soos_mite_ah

Femininity YouTube Channels Pt. 2 I got tired of writing last night and also the post was getting too long so I decided that I was going to split this off into 2(?) parts Rabbit hole #4: The Divine Feminine It wasn't long after finding the other few rabbit holes that I also fell into the spiritual side of things as well. It was the perfect overlap between the two different content categories I was consuming. Honestly, I don't feel like I really need to get into what the divine feminine is and how it manifests since this is a spirituality forum and people around here are aware of the hippy dippy side of things. Instead, I'm going to go into some creators I found that I really benefit from. I have talked about both Isabel Palacios and Leeor Alexandra in previous journal entries and while I don't actively consume their content anymore (aint nothing wrong, I'm just exploring different corners of the internet) I do sometimes gravitate back because they have really positive energy imo. And sometimes, you need that energy and you need a nice reminder to have a positive self image, to honor your needs an boundaries, express yourself and your emotions, and carry yourself in a way where you value yourself and don't settle for less than what you deserve. Just in general, I noticed that a lot of spirituality channels that really talk about femininity often talk about the necessity of slowing down, taking care of yourself, and healing from different issues. I mean, I know people here are pretty familiar with Teal Swan and her content but I did find a lot of her videos on femininity to be insightful. I really found her video on periods interesting. That video mainly talked about how you should honor that time of the month and take that time as a sign to slow down, reflect, work through things, and take care of yourself. She's definitely not the only one talking about this and how a woman's energy levels fluctuate with her cycle and how it is unrealistic and unsustainable to expect people, especially women to always be putting in a 100% all the time. I do think that the general consensus among women is how the time of the month is horrible and they are in resistance towards it (and understandably so), but I think there is something to be said about working with yourself and making the time it's own occasion with a set of self care rituals instead of working against yourself and expecting yourself to just push through this and get it over with. Do I think you need to make it a whole thing and bring things like crystals, divine feminine paintings, and shadow work into it? I mean if that's your thing, go for it. For me, it's more along the lines of being cozy, taking a hot shower, and lighting a few candles. I've basically tried to introduce things that would make that time of the month something to look forward to. And I think that has improved the relationship that I have with my body as well as my mental health during this time because I associate it with things that I like instead of only associating it with pain.

Femininity YouTube Channels Lately on TikTok I have been encountering a lot of people who talk about feminism talk about femininity channels and more specifically black femininity channels. A lot of the main critiques are on how femininity is becoming a performance, how adhering to traditional gender roles just to be respected isn't liberating because you deserve to be respected regardless of how you express yourself as a woman, and how this further reinforce the limitations that women have when it comes to authentic self expression. And these things have even more layers and baggage attached to it when you take into consideration the role of white supremacy and the way that women of color, specifically black women, have had their femininity come into questioned as a way to further oppress them historically. I don't disagree with these at all and I think these are very valid points. However, I wouldn't say that this was my experience entirely and I want to talk about that more. I would say that I have gained a lot from watching femininity related content but I did encounter a lot of bs along the way as well. My "feminine journey" if you will (god that sounds kind of cringe lol) started when I was about 15 or so. Up until then I was a huge tomboy mainly because when I was a kid, the whole "I'm not like other girls (NLOG)" phenomenon was presented as empowering because you were getting away from traditional gender roles when really there was a lot of toxicity around that mindset that people didn't start unpacking until later (I stg the NLOG trope was everywhere in the late 90s and early 2000s). I also had a mother who painted things that were traditionally feminine like doing your hair and makeup, liking the color pink, getting dressed up as something that was all about pleasing men and would go on about how people who engaged in such things were superficial and dumb (including men who embraced their femininity, she often makes fun of guys who even look feminine tbh). I realized that I had a lot of internalized misogyny in me and that also was impacting relationships I had with other women at the time. This was especially important because I started going to a high school that was 2/3 female. For me, exploring my femininity meant that I was going to get outside of my comfort zone as far as my gender expression went to explore a side of myself I didn't always embrace. It also meant dismantling my internalized misogyny. It really just started with me growing out my hair and trying to figure out how to dress in a way that I wanted to express myself as. I also started to wear wedges and heels on a regular basis because it made me feel really good and confident (that's a whole nother topic lol). In addition to my self expression, I also started noticing on how I was raised by both of my parents to be emotionally unavailable, how I dismissed emotions and intuition and didn't see the rationality in them, and how traits that are associated with femininity like being vulnerable and soft were seen as a weakness. I started noticing on how that was really toxic for me and that's where a lot of the inner work began for me. And then I started getting exposed to the whole spiritual side of things regarding the divine feminine. I would say that YouTube did play a role in the way all of this was unfolding particularly starting from when I was 17/18 or so. It was definitely the place where I was getting ideas and content and it led me down many different rabbit holes, some bad, some absolutely awful, and some actually pretty good. Rabbit hole #1: Alt Right Trad Wife Pipeline. I initially started out with Anna Bey's channel. I just noticed a lot of her old videos are private/deleted but basically I gravitated towards her because I liked her outlook on fashion in the way that in a lot of her videos talked about buying things with quality materials, how to know whether or not clothes fit you right, etc. Her videos are rather click baity for my tastes, but I remember binging her content for a couple of weeks out of morbid curiosity regarding how to be bougie. She does come off as rather judgmental at times but tbh it feels more entertaining imo (again, it's probably the morbid curiosity talking). Tiffany Ferg recently made an insightful video on the whole "looking expensive" trend that really articulated my thoughts on this subject really well. While I highly doubt I "look expensive" I will say that this side of YouTube has really helped me look put together to where a lot of people assume I have my life together. But next thing I know I was getting recommended with trad wife content. I would say the most notable would be Mrs. Midwest's content. I binged her content for a couple of days out of morbid curiosity because it seemed like a mess. And I think on some level it was really educational, not in a *this is the type of femininity I want to implement* rather it was along the lines of *this is what femininity looks like under white supremacy, Christianity and Eurocentric standards.* It was an interesting case study to say the least and I would even say that it helped understand where a lot of conservative white women were coming from and this helped me deal with some people in my really white, conservative university. Also, while I was trying to find my own sense of femininity that I did encounter quite a few really stage blue channels that were approaching femininity in unhealthy ways. And I would say that after watching some of these videos and critiques of these videos that I got much better at knowing what red flags there are that I need to look out for. It also helped catch when the algorithm was about to point me in weird directions as well and I think that's a good skill to have regardless of what you're looking into because it enhances media literacy Rabbit hole #2: Hypergamy This mainly consisted of a bunch of really small channels at the time (think less than a 100k) and I kept getting recommended these videos. It was really shady to say the least, basically the female equivalent to pick up. I want to emphasize that and how small a lot of these communities were before the incels get over hear and have shit to say. These sources really felt like they were painting this caricature of men and reinforcing as well as normalizing a lot of toxic behaviors on both sides. And just as a general rule of thumb when it comes to videos on femininity/masculinity and dating advice, regardless of who the target audience is, if the source in question is having this *men are from Mars, women are from Venus* mindset where they paint the sexes almost like different species along stereotypes and/or the source in question has a very low consciousness definition of what it means to be a "high value man" or "high value woman" RUN! A lot of these sources aren't going to give you good insight towards human behavior as a whole and if they do have something insightful to say, it's going to be wrapped with a lot of bs that you're going to have to carefully weed through. I talked about some of this before in a thread I started about understanding pick up a while back: Rabbit hole #3: Black Femininity YouTube When I started being more mindful of the white supremacy that was hidden in femininity content, YouTube started giving me a lot of content from black creators. I would say from my observations, that a huge portion of femininity content on YouTube in general is geared toward black women in mind as the targeted audience. I thought this was a very interesting phenomenon. Before I get into this, I just want to say that even though I am a woman of color, there is only so much I can understand about femininity in black communities because I lack direct experience. So as a result, I have these observations in these videos I was watching and I knew some context given how I have tried educate myself, however I lack sufficient amounts of personal experience to really have an insightful take. I found this to be a mixed bag given the content my algorithm pushed. I found some sources that were vaguely racist and that would really pick at some insecurities I know are present in women of color (especially black women) in their communities. Some examples would include talking about how some women are too loud and how really long acrylic nails are unfeminine. While these things by themselves don't seem like much, when you look at the context, there is a racial undertone that is there. I found these video critiques to be really valid At the same time, there were also other sources that came in with the mindset of how femininity needs to be redefined by women of color, how there were many different ways of embracing your femininity, and how women of color need to reclaim their femininity in the face of a system that doesn't take their femininity seriously and expects them to embody this archetype of the "strong black women" instead of allowing the expression of hurt and vulnerability. It's about setting boundaries with yourself and others, not settling for subpar romantic and platonic relationships, allowing yourself to ask for help, and reclaim the softness that you were discouraged from embracing because it seemed to threatening. I used to really binge Asha Christina's content. I think for most people it's a good foundation regarding defining and exerting your boundaries/standards, assuring that you stay / seek out respectful situations, knowing when to walk away from situations that don't serve you, and not making excuses for people. I have since stopped consuming her content because I found myself outgrowing it because even though her content is a really good foundation for people who are generally clueless when it comes to dating, it can be rather rigid tbh. Overall, a lot of healthy orange with the general limitations of orange. I really like The Feminine Fancy's content as well. I find her personality to be really refreshing and I love how insightful she is about a variety of topics that I feel are things that a lot of people that deal with but from a more feminine lens. To me, she has a really good balance with content that is fun like fashion and design but also really perceptive when it comes to talking about things people deal with in their 20s. Overall, I like her content because I really like her energy. Finally, there is Karine Aloude. When I first found her content, I thought that she had a really diverse idea of femininity. I discovered her through her femininity around the world series where she talked about how femininity shows up in different parts of the world, issues that women have to deal with internationally, and different perspectives on femininity by looking at different traditions. However, she has since taken down that series mainly because she was trying to do a video on South Africa and things started getting messy as far as different perspectives and the political conflicts in that area. And while her content was never problematic, she did come out and say that there is only so much she can know by talking to people and studying without direct experience. She also does analysis on people and characters where she looks at how their femininity shows up in a very individual and personal way as well as lessons her viewers can take to develop a healthier relationship to their femininity. Overall, I love how she doesn't paint femininity in a broad stroke with a lot of hard and fast rules.

The Soulmate AU I wrote a post about Coffee Shop AUs in fanfiction and how that relates to the way that I view my romantic life. I also keep running into these posts on tiktok where people joke about how your favorite fanfiction growing up trope says something about yourself. Some common romantic tropes include enemies to lovers, childhood friends, coffee shops, and the accidentally sharing a bed awkwardly that eventually turns into waking up into each others arms trope. The soulmate trope usually along the lines of when you finally meet the one you finally start aging or seeing in color, or you have a certain mark on your body and your soulmate also has the same mark, or you're given some kind of count down until you meet your soulmate etc. And I know these people are joking but sometimes tiktok has this thing where the algorithm knows me too well to where I'm just left feeling personally called out. A lot of the people who would joke about the soulmate AU talk about how people who had this trope as their favorite growing up probably thought that people would never love them unless there was some type of divine intervention that would make things like this fated. It's that and needing a sense of predictability in their love lives as an indication of knowing when they have met someone who they have a healthy relationship with. And I think that checks as someone who has a hard time imagining people seeing me in a desirable light and prioritizing me romantically as well as someone who didn't grow up with a good representation of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. I also think my attraction to this trope when I was 12 foreshadowed the way that I currently use astrology and tarot as a coping mechanism since I have no idea where my life is currently going. Also, this is a tangent but currently I'm sitting in a coffee shop in my home town because I went back home during Thanksgiving. The place where this coffee shop is located is in the historic district of this small down and currently it's all decorated for Christmas. I lowkey feel like I'm in a Hallmark movie where you have a female protagonist who lives in the city, who has come back to their small town for the holidays and who eventually is just hanging out in town when they meet a guy they like (who is probably a childhood friend and/or someone the main character hates initially) and who makes them slow down in life and appreciate the small things.

My View of Long Term Goals I wrote this in my post about why I am drawn to astrology and tarot and how that relates to my self development journey as well as my growing impatience with long term goals: I feel like the delays I have come across with reaching my goals has resulted in me not being phased by taking 3+ years in achieving a goal. I would also add the delays with my college experience and how the environment has made it feel like it dragged on even longer has also contributed to this as well. I think me actively and consistently working towards long term goals have made them seem much less intimidating and there is a part of me that is ok with delayed gratification (granted that they are simply delayed and I know they are coming rather than they are delayed for an unnecessary amount of time). I would also say that as someone who is probably going to graduate college in the next year or so, that there is an appeal of having the next 4-10 years of your life mapped out. I wrote about this in another post in this journal not too long ago: And I guess I'm writing about this because I find this shift to be really interesting. I remember not to long ago when I was 18 or so (or just in general in high school) that I would look at people who are doing grad school or just in school for a long period of time and thinking *how tf do you just stick to that and why??? Like don't you want to start your life and just get school over with????* I remember feeling so much resistance to this idea because in my mind it seemed so grueling but now the dynamic flipped to where this almost feels like the path of least resistance. While I do think that viewing this as the path of least resistance can come from a place of dysfunction where you don't want to deal with uncertainty in your life and want to follow a predetermined path of sorts, I think it's also coming from a healthy place where I'm more comfortable with setting long term goals for myself and following through because I see the benefits of long term goals. I can more easily recognize the importance of how quality long term goals can help you develop a sturdy foundation and structure in your life, how it can guide your values and decision making, how it can give you a sense of meaning, as well as how consistently working on something in a constructive way can give tangible results. I also don't want this post to be me shitting on my past self either. Because it makes sense as to why she would think this way. Asking my 16 year old self to envision working towards a goal like med school for 8 years or imagining my 24 year old self is the equivalent of asking me right now what I'm going to be doing with my life in my mid 30's. It's like half a life time away. I also feel like developmental power dynamics also play a role in this where the distance between 16 and 24 seem much greater than say 21 and 28 even though with the later gap, that's still a significant difference. Like me thinking about my late 20s doesn't seem as scary or unthinkable so long as I don't factor in things like kids and marriage into the picture (which I have decided since a long ass time ago that I wasn't going to worry about until I'm in my 30s). And I think it's easier for me to not factor in those things when I think about my late 20s because we're currently living in a time where the average age of getting married and having kids have gone up within a generation. Instead, I'm trying to think of other long term goals and the idea of starting something now, being consistent at it, and ending up with something pretty damn impressive in 6-10 ish years doesn't seem all that outlandish or intimidating. So basically, I think this mindset is a product of holding long term goals, growing up and having my perception of time change, dealing with a lot of delays in my life and learning to deal with it, and a result of where I'm currently at with my life.

@lxlichael glad it helped

I found a really good video about hypersexuality that I thought would be perfect for this journal. I have journaled about this topic in the past and I don't have much experience with this topic but nevertheless find in interesting and I think it's really important to be educated about:

Really liked this video. It's something that resonates with me now and that I can see resonating with me more in the future.

I normally opt for women of color or other Asian women so I don't have to spend too much time explaining what it's like growing up with immigrant parents and dealing with systemic issues. I usually look for someone who is action oriented and who has a more structured approach to therapy (i.e. having tasks to do between sessions, clearly defined goals, checking in at the end of the session to make sure things are going good etc.), lets me vent, and is reassuring/ supportive.

Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years So lately I've been really looking at some of my past journal entries (both on here and offline), past interactions on this forum, as well as reflecting on how I've grown as a person in the last 2 years or so. While some feelings of cringe inevitably came up, I started also thinking about the frequency and intensity I feel cringe when I reflect back. I have done this thing before where I look at the last 2 years of growth and I noticed that as the years go on, I look back and cringe less frequently and less intensely. I think a few factors come to mind: Becoming more of a polished version of myself as time goes on More integration = less shame The frontal lobe is forming / developmental life stages (not necessarily SD or Cook-Greuter but just people maturing through life in general) Becoming the Polished Version of Myself: I took some notes on the book Cringeworthy a few months ago and I found some parts of the book and my notes applicable to my post today. I think as time goes on I'm becoming a more polished version of myself and as a result I'm not having as many cringe moments. That's not to say that I'm not a work in progress, I most definitely am, but I think my growth falls under an exponential curve in a sense. Like the difference between 14 year old me and 16 year old me felt incredibly cringe inducing back when I was 16. But this doesn't feel as bad as thinking back to my 20 year old self at 22. I wouldn't say that I grew more between 14 and 16 than 20 and 22 (if anything I would say it's the opposite), but I feel like back then simply because I had more things to smooth over, it felt more like an exponential difference. I haven't been cringing at my posts too hard but I do look at some of my posts that felt like a break through back then and it feels like common sense now mainly because I had time to integrate what I learned. That said, to be completely honest, there is a part of me that feels like I'm going to look at my posts on here at 25 and have a massive cringe attack. As far as my writing goes, I feel like this is my Lizzy Grant trailer park era. Just to give a background to this reference, Lana Del Rey has a huge amount of unreleased music out there because someone leaked her personal files. Much of the unreleased music was made before she got big or even earlier when she was still in her experimental phase where she was figuring out her style and tone of music. The work is definitely rough around the edges and also is a reflection of how back then she wasn't as put together as she is now (the subject of her music back then was more chaotic and likely reflected the trauma in her life at the time, hence "trailer park era"). Nevertheless, people still like her work and she was rather prolific in this time. However, I'm pretty sure she feels violated and has a huge dose of cringe since this was leaked without her consent and was likely incredibly personal. I'm not saying I'm going to be big in terms of writing but I do see my writing as rather rough, unpolished, personal, and frequent. I'm also pretty sure that I'm going to be at a much more stable place later on when I look back and even though my writing isn't cringe inducing, it might be still cringe for me personally. I don't know, only time will tell. More Integration = Less Shame I feel like since 2020 I have done a lot of work regarding my shadow with perfectionism and competence. And I noticed a drastic reduction on me cringing in my daily life, searching up cringe content, and over all being judgmental towards others. I think letting go of a lot of the issues I have around perfectionism and competence has helped me not hyperfocus on myself and not split myself up into what I am now and who I'm expecting myself to be. Also, I tend to find myself to be more accepting towards past mistakes as well as being more forgiving, and as a result I'm cringing less. The Frontal Lobe Forming / Developmental Stages First of all, your frontal lobe usually finishes forming at around 25 and your formative years are often described as the time when you grow and mature a lot between about 15-25. This is similar to the first point I talked about. I would expand on it by also discussing age gaps in relationships. I know I've said this a lot in other threads but just in general, the age gap on paper isn't what matter so much as the life stages of the individuals. An 18 year old dating a 22 year old is hella weird but someone at 28 dating a 32 year old isn't. That's because there is so much growing up you do between 18 and 22 through your life experiences and your frontal lobe developing. You move through more developmental changes and your life circumstances change a lot during that time. At 18, you're in high school, living with your parents, and you're applying to colleges. At 22, it's likely that you're about to graduate college and you're thinking about your future career and you're living more independently or you might be living away from home. However, by the time you're 28/32, it doesn't have as much of a power imbalance because both parties are settled into their lives and are fully formed adults. I feel like the cringe response I get when I think of my past self is kind of like observing the power imbalance between my present self and past self. I also have a litmus test when it comes to dating where if say for example I'm looking to date someone 5 years older than me, I would ask myself *would 22 year old me want to date 17 year old me without it being awkward and cringy?* And if the answer is *yes that would be awkward and cringy* I know that power imbalance for that relationship would be too much and that it wouldn't be healthy to pursue. While I mentioned in the first point on how I feel like I'm going to cringe at myself at 25 or so real hard, I also feel that reflecting on the growing I do after my frontal lobe is formed (say being 28 and thinking back to my 26 year old self) is going to be minimally cringe inducing compared to when I'm smack in the middle of my formative years (say being 20 and thinking about your 18 year old self).

Aint nothing wrong with either so long as people are going about it in a conscious, self aware way where they know what their intentions are, they can communicate it effectively, and their intentions are coming from a healthy place. You can do either from a healthy or unhealthy place Healthy casual sex: exploration of your sexuality, learning about different sides of yourself and what you like etc. Healthy relationships: being with someone who you trust and who respects you, you and your partner(s) are being proactive on self development, good communication etc. Unhealthy casual sex: Sex as self-harm, hypersexuality due to sexual trauma, constantly needing validation, lying to pump and dump etc. Unhealthy relationships: codependency, getting into relationships because of external pressures (time, family, culture etc.), serial monogamy etc. Wrote somethings about my thoughts on casual sex in my journal: Basically, there is no one size fits all. Just exercise some self awareness and reflect on what you want and need and you'll be fine. Also, it's important to keep in mind that your needs and desires can change over time depending on your stage of life.

Or you could also make the argument that women are also likely to polygamous and be ok with causal sex because back then the odds of your child dying as an infant were so high that you needed to be getting laid regularly and with multiple partners to have a wide range of genetic content to ensure the survival of the child.

No, this is the best way to ensure that you don't waste your time or her time while being clear and honest with your intentions. If anything, a person being upfront with their intentions, even if it doesn't align with yours, is a green flag. This isn't even the "what are we" conversation because if you're on a first date, you don't know each other yet and there is no commitment whatsoever. It's more along the lines of "do we have the same goals" conversation. And yes, you are risking rejection but if a girl is genuinely down for that dynamic, she will appreciate you being upfront about it and you don't have to manipulate her into this dynamic because she actually wants to be there. If she wants a relationship and that's not what you're looking for, that's perfectly fine. Keep it moving and find someone else who aligns with what you want. Yes this is bitterness and no don't act it out. It will feed the bitterness.

Yes. Everyone needs to know what they are getting into in order to consent to the situation and not be emotionally manipulated/taken advantage off. Asking someone what they are looking for is a pretty standard question to ask on a first date. It's also not a good idea to drag something on if yall aren't on the same page. But you think that going to parties you don't enjoy to have a bunch of one night stands is going to help? That's literally how fwb works. It's fine if you don't have sex with them. Like you said, you'll still be able to practice other aspects.

You can make it known in situations like these that you're just looking for a fwb. And there ya go, it's ethical.

Yeah. Sex is one way to connect if you wish to use it in that way. Also, oxytocin, the bonding chemicals, is something that men deal with too. But for some reason whenever the psychological/biological argument comes up, this argument is almost always used for women only. So, if men are able to feel the effects of oxytocin and still do things casually, I don't see why women wouldn't be able to either. Granted, the effects vary from individual person to individual but I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we need to get rid of the whole binary of *men are hard wired for casual sex* vs *women are hard wired for relationships.* Because that shit is an over simplification and can result in a lot of fucked up thinking. I talk about this more in one of my journal posts:

100% agree. Women are just as capable of having no strings attached sex. Having sex with her doesn't gurantee that she's going to be in a relationship with you and same goes for guys as well. That's one of the many reasons why the whole "there is no relationship without sex" gets on my nerves.

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: Date Your Best Friend I have a friend who is currently engaged to a guy she's been dating for almost 5 years now. I've also met her now fiancé on a few occasions and from what I get from both of them is that they are both very stable, grounded, consistent, and put together people. Normally, I would have objections to getting married so young but knowing them, I have more of a leeway because if anyone in my life could pull this sort of thing off, it's probably them. My only concern is perhaps logistical stuff when it comes to what they want from life and say if things change in a few years regarding priorities and that causes issues. But as far as their relationship and dynamic goes, it's very healthy and loving. But from what I've seen in my life, a healthy and loving relationship isn't enough for something like marriage. It's the bare minimum and there is so many other things that goes into it as well. When I first started dating initially, she was pretty supportive and she was a nice sanity check for the experiences I was having. She would tell me over and over on how it's important to have that foundation of friendship and be genuinely comfortable around each other and not play games, how yall should be a part of each other's lives but not the whole of it, similar to how you deal with your friends. It was a way of helping me calm down before dates and not over think things but at the same time not write off any red flags (because if you wouldn't tolerate something with a friend, why tf would you tolerate the same thing with a significant other). She would often describe on how being in a relationship with this guy doesn't feel all that different from when they were friends with the exception that they are more physical with each other. Just as a little background, she and this guy met when they were kids. He had a crush on her when they were 12 or so but she rejected him. He moved on emotionally and never got really weird and needy because he had his own life. A few years passed and they continued being friends. They both dated other people and even got into other relationships. By the time they were 17, the feelings were mutual and they started dating. And now they are engaged. Basically, when I think about this situation as well as the relationships I built with my friends above, I feel like relationships are work in the sense of you need to put yourself out there, figure out how to make time with each other, and follow up with it to nurture that connection, but it isn't work in the sense that you have to do this dance in order to get them to like you. Keeping a conversation going and getting to know a person shouldn't be this thing where you're like *oh shit, what do I say next, I don't want to make things weird.* That is, if you actually click with this person. I would also characterize attraction as both something that can build over time and that can be instantaneous. Again, it's kind of how I described clicking with someone in the previous post. At the same time, I wouldn't always bank on slow burn attraction building mainly because it's important to have your own life and I feel like this can fuel the whole "nice guy" phenomenon where guys get weirdly obsessed with a girl and tries to befriend her with ulterior motives (like please, have a life, it doesn't even have to be pertain to your romantic life, just have other things going on). But at the same time, I wouldn't write this off either because sometimes when we hyper focus on instantaneous attraction, we are prioritizing what our emotional pain bodies are saying and gravitate towards a high someone gives us instead of something that is stable and sustainable. I know this probably doesn't help because of how it isn't blatantly tangible but when it comes to discerning a connection and discerning healthy dynamics has to do with familiarity to those dynamics. The best way I would describe it is that it's comparing a cocaine high to eudemonic high you get after working out or eating healthy. The first is this exciting rush with these dramatic highs and lows. The second situation, you do feel good in the moment and it might or might not click immediately, but as time moves on you build that momentum because it isn't something that happens overnight. I guess my biggest issue with cold approaching vs building something via social circle. I feel like pick up can take advantage of the volatility of the emotional highs and lows to build something on the spot (since there is no initial foundation) which then can often lead to dysfunction on both sides (because a lot of messed up people use emotional highs and lows to get someone addicted). Because from my experience, attraction that has a good foundation is attraction that is sustained for a longer period of time (I'm planning a separate post on that). I think another good quote to sum things up is this:

As long as you can make her cum a few times, I think you'll be good. And you don't even need a dick to do that much less a large one. Also, I never said that women wouldn't sleep with men knowing their size. I was saying that women won't sleep with men who act like their dick size is part of their personality and that it's something they need to insert into a conversation.,

There is a difference between being masculine and feminine, and between being sexually attracted to a woman or a man body. People think there is no difference and conflate the two, don't make that mistake. I think this pretty much sums up how heteronormative and limited yalls explanation of human behavior and attraction is especially on this forum.

The Normalization of Drugs in Adult Life Finals week is coming up soon and I have a lot of work piled up. Every now and then I catch myself thinking *god I need a drink* or *I think I need a smoke.* I then stand there in confusion because my next thought is *where tf is that coming from, I don't drink or smoke nor do I even like it?* I thought about it a little more and I came to the conclusion that this has to do with the normalization of drugs in adult life. I remember when I first got to college (it's safe to say that I go to a party school) that I felt out of place with the drinking culture here. There was a part of me that even felt childish for not engaging because it's almost seen as a rite of passage of sorts. 4 years later and after observing a bunch of people who use partying as a coping mechanism for whatever the fuck is going on in their lives, I don't feel childish for not engaging rather the whole culture behind drugs just seems absurd to me. And yes, I'm even including caffeine in this. Like, I've had so many people look at me like I'm fucking insane for not drinking coffee on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a drink from Starbucks like once every other week or so and I like chilling in coffeeshops but it's not like I get cravings for it or that I feel like I need it for my energy levels. I know a few people who have caffeine addictions to the point where they get full on withdrawal symptoms and I'm just sitting there like: And I think college has made things worse because not only is there is the caffeine, but some people went on to start using ADHD meds when they don't have ADHD to get ahead. Again, I'm just there like....... wtf... Especially with the coffee thing, it baffles me how often people don't recognize that it's an addiction or a dependence, or hell that caffeine is a drug. Like if this was any other drug in question and you needed a fix first thing in the morning, people would jump to an intervention. I feel like alcohol is along the same lines particularly when it comes to going out or winding down. Personally, I don't get it because alcohol tastes bad. But also, I don't really feel relaxed after a couple drinks but then again it probably has more to do with how my body processes alcohol. I don't see anything wrong with alcohol (or in some cases, weed/ cigarettes) but I do find it rather strange that this is something that people associate with relaxation or coping with a long day at work even if they don't have an addiction. And I also think that this is rather concerning as well because alcohol is seen as a valid coping mechanism even though it is a drug and it can easily spiral in alcoholism for some people. I do think that the media plays a role in this. I don't think it's always in glamorizing light but it paints this type of thing as something that is quirky and relatable. I did a whole post a few months ago on wine moms (and I think that post is a more specific version of what I'm talking about in this post) and I thought I'd link it here as well as put in a quote: I do think that there isn't anything wrong with doing things in moderation or safely. As far as my political views go, I'd say that I'm pretty much in favor of decriminalizing drugs because criminalizing drug use doesn't help because it stops people from seeking help, it causes people to get drugs from shady places, and it has unnecessarily harsh sentences, especially for POC. I just personally draw the line on being physically and emotionally dependent on it to get through your day and cope with life. I think it also makes me think *damn, is adult life that depressing to where you need to numb yourself to a certain extent just to get through?* Is our way of life collectively the way it is now really that unsustainable? Not to be that person but I feel like it comes down to how capitalistic and consumeristic life here is. I find myself observing with some people how they wake up in the morning and drink a shit ton of coffee to get through the day and work long hours and then use alcohol or weed to unwind and temporarily distract themselves from their exhaustion, how much they hate their work, and anything else that may be going on in their personal lives. And then it's a whole cycle. To me, that seems depressing as hell. I guess there is also a part of me that can empathize with this because even as a nonsmoker and nondrinker, after a long day the thought of *god I need a drink* or *I think I need a smoke* comes up. There is a place in my soul, albeit small since I don't have that much direct experience, that looks at people who have issues with drugs and I am like *bruh I feel you, I hate it here too.* There is a part of me that gets the whole wanting to cope with substances just at the very least put some issues you're dealing with constantly on pause for a little bit. Like I get it, that type of emotional labor really weighs on you over time and in some cases it's a constant thing. And you want nothing more than to put that weight down for maybe a few minutes or an hour. Maybe if I was working 80 hours a week, had no hobbies that didn't contribute to a resume due to a lack of time, was coping with leaving a narcissistic abusive boyfriend, all while trying to figure out my life and study for the LSATs, I'd probably be vaping like a chimney too when I got anxious. I really wish that when it came to things like drug education for kids that they took a more empathetic approach rather than a demonization approach when it came to depicting drug users. Because knowing why people use drugs and providing alternative ways of coping is more effective and people can catch themselves if they know the warning signs of when drug use goes into the unhealthy category.

It's a common joke among women since Loki has more female fans because of how his character is written but men still want to insist that women find thor more attractive because muscles even though that isn't the case. Also, as far as size not mattering, we aren't going to know your dick size before sleeping with you unless you try to brag about how big your dick is. If you're one of those guys, we'll just assume that it's small, physically and spiritually.

@Vivaldo And that's the difference between what men think women find attractive vs what women actually find attractive I also meant to say thor on the previous post lol. Got my Chris' mixed up

Loki >>>> Captain America

Just as a question with guys on this forum who go clubbing often. How many of your romantic dating experiences and relationship experiences have come from meeting girls in clubs? And how do you think those experiences shaped how you think of dating now?

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: People I Actually Resonate With There have been a handful of times in the semester where I have hung out with my friends and things felt so effortless and natural to the point where I managed to hang out with them for 5-8 hours straight. I normally identify as someone who is more on the introverted side of things but in those interactions, it isn't so much I shed my introversion rather I was enjoying myself so much to where I barely noticed my social battery completely dying. I was hanging out with one of my friends last week and I caught myself feeling sleepy at around 7 (we met up at 2 so it's been like 5 hours) and I just wrote it off as me having a messed up sleep schedule simply because I wanted to continue being around this person. Then by the time it was around 10 I was like *nope this is definitely my social battery running out because normally I'm not tired at this hour* and then I told this person that I really had to go to sleep. The first instance of this is with my current roommate. Granted because of our living situation we hang out and get food together frequently but I will say that I'm really good friends with this roommate and we clicked immediately. I've had a roommate before whom I didn't resonate with. We got along fine and didn't have any issues living together but (not to be mean) I wouldn't say that socializing with her was super fun and sometimes it felt a little forced. We simply weren't on the same wave length. While I did recognize that back then, there was also a part of me that judged me for "being awkward" when in reality, I was never awkward. I just didn't click with this person and that is ok. My current roommate on the other hand, one time we went thrift shopping together and then we got something to eat. Afterwards we had a movie marathon with a couple of their friends and they showed me their favorite monster movies. It was a really nice day and I really enjoyed myself. I didn't feel like I had to push a conversation along or that I had to come up with something to talk about. It just naturally happened. Another time with a different friend, I met up with him for lunch and then we went to the lake to feed the fish. I haven't seen him in years and we had a lot to catch up on. He's one of those people who I feel little to no judgement around so I was even able to share some of the more private things that I have been dealing with for the past year and a half. We also drove around a little bit and got ice cream as well. This is the friend that I was talking about in the first paragraph. Then there is another time where I met this girl and I got to talking to her because we were in the same class and we also lived in the same dorm. We would sometimes hang out after class and get dinner and often times I would meet with her first thing in the morning in the library so we would get some work done. I will be honest, I didn't click with this person right away but I will say that it was still good for me. Granted that you shouldn't force relationships but I do think there is a benefit of taking time to click with someone. I would say our friendship developed in a very healthy place and that it has gotten to the point where I can just be around this person for a few hours straight and not be drained. Finally, there is another girl that I met in one of my classes who I clicked with not exactly right away but at the same time it wasn't like this slow thing like the previous friend I talked about but it wasn't something that was instantaneous. I feel like it was going pretty slow but then I opened up about something that was slightly vulnerable while still keeping my boundaries. And things just kind of went from there. I would talk to this person 10 minutes before our class and 10 minutes after, longer if class was let out early. We finally had the chance to hang out out side of school for the first time. I met up with her to get dinner at around 7 and we pretty much talked til midnight. I feel like I intellectually resonate with her so well to where I didn't want to end the conversation and we lost track of time to where I had to remind her about the time. Now, why tf am I talking about my platonic relationships when this journal is mainly centered around romantic relationships and sexuality? Given the description I have given about the time that I spent with each of these people, I will say that they could have easily been framed as little dates I have been on. To be completely honest, there have been times after these interactions where there is a thought that would cross my head and that thought it "I wish that the dates I've gone on with guys flowed so effortlessly. I wish that I really resonated with them the way that I resonate with the people I hang out with." I could go into more in depth with why that is so but I don't want to stray from the point too much. The point that I'm trying to make is that in the end of the day, human relationships are human relationships, platonic or otherwise. I remember that when I was in therapy that I brought up to my therapist about how I wanted to unpack somethings regarding my dating life and she immediately started with asking about my friendships. And she explained to me that she's taking this approach because the way that we approach how we relate to people often isn't isolated to the platonic field or the romantic field or hell even the professional field and that certain patterns bleeds out everywhere. I've also always heard on how people who are bad friends are often also bad romantic partners as well and I think when you utilize the logic I talked about previously about common patterns, things make more sense. I think what each of these instances along with the friendships I have made this semester has taught me is how to recognize when I authentically click with someone and how to build relationships in a more sustainable way that is well paced. I feel like before in college, there was this desire I had to project this sense of social competence because in my mind I saw myself as this awkward duck way back since elementary/middle school. And I had this very narrow idea of what social competence looked like as well. In a nut shell, I saw being socially competent as being that social butterfly that becomes good friends with everyone in the room and having this larger than life personality . I expanded on the social competence, my misconceptions around it, and how I internalized it/ worked through it in a bunch of other posts from my previous journal: As a result of this limiting belief, I found myself forcing a lot of platonic relationships that simply weren't working, not because there was something wrong with me or the other person, but because we simply didn't click (and I wasn't in an environment where I had a lot of things in common with people so I was essentially on an up hill climb). And after years of that, it gets hard not to internalize the idea that there is something wrong with socially you or that. And I'm sure there are parallels with what I'm describing and with dating because lessons that you learn on dealing with people doesn't just stay in one area of your life.