soos_mite_ah

Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking Ok so the last post I made turned out to be much longer than what I anticipated and turns out I have much more to say about this than what I originally thought. I have talked a lot on how autism isn't something that needs to be cured rather we need to support autistic people in a world that doesn't do a good job at accommodating them and educate people on how to better deal with people with autism in a just and fair way that doesn't dehumanize them. I also want to underscore that while things like autism and ADHD are disabilities since by definition it means you aren't going to be able to do somethings, that doesn't automatically mean that they are mental disorders. That's why I like the term neurodivergent. It means that you mind might function differently than the vast majority of people but that doesn't automatically mean that it's a disorder or that something is wrong with you. Again, think of it like being left handed. I have also talked at length about socialization and how that can cause vastly different outcomes when it comes to how autism manifests. And with that being said, I want to talk about my roommate and my experiences with them (they are nonbinary but they are AFAB). One of the things they have talked about with me regarding autism is how both their mom and their older sister also have autism. As a result, since they do have one parent who has the same condition, they were given a sense of patience and empathy and consequently was raised in a way that ensured that they had the coping skills needed to deal with autism and the things it can come with. That doesn't make them any less autistic though. In fact, they check off most of the symptoms of autism that are commonly present for women with autism. Rather they have a sense of awareness of what additional needs they might have due to their disability and how to communicate and go about getting those needs met in a healthy way. From what I've gathered anyway, the way they were raised implies that their condition wasn't something that was shamed rather their parents had to double down in teaching them and their sister emotional regulation and awareness and teach these skills in a way that was more gentle and more patient than you would with a neurotypical child. Though there is some issues with miscommunication that I have encountered with my roommate, for the most part those issues were easily dealt with and it's rare for me to feel like I'm not getting a sense of empathy from them. I also feel like I learned a lot on neurodivergence after talking to my roommate. While I highly doubt that I'm autistic, I do have ADHD and for the longest time until recently, I thought that mainly impacted my ability to work and do school work and occasionally it would dip into my social life because of the way that I tend to talk. One of the big things I learned was how neurodivergence really seeps into so many facets of socializing. As a result, intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of neurodivergent people resort to masking which is when they try to copy neurotypicals to be more like them to avoid the stigmas that are associated with their condition. There is a lot of subtle things that goes into masking and I found myself resonating with a lot of them and suddenly a lot of things started to make more sense. For the longest time growing up I got the message from my parents and my peers that there is something wrong with me. I did get picked on quite a bit when I was in elementary school and by the time I got to middle school and high school, I became really careful on how I interacted with other people to avoid bullying. I avoided conflict effectively but even though I was considered fairly well liked and I generally got along with most people, there was something off about me, something that prevented me from getting close to a lot of people and that prevented me from being seen cool and socially accepted (superficial I know but this becomes more relevant later on) and as a result I thought there was something wrong with me socially. I was always labeled as "the weird kid" which I coped with finding other similar weirdos to hang out with. Well turns out a lot of neurodivergent women have the exact same experience. I don't know to what extent this is true but aparently 8-10 year old neurotypical girls are usually really good at detecting when another child is neurodivergent. They certainly won't come out and say it because I mean... what 10 year old is well versed in things like autism and ADHD, especially if they have never experienced it. But it usually presents itself in those girls picking on other kids, bullying them for their mannerisms, excluding them, and giving them the silent treatment because those girls see neurodivergent kids as weird. This causes neurodivergent kids, especially girls, to start masking really early on and internalize this notion of "there is something inherently wrong with me." Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with those kids rather there is a lack of education on how to deal with these issues. This lack of education can become incredibly problematic when the teachers themselves aren't well versed on how to handle these types of situations with bullying. Something that is apparently really common and that often goes into part of training for teachers is that when situations like these arise, there is this notion that if you place the rowdy kid next to the quieter, usually neurodivergent kid, that the rowdy kid will be influenced by the quieter, more studious kid and they will calm down. When in reality, from my personal experience as the quiet neurodivergent kid that was often paired up with the more rambunctious kids, it didn't do anything but open me up to more torment and additional annoyances from people who basically hated me. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that often times even the ways that the adults try to deal with these issues with bullying and mistreatment for neurodivergent kids often results in the issues getting worse. Going back to this whole notion that there is something inherently wrong with me, that is a limiting belief that I have been trying to unpack for a good minute. I always knew that this notion came from a lot of the bullying in school as well as the abuse I got from my parents growing up but this whole lens of neurodivergence adds an additional layer of understanding to this limiting belief. And it got me thinking, exactly how much do I mask and how much of the way I interact with people is part of a performance for the sake of acceptance? I know I went through a whole phase on trying to be this social butterfly when I simply wasn't and how I didn't have the best measures for what it means to be socially competent due to misconceptions in society. As a result, I know how to present this very well crafted, confident, funny and charismatic version of myself to the point where it feels very natural for me. And I'm not saying that this version of myself isn't authentic rather sometimes I feel like I tend to cling on to this more socially acceptable version of myself while disowning things that might make me look off in the eyes of a lot of people. I mean, I have been masking for years, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm pretty good at it at this point. Apparently when it comes to masking, while one of the symptoms of things like autism and ADHD is that you don't always pick up on social cues right away, there is also something counterintuitive on how these individuals can also become more aware about different social dynamics compared to neurotypical people. Basically, a lot of neurodivergent people get the message early on that they awkward and that there is something wrong with them and as a way to cope to get their social needs met, they can become hyper aware of their mannerisms and the mannerisms of others, and then try to mimic the norm to appear like everyone else. Not only that, they can become very socially aware and well educated on social issues because they tend to see these issues in a more big picture way since they are often looking for patterns. And a lot of these skills come from the initial desire to start masking. The main issue with masking is that it often causes neurodivergent individuals to exert a lot of extra emotional labor in their day to day functioning and often prevents them from being and accepting their authentic selves. It further reinforces this idea that there is something wrong with them. And again, being neurodivergent by definition doesn't imply that there is something inherently wrong with you rather it simply means that you are a little different in the way your head is wired. It isn't the same as having a mental disorder. Excessive masking can also lead to a lot of self hatred as well and constantly feeling like you need to act in a very specific way to be considered good enough to be worthy of love and connection. That's something that I want to unpack in another post since this post is getting rather long. If grasping this is a little difficult, I think it can be helpful in seeing this as it parallels with racism. Often times POC get othered out especially when they are in predominantly white environments. As a result, often times they start code switching and doing different behaviors to look like they are assimilating (similar to how neurodivergent people have to mask to be accepted). There is also a sense of double consciousness where they are aware of their own thoughts and emotions, but they also need to be very aware of the thoughts and emotions of other white people when it come to how they are perceived so that they aren't put into harms way (similar to how neurodivergent people often become very socially aware and observant). Finally, in the worst case scenarios, POC tend to internalize racism and begin hating themselves for not being able to fit in and they assume that there is something inherently wrong with them much like neurodivergent people do when they are excessively masking. In these circumstances, it isn't ok for people to tell POC that they need to be more like white people and you certainly won't advocate for less POC to be born or find a way to "cure" them. Instead, you give them the tools to handle these situations effectively while making moves to educate other people to create more inclusive environments and social structures. The same needs to be done for neurodivergent people.

Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism So recently, I've been getting a lot of videos in my TikTok feed about autism and neurodivergence. I also have a roommate in college who also has autism. As a result I have been finding myself getting a lot of information about this and part of me even sees myself in some of the symptoms. While I'm pretty sure that I don't have autism, I do know that I have ADHD and the symptoms of autism and ADHD do tend to overlap. I also know that there are parts of the forum that does discuss things like autism and ADHD as symptoms of heavy metal toxicity, poor diet, and an excuse for bad social skills (i.e. men are just more autistic than women and that's why socializing doesn't come as easy as it does with women). And basically, I just want to unpack all of this. I just want to start off by saying that autism effects everyone very differently. There is a range between having high support needs and having lower support needs as well as difference across genders as well. Women and people who are socialized as women (i.e. trans people and nonbinary people) tend to have things like autism and ADHD manifest differently than someone who has the same conditions and is a man or has been socialized as a man. I do understand that I have a limited perspective as I am a woman and a lot of the autistic people in my life are also women or socialized as women. First off, I want to discuss my own misconceptions of autism as well as the stereotypes I have been exposed to prior to being more educated on this. The general narrative that I have been exposed to is how autism is a horrific disease that ruins people's lives and it's very difficult to be a functioning person with autism. The two tropes I can think of in the media. First is the nonverbal autistic person who is extremely dependent on their care takers and basically acts like a child. A good example of this trope is the Sia's movie Music where you have a nonverbal autistic girl who finds solace through music. The other trope is the super brilliant but really awkward and sucks at regulating emotions autistic which is portrayed in The Good Doctor where the main character is this young super genius surgeon who gets triggered quite easily. While there are autistic people who can see themselves in these tropes, the vast majority of those with autism from what I can gather often feel very limited and stereotyped into these roles. Even in Sia's movie, the actor who was acting in the lead role as the autistic person had multiple breakdowns on set because she felt as if she was mocking the autistic community in the film. These tropes can translate into other people telling autistic people things like "oh, but you don't look autistic" or worse, treating them like children with little to no agency or critical thinking skills. There is a really good video on the analysis of Sia's movie by an autistic person who discusses how the movie is harmful to the community. And a lot of these misconceptions and stereotypes are further propagated through Autism Speaks which is basically a hate group. In a nut shell, this group wants to eradicate autism or make it so that people can detect autism in their children before they are born so they can abort those kids. That's basically eugenics. While I have no issue with abortion, if you are going to abort a kid just because they have autism or a disability, that is ableism and eugenics. This group also doesn't have any autistic people in places of authority so that autistic people can make choices for themselves, they don't do anything to educate the general public as to what autism is other than running a bunch of fear mongering ads, and there is very little money that goes to autistic people. There is also a really creepy ad of a woman talking about wanting to murder her autistic daughter WHILE THE DAUGHTER IS IN THE ROOM and how she didn't kill her daughter by driving off a bridge because she had a "normal" daughter in the car with her. There is a reason as to why I put the word normal in quote above. Firstly, that was the word was used in the ad when the lady was describing her neurotypical daughter but secondly, the word normal only makes sense given a certain context. Neurodivergent people aren't any less normal than a neurotypical person. There isn't anything inherently wrong with them, they just function in a different way and often see things from a different perspective. It isn't something that needs to be cured. Neurodivergent people are allowed to exist with their idiosyncrasies and all. They often just need additional coping mechanisms to cope with a world that wasn't built for them. It's similar to being left handed. Being left handed often comes with a lot of inconveniences because the world is mainly built for right handed people. But that doesn't mean those who are left handed are somehow broken or that there is something wrong with them. They just need extra help in some instances. And that's the problem with groups like autism speaks, they seek to erase an entire group of people because they are perceived as deficient and undesirable rather than helping that group of people function in society. Then there is the whole thing with women with autism. Autism is often stereotyped as something that happens to boys only. As a result, women and those who are socialized as women often go misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all for years which causes them to go years without any form of treatment. Not only that, a lot of the diagnostic criteria don't take sex differences in socialization into consideration. Because of that, women and those who are socialized as women (I'm just going to start saying AFAB- assigned female at birth for the sake of conciseness and AMAB- assigned male at birth) also go undiagnosed because the way autism manifests in them is different compared to the way that it manifests in men. For example, a lot of the antisocial aspects of autism often doesn't apply to AFAB people. That's because people who are socialized as women, regardless of whether or not they are autistic, are often taught the importance of empathizing with people and the importance of human connection. The same cannot be said for men regardless of whether or not they are autistic. There is also the whole trope in masculinity of the self sufficient lone wolf that is propagated which often causes men to not reach out when they need help and not talk about their emotions which then further stunts their emotional development. This developmental gap is further widened when talking about men with autism. It's also often the case where AFAB tend to seek out other people who are neurodivergent and then they all tend to be friends with one another because they can relate to one another and find acceptance in their communities. A lot of neurodivergent women, myself included since I have ADHD, tend to find their own group of weirdos to hang out with. This is also the reason why I think it's so important to discuss socialization when it comes to differences between men and women in general. Especially when it comes to things like autism, while it is the same disorder across the board biologically, it can manifest very differently depending on upbringing and the way society treats you. Which is why it bothers me when a lot of people in this forum describe weird, incelly behaviors as "autistic." Having autism doesn't make you a creep. Sure it can make you a little oblivious to some social cues, but more often than not it isn't going to cause people to completely lack empathy and context clues surrounding a situation. Again, granted that a lot of the autistic people I know are women, a lot of them can still know what actions are considered creepy and what makes people uncomfortable regarding consent. Like basically as far as social awkwardness is considered, from what I have observed with autistic people is that sometimes it can take them a minute or they are a little more anxious than the average person, but they are still capable of forming human connections whether it is platonic or romantic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of the "autistic" behaviors that is described on this forum isn't due to autism or being on the spectrum rather it is due to being socialized as a man and not taking the point of view of a woman seriously from a cognitive or empathetic standpoint. And speaking about the forum, I remember about a month ago I was having a conversation in the pm with another user about the whole How to Get Laid series and I brought up the whole thing on autism in that conversation which I think would be beneficial to add to this post. This is my own comment so it's not like I'm copy and pasting something someone said to me in private on my journal:

I beg to differ. I'm sorry that you had a terrible experience with birth control and side effects are certainly not uncommon. But just because you aren't getting the side effects, that doesn't mean that you aren't attuned to your body. Different people have different hormonal balances and for some birth control is incredibly important and beneficial. I don't mean to attack you in any way with this comment. I just don't think it's helpful to many people to have a wide sweeping generalization that could deter them away from a solution that is viable for them.

I really like this. It sums things up quite nicely. It also reminds me of how some green people reacted during the Texas snowstorms in February 2021. I remember seeing a lot of social media posts from some leftist talking about how Texas deserved those snowstorms because of the way they voted and how they deserve it because they are stupid since their infrastructure isn't up to the par to deal with these conditions due to the overly individualistic nature of how things are run. There were also a lot of leftists (particularly southern leftists) that were calling those people out who were saying those things about Texas. The whole thing was about how this attitude is basically ecofascism and that it's still important to care about people even if you don't agree with them. This talking point also called attention to how things like red lining, gerrymandering, and lack of funding in education contributes to certain voting outcomes in a systemic level and how shaming people because of this is also a form of classism because it's essentially poking fun at people with lower education levels and lower income levels. Finally, there was also talk on how some people on the left are there because they have this whole world view of winners and losers and how that robs them of the compassion they would otherwise have for people who live in red states. Generally speaking, though I might be incredibly biased, but I feel like a lot of leftists in the south tend to be better integrated because we are often brought up in conservative environments or at the very least have to deal with a lot of conservatives/liberals. A lot of us know why conservatives and liberals draw the conclusions they draw due to the environment they are in and how we need to deal with these people accordingly to get through to them. Not only that, but we often have to come to our own conclusions with leftism since odds are that there aren't many people around us who think in similar ways, therefore it's not like we get indoctrinated with green ideals and skip over the other stages. I feel like a lot of leftist who live on the coasts sometimes do exude a form of liberal elitism where they are essentially like *look at how much more educated and tolerant we are. we aren't backwards like those southerners.*

I agree with this. I feel like stage green (myself included at times) has a tendency to dehumanize people who might not know better. Don't get me wrong, having strong boundaries is necessary but degradation and dehumanization isn't necessary to do that. You can still correct someone and stand up for yourself without personally attacking people. If anything, that is more effective in most cases.

Experiential and Factual Truth This is something that I've been thinking about lately as I've been trying to get into the habit of validating my thoughts and emotions even if they look delusional in the surface and as I've been trying to empathize with people who I don't agree with. The way I would characterize experiential and factual truth is the following: Experiential truth is truth from personal experience and emotions. It's the type of emotions you get from direct experience and how you interpret your direct experience. Factual truth is the truth you arrive at from things like research, analysis, and contemplation. Both experiential truth and factual truth are parts of Truth and while they can contradict one another at times, they still represent a certain aspect of the truth. I'm going to first start with how this relates to my personal experience. I'm the type of person whose head and heart often times conflict with one another. It's very easy for me to grasp something in my brain but it does take a minute for my heart to emotionally catch up and integrate lessons and experiences. I know better but often times that isn't enough for me to feel better. For example, when it comes to my body image issues, I know much of my limiting beliefs don't have much of a logical basis. A lot of it is rooted in things like classism and internalized racism. Beauty is something that is very relative and it doesn't make much sense to base your worth and confidence on it. That is the factual truth of the situation. At the same time, from direct experience, I have had situations in my life that created and reinforced this limiting belief. It makes sense why I feel this way and why I beat myself up. My self hatred on a certain level is valid and it doesn't make sense to invalidate it and pretend that it doesn't exist or that it makes me crazy or irrational. Here, the experiential truth of "the way I look impacts how I'm treated and how beautiful I seem" and the factual truth of "beauty is a social construct and treating it like an absolute is what is causing problems" conflict with one another. I argue that it's important to accept both the experiential and factual truth because they are essentially two different aspects of truth. When we deny experiential truth, in the micro we are invalidating our direct experiences and gaslighting ourselves on some level. There is a degree of emotional invalidation which at best can delay a healing process and at worse shut down the healing process because the party with their experiential truth feels unseen and unsupported, thus leading them to shut down. I have noticed this in conversations I sometimes have with my conservative peers in college. The way I often try to approach these conversations is that I try to make sure they feel heard and respected when they are expressing their point of view. I try not to invalidate their experience and directly say they are wrong in an accusatory tone rather I simply explain my pov and my experience. I try to meet their experiential truth with my experiential truth to address any misconceptions or biases they may have so we can both arrive at the factual truth that is backed up by things like facts and research. I don't immediately rush to bark statistics and facts at them because then people tend to shut down. Depending on how receptive they are to this way of dealing with the conversation then determines how I continue this conversation. If I catch them getting super defensive in this situation, that's when I still try to maintain a firm but still respectful tone on my side of things and I contemplate on things like setting boundaries with this person depending on my relationship with them. Most of the time, however, things remain respectful and we both get things out the conversation. When we deny factual truth in favor of only validating people's experiential truth, that's when people fall into the trap of validating harmful behaviors and attitudes with no boundaries. Imo, there is a parameter of truth that needs to be established so that things don't spiral. Falsehood is a part of Truth (I will get to that later) but we need to recognize that as a part instead of getting consumed in it. That's were factual truth comes in. I found myself coming to this conclusion when studying the religious conflict that is present in the Indian subcontinent. I'll refrain from getting too detailed on this conflict because I feel like that will make me go off topic but the over all gist is that the conflicts have caused a lot of people to be extremely traumatized and there are very deep biases in every side. A lot of scholars find this conflict difficult to do research on because of the lack of unbiased sources. Basically, my experience is that it's important to hear out people's experiential truth, even if some of it doesn't align with the facts of the situation. Their emotions and attitudes, though they may carry biases, are still part of the truth of the situation. But if you get too consumed with each of the narratives it can be very easy to lose track of the bare facts of the situation. That's where factual truth comes in, it keeps one accountable and level headed. Politically speaking, it also stops you from having the neutrality bias that a lot of centrists can fall into where they make false equivalencies with different perspectives. If we go back to the example that I used about my body image issues, it's important for me to accept and validate my feelings of insecurity. But what doesn't help is when this sense of acceptance turns in wallowing and spiraling. That's where the factual truth comes in handy in keeping me accountable. I have noticed that for me personally, I tend to get overly fixated on the factual truth of a situation and neglect the experiential side to where I can tend to be too harsh with myself and not take a gentle, more effective approach. I also think this can be applied to the whole incel problem as well. There is truth in their experiences, much of which has to do with how unhealthy mainstream versions masculinity have unhealthy notions of sexuality which then can lead men to spiral into self hatred. I can empathize with a lot of their frustrations with feeling defective in some way without declaring the feeling of defectiveness as some type of factual absolute. Yes, it's perfectly valid that you feel like trash because of the way society puts sex on a pedestal but at the same time, playing victim and coming up with these pseudo-theories about chads to further entrench yourself in this pain isn't helping anyone. I think Dr. K from HealthygGamerGG does a good job on validating the experiential truth of a lot of incels while still calling into attention the biases that take incels away from factual truth. Granted the guy has professional training in dealing with these kinds of issues but I do think that this way of approaching people you don't agree with is a very important skill to have, especially in very polarizing times. I think it's important to see people as people first rather than viewing them as opponents first. Because not much gets done when both parties come at each other with their butt cheeks clenched looking for a fight. And I don't blame people getting defensive in these circumstances because it takes a lot of work to get to a point where you can have certain conversations without getting super triggered because it's hitting at a nerve or trauma. I don't want to shame these people at all and I myself do fall into that camp. Sometimes we just aren't ready and that is ok.

I feel like the reductionist class paradigm has more in common with stage blue communism in Russia. There is a quote that I remember reading a while back that really stuck to me. It's along the line of "intersectionality without anti-capitalism is just liberal identity politics and anti-capitalism without intersectionality is class reductionism." To me, liberal identity politics is orange/green while class reductionism is blue. I feel like like the classic case of how ideological class reductionism can be and how it's more blue than green can be seen by tankies. But then again, I'm not super well versed in the spiral dynamics of class reductionism.

I have so many thoughts to catch up on lol

I felt like I need a sticky note for this journal. I haven't been journalling as frequently as I normally do both in this journal as well as in my main journal and I want to keep myself accountable since I have a lot of things I want to write about.

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: When He Treats You as the Stranger You Are I have seen a lot of dumb shit on the dating section of this forum. One of those dumb things is the whole thing about "putting on a player frame." Like sir, do you mean take situations in a regular place and not turn into a desperate clingy creep? It's the same as when people on this forum use the term "social calibration" as if being a person is some kind of rocket science. The overall thing that I think guys need to take from the whole concept of "putting on a player frame" is how you shouldn't do boyfriend level shit when you aren't committed to someone and when you barely know them since that can look manipulative and set up a not so healthy dynamic. I would honestly give women the same advice as well because when you get invested waaay too quickly before having a conversation with the other person, the consequences can range from being in a one sided relationship or codependent with someone where you don't feel appreciated all the way to falling into the claws of a narcissist. I don't know how many of the guys on this forum knows (or cares about this) but there is this thing that a lot of narcissists do which is called love bombing. That's basically when you do really romantic gestures early on to get the other party hooked on to you like crack and dependent on validation and then you start playing games with them so that they get addicted to the highs and lows you provide. It's a recipe for an abusive dynamic and I feel like a lot of women are aware of this to where they want to run away when yall are going too fast. Like.... you don't even know me like that, why tf are you getting me flowers before the first date and sending me long ass messages on how much you care about me??? I think the reason why I want to call this "treating someone like the stranger they are" instead of "setting up a player frame" is because I think the later tries to swing the pendulum from being emotionally clingy all the way to being emotionally unavailable to the point of potentially being disrespectful. I think it can also breed a lot of cringy behaviors as well. I've been on dates where guys have asked me personal questions about my sex life and then they went ahead to detail their previous hook ups or their body count. I get what they are trying to do. They are trying to make the conversation sexual so that it can lead to something while trying to puff themselves up by talking about how experienced they are. They look so corny and insecure when they do that and while I'm comfortable with opening up about sex and what I like sexually, I don't want to discuss that shit with a total fucking stranger who is trying to look like a player. And I will tell you this, when I text my friends about these awkward ass conversations, we're really just staring at the group chat like: When it comes to treating someone like the stranger they are, to me that basically means not being clingy (i.e. not coming up with super romantic gestures early on, having a life so you're not overly fixated on me, etc.) but also being pretty respectful (i.e. not trying to be this player if you aren't, being on time to dates, planning things together etc.). And because you two are strangers, ideally there is that detachment from outcome so you aren't out here trying to push some type of Nice Guy™ agenda or play some kind of stupid ass game. And i stg, it isn't that hard to decipher whether or not someone has honest intentions with you especially as you get older. And being this calculated often looks even weirder and creepier than if you were to let yourself be you authentically weird and awkward self. Overall, when a guy treats me like the stranger I am, I consider this a green flag. Not only does this tell me that this person isn't clingy or a psychopath but it also tells me that this person is self sufficient emotionally on his own, has a life, and is willing to take the relationship in a reasonable pace whether that relationship is something as serious as looking for a long term commitment or something casual like a fwb. And speaking on fwb, I have friends who have looked for casual relationships and I have been told from their accounts that it's pretty nice to have a first date where the person tries to get to know you as idk AN ACTUAL FUCKING PERSON before jumping into bed with them. Not only does this build a sense of chemistry that would be helpful in having a more satisfying hookup but I stg there is nothing that turns a woman off more than just a guy trying to rush and force his way into something instead of letting something naturally develop. I think this also translates into hookups as well where a lot of guys are so desperate to get their dicks wet to the point where they don't even take the time to turn the woman on and ensure that she's also having a good time. Anyway rant aside, don't rush into things. It isn't a good look.

Relational Trauma I think after talking about the goals I have for the year and how I feel about desire and experience that I'm in a good place to talk about this topic since I have some degree of personal groundwork covered for myself. After coming back to college, I had a roommate who I feel I'm really growing as a person with . This person is so gentle with me and validates my emotions, and is really supportive. Not only that but they keep me accountable and call me out on my limiting beliefs, not in a confrontational way where they are like "hey you're doing xyz wrong stop that" but more so in a "hey i know what you're going through is really rough and it makes sense that you think this way but you aren't xyz." And honestly, even typing the last sentence out made me tear up a little bit. I was in an emotionally negligent environment and while I have dealt with these issues before, given all of the things I went through during the pandemic and my health issues at the time, when you add emotional unavailability from your parents, I feel like you unlock a whole nother level of trauma. There is also a tiktok account that I found a while back which is called somymomsatherapist. She is I believe a professional marriage and family therapist who talks about dealing with relational trauma and discusses dating advice that comes from a limited place. She has lots of good advice but something that really stuck with me is how there is only so much you can heal in isolation. Yes, it can be beneficial to be single for a while when you are dealing with some issues like codependency, but when something is categorized as relational trauma, you need to rework your behavior patterns in a dynamic with another person and work at that like you would do a muscle. In other words, if you have been in a toxic relationship, it's important for you to get into healthy dynamics so that the patterns you got from the toxic relationship can be broken. You essentially have to recondition yourself. I think this roommate I have is helping me in this reconditioning process. I think people need to be careful in this type of thing and not go out seeking to find people to "fix you" rather it's more along the lines of finding healthy and uplifting people and keeping them in your life. It's also about opening yourself up to more positive experiences instead of feeling like you need to be in hermit mode until you get your life together. I wrote a little more about this a while back in my previous journal: This ties in with the post I did on desire and experience where I do have these limiting beliefs in myself and much of it is because of a lack of positive life experiences. It makes sense as to why I have the thoughts that I have, that's what my life experience up until now has informed me with. It's a reasonable conclusion for my lizard brain to make even though my conscious mind knows otherwise. And I think the last part is especially important because that means that the situation isn't so bad to where I'm a bottomless pit of needing validation and I can't identify red flags in people. I think if that were the case, maybe withdrawing a little and working on a solid foundation for myself to get that sense of clarity and discernment would be more appropriate. But as someone who already has that foundation, I think further going into hermit mode is doing a disservice for me because I'm withholding the positive experiences I need to heal the negative beliefs that are lodged into my lizard brain. Dealing with Platonic Undesirability Speaking of which, there is something that I have been grappling with lately. I have been wanting to reach out to my old high school friends a lot in the last couple months. I drifted apart from them like 4 years ago during my senior year of high school and a lot of it had to do with me naturally drifting apart from them and needing to go off an work on myself. I feel really intimidated by the idea of reaching out to them especially since I was the first to walk away and because I don't feel like I have my life together 100%. Also, this whole working on myself and getting my life together thing has been taking MUCH longer than expected especially since the pandemic has caused me to acquire a new flavor of crazy which kind of brought me back to square one after I figured out a lot of shit. I have all of these thoughts on how this might be too late to reach out or if they think I'm reaching out because I haven't had that much luck in developing a social circle in college and they are my last resort (I mean they aren't, even if this doesn't go well I still have other people to lean on). Also, the whole me not having a solid social circle has been something that has been giving me a lot of pain on and off for the last few years and a lot of it started with me leaving this friend group. But again, what if this is me withholding the positive experiences I need to heal? What if this is just another place where I carry this limiting belief that I need to have 100% of my shit together to deserve human connection? I talked about this whole situation with my high school friends with my roommate and that really helped me process this whole situation emotionally. I think that if I have this conversation with my old friends that at the very least I'll get a sense of closure that can help me further heal from this whole thing even if I don't end up reconnecting with them and becoming friends like we used to be. Dealing with Professional Undesirability I have found an improvement in my issues regarding imposter syndrome after reaching out to some people, talking through these things, and getting more accurate information as well as more resources from them. I also think that this semester going well has been important to me because I think there is a part of my lizard brain that's like *oh I guess we can school after all.* While I don't think these things have cured my imposter syndrome, I do think that these were important stepping stones in the right direction. I'm also applying to internships and study abroad opportunities at this moment. I have a meeting with a professor who is running and creating this internship program. I think he is an important connection to have and a really valuable mentor even if I decide not to go into his field (he taught my HR class in college, was a pretty cool guy). I've also had a couple of interviews for internships and even though they haven't gone through according to plan, it was pretty reassuring to know that employers do see some inkling of capability from my experiences. There is a part of me however that really wants to study abroad. I'm applying to the same program that got cancelled during the pandemic. I know I was really looking forward to that trip during my entire time in college so it getting cancelled was difficult for me. I think travelling to Japan would be really important for me as far as things like gaining a sense of independence and getting out of the U.S. goes. And lord knows I need a little bit of that because this pandemic has left me feeling like I'm an angsty 17 year old by the way this has caused my parents to basically keep me under house arrest. I think it's also important in helping me build that sense of confidence and capability as well. Finally, considering the fact that I'm likely going to graduate this time next year, it would be really helpful if I got a couple classes out of the way and this is also my last call as far as studying abroad over the summer goes. Dealing with Dating Undesirability and Issues with Body Image I think a couple of really important things for me to do here is setting some boundaries as well as changing my environment. First with boundary setting. I don't think it's healthy for me to be in the dating section of this forum or to look at certain threads. I noticed that whenever I avoid those parts of the forum that I tend to deal with my body image issues better. The whole rating women on a scale of 1-10 thing has been especially getting to me lately because I know that a lot of the scale has to deal with things like racism and classism. And considering the fact that I'm in a college filled with rich skinny white girls where a very narrow standard of beauty gets enforced, the whole rating women thing has been hitting harder than usual. I have noticed that when I'm back in my home town, or really anywhere except campus and the surrounding area, that my tendency to compare and self deprecate is much lower. I think that's a whole nother thing to unpack in another post but I do know that things like location and environment can greatly shape a person's dating experiences. I have written about this in a previous post in another journal: I think over all I need to get out more and go to places where I have things in common with people. I think it makes sense why it's hard to see myself in a romantically and sexually desirable light because that's been my experiences so far. But that doesn't mean I can't have more experiences that contradicts those previous experiences. I think I just need a change of scenery, not only geographically and socially but also in the way that I tend to live my life. I go into more detail on the post I linked above.

The cons/side effects can vary from person to person but generally speaking even if a person has side effects with one pill, they can switch to a different pill and that takes care of the issues most of the time. For some, including myself, the pill can actually be beneficial for things beyond preventing pregnancy. People who have hormonal conditions such as PCOS and endometriosis often find that birth control can regulate their condition. Though, because everyone's body is different, sometimes the pill can make it 10x worse.

I really want to create a blog and I came up with a really good name for it. Problem is, if I were to make it my domain name that it would cost me about $5000. I found another domain name that I can use that is similar and MUCH more affordable but doesn't sound as cool. Do you think I can use the less cool domain name for a couple years and then change it when I get the money? Is that possible? Would this have any implications to things like web traffic and how often people visit the blog? Should I just suck it up and wait til I have the money to do anything? Also, has anyone created a blog before and made their own website who would want to give me some advice regarding this?

what does it mean to have "thin content" and indexing? I'm just really confused by all of this lol Also, how do you go about monetizing

@Raphael There isn't anything wrong with being any of those things but as someone who is coming from an emotionally negligent household that tends to shame me a lot for basic human things, there is a lot of self deprecation and emotional acceptance that I find myself working on.

Parasocial Relationships First of all, I just wanted to say that I loved this video and I found it to be really insightful. I feel that it expands on a lot of thoughts I wrote about a month ago regarding on how parasocial elements impacts the skill of my writing and the boundaries I set for myself. I love her self awareness of the content she's been releasing recently and how she's trying to be mindful of potential parasocial dynamics. It really shows me as the audience that she's aware of the consequences of the type of content she's releasing and that she is willing to take accountability in the future if anything comes up. I also love the examples she uses regarding this topic from the NYC influencers that are coming up who greatly rely on parasocial relationships to build their platform to the Hoodie Allen situation of him really exploiting his fans which originally started with inappropriate boundaries regarding parasocial dynamics. I want to talk about the whole NYC influencer phenomenon in a different post but the whole Hoodie Allen situation with a bunch of young teenage girls fangirling over him, while I am not familiar with this person, the dynamic reminded me of the whole Magcon era from like 2013-2017. I never got into the whole hype around Magcon and a lot of it might be because by the time they were at peak popularity, I already aged out of the age demographic they were targeting. I honestly can't tell you what that even was... I think it was just a group of basic looking white teenage boys with little to no talent who had youtube channels that would appeal to their audience of young preteen girls. I also think Shawn Mendes was in this group but the guy was mainly in the background minding his own business doing his little music thing which is why I think he ended up being the most successful in the group because he was being super cringe and weird. And by cringe and weird I'm talking about how basically the whole thing with magcon was that it was gigantic thirst trap for young girls to project their fantasies on. While that isn't an uncommon phenomenon when it comes to celebrity culture, I remember this shit being next level cringe because the overall vibe they were going for was pretending to be the audience's virtual boyfriend (granted I don't remember that much and granted that my memories are probably skewed because there was a girl in my high school who was OBSESSED with these guys). I just know that this whole thing started to die down once Jacob Sartorius came into the picture and turned himself and magcon into a meme. As for my relationship with parasocial relationship, I would say that it is possible for parasocial relationships to manifest in a healthy way. I feel like to a certain extent there will always be that element with performers and the audience because we tend to gravitate towards things that resonate and speak to us on some level. I know personally I have this tendency to go through all of the content that I consume, reflect on the messages that I'm receiving, and choosing to switch things up a bit. I feel like this has prevented me from falling into this parasocial attachment because I'm switching things around and therefore it's rarely the case where I end up fixated on any one creator for more than a year or so. For example, about a year or so I did a whole series on my previous journal And I remember upon reflecting I decided that I was going to give myself a break regarding self help/ spirituality content and focus on other things that I'm interested in. I think taking that step back was really important for my growth as someone who was developing a spiritual ego and as someone who was getting attached to detachment. Speaking of gravitating towards different kinds of content given what you resonate with, I noticed that when it comes to parasocial dynamics that I tend to view that person's content as somewhat representative of a specific part of me, a version of myself that I can revisit every now and then. I did talk about this in my post on the whole sad white girl trope and Savannah Brown's content: I also remember seeing a TikTok a while back on how as people age they tend to not engage in fandoms in the way they used to when they were in their preteen and teen years. A lot of the comments on that video was from people in their early teens talking about how that sounds really sad and how you don't feel that certain amount of and the same kind of joy and attachment to your favorite books and tv shows as you grow up has to do with some kind of cynicism you develop in adult as you lose your lust for life. The original creator replied to these comments with another video where she expanded on how this isn't due to losing your sense of joy as you get older rather it's more so due to things like greater media literacy, awareness of parasocial dynamics, and more life experiences. As a result, you tend to bond with other people over shared life experiences and world views rather than simply deciding to be best friends because you like the same band. But when you're like 13, you don't have as many of those life experiences to go on and you're still building on your world view so basically you're simply working with what you have. And that is perfectly fine. Exploring your interests, defining yourself along side those interests, and seeking people out accordingly is perfectly normal and necessary at that age. Like it's normal and perfectly fine for all of the emo kids to hang out with each other just because they all like My Chemical Romance lol. But yeah, I found this take to be particularly interesting because of the way that it ties into my life and experiences with friendship. I feel like that can be another post of it's own tbh. As for how this relates to my parasocial relationships, I have found that lately (as in the past couple years or so) I tend to gravitate towards content where people are talking about their life experiences, whether it's in a very short segment on one of those reddit compilation videos or something longer where people talk about the ways whey are growing and evolving in life due to different life transitions. Not only does it give me something to relate to, but it's almost as if it further expands on the things that I have already experienced (or probably going to experience) and fleshes it out more through another person's lens. I especially find myself relating to Katherout's content in this kind of way. I remember finding her videos on her transition to leftism and the whole "I don't dream of labor trend" and a lot of it drew parallels with my own thoughts around my sense of purpose as well as my developing thoughts on politics. I also find myself really resonating with her whole oversharing in Seattle series where she's basically talking about settling into Seattle after living in the Bay Area her whole life. And while I haven't made that kind of journey just yet, I do see myself one day moving to a place where I don't really know that many people and growing from that experience. But yeah, I think when it comes to things on my end, both when it comes to the content I'm consuming as well as my writing, that the way that I relate to content is something to be mindful of so that it doesn't devolve into something unhealthy. While I never got in super deep when it comes to parasocial dynamics since I never had that obsessive fan girl phase growing up, that the way that I use parasocial dynamics for my growth is something that is evolving and is something that is very personal/ individual for me, and therefore it would be really interesting to observe and introspect on that.

I know I'm misusing the forum when I get into arguments with people who likely don't give af about my pov or when i read things in this forum that causes me to get into negative thought patterns.

Goals for Next Year: Where to Go From Here I decided to split the previous post into two parts since it was getting rather long with all the things that I linked above. As I've mentioned in my previous post, I'm torn between choosing desire or experience for the thing that I'm going to center my goals around. So, just to sort out my thoughts, I'm going to make a case for both. Desire: After reflecting on some of my weaknesses at the moment as well as the common themes in many of my therapy sessions, I have come to the conclusion that I have a hard time thinking I'm enough. I have trouble seeing myself as desirable on a platonic, professional, romantic, and sexual level. Lately, I have had a messed up eating and sleep schedule so as a result my self deprecating voice that is waaay in the back of my mind has been more toward the forefront. I catchy myself having the following limiting beliefs come up whenever I'm cranky: No one is going to like you if you are angry, sad or upset. No one wants to be around you because you're depressed and miserable to be around. Why tf would anyone want a romantic or platonic relationship with you? You're neurodivergent and no one is going to want to put up with that other than other crazy people. You're a menace to be around and no fucking wonder you didn't have a solid group of friends in years. No one likes you and you can pick at yourself all you want and improve yourself, but in the end, people are still not going to like you because there is something inherently wrong with you. You're waaay too fat and ugly for a relationship. No one is going to love you at your current weight. No one is going to look towards your direction and if they do they probably will approach you as a joke. *proceeds to compare self to every skinny person in the 5 mile radius and starts picking apart looks* Let's be real, no one is going to want to fuck that much less love that. God you're so fucking stupid. You aren't going anywhere in life and you don't have any skills that are of value. What? You did good this semester and you're going to graduate a semester earlier than expected? Well you're doing the bare minimum because the classes you took were your easy classes and you would have to be really fucking stupid to not do well. You were originally supposed to graduate in spring 2022 so the fact that you're going to graduate in the fall is you making up for lost time but just barely. While my lizard brain is going on a rampage, my prefrontal cortex is just sitting there like: *You're clearly stressed, frustrated, hungry and tired and there's no need to take this out on your self esteem. Also, iced coffee isn't a fucking meal you chaotic bitch. Go eat a vegetable, hug a stuffed animal, and take a nap in that order. I need you to STFU and talk to a therapist about this instead of ruminating and spiraling* But yeah.... that's the voice of my insecurities. I'm very aware on how neurotic and self deprecating all of this sounds. And I genuinely think that these limiting beliefs are really fucking with my life at the moment and stopping me from going after the things and experiences I desire the most. Not only do I need to see my own desirability and inherent sense of worth but I also have a lot of karma that I need to burn through regarding my own desires. In other words I have shit that I want to manifest. And speaking of which...... Experience I also feel like I missed out on a lot of fun experiences that could have made grow as an individual in a healthy way. I also feel like I need to get somethings out of my system so I can deal with my FOMO and salvage some amount of my college experience in the next year or so before I graduate. I think a lot of my issues with confidence and desirability can be resolved through positive life experiences. Because sometimes, especially when it comes to things like relational trauma, you really need have a handful of positive experiences to off set negative encounters (planning on doing another post specifically on that). But also, I'm really tired of being inside my head like this. I feel like I've over stayed my hermit mode phase because of the pandemic and the issues it has caused me. I really just want to go out there and live my life and grow in that way instead of sorting through trauma (don't get me wrong, that's important, I just want to switch gears for a little bit). I also think that this tangentially has to do with the whole *balance theory vs practice* thing. I also want to give myself room to fuck around and find out mainly because I tend to be really calculated and risk adverse and I think that some level of spontaneity would be really healthy for me. I also think that this can be a good way to give myself a break and some room to fuck up from all of the work that I've been putting into myself to develop into a well adjusted person. Like... I want at least a couple crazy and fun stories from my early 20s that I can talk about in the future. And perhaps, now that I'm writing all of this out, I feel like the whole desire and experience thing is really something that goes hand in hand rather something that I need to choose between.

Goals for Next Year: Past Reflections So I do this cliche thing every year where I pick a word to focus on and center my personal development goals around. 2019 was peace, 2020 was discipline, 2021 has been gentleness, and I'm thinking that 2022 should either be desire or experience from what I have narrowed down. Just a little recap since I don't think I wrote about this in any of my journals just yet. My focus for 2019 was peace because I was coming out of a very chaotic phase in 2018. I really dug through some traumatic events in my childhood, started getting help, and I also had a number of things fall through in my planning, most which had to do with college. I was really burnt out by the time 2019 rolled around and I really had to take time to take care of myself and my health situation because my brain decided to check tf out after doing so much work for years straight. Spring 2019 was difficult for that reason and I found myself sleeping for 12 hours a day and only having enough time to spend on keeping myself afloat academically and to talk to a couple friends. I wasn't depressed during this time. I actually was very at peace with myself. The only thing was that I was tired and I needed extra time to take care of myself. During this time I really reflected on what kind of people and situations brought me a sense of peace and fulfillment. I figured that this time of stagnation was necessary because it isn't super sustainable to go from having your life go from a down ward spiral to immediately going back up. Sometimes you need to flat line a little to recuperate, slow down, and figure out where you want to direct your energies. During Fall 2019, I got a lot of things together academically and started ease into this newfound peace and stability. Much of the burnout was resolved by this time but I still had some left over so I thought I'd take it easy. This semester went really well especially compared to my freshman year of college. I remember having so much hope when it came to my 20s and who I was growing into because I had this foundation of peace and stability I could stand on. I then decided to focus on discipline for 2020. I was in an emotionally stable place and I wanted to see what I could do with this foundation by really focusing my efforts toward a good work ethic and healthy habits. January to March 2020 was the happiest I have been. I was getting high A's in my classes, working out early in the morning, eating healthy, and I felt like I had so much energy that I could put back out there. I really felt like I was becoming that bitch. I was still a little burnt out and I didn't feel entirely comfortable with putting myself out there socially just yet because I felt as if I was still stepping into this new identity and this new stage of my life. I told myself that's what I was going to do after spring break. As well all know, spring break never really ended. We all had to move online because of COVID and I had to move back in with my parents. There was a lot going on at this time and I wasn't able to commit to discipline in the healthiest way. I was very harsh and self critical of myself. That combined with other things resulted in me having a full on mental breakdown and called attention to some underlying physical health issues I have been having all this time. So for 2021, I shifted my focus to gentleness because that was my biggest emotional need during this time. I needed to be gentle with myself emotionally, physically and mentally. I have a number of posts documenting my growth in this areas as well as my insights that I had throughout this year regarding this year: Also, while my goal to focus on discipline and integrate that into my life fell through in 2020, I found myself really making up for it this years as I focused on gentleness because of the ways that gentleness and discipline goes hand in hand. I have a few posts detailing that here: I will say that the slow and gentle approach to my goals has been the most efficient, the most effective, and the most sustainable way I have ever gone about my goals. Like the amount of patience I have built by slowing down and going at a gentle pace and the amount of discipline that I have gained by delaying gratification in the way to make something more solid has been crazy. I have been able to get my diet and my time management together as well as sort through my career and emotional issues in a good pace with minimal backlash. And I genuinely feel like I'm in a healthier and more grounded place because of it instead of feeling burnt out by the work I put in.

I just want to take a moment to celebrate the fact that I passed my language proficiency test and that I got straight As this semester in school. I will be graduating in Fall 2022 from college now that I don't have to take my foreign language requirement since I tested out of it. This is also the first time in forever that I did get straight As and that things went smoothly since lord knows my life has been a mess lately. I've also managed to make a handful of friends and get a couple leads regarding internships and jobs after college. Things are finally coming together, slowly but surely, and I'm so grateful for that.

I have this tendency where if I dont have anything I immediately need to do, I will wake up and lay in bed for about 45 min to 1 hour before getting up. Is this normal and if so why do I do this lol? Also, how do I reduce this time so I have more time to be productive when I wake up?

Also update: I noticed that on days that are cloudy I tend to be even more tempted to stay in bed for much longer because when it's cloudy I don't get any natural light in my room and as a result it feels like it's like the break of down (like 6 am or so) instead of it being later in the day. Also, not sure if this is tmi and kind of weird but I notice that I stay in bed longer when I'm in a more cuddly mood. Like often times, the first thought I have in the morning is how much I want to hug a person lol. Not sure if my lack of romantic life has anything to do with my emotional state first thing in the morning or if this is something that's just in my head but I thought I'd throw if out there.

@Yarco I'm not actively suffering with depression, I was just drawing an analogy. And yeah when I have something already planned like an early morning class, I tend to only roll around in bed for 20 minutes before getting up because if I miss class I will get points deducted from my grades. I guess it isn't a question of whether I feel like it or If I feel inspired to wake up in the morning rather it's more of an accountability thing. no I'm trying to figure out why I do this mainly from a curiosity stand point. I'll figure out my action plan afterwards. I don't make breakfast during the weekdays. I unfortunately got out of that habit once I went back to school. But I do have a brunch of sorts sometime at around 10:30 after my morning classes and right before the crowd comes in during lunch. Normally, I would have an omelette with some onions, red peppers, mushrooms, and tomatos mixed in as well as whatever fruit my school cafeteria has out that day and anything else that catches my eye. Ooohh this actually sounds really nice.

My morning routine consists of me waking up, laying in bed for an hour if I don't have classes first thing in the morning, checking my phone, brushing my teeth and washing my face, drinking some water, and doing my makeup and getting ready for the day, I would fit in about 5-10 minutes of just being present/meditating and then go on a walk for at least 10 minutes or so to get to where I need to go (and before going on the walk I make myself breakfast during the weekends). I also like to play music during this time entire time as well. I find that as long as I'm present and I'm not rushing through my routine that I'm pretty satisfied with it. I notice for things like journaling that I get more insights during the night and it's a nice way for me to wind down. No offense but this kind of sounds like how some people tell others that they are depressed and then the other people reply with *just be positive it's a choice.*

I started this thread with the intention to do so and to get some interesting insight as to why this might be happening. But if it turns out to be a nonissue, then not changing this is also an option. It's the whole saying of how you don't need to fix what isn't broken Granted things like being an advanced meditator might impact this but I still have a good dose of skepticism of needing 4 hours of sleep especially after coming out of a year long depressive episode. I'm not saying that this is your case because I don't know you like that, but I have observed with some people who have issues with depression for a long time, the moment they are out of it, life feels like the best thing ever because they have gotten so used to things sucking all the time. So then you have this drastic pendulum swing emotionally. And as a result, even if they aren't bipolar, it can trigger a manic episode of sorts and one of the symptoms of a manic episode is needing less sleep than average.