soos_mite_ah

Disclaimer: I don't want to hear from the pick up artist, podcast bro crowd and if things get even a little out of hand to where this coversation starts devolving, I will ask the mods to close this up or I will delete this thread all together. I'm looking for the opinion of people who are on the older than myself (30+) who feel like they have successfully settled down in their life to where they feel fulfilled. I have been with my current boyfriend for 3.5 years. We met when we were 22 and now we're 25/26. We have a healthy and supportive relationship, there is no question about it. We have been regularly talking about our future together and what that can look like. I don't have a ring on my finger yet and I'm not making announcements to friends and family but my boyfriend and I like to joke that we are "down low engaged" since we are actively working to build a life together and see if we are compatible in that way but we just haven't made it official. We both still have things to figure out in our lives from sorting somethings out careerwise, where we want to live and settle down, and if I want to have a kid one day (he's pretty certain that it's a no). There is no question that he is a good boyfriend and this is a good relationship. The question is whether or not we are compatible life partners and if we want compatible life goals. I'm feeling really stagnant with my life because I haven't been able to make the move cross country and transition out of my current job. The main reason why is due to politics. I want to work in foreign service and utilize my international relations degree however the job market is really bad right now to where the people I know in my field who have worked in this field either got laid off months ago and are still struggling to find work or they have a job that used to be relatively stable but now they are on constant edge due to the shenanigans in the Trump administration and they are being severely underpaid. I on the other hand have a stable corporate job that I'm excelling in when it comes to promotions as well as monetarily. I also have family members (and I myself) am keeping a watchful eye on how this is going to play out. If shit hits the fan and I need to gtfo of the U.S., this job is my ticket to do so. It's as simple as signing a few papers and getting a transfer. While I may not like having to be in this job longer than I expected, it doesn't make sense for me to make a move careerwise and I would be foolish to throw away a job that pays well, has good work life balance, has opportunities, and could be a ticket out if shit hits the fan. Nevertheless, I have made a plan to make the most of this job and the oppotunities that come with it so that I can actualize my goals. In addition to not being in my desired career, I'm also not sure where I want to settle down at. I have lived in the Dallas metroplex all my life and I have always wanted to know if I'm cut out to live in a walkable city as opposed to the concrete suburbia I have known my whole life. Something like that can impact my whole lifestyle and as a result, it can impact whether my partner and I are compatible. He is unsure about where he wants to settle down but he is open to trying new things even if they make him nervous. And it's like, because I wasn't able to switch careers, I haven't been able to move out of the Dallas area to explore what that life style would be like. And because I don't know what settling down looks like in terms of broader desired lifestyles, I don't know if my current boyfriend is someone who would be wise to marry. Then there is the question about having a kid. I'm like 70% sure that it's a no for me. But my issue is, I don't know if this is a *no, not now* versus a *no, not ever.* I definitely know that I don't want kids in my 20s but I'm not sure about my 30s and beyond. My boyfriend being fairly certain that he doesn't want to have kids isn't something that turns me off from him. If anything, it's nice knowing that at least one of us has a solid position on this. This is still something I'm trying to figure out within myself and I don't want to marry someone while I'm so unsure about such a big decision in my life. I don't want to marry this guy now when we're 26 and then have to divorce him at 30 because I realized that I wanted to have a child after all. How is he reacting to all of this? He and I are having very constructive and honest conversations about how we feel about a number of different life scenarios. We're pretty good at problem solving and we always say that one of our strengths in the relationship is that it's never been us against each other rather it's been us against the problem. He is also incredibly supportive and understanding in all of this where he doesn't want to rush me in figuring my life out and he feels like he is supported and loved to where he knows that I'm not trying to stall or do anything to avoid commitment. He has been very gentle with my throughout all of this, much more gentle than I have been to myself. But my thing is that I'm scared that I might be wasting this guy's time. I'm scared of the possibility of us getting to year 6 and realizing this relationship is not working and we have to go our separate ways to where I've scarred someone for life. I'm also scared of potentially rushing into a situation that is not right for me and that erupting in flames. I'm afraid I am this chaotic person that doesn't know what she wants out of her life and that I'm wrapping someone I love into my chaos and that they might be collateral damage in me figuring myself out. I'm afraid of the possibility that maybe one or both of us might be compromising major life goals for the sake of being together subconsciously. I don't want this man to sacrifice core parts of him to make a life work with me and I don't want to do that for him either. And now that I'm about to turn 26, I'm also sensing the social pressure around me. Maybe it's beause I live in the south but I feel like a lot of people my age are married and have a kid (or 3) or they are sure about what they want out of life and are pursuing that. And while I'm not in a rush to reach these milestones, I am concerned for myself in that I don't even know what I want yet and here people are full on making permanent life decisions. And sure, I don't know what's going on in other people's lives, how they have come to the conclusions they have come to, and if they are acting from a healthy and authentic place. But I am sensing an air of judgement when I tell people that I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. When I would tell people I've been with him for about 2 years, everyone thought it was cute and sweet. Now it's like *oh...... that's nice* and they seem concerned about why we have been together so long and there is no ring. I know there are people out there that believe that if you are dating someone for more than 2 years and you don't know if you want to marry them or they haven't proposed, then you need to break up. I'm definitely not about to rush into marriage because I'm not about to make a major life decision out of peer pressure. Even if my timeline doesn't make sense for other people, that doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense for us. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I said that the peer pressure doesn't get to me sometimes.

I had a professor give me some advice I found helpful when I was around that age. You don't have to have your entire life and your career mapped out, you just need to know your general sense of direction and your next step. That way you can have some structure and plan but at the same time you can have some flexibility in case new opportunites you didn't consider come up or if life situations change and you need to pivot for whatever reason. As a college student, I would say focus on picking a major that you find interested in and that can give you flexibility regarding the job market. The job that you get out of college doesn't have to exactly match up with it but rather it can serve as transferable skills for whatever you go into in the future. I double majored in management and international relations and currently I'm working in a tech company surrounded by former CS majors. My general sense of direction at the time was that I wanted something that gave me decent work life balance, that would pay me a decent amount, and that will help me figure out what to do long term careerwise. My current job has been helpful in all of that. I have an idea of where I want to go after this but I don't know EXACTLY what that would look like and that's totally fine.

That makes sense. I think trying to figure out major life decisions is hard enough and it can be harder when you're trying to take other people into consideration. That goes for even it's from a healthy place of wanting to harm reduce as you're figuring out your life so you don't inflict unnecessary suffering for another person as opposed to a codependent place where you're trying to conform to each other as an effort to coddle each other and make the relationship work at the cost of each other. I am thankful that my boyfriend is pretty understanding about all of this. But I would have also understood if he wasn't. And while he isn't a pushover, sometimes I wonder if him being understanding is him conforming because he seems very chill in the face of conversations that would make other guys freak out. I guess I need to have more faith in him as he is trying to figure things out as well and have the faith that he is acting from an authentic place where he wants to be in this relationship and it isn't a sacrifice for him as opposed to him wanting to be in this relationship and silently suffering. I do give him plenty of opportunities to express if something feels off or if he needs some space and I have been told that I'm a safe and reassuring space for him emotionally. And while it's great that I have a sense of self skepticism where I want to make sure I'm not taking advantage of someone (even unintentionally), I think I also need to have more faith in myself because I am doing my due diligence in terms of checking in with my partner, having honest and constructive conversations, and I'm creating a safe place to do all that. As for the topic of "wasting someone's time" or "wasting your time," I think relationships can only be a waste if its coming from an inauthentic and unhealthy place or if you're working off the paradigm of *I have to be settled down by X age.* I sometimes think about what it would be like if I were to have broken up with this person and I think that even if we go our separate ways, I'm still grateful for the relationship that I had with this person, everything I have learned, as well as the ways that this relationship helped me grow. But so much of it is because this relationship has been healthy. Even on year 1/2, I was talking to him and we were like *hey, we make a good team and we have a very solid relationship so the only reason why we would ever break up is due to incompatibilities around long term life plans.* If that does happen, I would honestly partially credit him in finding my future spouse because our relationship was the blueprint on what a good relationship looks like. As for the paradigm of *I have to be settled down by X age,* I feel like part of the way these timelines are contructed is through heteronormativity where the ultimate goal is to get married and have kids soon (preferably before 30) and that should be your main goal romantically. Not exploration, not any thing casual, not experiencing a healthy relationship for the sake of it, but for the sake of finding *the one* and popping out kids so you can check that off your box. Like I find a lot of gay people or people who are for sure they don't want kids don't subject themselves to the same time pressures and that is something that I feel like you can integrate even if you are straight and you ultimately want to have a kid. As far as the biological clock, I feel like the risk is often exaggerated for women tbh. Like for example, if you had a risk of birth defects as 1% and your risk increases by 50% if you decide to have a kid after 35, your new risk for defects is not 1.5%, not 51%. And as long as you're taking care of your health in a basic way and not living a sedentary lifestyle, I think you're good. For men, I think that their risk is often underestimated because even if you can have kids when you're older, your sperm quality can suffer and also, the man's overall health plays a role in terms of how smooth the pregnancy goes as well. I think that makes sense in terms of location. I think in the south, there is a mentality of *oh you're in a healthy relationship for 2+ years, you should go ahead and get married, why waste your time?* And that removes a lot of the nuance ranging from *just because someone is in a relationship for a long period of time, that doesn't mean it's good* or *not every relationship is meant to end in marriage even if they are healthy nor is that the goal for everyone* or *there are some very important things to consider when choosing a lifelong partner and sometimes it takes longer than 2 or 3 years to figure out if you're a good fit for each other.*

I can see on how it's not something to envy when it comes to making major permanant decisions when you're young. You never know what going on and if people are going through it in a healthy well thought out way or not. You never really know why someone is doing something (and hell, sometimes they themselves don't know). I will say that figuring our major life decisions in your 20s feels like you're taking a math test with 1 hour on the clock. I have a handful of calculus questions that takes 20 steps to do and I'm writing out a page for just one problem. Then, 30 minutes into the test I look up and I see that half the class is already turning in their paper. And it's like, do they do all the work? Did they copy off each other? Did they study and complete the test early or did they not study and just half assed it and turned something in because they gave up? Did they have a different test and questions all together? Did they guess through all the questions without taking the time to do the work? Or are they just smart like that and I'm just a slow test taker? Am I overthinking things and doing the wrong process in solving these questions and that's why it's taking so long? Then there is also the question of am I slow in figuring out my life or do I just live in Texas lol

In short, is it wrong that I don't know what settling down looks like for me and I don't know whether I want to have a kid at 26? Am I too old to not know these answers and is it bad that I'm not ready to get married or make permanent life decisions? Am I the asshole for staying in a relationship for 4+ years as I figure this out instead of marrying my current partner?

My Birthday I have a lot of reasons why I hate my birthday and I want to vent about it. My birthday is the Hindu equivalent of having your birthday on Christmas. I was ever able to celebrate my birthday on the day of even when my birthday fell on a weekend because no could come because there is a handful of holidays always around my birthday. A few years it was so bad that my birthday got delayed to December. My birthday is in October. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to pop out a month early. All it got me was a visit to the NICU and a lifetime of sharing my birthday with my biggest opp, my mother. I have the same birthday as my mom and let's just say that I don't have a good relationship with her. Because I have the same birthday as a family member, I have to spend my birthday with my family whether I like it or not. And that means being forced to hang out with people that I hate. Birthdays always felt really performative. I was depressed for a good chunk of my childhood and birthdays meant forcing a smile around the very people that made me miserable and forcing myself to celebrate. As a result, my depression would be at it's worst at around September and October. Growing up it was also a reminder of how many years I was also depressed. I also don't like presents or cake. Cake is alright, but I pretty much like every kind of dessert more than it. Growing up I would always say that I wanted a pie for my birthday instead of a cake. It was my one request. And my family said I was stupid and weird for wanting that. My boyfriend makes me a pie every year for my birthday and it always makes me cry because he's the only one who ever listened to me or gave a fuck about what I wanted rather than focusing on what would make him feel or look good. I don't like presents because 90% of the time it's something dumb and it shows how much people barely know me. I've also had a lot of family members try to buy my love through gifts so now I have a negative association with it. It feels weird having so much attention on me. I guess part of it may be the fact that I share a birthday. But I just feel awkward and egotistical. I don't like announcing my birthday as it is coming up. Again, I feel awkward and attention hungry for that. Kind of related to point 6&7, but I feel weird about celebrating myself in general even if I did something big. So I feel even weirder for celebrating myself when I didn't do anything at all. As a result, birthdays kind of just feel like a participation trophy for life to me. I don't feel this way about other people's birthdays. I think it's beautiful to celebrating and appreciating someone just existing without having them had done something. I just feel weird when it comes to me. I'm also usually having an existential crisis around my birthday because I'm reflecting on my life as a whole. For a large chunk of my life, that came with depression (see point 4) but nowadays, it comes with just me journalling and thinking a lot. Not necessarily in a negative and ruminating way but it a very neutral way. As a result, I always want a more chill birthday to just be with my thoughts. But then I have people who make me feel bad about it because I don't want to go out and celebrate. I also don't like telling people about my birthday because I don't want to deal with the possibility of them forgetting. I also don't want to plan things out in the fear that everything falls through. I also have a list of negative memories that have been popping up associated with my birthday. This is in no particular order. I had two suicide attempts. The first was the night before my 16th birthday. I was horribly depressed because this birthday marked me being depressed for over half my life and I didn't see the point in living. I put the gun away and the next day I went to school and found out that people made a surprise party for me. I was crying while people singing me a happy birthday and people thought it was tears of happiness but really I was thinking about the night before and how my actions would have affected other people given what they were planning. I had my friends forget about me on my 17th birthday. I was drifting from my friends due to a couple of deaths I had in my family and I was not coping with that grief well. That was not a fun realization to come to on my birthday. Then on my 18th, I straight up didn't have anyone to celebrate with. The second was around my 21st. I finally got out of my bad household and had the room to heal when I was in college but then I got dragged back into that environment because of COVID. It felt like there was no end in sight, both in terms of what was going on with my family but also when it came to the pandemic and how it was affecting the world around me and my prospects. This time I ended up in the hospital. My 22nd was rough too because I felt like I missed a chunk of my 20s to the pandemic and that I'm like this emotional wreck who feels stunted and like she doesn't have her life together. I had a really bad existential crisis. And that was golden birthday. For a while, my birthday was also a reminder of those attempts and that in it of itself was triggering and yet another reason why my depression would flare up around that time. But that has since faded for the most part. Sometimes I still feel like it's partially my fault for having these attempts around my birthday because I essentially tainted my birthday myself. Being forced to be around my aunt and uncle is already upsetting for me. But almost every year, my aunt goes into some kind of disgusting Fox News esq rant during our meal. One time, I took my family out for brunch and she went on this rant on how teachers don't deserve to be paid, that public education is a waste of money because the kids are unruly and demonic, and how they all deserve to be beat.... Yeah.... we had a few tables stare at us with that one. This was my 23rd. My parents got me a chocolate cake for my birthday. A few days later I was craving cake so I went to the fridge to get a slice only to not find it. I asked my mom what happened to it and she told me that she gave the cake away to her students at her school. When I told her that made me upset because she did this without my permission, she said that I'm being too sensitive and selfish and that I need to lose weight anyways. Bruh.. this situation still makes me mad. I had a phase where I really got into cake decorating shows. Even though I don't like cake like that, I wanted to embrace it and make something nice. I had a guy make fun of me and say that I was pathetic, lonely, and embarrassing because I made a cake for myself because if people cared about me, they would get a cake for me. Despite being depressed, my family would force me to do a birthday party because they thought that if they didn't that they would look bad in front of their community and that was more important than how I felt. I also remember getting yelled at on my 10th birthday. It lasted like a couple hours. I have undiagnosed ADHD and instead of getting me help, my parents resorted to the *disciplining your kid out of ADHD approach* which mainly resulted in me getting yelled at for hours or getting hit. Earlier that day, I had something happen at school that was messed up. Back then, I was still happy about having a birthday with my mom because I didn't yet have a super bad relationship with her and when I proudly exclaimed that my mom and I share a birthday, a girl who didn't like me in school told me that she bets that my parents hate me because I was born on my mom's birthday and I ruined that day for her. Yeah, I cried myself to sleep that night. So yeah, I cried myself to sleep these last two nights thinking about the above. Last night I also cried about how dry my social life is right now and how I miss this friend who ghosted me. I also cried after work today. I found out that I was put on phone duty at work on the week of my birthday. I have been on phone duty a lot lately because my team is understaffed and it's been quite stressful because it usually means that I have to work overtime and I'm being micromanaged. I was happy that this was happening on the week after my birthday but then due to a last minute change it's now happening on the week of. I've also been stressing about feeling behind and stagnant in my life because of some goals that I didn't reach this year and because people are side eyeing me because I'm in a relationship for over 3 years with no ring even though I'm not ready to get married yet.

Update on work and my wisdom teeth I'm more or less 90% back to my usual self in terms of crashing out over my wisdom teeth plus dealing with all the pain and inconveniences that came along with it. My only thing is that I still can't eat normally because it's gross and kind of painful for things to get caught in the stitches. So I'm going to be on this mush diet for a little longer. But it's honesly gonna be like 4-5 more days so I'm like more than half way there. I can get through this lol. Yesterday I cleaned my apartment and had some people over. I feel like that helped a lot. I also had some really good mac & cheese. I like mac &cheese so that is already a win but I think the extra carbs and calories came through and I feel much more satisfied and sane. As for work, I got the annoying tasks out of the way and I had that meeting with my manager. The meeting was pretty chill. I don't have much to say but that's a good thing. But yeah. I just needed some good food and social interaction and now I'm chilling for the most part.

Wisdom Teeth Rant: I got my wisdom teeth removed about a week ago. This is going to be gross but this was like my first time going to the dentist..... ever. I was having some tooth aches and turns out my wisdom teeth were causing problems. Turns out in addition to that, I also have a couple of minor dental issues here and there in addition to the whole wisdom tooth thing, and while that was concerning, I'm glad that I caught this early on instead of waiting until I had to get something expensive like a root canal. I've been pissed off for a number of reasons. I have been pissed off at my parents for the negligence of never taking me to the dentist growing up. There is a lot that can be said about my parents' ignorance around dental care and how I was never informed about anything from basic dental medical history from my family to the importance of regular check ups and professional cleanings. And again, thank god I don't have anything super serious going on with my teeth, but nevertheless, I have been learning some life lessons around this sort of thing. I'm pissed at the fact that I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out without general anesthesia (just local), meaning while I didn't physically feel anything, I was awake the whole time. I dead ass had nightmares of the procedure for a couple days after I got it done. I didn't want to get this done while I was a awake but it was either this or waiting until god knows when to get this taken care of and I was already in a lot of pain. I didn't care if it was going to be significantly more expensive to be put completely to sleep. I was willing to pay the cost because I know what kind of anxious person I am when it comes to things like this. But after making dozens of phone calls to figure out the pricing, doctors, what insurance will and wont cover, and then finally getting an appointment to a doctor's office that had the general anesthesia, only to find out that the person who told me this fucked up, it pissed me off. I can still hear the cracking and breaking of my teeth as they were getting removed and it still makes me feel queasy. Anyways, my reassurance is that I will never have to go through the wisdom tooth removal process again in my life because I made the right call to get all four removed at once despite my parents' wishes (again, ignorance was at play for them here too). I'm pissed at the fact that I have to be on a liquid/ mushy foods diet for 2 weeks. First of all, I don't like mushy foods in general because there are certain textures that I hate. Secondly, it's been hard for me to get enough calories and nutrients to where I feel like I can function. I'm tired all the time and I need a nap to get throught the day, which also messes with my sleep at night. I'm hangry. I'm more anxious than usual because I'm probably not getting in enough carbs and I have keto brain lol. And of course. I'm missing regular solid meals. I'm craving Cane's chicken really badly to the point where I'm binging on mukbangs lol. I also feel like I cannot take care of myself properly. First of all, my diet is messed up and as a result, so is my sleep and my mood. I also cannot work out because that could fuck up the healing process for this whole thing (search dry socket). I cannot talk to people and socialize as I normally do because the stiches bother me and my mouth feels weird. And I'm paranoid about dry socket which is this gross thing you can get if you don't take care of yourself properly which can lead to a lot of pain and lengthen this whole saga. I have been doom scrolling, both about dental issues and in general because I have nothing better to do. The only self care thing I have been able to do regularly is take showers and vent to my journal. I still have a week left of the liquid/ mushy foods diet. I can technically eat solid foods but it's kind of gross on how it can get caught in the stiches and I have to really focus in order to eat anything. I'm trying to focus on how things are getting better for me actually, and it is, but I'm still annoyed that I still have like 5 days of this to get through. It's just been taking up a lot of mental space and energy and I'm just so done. Work: I have the Sunday scaries. I really don't want to go to work. In addition to the typical Monday feeling, I feel like I'm dealing with a lot regarding my teeth and other things I have going on in my mind. I have some calls I have to make that I have been putting off. I have a meeting with upper management since my boss who usually does these meetings is on medical leave and that is making me anxious because I don't like upper management and I feel weird about them taking such a close look at me. I also don't feel well rested to tackle my job because it's been difficult taking care of myself as of late. I really don't want to go to work. I'm trying to put a positive spin on this because he alternative, calling in sick and rotting in bed all day, doesn't sound appealing either tbh. Also, not to mention, there is all types of fuck shit happening in the government and that is still giving me an existential crisis. The Government / Society: There is a shut down happening so people aren't getting paid. There are protests happening in Portland and Chicago which I love to see, but it's fucked up with the way that they are being painted as violent by the administration. The national guard from Texas is being sent to Chicago which feels alarming because I don't know how this shit is going to escalate. I'm slowly starting to go numb from all of the stuff regarding ICE. And I stg Trump is passing every fucking thing except away. I'm so fucking done with this man and the way that he has been in the political sphere for the last 10 years. That man has been causing chaos since I was a teenager and I'm so done with this era of politics and culture to the point where I'm romanticizing 20 fucking 14. And sure, the ICE stuff is the most alarming thing in my mind when I'm looking at this country burning by the greed of the oligarchs but that doesn't even get me started on the economy, AI, women's rights, LGBTQ issues, racism, surveillance issues, and foreign affairs. And I feel like I can't fucking escape it because I'm seeing it trickle into pop culture with the trad wife propaganda, the sprinkle sprinkle shit, the Andrew Tate effect, the clean girl trends and the fatphobia and racism that comes with it, and last but certainly not least, the old money aesthetic and any forms of wealth worship and overconsumption.

I Feel Like I Should Have More Things Figured Out I wrote about this about a month ago in my main journal: I will say that mentally I have been feeling much better since I wrote this post. I have been processing through this in therapy and we've been talking about how the pacing of your life and your milestones changes once you get out of school and your early 20s and that it isn't necessarily a sign that you're stagnating (though it can be for some) but rather that some goals just take more time as life happens and you get more responsibilites. I understand that my 16 year old self had a more simplisitic understanding of what it takes to figure out your life and the pace at which this happens. I remember back then thinking that adults use the *oh well.. life happened* as a cop out to not go after their dreams and live according to their values. And while that is true for some people and how they just go with the path of least resistance instead of putting active effort towards their lives and focussing on things accordingly, there are also some legit reasons of life happening that are valid detours from fulfilling your life goals. I don't think 16 year old me was able to factor in those detours because she simply didn't have the life experience and exposure to know what those are entirely. While I'm no longer beating myself up and comparing myself like I wrote in my previous post (or at least not in the same way), and I don't think of myself as a loser in my mid-20s, I do feel very mid. I'm not in my desired field (and probably won't be for another few years because of the current political situation). I'm still living in Dallas despite having dreams to move to a larger city from age 16 (which honestly made the most financial and logistical sense for school and work). And while I have some friends (which is pretty good considering the whole lonliness epidemic and COVID fucking people up in the head), I don't feel particularly fulfilled socially. While I don't think I'm stunted socially, I do think that the lack of social abundance in adulthood is something that is slowing down the speed that I can develop as a person. And all of this is causing me to stress about my current relationship with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, the relationship is healthy and I have an amazing and supportive partner who is willing to stand by my side as I figure my life out. We have been together for about 3.5 years at this point and we are at this stage that we call "down low engaged" where we aren't officially engaged with a ring and a wedding date but we are actively having conversations and trying to coordinate so that we can build a life together. He is an amazing boyfriend. The problem is that I don't know if he is going to be the best life partner, not because he doesn't have the capability to do so, but because in order to be compatible as life partners, y'all need to have an agreement of what kind of life you want to build together. And I am very all over the place regarding that because I'm not in my desired industry, I'm not living where I want to live long term, and I still have an existential crisis on the regular about having kids. And I think the worst feeling in all of this confusion is the fear that I'm potentially leading my boyfriend along because it's like, what if at year 6 I realize that this isn't what I want and that would destroy him emotionally to break up with him. I sometimes envy the people who get married at like 21 and they just want to buy a house in the suburbs and have 2.5 kids. I think that this is questionable in the sense of *how many 21 year olds actually have the life experience to know that this is what they truly want out of their lives vs how much of this is them running on autopilot*. But while I know that I have this sense of discernment and it's good that I'm taking things slow and doing the introspection so that I don't wake up at 43 hating my life, I do still feel like the people who got married and have kids young have more things figured out in life than I do. I'm here still struggling to figure out what I want from my life while they're already making the proper moves to go after what they want. Also, living in the south doesn't fucking help because I stg that a good chunk of people are married with kids by the time they get to my age or are aiming to do that. And I'm starting to notice people side eyeing me and my boyfriend for being together as long as we have been and still not having a ring. I also don't want to cast judgement and infantilize the people who are making permanent life decisions at a young age. I don't know people's lives like that and while something doesn't make sense to me and my life path, that doesn't mean that it's irrational on their end. I also don't want to infantilize myself and say that I'm not capable of things like getting married, having kids, etc. (insert long term life decision here). Having kids, buying houses, getting married, are age appropriate decisions for people in their 20s even if I personally am not ready to do something like that yet. And I also know that just because I can do something, that doesn't mean that it makes sense for me to do so. I could buy a house because judging by my bank account I can make the down payment and afford the mortgage. But that doesn't mean I should because given my income, I would basically be house poor and/or stressed about potential repairs and other hidden costs which will then compromise my over all quality of life and other things I want to financially pour into in this phase of my life. I could qualify for a position in middle management and have a significant pay bump in my current role. But that doesn't mean I should because I care about work life balance, I'm thinking of relocating which can compromise the way the team is run, and I do not intend on making my current job my career. I could marry my boyfriend of 3.5 years, but that doesn't mean I should since there are still things I'm figuring out in my life as far as what settling down looks like for me. But while I know all of this, I still feel like I should be more put together by now because I'm seeing so many people around me making these major life decisions / reaching major milestones in their career or their life purpose and I'm just in this season of stagnation where I feel confused with life and what I want to do because I still feel like I have so much more to explore and experience before making major decisions like that.

I Feel Like a Loser in My Mid-20s I was on social media the other day and I stumbled across someone I went to high school with (let's call him B). B got some kind of award to help out the queer community in NYC along with a large lump sum of money to fuel his passion project. After highschool, he went to an Ivy league university on a full ride, got a great job, and also became a drag queen in the spare time. I can't say I know much about his life now, but I do remember while going to school with him the kind of person he was in terms of his work ethic, the way he interacted with people, and his general homelife and financial situation. From what I know about this person, this is a genuinely successful, charismatic, and purpose filled person who is going places. And seeing his acheivements does make me happy but at the same time, it leaves me thinking *well, wtf have you been doing with your life you piece of shit?* Then I started doomscrolling, not politically but much more so socially, and I started searching up all the people I compared myself to over the years (I know.... such a smart move for my mental health). Among those people include the following: 1. This one girl I had a couple classes with in college who was Miss Texas while we were in college and later went on to graduate law school, got famous on social media, and ran for public office. (she's like 3-4 years older than me and I doubt she remembers my existance lol). Oh and she got married this year as well. 2. Another girl who I went to college with who was really good in all of her classes, would get any opportunity she applied for, gave of debate bro energy in a good way, and was also, hot as fuck lol. Now, she did a teaching program abroad, got a couple of high profile internships as the UN and the government, and just started law school in an Ivy. 3. One of my friends who is like super social and can make friends anywhere and just has a social calender who is booked and busy. 4. Another one of my friends who graduated with her masters at a prestigious institution, who is living in D.C., who has a good social life, and who is working in a field that is adjacent to their desired field. I just wish I was as hot, confident, smart, and hardworking as these people. Like I feel like a background character in my own life and I feel like I don't have a greater sense of passion fueling me towards a sense of purpose. I feel like I flopped so hard in college both socially and academically which has led me to lead kind of mediocre life. It kind of goes back to something I wrote about earlier in my journal: I can't say that I'm devoid of passion and purpose in my life. I have a couple of close personal relationships. I have hobbies and I make and effort to educate myself. I'm not rotting in bed all the time. I have a generally physically, mentally, and financially healthy life style. And while I'm not in my desired field, I am making the most of where I'm working currently. I have a handful of things there and there that I work towards as a side quest, but I have yet to find my main quest lol. And I guess I have it good in that I'm not a *total* loser, but I'm not exactly killing it at life and checking off achievements either. Like... I'm just mid lol. And I live in a mid ass city where not much happens despite us living in a constant flurry of historical events with a mid ass job where most people have been infected by the cultural nihilsm. I feel uninspired with my surroundings both environmentally (not living in a walkable environment with people who are capable of valuing friendship the way I do) and socially (at least when it comes to the people I'm around at work). I haven't found my people, I haven't found my sense of purpose, and I'm still stuck in this fuck ass town. And I feel like I have run out of time to a certain extent. I feel like I should have more things figured out by now.

Working on My Internalized Cultural Nihilism Pt. 2 I wrote this post about a month ago and I have a few updates. I have gotten back into working out and I have been better about my habits regarding cooking and keeping my space clean. I have been more social lately as well. While that doesn't sound like a lot, I feel like it has been a good positive shift in the right direction and I just feel better overall. I still feel kind of numb around politics. I haven't been reading. And I do need some hobbies lol. As for long term goals, I think a career change, a move to a walkable city, and more socialist friends are good to keep in mind. -------------------------------------------------------------- My attention span still feels shot though. I also still feel isolated because my social needs aren't being met. Politics and observing the state of society still feels like looking into the abyss. My career aspirations feels stagnant. And sometimes, even when I'm "living my best life" things still sometimes feels hollow. While things aren't perfect and is still a work in progress, overall, I feel much better about life. I don't feel burnt out as much. The existential dread I have feels more manageable. I feel less over and understimulated. I feel like I'm prioritizing resiliance, problem solving, and enjoying the journey over comfort, convenience, and efficiency which has left me feeling more engaged with life around me and more fufilled. I feel like I have better people skills now that I'm touching grass more lol. And though I don't like my job, I do think that reframing my mindset around it and me socializing/ showing up more authentically has alleviated some of the pressure and internal resistance I was feeling.

Screentime Logs I know that I haven't been logging my screen time on a daily basis like I did before. I think much of it is because the process of logging my time every day started to feel a bit redundant and repetitive. I think overall, my screentime is much healthier than when I first started my journal. I still check my screentime throughout the day in order to keep myself accountible so me not doing the daily logs is not indicative of my lack of accountibility. I think going forward, I just need to keep my social media usage in check. I have dealt with the whole thing about me being on my phone at night or early in the morning. I'm usually using Youtube in a healthy way. I'm not dependent on my phone on basic functioning such as noting things down, navigation, etc. My screentime is also not out of control. It's usually in the 4-2 hour range but considering a chunk of that is probably me listening to music, I think I'm doing well for myself. I'm not necessarily struggling with social media but I do notice that I tend to whip it out still when I'm overstimulated / stressed which is something I want to improve on. I don't really do it because I'm bored of I need to decompress in the way that I would in the past. But I do also tend to go to social media when I feel like I need to process existential dread. I think I generally have a healthy way of navigating that tbh. I'm also going to revist some goals that I set for myself about a couple months ago. I didn't really carefully think out this list rather I just jotted some initial thoughts down so as a result, I never saw this list as something that is set in stone, rather it's just a guideline. In other words, I think #2 and #3 are things that I want to keep in mind but not necessarily focus on. I think I'm like 75% there when it comes to crossing off #2 and #3. #4 is something that I want to be more intentional about going forward. I hope to transition into #5 by December 2025.

I'm trying to decrease my screentime and have a healthier relationship to things like social media and my phone. I saw my screentime and had an existential crisis of sorts. I've been working on decreasing that so that I engage with life more instead of zoning out like a vegetable lol. But I think that having that extra degree of accountability by keeping a journal can help, so here I am. I don't know how this will go but let's see what happens lol.

Friendship in Adulthood I showed up to my friends house warming party. I told her that my boyfriend and I were going to show up early to help her set up. She changed the time like 3 times because her day was chaotic and she was freaking out but we showed up earlier than her suggestion nevertheless. She was super anxious about letting us in because her apartment was messy with stuff and laundry all over the floor, food that she wasn't sure what to do with, a sink that was filled to the brim with dishes, the decor not being set up yet, and her room was filled with random things since she moved into this place quite recently. My boyfriend and I showed up, didn't judge her, and helped her clean up. I started with the dishes where I just put everything into the dishwasher to stash things away. I wiped down the counters and put the food in the oven so it wouldn't get cold. My boyfriend helped with the decor and arranging the furniture. And all of us just started picking things up and stashing them in the closet in the time being. All of this was kind of frantic since the party was going to start in about an hour but we ended up making it work. The event was a success and we all had a lot of fun. It was originally supposed to be 15 people but it ballooned to 45 people in a one-bedroom apartment lol. We had a couple noise complaints but thankfully no cops. There was alcohol and I just had a bottle of lychee flavored soju and a couple shots in the night. We also had tacos along with a bunch of snacks and desserts ther (I took a slice of cake home since I was kind of full). As for activities, we played a half game of uno, we had karoke, and just general hanging out. Most of her friends were people she met at college, combined with my friend group, and a couple people from work. Despite the noise complaints, nothing really got out of hand. We're all in our mid 20s so there wasn't like people getting sloppy drunk, random couple fighting amongst themselves, people crying in the hallway, or property damage. It honestly felt like a college party without the messiness lol. I found myself overstimulated by the whole event, but in a good way. I feel like since I got my corporate work from home job, since I'm not socializing as much, I have a pretty high social battery to the point where I forget that I'm an introvert lol. I feel like once a bunch of people started trickling in, I found myself just sitting there taking everything in because I was overstimulated. But times like this, I'm reminded of that real quick. I found myself being exhausted in the same way that you feel exhausted after a good workout. Like sure I'm tired, but I'm not drained and it feels like I did something good for myself. While I cannot say that I walked away with new connections and friendships, I will say that it felt nice to experience a feeling of social abundance. Like I said earlier, it kind of felt like I was back in college without the messiness that college parties can bring. It was a general feeling of community amongst people that I felt generally comfortable around. I think I missed out on a lot of the social aspects of college because of a variety of reasons ranging from my own mental health, the pandemic, and just my college's social environment being filled with weirdos. And I think this party kind of filled that void that I felt like I missed out on so many years ago. I also started thinking about what it means to show up for people in a community setting. I'm glad that I showed up for my friend, not only for the party but also helping her clean up and set up. I think it brought us closer because I got to help her and she had the opportunity to be vulnerable with the state of her apartment. I have seen posts where people talk about how everyone wants to have a village but no one wants to be a villager. And I do think that can be true but I also think there is an additional step where people also don't give people an opportunity to be a villager and show up for them because a lot of people are afraid of asking for things because they're afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of judgement, afraid of seeming dependent, or afraid of coming off as a burden. I think a lot of people, due to this form of hyper individualistic self help, feel this pressure to be perfectly put together in their lives but also emotionally to where people are quick to label one another as dyfunctional or cut people off entirely. I saw this post on instagram the other day and I think it summarizes my view of things well: On a similar note of prioritizing emotional convenience, I found myself thinking about the relationship between prioritizing relatability and compatibility, and prioritizing diversity and challenging oneself intellectually. I understand the desire to prioritize relatability and compatibility because you want people to be on the same page as you in terms of values and it's easier to connect to someone you have similar experiences with. At the same time, I feel like if you take it too far, you can lock yourself into certain bubbles or limit yourself entirely to great people just because you had an initial impression of. I feel like a lot of married people fall into this trap where some people feel like they can no longer relate to their single friends because they're in a different stage in their lives (at least romantically) and as a result, their single friends won't understand. And, to that I say, be vulnerable, have the difficult conversations, and help them understand instead of jumping to the conclusion that they cannot empathize just because they don't have the exact life situation as you. Sure, having those conversations aren't emotionally convenient, but they are important if you want to maintain your connections and it's also an opportunity to learn from one another. That's what I like about my friendships, we all come from different backgrounds, cultures, and family situations. We're also working in different industries, have different priorities, and we have different schedules and life styles. And sure, it's hard to maintain some of those connections and we sometimes run into roadblocks on deepening certain relationships, but to me, that challenge and inconvenience is worth me not getting locked into my own bubble. I feel like every single person in my life brings a valuable perspective and approach to life because they are different from me. Not only do I learn from my own life experiences, but I get the opportunity to learn from there's as well. And then, we can give each other advice and perspectives that can help each other out. At the same time, I think a certain amount of relatability and compatibility is important. I think personally, I might be a little too much on the diversity / challenge end. I look back at my experiences in school and college, and I think I have always been the odd ball. I never "found my people." Despite finding a good handful of friends here and there, I always felt like socializing and maintaining friendships was an up hill battle (especially when I was in college, a time that for many people is a time they socially flourish and find their communities). That said, I think always travelling uphill has built up some good metaphorical leg muscles to where I'm good at assimilating/ adapting socially, I'm good at empathizing with people in different life circumstances, I have decent conflict resolution skills, and I can generally get along with a wide range of people. However, some incompatibilities are harder to deal with than others and it has led me to feel kind of socially malnourished. I'm going through a bit of a dry spell socially because a lot of people in my life, while they're good people, are just going through it to where they don't prioritize friendship in the way that I do or they do prioritize friendship the way I do but aren't in a position to express that in a way that doesn't cause them to burn out in the process. As a result, I have been finding myself in a loop of catch up friendships and highlight reel friendships. I wouldn't say that I'm neck deep in the lonliness epidemic and that I'm socially starved rather that I'm socially malnourished. I would equate healthy relationships that you nurture on a regular basis to where you're living life along side the other person as complete, healthy, and nourishing meals. It leaves you feeling full, satified, and well taken care of. I would say catch up friendships as like a snack. They can be healthy when it comes to maintaining certain relationships in times when logistically it's hard to spend time together regularly, but if all that you do is catch up, are you guys really in each other's lives? Like a snack, it can range from healthy and nourishing to kind of like junk food where you're watering dead plants. Either way, you want snacks as moderation and as a supplement to your meals, not a replacement. Finally, highlight reel friendships, friends where you don't have the time to sit down and catch up with and instead you mainly enounter at group events or parties, are like desserts. They don't really fill you up but they are fun and it's a way to expose yourself to different kinds of people or simply show up for people even if nothing is lining up logistically. Socially, I feel like my life is filled with snacks and desserts and not a lot of actual meals at the time due to various incompatibilities I'm encountering with my friends. I look at the relationships I have in my life right now that I pour into regularly (it's only two, my boyfriend and my friend who had her house warming) and one big thing that we have in common is that we have similar schedules and that we're not working over 40 hours a week. Another big thing is that we prioritize friendship in similar ways and we don't see them as some kind of frivolous thing on the side rather we see it as an essential part of our lives. We also don't prioritize romantic connection over platonic ones and we are also in one form or another anti-capitalist. Even though some of us have jobs that they like and prioritize, it's not something that dominates our lives. And I can recognize that work not dominating our lives is a function of both choice as well as privilege. We're lucky to be financially stable in our age. We're lucky to have sustainable working hours. We're lucky that we don't have abusive workplaces. And I can recognize that I have friends who aren't as lucky but who want to prioritize friendship like we do but cannot. I don't want to write people like that off. I also don't think it's moral issue that people don't quite prioritize friendship in the same way as I do. I can see people who prioritize their hobbies more, their families more, or their career more. So long as that manifests in a healthy way, I see no problem in it and I would love to learn from that way of living life. While I value diversity in friendships, there are certain boundaries I have had in the past. One big one is politics. I don't have a problem with a difference of opinion so long as you're in the liberal/ leftist spaces and you have have a constructive conversation (like please don't quote Hegal at me and say I'm not a socialist because I didn't read theory and please don't be one of the feminists who wears pussy hats lol). I don't do centrists because to me, they are usually politically incoherent world view and/or don't solid values, and can be apathetic to what's going on in the world. I don't do Republicans either because there are a lot of things I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up about because I just know it won't be received well (like no, I'm not going to open up about my anxieties around ICE patrolling D.C. with a Trump supporter, I don't feel emotionally safe doing that). That said, I can maintain coridial and respectful surface level relationships with centrists and Republicans even if I'm not friends with them. I can also engage with them politically without it devolving into flames. The people I don't associate with is full on facists or conspiracy theorists. At that point, I can't help you, you have to dig yourself out of that one. I think the other thing that I tend to gravitate towards are people with neurodivergent tendencies who give off the vibe that they were considered weird in one way or another growing up. I find that they tend to be more straight forward communicators rather than people who expect you to pick up on hints. I also think people who are just little weird and socially awkward kind of makes me feel comfortable being my weird and socially awkward self. And by socially awkward, I mean like maybe someone is a bit quieter and it takes them a minute to open up, or that they're just a little silly to where their social graces aren't super smooth for example. I'm not talking about being socially inept lol. And as a result, I find that they tend to be less judgmental and I tend to ease up around them because I don't have to present myself as the normal spongebob meme. I guess maybe going forward having similar values around friendship, open-ish schedules (i.e they aren't being overworked to where their family and job consumes their entire lives or they have another area of life that is in crisis to where they cannot pour into their relationships), and lefty tendencies is another thing I will need to look for when I'm making new friends. Like, I need friends who are deconstructing capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, classism etc. to where they can have in depth conversations on these matter and apply them in their lives to where they're trying to put the social back into socialism. They need to recognize that friendship and community aren't convenient but they are worth putting in the effort towards even in moments where they don't feel like it, a commitment is out of their way, if they need to have a difficulty/ awkward conversation etc. They need to be people who understand their boundaries but they don't use it to insulate themselves where they are always comfortable and never challenged.

Disclaimer: I know it's kind of weird that I'm asking for advice on a major life decision on this forum. I'm not expecting any prescriptive answers to my question rather I'm trying to find additional perspectives to consider as well as find questions to ask myself as I continue to introspect on this topic. I have been pretty conflicted about this decision for the past 5 months now. I've been seeing what's going on with politics here and I have a tiny voice that says *how much worse does this have to get until you decide enough is enough and get out of here?* pretty much everyday. This voice isn't alarmist. I can recognize that things aren't so bad right now to where I need to make an escape plan but at the same time, I still feel like I need to know what my options are just in case shit hits the fan. I want to take a more proactive approach and recognize the writing on the wall rather than wait until it's potentially too late if I were to leave. I don't know what exactly could happen in this country, but looking at the state of the U.S. feels like I'm staring into the void. I don't know how far this hole goes and I don't know how far we have come to where I can gage where rock bottom will be. I'm smelling something bad and I don't want to be here when the worst of it happens. In addition to the safety aspect, I did always dream about living outside the U.S. at some point in my life either for a few months or a couple of years. I don't see this being a life long thing, rather a chapter in my life. I also want to experience living in a walkable area and feel comfortable with travelling outside of the country. I don't feel comfortable leaving the country and then coming back because of the shit that's happening with ICE (lord knows that if my phone gets searched I'm getting detained lol). I have a goal that I want to visit all 7 continents by the time I'm 30 and travel is really important to me. As for the walkability, while I have lived in the suburbs for my entire life, I have a stong desire to live in a walkable area. The suburbs quite honestly feel kind of depressing with how it breeds isolation, it's built for cars, and it encourages stagnation physically and mentally. That said, I can recognize that because I have lived in the suburbs my whole life, that I could very well be romanticizing walkable areas so I want to have that experience post college to know for sure how I feel in practice rather than in theory. Finally, I have a boyfriend who I am contemplating on marrying. But before I do that, I want to know what settling down looks like for me so that we can collaborate on what our futures will look like together. And for that, I need more life experience. We have been together for a little more than 3 years and while I know that we're only 25 and we met when we were young, I feel like I need to pick up the pace in figuring out the logistical aspects of settling down to get married. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As for why I don't think I should leave the U.S, I think much of it comes from a number of social obligations. I have a few new friends that I'm building a relationship with more so. Another couple of friends just got new places so I'm excited to host with them. I have family visiting the U.S. during the World Cup who I have been waiting for the past 25 years to come visit me. And I would hate it if the one time they came over was when I left. My family also thinks I'm over reacting with my desire to leave this country and they're saying to wait one more year to see what's going on with this country politically. I do see their point as moving across the ocean is a big deal and shouldn't be taken lightly. But at the same time, knowing my dad and his trauma, he's not going to want to get out of the U.S. unless ICE is literally patrolling the streets of Dallas and going door to door yoinking people. I also see glimmers of hope from this country from progressives winning local and mayoral positions, Trump's health declining (and therefore the cult of personality has an approaching expiration date), people getting more dissatisfied with what's happening in this country, and the amount of backlash there has been agains ICE. My parents believe that we should wait until the 2026 midterms before coming up with a plan. Also, note, I'm a woman of color and especially in the state of Texas, a lot of people think I'm Hispanic. I was born and raised here and both of my parents are citizens (not to mention we're also upper middle class). While we are not the prime targets and I'm not hitting the panic button because I know that not everything is about me, I can also recognize that we're also not completely off the hook. At the same time, I feel like they're kind of naive in thinking that the Democrats can save us and that atrocities cannot happen in a first world country. The Democrats aren't being cruel enough in their opposition and as a result, rather than fighting, they're just stalling the inevitable. Also, lets be so for real, Nazi Germany was also a first world country back then and the Holocaust still happened. But at the same time, sometimes I wonder if I'm being too sensitive to what's going around me and I'm over thinking things or if the people around me are underthinking. And even safety aside, I still want to do things to help me figure out my life and my relationship. Part of me doesn't want to wait an entire year to decide to leave even if safety is not a concern. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As far as what the process will look like for me leaving the country, given my job and the locations they have, it will be as easy as me signing a few papers, interviewing for a position and then being sent off. They will take care of the work visa and other logistical matters. I still need to find out from them what compensation and taxes will look like to determine my final stance on this. The two locations I'm looking at are in London and Dubai. I also have family in both of those places.

My "favorite party" didn't win in a number of elections. That's not a problem in of itself. The difference here is that there is an uptick in political violence, people getting deported without due process to god knows where, people in the government are getting arrested for speaking out against the president, and the president is trigger happy with employing the national guard and ICE in blue states and cities. Oh and there are camps being built and there are creepy parallels to 1930s Germany. Hell, my dad lived through a genocide/ war in a developing country and while he's not freaking out (he's gone through much worse) he is seeing the signs and is like *tensions are rising, have a back up plan.* I would say it's a mix. There is an element worry, but not in an anxious way but in a *I'm seeing the writing on the wall and it doesn't look good* kind of way. I would also say there is an element of anticipation/ hope of wanting to experience something new, and to learn more about myself and the world around me. I live in the U.S. lol and I'm thinking of getting out.

Also, any advice on how to handle situations where you feel conflicted are also helpful.

I guess my desires to live abroad started when I was thinking of applying to colleges abroad. That didn't work out due to my dad's health at the time. Then, I got my corporate job for the time being and I thought of what I wanted to do after that. I do want to get into foreign services but after seeing what's going on with the Trump administration and how unstable those jobs are, it looks like I'm going to have to hold on to my corporate job longer than I hoped. I figured that depending on my foreign services job, I would be able to travel from there. Or at the very least I would live in D.C. rather than Texas. Now, because of the stuff that's happening here and knowing that my company is pretty good about relocating, it feels like a legit option. I wasn't thinking about relocating using my current corporate job until about March/April tbh. I feel like while I did have this underlying desire, the politics feels like a catalyst of sorts. Yeah, we've had multiple conversations about different possbilities and how we would handle them. As far as the communication goes, I feel like we're doing a good job at that and we're coming at it from a problem solving / collaborative standpoint. I feel like we have a pretty strong foundation to pull something like this off and honestly, this would be a good test on what planning our lives together would potentially look like. Honestly, I feel like friends feel more like a loose cable. I feel conflicted about leaving people behind and making such a drastic change that will land me in a place where I know like 3 people and that's it.

Nihilism Part 10: Looksmaxxing https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/17jk7wu/being_hot_is_a_hobby/ Sometimes I joke about how the reason why I'm not hot is because being hot isn't my hobby. Like I'm sure I would look significantly better if I got my hair and nails done regularly, got a facial once a month, religiously went to the gym and maintained a strict diet, learned how to do my makeup in various techniques, took time to learn about fashion and spend time shopping meticulously for the most flattering pieces, and had an extensive shower routine. But tbh.. I don't really care that much about being hot itself to do all of those things. It sounds like a lot of time, money and energy being spent and I'd rather do that for other things. That's not to say that I believe people who enjoy this type of life style is inherently vapid or that I'm some how better than these people but it is to say that I just have a different life style and what gives me personal meaning is maxmizing other things like my relationships, travel, education, hobbies, over beauty. And not to mention, I do partake in some of these activies, my life just doesn't center around them. So I'm not out here judging people for getting their nails done like some kind of NLOG lol. I think like I mentioned in the post "My Leisure Outside of Capitalism," it's not necessarily the activities you partake in but it's about the why. Like I can see people who like to get their hair and nails done regularly or people who have extensive everything showers as being a form of relaxation for them. I can see people pouring their time and energy into their diet and fitness coming from a place of wanting to take care of one's health and enjoy being physically active through various hobbies. I can see people who care about fashion where it comes from a place of self expression and creativity for them. So I can see how these can manifest in a healthy, non nihilistic way. But at the same time, when being hot is the central goal and things like health, self expression, relaxation, are just by products instead of being the other way around where hotness is the by product, I think that's when it can get into the nihilism category. Maximizing for physical and mental health isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for creativity isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for relaxation and for your hobbies isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for hotness and using all of the other things as tools for that goal rather than ends in it of itself is going to make you hot. And I think the last one can be kind of empty. I get the sentiment of if you look good, you feel good, but I do think there is a threshold for that where after a certain point, looking better isn't doing to give you a drastic spike on how you're feeling internally. This is regardless of what aesthetic you're going for, whether it's the waifish early 2000s Victoria secret model, the ig model, the gym bro marvel super hero physique, etc. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around basing your entire lifestyle and goals around looking a specific way when your livlihood doesn't center around it. Like I get the pressure if you're in the entertainment industy or modelling etc. but I'm talking about this kind of lifestyle trickling into everyday people and the way that it promotes a sense of self centeredness that comes at the cost of everything else in your life. I find myself thinking about this article titled "Is anyone having sex after their 12-step night time skincare routine?: It’s no secret that Gen Z aren’t having sex. Could our sanitised, perfection-obsessed beauty culture – and ‘morning shed’ routines before bed – be to blame for sapping the eroticism out of our lives?" I would quote a specific part from this but whole article is pretty good. https://www.dazeddigital.com/beauty/article/64864/1/skincare-boom-sex-recession-tiktok-12-step-night-time-routine It also makes me think of the sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. I think the people who try to maxmize for looks are chasing this sort of physical perfection and that comes at a cost of actually being present in their lives, taking things in sensually, connecting with others, and more. Like sure, it's important to eat a balanced meal, but you don't want to be that person who avoids social activities and neglects your relationships for the sake of your protein goals. Sure it's nice to do a skincare routine, but it would suck to trade that in over cuddling with your partner after having sex. And sure, there might be a certain look that you're going for, but if you sacrifice all semblance of individuality in the process in pursuing this ideal, you take your character out in the process which is not very enticing. I feel like prioritizing looks over personality, much less character and taking the most surface level information of a person to engage with them is a breeding ground for cultural nihilism. The same dynamic goes for opting for short form sensationalized content over reading a book. It's like capitalism waters things down to maximize marketability in order to make a sale and appeal to the most amount of people to the point where it strips down our perception of day to day life to its most superficial form. And then once our dopamine receptors are fried, we lose the muscle to engage in a deeper level and actually care about things.

Dealing with Existential Dread I know I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to reflect on my Tiktok usage being higher than normal in 8/17 and 8/18. I remember on those two days, I was dealing with existential dread in relation to politics and society. I remember feeling this compulsion to reach from my phone and scroll as a way to feel less crazy and to connect with people who were seeing the same things as I was. It didn't feel exactly like doomscrolling. Rather than feeling drained, anxious, and overstimulated after seeing all of the awful stuff happening as one does when doomscrolling, I found myself feeling comforted and relieved in a sense because I think social media gives me a sort of outlet and confirmation for my feelings. It feels nice to see people share the same concerns as you and even though social media encourages a more parasocial dynamic, I feel like I am participating in a conversation regarding what's going on in the discourse politically by listenting to peoples takes so that I can piece together my own understanding. And that feels good because I feel like some of these conversations aren't things that I can often have with the people around me. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for this, but I do feel like the times and the places both feel like they are shrinking. I sure as hell cannot talk about most political matters at work. I can't always talk about it with my friends, not because they aren't empathetic to my view points but rather they're stressed with their own lives to where they don't want to hear me rant and piece my thoughts together, and because sometimes the settings that we hang out in aren't conducive to these discussions. Like I'm not going to on an anti capitalist rant with my normie friends in the middle of a party even if my normie friends can generally point out the issue with capitalism and are in favor of raising the minimum wage. I am, however, fortunate to have a couple people in my life who I can talk to about these types of things. But I feel like there is still a gap that's there in terms of my needs so as a result I resort to Tiktok instead. I'm still trying to figure out to what extent this is normal and healthy versus to what extent this is dysfunctional. I think it's normal and healthy to seek out social support and sometimes use the internet for that. I don't think the internet is inherently dysfunctional in fostering social connections. The first thought I get of the internet being a healthy outlet is when I think of a lot of gay kids in rural areas who struggle to find community and understanding for their sexuality and interests in real life so then they turn to Tumblr and Discord instead. I guess the problem is when the internet becomes your sole source of social validatation and socialization? Because I don't think getting wrapped up in echo chambers because of the algorithm gods is a healthy way to live either. I also don't think that it's always good to rely on external sources of validation and reassurance. I think there is a time and place for it because mirroring one another to a certain extent how we socially learn and grow as well as empathize with one another and self reflect. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to fall into the validation trap in the way that a lot of red pill guys fall into the world of alpha males where they are observing some very valid observations in society, such as how it's fucked up how men place their self worth on the number of women they slept with and how it's fucked up that some women will shame them for crying. However, instead of taking these valid observations in a more neutral way to critique partiarchy and how women can also be perpetrators of patriarchy, they then double down and get self depricating on their sexual experience (often lack there of) and then they hate women and paint us all to be liars and backstabbers. And I know these guys fall down a rabbit hole because they're in a psychologically vulnerable state. I don't think that I've lost my marbles just yet lol but I do think that I am mildly depressed with what's happening in the world and I do feel unsettled by it. I think that's perfectly valid and it's not wrong to find community online but I don't want my sentiments to be exploited by the algorithms to where I fall down a weird rabbit hole without realizing it. So where do we go from here as it relates to my screentime? I think on the days that I have existential dread, I can give myself more leeway in terms of my social media usage since I think for me personally it's coming from a generally healthy place. At the same time, I do think it's important to have some safe guards in place. Firstly, I think it's more important to prioritize longer form media in Youtube rather than short form content on TikTok so that there are more nuanced takes and so that I'm not getitng sucked into hyper specific algorithms. Secondly, I think it's important to also lean on irl social support (aka touch grass). I'm already doing that but I do think that I can be better about that. And thirdly, check in with myself every half and hour or so in order to differentiate when I'm using social media to process existential dread or when I'm using it to double down on it and doom scroll.

The week of 8/24 to 8/31 I haven't been logging my screentime lately. Honestly, it's been a mix of being stressed from work, me dreading to check my screentime because of said stress, and not wanting to face the fact that I have fallen off my habits. I looked at my screentime from this week and yes, it has been higher than usual. There were a couple of days where I spent I spent more than an hour on Tiktok (includes Tuesday 8/26 where I spent 2 hours and 22 min, and Thusday 8/28 where I spent 1 hour 13 min). I did spend more time on Youtube than I would like watching videos and while I'm looking at my habits from a birds eye view and it doesn't look super bad, I do know I felt like shit this week. I know that I was using my phone as a way to disassociate and cope with stress. I know that I was up at night on the internet when I wasn't supposed to be. I know I haven't been holding myself as accountable as I should. And I know my screentime was higher than usual. I guess me doing this post is me trying to take accountability. It sucks that I have fallen off track but that's inevitable and part of the journey. I'm going to do my best to get back up in this week. I was also dreading to check my screentime but I guess after checking and then doing this post, I do feel like while I did get off track, I didn't go completely off the rails so that feels reassuring knowing that it isn't as bad as I was making it out in my head.

My Leisure Outside of Capitalism I feel like my typical weekend when I'm not depressed / have a ton of plans is as follows: wakeup sometime between 8-10 am > clean my apartment, get a work out in, maybe get a coffee > eat lunch > journal > hang out with friends + find something else to do in the area + run errands. While this feels good on a Saturday, by the time Sunday evening rolls around, I find myself getting the Sunday scaries because I'm dreading going back to work and because I'm usually feeling existential dread in general as well as a sense of emptiness. Perhaps the dread I feel with Monday approaching opens the door for dread in other areas of life. But I also have another thought? After getting the rest I need on Saturday to where I feel like I'm filled up and alert, what if that's when my mind is sharp enough to question the world around me? And because the world around me is kind of a dumpster fire, I'm just left letting the realities sink in which then I interpret as dread and then I don't want to go back to work on Monday because I want to emotionally process that dread instead of being thrown back into work. I was sitting with the dread last night and I was also reflecting on my screentime in previous weeks where I noticed that my screentime tends to be higher on Sunday and Monday. I'm not getting the Sunday scaries because I'm thinking about the tasks coming up in work and the work week ahead. I'm getting the scaries because I have this emotional heaviness that's coming to the surface once I get to a regulated space but instead of being able to sit with that, I have to go to work instead. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had the weekend to recuperate, I sat with the existential dread and processed that on Sunday and Monday, and then what I would do with the remainder of the week. I wonder what my self regulation is like in the face of the existential dread when I don't have work to divert my attention or what I would work towards if I didn't have to worry about my job and recuperating from it. Sure, I do take my PTO and I have taken extended time off work, but the last time I took time off work, I was travelling like crazy. I didn't really sit with the mundane if that makes sense. And it's like, who am I and what does my leisure look like in a mundane setting if I take my job out of the equation? Don't get me wrong, I do think that it's infinitely better to cook a meal, get coffee at your local coffee shop, get a work out in, walk around outside and window shop, take in long form educational content and journal about it, and hang out with friends rather than lead an isolated existance where you rot in bed doomscrolling for 3+ hours a day. But all of those things feel like relaxing things to do in order unwind from work rather than things I'm actively working towards / engaged with. I think all of this is much better in terms of not turning into a nihilistic vegetable with a really bad screentime, but it too feels numb to a certain extent. It reminds me of the post that I wrote about regarding the stay at home girlfriend trend and the under current of nihilism: Yes, this influencer might have escaped the nihilism of a tireless corporate job and is living a comfortable existance. But, the soft girl life, where you're being provided by a rich man, you're spending a shit ton of time and energy on your appearance/ relaxing, you're doing these expensive work out classes, you're hanging out with other people in a similar class of trophy wives, you're engaging in luxury and hyper consumption etc. is still another capitalist fantasy that is sold to you to give you the illusion of letting go of capitalism, thus trapping us in it's ideology. As for the emptiness that comes from the routine above, I think that stems not from the lack of fulfillment with those activities but it has to do with how they're coming more from a self-care angle rather than a hobby angle. Don't get me wrong, I do think there can be overlap between hobbies and self care and that having hobbies is a form of self care. But I think it's more so that I'm doing things to take care of myself and rest rather than doing these things to actively pursue other goals. It then goes back to the stay at home girl friend example where sure she's getting in plenty of rest by waking up whenever she wants, working out, doing her skin care etc. but she's under utilizing her capabilities by being at rest mode all the time. I think the main difference between me and the stay at home girlfriend example is that I'm living this life style like once a week, while this is her life every single day. I think the fact that this is only my life style once a week makes it so that my routine feels nice and not an over kill but I do think that part of me starts to feel like this is an over kill after half of Sunday is done. On a similar note of the stay at home girlfriend trend, I came across the archetype of person who makes matcha, pilates, and shopping their personality trait because they're heavily influenced by social media culture. I think the stay at home girl friend trend is an extreme version of this archetype where it takes over your entire life style, but I do think this archetype can still manifest even if you have a job. I loved the way that this vide broke this down and I found myself resonating with the comments. "I cannot imagine a more unfulfilling, dull, or repetitive lifestyle than just consuming products, worrying about calories, or caring what strangers think of my looks." "at the end, it's all about looks, it's all about beauty. Pilates: to look better. Matcha: because it's good for your skin and body, and it makes you prettier. Shopping: for makeup an clothing, to look prettier. It's so exhausting, really." "The part of the audio 'and stay beautiful' quite hammers in the reductiveness of all the hyper-femininity trends. To me, it's essentially self-objectification. The idea that your contribution to society is only your appearance...you beauty, brings this back full circle. They're ultimate goal is beauty. They buy cosmetics for beauty. They consume certain wellness products for beauty, they exercise for beauty. All they think about is beauty and the idea is reinforced and wrapped in a pretty bow that is wellness culture." I think for a particular social media bubble, this is the mindset around the *matcha, pilates, and shopping* lifestyle depicted. And like the comment above said, the part that says "and stay beautiful" drives the sentiment home. I guess I found myself questioning where these habits come for me personally since I feel like I have kind of an adjacent life style. I do like my matcha. I might not do pilates specifically but I do work out and do little classes here and there. And while I don't shop all that much, I do like having a little look around. I think my main appeal around matcha is that I like the taste and it's like the only caffiene that I can tolerate without fucking up my sleep. I started drinking it at around 2019 as an alternative to coffee while I was studying in coffee shops. I feel like I have detached working out from looking a certain way and I mainly work out because it's fun, a stress reliever, and I like being around other people in classes. And I don't really have problematic shopping habits due to my upbringing, my anti-consumerist values, and my general habits. I just like walking around in stores because I don't like walking in suburban areas because they feel bleak. At least stores have things going on in it. I feel like my habit would manifest differently it I lived in a less car-centric area lol. "You shouldn’t be able to do Pilates if you have a gut or if you’re fat” tells me she knows absolutely nothing about the origin of Pilates (and WHY are these people so against fat people bettering themselves )" It's not that pilates it's the problem, it's why people do it and people's underlying attitudes around it. I think if I remember correctly, pilates was created for those with disabilities, specifically for rehabilitation purposes for soldies coming back from WW2 "I SO agree with you!! I watched the documentary The True Cost and it changed my life. Now that I’m aware of how the typical mindless-consumer western lifestyle exploits people in the global south, I’ve changed the way I live. Now everything I own is either handmade by me or second-hand, and I practice visible mending as a statement to the world that I am actively choosing to disconnect myself from consumerism as much as possible. And my life is so much BETTER for it! Slower, more fun, more enjoyable in every way. I have a lot more $ to save and to spend on experience rather than consumption. Highly recommended, much better than trying to portray an acceptable level of patriarchy-obedient femininity in front of the internet" I think this quote is a better way to articulate why I always feel weird around excessive consumption and compulsive shopping. "As an Asian person I’m really annoyed at the gentrification of matcha and other East Asian foods because those same white girls were the ones teasing me and my peers for eating rice at school or having “nasty” food. Interested to know how many of these influencers were unkind to their Asian peers when they were kids and then turn around and drink our tea improperly. I do find it annoying the way that matcha is having it's moment to where people are like gentrifying matcha. Like I swear I don't drink it in a bougie wellness way lmao. "It feels dystopian, almost Hunger Games-like, to see this kind of emptiness and self-centeredness in the current global climate. I love enjoying treats, exercising, and finding joy in daily life, too, but these kinds of posts carry a level of classism that really makes me sad and angry. Who gets to be 'allowed' to be this carefree and empty-headed while we’re living through a genocide and watching democracy erode in the U.S.? Joy is important, but this isn’t it. There’s something about it that feels especially classist and, honestly, racist. Edit: I commented in the first minute of the video, and then this diva went on and proved my point so much better than I ever could! <3""I’m not going to get mad at any woman that loves shopping, matcha/coffee, and Pilates. I love those things too and would happily drink more,exercise more, and shop more. It’s okay to splurge sometimes on the things you love. The key is to not be over influenced and make sure you are doing things for your own self-care that you actually enjoy." 100% agree. I do believe you can enjoy treats, exercising, and shopping here and there without it being your whole personality and without it being completely soulless. At the same time, it's weird how some people use these things to pacify themselves or they just put their head in the sand as all of these things are going on around us. "What kills me is that this 'lifestyle' requires generational wealth OR getting into massive debt, yet it's being sold as aspirational to all women. The 'matcha-pilates-shopping trinity' isn't about femininity, it's about class signaling disguised as self-care. We're being trained to see our value through how much we can consume rather than who we are...character...virtue...beliefs and convictions. Every time I see these trends, I think about how social media has driven them ALL and primarily to keep women financially and mentally exhausted. Getting offline might be the most radical act of self-care we can do." "shopping, pilates and drinking matcha are super nice activities to do. however, when you work hard to earn it, it feels different as when you do it everyday" I think these two quote goes back to what I'm saying on how there is a difference between doing this as a self care thing versus having self care take over your life to where you're too comfortable, too complacent, and too preoccupied by things that don't reflect your values or that box you into a rigid set of standards determined by other people to create meaning.