soos_mite_ah

Fame I enjoyed this video and I got to thinking about my desires for fame as I grew up. I feel like my desire for fame was something that I always figured I'd outgrow at some point and it was something that I kept to myself growing up because I knew how crazy I would sound and how it's likely that it wasn't coming from the healthiest of places. I also felt embarrassed by this desire because of how unrealistic and delusional it was and how it kind of felt childish in the way that a lot of kids go through a brief phase of wanting to be an actor, singer, or I guess nowadays a Youtuber or streamer. I resonated with parts of this video to where I couldn't even feel called out. It didn't feel like a revelation slapping reality into me where it felt so obvious it hurt. Rather, it felt like a natural acknowledgement, sort of being able to see something you could make out the image of but now the fog has been cleared away and it feels crystal clear. I think as a kid who went through a lot of isolation and bullying in like elementary school, I had this fantasy of *sure I'm not popular now but I'll show them one day* and the whole concept of the ugly duckling turning into a swan physically and socially or the nerd that goes on to do amazing things once they have grown up. I think it's a narrative that I saw in the media and that gave me some sort of comfort during those times because it felt like my pain meant something and that it was setting me up for some thing greater than my peers. And sure, sufferring and challenges can aid in growth but unfortunately, sometimes there isn't a silver lining and trying to put a spin of toxic positivity on it instead of acknowledging *hey this sucks, it's a set back, let's feel everything we need to feel and move on* can be detrimental in it's own right. This happens when you reach a point in healing when you're past the point of survival mode where you're holding on to romanticizations and fantasies to keep you going amidst the storm. Along with the fame, I think other fantasies I indulged in for the topics of my day dreams included becoming a world traveller / digital nomad, and having a significant other so that I had a more positively exciting life. I envisioned myself as an actor because I had a creative inclination, I somewhat enjoyed it, and I felt like I was good at wearing various masks. News flash, I'm neurodivergent and masking is super common for girls. I was on the nose but also so far at the same time lol. And the other reason was because I didn't see any other South Asian people on screen and I wanted to make a difference in that representation. Social media became more of a thing as I moved into my teens and I too had a phase where I wanted to be a YouTuber. Part of it had to do with the content I was consuming but another part of it came from the notion that I could integrate travel blogging and my desire for fame, and the accessibility of it where I could theoretically get famous by doing little videos in my bedroom rather than having to know somone who knows someone after moving to L,A. As I grew up, the novelty of fame disappeared as I found other interests, as having your 15 minutes of fame becoming more common with internet virality, and once I realized that I hated the process of recording myself and editing footage. I also started finding out the realities of the entertainment industry from the labor exploitation of child stars, the dehumanization of people in the public eye, stalkers, drug abuse, sexual misconduct, the ways fame can stunt you, and detach you from reality, and so much more. The stalkers part freaks me tf out the most. I know a couple people who have medium sized social media following talk to me about retraining orders and how they're afraid for their safety on a regular basis. I couldn't live my life being that on edge regardless of how much love I might get from the public eye. Like the video said, it's takes a specific kind of person to seek fame out despite the consequences and a certain type of person to be able to sustain and even thrive in the limelight despite the challenges. And odds are that type of person is probably not a super healthy well rounded individual. That's not to say that you can't be famous and well adjusted, but it's to say that people who seek fame out for fame's sake are probably not those people and the way that people in the public eye are treated isn't for the weak. I can't say that I'm completely free from desiring fame. There is this tiny part of me that has this wish of being some sort of political leader, but of course I take it with a huge grain of salt due to the reasons discussed previously. Personally, I think it comes from the general sense of powerlessness I feel with the state of the world right now and I have this attitude from high school group projects where if I want something done right, I feel that I need to do it myself. I think about the types of things I would sign into laws or executive orders, how I would handle myself on a variety of topics and debates, and the impact I would like to have in the systems I want to implement. Also, I think Trump is causing me to have this hubris in the sense that I look at him and I'm like *if he can do everything wrong and be president, I could probably do a half decent job.* But the truth is that I don't have half the rizz Trump has, the long hours and constant media appearances will probably put me in a coma by month 2, and I don't have the privilege of being a rich straight white man so my behavior would probably be seen in a much more negative light despite having significantly less controversies. Trump could probably shoot someone and not lose voters but I think I would fall much more into the Obama category where everyone gets super worked up over a tan suit. So no, despite probably being more competent than Trump on numerous issues, I wouldn't be able to do what he does lol. And when I think about all of this and as I get older, I can't help but think about how fortuante I am to be a complete nobody. Fame, as I have gotten older, has moved from something I fantasize about to something that I more so fear due to the realities of it.

I've definitely felt the pressure to party and drink when i was first getting into college because the narrative is that you're living your life out to the fullest for those four years, and then you become a well adjusted calm adult because you get it all out of your system. Like it's a stage of development everyone HAS to go through or you didn't make the most of your time in your youth. Also going to a party school with a bunch of rich kids who are shielded from consequences doesn't help either lol. I was exploring this also in a sociology class before and I found those perspectives of the glamorization of binge drinking insightful, especially in my context of being in a party school with rich kids. There is definitely the socioeconomic status flexing of affording alcohol and living it up, but there is a socioeconomic status of getting so plastered to where your friends have to carry you back after you pass out or you end up going to rehab because there is this notion that you don't have to take responsibility for yourself and people can just swoop in and take care of you. Like to a middle class person, this shit can seem life endingly irresponsible. But for a certain kind of rich kid, going to rehab and getting so sloppily drunk to where you become other people's responsibility is like a trophy or badge of honor of having a good time. The glorification, and even the normalization of alcohol in various settings is crazy. You can even see it in some professional environments in certain industries like consulting and banking where you're considered weird and uptight if you don't drink and alcohol is seen as a solution to various problem, from stress to distracting yourself from your personal problems or crazy work load. There is also the relatability aspect of alcohol where there is the trope where the drunk messy character is considered more honest and "real" one as opposed to the uptight *always perfect* sober character trope. You also have kids who are like 18 who associate alcohol with faux adulthood / responsibility since there is an age limit so there is like an allure with drinking until you actually become of legal drinking age. And of course, even wealth isn't your motivating factor, there are preconcieved notions that alcohol makes you more fun and out there, that risk taking activities correlate with excitement and entertainment, and that to be young is to be wild and crazy. But let's be real, just because your inhibitions are lowered, sure for some people that means they're happier and more sociable but there are also plenty of people that when the mask drops, they're more aggressive, annoying and just down right crazy. Just because you feel more comfortable taking risks, doesn't mean that it will lead to an exciting fun story for you in the end. Drinking is really not all that it's cut out to be. If you aren't into it, your best bet is to find other people who aren't super immersed in it. I know it can seem like everyone's doing it, but not to sound like an old fart but there are plenty of people not engaging in this. Not to mention, that shit tastes like ass anyway.

You sound asexual but still heteroromantic with occasions where you feel sensually (but not sexually) attracted to women.

Promotion I got promoted at my job a couple days ago. The whole thing feels kind of empty tbh. I guess part of it has to do with how I overestimated how much of a raise I was going to get with a title change combined with how I don't really care about this job. The only people I told were my parents and my boyfriend. I told my parents because they're often worried about me because they think I'm lazy and because I didn't get my masters degree so that they get the idea that I'm advancing at work, that I'm fine, and that I'm continuing to make more money. I told my boyfriend because I talk to him everyday and the conversation came up. I have hung out with friends here and there. I thought of mentioning it but I decided not to since I have more interesting things to talk about and since this didn't quite feel meaningful enough to share. I got a 10% raise thus bringing my salary to a little over $75k. For reference, I live in Dallas and since it's not a high cost of living area, I would say it's decent money especially for someone out of college in less than 2 years. But it still doesn't feel like all that much. I think part of it is that I'm used to the life style that comes with making around $70k and making an extra $5k isn't going to impact my standard of living noticibly. I doubt I'm even going to notice it in my paychecks after you deduct tax and retirement and pay me twice in a month. And while I'm happy with my standard of living where I can afford a 1 bedroom alone and comfortably afford the life style I desire, part of me feels like $75k isn't a lot of money. I think if it weren't for the fact I don't have student loans thanks to scholarships, financial aid, and my parents helping out and for the fact that I don't have a car payment from using a hand me down, my financial situation would look very different. While I can put a decent amount of money aside for savings, I sometimes think that if I had a car payment and a student loan payment, I would barely be able to put anything away or I would be living paycheck to paycheck. I also find myself thinking about how I have coworkers who are supporting kids with the same paycheck I'm getting and I can only imagine the financial and quality of life implications that has. That's another thing, I think the reason that $75k doesn't feel like a lot of money is because I know I wouldn't be able to support a family under this income alone nor would I be able to buy a house, two symbollic goals people acheive in adulthood. And even if I have enough money for the down payment with the money I was privileged with saving while living at my parent's house, I wouldn't have enough money to comfortably afford the mortgage, the property tax, the insurance, or any mishaps that can occur that I would be responsible with fixing. While I don't think that homeownership is something I want to aspire to personally, it would be nice to have the option or financial ability. But I feel icky in feeling that $75k isn't a lot of money since that this is more than the household income of $60k (and I'm assuming they're factoring in the amount for a dual income household). I do know that I have a lot of privilege in the financial peace of mind I have from being able to afford things without panicking over my budget and being essentially debt free. I guess relative to people around me, especially compared to recent college grads and people my age in general that $75k is a lot. But in the absolute terms of financial milestones like being able to comfortably support a family and buy a house in a few years after renting, the signs of a "middle class," $75k isn't a lot. I found myself using my inflation calculator a lot as a way to further contexualize what I am feeling. I'm using: https://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl . According to this calculator, $75k in 2010 is equivalent to $108,705.99 now. $75k in 2018 is equivalent to $95,031.51 now. $75k in 2024 is equivalent to $51,745.08 in 2010 and $59,190.89 in 2018. For reference, I'm using the month of May for 2024 and the month of January for 2010 and 2018 to generate these numbers. I feel like the inflation calculator helps explains why $75k isn't hitting the way I thought it would based on my perception of that sum of money growing up. I guess the $75k number also hits different because I remember seeing studies on how happiness typically plateaus at that amount in the sense that making more money won't necessarily make you happier as it does at lower incomes. For example if you go from making $45k to $55k, that's going to make you much happier because that extra $10k is a lot in terms of helping you out on a day to day basis but going from $75k to $85k doesn't have the same increase in happiness and stability since by the time you're making that range of money, you're already in a relativly stable place and you have a good amount of disposible income to where you're living an abundant life style. However, it's important to note that this study was done in 2010 and a lot has changed since then financially so rather than $75k , the new target is more like $110k. And I think this adds to the uneasiness I have with the cost of living because I think back in 2010 or even 2018, $75k felt somewhat achievable with a college education but now, even with a college education $110k is questionable. Then again, I was also a child so maybe that had to do with me being able to fully grasp the numbers and how that translated into a monthly budget back then as well so idk.

Touching Grass Maybe this is an extention to me wanting to feel 17 again but part of me feels like things were better when I was a teenager because we touched grass more often then and I want to explore that notion more. I think part of it was because this was the world pre-pandemic and once we went into the lockdowns, socialization moved more into online spaces over real life. Because even back in like 2017, we still had social media and you could still make friends and find community online.I was still chronically online scrolling on Instagram looking at memes but now it's more so replaced with Youtube an Tiktok. But social media now feels very different from when I was in high school. There are so many times where I just stop scrolling because it feels too much and I feel like I need to go touch some grass because I'm being detached from reality which I didn't really encounter when I was a teenager. So let's review a few things I see online that makes me feel like I need to go touch grass: 1. Overconsumption: This includes restock videos for bathrooms and kitchens, makeup hauls, the normalization of botox, your fave influencer saying 100k is not a lot of money, life style inflation in the form of either day to day lives or in vacations, weddings, kids birthdays, special occasions etc. Basically, everything this channel addresses: 2. Dating Advice / glow up content: This is a both man and woman problem. On one end you have the alpha male pod cast bros and Andew Tate fanboys and on the other you have the "divine femininity," Spinkle Sprinkle, guru girlies that tell you how to get your life together. I'll also include faux spirituality here as well. The video below does a good job at dissecting this: 3. Anything old money ranging from old money fashion, the clean girl/vanilla girl aesthetic, and even European summer travel content. 4. The thin is in/ return to 2000s skinny and ED culture, wellness influencers, pilates princesses, that girl aesthetic, glow up content 5. The particular brand of NYC tiktokers who all live in Manhattan and don't factor in POC or any other NYC borough into their content and all go to the same influencer events and push the same microtrends and rebrand basic things like light blue nail polish as blueberry milk nails. 6. Fringe political beliefs becoming mainstream (think Qanon, Campists, leftys who mean well but are saying shit like supporting Hamas when they don't know wtf they are talking about, Moms for Liberty etc.) These are some things off the top of my head. I guess the other thing is that there are so many ego backlashes happening simultaneously from reverting back to old gender norms, idealizing old money, swapping body positivity with the thin is in mentality, issues with education and literacy, etc. There's also how social media has been getting more and more moneteized and it's not as much people just chilling and fucking around anymore. If I have to hear another influencer talk about how a regular person needs a "personal brand" I'm going to scream. Like bitch, do you mean having a personality lol, wtf are you talking about??!?!! I feel like sometimes when I'm online that i'm being constantly either marketted to for products I don't need or I'm being ideologically sold some kind of fantasy as the world around me burns. Finally, I think the other thing is that I lack a sense of community where I can really be myself at. I have work but I see my coworkers once a week and I'm in my corporate personality rather than just myself. Other than that, I really only hang out with people on a one on one basis and while that is nice, I do miss the exposure I got to a collective from when I was in school. And I think since I'm not socializing in the same way as I used to growing up, the bs you see on social media swoops in trying to fill up that void, whether it's in the form of using overconsumption to fufill your lack of community needs being met by getting an identity from the shit you own, or it's in the form of subscribing to some kind of guru who tries to sell you how relationships work via alpha male or sprinkle sprinkle logic. In conclusion, the internet doesn't feel as fun as it once was and sometimes I want to throw my router and smart phone into the trash and pretend like it's 1994 where everyone has to hang out irl.

The Election We've all seen the dumpster fire of a debate that Trump and Biden had last week. It was difficult to watch Biden not be able to speak in coherent sentences and Trump dodge every question and ramble on whatever he wanted to talk about. People are talking about Biden stepping down and having a primary for the Democrats because Biden's performance was just that bad. And I'm with that consensus. That men, both men, but especially Biden, is too old to be running and doesn't have the energy to motivate people to vote. As much as I care about experience in public service and records, even if Biden has that going for them, elections are determined by theatrics and performance. And if you look like an incompetant fool on stage who can't meaningfully push back against a facist threat, it doesn't mean shit for what's going on back stage regarding policy. We're also waaaay past policy actually making sense and factoring into voting decisions. You can argue that it was never as strong as theatrics even in the past considering the political literacy of the average voter who votes purely on vibes anyways but especially after 2016, those days are gone. I'm not happy with Biden's performance as president over the last 4 years, especially when it comes to foreign policy and the genocide in Gaza. But whlie I don't think Biden deserves to be president, Trump most definitely deserves to lose. And after that debate, I remember trying to go to sleep and feeling my life flash before my eyes like it felt when I found out Trump became president back in 2016. Prior to the 2016 election results, I often found myself thinking that maybe this is just a weird part of history that we're living through and when I wake up on Wednesday, November 9th, I'll wake up to a Clinton presidency and the whole thing will just be a funny memory. Then the Trump presidency happend, 4 years of countless scandals a pandemic, an insurrection, and so much more. I felt like I was on edge for those 4 years politically to the point of exhaustion and checking out. Biden's presidency happend and while things weren't calm and hunky dory, there was at least some semblance of normalcy that was incrementally getting better. Nevertheless, I feel like after the Trump presidency, you couldn't put the toothpaste back into the tube and well... the alt right is still around, we have a Qanon crazy in Congress, and a number of anti gay / trans bills being passed. So while there is an appearance of calm and some things getting better on the surgace, things still feel incredibly chaotic. And that shit is not about to slow down. Biden lost the debate miserably and the Supreme Court made a ruling that laws broken while a president is in office is given immunity, thus causing the president to be above the law. With the stakes being higher than ever, the Democrats are being as incompetent as ever. I know the Trump presidency was bad, but I think it's going to be a lot worse the second time around because of the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court's conservative majority frustrates me. But what infuriates me more is the incompetence of the left leaning people. Some fuckers seriously had to vote third party or vote for Harambe as a joke in 2016 instead of realizing the political ineffectiveness of such a strategy, give Trump the election, and then now he packed the court to where I no longer have the rights to my body, my free speech is compormised, and the president is above the law. RBG just haaaad to hold on to power instead of retiring during Obama's administration where she could've been replaced by another left leaning judge, and then when she inevitably died and in 2020, nonetheless, she got replaced by a conservative justice and now we have a 6-3 conservative super majority who are enacting a bunch of unpopular regressive rulings that are sending us back to the fucking 50s. Listen, I get why people don't like Hillary or Biden, but shit like this is what is literally at stake and being politically ineffective is basically enabling the far right who doesn't give a fuck about any norms or institutions and are wanting to run this whole country down to the ground, erode democracy, and instate their authoritarian regime. Trump is too stupid, egotistical, and incompetent to pull this off since he's not a well versed stateman but I'm afraid of his supporters and those in power who are more intelligent and strategic who will use Trump's cult of personality to uphold white christo-facism. The DNC just haaaad to put Hillary Clinton's uncharismatic ass up there on stage instead of going with Bernie because the DNC has an institutional neoliberal stick up their ass and can't recognize the positives of populism and how that can help with people's quality of life when it's used to create New Deal type policies instead of hating on women and minorities. And now the DNC is digging their heels in more with another uncharismatic candidate who also lost the debate miserably last week. This shit is going to keep going on and the chaos isn't going to end soon and definitely chapter of the chaos isn't going to end well. I'm trying to come to terms with this and not be a depressed doomer and generally keep my head high and avoid complacency. And not to toot my own horn, but sometimes I feel like a sane person who is outnumbered by crazy people to where I don't know where to even begin in terms of pushing back. I feel like nothing has changed since 2016 but also everything has changed since then. I miss life before 2016 but at the same time I know that it doesn't deserve to be viewed through the lens of rose toned glasses since there were a lot of problems back then as well. Nothing has changed since 2016 in respect to the political chaos, gun laws, access to health care, funding for education, or just generally, anything that could help people and aid in their quality of life. But also everything changed in the sense of what is considered normal in politics, cost of living sky rocketting to where most people cannot affort to buy a house, everything that came with the pandemic, and the consciousness around late stage capitalism. I just don't know where to go from here collectively or individually; collectively in where we're going as country that is so divided and chaotic, and individually in that what the direction of this country means for my personal decisions in my individual life going forward.

I find this topic interesting because I feel like the expectations people had for things such as parenthood and even weddings has changed so much since social media and influencers started posting things. I feel like a lot of these things were much simpler in the past whereas now on the internet, they look like larger than life spectacles. I know it would be pretty chronically online to assume that everyone is having over the top weddings and are giving their children over the top childhoods but I do think that this type of content does affect what standards are seen as aspirational and even normal.

@mydiamondsandpearls Thank you so much!!! I hope you enjoy the posts lol.

Yikes

100% agree. It still doesn't hurt to stay informed and advocate for things if necessary for the sake of optics and not backing down.

How I'm feeling after the debate, people trying to get Biden to stop running and replace him (as they should), everything that is happening with foreign policy and the culture war, and the most recent supreme court decision:

If the Stars Align After the previous 2 therapy sessions I found my feelings around motherhood temper out a bit more. For example, when it comes to why I don't want to be a mother such as the struggles people go through with the pregancy and post partum, the concerns I have with the world around me being chaotic, the unequal distribution of labor, and the possibilities of accidents and special needs, they all still seem like perfectly valid concerns like before but after therapy, they also feel like me carefully considering the side effects in fine print. Like birth control has pages and pages of side effects that can really fuck someone up but not everyone has to deal with (I personally don't have issues with the side effects, just the occasional nausea) even though it's a very real concern. And even if people deal with it, there are ways to tackle things and alternatives they can explore. I believe motherhood has as similar dynamic as medications that have a lot of side effects but are still good however, I do recognize that unlike medication, you can't just stop being a mother so it's important to take the fine print and side effects of motherhood more seriously through a fine tooth comb before jumping to any conclusions. Nevertheless, while I still feel scared, I feel less scared because I don't entirely know how things are going to turn out for me (and it could turn out positively) and I know that even if I'm intimadated by the challenges ahead, that doesn't mean I won't acquire the tools over time and step up when the challenges are presented to me. After all, I'm not planning on having kids for another 8-10 years. Alternatively, when it comes to my feelings regarding wanting to be a mother, I think it's great that I'm thinking through this carefully to make sure my desires are coming from a good place and I think it's been nice to unpack this with a professional. I have very valid questions for myself and I'm glad I explored those and came to the conclusion that I have my head screwed on well regarding wanting a kid. I feel more self assured when it comes to making this decision because I think I have my head screwed on well enough to be able to challenge my thinking and be self aware in my decision making if I do decide to have a kid. While there is a part of me that doesn't want to have a kid and a part of me that does want to, there is also a third part that is kind of in the middle where I'm like *I could have a kid.... but only under specific conditions.* I feel like this is more of a middle ground compared to the other two sides in that it keeps the possibility of having a kid or not open ended. I'm not super attached/ desperate to the idea of having a kid because I can envision multiple ways I could still be happy and fulfilled in my life if for whatever reason having a kid is just not in the cards for me. I don't want to have a kid because it *will* make me happy and fulfilled. If I have a kid, I want it to come from a place where I'm already happy and fulfilled and I want to share that and the life I have built for myself with that kid. I also know there are other ways of satifying my maternal urges to guide and nurture from volunteering with kids, being a part of the community for my friends who decide to have kids, volunteering for a pet shelter, or having a pet or two. As a result, if I do end up on the road to being child free, I don't see this being a source of a gaping hole in my over all life satisfaction. And of course, I don't want to have a kid unless I'm sure that I can give them the life that they deserve. That goes beyong giving the bare minimum of food, water, shelter etc. but also includes being able to afford a good education, travel, and extracurricular activities. At the very least, I want them to have the same quality of life materially as I had growing up if not better. So here are some scenarios that I can see myself having a kid in addition to having an exceptional partner and community around me: A. My husband and I both make decent money and are able to move to New Zealand to raise the kid. B. There are serious changes that have been made in the U.S. government (reforms in health care, education, cost of living, parental leave, gun laws, child care etc.) C. My husband is absolutely loaded to where we can afford to give the kid a good life and have the means to make good decisions despite being in America in the occasion that America doesn't change. If I don't meet the right man in time (say I'm like 37 and still single with no signs for worthy prospects) and if one of the following scenarios doesn't come true, I'm just going to say that having a kid is just not in the cards for me from the universe and just call it a day. There is also the possibility that I am still unsure in my late 20s but my thing is, if I'm putting this much thought into this decision only to still be unsure at like 28, at that point the indecisivness isn't coming from wanting to see all possibilities rather it's coming from a place of probably deep down inside not wanting to do this. I agree to a certain extent that if you're not sure, the answer is no, if being unsure is coming from a place of hesitation rather than justified scrutiny. So then the next question is, what does make a man worthy of being the father of my potential child in addition to simply being a good spouse?: Doesn't see child care and taking care of the home as a gendered activity. Enthusiastically and diligently wants to be an active role in the child's life and has thought of the reprucussions of having a kid as deeply as I have Is willing to take time off work to take care of the kid until they reach school age and I am willing to We have an exceptional, healthy, and fulfilling relationship that can deal with the challenges of parenthood effectively. We need to model a healthy relationship for the kid, he needs to be a good role model, and he needs to be a good team member when it comes taking on this project together. Is incredibly supportive of what I may go through physically and mentally in this transition, carries the load of being a parent with me, and is trusted to take care of the kid if for whatever reason I'm not able to. Has similar philosophies on the topic of raising kids (i.e. not super relgious in the upbringing, doesn't believe in hitting kids, understands what healthy parenting looks like, emphasizes educational achievement etc.) Is capable of supporting a family montetarily Has a good amount of family support and comes from a healthy household (optional but highly preferred).

Therapy Notes 2: Green Flags and Beige Flags The last time I discussed motherhood in therapy we focussed on all of the reasons why I'm hesitant to be a mother. This time we explored the part of me that wants to be a mother. My main reasons why I want to be a mom include wanting to watch someone grow and develop and be the guiding role in that, how I can be easily satiated with my life to where I can see myself building a happy and fulfilling life for myself that I would want to pour into a child, and to an extent how I want to raise an emotionally healthy kid to flex on my parents lol. I have expanded on the first two points in this journal so I'm not going to repeat that. It was nice to be able to explore in a therapeutic setting though because I feel like I got to unpack these reasons with a 3rd party who has professional experience and education to suss out warning signs. I really focuseed on the last point about wanting to raise a healthy kid because my parent's sucked at raising me. I saw the potential of this being a red flag because it could be interpreted as me wanting to have a kid to resolve my own trauma and give them the childhood that I didn't have. I can see on how this can come from a place of selfishness and unhealed issues that can signal that my decision to be a mother isn't coming from a healthy and authentic place and how that in turn be projected on to the kid and fuck them up. However, upon further unpacking in therapy, I realized that for me at least, it's not coming from that toxic place. It's not uncommon for people to have adverse childhood experiences that can in turn result in them being a good parent because they know what not to do and how to respond to various challenges. The first thought I have is Dr. Doofenshmirtz in Phineas and Ferb and how he had a shitty childhood, thus causing him to be a super villain, but he's also an amazing dad who always goes the extra mile for his daughter lol. Then there is the whole generational trauma thing. I feel like I have worked through a lot from the stuff that got passed down to me in terms of mental health, bad relationship dynamics, unhealthy ways of coping due to things like child marriage, wars, genocides, famines, etc. And I have created a beautiful life for myself and I'm just getting started. It also gets me emotional when I think about the life I had and the priviledge I had when it comes to doing this work because a couple generations ago, my grandmother was married off at 14, didn't get the chance to complete her education, and basically had her whole life chosed for her. And here I am. I'm well educated. I got the chance to travel. I was raised in a stable enough environment to develop myself. I have a job and I'm financially secure. Sure, I didn't have an easy time in terms of family and mental health but I still got through to the other side of it. And I can only imagine what I would be able to provide for my future kid from this place and I want to see the amount of progress that would take place in the next generation. Just because part of this decision comes from past hurt, doesn't automatically mean that I'm going about this in an unhealthy way. In my fears about it being a red flag that I want to have a kid to give them the childhood I didn't get to have, I wanted to explore how I genuinely cannot picture having a boy. Ngl, part of me would be a little disappointed if I found out at the baby shower that I was having a boy instead of a girl. I genuinely cannot picture having a boy, I just draw a blank. And in being able to identify this tendency in myself, I wondered if I wanted to project onto a kid or if this is just coming from a place of not being able to picture boyhood since I only have experience with girlhood and the challenges that come with that. The last thing I want is to be one of those parents who is pissed off at the gender reveal because they have internalized misogyny or misandry that they didn't unpack. Upon exploring this, I think it's a beige flag that I cannot imagine having a boy. I think my dad went through something similar where he was a little disappointed when he found out I was a girl. The reason he wanted to have a boy was because I wanted to see boyhood in a different time and environment through his son's eyes and be able to connect to his son in that way. But he thought to himself *well you know what, at least my wife gets to have this beautiful experience.* This conversation happened in the context of me talking about how I don't have a good relationship with my mom and how we're not that close. And he explained that it breaks his heart that my mom took that for granted and has such a bad relationship with me because he wouldn't have squandered an opportunity like that. But he's still grateful that we were able to have such a close relationship and that he was still able to have that close relationship he wanted to have with a son with me even if he doesn't understand everything I deal with fully. I think I find myself in the same dynamic as well in relation to wanting a girl. I also think that since I grew up as an only child, girlhood is the only reference to childhood I have in a family structure and as a result, it's easier to imagine. It also adds to the learning curve if I end up having a son because there is only so much I know about the male experience since I don't have direct experiences of it. Which is why having a solid husband is all the more important because he needs to be able to model a healthy form of masculinity and relate to the challenges that can come up when a boy is growing up on a more personal level. I also know that I will need to alter my parenting style based on the type of kid I end up having and their unique needs. I can't just be the parent that I wish I had because what I need and what my kid needs can be two totally different things because we're totally different people. I also know that my skills as a parent doesn't determine the outcome of who my child becomes. It most certainly plays a large role and I'm not denying the responsibility of that. But they are also their own person who will respond to their own environment and life circumstances accordingly. I think that's important to consider because there are many times in my life where my mom saw my actions and performance at school as like a reflection of whether or not she was a good mother based on what the other competitive South Asian moms were doing. The other South Asian moms had kids who were valedictorian and who got into super prestigious school. I got decent grades and got into a good school but I could tell that at times my mom felt the need to pressure me further and have that manifest in really negative ways because she felt insecure, because she felt like she was doing something wrong because she thought her kid didn't measure up. I want to steer clear of that. My child is not a mini me nor are they an extention of myself and my needs. And I think that this self awareness more or less debunks this notion that I'm having a kid because of some unhealed part of me to reproduce a childhood I didn' have and to have a girl that I could project onto. In conclusion, after this therapy session, I left feeling more sure of myself. I feel like while I don't know whether or not I want to have a kid that I'm putting in a lot of good thought into it and that my deisres for wanting to have a kid is coming from a healthy and authentic place. I don't know what my ultimate decision is and I have plenty of time to figure it out. But I do have the confidence to know that whatever I choose, I'm going to choose well because I'm thinking through this carefully and intentionally.

I couldn't get through more than 4 episodes of that show. It was really cringe. It's so dated and it aged REALLY badly. It was really progressive for it's time in the late 90s since it was tabboo for women to be talking about sex so openly on TV and to have a group of women in the 30 somethings be represented as something other than a wife and a mother. But by today's standards, it's extremely closed off in terms of sexual exploration, boundaries, and nonhetronormative dynamics. I found the few episodes I saw as very flat and lacking in depth even if the topics they were tackling was interesting. Not to mention Carrie Bradshaw was incredibly insufferable to where people can probably write a 20 page essay about how unhinged she is, how bad of a friend she is, and the dumpster fire that was her relationship with Mr. Big. I can't even say that it was a bad depiction of reality without chuckling because it feels so obvious that I don't even think I need to say it.

You don't have to be a total gym rat to maintain a good amount of muscle mass. Just make sure you prioritize protein and nutrient dense meals, do some form of strength training you enjoy, and go on a few walks if you find yourself being sendentary. A little goes a long way. Muscle mass and bone density is incredibly important as you age as it can prevent injuries, perserve your metabolism and energy levels, and keep your mobility. You don't have to drink a whole gallon of water every day, obsess about getting 100-200g of protein, and go full body builder / athlete mode if you're just an average person who is looking to maintain their health over time. I'm sure the kind of advice where you workout 7 days a week, do a shit ton of cardio, and get in your protein shakes is applicable to people who have specific atheletic goals, but for maintenance, I feel like most people are just over thinking things. Personally, I've been finding more inspiration from old people who lead fairly active lives. There is this one lady that I follow on social media whose like 68 and she does strength training. She's not super ripped or skinny but she does look energetic and happy and whenever I see her, I'm just like *I know she has good bone density* lol. There is also this like 92 year old grandma that I saw somewhere who just does a little bit of pilates and yoga for the past 40 years to maintain her mobility and flexibility so her kids and grandkids which I thought was really wholesome. I also have a neighbor who when I moved into the neighborhood as a kid he was probably in his early 60s. He was always doing various home projects, trimming bushes, mowing the lawn, walking his dogs etc. 15 years later he's pushing 80 and he has no signs of aging and is still capable of doing his little projects. I look at him and I'm just like *I'm sure if he falls he WILL be able to get up* lol. My point is that if you want to maintain and build some muscle mass, you can do it by lifting weights in the gym, doing something more low impact like pilates or calisthenics, or just maintain an active life style so you have your functional strength. Just find something active you enjoy, stick to it, eat your protein, vegitables, carbs, and healthy fats, drink water, stay away from things like drugs, and you're good to go.

Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel What kind of role does travel play in my life and how often do I want to travel? Do I want travel to be a component of my career? Is my hobby regarding travelling some thing that is crucial for me to share with a life partner? How do I feel about travelling to developping countries regarding what I can and can't handle regarding uncertainty and navigating a new environment? How do I feel about navigating uncertainty before and after this trip? How did this trip impact my degree of self confidence, agency, and self efficacy? Do I want to have a child and how do I see this factor into my ideal life style? How do I feel about my current relationship now that I have gotten some distance from it? What role does my intellectual needs play in my over all satisfaction in a relationship? To what extent is travel something that internally and externally motivates me? Is travel a good source of motivation for me? What are my takeaways from the new experiences that I'm gaining? What am I learning about the world around me and how I relate to it? How can I be a more ethical traveler and am I engaging in ethical practices especially as an American? What do I think of my life in this American capitalist hellscape after seeing different ways of living life? How do I relate to the different immigrant groups in Dallas after going on these trips? How do I feel about interacting with my family through out all of this and what does it mean for me maintaining some relationships going forward? What do the answers to the questions above reveal about my sense of purpose, my career, and how I should structure my life? Things I want to experience in my one month of travel: For reference, I'm planning on going to Doha, Bengaluru, Kolkata, North Vietnam, South Korea (including Seoul + one other city for a day trip), and Alaska (not sure exactly where but I want to see the northern lights + a couple of national parks). Doha, Qatar: I want this to be a more relaxing part of the trip so that I can ease off of work. I'm planning a spa day do get a facial and a massage, a day where I go to the Museaum of Islamic Art, the National Museaum of Qatar, the Souq Waquif, and the Katara Village, and going dune surfing. I feel like there is a good mix of things that makes me relaxed and that lets me engage with the culture of the area. I personally think that going to museaums counts as a relaxing activity and that dune surfing is a fun way to do something that I saw was cool while having a physical activity component to the trip since I really enjoyed biking in Amsterdam when I did my last solo trip. Bengaluru, Karnataka, India: I'm going to be visiting my cousin, his wife, and his kid here. It's going to be my first time meeting the kid and i think it will be interesting to see the family dynamic lol. I also think it will be interesting visiting them now that I have grown up a little more just to see how that impacts things. I also always wanted to see south India since I heard that it's very different from the other parts of India I have gone to. Kolkata, West Bengal, India: I'm visiting more family here and I want to also see pujo here as well. I've always done Durga pujo with my family and my South Asian community in Dallas and i always wanted to see how people do things in West Bengal. My dad has many fond memories of going to Kolkata from Sylhet, Bangladesh during pujo season to spend time with family and I just want to see what it looks like when people go all out for pujo in a place where most people are celebrating. And now that I'm an adult and I don't have to wait around for the breaks in a school academic year schedule, I think it would be nice to take advantage of that and travel in October. North Vietnam: (includes Hanoi, Ninh Binh, Halong Bay, Sapa) I've never been to southeast Asia before and I think north Vietnam would be good to go to during the month of October due to climate reasons. I found a tour that lasts for 7 days that I'm interested in taking and I ihave been educating myself on the country and its history more lately. I think this will be a country that will be good for testing how I feel travelling solo in a more developing country in a more structured way, hence the tour. I think it will be a good challenge for me regarding how to navigate myself on this trip and how I feel about future trips going forward. I do have a goal of going to all 7 continents by 30 and I think depending on how I feel about this trip and my competence/ skill as a traveller can help me plan other trips in continents like South America and Africa. South Korea: (includes Seoul, and a couple other cities) I have never been to anywhere in east Asia. I've thought about going to Japan but I think I'll save that trip to go with a friend who has lived there before, speaks the langauage, and has many things to say about the place. South Korea I think will be interesting in relation to the infrastructure, the transportation system, and the popular culture that has been gaining more and more prominance in the west in recent years. I feel like growing up I was really into east Asian media and I was also inspired to travel to places like South Korea and Japan after finding YouTube channels about people from the U.S. settling there and their reaction to adjusting to the new place and the cultural differences they encountered. Also, I think the food in South Korea and north Vietnam is point of attraction for me as well. Like Vietnam, I also think that travelling in South Korea will be a challenge since I'm navigating a country that doesn't speak English super widely (unless you're in the touristy areas) and I think it's a great way to still challenge myself. Alaska: My main attraction here is to see the Northern Lights. I heard that this year especially will be a really good year to see the lights. I also want to see the national parks in Alaska because I do find joy in experiencing natural beauty from our environment. I have similar motivations for north Vietnam as well since it's more rural and scenic in terms of natural beauty compared to the south. I also want to add to the number of states I have visited in the U.S. currently I'm at 27/50. I don't have super definitive goal as to by when I want to see all 50 states but I do want to be well travelled in many contexts, including within the U.S. It's my little way of embracing patriotism I guess lol. I also want to go somewhere cold since that makes me happy. I'm also going to be spending my birthday here and I think that will be a nice way to end the trip.

My Quarter Life Crisis I watched this video from Dr. K and I feel like I related to some parts of it but not necessarily the intensity of it. I do feel like my 20s are a transformative time and I'm exploring myself and questions I have regarding what I want to do with my life. That said, it doesn't necessarily feel like a crisis, but I guess it's because I've been at a state of existential crisis for varying issues and topics from when I was 10. Stage 1: Locked In Dr. K talks about how quarter life crises have stages and how the advice in one stage may or may not be applicable depending on where you're at in this process. He goes off of studies on quarter life crises over the last 10 years as well as delve into his personal life experiences in this video. In the first stage of being "Locked In", Dr. K talks about how for many people, they have been told to live life in a certain type of way that isn't entirely authentic to them due to external validation. As a result of the incongruency of what is happening internally and what life is like externally, people start to feel stuck in life. This can especially happen to people who have been working towards something in life that wasn't super authentic to themselves, only to spend so many years doing it to where they feel stuck in their position. The example he uses is the process of becoming a doctor where you spend all these years studying and practicing being a doctor, which you may or may not enjoy, but that is not the same as the day to day of being a doctor. As a result, maybe you fit well through med school but once you become a doctor, the internal and external life aren't in congruence anymore. Or maybe, the case is that you realize that this isn't what you want to do but then you feel like since you have put so many years of dedication to it that you're like *wtf else am I supposed to do!??!* Then you start questioning your identity, your path, and next thing you know you're in an existential crisis. The research about the stages cites the following: Dr. K also emphasizes exploring yourself and actively creating the life you want for yourself over finding yourself and finding the right career. This is an emphasis of process over the product. Sure, at the end of the quarter life crisis, you might not have solid answers as to what you should be doing, but if you go through the crisis correctly, the *should* aspect of having a definitive answer becomes a nonissue. Rather, you become more sure of yourself and your ability to actively craft the life around you instead of finding a neat box to fit into. I can relate to the stage of being locked in to a certain extent. I feel like the monotony of my office life and the notion that it's a good idea to work here a couple more years despite the fact that I don't really like it does leave me feeling a little stuck. I do relate to how in the video people wake up in their 20s and are like *is this my life now?!?!* and how there is a lack of congruency between the adulthood we were promised, the one where we have the freedom to do what we want, and the adulthood we have where while we aren't restricted by parents and teachers telling us what to do, instead we are restricted by our responsibilities towards our family, friends, job, health etc. In my opinion, younger people are having this crisis now rather than in their mid life because of how bad things have gotten with late stage capitalism exaserbating these issues to where you can't ignore it until your 40s. I wrote a whole post earlier about feeling 17 and how my expectations of adulthood doesn't really fit in with my reality due to the world changing so much since 2017. However, I don't feel completely locked in. I feel like from my early teens I have done a good job at pushing back against the *shoulds* of society relating to what my parents wanted me to do for my career, or the notion that the formula for happiness is going to college, working in a cubicle job for 40 years, somewhere along the way buy a house and raise a family, and then eventually retire. I think I did a really good job in choosing what I should study in college. It helped me get a stable job while still honoring my interests. Growing up, I had the gift of being an incredbily intrinsically motivated person to where it was sometimes hard for me to respect authority simply because the things they said didn't add up and I was in exitential crisis mode all the time since the typical things that externally motivated kids didn't really stick with me. I also chose my field of study knowing that people can change a lot over the years and that I shouldn't commit to a path at 18 since I'm so young and I have so much more figuring out to do. I double majored in Managment and International Relations with a minor in Human Rights. All of these degrees are flexible enough to where I can have the freedom to get into various industries due to the types of skills you develop in these disciplines. And my business degree is much like an engineering degree to where I can take on a reasonably paying job right after college without having the same pressure to have to get a masters or some kind of graduate school like my peers who only majored in a liberal arts degree or medicine. I think the other reason why I don't feel completely locked in is because I consciously chose the boring corporate job I have right now. I knew as I was exiting college in this chaotic time that the best thing I can do financially and for my mental health is to get a boring corporate job with prospect, decent pay, and work life balance, so that I have some sort of stability and financial safety net to figure out what I REALLY wanted to do. Despite the existential dread this job can bring, I feel like I can think more clearly in terms of what can bring me fulfillment and what direction I want to go when I'm not actively worried about bills, moving out of my family's chaotic environment, and the prospects I have after graduation. Sure, I still have challenges related to survival, but my mind is so much clearer because I can think about what I want to do rather than what I need to do. I'm not as clouded by survival as I was 2 years ago when I was studying abroad and feeling incredibly apprehensive about my future because I have more of my survival taken care of. So even though I feel a little stuck in a Sisyphean sense, I do feel like the monotony has produced a net degree of freedom for me despite the draw backs. I also feel like I don't fully relate to how Phase 1 causes you to question your identity because I think I did a good job at deconstructing things and I didn't go into my job post-grad defining myself based on my career path. I went in with the mind set that a job is sometimes just a job and that I can find fulfillment in various other areas of life like my relationships, various hobbies, and volunteer work. Sure, I'm a empathetic and artistic person, but that doesn't mean I need to monetize those character traits by studying to be a therapist or starting an etsy shop that will eventually support me with my paintings. At the same time, while I know how to derive pleasure and fulfillment from various areas of my life, I'm trying to find exactly where I fit in the spectrum of *a job is just a job, clock in and clock out, live your best life outside of work* to *my job is my passion and life purpose and I want that to be the center of my life.* I don't see either of these resonating with me completely but I don't see myself as not finding a sensse of truth in both of those statements either. So yes, I do feel a bit lost in terms of how my current job feels kind of souless and I'm questioning what I care about and what I want to master but at the same time, it's not so bad because I know that I'm not tied down to a fixed identity around all of this, that my job and career is a part of my life and not the whole. Phase 2A: Separation Dr. K describes this phase as when you physically and mentally check out of our situation because internally you don't want to do this anymore but externally, you feel like you're stuck in this life that you can't change. However, this isn't a problem to be solved, rather a phase you need to go through. The research cites the following: Dr. K expands on this by describing that the oscilation between upbeat self confidence and self disgust as being afraid of the future but feeling ashamed about not taking action despite the fear, or being proud of how far you have come in terms of your achievements, such as graduating from Harvard medical for example, but still feeling some sort of disconnect because the new identity hasn't formed yet and you feel some type of way despite your life looking good on paper. It's a process of moving from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic motivation. People often stall at this phase because they think that feeling disconnected is a problem rather than something they have to move through and as a result, sometimes they end up doubling down to shoo away these feelings instead of letting those feelings lead them into action unless they are forced to because life takes away their job or spouse for example. I feel like the description quoted above and Dr. K's expansion sums up some of the emotional experiences I have had when I was mildly depressed for a couple months. I did feel that sense of self-disgust at my fuck-ass corporate job because it felt like the people around me are pursuing something greater and eventually, while I'm going good for myself right now, I will be left behind in a dead end corporate job while my peers will be pursuing something greater in terms of skill and fulfillment like going into law, medicine, diplomacy, getting a CPA etc. I went through a phase where I was deconstructing some of my self deprecating tendencies and how I have a chip off my shoulder from college regarding my performance and my inability to work long hours. And I think I came out of it with a greater sense of appreciation of where I am right now, my accomplishments regarding the things I have been working hard towards, and a greater sense of humility. Because humility is about not thinking of yourself. It isn't self deprecation since while you're not in constant praise of yourself like a grandiose narcisissist, you're still centerring yourself by constantly picking yourself apart. Yes, humility is recognizing that there is always people who are better than you in some way, but humility is also recognizing that you're pretty damn good yourself and being thankful for your own gifts and fortune instead of taking them for granted. I don't think I went through the de-coupling phase of separating your identity from your commitments and roles since I wasn't super latched in to begin with and I think this crisis isn't hitting as hard because I have been so intrinsically motivated for so long in my life. As a result, the process in which I was navigating this path, prior to coming across the obstacle course that is the quarter life crisis, was already correct even though I haven't gotten to the product. But that's the whole point, the process is more valuable than the product and I think even listening to this video, that gives me a sense of relief because while I do feel lost since I haven't *figured things out* yet, it's nice knowing that I'm going about this the right way. However, I do find myself checking out because of my tendency to zone out on tiktok on the regular and having a screen time that I'm not ready to confront just yet. I do sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions and then I feel a sense of panic set in when I realize that I have been disassociating in the productivity of my job to where Monday to Friday feels like a blur, then the weekend goes by even quicker, and next thing I know, my week and the whole month flew by. I feel like my chronically online tendencies falls in between the phase 1 tendency to get into an addiction or compulsion to cope with the existential crisis mixed in with the separation of phase 2A. Phase 2B: Time Out Here, while you do have still have the sense of separation of phase 2A, often times people think it's beneficial to take a break from what they're doing to figure their shit out. Often times, this involves going to a different location to get yourself out of your current life to think about what else you can do instead. People often get stuck in phase 2A because they are dead set on making their old life work and doubling down because you want to cling on to the stability of the old rather than seeing what else is out there and jumping into phase 2B. The research cites the following : Dr. K describes his own situation and how he had to travel across the world and separate himself from grades and achievement to gain more clarity. He also talks about how many people in this stage want to escape their old life for the new, but they still want to cling to the stability and certainty of the old life. Then they start asking themselves how they know if XYZ is the right thing to do. As a result, people in Phase 2B have the avoidance of the future as well because they want a guranteed future and they're stuck in their heads without being able to embrace uncertainty of not knowing what will happen after they make these decisions. Phase 2B makes you avoid the past and avoid the future because you're not ready to make a plan. I do find myself relating to phase 2B in that I'm planning a trip coming up later this year where I take a month out of work to travel. Part of it is following things that make me happy, such as learning about different cultures, and also challenging myself in the process since I'm very much the type of person why makes travelling a sport or boot camp of sorts rather than a relaxing day at the beach. Listen, if I fly my ass half way across the world and spend a shit ton of money to get there, I'm not going to be sipping a maragarita on the beach. I can relax and do that shit in Texas. If I'm taking my time and money that far away, I'm going to do as much as I can with my time and immerse myself in that culture rather than isolating myself in a resort, or doing like 1 or 2 things a day. I'm also taking this trip because I want to see what travel means to me and what role it's going to play in my life. Is this an itch that I need to scratch every few years, or is this something I want to do on a semi regular basis? How important is this to my sense of fulfillment and to what extent do I want to share this with a significant other? Answering this question is goign to be important regarding my choices in my life partner, my reproductive choices, and my career to a certain extent. I'm currently dating someone who I love but who I tend to clash with in terms of intellectual compatibility. I'm very traditionally smart in relation to academics, nerdy hobbies, and writing out my existential crisis in the form of long ass essays that really only I read (and occasionally my friends and significant other when I have a lot of say so I give them assigned reading lol). He is very intelligent on technical matters and is very trade school coded. And this difference was a source of admiration for both of us in the relationship. He's impressed by the interesting things I have to say and the conversations we have and I'm impressed with the more unconventional path he took careerwise where instead of going into college, he went more on the certification route in IT. It inspired me and gave me the courage to take my own path in college and honeslty, he's so intelligent about things that I don't know shit about. Like he's the type of person who you can call to fix your car, your plumbing, your internet issues, and any other DIY project you may have where I suck at basically all of these things. I remember seeing a very old Tumblr post. I have no clue if this is true but I do think it's very funny but it's this anecdote of the Obama's helping their elder daughter Malia move into Harvard. Everyone is helping her move in and Barack is just twiddling this thumbs in the corner and Michelle is like *what are you doing just standing there, go do something.* Then Barack is trying to set up like some IKEA furniture and is struggling with the instructions. And I'm very much like Barack in this anecdote where I am smart and successful in my own ways but I struggle with technical and detail oriented things that my boyfriend is really good with. Despite the fact that we're both really smart in our own ways, I feel like there is a lack of fulfillment in my relationship because while it's really happy, healthy, and supportive, I don't feel like my intellectual needs are being met. And I'm trying to figure out exactly how much of that need I need to be met for a life long commitment to someone. Maybe I can find this intellectual fulfillment in my friends and my career rather than my life partner, which is fine since I don't expect my husband to fulfill every single need I have as that can be a nerve wrecking expectation. Part of me thinks that if I get a job that I'm more intellectually engaged with that this will alleviate the pressure in getting my needs met through the one avenue of my partner. It was kind of nice during college where I was academically challenged but then I got to turn my brain off around my partner temporarily. At the same time, I remember even then picking up on the feeling of the lack of intellectual fulfillment in my relationship even though I couldn't really articulate it to myself at that time. And even now, while I do have an outlet through my hobbies to get my intellectual needs met, I still feel the lack of fulfillment. To tie it back to travel, I think part of it is because I'm considerably more well travelled and I care about travel more than my boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with having different interests, but I think it's important to have some common ground in certain interests that give you a lot of fulfillment so that you can continue connecting to the other person over time. And I'm trying to figure out if that is the case for me with travel. The role travel plays in my life also factors into my reproductive choices since I'm still on the fence about whether or not I want to have a child. If this is something that I need to get out of my system when I'm young or if this is simply an itch that I want to scratch every few years, that's great in terms of the possibility of having a kid. However, if I want to regularly travel, that's going to be more challenging because it's difficult and expensive to travel with a kid and it's likely that for the first 5-10 years that I'm not going to be travelling often. Some challenges include your baby crying on a flight, or your toddler / young child being cranky and hyper active from travelling long distances. Travelling can be distressing and anxiety inducing but when you're an adult, you have more emotional regulation skills than a child to be dealing with the inconveniences that are thrown your way. I feel strir crazy after a long flight and I don't want to be seated for that long. A 5-year old feels the same way but they don't have the impulse control to stay put, which is developmentally appropriate for their age, so then they end up acting out, throwing tantrums, and running around. Not to mention things get so much more expensive when you're travelling with a family rather than just solo. If I do have a kid, I do want to raise them in the way I was where I give them the gift of travel and having a variety of experiences, but I do realize that the lifestyle my parents were able to give me in the 2000s has a very different liklihood of achievability in 2024 financially. I'm not saying that it's impossible to travel after you have a kid, but there are a lot of additional things you will need to think about before making this decision. And if it turns out that travel is more important to me, I see nothing wrong with pursuing my sense of fulfillment in that route rather than becoming a parent. Finally, there is the role of travel in one's career. I don't have the same rose toned glasses I had at 17 when I found out that you can travel for work as a consultant for example. The reality is that travelling for work isn't as glamorous as it can seem. Often times as a consultant, you will be shipped off to the butt fuck of nowhere in Idaho surrounded by potatos instead of New York or San Francisco. Even if you do go to somewhere more exciting, you're travelling on the company's time so you might not have the time or energy to actually explore. And I think that's a different kind of torture to where you dreamed of travelling your whole life but when you finally get the opportunity to do so, you can't even enjoy it properly. I also have friends who do have to travel frequently and it really disrupts with their ability to have a healthy routine which affects their physical and mental health. At the same time, I do know that travel is an important factor in my life and I don't know how exactly travelling for work will affect me, so I'm not completely ruling it out as something that can be integrated career wise. Which is why I think having a month where I'm constantly travelling can be insightful to the questions I have for myself and how I want to structure my life careerwise but also in terms of my romantic relationships and reproductive decisions. It will also give me some distance from my daily life, my relationship, and my job in a way that simply taking a week off work can't. Stage 3: Exploration Dr. K opens this section by quoting the research. Dr. K elaborates on this by saying that's a process of actively recreating yourself and reinventing yourself, rather than finding something and getting stuck in it again. Some people get stuck here because they don't think they have the time to experiment for it's own sake and just want the right answer, whether that be the perfect partner, career, etc. The problem isn't that you don't have the right answer, that goes back to the old way of thinking pre-crisis. The problem is assuming that there is a right answer to begin with and that you don't have to actively craft the life you want. Dr. K also talks about how the advice to *just put yourself out there* when it comes to dating doesn't always work for people is because they haven't done the work in phase 1, 2A, and 2B to get to the exploration phase since you have to figure out what is wrong, unpack the baggage you currently have and separate yourself from it before re-establishing your identity so that you have the room for new things to enter into your life. I feel like this really resonates with my on the career level because I always have people telling me that I need to start searching on Linked-In and start applying to jobs since I'm dissatisfied. But I don't quite feel ready for that. For one, I don't want to get into this job market until after I have had more experience professionally and have gotten a couple promotions. There are still things that I want to learn from this job before moving on to something new. Another reason that came to me while watching this video is that I'm still mainly in phase 2 and I need to work through some things before I start property putting myself out there so that this is done in a more sustainable way. While I'm not super happy with my position at work right now, I don't quite feel ready to put myself out there. Part of it is the phase 2 pitfall of being afraid to let go of the old while also not being happy with the old, but another thing is that I simply just don't feel ready not because I'm lazy or lacking in ambition, but because I'm not in that phase of the process yet. I honestly think travelling for a little bit will help me a ton and this video has made me feel more motivated to take more action in my life since I know the way this process is structured and where I am right now. Stage 4: Rebuilding The research explains the following: Dr. K explaines that what got us into this problem in the first place is that we crafted a life without understanding who we are or exploring ourselves. As a result, there is a fundamental mismatch of the life around you and who you are. In order to get through the quarter life crisis, you need to recognize that this sucks for you, check out mentally, then intentionally check out, then you start exploring yourself where it's not about finding the right answer but discovering who you are. And unless you intentionally leave, whether that means going to somewhere else geographically, surrounding yourself with different people, you can't do that exploration. From that sense of exploration comes a greater sense of who you are intrinsically, thus causing you to be able to actively craft your life consciously to make your external life align with your inner life. He then goes into talking about his life and experiences with these phases from 24:35 to 27:53. Dr. K then goes back to the research that says the following about phase 4: Basically, the crisis is necessary to go through in order to create a better life for yourself. Dr. K goes into this whole thing in an uplifting and motivating way from 28:03 to the end of the video. I'm not going to summarize it since it's something that I think needs to stand on it's own and I can't do it justice in a summary lol. I can relate to the fact that there is a fundamental mismatch of the life around me and who I am and that I have crafted my life as of right now without exploring myself . I say this even though I have been intentionally thinking of various questions regarding my identity and what I want from my life not because I don't have an understanding of myself but because given that I'm only a couple years out of college, simply by my lack of life experience, I haven't explored enough of myself and what I want long term. I'm like at the infancy stage of establishing my adult life. As a result of the work I have been putting in over the years, I don't think I'm dealing with this as intensely as a lot of my peers who are more entrenched in an extrinsically motivated world than I am. The last bit of this video was really nice and it did give me a lot of hope and reassurance regarding where I'm at right now.

This might be a more US centric thing since we don't have many walkable cities and third spaces are disappearing but I feel like now that I have graduated from college, it's so much harder to make and keep friends. I know this isn't some kind of ground breaking revalation that when people graduate and enter the workforce they aren't surrounded by their peers as they used to be. But I feel like as you grow up, friends kind of become an after thought, like people who you hang out with once a month or once every other month to "catch up" on life rather than people you live life along side as you did growing up. Part of it is due to work schedules. I know a good bit of people my age who are working 60+ hours either because they have a job and are going to school, they're in a demanding career like consulting or investment banking so they can establish their career and get good exit opportunities, or they are working multiple jobs / have a side hustle or two in order to make ends meet. Another part of it is how it's normalized, and expected to spend time with a significant other regularly but then once you have similar expectations for friends to meet up like once a week, then it is kind of seen as you're doing too much. It's also reflected in the way that I feel like most people talk about lonliness since often when we talk about lonliness, we talk about it in a romantic sense, not in a platonic sense. I think it also goes back to the whole ideal around having a nuclear family where it's just you, your spouse, and 2.5 kids where there isn't really an emphasis on a larger community beyond that. I'm sure this will get exponentially worse once my peers really start getting married and having kids since especially for women, your whole life and identity changes to where often times you're the one taking on more mental load to where it's hard to have time for yourself, much less time for friendships. But yeah, I'm someone who derives a good amount of fulfillment from friends and it kind of makes me sad that adult life is built mainly around work, maybe family/significant other and that it doesn't really incentivize people to build deeper connections platonically unless both parties are REALLY invested in it and are actively working to make this work.

I do see some truth in this. I know with my friends who are working long working hours, most of them don't want to do that or are doing it temporarily. The ones who absolutely didn't want this ended up in these jobs that work long hours partially because they didn't know what red flags to look for in interviews or because they were funnelled into a certain career path after college because they weren't aware of the other options at the time since they were in school their whole lives. The ones who are doing it temporarily are doing it out of either financial necessity or because it's important to utilize opportunities they have to set themselves up for the future. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if your values are in the right place, that doesn't mean your labor won't get exploited since this is a systemic issue. And things aren't looking too hot out there in the job market and often times college students try to cling on what they can get since they have limitting barginning power in the first place. I would say that I'm a relatively career minded person, however, I got lucky and found a job that doesn't stress me out too much. But yeah.. I guess in the mean time as things calm down a bit in terms of the people in my life going through a milion transitions right after college, it would be better to find friends who suit my life style better.

@Basman I agree. There is a lot of hyper individualism and late stage capitalism that is contributing to isolation and the so called lonliness epidemic. I don't think this is healthy for most people. I currently have a significant other who I talk to every other day or so and we meet up like once or twice a week. So I have at least one person who I interact with on a regular basis. Which is nice but I guess it feels weird because I consider myself as someone who derives more fufillment from friendships than romantic relationships, yet here I am spending a large chunk of my social time with him, not only because I love him but because our schedules and work loads align more closely than my other relationships. But sometimes, I just get the vibe in general society that if you have the time, it's kind of expected that you spend the little time you have with relatives and your significant other if you have one and friends are a nice bonus or after thought. Even as an introvert, this seems like hell tbh lol. Like if you wanted to, you could work remotly, have anything you need shopping wise delivered to your house, and never leave which seems dystopian af. I guess work, whether it's the long hours, worrying about bills, or having to move around for you job, it really comes between the resources you have to pour into yourself much less spend time with others which is so unfortunate. And while I'm in a good place with work life balance, I wish the people around me had that too. I'm just venting at this point lol.

@Evan Gill I know that as you get older and people go on different paths and phases in life that friendships also ebbs and flow as you grow apart in one season and then grow back together in other seasons. I guess as someone who is 24 and only like 2 years out of college, it's hard to keep the big picture in perspective since it's only been 2 years and there is limitted life experiences in longer drawn out cycles. I have a handful of friends who I have good relationships with where we can be vulnerable and authentic with each other and I know we both put in effort. But sometimes life happens and I understand that the distance isn't in any malicious way. I'm also an introvert and I generally thrive in social settings that are one on one or in small groups so I guess in my mind, since I'm not an extrovert with groups and groups of friends and I know things are going to get worse as I get older, I wonder if like the 7 ish friends I have will dwindle to like 2 once I reach my 30s. I have plenty of hobbies and interests, I generally enjoy my own presance, and I would even argue that one of the ways that I like to actualize / work on myself is through platonic relationships since I'm of the belief that there is only so much you can work on yourself and heal in isolation. It's not a lonliness that is coming from a desparate place of wondering if there is something wrong with me or feeling needy/ insecure because I'm not hanging out with people regularly. I guess I find myself mourning a time when life was more so set up for these types of interactions and I catch myself wondering if this is just adulthood and I just have to suck it up or what. Like I get that friendships take work and in a way I like that I'm not around people constantly and that there is some degree of effort that people take to get out of their way to hang out. And I understand that some friendships just naturally grow apart and that this is alright and not anyone's fault really. But sometimes it feels like an uphill climb to mantain anything. It's one thing to go out of your way and put in effort. It's another thing to feel like you're swimming up stream because the path of lease resistance is carrying you in other ways due to actual logistical issues beyond anyone's control.

Also, I meant to put this in the relationships section. Is there a way for mods to move this thread there lol?

I Feel Stupid for Wanting to Prioritize Platonic Connections I know this isn't a new realization, the adults around me have been telling me this since I was a freshman in high school, but it is harder to make and keep friends when you're an adult and it take a lot more intentionality to maintain such relationships since you're not seeing these people everyday anymore and socializing isn't really baked into the way that your life is structured. That isn't new. What is new is how I feel like there is less of an incentive to maintain friends due to the priorities that society believes we should have. Even if you don't subscribe to it, it's sometimes hard not to fall into the path of least resistance especially if you're getting the vibe that this is happening to your friends. I feel like after you finish school, it's like friendship goes from one of the big things in your day to day life to an afterthought where you have to plan out catch up sessions on your Google calander with your friend like a month or two in advanced. And even then, life happens and then you have to reschedule. You're no longer living life with your friends by your side rather you have to update them on your life to the side. And this is a pretty shitty feeling when you're a person who derives a lot of fufillment from platonic connections rather than romantic ones. The big reason why I'm not neck deep in the lonliness epidemic is because I have a boyfriend and as a result, I talk to another person on a regular basis and I hang out with him like 2x a week. I think it's normalized that after school, much of your time is spent with a spouse or significant other. It's even reflected in the ways that we talk about lonliness in adulthood where whenever you bring up the topic, people automatically assume you're talking about romantic lonliness rather than platonic or familial. I think it's weird that when it comes to dating or a relationship, it's normal and expected to spend time with someone regularly but then when you make the same expectations of a friend to meet up like once a week, suddenly that feels too much. And even though I've never been the type of person whose all like *my man, my man, MY MAN* sometimes if you don't actively pay attention to it and you go along with the path of least resistance societally, your life can become isolated and centered around your partner even if that is not what is true to the way you place your priorities in your life. I feel shitty about being the main person reaching out sometimes. I sometimes try to talk myself out of it because I know that people are busy with work and their family and significant otheretc. and who the fuck do I look like to say they need to prioritize me above their other priorities?! Like if I have a friend who is coming from out of town, I know they are trying to spend time with family or a significant other and I don't want to interfere with that and make it hard for them to squeeze me into their limitted amount of time they have for PTO. Then there are careers. I know a lot of people post grad are on their grind to establish their career and that for the first 2-5 years are crucial in terms of getting your self set up, whether that means going to get your CPA, go to med school, law school, or figure out how to pay for that or work long hours in a consulting / investment banking firm so you can get decent exit opportunities afterwards. And all of this is sooo important in terms of ensuring you have a secure financial future, a way to support yourself and maybe a future family, etc. It is literal survival. And on top of that, especially if someone is in a toxic job that overworks them, I know some people barely have time for themselves much less others. I guess since I'm the friend who comparitively has more work life balance and is the party that is capable of being more flexible, I try to be more understanding towards people since I'm like 90% sure that my friends not reaching out isn't from some malicious place. But it gets old being the main person reaching out and I have encountered things this year that has hampered my usual role as the main person reaching out. When I'm being challenged with things in my personal life and as a result, I'm not on top of reaching out to people, it's like crickets. And that makes me feel some type of way. I also find myself looking around and feeling dumb that I prioritize friendship in this sort of way. Everyone seems to be prioritizing family/ significant others and their career more than friendships and I find myself wondering if I should do that too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm working hard on my career enough since I'm not stressed all the time or working crazy hours and because I have all this free time to pour into my platonic relationships. And since some of my friends don't have the same luxury even if they want to prioritize our friendship, I end up sitting around at my apartment like... As someone who doesn't have a close family support system and as an only child, my friends are like my chosen family. But I get a sense that my friends don't see me in the same level of closeness since they have families that are more stable than mine and they have people they can turn to in times when their social life is kind of dry due to friends being in different phases of their lives, in times when they are planning on having kids, or in time for the holiday. As a result, I think I just end up being the one who cares more in the dynamic, thus resulting in some degree of inequality. So it's like, I know you're supposed to prioritize family, but where does that leave you if you didn't have the luck to be born in a healthy/ functional one? And I'm sure that everything I described will get much worse once people get married and/or have kids. I've already had someone ghost me after she got married which hurt but also I'm worried about her since certain aspects of her relationship seems questionable. I've decided that I'm not going to keep reaching out but since I'm worried about her potentially being in a toxic situation, I'm just gonna keep the door open in case she needs anything. With the kids thing, that's 1000% understandable since kids, especially babies, pretty much take up like 90% of a woman's time since the responsiblity for everything typically falls on her. But it's still hard for both parties, both the mom and the friend, to deal with changes like that. I've been told since I was 15 that making and maintaining friends as you get older just gets harder. As an anxious and awkward 15 year old, that made me nervous and I thought to myself *well, I already kind of suck at making friends, how tf am I supposed to cope as I get older?* I find myself having that exact feeling but even more so since I'm seeing the theory in practice as an adult. Since this is something that gets harder over time, I wonder if it's worth prioritizing at all and if I'm better of prioritizing career and my romantic relationships more since at least the way that our society right now is structured, those seem more stable and reliable to a certain extent as constants in one's life. But one thing that gives me reassurance is that as I get older, I'll figure things out and that I'll have the tools to deal with things like this in the same way I have more things figured out now compared to when I was 15.