soos_mite_ah

@Emerald It's good to have you back, Emerald

The Happiness Spectrum I have been spending the day contemplating a lot of things since it's been one month since I have gotten my job and I wanted to reflect on the ways that I have changed since then, my first impression of adult life after school, and where I want to go from here. I have been revisiting some of Leo's older videos that I have watched as food for thought. One of the videos I revisited was the Happiness Spectrum. I did do a post about this a couple years back reflecting on this topic which I'll quote below and I wanted to do the same thing again to see where I'm at. My 2023 comments are in green.

@Michal__ .... yeah I just have a work out schedule so that the endorphins keep me happy. I do a 10 min workout before work so that I can wake up and start my day. I have a couple of breaks during office hours so I have another 2 10 min workouts then. During my lunch break I like to go on a walk. And then after work I go to the gym for 45 min - 1.5 hours, depending on what I feel. I notice myself feeling stir crazy after sitting for 8 hours and I try to take every opportunity I can get to incorporate some movement and take advantage of my role being so remote. I also make sure that I am engaging with my hobbies, interests, and self education in my free time as a way of taking care of myself emotionally and intellectually. I have a handful of quality, meaningful relationships that I make sure to maintain by talking to people and by hanging out with them a couple times a week. I also volunteer once a week for a cause that I care about so that I can engage with my community and I can interact with people who are not my coworkers. And because I work from home, I am typically able to make healthy meals from scratch with no issue. I think overall I have built a good life for myself. I think that it could be better if I found more fulfilling work that utilizes my interests and values. But hey, I just graduated, and you gotta start somewhere when it comes to experimenting and putting yourself out there to see what's available. And I do think that I have a good start, I'm still adjusting to and processing this transition in my life from being a full time student to being in the professional full time workforce. As someone who has been a corporate girly for a solid month now, I feel like the worst part of corporate/ 9-5 life is the monotony of it. Basically, it's like living in this meme: And thankfully, I can dodge some of that from working from home. I don't have to sit in a depressing, existential crisis inducing beige cubicle (I did work in the office for one day and decided that I never want to do that again lol). I don't have to sit in traffic during rush hour twice a day. I can make meals from scratch during my lunch break because of the time I have and usually I make a little extra so that I won't have to cook dinner. My job is chill enough to where I do have down time between cases and during that time I can do the laundry and some light cleaning and as a result, I don't have a pile of chores waiting for me when I get off at 5. Also, the whole sedentary lifestyle that comes with a lot of full time jobs feels very dystopian, especially for my ADHD self that needs to move around to concentrate. Like we aren't supposed to be living like this where we sit in traffic for 2 hours, where we are hunched over on a computer screen for another 8, and we feel so exhausted by going against what our bodies are meant to do for so long to where we sit for another few hours before we go to bed and start all over. Hence why again, moving my body consistently throughout my day is so important for me. I have it pretty good. But it can still feel montonous. I find myself counting down to 4/5pm and just emotionally checking out in the meantime. And that millions of people have the same 7am-6pm schedule can feel depersonalizing. Like there's just something about sitting in traffic one hour there and one hour back and clocking in/out in the time that most other people do that does make you feel like a drone lol. I think a lot of this are things that I would have encountered if I had taken any other kind of corporate job with standard hours, so I'm not saying this as a way to dig at my current job, but more of as a way to reflect how my life has changed since I have become an adult with a full time job from being a student all my life. However, while I appreciate my job being relatively straightforward while requiring critical thinking, the thought of having to do the same thing day in and day out without my schedule having certain blocks (like I would when I was taking different classes in school) does make my day feel like a monotonous blur.

also I thought this was an interesting video though it is extreme. It talks about how hustle culture can mess with your passion and how I think sometimes your purpose/passion can also turn into a wage slave job when you put all of your eggs in one basket.

So I have been contemplating about somethings regarding my career and financial situation and where I see my life going regarding this. I suppose that this could be a thread of its own but I want to keep things in one place. I believe that I'm well educated in the whole "pyramid scheme" that soceity can be (using this particular phrase because it is one that Leo uses a lot in the video). A lot of it is due to what I ended up studying in university. These are basically the conclusions that I've come to given my life experiences and my education. You are not your job and exhausting yourself for your job and career is rarely worth it. It's okay if your purpose isn't in your career because you can still live a well balanced purposeful life outside of your job. There are so many ways life has meaning. The entrepreneurship path isn't for everyone and there is nothing wrong if you realize it isn't for you. That doesn't make you any less ambitious, creative, or purposeful person. I do, however, see a fulfilling or at the very least stable and sustainable job, as something that is important to aim for. Nothing exists in a vaccuum even if you are an entrepreneur. You will always be a part of the pyramid and there is only so much right you can do. Do what you can to mitigate the damage or get rid of it (take initiative of it) but also know that there is only so much you can do and that you aren't a bad person for contributing to things indirectly. I think that there are many people who can be fulfilled with a 9-5 job because they want to spend their energy else where to find fulfillment and that is fine. Sometimes, a job is just a job. But I do think you need to conciously choose your position whatever they may be, People who unconciously choose to be a entrepreneur and who unconciously choose to be a lawyer are both in the wrong and can both lead unfullfilling lives. At the same time, though being a lawyer was cited as a wage slave job, I feel that if your life purpose or major sense of fulfillment comes from being a lawyer, that isn't a wage slave job. And I think that it can be condescending that you are destined for a mediocre life if you choose a different path where instead of one grand purpose that you choose to follow many different things that give you purpose/ meaning/ personal growth in life. -------------------------------------------------------------- I'm currently in a place where my job is just a job. I don't necessarily see this as a forever thing, but I think that providing myself stability and data points is an important foundation for me to figure out what it is I want. I will say that my current job isn't the thing that fills me up with the most fulfillment and that is something that I'm super interested in. I am hoping that while I am figuring my life out, this job will give me a clearer idea of what I might want to do both in terms of career and lifestyle, savings for a more stable future, and some valuable skills I can add to a resume to advocate for myself while also sharpening skills that I'm already good at. I'm still not sure if I want to go down the career or entrepreneurship route but I will say that especially in the past decade or so, the whole "find your dream job" and the whole "be your own boss" has been over romanticiszed and needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

Can't forget to have all the strength of a raging fire and be mysterious as the dark side of the moon lmaooo

Nice! I wanna hear more female views on this topic. I do feel hesitant to share my views of what makes a good man. I feel that a lot of female feminists feel this way too because sure we can describe toxic masculinity because we often deal with the consequences of that but generally speaking the hesitation comes from the notion of *who am I to define masculinity and manhood when I haven't lived as such* but then because a lot of men lean more orange as opposed to green, you have a bunch of men doubleing down on the age old alpha male narrative. That aside, for conversation's sake, here is my perspective. I feel like all of this has to do with being a good person in general but I will talk about this in the point of view of what I perceive to be a healthy form of masculinity. Not Stoic And what I mean by that is not stoic in the truest sense, because to me that is more of emotional regulation, the ability to detach from things that aren't serving you, and having an emphasis on self reflection. All of that is fine and encouraged. I'm talking about stoicism in the day to day sense that a lot of men tend to internalize which is the whole *men aren't supposed to be emotional* narrative. I think a good man is aware of his emotions, can feel his emotions, can articulate himself (at the very least for communication and connection, creativity is a nice plus), and can regulate his emotions. I think that a lot of men think that men are less emotional than women and I honestly think a lot of that is bs. A lot of men lack self awareness to recognize their emotions, repress them, or have everything come out (including things like stress, sadness, grief etc.) as anger because anger and agression are seen as acceptable and not really like emotions. Cuz lets be real, how many women do you see punch walls when they get upset and how many women will harrass you on the street when they got an answer they don't like? Also, rather than being a lone wolf, a good man knows how to deal with people. He might not be everyone's friend but generally speaking he can atleast get along and empathize with most people. He has quality friends and other deep and fulfilling human connections because part of being brave and being a leader is being brave enough to show your emotions and share about yourself and your vulnerabilities, and a large part of being a leader is knowing how to deal and connect with people given the circumstance. And the last part about circumstance is important because trauma dumping at inappropriate times is not healthy for a singular person or the dynamic as a whole. I felt like I needed to make that last point because I feel like men, when they are told to show emotion, somIt etimes they straw man the whole thing and take it to the extreme because there aren't many examples of healthy emotional regulation and expression in a lot of male dominated spaces and often a lot of relationships as a result only go so deep. Stable and Consistent This is something that I look for in both friends and partners regardless of gender. I believe that a good man can consistently follow up with you and make plans, consistently abide by his values and boundaries, and consistently treat people with dignity, empathy, and respect. I believe that this kind of consistency is the thing that makes most people feel safe, secure, and protected. Empathetically Honest I think that I am talking about empathy a lot in general in this post so I'm not going to elaborate on it too much. But while a good man is honest, he is also empathetic and wise enought to know that just because something is honest, that doesn't mean that you need to say it. I mean, we've all dealt with those people who say "no offense" and say the most vile stuff after that or back up awful things they saw to people by justifying it by saying "I'm just being honest." And I think those statements reflect a lack of empathy, self accountability, and awareness, or in some cases plain common sense. And a lot of that also reflects self honesty as well becasue in my mind self accountability and awareness falls under that category. Committed to Self Education / Is Open minded This is not limitted to getting a formal education or reading a lot, but it can also include putting yourself out there and trying something new or engaging with different people and persepectives. I think that shows strength, bravery, and initiative. This also means taking information from quality sources and generally knowing better than you know being an Andrew Tate fan.

I have one A good man proactively protects by creating a safe place for the people around him and those he loves. He creates an environment where people can authentically express themselves and be vulnerable by setting up a foundation of empathy and respect for everyone involved

I scored a 4 but I'm going to be honest, I thought that the test is pretty bs and I didn't like the quality of the questions. Firstly, a lot of the questions are contexual. Saying yes to one or the other can't really indicate whether you are narcissistic. Some examples of this include: I have a natural talent for influencing people. vs I am not good at influencing people. I am assertive. vs I wish I were more assertive. (This and the previous question might just be people evaluating their personality traits and figuring out what they want to work on) I insist upon getting the respect that is due me. vs I usually get the respect that I deserve. (I get that this question is asking about entitlement but you could also look at it as your ability to advocate for yourself or others. It depends on how you define respect. Some people define showing respect as acknowledging the authority of a person and others define showing respect as treating people with basic human decency) I don't care about new fads and fashions. vs I like to start new fads and fashions. (This can be interpreted as some people's interests. Some people are interested in trends and find it enjoyable to partake in it or find new creative ways of doing things) Next, a lot of the questions can be misconstrued to where people might confuse having a healthy sense of self and a postive self image as being obessive with oneself. And those are two very different things. I also find these questions to be rather one dimensional because while people think of grandiose narcissists as the first image that pops up when they hear the word narcissist, covert narcissists are 100% a thing and they do not get talked enough about because they can seem at odds with the grandiose narcissist even though they are just as self obsessed. It's like comparing incels with Donald Trump. Trump is a classic grandiose narcississt, but incels are more of the covert varient because their extremely poor self image and victim mentality is simply their way of being myopically self centered the same way the grandiose narcissist is. Some examples of this include: I am going to be a great person. vs I hope I am going to be successful. (The first doesn't have to be about having a grandiose vision of yourself. Believing that you are capable of doing great things can also just be a symptom of having good self efficacy) Compliments embarrass me. vs I like to be complimented. (I think it's fine to admit that you like compliments. I feel like being embarrassed with compliments consistently can point to low self esteem and social anxiety in a lot of cases) My body is nothing special. vs I like to look at my body. (Sometimes people have good body image, that doesn't mean that they are obsessed with how they look) And finally, some of the questions are so on the nose to where I highly doubt a actual narcissist would admit to it. I feel like it paints a charicature of narcissism rather than accurate representing it. Which is why I think it isn't wise to put a lot of emphasis on online tests beause only a professional can only determine certain things. Don't get me wrong, there isn't anything wrong with taking quizes for funsies but that's all they are lol. Some examples of this include: I get upset when people don't notice how I look when I go out in public. vs I don't mind blending into the crowd when I go out in public. I find it easy to manipulate people. vs I don't like it when I find myself manipulating people. I try not to be a show off. vs I will usually show off if I get the chance. I am much like everybody else. vs I am an extraordinary person.

The first few months I heard was the hardest because you need learn how to use their software and hope to god you don't give the clients the wrong information regarding their questions about the software even though you're a newbie at it. I don't know how the monotony would exactly effect me just yet since I'm still in training but I do know that I'm still trying to get used to being seated for like 8 hours a day. Honestly by the end of it, I catch myself craving some kind of physical activity, whether it is going on a walk or going to a gym, because or else I feel like I'm going to go stir crazy. They don't care so long as your work gets done. I might have to go into the office a couple times in a month and I have the option to come in more often if I think that will help me be more productive. I went to the office once. It was very beige and the empty cubicles were existential crisis inducing lmao (they were empty because the vast majority of people work from home). I am trying to make my hours 7am-4pm instead of the standard 8am-5pm so that I can get in the habit of waking up early and so that I can have more of my evenings free (and if I were to go anywhere after work, the traffic won't be crazy). Usually after work I go the gym, once a week I go volunteer, and there are a couple of days in the week that I try to do something social so that I can continue keeping in touch with people and I get in some face to face contact lol. I also have an hour for lunch and I notice that it takes me about 30 minutes to cook something from scratch and eat that and the remainder of the 30 minutes is just for me to chill. As for during work, there isn't too much time for me to sit there in a head-empty-no-thoughts state because I have to consistently log in my time for their productivity reports. I feel like all things considered, I could probably have 2 hours to myself in the evening just to do whatever I want, whether it be self care, read something, watch something interesting on YouTube etc. I was also thinking of spending this time doing things such as checking in with myself, journalling, and I guess figure out what I want to do with my life. I think it would be great if this is a job that I enjoy because the company seems pretty healthy and there are growth opportunities in my position so I would have something that is mapped out for a long term basis. But I'm also not naive to think that this is going to be a company I'm going to spend forever in because careers, especially now, can be subject to a lot of change especially when you're still figuring things out. To be honest, I came out of college wanting a relatively chill job and decent pay/benefits so that I can be more independent. I wasn't thinking too much about a career because that felt overwhelming and in a way limiting. I have an idea of what purpose filled work that utilizes my talents look like but I have yet to figure out a tangible way to carry it out. So in the meantime, because my main concern is have decent pay/benefits and I don't have a particular career in mind and I don't have a set thing that I wanted to do, I thought that I'd just throw random things at the wall to see what sticks, see what options I get, and just go from there. Because the advice I got was mainly along the lines of "If you aren't sure, instead of sitting there idley, try things and go from there but make sure that you don't let yourself get treated badly in the process." That, and be openminded to career paths you didn't consider or you haven't heard of before instead of having a one track mind. And the best way to do that is have an intention of where to go / a general sense of direction and know what your next step is. You don't need to know what the ultimate destination and there is no point in stressing yourself out over steps that are in the distant future that you can't account for yet because you don't know what life will throw at you in the meantime, both in terms of challenges, opportunities, and changes and priority.

I am trying to save at least 75% of my income for the next 6 months (the other 25% or less is for pitching in around home to get used to that kind of responsibility as well as recreational stuff such as hanging out with friends). My goal is to one day have 6 months worth of expenses saved up. I don't know how much that would be because I am living at home and don't really have bills of my own to pay, but my intention is to see how much I have saved once I finish moving into my own place. Also I do have the intention on cutting off my family eventually. I don't know when that will be or how that will go down but part of me feels indebted to them. They paid for my college and basically let me use their credit card for any purchases I need. They did this because they didn't want me to feel pressurized to work so that I could focus on school and even though I did have a couple of jobs during college, they put all of that money into savings and into a retirement account. So even though I guess I could have paid for everything on my own, they insisted that I use their money instead. I know some of this might sound odd because the west is very individualistic, but relying on your parents through college and living with them until you are married is pretty common in South Asian culture. I doubt that they will ask me to pay them back but since I do feel indebted to them, I will be honest, I act like a person who is in debt and I am saving up as such. This is a whole thing that I'm trying to unpack as it has to do with culture clashes, weird family dynamics I'm trying to distance myself from, and some trauma regarding me feeling like a burden to my parents even though they have never financially struggled or guilt tripped me about money. As a result, I do tend to be quite frugal with my money Idk I just thought I'd talk about this here since I am exploring my relationship with money and since it naturally came up after I started writing about the car.

Emotional To Do List 1/29/2023 These are some things that aren't in the list above that I am dealing with a therapist and that I want to emotionally be mindful of. I feel like the above list is largely stuff that I want to do to build myself externally wheras this is more internal stuff on the day to day. 1. Deal with the economic guilt that I have 2. Deal with my body image issues 3. Feel out your 9/5 job and see in what ways you need to change your life style and habits to accommodate for that 4. Learn to celebrate yourself and your achievements 5. Talk to your therapist more about your current romantic relationship

Posts I want to think about more

I think you can learn a lot from situations that have caused you to suffer if you handled it consciously. But I think it's important to not romanticize suffering as the thing that build someone's character. A person isn't strong because of what they went through, they are strong despite it and they were strong before it. Plus, you can learn the same valuable lessons without going through suffereing and a lot of pain. Being challenged it good, suffering is not.

My First Job Out of College I landed my first job out of college in December and I've been working for 4 weeks so far so I thought I'd make a little post detailing how I feel about this so far. Pros: Benefits and pay is pretty good I'm making roughly $65k a year and I feel that this is pretty good for someone who just graduated college. It's definitely enough to support myself in the Dallas area. I am getting paid hourly so that means they aren't about to overwork me without giving me overtime. I have pretty good health insurance, better than what I had before with my parents. I have bereavement, and maternity leave along with 10 paid holidays, 15 vacation days (= 3 weeks of vacation), and 5 sick days. I feel like this is pretty good considering that I live in the U.S. 90% of my job is remote and the company doesn't care about me coming into the office so long as I do my job. So far I have taken naps, showered, and made lunch and dinner from scratch during my breaks. I'm also so thankful for not having to commute and deal with traffic on the regular basis. I really like the flexibility that I have here. Overall work culture is pretty chill. Generally speaking, I'm not picking up on any red flags here. The one time I went into the office, everyone was super nice and generally it felt like this wasn't a super corporaty environment. At most people were wearing business casual and most people showed up with jeans and a nice shirt and a handful of people had colored hair, visible tattoos and piercings. Overall, this company doesn't give a fuck so long as you're doing what needs to get done. Generally I'm picking up on a good work-life balance. I can tell most people in this company prioritizes having a life outside of work and it doesn't feel like an overbearing culture where people gossip a lot or put a lot of social emphasis on the work climate especially since most people are working from home. The job that I'm doing itself does not seem like super stressful work. Like it seems pretty chill and straightforward but I do think there is a bit of learning curve as you're getting used to their software. But most of the people I'm working with are pretty understanding with that and I don't think people are going to hold it against me. Supervisors seem pretty accomodating and if they can't, they usually have a good reason. Most people stick around in this company for +5 years. I feel like this is a good thing because in the last company I worked at, most everyone was either new or wasn't at the company for longer than 3 years and there was a reason for that. That reason being that the company was over working people and expanding way too quickly to where there was high turnover. And I don't think that this is the case with this company. That isn't to say that these people are stagnant, most of them do have a decent degree of career progression as well. Decent learning and development/ promotion opportunities I am noticing that a lot of people in my position do get a promotion about a year or so into this work and over all I can see a similar path of advancement as far as time lines go. If I do end up loving this job, I will have a lot of clarity in my career. This company does a good job in investing in training for their employees which I really respect. There are also a lot of resources that you can utilize as well which is always a good thing when trying to pick up new skills. Multiple locations Given my nature of work, I feel like it would be pretty easy if I were to move elsewhere to be transferred into a team in a different location. I feel like this can be a huge plus as someone who is fresh out of college and is still figuring a lot of things out. And I mean, one of the main headaches that comes with trying to relocate is trying to find a job in the place you're trying to go and I think that wouldn't be as much of an issue if I were to stay with this company. Cons: Not super well aligned with my values. I do think that the company over all and the people have similar values as me and does spend a lot of time and energy in various social responsibility projects. They also seem to go about in a pretty healthy and authentic way. I also feel that our values align in the way that the work culture operates. However, this company does make software for property management companies and the thought of me helping make a landlord's life easier doesn't really sit well with me lol. I get doing things for commercial real estate because the whole point is for businesses and profits, but I have a whole thing about thinking it's unethical to treat residential properties as some kind of investment because that is something people need to live and is a basic human right. I don't think they are full on unethical but I can see how they can indirectly contribute to things that are harmful. I don't know if I will like the job. I'm currently in training for my role and the job itself doesn't seem too bad but I do get the impression that at times it's going to be repetitive and annoying. I also don't see much purpose filled work here. I think I will know about this better when I actually start working but I'm not too concerned about this because it is a starting point for me to figure out what I want to do and what I like/don't like in a job. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy having decent pay and benefits in a healthy work environment to ease into this next chapter of my life. I also get this feeling I might get bored of this job in a few years lol. Things that would be nice in the future In my future job after this one I think its naive to think that I will be in this company for my entire career trajectory and I think as I learn more about the kinds of roles I want and what is generally out there that it doesn't hurt to have something in mind that is a step up from what I have right now. Unlimitted PTO and sick days OR being in a country that really prioritizes this: While I am pretty content with my PTO package as of right now, I know there are places in this world that have a MINIMUM of 4 weeks PTO (I currently have 3) and has more legal protection regarding minimum maternity leave laws. This is something that I can see caring a lot more in the future especially if I decide to settle down with a family. I feel like moving to a different country is a whole nother thing I could make a post about. Flexible working hours: I heard this was a thing and I would've loved if that was the case for me. I am working for an hourly wage as of right now and it makes sense for my role if I'm going to be honest but I feel that if I were to work in a salaried job that I would expect flexible working hours and a decent work culture so that they don't try to over work me. Paying for grad school: This company does cover a little bit of it but they told me they won't cover it if it doesn't directly have to do with my job. That isn't bad but since I'm still figuring my stuff out, what if I realize that I want to pursue something else? I get that this isn't favorable to the company which I understand but still lol. Something more aligned with my values and has more purpose: See, but at first I need to know for myself what that looks like so while I do have a stable job right now, Imma use that stability to explore what other roles there are out there for me to find more fulfillment. More money: I'm happy with what I have but I mean, why wouldn't I want more as I get older and have more experience off my belt. Over all thoughts: I think that this is a good start considering I am a fresh graduate. I feel pretty good about this job and this company even though I have a couple hang ups here and there. I am very greatful about where I landed because not everyone has it this good after graduating. I am fortunate to be working at a company that has reasonable hours, a chill culture, and compensates me well enough to where I have a lot of peace of mind. I also consider myself incredibly lucky in the way that I only applied to like 10 jobs and I landed this role less than 2 weeks after graduating college.

I think its a matter of knowing how to have proper boundaries with yourself and having the self awareness to recognize when things are taking an unhealthy turn for you. Some people, like those who have devoted their lives to the mental health field, often receive a degree of fulfillment from helping people. Others end up identifying too much with that role to where they find themselves in unhealthy dynamics. Some people learn a great deal from watching the mistakes and life experiences of others and use that information to better their lives. For others, the negativity can affect their psyches too much to where it starts bringing them down. Those are some things off the top of my head. You may resonate with them or not. There are many other ways that people can react to being constantly exposed to negativity and problems and it can manifest in complex ways where experiences can overlap. That's where your self-awareness comes in so you know how it's the best way to deal with it for you personally.

I have taken the BDSM test many times over the years but I thought I'd take it again because I have more data/personal experience to go off of. I never had super crazy results on this test but I never tested 100% for vanilla lol. I feel like this is pretty accurate given what I know about myself so far. I didn't include the rest of it because it would be too long for no reason since everything else was in the single digits.

Future Romantic and/or Sexual Experiences I Want to Have Threesome: I think I want to experience both kinds of threesomes just once. I don't think I would be really into it because while it looks good on screen, I feel like it would feel busy and chaotic irl. But, I do want to see how I would react in that situation. I feel like that's the one thing that I consistently gravitate towards on the occasion I am watching porn. But I have a theory that I feel like this gravitation because regular straight porn is boring for most women since it doesn't depict things that women actually get off on. At least in a ffm she gets head and more than .25 seconds of kissing. And as far as mmf, there is another dick to fill void of actual female pleasure. I feel like as far as reactions go, just in general I'm curious about nonmonogamy because I feel like I could fall into that camp. Speaking of which... Polyamory: I don't see why monogamy has to be the default and I think it can be a healthy and beautiful thing to have multiple romantic relationships at once because it gets rid of the notion that only one person has to be perfect for you. Also, I've never been a particularly jealous person when it came to love and back when I identified as ace, I didn't see any problems with the hypothetical possibility of my nonasexual boyfriend hooking up with others so long as it was casual and I am aware of it because I knew I wouldn't be able to satisfy all of his needs. And even though I don't identify as completely ace anymoreEv, I am curious as to how a polyamorous dynamic would play out. Be with an older guy: (and by older I mean like 8-12 years) I think in the past this had more to do with some of the issues I had and my upbringing, along with the associations I had with older men. I think I had this association with maturity, gentleness, assertiveness, stability and protectiveness when it came to older men which was in contrast with the little frat fuck boys I would see on the regular in school. Also, the dilfs that worked at my university didn't help lol. But, now that I have found a man near my age that is mature, gentle, assertive, stable, and protective, I don't think I romanticize being with an older guy anymore because those specific desires are being met. Also, my frontal lobe has been cooking which is making me think *lets be real, even if they are older, they still ain't shit.* But, I still find a lot of older people to be beautiful and it's much more of a looks thing. I don't think I would want a relationship with an older guy but I wouldn't mind casually dating one to have the experience and get that out of my system. Wax Play: I talked about this in other posts Being Tied Up: Idk it just seems interesting. Idk if I would like it and there isn't a particular thing driving me towards it other than plain curiousity. Going to a nude beach: I feel like I talked about this in a previous post, but generally speaking, I'm pretty comfortable with nudity and I think it would be an educational experience. Because it would be an educational experience personally, I thought I'd include it here but I was hesitant because my desire to go to a nude beach isn't directly romantic or sexual but I do think I would learn about myself in that aspect. Engage in some form of casual sex: I feel like I can be up for it. I don't think I would be comfortable with a one night stand or something with someone I don't know very well because of safety concerns but I can see myself in a fwb situation, provided that the other person can actually be a friend and treat me like a person instead of a fleshlight. I think I can deal with a lack of commitment but I wouldn't be able to deal with the lack of respect and drama that situations like these can come with which is why I am hesitant. But if he is sane and respectful, why not. Also, I think it could be good when it comes to getting to know myself sexually by being exposed to what different people are like. Eventually settle down with a partner(s): I can see myself eventually wanting to settle down with someone, or if the polyamorous route works out, some people. I just think it would be nice.

How Body Image Impacts My Sexuality I feel like my body image affected my sexuality more in terms of my own perceptions of my desirablity in the past because of issues that I detailed out in previous posts. I still feel that there is some effect in the way that being in this current relationship just feels like I've been hit by fluke luck and that I won't be able to get with people I find attractive from the get go. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to my boyfriend and I thought he was cute from the time we first met but it's an attraction that had to grow as our relationship progressed. I don't recommend dating people you aren't attracted to hoping you will find them attractive, but it is something that worked out for me because I was questioning my sexuality at the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get intimidated by people who I physically is my type or that I perceive to be more conventionally attractive. And I thought this was ridiculous then and I think it is even more ridiculous now because I know what it looks like to be desired respectfully. Also, I feel that since being with U, I feel so self assured in the whole situation to where my body image isn't really what I think about because there are other things to focus on lol. And U has done a lot to where I don't feel any doubt when I'm around him. Sure I don't feel like I'm beautiful to myself but I know he does and even though I don't get his tastes, I'm not going to over think it too much and just go with it. Again, it goes back to the whole *I don't see it but I'm glad you're having a good time* and that just helps me get more to a place of neutrality with my body. This is a bit of a tangent but there are moments in this relationship where I think about the quality of my partner and how that helps with a lot of personal issues from bleeding into the relationship. For example, I am generally a secure person attachment style wise but every now and then I do get a sense of an anxious attachment style come over me. But I don't have that with him because we both created such a secure dynamic where we regularly show appreciation for each other and I don't have a doubt in my mind about where I stand with the relationship. Or sometimes, personal stuff comes up and we're both able to support each other logistically and emotionally while still maintaining boundaries so we never feel like we're over exerting ourselves for each other and we feel comfortable in being vulnerable with one another. And as far as my body image issues go, I am far from feeling comfortable in my body and liking how I look but at the very least, when I'm with him, I don't have a single doubt of how I am perceived nor am I worried about what I look like in different angles and the such. While I'm far from being a perfect person, I think having a good partner can go a long way and smooth over a lot of things which is why I don't regret being picky at all.

Overturning Roe v. Wade I know I'm pretty late to the party when talking about this but I feel like this is the biggest factor affecting my sexuality in the present moment. Despite dating my current boyfriend for like 8 months now, we've never had sex and honestly, I don't feel comfortable in doing so because of the risk of pregnancy regardless of how respectful and comfortable he makes me feel. I made this relationship official and like a week later, Roe v. Wade got over turned and the universe took one look at me and was like *no dick for you.* Don't get me wrong, even if it wasn't over turned we would be using condoms and I am on birth control, but having that access to abortion gave me the peace of mind that if something went wrong, I could deal with that situation. And I know that plan B is less affective if you're over a certain body weight so that isn't a solid back up. I'm thankful that my boyfriend is understanding about this and honestly, I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't going to respect my boundaries. We've basically have done everything except penetration and even though he is understanding about my anxieties around this and continously reminds me that I shouldn't do anything that makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable, I do catch myself just feelling frustrated with this entire situation. I feel like it restricts my ability to express myself and connect and it's frustrating that I would probably have to go through the hassel of moving and basically starting my life over just to feel more secure in myself in this area of life. I do eventually see myself moving out of Texas but not for a hot minute since I am trying to save up and build the relationships I have right here. I also had a friend who had to get an abortion and flew out to Georgia from Texas to get one, two days before Roe v. Wade got overturned. That whole story was very difficult to listen to given the problems she faced, the trauma from being forced to listen to the heart beat before hand, keeping all of this a secret from her pro-life family and not being able to turn to her own mother for support, and dealing with the protests. And besides wanting to be there for my friend and everything she went through, ngl that whole experience puts me off of sex even more. Getting pregnant is one of the really big fears I have in my life in general, especially getting pregnant in my 20s. Everything surrounding getting pregnant, especially getting pregnant in Texas, screams *my life is ending* for me. I don't know if I ever want to be a mother but if I make that decision, I don't want that life transition to be premature in any way from having a stable and loving marriage and having a hefty savings and a good job, to mentally having broken all of the generational curses in my family and feeling so fulfilled that I can give my life up and start a new one. There is so many things that I want to try and experience while I am young and not with a child. And if that is a decision that I make, I want to be in a position where I have experienced all of those things, grown from them, and then pour that into my child so that I am coming into motherhood in a fulfilled and actualized place and I can give my child a mother and a life they deserve. Having a child before I am ready is like a death sentence for me and the kid who would have deserved so much better.

Looking Back at Previous Posts Part 4: Main Take Aways I'm just doing a TLDR of my last 3 posts so that I can summarize this series and wrap it up with a nice bow. I'm not as horny as I thought I was and my sex drive is lower than expected. I just felt repressed physically and emotionally because my sexuality existed in a vaccum I am capable of being in a relationship even if I don't have my shit 100% put together so long as I am taking accountibility, communicating, doing the work, and being self aware. If anything, there is a lot of growth and healing that can be done in a healthy dynamic, platonic or otherwise. Doing this is a skill and it's not like you're stagnating by putting more time into your relationships platonic or otherwise. My standards (specifically related to consent, having respectful/ caring encounters, and what I thought made a solid relationship) back then were not me asking too much. I'm glad I had them and I'm glad I waited as long to get into a relationship even though it was hard. My fantasies do not have the same element of nervousness and vulnerability as before both because I feel more confident in myself for having a bit more experince since it doesn't feel like I'm jumping into the unknown anymore, and because my partner is very accepting and respectful to where I don't have an ounce of self-doubt around him. I was able to scratch a lot of itches and confirm a lot of things to myself when it comes to my perception of my desirability in the last few months. It's also been nice to be able to express myself in a romantic and sexual context and I feel like I have learned a lot about myself. I still have my fair of insecurities and I still feel the need to be careful around certain situations but they don't interfere as much with the perception I have regarding my ability to attain the experiences I desire. Mutual attraction is a thing and 100% possible even if I personally don't find myself attractive. I'm probably not as kinky as I thought I was. A lot of things seem fun to try but it isn't required for my pleasure or sexual fulfillment. And just in general, I don't think I'm the type of person who needs a robust or extensive sex life in or out of a relationship to be fulfilled. I know for some people sex is an important part of connecting with people, they have high sex drives, and they have more needs, but I don't think I'm one of those people.

Looking Back at Previous Posts Part 3: Theory vs Practice I feel like before when I basically had no physical experience (I wrote the majority of the journal prior to having my first kiss) I had a certain idea of what I might like physically but I didn't have evidence to back that up. There are some things that I was spot on with my self reflection and somethings I missed on. There was a series of posts I did reflecting on the different sides of my sexuality in the form of seasons. I'm only linking the first post of the series here and if anyone is interested, they can just keep scrolling down. I'm just doing that because I don't feel like linking 4 posts in a row. Basically, I feel like this series is pretty spot on with characterizing my sexuality and I feel like I embrace 3/4 around U. I feel like I don't embrace fall as much because I'm still getting used to all of this and I'm not ready to be super experiemental. I basically feel like this Tiktok audio: I still stand by everything that I said in this post and I feel like being with my current boyfriend gave me a more healthy and realistic view on things. I also feel that it is posts like this opening me up to reflect on things helped me communicate with my partner better not only when it comes to articulating my thoughts and boundaries but also when starting certain conversations to begin with. I also think that I'm more vanilla than I thought previously because now I am testing things out and you know what, some basic things do just feel good and you don't need to do a lot of things over the top to have a good time if you don't want to. I feel the same way about wax play as when I wrote this post and I still want to try it. I'm bringing this up because there is attitude of *i might not get off to this but the sensation might be nice* and I feel like that's my general attitude when it comes to trying a lot of new things. I feel like a lot of the "kinks" I thought I had were more like things I want to try and less of a thing that I feel like I need to incorporate regularly when doing anything sexual. Generally speaking, after having more experience, sex really doesn't feel like that big of a deal, even on a sensual level. I enjoy using it as a tool to connect to people but it's just that, a tool and it definitely isn't the only tool. I still stand by most of what I said on this post but to add onto it, I think I over estimated how sexy and sexual any stimulation on the neck is. It is nice, but I have discovered that I'm really ticklish and a lot of times I feel like turning into a giggly mess and treating this as something more light hearted than steamy. But it's fine. I'm still enjoying myself lol, Just not in the way that I expected. I think that this and the threesome thing, while it is still appealling, are things that I think I overestimated how much I would be into. That's not to say that I have tried these things and I know for sure but for me personally, I think part of the reason why I was into both of those things is because of a sense of vulnerability and sexual abundance. When it comes to vulnerability, I feel like that was the basis of a lot of my fantasies because I didn't have much experience and it was a reflection of how I felt about myself sexually since I didn't know how I would act or react. Now since I have a better idea about what I like and because the relationship I have is very secure with good communication, I don't put as much as much of an emphasis on vulnerability because a lot of things related to relationships do not feel vulnerable anymore since I have experienced them in a healthy way. As far as sexual abundance goes, again because of a lack of experience, I think I put sex on a bit of a pedestal because it felt like something that was out of reach, that it was something other people did, and that it was like a fake inside joke I wasn't really a part of. Eventhough I'm still a virgin, sex doesn't feel out of reach anymore and I think that alone helped me deal with a lot of issues I had regarding desireability. I stand by everything in the posts above and I can confidently say that I popped off on these posts. I feel like my current relationship aligns with these posts and I think it's the reason why we set up a very strong foundation early on when dating.

Looking Back on Previous Posts Part 2 : Desirability In this part I will be mainly talking about my perception of my own desirability and how that has evolved since being in a relationship. In part 1 I mainly talked about how racism and fatphobia affected my perception of how attractive I see myself and in part 2 I talked about how the lack of safety I feel as a woman existing contributes to me feeling like I'm sexualized but without the agency of seeing myself as a sexual person. I feel like racism and fatphobia still affects the way that I see myself but I feel like it manifests more as body image issues rather than not being seen as attractive. I can't say that I feel beautiful very often, especially in this past year as I've been grappling with issues around my weight, but I trust others to see me as beautiful. Whenever my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful, I definitely nod and say thank you but internally I'm thinking *I can't see it but I'm glad you're enjoying the show lol.* I think back then I had trouble seeing myself as desirable in general whereas now I see myself as someone who might not be conventionally attractive to most people because of the aforementioned reasons, but I can be seen as attractive in the individual scale. Also, ngl, sometimes I'm afraid that my experience with my boyfriend is a one off anomaly of a situation compared to most of my life. As for part 2, I think to a certain extent I will always have to be careful about my safety and be vigilant about fetishization. Even when I first started U, I had to be on the look out to make sure he wasn't a creep who fetishized Asian women especially since he was a white man. And thankfully he isn't or else we wouldn't be together. I also feel that this relationship has given me more of an outlet to express myself sexually in a safe and respectful environment that my boyfriend and I created together. I know that he doesn't see me as less of a person for expressing myself in this way and it's nice to see what being desired respectfully looks like. I don't feel unsafe, embarassed, or awkward around him. As far as body image is concerned, I don't feel self conscious when I'm around him because I know how completely he accepts me and how he is doing things to further connect with me. I feel that prioritizing connection and acceptance over what looks and feels good causes us to prioritize our relationship without putting sex as the foundation. And in turn it takes the pressure off of both of us so that we can express ourselves more authentically, sexually or otherwise. Honestly, now looking back at thse posts, my initial thought is *damn I was really asking for reasonable bare minimum things thinking they were the absolute most.* While at first glance it feels like I'm romanticizing the bare minimum, I think it is also motivated by how porn depicts sex inaccurately (i.e. prioritizing penetration above all else) and various horrar stories I have heard of how people treat others in casual sex or hookups. For example, I get not wanting to get attached while hooking up and wanting to have some boundaries but not kissing during sex or not paying attention to foreplay is just a recipe for having bad sex. Like, if you need to have bad sex in order to not get attached to someone, maybe casual sex isn't for you lol. And I think you can still do aftercare without it being romantic. Like some people really try to do the whole friends with benefits thing without the friends part and its weird lol. I feel like that's just curtosy so that the other person doesn't feel totally used. But then again, I have no experience in casual sexual encounters so there is only so much I can say. I think my thoughts can be summarized in this post I did on casual sex that I still stand by (especially this quote): I honestly think that the post directly above is probably the saddest that I've read in this journal. I don't think I was super sad when I wrote this out but I think it's sad looking back because of my current relationship. I don't doubt one bit where I stand in this relationship and to what extent I am a priority. I feel so secure and so cared for around U that I think it's disheartening that there was any point in time I thought something like this would be out of reach for me platonically or otherwise. The same goes for this post: As for the post directly above, while I still resonate with much of the contents of this post, such as stalking people's social media, taking pictures without their consent, and hitting on a boss or teacher as things that are really creepy, I also feel like I swang too far in the other direction and saw normal behaviors around thinking about your crush constantly as obsessive. I know where my head was at the time I was writing this post and I feel that I was in a place where I thought my expression of desire was creepy because I wasn't a desirable person and people didn't want that from me. I feel like a lot of people can fall into the trap of over thinking and assuming that they are creepy and weird just because they don't think they are wanted/attractive. Don't get me wrong, it's important to be vigilant of that and to back off when the other person is uncomfortable because that's just common curtosy, but you're not creepy just for having desires. You're creepy if having desires manifests in a way that suggests that you don't respect the other person or see them as human.

Looking Back on Previous Posts Part 1 This is going to be a multipart series of me looking back at previous posts as I am more likely to look at them with a different light since I have some between when I first wrote these posts and now, especially since I have since entered into my first relationship. I feel like as I have been in this relationship, I have revaluated somethings and have gained more experience in others so I thought it couldn't hurt to see where I stood then compared to where I stand now. I talked about how often I thought about intimacy in my daily life in this post and how it can be a bit excessive. Not gonna lie, after being in a relationship for a hot minute and having physical affection on a regular basis, I do think back then I thought about sex and intimacy constantly because there was an itch not being scratched. I remember in this previous semester in school, in the middle of one of my classes, thinking something along the lines of "hey, I can actually focus and not have horny thoughts come up because for the first time in my life I'm not touch starved." On a similar note, I remember entering the relationship thinking I had a much higher sex drive than I actually have due to previous pent up energy. I would say back then I would be horny 3-4 times a week but now that I'm in a relationship, at the most my partner and I are in the mood like once a week or so. Then again we only see each other about once a week and even then it isn't always guranteed that anything would happen because sometimes we're just around each other's friends and family or we're too busy for having someone stay over due to scheduling and roommate issues. Like, things get in the way, but it isn't really a source of sexual frustration for either of us. I feel like this post had a lot of self awareness even though I didn't fully integrate the notion that I can have healthy relationships without being in this cycle of fixing myself. And a lot of that had to do with a lack of life experience. But to be fair, I was in a very weird and unpleasant place in my life at July of 2021 and I think it did make more sense back then to focus on the other stuff in my life instead of jumping into a relationship. I don't know if I knew this at the time or not but there is only so much healing you can do by yourself in a vaccuum. Relational trauma often times needs to be resolved by changing behaviors in new dynamics rather than self isolation. This is because we need practice in relationships, be it platonic or otherwise, and we need to expose ourselves to new and healthy experiences to rewire some of our previous beliefs, habits, and instincts so that our nervous system is more regulated and we can identify unhealthy situations more effectively. I can't say that that I had my life together all the way when I met U but I do think that because I am able to regulate my emotions, communicate, take responsibility, and because I have multiple outlets for dealing with things, even if emotional difficulties come up, they aren't messing with the dynamic of our relationships. I wouldn't say that getting into a relationship when you're in a turmultous time of you life is a good idea, and it doesn't hurt to err in the side of caution and put things off until you feel ready to commit to something .But at the same time, I don't think that people need to be fully healed to be in a healthy and loving relationship so long as both parties have solid relationship skills and have the self awareness to cope in a healthy way. This post was mainly about my experience in growing up in a strict South Asian house hold that downplayed the importance of relationships in order for me to focus on school and a general sense of success. I also talked about how having to deal with a variety of obstacles in my life as a young person cause romantic relationships to be the last thing on my mind even though I craved them. Looking back, I do think it was the right move to focus on other things instead of boys, but I will say it did take time and practice to learn how to prioritize the people in my life while balancing everything else. And once I learned how to do that platonically, it was pretty straight forward romantically as well. It goes back to the whole relational experiences and habits thing. I still have a lot going on in my life but I do think it's more in the positive way instead of the dealing with trauma way. I remember where I was emotionally when I wrote the two posts linked above. I remember the shame I felt with being a virgin, the envy I felt regarding some people and their sex lives, and the frustrations I had with incels and how they coped by taking things out on other people. I don't feel much regarding these things anymore even though I am still a virgin at 23 (more on that in a different post lol smh). But these posts are really making me think of how far I have come regarding my emotional state on certain topics and how I feel more secure now that I have a partner and I was able to scratch a lot of itches and confirm things to myself. And as a result, I feel like I have worked through and resolved a bunch of things. I feel like I can do a whole nother post about how being in a relationship has affected my perception of my own desirability. But this post has been long enough and I think this is a good place to stop.