soos_mite_ah

Back then, kids with ADHD were written off as as being a bad kid and often had parents who would try to "discipline" the ADHD out of them. My parent's took that approach and I know of adults with ADHD who had their parents do the same. At the same time, I don't think that ADHD is a new phenomenon. It's been around since ancient times and was even helpful in survival.

Who TF Would I Be Without the Internet Ok straight off the bat, I know that I'm probably going to get some eye rolls from anyone older than me. Like I dead ass don't remember a time before the internet. I remember a time before I was on the internet and the first time I used it, but I don't remember a world completely without it. I remember being like 5 years old and walking into the computer room where my dad would do his work and ask him to come play with me or cuddle / read me stories before tucking me into bed. I remember back then just associating computers as the thing that adults used to do their jobs. Then, when I was around 6-7 years old, I was talking to my friends and I discovered things like WebKinz, Club Penguin, cartoonnetwork.com etc. and after that I would spend like an hour or two on the computer everyday. I wouldn't say that I was always online until I hit my early teens tbh. I was more so into catching pokemon on my nintendo ds and I would go online to figure out how to progress the plot line if there was a part I got stuck in. These thoughts came to me after watching a couple of videos on YouTube: I feel like I can imagine most of the scenarios on here but the stuff that was related to the internet would get to me. Don't remember which video talked about this but the one that got to me was the idea of a bunch of people arguing in a pub on what was the biggest ___ and what was the oldest ____ and not being able to fact check it then and there. Apparently, this problem is the reason why the Guinness Book of World Records exists. Another instance is about having to take chances when it came to discovering music at a music store or buying a whole album because you liked that one song on the radio only to hate the rest of the album. This isn't in any of the videos but imagining how to go about applying to jobs and colleges without the internet. I know that sounds hella dumb but it just seems like it would be such a hassle. But the main thing that messes with my head is how would I do my work without the internet. Especially with research for my classes are concerned. Like damn, I would actually have to spend a shit ton of time actually flipping through a bunch of books. I know that sounds hella dumb when I write it out and I probably sound like a boomer meme but I'm talking about spending a 30 min to an hour searching for a source, flipping through it, only to find out that it has nothing to do with what you're actually trying to research for class. This is going to sound even weirder but especially since the pandemic, the idea of printing out a paper and submitting that physically or in some cases taking tests physically feels kind of weird even though I have most definitely done that. Now that I think about it, I haven't had to take a physical test since the pandemic. Also, I haven't had to print out a paper since high school. Everything has been through our student portal thingy (my school uses Canvas, not sure about other schools). Also, how the fuck would the pandemic have played out if we didn't have the internet. Though the pandemic has been a mess, I wonder what things would be like if we couldn't use zoom or order shit online. Again, I know, dumb question because pandemics have been happening since before the internet... but still. I can for the most part see myself doing different recreational activities and socializing without the internet. Much of that is how during the summers I would travel to India to visit my family. My uncle didn't see the point on having the internet in the house since he only used it for work in his office. So, basically my cousins and I would annoy tf out of each other and explore our hobbies. I feel like I would be reading much more and painting/making more art rather than writing and searching up things to look into on YouTube. I think I would actually give a fuck about what's on TV (dead ass don't even watch it unless I'm back in my parent's house and they insist on me joining with them). I mean, I don't even really watch netflix like that either since I have found commentary channels on YouTube that fits my interests more. When it comes to socializing, I really don't use social media all that much. The occasional time I am on social media is when I feel like looking at memes or some shit. I would say that I mainly text my friends but it's usually just to coordinate on when/how to meet up. I feel like if the internet weren't a thing, my ADHD would have been much more annoying. Like with the internet, if I have a random question about something and I feel like looking into it more (like why does my generation have crack head humor), I can easily scratch that itch and figure things out myself by hyper focusing on a rabbit hole. Speaking of which, another thing that I wonder is what my opinions, values, sense of critical thinking, and how informed I am would look like if it weren't for the internet? I feel like the internet is such an integral part of how I have grown as a person, how I have educated myself, and how (excuse me for being dramatic) raised myself. I remember growing up because I didn't really have many adults I could talk to and because I knew that the adults around me were pretty immature and uninformed about various things so as a result I used the internet to figure out a bunch of things for myself. And that could range any where from *what is the affordable care act and why are people so worked up about it?* to *what is depression and childhood emotional neglect and how do you heal from it?* to *is god real, why or why not?* I suppose the previous question about my opinions, values, and critical thinking are things that hit me the hardest. Perhaps it's because of how identified I am with being informed and growing as a person through self education. It's that and doing essential things to function my work, particularly in the event of applying to schools and jobs (dead ass I don't remember the last time I mailed documents anywhere), paying bills, searching up apartments etc. This is why nowadays you have people saying how internet is a basic human right and how if anyone becomes homeless, the most important thing is to help them get a phone and a laptop first or at the very least access to one from a library. Earlier this week, my phone broke and as a result, I couldn't access any school resources or my school email because there is a dual authentication thing that I have to do in addition to entering in my student ID and password. That has been hella annoying and caused a lot of inconveniences with my professors and people I have to work with for projects. And that's from limiting what I do on the internet, not taking it away entirely. Basically TLDR: the internet has been an important part of my daily life and functioning to where it's difficult to imagine what my life and identity would look like without it.

@Bob Seeker Ok, I'll check that out

So basically, I have a lot of the pieces and now I'm trying to bring things together. I feel like I would also greatly benefit from the input of people who regularly read my journals as well. I have noticed that I have poured in 1000s of hours in things that I'm passionate about. I do think that in order to tangibly execute my life purpose into a career, I have to look at the things I already am spending a ton of time developing and see them as different parts of the same skill if that makes sense (for example, if you're trying to be a master artist, you need to have a variety of skills and be versatile in different mediums). Here are the things I have already spent at least a 1000 hours doing so far and have gotten into the flow state: Meditation and Contemplation (began this habit years ago and have maintained it) Psychoanalyzing myself and working through trauma (been committed to this like it's my purpose and job for 5 ish years now) Writing/Journaling (especially on this forum) Studying different cultures and making observations (I feel like I naturally have the mind of a social scientist) My field of study in college: majoring in management and international relations for 3 ish years as a full time student I have also mentioned that I have a lot of the pieces and I'm trying to figure out how they fit together. Things like my impact statement, my interests, causes I care about etc. So if you want more information and details, here it is:

Healthy Relationships Part 1: Common Themes There is something that I noticed a few months ago. While I haven't had many relationship experiences in my life, especially romantically, I'm fairly good at discerning healthy and unhealthy dynamics. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of this is so is because I'm good at creating healthy relationships with thing other than people. Because truth is, we are always relating to reality. Reality is just consciousness exploring and relating to itself. You can have relationships to hobbies, jobs, ideas, materialism, certain activities, and more. To have a healthy relationship with each of those things as well as other people there are common themes. As they say, happy families are all alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. And in this post, I want to talk about those themes. I'm going to provide examples in the next post. Also, note on the themes, these themes need to be present in both parties in the dynamic, not just one individual for this to work. I might be editing this post on and off throughout the day as things come to me. 1. Discerning Healthy Boundaries: This is something that requires contemplation and self questioning. It's important to have an understanding of where you stand in a situation and whether the boundaries you're setting for yourself is coming from a conscious place. Sometimes we have a lot of boundaries as a way to build a wall between yourself and a certain experience. At times this is totally valid because something are simply not safe. But other times, it can come from a place of being over protective and feeling uneasy with experiencing life. In other cases, we don't have sufficient boundaries whether it's because we feel that our needs aren't valid or because we don't have an adequate amount of self love to enforce what is healthy for us in an active manner. 2. Communicating/Enforcing Boundaries: In a healthy dynamic, once you have discerned your boundaries, it should feel safe to communicate and enforce those boundaries. It's a part of being authentic to yourself and consciously getting your needs met. 3. Consistency: I think a sense of consistency is important to give an individual a sense of stability in a dynamic. And that stability is important for an individual to feel safe in a dynamic so that they can authentically express themselves and further create a bond between the thing or action in question. This sense of stability can look different for each situation. It's also important to discern that consistency isn't the same as creating patterns. Sure some patterns can feel comfortable but can be very detrimental to remain in and that's were discerning healthy boundaries and where you stand comes in. Nurturing that bond further helps one integrate important lessons and build a foundation for flourishing the relationship. 4. Authenticity vs Passion: This mainly has to do with how conscious your intentions are and if they are aligned with who you are at this moment. Because even if there is a certain person, dynamic, lifestyle, or thing in question is something that we want and that looks good on paper, that doesn't mean that it's going to be a good fit for us. Sometimes our passions do come from an authentic place, but other times they can contradict with one another. And from my observations, in those cases, it's important to align with your sense of authenticity and values over what you may want in the moment. Because often times, in healthy situations, when passion is aligned with authenticity, it isn't always this firey, impulsive, neurotic, all over the place thing. The times when I realized that a dynamic was healthy and that it was something I was passionate about, the feeling felt good but also very stable and calm. There is that feeling of being at peace and content. It's not like a rush of cocaine. It isn't something that is volatile and manic. It goes back to the whole consistency thing. 5. You can give yourself space and walk away: This also has to do with the communicating/enforcing boundaries but I think it can also stand alone by itself. Whatever thing you have a relationship with, you aren't dependent on it and if it need be, you can give yourself space without getting neurotic and needy. This also coincides with a sense of authenticity because when you know you can walk away at any moment if you wish, you are consciously making the choice to engage in a situation, not because you have to but because you want to. You have a good foundation within yourself to stand alone and self regulate if need be. If one has issues with doing this, that can indicate a sense of addiction or dependence however I think there is an important nuance where in some cases, walking away from something and the negative effects can might be coming from a sense of grief of the situation rather than neurotically clawing back to what used to be. Again, goes back to having good discernment and knowing yourself by watching your emotions and reactions. 6. You're there because you want to be, not because you have to be: This overlaps with the previous point. To expand on this, I would say that this rooted in authenticity rather than obligation. From my observations, obligations really kill relationships and make them turn sour because of the amount of resentment that can build up. Doing things out of obligation can also result in a lot of resistance in the dynamic which can manifest in a myriad of unhealthy ways. 7. Respect: The way I would characterize respect is to see an individual, thing, or situation for what it is rather than what we want it to be, romanticizing said thing, or villainizing said thing. Having an accurate, well rounded perception, is incredibly important to know yourself and how you are to react to the thing you are relating to. This goes back to the whole discernment of boundaries peace but it also has to do with knowing when to walk away when a situation is not compatible with you. It means you aren't always going to force a situation without good reason and it means that you respect both yourself and the other party to know whether or not the dynamic is worth yall's time.

Personal/ Professional Boundaries In My Writing This is something that I have been thinking about for the past couple months but due to things like school and life getting in the way, I haven't been able to sit down and really articulate these things to myself. Last night in my previous post, 555, I had a bunch of thoughts come up to the forefront to where I feel like I can't just brush it off for later. One thing that I feel is distinctive about my writing is how personal I get on here. Even the previous paragraph, if I'm going to be honest with myself, it's not the most relevant to the subject matter in the sense it's not a strong introduction. Instead, I just get into my personal feelings about the topic I'm wanting to talk about. As someone who has thought about writing like this for either as a side hustle or hell, one day as something that can support me (don't know how that will happen but it's nice to entertain), I am considering the way that professionalism can collide with how personal I am being. 1. Your personal feelings comes at odds with conciseness and how it grips the readers: I think that how personal I can be can cause me to beat around the bush at times and as a result cause people to get bored. It can also cause a lot of tangents which then clash with how well people understand the topic at hand because too many tangents can cause the subject matter to be all over the place. 2. Getting too personal can result in parasocial relationships: I have touched on this in the previous post: And this can be problematic if I ever get an audience of sorts. Granted, I'm only on actualized.org at the moment and I get anywhere from 50-100 views per post depending on how I time my posts and how old my journal is, and granted that these are probably not the same people coming over and over and if they are they are only probably clicking through and that's it. So the chances of me becoming a magnet of parasocial relationships at this moment is highly unlikely. But, I know it's a thing that can happen where people feel like they personally know you even through they actually don't. And that can lead to a really unhealthy dynamic both from the point of view of the creator and the consumer. As a result, a lot of creators combat this by having clearly defined boundaries regarding what they choose to share and not share publicly. Then there is the whole oversharing aspect. I'm pretty good at not oversharing in real life. If anything, I tend to under-share at times. But at the same time, I feel like the way I'm so free here is the reason why I was able to fall in love with writing and was able to be so consistent with it. I do have a handful of boundaries I maintain for the sake of internet safety but I know I would have to double down more if I were to take this from a hobby to something more. 3. Capitalizing off of my own vulnerability: I really don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, being vulnerable, authentic, and over all just yourself comes naturally for me. On the other hand, capitalizing off of what feels natural can lead to feeling like you need to keep up with a performance, like living your life is another full time job. There is something that rubs me the wrong way about taking something that feels personal and broadcasting that and making money from that. I feel like it can also lead individuals to put all of their eggs in one basket where, for example, vloggers, if they aren't constantly doing crazy things in their lives, their survival and their paycheck is on the line. And as a result, personal and professional boundaries can get violated and exploited for more success. That can get real messy real quick. I'm also wary in general to take something I'm passionate about and something I do for fun as a creative outlet and turn it into a job. I feel like when you mix survival into the picture and you make yourself obligated to your craft in the sense where you have to do it or else you can't pay the bills, your creativity suffers. Just in general, when you make someone, even if it's yourself, obligated to do something, you don't want to do it any more because that said thing feels like something that was put on you rather than something you actively chose. I've seen a lot of art students go to school all bright eyed and bushy tailed only to have the life sucked out of them when the deadlines and the grading for their classes comes in and suddenly the thing that they wanted to do started getting framed as something they have to do. 4. The other people in my life: While I do keep everyone anonymous in my writing, because I am writing about my life, there are common characters that do pop up. Sure I mix things up and when I say "a friend did so and so" you don't know if that's the same friend I talked about in a previous post or a different one. But I do end up talking about my family quite a bit. And again, while everything I have wrote about people are anonymous, there is a part of me that feels like if I were to be professional, I need to leave other people out of it. 5. The lack of editing and spontaneity: My journals are largely unedited. I know it says edited after most of my posts but that's usually me correcting some grammar or spelling error I caught in the last minute. I know that a lot of the problem I have listed above can be fixed through the editing process, but there is a part of me that feels like being more structured and formulaic can create and impact with my over all voice and tone. 6. What does writing professionally look like: I see my writing as more of a hobby rather than a craft I'm trying to master. Sure I get better each time, but that's not my intention with my writing. My writing is simply and expression of my being. It's a flow state that I dip into for a little bit naturally. I suppose my writing can fall in between it being professional and it being a hobby. I am pretty disciplined and consistent when it comes to my writing to where this is a part of my regular habit and practice like a professional (sort of) who needs to pump out content regularly. But on the other hand, I'm relatively unstructured like I mentioned before on the previous bullet point. There is a huge part of me that does this relatively casually as the words flow to me, rather than being precise with my words like a craftsman would. This is just my thoughts on paper and half of the time it's pretty disorganized to where I'm sure that only I would fully understand it lol. And the reasons above are pretty much the reason why I'm hesitant to make this career or have my own platform. I do think that writing and journaling is part of my life purpose but at the same time, I think that it isn't wise to have all of your eggs in one basket. It's ok to just have a job and then do what you're passionate about and gives you a sense of purpose outside of work. It's ok to have multiple things that gives you meaning in your life. If anything, it's necessary to build a sustainable, conscious, well balanced life. I feel like I'm repeating things that I talked about in a previous post so I'm going to link that said post here along with a video that really resonates with how I'm feeling at this moment to close this entry:

I do think there is an element of truth to this since there is a lot of relativity when it comes to attraction and socialization as well as culture can be huge factors. I don't think that's necessarily a problem unless you have a particular thing that turns you on and it's literally impossible for you to get turned on unless that thing is present. Or if a particular thing that turns a person on is something that harms other people.

He has a very memeable face

Angel Numbers As I was writing the previous post and calculating how much I wrote, I came across 555. I know some new agey people think things like angel numbers (111, 222, 333, 444, etc) have some kind of significance. I mean, I don't fucking know but I do like to entertain the idea of it for the funsies. A while back I was talking about life purpose and blogging and I came across the number 18888. This is what I said about that: Is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it. I guess that's why manifestation works for me because I'm not attached to certain things but I'm still positive Hmm.... things to think about This time I looked up what 555 means because lord knows that I don't have this shit memorized and when it comes to the symbolism people who are into things like tarot, astrology, and numerology, I have to rely on google to be my dictionary. It's also 11:11 as I'm writing this lol I know I said this before verbatim buuuutt is this a sign from the universe trying to tell me something? You know what I don't know but this did give me some happy feelings so I'm going to take it and run with it. I don't take manifestation and these things too seriously but I try to have fun with it.

555 This morning I woke up and as usual I checked my phone and got on Actualized.org to wake myself up because that's what LED screens are good for lol. I got to this website and I saw a 404 error. I know this site crashes every now and then but I never saw the 404 error. Normally, it would just say failure to refresh or something like that. I felt a little bit of panic recently thinking about how a lot of my writing was just gone and how I haven't been doing a good job at transferring what I write on here onto a word document. But I also felt a sense of peace in knowing that I was gone without a trace and that no one can use what I wrote against me. Peace of anonymity + reveling myself in hiding + life purpose implications There is a part of me that is extremely paranoid when it comes to the internet. I don't know what kind of internet education these children are getting nowadays because some people really be giving out their personal info and meeting up with people left and right but I was taught that what happens on the internet stays there forever. I was taught to never reveal anything that could give my personal identity away, not even my birthday and definitely not any ways of contacting me. I was taught that you need to keep your posts on social media as vanilla as possible because or else it's going to bit you in the ass and your employer 10 years down the line is going to get onto you about what you posted and will result in you getting in trouble. I was told to never use any kind of profanity. And even though I wasn't told this and this was simply a result of having all of these messages internalized in my head, there is a part of me that imagines a future where someone from my generation is running for president and people access what they did back when they were like 12 or they go through the candidate's search history. Even though people talk about things like privacy and anonymity on the internet, in the end of the day, that shit never felt real to me. There is a part of me that always feels watched on here or at the very least, feels the potential to be watched. And I think a big part of what enabled me to write as much as I do on this website is the anonymity. It's like I get the safety of feeling like I can fully express myself at least on a surface level, just enough for me to do this. I have thought about creating my own blog and basically do what I do here on my own little space. But there is this hesitation that I feel when it comes to putting my name and really taking ownership of my writing. Namely, what does this mean for my future and how will it affect my future career opportunities if anyone were to find out what I do. Earlier today, after the crash, copied and pasted all of my entries from my main journals and in total it ended up being 555 pages. I wrote 555 pages..... since July 19, 2020.... and pretty much no one in my life knows anything about it. This hit me like a ton of bricks. That's a whole ass book. That's like 3 dissertations. That's probably a +1000 hours of practice (say 1 hour per page and an additional hour for thinking and planning the posts). And this doesn't factor in the amount of time I spend doing the emotional labor of trying to improve myself. Like.... I'm really out here doing my 10,000 hours of mastery but I can't quite pinpoint as to what exactly I'm pointing my efforts towards other than me getting my life together and developing myself. I'm simply existing and doing my thing. I don't know what these skills can contribute to towards the future. It feel like I'm hiding this huge part of myself without realizing it. I have only one person who knows I have a pseudo blog in a forum and that is my roommate. We got into a conversation about our experiences on internet forums and how we both have this paranoia of employers finding what we post and getting repercussions on that. And then we got on to the topic as to how the internet can feel like big brother and how we need to have better boundaries as to how our lives outside of work and school impacts what we do in work and school. This person hasn't read any of my writing nor do they know about this forum. I suppose there is a part of me that wants more people who are close to me to read my writing. But also, I'm hesitant to tell them about this forum because of some of the conversations users have on here as it relates to things like dating, psychedelics etc. I'm pretty sure if they found out about the incel community on here that they would be really concerned as to where I spend my time and what I spend looking at on the internet. As much as I like Leo and his content, I can't say that the way he presents his content is suitable for normies. Knowing how much I wrote on here also feels weird because of how much I have revealed about myself, my thoughts, my experiences, my emotions etc. Don't get me wrong, I highly doubt anyone has read all of my posts in detail to where they actually know me, but it feels strange to know that so much of myself is just out there and accessible. It doesn't feel bad per se but it does feel a little strange. I'm pretty sure that if there was anyone who took the time to read everything in detail, that person would probably know more about me than anyone in my day to day life. I guess the strangeness comes from the parasocial nature of it all, how a person could know so much about me but I don't know anything about them. (I also feel that the topic of parasocial relationships and personal/professional boundaries is a post for another day) Fear of forgetting my skills and losing my work There was a sense of panic that set in as well, mainly because I haven't been super on top of copy and pasting my writing to word documents. I was afraid that I lost my work and as a result, potentially a way to track my progress as a writer. If I'm going to be perfectly honest, even after writing this much and being consistent with it, I still struggle to see myself as a writer. Perhaps it's because of how spontaneous a lot of this is and how I seldom edit my posts. I know that I frequently have spelling errors tor grammar errors in my writing so it's not like I'm being really attentive of my craft, if you can call it that. Perhaps it's the lack of professionalism in my content and how personal I make things out to be. I do tend to write a lot about personal topics and contemplations and I'm afraid if I shared the contents of my writing in a conversation that it would look like I was oversharing if it wasn't in this context. Perhaps it's how casual this is. I do tend to shit post time to time and I through in an lol or lmao or four to convey that I'm actually joking around since it's sometimes difficult to convey tone and sarcasm online. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm a barely formed adult whose brain is still forming and I'm very likely to sound fake deep and kind of cringe. I do sometimes think about my tumblr posts from back in 2017 and how I though I was being sooooo deep when I was just growing up and developing emotional depth perception. Perhaps I have a lot of limiting beliefs around what is considered good writing and as a result I don't identify as a writer. I suppose that if everything got deleted, I might forget that I ever had a tendency to write like this. This medium really works well for me if I'm going to be honest. And I think on some level it would hurt me if I were to lose the proof of all of this work I put into myself. Another thought that I had was on how if I did ever start writing on my own platform, how people wouldn't really get to see my "start" if you will. Because if I were to do anything with writing on the internet, internally I would point to this forum as my start. I guess if the skills I'm developing takes me anywhere, my journals would be like records of my life purpose journey in action, personal details and all. So, I do believe there is a degree of sentimentality that is attached to my previous posts whether or not they are public The sense of awkwardness of going away without a goodbye I do have a few people I talk to and I really look up to on here. I have had many good conversations on here. I feel like it would have been weird if that were to be cut short. And the few people I do feel like I connect to, it's not like I can really contact them on any other platform. But at the same time, since this is just a forum and we've only had a few interactions here and there, I'm hesitant to call them friends and reach out beyond this forum. This might also be the internet paranoia I have lol and how I find it more difficult to make internet friends in general. I would expand on this but I feel like this is a topic for a different time.

Astrology and the Timing of My Own Life It isn't an uncommon phenomenon for people to fall into things like religion, spirituality, or faith in some higher power in the face of adversity and uncertainty. While I have never went deep into demonizing religion or spirituality at any point in my journey and always had some appreciation for it, at the very least in the cultural and philosophical contribution that religion has given to society as a whole, I do catch myself wondering, and in some cases making fun of myself (sometimes lightly other times in a judgmental way) as to why I gravitated towards astrology and tarot. I tend to joke about how things turned out this way because I would much rather chill with tiktok witches who want to manifest the end of capitalism than hang with religious fundamentalists who believe that trans people should burn in hell. But after thinking about it a little more, I think there is more to it. I'm currently in a place in my self help journey where I'm growing impatient. While I have been doing a good job at sticking to long term goals, for one reason or another (usually from things outside of my control), I haven't been getting my tangible rewards. That's not to say that I'm not growing as a person, I most definitely am, much more than what I anticipated if anything. But the fruits of self development aren't always things you can take a picture of and brag about with your friends like you would with say getting to your ideal body, being accepted into you dream school or program, building a fulfilling career, or finding a person or groups of people you really resonate with. I remember being incredibly depressed at 16 and committing to myself to spend the following year getting my life together. That meant dealing with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD, being on track to going to the school of my choice, maintaining my solid group of friends, and healing from the trauma my family caused me. I thought I could get all of this done within a year or two but here I am five years later. I have covered a lot of ground and I have gone further than I could have imagined, but I didn't anticipate the journey to be this long. And I don't know how much longer until I do get to that destination. I feel like that kid who is on a road trip whining to their parents "are we there yet??" even though they know damn well they aren't anywhere near. The pandemic exacerbated those delays. There is also a lesson that I have ingrained into my head but for some reason haven't been able to fully integrate into my soul. And that lesson is "trust the timing of your own life." I rolled my eyes while writing the previous sentence. It's so cliché and I've used this line as a way of soothing the disappointments that came with the delays in my life. It worked the first few times, but after that I began annoying myself due to my own pent up impatience. I want my thriving career now. I want my travel plans now. I want my thriving social life now. I want my significant other now. And this impatience isn't coming from an irrational place either. I've been working towards these things and sorting out my inner demons for years and sometimes I wonder if any of this will be worth it. That's where astrology and tarot comes in. I think the reason why I gravitated towards astrology over traditional religion is because I like how timed astrology can be and how it can serve as a predictive resource, My Saturn in Taurus in the 7th house basically says that I'm expected to see delays in my romantic life but it will be worth in the end because I need those years of consistent effort to build a very stable foundation most likely in my mid 20s to early 30s. The weird cross formation that's on my chart says that yeah things are a cluster fuck right now but the moment you get it together there wont be anything stopping you because you worked hard to get to where you're at and the adversity you went through provided the structure you needed to develop into the person you're meant to be. My progressed moon in Capricorn says that I entered a two year time period where I need to tear down everything that wasn't serving me to slowly build a more realistic, more grounded vision for my life and that I will be entering the next phase of my emotional needs when my moon moves into Aquarius in September 2022. And finally, I have discovered a bunch of astrologers who lowkey predicted the course of the pandemic and how things will turn out for this decade. I'm not saying they are right all the time but I will say that so far they have been on point and if anything dramatic happens in the U.S. economy on 2/22/2022, I'm going to be shook. So while it's nice to hear thing like "god has a plan" and "everything will be ok in the end," I like knowing when that plan is going to pay off and when the end is going to be. Even if the date doesn't even make sense, it's still something to hold on to. For example, as much as people love to bitch about mercury being in retrograde, we also know when mercury is getting out of retrograde. So even if you're going through it, there is a date you can count down to instead of feeling like your life is crashing down and there is no end to it. I also like on how astrology can give you a sense of reassurance both on the positive and the negative aspects of myself and my life. Like not only does it give me the times when I'm more likely to be fortunate, but it also gives me the times when I'm more likely to be misfortunate. And that gives me this sense of control as well a sense of reality because it's not like my chart is saying that things are always going to be going well. It reassures me by saying, *hey, this isn't all in your head, you aren't going crazy, the transits are real fucked up right now, but that's ok because it won't be long til things start to lighten up. Just hang in there for a few more months.* And a lot of times, whether it's because the sky switched up on me or I put in the work, things usually do lighten up in a few months or so. In the end, while my life is a mess, at the very least, at least I don't walk into the new year with the previous year's problems. I come prepared with new challenges lol.

When I'm at an event, my social battery is suddenly empty, and I have run out of things to say Also, when people unexpectedly start to flirt with me. I'm often surprised, flustered, and left standing there because I have no idea what to do. But I learned to use my social anxiety to my benefit in those situations lol

The main problem I hear from my female friends who are attracted to women is that 1. sometimes it's hard to figure out if a woman is gay and flirting with you since straight women tend to be affectionate towards other women and 2. all of your advances just looks like you're trying to be best friends with them. The main advantage is that it's going to be much easier to establish that sense of trust and safety when you're dealing with other women as a woman. That said, the first video looked rather awkward and the second video where the girl was like "I could change you" was weird af. A lot of videos like these look really fake and staged af.

All of these sound like feeling inadequate in the face of heteronormative standards. I don't see why being slightly submissive sexually and being skinny would contradict with being straight.

100% While I'm not gender non-conforming or non-binary, I have a few friends who are and who have shared their experiences with me. The common thread I get is that they tend to like what they like and they express themselves according to how masculine or feminine they feel that day. They find having labels for sexuality (i.e. gay, straight, bi) can be limiting and box people in from really exploring what they do and don't like in some cases. And finally, masculinity and femininity is seen as gender neutral so even if they feel feminine one day, they might still be more attracted to another similarly feminine partner of the same or opposite assigned gender. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that especially compared to a lot of people on this forum, they don't over think attraction and try to play up a type of polarity. They just like what they like and that's that. Also, just in general, a lot of LGBTQ people tend to make fun of straight people and their binaries because it can manifest in some really cringy ways. Heterofatalism is a whole topic of it's own and while I did write a whole post about it that I believe I linked above, I thought I'd still share a relevant portion: I think the reason why a lot of LGBTQ people make fun of straight people isn't about making fun of being attracted to the opposite sex as it's more so about the rigid gender roles, how it boxes people in, and how awkward that can be because it feels so forced but then those people go on to complain about gayness being unnatural. Like the same people that have their kids wear shit like this: are the same people who believe that gay people are pushing an agenda towards children simply by existing without having the self awareness to see how what they're doing is pushing an agenda of how boys and girls inherently behave in different ways. Personally, when it comes to things like dating and relationship advice, my general rule of thumb is that if the piece of advice can be applicable to both men and women, it's generally good advice, but if the advice has undertones of *men are from mars, women are from venus* it's usually cringe at best (like how you can't approach a guy if you're a woman and you can't double text or else he'll think you're too easy) or straight up dangerous at worse (hypergamy, red pill, black pill). Also, if a dating advice person has an attitude that the opposite sex is like from a different planet because men and women are inherently different on a psychological level, that usually tells me that this person views people through the lens of overly simplified binaries to group people rather than as complex and holistic human.

@blueberries Granted I don't know the context of the statement so I might be wrong but I feel like that this could also be in the context of saving more money by living with your parents and therefore be able to hustle more since you don't have to worry about things like rent and food.

Can we please stop assuming that women do these thing for men and male attention or that participating in what is considered traditionally feminine makes a woman less intelligent or conscious. Not everything revolves around you or other men.

I remember once listening to this take by one woman who was saying that the real conservative party in the U.S. was the Democrats because they wanted to *conserve* the status quo. The Republicans on the other hand aren't conservative rather they are regressive. Her whole thing was on how the U.S. political spectrum was stunted and how we technically have 2 right wing parties.

I try to emotionally distance myself from the situation so I don't get too wrapped up in it. One of my favorite ways of doing it is by showing up to a family function and trying to take a social scientists pov on the situation. Like *here we have uncle bob acting out trauma he hasn't processed from way back in 1985.* It's kind of like looking at the situation as its on national geographic lol. That way, you can acknowledge what's going on without disassociating but it isn't so much so where you're taking things personally. Also, letting yourself feel before and after the event is great because it helps you process what's happening. Finally, setting boundaries and standing up for yourself in a way that is assertive rather than aggressive is always good.

I honestly think that peer group (especially privilege) matters a lot when it comes to this type of thing. There is a group of people (usually wealthy white people) who I have encountered who basically treated this pandemic as a minor inconvenience and didn't do any reflecting or any learning during this time period. Then there is the majority of my social circle who were emotionally impacted by the pandemic and related events greatly and they had to process through that and take the lessons from the processing. While we don't talk about this stuff constantly and we still talk about basic stuff that's going on in the media, we still do give each other the space to vent and process with one another. I'm making wide sweeping generalizations because I don't think it's appropriate for me to go into personal details of the people I talk to: How much of our lives is centered around consumption (I had a lot of friends reevaluate their consumption habits and resort to doing things like going on picnics or hikes as a way to socialize). Capitalism being a scam. This goes along with the consumption and how we use consumption to cope our busy, and sometimes unfulfilling. work lives and how then we need to be even busier to maintain this lifestyle therefore turning this into a feedback loop. Had a lot of friends educate themselves on police brutality and how private prisons work. Questioning the validity of online activism Learning how to be more independent by being on their own. Learning how to actively keep in touch with people and value relationships more. Dealing with difficult parents and living circumstances (finding ways to cope, realizing they need to leave these relationships etc.) Working through inner turmoil since there isn't much you can distract yourself with (processing trauma and narcissistic abuse, dealing with eating disorders, taking care of depression and anxiety, etc.) Changing majors or work circumstances because of lack of fulfillment (there is also a great resignation happening where people are quitting their jobs because the work place isn't treating them right and because of things like burn out). The importance of taking care of yourself and how that is also something that is productive.

Oh no you're perfectly fine. I just commented a bank of information for anyone who was interested. I realize it's quite a lot considering on how detailed I can be on my journal posts

I'm curious to hear about the accounts of people who found/created their life purpose and aligned themselves with it. Of course, you don't have to be at the point of a glorious end game where all of your hopes and dreams have already come true rather I want stories of people who discovered their life purpose, put themselves on the right track, and now are content with being on the journey they are at. You don't have to take the life purpose course to answer this question but if you did take that course and can tie it into your answer, that's all the more better. I have a few questions to start the discussion off: What was it like when you uncovered your purpose? How does consistently aligning yourself with your purpose play out for you internally? (did you really have to force yourself initially or did things naturally fall into place, or was it a combination of both)? What is routine like and how does it reflect your purpose? How intimidating was committing to your purpose? Why was it intimidating and what did it feel like? How long did it take since committing to your purpose to gain traction towards what you were trying to achieve? How has your life changed since then (both emotionally as well as tangibly)?

Grounded I know I haven't been posting much lately but I have been putting in a lot of emotional labor in terms of the classes I'm taking, recent dips in my mental health, and me working through the things I have gone through for the past year and a half or so. And I can't believe I'm saying this but I feel like I'm in a much more grounded place than where I was back in August or so. However, I will say that I feel rather stressed and tired. Stressed because last week I had 2 presentations, a paper, and an international negotiation assignment I had to do for class all due back to back. Friday was not much better because I essentially had to deal with people for 12 hours straight with no breaks. I've also had somewhat of a social life in the last 3-4 weeks and I'm proud of that lol. Today, I've basically been a potato of sorts. I did absolutely nothing so far. The only two people I have talked to is my roommate and the people at the dining hall to get food. I do need to get some work done but I've been putting it off, not because of procrastination but because I simply feel tired. I really need to get some things done today because I have 2 papers and 2 presentations next week so that should be fuuuuunnn..... But thankfully, none of these assignments are that bad so I think it should be fine lol. I just have to emotionally prepare myself for these presentations. That's my main issue tbh. I'm also really proud of how far I've come compared to where I was emotionally in the beginning of the semester (or hell even last month). I feel like I accomplished a lot internally and externally. I've been writing a lot in my other journal, Self Development To Do List, as a way of tracking my progress and growth emotionally. I will say though, this whole thing felt really slow and steady. It's been to the point where in a lot of times in this semester I was wondering if I was getting anywhere at all. I felt pretty impatient for a lot of the semester and in a way there are some aspects of my life that still leaves me feeling impatient. And I will say that this way of growth feels much more stable, solid, and more sustainable than before. But even though it's slow and steady, when I look back I feel like I'm making quick progress tbh. It does feel very much like a marathon than a sprint and as a result, I do feel tired and rather impatient for the finish line even though I know I need to pace myself.

Thought this video was interesting and was wondering what yall's thoughts are

I'm mainly posting this to vent and share my experience. I'm currently taking a public speaking/ business communication course in college. My college is incredibly stage orange and you will get labelled as a leftist nutcase if people sense that you are even slightly left of center. This class requires me to present a persuasive presentation. Some topics to choose from include persuade the class to invest in a particular stock or investment, persuade people to donate to a nonprofit, sell a novel product idea, or introduce a new way of doing business that will yield to profits. Today, I chose violence. I walked into class at 9 am in the morning in a room full of conservative finance bros and gave a presentation on the importance of workers rights and fair wages/compensation. I started my presentation and I immediately saw a bunch of eye rolls and people who were staring me down. I hesitated and messed up in this presentation intro by taking a long pause in the beginning. My mind went blank and I had to recollect my thoughts. I couldn't spell my words out. Then I got in the presentation and everything flowed through well. I did well in the question and answer period but I feel so embarrassed and mortified. There was a guy who went after I presented who talked about investing in cypto and this man started his presentation talking about how he loved making money and that he doesn't like losing in any aspect of life, whether it be in competition or in investments. He said something along the lines of how he doesn't like to lose and his motivations and stared me tf down. This guy has connections in big oil (I'm talking his dad and brother has high positions in Exxon Mobil), been trading stocks since he was 12 and has 3 million dollars in stock investments. I know I probably didn't do too well as far as my grade goes in this presentation. But I am proud of how I got out there and advocated for what I believed in. There are many times where I chose not to express my opinions and values in the business school because I knew it wasn't going to be well received. Sometimes, this was rooted in knowing that nothing productive will come from picking fights. But sometimes it's rooted in the fear of being labelled as "that" person. "That": person who is idealistic and naive. "That" person who creates awkward political conversations to make people uncomfortable. "That" person who is dogmatic and crazy. This was incredibly vulnerable for me and it was nerve wrecking to prepare for. I was walking into a room filled with people who would probably hate me if they got to know me better during a time where politically we are divided and are ready to throw hands at people who disagree. Before this presentation, I have been feeling anxious for the last few days. I threw up earlier this morning because my anxiety gives me stomach issues. I still feel a little jittery while writing this even though it's been an hour since I presented. I'm just glad that the presentation is over tbh. I don't even care about the grade any more and I'm just trying to take care of myself and acknowledged that even if I didn't do well, I did get outside of my comfort zone, was vulnerable, and spoke up about something that I really care about despite being in a social position to do otherwise.