soos_mite_ah

@Roy I've been dealing with this issue for years now and I've been reflecting about this recently on how this is something that I finally have come to a resolution to in my own life. Idk to what extent it will resonate and to what extent it will help but I just thought I'd share this. I feel like a lot of this, granted there is no other drama or messiness involved, is a natural part of growing up. I think that especially when you're in your teens and twenties that people are incredibily dynamic in the way that everyone is growing at different paces, directions, and ways entirely. Because of varying factors ranging from our peer groups who lack life experience, to the way that movies and TV portray friendships, to the way that older people sometimes talk about friendships , there is this notion that friends are forever and your real friends will be the ones who stick with you til the end. I have personally found according to my life experience that this is not the case and honestly, you can have real, genuine, fulfilling connections and they might just drift a part for whatever reason that is not either of y'all's fault. Because again, everyone is growing in different ways and doing different thigns in their lives. And in my opnion, it's unfair that people should always stick to one another since we all deserve to grow into the people we're meant to become, even if it means that we grow apart. And just because you grow apart, doesn't mean you won't one day grow back together again. I've had friendships where I have gotten to a place where I had to go do my own thing for a few years and then reconnect with people. I have friend groups where we go through different seasons and different people are closer to others at different times. And just like the seasons, it circles back again. Just because a season with someone has passed doesn't mean that afterwards yall aren't close anymore and the relationship is dead. Rather, sometimes it means that it's an off season and you're better off nuturing other relationships or other areas of your life for a little while. I kind of had a similar issue as well and I still find myself sometimes feeling a little bitter when I find myself being the main one to reach out. But something that has helped me is voicing that concern by quite literally saying that "hey I really like hanging out with you and I feel like otherwise we have a healthy dynamic but I often find myself being the one that reaches out more often and that makes me uncomfortable at times because it feels unequal and I'm afraid of being in a situation where it's not reciprocal." And see what they say and how they react. If they were doing this unintentionally, they will start being the ones to reach out more often. The reason why it's sometimes unintentional is because sometimes we get used to a certain dynamic (i.e. you being the one to initiate) to where that feels like the norm and expectation and they just get into a pattern of eventually expecting you to reach out instead of feeling like they need to be more proactive about it. And it isn't anything about selfishness or expecting you to do all the work, sometimes it's about going along with a pattern that was previously established and not really made conscious. They most likely don't think you're a loser or that you're annoying. As far as obligations go, I apologize if this is too obvious, but I find that as I get older I have to full on slot people into my google calander as an appointment of sorts on a regular basis to ensure that I'm nurturing that relatinship (i.e. every Sunday at 6:30pm and on wards I'm talking to friend X on the phone or facetime). I'm pretty sure teenage me would see this as less spontaneous and kind of like an obligation and as a result less authentic but at this stage of my life, if anything I see this as pretty authentic as I am carving out time for a person on a regular basis. I wouold also look into your attachment style. Sure that whole thing is often refered to romantic relationships but honestly, I guess because of the way my life has gone, I have greatly benefitted from healing my attachment style particularly when it comes to platonic relationships. At the end of the day human relationships are human relationships and odds are if you are anxiously attached in romantic situations, some of that likely bleeds into your friendships as well.

Random Little Thoughts @RendHeaven @Etherial Cat @Raphael @Myioko @modmyth I know yall follow this journal but I still felt like tagging y'all since I haven't been posting much on here. Hello there ^ - ^ I haven't been posting much on this site in general much less my journals. I was super consistent in the past but life has just been happening this year. I haven't been forcing myself to journal as I have noticed that this tends to be rather counterproductive rather I have been accepting that I am in a season where I'm focussing on different things in my life and working on them in different ways. I have recently made a few posts in the last few days in my journal Self Development To Do List. That journal is a simple reminder of the things I am currently working towards regarding my self development so that I can keep my thoughts organized and so that I can break down larger goals into smaller more actionable items. And my last two posts or so have been me contemplating on how far I have come in my development since the time I started that journal back in March 2021. I've also just been thinking about in general how far I have come since the last year as this is my final semester in college and just a year ago it was my first semester coming back in person due to the pandemic. I feel like the main reason why I haven't been journalling all that much this past year is because this year I made it a priority to be less in my head and just go out and experience life tangibly whether it is making plans with friends, studying abroad, travelling, having a part-time internship, or focussing on my internship. Let's just say ya girl has been busy. I have had enough time to take care of myself thankfully and have some space to self reflect. However, I haven't had the most luck on translating that into paper. I don't really feel bad about it as I know what my schedule looks like and how my energy levels and priorities are currently lining up to it. Nevertheless, I am growing a lot as a person and I honestly feel like that frontal lobe is growing stronger and stronger everyday lol. And in prioritizing life experience over contemplation for this last year, I would say that I have grown considerably. I would say one aspect of my life that I have grown considerably in is in my relationships both platonically and romantically. I have exercised and really strengthened not only my ability to be vulnerable to people but also being vulnerable in appropriate times in order to ensure I have a healthy dynamic with them. In doing so, I was able to create strong and authentic relationships and I got help with some of the stuff I was dealing with in a very constructive way. I also learned about ways to maintain friendships especially as an adult when things can get busy and you have to be intentional about keeping in touch with people. I have branched out considerably since last year and met a lot of new and really good people. And for the first time, I am in a romantic relationship. This is a huge milestone for me and I think it's still pretty exciting even though I've been dating him for about 5 1/2 months now. I've really been getting to know myself and what kind of partner I am in different contexts. Most importantly of all, I think the ways that I have been handling the relationship with my boyfriend is really indicative of how far I've come as a person and I can really see a lot of my self development work really paying off and manifesting in this connection. Some of those ways include how direct my communication style is, how I'm able to set boundaries and manage my time, how secure my attachment style is, how patient I'm capable of being, and how I am still working on myself outside of this relationship etc. I think a lot of things have been going smoothly despite some obstacles I have come across relating to my schedule, work load, and travels. I have some more ideas as to what would be a good career choice for me going forward. I have talked to a few companies and I have been checking in with my friends who have graduated and entered the workforce to see how they were doing and what I could learn from them. I learned about the kinds of work I want to do more of and what I want to do less of. I learned about how important it is for me to actively interact with people in my job and how I can't do tasks that isolate me from others for a long period of time. I learned about how important the pacing of a work culture and job is to me in that it can't be so fast paced to where I'm always burnt out and exhausted and it can't be so slow paced that it's mindnumbingly slow. And finally, I have had time to think about what kinds of benefits are most important for me and the things I need to focus on when searching for employment. Plus, getting some work experience to help out my skinny legend of a resume is always a plus. And finally, not to sound cliche, but my study abroad program and the week I spent travelling after that really helped me get more sure of what I wanted in life. I feel like generally I'm always stressed about something. If it's not school, it's home and vice versa. And for once, I was able to get away from both of those things and think clearly. Not to mention getting out of the country was a big reset for me as well as the U.S. has been incredibly chaotic in the last few years. To put it shortly, it helped me think of what life is capable of being and what I want if all of my needs were covered (hence the previous post in this journal). I feel like that is such an important realization for me because for years I have been so focused on advocating for my needs that I never had the chance to ask myself what I wanted. I think it gave me some goals to reach for as well as something to really look forward to in my future which really helped with the numbness I was feeling for the last few years and the doomer spirals I would find myself falling into. I still see myself in the season of experiencing life more externally and externally building a strong foundation as of right now rather that being in a season of contemplation and doing inner work in that direction. Meaning, I don't think I will be journalling regularly just quite yet both on here and on my blog The Upward Spiral which I haven't updated in forever. But I will say, writing this all out and journalling after such a long time felt really nice.

Recognizing How Far I've Come I decided that I wanted to go through my previous entries to reflect on how far I have come and exercise self compassion to my past self. Comments from my current self in 9/17/22 is in red. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two posts above made me think back to how much shame I was carrying with me and how much I have cleaned up from my psyche. I feel like one of my largest points of growth in this past year or so has been in the dimensions of personal relationships and learning to be gentle with myself through self acceptance and by letting go of needing to have my life together at all times. I feel like I really opened myself up to vulnerablity in a very positive and constructive way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two posts really makes me empathize with who I was last year and the heaviness I had to work through. Like I just want to go back and give my past self a hug and some reassurance by showing her how she resolved and processed all of these emotions less than a year later. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel like these two specific To Do Lists really set the foundation of how well this year has been going for me from a growth standpoint. I think I did a really good job at identifying action items that would give me the best pay off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like the section on this list where I talk about the things that I made a point to maintain. I feel like I got a lot out of that and I'm proud of the discipline that I used and that grew within me to keep this up as consistent things in my life. And I belive that I'm at a point where I built up a lot of positive habits that I can maintain to ensure that the good things in my life are relatively solid rather than a product of luck where I don't know how to keep what I have been blessed with because I didn't work for it if that makes sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another thing that I have been thinking about as I've been going through my old posts is how I have taken a break from the spiritual side of self development in order to build a more solid and healthy ego. I do want to get into spirituality more in the future once I have built a solid foundation for myself (and by that I mean have become independent from my parents, experienced some of the things I really find fulfilling in life, and become more financially stable). I can see myself doing that in the next few years. I have detailed those things down here: But I don't need to do everything I ever wanted before diving back into spirituality. Something that I found really important for me is to not give myself a set timeline and not rush having certain life experiences. You don't have to cram your entire lifetime and experiences into your 20s. I can see myself getting more into spirituality in the next 1-3 years or so incrementally.

@Tron why lol? I didn't say anything bad about him other than that it's taking me a minute to feel attraction and I'm trying to figure out where my sexuality falls under this. I mean, I enjoy being around him and we work well together.

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months because a friend set us up. I really like spending time with him and meets all of my standards. There is basically an abundance of green flags so I kept going on dates with him. The problem is, I’m still trying to figure out to what extent I like him because I’m not really attracted to him and he isn’t really my type. Also, he gives me this impression of being emotionally closed off. That’s really the only red flag I have noticed from him but he is pretty self aware about it. He also seems like the type of person who takes a while to get to know because of that. I think because of that and the attraction piece, there is a part of me that is hesitant about how I feel about him. We’ve been on roughly 6-8 dates at this point. I also have my doubts regarding to what extent he’s even attracted to me. Even after all these dates, we haven't done anything more than a kiss on the cheek. Which isn’t a problem and I get that we’re both moving slower because we’re both relatively inexperienced and a little awkward (honestly I think that’s healthier for me). He seems kind of stiff at times and normally I try to check in to make sure he’s comfortable with everything (and he usually is, he just feels like he gets caught off guard at times). I guess my problem is that I can’t really see myself doing anything more than a simple peck on the lips. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not attracted to him or if I’m still trying to get to know him. Anyways, today I went on a date with him and as usual it goes over well. He walked me to my car and asks me to be his girlfriend to which I respond with yes. I wasn’t really thinking in this situation and I was in a rush because my parents wanted to be home at a certain time so that was mainly on my mind. On top of that, I was in his arms and it felt vaguely romantic so I guess I was trying to play along with the situation. It wasn’t even that he was pressuring me or anything but it was something he wanted to talk about since I’m leaving the country tomorrow for a study abroad trip. Also, it caught me off guard a little because there was a part of me that was even doubtful on whether or not he was attracted to me. The good news is that after saying yes, I don’t feel this sinking feeling in my stomach or *oh shit I fucked up baaaad.* But at the same time it feels a little dishonest since I’m not entirely sure how I feel about him and whether or not I want to commit and as a result I do feel a little trapped. It’s similar to how you feel after you just agreed to something at work and you realized you might have accidentally taken on more than you can handle. but yeahhhh….. how do I handle this situation? Should I continue just going along as his girlfriend or should I have a conversation about my uncertainties? And if I should have the conversation, how do I go about it without sounding like an asshole?

My Main Life Goals So when I got to travel around a bit after my study abroad program, I finally got more space to think about what I actually wanted out of life because I wasn't stressed from school or from family. I jounaled about this in my private journal offline but I thought I'd just insert it here as well: Travel Around Live in a walkable area with good public transport Live/Settle in a Different Country (New Zealand) Create, Maintain, and Build strong friendships Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life Workout ambitions Have a kid and raise them well Be financially secure and make money to fund all of this (and figure out career ambitions eventually) Workout ambitions (things I want to get into): (Items on the bulletted lists that are bolded are things I'm focussing on now) Strength Training: Build muscle, max out on different machines, intimidate gym bros Ice Skating: A hobby I like Yoga: for meditative purposes and flexibility Pilates: It seems fun Spin: It seems fun Skiing: A hobby I like Hiking: Seems fun Pole Dancing: That’s impressive lol Having a kid and raise them well (once I'm like in my 30s or so (in other words not now or the near future)) Be financially secure Pick a good partner and have a solid relationship Have hobbies, a support group of friends, and somewhat of a settled down life outside of the U.S. Live a life well lived so you don’t have any regrets Educate yourself on how to raise kids Be educated, open minded, and prepared for anything Work through all of your trauma and break generational curses Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life: Have a starter relationship Try a polyamorous dynamic Have somewhat of a hoe phase and try out your kinks Settle down with someone you really like Feel safe exploring your sexuality (*cough* *cough* Roe v. Wade) Financial Goals: Buy a house or apartment in NZ Fund my travels Support myself with no problems Get independent from my family Have a few additional sources of income other than my main job for security purposes Retirement Emergency Funds Financial stability for my future family Fund my education if I want to pursue more Other random little things I want to do: Be fluent in Spanish Learn to speak Hindi Go on a few meditation retreats Experiment with psychedelics a couple times Actually read the books from your undergrad education Sky diving Bungee Jumping Write a couple books and keep blogging Get a few tattoos Travel Ambitions: More details in my personal journal (the one that are clustered are like a package deal as in when I go to Portugal, I'm going to hit up Spain and Morocco as well) Canada México Cuba Brazil Portugal Spain Morocco Greece Turkey Cyprus Maldives (might want to get on that before they sink) Sri Lanka India (Jaipur Trip) Nepal Pakistan Australia Japan South Korea Fiji Bali Thailand Next Time You Visit Family: UAE (abu dhabi + other experiences) Qatar Other things I want to see Amsterdam Again The Northern Lights/ Midnight Sun

Update: I decided to not have the conversation with him after I had a few days to calm down about all of this. I was still willing to give this a chance because there was something in my intuition telling me to do so. It was surprisingly easy for me to keep in touch with him during that month and a half and I took that as a sign that I can see this person being in my life. When I came back to the U.S., I was still nervous about potentially getting the ick from him. I decided to get a little bit more physical because 1) I was touch starved, 2) I felt like I didn't have enough info about how I felt about him, and 3) I was moving into my college dorm and I finally had more privacy. I would say after that I was pretty sure that even though I wasn't exactly attracted to him, it wasn't so bad to where it would affect our relationship or that I'm like turned off by him. I could see that as something that could grow over time. Fastforward like a month to now, I feel like we have a very healthy and solid relationship. I feel very comfortable around him both physically and emotionally and we're both really good at communicating with one another. He treats me really well and of course I like to reciprocate. I do feel like I am growing more attached to him and that I definitely like him now that I've known and dated him for a little over 4 months now. Attractionwise I feel like it's going to take some more time as we deepen our reltionship for this to grow. I do feel something attractionwise but I will admit that it's still not to the point where I'm attracted to him just yet. Honestly, I think I might be demisexual at this point.

Not making a new To Do List but I thought I'd clean things up a bit.

I'm just looking to discuss on here and present some of my thoughts. I don't think I have one single life purpose or one that coincides with my career. I have many things that give my life meaning such as my hobbies, working on myself, interests, the people in my life, and travelling etc. I'm at a place where I feel like it's important to get a job that pays enough and gives me enough work life balance for me to be able to pursue these things. I'm at a place where I simply want to experience life and do fun little fullfilling things along the way rather than having one big career related purpose to focus on. I'm not opposed to finding a fulfilling career eventually but as of right now that isn't my main concern as I'm finding a lot of fulfillment in various other areas of life. I want to focus on those other areas while having a stable job in the mean time. It doesn't have to be the best job in the world, just enough to pay the bills, have a little left over, and give me peace of mind and independence from my family.

I'm currently a college student but I am graduating on December. While freelancing or having my own business is an aspiration of mine, it's not something that i feel compelled to pursue at this time. As someone who is entering the professional workforce for the first time, I think it would be valuable to take this journey step by step and by starting out with working a regular 9-5 for an employer first before going off and doing my own thing. I also need to get a better idea as to what kind of career I want but that isn't the thing in my life that is front and center at the moment. Right now I'm just concerned with getting a job after graduating so I can be financially independent from my parents. I think the life purpose and getting clear on your values are something that can serve as a compass for your future goals going forward for a wide variety of situations and areas in your life. It's also something that grounds you and it can be a big goal centering you or a lot of smaller goals. Like it can look like 7 years of med school or it can look like nurturing your relationships and having travel goals. Because something that I'm noticing is that I have a lot of ambitions, it's just that none of them are career related as of right now.

I would also say that whether this is too much of 3 months or not depends on what you're trying to accomplish for this trip. If you are trying to get a feel for the culture, I'd say do a month or two weeks per country. If there are specific things or sights you want to see and experience, then you can jump around a little more. If you want some space to chill, do that and account for time accordingly. Also, I'm not sure what Vancover's infrastructure is like but as someone who is from Texas and has very little experience with public transport and how slow the cars go in Europe, I underestimated how long it takes to get from one place to another. Like the distance between Paris and Bordeaux is similar to the distance between Dallas and Houston. The first takes about 7 hours while the later is about 4 hours. That's another thing that I failed to take into account and I would encourage you to think about infrastructure when planning out the timing of this trip. Thankfully I only planned to visit 3 places during this week so it wasn't too chaotic and I was able to learn this lesson in a less painful way.

I just got back from a trip where in one week I went from London to Amsterdam, to Paris, then to Bordeaux, and then back to London again. I was studying abroad in London and I have family there so after my school program was done, I spent some time with my cousin, dropped off my excess luggage, and travelled with a backpack during that week. Granted I didn't budget much during this trip. I wanted to see where my regular money habits would get me so I can gage how much a trip like this costs and how to minimize costs going forward since I know what I'm working with personally now. I would say that transportation, including buses between the places I mentioned above and trains, as well as lodging, it came up to roughly $750. I could have minimized this price more had I booked the trains, busses, and hostels about a couple weeks or months ahead of time. I had a handful of mix ups in my plans because of health reasons so I wasn't set on my plans until a few days before I went on this trip. Uber was about $250. Uber is very expensive here and costed me about $50 each time I used it and I used it mainly as a last resort. I spent roughly $10 per meal and had 3 meals a day. For 7 days it was around $210. I spent about $250 on additional experiences and miscellaneous purchases (busses within the city, subway passes, different experiences like museums and tours, pharmacy purchases, getting adapters, drinks/partying etc.). This totals up to $1460 for the week not including the ticket I used to initially get to the U.K. The ticket from Dallas to London round trip was $1550 but the cost was covered because I had enough airline miles on my account. Also, it's important to consider that I was in western Europe where things are more expensive. I'm sure if you go to eastern Europe to places like Hungary, Lithuania, Latvia, Estona, Serbia it will be cheaper. I'm not sure how much cheaper as I've never been there but I would say it's better to overshoot on your budget to make room for emergencies. For example, I almost got stranded in Paris without a place to stay and for me to get a last minute train ticket to Bordeaux or have a hotel stay there would have been quite pricey. And it's important to have that type of cushion because things do go wrong when travelling as it is a part of the whole experience and learning how to be adaptable. Another tip, get a credit card that gets you airline miles everytime you purchase something with it. Use that card to pay for everything including your bills and pay it off in full every month. You can rack up a lot of points this way and it's how my family manages to get money for me and my mother to fly to India every other year. Tickets from Dallas to India are about $2000 each. To get two tickets for free, my family does the credit card thing for two years to rack up enough points and mile and we often also have more to spare which is enough for a smaller trip or good to have for emergency purposes.

My Current Flavor of Crazy So I made a list like this about a year ago out of self deprecation. I just felt like making another one to update it to take stock of where I'm at with my development. I transfered over somethings from the previous list that I thought still applied to me, omitted the stuff that I no longer resonate with, and added new items. The stuff that is underlined are old stuff I haven't dealt with completely from last year. And honestly, I feel like most of this isn't even me benig crazy rather it's a reasonable reaction to the chaos in the world and me figuring out my life admist of it. I guess this post is just a snap shot of my messy 22 year old mind. Just college student about to graduate things: I don't know what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going career wise. Not sure how I'm going to deal with "being in the real world," work life balance, and just the existential dread that comes with graduating. How I'm dealing with the current state of the world: I don't want to work. Like at all. I've become pretty numb/ burnt out in these last few years when it comes to the state of the world and where I fit into it. Life has been existentially horrible lately. I'm a little delusional in the way that I use astrology, manifestation, and romanticizing my life to cope with how gross reality is I have developed a few kinks as a result of my current emotional state. Dealing with the stuff that my weird school environment put me through: My body image is kind of fucked up because of the amount of time I spent with my mom and my school's culture around diet and exercise. I don't have much confidence academically or professionally because of the shit show that has been my life in the last few years How I've essentially felt like a watered down version of myself for 4 years I'm capable of being a real asshole in love: Don't feel like explaining my sins on the internet just yet. Gonna save this for my therapist later on lol.

To Do List 8/1 Finish up school/classes: I'm going to be graduating in December Apply to jobs or at least figure out what kinds of jobs to look into: Eww Deal with imposter syndrome: I feel like I'm making good progress with this and a lot of it has to do with who I'm surrounding myself with Deal with body image issues and maintain healthy eating/ exercise habits: Back slid a little with my deteriorating health during my study abroad trip. Need to continue working with a nutritionist with that one. Deal with the numbness and exhaustion you have been experiencing: My life emotionally can be summed up with "Numb Little Bug" song Look into immigrating to New Zealand: Living in another country has always been a goal of mine and I think it's about time I prioritize that Have that difficult conversation with my cousin: Don't feel like detailing it online but I know what it is lol. Blogging/ Journalling: I need to get on that but I'm not forcing myself to do anything atm Maintain your friendships: Check in with those who have graduated and make plans with the ones you reconnected with Look into liposuction: Just curious regarding costs and if I'm a good candidate. I'm not about to do anything anytime soon but I want to look into the option.

Just wanted to cross somethings off before I start another list

I'm considering liposuction in my stomach. It is my biggest insecurity and no amount of therapy, self love, diet, and exercise has been working for me. It has helped significantly but I still find myself hitting a wall. I have been adopting a healthy diet and healthy relationship with food and I usually workout 3-4 times a week. I'm not looking at this as a substitute for weight loss (like I see myself probably losing max 10 lbs if I go through with this). I am fairly small in other areas of my body and this is just how my body typically distributes weight. I think it would really help me to clear up space my mind because I find myself being fixated on this emotionally and mentally. I often find myself body checking and being tempted to back slide into unhealthy habits because of how my stomach looks. Having this stomach and always having weight loss for the sake of spot reduction in the back of my mind is really taking a toll on me. I know for certain that if I were to aim for a flat stomach through diet and exercise, I would easily spiral into dangerous habits because my body is not naturally built like that. If I were to get this surgery, I would only focus on my back (to even some things out/ so that it's proportional) and stomach both because of cost and because I feel like doing anything more would just be me nitpicking and doing the most. I feel like every other body insecurity I have is something that is either in passing or that I have made peace with but the stomach thing has been constant for a very long time. Other than my stomach, I more or less love the way that I look most of the time. What are some signs that plastic surgery or liposuction is right for you and that you are doing it consicously? Have any of you guys considered it or have gone through with it and why or why not?

I was planning on making this post before and then it came up in my lipo post. I don't want it to go unnoticed so I'm going to copy and paste this comment and my bolded response down below. I want to credit @Consilience and I want to emphasize the questions that are bolded and underlined.

@Jannes about 5 months

@Salvijus yeah.... I can't eat a 1000 calories in one sitting. Even if I didn't try to diet/restrict, I would tend to unintentionally undereat. If it works for you that's great, but it doesn't work that way for me

@Salvijus It was actually due to severly undereating, not having any bowel movements because I was starving myself, and fucking up my gut bacteria by restricting the types of foods I ate. I stopped feeling bloated ever since I started eating like a normal person.

Eating disorder history I was anorexic for a couple years and dieted a lot when I was younger. I have recently had to deal with a bunch of nutritional deficiencies lately as well as a messed up metabolism as a reprucusion of my previous history.