soos_mite_ah

Ok so I like being around this person and I feel that he is going to be good for me because he is an abundance of green flags and meets all of my standards. But I don't fully feel attracted to him and I don't know if this is something that can grow over time of if this is going to be a fundamental thing that fucks everything up. I'm leaning on attraction might be something that will grow over time and that I'll eventually warm up to the idea of being physical with this guy. But I'm still confused lol. I think this is where I stand on this issue. Just confusion. I'm guessing that you're referring to me telling him that I'm not attracted to him. Well, first of all, I feel like just saying that can basically translate into me calling him ugly and I can see this being pretty rude. Second, I don't want him to think I led him on because I kept going on dates with him. I did that because I genuinely enjoyed his company. I don't want him to feel like I took advantage of him, his feelings, hjs time and low key his money (he paid for most of the dates even though I offered). I am 22 but I haven't really dated much until I turned 18 and then the pandemic hit so I didn't go out on any dates or tried to meet people for a solid 2 years. I'm also a virgin so I think that adds to feelings of hesitation and the desire to take things slow for me personally. On top of that I'm currently living in Texas where you could get put in jail and be charged with murder if you get an abortion so that doesn't exactly make it comfortable for me to have start having sex as someone who already had a full on fear of ever getting pregnant before that legislation was ever passed. Also, we live like 1.5-2 hours away from each other and we both currently live with each of our parents. We've just been meeting up in places to get food and haven't had much privacy to do anything. The last thing I want to do is drive 2 hours only to show up to his house and run into his mom. Or worse, him coming to my house and having my parents freako out on me. I'm moving back to college in a month and a half so I'm going to have my own space when it comes to that.

So I’ve been thinking about this and I wrote something out and I wanted to share and get an additional opinion on it. Would especially love to hear your thoughts @flowboy : Hey *name*, there’s something I need to talk to you about. I would call you but I am trying to manage the time difference and also, I’m with my parents so they are low key looking over my shoulder. When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I did feel like I was put on the spot since I was getting ready to get in my car and leave. And I said yes because I wasn’t really thinking straight since I was in a rush. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be your girlfriend and keep dating you but I feel like I’m still in the process of getting to know you. I would like to continue dating and keeping in touch but I don’t think I’m comfortable with commitment just yet. I’m still trying to figure out my feelings toward you but I really enjoy your company. And while I’m not comfortable with commitment just yet, I am still serious about this and I’m more than happy to be exclusive with you. I really hope you don’t get the wrong idea. I just want to be transparent with my intentions and where I fall in this because I feel that a simple “yes” is not telling the whole story and that I can be more honest in this situation.

@integral I have literally never felt that way about anyone including my friends. Also, don’t you think that’s kind of extreme and codependent?

Lol yeah I'm not thinking about forcing anything and we're both also on the same page where we both want commitment but not necessarily something super long term (but if it turns into that, we aren't opposed it either). I feel like when it comes to attraction I have this very specific type and I think it would be quite limitting and superficial if I were to just limit myself to that. Also, gonna be completely honest, I can't see people I find attractive ever feeling the same way about me since I look like a troll most of the time (honestly, I'm kind of surprised if anyone ever looks at me in that light because I personally can't see it). Also when it comes to attraction, I identified as asexual for the longest time and as a result I'm used to simply not prioritizing that. I'm still not sure if I'm straight. There is a chance that I might be demisexual meaning that I need a certain degree of emotional attachment in order to be attracted to that person. I guess what I need to ask myself is how long should I wait for attraction to build before I realize it's just not happening? My trip is for a month and a half. It really isn't that long. I also don't mind being exclusive with this person when I'm dating them. I just don't want to go around having this girlfriend label on me in the off chance that I realize that this isn't going to work 2 months down the road. Lol just said that for the eye catching title. I don't intend to insinuate a lack of responsibility on my part. Yeah, I tried to take this into consideration when I first started dating this guy because even though I didn't feel instant sparks or attraction, I thought it would be unfair to write him off when he seemed like a good guy and someone I otherwise really enjoy hanging out with. But at the same time, I am a little skeptical of the possibility that I might have gone too far in the other hand where I didn't honor my preferences and just went with something that wasn't good or bad, but just fine...? I hope that makes sense. Like a guy doesn't have to be a glaring embodiment of a red flag for him to not be a good fit. That's another reason why I kept going on dates with him. Even though I wasn't feeling sparks or an attraction, the whole thing was developing in a relatively healthy pace considering we started off as strangers with a common friend 2 months ago. Like I don't expect to go from that to hanging out multiple times a week and knowing each other's tragic back stories in a span of a month lol (if anything that's concerning, not romantic). But then it's also like, at what point is slow, too slow,...?

No I'm not talking about psychdelics lol But when yall are trying to plan out travelling somewhere, what types of experiences do you focus on and seek out and what is your travelling style like? I'm just curious

@seeking_brilliance were you trying to say something or is the site acting weird again?

No, I’m 22 years old and I haven’t even finished my education. Marriage isn’t remotely in my mind at the moment. But I do have plenty of examples of healthy relationships in my life that are both platonic and romantic. Sure, it can be challenging to find a man who genuinely has their shit together, but they are out there and healthy relationships aren’t reserved to .001% of people. It isn’t nearly that rare. It isn’t social media, it’s money. Birth rates are low because people can barely support themselves much less a child. The main things that have changed are the fact that women aren’t financially dependent on men and that they have more control over their lives and career due to birth control. We have seen our mothers and grandmothers put up and shit up when they were treated wrongly because they didn’t have anywhere to go. And we have been warned and told to not do the same. And since we have the economic means to support ourselves, we are less likely to put up with y’all’s bullshit. We aren’t growing apart from men, we just aren’t held hostage anymore.

Am I the only one that doesn’t think that this type of interaction is rare platonically or romantically? Who tf do y’all hang around??

@Raze A lot of it has to do with claiming that women are crazy and shrill, over emotional, or sensitive whenever they do bring up their concerns or injustices they deal with

I agree. I mean the overall point that I'm trying to make is that rationality and emotions aren't opposites (and certainly not gendered). Having and acting on emotions can be perfectly rational. At the same time, things that are devoid of emotion can be incredibly irrational. The opposite or rationality, is irrationality and the opposite of emotions is simply an absense of emotions.

Then how do you justify the presance of irrational thoughts? You know a lot of the notions around rationality historically have roots in discrediting women and people of color when they do speak about their pain and injustices right? People have used "biology" as a way to justify all types of messed up biases. Not exactly the strongest argument.

A lot of that has to do with the fact that women are both more likely to report this type of stuff and because they do bear more stress due to things like the patriarchy. This can manifest in a variety of ways including but not limited to higher degrees of self doubt and imposter syndrome, having to take on the additional workload of keeping up the home and taking care of kids, dealing with the fear of being assaulted, body image issues because of the way women's looks matter so much in the eyes of society etc. Yes, men also suffer in different ways because of the patriarchy but they do have the upper hand in the dynamic and as a result, aren't as negatively impacted. A lot of these "hyper logical and rational guys" tend to have issues with getting out of their head and being present in these situations. Being in your head to the point where you are consumed with your thoughts and are overthinking your interactions with women is not rational.

Literally nothing is more exciting to me than a man who is stable and has is life together. And whose to say that being stable means you aren't emotional? And again:

During the first date I did offer but he insisted saying that he invited me out and that he really wanted to pay. The next few dates he went ahead and paid faster than I could really say anything (I was just awkwardly sitting there with my credit card on hand only to awkwardly put it away). In the most recent date, I told him that I appreciate what he was doing and that I wanted to return the favor as a way to show my appreciation and to show that I cared and he replied with "ok, you can do that next time, but for now I got this." He never got upset about any of this. I am comfortable with having a conversation about this going forward just to check in with how he is doing in our next date.

I mean wanting to sleep around isn't inherently unhealthy. There are lots of people who do that for the sake of exploration or to simply satisfy their sexual needs until they feel ready for a relationship. It's just that there is a common cultural narrative of men seeing women as conquests and wanting to have a high body count so that they can have a dick measuring contest with their friends. Obviously, this isn't a healthy reason to try to sleep around and can cause men to behave rather disrespecfully.

Idk. Boring became fascinating. I went from liking really out there sex to sex that was controlled and slow. Boring sex. With 'boring' guys. Boring would purify me. Also this only works with a conscious ultra masculine manly man. I mean, you can be stable and be interesting. You can also be highly neurotic/toxic and boring as well. I don't see why it would be one or the other unless you find unhealthy behaviors as simulating and worth your time. And that isn't an woman thing, that's an unhealthy person thing. Like tends to attract like.

Wouldn't someone being low in neuroticism make them more likely to be comfortable with expressing and regulating emotions rather than supressing them?

Granted this might be because of the discourse at this time but what kind of solutions does this kind of mentality deliver? We don't live in a society where we have to kill or do anything brutal and if anything using brual/ unempathetic means can cause more harm than good so I am confused as to what kind of dirty work you are mentioning. Again, going back to current discourse, a lot of people argue that much of the reasons why men have difficulty forming healthy relationships with women is because of their lack of intimate and close relationships with other people, especially other men since they often bully one another to be stoic. And if we want to talk about the successful sociopaths and psychopaths, most of those people tend to fall under the category of petty criminals or people that a lot of people don't want to associate with. There are a handful that know how to use their tendencies to become really successful but they are successful despite their sociopathy, not because of it. And even when they are successful, often times it isn't something sustainable. Also I agree with the notion that all empathy is not good. I remember reading about how there is a darker side to empathy where people can use their understanding of others to hurt and manipulate them more effectively. And no, I don't think that relationships are the only survival mechanism but I think knowing how to deal with people and yourself effectively by knowing how to be aware of your own emotions, regulate them, and communicate in a healthy way is a crucial part of being a well adjusted adult.

He is a hard worker and he can be head strong (but so far I haven't seen this manifest in an unhealthy way). He does have a better picture of what he's wanting to do with his life than I do and he seems to be working towards it steadily. He did share this anecdote once on how he tried to invest in stocks but it backfired on him and how that taught him to be more responsible with money. He is also pretty spontaneous and impulsive for better and for worse. For better in the sense that he is comfortable with taking a healthy amount of risk and just generally enjoying himself. For worse in the sense that it has led him to get in trouble for really dumb, albeit harmless, reasons (i.e. practical jokes that got a little out of hand unintentionally when he was growing up). Lol, I think it's more along the lines of I'm learning to live a little and he's learning to respect money. I think out of us two, I tend to be on the stingier side. I find it interesting that this reading is talking so much about money. He's been paying for all of the dates so far and that has been causing me to reflect more on my relationship with money since I'm not used to being treated this way and it feels a little awkward. I also think that this relationship is developing in a very slow and steady pace since both of us are relatively inexperienced with dating and getting into relationships.

Can you expand on this more? Don't you think that also harms male relationships, platonic or otherwise? Because to me, a lack of empathy and a lack of rationality go hand in hand. Empathy is a rational response because it yields to productive, healthy, and fulfilling interactions.

How do you describe treating someone in a rational manner?

I've just been skimming the comments so feel free to call me out if I misinterpreted something from reading too fast lol. I feel that just in general, a lot of people on here tends to be rather misanthropic and assume that other people aren't conscious enough. Granted just as a society we have a long way to go but healthy relationships and dynamics that are fulfilling and help you grow aren't some kind of magical unicorn. Also, can we please let go of the false dichotomy of women/femininity being emotional and men/masculinity being rational? It over simplifies people into rigid roles without leaving room for nuance or a personality. It also reinforces a lot of harmful belief that can be along the lines of *it isn't masculine to be emotional* or *women are crazy and can't be grounded when expressing emotions.* And those notions can lead to a lot of negative consequences that I don't think needs to bear repeting on here.

I know I'm a little late to the conversations but I just watched the video and I have my own thoughts on it. Almost everyone talks about how good communication is essential in keeping a relationship but often times I feel that most people don't know what even consists of good communication. And I think this video does a good job at illustrating some of the aspects of healthy communication. Self Awareness: In order to be able to articulate your feelings and experinces, you need to first be able to identify what they are in the first place. And I think this couple did a good job at that by sitting with their emotions, labeling them, and putting a number on the scale on it to figure out which is the dominant emotion that is at play. I also love on how Annie was able connect her past experiences to what she was experiencing in the present as context of the situation and as a way of reflecting and slowing down instead of for instance lashing out or acting at the heat of the moment. Vulnerability, Safety, and Honesty: Though this video I feel show vulnerability in an extremely soft and emotional way, I don't think that is the only way that vulnerability can manifest in communication. To, vulnerability isn't always a soft fuzzy thing rather it is something that can be incredibly strong and foundational in a conversation or dynamic. A lot of vulnerbility has to do with honesty and feeling comfortable around a person to show up authentically and knowing that when you do that the other person is going to respect it and give you space to experience what you're experiencing. That can mean a variety of things ranging from validating the other person's emotions by mirroring their words back to them to help them self reflect, sitting with them as they explore and figure things out, listening actively, and setting / respecting boundaries. I can see a lot of those things in this video which I think its great. Letting the other person explore within the conversation: I don't think you need to walk into every vulnerable conversation knowing exactly what you're going through. Sometimes you can explore those emotions together and it can help having another set of eyes looking at you and your situation since they might pick up on something you might not have. For me personally, I like to have some degree of alone time to identify what I'm feeling and going through so I have something to work with when I'm talking to someone. Other people might be comfortable with going through the emotions in real time while talking about it. And that is ok. Whatever helps you learn about yourself and about your situation the best. Making the other person the priority: I do like how Eben talked about how it's important to be present and give someone their full attention during these types of situations. Not only does it help the other person feel valued but it also helps you pay attention to the situation. Also, I think it just goes without saying that if you consider yourself friends with someone, in a relationship or whatever, that this is just basic human decency and respect to care about other people and empathize with them instead of being dismissive or distracted. I think for me personally, I do appreciate the video for what it is which is a good example of healthy communication. But at the same time I don't find myself resonating with the style. This couple does have a woo woo, new agey style, nothing wrong with it but it might not be everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. This isn't a critique about their presentation but I do think they have an audience in mind, which is other new agey people. I just think that this type of interaction, when broken down, is more common than one might think from watching this video. I know that I have a similar dynamic with most of my friends in that we have a degree of self awareness, we value one another, we feel emotionally safe with one another, we can be vulnerable when talking about our feelings and expereinces, and we're honest with each other. But it doesn't play out with us going through body awareness exercises and rating our emotions on a scale of 1 to 10. If that's a tool that helps other people be more intuned with themselves, that's great, just not my thing lol. You can definitely exhibit self awareness without running through that particular process. You can definitly be this vulnerable without having it be this soft. I also want to talk about the style of this because personally I get the impression that stage green tends to be pigeon holed into this hippy, new agey stereotype when the stage can have just as much diversity and range as stage orange for example. I don't think that these types of interactions are a rarity but if you look for it in the specific form of this particular style, it can look kind of out there. This is going to be nitpicky but I do want to highlight this point that might get lost in all of this. When Eben was like "your saddness is beautiful," it did rub me the wrong way just a tad bit. It wasn't so much to where I was uncomfortable with it since I knew the context of the situation rather it was more along the lines of *this might be something to note and be a little cautious of in other circumstances.* The reason why this didn't set off alarm bells and I can acknowledge that I am being a bit nitpicky is that this was said with the intention of making the other person feel safe in their emotional expression, that they have the space to be authentic, and that they are loved and accepted in this experience. But that phrase did make me think of something which is how some people tend to romanticize negative emotions and that didn't rub me the best way. Again, I don't think this was Eben's intention given the context but I do think it's beneficial to point it out. Personally, I think it's a healthier approach to say something along the lines of "what you're feeling is valid and it's ok to feel this way and talk if you are comfortable. I appreciate that you feel comfortable with sharing this with me."

@seeking_brilliance No worries ! Happens to all of us. Take your time and take care of business. There’s no rush

@seeking_brilliance are you still doing tarot readings or just taking a break? I'm so sorry, i don't mean to be rude and you certainly don't have to if you don't want to, but I'm really just curious about my tarot reading. I really don't want this to come off the wrong way