soos_mite_ah

Current mood

Romanticizing the Bare Minimum Yeah I decided to not talk to the guy above again. As gorgeous as he is and as horny as I am, he's getting on my nerves. But on the bright side, I met someone new AND THIS TIME IT WAS THROUGH A FRIEND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I wrote about the first time I hung out with him in my other journal. I refered to him as U. Basically U and my friend M knew each other since elementary school. U sat next to M on the school bus and M basically decided for the both of them to be friends and they kept in touch ever since. U doesn't go to my school but I know him through M because M had a bucket list before graduating college and she brought U along because he's into the type of mischeif we were going to attempt. I got a good impression of U purely on a platonic level. He is a fun person to be around and seems like an all around decent person. We also have a similar sense of humor. I didn't really think of him in a romantic light but M decided to set us up and asked me if it was ok to send U my number. He's not really my type but I did enjoy my time with him from before and I'm willing to give him a chance. I made the decision earlier this year that I'm not going to go on dates with guys I don't really like. And part of me wanted to write him off in that way. But also I personally feel like since we get along with one another at a bare bones platonic level that there is something to be said about there being a somewhat decent foundation where things won't be too awkward. Like I trust this person, especially since he has been friends with M for a long time. I know that M generally hangs around a good crowd and she isn't going to be setting me up with a psychopath lol. And plus we already hung out in a no pressure kind of environment where I was accompanied by a friend and where there was no pressure to escalate or do anything extra flirtation wise. We just had the space to just be and had no expectations. I remember M towards the end of us three hanging out we ran into my roommate passing by. She did mention that she was looking to set U up with someone and thought that my roommate would be a good match for him since they are weird / quirky in similar ways. Buutt.. the thing is... my roommate is VERY gay so that wasn't going to work. We both also tried to help this guy make a tinder because well we thought that would be fun to do. Again, didn't think much of it since I wasn't really looking at him in a romantic light. A couple days later, I don't rember whether M initiated the conversation or if it was U but basically U was like *yeah soos_mite_ah seems cool and I enjoyed us three hanging out together* and then M gave him my number after I said it was ok. We've been texting for the last few days or so, most of it is just normal stuff like like our interests and how our day has been. AND GET THIS, HE TREATS ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!! No weird horny texts, no ghosting, no constant messages, no weird calculated motives to make him seem less/more needy, no texts in the middle of the night. The messages aren't even dry either. Like he seems like a normal and healthy person and that is honestly making me so happy and makes me feel like maybe this could lead somewhere good. He's also making his intentions clear and we already made plans to meet up for a date. And I catch myself romanticizing him and daydreaming here and there. I know I'm pretty much hyping up the bare minimum, but considering my experiences with awkward tinder dates and an over all dry romantic life, this feels so refreshing. But also, I think part of this is healthy and normal in the sense that people often feel this rush when they are talking to someone new. And I think it's a good sign because again, I used to have this ineffective pattern of going on dates with guys I wasn't really interested in and basically forcing things especially with meeting people through apps. And in those times, I didn't feel happy or excited rather I felt stressed and annoyed everytime I would get a message from them. But that's not happening this time and I genuinely feel like I'm looking forward to seeing him and talking to him. But also I know that a lot of this is infatuation and that I don't know this guy very well. I think a lot of this infatuation is coming from the fact that he is treating me like a normal person. He's just been really respectful thus far and took the initiative to communicate his intentions and actually try to make plans with me. Even if he doesn't like me like that (honestly, I doubt that he likes me like that since he barely knows me), he kind of reminds me of the way that I normally act with anyone I'm initially dating whether I like them or not. Whether I am looking forward to a date or not, I still do try to make the effort to answer messages on time, keep the conversation wholesome but interesting, and make plans in a reasonable amount of time simply out of respect. And I get the sense that this is pretty much what he is doing. I mean, it's waaaay too early to figure out how either of us feel in this situation. Like I'm letting myself have this moment where I'm excited and infatuated but I know better than to romanticize a guy I barely know, not because I'm afraid to get attached but simply out of respect for not projecting things onto people. Over all, the way he is treating me is reminding me of this post that I wrote a few months back: I think other factors that play into this sense of romanticization is the notion of how this feels fated to a certain extent and how I'm currently dealing with exams. This feels kind of fated because the way I met M is kind of fated. Even though we go to the same school, I don't have classes with her, I don't encounter her on campus, and we don't have any common friends. I just started a conversation with this random girl at the coffee shop I was hanging out in and we just decided to keep in touch and be intentional with hanging out since then. If I hadn't started that conversation, there is no other way I would have met this person. And if that didn't happen, I would have never met U. Regarding exams, I know that whenever I'm under stress I'm usually either hornier than usual and/or more cuddly because that's my way of alleviating stress. I'm not feeling the horniness rn with this person but I do feel this general cuddling urge creeping in. Like.... I just want a hug and some basic physical affection rn and this situation feels perfect for that. Even though I am infatuated, I do still feel pretty grounded and comfortable with this whole situation. This isn't something that feels like some kind of euphoric rush. Refering to the post I linked above, I do think that it's a bright green flag that he is treating me like the stranger I am. I think a healthy dose of infatuation is fine so long as you don't get consumed by it to the point where you can't recognize a person for who they actually are. But anyways, I hope this date I'm about to go on goes well. I'm a little nervous since I'm hanging out with him alone instead of having a friend there to break any awkward silences. And just in general I'm always a little nervous about meeting new people lol. But even then I do feel calmer since I know that we get along at a baseline level so it can only be so awkward. Even if it doesn't turn into anything, I do generally like being around this person even if it isn't romantic.

I forgot to make the unloved section of my post. I think it's important to reiterate my previous post because there is often this notion of if someone is toxic, they are toxic 100% of the time when that is simply not the case. I also don't want to paint a rosy picture of my experiences. My parents were both pretty emotionally invalidating and my uncle as I grew up barely took the time to know me and would either project what I was like when I was 6 ish on to me now or what he thinks all kids are like. My uncle is also really bad at respecting people's boundaries to the point where my dad feels the need to lie to him a lot of the time because he knows that my uncle doesn't take that type of thing seriously. My dad also had a pretty explosive sense of anger back in the day and even though there are times where I deserved to be disciplined, some things that he said were completely out of line. My mom would also nitpick about my grades, appearance, and my friends to the point where I can't really trust her and talk to her. She would also constantly compare me to a couple of my friends who she really liked but when it came to the rest of my friends, she would basically trash talk about them for really petty reasons (i.e. she thought one of them was ugly etc.) My mom would also give me and my dad the silent treatment everytime she got pisssed off and that can range for a couple days to a couple of months. The longest was 4 months where she would barely talk to me. I also would get hit multiple times by my mom for the dumbest reasons (i.e. getting a 92 on an exam) to the point where I was legitimately afraid of her. She has tried to apologize multiple times for all of this but everytime it seemed very disengenous in the sense that she never quite understood why her behavior is wrong but rather she just wants to say thing so that I keep her in my life. And the sad part is, I don't think she is capable of understanding either. Both she and my dad have this idea of *let's sweep things under the rug and move on like it never happened.* And when I do display obvious symptoms of trauma I'm still processing, they are just like *just leave it in the past and move on already. We aren't doing anything to you anymore. Why do you have to hold on to this and wreck this family?* And it's like..... that is literally part of the problem. I wasn't given the time to heal at my own pace or on my own terms. Their idea of me healing is us being a happy family because that serves their interests yet the more I heal, the more I realize that I shouldn't be around them anymore. So there is a lot of conflict and lack of understanding there regarding why I'm so distant emotionally all the time. That's really scratching the surface. I would say that over all despite all of this and more, I never felt unloved by them because I know that they do care about me but they have their own fucked up shit they never addressed. If anything, I would say that rather than feeling unloved, I felt disrespected. Then again, I do often try to empathize them and try to get to the bottom of why they are the way they are (for better and for worse) to ease the frustration why I'm treated this way. I know that they love me and I love them back but I do recognize that my relationship with them was not healthy by any means.

I felt loved whenever people would spend quality time with me. That ranged from my mom watching TV with me, my dad and I sneaking out to get ice cream, and my uncle riding his bike with me and taking me to the park to play tennis. Even if it was just running errands, I still enjoyed tagging along and helping my family out. I just enjoyed people being present with me. I also felt loved when people would play silly little games with me. I was a very hyper active child so I needed to be pretty active or else I was prone to get cranky. It could range from playing pretend, making up stories, or playing practical jokes on people. I think I just really needed that outlet to help me grow as a child. Definitely helped me be more creative early on. Finally, I loved it when people would cuddle with me. I loved it when I could cuddle up with my grandmother and she would tell me stories of the ways that my dad got into trouble as a little kid. Another time I remember was when I liked taking naps with my dad and I would curl up next to him. I think a lot of this had to do with the rest of my family being relatively touchy feely and just an abundance of physical affection was shown to me and my cousins and as a result I got socialized accordingly. Now that I actually think about it, I don't think much has changed. I would say that my love language is close tie between physical touch and quality time. I also generally need people who are going to challenge me intellectually and creatively while still having a light hearted air about it both on a platonic and romantic level as well. So I think if I were to sum it up in a sentence, the things that would make me feel loved includes being present (physically and emotionally) and allowing yourself to grow in a fun way at your own pace.

I do believe there are studies on how porn can cause people to have different perceptions of sex and make them more likely to engage in violence. Also, from a woman's perspective, porn might look good but doing exactly what's on screen irl doesn't always feel the best. Because the camera is trying to get the best angle possible instead of depicting what might actually get a woman off. Also it's like 99% of the time from a man's (specifically a white man's) perspective so a lot of things can get skewed there. Not to mention a lot of the racist stereotypes porn puts on. That definately fucks with women and other minorities, especially women of color which can lead to things like fetishization and violence.

So I gave into temptation and redownloaded tinder against the interests of my mental health. I found a guy who I think is extremely attractive and we matched. His only personality trait is horny and talking to him feels like nails on a chalk board. Part of me is really desparate and wants to continue talking to him but another part of me is just like *wtf are you doing with your life* and *you know, looks aside, I kind of hate him.* I don't think I could go on a date with him and not have it be extremely awkward. Literally he hasn't displayed any other personality trait smh.... I hate it here.

The Beginnings of a More Spontanous soos_mite_ah I've just been having a really good day month and I thought I'd share it here. I've got to go on a couple of little adventures here and there. And I can tell that it's only the beginning. I'm just going to talk about them one by one. Bar Hopping/ Getting Kicked out of a bar: One of my friends (let's call her N) has been dating this guy for the past 4 months and has a pretty good relationship with him. She has talked to me about him a handful of times and really wanted me and her other friends to meet him. She invited me and a couple other girls and her boyfriend brought along a few of his friends and we all decided to go bar hopping. Her boyfriend's friend (let's call him E) was the main person who was orchestrating all of this. I went to N's house and I's friends met up there as well to get ready. Then we all went to E's apartment and that's where I met N's boyfriend and the rest of the people. We pregamed a little at E's and then hit up a couple of bars that were walking distance from the apartment. A few hours and a few drinks later, we went to our 3rd and final bar. I had a couple of mixed drinks by then. I'm not super into alcohol but I was interested purely from a taste perspective. I had this one lychee drink and some kind of spritzer. Both of them were actually really good. I want to say each drink had 2-3 shots in it but I was pacing myself so nothing crazy happened to me at least. We were all dancing and singing like idiots at bar #3. It was over all a good time. E on the other hand had a little too much to drink. There is a place at the bar where you can recommend people to play songs. E put in a recommendation. The alcohol, however, messed with his sense of time and he thought that the bar was closing so he took back the money he put down previously. The security at the bar thought E was stealing money from the performers and basically E got kicked out. The rest of us were freaking out. We went to go check up on E and then we decided to go to a really disgusting 24 hour diner. The place smelled of cigarrette smoke and the food was awful but as someone who was awake at 2 am in the morning, who hasn't eaten anything in 12 hours, and someone who is slightly hung over, I was going to eat anything. I'm pretty sure under normal circumstances this restaurant would be on a scale of 1-10, 1 being god awful, I would put this at a 2. But considering my state, it felt like a 7. We all ate something and hung around for another hour. I got in the car with N, her friend and her boyfriend. This was N's boyfriend's car and he dropped of N and her friend at N's house (N's friend drove her car to N's house that's why she had to go there) and then dropped me off at my dorm since he lived close by and that was the most convenient way of going about it. Concert: 2 days after that situation, I went to a concert with my roommate. I had no idea who was playing at the time but honestly, I was just down to go out and enjoy myself. This has been my first concert since like 2017 so this was really nice. We went to go see Tessa Violet and Cavetown. Honestly, not really my thing, but I did have fun. It kind of reminded me of the angsty emo music I used to listen to when I was 15/16 or so except this was much more agressively homosexual (I say this in a neutral to positive way). The demographics of this concert was mainly goth gay/ transgender/ nonbinary teens and early 20 somethings. So my roommate fit right in as someone who identifies as asexual and nonbinary. It was really nice to see them so excited, happy, and in their element in a community they really resonate with considering the fact that our university social climate is a place that often alienates the LGBTQ+ and people who are openly progressive. I can't say that I felt the same kind of resonance but I did get this *safe* feeling in the sense I felt like I can be weird and that I'm generally surrounded by a good crowd. Then I got sick for 2 weeks with a sinus infection because my body wasn't used to being out and about like this since COVID happened. Fountain Hopping: There is this tradition that is at my school where graduating seniors need to hop into each and every one of the fountains on campus for good luck. My friend (let's call her M) is about to graduate and basically the two of us made a bucket list of things to do before we graduate. So we both have been putting this off due to other responsibilities and now we have a week or so left to get through everything. One of the things was fountain hopping. We went on a scavenger hunt late at night to look for each of the fountains to jump into. All we knew is that the university had 7-12 fountains. We decided that we need to find at least 7. We ended up finding 9 and jumping into 7. One of the ones was turned off at the hour we did our exploring and the other was inside the recreation center by the pool. After fountain hopping, we went back to our respective dorms, took a quick shower, and then went to go eat burgers just off campus. My roommate ended up joining us and we shared our stories with them. Exploring the university's off limits areas: The Secret Apartment: So before fountain hopping, I did a quick google search to see how many fountains were in my school. Upon finding that result, I was taken to some other things some people have on their bucket list before graduation, some more adventurous things. We found out that there is a secret apartment in one of the buildings, a way to access the bells in another building, and some weird places in the library that most people tend to not notice. I went with M and she brought along her friend (we're going to call him U). U has experience picking locks (though he didn't bring his kit along because he didn't know what we was coming into and he doesn't go to our school). U generally really likes mischief, practical jokes, and accessing unauthorized and mysterious areas. As a result, M thought it was the perfect idea to bring U along. First we went out to search for the secret apartment. I did some research on stories that people tell about it as well as some clues as to where the secret door might be in the building. Basically, the apartment was supposed to be extra housing when the university was first founded. But it never got used. So basically, there is this 100+ year old apartment in the top of a building we frequently have class in. Most students don't know about it. The few who do know about it in legend. A handful make it up there. And those who do typically leave their mark there and enjoy the view from the top where they can see the entire campus. We found the secret door but it was unfortunately locked. But that's where the fun begins. We tried to find other ways to get to the secret apartment apart from the traditional ways. We explored the rest of this old ass building. We found this window on one of the top floors near the stairs. U, being over 6 feet tall and having a heightened awareness of doing crazy shit managed to climb to this window and open it. He found foot prints on the ledge of the window, a sign that we weren't the first to attempt something crazy like this. To our suprise, the window was unlocked. It hasn't been openned for a while so as a result, U has some issues with opening it. The window opened up to a balcony near the top of the building. The only way we could access it is by jumping out of that window. U helped me get up there since I'm like a foot shorter than him and was struggling to climb up there myself. M stayed down because she was scared of heights. Once I got there. I held the window up so that U can jump out and take a good look around the balcony. He then came back and kept the window up so I could do the same. The view was absolutely beautiful, especially considering that the sun was setting around the time we made it up there. We didn't get to the secret apartment throught the passage and the stairway that leads there but I did really enjoy climbing up to a window and jumping out of it to enjoy the view. After that experience, I thought that it would be fun to venture to the basement of this building. It isn't off limits but I simply never been there. There were a lot of historic things in that area and it just smelled old for a lack of a better way of putting it. There wasn't much to be found there except a few offices but it was a fun place to hangout anyway. We found an antique piano and attempted to play something but failed since none of us are musically talented. There was a little receipt printer among a few old bookshelves in the basement. It had a sign saying to press a button to print something. There were 3 buttons with the labels "short", "med", and "long." M pressed the "med" button and the receipt printer printed out a poem. I pressed the "long" button and got a longer poem. It was by Langston Hughes. This was the poem: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47880/theme-for-english-b . U then pressed the one labeled "short." We then all took our poems as little souveniers and went on our way to the next place on campus. The Building with the Bells: We then tried to go to the building with the bells. We didn't get very far as the entire building was locked. But M and I learned quite a bit from U about campus security and the different kinds of locks you can pick. But we did find a small planatarium near by. It was made in the 1930s and was for the astronomy students. We unfortunatley couldn't break into it. The Library: Afterwards, we went to the library. We had to sneak U in because it was after hours and during that time only students are allowed in the library. We went to a few areas that were off limits but accessible but there was only so much we could do since parts of the library was card protected and only accessible through certain elevators. U tried to unlock the elevator using a key that the fire department uses (idk how the hell he got his hands on that but that was something he just had on him). But we did find this one mysterious elevator and we were taken to the top floor. M and I did study here before but this elevator took us to a section that was just hidden from view. There was what looked like a maintenance closet next to it. It was unlocked. The closet had a ladder inside of it. U went up the ladder and found a door. Somehow the man managed to open said door and we found out that it took us to the roof of the library. I went up there with U and M stayed behind to be on the look out. I got to see the rest of campus from up there and I could see the Dallas skyline. U and I stayed there for a bit to take everything in before coming back down. We then proceeded to go to other areas that were restricted to only staff but we honestly didn't find anything except the electrical center and a few basement fire escapes. But, we did find out about a ghost story and why people generally avoid the 3rd floor. I always throught it was because it's too quiet and because it's kind of dingy. Turns out, back in the 1950s, one of the professors died in the library in his office from a heart attack. Appartently, his ghost haunts the 3rd floor. That made something make sense. I remember during my freshman year, I went to study on the 3rd floor. All of the computers on the 1st floor were taken, it was mid term season, and my laptop was broken. I then got on the 3rd floor computer to do my work. I was pulling an all nighter and since I was tired of sitting in one place, I decided to walk around the 3rd floor. It was pretty creepy as I was the only person there.... or so I thought. I heard a few weird noises but I didn't think much of it. I then went to go back to work. 30 minutes later, I felt a tap on the shoulder and I jumped up. It was just another student. This guy then asked me a couple questions regarding how long I have been up here and if I had been walking around. I answered both of the questions and told him about me taking a brief stroll to take a break. Apparently he heard me walking around and I scared the shit out of him. He kept talking about how it was haunting hour and how he was terrified of ghosts. I just throught he was exaggerating and was just really scared of ghosts. He didn't tell me the story of the ghost that apparently haunts the 3rd floor but in hindsight, after finding out about this rumor 3.5 years later, it makes sense why he was so terrified. Unfortunately, we didn't encounter any ghosts when we were on the 3rd floor. Fountain Hopping Part 2: After all of this, U, M, and I decided to go hop in the big fountain that was previously turned off the last time M and I tried to hop into it. We messed around there a little, and took a few pictures. We didn't hang around there much because the fountain was kind of gross. A lot of people were taking graduation pictures and were popping champaign at the fountain. So the fountain smelled like champaign and I guess had some kind of chemical reaction with the water which turned it into this nasty green color. The three of us dipped out feet there for traditions sake and each of us took a cork left over from the champaign popping as a little souvenier. M and I still have one more fountain to hop in to complete out mission but we're saving that on another day when we know we're going to be stressed out from studying for exams so that we have a place to go and relax. Tunnels! Because my pants got all wet and gross, I went back to my dorm to go change. U and M went with me because that's where our next mission was. There is rumored to be a tunnel that connects my dorm to the dorm next to it. After changing, the three of us went to go look around the building for signs of any tunnels. I had a couple of ideas. One of them just lead to a maintenance closet with unfortunatley nothing interesting inside. There was another really small door which didn't have any keys to open it. We snuck into the neighboring dorm by just pretending we belonged there to see if there were any clues there. We didn't find a similarly placed maintenance closet but we did find another tiny door. This time, the door was open. The three of us opened the door and it was another storage space, but it was really REALLY dingy and you could climb down. U climbed down a couple of feet and saw that there was a little opening that lead to the bottom of the building. There was no way anyone in their right mind would crawl under there but the descriptions of the tunnels check out. We found the tunnel, but unfortunately, there wasn't a way for us to use it. Basically, the university has an extensive tunnel system. Much of it is dedicated to things like air conditioning, heating, and water for all of the buildings. But, back in the 1990s, students would use the tunnel to sneak around campus. It is rumored that the tunnel was originally created as a way to travel between buildings and as a bunker for World War II. However, once 9/11 happened, it became a security concern. The administration made it much more inaccessible by using pad locks and ID scanners. They also built a number of new buildings to disrupt the path. Apparently the most accessible tunnels were the ones between my dorm and the one next to it. But other descriptions of the tunnels included how a lot of them were narrow and so low that basically you had to crawl, and even then it was difficult unless you were small enough. It's likely that the tunnel we found was once more accessible but over the years the maintenance blocked it off so that it couldn't be used by pestering students like ourselves since there wasn't anything there and could easily become a liability. But it was fun to find nonetheless. Afterwards: After jumping out windows, trying to break into buildings, jumping into a fountain, and finding secret tunnels, we all went to get something to eat. We all enjoyed popsicles and hung out for a little bit and then after that, M and I went back to our respective dorms and U left to go back home. I immediately took my clothes off and took a really cold shower since all the places we've been to were really humid. Then I crawled into my bed and I just layed there, thinking about my entire day and just being really content with everything that had happened. Prior to all of this, I was studying with N since I hadn't seen her in a while and we both had a lot of things to finish before exams. We studied all morning and had the opportunity to catch up and then at around 7 pm was when I headed over to go out and about with M and U. My day started off productive and slow (in the best way possible with a friend), had all of this go on, and then ended slow again where I took a shower and took the time to write all of this out. Sure, there were a lot of unfortunate things that came up like how we didn't get the opportunity to go into the secret apartment, go into the tunnels, or go ring the bells, but fucking around like this and finding out new things about the school was really fun. I think I really needed this moment of mischief and spontaniety since I basically spent most of college making good life choices and thinking things through lol. And best of all, this is only the beginning. I'm planning on studying abroad in a month or so and I'm looking forward to having more fun stories to share.

A Few Funny Anecdotes at the Gym I've been going to my college's gym for a few months now and I have met some entertaining characters along the way. I swear to god some of the guys I run into there, for better or for worse, are like human memes. One of the first memes I have come across is this guy who basically reminds me of the Golden One. For those of yall who don't know who the Golden One is, he's like this white supremacist who is built like a body builder and he has this whole cringy and memeable persona. I only know of this person because Contrapoints has made fun of him a couple of times in her videos. But basically, everytime I see this guy, I just want to start laughing. I have to try extra hard to not laugh especially when this guy keeps grunting and checking himself out. Just in general, I can't take anyone seriously if they are one of the people who grunts between reps. There are a few guys like that at the gym who are also in my classes and honestly, when I see these guys out and about on campus, that's the only thing I can think about. While guys grunting is not my favorite thing that I encountered at the gym, there is something else that I think about a lot that really made my day. So there were these three guys that walked in on the section where I normally get my weights. They were all dorky as hell (one of them had a math formula tatted on his forearm) and they were basically trying to hype each other up at the gym. It was really wholesome. Then one of the guys was trying to teach the other two how to do dumbell flys correctly. While he was teaching his friends he kept repeating "fly away little birdy fly away." And then, when this guy started doing dumbell flys himself, he let out a *cakaw* between each rep as if he was a bird. Once he and his friends finished up with the dumbell flys another one of the guys, puts his arm around the other two and said "one of these days, men, we are going to be mightly falcons" and then they all got really hyped up. The whole thing was cute and really funny and over all they seem like fun wholesome people to be around. I haven't seen them since but I hope they're well on their way on accomplishing their goals. I think about this moment whenever I catch myself feeling a little down as a reminder to not take myself to seriously at the gym. There was this one guy that I saw that was wearing a black t-shirt with white letters saying "Alphathlete." I remember doing a double take when I saw that because that was really cringe. I just remember thinking *OH GOD..... HE'S ONE OF THOSE....* I was just standing there like: And unfortunately, this isn't the only time that I encounter weird shit like this at the gym. I have heard some conversations that were kind of concerning to say the least. I can't really say I'm surprised because it's just the regular ol' stage orange shit. It's like *surprised pikachu face* gym bros have conservative stage orange political leanings. Also on a brigher note, I scared my first person at the gym the other day. I mentioned this somewhere in the first post of this journal but I'm not going to the gym with any specific goals other than to have fun and create a habit. And part of having fun is scaring people at the gym. So what happened was I was using the calf raise machine. After I was done I went over to another machine to do a different exercise. There was this one girl that walked up to the calf raise machine after me and she just said to herself "WHO TF IS DOING CALF RAISES AT 250lbs!?!??!?!" loud enough to where I can hear near by, And I'm just sitting here just like:

So I recently started working out again. I wrote about this in my main journal: I'm making this journal mainly so that I can keep myself in the consistent habit of going to the gym and so that I can keep track of my progress. I don't really have an agenda in mind when I'm going to the gym. I just do whatever exercises that seem fun. No fitness goals just fun vibes lol. Also side note, if anyone who knows what they are doing wants to chime in, go ahead because I have no idea what I'm doing. Anyways, here is where I'm at so far: Horizontal Leg Press: 220lbs 6 sets of 15 reps Leg Extentions: 100lbs for both legs, 50lbs for one leg 6 sets of 8 reps Squats: 75lbs (I do find this relatively easy but I want to be extra careful with exercises with the bar and I want to focus on form) 4 sets of 15 reps Standing Calf raises: 110lbs 4 sets of 15 reps Dumbell Curls and Dumbell Chest Press: 17.5-20lbs on each arm (still feeling this out and figuring out what I should start off with), 35-40lbs total 3 sets of 20 reps for each exercise Dumbell Fly: 7.5lbs on each arm, 15 lbs total 3 sets of 10 reps I'm choosing not to do cardio because I genuinely don't enjoy it and it fills me up with dread to where I don't even want to go to the gym. Who knows, maybe I'll warm up to the idea one day to challenge myself. And speaking of warm ups and cool downs, the only warm up and cool downs that I really do is walking and some basic stretches. My main goal wiht all of this is to build up the habit of working out and associating this with something that is enjoyable to me instead of something that I'm doing because I'm not happy with myself. I'm also doing this because I want to build a better relationship with my body. I know just in general that lifting weights and getting good at what I know I can do is feels empowering.

I've been working out regularly for the last 3 ish months. I will admit, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm figuring things out about as I go along about both my body and how fitness works in general. Feel free to call out any misconceptions I might be having or any gaps in my thinking. @Michael569 I'm tagging you hear because I would love your input if you don't mind . Why am I progressing in weights so quickly / why can I lift so much? I started out being able to do dumbell curls with 17.5 lbs weights on each arm and being able to leg press 220 lbs (these aren't the only exercises I'm doing but this is a good reference I want to use for this post). I've been told that this was pretty impressive for a woman who is just starting out with working out. I'm not sure to what extent that is the case but not to be cocky but I do notice myself lifting more than a lot of people despite not putting in that much work (by that I mean it isn't like I've been going to the gym for months or years to get to this point). WIthin a couple of months I managed to go up to 25 lbs on each arm for dumbell curls and being able to leg press 370 lbs. I haven't been taking any supplements, protein shakes, pre-workouts etc. and I haven't changed up my diet all that much. I only work out about 3-4 times a week because of my schedule. I didn't go into the gym expecting much in terms of goals other than to build a consistent habit and to enjoy working out (both of which I would say that I have achieved). I don't know what I'm doing to cause this much progression in a short period of time and I don't know to what extent it is normal. Part of me is hesitant to see this progression as real because I'm nervous that it's because I have bad form or something. Another part of me wants to write it off as genetics because I do have quite a bit of muscle mass starting out and in my mind, I guess the part of it has to do with I had the muscle already and now it was just a matter of tapping into the strength potential I already had. I don't know to what extent that makes sense or is valid. Why can I lift so much but I can't do a pull up, or do a full body push up in correct form? My guess is that those exercises target different muscles that I normally don't work out. My arm workout routine consists of dumbell curls, dumbell chest presses, latteral pulldowns, and seated cable rows. Idk, I just think it's weird that I can do multiple sets of each of these exercises at a good amount of weight but I can't do a couple of simple exercises. How necessary is cardio? I don't do cardio because I think it's boring and tbh I suck at it really badly (as in I can't do a 10 minute run without questioning my life). I haven't done any cardio other than walking 15 minutes to and from the gym and walking about 2 miles a day on campus (if you want to count that but I don't lol). I don't really intend to do so because again, I don't have any specific goals at the gym other than to have fun and do the exercises I enjoy. But I will admit, the fact that I can't get through more than 15 minutes on any cardio machine makes me feel pretty unfit. I get that different bodies are capable of different things and maybe I'm just not built for that but I do wonder if there is anything wrong with me not doing or not being able to do cardio. I feel like it hits even more as a woman since most of the time when I see other girls at the gym, they're usually doing cardio for 20-40 minutes and for as long as I can remember, I have been hearing things from the people around me on how cardio helps you lose weight and how women shouldn't be lifiting if they want that skinny lean physique. I know alot of that is bullshit but it still does affect my view of myself and how I compare to other women in general even if I have my own thing going on. Doing weights but not bulking up? So I have noticed that both my arms and legs have been getting more toned but also they have been getting bigger. I'm going to be perfectly honest, I'm not the biggest fan of that and a lot of it does have to do with my personal body image issues regarding my size. I have heard the whole thing about if you want to be toned but not bulk up, the key is to use lighter weights and more reps. I do 4 sets of 10-14 reps in each exercise. I'm not sure if that is a lot of reps or not enough. I just know that at that amount of reps, I can still lift a lot and lessening the amount of weights makes me feel like I'm not challenging my body and am basically doing nothing (i've tried to do 20 reps of leg pressing 220 lbs the other day and it literally felt like I wasn't doing anything since I didn't feel anything in my legs). Even though I enjoy doing weights, part of me wants to quit because I hate the way that I look. I know that is pretty superficial and I do get a lot of fulfillment and enjoyment out of lifting weights. Also it goes without me saying that a lot of my desire to quit has more to do with conforming to a dumb beauty standard and being insecure so I know it isn't coming from an authentic place. I'm not going to quit doing weights but there is a part of me that wonders if I would be able to continue doing them and improving in weights without exasserbating my insecurities. It also doesn't help that my mom is noticing these changes in my body and she greatly dissaproves of me doing any strength training because she thinks I look too big, I'm not losing weight, and because I look manly since I don't have a "thin and graceful physique" as she puts it. I've never had that body type in the first place and she has always had unrealistic standards on how small I should be since she doesn't differentiate between muscle and fat.

I try to stay off of social media for these reasons especially since there is a lot of misinformation out there regarding diet and fitness that can potentially be harmful physically and mentally. Also, influencers pushing supplements just plain annoy me lol. I just wanted to include a couple of pictures to illustrate what I mean by toned vs. muscular. It's just that I am self conscious about getting bigger. I know the right picture looks unrealistic, but I feel that my lower body and my arms kind of look like that granted I continue with my current routine and then cut some fat out (also my chest and stomach are much squishier so there is that). What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm closer to the right picture than the left (even though I always wanted to look more like the left). And while I do love the capabilities of my body, I feel like I look so big and bulky rather than that skinny toned look. And it doesn't help that a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore (or at the very least don't fit the same way) and I've always associated needing a larger size with *oh no you're gaining fat, you need to start restricting again*. Thankfully I have been resisting the urge to do that but a lot of my insecurities do feel like it's at the forefront because I feel like I look like a worse version of myself. I know that weight gain is inevitable when it comes to what I'm doing which is weightlifting + eating more and that this is necessary given my physical and emotional health, but at the same time I haven't made peace with my changing body yet (and that's ok because it's a work in progress). I know that I shouldn't focus on aesthetics as it can get really neurotic really quickly but I have been told my whole life that I'm too big and that I need to lose weight. It's only fairly recently that I started realizing that I'm not necessarily fat but that a lot of my weight does come from muscle mass and that my body, though it isn't thin, is pretty fit and capable of doing amazing things. Not only that, but I've been fed a lot of ideas around what beauty and femininity looks like so while I know that I'm not going to get completely jacked unless I do steriods, there is that fear that has been socially conditioned in me of getting big and looking masculine. And of course there is also the socially conditioned notion that smallness correllates with femininity and desireablity which is a can of worms of it's own. I know logically that the social conditioning isn't healthy and it something that really fucks with a lot of women but it's something that I'm still grappling with emotionally. And working out along with some of the comments I have received about my body (both recently and just in general) brought a lot of those insecurities to the surface. The insecurites are something that I try to be mindful of both when it comes to my relationship with food and fitness. Some of the things that I try to do include working out in the morning so I don't encounter a lot of the people I compare myself to, and workout out where there aren't any mirrors so I don't pick myself apart and so I can focus on what I'm doing. Will keep that in mind. The other day I did try to do some cardio at the gym and I found out that I can tolerate cycling. And this is a little embarrassing but I find that dancing around like and idiot in my room for an hour or two is an effective way to get my heart rate up and start sweating without me hating my life lmaooo.

Huh interesting. Idk I feel like I always see everyone doing pull ups and push ups as if it's easy and that's the first thing that you start off with. I remember growing up I would fail certain sections of fitness exams just because I can't do either one of those. It's one of the reasons (along with sucking at cardio) that convinced me that I was super unfit growing up lmao. Let's just say I've been having second thoughts lately lol. I can do about 70 lbs on lateral pulldowns and I weigh somewhere around 140 lbs. So yeah.... I got a bit to go. Can increasing weights for lateral pull downs help with doing pull ups? Do both of those exercises work similar muscles? As for chest press, I do dumbell chest presses with 25lbs on each hand (so 50lbs total but I'm not sure if you count it like that). And yeah, again, have quite a bit to go. Again, can increasing weights for chest presses help with the push ups? I can do push ups on my knees really well. I can do a few full body ones but form wise.... it isn't the best. It's basically being faily thin with just a little bit of muscle tone without looking bulky. So basically: Would you still lose calories this way or be challenged? Because part of the reason why I like lifting weights is seeing improvement in the form of being able to do more reps or more weights. Also, this is probably going to be a REALLY dumb question but would it be possible to lose muscle mass while still maintaining your strength? I always heard the opposite. I thought focussing on building more endurance as opposed to maximizing strength was the thing that made people more lean but not as big. Kind of how pilates focuses on muscle endurance and reps as opposed to adding more weights as you would do with weight lifting. Yeah.... I'm dealing with my own issues regarding focusing on and appreciating what my body is able to do rather than basing my worth on what it looks like and her comments really don't help. Like the other day I was talking to her about how I'm excited about how I finally managed to stay consistent with working out and I found things I enjoyed and she basically said it doesn't count unless I'm losing weight. She then went on to tell me that my arms and legs look and feel gross because of how hard they feel and because some of the muscles poke out a little and how I need to stop because I'm ruining my already big body. Again... I know what she's saying is absolute bs, but it does get to me a lot tbh since my weight/size is something she's been scolding me on since I was a child becase of her own insecurities. Thanks, I'll check that out.

Also another question: What's the deal with rest days and why can I lift more despite not working out for 3 weeks? I got sick earlier this month for 2 weeks and I has my period for another week. I didnt work out for those 3 weeks. When I returned to the gym, I noticed I can do heavier weights and more reps. How did that happen lol?

It's that time of the year again

No I haven't but I have found plenty of sources online as well as the direct experiences of the people I know in my life to guide me through this to where I get the over all premise of the concept.

Ngl, I do every now and then go through phases of pessimissim because everything is expensive, wages have been stagnant, the world is slowly melting, there is a pandemic happening outside, and of course, right wing political extremism. Sometimes it's just like... welp tf do I have to look forward to? What am I working towards if nothing is promised or guranteed? I often feel burnt out by the way I have been working on things academically and professionally because I don't have that much time to myself. Even though I am working hard, there is a part of me that is afraid that it won't pay off and that I'm just going to be a wage slave anyway. Worst of all, becoming a wage slave at a dead end job with a decent salary that can have you affording basic shit that won't overwork you is the best case scenario compared to shit like the gig economy and having 5 side hustles to the point where you have monetized anything and everything that brings you joy just to make ends meet. And don't even get me started on having kids. Personal reasons aside, I don't want to raise kids in a world like this. My peers and I sometimes joke about making plans with this notion of if there will even be a future because in roughly 10 years or so, climate change is going to get REALLY bad. It would be along the lines of "well when I'm in my 30 *insert thing to do in your 30s* that is if there is even going to be an Earth then lmaooo." And even though it is a joke, there is this part that is actually serious in the sense of again... what do we have to look foward to?? These jokes were made prepandemic btw so shit has gotten worse since then.

He tried to fuel a culture war and instead ended up announcing to millions of people that he sucks in bed and can't get his wife wet

So basically, I'm really done with overthinking, analyzing, and modelling and I find myself just wanting to be and not do much a lot of the time. I feel like part of this has to do with me being bombarded with information to where I'm just done at this point and this is my way of mentally checking out or dissassociating in a minor way. But could this also be a symptom of me getting over my over thinking/ analyzing and, well not to sound pretentious, "transcending the mind"? I wrote about this much more in my journal: And to me, I would characterize my "head empty, no thoughts* era as one where I stop ruminating about things and just let myself be in the present moment. It's also about me making the conscious decision to not stress or overthink and overanalyze things because at some point, it doesn't produce anymore insights rather it just becomes a marathon of mental gymnastics that leaves you exhausted mentally and emotionally. And at this point, I would say it's fairly easy for me to meditate for a lengthy amount of time and see it something that is purely restful rather than something that I need to work at. If anything, I need those *head empty, no thoughts* part of my day to function as a person lol. I don't think I have "transcended the mind." I wouldn't dare say that I have dealt with the issues that come with stage yellow sufficiently enough to be beyond that stage. Part of me wonders if I am actually dealing with this or if this is a response to me being mentally exhausted by the stuff going on in the world and just being a university student who is ready to graduate instead of being surrounded by information 24/7. I will say that being at stage green/yellow through my college years has caused me to take in a lot academically and find a lot of fulfillment in being a student. I feel like if I was at any other shade of the other stages or if I came to college prematurely that it just wouldn't hit in the same way. Another part of me wonders if this is me hitting some type of stage yellow wall that is coinciding well with me transitioning into life after college. I guess only time can tell and that I graduate and go into this next stage of my life to see if this is manifesting in a healthy way or if this is just me dissassociating from information overload. Because tbh, when I think of emptying my mind and how I sometimes feel when I do it, I feel like this clip from Spongebob and I highly doubt that's highly consicous stage turquoise lol. https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoExamples/MentalWorld#video-link

@puporing I'm with you on that which is why I'm trying to do as much as I can on my own and using psychedelics as a last resort. I can attest to that claim with my personal experiences with self development work. TBH, I have a nice dose of skepticism when it comes to psychedelics. Mainly because I don't think it's wise to start taking any substances, specifically drugs, from the instruction of the internet or some talking head on YouTube. Also, under the wrong circumstances, psychedelics can really fuck you up which is why I personally don't think it's wise to get into it until you're in your mid to late 20s at the earliest (and obviously take every precaustion you can take and mentally prepare in advance). I mean, there is pleanty of work and development that is to be done before those years and you can make pretty good substantial progress. Plus I think getting into it too early can cause people to use it as a quick fix instead of building up your skills in things like reflection, self awareness, being practical, etc. There are plenty of people who still have their work cut out for them despite having an awakening or two.

I think a huge problem with stages such as Yellow and Turquoise is because since they aren't very mainstream and the framework for those stages are still being created, you don't see a variety of examples in casual settings. For example, with stage Orange, as a society we had to put in the framework for it through things like different scientific discoveries and the intellectual philosophies of the enlightenment era. WIthout that framework, the Kardashians for instance would probably be burnt at the stake or won't exist all together. But just because you're Orange, it doesn't mean you're going to be Steven Hawking Orange, rather you could Tai Lopez Orange What I mean by that is that you need to have the complex stuff in a stage come first before it gets integrated into society to where it becomes mainstream enough to have variations within the stages and to where you see the stage in a more casual setting. I think Green is also a good example of this because you don't have to be a full on hippy to be substantially Green. I know plenty of Green people who don't particulary resonate with that particular crowd because they see holes in their logic or they just express their Green energy differently but they still do have similar vibes. For example. most of my friends are pretty Green but aren't full on hippies because they have a well integrated stage Orange and because they simply have other ways of expressing the same values (like opting for expanding their emotional awareness and acceptance in therapy instead of a heart chakra meditation for instance without discrediting the later. Or by seeing the holes in the logic of some anti vaxx spiritual people while still seeing the vaildity their teachings/ values). With Yellow and Turquoise on the other hand, the different variations haven't formed just yet and I think a lot of the mysticism is the intellectual framework we are still navigating. Maybe there will be a time (in a few hundred years, not anytime soon lol) when delving into psychedelics and hours of contemplation won't be necessary because Turquoise is mainstream and it's the default. Maybe there will be a time where you can just be a stage Turquoise himbo and just live your best life. I think it can be beneficial to think about what Turquoise can look like without the path to mysticism but at the same time, that path at the moment is largely necessay because again... need to establish the framework.

100% agree with all of this. I honestly didn't mean for it to come off as particularly negative. I was intending to illustrate on how the notion that "no one will understand me" doesn't carry the typical negative charge that most people associate it with rather for me the notion carries a neutral connotation as far as my experiences go. That said, there isn't anything wrong with being frustrated with this type of thing. It's just part of the process sometimes. I really like this. In my original journal post, I did write about how I was taking a step back from spirituality and how that as a result caused me to step back from SD and create goals for myself independent of it. I think it was very beneficial for me and it has helped me ground myself in the questions you explained aove. And I just want to acknowledge that. That's valid and I can see how that would work. I suppose my lack of psychedelic experience does contribute to me only scratching the very surface of transcending different mental models. However, I did mention in a previous comment that this is something that I'm not quite ready to try just yet.

Just watched this episode and I honestly feel like it made me reflect on all of the bullets I dodged over the last 4ish years and how cautious I actually tend to be.

@Carl-Richard I really appreciate your comment and I think there is a lot of good stuff there. So basically from what I'm gathering is that Turquoise isn't necessarily Yellow + mysticism. Instead Turquoise is more of an applied Yellow that may or may not encorporate mysticism. Does that sound right? I guess I don't really see myself past Yellow and in Turquoise because I don't particularly see myself dipping into mysticism just yet. I will say that I did have that conception of Turquoise just being a more mystical Yellow where everything gets dismantled. But then again, even when I was in stage green where people tend to jump to the hippy dippy stuff, sure I was intrigued by that stuff, but I wasn't super woo woo. I feel like I was more of the progressive, social sciency type instead. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't find myself being super spiritual when I was getting into Green from Orange but I did see myself getting into it a little bit. And I wonder what that would look like going forward in the next stages when I'm going Yellow to Turquoise and if there would be any parallels given my general tendencies. I think that would be a good action item to look into. Personally, I'm not ready for psychedelics just yet. Gotta let that frontal lobe develop first lol. But a meditation retreat is definitely on my to do list and I don't think it would hurt to look into a few teachers here and there to see what resonates. I feel like I'm already there. I don't feel so angsty about people not understanding me rather it's more along the lines of "we're in different places in our lives and we've had different experiences and that is perfectly ok because no one can truly understand anyone without embodiment." But at the same time, it is said that the higher stages include and transcend the lower stages. For instance, even if you aren't at for example stage red, you can still empathize with them on their human experience without acting in the same way. I find myself in that position a lot where it isn't difficult for me to relate or empathize with people so as a result, the lonliness that is associating with nO oNE unDeRStanDS isn't really there. I feel like a lot of the framework and values I have for a good spiritual life (and life in general) is already there and I'm just at a point where I need to step into it and embody it going forward. I do find myself questioning things from the quality of my direct experiences and sources a lot as well but I do think that it's just the tip of the ice berg and isn't in the scale of **lets go and dismantle the concept of space and time.** I feel like I've been in somewhere in Yellow for the past 4 years now, whether it is late Green/ early Yellow, or plain Yellow mixed in with other shadows from previous stages. As a result, I've been focusing a lot of my attention on dealing with a lot of those shadows so I could be a healthier, more solid version of Yellow. Then again, I could really benefit more on just diving into Yellow more instead of merely dealing with the stuff that is covering it up if that makes sense. Goes back to what @Zigzag Idiot had to say.

SD aside, I feel like building a quality social circle has to do with making yourself into a quality person, sharing that with people, and then keeping the people you resonate with around. Personally, I am a firm believer that in many cases, messy people tend to attract messy people because messy people don't have standards for themselves or other people and are willing to go whereever they are tolerated. If you have firm boundaries, a sense of purpose, and are consistently working on yourself to become more self aware, messy people like that simply won't stick around or if you do encounter them, you simply won't resonate or click with them. I know a lot of messy people in my life. I don't particularly dislike them or anything from the get go nor did I pick up on really bad vibes, but we never clicked in that way so as a result, I never got caught up in their drama and shenanigans. I mean, just think about the way you relate to people, what you talk to them about, how you go about talking about different things, and the overall dynamics you find yourself if. I would say working on those things and reflecting on that would be a good place to start because that's how a lot of people tend to exuberate their values and show people where they are at. Other than that, I would also suggest having and open mind and talking to a variety of different people. Let's be real, you're probably not going to hit it off with like 90% of them regardless of where you may be mentally but you don't need to please everyone. Just find the handful of people you click with, nurture those relationships, and next thing you know, BAM you have a quality social circle. To make that social circle into a group of friends. I cannot stress this enough but both of yall need to be consistent in making plans with each other so yall can get to know each other and deepen the bond. Unless you're still in school, this is going to be something that can make or break you since people have busy lives and conflicting schedules. Prioritize people in your life and prioritize maintaining relationships. And in many cases, I quite literally mean schedule out time for this type of thing.