soos_mite_ah

I think saying tumblr is the origins of these aesthetics is a large over simplification especially in the way that cultural factors play a large role as to what people tend to gravitate towards. it's just that whenever I see people make breakdowns of different aesthetics, tumblr somehow always comes into the picture. I guess because of how niche tumblr can be, as a result it has also given a platform to more niche aesthetics. It's often the place (and now that place is tiktok) that people first encounter these aesthetics. Yes I have. I never actually got around to watching it since I'm not really a Netflix binger but I have heard mixed opinions about it ranging from being excited about getting representation and a character they find relatable to feeling stereotyped an boxed into a certain experience to having mixed feelings because somethings resonate while other things feel over exaggerated. I think a lot of the mixed opinions likely have to do with the limited number of content like this to where there is more pressure for one show to fit everyone if that makes sense. I did go through a phase where I really enjoyed watching coming of age shows I guess because it felt like a more dramatic, interesting, and deeper version of my own boring life in a way. I mostly couldn't relate to the stuff that would typically happen in these shows/ movies because of the way I was stressed about school, getting into college, and family issues and because of the way I had a relatively drama free friend group and a nonexistent romantic life (that's not to mention how white people centered a lot of this genre is). But I could often relate to the emotions and the messages that were involved in this type of media to a certain extent. One of my favorites from this genre is Blinded by the Light which is a movie about a teenage boy in London who is trying to deal with his family and deal with the conservative politics back when Margret Thatcher was in power in the 1980s while using Bruce Springsteen's music to cope. I remember watching this and actually feeling represented for the first time. I felt like all I had to do is replace Springsteen with Green Day and replace the setting with Texas in 2017 right after Trump became president and you basically had my teenage experience in a nutshell.

I mean pretty much. Honestly, I wasn't on tumblr a lot either. I'd mainly log on when I was either angry about current events or having some kind of existential crisis. I'm somewhat familiar with different sides of tumblr though. Those would include: fandom tumblr which consisted of people talking about their favorite books, shows, manga/anime, actors, music etc. SJW tumblr gay tumblr which I never got into but I hear a lot about especially from people who were in conservative areas growing up and didn't feel comfortable being out but nevertheless wanted an outlet and community for their identity porn tumblr (wasn't on here, just stumbled upon it accidentally a couple times) which consisted of a concerning number of minors talking about ddlg kinks (I mean, you're allowed to like what you like but there is something that is uncomfortable about a 15 year old talking about their kinks into detail. Also, if I'm not mistaken, a lot of explicit things were wiped clean from tumblr in the last couple years) mental illness tumblr where a lot of people would talk about creating more awareness around mental health as well as sharing experiences but there was a segment who would also romanticize things and make it into an aesthetic which was pretty messed up Aesthetic tumblr (basically the origins of things like cottagecore and dark academia but also the main place where you would get inspiration for pastel goth outfits) I remember growing up I would watch Lily Singh's content back in her iisuperwomanii. She an a lot of brown creators would make a bunch of skits poking fun at some of the strict and dysfunctional parenting trends that are in the community in a way that was relatable. I remember using that content to try to see my situation in a more lighthearted way so I won't become too depressed. But at the same time, there are quite a few instances where I would try to google how to deal with my issues only to at most find a couple of blog posts. Things are changing though. I know a lot of people on tiktok who really talk about their observations and analysis of different issues as well as unpacking their own experiences. There are a lot of instagram accounts as well, one of the large ones being browngirltherapy and sahajkholi (she's more active on twitter though based on the fact that I keep seeing screenshots of her tweets on instagram). Also, just in general, I have been observing more brown people go into mental health related fields as well. I discovered Healthygamergg's content a couple months ago. I know he touches on a few issues in the south asian community when his experiences come up in his streams. But I don't think I encountered any videos specifically about this though. I think it would be valuable and interesting for me to look into the origins of this trope more tbh. For some reason it feels like it's everywhere in the teen drama/ coming of age type media. I also really enjoyed reading about what you wrote on Lady Bird as well.

This video was strangely comforting. I would link a shorter video of Natalie saying "nothing matters" but I couldn't mind one. But then again this feels like one of those meditation music sounds you can find on youtube that's like 3 hours long.

The Sad White Girl Trope Oh lord I'm falling down a rabbit hole of connecting with a past version of myself aren't I? After looking through my old journal posts, I decided it was going to be a good idea to go through my tumblr blog from 2016-2017. Apart from the memes and feminist posts that I re-blogged because I was feeling angry and upset about Trump coming into office, I came across a bunch of quotes that I thought was the most insightful thing in the world when I was 16 (not to say that these things aren't insightful or that there is anything wrong with their content, it's just that I'm not absolutely mesmerized by it as I used to be). I then decided that I should log onto my tumblr and find the different accounts I was following that gave me inspiration for my writings and contemplations. I'll just note down a couple of examples so y'all get the picture of the types of things I was gravitating towards at the time. I think these kinds of posts were what shaped my concept of insightfulness and good writing in my mind. Given the content I was surrounding myself with, it's not surprising that there was a part of me that wanted to emulate this way of writing because of the ways that it resonated with me, even though this is not a way of writing that is particularly authentic to me personally. Then I remembered Savannah Brown and I remembered how she was probably one of the main youtubers in my late teens that really resonated with me and I binged her content. (also, before going any further I want to give some credit to @modmyth who reminded me of Savannah's content a couple months back and who had a lot of interesting things to say about the whole sad white girl phenomenon) Her content feels like the embodiment of the side of tumblr that I frequented at and as a result, a side to my personality from some point in the past. It was this side of myself that was tucked away between the hours of 1 am and 4 am back in 2016 that was only captured by my writing at the time and the handful of conversations I would occasionally have with people where we would finally have the courage to be vulnerable because it was crack head hours and we were on a sleep deprivation high. I would characterize this side of myself as insightful but somewhat fake deep (mainly because of the way I filtered my writing to achieve a certain poetic and flowery sound), melancholic and somewhat self deprecating, pensive and somewhat confused, and overall drowning in an existential crisis while trying to make it somewhat metaphorical and beautiful. Alternative to what tumblr will have people believe due to lack of representation aesthetically, being angsty isn't a white people thing. While I can't speak for other communities, I can say that being angsty is a pretty common phenomenon with South Asian people due to things like generational trauma. In a nut shell, I feel like a lot of south asian familes who immigrated to the U.S. and either had kids here or brought their children over when they were really young so as a result most of the kids grew up in the U.S. face a very large gap generationally as far as consciousness goes. Basically, you have a lot of the parents who are mainly blue (or blue/orange if you're lucky) and then you have most of the kids who are orange/green or straight up green. And that results in a lot of conflict and difficulty that can be pretty messy to figure out growing up. I feel like the relationship that the desi community has to angstiness is very different from your standard sad white girl who is having an existential crisis. White people angst is wrapped in poetry and philosophical thought around existentialism and nihilism (and don't get me started on how Eurocentric a lot of academia and philosophy is). There is this sense of romanticism that also occurs, often unintentionally but sometimes intentionally (dark academia anyone?) and next thing you know you have whole aesthetics built around certain distinct flavors of angst. With brown people however, I remember there was a chunk of time in my teens where I seldom found serious conversations in the South Asian American community regarding things like generational trauma. Instead, when topics like this would come up, I would often find them in the context of memes. I feel like there is a tendency of us laughing and relating to each other as a way to cope. However, I would say that in the last 4 years or so I have encountered a lot of pages where desi people unpack and discuss the issues in our communities in podcasts or desi people who work in mental health creating posts about how to deal with our specific issues. There is this analytical and sometimes clinical way of going about it. And, that isn't really surprising because a lot of the people having these conversations in a serious light are in their late 20s and older and as a result have little resemblance to say... the 17 year old theater kid who thinks they have the answers to all of life's questions because they read Hegel. The only example I could think of where a brown person has made their pain into something poetic is Rupi Kaur. And it wasn't that long until people started making memes from her content either (most of these weren't malicious or racially motivated rather they were pretty lighthearted and actually funny in some cases). The other thing that doesn't make sense to me when it comes to white angst is the whole concept of the rebel without a cause. Isn't that just acting out because you need help for whatever reason but you aren't getting said help because the adults would rather invalidate your experiences and write off your neurosis to *crazy hormones*? Or more simply put, isn't it just searching for trouble by often doing dumb and reckless things because of unresolved issues? The angstiest people of color I knew who were outspoken about their emotions and felt the need to rebel had a cause, multiple causes even. I don't understand how some people can be a rebel without a cause when there is so much out there that needs to be fought for. I suppose that when there is so much to be fought for that you don't have the time or energy to beautifully poetic, and delicately vulnerable in your pain. I think the most blatant example of this is the strong black woman trope. And when it comes to poor and marginalized communities, especially when it comes to people of color in developing countries, you don't have the time or luxury to sit down, contemplate, and make something beautiful with how you philosophize your struggle. You're lucky if your voice gets heard at all due to the way we prioritize narratives. You don't get the trope of the sexy rebel or the bad boy/girl either because people of color are already criminalized and because we simply don't have the same margin of error to act out without a cause. Then you have Lana Del Rey, basically the og queen of sad white girls. I did talk about how and why I was drawn to her music despite often not relating to the subject matter she sings about and I think it's relevant to this post as well: And speaking of having the time, the energy, and the lee way, there is this part of me that is incredibly straight laced and careful even when I'm angsty and done with life. I have so much generational trauma that I would rather sit down and really think through my actions before making a move than accidentally do something stupid which would result in more trauma for me to clean up later. I already have the problems my ancestors passed on, I don't need to go out and search for any more problems either by doing something reckless or mindfucking myself into oblivion by trying to decipher the unintelligible words of some old white man who had way too much time on his hands a 150+ years ago. It reminds me of this quote from Contrapoints:

@Illusory Self I don't see anything wrong with doing them for a short term basis with therapy because a lot of people really do hit some difficult times. In many cases, adding medication can be beneficial to the therapeautic process because it can help you calm down and settle your thoughts down so you can work through things more efficiently. Sometimes, not taking meds during therapy can be the equivalent of a nurse trying to heal someone in a battlefield. It makes more sense to take that person to a calm, safe place to effectively treat them in this analogy and it's a similar case to introducing meds vs helping someone when they are all over the place without meds. However, I also think that it's important to not get dependent on them because it takes a while to wean off of them and because it's important to know how to self regulate and address any underlying issue instead of using a pill for a quick fix. Medication is a temporary thing to get you started on the path of addressing your issues imo.

Ok so I went even further back to my writing from when I was about 16-19. And I will say that there was some cringe for the most part I was pleasantly surprised. The Bad: When it comes to the cringe, I would say a lot of it came from a place of inauthenticity. There were things that I wrote during that time period that was clearly just me trying to be deep and trying to twist my words in a way that would be more desirable and artistic instead of settling for my natural voice in writing. There was also this one thing that I wrote which was a conversation me and this guy. He was an acquaintance of mine and we were talking about our views on love and relationships. At that time I thought this conversation was super deep and insightful so I wrote this down....... We were both some pretentious mf......... Absolutely insufferable Also to add to burn, in retrospect, while at the time it felt like a nuanced conversation, it didn't stand the test of time. This guy's point of view of relationships, though it sounded reasonable (a little cringe and cliche but still reasonable), didn't pan out that way and he has since went off the rails. Sure, my end of the conversation wasn't exactly a nuanced take and was short sided, but I didn't end up with a dumpster fire of a life by sticking to my instincts. The other cringe aspect that jumped out to me was what I generally found funny/entertaining. Maybe cringe isn't the right word but it was clear that I was a child when I wrote this stuff. A mature child sure, but a child nonetheless. The Good: Which brings me to why I was pleasantly surprised. I went into looking at my writing searching for things that were incredibly angsty and short sided. But instead, I found things that were pretty well thought out and actually made sense. Sure, some of my insights were a little half baked looking back, but that more so had to do with the lack of life experience I had at the time rather than a deficiency of critical thinking. Based on what I remember at the time I was writing those entries, I was writing a lot from contemplation and ideas I had throughout the day rather than things rooted in my experiences and the things that I have studied in school or independently. I was shocked as far as my quality of writing goes. The writing I did back then I would say required more effort for the same quality. For instance, me writing 3-4 pages for a personal entry would have taken me forever. Now, it takes me maybe an hour tops. I think it also goes to show how easily I connect to my emotions and how aware I am of my thoughts. I think back then, taking effort and time into account, I would essentially have to dig through more thoughts to bring up to the surface for an entry than I do now. Back then, these thoughts, feelings, and insights were much further below the surface and took longer to retrieve and express. I believe now it's easier because of the amount of contemplation and therapy I have done to heighten my self awareness. I was also much more succinct in my writing. I think a lot of it does have to do with again, not having as much to say because I have not digged inside my psyche as much. I would say that my writing now is much longer but is more detailed and is more thorough when I do cover a topic of my choice. I would say that it's clear that I come from a more informed place, both in terms of education and life experience. (also, I'm aware that me talking about *life experience* is still rather limited now but mind you there is normally a big jump between 16 and 22 as there should be). Finally, as far as angst goes, I wasn't really angsty back then. I was dealing with a lot with little resources and I had very valid problems that I had to work through (and that I did work through in time). I feel like this further reinforces the idea that I have on how it's important to treat children and teenagers like rational beings instead of invalidating their emotions and experiences either by saying that their issues are trivial and they are too young to understand, or to write off clear warning signs of mental health issues as being hormonal and crazy. The Weird: Because I have maintained a similar voice, style, and quality to my writing, there is a part of me that feels frozen in time in the way that a lot of things didn't fundamentally change rather they simply changed theoretically if that makes sense. I think this also mirrors my perception of my body image to a certain extent where I haven't changed much physically since I was 16. I feel like the main things that changed appearance wise for me between 16 and 22 is how I dress and do my hair. If you take that factor out and made me look at pictures from back then and now, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I know people who look back at old pictures from 7 ish years ago and it's like *aww I was such a cute kid and I was so squishy looking.* And honestly, I can't relate. I guess part of me understands why I used to get confused for someone older as a kid. Looking back at my old writing feels like the same phenomenon on a different medium. My writing very clearly feels like something I wrote as a kid because I knew the context for it but at the same time it presents the same as my writing right now. I guess the way that my writing feels parallels with how I used to dress back then while the way that my writing presents parallels with how I have nevertheless have looked the same all these years. Overall, whether I'm focusing on the bad, the good, or the weird, I find it satisfying to look back at my old writing to see exactly how my understanding of the world and myself has evolved. It feels like I'm watching the gradual progression of my frontal lobe forming. And I love that for me.

Femininity YouTube Channels Pt. 2 I got tired of writing last night and also the post was getting too long so I decided that I was going to split this off into 2(?) parts Rabbit hole #4: The Divine Feminine It wasn't long after finding the other few rabbit holes that I also fell into the spiritual side of things as well. It was the perfect overlap between the two different content categories I was consuming. Honestly, I don't feel like I really need to get into what the divine feminine is and how it manifests since this is a spirituality forum and people around here are aware of the hippy dippy side of things. Instead, I'm going to go into some creators I found that I really benefit from. I have talked about both Isabel Palacios and Leeor Alexandra in previous journal entries and while I don't actively consume their content anymore (aint nothing wrong, I'm just exploring different corners of the internet) I do sometimes gravitate back because they have really positive energy imo. And sometimes, you need that energy and you need a nice reminder to have a positive self image, to honor your needs an boundaries, express yourself and your emotions, and carry yourself in a way where you value yourself and don't settle for less than what you deserve. Just in general, I noticed that a lot of spirituality channels that really talk about femininity often talk about the necessity of slowing down, taking care of yourself, and healing from different issues. I mean, I know people here are pretty familiar with Teal Swan and her content but I did find a lot of her videos on femininity to be insightful. I really found her video on periods interesting. That video mainly talked about how you should honor that time of the month and take that time as a sign to slow down, reflect, work through things, and take care of yourself. She's definitely not the only one talking about this and how a woman's energy levels fluctuate with her cycle and how it is unrealistic and unsustainable to expect people, especially women to always be putting in a 100% all the time. I do think that the general consensus among women is how the time of the month is horrible and they are in resistance towards it (and understandably so), but I think there is something to be said about working with yourself and making the time it's own occasion with a set of self care rituals instead of working against yourself and expecting yourself to just push through this and get it over with. Do I think you need to make it a whole thing and bring things like crystals, divine feminine paintings, and shadow work into it? I mean if that's your thing, go for it. For me, it's more along the lines of being cozy, taking a hot shower, and lighting a few candles. I've basically tried to introduce things that would make that time of the month something to look forward to. And I think that has improved the relationship that I have with my body as well as my mental health during this time because I associate it with things that I like instead of only associating it with pain.

Femininity YouTube Channels Lately on TikTok I have been encountering a lot of people who talk about feminism talk about femininity channels and more specifically black femininity channels. A lot of the main critiques are on how femininity is becoming a performance, how adhering to traditional gender roles just to be respected isn't liberating because you deserve to be respected regardless of how you express yourself as a woman, and how this further reinforce the limitations that women have when it comes to authentic self expression. And these things have even more layers and baggage attached to it when you take into consideration the role of white supremacy and the way that women of color, specifically black women, have had their femininity come into questioned as a way to further oppress them historically. I don't disagree with these at all and I think these are very valid points. However, I wouldn't say that this was my experience entirely and I want to talk about that more. I would say that I have gained a lot from watching femininity related content but I did encounter a lot of bs along the way as well. My "feminine journey" if you will (god that sounds kind of cringe lol) started when I was about 15 or so. Up until then I was a huge tomboy mainly because when I was a kid, the whole "I'm not like other girls (NLOG)" phenomenon was presented as empowering because you were getting away from traditional gender roles when really there was a lot of toxicity around that mindset that people didn't start unpacking until later (I stg the NLOG trope was everywhere in the late 90s and early 2000s). I also had a mother who painted things that were traditionally feminine like doing your hair and makeup, liking the color pink, getting dressed up as something that was all about pleasing men and would go on about how people who engaged in such things were superficial and dumb (including men who embraced their femininity, she often makes fun of guys who even look feminine tbh). I realized that I had a lot of internalized misogyny in me and that also was impacting relationships I had with other women at the time. This was especially important because I started going to a high school that was 2/3 female. For me, exploring my femininity meant that I was going to get outside of my comfort zone as far as my gender expression went to explore a side of myself I didn't always embrace. It also meant dismantling my internalized misogyny. It really just started with me growing out my hair and trying to figure out how to dress in a way that I wanted to express myself as. I also started to wear wedges and heels on a regular basis because it made me feel really good and confident (that's a whole nother topic lol). In addition to my self expression, I also started noticing on how I was raised by both of my parents to be emotionally unavailable, how I dismissed emotions and intuition and didn't see the rationality in them, and how traits that are associated with femininity like being vulnerable and soft were seen as a weakness. I started noticing on how that was really toxic for me and that's where a lot of the inner work began for me. And then I started getting exposed to the whole spiritual side of things regarding the divine feminine. I would say that YouTube did play a role in the way all of this was unfolding particularly starting from when I was 17/18 or so. It was definitely the place where I was getting ideas and content and it led me down many different rabbit holes, some bad, some absolutely awful, and some actually pretty good. Rabbit hole #1: Alt Right Trad Wife Pipeline. I initially started out with Anna Bey's channel. I just noticed a lot of her old videos are private/deleted but basically I gravitated towards her because I liked her outlook on fashion in the way that in a lot of her videos talked about buying things with quality materials, how to know whether or not clothes fit you right, etc. Her videos are rather click baity for my tastes, but I remember binging her content for a couple of weeks out of morbid curiosity regarding how to be bougie. She does come off as rather judgmental at times but tbh it feels more entertaining imo (again, it's probably the morbid curiosity talking). Tiffany Ferg recently made an insightful video on the whole "looking expensive" trend that really articulated my thoughts on this subject really well. While I highly doubt I "look expensive" I will say that this side of YouTube has really helped me look put together to where a lot of people assume I have my life together. But next thing I know I was getting recommended with trad wife content. I would say the most notable would be Mrs. Midwest's content. I binged her content for a couple of days out of morbid curiosity because it seemed like a mess. And I think on some level it was really educational, not in a *this is the type of femininity I want to implement* rather it was along the lines of *this is what femininity looks like under white supremacy, Christianity and Eurocentric standards.* It was an interesting case study to say the least and I would even say that it helped understand where a lot of conservative white women were coming from and this helped me deal with some people in my really white, conservative university. Also, while I was trying to find my own sense of femininity that I did encounter quite a few really stage blue channels that were approaching femininity in unhealthy ways. And I would say that after watching some of these videos and critiques of these videos that I got much better at knowing what red flags there are that I need to look out for. It also helped catch when the algorithm was about to point me in weird directions as well and I think that's a good skill to have regardless of what you're looking into because it enhances media literacy Rabbit hole #2: Hypergamy This mainly consisted of a bunch of really small channels at the time (think less than a 100k) and I kept getting recommended these videos. It was really shady to say the least, basically the female equivalent to pick up. I want to emphasize that and how small a lot of these communities were before the incels get over hear and have shit to say. These sources really felt like they were painting this caricature of men and reinforcing as well as normalizing a lot of toxic behaviors on both sides. And just as a general rule of thumb when it comes to videos on femininity/masculinity and dating advice, regardless of who the target audience is, if the source in question is having this *men are from Mars, women are from Venus* mindset where they paint the sexes almost like different species along stereotypes and/or the source in question has a very low consciousness definition of what it means to be a "high value man" or "high value woman" RUN! A lot of these sources aren't going to give you good insight towards human behavior as a whole and if they do have something insightful to say, it's going to be wrapped with a lot of bs that you're going to have to carefully weed through. I talked about some of this before in a thread I started about understanding pick up a while back: Rabbit hole #3: Black Femininity YouTube When I started being more mindful of the white supremacy that was hidden in femininity content, YouTube started giving me a lot of content from black creators. I would say from my observations, that a huge portion of femininity content on YouTube in general is geared toward black women in mind as the targeted audience. I thought this was a very interesting phenomenon. Before I get into this, I just want to say that even though I am a woman of color, there is only so much I can understand about femininity in black communities because I lack direct experience. So as a result, I have these observations in these videos I was watching and I knew some context given how I have tried educate myself, however I lack sufficient amounts of personal experience to really have an insightful take. I found this to be a mixed bag given the content my algorithm pushed. I found some sources that were vaguely racist and that would really pick at some insecurities I know are present in women of color (especially black women) in their communities. Some examples would include talking about how some women are too loud and how really long acrylic nails are unfeminine. While these things by themselves don't seem like much, when you look at the context, there is a racial undertone that is there. I found these video critiques to be really valid At the same time, there were also other sources that came in with the mindset of how femininity needs to be redefined by women of color, how there were many different ways of embracing your femininity, and how women of color need to reclaim their femininity in the face of a system that doesn't take their femininity seriously and expects them to embody this archetype of the "strong black women" instead of allowing the expression of hurt and vulnerability. It's about setting boundaries with yourself and others, not settling for subpar romantic and platonic relationships, allowing yourself to ask for help, and reclaim the softness that you were discouraged from embracing because it seemed to threatening. I used to really binge Asha Christina's content. I think for most people it's a good foundation regarding defining and exerting your boundaries/standards, assuring that you stay / seek out respectful situations, knowing when to walk away from situations that don't serve you, and not making excuses for people. I have since stopped consuming her content because I found myself outgrowing it because even though her content is a really good foundation for people who are generally clueless when it comes to dating, it can be rather rigid tbh. Overall, a lot of healthy orange with the general limitations of orange. I really like The Feminine Fancy's content as well. I find her personality to be really refreshing and I love how insightful she is about a variety of topics that I feel are things that a lot of people that deal with but from a more feminine lens. To me, she has a really good balance with content that is fun like fashion and design but also really perceptive when it comes to talking about things people deal with in their 20s. Overall, I like her content because I really like her energy. Finally, there is Karine Aloude. When I first found her content, I thought that she had a really diverse idea of femininity. I discovered her through her femininity around the world series where she talked about how femininity shows up in different parts of the world, issues that women have to deal with internationally, and different perspectives on femininity by looking at different traditions. However, she has since taken down that series mainly because she was trying to do a video on South Africa and things started getting messy as far as different perspectives and the political conflicts in that area. And while her content was never problematic, she did come out and say that there is only so much she can know by talking to people and studying without direct experience. She also does analysis on people and characters where she looks at how their femininity shows up in a very individual and personal way as well as lessons her viewers can take to develop a healthier relationship to their femininity. Overall, I love how she doesn't paint femininity in a broad stroke with a lot of hard and fast rules.

The Soulmate AU I wrote a post about Coffee Shop AUs in fanfiction and how that relates to the way that I view my romantic life. I also keep running into these posts on tiktok where people joke about how your favorite fanfiction growing up trope says something about yourself. Some common romantic tropes include enemies to lovers, childhood friends, coffee shops, and the accidentally sharing a bed awkwardly that eventually turns into waking up into each others arms trope. The soulmate trope usually along the lines of when you finally meet the one you finally start aging or seeing in color, or you have a certain mark on your body and your soulmate also has the same mark, or you're given some kind of count down until you meet your soulmate etc. And I know these people are joking but sometimes tiktok has this thing where the algorithm knows me too well to where I'm just left feeling personally called out. A lot of the people who would joke about the soulmate AU talk about how people who had this trope as their favorite growing up probably thought that people would never love them unless there was some type of divine intervention that would make things like this fated. It's that and needing a sense of predictability in their love lives as an indication of knowing when they have met someone who they have a healthy relationship with. And I think that checks as someone who has a hard time imagining people seeing me in a desirable light and prioritizing me romantically as well as someone who didn't grow up with a good representation of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. I also think my attraction to this trope when I was 12 foreshadowed the way that I currently use astrology and tarot as a coping mechanism since I have no idea where my life is currently going. Also, this is a tangent but currently I'm sitting in a coffee shop in my home town because I went back home during Thanksgiving. The place where this coffee shop is located is in the historic district of this small down and currently it's all decorated for Christmas. I lowkey feel like I'm in a Hallmark movie where you have a female protagonist who lives in the city, who has come back to their small town for the holidays and who eventually is just hanging out in town when they meet a guy they like (who is probably a childhood friend and/or someone the main character hates initially) and who makes them slow down in life and appreciate the small things.

My View of Long Term Goals I wrote this in my post about why I am drawn to astrology and tarot and how that relates to my self development journey as well as my growing impatience with long term goals: I feel like the delays I have come across with reaching my goals has resulted in me not being phased by taking 3+ years in achieving a goal. I would also add the delays with my college experience and how the environment has made it feel like it dragged on even longer has also contributed to this as well. I think me actively and consistently working towards long term goals have made them seem much less intimidating and there is a part of me that is ok with delayed gratification (granted that they are simply delayed and I know they are coming rather than they are delayed for an unnecessary amount of time). I would also say that as someone who is probably going to graduate college in the next year or so, that there is an appeal of having the next 4-10 years of your life mapped out. I wrote about this in another post in this journal not too long ago: And I guess I'm writing about this because I find this shift to be really interesting. I remember not to long ago when I was 18 or so (or just in general in high school) that I would look at people who are doing grad school or just in school for a long period of time and thinking *how tf do you just stick to that and why??? Like don't you want to start your life and just get school over with????* I remember feeling so much resistance to this idea because in my mind it seemed so grueling but now the dynamic flipped to where this almost feels like the path of least resistance. While I do think that viewing this as the path of least resistance can come from a place of dysfunction where you don't want to deal with uncertainty in your life and want to follow a predetermined path of sorts, I think it's also coming from a healthy place where I'm more comfortable with setting long term goals for myself and following through because I see the benefits of long term goals. I can more easily recognize the importance of how quality long term goals can help you develop a sturdy foundation and structure in your life, how it can guide your values and decision making, how it can give you a sense of meaning, as well as how consistently working on something in a constructive way can give tangible results. I also don't want this post to be me shitting on my past self either. Because it makes sense as to why she would think this way. Asking my 16 year old self to envision working towards a goal like med school for 8 years or imagining my 24 year old self is the equivalent of asking me right now what I'm going to be doing with my life in my mid 30's. It's like half a life time away. I also feel like developmental power dynamics also play a role in this where the distance between 16 and 24 seem much greater than say 21 and 28 even though with the later gap, that's still a significant difference. Like me thinking about my late 20s doesn't seem as scary or unthinkable so long as I don't factor in things like kids and marriage into the picture (which I have decided since a long ass time ago that I wasn't going to worry about until I'm in my 30s). And I think it's easier for me to not factor in those things when I think about my late 20s because we're currently living in a time where the average age of getting married and having kids have gone up within a generation. Instead, I'm trying to think of other long term goals and the idea of starting something now, being consistent at it, and ending up with something pretty damn impressive in 6-10 ish years doesn't seem all that outlandish or intimidating. So basically, I think this mindset is a product of holding long term goals, growing up and having my perception of time change, dealing with a lot of delays in my life and learning to deal with it, and a result of where I'm currently at with my life.

@lxlichael glad it helped

I found a really good video about hypersexuality that I thought would be perfect for this journal. I have journaled about this topic in the past and I don't have much experience with this topic but nevertheless find in interesting and I think it's really important to be educated about:

Really liked this video. It's something that resonates with me now and that I can see resonating with me more in the future.

I normally opt for women of color or other Asian women so I don't have to spend too much time explaining what it's like growing up with immigrant parents and dealing with systemic issues. I usually look for someone who is action oriented and who has a more structured approach to therapy (i.e. having tasks to do between sessions, clearly defined goals, checking in at the end of the session to make sure things are going good etc.), lets me vent, and is reassuring/ supportive.

Cringing at Yourself in Your Formative Years So lately I've been really looking at some of my past journal entries (both on here and offline), past interactions on this forum, as well as reflecting on how I've grown as a person in the last 2 years or so. While some feelings of cringe inevitably came up, I started also thinking about the frequency and intensity I feel cringe when I reflect back. I have done this thing before where I look at the last 2 years of growth and I noticed that as the years go on, I look back and cringe less frequently and less intensely. I think a few factors come to mind: Becoming more of a polished version of myself as time goes on More integration = less shame The frontal lobe is forming / developmental life stages (not necessarily SD or Cook-Greuter but just people maturing through life in general) Becoming the Polished Version of Myself: I took some notes on the book Cringeworthy a few months ago and I found some parts of the book and my notes applicable to my post today. I think as time goes on I'm becoming a more polished version of myself and as a result I'm not having as many cringe moments. That's not to say that I'm not a work in progress, I most definitely am, but I think my growth falls under an exponential curve in a sense. Like the difference between 14 year old me and 16 year old me felt incredibly cringe inducing back when I was 16. But this doesn't feel as bad as thinking back to my 20 year old self at 22. I wouldn't say that I grew more between 14 and 16 than 20 and 22 (if anything I would say it's the opposite), but I feel like back then simply because I had more things to smooth over, it felt more like an exponential difference. I haven't been cringing at my posts too hard but I do look at some of my posts that felt like a break through back then and it feels like common sense now mainly because I had time to integrate what I learned. That said, to be completely honest, there is a part of me that feels like I'm going to look at my posts on here at 25 and have a massive cringe attack. As far as my writing goes, I feel like this is my Lizzy Grant trailer park era. Just to give a background to this reference, Lana Del Rey has a huge amount of unreleased music out there because someone leaked her personal files. Much of the unreleased music was made before she got big or even earlier when she was still in her experimental phase where she was figuring out her style and tone of music. The work is definitely rough around the edges and also is a reflection of how back then she wasn't as put together as she is now (the subject of her music back then was more chaotic and likely reflected the trauma in her life at the time, hence "trailer park era"). Nevertheless, people still like her work and she was rather prolific in this time. However, I'm pretty sure she feels violated and has a huge dose of cringe since this was leaked without her consent and was likely incredibly personal. I'm not saying I'm going to be big in terms of writing but I do see my writing as rather rough, unpolished, personal, and frequent. I'm also pretty sure that I'm going to be at a much more stable place later on when I look back and even though my writing isn't cringe inducing, it might be still cringe for me personally. I don't know, only time will tell. More Integration = Less Shame I feel like since 2020 I have done a lot of work regarding my shadow with perfectionism and competence. And I noticed a drastic reduction on me cringing in my daily life, searching up cringe content, and over all being judgmental towards others. I think letting go of a lot of the issues I have around perfectionism and competence has helped me not hyperfocus on myself and not split myself up into what I am now and who I'm expecting myself to be. Also, I tend to find myself to be more accepting towards past mistakes as well as being more forgiving, and as a result I'm cringing less. The Frontal Lobe Forming / Developmental Stages First of all, your frontal lobe usually finishes forming at around 25 and your formative years are often described as the time when you grow and mature a lot between about 15-25. This is similar to the first point I talked about. I would expand on it by also discussing age gaps in relationships. I know I've said this a lot in other threads but just in general, the age gap on paper isn't what matter so much as the life stages of the individuals. An 18 year old dating a 22 year old is hella weird but someone at 28 dating a 32 year old isn't. That's because there is so much growing up you do between 18 and 22 through your life experiences and your frontal lobe developing. You move through more developmental changes and your life circumstances change a lot during that time. At 18, you're in high school, living with your parents, and you're applying to colleges. At 22, it's likely that you're about to graduate college and you're thinking about your future career and you're living more independently or you might be living away from home. However, by the time you're 28/32, it doesn't have as much of a power imbalance because both parties are settled into their lives and are fully formed adults. I feel like the cringe response I get when I think of my past self is kind of like observing the power imbalance between my present self and past self. I also have a litmus test when it comes to dating where if say for example I'm looking to date someone 5 years older than me, I would ask myself *would 22 year old me want to date 17 year old me without it being awkward and cringy?* And if the answer is *yes that would be awkward and cringy* I know that power imbalance for that relationship would be too much and that it wouldn't be healthy to pursue. While I mentioned in the first point on how I feel like I'm going to cringe at myself at 25 or so real hard, I also feel that reflecting on the growing I do after my frontal lobe is formed (say being 28 and thinking back to my 26 year old self) is going to be minimally cringe inducing compared to when I'm smack in the middle of my formative years (say being 20 and thinking about your 18 year old self).

Aint nothing wrong with either so long as people are going about it in a conscious, self aware way where they know what their intentions are, they can communicate it effectively, and their intentions are coming from a healthy place. You can do either from a healthy or unhealthy place Healthy casual sex: exploration of your sexuality, learning about different sides of yourself and what you like etc. Healthy relationships: being with someone who you trust and who respects you, you and your partner(s) are being proactive on self development, good communication etc. Unhealthy casual sex: Sex as self-harm, hypersexuality due to sexual trauma, constantly needing validation, lying to pump and dump etc. Unhealthy relationships: codependency, getting into relationships because of external pressures (time, family, culture etc.), serial monogamy etc. Wrote somethings about my thoughts on casual sex in my journal: Basically, there is no one size fits all. Just exercise some self awareness and reflect on what you want and need and you'll be fine. Also, it's important to keep in mind that your needs and desires can change over time depending on your stage of life.

Or you could also make the argument that women are also likely to polygamous and be ok with causal sex because back then the odds of your child dying as an infant were so high that you needed to be getting laid regularly and with multiple partners to have a wide range of genetic content to ensure the survival of the child.

No, this is the best way to ensure that you don't waste your time or her time while being clear and honest with your intentions. If anything, a person being upfront with their intentions, even if it doesn't align with yours, is a green flag. This isn't even the "what are we" conversation because if you're on a first date, you don't know each other yet and there is no commitment whatsoever. It's more along the lines of "do we have the same goals" conversation. And yes, you are risking rejection but if a girl is genuinely down for that dynamic, she will appreciate you being upfront about it and you don't have to manipulate her into this dynamic because she actually wants to be there. If she wants a relationship and that's not what you're looking for, that's perfectly fine. Keep it moving and find someone else who aligns with what you want. Yes this is bitterness and no don't act it out. It will feed the bitterness.

Yes. Everyone needs to know what they are getting into in order to consent to the situation and not be emotionally manipulated/taken advantage off. Asking someone what they are looking for is a pretty standard question to ask on a first date. It's also not a good idea to drag something on if yall aren't on the same page. But you think that going to parties you don't enjoy to have a bunch of one night stands is going to help? That's literally how fwb works. It's fine if you don't have sex with them. Like you said, you'll still be able to practice other aspects.

You can make it known in situations like these that you're just looking for a fwb. And there ya go, it's ethical.

Yeah. Sex is one way to connect if you wish to use it in that way. Also, oxytocin, the bonding chemicals, is something that men deal with too. But for some reason whenever the psychological/biological argument comes up, this argument is almost always used for women only. So, if men are able to feel the effects of oxytocin and still do things casually, I don't see why women wouldn't be able to either. Granted, the effects vary from individual person to individual but I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we need to get rid of the whole binary of *men are hard wired for casual sex* vs *women are hard wired for relationships.* Because that shit is an over simplification and can result in a lot of fucked up thinking. I talk about this more in one of my journal posts:

100% agree. Women are just as capable of having no strings attached sex. Having sex with her doesn't gurantee that she's going to be in a relationship with you and same goes for guys as well. That's one of the many reasons why the whole "there is no relationship without sex" gets on my nerves.

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: Date Your Best Friend I have a friend who is currently engaged to a guy she's been dating for almost 5 years now. I've also met her now fiancé on a few occasions and from what I get from both of them is that they are both very stable, grounded, consistent, and put together people. Normally, I would have objections to getting married so young but knowing them, I have more of a leeway because if anyone in my life could pull this sort of thing off, it's probably them. My only concern is perhaps logistical stuff when it comes to what they want from life and say if things change in a few years regarding priorities and that causes issues. But as far as their relationship and dynamic goes, it's very healthy and loving. But from what I've seen in my life, a healthy and loving relationship isn't enough for something like marriage. It's the bare minimum and there is so many other things that goes into it as well. When I first started dating initially, she was pretty supportive and she was a nice sanity check for the experiences I was having. She would tell me over and over on how it's important to have that foundation of friendship and be genuinely comfortable around each other and not play games, how yall should be a part of each other's lives but not the whole of it, similar to how you deal with your friends. It was a way of helping me calm down before dates and not over think things but at the same time not write off any red flags (because if you wouldn't tolerate something with a friend, why tf would you tolerate the same thing with a significant other). She would often describe on how being in a relationship with this guy doesn't feel all that different from when they were friends with the exception that they are more physical with each other. Just as a little background, she and this guy met when they were kids. He had a crush on her when they were 12 or so but she rejected him. He moved on emotionally and never got really weird and needy because he had his own life. A few years passed and they continued being friends. They both dated other people and even got into other relationships. By the time they were 17, the feelings were mutual and they started dating. And now they are engaged. Basically, when I think about this situation as well as the relationships I built with my friends above, I feel like relationships are work in the sense of you need to put yourself out there, figure out how to make time with each other, and follow up with it to nurture that connection, but it isn't work in the sense that you have to do this dance in order to get them to like you. Keeping a conversation going and getting to know a person shouldn't be this thing where you're like *oh shit, what do I say next, I don't want to make things weird.* That is, if you actually click with this person. I would also characterize attraction as both something that can build over time and that can be instantaneous. Again, it's kind of how I described clicking with someone in the previous post. At the same time, I wouldn't always bank on slow burn attraction building mainly because it's important to have your own life and I feel like this can fuel the whole "nice guy" phenomenon where guys get weirdly obsessed with a girl and tries to befriend her with ulterior motives (like please, have a life, it doesn't even have to be pertain to your romantic life, just have other things going on). But at the same time, I wouldn't write this off either because sometimes when we hyper focus on instantaneous attraction, we are prioritizing what our emotional pain bodies are saying and gravitate towards a high someone gives us instead of something that is stable and sustainable. I know this probably doesn't help because of how it isn't blatantly tangible but when it comes to discerning a connection and discerning healthy dynamics has to do with familiarity to those dynamics. The best way I would describe it is that it's comparing a cocaine high to eudemonic high you get after working out or eating healthy. The first is this exciting rush with these dramatic highs and lows. The second situation, you do feel good in the moment and it might or might not click immediately, but as time moves on you build that momentum because it isn't something that happens overnight. I guess my biggest issue with cold approaching vs building something via social circle. I feel like pick up can take advantage of the volatility of the emotional highs and lows to build something on the spot (since there is no initial foundation) which then can often lead to dysfunction on both sides (because a lot of messed up people use emotional highs and lows to get someone addicted). Because from my experience, attraction that has a good foundation is attraction that is sustained for a longer period of time (I'm planning a separate post on that). I think another good quote to sum things up is this:

As long as you can make her cum a few times, I think you'll be good. And you don't even need a dick to do that much less a large one. Also, I never said that women wouldn't sleep with men knowing their size. I was saying that women won't sleep with men who act like their dick size is part of their personality and that it's something they need to insert into a conversation.,

There is a difference between being masculine and feminine, and between being sexually attracted to a woman or a man body. People think there is no difference and conflate the two, don't make that mistake. I think this pretty much sums up how heteronormative and limited yalls explanation of human behavior and attraction is especially on this forum.