because I was dealing with a lot of back pain from the day before. I'm pretty sure it was due to general muscle soreness but I just wasn't feeling it today. I slept in a little and I feel so much better. I really needed that.

@something_else I guess it can depend from person to person. I know for me personally, loud areas where I can't actually engage with a person and where I'm constantly getting over stimulated can be pretty overwhelming. I suppose I need to draw more of a distinction from generalized anxiety an social anxiety since for me, they tend to go hand in hand.

That doesn't make sense. Animals aren't nearly as conscious as humans and they too can fall prey to health issues. I guess what I'm trying to say is that justifying sickness and health and applying a moral value to it (in this case consciousness and awareness) can lead to things such as ableism and at worst eugenics. Especially in philosophy, there is a whole history of how white men have tried to paint things such as health, restrictive diets, and thinness as a sense of moral superiority (i.e. I'm fasting and restricting what I'm eating, therefore I'm more disciplined and more conscious). Of course, if there is a health issue you need to tend to, tend to it. And if you think altering your diet is the way to do that, do that with professional supervision. But don't expect other people's bodies to respond the same way and definately don't think that it has anything to do with their level of consciousness or that their health situation says anything about what they are like as people.

If the anxiety is that overwhelming, I wouldn't recommed going to a club right away. That's like going from 0-100 without anything in between. You can practice your socialization skills at work, school, restaurants and a variety of other circumstances. Sure, try clubbing, but if it's too anxiety inducing and you're not enjoying it at all, it's best to respect those boundaries and do things gradually. I thought I would especially emphasize that point about not forcing things because from what I can gather from the first post, OP is acting from a place where they are trying to force having a personality instead of trying to explore the one they have. And especially when you feel like you're a blank slate, self discovery is so important and part of that is indentifying what you do and don't like rather than forcing yourself into situations that are simply not in allignment.

I agree with @Matthew85. If this is not your domain, it's best not to force it. The most growth comes when you embrace yourself and work with what you have rather than forcing something that doesn't feel authentic. I'm kind of in the same boat where I don't really like parties and I find them to be really loud and overwhelming to where I find it difficult to connect to others. I'm generally really good with people, that is just not the setting or the crowd for me. And that is ok. I think this answer comes from being true to yourself and being mindful in your social interactions when you are naturally yourself. Figuring out your person if you will has so much to do with your own sense authenticity and making yourself fit into a limitted carciacture of your identity would be really limitting and likely won't be as fun for you because you always would have to keep up with appearances. Dude... you really need to get out of your head. There is no "wrong" way to socialize so long as you aren't manipulating, exploiting, or otherwise harming people. No wonder socializing is so draining for you. You are spending all of this emotional labor to craft certain responses instead of acting in a way that comes naturally to you. It's ok if you are a blank slate of sorts and it's ok to have period of silence. It might seem awkward to you but trust me, a lot of people see it as a breath of fresh air during an interaction because there is less pressue. Don't "forge" a personality or I guess in this case perform a personality. That will lead into more of the exhaustion that you are talking about. Instead of seeing it as creating a personality, try to approach it as discovering your personality. That will help you tap into being, help you be more authentic, and help you take out a lot of the pressure you're putting on yourself.

Ngl this can turn into ableism real quick Sometimes people luck out genetically and there is no need to add extra meanings to things like this.

A Brief Life Update Featuring **Mild Depression** I know that I haven't been writing a lot lately and much of it has to do with my work load as well as this form of mild depression that I'm experiencing that is basically due to a nice cocktail of issues. I'm mainly writing this down because even though I don't have much inspiration for a substantive post, I'm still itching to write something and I want to process a bunch of random things that's been happeining in my life since there is a part of me that feels like I'm in a dissassociative state of sorts. I got around to watching Encanto: Honestly, this movie is amazing. It explains the dynamics of generational trauma and dysfunctional families really well and I walked away from that movie reevaluating my life. There is no definitive villian in the movie other than traumatic experiences and I loved how basically each family member's powers alluded to the messed up roles they play. I feel like I could do a whole nother post on me relating to each of the characters tbh. It was such a good movie. I got an internship for the semester: In my last life update I wrote about how I was stressing about the whole interview process. Welp... a couple weeks ago I got a call back and I just finished my first week there. I didn't really do much since the first day was me meeting with people who I'm going to be working with and the second and third day were basically cancelled because of the big winter storm that came through Dallas (I'm working on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with the exception of one, to accomodate for me having a job). Not sure how this will go because while I'm not picking up on any red flags, there are a few yellow flags that I have encountered sooooo how chaotic this well be is undecided. I do like that I get to work with multiple departments and projects that could help me narrow down what I want to do after graduation so that's my main objective going in. And if this doesn't work out.... welll.... at least my resume won't look like a skinny legend. I've been dealing with a disordered relationship with food: I am working through a lot of limitting beliefs around my health and food after visiting a couple of nutty doctors and after spending a month with my mom hyper analyzing my body, my eating habits, and my exercise habits. Those things triggered the fuck out of me and I've been trying to deal with that for the last 3 weeks or so. I'm so lucky to have a supportative roommate who is willing to help me talk through things with them and is willing to check up on me. That has been so fucking helpful and I cannot be more grateful for them. Dealing with nutty doctors: I almost overdosed on high dose iron pills that my oncologist overprescribed (I got refered to an oncologist for my iron deficiency it's a little weird I know). That definitely fucked up my blood work and when I brought it up to my primary care physician, he was like *oh know guess I forgot to note down you were on this prescription my bad. I guess things make more sense now.* The fact that he didn't notice this until I pointed it out and started getting weird symptoms is concerning to say the least but at least he told me to get off these pills. I'm going to get some more blood work done in a few weeks so I can actually figure out wtf is going on with my body. But yeah.... it's been a trip.... Made time to hang out with friends: I caught up with some of the friends I made last semester and its been going well. I'm proud of myself for maintaining these relationships and I found myself some good people to be around. It makes me feel more like a person tbh. Right at this moment I don't feel like putting myself out there all that much because of the mild depression but I'm sure it's going to pass. I'm currently living next to a trap house: this might be a whole post of it's own. But these people are really annoying and I hope they learn to stfu. I don't care what they are doing behind those doors just for fucks sake don't scream at 2 am in the morning on a weeknight for the love of god. My roommate and I celebrated lunar new years: We made sushi rolls and shrimp from scratch and then watched a couple movies together. We planned this out a couple weeks in advance, saved up, and then bought the stuff a couple days before. We also bought a bunch of snacks from the Asian market and I tried a lot of new foods, all of which I loved. It was just an all around good time and I'm looking forward to cooking with them not only because they are an amazing cook but because I really like their company. I've been getting ahead of my classes: I'm taking more classes than last semester and I'm working which is why I tried to get ahead espeically upon finding out that I got the internship I mentioned above. I've been rather stressed because of that and I've been spending a lot of long hours just doing that. I've been taking the last couple days to just rest so I don't end up burning myself out. It's a lot but I'm managaing. But yeah, the first week was me figuring out my schedules and trying to get my books in soon so that I don't fall behing and then the second week and half of this week was me getting ahead of things. It's been pretty exhausting. I'm awaiting to hear back from the study abroad people: I'm hoping to study abroad in Japan so I can knock out a couple of classes and so I can get out of the U.S. for a hot minute. I know there is a pandemic happening but I feel like I'm going insane at this point and I feel like I really need to branch out because of that and because I really want to have this be a part of my whole experience in college. This is something that is really important for me. I started weightlifting and going to the gym again: My roommate is doing this weight lifting class and they really need someone to keep them accountable. Lucky for them, I too need someone to keep me accountable when it comes to going to the gym. I went to the gym yesterday with my roommate just so we can see where we were at as a starting point. That was really fun and I will admit was a pleasant surprise since I haven't lost any strength in tha last 2 years and if anything am stronger now. I am really proud of the fact that I can do 200lbs on the leg press and 110lbs on the standing calf raise machine. The later was especially an ego boost because right after I finished, there was a gym bro that started using the machine and this man walked up to that machine looking really cocky. He didn't adjust the weight or anything so he was doing the same weight I was doing and this man ended up red in the face (guess the guy kept skipping leg day). And so from now on I'm going to use that as motivation in the gym. I strive to be that person who looks like they can't do much but will intimidate the fuck out of anyone who manages to see or try what I'm doing for a workout. Mild depression: I think this has to do with a combination of the following: mourning my college experience because I didn't have the happiest experience in the last few years mourning my family relationships since I'm in the process of cutting things off dealing with my body insecurities (and just insecurities in general) as well as a messed up relationship with food being burnt out mentally from dealling with school and running around with little time to breathe or have time for myself being burnt out emotionally from living with my parents during Christmas break and last but not least, just good ol' seasonal depression But basically, I haven't been feeling like myself lately and as a result I haven't been in a super sociable mood to where I feel comfortable with meeting with new people and I haven't been creative to where I felt as if I could make a lot of posts. I have been feeling like a more watered down version of myself for the last 3 weeks or so. I feel like I'm in a somewhat dissassociated state of sorts and I really have to stick to my meditation habit to stay presant. It's been a little frustrating but at the very least I feel like I can still function. I'm maintaing relationships with people and staying relatively social. I'm keeping up with school with no issues with staying up to date with assignments. I'm keeping up with my health physically. And finally I'm going all of the self care things I need to do to keep myself in check. I definitely don't feel like I'm spiraling but I do feel myself flat lining a bit and having an existential crisis about what it is I'm doing with my life and where tf I'm going to be at the end of the year. I do see this as a passing thing but doing this much emotional labor on a regular basis does feel exhausting at times. I feel myself really wanting this breath of fresh air emotionally speaking. I really just want a break tbh.

I think this dynamic is also important to take into consideration when trying to separate attraction from manipulation. Because there are some people who try to use the distance-pursuer dynamic to artificially hook someone in. And while there are some people who try to separate attraction skills and relationship skills, I think it's important to be more critical of "attraction strategies" since it can create a shaky foundation for any dynamic, casual or otherwise, depending on who you end up attracting.

Thoughts?

We typically find joy and comfort in things not in things that are good for us but rather things that we find familiar. So even though a toxic dynamic maybe detrimental, to some people, because that is what is normalized to them, that is what they find themselves gravitating towards because on some level it feels safe. They also tend to be drawn to people who are the same way. There is nothing wrong with challenging yourself to grow into a better version of yourself and to experience life, but there is a healthy and unhealthy way of going about it. Learning new skills and opening up to new experiences are great. But seeking out drama and negative emotions because you're used to solving problems due to always being on survival mode is far from functional. And to dysfunctional, chaotic people, things like happiness, contentment, peace, or just a healthy stable lifestyle seems boring to them because that isn't what they are used to.