soos_mite_ah

@Karmadhi It's literally a part of their jobs to go through all of that for better and for worse. The average person who has a job and additional responsibilities with a regular salary isn't going to have the time or the money to be working out 2+ hours a day with a personal trainer and nutritionist and spending money on botox. Sure you can do a lot by adopting a healthy lifestyle and using sunscreen, but things like genetics and a regular life still have to be taken into account. I'd be careful with should statements. Things like isolation and just this pandemic in general affects people differently depending on a variety of factors. It isn't unrealistic for a lot of people to feel like they missed out on a lot of aspects of life even if they did make a lot of progress else where. Or in a lot of cases, not having a well rounded life can cause a person to be more neurotic and as a result less productive. That's especially the case if one hasn't found that thing to pour their efforts into to produce their best work and are still in the exploratory phase in a career, passion, relationships etc. like most young people are.

Also with the pandemic, girl you know I feel you on this. I feel like just in general, younger people in their formative years from 15-25ish really feel the hit harder because those are the years when you really grow, put yourself out there in the world, and just figure a lot of shit out. Like developmentally speaking, there is a huge difference between 18 to 20/21. So while this pandemic has only been 2 ish years, it feels much bigger for younger people because from what I've heard from a lot of older people is that at some point you start to settle into your life more for better and for worse. Better in the sense that you get more of a sense of stability, you already know who you are, and that a couple years here and there don't really matter. But that can also be worse because that can also easily breed stagnation as well. And I don't have a good solution to this. Something that really messes with me is how missing out on these two years probably fucked with me developmentally when it comes to me having my whole coming of age, main character moment. Some of the ways that I've tried to cope with this is building healthy relationships, keeping track of the ways that I have grown as a person, and trying to build life experiences in the form of long term goals and projects since I can't exactly go out and seek out those experiences. Also, giving yourself space to mourn and grieve this is crucial because it's perfectly natural and understandable that all of this sucks and it feels like you really missed out on these often times really pivotal times of your life. I feel like saying oMg You'RE sO yoUNg, yOu hAvE sO muCH liFE aheAD OF yoU means well but ultimately, especially when the pandemic is concerned, doesn't really alleviate the pain or validate where you are in this process. Sometimes you just need to sit with those emotions, let them run their course, and see the validtity and the sanity of feeling this way. And while coping is important to keep yourself going, you don't want to shove all of your emotions down and not validate them or process them because that will manifest in not so pleasant ways later on. As for putting yourself back out there, I think that can depend on vaccinations, booster shots, how COVID is impacting your area, and any other family members and health issues that may be present. I personally wouldn't recommend rushing out for the sake of not wanting to deal with this anymore just yet because even you do catch a minor case of COVID, you can still deal with health complications in the long term. And we don't even know the extent of this either so there's that. Again, I don't know what your situation is like and how COVID is impacting your area but it's important to weigh these pros and cons because the pandemic isn't going to stop just because we're tired of dealing with this.

Honestly, I call bs on this. There are so many aspects in society from the beauty industry, the media, friends, and family that try to reinforce this idea that a woman's life is limited and if she doesn't settle down when she's young that she's basically hopeless. And a lot of it is rooted in misogynistic narratives that thinks that we all turn into Prince Phillip once we hit 30. I also think that being in this kind of scarcity, fear based mindset that pressures you into finding a partner as soon as possible delays finding actual loving and healthy relationships. For example, for simplicity's sake, lets say that in the timing of your own life the universe has it written down that you're going to meet that ideal partner a year from now. Lets say that you're anxious, lonely, and impatient so you decide today to get into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable kitchen sponge of a person you didn't care much for in the first place, you end up spending 3 years in that relationship, and then in the 4th year you take time for yourself to process and heal from said relationship. Next thing you know, instead of having that healthy, fulfilling relationship come to you in a year, you delayed that timing by an additional 4 years. What I'm trying to say is that by rushing into something or dating around a lot because of a bunch of time pressures doesn't help the process. As hard and uncomfortable delaying gratification is, it does pay off in the long run. Sometimes, as woo woo as it may seem, you need to trust the timing of your life instead of forcing things that aren't meant to be. That's not to say that you do nothing with your time until that day comes, it's important to work on yourself and keep yourself open, but it's to say that gripping onto a reality you want so bad to manifest doesn't make the time pass any quicker. There isn't going to be a magical age where you have a bunch of good options. Growing up you probably had a bunch of guys who were too immature for a relationship and thought that fart jokes were the epitome of humor. Now, you have a bunch of guys who don't want to get into a relationship because they're interested in fucking around or you have older guys being creepy and trying to manipulate you. So yeah, you might have more options but that doesn't always mean you have good options. And then I'm sure when we're in our 30s and up, there will be guys who have come out of a divorce or two and have learned nothing in the process. There isn't going to be a magical age where you get these beautiful romantic experiences. You're always going to have to filter through guys and find ones that actually like you and will treat you right. But the good part about there not being a magical age is that there is no set time when these experiences can happen. It can happen in your late 20s, 30s, 40s etc. It doesn't have to be now and it certainly doesn't have to be as long as waiting til your 50s and 60s. And I think limiting ourselves in this way time wise not only makes us neurotically impatient to where we can't enjoy the now but it also undermines all of the life we have left to live in the future. Basically, it robs us of both the present and the future. So yeah, I recommend looking into some of the limiting beliefs you may have and find ways to be gentle with yourself. I know telling a person to be patient in the face of wanting to experience relationships so bad doesn't help much (I'm currently dealing with that now) but something that I had a friend say to me has really helped me regarding this. And that is that it's okay that you aren't experiencing everything right at this moment because that just means you have something to look forward to. I also think that a lot of people fall into this trap of trying to fit a whole lifetime just in their 20s because of the way society tends to fetishize youth and it really doesn't help anyone. This video honestly has helped me so much regarding roadblocks I have encountered with relationships, travel, and work as well and I think it would be worth looking into especially in the part between 3-9:30

Media Consumption Analysis: Self Development Channels Earlier in 2021 I decided to take a break from self help content and I think it has paid off a lot. I developed a healthier relationship with self help, was able to branch out more in my interests, and not get into this cycle of constantly fixing things about myself. I think it also helped me develop relationships with people because I feel like often times when you get so caught up in self help, there is a part that can sometimes consciously or subconsciously develop that is like *I'm so developed, I'm more developed than most of the people here, it's lonely at the top* or that is like *look at all of the unconscious masses, they are so superficial.* And yes, while it is true that odds are you are more aware than some people and that there are indeed superficial people out there, there are also plenty of people who are interested in growing as people and having good conversations about what is going on in their lives even if they aren't immersed in self help or spirituality. And sometimes, you need to just give yourself some distance from the self help/ spirituality content and let yourself just be a person. A lot of Ana Psychology's content coincides with her research and studies as a psychology doctoral candidate. I really appreciate how she breaks down multiple studies and adds nuance to common presumptions especially in things like dating so there aren't a bunch of hard and fast rules and so that the audience goes out to handle each situation as it's own rather than applying wide sweeping generalizations. I feel like I don't have to expand on HealthyGamerGG's content but yeah I really enjoy Dr. K's content. I found that Dani Foxx's content was crucial for me to get out of the spiritual ego I built for myself and heal/grow in a more sustainable pace. As for Actualized.org and Teal Swan, I have to admit that during this year I didn't delve into their content like I usually do. I did this intentionally because I needed to develop a healthier relationship with self development. I think this space helped me realize how the channels were and weren't serving me. I find myself in a gap in the content, especially when it comes to Leo's content, because it's like conceptually and from a self development point of view, I find myself already have integrated (I'm using the term integrated pretty loosely here to mean I have a good grasp on the theory and can apply it to a certain extent) a lot of the things he and Teal Swan talks about and much of it feels repetitive. That's not so say that Leo's content or Teal Swan's is repetitive rather it's to say that a lot of the concepts do overlap on one another and intersect other topics. But then there is this gap that forms where there is a large chunk of the content that feels repetitive and like I've already integrated it while there is a sizeable chunk of the content that I don't find myself anywhere near ready to integrate. This mainly has to do with Leo but personally, I'm not ready for a lot of the lessons on nonduality and psychedelics and I don't think I'm in a healthy enough place to implement those teachings in a healthy way instead of misinterpreting them. Like I've been saying, it's important to pace yourself on this journey.

Media Consumption Analysis: Commentary Channels / Video Essays I decided to get into more commentary channels and video essays because that's where my interests lie and I often feel more informed after watching these videos. I remember that this time last year I had that whole issue with disconnecting from my identity to where I wasn't replenishing myself by delving into my hobbies and interests because I got so caught up in my spiritual ego and as a result was trying to transcend everything. So the way I decided to cope with that is to rediscover a lot of the things I found interesting and just let myself enjoys shit again. I think this was really important for my relationship with spirituality so that it manifests in a healthier way. Because personally I believe that if you do spirituality in a sustainable way and in a sustainable pace, its' supposed to make you more human rather than have you try to transcend you own humanity. I found Alice Cappelles content when this video on critiquing self help popped up. I was really intrigued by her take and then proceeded to binge on her videos because she had interesting point of view as someone who fell down the constant self improvement rabbit hole. I really like both amandamaryanna's and shansphere's content and how I basically feel like I leave their videos with more media literacy IQ points than when I first clicked on the video. I find all of the social commentary and critiques really insightful as well and again, I feel like I leave with more IQ points on social awareness after watching their content. When I first found Brooey Deschannel's channel, I instantly found myself binging her content. While I'm not super into film and I haven't watch most of the movies and shows she talks about, I do really love the way that she breaks them down and finds things that are incredibly insightful from and intersectional and anticapitalist lens. I especially loved her video on sex work and how it's portrayed (also, just in general, it's fair to say that most of the creators I will be talking about in these series of post are leftists lol). Then there is Tiffany Ferg and Jordan Theresa with their internet/media analysis. I remember mentioning them in my last media consumption analysis and you know what, they make another appearance here as well. Then I have a bunch of leftist content creators who don't post super often but when they do I eat that shit up and I rewatch their videos because I can just feel my EQ points and critical thinking skills shoot up. Truly, makes me feel like I'm in my big brain energy, Contrapoints', Salari's, and Innuendo Studies's content honestly feels like a treat whenever I find out that they posted something.

Media Consumption Analysis 2021: Life Experience Content? I know it's 2022 but I have been reflecting on the type of media that I consume and I was meaning on doing this post for a hot minute, then I forgot about it, and next thing I know the new year rolled around and here we are. The reason why I put this with a question mark is because I don't know how else to really describe this type of content other than it mainly just revolves around people living their lives and reflecting on it. Most of these people are those who are in their early to mid 20s just trying to figure out their lives after college including but not limited to things related to work, relationships, moving to new cities, and their general worldviews (also, I just realized I found most of these creators after the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend happened). There definitely that parasocial aspect to this where it feels like I'm their friend sitting there like *omfg same I feel that too and I also think....* and I think it facilitates the dialogs that I have in my head regarding me figuring out my own life. Just in general, I have noticed that I am growing more by bonding and building relationships with people by talking about what is going on in my life and what's been going on with their life than I am from consuming spiritual and self development content. The way that I'm drawn to this type of content reminds me of a TikTok that I saw awhile back. In this video, this woman in her late 20s was talking about how as you get older you don't get attached to pieces of media like your favorite TV show or your favorite band like you used to back when you were in your teen years. A lot of the comments replying to that video was from teenagers just getting sad about how adulthood just steals your joy and makes you boring with no hobbies and interests. The creator then replied back and said that this isn't a bad thing because as you get older, because you will experience more of life, you tend to bond with people with similar world views and life experiences instead of whether or not you like the same kind of music. On top of that, there is the whole thing about how you gain more media literacy as you grow up, you tend to be more aware of parasocial dynamics and don't cling onto them as obsessively, as well understanding your own relation to escapism. And I really felt that shit especially this year because I noticed that most of my relationships now aren't really built on common interests like before rather they have to do with common values and experiences. I also think that this reflects on the media that I find myself drawn to as well. So, here are some creators from this category that I find myself coming back to frequently: I feel like Fauxhad is just really big moods most of the time. I found him back when he had a few hundred followers and lowkey, I love seeing his growth on the platform as well as they way that he too is growing and are confused with life as well during the pandemic and lockdowns. I feel like I keep adding Katherout videos onto my journals in addition to my own thoughts and emotions that come up for me while I watch her content. I'm also really here for her oversharing in seattle series she's doing about her experience relocating after being in San Francisco her whole life and how she's figuring out her relationship to work, achievement, and capitalism. And as an overachiever, this feels like me looking into the future by like idk 3-4 years lol. I found myself drawn to Lynette Adkin's content because of the way that she ties in things like manifestation and spirituality in a very practical way to facilitate her living her best life and her being critical of the systems that are currently set into place. I would say that it's her videos that I found first under the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend which led me to find a lot of the creators above. I found Tarek Ali's channel a couple years ago and I remember watching a few videos here and there. I found myself more attracted to his content lately when he started talking about things related to body image and just navigating your life and relationships after graduating. I feel like I have learned a lot from his content and honestly, a lot of them just feel like little one sided therapy sessions where he just lectures life advice to me and I eat it up and relate it to my own life and realizations. Similar to Tarek's content, when I watch Kayln's content, particularly on her Koze channel, I eat is up like one sided therapy sessions with life advice. I feel like she as a bit more of a spirituality mixed into her self development related content which I always appreciate. And as the title says, it's cozy. I find myself clicking on a lot of videos with reddit posts despite never being on reddit. Idk I just like seeing random little anecdotes, words of advice, and takes from people all complied in one place. Also, the robotic voice is funny sometimes lol.

It's simple. In order to have free speech, there needs to be a certain degree of censorship to ensure that marginalized groups are protected so that they too can have free speech. If you have white supremacists and misogynists go around spewing their hate and radicalizing people, women and minorities will be silenced and will become the target of violence. The question isn't whether should we have free speech or censorship. The question is whose free speech are we looking to protect.

I edited my notifications setting and I went from having about 40-60 notifications daily to almost none. I'm not complaining and honestly I think it's for the better but I will say that it feels a little weird to check on this site as I normally do and not see anything happening. It just throws me off a little bit lol. But I do feel my mind being clearer that's for sure.

Healing Your Inner Child Lately I've been on TikTok and as usual I have a bunch of posts showing up about healing your inner child. While that isn't anything new, there is a trend that is coming up in the spiritual/trauma healing/ self development side of TikTok that has to do with how part of healing your inner child also includes healing your inner teenager. It's pretty much under the same premise of integration but has a different flavor. While I can't really speak on what the experience is like for everyone, I can speak on my own experience that I am having with healing my inner child and healing my inner teenager. For me, healing my inner child mainly comprised of emotionally opening up to myself and others, dismantling a lot of internalized misogyny I had, being gentle with myself, and making sure I'm physically taking care of my needs. A lot of it also has to deal with healing from emotional neglect and unavailability which involved me learning to ask for help and actually letting myself feel my emotions rather than intellectualizing them. And even though I had a lot of that taken care of over the last couple of years, I guess there was a part of me that I felt that I didn't get to and I didn't know exactly how to articulate it either. And that's where this TikTok trend comes in. A lot of the people who were making videos with the whole healing your inner teenager were talking about a variety of things ranging from how their inner teenager wants to fight people to how dressing the way their 14 year old self wanted to dress is mentally satisfying. Other common themes involved setting boundaries with yourself, reconnecting with old hobbies and interests, and learning to not only stand up for yourself but stand up for your full potential instead of stagnating. I decided to take a moment to reflect on a lot of these themes as well as revisit some things that I really resonated with at the time in the form of old playlists. I also revisited a couple of posts I made in the past where I was reflecting on my teenage years. I will admit that initially reflecting on *how to heal my inner teenager* felt really fucking strange considering I was a teenager less than 3 years ago and much of the time from when I turned 20 to now was just the pandemic where I didn't do much other than go insane from living with my parents. So, as a result, there is this huge part of me that realizes that there is only so much healing I can do with my inner teenager since I don't feel like I have sufficient distance from her as far as time goes. But nevertheless, there are somethings that I can work on and there are something that I already find myself working on and just makes much more sense right now. For instance, I remember a lot of times in the first part of 2021 that I would find myself spiraling because I hit such a low point to where I couldn't help but think about how if 16 year old me saw me like this now that she'd fucking lose it. And a lot of my frustrations with FOMO and the way that the pandemic has shaped my experiences and my mindset for the last couple years makes more sense when I look at it through the lens of an unhealed inner teenager. Because a lot of that self deprecating inner dialog does come from a place of my teenage self having all of these hopes and expectations for the future and who I thought I could become and then them simply not coming true because there was no way that I could've had foresight into a fucking pandemic. And a lot of that self deprecating dialog also comes from a place of feeling like I needed to have my life together and be competent because of late stage capitalism and the school system that my 16 year old self fully bought into because she didn't know what adulthood held and didn't yet begin to look at issues more systemically because of a lack of education. I've also had somethings pick at some old wounds that I had as well recently. I tried to reach out to some old friends recently and I remember after trying to reach out that there was this sense of dread that washed over me because I was reminded of old relationship dynamics I was a part of. For the last month or so I found myself revisiting attachment issues that I thought I have handled but turns out I still had some shit left to deal with (will write about this in another post). And some of the emotions I found resurfacing in the process of doing that make a whole lot more sense when I think of it from the point of view of my teenage self wanting social acceptance and not knowing how to deal with the situation at hand rather than thinking of the situation from the current point of view I have now after years in therapy. It's kind of similar to how really petty things probably hurt us a lot when we were kids, like for example you being the last one to get picked during gym class, but in retrospect as an adult it doesn't seem like a big deal but you also have no idea why there is a part of you that gets so emotional thinking of that situation. That's because while adult you has the way to cope with this situation, your inner child is still in pain because back then, that kid didn't know better on how to deal with this situation therefore the situation on some level feels unsolved. Yes, 22 year old soos_mite_ah knows how to deal with that situation now but her inner 16 year old is still in pain because she didn't have the same kinds of tools and insights as she does now. Finally, there is this piece of righteous anger that I had as a teenager. While I was a pretty good kid and didn't have issues with rules and boundaries, I did (and still do) have a lot of pent up anger. I remember a couple months when I was looking at my old writing that I was pleasantly surprised on how much of it made sense and wasn't completely cringe. I had perfectly valid reasons to be angry and frustrated and it wouldn't be right to write all of that off as angst and cringe. Like I said before, a common theme in this TikTok trend is on how a lot of people's inner teenager want to fight, get vengeance, and burn everything to the ground. I think for me going forward, this is basically a sign that I need to pay attention to my anger more and validate it more often.

I'll be looking forward to that post. Make sure you tag me I second this. That has actually helped a lot and just making plans with a couple people in general even if it's as simple as talking to someone in a coffee shop and that's it. I'm pretty sure the reason why we don't encounter these kinds of men as much irl is because they aren't the ones who are actually socializing with girls by being in their social circle. I mean if you don't like women, why would you want to hang out with them unless you were trying to get your needs met . And just in general from my personal experience, guys who are usually around other women a lot, especially if their main friend group consist of other women, they are much less likely to spew a lot of the bs threads you see on here because they are actually around women in a neutral setting where they see them as actual people rather than a potential romantic or sexual encounter. Oh 100%. I find it really weird on how like formulaic a lot of these interactions and dynamics these guys are. It just feels like they are plotting and strategizing instead of actually being present in the situation and getting to know the other person. I guess for me personally, I have tried to make it a point to have boundaries with my self and that section of the forum from using the ignore function for some users who have recurring problematic exchanges and by avoiding that section all together in a lot of the cases. I honestly think I'm at a point where I need to go completely cold turkey because this was starting to be one of those *death by a thousand paper cuts* types of situations where it slowly erodes you. Like of course, consciously I know better, but the repeated exposure is subconsciously picking at minor insecurities which then would create larger problems.

Zyzz Ok so since I started doing my little work out videos to keep myself sane so I don't feel like a blob of a person, the YouTube algorithm decided to introduce me to Zyzz. TLDR: Zyzz was a fitness influencer back in the early 2000s before influencers were really a thing. Apparently he really changed up the way that fitness bros interact with one another in the gym because of the way that he went from being this skinny guy to being buff. Along the way he stood up for skinny guys in body building forums and other fitness circles so that it's less intimidating for beginners. I don't say apparently to undermine what he did or to be skeptical/ critical rather I don't know about the extent to which things have changed since I haven't been in the fitness circles of the early 2000s. Unfortunately, this guy died at 22 from a heart attack but he still has a legacy that lives on in body building circles and his brother is also continuing on the whole body building thing. So the reason why I wanted to write about this guy is because I caught myself falling into a rabbit hole of sorts because how could he be so huge but I have literally never heard of him. Also, there is this morbid curiosity I have with I guess old internet culture. I really don't want to call it that because what I'm referring to as "old internet culture" is really the internet between 2006-2012 and while 10 years isn't a crazy long time irl, it's practically ancient in internet terms. I wasn't really on the internet like that during that time because I was a literal child. But when I was on the internet, odds are I was doing one of the following: Watching asdf movie for the thousandth time or searching up nyan cat to annoy my friends, playing random little games, reading rage comics on iFunny, or reading fanfiction and looking at fan art of my favorite shows and books on Deviantart. I wasn't super immersed into internet culture so there is only so much that I can say about that time period on the internet other than me getting nostalgic over random bits of my childhood. I don't remember a lot of the trolling culture from that time and what was considered acceptable and normal or even funny and entertaining. But I do remember that we have come a long way from back then in terms of being inclusive and calling people out on the internet for being a fucking asshole. Like I'm pretty sure that if "How to be Emo" was made today that NigaHiga would be called out for perpetuating negative stereotypes about those who struggle with depression and he would have been cancelled in a heart beat. I know what I have written about so far might seem like a huge tangent from talking about Zyzz as a fitness influencer but one of the things that drew my curiosity towards him is the way that he would constantly troll people on the internet. One of the guys in his little group decided to call himself "Chestbruh" and honestly I find myself laughing while having a cringe attack because what the actual fuck. Honestly, what was the internet back in 2007?? Any way, jokes aside, I found a lot of Zyzz's trolling to be pretty jarring and off putting. Like, I don't get how people found this shit funny or entertaining at one point. It's just cringe. But then again, back then there were people who thought yelling out the f-slur and pointing to random shit saying "that's gay" was the height of comedy so there's that. Zyzz just seems like an unhinged gym bro going on a rampage with no one to check him. I'm not exactly a fan or advocate of cancel culture, but to a certain extent I do think that a certain degree of social pressure, both in the forms of peers as well as the possibility of future employers checking on your shit, has given some amount of accountability to people on the internet that forces them to be mindful of things. Is it the best way to ensure that people are mindful and civil on the internet? Fuck no! But I do know that if Zyzz tried to pull some of the shit that he did back in the day now, there would be an endless amount of people making jokes about alpha male content and basically he would be turned into a meme where rather than having people laugh with him, he will have people laugh at him. That, and I'm pretty sure that people would have gotten sick of this guy really quickly because of how obnoxious he is and he will be featured in every gym bro cringe compilation. Then there is how old he was when he died. He died at 22 and I feel like in a way, his character is kind of frozen in time in the sense that the world never got to see what he would've become in the years to come. I do think it's pretty tragic because this guy was pretty successful and was an influencer before influencers were a thing so in that way he was ahead of his time. And because I'm at the same age, it does make me think of my own mortality just a smidge. There is a part of me that can't help but wonder what it would be like if I encountered a 22 year old Zyzz in the wild and how that interaction would go down. He is an interesting character, and I say that in the sense that his personality is like a science experiment gone wrong. Like, he is so obnoxious and just has the worst stench of insecurity that I haven't seen in a long time. He vaguely reminds me of the annoying guys that picked on me from middle school to early high school with but then didn't encounter once I became an adult. Granted the fame fucked with his head and he has a lot of unresolved issues that he constantly projected out to others but even then he is so stunted emotionally. It's like the guy was living his villain origin story. He seems like an actual menace to be around and I feel like a lot of those interactions out weighs a lot of the little defenses he made towards skinny guys in terms of evaluating his character. Moral of the story: Don't do hard drugs or steroids. Especially when your frontal lobe isn't done forming.

How This Forum Influences My View on Men I think this brief step back helped me gain some perspective on how this forum is probably affecting me in the long term. I think to get a better idea it would be a good idea to avoid looking at my notifications and any other threads other than the ones in the journaling section. Because the men on here really aint shit and it's been fucking me up mentally slowly but surely. So for the last month or so I've been around my friend's younger brother and his group of friends as well as some of the guy friends my friends are around as well as one of my friend's significant other. And while I'm not really close to any of these guys, they were just refreshing to be around because they weren't raging republicans, they weren't *Nice Guys*, they weren't wannabe pick up artists, and they weren't weird ass red pillers. They were just normies with a good amount of self awareness. And honestly, I feel like normies with self awareness have more awareness than the average guy on this forum. You don't have to be completely engulfed into spirituality and self improvement to be able to reflect and work on yourself. I know that sounds super obvious but I feel like I have to say it anyway since a lot of the guys on this forum have a tendency to be like *all normies are super unconscious and stupid* while puffing themselves up because they have built up a spiritual ego an god complex. I'm sorry if you made some changes in your life and you no longer resonate with some people in your life but that doesn't mean you go along generalizing the rest of humanity. Sometimes all it takes is a simple change of social circle and it doesn't even have to mean you have to go off into a hippie commune either. As for the Nice Guys, PUAs, and red pillers (I'm going to label this group as the ick because I don't want to keep typing this out), I feel like I have a really distorted perception of how many are there out in the real world. Because when I get on this forum, it feels like ick is everywhere. When I get out in the real world, particularly in my specific social circle, the ick is barely there. I know this forum tend to attract a lot of men with a variety of issues and a lot of PUA types because of Leo. I also know that my specific social circle tends to be pretty progressive and female centric so even when they are guys coming into our circle, I feel like there is a metaphorical fire wall of sorts that are just put up. Now, what are the implications of this? I do think that there are women in my social circle who have a more naive view of what kind of men are actually out there. They aren't so naive to where they don't know they should be careful or the prevalence of the dangerous situations women can get themselves into, but it's also not like they know the depths of the ick simply because they refuse to be around that type of thing (and rightfully so). Then there are guys on this forum. I feel like there are some guys on this forum who are so consumed with the Chad's, either because they hate Chad because they have the nice guy complex or because they want to be the Chad (and honestly, what even is a Chad? I don't think I have come across them at all. They just seem like a really limited archetype that no person actually completely fits. It reminds me of the whole NLOG thing when you compare yourself against the idea of other girls that doesn't actually exist). Sometimes I look at these threads and I'm just like *you know there are perfectly normal guys out there who aren't these alpha chads who have perfectly normal, fulfilling, happy lives with friends, and a significant other every now and then.* Like, you don't have to have these over the top lives with a million dollars, a 10 for a girlfriend, and that you don't have to be an emotionally distant asshole to women to have sex.... Y'all just reek emotional damage and bitterness and y'all need to get that sorted out with a professional instead of studying what a sigma male is on the internet. And speaking of the 1-10 rating system, again, I always knew it was bs but I feel like by constantly being on this website, it's been fucking with my body image as well as my ability to put myself out there because this website is just a cesspool of body insecurity without any amount of self awareness at times. Like I know so many beautiful "average" looking people who don't have issues with dating or relationships (casual or otherwise) but I feel like with the way that this forum tends to cling on to the 1-10 scale, it will have people believing that they are hopeless unless they look like the textbook definition of conventionally attractive. Sure these people aren't constantly in relationships and hooking up but honestly I think it's a good thing because they are comfortable being on their own and they are willing to trust their timing of their own lives instead of feeling the need to force a situation by approaching a 1000 different people. Then finally, the thing that is probably actually causing me trauma is how sleezy and weird the guys with the ick are. I feel like since coming here I have become more paranoid with guys but also in a way it feels like their behavior is normalized. I don't know how to best explain it but it's like there is a part of me that feels like if I were to go to a guy's house that I recently started dating, I would get paranoid of him getting pushy about getting physical and that I should accept this as normal because that's just how guys are and that I should've known better than to go back to his place because what else could that have possibly meant? There is no relationship without sex right? SMH. To be fair, I do think part of this does have to do with my own life experiences but at the same time, I have only a couple of weird experiences with guys being too pushy with me, none of which resulted in full on assault thank god. But I think a lot of it is coming from this forum because I haven't been this cynical or paranoid around guys before I joined this place. I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of pushy, shady guys on here and as a result because of how I've been shut in because of the pandemic, there is a part of me that feels like I'm surrounded by the same kind of guys on the regular as well. Basically, the relationship advice on here is often trash and the average person who hasn't been exposed to this type of ideology has better perspective on relationships and how to go about creating them and building them.

A Brief Life Update Sooooo... I haven't been on here nor have I been writing lately. I don't have a particular reason or plan to take a break but it just kind of happened. Maybe it's the laziness. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed with other things. Maybe I just didn't feel like writing. Regardless, I think it was a much needed break. In the mean time I have been doing the following: Stressing over a job interview: I've been interviewing for an internship and I had a couple of meetings with my professor and the team I'm supposed to be working with. I had those meetings prior to Christmas and I had my interview on the 5th. It went well but at the same time since I haven't really heard back from them.... I'm getting nervous. I have people telling me to just be patient and that this will come through but I really don't like being in suspense like this. I'm probably going to send a follow up email tomorrow since by then it would have been a week since the interview. But yeah... I've been in this state of anxiety for the past couple days. Got my COVID booster shot: I got this on Friday and right after getting the shot, I felt this wave of exhaustion come over me and I got a mild headache. I fell asleep at 2pm that afternoon and then woke up at 9 the next day. I had plans on that Saturday to meet up with a couple of my friends and thank god I did because I'm pretty sure that staying in bed all day wouldn't help much. I felt a little sore, not so much to where it was painful but it just felt as if I did a workout the day before. Then, out of nowhere I got another wave of exhaustion so I dipped yearly. I got home at 6pm and then fell asleep again. I woke up at 1pm on Sunday and for the last couple days I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back on track. I felt tired and sore on Sunday but I wasn't exhausted nor did I have a headache. By the time Monday rolled around I was perfectly fine. Getting angry about COVID: I feel like everyone around me is getting the new variant and while it isn't as deadly, there are still long term effects of COVID. There's also the whole shortening the number of quarantining days as well. I think it's safe to say that everyone is over the pandemic and while that is understandable, COVID don't care if you're over it. It's still spreading all of the goddamn place and schools are getting shut down again because people aren't doing what they are supposed to fucking do. My school hasn't moved online but I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm wary of how things are going to go down. But on the other hand, my school has been handling COVID well and I definitely don't want to stay home for another fucking semester since my parent's are driving me insane. Mourning the relationship with my parents: I don't remember exactly how much I have written about this but it is something that I have been dealing with since late November. I have made the decision that when I become financially independent that I will be cutting contact with my family. This isn't an easy decision and there is a lot of emotions that I have been sorting through in the process of dealing with this. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to approach this or what I'm going to say but I have about a year to figure that out. I started working out (sort of): So upon coming back home during winter break, I realized that I essentially felt like a blob of a person. I know this isn't much of a work out but I have been doing the Chloe Ting 2 week challenges and I have completed 2 of them. I don't think it's doing anything as far as weight and body composition goes for me but then again it's only been like a month since I started. I do see an improvement in my form while doing the exercises and I find myself having more energy and I don't feel like a blob of a person anymore so I'll take that. I know this isn't much but I think it's a step in the right direction and I feel good doing this. I've met up with my friends a few times: I feel like this was essential for me because not only do I need to get out of my household, I think just interacting with another person just makes me feel like more of an actual person. I find myself checking tf out a lot of the time when I am at home and it's rather draining. And just in general it gives me something to do during the week, something to look forward to, and it's been helpful to deepen some of the relationships I have established in this last few months. I also think that talking to people outside of this forum and just limiting the amount of time I spend on here and instead talking to people in my circle had been more helpful in me growing as a person. I've been dealing with my anxious tendencies in relationships: I'm honestly going to make a whole nother post on this. I reconnected with an old friend (sort of): I sent her a short message saying that I want to reconnect and meet up. She responded positively but turns out she caught COVID so it might be a few weeks (since she's trying to be careful). I hope she's feeling better soon and I have said my piece so at this point the ball is in her court and it's up to her to reach out when she's feeling better. I finished my application for studying abroad in Japan: Don't have much to expand on other than I hope this goes through this time.

Thoughts?

Sorry, I haven't been on here all that much and I forgot I made this thread Basically these are the main points: Personality can change depending on situational circumstance, period of life, mood etc. It isn't a static type A lot of the questions are phrased in a black and white, either or, kind of way which doesn't leave much room for nuance Putting people in boxes and categories are usually not the best for selecting jobs and partners. Self bias is a huge problem especially when self interest is involved when trying to get a job. The model wasn't even made by trained psychologists or formal training so there wasn't an adequate sample size or way to test these theories (this specifically pertains to the Myers Brigg) Personality can change the way that it expresses itself depending on context (i.e. being more extroverted around people you feel comfortable with or being more introverted around people who you aren't super close to) A lot of the results may seem super specific and personal when it's actually really vague and applied to many people. A lot of the characteristics are super flexible to many types There is a class bias especially when jobs are considered (taking a job because you have to vs taking a job that "fits" you or not having the choice to be spontaneous because you life style and class requires you to be super planned out) Narrowing yourself from jobs and dating can be needlessly exclusionary and can stunt your growth/ self awareness (i.e. I could never do xyz because I'm an INTP) Specifically when it comes to determining a culture fit for a company, personality tests like the MBTI can be easily gamed. She also does the test on camera while talking through the questions on how they can lack nuance. Also, my thing is that I know plenty of people who are all INTJs and INFJs and NONE of have similar personalities imo. A lot of personality tests and the MBTI specifically I feel measure such a small negligible part of a person's personality in a very specific circumstance.

Both of my parents were absolute messes when raising me. These results show both dots on top of each other but I would say irl my mom is much more anxious with dismissive tendencies while my dad is on the extreme end of being both anxious and dismissive avoidant. (but at the same time I wouldn't characterize either of them as with disorganized attachment tbh). As for the partner section, since I've never been in a relationship I used a relationship I have with a couple of really close friends. I'm guessing the black dot is me regardless of who I'm dealing with in that case? I know that a few years ago I was a mix between anxious attachment and dismissive/avoidant. In the last couple years I definitely leaned more towards the dismissive/avoidant. I would say that rn I'm mainly secure but in the last month or so I've been having these anxious spirals every now and then which I'm working on. The reason why I didn't score higher on the anxiety spectrum is because when I do catch myself on these spirals, I am pretty good at coping with them and I'm good at discerning the anxious thoughts and the reality of my relationships both through self reassurance and self soothing but as well as having conversations with others. I feel like when it comes to healing issues with attachment styles that this can take a while and that there are lots individual nuances that can come into play regarding the different relationship dynamics that were present in childhood.

I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes my mind goes to this really weird place where I start wishing I was more chaotic and exciting. Like idk, I feel like there are like 2 main types of highly neurotic people with fucked up childhoods. The first is the one who is very outwardly chaotic. I'm talking constant partier (to numb their issues), probably has a lot of casual sex/ situationships/ serial monogamy even though it's not coming from a healthy place (i.e. hyper sexuality, searching for validation, attachment issues etc), has other toxic/ chaotic friends, does drugs occasionally, etc. and is generally the crazy friend with interesting stories. The second is the one who is very internally chaotic. I'm referring to the people who are procrastinating on their work by being online, staying in bed all day, doesn't really have a lot of friends, pretty to themselves, and just doesn't have that much going on in their day to day life as far as excitement and drama goes since they simply don't have the energy to do much other than what is required to sustain themselves. I would say that I'm very much the later. I think it's great that I have good habits like working out, eating healthy, doing all of my work on time, not using substances to cope, being self aware in dating/romantic/sexual scenarios, and just generally maintaining my responsibilities. But at the same time there is this weird part of me that wishes I was the former, outwardly chaotic person. Because it's like, I'm here being the goody goody, straight laced one trying to deal with all of my issues responsibly in therapy when I could literally go on a fucking rampage. And I think this is something that I need to unpack. I guess it's because on the surface, going on a rampage and doing crazy shit looks like fun. Like you're definitely going to get some interesting ass stories to say the least. This is going to be a really weird way of putting it but I feel like being outwardly chaotic has this type of main character energy because lets be real, it's always the main character that be doing the stupidest shit and making the worst possible decision every time while having a tragic backstory because it gives the writers something to work with. And at the same time, people who are internally chaotic, they often fade to the background because odds are that they aren't as engaged with life to where there is an interesting plot line with twists and turns. And I know that a lot of these crazy behaviors look like fun on the surface but going on a rampage rarely leads anywhere good. Like a lot of these exciting things that outwardly crazy people are doing aren't making them happier (if anything it's the opposite). And then whenever I try to engage in similar behaviors, I guess my risk aversion kicks in to where I just can't do crazy shit. I don't really know how else to put it but it feels energetically incompatible???? I wrote a little bit about this in a previous post, albeit jokingly, but I feel like it articulates things pretty well. Also it's like, if I'm going to be depressed, anxious, and angsty, at least give me the chaotic energy for me to do something with it. Like, let me be an exciting chaotic person instead of a boring one. Being boring and chaotic isn't fun. I know being crazy and chaotic comes with a shit ton of stress that doubles down on the chaos but at least it looks interesting. Even typing that out felt a little weird because I know romanticizing chaos isn't a good look. There is also this tiktok that I watched a while back where the caption was along the lines of "when you study hard and decided to be the good kid growing up instead of being the one who have blow jobs under the bleachers but you're still broke and miserable" and the audio was I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE. And no, I don't literally want to be the kid who gave blow jobs under the bleachers in high school because I was asexual back then and asexual me wouldn't not have enjoyed that. But I guess it speaks as a metaphor of this feeling of putting in effort doing everything right and still not being where you want to be and you're just as miserable as everyone else. Because introspecting and working through your issues is really hard work that a lot of people aren't self aware enough to do and because the work is internal, often times you don't get that recognition or opportunity to flex. But at the same time, when you do put in all of this work and you're still as broke and miserable as the outwardly chaotic people (on the surface at least), it can sometimes feel like *so what's the point of me putting in all of this work on myself.* And this is where a lot of my impatience kicks in. I wrote about this in a previous post: I have talked about similar themes in this post with my therapist before. We were talking about lacking certain life experiences and I was explaining how that made me feel emotionally stunted in some ways in comparison to some of my peers because I felt like I wasn't doing enough and my therapist said this. "Even if you life isn't as exciting as some people and even if it doesn't exactly measure up to this narrative of having fun when you're young and living it up, you're putting in a lot of work in yourself at a young age and while it doesn't seem fun and exciting now and you feel like you aren't doing much, you're going to really look back and thank yourself." I think this and the whole impatience piece has to do with the whole instant gratification thing where it's going to be a minute until my good habits and my stable, consistent, and sometimes boring life will catch up to me in a positive way even if I'm still rather neurotic right now. And now that I think about this more, finally I think there is this part of me that felt as if I have the room to be young, crazy and stupid. I have written this in other posts: This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. I also found a tiktok a couple months ago which was along the lines of "I'm into Lana del rey, not in a daddy issues, old hollywood way but in a *I'm the eldest daughter of immigrant parents who wishes they had the free spiritedness of the American psyche and who would be seen through the lens of the delicateness that white femininity is often seen through.* And I felt personally attacked to say the least. I think another facet of the *I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE* feeling has to do with feeling like I don't have the margin of error to be young, crazy, stupid, and reckless. And not to be dramatic but sometimes I feel like the responsibility that was put on me as well as the responsibility I took on to sort out my shit early on has taken my youth in a certain way. I'm going to unpack that in a little bit in another post since I feel like this is getting a little long.

Some Videos I Really Like

The majority of the work you put in yourself is outside of the therapist's office. There are things you need to do in between sessions in order to actually see progress. They aren't going to do the work for you or walk the path for you but they will be a good guide that will make you question your biases to make sure you're staying on the right path. Freud and Jung aren't the only people who are impactful in the field of psychology. Not only that but on top of that, a lot of Freud's work as been critiqued and disproven by additional studies so he isn't exactly what a lot of people see as a credible source. People who study psychology have much more important and broader topics they need to cover instead of just studying the work of Freud an Jung. Also, I was about to type out a whole nother paragraph but someone already beat me to it lol. I agree with the below especially the stuff that is bolded.

@Gianna From what I remember is that if you have mild symptoms, they're usually supposed to go away within the first 2-3 months and if they don't that's when you need to switch to a different pill. For the birth control that I'm taking at the moment, for the first two months I had to deal with some nausea when the hormone dose would get higher around the week before my period. And that's the other thing, there are some birth control options where the dose/ composition of the hormones varies from week to week according to your cycle. As a result, most of the times when you do feel symptoms, it's not like you get the symptoms all the time for the entire month. I remember that one time when my roommate was first getting on birth control (no health issues, just using it as a contraceptive) she had to deal with a lot of depression and anxiety for a month straight on the first pill she got on. It was bad to the point she didn't want to wait for another two months to see if her body would adjust and she figured that the hormones in that particular birth control wasn't working well with her. She switched to a different pill and then she was more or less fine with no symptoms.

I really like this. I do find myself using language in this way where I tend to use adjectives like "natural" "in alignment" and "authentic" interchangeably but in some discussions there are certain nuances that needs to be emphasized to keep everyone on the same page if that makes sense. I guess my misconception came in where pro-natural can contradict with being attuned with your body. And I'm glad that you clarified this and expanded on your POV. I do think it's essential to think through the implications of putting in hormones into your body and that a lot of people tend to use birth control as the default answer when really, considering all of the side effects in can come with, making the decision isn't always as easy. I wouldn't say that it's the case that most people aren't connected to their bodies when it's pretty common that when most people first get on birth control, there is a trial-error period where basically you're supposed to see how exactly the hormones are impacting your body. And if the side effects are overwhelming or they don't go away, that's when it's important to switch to a different pill. Not all birth control pills are made with the same hormones and that is important since everyone's bodies react differently to different combinations of hormones. Of course there are people who react badly to all forms of birth control and I think that's when it's important to look into other options such as getting and IUD or the such. It's also incredibly important that there is more research and innovation for male birth control since women have so many options in this area while men just have condoms and vasectomies. Not only do men benefit from having more options that will suit their needs, but in this case women won't have to shoulder as much responsibility when it comes to preventing pregnancy.

I want to challenge an assumption right here. I think it's very common nowadays in many circles that revolve around wellness to assume that "natural" is the best way to go and that thing that are chemicals and artificial are automatically less than. While that can be true in many instances, I do think that this assumption can be limited. First of all, what is considered natural is something that have changed over decades. There was at one point where people thought grocery stores were artificial and unnatural and therefore bad because it is somehow disrupts the way people are naturally supposed to get food and that this will make us all into lazy slobs. Also it goes without saying that what is considered natural by governing bodies like the FDA and the such can change very easily over time. There are also plenty of natural things that are harmful as well. If you really want to get natural, natural is survival of the fittest. It isn't coming up with a cure for a disease, it's letting it run it's natural course and if it wipes everyone out than so be it. Natural can be incredibly brutal. What I'm trying to do here is challenge what is considered artificial, what is considered natural and how they can be both be conducive or harmful to survival rather than putting a value judgement on either term (i.e. artificial= bad natural = good). Now when it comes to the pill, again everyone's experience can be different so I'm not saying this is the only right way rather that we need to all find our right way for what works best for us. What's important is having options without judgement. I personally have had a really good experience with the pill. I do have a hormonal condition that has wrecked havoc on my body. The pill has been really effective for treating this condition and regulating my period as well. Now, I was able to resolve my condition naturally as well by following a strict diet and consistent exercise routine. But I would say that the key word here is strict. Unless I watch this condition and my health like a hawk, things could fall out of control really easily yet again. When I got on the pill, while it isn't something that would fix everything (I still have to maintain a healthy diet and habits in general), it did give me a margin of error of sorts to where I can occasionally have a nice meal that was out of the ordinary for me and not break out horribly the day after. For me, the pill has been an important regulator. For many women the pill isn't just about preventing pregnancy but it can be part of a solution for a variety of health issues. I do think that more invasive and "artificial" means should not be the go to since that can easily turn into taking the easy way out of a situation but I do think that there is a time and place for such a thing and that one can go about doing this safely I do like this and I think it's important to be aware of your body to understand what it does and doesn't need at different points in time and cultivate that sense of awareness. At the same time when it comes to this as well as the whole pull out method, I do think is a gamble and personally, it's not a gamble that I recommend especially when it concerns something as serious as potentially bringing in another life into existence.

I think there is an important factor that is missing here which is why they oppose such things. Disapproving casual sex because it is seen as dirty and sinful is different compared to disapproving casual sex because one prioritizes deeper, long term commitments. Accepting things for acceptance sake isn't always the best route imo. Sometimes having certain restrictions is about having boundaries and standards for oneself that is best for the long run.

Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can't Have Bad Days I have been noticing lately that my inner voice of self hatred tends to have a lot of messages rooted in ableism. Some common statements that comes to mind when I am spiraling in the middle of the night is how I'm not interesting enough, how there is something inherently wrong with me, how I'm not worthy of love and connection, and how I have to perform a certain aspect of my personality because or else I'm not going to get the acceptance that I desire. If you've read the previous post, you can see how a lot of these sentiments come from the exclusion that neurodivergent people experience. I think something that really impacts me the most is the notion that there is something inherently wrong with me. Because something that is common with neurodivergent people who mask a lot, especially women since there is often more pressure for us to act a certain way to please others, is that even if you mask really well to the point where that performance is convincing, there is always something little that neurotypical people will pick up on and will exclude you based on that. And that can easily spiral into perfectionism and feeling like you can't ever be enough and that there needs to be something about you that needs to be fixed but you don't even know what that part is. And the worst part is that neurotypical people will rarely, if ever, will say this out right since neurotypical people tend to try to communicate things with subtext rather than overtly communicating what is wrong. There is also a good chance that they themselves won't be able to exactly pinpoint what's wrong because they aren't being hyper aware of these dynamics since they never had to study them and will write it off as *this person is a little weird* and that's it. They will just treat you differently and expect you to figure out what's wrong when really, by definition there are certain things you can't pick up in the first place as someone who thinks in a different way. This is something that my roommate has called me out on where basically I have a lot of internalized ableism in the way that I expect myself to be high performing mentally, emotionally, and socially at all times. And honestly, my college environment and my family doesn't do a good job in helping this either and adds even more pressure to perform. When it comes to my college environment, there is a lot of pressure to conform to a very cookie cutter version of upper class whiteness. Even if you are neurotypical, this environment and how conformist it can be is challenging if you don't fit this mold exactly. It's even worse if you are a minority in anyway or if you are neurodivergent. And if you aren't in the circle of Greek life, if you have more unconventional interests, or if you have additional commitments such as another job to support yourself, it can be difficult to integrate socially. That's not to say that it's impossible but it is very likely that you will face more social ostracism. Basically, it takes very little to have the label of "weird" to be slapped on to you. Then there is the whole thing on how competitive this school can be. While a lot of the problems academically for me personally has more to do with things like institutionalized racism, I think it also further indirectly reinforces some ableism that I already have internalized. Basically I noticed with how rigorous the work it that if I even have one week where for example I got sick, my mental health took a dip and I need to take more time for myself, or I have something go wrong in my life, that could fuck up my entire semester. Basically either my grades will take a dip or I will get behind on work which then will cause me to be playing catch up for the entire semester. I have learned to cope by always being roughly 2 weeks ahead in each of my classes so that I can have some wiggle room for when things do inevitably come up. But it has caused me to have more pressure on me where I feel like I have little margin of error. While that is on the academic side, I have also noticed this tendency creep up in my social life as well where I feel like if I'm not on all the time and if I can't maintain these tight rope like standards for myself and consistently show up for people on a super regular basis that I'm not going to have friends. Especially since I'm not active in Greek life and I have unconventional interests, I know that making friends in an environment where I don't have much in common with most of the student body, I have realized early on that making friends is going to be an uphill battle. I have to actively make time for people and stay committed to a variety of time commitments to have some type of circle since odds are I'm not going to immediately click with the people I share classes with or people I run into incidentally. I know that a lot of people talk about college being a time where it's super easy to make friends and how it's really convenient, but personally I haven't had that experience because of my personal circumstances. And even though there are something that aren't in my control (ie pandemics and other personal things that can come up due to my family issues), there is a part of me that is quick to internalize this notion of how there is something inherently wrong with me for not making friends easily as a way to grasp for control in a situation where I don't have much at all. And this internalization further feeds into this notion of *you're doing something wrong/ there's something wrong with you* or that *I need to somehow be fixed* or *I have to be on all the time and consistently or else if I'm not performing highly at all time socially that I'm not going to have friends since I'm already dealing with a small margin of error.* Basically there is a part of me that feels like if I have an off week that I'm basically going to be academically and socially screwed. Then there is my family. I have talked in the previous post where my roommate has gotten a lot of support in regulating and understanding their emotions as an autistic person from understanding family members. Well... I basically got the opposite treatment. I got little to no emotional support growing up and I was in a very emotionally negligent home environment. Not only is it difficult for me to be compassionate and more importantly, validating to myself when I do experience difficult emotions, but I have this limiting belief instilled into me that no one will love me or try to help me if I "act out in undesirable ways." That can range anywhere from expressing my sensitivities to communicating my anger, sadness or fears. Basically my parents only know how to express these emotions in an unhealthy way and because they never had a healthy expression ever modelled to them, even if you express your concerns in a healthy and constructive way, odds are they will start projecting, paint you as being crazy, gaslight you, and tell you that you're being toxic since you aren't happy all the time. This is already problematic regardless of whether you are neurotypical or not but it hits different when you are neurodivergent and you are constantly told how you need to act in a certain way and can only express certain emotions because or else no one will love or accept you. There have been times where I have caught myself tearing up after sharing something about myself or that I have told my roommate that I need the room to myself since I'm having a bad day and I need some time to myself to calm down a little. Afterwards, I have caught myself immediately apologizing for taking my emotions out on them. And there have been numerous times where my roommate had to reassure me by telling me that I'm not asking for too much, that expressing my negative emotions doesn't automatically mean I'm taking them out in an unhealthy way, that I'm communicating in a healthy way, and that I'm allowed to have bad days and if anything, expecting myself to be high performing all the time mentally, emotionally, and socially isn't realistic. Not only is it not realistic, but not everyone is harsh in the same way and a lot of people are willing to be understanding even if the experiences I've had in this school and with my parents say otherwise. And honestly, this is still something that I'm working on but it really helps when someone else reinforces these positive messages by keeping you accountable when it comes to unrealistic standards you might hold yourself to.