soos_mite_ah

Not sure what section this falls under so here goes nothing lol. First, a little background: I found myself relying on things like astrology and tarot to give myself a sense of certainty and predictability during the pandemic. While I don't believe in either completely, these do serve as a coping mechanism that helps me sleep at night. Also, there is this guy that I like. I have no intention on pursuing him for various reasons but I do think about him a lot and make up romantic scenarios in my head. I do this much more often than I care on admitting. I most definitely use the idea of him as a coping mechanism and whenever I feel down, I try to imagine him telling me exactly what I need to hear and cuddling next to him even though this is all technically me soothing myself and this is me incorporating positive self talk. I told my therapist about all of this and she more or less told me that none of these things are problematic and that I'm going about it in a healthy way. But I still feel like I'm using the idea of this guy, astrology, and tarot as these psychological safety blankets to get through my current life and I do not like that. I think my therapist is trying to point me towards the direction of accepting this somewhat embarrassing part of myself so that it's a non issue while I'm here feeling like she's encouraging behaviors that I'm trying to get rid of. Should I take my therapist's point of view and stop worrying about my weird coping mechanisms since they aren't harming me or other people? Or should I make an effort to get over my psychological safety blanket on my own?

I'm currently in the mood for something that starts off as really giggly, innocent and playful. I'm talking kisses on the cheek and forehead, cuddling, tickling each other, nuzzling, wrestling, holding each other, running finders through each others hair, kissing each others hands etc. And then when I'm bright red that's when things take a sexier turn.

Emotional To Do List: Deal with imposter syndrome and general limiting beliefs around self confidence Deal with dormant doomer spirals make time to work out (start when spring semester starts) Take care of yourself so you don't burn yourself out (burn out is the last thing I need right now) (This is an ongoing thing for now and the future)

Logistical To Do List Bolded Items are things to focus on right now for the next 2 months Figure out what you're going to do regarding study abroad, your foreign language requirement, and your graduation date and the implications around those decisions Meet with the study abroad office (1 appointment) Language Oral Proficiency Tests (1-2 appointments) Meet with career center to discuss resumes and study abroad (2-3 appointments) Get a hair cut and buy some clothes because your things are getting worn out and you look a mess lol. Line up a job or at the very least narrow down your career path for after graduation (again, doesn't have to be something you're super passionate about or that is aligned with your purpose but it needs to be something that has enough money to be financially stable, enough benefits so you feel like you have peace of mind, and relatively chill so you have a moment of stability) Get a job on campus or near school to get the money to pay for a deposit for a future apartment after graduating, potentially moving out of the country, or just for savings in general. (figure things out by seeing how spring semester goes as far as course load is considered) See if you can get a research fellowship by applying in the spring (work on maybe during winter break) Hopefully have some plans to travel on your own (whether that be study abroad or right after graduating) (keep in the back of your mind) Maintain the friendships you have and go out and make new ones if that's how things work out. Check in with yourself at the following times: Right before spring semester starts (so around Jan 15) March 15 2022 May 2022

After writing out the last couple of posts and gaging where I'm at so far, I just wanted to say that I had no idea that I was making this much progress since August. I especially had no idea I was making so much progress since when I first made this journal. Granted I guess you could say some of it is a cop out because they turned out to be nonissues but even then, I've done and grown a lot. I'm not trying to hype myself up but I do think that acknowledging what I have done and am doing is a very important part of me knowing where I'm at and therefore knowing what kind of action is appropriate for me so I don't end up hyper-focusing on something and creating problems. But yeah, I've come a long way. And I'm getting my shit together slowly but surely.

Yeah most definitely. Having a similar understanding of goals can prevent a lot of miscommunication and avoid being misdirected in a place that isn't productive for you to go on. Tbh I was a little annoyed too when she said that it didn't sound like I had a problem when I thought I was very clearly neurotic. I was sitting there for a couple minutes thinking "Is this lady enabling my neurosis? Is she even the right therapist I should go to with this particular issue?" I guess whether it is good or bad news, in the end of the day we always want people and our realities to reaffirm what we were already thinking. And this can manifest in both a good and a bad way. Good in the way that validating our thoughts and feelings can help us surrender to experience and process what we are going through while feeling supported. Bad in the way that this type of thinking can lead people into echo chamber or the trap of masochistic epistemology where they keep feeding themselves self deprecating information to reaffirm their beliefs as absolute truth. So basically, don't pick at it or actively work against it to resolve it because that might lead to more problems. It will go away naturally when you are no longer in the place to need the anchor. That's what I'm getting at by reading this comment and a few others on this thread.

The first part (1-3) are things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out. The second part (4-6) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. Finally, the third part (7-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it).

Update: It's been a couple days since that incident and I'm also in a group project with the guy who stared me down. I went to this meeting for this group project and acted like nothing happened because I figured that it's only going to be awkward if I made it awkward. I don't feel anxious any more but I will say that I'm not looking forward to seeing my grade on this presentation and that I'm concerned about how that will impact things at the end of the semester. I feel kind of stressed tbh.

@Carl-Richard I am planning on bringing it up during our next session but I also wanted to do some introspection before then to see what my biases are and understand exactly where I'm coming from so I can communicate this better. @mandyjw @LordFall so what I'm getting at is that a healthy level of delusion is alright so long as you're aware that it's delusion lmao ? I guess my thing with why I want to get rid of this psychological safety blanket so to say is because I know that it isn't directly aligned with the truth. I'm afraid that because there is that misalignment that this can get come in between me and my growth in the future (similar to how I guess some super religious people, though them practicing religion isn't to the point where it's hurting anyone, it still holds them back from fully integrating future stages of development). Some biases/ blind spots I might be having: Maybe this is my spiritual ego talking and wanting always align with the truth? Maybe this is my previous judgements of religion coming out from my days of being a raging atheist years ago even though I no longer identify in that way (and haven't for years)? Maybe this is me putting too much pressure on being competent and self assured in the face of uncertainty and chaos before actually being ready to do so? Or maybe this desire to hold on to my coping mechanisms are simply a way to avoid the reality of chaos?

EDIT: I also want to add a note for myself that I have been doing a lot especially given how October has a drain on my psyche. Even though I didn't accomplish as much as I hoped to do so, I do want to acknowledge how much work I have done in terms of taking care of myself physically and emotionally during this time. I've also been sick on and off for the last month because sometimes my anxiety and depression takes things out on me physically so there is that as well. EDIT 2: I decided to cross out number 4 and 8 after having a thread on this forum and a few conversations with my therapist. I think it's pretty much a nonissue (that's why it's in gray) and worrying about "solving" this won't really help me much, both in terms of getting over this, as well as my current mental state. The thread in question:

There are plenty of women who are looking to have casual sex. The main thing is that you be honest with your intentions and don't promise anything you can't deliver. If she says otherwise, respect both her boundaries and your needs, walk away, and don't take things personally. That's all it really takes to be ethical.

I know these aren't super spiritual but these are just small examples. Social Media and YouTube I used to watch that shit constantly and then one day I just got tired of it. So now, my ig and sc are lurk accounts that I occasionally check up on and I only watch youtube like once a week. Most games on my phone For some reason, I get really addicted to playing games on my phone. And in those times, I basically spend a couple of days playing the same game for hours on end until I'm so tired of the game to where I'm over it. Junk Food A lot of this has to do with how people approach intuitive eating. Basically, that's when you let yourself eat whatever you want without judgement. The without judgement part is crucial because doing so helps you heal any unhealthy attitudes you may have of food (this method is often used to help people heal damaged metabolisms as well as eating disorders) and get rid of the novelty behind the so called "guilty pleasures." Then, at some point, you just stop caring about junk food and you find yourself gravitating towards healthy food in the first place. Alcohol Granted, I didn't have a lot of karma in this area but I had one bad experience and I was like *that's it, I'm done.* I know people joke about how everyone says that but then they go back and do it again but so far that hasn't happened. I've stayed true to that claim. Chasing Success and Recognition I feel like my life was built up in a way that enabled me to burn through this really soon. My parents pushed this on to me since I was a child and while I do benefit from it a lot, growing up I recognized the limitations early on. But at this point I'm mostly over it. Being the therapist friend I wanted to see what it would be like if I poured my therapist, advice giving tendencies onto this site. I did that for a few months and I feel like I don't do this as much irl anymore and this has helped me create healthier relationships.

How did that go for you? And, yeah I wonder how much of a difference going to school in somewhere like Norway would be like compared to where I'm at now lol

I have experience with being asexual and I have identified as such at one point (it's a long story). I have written about this a lot in my journal because I feel like my asexuality has greatly impacted the way I see the nuances of sex even though I no longer identify as asexual. Here are a couple posts that I really recommend checking out for anyone interested:

@SonataAllegro I'd rather not get super specific since I want to keep a sense of anonymity but I will say that it's a private university in Texas.

He bragged about working nonstop for a decade straight where he didn't take any breaks, any time off, or any time to spend with this friends and family. That is neurotic af. A lot of it is likely very surface level marketing. He is on the record of saying how being marginalized and poor is a great advantage and how people just need to be grateful and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. He is so deeply entrenched in hustle culture to where he doesn't see how marginalized people are at a disadvantage because rich kids with trust funds have an existential crisis. There is little to no green in his message.

bump

If I were you I would try to lean into my feminine side more and try to emotionally support her through this by being empathetic and communicating both what is going on with you, but also what she's emotionally going through. And then you need to find a way to get both of those needs met. Relationships are usually 50-50 but sometimes they might lean a little one way or another for a time being because everyone needs help every now and then.

I mean, people are complex beings and no man is a 100% masculine and no woman is a 100% feminine. And expecting her to be feminine all the time only embrace one side of her is pretty demeaning imo because then you aren't really seeing her as a whole person. She has a masculine side and deserves to be able to embrace it, just like you have your feminine side and you deserve to embrace that as well in order to be a well integrated person. It might be part of a phase where she is encountering a situation where she needs embrace one part of herself over another or maybe this is a side to her that wasn't being acknowledged or discovered in the past.

This doesn't include precautions like testing, having a trip sitter, measuring dosages etc. This has more to do with things that I want to make sure I have done before choosing to experiment with psychedelics. I know this might seem like a lot (or perfectly reasonable) but since I'm waiting til I'm 25 to do psychedelics, I want to make sure I can do as much as I can between now and then to have a high quality trip. Be over 25: Need to have the prefrontal cortex developed. Don't want to mess up my neurological development. Have at least 2 years of mental stability. I don't want to see demons and shit. This means for 2 years there are: No anxiety attacks no depressive episodes healthy habits are in place exercising regularly be mindful of the content you consume Deal with most traumatic events and process them to where they don't hold you back or effect you Have basic survival dealt with in a sustainable/ conscious way: can financially support myself without being anxious about money in a job that I find fulfilling if not at the very least bearable have healthy and fulfilling relationships (both platonic and romantic) health wise I'm doing well and not on any medication that could interfere with psychedelics Be firmly into stage yellow in spiral dynamics and be firmly aware in the strategist and construct aware stages in the 9 stages of ego development Exhaust stage green tendencies Deal with any emotional hang ups from the previous stages Continue quality self education after college Educate yourself on mystical traditions, nonduality, and philosophy for at least a year familiarize with stage turquoise/ unitive aware stage and concepts watch Leo's videos on nonduality and psychedelic usage (been ignoring them for now because I'm simply not ready) Travel to a place where you can do this with the supervision of a professional and where this is legal could include/ mean visiting a shaman or doing it in a country where it is legal and regulated (don't want to deal with jail time or any complications that can arise in an uncontrolled environment) What do you guys think? Is there anything else that I should add to the list? Is there anything that seems a little much?

So going forward should I keep theory to a minimum and take precautions to work on myself until I feel like I'm ready for direct experience? Maybe instead of looking into theory before, I should look at it later on after I have my own experience to go off of and can resonate with different traditions and see what makes sense to me(so that the exploration of different ideas comes from a place of resonance rather that me outsourcing experience to other sources)? I guess this was miscommunication on my part. I normally associate studying with exploring different points of view and I suppose your definition of sharing experiences. I would consider myself at the very beginning (as in barely scratching the surface) of the spiritual process as it relates to things like nonduality and mysticism. I'm guessing you think that I'm over thinking all of this ?

Just thought of this video after writing the above

Revisiting a Past Version of Myself I'm a little freaked out by this video. I had a similar conversation with similar points with a friend a couple weeks back. On top of that, this video word for word feels like a lot of the idealism and the goals that I had when I was 17/18 years old. I don't know how to feel about that. I suppose it's because there is a lot going underneath the surface and I suppose this journal post is simply me trying to make sense of myself. I do feel a little bit of sadness mixed in with nostalgia. Sadness because I miss the idealism I had back then. Nostalgia because it felt like I was looking at a past version of myself for better and for worse. The past version of myself had a very optimistic view of the future. It's the way that I held on at the time. I told myself that once I went off to college, dealt with my childhood trauma through therapy, I would basically be unstoppable in the face of my goals. I would study abroad, get my career together, get amazing grades, hold together a part time job to save up for travel, be either an RA or a TA, and have a solid group of friends etc. I just had to endure a couple more years in my parents house. And if I'm going to be honest, I came very close to that reality. When I don't have any of my mental blockages, I can actualize my goals (or manifest so lol) so quickly. Like I'm basically the energizer bunny who is capable of doing multiple things at once all well. I got a taste of that just right before the pandemic. And I remember during those few months, I was basically high on life and so ready to step into this next chapter of my life free from abuse, depression, and anxiety. Then the pandemic hit and I acquired a new flavor of crazy to recover from. In some ways I feel like I'm starting back at square one when I scheduled in the fact that at this point I'll be at square 8. I feel like there was that sense of naivety to assume that things were going to seamlessly. And I don't blame myself. There is no way I could have known that things would've turned out this way. I would say that now, I still have this optimistic view of the future. But it isn't nearly as bright eyed and bushy tailed as it was back then. I would characterize my optimism right now as rooted in something that is very slow and consistent. Like I know I'm getting there, it's just going to take a while. I suppose the upside to this is that I'm more patient, resilient, disciplined, and well thought out. But I miss how simple things were and how easy my goals seemed at the time. Now I overthink everything and take time to get things done because I doubt a lot of my abilities and doubt my surroundings because I feel like I'm not standing under stable ground. On the other hand, this past version of myself had a lot of escapist tendencies. I had a lot of happiness bottlenecks at the time and I thought the only way that I would be able to be happy is if I moved to NYC, found my people, cut out my family, and travelled a lot in my early 20s. Upon everything that could go wrong going wrong, I realized that I actually don't need that much to be happy. I realized that I can still find a lot of happiness in a couple of people, living in a suburb, and travelling every now and then. I don't necessarily have to go all out. That's not to say that I don't want to do these things (ok, I don't think NYC is for me anymore tbh) but it's to say that I don't have the same kind of attachment that I used to have in my goals. And that attachment was along the lines of *if I don't do xyz I'm going to be miserable and wasting my life.* Back then I had a lot of misplaced hatred towards Dallas, Texas, and the U.S. as a whole. Turns out I don't actually hate it here. Hell, I don't even hate the small town I grew up in. I just hated living with my parents and I wanted to get far, far away from them and fall into the arms of this stage green type of hedonism. I talk more about stage green hedonism and how it shaped my ideal of a life well lived in a previous post. I think much of what I was intending on writing is basically a repetition of this post: I think in addition to the sadness and the nostalgia, there is almost this sense of closure that comes over me, as if I'm better able to access this previous version of myself that has since passed on. It reminds me of how far I've come in understanding what it means to live a fulfilling life (in the post I linked above I talked about how stage green hedonism felt like THE BLUEPRINT of living an actualized life). And this gives me a sense of peace. I like the person who I'm growing into, slowly but surely. I have faith in that person as well. And I feel like even if things don't turn out the way that I hoped or intended it to, I'm pretty sure I'll still have a happy and fulfilling life regardless. Because I remember back then (and sometimes even now to a certain extent), I felt that I needed to go out and search for meaning by doing things that are larger than life to be fulfilled. And though that is a nice bonus, it's just that, a bonus. I can still find meaning here in the depth of my own experience by just being conscious of my day to day. I guess the thing that is holding me back now is the expectations that 2017 soos_mite_ah held 2021 soos_mite_ah to. That has been contributing to me feeling like I haven't been living a full life in the past couple years and contributing to me having imposter syndrome. And I feel like watching this video gave me that sense of peace and closure I need to let go of those expectations. I'm not letting go of my goals and I'm not letting go of the journey. I'm simply letting go of the impatience and the death grip I had in getting to the finish line. I'll get there when I'll get there and that's perfectly fine. And now that I think of the emotions of sadness, nostalgia, peace, and closure, I can't help but notice how these are also common emotions in mourning. For the last couple months, that's honestly how I felt. I felt like I was mourning the pre-pandemic version of myself that was last on campus. I felt like I was mourning my college experience. I felt like I was mourning my potential and how things didn't turn out like I wanted. And I think it's a good sign that I'm finally getting to that place of peace and closure especially since I would say that these emotions didn't cut me to the core and make me feel neurotic. EDIT: I'm not trying to label this guy or this video as the poster child of stage green hedonism lol. This is just reminding me of my goals and ideals like 4 years ago. This is me 1000% projecting and trying to make sense of that projection