soos_mite_ah

Also, any advice on how to handle situations where you feel conflicted are also helpful.

I guess my desires to live abroad started when I was thinking of applying to colleges abroad. That didn't work out due to my dad's health at the time. Then, I got my corporate job for the time being and I thought of what I wanted to do after that. I do want to get into foreign services but after seeing what's going on with the Trump administration and how unstable those jobs are, it looks like I'm going to have to hold on to my corporate job longer than I hoped. I figured that depending on my foreign services job, I would be able to travel from there. Or at the very least I would live in D.C. rather than Texas. Now, because of the stuff that's happening here and knowing that my company is pretty good about relocating, it feels like a legit option. I wasn't thinking about relocating using my current corporate job until about March/April tbh. I feel like while I did have this underlying desire, the politics feels like a catalyst of sorts. Yeah, we've had multiple conversations about different possbilities and how we would handle them. As far as the communication goes, I feel like we're doing a good job at that and we're coming at it from a problem solving / collaborative standpoint. I feel like we have a pretty strong foundation to pull something like this off and honestly, this would be a good test on what planning our lives together would potentially look like. Honestly, I feel like friends feel more like a loose cable. I feel conflicted about leaving people behind and making such a drastic change that will land me in a place where I know like 3 people and that's it.

Nihilism Part 10: Looksmaxxing https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/17jk7wu/being_hot_is_a_hobby/ Sometimes I joke about how the reason why I'm not hot is because being hot isn't my hobby. Like I'm sure I would look significantly better if I got my hair and nails done regularly, got a facial once a month, religiously went to the gym and maintained a strict diet, learned how to do my makeup in various techniques, took time to learn about fashion and spend time shopping meticulously for the most flattering pieces, and had an extensive shower routine. But tbh.. I don't really care that much about being hot itself to do all of those things. It sounds like a lot of time, money and energy being spent and I'd rather do that for other things. That's not to say that I believe people who enjoy this type of life style is inherently vapid or that I'm some how better than these people but it is to say that I just have a different life style and what gives me personal meaning is maxmizing other things like my relationships, travel, education, hobbies, over beauty. And not to mention, I do partake in some of these activies, my life just doesn't center around them. So I'm not out here judging people for getting their nails done like some kind of NLOG lol. I think like I mentioned in the post "My Leisure Outside of Capitalism," it's not necessarily the activities you partake in but it's about the why. Like I can see people who like to get their hair and nails done regularly or people who have extensive everything showers as being a form of relaxation for them. I can see people pouring their time and energy into their diet and fitness coming from a place of wanting to take care of one's health and enjoy being physically active through various hobbies. I can see people who care about fashion where it comes from a place of self expression and creativity for them. So I can see how these can manifest in a healthy, non nihilistic way. But at the same time, when being hot is the central goal and things like health, self expression, relaxation, are just by products instead of being the other way around where hotness is the by product, I think that's when it can get into the nihilism category. Maximizing for physical and mental health isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for creativity isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for relaxation and for your hobbies isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for hotness and using all of the other things as tools for that goal rather than ends in it of itself is going to make you hot. And I think the last one can be kind of empty. I get the sentiment of if you look good, you feel good, but I do think there is a threshold for that where after a certain point, looking better isn't doing to give you a drastic spike on how you're feeling internally. This is regardless of what aesthetic you're going for, whether it's the waifish early 2000s Victoria secret model, the ig model, the gym bro marvel super hero physique, etc. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around basing your entire lifestyle and goals around looking a specific way when your livlihood doesn't center around it. Like I get the pressure if you're in the entertainment industy or modelling etc. but I'm talking about this kind of lifestyle trickling into everyday people and the way that it promotes a sense of self centeredness that comes at the cost of everything else in your life. I find myself thinking about this article titled "Is anyone having sex after their 12-step night time skincare routine?: It’s no secret that Gen Z aren’t having sex. Could our sanitised, perfection-obsessed beauty culture – and ‘morning shed’ routines before bed – be to blame for sapping the eroticism out of our lives?" I would quote a specific part from this but whole article is pretty good. https://www.dazeddigital.com/beauty/article/64864/1/skincare-boom-sex-recession-tiktok-12-step-night-time-routine It also makes me think of the sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. I think the people who try to maxmize for looks are chasing this sort of physical perfection and that comes at a cost of actually being present in their lives, taking things in sensually, connecting with others, and more. Like sure, it's important to eat a balanced meal, but you don't want to be that person who avoids social activities and neglects your relationships for the sake of your protein goals. Sure it's nice to do a skincare routine, but it would suck to trade that in over cuddling with your partner after having sex. And sure, there might be a certain look that you're going for, but if you sacrifice all semblance of individuality in the process in pursuing this ideal, you take your character out in the process which is not very enticing. I feel like prioritizing looks over personality, much less character and taking the most surface level information of a person to engage with them is a breeding ground for cultural nihilism. The same dynamic goes for opting for short form sensationalized content over reading a book. It's like capitalism waters things down to maximize marketability in order to make a sale and appeal to the most amount of people to the point where it strips down our perception of day to day life to its most superficial form. And then once our dopamine receptors are fried, we lose the muscle to engage in a deeper level and actually care about things.

Dealing with Existential Dread I know I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to reflect on my Tiktok usage being higher than normal in 8/17 and 8/18. I remember on those two days, I was dealing with existential dread in relation to politics and society. I remember feeling this compulsion to reach from my phone and scroll as a way to feel less crazy and to connect with people who were seeing the same things as I was. It didn't feel exactly like doomscrolling. Rather than feeling drained, anxious, and overstimulated after seeing all of the awful stuff happening as one does when doomscrolling, I found myself feeling comforted and relieved in a sense because I think social media gives me a sort of outlet and confirmation for my feelings. It feels nice to see people share the same concerns as you and even though social media encourages a more parasocial dynamic, I feel like I am participating in a conversation regarding what's going on in the discourse politically by listenting to peoples takes so that I can piece together my own understanding. And that feels good because I feel like some of these conversations aren't things that I can often have with the people around me. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for this, but I do feel like the times and the places both feel like they are shrinking. I sure as hell cannot talk about most political matters at work. I can't always talk about it with my friends, not because they aren't empathetic to my view points but rather they're stressed with their own lives to where they don't want to hear me rant and piece my thoughts together, and because sometimes the settings that we hang out in aren't conducive to these discussions. Like I'm not going to on an anti capitalist rant with my normie friends in the middle of a party even if my normie friends can generally point out the issue with capitalism and are in favor of raising the minimum wage. I am, however, fortunate to have a couple people in my life who I can talk to about these types of things. But I feel like there is still a gap that's there in terms of my needs so as a result I resort to Tiktok instead. I'm still trying to figure out to what extent this is normal and healthy versus to what extent this is dysfunctional. I think it's normal and healthy to seek out social support and sometimes use the internet for that. I don't think the internet is inherently dysfunctional in fostering social connections. The first thought I get of the internet being a healthy outlet is when I think of a lot of gay kids in rural areas who struggle to find community and understanding for their sexuality and interests in real life so then they turn to Tumblr and Discord instead. I guess the problem is when the internet becomes your sole source of social validatation and socialization? Because I don't think getting wrapped up in echo chambers because of the algorithm gods is a healthy way to live either. I also don't think that it's always good to rely on external sources of validation and reassurance. I think there is a time and place for it because mirroring one another to a certain extent how we socially learn and grow as well as empathize with one another and self reflect. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to fall into the validation trap in the way that a lot of red pill guys fall into the world of alpha males where they are observing some very valid observations in society, such as how it's fucked up how men place their self worth on the number of women they slept with and how it's fucked up that some women will shame them for crying. However, instead of taking these valid observations in a more neutral way to critique partiarchy and how women can also be perpetrators of patriarchy, they then double down and get self depricating on their sexual experience (often lack there of) and then they hate women and paint us all to be liars and backstabbers. And I know these guys fall down a rabbit hole because they're in a psychologically vulnerable state. I don't think that I've lost my marbles just yet lol but I do think that I am mildly depressed with what's happening in the world and I do feel unsettled by it. I think that's perfectly valid and it's not wrong to find community online but I don't want my sentiments to be exploited by the algorithms to where I fall down a weird rabbit hole without realizing it. So where do we go from here as it relates to my screentime? I think on the days that I have existential dread, I can give myself more leeway in terms of my social media usage since I think for me personally it's coming from a generally healthy place. At the same time, I do think it's important to have some safe guards in place. Firstly, I think it's more important to prioritize longer form media in Youtube rather than short form content on TikTok so that there are more nuanced takes and so that I'm not getitng sucked into hyper specific algorithms. Secondly, I think it's important to also lean on irl social support (aka touch grass). I'm already doing that but I do think that I can be better about that. And thirdly, check in with myself every half and hour or so in order to differentiate when I'm using social media to process existential dread or when I'm using it to double down on it and doom scroll.

The week of 8/24 to 8/31 I haven't been logging my screentime lately. Honestly, it's been a mix of being stressed from work, me dreading to check my screentime because of said stress, and not wanting to face the fact that I have fallen off my habits. I looked at my screentime from this week and yes, it has been higher than usual. There were a couple of days where I spent I spent more than an hour on Tiktok (includes Tuesday 8/26 where I spent 2 hours and 22 min, and Thusday 8/28 where I spent 1 hour 13 min). I did spend more time on Youtube than I would like watching videos and while I'm looking at my habits from a birds eye view and it doesn't look super bad, I do know I felt like shit this week. I know that I was using my phone as a way to disassociate and cope with stress. I know that I was up at night on the internet when I wasn't supposed to be. I know I haven't been holding myself as accountable as I should. And I know my screentime was higher than usual. I guess me doing this post is me trying to take accountability. It sucks that I have fallen off track but that's inevitable and part of the journey. I'm going to do my best to get back up in this week. I was also dreading to check my screentime but I guess after checking and then doing this post, I do feel like while I did get off track, I didn't go completely off the rails so that feels reassuring knowing that it isn't as bad as I was making it out in my head.

My Leisure Outside of Capitalism I feel like my typical weekend when I'm not depressed / have a ton of plans is as follows: wakeup sometime between 8-10 am > clean my apartment, get a work out in, maybe get a coffee > eat lunch > journal > hang out with friends + find something else to do in the area + run errands. While this feels good on a Saturday, by the time Sunday evening rolls around, I find myself getting the Sunday scaries because I'm dreading going back to work and because I'm usually feeling existential dread in general as well as a sense of emptiness. Perhaps the dread I feel with Monday approaching opens the door for dread in other areas of life. But I also have another thought? After getting the rest I need on Saturday to where I feel like I'm filled up and alert, what if that's when my mind is sharp enough to question the world around me? And because the world around me is kind of a dumpster fire, I'm just left letting the realities sink in which then I interpret as dread and then I don't want to go back to work on Monday because I want to emotionally process that dread instead of being thrown back into work. I was sitting with the dread last night and I was also reflecting on my screentime in previous weeks where I noticed that my screentime tends to be higher on Sunday and Monday. I'm not getting the Sunday scaries because I'm thinking about the tasks coming up in work and the work week ahead. I'm getting the scaries because I have this emotional heaviness that's coming to the surface once I get to a regulated space but instead of being able to sit with that, I have to go to work instead. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had the weekend to recuperate, I sat with the existential dread and processed that on Sunday and Monday, and then what I would do with the remainder of the week. I wonder what my self regulation is like in the face of the existential dread when I don't have work to divert my attention or what I would work towards if I didn't have to worry about my job and recuperating from it. Sure, I do take my PTO and I have taken extended time off work, but the last time I took time off work, I was travelling like crazy. I didn't really sit with the mundane if that makes sense. And it's like, who am I and what does my leisure look like in a mundane setting if I take my job out of the equation? Don't get me wrong, I do think that it's infinitely better to cook a meal, get coffee at your local coffee shop, get a work out in, walk around outside and window shop, take in long form educational content and journal about it, and hang out with friends rather than lead an isolated existance where you rot in bed doomscrolling for 3+ hours a day. But all of those things feel like relaxing things to do in order unwind from work rather than things I'm actively working towards / engaged with. I think all of this is much better in terms of not turning into a nihilistic vegetable with a really bad screentime, but it too feels numb to a certain extent. It reminds me of the post that I wrote about regarding the stay at home girlfriend trend and the under current of nihilism: Yes, this influencer might have escaped the nihilism of a tireless corporate job and is living a comfortable existance. But, the soft girl life, where you're being provided by a rich man, you're spending a shit ton of time and energy on your appearance/ relaxing, you're doing these expensive work out classes, you're hanging out with other people in a similar class of trophy wives, you're engaging in luxury and hyper consumption etc. is still another capitalist fantasy that is sold to you to give you the illusion of letting go of capitalism, thus trapping us in it's ideology. As for the emptiness that comes from the routine above, I think that stems not from the lack of fulfillment with those activities but it has to do with how they're coming more from a self-care angle rather than a hobby angle. Don't get me wrong, I do think there can be overlap between hobbies and self care and that having hobbies is a form of self care. But I think it's more so that I'm doing things to take care of myself and rest rather than doing these things to actively pursue other goals. It then goes back to the stay at home girl friend example where sure she's getting in plenty of rest by waking up whenever she wants, working out, doing her skin care etc. but she's under utilizing her capabilities by being at rest mode all the time. I think the main difference between me and the stay at home girlfriend example is that I'm living this life style like once a week, while this is her life every single day. I think the fact that this is only my life style once a week makes it so that my routine feels nice and not an over kill but I do think that part of me starts to feel like this is an over kill after half of Sunday is done. On a similar note of the stay at home girlfriend trend, I came across the archetype of person who makes matcha, pilates, and shopping their personality trait because they're heavily influenced by social media culture. I think the stay at home girl friend trend is an extreme version of this archetype where it takes over your entire life style, but I do think this archetype can still manifest even if you have a job. I loved the way that this vide broke this down and I found myself resonating with the comments. "I cannot imagine a more unfulfilling, dull, or repetitive lifestyle than just consuming products, worrying about calories, or caring what strangers think of my looks." "at the end, it's all about looks, it's all about beauty. Pilates: to look better. Matcha: because it's good for your skin and body, and it makes you prettier. Shopping: for makeup an clothing, to look prettier. It's so exhausting, really." "The part of the audio 'and stay beautiful' quite hammers in the reductiveness of all the hyper-femininity trends. To me, it's essentially self-objectification. The idea that your contribution to society is only your appearance...you beauty, brings this back full circle. They're ultimate goal is beauty. They buy cosmetics for beauty. They consume certain wellness products for beauty, they exercise for beauty. All they think about is beauty and the idea is reinforced and wrapped in a pretty bow that is wellness culture." I think for a particular social media bubble, this is the mindset around the *matcha, pilates, and shopping* lifestyle depicted. And like the comment above said, the part that says "and stay beautiful" drives the sentiment home. I guess I found myself questioning where these habits come for me personally since I feel like I have kind of an adjacent life style. I do like my matcha. I might not do pilates specifically but I do work out and do little classes here and there. And while I don't shop all that much, I do like having a little look around. I think my main appeal around matcha is that I like the taste and it's like the only caffiene that I can tolerate without fucking up my sleep. I started drinking it at around 2019 as an alternative to coffee while I was studying in coffee shops. I feel like I have detached working out from looking a certain way and I mainly work out because it's fun, a stress reliever, and I like being around other people in classes. And I don't really have problematic shopping habits due to my upbringing, my anti-consumerist values, and my general habits. I just like walking around in stores because I don't like walking in suburban areas because they feel bleak. At least stores have things going on in it. I feel like my habit would manifest differently it I lived in a less car-centric area lol. "You shouldn’t be able to do Pilates if you have a gut or if you’re fat” tells me she knows absolutely nothing about the origin of Pilates (and WHY are these people so against fat people bettering themselves )" It's not that pilates it's the problem, it's why people do it and people's underlying attitudes around it. I think if I remember correctly, pilates was created for those with disabilities, specifically for rehabilitation purposes for soldies coming back from WW2 "I SO agree with you!! I watched the documentary The True Cost and it changed my life. Now that I’m aware of how the typical mindless-consumer western lifestyle exploits people in the global south, I’ve changed the way I live. Now everything I own is either handmade by me or second-hand, and I practice visible mending as a statement to the world that I am actively choosing to disconnect myself from consumerism as much as possible. And my life is so much BETTER for it! Slower, more fun, more enjoyable in every way. I have a lot more $ to save and to spend on experience rather than consumption. Highly recommended, much better than trying to portray an acceptable level of patriarchy-obedient femininity in front of the internet" I think this quote is a better way to articulate why I always feel weird around excessive consumption and compulsive shopping. "As an Asian person I’m really annoyed at the gentrification of matcha and other East Asian foods because those same white girls were the ones teasing me and my peers for eating rice at school or having “nasty” food. Interested to know how many of these influencers were unkind to their Asian peers when they were kids and then turn around and drink our tea improperly. I do find it annoying the way that matcha is having it's moment to where people are like gentrifying matcha. Like I swear I don't drink it in a bougie wellness way lmao. "It feels dystopian, almost Hunger Games-like, to see this kind of emptiness and self-centeredness in the current global climate. I love enjoying treats, exercising, and finding joy in daily life, too, but these kinds of posts carry a level of classism that really makes me sad and angry. Who gets to be 'allowed' to be this carefree and empty-headed while we’re living through a genocide and watching democracy erode in the U.S.? Joy is important, but this isn’t it. There’s something about it that feels especially classist and, honestly, racist. Edit: I commented in the first minute of the video, and then this diva went on and proved my point so much better than I ever could! <3""I’m not going to get mad at any woman that loves shopping, matcha/coffee, and Pilates. I love those things too and would happily drink more,exercise more, and shop more. It’s okay to splurge sometimes on the things you love. The key is to not be over influenced and make sure you are doing things for your own self-care that you actually enjoy." 100% agree. I do believe you can enjoy treats, exercising, and shopping here and there without it being your whole personality and without it being completely soulless. At the same time, it's weird how some people use these things to pacify themselves or they just put their head in the sand as all of these things are going on around us. "What kills me is that this 'lifestyle' requires generational wealth OR getting into massive debt, yet it's being sold as aspirational to all women. The 'matcha-pilates-shopping trinity' isn't about femininity, it's about class signaling disguised as self-care. We're being trained to see our value through how much we can consume rather than who we are...character...virtue...beliefs and convictions. Every time I see these trends, I think about how social media has driven them ALL and primarily to keep women financially and mentally exhausted. Getting offline might be the most radical act of self-care we can do." "shopping, pilates and drinking matcha are super nice activities to do. however, when you work hard to earn it, it feels different as when you do it everyday" I think these two quote goes back to what I'm saying on how there is a difference between doing this as a self care thing versus having self care take over your life to where you're too comfortable, too complacent, and too preoccupied by things that don't reflect your values or that box you into a rigid set of standards determined by other people to create meaning.

8/21/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 2 min Youtube: 1 hour 8 min watched video essays from 5-6pm Tetris: 28 min played Tetris for 20 minutes from 5-6pm while watching youtube videos and then for another 8 min before bed. Hexa Sort: 27 min played this for 25 min from 5-6pm and another time for like 2 min Tiktok: 20 min watched it between 10 pm-12 am Maps: 13 min Instagram 10 min checked it for like 6 min between 10-11am and then for another 4 min after work. Thoughts: I feel like my screentime would have been lower if I just paid attention to the videos I was watching instead of playing games at the same time. I'm trying to work on that because that's not great for the attention span lol. 8/22/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 20 min Youtube: 1 hour 1 min Listened to music while working and then watched videos for 20 min before bed. Tiktok: 43 min Mainly indulged in it after work as I was waiting on my boyfriend to get here so we can go to our friend's place together. I think I was just filling the space which I don't think it's all that great tbh. Instagram: 20 min checked it sporadically throughout the day and spent like 15 min on it at night before bed. Messages: 5 min

2025... So Far I can't say that 2025 has been a bad year. I've definitely had worse (lookin at you 2018, 2020, and 2021). I can't say that this year was personally chaotic for me (ahem... 2013, 2016 and 2020). I can't say that it was a good year either (I'm thinkin of you 2014, 2022 and 2023). I can't say that it was hard either (side eyes 2020, 2022, and 2024 to a certain extent), but it wasn't super quiet/chill either (2019, 2015, 2017, I see y'all hiding in the corner). (side note: I feel like I cannot say much about 2012 and before because I was a literal child and my memory is limited to general vibes personally and collectively) I just feel like 2025 was mid..... I think part of it is because this year was mildly depressing. Let's explore why lol: I have been depressed about the break up. I have been feeling an on going sense of dread the general state of the world. I have been having an existential crisis around nihilism. I have been feeling socially isolated and unfulfilled. And all of this is going on while I'm trying to seem normal at my 9 to 5 corporate job and burning myself out emotionally in the process. I'm putting the emphasis on mildly because I feel like now, as an adult with a full time job and bills, I have more responsibilites I have to take care of so I don't get the privilege of crashing tf out. I also don't feel like crashing out in the same way because I have better coping strategies, I'm out of my parent's house, and I am priviledged enough to have a general sense of financial stability to weather what we're going through right now economically and politically. I don't feel great, but this isn't like a 2016, 2018, 2020, 2021 kind of moment. I also don't feel super amazing either. I think part of it is that I didn't meet any big external milestone this year in terms of accomplishments. I became more social, studied abroad, met my current partner, and graduated college in 2022. I got my first corporate job, saved a ton of money, and got my own place in 2023. In 2024 I travelled a lot. So in comparison, 2025 feels like a bit of a lull. But I can think of some positive things that have come out of this year. I'm much more comfortable in my body which feels huge. I have been actively engaging with life more and as a result things have felt more fulfilling as of late (see the post titled "Working on my Internalized Cultural Nihilism"). I have a deeper connection with my partner and I'm happy of what we have built together and I'm looking forward to what we're going build together. Sure, there are some things in my life I want to change, but I feel much more content as I'm learning to embrace the season of my life that I'm at right now, even if it's not my favorite season. As far as political chaos goes, I feel like I have been on the chaos train since 2015. So, 2025 doesn't feel super notable to me or like some kind of peak. It's been constantly chaotic but I feel like there are certain spikes (the 2016 election to the first 100 days of Trump's presidency in 2017, the entirety of 2020, and now 2025). Like therapy is cool and all, but I need societal change, a different government, and time to chill with the homies to feel good about life. The air doesn't feel good right now in the collective. I don't know where I was going with this entry. I guess I just wanted to reflect on the year and take inventory of how I have been doing as of late. I don't feel bad about 2025 being mid. I'm sure that from 1999 to idk, sometime in the 2090s if I'm lucky, I'm bound to have a few years that are kind of mid lol.

8/17/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 58 min Tiktok: 1 hour 43 min Will do more reflection on this later Instagram: 45 min Most of this was between 5 and 7 pm. I just didn't have much going on at the time. Hexa Sort: 15 min Again, around 5 and 7 pm Photos: 9 min Messages: 9 min Safari: 6 min 8/18/2025 Screentime: 5 hours 7 min Tiktok: 2 hours 36 min Will do more reflection on this later Youtube: 1 hour 25 min some music and some video essays Maps: 33 min Safari: 10 min Snapchat: 7 min Instagram: 3 min 8/19/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 50 min Youtube: 1 hour pretty much all music Tiktok: 45 min Opened it at random times between 2 and 8 pm Hexa Sort: 31 min Played it when work felt kind of slow. Safari: 10 min Instagram:11 min checked it during my lunch hour. Maps: 8 min 8/20/2025 Screentime: 1 hour 25 min Messages: 19 min made plans with friends and got into a conversation Youtube: 16 min listened to some music while cooking. I didn't use my Youtube much all today because my internet was acting up and because work got busy. I feel like that's the reason why my screentime was so low today. Instagram: 12 min checked it sporadically between 1 and 5 pm Tetris: 10 min played with it a little while things were slow at work. Hexa Sort: 8 min played with it for 4 min during my lunch break and for another 4 min in the evening. Tiktok: 8 min watched it during my lunch break

8/13/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 52 min Maps: 57 min Tiktok: 45 min This was between the times of 10am to 1pm Youtube: 34 min Listened to music during work Instagram: 8 min This was between 8-9pm Settings; 8 min I was journalling about my screentime at 1am Messages: 5 min 8/14/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 4 min Youtube: 1 hour 7 min Listened to music after work and got caught up with politics in the evening Hexa Sort: 35 min played this while talking to my boyfriend for like 25 min because I wanted to do something with my hands and also played this for 10 min before bed TikTok: 34 min spent 25 min in the morning and 9 min before bed. Safari: 24 min sporadic google searches Tetris: 8 min played this right before bed 8/15/2025 Screentime: 4 hours 56 min Youtube: 3 hours 2 hours of this was me listening to music during work and 1 hour was me watching video essays Tiktok: 45 min 13 min from 1am to 2 am , 22 min between 10am-12pm, and for 6 min from 4 to 5pm. Hexa Sort: 36 min played 7 min during my lunch break and played it for 28 min while I was watching videos Tetris: 22 min played it from 8pm to 9pm Instagram: 9 min I just opened the app multiple times throughout the day Safari: 8 min very sporadic 8/16/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 46 min Youtube: 51 min watched videos for 30 min while I was waiting on a restaurant to open Maps: 35 min Tiktok: 32 min This was between 10am to 12pm Instagram: 26 min was on Instagram between 2-4pm for 21 min and opened the app a couple times. Thoughts: I feel like I was on Tiktok a lot this week because I missed being on Tiktok more. It didn't feel compulsive but I did find myself reaching for it more because my job was kind of slow. I will also be honest, while it's good that I'm on my phone less, I have been on my laptop more watching a ton of Youtube videos. I found this new creator and I'm just binging their content and analyzing things. I don't think this is too bad since I leave feeling like I was utilizing my critical thinking skills rather than feeling like a vegetable.

Drive to Target https://www.tiktok.com/@sadbeige/video/7523020212824755486?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7528899646383998494 This came up on my For You Page. I felt seen in that this is how my brain has been feeling since the inauguration but it also feels incredibly chilling. I want to unpack that here and write about it as if I'm doing a rough draft for an English paper in school. The video opens with the line "19 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women." It shows a screenshot of a BuzzFeed Article with Pete Davidson with the caption "Apparently, women talk in great detail about it, guys usually don't." The article itself says 17 but the speaker says 19 instead. Then, the video shows another article from a celebrity news section that says "These young Actors were Famous AF Until They Disappeared from The Spotlight." Intermittently, the video interrupts by saying "Drive to Target." Another article the video mentions in the first few seconds is an article from a shopping section that says "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying." Instead the speaker replaces the 26 with 33. Then, she repeats the line about how these young actors were famous until suddenly disappeared. She then repeats the line "suddenly disappeared" 4 times and then says the number 1933. As she is saying this, there are 2 news articles, one titled "A Maryland Mother was detained by ICE nearly two weeks ago. So far, no evidence has been provided" and another titled " ICE Separates Mother from Breastfeeding Baby After Arrest at a Routine Greed Card Appintment." Soon after, the article about "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying" covers the articles and the speaker repeats the title of the same article. Out of all the celebrity news articles she has chosen, the significance of the "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women" and how the screenshot shows the quote "Apparently, women talk in great detail about it, guys usually don't" is that it alludes to the gender differences in the political polariziation present today in the U.S. Women are more likely to identify as Democrat and men are more likely to identify as Republican. This gender divide is wider amoung Gen-Z. NBC news explains: "A slight majority of Gen Z women (52%) say they consider themselves to be Democrats — the largest concentration of any age and gender group within one political party. Among Gen Z men, one-third say they are Democrats. Meanwhile, 38% of Gen Z men identify as Republican, compared to 20% of Gen Z women. The partisan gender gap is wider among Gen Z than in any other generation." This gender divide also affects this generation socially with men feeling like they have a "brutally honest 'truth'" that they can't share with women in the form of conservative values and positions and how women often "talk a great detail about it", it being the current state of affairs that is going on. There is an assumption that truth has to be brutal and devoid of compassion in conservative circles in the way that they believe that every person is out for themselves and that we shouldn't bother trying to help one another. However, this is just an assumptions since the data shows that having policy based on compassion that creates institutions to help the marginalized is better for society as a whole rather than leaving people to their own devices. There is also a wider sentiment of feeling like you need to continue on with normal life amidst all of the current events and that talking about what's going on is seen as being overly emotional and dramatic. Nevertheless, people are talking about it but it's reserved for the subtitles of our conversations rather than the headlines in our day to day lives. The article "These young Actors were Famous AF Until They Disappeared from The Spotlight" from the celebrity section along with the article "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women" highlights the focus on celebrity culture, how mundane it, and how we as a society focus on that first over current events. It is later juxataposed with articles about ICE separating people from their families as the speaker repeats the phrase "suddenly disappeared." The article "These young Actors were Famous AF Until They Disappeared from The Spotlight" indicates people caring about celebrities disappearing first before caring about regular civillians disappearing. The third article that is featured before the disappearances of civillians under the handling of ICE is "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying." Like the articles about celebrity culture, this article from the shopping section also highlights the mundane elements of life as these major histortical events are happening. The hyperbolic nature phase "you won't be able to resist" is later repeated in the video but in the beginning of the segment, the audiance doesn't realize how hyperbolic it is because it's a common phrase in marketing to draw people in. This dynamic exemplifies how consumerism is used as a distraction to draw people away from the tragedies happening around us. It alienates us from our reality and presents shopping as a coping mechanism from a sense of lack of community. Then the speaker says "Drive to Target." On surface it's a demand to keep shopping and ignore what's going on and it's a message to middle class and upper middle class Americans who often go to Target for daily necessities. There have also been many creators that use excessive Target hauls, usually for beauty products, as a way to garner attention, views, and revenue on social media. It has been pointed out that this contributes to the overconsumption and compulsory consumption in the U.S. In addition to the class indication of choosing Target over say their counterpart Walmart, the word "target" and how you should drive towards it also indicates moving towards a specific goal. However, the goal is not directly specified and the robotic nature of the speakers voice illustrates a robotic and mechanical nature to the way that we are moving towards a future fueled by excessive consumption, celebrity idolization, and an order to keep business running as usual both in the corporate and personal sense, as we numb our emotions to human tragedies around us. This is futher indicated by the way that the article "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying" covers up the headlines about ICE separating families. Finally, the speaker says the number 1933, the year that Adolf Hitler became chancellor of Germany. Saying this right after the speaker repeats the words "suddenly disappeared" with the articles about ICE separating families alludes to the parallels of what happened during Nazi Germany to what is going on now. 1933 is the start of Hitler's term and the speaker is indicating that what ICE is doing is a concerning start to previous patterns in history. Then the speaker asks "Are we still talking about Sabrina Carpenter on her knees or did we move past all that?" This is another reference to celebrity culture and soon after the speaker asks this, she references the article "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women." The discussion around Sabrina Carpenter's album cover "Man's Best Friend" revolved around the imagery of Sabrina on her knees crawling like a dog next to a man who is standing above her gripping her hair. Some people thought this was misogynistic and done in poor taste given the political environment where women are losing their reproductive rights and how the conservative social environment is encouraging the return of traditional gender roles from the trad wife, soft life, and sprinkle, sprinkle trends. At the same time others saw this album cover as something that the artist did ironically and as a joke to enrage the public so we talk about it, put our attention towards it, and buy the cover. Therefore, the misogynistic undertones are "not that deep." This dynamic between some people calling out misogyny and other forms of bigotry and some people thinking the same indications of misogyny is not serious, a joke, or ironic, is a dyamic that can also be observed in the wider political discourse as some people are alarmed by what is going on while others are determined to carry on life as usual. Additionally, the phrase "did we move past all that" despite the fact that the video was created not long after the discussions arose about the album cover indicates how we are quick to move on from public discourse about any topic and how that impact our ability to process through events happening in the news and pop culture. The imagery was released less than 2 months before the video in this essay. After asking this question, the speaker shows the article "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women" to compare the misogynistic tendencies in the album cover with the allusion of the political polarization between men and women. She then repeats the number "19," says the phrase "brutally honest truths," and then repeats the number "33." This portion uses celebrity culture and consumer culture to indirectly reference the brutality of the events that followed after Hitler took power in 1933. Then, she repeats the phrase "You won't be able to resist" three times with the article "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying" showing on the screen. The phrase "you won't be able to resist" as it's juxtaposed with the words "brutally honest truths" and the year 1933 serves as warning of having limited civil liberties and ability to fight against an authoritarian regime as it is set in motion. This phrase, when viewed by itself apart from the context of marketing, feels much more sinister compared to the way it was said earlier in the video. Soon after, the speaker starts talking about the "Taylor Swift Backlash to visiting sick kids." The audiance doesn't get a chance to process the mood before hand where she was talking about not being able to resist and the speaker swiftly goes to a new topic. The screenshot shown has the caption "Why does it have to be filmed? Fans criticize Taylor Swift." This points to the hypocrisy of celebrity activism and how it is seen as inauthentic and for the cameras rather than an actual concern for the people impacted. The question "Why does this have to be filmed?" is a question for the situation around Taylor Swift but it also calls into question about other tragedies being filmed, the ethics around that, and what is and isn't appropriate to cover in the media. It also begs the question of why Taylor Swift is being filmed as opposed to what is going on with regular people. The video then repearts the words "Kids" 3 times as it shows numerous article about childrent being detained by ICE and separated from their families. She then says "19 brutally honest truths" and the words "men" and "kids" followed by the phrase "men have a hard time sharing with women" and then it goes back to repeating the words with men and kids. There are more articles about ICE deporting migrants that cover the screen. The phrase "men have a hard time sharing with woment" references the gender difference again on how the genders are processing these events and how men are encouraged to cover up their feelings instead of communicating about them. Then she says the words "suddenly brutally honestly disappeared." She takes these words from the initial articles she referenced in the video and juxtaposes them to underscore the chilling nature of what's going on around us. In the same way that the sinister phrase "you won't be able to resist" is swiftly transitioned to talking about Taylor Swift, this section, though chilling, is swiftly shifted to the phrase "drive to Target" without letting people fully process the mood. But, she pauses for a few seconds before saying "you won't be able to resist" yet again. This illustrates the common experience a lot of people have where given the news cycle, the speed in which we get information, and the way that we passively scroll through and transition between news stories and more lighthearted topics on social media, and how this media environment is not condusive to fully feel what is going on with the world around them. However, the moment that you sit with it, even for a few brief moments, it often becomes grim unbearable. Which is why the audience sits with this mood with nothing but screenshot of the Target in the background, thus indicating consumerism not only as a distraction, but as a coping mechanism. The speaker then asks "Are we still talking about 1933? Or did we move on?" It asks the audience to reflect on the events of the past, why similar patterns are repeating in the present day, and if it's happening because we moved on. The audience gets a brief pause to reflect, as though this is the final thoughts this video is going to end with, only to be told to "drive to target" yet again. This exemplifies that while we are trying to reflect on the video that we will be soon inundated with with more distractions as a way to numb us and drive us away from introspection.

8/11/2025 Screentime: 4 hours 20 min Youtube: 1 hour 55 min Mostly music with a couple video essays Tiktok: 46 min Most of this was between 9am to 11am. I think this was me dealing with the Monday feeling. Maps: 32 min Got dinner at a restaurant Messages: 30 min Honestly, I'm not going to elaborate on this category because it's pretty straight forward and not for a significant portion of time. I just responded to a few people. Hexa Sort: 26 min I was on this app while talking on the phone with a friend. Not super proud of that lol. Instagram: 13 min Spent 9 min on this app from 1pm to 2pm and for 4 min between 8pm and 9pm. 8/12/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 53 min Youtube: 1 hour 42 min Pretty much all music Instagram: 26 min This was between 2 and 5pm Hexa Sort: 15 min Played it from 1-2pm for 6 min and for 9 min from 6-7pm Tiktok: 12 min Checked Tiktok between 10am and 11am for 7 min and checked it for 5 min between 2-3pm. Tetris: 10 min It was between 2-3pm Messages: 7 min Settings: 10 min This was me checking my screentime so that I can journal lol. Thoughts: I think I was checking Instagram, Tetris, and Tiktok a lot in the afternoon because I was tired during work but work wasn't over yet. I also feel like my screentime was lower today because I was a bit insecure about my screentime from Monday so I made it a point to stay away from my phone even though I did use it for unhealthy purposes. I also have noticed that I tend to use my phone more on Mondays specifically compared to the other days of the week and I think that's me trying to deal with the Monday feeling with the extra dopamine I get from my phone. Speaking of exta dopamine, I also noticed that since putting the limits on my phone between 10pm and 9am that I do have the urge to check my phone and check social media as the first thing when I wake up, even if it's only for 5 min. I think I rely on that dopamine to get my day started.

8/10/2025 Screentime: 4 hours 56 min Youtube: 2 hours 6 min Mostly music + showed my boyfriend a couple of video essays. Tiktok: 58 min watched it between 1-2am for like 32 min and then a couple different times throughout the day for 13 minutes each The time between 1-2 am was because I woke up from a REALLY bad nightmare and I felt like I needed to watch something funny to not ruminate and then go back to sleep lol. Maps: 42 min was running errands and meeting up with people Safari: 24 min Random searches throughout the day. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what exactly I was doing. Instagram: 15 min Just checked it once around lunch time. Messages: 11 min Texted back a few people. Nothing too crazy.

8/9/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 52 min Youtube: 1 hour 12 min Pretty much all music Hexa Sort: 36 min This was between the hours of 8-9pm. I was playing this as I was on the phone with my boyfriend. Tiktok: 35 min Spent time on tiktok for 17 min from 12am to 1am because I was having trouble sleeping and then for another 18 min between 11am to 12pm. Safari: 30 min Spent 13 min during the hours of 12am to 1am and for like a few minutes here and there between 4-6pm. Maps: 26 min I went to the hair salon and came back home Messages: 9 min Responded to a couple messages Instagram: 9 min spent 6 of those minutes between 11am-12pm and another 3 min between 2-3pm. Thoughts: I'm proud of not mindlessly scrolling even though I was bored at the hair salon. Not proud of being on the internet at 1 am.

Working on my Internalized Cultural Nihilism I have written out a few goals here and there in my posts about how to get out of this mess for me personally. And I want to revist those and put in my own input on where I've been since. It's been about 2.5 months since I started reflecting on this matter and realizing it's a problem. Other things I have been doing to combat the nihilism/apathy I have been critiquing convenience culture and been pushing against it whenever.Some things I have been doing include: Just putting in a little bit more effort to pick up after myself allowing myself to randomly go to the grocery store if there is something that I want to cook but doesn't warrent a whole grocery haul in the middle of the week sometimes doing my makeup even if I'm staying home all day avoiding ai use personally and professionally I know this small list doesn't sound super drastic but it's more of a mindset shift if anything. I have stopped labeling myself up as being too sensitive or having an existential crisis I had a therapy appointment a few weeks back where I pulled up and I was like *new day, new existential crisis lol.* And my therapist was like "you use that term a lot, what does that mean to you?" So then I explained that it means that I'm all up in my head about something, I'm doing some research by reading and watching video essays on how this impacts my life, and how I'm journalling and staying up at night in my feelings. My therapist then was like *you're not having an existential crisis, you're just processing your emotions and using your critical thinking skills.* And that got me thinking about why I label basic functioning as "having a crisis." So it's like, am I having an existential crisis, or am I just rubbing two braincells together in a world that prioritizes intellectual complacency and emotional numbness through ant-iintellectualism and overconsumption/ convenience culture. Like I think that the "It's not that deep" crowd has done a number on me. And I think that things like anti-intellectualism, overconsumption, and convenience culture are elements found in this broader sense of cultural nihilism. I have been trying more at work lately and I have been more sociable /showing up as more myself. I'm still maintaining my professional boundaries but I have been making more of an effort to help out at work and talk a little more about my personal life. It isn't much but I think it's helping in terms of my over all satisfaction at this job. We also have a couple of new hires that are cool and who I feel like I open up around more since they're so open. So that's been helpful. I have been trying to take myself more seriously both professionally and personally as a capable woman rather than defaulting to irony and poking fun at myself and situation. Nothing wrong with that, but I think I was too far on the opposite end. I wrote about this more in depth in a previous post: I have been observing the nihilism with the people around me more as case studies on what NOT to do. My main case studies include N, R, my parents, and the boomers I have to fight at my job. I'm trying to push against the plague that is anti-intellectualism either socially in a tactful way, or internally in the way that I can fall into intellectual laziness Some traps I find myself suceptible to that I'm addressing includ not fact checking all the time, and passively consuming content I have been watching movies more and have been using them as a tool to reflect personally and strengthen my media literacy skills. I'm not a huge movie head but I've watched F1, Sinners, The Penguins of Madegascar, and Superman recently. I'm trying to unpack my puer aternis tendencies and the way that it manifests in my attitude towards my career. I feel like this could be a post by itself. The way that the nihilism still gets to me: an over all feeling of numbness around politics (I don't give a fuck about the epstien stuff) bad life style habits (awful sleep schedule, weird hunger cues, not working out, being kind of disorganized in my surroundings) I haven't been making a solid effort in putting myself out there to make more friends. I haven't been reading and I think my attention span is still not great. I need more hobbies that isn't just journalling, listenting to video essays, and working out Back when I originally started having this crisis, I was reflecting on all the ways I'm kind of a loser and I want to revisit that to see what I do and don't resonate with now lol: I also wrote this around the same time period:

8/8/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 29 min Youtube: 1 hour 21 min mostly music with a couple video essays thrown in. Safari: 47 min 20 of those minutes was in the middle of the night. I was on etsy looking at some stuff. Another 20 min was porn. And then you have a few minutes of sporadic google searches. Instagram: 32 min 29 of those minutes was between the hours of 5-7pm. The other 3 minutes was I guess me opening the app a couple times before lunch sporadicaly. Tiktok: 14 min 12 of those minutes was in the middle of the night. I think I also opened it once during my lunch hour Photos: 13 min I couldn't sleep last night so I was taking screenshots from etsy of some things I want and I was organizing that in my phone. Thoughts: From the 20 min on Safari, the 12 min on TikTok, and the 13 min on my photo album, that totals to 45 min on my phone when I should have been sleeping. That's not great lol. But if we take those 45 min out of my total screen time, we get 2 hours and 44 min which is a record low for me on a day where I'm not particularly social. However, I will say that I have been journalling in private and i watched some pretty lengthy video essays I put in the background as I was working. So, the 2 hours 45 min is not a super accurate description of my total screentime, just my phone. But then again, the screentime that bothers me the most is my phone usuage. Even though I'm on my laptop a lot outside of work, I do think that I have a generally healthy relationship with it. I don't often leave my laptop feeling like shit after being on it for a long time the way I do with my phone. I could do better with my overall screentime but for now, a win is a win lol.

1 Month Check In I have been tracking my phone screentime for about a month now. I think I have seen a gradual decrease where before my average screentime was like 5 hours a day and now it's more like 3.5 to 4 hours a day. I think that's good progress so far. I think I have also cut down on a lot of problematic social media usuage like explained in #2 and #3. However, I feel like I can do better. Unfortunately, I can't say that I have been reading all that much. I think I would transition into buying a dumb phone once my screentime dips into the 2.5 to 3 hour range.

8/4/2025 Screentime: 5 hours 27 min Youtube: 2 hours 32 min I did listen to a lot of video essays while working. Hexa Sort: 1 hour 21 min I don't trust this number because it says I was on Hexa Sort for 53 minutes between 8-9pm. I think I just had the app open but I wasn't using this. Tiktok: 56 min I found that most of this was right at my lunch hour. Tetris: 43 min It says the entire duration was between 8-9pm. I think I played it for a few minutes and the app was just left open. Instagram: 17 min This was pretty sporadic throughout the day. Thoughts: I think I was just having an existential crisis this day so I was seeking out content and understanding to cope. I can't say that I felt good, but I didn't feel bad either. 8/5/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 44 min Youtube: 3 hours mostly music with a couple video essays sprinkled in. Notes: 1 hour 10 min I spent some time on it to create a grocery list and go shopping. But it says I was on it for 55 min ffrom 5-6 pm which doesn't add up. Instagram: 1 hour 3 min It says that I checked it for 8 min between 4-5pm which checks out. But it also says I was on there for 55 min between 5-6pm. I was cooking dinner at that time. Threads: 55 min The entire amount was between 5 and 6pm. Again, I was cooking dinner during that time. I was not on Threads. Maybe I checked it for like 10 min but then I left the app open? Safari: 14 min Gonna be honest, I just watched some porn. That's it. Thoughts: I think the final screentime amount makes sense if I was on Youtube for 3 hours, on Safari for 14 min, and spent a total of 30 min on Notes, Instagram, and Threads combined. But the amount of time on some of these individual apps just doesn't make sense at all. 8/6/2025 Screentime: 4 hours 16 min Youtube: 2 hours majority was music Maps: 46 min needed some help navigating Tiktok: 26 min I checked it once between 12am and 1am for 7 min when I couldn't sleep and then for like 19 min between 7pm and 8pm. Messages: 17 min I was just texting people back and forth throughout the day. Instagram 9 min I checked it for 2 min between 1 and 2pm, for 4 min between 3 and 4pm , and for 3 min between 6 and 7 pm. 8/7/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 34 min Youtube: 2 hours pretty much all music Tiktok: 46 min I just didn't feel like working today so I had a series of Tiktok breaks lol. Settings: 18 min This is all from me using this app to figure out my screentime as I'm journaling. Clock: 15 min Used a timer a few times throughout the day Instagram: 6 min Just checked it once between 8-9 pm

All The Ways People Are Different This is going to be more of a post that is all over the place but I wanted to get my thoughts out nonetheless. I think as I'm navigating my mid-20s and I'm figuring out what kind of life I want to craft for myself, I'm also noticing on how that is different from the people around me. I'm trying my best to have an open mind and expand my horizons and avoid the spirit of judgement to take over me. After all, when it comes to my friendships, I don't aspire to have a group of people who are essentially clones of me. I like being around different kinds of people and that isn't limited to demographical markers like differences in race, religion, sexuality, age, etc. I want to explore that more in this post. Different Communication Styles: I'm very much a "ask" culture kind of person. I have encountered people who are more "guess" culture and I'm still trying to find the best way to navigate around it without judgement. The "guess" culture people seem to be passive aggreesive, lacking in communication skills, and kind of shady to me. But I can recognize that this bias has to do with me being an "ask" culture kind of person. And I'm sure that the "guess" people probably see me as lacking in social skills and tact for being so direct all the time. I don't know if I could be good friends with someone who is far into the "guess" culture of things. Maybe this is something that I need to work on more on my end. Not to mention, there are a lot of differences in communication skills across culture and when you also factor in neurodivergence as well. That I feel like I generally know how to navigate well. Different Life Priorities: I feel like I tend to prioritize friendship a lot, more so than the average person. But I feel like there are people who mainly prioritize career, family, a significant other, money, spirituality, working out, a specific hobby etc. I don't have a problem with this so long as 1. it doesn't consume your life and identity completely to where you cannot pour into other areas of your life, and 2. it's coming from a generally healthy place. There is a difference, for example, between someone who prioritizes career because they base their self worth on achievement versus someone who prioritizes their career because it's something that gives them fulfillment because it's the vessel in which they express their values. There is a differece between parents who completely isolate themselves into their nuclear family to where they see other people who don't do the same as immature or lacking in values, versus parents who might pout a lot of time and energy into the early life of their baby and then have a more balanced life as the kid gets older. There is a difference between focusing on your money to get out of debt or a difficult financial situation in the mean time versus becoming insatiable with money. I can also understand on how this can shift and change throughout different seasons of people's lives. I think when it comes to all of the priorities above, I can be pretty open minded around all of them. I think the one I struggle to wrap my head around is the people who center their lives around their significant other. The whole thing feels pretty foreign to me even as someone who is in a happy and healthy relationship for the past 3 years. I feel like there is a lot of cultural baggage around the overemphasis on monogamy and romantic relationships and how that's seen as the main source of love for heteronormative people. There is also a lot of patriarchial notions surrounding this as well that I feel like we need to unpack. I guess the other thing is that with all the other categories, I have seen healthy and unhealthy forms of this but for the people who center their lives aroudn their significant other, I've only seen that end badly. Maybe that's just my bias from my own life experience. I think I'm best suited to people who prioritize friendship in a similar way compared to me in terms of having deeper relationships. But I'm also willing to have friends with different priorties and values as that can be something that I believe I learn a lot from. Different ways to process emotions: Some people need space to process through things. Other people want to talk about anything other than what's going on because they spend so much time thinking about it or dealing with it so they need space from the issue at hand. Some people don't need to talk rather your presance alone, physical or otherwise, makes them feel better. Some people need you to be practical and get into problem solving mode and some people just want you to listen. And then there are people like me who need to talk to people and write things out. I think in the past I have had the bias that everyone feels supported if you allow them to talk about what's bothering them and you listen attentively and as a result, some people in my life didn't feel supported even though I thought I was being supportive and there for them. I also think that this can shift and change throughout a person's life or depending on the situation they are dealing with. Different love languages: I feel like a lot of people have talked about this so I'm not going to reiterate that. I feel like I'm very much a quality time and physical touch person. I think in the past, I used to judge people who experience love through gifts as materialistic and shallow. But I have had a couple of friends who have gift giving as a love language and it always manifested in a wholesome way. Like I have a friend who made me a scapbook for my birthday that was carefully thoughout out. It wasn't an expensive gift, but it most certainly showed intentionality. I'm not the best at gift giving. I grew up in a household that just gave money and gift cards for special occasions and I have heard that some people kind of take offense to that because it essentially communicates that you don't know the person well enough to make a well thought out gift. So, that's a skill set I'm working on. Different conflict resolution styles: Some people are more passionate and don't mind yelling at their partner or bickering back and forth to get things off their chest. Other people, like my partner and I, tend to be more mellow in that we never had a "fight" but we do have our occasional disagreements that we discuss and proactively address. Some people need to sleep on an issue to come back to it with a clearer head while other people don't like to go to bed angry. Some people need an apology that expresses sincerity though you looking remorseful while other people want something more concise because anything more can look performative. Some people want a detailed understanding about why someone did something in their apology while others see that as making excuses and being argumentative. Some people only accept apologies in the form of changed behavior for better and for worse. Some people need more space and more time than others to get into a better head space. And again, the ask and guess culture stuff comes into play as well. I think the one that I struggle with the most is people who are more agressive. I cannot handle people yelling at me. I might not cry, but I can feel myself emotionally checking out and dissassociating to where nothing is productive is going to come from it. Nevertheless, I'm still figuring out how to navigate this so that I can better stand up for myself in the moment. I don't think I can be friends with someone who is more on the aggressive/ fiesty side and cannot adjust to being more mellow because that seems like it would be a lot for me. Nevertheless, i think it's important to know who to navigate situations and people like this. Different Lifestyles: I know people who have stable 9-5s, people who want to be a stay at home parent for a few years, people who travel around, people who are in more creative fields, people who are in their side quest era in terms of figuring their lives out, people who have kids, people who got married in a spectrum of ages, people who are REALLY into BDSM, people who party, people who are homebodies, people who are relgious and people who are not.I love being around people who have different life experiences than my own or people who are in different industries. Personally, I don't give a fuck where you fall in your lifestyle choices so long as you're not being stupid about it lol. it's not about the choices themselves rather it's the thinking process that led you to those choices and how you navigate it. That's what I'm more so interested in when I'm trying to evaluate whether someone would be a good fit for me as a friend or what their degree of critical thinking/ consciousness is like.

8/3/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 55 min Tiktok: 45 min I hit up against my limit and decided to stop then and there. This wasn't sporadic. This happened between 11am to 1pm. Maps: 40 min I went to a coffee shop like 20 min away from my home and so I needed the GPS to navigate there and back. Messages: 32 min Talked to a few people and responded to some messages Instagram: 15 min This was very sporadic. From 10 am to 11am, I spent 2 min on the app. From 11am to 12pm it was 2 min. From 1pm to 2pm it was 1 min. From 3pm to 4pm it was 1 min. From 5pm to 6pm it was 9 min. I guess since the algorithm isn't tailored to me, I don't get sucked into it in the way that TikTok sucks me in and that's why my use is more sporadic. Still, I feel like a crackhead when I keep checking like this even if I'm not spending an extend period of time on the app. Safari: 7 min Had a couple of random google searches.

Body Image Update It's been more than 5 months since the surgery. I still pretty good about the results though I'm adjusting to my current proportions. I feel like I'm like 85% satisfied with my body but the last 15% has been flaring up. I remember right after the surgery, I went through a phase where I felt like I looked as though I had a BBL because I thought my ass looke disproportionate to the rest of my body. That feeling has since subsided. Now, I'm crashing out over my boobs. I was really freaking out about it like a month / month and half ago because I'm essentially built like an airpod and I feel like my chest is freakishly large. i got my bra professionally fitted and I was also told that I'm a 30L. I guess it's good that I found a bra that fits and that I look less like an airpod but an L cup?!?!! That sounds sooo fake. Granted most people are wearing the wrong bra size so our perception of what is considered big and small is very skewed but hearing that I'm an L is still something that I'm trying to wrap my head around without feeling like a fetish or freak of nature. Shopping for clothes is still a struggle. Nothing fits my chest and I feel disproportionate. Sometimes I think about how I should have gotten a breast reduction when I got the tummy tuck. But on the brightside, though shopping is still frustrating, at least I no longer walk out of stores hating myself and feeling grossed out like I did before. There are also small thing that I have nitpicked about my body in the past that is coming back up. I have a little back fat, not enough for rolls but enough to where I notice and extra amount of squish when I put on a bra or anything form fitting. I always felt like my arms were kind of big. And my thighs touch. Usually, these things were mildly annoying but I guess it's more so has been in the fore front as I'm adjusting to my new proportions. It's easy to hyperfixate on the little things once the big insecurity has been taken care of. I feel like month 1 was the most neutral month where I was physically working on healing from the surgery itself and I was in the *what have I done to my body* phase. Like I felt good in the sense that I had a sense of what the results were going to be like but I was still in the trust the process phase (I would rate this a 4/10). Month 2 was when some of the results were coming in and I was feeling my best body image wise (I would rate this a 9/10). Month 3 had me feeling weird about my ass and weird about changing beauty standards but decent over all (7/10). Month 4 had me feeling more neutral and adjusted to my proportions (6/10). Month 5 has me feeling weird about my chest (3/10). Now, I would say I'm feeling more like a 6/10. Overall, right now as I'm moving from the 5 month mark to the 6 month mark , I feel good about my body but I feel like my brain is still adjusting to a few things. I might not be 100% satified with my body but I do feel like I'm over all more proportionate and that I feel much better than how I felt about myself presurgery. I'm also glad that these fluctuations are also not affecting my relationship with food with feels huge to me. I do feel like my relationship with food has been a bit off lately because of my overall mental health and how sometimes when I'm depressed I lose my appetite and I lose my energy to work out. And as a result of being out of my routine, there is a part of me that is afraid I'm going to gain all the weight back from the surgery and wind up looking weird as hell. I've also been dealing with some weird bloating due to things like food poisoning and some times eating meals with too much sodium and that messes with my head a little as I have been trying to adjust to my proportions. In the end of the day, despite my body image fluctuating like this, even when i felt like a 3/10, I still felt like I made the right decision to get the surgery done throughout all of this and I still feel better than presurgery. And I think that's what matters.

8/2/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 17 min Youtube: 1 hour 38 min watched a few video essays Safari: 1 hour 12 min I don't think this is an accurate number. It says that I spent an hour on Safari from 9 pm-10pm. I checked a couple things online but I wasn't on there the entire hour. I think I just had the app open. Plus, if this were the case, my screentime would add up to more than the 3 hours and 17 min shown after taking the other apps to consideration. Instagram: 37 min I checked Instagram from 1am to 2am in the morning for 7 min, from 5pm -6pm for 10 min, from 8pm -9pm for 10 min, and from 9pm to 10pm for another 10 min. Hexa Sort: 26 min I was playing this in the evening while listening to a video essay. Tiktok: 21 min I spent this time from 10-12pm. Thoughts: My screentime felt kind of low today. Usually that is the case if I have a packed or social day but I didn't do jack shit today. I spent a lot of time just relaxing tbh and I think it's a good sign that I'm able to relax without zoning out in front of a screen. I was also playing around with the settings on my phone and I saw that there is a way to disable your phone usuage between certain hours of the day. This is with the exception of a couple of communication apps, the clock app, and maps. I'm going to try that out by disabling my phone usage from 10 pm to 9 am in the morning.

Y'all have such creative imaginations, much more creative than my own, when it comes to my user name

This cracked me up lmaoooo soos_mite_ah is actually a really bad misprounciation of my actual name

8/01/2025 Screentime: 4 hours 30 min Youtube: 1 hour 49 min Pretty much all music Instagram: 59 min Very sporadic: 7am - 8am : 6 min 8am- 9am: 18 min (calls were slow at work and I had nothing better to do lol) 11 am - 12 pm: 10 min (another period of slowness) 12 pm -1pm : 1 min 1pm - 2pm: 2 min 5pm - 6pm: 2 min 7pm - 8 pm: 1 min 8pm - 9pm: 10 min (I was at my uncle's house bored lol) I need to learn how to better deal with boredom lol. Messages: 30 min sent a couple audio messages to a friend going through something Hexa Sort: 25 min played like 15 min in the afternoon to decompress from my day and like 10 min in the morning Tiktok: 18 min checked it in the morning for like 6 min and spent like 10 min on it in the afternoon. Ngl, I do get weirded out when I notice that I'm on social media at like 7 am in the morning whenever I do these logs and I actually write things out and bring my habits to light. Photos: 15 min scrolled through my camera roll and deleted some things.