soos_mite_ah

Kardashain Memes I Associate with Sections on this Forum So after taking a break from this forum, I feel like I have a clearer mind. I also feel like sometimes we all take this place and our journey to be more conscious a little too seriously at times to where it sometimes gets in the way of relatability. Plus I just like memes lol. Self Actualization: Dead ass, I feel like I started realizing shit in 2016 and I haven't stopped since lol Meditation, Consciousness, Enlightenment, Spirituality: Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship: Dating, Relationships, and Sexuality: Health, Fitness, Nutrition: Serious Emotional Problems:

Granted this is the only forum I'm really on but I will say that I feel like I'm pretty cool with the mods here and that they usually have well balanced interactions. I know one of my friends irl who has been on a variety of internet forums and is a mod in many of them and this person has shared me stories about what somethings they have to put up with behind the scenes which I found intriguing. This is also a person who I considered well balanced and takes well thought out action so as a result, I suppose from my positive experiences with mods on and offline that I do have a good image of them. I think depending on who is chosing the mods and what forums you're on, the quality of mods can vary but generally speaking, there is a reason why some people are mods and why some aren't and it's perfectly understandable to have some form of regulation on a forum.

Spiral Check April 2022 So I decided to revist where I might be on the spiral since it's been a minute, I don't have much inspiration to write but I want to write anyway, and because why tf not. I took the things that I still had left over since I have last written about the topic and deleted the excess stuff that I feel doesn't resonate with me anymore for the sake of clarity and conciseness. I will say, I have my doubts on how much I have progressed, not as an individual since I do feel like I have grown considerably in the last 6 months or so, but in terms of SD. I suppose a lot of it has to do with both me taking a step back from spirituality as well as me not actively using SD as a model, therefore I'm taking a more passive *let me just ease into the stages naturally* approach rather than a more active place where I look at how I need to grow according to spiral dynamics and having that map out my growth. Tbh, I have had other things on my plate that I don't think that SD cleanly aligns with. And that's okay. And to me, I would characterize my "head empty, no thoughts* era as one where I stop ruminating about things and just let myself be in the present moment. It's also about me making the conscious decision to not stress or overthink and overanalyze things because at some point, it doesn't produce anymore insights rather it just becomes a marathon of mental gymnastics that leaves you exhausted mentally and emotionally. And at this point, I would say it's fairly easy for me to meditate for a lengthy amount of time and see it something that is purely restful rather than something that I need to work at. If anything, I need those *head empty, no thoughts* part of my day to function as a person lol. I don't think I have "transcended the mind." I wouldn't dare say that I have dealt with the issues that come with stage yellow sufficiently enough to be beyond that stage. Part of me wonders if I am actually dealing with this or if this is a response to me being mentally exhausted by the stuff going on in the world and just being a university student who is ready to graduate instead of being surrounded by information 24/7. I will say that being at stage green/yellow through my college years has caused me to take in a lot academically and find a lot of fulfillment in being a student. I feel like if I was at any other shade of the other stages or if I came to college prematurely that it just wouldn't hit in the same way. Another part of me wonders if this is me hitting some type of stage yellow wall that is coinciding well with me transitioning into life after college. I guess only time can tell and that I graduate and go into this next stage of my life to see if this is manifesting in a healthy way or if this is just me dissassociating from information overload. Because tbh, when I think of emptying my mind and how I sometimes feel when I do it, I feel like this clip from Spongebob and I highly doubt that's highly consicous stage turquoise lol. https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoExamples/MentalWorld#video-link Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) September 2021: I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. April 2022: Again, since I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era, I can't really say I'm at a place where I am inventing futuristic solutions. I still feel like I have a lot to learn as far as things like work experience and life experience goes before I can reach the expertise to do something like that. I don't think this has to do with a lack of commitment to my purpose or issues with my ADHD now that I'm no longer in the same depressing/self loathing slump I was at a few months ago.

@mojsterr already happened. It was Sonia Sotomayor We haven't had an Asian person in the Supreme court though

Also, on a lighter note, this reminded me of something: Just watch the part from 3:04-3:18 lmaoooo

A lot of spiritual practices have historically prohibited women from participating or saw spirituality as mainly a male only thing because of this notion that men are the only ones who are concious and rational. And while that has been a significant amount of progress over the years, I'm sure that the legacy of that history still continues in the form of notions such as "we can't trust women, they are hysterical."

It's good that he can reflect on it but at the same time did he address how exactly he is trying to heal/ deal with this issue? if not, it's probably more of an excuse than a reason. And ngl, the whole iT'S toO mUCh PrEsSUre feels like a classic fuckboy line.

@trenton I mean, it's an indication and by product of progress but at the same time it isn't the progress itself. Still, it's worth celebrating but it's important to acknowledge that this by no means indicates that something like racism is over because it is more symbolic than anything.

Doing something like this intentionally or him not caring is basically the same thing There are a lot of people who apologize not because they are actually sorry or feel bad about hurting you or the situation, but because they feel bad about how this is affecting their self image. In other words, some people apologize not to take accountability but to simply not feel like the bad guy in the situation and have someone validate that. My question is, to what extent did this person do and show any amount of self reflection in this situation? Did he just say sorry or did he go into why he did what he did and how he resolved his issues? If it's the former, I wouldn't take it at face value. I need assurance that this person knows what they did wrong and what measures they have taken to deal with that issue so it doesn't repeat again (i.e. maybe he was pulling this shit because he was insecure and didn't know how to communicate so now he corrected that by doing x, y, and z and he knows how to take preventative measures because he knows himself better). Apologies don't mean much if the person does not change their behavior. If they apologize and they keep doing what they are doing, that's not an apology, that's just manipulation.

I'm in this video and i don't like it.

If she's lying about having a boyfriend, that's still a "no I'm not interested" which means you should leave her alone.

@Noahsteelers34 oh hell no.... see that's the problem. Tea tree oil dries the fuck out of your skin causing your skin to go into overdrive to produce oils which in turn causes more acne. For many people, tea tree oil is waaay too harsh on the skin. You want to opt for a gentle, fragrance free cleanser and moisturizing that is suited for your skin type. If you want to go the extra mile granted there arent any cuts on your skin that could be irritated, you can opt for a serum with niacinamide. This helps prevent additional breakouts and heal any previous scarring you might have. Also, don't touch your face or pick at it. Finally, for an exfoliator, you would want to do this once a week, no more because it can be too harsh. It takes the dead skin off the surface so you can start fresh. You want to get a gentle chemical exfoliator. Dont get the physical exfoliators with the tiny grains. Those will further irritate the acne.

what's your skincare routine?

There isn't such thing as an inherently toxic person but we all take on the role as the toxic one at one point or another in our lives. That's perfectly normal because I mean, we aren't always in the right 100% of the time. Knowing when you're being the toxic one has to do with being able to self reflect and take accountability when people are calling you out on your bullshit. It also involves learning and educating yourself on the people around you or perspectives you haven't encountered before (i.e. don't be homophobic, racist, sexist, etc.). Another indicator can be how much drama follows you around interpersonally in your life over the years. If there is a consistent trend, you might be the toxic person or you might have the tendency to entertain other toxic people. Either way, you need to have the self awareness to deal with it. That said, while we can all be toxic to some extent, the really toxic people won't take accountability for their actions, assume everyone else is the problem, and won't try to better themselves at all. Asking how will you know if you're toxic is kind of like asking how you will know if you're stupid. The stupid one's don't know what they don't know so they go around assuming they are geniuses. Similarly, toxic people can often have this image that they can do no wrong and that they are angels when really they are anything but because they go around blaming others and making excuses for themselves.

To Do List 3/26 Deal with the constant feeling of not being enough in the back of my mind: Just to list my delusional thoughts out I just straight up hate what my body looks like I feel like me doing a good job isn't enough because I'm not beating the person next to me. (I know this is super stage orange but that's the environment I'm currently in and even though this isn't what I believe logically, it is still something affecting me at the moment emotionally) A lot of this also comes from a place of being afraid of graduating and finding a job that will support me financially while not sucking my soul dry and having the credentials to get that type of position. Deal with your body image issues: Much of the stuff I've been trying to sort out has to do with this but the thing is that it's pretty personal to me hence why I am not writing about it the same way I would write about other things in my journals. Prioritize self care: i've been busy as usual and while this isn't anything new, I think I can use the reminder every now a Prioritize just general enjoyment in your life: I have come to the relization a while back that much of the stuff I do to relax and enjoy myself mainly consists of self care things that basically have the end goal of recharging me so that I can continue working.....I don't want to live like that lol. Our time off of work isn't meant for us to recharge, it's meant for us to enjoy and celebrate our lives. This could be a whole post in my main journal but this is just something I'm observing that could really help me deal with a lot of things emotionally and give me a sense of fulfillment. Give yourself the space to deal with the day to day emotional labor you go through: Recently, I found out someone I once went to school with died and my uncle has a tumor in his kidney. I'm also trying to figure out exactly wtf I'm doing with my life regarding careers, moving, maintaining relationships, dealing with family etc. as well as figure out my dysfunctional relationship with my body. And some of those things take time to figure out as well as things like trial and error and don't get me started on logistical stuff. Overall, I think I need to prioritize a sense of lightheartness in my life because I feel like I have so much that I'm tackling at once both in terms of my day to day work load but also just personally as far as going through life transitions go.

@Michael569 I think that is a very valid point when it comes to comparison in general. I also think depending on what we workout and what our genetics are that different people start out in different places as well so really yourself to anyone is comparing apples to oranges (not to mention that you don't know what's going on behind closed doors or people's mind state). I'm starting to notice and question this more as I have been reframing the way I see myself when it comes to fitness. I know especially when I was a kid, don't know if other countries do this, but we had this standardized fitness test that basically judged where you were compared to all of your classmates. And while I don't want to critique that whole thing mainly because my knowledge on fitness is pretty limitted and as a result, I don't know all of things that are wrong with this approach. But I will say that those tests as well as how gym class was often framed growing up basically convinced me that I was a pile of squish with little atheletic ability that wasn't capable of doing much. But yeah, doing weights is making me rethink that whole notion because of what I'm capable of and how I'm progressing. I am planning on branching out to other forms of working out later on but I guess I wasn't as aware as to where my strengths literally were and I was incorrectly comparing myself to others and assuming that I wasn't a good job when that's just not what my body is accustommed/ adapted to (kind of like the example that you talked about in your comment). Also, there's no need to apologize for posting on my journal. Especially when it comes to working out, I don't have the best idea as to what I'm doing so having additional input is helpful more than anything. Plus I just like talking to people on here.

That makes sense. Yeah, the thing that I'm doing right now, I can't have a conversation with someone with that kind of incline lol. I started with doing 12 incline, 3mph, for 15 minutes after finding out about this whole trend that's going around lately. I'm pretty sure it started as a social media challenge but it's the 12-3-30 routine (12 incline, 3 mph, 30 min). I just thought it would be fun to try it out. Yeah, I can't do the 30 minutes in the original challenge. I'm sure if I really tried I could do 20 minutes, but I want to make sure I have more time to do the weights since that's what I really enjoy. Normally I do an hour of weights and if I feel like it (based on how much energy and time I have), I might add 10-15 minutes of walking. I thought about getting a PT for a free session at my school. I was originally thinking about doing that to make sure I have the right form so I'm getting the most out of my work outs and so I don't injure myself. Didn't think about the breathing aspect and how breathing properly would help with performance though.

I think focusing on things that I enjoy has been really important in me kick starting this habit and keeping me coming back to the gym consistently. Sometimes it's even something that I look forward to in order to destress. I'm starting to see this become "something I just do" slowly and I feel like once I'm at that poiint, then I can start incorporate things that I'm less excited about like cardio. I'm at about 2 months of consistency so I guess a couple more months will get me to that point. I agree with this and I try to keep myself grounded regarding the biases I might have in my environment and the sample sizes I'm working with that is affecting my perception of the situation and where I fall. Besides the gym, my school (and the surrouding area) just generally has a lot of emphasis on looking a certain way, especially when it comes to women, and it just hits especially hard in this particular gym. There is a whole lot I could go into all of this but that's a post for a different time lol. I'll check that out. Is there a specific speed or incline I should look into? I've recently been trying to do 3 mph for 15 minutes at 12 incline. It's actually kind of challenging because of the incline. When it comes to the weights, I definitely find myself feeling out of breath and having my heart rate go up after a while but I don't mind it too much because it feels much more manageble than just running. I heard that a couple times and how it's especially not effective with those with PCOS because of the cortisol overload. As much as this condition sucks, there is a part of me that likes having yet another excuse to not run lmaoo

Wait... what happened? I'm not on here much so idk what's going on lol

Some Thoughts I'm super excited on how far I'm coming as far as progressing to heavier weights goes. It's pretty empowering tbh. But I will admit, it's a little difficult to fully tap into the excitement because the annoying voice in my head is just like *well you still look the same and if anything you probably look chunkier than last time.* It just feels kind of weird to not base your progress on things like how much you weigh, your measurements, body composition, how you look etc. And I think that's what made it difficult to stick to working out in the past. Because even though I was enjoying whatever workout I was doing in question and was seeing improvement in my ability to do different things, I would still find myself discouraged because I didn't look like the typical image of fitness nor was my body changing to get closer to that ideal. Even with all that hardwork and improvement, I still looked like every "before" picture people post when they do before and afters. I also think these past 2 months helped me see myself as somewhat of an athletic person as well. I think I always considered myself as this pile of squish that couldn't do much when really, I wasn't really using the right metrics. I still suck at anything cardio related, I still can't do a pull up, and I have to do the modified versions of dips and pushups. But at the same time, I can leg press 300 lbs which I think is pretty impressive lol. I feel that this is one of those "if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid" kind of situations. And as a result, I'm really glad that I let myself just do exercises I think are fun instead of making myself feel obligated to do workouts I don't enjoy at all. I think taking the later approach would have killed my desire to go to the gym at all and would have made maintaining this habit unsuccessful and potentially even destructive. Nevertheless, I do still find myself feeling self conscious to a certain extent. I do find myself comparing myself to a lot of the other girls at the gym. Everyone is really skinny and toned with the perfect flat stomach in their overpriced lululemon leggings and sports bras. Meanwhile, I'm over here feeling as if I look like Ms.Trunchbull from Matilda. And I also see a lot of these other girls spending most of their time doing some form of cardio. I know just in general there is this whole notion of cardio burning more calories and therefore helping you lose more weight. And I feel like that goes hand in hand with how there is a general beauty standard to be thin and dainty, toned, but nothing too much. Just to be clear, I don't know what's going on with other people's goals, mindsets, and what they find enjoyable at the gym, nor do I judge them for it. It's none of my business. But I do catch my insecurities turning it's ugly head when I catch myself comparing how much I can lift to other girls. My ego is sometimes springs up and says *I might not look like that but I can lift significantly more than they can* as a way to puff myself up when really I feel somewhat less than them for not looking as "healthy." I'm putting healthy in quotes because I know that I don't have to have a flat stomach or be a certain size to be considered healthy or athletic but nevertheless there is an image that pops up in most people's head when you mention a healthy/athletic girl. I know my goals at the gym have nothing to do with my weight, body composition, how I look etc. for the sake of both my sanity and for my ability to stay consistent with working out. I want working out to be genuinely enjoyable and I don't want to feel like I'm punishing myself. But, there is a thing in my head from years of I guess social conditioning that is telling me that I'm not doing this whole going to the gym thing right. Again, it just feels weird not measuring my progress in the way that most people usually do.

Weights 3.20.22 Tricep Pulldowns: 60 lbs (up from 50 lbs) Leg Press: 300 lbs (up from 250) [I am super excited for this one especially on how fast I reached this goal. I can leg press more than double my body weight at this point] Donkey Kick Machine: 140 lbs (up from 90) [I have no idea what I was on today but I was able to successfully do multiple sets at 140. Super excited nonetheless] Standing Calf Raises; 180 lbs (up from 140 lbs) Leg curls: 100 lbs (down from 115 lbs) [I found out that the last time I recorded this, my form was off and now, in an effort to correct that, I have started using lighter weights] Leg Extention: 150 lbs (up from 120 lbs) Dumbell Chest Press: 20 lbs on each arm (up from 15 lbs) [I noticed that I progress a couple weeks faster on this compared to the dumbell curls] Dumbell Curl: 17.5 lbs on each arm (up from 15lbs) Seated Cable Rows: 70 lbs (up from 55) [forgot to note this exercise down in the previous post]

Also, it's been a year since I started this journal and I think it's really interesting to see how far I have come when it comes to dealing with a variety of things one by one. It felt really incremental and not overwhelming at all. However, looking back, I did deal with a lot of things and covered a lot of ground. And I'm proud of myself for that.

I know I posted an update a few days ago but I realized that I had a couple more things to add/ cross off. I deleted the previous post so it wouldn't be repetitive.

She's the weird one in this situation. There are pleanty of reasons why some people don't drink ranging fromsomething as simple it tastes bad to something more serious like addiction running in their family. Most adults get this so when you tell them you don't drink, they realize it's a personal decision and won't ask any more questions because they don't know how personal the reason is. Don't be a dick about it and do.n't be judgemental on the notion that other people drink. Just a simple "i don't drink" is sufficient. No need to make a big deal out of it If you do encounter people who have a problem with you not drinking and are making a big deal out of it even if you aren't, that's usually not a person you want to deal with. They are not respecting your boundaries and are trying to make you feel ashamed of it. For me personally, I think it's really fucking weird to just expect people to drink or try to get someone to drink after they said no since it's literally a drug. Also, you won't have to "own frame" if you surround yourself with the right, nonjudgemental, respectful people.

No, I would say much of neediness comes from things like trauma, a shitty attachment style, a lack of standards,lack of quality relationships in other areas of life, self esteem issues, etc. because neediness is a form of validation seeking and an inablility to be by yourself. Even if you find yourself in a position where you are getting your sexual needs met, you're still going to be neurotically gripping onto those experience whether it is in the form of clinging onto one person or compulsively looking for sex by sleeping around in an unhealthy way. I personally know a lot of people who are physically and emotionally thristy for sex and relationships but aren't needy, myself included. Sometimes you just go through a dry spell and that's ok. Sure it's a little uncomfortable in the sense you aren't scratching a certain itch but it isn't so bad to where you are willing to throw yourself at people regardless of the outcome. I may be thristy, but I'm not about to drink rat poison to quench that thirst.