soos_mite_ah

Hey @RendHeaven, it's good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well This is my first time hearing this quote but imma start using this Who is the certain role model btw? Was it one of Leo's quotes? I feel like I haven't watched his content in forever. This section got be thinking about my thoughts on the pandemic and this cultural shift I saw towards self help. I feel like in 2020, since a lot of people were in lock down and had too much time to think, that a lot of people used that time to self reflect, go to therapy and get rid of that stigma, and reflect on their cultural biases especially those related to capitalism because of the way that our leaders were handling the pandemic. Despite the chaos around me, part of me was excited that a lot of my self development related interests were becoming mainstream. But now, almost 5 years later, I can't help but feel like stage blue and orange are copting the language of green to seem more progressive than they actually are in order to appeal to the vast majority of people who want change in the macro and micro but in a vulnerable spot mentally. That, and a lot of people who was on the surface green had a lot of unintegrated blue and orange that they regressed back to. Manifestation is a good example of this because I do think there is a lot of green elements there with nuances but once it hit the mainstream, as you said, such spaces got hijacked with self-centered marketing. A lot of self help and self development related stuff that leaned more green back in like 2018ish is starting to get weaponized by the earlier stages. I think we're in a very weird ego backlash as a culture where the language of progressiveism is being used to market regressive ideas.

Deconstructing Self Help I feel like I've been deconstructing self help, or rather mainstream self help, for a hot minute now, I planted the seeds of that in the past when I was deconstructing spirituality and my relaitonship to the content on Actualized.org a few years back. I wanted to take a step back from more advanced content as they can be misinterpreted if you aren't in the right state of mind or right stage of your life yet. And I think it has done a lot of good in that by focusing more on integration and issues of my material life that I have been able to embody more advanced teachings and slowly implement them so that they were being internalized in a healthy way. That has been my experience with spirituality and the more self help side of spirituality. And I think I have reached a point where I need to do the same from self help as a whole. Here are some posts I have made in the past which are more detailed in what I talked about earlier: I really started to take a step back from self help after the genocide in Palestine started happening. I wrote about this back then and I think it's worth reiterating: Social media felt very surreal at this time. I was seeing posts of the blown up bodies of children and then the next post was about *how to level up your mentality and your finances going in to 2024.* I think self help type content is fine but it shouldn't be used to neglect things like community care and it shouldn't be something that gives you so much tunnel vision that it makes you less empathetic towards others or lean into toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is another thing. Listen, I do believe in things like manifestation and the power of positive thinking but they shouldn't be things that explain away the need to systemic change or awarenss of systemic issues. Toxic positivity from my observation can also come with a lack of conflict resolution because you're always focused on the positive to where you're not facing the negative and dealing with that. And that can result in a lot of emotional bypassing, not so cute delusional thinking, and even strain on relationships. That's another thing, I am so tired of seeing relationship advice videos whether they be romantic or even platonic. I feel like I have been particularly immune to the bad romantic relationship advice out there whether it be from the pod cast bros or the femininity coaches since I got experience of what an actual healthy and fulfilling relationship looks like. I do think there is some good stuff out there in terms of recognizing red flags and how to deal with them but there is also a differnence between being aware of red flags and being focussed on them, where the later can cause you to have a very paranoid, guarded, and pessimistic outlook on dating. I think the same can be same about friendships where I feel like I can do a good job in discerning good and bad advice and while I'm aware of red flags, I don't let them dominate my approach to friendships. At the same time, I do think that a lot of relationship advice as a whole can be very generalized and doesn't take into consideration the nuances between the dynamics of individual people. Also, a lot of the advice out there is geared towards people who are anxiously attached or lack boundaries, or people who don't typcially take responsibility for their input on the dynamic. And that advice can backfire for people like me who leans on more of an avoidant attachment style and who has a tendency to take too much responsibility at a time. Like I feel like for the wrong people, the same advice can cause them to be hyper independent of fall into self blame. In other words, yes there is some general advice out there that can help in a lot of relationships but that general advice doesn't always translate the best for nuanced individual situations whether it be the dynamics of a specific relationship or even what's going on with your psyche and the person you're dealing with. Like catch myself seeing a lot of advice videos and being like *yes that makes sense but I can also see on how this can be taken too far and exceptions to this rule.* I also think that a lot of the general advice videos feel like common sense and developmentally I'm just passed it and now it's less about taking in the rules of common sense and more about applying that sense in a nuanced and effective way. To tie in the toxic positivity, need for community care, and the relationship advice, I feel like a lot of self help content these days really lean on this notion of hyper individualism. And it's been really pissing me off as someone who is wanting to build more of a sense of community. There are a lot of posts that I've seen with the attitude of *you don't owe anyone anything so focus on yourself* whether it in justification for ghosting long term platonic relationships or like talking to the Trader Joe's employee who said hi to you because apparently engaging in small talk is emotional labor now. The *you don't owe anyone anything so focus on yourself* mentality is coming from a lot of places. Here are some I have come up with: Convenience Culture: With the click of an app, you can have a random stranger pick up your food, groceries, and give you a ride to the airport. Coupled that with remote work, if you really wanted to, you can go weeks without having face to face social interaction. There is no need for asking for help in a community even for little things and these little acts of inconvience to help a neighbor out is suddenly seen in a more transaction lens than ever before. Suddenly you hitting up your friend to ask them to drive you to the airport feels like a monumental task because god forbid you inconvenience anyone because they don't owe you anything and you're now the toxic one for asking them to go out of their way. Weaponized Therapy Speak: I have seen people in my life misuse terms such as trauma dumping, gaslighting, and calling people narcissists to a degree where there are break downs in actual communication. Don't get me wrong, trauma dumping, gaslighting, and narcissists are very real things but your friend opening up about a difficult period of their life is none of those things. It's okay if you're not in the mental space to deal with that but it's also not okay to just tell people to go talk to a therapist about their issues because they're burdening the people around them. The *you don't owe anyone anything* can really cause people act in callous ways regarding normal things in a relationship. Same with the word gaslighting. I have noticed that some people have used that term basically as a way to say that the other person is making them feel crazy simply because the other person has a different perspective to them. And then rather than this becoming a discussion where you figure out where your perspectives differ and what is going in this situation, it becomes combative where *oh this other person is toxic, I'm just going to ghost because again, you don't owe anyone anything.* The misappropriation of boundaries: There are people out here who think that boundaries are just their way of telling people what to do rather than a communication tool that allows them to convey cause and effect. And I do think there is a time and a place to employ the *you don't owe anyone anything* mentality such as in the case of someone being really pushy and you not wanting to back down, an acquaintence you tried to hang out with but y'all didn't click like that, or when you're dealing with someone volitile and abusive you need to get away from that situation with no further explanation. Those are very valid boundaries But the *you don't owe anyone anything* mentality is not something you use with a person you've been friends with for a couple of years as you distance yourself from this person and you had no previous conversation about this so now the other person is left hurt and confused because they weren't aware that anything is wrong in the first place. People trying to make the most out of the isolation of regular life: I feel like some people are trying to romanticize the late stage capitalisitc isolation by focussing on self development and going into the so called *winter arc* or sorts. I think that's fine and it can be a healthy way to cope and make the most of your situation. But also I think it can get unhealthy because of the way it can compell some people to isolate themselves even more and get into a more misanthropic form of self help that I have journaled about in the first post that I liked above. I have also watched a few good videos about the points above that I'll link here for reference: Don't get me wrong, I am still pro therapy and self help but I also think that there is a lot of bullshit out there as things like therapy and self help become more mainstream as more people are learning from things like pop psychology intead of talking to a professional. And I do recognize that going through a professional is not accessible for everyone given the issues we have with our health care system and that there is value in methods that are outside of institutional means and aren't peer reviewed. But you really got to be careful with all of this so you don't misconstrue and misapply clinical terminology.

Positives and Negatives for 2024 Positives figured out family relationships getting comfortable with being an adult my big trip and everything that came with that going on a trip with my significant other being unofficially engaged figuring out what I want to do career wise starting yoga and sticking to it hosted a dinner a couple times connected with people in my family and found people I’m cool with healed my relationship with money got promoted thriving in work in general fasted for Ramadan healed my relationship with food Got closer to that one friend I made after college dealt with my Sisyphean existential crisis with work dealt with the self critique I had around my job and my university experience dealt with the burn out I was experience at work and got a better sense of what degree of PTO I need got more comfortable with cooking various foods started posting on tiktok and confronted my fear of being seen dealt with my grief around the genocide in Palestine dealt with my grief regarding the election made decent progress deconstructing self help (more on that in a later post) made a lot of progress around how I feel about having a child figured out my relationship with travel and how that fits into my life got a better sense of my priorities achieved a sense of contentment with my life I have a decent amount in savings Ate a lot of pasta and croissants Wasn’t sad leading up to my birthday or Christmas Did a lot of outdoorsy things like hiking, biking, canoeing, etc. Completed a year of living alone Negatives struggled with friendship and as a result depressed I’m walking into the new year with social anxiety at my grown age of 25 and I might be autistic stopped volunteering stopped working out still in my fuck ass corporate job turned into an ipad baby I’m angsty about capitalism/ politics and I have an existential crisis on the regular

A Simplier Time I don't think it's an uncommon experience to be nostalgic during the holidays or towards the end of the year. I find myself thinking about how things like Christmas and Thanksgiving felt more special when I was a kid and how much anticipation I experienced when it came to counting down to the 25th when I can finially open the presants that are under my Christmas tree. I feel like the most joy I had towards Christmas was in my elementary and middle school years. Once I got to high school and college, I was so stressed with exams in the end of the semester that I didn't have time to really be mindful and take in the joy of the holidays. Sure, I had winter break where I had like 3 weeks off but much of it was me being a blob in my room to recover from the stress of the semester. So basically, I spent an 8-9 year stretch (since I graduated college a little late) where the holidays were kind of a nuisance where I was stressed and booked to the brim rather a time when I can relax and spend time with friends. I feel like both 2023 and 2024 I have been embracing more of the holiday cheer. I have a stable job that pays me enough and doesn't stress me out so that helps out a lot since I'm no longer a stressed out college student. However, I do remember in 2023 feeling irritable during the month of December because I still had to go to work rather than have an extened period of time off for winter break. I just wasn't used to the way that breaks and the calender year felt after being a student for so long. But I found that after going to a couple Christmas parties and decorating a cookie that life felt a whole lot better lol. This year, I didn't have the irritability since I did take more time off and because I'm getting used to my corporate job on a year to year basis. Rather, I find myself feeling kind of sleepy over the last couple weeks or so. I think much of it is just how the time change and the days getting shorter are messing with my sleep schedule. While my social calendar hasn't been booked and busy, I am enjoying just cozier and quieter nights in with my boyfriend and lets just say that I fiinally understand the hype around cuffing season. While Christmas does feel nicer than it did when I was a stressed out student, I don't feel the magic of the holidays. I feel like there are a handful of factors: family, the distortion of time, and of course capitalism. Family My family wasn't ever super big on Christmas mainly because with the excepion of me, my other relatives never had the sentimentality attached to Christmas since they aren't Christian and grew up in a foreign country that doesn't celebrate Christmas like that. I remember as a little kid trying to emulate the stuff I learned about Christmas from school at home by pushing my parents to make cookies, decorating the house with lots of crafts, and leaving food out for reindeer lol. But once I got a little older I realized that I was the only one doing this and that left me discouraged to push for more. Then the nail on the coffin was my grandmother passing away back in 2016. She wasn't big on Christmas but she enjoyed the vibes. Her main thing was enjoying the Christmas lights and my family would drive around Dallas looking at the lights and we would set up lights at the house as well. But after she passed away, my dad especially lost motivation to do the one tradition we had for Christmas and also felt kind of depressed at the thought of setting up lights or putting up the tree. We didn't do anything for Christmas for years after she passed away. It's been a recent thing that I push him to put up a couple lights and the tree since I'm trying to reframe it as something to honor her memory rather than to have it that makes him feel depressed about her passing. The Distortion of Time I remember the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas feeling like it was forever when I was a little kid. The month of December felt like a year when I was like 5 years old. And it makes sense because a year or even a month was a larger portion of your life compared to when you're older. 1 year for a 5 year old is like 20% of their life while 1 year to a 25 year old is like 4%. And of course there are things like impulse control and patience as you age to take into consideration. But as an adult, while it's good that my job doesn't stress me out too badly like school did, if I don't take any breaks or time off, time can feel like a blob where everything just blends together. I feel like I blinked and next thing I know, Christmas is less than 2 weeks away and I have most of my shopping left to do. Time instead, feels like it's going too fast as I get caught up with my day to day responsibilities. And I feel like this sense of time really impacts my anticipation and excitment for Christmas because instead of being a kid counting down for Christmas day as the hours and days dragged on, as an adult, I just wish time would just slow down a little more so I can get things done and do all of the things I want to do. Capitalism In addition to time messing with my sense of anticipation, I think late stage capitalism, or I guess the awareness of it, probablly packs a larger punch. As a kid, like most children, I used to be so excited about the presents. I wasn't like a little brat about it. I did enjoy the Christmas programs at school, the little parties for my friends and me, and spending time with other people. I always felt like I knew the true meaning of Christmas lol. But when I was younger, even when I was in my early teens, it was so easy for me to create a little Christmas wish list, give that to my parents, and then sit in anticipation for the next month or so for my little wishes to come true. I remeber asking for things like art supplies, video games, and occasionally electronics. I would also get like clothes and blankets which I really liked even if they weren't things that I specifically asked for. However, as I got older, it became harder for me to ask for materialistic things because I don't have super strong wants materialistically. My mind would often blank when someone would ask me what I wanted for my birthday, Christmas, or Durga Pujo. And then that would inevitably cause people to get me something that I usually don't like and never asked for. I do think it's sweet that they thought of me but also I do feel awkward lol. I really relate to this tweet that I'm pretty sure I saw more than 6 years ago: And I guess when you embody the spirit of Christmas and start valuing the things that really matter over the materialism it in a way becomes harder to be impressed by the little stuff. Then there is the whole thing around overconsumption that has really been getting to me. I feel like I'm being constantly marketted to via the internet. I'm seeing gross depictions of wealth over the dumbest things like guest bathroom restocks. And everytime I go to a mall, I just think of how most of the clothes are cheaply made materially and how they use sweatshop labor and how most of the stuff here will end up in a landfill. Even if there are more expensive/ luxury options, I know those aren't exempt from the sweatshop labor and the quality is only slightly better but the marketting is like at a 10 to appeal to people who care about conspicuous consuption and flexing status. There are a few videos that I really resonate with on this topic that articulate my thoughts better than I can in one post: "Why Nothing You Buy Feels Good Anymore" from The Financial Diet goes into more of the convenience culture and overconsumption aspect of why shopping isn't pleasurable anymore. "Talking To Your Trader Joe's Cashier is a a GOOD thing" from Vaush goes into how we're losing community, becoming more anti social, and how shopping used to be more personal in terms of interacting with goods and services and that they had more meaning attached to things wheras now we're dealing with a lot of capitalistic alienation. "Oops, All Ads (And Billionaires): Entertainment Under Late Stage Capitalism" by Cheyenne Lin talks about how modern entertainers like singers, actors, and sports players are basically equilvalent to the court jesters of the medieval times entertaining the kings of our time, ie. the billionaries. And as a result of our shrinking attention spans and the burn out we face due to late stage capitalism, we just take in this slop and we're being marketed to constantly. Not to mention that all of this is happening while most people are struggling to make ends meet due to wages stagnating and not keeping up with inflation, the rise of facism across the globe, and multiple genocides happening simultaneously. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth to where going to a department store to get yourself and your loved ones something nice feels far from magical. Sometimes ignorance really does feel like bliss. I wish I was the type of person who would be brought out of this funk with a Sephora beauty haul or be the type of person who would count down the days to Christmas day and get super excited over unpacking gifts because I asked for and was getting a designer bag. At times, I even find myself wishing I was like a 9 year old girl who started crying happy tears because her parents got her a stanley cup. I found myself looking at expensive designer shoes and bags for a handful of days this month. I wouldn't say that these are things I can't afford since I am fortunate to have a good amount of money in savings but lets just say that if I made these purchases, I wouldn't feel good because they aren't good financial decisions. I guess me looking at expensive things has been my weird way of trying to grasp at a sense of anticipation that has been missing from this season from childhood. These things feel out of reach in that they wouldn't be good financial decisions but they also do not super unrealistic since buying these things wouldn't bankrupt me. But while I'm trying to grasp at this sense of anticipation and specialness in these designer goods, I don't reach it because I'm painfully aware of the labor practices to create such things and I'm aware of my value system to where I know that none of these things will create a lasting feeling of fulfillment or hapiness. Basically, this is my stance:

Wtf does this even mean lmao? How are you going to be child free but also a single dad? How are you going to be a stay at home, a term that is utilized to point towards one person's position in a relationship where they don't go out and work, and be single? Can you describe more in detail what kind of life you're aiming for and what your day to day would look like? Because based on this question alone, there are multiple contridictions that make no sense lol.

Cozy Animals I have been enjoying this aesthetic of these cozy animals children's book illustration lately. I find myself havign a visceral reaction when I see these and I can't help but tear up a little. Like I want to be that warm, peaceful, and happy and I want that for the people around me too. They're just there with their friends hanging out being cozy and wholesome. These images feel so gentle and comforting for some reason. This is the adulthood that I wanted as a little kid. Instead I got the Microsoft teams grindset, isolation, the ability to see a genocide live on social media, and political chaos that is leaves me with a feeling of dread for the future. I don't want much from my life. I want to be financially stable with a job I'm interested in, have a cozy place to stay, get a little treat every now and then, be well rested, and share all of this with my friends. I want people to have health care, work life balance, free education, time with their friends and family, more time off during the holidays, maternity and paternity leave, and last but definitely not least, a livable wage. So far, I love being an adult. I love having more agency in my life. I love having a developed frontal lobe to have critical thinking skills. I love the person I'm growing into and I love becoming more sure of myself. What I don't love is being adult during late stage capitalism.

Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Go to college, get married, buy a house, raise 2.5 kids, work 40 years in a job to support all the previous items, then have your kids do the same thing, then die. I feel like this is the default life path that the American dream has pushed on us. I find myself pushing against that in many ways. I don't aspire to homeownership. I don't give a shit about having a career. I'm most likely going to be child free. And even though I feel like I have a good grip on my values and what makes me feel fulfilled, I can't help but question if my desire to go against the grain is a form of aimlessness. I think the reason why I feel aimless is because growing up my mom always made it seem like I was lazy and had no aspirations. Like a stereotypical Asian parent, she wanted me to go to a top university and become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or something that was super lucrative. She would ask me "so if you don't want to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer, wtf do you want to do?" And when 17-year-old me would push back against this and say *idk I’m 17, I have limited life experience but I do know that I like xyz and I'm sure I can do something with that." She then would respond by comparing me to my peers and suggesting that I'm aimless for not wanting to be on those paths and not having a 15-year plan in the place of those paths. When I decided to study business in college, my mom eventually came around to it and that tune adjusted to going into investment banking, accounting / getting a CPA, consulting, or going into sales. And yet again, when I looked at those jobs and was like *that sounds horrendous, I don't want to work 60-80 hour weeks even if I was making six figures out of college because I care about my mental stability and I care about having a life* and I told her that I don't want to get a masters just to get a master’s degree, we basically ended up having the same conversation as earlier. Going back to the American dream regarding buying a house, having a nuclear family, and pouring all my time and energy in my career, I am hesitant on all those things. I'm not opposed to buying a house because it would be nice to not put money in a landlord's pockets and I would love to live somewhere I can decorate rather than renting a sad grey unit. At the same time, this isn't worth me being house poor and not having financial peace of mind. Because just because I can afford to put a down payment and probably qualify for a mortgage, that doesn't mean that's what is best for me. Sure, I can put a down payment, but can I afford a mortgage comfortably without living paycheck to pay check? Does that also account for insurance, property taxes, interest, and God forbid HOA fees? And even if I was ballin like that, do I want to buy a house that will put me on a 30-year mortgage where I can't freely move around? Keep in mind, I'm in my 20s and my life has a lot of opportunity and variability on how things can go and where I want to "settle down" at so I don't think that getting a mortgage is a good idea for me right at this point in my life. And, I don't give a fuck about living in a house. If anything, having a cute apartment in a walkable environment is a million times more appealing to me if we are talking about property ownership. Nevertheless, I feel like there is such a push to be able to buy a house as soon as you can because it's a pillar of the American dream and as a result, there are a lot of people who are buying houses without thinking this whole thing through regarding if this is a good financial and personal decision for them. For example, there is a couple I know from high school. They started dating after we graduated, and they bought a house together. This happened when we were like 23/24, so this is like a year ago. They aren't married. And idk what is going on in their relationship and I hope to God people grow and change but the guy growing up was a serial cheater. And I see them being super excited about being young homeowners, decorating the place, and while I want to be happy for them, I can't because I see the potential of this being super messy. First, you're young, how the fuck do you know if staying in the Dallas area is what you want to do long term to where you are willing to sign a mortgage? Second, y'all aren't married. If things go south in this relationship (which there is a possibility since the man had a history of being messy and getting passed around), depending on how the property rights are split and who is doing what in this household, this is going to be divorce level messy except there are no legal protections since Y'ALL AREN'T MARRIED. Thirdly, I know the type of family both the people come from, and I know what kind of work they do based on their fields of study along with some light LinkedIn stalking. They aren't making a ton so there is a good chance they are house poor or in debt. So, because of all of this, I feel like there is a good chance that neither of them really thought this through and they were chasing after this milestone. I really hope I'm wrong about all of this as I don't know these people in person in real life right now, but based on what I do know, it seems like a recipe for a mess. So, I don't think I want to buy a house, firstly just because I can, but also, I am prioritizing my financial peace of mind. But there is a part of me that is like *you're just too lazy to save for a down payment and make career gains to afford all of this. * I feel like I encounter a similar line of logic when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have written about this in the past but as of right now, I'm at a place where I'm just like *sure sometimes I have the desire to have a kid but I can't say that the desire is strong enough to actually justify having kids.* Like there are the sleepless nights, a lack of social support because we glorify the nuclear family, shitty school systems, the gamble of what kind of kid you'll end up with (I can handle a runner or a crier when it comes to toddlers but I'd rather die than deal with a constant screamer), how expensive kids are, and not to mention the poop. And I think these are all valid reasons for not wanting a kid and it's good that I'm being real with myself, but there is a part of me that's like *oh so basically you're too lazy to put up with the challenges of parenthood and you just want an easy and low effort life.* Then there is the whole thing about me not giving a fuck about having a career. And by this, I don't mean that I'm lazy at my job or I aspire not to have a job at all. Even though I'm not in love with my job right now, I show up, I do what I need to do, I do good work and achieve my metrics and sometimes push myself to a reasonable degree without stressing myself out. I have an attitude that even if I don't like my job, I have agreed to this job and as a result, I have made the promise to do what I need to do and put in my 40 hours. It is a part of my general sense of integrity to show up and fulfill my responsibility. I have been promoted earlier this year and I'm on track for another promotion as well. However, in the end of the day, I'm not going to stress myself out of this job and work long hours, I'm not going to take on more than I feel like I'm capable of, I'm not about to sacrifice my personal life and health over this job, and I'm not going to be some kind of corporate pick me to move up the corporate ladder since I'm pretty content with my life and my pay. I have a stable income. I can afford to hang out with my friends and get a meal. I can afford little things to treat myself and the people around me. I can afford to travel here and there. And the biggest thing, I can afford my bills without stressing about them. I don't feel the need to bust my ass for more. I'm happy with what $75k in Dallas, Texas gets me. Yes, I am thankful for my job, and I do care about doing decent work, but I don't give a fuck about having a career and I don't have super grand aspirations for myself. And that sometimes leads me to think *am I just as aimless and lazy as what my mom thinks I am? Am I just not willing to put in the hard work? * despite the fact that I do work hard. I'm just not willing to run myself to the ground. ------------------------------ The traditional goals of having kids, buying a house, and having a lucrative career isn't really something that I aspire to. That doesn't mean that I don't have goals period, they're just different from the default. I want a different job that gives me a similar degree of work life balance as my current job and gives me a similar amount of money to maintain my current lifestyle, but have it been something that is more interesting to me. Rather than having a nuclear family, I want friends I hang out with on a regular basis, and we live life alongside each other where we do little favors for each other’s life borrowing things, driving each other to the airport, helping each other move, and later, helping with raising families. Like I want to be the kind of friend who helps the mom through the mental difficulties of motherhood and helps with watching the kids so the parents can take a break. That is much more preferable than having an isolated nuclear family. I want a cute apartment in a walkable area than a suburban hellscape where I must rely on my car for everything. Despite having these goals for myself, I can't help but feel like these aren't "real" goals and that they're just overly idealistic. I sometimes feel like I'm not prioritizing the "right" things like the nuclear family and a lucrative career. Let me just vocalize that this voice in my head is saying: "Do you really think that once people get married and have kids that they'll want anything to do with the single or childfree people in their life? Even if they do, they aren't going to have the time and energy to nurture the connection with you. As for asking for help, they'll ask their family, not you. Chosen family doesn't mean anything when friendship is just to the side of your regular life and not integrated to the day to day. No one is going to put friendship over their spouse and family or their job. People are also busy with work. They don't have time to hang out with you. And even if they do have free weekends, they are exhausted and need a break, not put more responsibilities to hang out. And you know what, maybe you do also need to pour yourself into a career and buy a house because that is an investment so you can retire comfortably. You're stupid for not wanting to buy a house because you're just trying to avoid the discomfort of being house poor, because you don't want a long term commitment, and because you lack the practicality to see the benefits of this decision. The only way you can ensure that you have people in your life is by getting married and having a couple of kids because those people are bound to you and you have at least 18 years of community and kids especially can't just go in and out of your life for the time being. And lets me so real, society places more of an emphasis on romantic relationships over friendships. It's normal for friends to hang out only 3 times a year but your romantic partner to be the main person you talk to on a regular basis. And when you're an adult, you can't talk about the bad things happen in your life with your friends because that's immature and trauma dumping since you only see them a couple times a year. You must deal with everything yourself or alongside a significant other if they have the capacity to help granted, they aren't exhausted with their life. You're immature for not wanting a house. You're immature for not wanting a kid. And you're immature for not wanting to make gains in your career monetarily. You're immature and idealistic for not wanting to entertain capitalism because that's the only game in town and that's not going to change anytime soon." I know there is a lot of unpack the section above. And I think a lot of it is symptomatic of late-stage capitalism and the isolation it breeds. This past year has been difficult in terms of nurturing my friendships because everyone has a lot going on in their lives from difficult emotional situations, layoffs, stressful and abusive work environments, and a lack of time to take care of yourself and nurture all your relationships because of work. Like I feel like I must schedule things weeks in advance just to keep in touch with people, much less deepen relationships. I also feel like one of the few people amongst my friends who has a job that pays enough, that does not stress me out to where I want to rot in bed during the weekends, and that doesn't have me working long hours. In a way, I find that because I have so much free time and the room for making plans with people without having to look at a packed schedule weeks in advance, and that this means that I don't have a life. But the thing is, I do have a life. I have a job that makes me work 5 days a week, I do social things here and there, I have hobbies, I work out and take care of myself, and I have a loving relationship. I feel like there is a notion in hustle culture that the busier you are, the more important you are. When your time is scarce and you're packed to the brim, your time is more valuable. And if we were to view my life through this framework my life and my time do seem less important compared to that of my busier friends. Like why do I feel like my life is not eventful just because I'm not overwhelmed by it? Is it wrong that I feel lonely because I have all this time, energy, and love to give my friends, and they don't have time even for themselves? Does the fact that I have time to be lonely instead of running around being so busy that I can't feel my loneliness a symptom of me not working hard enough? Am I a lazy and aimless person because I don't have that dream career that I'm willing to sacrifice all my time for so that I can buy a house and have kids? I feel like a precursor to this existential crisis is the existential crisis I had back in 2021 / 2022 where I was like *I don't have dream job because I don't dream of labor and I want a soft life.* I remember thinking this to myself in college and the attitude I had towards school. It's similar to the attitude I have with work where I don't give a fuck about a career or working my ass off but I'm still willing to do a good job. I had this attitude towards school where I cared about my grades and I would aim for high B's and low A's because I'm not willing to drive myself insane for getting 4.0 GPA. I chose my degree not only out of the practicalities of the job market but because the classes I took genuinely made me feel more educated and because life around me made more sense. And amidst this existential crisis about not dreaming of labor and just wanting a chill life, I came to the realization that I am an ambitious person, but my ambitions aren't tied to my career advancement. I'm ambitious towards my personal development through therapy, self-education, self-care, and participating in the community. I'm ambitious towards the relationships I have in my life. I'm ambitious in my hobbies. And I'm ambitious about creating a life of contentment where I don't feel like I have to escape from it, whether it be escaping through travel, consumerism, illicit substances or other addictions, or any other form of compulsory distraction. I think I am still that type of ambitious person except now, the landscape has significantly changed since graduating college. It's so much easier to be sucked into capitalism and centering your life around men and babies because of career stress and the social isolation from your peers. The death of third spaces makes it difficult to meet people in real life and the lack of time, energy, and money people have contribute to difficulties in maintaining relationships. It sometimes feels like a privilege to be and to have good friends. I'm fortunate enough to be able to even think like this because I lucked out and got a job that pays me well and doesn't stress me out. I'm fortunate to still have my ambition manifest in an anti-capitalist way because I have the material conditions to do so. ------------------------------ I feel the world getting colder and people becoming hyper individualistic. I sometimes feel like people pleaser because I want to be the type of friend who picks people up from airports, who helps out with friends, who helps people move, who gives their neighbor a cup of sugar so they don't have to drive to the grocery store just for sugar, and does things that are slightly inconvenient to help people out and be a part of a community. But I'm not being a people-pleaser for having these desires because I'm not doing this out of a feeling of obligation, because I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't, and because I lack boundaries. I'm have these desires because I have an abundance of time and energy and I want to share that with the people around me and I want to put the social back into socialism. In a hyper individualistic world where many people are in survival mode, being the type of person who is pro-social and has the capacity to go out of their way can look like people-pleasing. In a world where many people have a scarcity of time and energy and as a result hyper-individualism is the norm, having the abundance to pour yourself into things other than work can look irresponsible towards future professional and financial goals and like you're sacrificing yourself by centering other people. I don't know, maybe I need to get out of the suburbs where the American dream is the default and is more reinforced as what it means to do life right. Maybe I need a change of scenery that can make my life and aspirations feel more realistic. I'm tired of driving around and not seeing people but seeing cars and the isolation I feel from an environment made for machines instead of people and communities. I'm tired of living in a suburban area where home ownership seems like the only logical next step. I'm tired of watching people in jobs they don't like so they can pay for a 30-year mortgage and support their kids, not because there is anything wrong with that but because that's the only thing that I see. I'm tired of seeing the overconsumption of upper middle class suburbanites that have like 30 Stanley cups in different colors to match their outfits, who have gigantic ass trucks that are just mall crawlers, who go to hipstery places that prioritize vibes over food, who spend my gas money on moisturizer from Sephora, and who spend so much on consumerism and trends as a way to have a personality and meaning in life (newsflash: going to target is not a hobby and is actually really sad that some people think it is). At the same time, I feel like in America, you're stuck trying to pick your flavor of capitalist poison. You get the isolation, and the soulnessness described above in the suburbs. You get shitty living conditions and expensive rent, and everyone is on the constant hustle to keep their heads above water due to greedy landlords in walkable cities since the US has like 5 walkable cities and they're all expensive af. And you get some of the worst poverty and lack of opportunity in rural areas which becomes a breeding ground for right wing lunatics. So, while I feel like I need a change of scenery, I also feel like I might be trading one form of poison for another since the real problem out of all of this is capitalism. I feel the world getting colder and I don't blame them since blankets and heaters are being stolen by the owning class in late-stage capitalism. And given the recent election, I know things are about to get colder and harder for regular people. People aren't bad, it's the material conditions. It's harder to envision a warmer and newer, better world when people are struggling to get by. I include myself in this. It's easier to lean on antiquated traditions such as the American dream and traditional gender roles as a form of stability and notion of what it means to be living life right because it is less work that thinking about a new way to do life. And doing less work in envisioning a better future isn't a moral failing rather it's a survival mechanism so that you have the energy to do the work get through your current circumstance. Maybe that's why I feel aimless despite the fact that I have ambitions. Maybe my anti-capitalist ambitions feel pointless because it takes away from the work I could be putting in order to thrive in capitalism. Maybe this aimlessness I feel is evidence of the pointlessness of goals that used to make sense under the status quo, but that status quo is crumbling as I speak due to the greed of billionaires that profit off unfair wages, over consumption, overpriced homes, and skyrocketing rent prices, I guess I am ambitious in an anti-capitalist sense but I look and feel aimless because we live in capitalism and that is the default ideology that dictates the way we view the world, what long term goals we have, and how we should prioritize our time and energy. I think I have plenty of things to unpack going forward but at the end of the day, I want to put the social back into socialism and live a cozy life with my friends. My five-year plan is to hang out with my friends and tell them I love them.

TLDR: In conclusion, it's not so simple to say whether stage green is losing or gaining ground since the election. We're living in a chaotic time where some people are regressing to orange and blue due to survival pressures but some people are being catapulted to more green in various areas of life. We're amidst a messy collective ego backlash from the influences and cultural zietgist of 2008 to 2019 for better and for worse.

I think whether or not stage green values are being rejected is not super straight forward in our cultural and political climate. Compared to 2014, as far as stage green goes, I feel like we're doing this dance where we take 6 steps forward, 4 steps back and osillate between these two in what feels like every 10 business days to where there isn't stability and consistency in terms of spiral stage when it comes to politics and culture. I think you see this more clearly when it comes to more left leaning feminist spaces the most. In 2010s, there was the whole body positivity and girl boss movement in feminism which I would characterize as both a mix of orange and green. The body positivity movement was good about moving away from the diet culture of the 90s and early 00s where emaciated bodies were celebrated and people started to accept themselves more and develop a better relationship with food. That's the stage green aspect of the movement. However, the body positivity movement quickly became overly commercialized as brands tried to use it as a marketing ploy to get people buy shit. In one way it's good and a move towards green in that there is more representation and diversity in the media (though there is still work that needs to be done) to where in the 20s, diversity isn't this radical, revolutionary thing anymore rather it's the standard. I remember like 15 years ago that if you're darker than tan, it's hard to find makeup to suit your skin tone where as now, if a brand releases makeup only to fair skinned individuals, there is a backlash from the public. Having makeup cater to a variety of skin tones isn't like a shocking thing any more rather it's the standard. However, in the commercialization of the body positivity movement, there was a lot of diluting in their messaging and for a lot of people, it got old and annoying quickly. As a result in the 20s, we have a return to the skinny standard of beauty and all of the celebraties are back to pushing ozempic over accepting yourself (a swing back to orange). Diet culture is back and while it isn't as strong as it was in the 90s and 00s, it is still very present and is masked with better marketing where rather than using the word "diet" people are using the words "wellness" and "clean eating" thus while it still has the same orange core, there is some stage green surface level greenwashing if you will. At the same time, there are also people who recognize that the body positivity movement got diluted due to commercialization but rather than swinging back to diet culture, they are moving further into green by going deeper into the origins of body positivity, fat activism, and how those things intersect with racism, sexism, capitalism, and classism. Then there is the girl boss movement in the 2010s where women were encouraged to go into male dominated spaces and hustle their way to the top as a way to achieve more equality in the workforce which leans more green. I think Hillary Clinton running for president is an excellent representation of the cultural zietgiest. While it's great that the girl boss movement was encouraging women to take charge in the work place and move through these spaces in a more confident manner, it was also very superficial and neoliberal in the way things actually played out. It came out that prominant companies that were predominantly female still had the same hiearchial structures and issues as male dominated corporations. It didn't matter if a woman was a CEO, she can still be abusive, power hungry, and exploitative towards the working class. The girl boss movement, though it had promises of stage green, was still pretty orange at it's core. Much like the body positivity movement, the reactions against the girl boss movement is met with partly stage orange regresssion as well as partly a deepening of stage green. I'm seeing two reactions to the girl boss movement. The first is the trad wife/ sprinkle sprinkle form of feminism. It's understandable that after the pandemic, a lot of women looked at the work culture and were like "you know what, being a stay at home wife isn't such a bad idea. I'm tired of working myself to the bone to be some kind of girlboss." I think there is some green elements to the trad wife feminism in that there is more discussion on the value of the work women put in the household, how the choice to be a stay at home mom isn't inferior to working, and how femininity should be celebrated. However, it's still a stage orange backlash in the way that it emphasizes traditional gender roles and puts such an emphasis on finding a man who will be a provider. A lot of people weaponize feminist language as a way to repackage traditional gender roles and rigid standards of feminine expression according to what will appeal to men the most. There is also a deepening of stage green as well where there are people who saw the pitfalls of the girl boss movement and shifted towards 4th wave feminism. 3rd wave feminism from the 90s to 10s is characterized with exploring the issues women with intersectional identities (mainly race and sexuality) face since 2nd wave feminism focused on labor rights and mainly on the issues that affect white women. 4th wave feminism takes the intersectionality in a deeper level where instead of focusing only on identity politics, there is more discussion of how capitalism plays a role as well as the exploitation of women in the global south who are working in sweat shop conditions. Unlike trad wife feminism, 4th wave feminism knows that marrying a rich man isn't going to save you from capitalism and that aspiring to marrying up rather than critiquing class as a whole is what keeps us in this cycle. --------------------------------------- Politically speaking, we're still in polarizing times, even more so than 2016. As far as sprial development goes, I would characterize neoconservatives (your old school republicans like Romney and McCain) are half orange and half blue. Neoliberals (like Pelosi and Schumer) are more half orange and half green. The alt-right and facists like Trump and his cronies are orange with a lot of blue and even some red (think of the Heritage Foundation and the amount of corruption / incompetence that runs through his cabinent compared to the standard bureucrat). While neoliberals and neoconservatives disagree on cultural issues like gay rights, they work in unison when it comes to upholding capitalism and causing conflict in the middle east for financial gain. A lot of them have the same corporate donors. This gives both groups a strong orange core. However, what we're seeing now is that economically, we're in late stage capitalism and people's quality of life and sense of stability is dropping, thus causing people to be more prone to populist messaging regardless of whether it's coming from the left or right. There are people who don't authentically align with the right at their core regarding bodily autonomy and gay rights but they are frustrated with the current economic climate and voted for a change without researching what that change was. Like the google search "what is a tariff" spiked after the election smh. However, I will say, that to be authentically green, Leo is right in that you need education and personal development. The school system is also a mess due to COVID as well as the No Child Left Behind policy from the Bush administration and the underfunding of schools (that's a whole nother problem for discussion). And when people are faced with economic uncertainty, people aren't thinking straight because they're in survival mode, thus they temporarily drop in consciousness are are suceptible to authoritarian messaging that scapes goats groups for said economic problems without actually addressing the real issue, the corporate class. At the same time, while there is a step back in terms of groups of people being more susceptible to right wing messaging, there is more discussion of left wing populism in left leaning circles. I feel like if you were to discuss things like capitalism, consumerism, and labor exploitation in 2014, people would look at you like you're fucking insane and an extremist even if you're in left leaning spaces. I remember when Bernie was seen as almost as crazy as Trump as he would rant about the 1% back in 2016 but now, more and more people regardless of if the vote Democrat or Republican are thinking that the guy has points and that he would have been a better candidate than Trump or Kamala. This is a step foward amongst the collective ego backlash we are facing. --------------------------------------- Finally, I am seeing a lot of discussion with the manosphere, podcast bros, and the Andrew Tates of the world. I feel like this is mainly an ego backlash to the progress we have seen since the 1970s where in the present day, women are more educated compared to men, we have our own bank accounts, and more autonomy than ever to where we don't need to partner up with any mediocre man in order to get base line survival. This is pouring gasoline on the fire of male insecurity since men aren't getting the marriage and family their fathers and grandfathers got simply by having a job and a bank account. Not only that, even things like getting a job that makes you a provider are few and far between due to wages not keeping up with the cost of living and us living in a late stage capitalist hellscape. Male insecurity, especially sexual insecurity, drives fascism. This is also a backlash to the stage green progress in feminism that I wrote about earlier. While the narrative around women and capitalism continues to evolve, the narrative around men and capitalism is stunted at the traditional notion of being a provider and protector. There isn't enough men in the left who are constructively talking about masculinity in a progressive sense to fill the void in the narrative which causes figures like Tate to swoop in and double down on the existing narrative as it's starting to erode with mainsteam feminist discourse.

Career Thoughts So I want to have a job that utilizes my international relations degree and allows me to travel and live in different places. I have also talked about this with my boyfriend and that is something that I want to unpack later on in this post. My options for utilizing my degree and travelling for work involve the following: Plan A: get a job directly Plan B: get a fellowship, go to grad school and get my masters, and work for the state department for 5 years Plan C: get a job not related to my degree but something that interests me and that I can get enough time off/ benefits to travel (like working for American Airlines for example) I've been looking at plan A and I've mainly been looking at jobs in th DC area. If I want to use my degree, I don't have much of a choice as to where foreign policy related jobs are. It's been a little discouraging. Most of the jobs are in the $60k to $80k range. For reference, I make $75k in Dallas. I looked at a few cost of living calculators and it's estamated that to maintain the same quality of life, I would have to make $110k in DC. Since I prioritized fulfillment over hoarding money, I wouldn't mind down sizing or making less money. However, I don't have much to downsize and I'm not exactly living lavish. I would say I have financial peace of mind. All of my bills are on autopay. I get lunch or dinner with friends every now and then. I sometimes go to little coffee shops. I have an apartment with an in unit washer and dryer as well as a dishwasher with no extra charge. I contribute to my 401k, put money into savings each month, and max out my Roth IRA every year. I also travel every now and then. In other words, I am living within my means and I'm content with the amount I make. If I were to make this much money adjusted for inflation for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind too much. Like I look at these jobs and these salaries and I think to myself that I'm too good for these jobs. Not in a sense of *I'm above the people who do these jobs and this kind of work* but in a sense of *everyone is above this kind of pay because people deserve to have livable wages where they aren't stressed about money.* I guess part of me thinks I'm spoiled because I don't want to struggle. I did grow up upper middle class and never had to worry about money growing up. And rather than causing me to be blind to class struggles, it radicalized me in the way that I have always recognized my privilege while wishing everyone else had the same standard of living and opportunities that I have. I don't want to get my dream job at the cost of being in survival mode all the time. As for plan B, I'm not too excited about taking the GRE. I remember how much of a pain in the ass the SAT was growing up and I don't want to revisit that (low key still have trauma from the SATs lol). I also don't feel super confident about my ability to get into a good program since I was kind of a mediocre student in college. Also, I'm only down to get a masters if it's completely paid for by the fellowship. Plan C doesn't seem too bad. I think I'm content with having a job be just a job provided that I have work life balance, adequate time off, and a way for me to execute my personal goals. Maybe it's too early to tell but I do feel better about my life since coming back from my trip. I know that I have written about the aimlessness I felt with my job but I feel like travelling has given me a meaningful goal to keep me going. I also think part of the frustration was coming from a sense of burn out because I wasn't taking time off and that was contributing to this feeling that my life is just this on going blob where I'm essentially Sisyphous rolling a boulder up a hill. Then again, I wonder how temporary this feeling is going to be before the aimlessness comes back, forcing me to lock in to finding a larger sense of purpose. ------------------------------------------- As for what this means with my boyfriend, I have talked about this with him regarding how travel is important to me, how I aspire to have it be part of my job one day, and how I want to live in a walkable city. He did talk about how he wants to support me in my career but how he's nervous about moving out of his parent's house much less moving to a different part of the country. And I can't help but wonder how much of that nervousness is a skill issue that he'll get over once we're living together versus how much of the nervousness is him not wanting the life I want deep down inside but doesn't want to admit it to himself because he wants to continue this relationship. I don't want him to make these drastic changes for the sake of me and the relationship if it means that he'll be miserable. And low key, I don't know to what extent he swings either way himself. Best case scenario is that we move and we both like living together in a walkable environment while I have a travelling job. A mid scenario is that we both hate this and we move back to Texas. Wost case scenario is that I love it, he hates it, and we end up breaking up and amidst the breakup he will have to move his life back to Texas after I uprooted everything and isolated him from his family. The whole thing has me nervous.

Lonliness and Social Media Addiction Ever since I came back from my trip and realized how important friendships are to me and the way I want to structure my life, I found myself feeling lonliner than ever because I realized I'm far from where I want to be. I've also been triggered by a few things in my life relating to other people which I have been unpacking with my therapist. I have been dealing with grief, self deprecation, and social anxiety. In a nut shell, the grief has to do with mourning the fact that I'm in a different stage of my life and that making friends is going to be harder than in my school years. The self deprecation has to do with my desire to take responsibility over this situation causing me to doubt the extent of which I'm a good friend or if I'm worthy of friendship at all. And the social anxiety has me feeling scared to open up again with other people for both the bad and the good in my life, causing me to hyper analyze and overthink my interactions with other people. I feel like I'm 15 again because I'm up at night thinking about how people secretly hate me and how in time I'm going to lose all of my friends because we will all get too busy and drift apart. Instagram also feels like everyone has friends that are constantly hanging out with one another except for me which I know is a distortion but nevertheless, it's fucking with me. I think for the past few months I have been unknowingly coping with this with endless scrolling because I don't have a life. I find that when I'm travelling or when I have plans with people I'm not checking my phone or social media. It's only when I'm alone or I feel like trash. In recent days, since those feelings as well as the election anticipation and later grief has been a lot, I found myslf using scrolling as a way to numb myself and not sit with these feelings. Social media (especially Tiktok) has been feeling really icky because I know I'm using this to avoid my feelings, I feel overstimulated with content, and even though I feel like trash, I can't get myself to stop. I think part of it is that I get some kind of parasocial satisfaction from social media. Instead of talking to my friends about what's on my mind and what I'm interested in, I just search up a video essay on the internet and watch that. I was watching streamers cover the election because it kind of felt like watching the election with someone and listening to them put their commentary on what's going on. And while my parasocial tendencies aren't like super intense and delusionally attached to one person, I can see how I'm using parasocialiality to supplement the feeling of being around other people since that is what is lacking in my life and this is an easier way of getting that need met since making friends as an adult is hard and the few friends I do have are all busy. I have been doing things to help this situation lately. I deleted Tiktok and Instagram. I am doing work out classes so I'm forced to get out of my apartment complex. I'm volunteering at the animal shelter. And I'm currently writing all of this in a coffee shop so I'm not rotting in bed in front of my laptop. While the self deprecation is starting to wane as I'm doing the work in therapy to unpack all of these emotions, I still feel lonly on a day to day basis and I have like a crying spell like twice a week. I've been journalling privately on my phone as these rushes of emotions come up to see how I'm progressing and what is coming up and I have been keeping all of this out of my journal here because things feel too vulnerable at the moment.

Election Grief The stages of grief are as follows: Denial, Anger, Barginning, Depression, Acceptance. Since hearing that Trump won, I feel like I have spent a solid week in the denial stage. I'm not proud to say this but I think I dipped my toes into conspiratorial thinking. I didn't go in as full on Blue-anon but I did spend a good chunk of time thinking *something feels off about this election* and how I feel weirdly calm about all of this. My thoughts were as follows: The election felt like it was called to fast. I thought this was going to be a close race with a few recounts. How did we know about the results the night of? If the election in some states was like 1% off, isn't that in the margin of error? Trump said some weird shit ranging from "We don't need any votes, we have all the votes we need" to him mentioning something about an October surprise or an secret he will be unveiling after the election. Elon also started talking about how if Kamala got elected he will go to jail. And then there is the Joe Rogan anecdote of how Elon knew the election results 4 hours before it was called because of some kind of app. All of this is kind of suspicious. Trump has been weirdly quiet since winning the election. You would expect that since he won the popular vote he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. We were told that there was a record number of people who registered to vote but there are 10 million fewer votes in this election. There was also a record youth turn out which correlates with a Democratic win. Not to mention, a lot of the swing states elected Democrats as their govenor or senator but they voted for Trump in the presidential. The astrology girlies are saying this isn't over yet. I'm not a huge astrology person but part of me wants to hold on to this hope. But then some people were taking these thoughts and jumping off the deep end. I saw a person say that Kamala Harris is leaving Taylor Swift esq Easter eggs as signs that they are working on things and not to worry. Tbh, some people are over analyzing somethings that she has said or posted. And people are saying that she and Biden look too happy with the results so they must have something up their sleeves. Don't get me wrong, they do seem more positive compared to the consession speach from Clinton in 2016 but honestly. they probably have decent emotional regulation skills and they don't want the public to panic and they want to portray a hopeful front. I have been watching various analysis about what caused these results and I have been glued to Vaush's streams. I saw a post from AOC on Tiktok where she asked people why they would vote Trump for president but vote blue down ballot. A lot of it boils down to populist sentiments and the feeling that both AOC and Trump come off as authentic. And I think Vaush is right that we now live in the era of populism and that people aren't going to respond to reason and policies because of their material conditions. Basically the way I see it is that right wing populism and left wing populism have the same vibes because they're both anti establishment but they have opposite policy proposals. The former group believes the elites are lizard people, educated people in blue states, and Jews and that we should take out our frustrations on women and minorities because the Jews are forcing diversity and critical race theory while the later group correctly believes that the elites are the billionaires and capital class who is exploiting everyone and that we need to advocate for things like free college and universal health care. However, while right wing populism and left wing populism are on opposite end of policies, left wing establishment policies have more things in common to left wing populism, which is why some people who assume that people are voting on policy will be perplexed by the contridiction of voting for Trump and then voting blue down ballot because if they vote blue, wouldn't they also resonate with a left wing establishment candidate? But because the median voter is a dumb dumb who is voteing strictly on vibes, they will go for whatever populist candidate that is presented, even if the policies make no sense with their actual values. That can explain why Democrats won govenor and senate in swing states while losing the presidential. It can also likely explain the youth vote as well because a lot of young people (and really people in general) are frustated with the system and will vote for something anti establishment even though this will be worse. People are frustrated with the way things are and they want a change, even if that change will result in chaos. And I think we all underestamated the degree in which people felt this way hence why the election felt like it was called too fast. There's also the fear mongering with immigration and how a lot of immigrants, once they get citizens, they become pick mes who want to assimilate into whiteness because they think they're better than other immigrants and because they want to differentiate themselves from "the illegals." That explains why Latino voters shifted right in recent years (that and religion). There is also the impact of the alpha male podcast bros that a lot of young men listen to. Not only is it reflecting voting patterns but it's causing a divide along gender and people's ability to find good partners in dating. I've heard of stories of girls going to high school and being yelled at by the boys in their class "your body, my choice." That's fucking terrifying and I'm so glad that I'm not in highschool anymore because things weren't like this when I was growing up. And I think some alpha male podcast bro logic is normal for teenage boys who aren't super sure about their masculinity but usually they grow out of it as they age. But now, since we don't have third spaces and we have been isolated from each other post pandemic, a lot of people don't touch grass and instead get sucked into toxic rabbit holes on the internet. And I don't think there is a drastic right ward shift in the general population rather left leaning people didn't come out to vote because of a lack of enthusiam from a lack of left wing populist messaging and policies. This is where I shift from the sense making part of unpacking my denial to the anger part of grief. The Democrats are incompetent when dealing with the rise of facism because they are too in deep in the pockets of corporations to have Bernie Sanders esq rhetoric and narriative around the 1%. It really feels like the Democrats and Republicans are in an abusive family dynamic. The Republicans are outwardly abusive and controlling and takes their anger out on the children (us) and the Democrats, while they feel like the safer parent because they are more sane, the Democrats are still like the parent who enables and complies with the more outwardly abusive parent. In other words, they don't take an adequete stand against the abuse and they allow it to keep happening because they don't have a back bone which they try to justify by saying that they're taking the high road. Not only that, but the Democrats aren't learning from this loss. Instead, they're blaming trans people because they think they as a party has gone too woke and they're blaming Muslim and Arab voters along with anyone who is outraged with the genocide in Gaza. They aren't taking away the fact that they need to move further left and adopt populist messaging that will resonate with voters and bring them out to vote. What they're taking from this is that they need to shift further right. And it's frustrating and scary. I don't know how much further we are going to go down this right wing hole. I know things will get a lot worse before it gets better but I don't know how much worse it's going to get. And historical precedent isn't exactly comforting either. And this is where I find myself in the barginning stage of grief. I can't help but think what it would be like if the Democrats leaned into populism and Bernie had gotten elected in 2016 or 2020. Or hell, if we go further back and we elected Al Gore instead of George Bush. What kind of America had we been in if we chose correctly in these crossroads? What would this country been if we had access to higher education, health care, higher wages, paternity and maternity leave, better immigration systems to help people get documents, stronger unions, etc? What if instead of climate denial we became the leaders of green energy and pushed for scientific advancement instead of lining the pockets of big oil and defense contractors who are profiting off of blowing up Palestinian babies and causing instabilty in the Middle East? What if I didn't grow up in slow but rapidly increasing decline of this country? What if I grew up in the country my parents thought they immigrated into? This isn't 2016. Sure we ran another woman and she lost to Trump, but there is more of a foundation for Trump's facism compared to 8 years ago. Unlike 2016, Trump won the popular vote and the religious extremists have had the time to come up with project 2025. I remember 8 years ago I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. I found out Trump won and I remember getting on the school bus with a heaviness in the air where all of my peers were going through the stages of grief. I skipped most of my classes that day to cope with what was happening around me. But I'm not 17 anymore. After this election I had to go into the office with a straight face and not pick fights with a couple of my weird coworkers. The office was eerily quiet but I didn't have the luxury to fall apart like my teenage self did. At the same time, now that I'm working, I have my own money, and some degree of agency, I'm also not the helpless teenager I was 8 years ago. I don't know what's to come since a Trump presidency this time around is going to be differnet but I know I have my passport up to date, I have savings, and I am in a better position to help my loved ones. I'm not really freaking out over this, again probably because of my own grief process, but every ounce of my body is telling me to wait and see and I feel a determination to get through this. I don't see a point of ruminating of every bad thing that can happen from this and come up with a plan A, B, C all the way to Z only to realize that I needed plan J. I'm going to deal with things as they come and come up with one plan as I get a better sense of the situation rather than come up with 26 plans preemptively and stress myself out. There is a part of me that wishes that the election was stolen and that people are working behind the scenes and collecting evidence to fix this situation. I'm angry at the incompetence of the Democrats and how they allowed something like this to rise. And I cannot help but keep imagining what could have been if we stuck to Bernie. Nevertheless, I am determined to get through this in one piece and continue to advocate for a better future in a level headed way.

Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel + Answers So Far I left the country on 9/30 and came back to Dallas at 10/25. I took time off work and was travelling around for roughly a month. I wanted to take this break not only to have fun but also take a step back from my life and contemplate some things. I came up with a list of questions I wanted to journal about a few months ago: I have been journaling about these questions privately throughout my travels and I have even dated the answers in the bullet point below so that I can track how my thought process has been evolving. I thought I'd also include it here in my online journal. What kind of role does travel play in my life and how often do I want to travel? 10/10/2024: I do think that travel plays an important role in my life especially while I’m young. I think of it as a tool for self-development, a way to connect with the people around me, and to try new things so I am living my life to the fullest. I’m not sure just yet how often I want to travel. 10/15: Honestly, I feel like a border collie that has just gone to sheep camp. I think travel to a certain extent is a necessity to keep me sane in the capitalist hellscape lol. But I will say, I am not someone who can travel for novelty since I already have exposure to a lot of things and I think a lot of places blend into one another over time. I especially felt like a border collie at sheep camp after biking and hiking and spending so much time in walkable areas. Also, check out the 10/15 entry for question 10 10/21: I don’t think I want to do long term trips that involves me bouncing around. As soon as I hit the 3 week mark, I felt a switch go off in my head about how I’m over travelling and I want to go back home. I can do an extended amount of time away granted I’m staying in one place. But to move cities and countries every 2-3 days does take a toll on me eventually. Also, I think me being a bit sick also contributes to this. Maybe if I’m feeling well I could push it to 4 weeks. Do I want travel to be a component in my career? 10/10/2024: Yes. I do think I would be adaptable enough to handle this and I think I’m intrinsically motivated by travel enough to get the most out of it even if it isn’t a luxurious experience. 10/15: I can see myself enjoying a travel aspect of a career is I find myself living in a country for a few months here and there. I think that when you’re travelling as a tourist, you’re not staying for long, and you’re trying to cover as much ground as possible, there is only so deep you can go in experiencing and learning the culture. But I will say, my main concern with travelling for work is my ability to maintain the relationships that are important to me in my life. I feel like it’s already hard to maintain friendships in adulthood with the constant life transitions and I feel like it will be even harder when you factor in travel. While I am enjoying myself, I do miss my friends and I am experiencing some FOMO. 10/21: My concern with traveling for work is the following: I’m travelling on the company’s time so I won’t have the chance to explore or have control over my schedule. How this will hit my personal relationships I’m also afraid of the possibility of travel getting old for me. I think now that I have hit the 3 week mark of travelling, I am a bit over it and I just want to eat some good tacos and cuddle with my man. I’m not over travel as a whole but I think it is something that I can do in segments. I think travelling for more than 2.5 weeks at a time is a bit much for me. Like it’s one thing if I’m spending 3 weeks or more in one place, but it’s another thing for me to be constantly moving around for 3 weeks. Week 1: I miss ice Week 2: I miss tacos Week 3: I miss staying in one place and being with my friends. Is my hobby regarding travelling something that is crucial for me to share with a life partner? 10/10/2024: I don’t think I have to share this hobby with my life partner, but they do have to be open to new experiences and accept my lifestyle. How do I feel about travelling to developing countries regarding what I can and can’t handle regarding navigating a new environment? 10/15: I think so long as I have google translate and maps I should be good to go in most cases. I think having a tour guide is important to have when you’re doing something more in nature, like hiking up a mountain, or if you want to do something in a more rural place like visiting a village since there is only so much you can prep for and navigate using google maps. Over all, I’m pretty good at navigating myself and adjusting but there are just a few things here and there where I would need help from a local. 10/21: The language barrier has been a challenge for me in South Korea and the maps can help so much. 10/23: Thankfully, I found a better app for maps and that helped exponentially. I will say for future reference, if I know I’m going to be travelling somewhere with a large language barrier, it would be good to have an extra day or more time in my schedule to figure things out regarding getting around so that I’m generally more used to things. How did this trip impact my degree of self-confidence, agency, and self-efficacy? 10/15: I feel like all of these things are rising. I feel like generally speaking, I have the unfortunate habit of overestimating my problems and underestimating myself and my capability to deal with said problems. I feel really proud of myself for doing this trip and paying for this myself. I think the tendency to overestimate my problems comes from my parents’ *hope for the best and prepare for the worst* mindset. And while they meant well, I think the mainly emphasized the prepare for the worst part. This is a little silly, but life won’t stop for you in the same way that the traffic won’t stop for you in Vietnam or India. You will always have challenges, and you will have to cross the street and do what you need to do. In order to do that, yes waiting helps a little but you will ultimately need to have the faith that you won’t get run over and the way to do that is to keep walking and don’t stop. Overall, one of my favorite things about travelling is how I feel so capable after the trip. It’s almost always a huge confidence boost. I don’t think that travel is the only way to achieve this rather, it’s more about challenging yourself and trying new things, which you tend to do a lot of with you’re travelling. Do I want to have a child and how do I see this factor in my ideal lifestyle? 10/10/2024: I do think that I can travel with a kid and that having a kid shouldn’t halt my life even though it will change it a ton. I’m still not entirely whether or not I want a kid but I’m leaning towards a no as of right now. 10/21/2024: I don’t want to have a kid of my own but I do want to have kids in my life. I don’t think I can be a full time parent but I do see myself being like a part time parent in the sense that I’m there to help my friends when they have kids. It take a village to raise a child and I want to be part of that village. And this also means making friends who view families in a similar way and who values friendship to the extent that I do. How do I feel about my current relationship now that I have gotten some distance from it? 10/10/2024: I find myself often thinking about how I want him by my side as I travel India. I have told him a lot of stories and I want him to see and experience them for himself. It’s like a constant. I want someone I can not only share my culture with but someone who is also open to travel and explore new things. .This is how I felt prior to this trip but I still feel it now: I want to marry him but I don’t know how that would practically work. 10/15/2024: If I do decide I want to work towards marriage with this man, I will need the following things Have him complete a few certifications and work towards advancing in his career. Move in together for a few months Travel internationally with him and also have him travel internationally once by himself He needs to be supportive of my career and the lifestyle that it comes with >> something we will need to sort out together in a conversation 10/24/2024: I feel even more strongly for him after some distance. However, at the same time, since I left my bubble, it kind of helped me not put as much pressure on this relationship and hold onto it so tightly since I have been reminded that there is a great big world out there and I’ll be fine if this doesn’t work out. In other words, my love has strengthened but my attachment has loosened. What role does my intellectual needs play in my overall satisfaction in the relationship? 10/10/2024: I think the lack of intellectual stimulation has more to do with alexithymia and less to do with intellectual incompatibility. As a result, this is something that can be worked on. To what extent is travel something that internally or externally motivates me? 10/10/2024: I think it mostly intrinsically motivating. I say this because of the way that I prepared for this trip by educating myself and how I tend to be kind of strict with myself to where I have to *force* myself to relax. In other words, I don’t think that travel is something hedonistic for me. That said, I do thing travel is a good way for me to break out of my regular monotony and that this along with creating other events to look forward to in the year is important to not turn into the Spongebob fish where everything in the year feels like a blur. 10/15: Here is something I wrote in my notes app that I have been contemplating: “I don’t think I can travel hedonistically. I feel part of the hedonistic drive a lot of people have with travel comes down to trying new things and exposing yourself to the exotic. But to me, a lot of things that feel foreign to a lot of people don’t feel that way to me. I think that things would be different if I were to live somewhere vs simply visiting but basically, I can see why some people who travel a lot say that a lot of places start to blend together. I’m not at that point with my relationship to travel but I can see it getting to that point in a decade or so. And I’m not saying this to diminish the uniqueness of different places but I can see who different places influence each other and how culture becomes more of a gradient rather than separate categories. And I think that this is beautiful in its own way. I feel like I can appreciate Vietnam differently as someone who has been to both France and India because I can see the cultural impacts of those two regions.” Is travel a good source of motivation for me? 10/10/2024: Yes. I think a lot of it has to do with that it’s mostly intrinsically motivating for me and it’s a good thing to incorporate into my life so I can take a break and then come back with fresher eyes. 10/21/2024: I think that travelling domestically once a year and travelling internationally every other year makes the most sense to me considering I have a normal corporate job. I think it also comes down to the notion that when you’re an adult, you’re also responsible for the fun you have and creating things to look forward to. That said, given my outlook on travel, I don’t think that this is likely to be a source of hedonism or escapism for me. What are some takeaways from the new experience I’m getting? What am I learning about the world around me and how I relate to it? I will make a whole post for this answer How can I be a more ethical traveler and am I engaging in ethical practices, especially as an American? I think things accommodating tourists are fine to engage with but coddling tourists is a problem. Things that accommodate tourists include being able to pay with credit card, having the option to use toilet paper instead of bidet, booking a tour so that the logistics of seeing the sights your interested in are taken care of, having some local services be available in English to meet growing demand, etc. However, things coddling tourists include things like opening up 5-star resorts that exclude locals from their land, using local culture as an aesthetic and vibe while treating locals like trash, having a number of restaurants in Vietnam for example that mainly serve burgers and pizza and even though they do also serve local cuisine, you already know that it will be adjusted to euro centric tastes, leaning into the colonizer aesthetic more to make a place more palatable, and really anything that hurts the local people to create a more comfortable experience for tourists to the point where tourists can remain in their isolated bubble where they don’t have to challenge themselves in the slightest. It’s also important to do a good amount of research in places you’re going to and why things are the way they are for the better and for worse, so you don’t show up acting like you fell from a coconut tree. And in doing so and taking in the context of your surroundings, you do need to check your financial and passport privileges. I think I’m pretty good about this both as a human rights major as well as my own personal life experiences regarding visiting India growing up. How do I feel about interacting with my family throughout all of this and what does it mean for my relationships going forward? 10/10/2024: I feel like the women in my family are cool and I want to continue getting closer to them. My cousin and aunt have Hindu Nationalist brain rot. And my cousin's 3 year old son is just fine especially for a 3 year old. What do the answers about the questions above reveal about my sense of purpose, my career, and how I should structure my life? Talk to my boyfriend about wanting to get married, what you need from him, and what your life plans are. Work on rebuilding your confidence socially in therapy. Make more friends who are aligned with your priorities and where you’re at in life. Apply to fellowships for your IR degree so you can do something like what your friend is doing. Plan a domestic trip once a year and an international trip every other year. Increase physical activity on a day-to-day basis and cut back on your screen time. How do I feel about navigating uncertainty before and after this trip? Idk yet What do I think of my life in this American capitalist hellscape after seeing different ways of living life? 11/2/2024: I think that this hellscape is not as bad as it could be but at the same time I did journal about anti-capitalist angst about my job and social life soon after. I also think that this is something we can bounce back from, maybe not immediately, but in a broader sense. I think this is because all of the countries that I went to on my trip this time around exhibit some form of transformation and resilience. Qatar was a poor fishing village with pearl divers prior to the discovery of oil and natural gas in the 70s. India was incredibly impoverished when the British left in 1947 and although the country isn’t developed all the way, there are pockets and there has been a massive improvement in people’s lives materially over the last few decades. It will just take longer since there are more than a billion people there. Vietnam had to fight off 3 round of colonizers and had all types of fuck shit happen there but it is on it’s road to being a developed country in 15-20 years. South Korea was the more impoverished Korea compared to the north from the Korean war but they manage to build up the country and educate their population to where it doesn’t even compare to the north. Yes, what is happening in the U.S. is rough, scary, and not what you expect from a developed democracy, and it’s normal and healthy to be concerned about current events, but in the grand scheme of things, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things aren’t super bad. I don’t know how far the light is but it’s there and every day that passes we are getting closer to it. How do I relate to different immigrant groups in Dallas after going on these trips? I think there is a certain degree of relatability that comes from experiencing diverse places, ways of life, and just having a broader range of life experience. It felt pretty good to be able to talk to my Vietnamese coworker about my experiences there and hear about his experiences as well. Like I felt like I had more I could add to the conversation had it been otherwise.

Post Travel Blues: Anti-Capitalist Angst The main thing that is coming up for me after this trip regarding the post travel blues is how much I hate that I don’t have control over my schedule and that 8 hours a day, a large chunk of my day to day life, is dedicated to a job. It’s making me think about how short life is and why I feel like I have to maximize every moment I am not working to living since I feel a scarcity of free time. It’s not that I inherently dislike work, I actually feel a new found love for my job and I feel refreshed from my role. It’s the fact that unless you’re a trust fund baby whose daddy won capitalism that all labor is forced labor. And that includes if you’re self-employed because in that case, while you don’t have a job, your beholden to your consumers and the market and if you’re a stay at home wife/mom, well, then you’re getting fucked by both capitalism and patriarchy even if you think you were able to bypass the capitalism rat race. Unfortunately, there isn’t escaping the system, just people who are better positioned in it and who are worse positioned in it. I’m also sad that I’m not in a walkable environment and that I am not hanging out with my friends. As much as I hate being in the suburbs, it also sucks that in the U.S. there are like 5 walkable cities and all of them are super expensive and kind of unlivable for an average/low income person because of the landlord class. Like as much as I would love to live in a place like New York or Boston or D.C. I know that unless I’m making bank and "living lavish" that I will have a dip in my quality of life. I’m so fortunate to have a dish washer, an in unit washer and dryer, a parking space, and a space free from rats and roaches for a reasonable amount of money. And I don’t think I’m asking for much and I believe that this is a reasonable baseline of quality of life in a first world country. But capitalism believes otherwise….. And then there is the friends. I feel like these larger cities have more opportunities to meet people because they’re walkable and they have more third spaces. At the same time because everything (especially rent) is expensive, commute can be a while because odds are your work is in Manhattan but god knows you can’t afford to live near Manhattan, and since you don’t have conveniences like in unit laundry, that can take up a lot of your time, not to mention that doing the groceries can be an Olympic level sport if you live in a 4 story walk up, everyone is exhausted and just trying to get by. You have the opportunities to be social but it’s not accessible to a lot of people unless you have the funds and cushy life style to not worry about things that can take up a lot of time and energy. Again, fuck capitalism. And even if you’re not in a big city like New York, I think that the path of least resistance is to prioritize your career and the nuclear family. Like even if you’re someone who does value friendship, it’s easy to fall into that habit and lifestyle again because **capitalism.** It’s easy to get caught up in the rat race of having a job and center your life around that especially right after college for some people who aren’t as lucky, whether it’s because it took them a while to get a job or because they’re trying to establish a certain career for themselves to achieve their dreams, or because they are financially disadvantaged in some way. As much as I don’t like hustle culture, I don’t blame people who get into it especially after graduation since people are trying to get a good footing for themselves to survive as an adult in this capitalist hellscape. Like what a privilege I have that careerwise I was able to get a job quickly after graduation and that I make enough to where I’m not worried about money because I don’t have a student loan and a car payment to worry about. What a privilege I have to where my main concern is having community and friends who have the same comforts as me so that we can all hang out. I mean all of this in a half sarcastic way. I do sincerely think that I am privileged under this system but I am still dealing with the alienation of capitalism. It’s the old saying that if you play shitty games, you win shitty prizes except in capitalism, you don’t really have a choice as to whether you play or not. And it’s so normalized to build your life with a man rather than your friends. Like it’s normal to talk to your man or hang out with your man once a week or more but when it comes to your friends…. well then you’re doing too much. Not to mention there are so many milestones that are rights of passage with romantic relationships but not with your friends. Then there are the type of people who end up ghosting their friends once they get married which are weird as hell. And then there is the whole thing about having kids. I feel like there are three camps to this. The first is the people who are completely bought into the nuclear family and their life is all about kids and their spouse and they don’t really care about friends anymore. The second are people who do care about their friends and want to prioritize them but because parenthood is stressful, they don’t have the energy to put to their friendships. And the third is people who have integrated parenthood and friendship to where their friends are part of their village that makes parenting easier. It feels like 90% of people fall under camp one and two. And who do we have to blame for the lack of community and the normalization of the nuclear family? That’s right CAPITALISM!!! I feel like most of my material needs / wants are covered. I have a roof over my head away from my parents. I have a parking space, an in unit washer and dryer, and a dishwasher. I have financial peace of mind because of my job and because my rent isn’t expensive. I can go out to eat whenever I want, which isn’t often but still, like I’m satisfied. I can afford a little treat here and there whether that be a matcha latte and a croissant, or a Sephora haul. I can afford to travel to the places I want to go. I got all the things that I want money can buy. Granted rampant consumerism and lavish things have never been my thing especially in this era of gross over consumption. On top of this, I want a job that more accurately reflects my interests, a decent quality of life in a walkable area, and friends who I live life with. I don’t want to live isolated and then plan to hang out with my friends as if I’m making an appointment with them and then have it be a catch up friendship. I want to make memories with my friends and experience mundane little moments with them. I want to be integrated in a community to where I can be like a supportive help to parents whether that means help look after the little ones or be a sounding board to the mothers. I want to be child free but I don’t want children to be absent from my life if that makes sense. Like if we were to talk about the little Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, I would say that I’m rock solid for everything except the love and belonging section and the self-actualization section. But yeah.. that's my little rant on capitalism and me being a little upset about coming back to work after taking PTO.

Money as Freedom Sometimes I fantasize about having a lot of money despite the fact that I'm not particularly materialistic and I'm pretty content with my life on a regular basis. One of the main ways this shows up is me dreaming of luxury travel. I did a whole post about it. Another way that this shows up is that I find myself day dreaming about being in a content happy place in my life with a thriving career, meeting a man, having a good relationship with him, and then when he introduces me to his family I find out that he come from an extreme amount of wealth. Basically, it's the plot of Crazy Rich Asians. I started thinking about this and why this was coming up with me and I found myself thinking about how in the business school, when we were discussing how people value money, in most cases, it boils down to the following; People tend to value money as a source of status/power, as a source of security, and as a source of freedom. People don't necessarily fall neatly into these camps but these are common themes that people resonate with on different levels regarding their relationship with money. For me personally, I scored a 0 in the money and status category, I scored at a low level for seeing money as a source of security, and I scored pretty high in viewing money as freedom. When I look into my fantasy regarding luxury travel and/or marrying rich, I think so much of it has to do with feeling like I have a sense of free will in my life. And in order to have free will in a capitalist world, you need to have the funds to do so. I want to vacation in Monaco not because I care about the culture, but because I want to feel like I have the free will to go there, book a luxurious 5 star hotel, and then go into any store and buy whatever I want. I don't care about the designer goods or the fancy hotels, I just want to feel like I can afford it if I wanted to. If you ask me about wanting to buy anything designer, I wouldn't be able to give you a specific answer because deep down I don't care and I'm not paying attention to that world. Even if you take me to these store in reality, I'll probably just walk around and nothing will catch my eye. Maybe I'll look at a scarf and be like *that's cute* and then I'll keep walking. But then again, I'm like that even in stores like Target. So basically, to reiterate, it's not about the luxury goods or experiences themselves, it's about what being able to afford luxury implies, that you have a large amount of disposible income that you can do whatever you please with and create a life ever which way. When it comes to marrying rich, in order for this fantasy to occur, I have to suspend disbelief and imagine a scenario where the rich man I'm marrying doesn't have a crazy classist family, who isn't abusive or willing to take advantage of the financial power dynamic between us, and who is not exploitive systemically. In this fantasy where I marry rich, after I get married I can take some time off work to travel wherever I please, however I please, for however long I please because I have infinite funds. Then, I can continue taking time off work or become a stay at home parent without ever worrying about the financial or career related consequences. I could also get a job in something that I really care about but working and having a career is truly optional. I don't ever have to stick out a job I don't like or worry about things like PTO or budgetting. I don't have to worry about my husband leaving me, creating an unhealthy marriage, or dying and leaving me to fend for myself in this fantasy. It's basically a fantasy where I can do whatever I want without real world consequences because the money I have will free me from regular people problems. I feel like having such fantasies makes sense in my stage developmentally as someone who is stepping into adulthood. From 5:16 to 6:51 Dr. K says the following: "Early on we're teenagers and when we're teenagers, we don't have freedom. 'Oh my god my parents are telling me to stop playing video games, they're telling me to study, I don't wanna study, I don't want to do meh... I want to be an adult and when I'm an adult, I'm going to do whatever I want.' And then what happens is that you become an adult and despite having all of the "freedom," you have no freedom at all. You thought that the moment you became an adult, everything becomes easy. But what I see more and more is constantly these posts of 'Is this what my life is? Do I wake up everyday, commute an hour to work, work 9-5, commute an hour back, work out because I'm supposed to work out, have 45 minutes of recreation time and then go to sleep because I need to eat, get 8 hours of sleep at night, is this what my life is? This is not what I was promised, this is not what I thought. I thought I was going to be free and having fun.' And this is where the quarter life crisis starts. We have this conception that as we grow older, we will be free, but as we grow older, we discover out freedom is restricted by the world around us, that we actually need some way to fit into the world. So as teenagers, all we want is freedom and then once we get our freedom, what ends up happening is we realize we need to fit into the world around us and that leads to stage 1." I have journaled about this video more throughly on a couple of occasions as linked above but I don't think I have touched on the lack of freedom point rather I focused on the stages and how they applied to my life. While I didn't feel that sense of whiny pleaing for freedom in my teenage years, I definitely remember feeling this way when I was a small child, maybe like 5 or 6. I remember thinking about how I cannot wait to grow up and I remember that it boiled down to two reasons: to be taken seriously and to feel like I can do anything. The later not only had to do with a sense of skill and efficacy that I associated with adults at that age, like being able to drive a car or run errands, but also had to do with a sense of freedom to do whatever I please. And like Dr. K said, that's not realistic when you're coming into adulthood because the freedom is restricted by your surroundings and you need to find a way to fit into that. Later in the video he talks about in many cases, people's way of finding where they fit came from inauthentic means due to a lack of life experience and then they have a crisis where they need to craft a more authentic way of living themselves. I think one of the biggest restrictions is capitalism and how money makes the world go round so it's understandable that through my fantasies, I want to escape that. However, then we go back to the Slavk Zizek quote that says "Ideology is not just the world we live in, but especially the wrong ways we imagine to escape it." That is to say, capitalist ideology is not just what surrounds our daily life and the problems we face (especially alienation from our work), but it is actually strongest in precisely the ways that we fantasise about escaping it. Our fantasies of travelling to popular tourist destinations, of buying overpriced organic produce, of dressing talking eating and behaving differently from others et cetera, are not a genuine reaction to capitalism, they are part of its reproduction mechanism. So basically, I'm trying to use a fantasy to escape capitalism with capitalism. Rather than imagining a new world free from those problems systemically in a collective level, since I'm still living under this capitalist framework, I'm imaging a situation where I'm at the top 0.0001% of the capitalist system where I don't have to work, I don't have to worry about money, and I am free to do whatever I want like a trophy wife or trust fund baby. And again, I can recognize throughout this post that my fantasy to be in the top of the capitalist food chain isn't coming from an authentic place, rather it's more so about me wanting freedom and agency in my life. However, the fantasy is still the ideology's reproduction mechanism. It's easier to imagine yourself at the top of an unjust system rather than imagine a whole new way of life.

Friendship Breakup So I'm dealing with a friendship breakup of sorts that happend back in late July. It's almost October and basically I have a lot of unresolved weirdness with a friend hanging in the air which has been bothering me to where I tend to sprial about in therapy. It has gotten better in that the therapy sessions no longer revolve around this friend and I'm focussing on other things that are tangentially related. Some of those things include the following: how I feel like I have to take a disproportionate amount of responsibility in my life and how that comes up in unhealthy ways how I'm not the best with dealing with uncertainty and my lack of faith I have in myself to be more spontaneous/ intuitive/ instinctual my tendency to want to plan things out, journal, and just be in my head and how that impacts my results in therapy my fear of wasting my time and wasting my years making dumb mistakes the pressure to have it all figured out in your 20s (or just soon) Now that this person is no longer in my life, I'm starting to notice how this dynamic was influencing my other relationships and coloring how I saw them which was leading to some self sabatouging behaviours. The dynamic that I had with this person was kind of one sided in that I was the main person reaching out. I didn't think anything of it because I feel secure in my relationships and I figured we just got into the habit because my friend has a more demanding work schedule than I do. I was hoping to have a conversation about this but then shit kind of hit the fan and now I have a reason to think that there was something more to it regarding her not reaching out. But there is still a lot of ambiguity and we never had a proper conversation about any of this. The weird interactions were from text which in cases like this can cause more ambiguity since you can't always tell the tone of what's going on so as a result, I wouldn't be surprised if there is a good amount of misinterpretation and miscommunication on both of our parts. And because we never had a conversation, I'm just kind of left feeling blindsided as my mind kept going to the worst possible scenario. I've been trying my best to not internalize this situation and have it impact my view of friendships in adulthood but it has been difficult since so many dynamics are changing and it's easy to grow apart from people after you leave school. I find myself overthinking some social interactions regarding how I'm coming off. I find myself wanting to close myself off and avoid being vulnerable because I have some trust issues. I find myself questioning where I stand with people in their lives and how they view. This friendship breakup has been kind of rough for me and my over all self concept. Some thing that have helped include socializing with other people that makes me feel sane. It's like a confirmation of *oh, I can in fact interact with people like a normal human being and not make people feel uncomfortable.* Another thing is just me taking a break from reaching out to people and spending more time on other hobbies. Of course I'm also going to therapy and leaning on people that I talk to on a regular basis. And finally, I have been planning my trip which I feel is keeping the depression away when it comes to how I feel about friendship and career. Nevertheless, I do find myself missing and mourning this friendship. I have like 90% good things to say about this dynamic and person prior to all this shit going down. It's just that this whole situation is showing me a different side of this individual that I'm not 100% certain on how to interpret.... again because we haven't had this conversation. This is an otherwise very reasonable person so I do want to be charitable and give her the benefit of the doubt. But also, since this is a pretty reasonable person, that just makes her words and actions cut deeper because I don't want to discredit her negative experiences with me if there is some truth to it even though things aren't adding up or making sense on my end. I don't have an impulse to run back to this person. If our friendship is so fragile to where a simple misunderstanding can mess everything up, that's not something that I want to cling to since I want solid relationships in my life. If this person has no intention to reach out and resolve things, I'm not going to hold this person hostage in this relationship and demand answers like a crazy person. I've done my part in trying to take responsibility and resolve things and now the ball is in her court. And also, I want people who communicate well in my friendships instead of leaving me in this much ambiguity and I'm not trying to force anything. At the same time, I will say that the lack of closure is really messing with my head and how I feel like I can approach friendships in adulthood. But I also recognize that the ways that this situation is triggering me is something that I need to resolve on my own and closure can be something you give yourself which is something I'm working on. Anyways, I don't have a conclusion to this matter as I'm still going through this. I thought maybe writing about it can get something out of my system.

It's different for everyone since people have different paces they go through when developping feelings. I know that for my current relationship that I have been in for about 2.5 years, it took my partner about 4 months and it took me 7 months. I remember telling him when he first told me that he loved me that while I'm not quite at that point yet, I'm getting there and I do really like him. So my general advice would be that so long as you like this person and you're seeing the feelings continue to develop over time and as you spend time with this person, that's a good sign even if you're process of falling in love is slower than others. Falling in love is a more gradual process of things slowly warming up. It isn't a light switch lol.

@Forestluv I don't have much to add to all of the points you listed above and expanded on but I did want to say that I agree and I enjoyed reading your assessment of the campaign

I disagree. Calling Trump and Vance corrupt and dangerous can make them seem more powerful and suave than they are when really they're babbling fools with the incompentence of a 4 year old. Painting your opponent as dangerous and that they are this boogey man makes the opisition feel powerful and in control, that they have the ability to strike fear in if they please. Laughing at them for the fools they are and calling them weird is the opposite of that. Especially for a crowd that leans more SD Blue and values conformity because they think anything that deviates from straight cis white person is unnatural, calling their leader weird, deviant, and generally socially offputting hits them where it hurts. It's essentially using their rhetoric and world view against them in a way.

You Can Play With Your Friends After School I have written about my quarter life crisis before in a previous post where I was mainly focusing on my career and my romantic life. But I also think it's manifesting in my platonic relationships as well which I want to explore in this post. Phase 1: Locked In I guess I went through the feeling of being locked in friendship wise for a minute when I started thinking about how my ideals for wanting to focus on friendship in adult life feels too difficult and idealistic. I feel like it's an uphill climb systemically and socially because I think it's the path of least resistance to only focus on the nuclear family and your career once you're an adult and your friends are people you catch up with, not live you life along side one another as you would when you're in school. I have wrote about this in more detail in a previous post: I also talked about this more with another friend of mine who comes from a similar cultural background as myself. While I focus on the nuclear family and the career in the post linked above, I talked to her about gendered expectations for women and the emphasis on family in immigrant households. I feel like a lot of immigrant families have this mentality where you can't trust anyone outside of your blood relatives and friendship is generally a waste of time and not particularly important. Funny enough, they say that and then they get scammed by their own brother but that's none of my business lol. But it's like you have a friend confide in you or you try to have a girls trip and then your immigrant parents think that you're doing too much for someone who you aren't related to. And I think this can be emphasized when you're a woman and you're around the age when you're expected to get married or your peers are already married. Like I remember my mom talking about the time when her peers were getting married and how she was nervous about the transition to married life because then all of your time goes to caring for the home and the family and you don't really have the time with your friends anymore because they're busy doing the same. This came up because my friend and I are going through this thing where our married friends either ghosted us or would use the excuse *I'm busy with married life* as an excuse for being distant. I get if this happens if you have a kid or your families live near by and are as a result spending time with them but the people who we're talking about don't have kids and have family on their side and their husband's side that lives abroad. And then it's like *are your priorities different now to where all of the time goes to your man?* *are you being burdened by all of the household duties because your man is a man baby?* *are y'all fucking 5 times a day to where you can't balance anything else in your life????* Wtf do you mean by *I'm busy with married life*? And also, if you're not from a stable family or not married/ in a relationship, sucks to suck. Basically, what I'm trying to say with the paragraph above and the post linked above is that I feel like as someone who values community amongst friends or a chosen family (I guess which is more of a SD Green value), I feel like I'm pushing up against not only the expectations from western culture to put all of your time in the nuclear family, your job, and a mortgage, or in other words the typical SD Orange American lifestyle, but I'm also pushing against the expectations from my South Asian culture where collective values of community is mainly tied to one's family (including extended family), having kids, and serving your hisband, the typical SD Blue lifestyle expectations. I feel like I'm swimming upstream against not just one way of life that doesn't resonate with me but two as a South Asian American woman. And that really contributes to this feeling of being locked in and that my needs and values in a friendship is unrealistic and stupid. Dr. K's video also talks about a big reason why you feel locked in is because you're following the expectations of others or hypotheticals of the future to where you have aligned yourself in a path that doesn't feel authentic and that you don't feel like you can escape from because you're in too deep. I think I'm pretty good about being intrinsically motivated and it's great that I'm aware of my needs and desires for platonic friendship. However, I will say, I'm trying so hard not to fall into the trap of giving in to the external validation because it's easier and the path of least resistance and honor my needs for friendship and community. I'm not asking for too much when I say I wish I had people I hung out with on a regular basis and who would reach out to me and ask me how I'm doing every now and then. And I have to remind myself of this as I'm figuring out how to navigate friendship in adulthood. Dr. K also mentions in the first part of the video that when you're a teenager and you're restricted by what your parents and teachers tell you to do, you start thinking about how when you're an adult that you're going to do whatever you want. But then, when you become adult, you do get a sense of freedom but it's stiffled by the restrictions of the world around you and you need to find where you fit into the world. And it got me thinking on how my parents would tell me that once I finish up my education and get a good job, then I can do whatever I want and prioritize my social life more. Even though I'm in a predicament with the friendship recession now, I don't regret focusing on school over my peers because I value my education and I'm happy with the job I have which allows me to have time to pour into my friendships. However, there is a part of me that grieves the opportunities I had for community and friendship when I was surrounded by peers throughout school as flawed as they may be. I'm not going to pretend and say that making friends was easy throughout school and college and in many cases, I didn't like or click with the people around me. But it was a community nonetheless. It's less about the individuals I was around and more so that I was in an environment where you can make friends and life your life along side with them instead of just having catch up sessions. And as a result, there is a part of me that wishes I seized that moment more socially instead of thinking that I can play with my friends after dealing with school. It's the classic *you don't know what you have until it's gone.* I do feel like I'm going through a separation from my friends. Our dynamics are changing and so are the expectations since everyone is bouncing around trying to figure their lives out meaning that everyone has a a life transition or two happening. And it's a challenge to navigate that and figure out where your relationships are going to go from here. I found myself becoming the friend who is the main one reaching out because I have a more chill schedule and more work life balance, meaning I have the energy to reach out and the time to be flexible. I don't mind taking on this role but I've noticed that it's been getting kind of unhealthy recently since I have been in this role for a prolonged period of time. I've been trying to have this conversation with friends which has been challenging since this feels emotionally sensitive and vulnerable. While I'm typically good at communicating boundaries and talking about my needs, this feel vulnerable because I don't want this to come across tone deaf since I know that my friends are trying and are being spread thin in other areas of their lives. I don't want them to think I'm asking them to prioritized me over thier other friendships, their family, or their career. And it's been even more touchy since some of these conversations I have tried to have either came out wrong or didn't go as planned. I feel like my relationships are being tested and I'm failing. I'm not going to go too much into the interpersonal issues to respect people's privacy and because I'm also trying to navigate this as I'm writing this but I say this to say that this last month or so has been emotionally intense and uncomfortable. I feel like as I'm writing this, I'm in stage 2A/ 2B and I've recently completed stage 1, hence all of the material I have written about. I do find myself wanting to check out of friendships all together. Part of it is the feeling of discouragement of some recent experiences thus contributing to this pessimistic outlook towards friendship as a whole. I want to get out of my current circumstance and come back to it with fresh eyes. I also feel like there are somethings that I need to work out in therapy to deal with any baggage I have relating to friendship before I put myself out there in phase 3, the exploration phase. I relate to the notion of being dead set about making my old life, or in this case my old friendships work because I do care about my friends and I want to be able to navigate these friendships into a new stage of my life instead of just abandoning them. I'm starting to realize that I will likely have to start putting myself out there more and build on the skill of making friends an adult but I'm going to be honest, I'm not excited about it. I feel like the trial and error process for anything, be it applying for 100s of jobs, dating a bunch of guys on Tinder, or speed dating platonically to find good friends to be more exhausting than exciting. Sure, there are a lot of interesting people out there. But, there are also a lot of crazies. And honestly, maybe this is laziness on my part, but I want to skip to the point where you're just cool with people, you can open up to them emotionally, and y'all are hanging out in each other's houses rather than meeting a bunch of people in large social gatherings or in Bumble Bff. I was the same with dating where the thing that excited me most was wasn't going on exciting dates to meet people but getting to the place in a relationship where we can have a meal in silence because we aren't trying to *dance monkey dance* or most of our dates are quiet nights in where we cuddle. Here is a little bit more about Stage 3: When I was exploring this idea as it relates to my job/ life purpose and my romantic relationship, this felt exciting and inspirational. I especially loved the idea of having things be open ended and the emphasis of actively creating yourself rather than finding yourself. But with friendships, I find myself to be more hesitant since I'm still attached to my current relationships and I'm still working through some emotional baggage. Rather than feeling inspired by the section above, I find myself thinking UGGGHHHHHHHHHH............... I guess I'm just not ready for this phase just yet. It took me a minute to get to a point where it sunk in that I can't just avoid having to build the skill of making friends in adulthood. Not gonna lie, there is a part of me that thought I could skip over that chapter of life lessons by simply maintaining the relationships I have since I'm good at maintaining relationships in adulthood. But even if you are good at maintaining things, relationships can grow and change as people change and transition to other stages of life. And sometimes, you're left with having to make new friends because your new friends are just not meeting certain needs you may have at this point even if they are healthy and fulfilling relationships. Dr. K explaines that what got us into this problem in the first place is that we crafted a life without understanding who we are or exploring ourselves. As a result, there is a fundamental mismatch of the life around you and who you are. In order to get through the quarter life crisis, you need to recognize that this sucks for you, check out mentally, then intentionally check out, then you start exploring yourself where it's not about finding the right answer but discovering who you are. And unless you intentionally leave, whether that means going to somewhere else geographically, surrounding yourself with different people, you can't do that exploration. From that sense of exploration comes a greater sense of who you are intrinsically, thus causing you to be able to actively craft your life consciously to make your external life align with your inner life. I wouldn't say that I made any of my friends because I didn't understand myself or explore myself. My friendships always felt authentic and satisfying. However, rather than crafting a life without understanding who I am, I crafted a life without understanding what adulthood is and what terrain I'm working with. I don't really have much else to say about this section since I haven't even gone into Stage 3 yet but I hope I figure things out and learn the necessary life lessons I need to learn going forward in this area of my life. I can play with my friends after school.

You Think You Just Fell Out of a Coconut Tree? There has been so much that's happened in politics in the last month. We had a disasterous debate with two senile old men, one who was too old to form proper sentences and the other who was too old to make sense and the man who didn't make sense won because at lease he could speak. There was an assassination attempt. After the disasterous debate where the old man lost misearbly, he still tried to hold on and say he will still run so long he doesn't have any health conditions only to catch COVID the next day. And now we get all of the coconut memes. It's suffice to say that I'm pretty happy about Joe Biden dropping off the election and letting Kamala Harris run instead. I watched one of her speeches and granted my standards have been lowered from the last 8 years but I was like *wow, she makes sense and her rhetoric sounds effective and coherent.* I'm also just enjoying all of the coconut tree memes lol. I can't say that I'm 100% on board with Kamala (my heart is still with Bernie) but I am allowing myself to be at least a little hopeful. She also seems like she has good energy and in some ways I feel like I can see myself in her. I know it's the propoganda and the identity politics talking but hey, I'm not stupid, I'm human. Kamala come off as a genuine person even if I don't agree with her on various policy positions (don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to girly pop-ify things like genocide and I will go back to criticizing her after the election). I love her crazy laugh as it's something that I find myself having in common with her along with my South Asian heritage, and I can see my friends have a similar whimsical energy as her. It's also just generally positive and uplifting in times like this, not to mention effective in the face of egotistical facists like Trump who cannot stand the thought of being made fun of. I'm also living for all of the Brat edits of Kamala and her coconut tree speech as well as how that is being remixed with everything. I feel like if I were to run a presidential election, this is exactly how I would run it lol. While I am allowing myself to be more hopeful since things are looking up in the polls, in the amount of donations that her campaign is getting, and how there is a general vibe shift on people being more energized, I can recognize that this is probably what happened in 2008 with Obama where people got super hopeful with the first Black president but then not much changed. I'm hopeful, but not naive In a way, this feels like a combination of 2008 and 2016. It take the hopes of 2008 and the chaotic political meme culture of 2016, except this time it's more favorable with the left. It's also fun to watch the right wing media not know what to do or say since they feel like the rug has been pulled from under them. They spent 4 years attacking Biden and preparing their narratives against them. The best they have now last minute is to drag Kamala on her gender and race, and paint her as a cackling bimbo. I also think it was lowkey smart for Biden to annouce his drop off right after the RNC since they spent all of that time attacking him instead of Kamala. I feel like this video sums up my thoughts really well. There are people who are worried about the election despite the uptick in polls, energy, and money because they think that if America wasn't ready for the first White woman president, it sure has hell isn't ready for a WOC president. I can understand where the sentiment is coming from but I don't agree with it. Kamala doesn't have the same amount of political baggage as Hillary does and she does come off as more likeable and less condescending. The political landscape is very different after the Trump presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. And I think it's great that the campaign is hitting the Trump campaign where it hurts rather than taking the *when they go low, we go high* approach. For instance, I loved this political ad. My boomer dad is also a fan. I don't know what will come of this but all I can say is that the plot is thickening. The aliens are on the edge of their seats with all of the plot twists. There are no filler episodes.

Can't say she's my favorite but I'm enjoying all of the coconut memes on tiktok. People definitely seem more energized and optimistic which is nice. I can't say how this will end but this season of America has no filler episodes and the aliens are watching at the edge of their seats lmao.

Luxury Travel Since it's the summer, European Summer as a seasonal tiktok genre is back. For those of y'all who are not on the clock app, European Summer is basically when a bunch of influencers blog about travelling/ vacationing in Europe and also preparing for those travels. Some of it includes funny memes about the cultural differences you encounter as an American in Europe from the lack of water in a lot of places, being easily identifiable as an American, missing ice in drinks, and the lack of AC. Other times, you encounter Europeans complaining about the tourists and putting much of the blame on Americans. And then you encounter people debunking those stereotypes. You also encounter lots and lots of posts of people packing for their trips, the outfits that are trending that will help you blend in with the locals, the old money aesthetic, along with any other summer must haves that the influencers are pushing. There is lots of money that are to be made from the influencers. Since influencers are either making a lot of money or already come from money and thus are able to follow this path or are given PR packages to take trips for free, a lot of the travel content on the surface of travel tiktok (not including niches like budget travel) involve expensive experiences and other things that contributes to Tiktoks general overconsumption problem. And as much as I hate to admit it, I have been influenced. I found myself falling down this rabbit hole of people going to all inclusive resorts such as the Four Seasons chain, buying luxury and designer fashion in their trips in Europe (which makes sense if you're an American since these things can be thousands of dollars cheaper in places like France and Italy), doing entire spa days complete with a massage, facial, and mani pedi, eating at fancy restaurants, and over all just being super indulgent in every aspect of travel. I guess my facination of this type of content comes from the fact that my travel experiences are very different from the trips described above. Most of my international trips involved visiting family which isn't the most luxurious, relaxing, and indulgent experience. Apart from trips visiting family, I've had the following experiences: a trip to Costa Rica for a week with my parents, visiting Delhi, Agra, and Jaipur to see the Taj Mahal and then some, and my study abroad experience along with the week that I spent travelling by myself. Two of those trips weren't in first world countries and the Europe trip was mainly a budget trip that was paid using a scholarship and my solo trip involved me sleeping in hostels, sleeping in overnight busses, and generally finding ways to stretch my money to get the best experience. It's far from the luxury European summers that are all over Tiktok. Even when I travel domestically in the U.S. my family had a certain travel style where we didn't give af about the hotel since it was only a place to lie your head so we opted for the cheapest option, and we filled the day doing a million things to make the most of our time. Half of the times my family has stayed in motels rather than hotels. I've also been told by my friends that I can be a bit of an intense traveller who's always running around since I try to do like 3-4 things a day and wake up at like 6:30 am where aparrently the norm is doing 1-2 things and sleeping in a little more. And then I go into social media and I see a whole nother way of travelling where people are splurging on hotels, waking up at 10 am, and sightseeing at a much more leisurly pace. There isn't anything wrong with that, some people have different travel style and priorities. However, the all-inclusive resorts are something that both intrigue me and rub me weirdly at the same time. In a lot of these resorts, your stay can be like $500-$1000 a night and I guess with a price like that, the whole appeal of the trip is to stay at the hotel/resort and not get out of the area. And with the over the top rooms, the foods, and the beautiful waters and pools, I get the appeal. I think this also speaks to a part of me because I feel a little burnt out from my job because I haven't been using my PTO like that so there is a part of me that wants to take off for a few of days, relax and treat myself, and then come back. I guess when I was younger I was more prone to judge people who wanted to vacation and relax as opposed to travel and were more drawn to touristy things but as I'm getting older, I'm working, and I don't get like a summer vacation and spring break anymore, I can empathize with those sentiments more. Like don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing things that immerses you in local culture but I think you can still balance it out with a few touristy things to get the experience of a place and just plain enjoy yourself. For example, yes enjoy the local food of New York and go off the beaten path, but also don't feel weird about going to Time Square and the Empire State Building. You're never going to fully be a local unless you move there and I think while there is an authenticity in connecting to the local culture rather than getting into the consummerist traps of tourism, there is also authenticity in admitting that you're simply a tourist and you're here to enjoy yourself, not to sit there and cry about rent being raised in the subway. At the same time, I feel like the all inclusive resorts rubs me in a very weird way because of the way that it isolates you from the people who are living there so much so that you don't really see them and are surrounded in a bubble of other tourists, and really you're consuming probably the most palatable, waterred down version of that culture for amusment's sake rather than actually connecting to the place you're in and educating yourself in a way that challenges your world view and your capacity for empathy. There is also the economics of these all inclusive resorts and tourism which can on the surface seem like it's bringing in the wealth to the area like the Caribbean when really, the owners often live in a wealthy first world country and the money is still being funnelled into foreign pockets. Tourism can really disrupt the way of life for the locals and the industries of small businesses. And it's also just weird to me because why tf would I spend all this time and effort getting to a location only to stay put and not explore? If I wanted to relax, I could find ways to do that in Dallas by taking a couple days off work and having a staycation where I get a massage and my nails done instead of spending a few thousand dollars. If I really wanted to go to the beach, I could go to Galveston. Some of these one night stays at these resorts are comparable to my monthly rent. It's wild. And it also feel wasteful and over indulgent in my point of view because if I were to do this, I would be spending a shit ton of money on things that I don't value as much when it comes to my travel style. At the same time, I feel like I want to try this type of travel once to push my comfort zone and see how I feel about the experience. The other thing is just the wealth flexing and how that contrasts with global wealth inequallity caused by colonialism. I feel like just in general travel can get a bad rep in terms of how inaccessible and expensive it can be especially when you live in the US where international flights are expensive and as a result most people don't leave the country unless it's for work or it's to visit family. Maybe on the rare occasion you'll do a vacation but that's statistically not the case unless you're like upper middle class in which case those vacation trips are more regular. As much I can attest to travel being this thing that can open people up to the world and educate them by causing them to leave their bubble, travel in some instances can also insulate you but also give you the perception of yourself becoming more wordly and cultured. There are plenty of assholes out there who treat travel in hedonistic ways because they able to afford to do so and then they try to act all superior as if they're more educated and sophisticated for having visited more countries than you even though all they did is get drunk in different geographical locations and hang around other similarly rich people. There is a whole show where rich people just travel around and while the locations are wildly different, the vibe feel unchanging because they're always surrounded by the same people doing the same things. And that show is White Lotus. This also reminds me of a quote I had in a previous post that I took from a Youtube video comment section of a video essay I liked: I'd imagine that going to one of these all inclusive resorts would feel similarly to getting a pedicure for me. Sure, there isn't anything inherently wrong with your individual choice to treat yourself every now and then, but the dynamic just feel weird. I don't mind getting my nails done on my fingers, but getting my toes done feels really weird, not because I have a problem with feet, but it's the imagery of me sitting on a high chair looking down at a person kneeling before me scrubbing my feet and painting my toes. If someone is doing your nails, y'all are both on the same level and helping someone doing your nails doesn't have the same connotation as someone rubbing your feet. The former reminds me of girlhood and sleepovers where you take turns to help each other do each other's nails since most of us aren't ambidextrous and usually needs some help so that one hand doesn't look significantly more fucked up than the other. The later reminds me of a dynamic of servitude. And I think its especially heightened for me as a South Asian person since the feet are seen as the most unclean part of someone's body spiritually and to be below someone's feet or serving someone's feet is this connotation of being below them. Nevertheless, there is still this intrigue around luxury travel in the way that it sells this fantasy of relaxation and overindulgence. And I think I'm more susceptible to this fantasy now that I'm in the working world because of two reasons: 1. I have my own money now and disposible income, meaning I have the option to give into hyper consumerism more, and 2. I feel kind of burnt out from my job and I just want to unplug for a little bit. I find myself thinking about this quote from a previous post that was under a YouTube video I really enjoyed: I guess I'm going to end this post by saying that the bolded quote above is something that I think about a lot when I think about the context of my desires, it's authenticity, and the implications of those desires in a larger picture.

Therapy Notes 3: Provider I discussed much of what I wrote about in the post below in therapy: Basically it boils down to the fact that there is a part of me that wants to have a kid, but only in specific circumstances. And if those circumstances don't come into fruition, that's fine because I can still envision having a happy fulfilling life because I'm not going into the notion of having kids is going to fulfill me rather I want to build a fulfilling life and pour into / share that with someone. And even if that someone isn't born, well I still have a beautiful life that I've built for myself. I think that I have a more nuanced view of this matter after these three sessions and I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders in terms of decision making and consciously making this decision. I detailed this in a past post but the three scenarios where I can see myself having kids is as follows: We discussed these scenarios in therapy and talked about how this is coming from a place of wanting to be well prepared for the common challenges of parenthood as it relates to money, childcare, medical matters, education etc. The thing is, there are a lot of unknowns when it comes to parenthood and I'm going to be challenged. But while there are a lot of unknowns, it's best to prepare for the known challenges of having a kid so that you have the bandwith and capacity to deal with the curveballs. I think I also need to trust my ability to handle unknown situations or at the very least trust myself to be able to reach out and get the resources I need to handle said unknown situations. I do believe this inner sense of confidence is something that can come with age and challenging myself as I continue to grow and change as a person who is figuring out adulthood and as I navigate other life transitions over the years from switching careers, moving, travelling, and more. I do have faith in the person I become and I think I'll know more concretely where I stand with the topic of having kids when I am a bit older. Not only that, who knows how much the world can change in that time. The world has changed a lot in the past decade, albeit not in positive ways. But I'm sure good changes can happen too and a decade is a pretty long time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not only did we discuss my ability to provide when it comes to having a kid but we also talked about how I would need to approach dating if I have the intention of potentially having a kid. I explored this in the same previous post I have been referring to: Basically, this boils down to the guy taking an active role in raising the kid and doing domestic labor, is reliable when for whatever reason I'm not able to follow through on these responsibilities (whether I'm struggling mentally, physically, or if I'm absent in the event of death), has thought through the implecations of having kids as carefully as I have and is compatible with my philosophies around parenthood, and has the material means of supporting the kid. In other words, I don't want to be alone in dealing with the struggles of parenthood materially in the form of monetary commitment and domestic duties or mentally regarding similar views and in terms of emotional support in challenging times We talked about how I feel about screening for such things in a relationship and having these standards. While I don't think there is a 100% chance of me knowing how a guy is going to react to being a father until the baby is here, I do believe there are signs in the relationship based on how he treats me, his attitude towards taking care of the home, and how living together would work. And of course I can have conversations with this guy regarding his thinking process around having a kid. All of that I'm comfortable with and it's also things I want to check out via living together before marrying someone even if having a kid is off the table. I also discussed the growing trend on the internet regarding traditional gender roles and *finding a provider man.* While there are some decent relationship advice out there regarding red flags to look out for, I also feel like a lot of dating advice nowadays is hyper individualistic but not particularly individualized in that it cannot take an individual's situation into nuanced consideration and can be blanket advice. I feel like nowadays there seems to be this notion that there is only one way that a healthy relationship can look, where a man provides financially 100% and the woman is in her receiving energy. There is nothing wrong with that so long as it's coming from a healthy place for both parties but that is not the format that feels authentic for everyone. I feel like for me personally, I like taking a more active role in the relationship and sometimes pay for dates because.... well I like doing nice things for my partner and he likes doing nice things for me and it's reciprocal. Like it's not coming from a pick me complex where we're both keeping score and tallying up when it's someone's turn to pitch in. But this notion around dating to find a provider man I feel is coming from a back lash of the girl-boss feminism of the 2010s and how we're idealizing being able to provide for a family on a single income since the economy is going to shit and more and more women don't want to work and instead wants to have the option to stay home and take care of the kids. A whole generation of women have been told that we can do it all. And while this is empowering, a lot of us also heard that we need to do it all, and it's fucking stressful if you don't have an adequate amount of support. So people are pushing back against this. However, the problem around getting a provider man who will pay all of the bills is that it sells a fantasy rather than a solution. The solution isn't that we all get out of the workforce to be stay at home wives and mothers so that we don't have to deal with the stress of working like we don't have a family and providing for a family as if we don't have a job and other plights of late stage capitalism by opting out of the system. The solution is having the option for affordable childcare, higher wages, maternity AND paternity leave, access to quality health care etc. Nevertheless, I feel like this type of advice to lock in a rich man and the singular model of what a healthy relationship looks like has an appeal with the way that it gives a formula and sense of predicatability on how to achieve desired results in an increasingly chaotic and unpredictable world and dating landscape. Sure I can brush some of this off as chronically online but we also need to acknowledge that this is coinciding with the prevalence of online dating where you're essentially meeting people from the void of strangers in max 100 mi radius rather than the natural filtration process of your social circle. Besides dating apps, I think there is also an inherent level of unpredicatbility when it comes to dating and it's natural for our human minds to want to find patterns to explain this madness, even if such pattern doesn't actually exist, for a sense of predicatabily in having desired outcomes. I think for me at least, feeling like I need to date with the attitude of *I need to find a rich provider man* is me trying to craft a sense of predicatability in a relatively unpredictable situation (because hey, we don't know how exactly the guy will react until the baby gets there). As I started unpacking this in therapy, it's obvious that the blind spot of this is that just because a guy provides monetarily doesn't mean he will actively be involved in the home and child rearing. And while I know this, I guess there is a part of me that wanted to hold on to this misconception because there is a part of me that thought well maybe if he can provide financially, he's also likely to provide in the home and emotionally as well. The other part of me is just being influenced by the trends around me at this period of time where traditional gender roles are having a resurgance. Basically, I need to touch grass lol.

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.