soos_mite_ah

Ok so I haven't been taking care of myself super well because of my work load. My sleep schedule is really messed up, I don't have much time for myself (I have to plan out my days by the hour or else I wont get anything dont), and sometimes I'm not eating enough. On those days, I find my mind going to a really dark, self destructive, self deprecating, and overall chaotic place. When I'm living a day where I get some time for myself and opportunity to rest, I have no such problems. I know things like physiological brain chemistry is affected when you aren't taking care of yourself and that in turn affects your ability to think straight. But there is a part of me that wonders if this thought process is more reflective of wher I'm at with my consciousness because it's like my base line of sorts. So am I incredibly neurotic, or do I just need time to chill tf out? Which one is more reflective of my progress and my level of consciousness?

I appreciate it. Thay's why I included it I think this is something I can try. I try to get the small stuff done and out of the way so that my to-do list doesn't look too intimidating and so that I feel like I've got a good start on my day. I do this mainly because I'm kind of sweaty after my work out and I need to change out of my workout clothes anyway as well as pick up the stuff I need for work and school. I can probably look into this. I like to take about an hour to eat and 20 minutes to an hour to meditate. I find myself feelling pretty tired by the time I finish work and my class and I find myself really needing a break at that time. I find that starting work right after or 30 minutes after I get back that I can't really focus. I do this mainly because at the end of the day I find myself really wanting to goof off a little. Meditation for me is largely a self care thing at this time that stops me from going insane lol. I know this is getting kind of problematic since I am dealing with the whole "revenge bed time procrastination" thing. That further fucks up my sleep schedule because the night is the only time I really get time for myself meaning I end up staying up later than I should. Sure I have time to eat, work out, and meditate, but because of how otherwise packed my schedule is, the time I do have to take care of myself feels like I am recharging to go and do more things rather than me actually have time for myself to enjoy and just be.

This is what I'm working with rn

My Current Routines ***Note: Sometimes I skip an item here and there so I can get in more sleep or have more time for myself as needed Monday / Wednesday 7:30-8: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face etc. 8-10: Answer email, do small assignments, eat something 10-11: Work out with a friend 11-12: Eat lunch with a friend and walk back to my dorm 12-1: Take a shower, get dressed, walk to class 1-2: Class 2-5:30: Work + commute time (Commute is about an hour, 20 minutes there and 40 minutes back. I normally listen to music or youtube videos on my watch later section. But on some days, work is remote so I get that extra time to myself) 5:30-6:30: Take a break/ meditate 6:30-7:30: Eat dinner 7:30-12: Do homework with breaks as needed 12-1: scroll through my phone Tuesday/ Thursday 8-8:30: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed etc. 8:30-9:20 ish: Eat breakfast 9:30-3:30: Classes with no breaks 3:30-5:00: Take a break/ meditate/ eat a snack 5-6: Therapy/ career development meeting 6-7: dinner 7-8: break 8-12: homework with breaks as needed. 12-1: scroll through phone Friday 8-8:30: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed etc. 8:30-10: Workout + take a shower 10-12: Meet up with a friend 12-1: Get something to eat 1-2: Class 2-5:30: Work + Commute (Commute is about an hour, 20 minutes there and 40 minutes back. I normally listen to music or youtube videos on my watch later section. But on some days, work is remote so I get that extra time to myself) 5:30-6:30: Take a break/ meditate 6:30-7:30: Eat dinner 7:30-12: Do homework with breaks as needed 12-1: scroll through my phone Weekend: Wakeup whenever I want Study/ get ahead in classes: 2-6 hours depending on work load Get some chores done (buy snacks for the room, cook with my roommate, clean up, run errands etc.): 2 hours or so Hang out with a couple of friends in the evening Maybe get work out for 1 hour if I feel like it

I do think I would be able to do more if I had more rest but because I'm not putting excess time towards it (I have strict boundaries with myself and the people I work with), its hard to find extra time to not do anything.

I'm taking on a heavier course load and I have a job so that I can graduate on time and so that my resume won't look like a skinny legend when I'm done with college. By baseline I mean what I'm like when my schedule is full and I don't have much time to rest, take time for myself, meditate etc. I give myself at least an hour to meditate and/or do absolutely nothing. It's the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment. I don't know. I know at the very least that I'm going to be graduating at the end of this year. But whose to say my work life wont be as stressful or even more so? I've always been taught that stress will always be there and you need to find ways to cope and deal with it affectively. Yes, I do have friends I spend time with regularly. I've seen many neurotic hippies lol. And kids, have you seen them when they don't get a nap or haven't eaten in a little bit? They start to get cranky and start throwing tantrums. While I'm grown enough to not throw a tantrum externally and take my emotions out on others, I do catch my mind just not thinking straight. yeah...... I'm currently not super sure how to go about doing that. I'm going to post my general schedule on this thread though

The Hellscape that was the Early 2000s I can't say that I remember the early 2000s well since I was a child. Tbh, I feel like part of the early 2010's also bleeds into my perception of the 2000s mainly beause my head likes to lump my childhood experiences and memories from age 4-12 into one category (so that's like from 2003 ish to 2011 or so). As I've been trying to fix my body image and eating habits, I have been purgeing a lot of the messages I was given when I was really young. I think the messages that stuck to me the most were the ones that penetrated into my psyche before I had any ability of critical thinking developed physically in my brain. For example, there are some standards that didn't come to mind until later (say 12 or so) that didn't stick at all. One such example was the whole concept of stretch marks. I didn't know what they were for the longest time and when I was exposed to them for the first time at around 11, I didn't think it was a big deal. Even when people told me that stretch marks were something to be ashamed of, by that age, it didn't really affect me all that much because I thought it was dumb and overly nitpicky. But a lot of the things that did stick are the blatant examples of fat phobia that was basically everywhere at the time. Tabloids at the supermarket, magazines, TV shows, reality TV, my elementary school teachers trying to lose weight, talk shows, advertising, as well as basically most of the women I was around who were over the age of 16 at the time. I linked a video above on the "Toxic Diet Culture of the 2000s" and I would say that this video among other content that was made on similar subjects are basically unlocking any subconscious memory that 7 year old me tucked away. I found this article by the Guardian to be a very good summary of how I remember the early 2000s based on the fragments my child self held onto: https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2021/mar/06/why-the-00s-were-so-toxic-for-women I think that the fat phobia and the internalized misogny was the things that affected me the most as a child. The internalized misogyny was basically the whole "not like other girls" (NLOG) complex that so many girls my age had at some point or another (I wrote about that a lot, not going to do that in this post). Homophobia I do also remember having \ homophobic and slut-shaming beliefs when I was in early middle school but I feel like I corrected that pretty early on. I still remember being 15 when same-sex marriage was legalized nationwide and how I found it pretty wild that 4 years ago you could go around using the word gay as an insult and use homophobic slurs without things being really questioned but then suddenly it wasn't socially acceptable anymore (speaking from the area I grew up in, I can't speak on other areas. I know places, especially since I live in Texas, that are still wildly homophobic). I still find it wild that it hasn't even been 10 years since the legislature was passed yet we made this much progress in this one area. Sex and Slut Shaming As for slut shaming, I can't say that I encountered much of it. I feel like the peak slut shaming years were before I was really aware of sex (as before the age of 11). I feel like things got much better in the early 2010s. The thing that I remember being really fucking scandelous was teen pregnancy. I remember back then, the reason why I thought being a slut was bad wasn't because of the social reprucussions or the ostracization, rather being a slut was bad because of the possibility of getting pregnant and basically ruining your life. I think I watched waaay too many episodes of "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant" as well as shows such as Dr. Phil and Maury, completely unsupervised as a 9 year old. I think that combined with my parents never giving me the sex talk or talking about contraceptions/safe sex also made sex this scary thing. On top of that, by the time most of my peers were getting used to sex, I was disinterested for the most part since I identified as asexual. Though I was disinterested, I was still afraid of the whole becoming pregnant thing. And frankly, I don't think that has ever left me tbh even though I'm on birth control. Also, the whole Texas banning abortion thing recently doesn't help either. But I do vaguely remember slut shaming from back then even though I was too young to relate or understand what was going on. I do remember the blatant objectification and the way that a lot of women in the media were treated at the time (especially Britney Spears). Whlie I don't remember a lot of the interviews and drama from the time, I do remember the over all atmosphere of judgement, the scandel, and the controversy. Also for some reason, I remember blonde hair, gigantic fake tits that were always in people's faces, and pencil thin eyebrows being every where in the media. I am currently getting an image of Pamela Anderson in my head. I'm pretty sure she and Anna Nicole Smith scared the fuck out of me as a child lol. Trashy TV I did talk about some of the reality shows that remember fixating on earlier in this post. I also remember my mom watching a shit ton of Opera, Dr. Oz, TMZ, and the View. I would tune in with her a lot of the times after school as well just out of pure curiosity. I don't remember much of Opera to say much about her but Dr. Oz (who isn't even a real doctor in the first place) was my mom's justification for weight loss and "healthy eating." That man convinced my mom to be terrified of strawberries for literal years. There was a lot of weight loss shows as well ranging from "The Biggest Loser", "Jamie Oliver's Food Fight", and "Supersize vs. Superskinny." There are a couple of good videos I found dissecting these shows from a more neutral and professional place compared to the early 2000s. Part of me now wonders how tf people let this air because it is sooo fucking dangerous. No wonder everyone and their mom had issues with food. I have also come to the realization after going to the gym for 3 weeks just for fun that the main reason why I hated exercising before was because I had Jillian Micheals voice in my head yelling at me all the time all these years. No fucking wonder I was terrified to go in there and no wonder I would always self sabotague. Like her yelling at someone on a tread mill until they throw up is literally burned in my head to the point where for the longest time I thought that unless I was drenched in sweat and felt sick that I wasn't exercising hard enough. Now that I look back I get that this makes for more exciting and dramatic TV, but irl I can't see this being something that works for most people. Because having that kind of self critique in your head plus over working yoursel in the gym to the point you're absolutely miserable isn't exactly a recipe that's going to keep you consistant with your habits and it isn't what's going to have you coming back for more. I also watched the View recently since they still air on TV and honestly. I thought it was some boomer shit. I don't really have much to say other than it feels like I'm sitting at a table surrounded by old people trying to make sense of things from an outdated lens. I mean, good for you for trying to figure things out and form your opinions but there are some topics that seem so blatantly obvious to anyone who have done a few google searches here and there to educate themselves. Overall, very stale. Blatant Fatphobia Basically I wrote about some of the issues I've had in the past regarding my weight and how it was viewed throught the lens of the time. It feels really weird looking back at some of the pictures of myself from when I was a child. Sure I was a little squishy, but it really wasn't that big of a deal. I feel like a lot of the standards and culture a the time blew things out of proportion. As a result, my self image is really blown out of proportion. I still see myself as the unattractive fat kid that I technically never was to begin with. I feel like there is a part of me that consists of all of the judgements that people made about average bodies in the early 2000s. The video above talks about movies that made fun of women who were average to skinnier and average for not being rail thin. A lot of it was making a big deal over nothing and feeding into a shit ton of psychological neurosis. I guess if I were to put myself on a spectrum from Paris Hilton to Lizzo, from size 0 to plus size, I'm kind of around the area where a lot of the characters who are discussed in the video above are at. And even though those characters are relatively pretty thin, they are often portrayed as anything but since they don't reflect the size 0 ideal at the time. Not only that, but is is framed as something that is incredibly shameful. I think that greatly mirrors my body image. I'm well aware that I don't have the same struggles as someone who has a bigger body.I know that if I complain about my body and how big I feel a lot of people would write me off as delusional and just generally triggering. They are right. I am delusional. It doesn't make sense that I see myself as so big when I fit in a small to extra small most of the time. And why should me being or becoming bigger be something to be ashamed of? It's natural for our bodies to change over time and find different weights to hold as a homeostasis or set point. It's highly unrealistic and damaging to expect anyone to stay the same size forever. There is just a lot of unlearning that I am doing at this point and a lot of things I am digging through.

I personally see it as a red flag if a guy can't just be friends with women.

@Etherial Cat I appreciate the thought but most of my issues with food have more to do with emotional things going on and my poor body image rather than the specific foods I am eating. I also have a bad habit built up over the years of continuously undereating due to always eating low calorie meals. That has been catching up to me nutritionally in the form of some deficiencies as well as in the form of a damaged metabolism. I haven't tried Hello Fresh before but I have seen many ads about them and it sounds interesting. I might give it a try after graduating college. Currently, much of my food is covered by tuition thankfully since I live on campus .

I've been having issues with food and body image and I found these videos to be pretty helpful:

Update: It went really well. I think I'm going to try to reconnect with the rest of the people from that group.

Learning from Old Relationships So I decided that I was going to reconnect with a friend. I am pretty nervous since I haven't heard from her for years now and I really don't want it to be awkward. I'm mainly writing this post because I feel like I need to get some of the emotional baggage I associate with this connection off of my chest and also I think it would be really beneficial for me to reflect on how I have changed and grown over the years. 1. One of the main things I think contributed to me drifting off from this person and their group of friends is my grandmother passing away. Funny enough, I'm reconnecting with this person very close to the 6 year anniversary of the event. But basically, I don't have family in the U.S. so me losing my grandmother was like losing a third of my family. It was also the first time I lost someone who I knew personally and who I saw on the daily basis. It was existential crisis inducing to say the least and worst of all, my parents weren't much help when it came to guiding me through how to process grief. I also had a lot of other people in my life pass away during this time and while I wasn't close to them as I was close to my grandmother, it did feel like picking at a wound that wasn't completely healed. As a result, I resulted in coping with this myself. I found myself growing, changeing a lot, and reevauluating a lot of things to where often times I couldn't recognize myself. I drifted from my friends during this time and I found myself never really reconnecting because I just didn't feel like I had much in common with them anymore even though I did really enjoy their company. I stuck around for a while but eventually things just got awkward because I felt like I was getting left out of things so I basically was like *hey we're drifting apart, I'm just gonna go instead of forcing this* 2. Part of the reason why I didn't have much in common with them was because I was basically in this constant state of existential crisis and basically was really emotionally intense. Like I remember that I really craved for a lot of deep conversations and I couldn't let loose at the time because basically, since I was at my late teens, my emotional depth perception and ability to process things critically was coming online developmentally lol. Ultimately, I just found myself not being able to emotionally relate to them. This has also caused me to get into some not so healthy dynamics with other friends where we basically bonded with each other on the basis of trauma and I was the therapist friend. I wouldn't say that these were toxic people or that we were in a toxic relationship, but it wasn't healthy and I didn't want it to get to that point where we resented one another so I cut things off first. I felt like I was emotionally a different stage of my life compared to my old friends. 4. I really felt like I needed to get my life together. I didn't think it was right for me to lean on this group of friends and I feel like I was doing the absolute most. Also, when we were in our teens, I highly doubt they were in the position to help me much because they didn't have the life experience or the skills to help me through some situations like dealing with grief. That isn't their fault, that is normal in their stage of emotional development. I would place the fault more on my parents because as adults, they should have the skills to help me in a constructive way to where I wouldn't need to feel like I needed to turn to my friends for life advice. I always had the intention to come back ot this group of friends. But I promised myself that if I were to come back, I'll come correct. And even though I don't have my life all the way together, I do think I'm in a significantly better place now to where I can be a good friend without the dynamic becoming unhealthy. Why do I think I'm in a better place now: 1. I can be vulnerable enough to communicate my boundaries as well as my needs in a relationship: Back then in like 2016-2018, I was incredibly emotionally closed off. I thought that showing emotion was a weakness and that I was overreacting when I didn't feel good in a situation. This fear of vulnerability wasn't this fuzzy thing that simply caused me to not get close to people but it was something that prevented me from effectively communicating. There were times in this relationship that I look back now and I cringe a little because so much could have been solved with a couple of conversations (albeit not so fun and kind of awkward conversation that my 16 year old self didn't want to have and didn't know how to have). 2. I sorted through a lot of my familiy issues. This was a huge source of stress when I was in high school and being able to go to college and get professional help was honestly life changing. I can't say that all of it is sorted through, but enough of it is to where I can be self aware about problems that may arise and deal with it in a healthy and proactive way. A lot of the issues I have at the moment are much more pandemic related and I think I'm in a good place as far as dealing with this goes. 3. I learned that I'm much better in one-on-one dynamics or small groups of people than friend groups that consisted of 5+ people. I find that having small groups of 3ish or hanging out one-on-one is so much healthier for me because it's easier to focus and get to know a person. Also, just in general when it comes to larger groups, I often find myself shrinking down, not because of any insecurities, but because I want everyone to have a voice and I'm too busy trying to listen to everyone than to speak. As a result, it becomes more difficult for people to get to know me. It's also easier to gage reciprocity without it turning into a competitive thing when you are dealing with less people. 4. I have gotten and am getting professional help. I noticed that when I started going to therapy that there was a lot of weight lifted off of my relationships because I can focus on having more lighthearted conversations when I had a specific professional I go to with my issues who can actually help me much momre than my friends could. That's not to say tha my friends cannot support me throught things, but it is to say that professional support just hits different. 5. I have healthy relationships in my life that are basically proof that I can sustain something like this. I also have more skills when it comes to dealing with conflict, asserting myself, and getting out of situations that no longer serve me. I'm not trauma bonding to people. I'm not getting my issues triggered. I'm communicating my needs and boundaries directly. So I'd say I'm doing well. 6. I got a lot of my attachment issues under control. I had an extrememly anxious attachment style mixed in with being dismissive avoidant. Later, when I dealt with my anxious attachment style, I swang to the other end and became rather emotionally unavailble. Though I still have a few anxious and avoidant tendencies here and there, I do have a better idea as to how to deal with them in the rare occasion that they resurface. 7. I think it was important for me to distance myself for a little bit to grow into who I am supposed to be instead to confining myself in familiar dyanamics with people. I have reconnected with people in my past before and I would say taking that break and giving one another that space to be authentic to ourselves, go after what each of us want without restrictions (i.e. going off to college across the country, investing time in other relationships etc.), and grow independently from one another was necessary for each of us to be better rounded and more secure in ourselves. Then, when we did reconnect, it actually turned out better than where we left off.

Mild Depression I have been feeling better since I have last posted this but the mild depression is still there. I think a lof of it also has to do with me not taking as much time for myself as I normally would. I have had a pretty packed schedule lately where I plan out my day by the hour. The only "me" time I have been getting lately is the bare minimum time I need to take care of myself (i.e. an hour for breakfast, 30 min for lunch, an hour for dinner, some time to take a shower, an hour to work out, some time to meditate). And while I do like that time for myself, I often feel like I'm recharging to do more work rather than spending quality time with myself wher I can let myself relax, do something creative, or just watch whatever tf is in my YouTube watch later playlist. The last few days I have been making the point to basically do the bare minimum when it comes to the tasks I have and I think I really needed that. And speaking of taking time for myself, last Thrusday I skipped all of my classes because I emotionally felt like I needed it. My study abroad trip I had planned for Japan fell through. There were 5x as many applicants as they normally have and they simply didn't have enough spots. I get a feeling that it likely has to do with how it is the most affordable program my school offers and everyone is itching to get out the area provided that they won't spend a fortune due to the pandemic. It was really disappointing. I found out on Wednesday night and I spent Thursday not going to class but letting myself feel and process as well as just take the day slow so I can take care of myself through this. This was something that I have been wanting to do for years but because of the pandemic, this fell through, not once, but twice. But the good thing is that I got to know about this news early. There is also a chance that the program won't happen in general because Japan's borders are closed. That day I woke up at around 9, took a long shower, and then went on a walk. I decided to stop by Starbucks and get an iced matcha latte and their chicken pesto sandwiches. I spent much of that day relaxing and then at 2 I went to the study abroad office to figure out where to go from there. Turns out I can do another program instead so I decided to do the one in London instead since it's the only program that satisfies my degree requiremtents. I have mixed feelings about it if I'm going to be completley honest. Then I had a couple things planned with my friend and there was also an event on campus with the art museam that's near by, so I went to that. I also ate plenty of chocolate for Valentines Day from a friend who gave some to me. She also gave me this bag of strawberry chocolates and those are so good. Overall, it was a good day. I don't regret skipping all of my classes that day. I really needed it. But that day and how I felt afterwards made me realize that part of the mild depression is likely me being tired and not spending unstructured time with myself. I need rest from my daily activities as well as the things I'm dealing with in the back of mind that I listed above. I also need to take that rest in an environment that has people who are just healthier to be around (so basically, me doing nothing at home during break doesn't count because of my household).

There are pleanty of people who are neurodivergent or not conventionally attractive but they don't turn into incels. Especially when it comes to the neurodivergent thing, there are a lot of stereotypes on how neurodivergent people can't empathize and how they are awful to be around. There isn't anything wrong with struggling with dating or coming late to the party when it comes to being sexually active. What separates incels from those who have issues wtih dating and those who are virgins at a later age is the ideology they have come up with and how it fuels bitterness and misogny. I agree that we shouldn't dehumanize incels and see them as subhuman, but it's also important to hold them accountable for their actions and lack of empathy and not blame it on neurodivergence and unfortunate looks. Blaming the actions and the ideology of incels on not getting laid, being neurodivergent, not being conventionally attractive etc. does a disservice to the normal individuals who deal with such things and stigmatizes their issues and it resolves accountabilty of incels.

Find out what is causing the anxiety through contemplation, therapy, journaling, meditation etc. Find out where the anxiety began. Than can give you clarity on how it came about, what you need etc. Being gentle with yourself and taking care of yourself physically and emotionally Validating those feelings of anxiety because they do come from somewhere and it is your psyche's way of protecting you and warning you Depending on the situation but exposure therapy can help (That's whn you expose yourself to the stressor in small doses and build it up until you aren't scared of said thing),

New To Do List Health Related: Had some blood results come back weird before. Part of it had to do with my doctor overprescibing me iron pills and the other part has to do with some of my unhealthy eating habits back. Either way, I need to deal with this. Get more bloodwork done: I had to get the iron to exit my system for the last few weeks but now I need to figure out where I stand. Go to a nutritionist to figure out wtf I'm supposed to do: My eating habits and my relationship with food is not the best at the moment and I think that professional guidance according to my health situation can clear up some of the misconceptions I have been having. Stop associating thinness with health: My health is more important even if I do gain weight. Limitting Beliefs/Other Emotional Issues: Mourn your college experience both socially and academically/careerwise: I have been dealing with a lot of FOMO and self deprecation surrounding not living my best life in college due to a variety of pandemic related issues. I'm still in the process of doing this and I feel that much of my imposter syndrome as of this moment has more to do with FOMO rather than a feeling of incapability. Deal with the constant feeling of not being enough in the back of my mind: Just to list my delusional thoughts out I feel like I'm not doing enough to be excelling in school to be successful after graduation, I feel like I'm not thin enough to be attractive or healthy. (the weight thing really fucks me up tbh) I feel like I'm not diligent enough with my work or that I'm not strict enough. I feel like I'm not interesting enough or have enough of a personality based on how college has gone. I feel like me doing a good job isn't enough because I'm not beating the person next to me. (I know this is super stage orange but that's the environment I'm currently in and even though this isn't what I believe logically, it is still something affecting me at the moment emotionally) I feel like I'm not doing enough unless I'm really high functioning as someone with ADHD. I often feel like I look too neurodivergent. I feel like I'm not healed enough or that I'm too neurotic, or that I express myself emotionally too much. Note: I think a lot of this has to do with my recent life experiences as well as my current environment at the moment. Deal with your body image issues: I started gaining weight since I have started eating like a normal person again and it's messing with my head. I'm working with a therapist when it comes to this issue. Mourn your family relationships that you are planning to let go: THERAPY Talk about your mild depression and how you tend to mentally check out: THERAPY Additional Things: Figure out ways to deal with revenge bedtime procrastination Carve out more time for yourself to not only rest but just to be and enjoy your time BLOG! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maintain Things in My Life: I do have a lot of good things going on at the moment and I think I just need to keep going and stay consistent. These are not items to be checked of rather they are things that I need to keep being mindful of going forward hence why they aren't bolded and are separted from the rest of this post. Maintain a consistent eating schedule and be mindful of self deprecating thoughts. Mauntain healthy coping skills Maintain the relationships you have with your friends and make it a point to spend time with them Maintain my current workout schedule Maintain the internship I have Maintain good grades

I tried a few more machines in the last few days. I'm also feeling out how the weights effect me because of how sore I got the last time. Basically I learned that just because you can doesn't mean you should. Adjustments: Dumbell Chest Press and Dumbell Curls: I was going 17.5-20lbs before and while I can do that, the soreness I got from that was not worth it. I've been using 15lb dumbells lately and while it isn't as challenging as I would like, I do have better form and I don't feel miserable the next day. Horizontal Leg Press; I didn't change the weights but I am doing 4 sets instead of 6 and I feel like that has been more reasonable for me. Trying New Things: Leg Curl: 110 lbs for both legs, 55lbs for one I confused the leg curl machine with the leg extention one and I embarrassed myself a couple times. But the change from always using the leg extention was nice. Chest Press Machine: 60-70lbs I tried this one out and I was surpised on how much I could do mainly because when I do dumbell chest presses, I usually only do 30lbs total (15lb dumbells on each arm). I guess things like gravity and maintaining a certain center of gravity with the weights also comes into play. I guess the same coule be said about doing dumbell flyes vs doing flyes on the machine. Machine Flyes: 50lbs When it comes to dumbell flys I usually do 15lbs which amounts to 7.5lb weights on each arm. So there is a big differece again due to things like gravity as I talked about with the chest press machine. Donkey Kick Machine: 80lbs The first time I tried it, I looked like a whole fool because I didn't know how to adjust the thing and it was set on the tall people setting. My legs couldn't properly reach back there lol. But this time I figured it out and I had someone help me, I did enjoy using this machine but I don't think I would want to use it when the gym is crowded because I don't want to deal with people staring. Tricep Pulldowns: 30-42.5lbs. I find a lot of the pulley exercises fun to do. Gonna admit, I have no idea what I'm going. I just do the thing where you pull down the bar towards you and it pulls back up after a rep. I noticed that the way that the bar is shaped can impact how many reps I can do and how much weight I can handle since sometimes I'm in an uncomfortable position. So... that's something to be mindful of. There is also another thing that I saw in the same area which is where you sit down and you pull the thing towards you. I really like that one too. I don't know what that particular exercise is called but I was enjoying myself. I use about the same weight as when I do the tricep pulldowns.

wait.. @Leo Gura so you can see everyone's pm's?

@flume Oh I definitately agree. I am currently working with my therapist on this and recent events that have triggered this in me. I'm also more than happy to message you.

So basically, I have been dealing with restrictive eating for a very long time. While I'm not underweight, my metabolism is really messed up and I'm starting to get different nutritional deficiencies. I have been letting myself eat whatever I want and while I have noticed my mood and my concentration be more consistant and stable, I have been trying to unlearn a lot regarding moralizations with food (i.e. labeling foods and good or bad and beating yourself up for eating a certain way). I find myself feeling guilty when I eat "junk food" (namely bread and chocolate). It's to the point where if I eat more on one day, I have this tendency to want to restrict or skip meals the next day. Also, I feel like the whole intermittent fasting thing that I did for a while along with not consistently eating at the same time threw off my regular hunger cues from an hour to hour basis. I know that I have disordered eating habits and a messed up relationship with food. But a lot of people dismiss me (and at times I tend to invalidate myself) because I'm not skin and bones, I'm about +10lbs overweight (at least fromt the last time I checked). I know that weight isn't the primary indicator of health for a variety of reasons but I have been conditioned to believe so. I do have a lot of muscle mass but I am squishy around the edges. I'm self conscious about not being toned and for not being skinny in general. The thing that messes me up the most is how my stomach isn't flat and how my chest makes me look much bigger than I am. I have been eating more than usual and since my metabolism is messed up, I did gain some weight. My clothes don't fit the same way they used to and I can feel my waist and my chest get 2 inches bigger. I know most people can't notice but my clothes fit tight and it isn't comfortable. It feels like a constant reminder of me "letting myself go." I currently feel really disgusted with my body even though when it comes to my relationship with food, I am doing better health wise. Physically, I feel like a blob. As a result, ther is a part of my mind that is telling me to abort mission and go back to restricting food and starving myself. I'm mainly writing this out so that I can vent and reflect. Thankfully I have friends who are very supportive emotionally and when it comes to my goal to have a healthier relationship with food. I'm planning on doing more bloodwork as well as get a few appointments with a nutritionist as well. I feel like I'm making progress but in the last couple weeks or so, the whole feeling disgusted with my body thing is really getting me.

I skipped the workout today because I was dealing with a lot of back pain from the day before. I'm pretty sure it was due to general muscle soreness but I just wasn't feeling it today. I slept in a little and I feel so much better. I really needed that.

@something_else I guess it can depend from person to person. I know for me personally, loud areas where I can't actually engage with a person and where I'm constantly getting over stimulated can be pretty overwhelming. I suppose I need to draw more of a distinction from generalized anxiety an social anxiety since for me, they tend to go hand in hand.

That doesn't make sense. Animals aren't nearly as conscious as humans and they too can fall prey to health issues. I guess what I'm trying to say is that justifying sickness and health and applying a moral value to it (in this case consciousness and awareness) can lead to things such as ableism and at worst eugenics. Especially in philosophy, there is a whole history of how white men have tried to paint things such as health, restrictive diets, and thinness as a sense of moral superiority (i.e. I'm fasting and restricting what I'm eating, therefore I'm more disciplined and more conscious). Of course, if there is a health issue you need to tend to, tend to it. And if you think altering your diet is the way to do that, do that with professional supervision. But don't expect other people's bodies to respond the same way and definately don't think that it has anything to do with their level of consciousness or that their health situation says anything about what they are like as people.

If the anxiety is that overwhelming, I wouldn't recommed going to a club right away. That's like going from 0-100 without anything in between. You can practice your socialization skills at work, school, restaurants and a variety of other circumstances. Sure, try clubbing, but if it's too anxiety inducing and you're not enjoying it at all, it's best to respect those boundaries and do things gradually. I thought I would especially emphasize that point about not forcing things because from what I can gather from the first post, OP is acting from a place where they are trying to force having a personality instead of trying to explore the one they have. And especially when you feel like you're a blank slate, self discovery is so important and part of that is indentifying what you do and don't like rather than forcing yourself into situations that are simply not in allignment.