soos_mite_ah

@Jannes So this is what I'm getting at. Let me know if I have any misconceptions: If you want to maintain muscle while in a calorie deficit, make sure you're getting in enough protein. You might lose muscle regardless of protein intake while in a calorie deficit depending on your body composition. Calorie deficits, regardless of the amount of protein, can impact your energy and training but you can make it up by doing other things. My thing is that I'm about 160lbs and 5'2". I have a decent amount of muscle mass already to where I see arm definition in certain lighting and whenever I run my hands over my thighs I can feel my different quad muscles. My forearms and my calves feel very solid. I'm mainly looking to lose some fat to get smaller and so that I can see my progress. I feel like I was already a little chubby and since gaining muscle I feel like I look even bigger and my clothes fit weird. I'm not looking to get rid of the muscle since that won't be good for my health but I do want to lose fat. As a result, I have been a little hesitant with strength training recently because I don't want to gain more muscle but I do want to maintain it while losing fat.

Gonna be honest, it hasn't been a walk in the park and for me at least, I come to realize that I'm never going to 100% like myself and that is perfectly normal and acceptable. It's normal to have parts of yourself that you might not like and just continuing living your life. But sometimes, even if you can accept that you don't like something about yourself, that doesn't mean that you stop wanting to change. And I think that's where I'm at with this particular issue. I mean I think it would depend on a variety of factors including but not limited to how old she is and if her body is still developing where this insecurity is coming from how constant her distress is (whether this is her nitpicking, if this is really bothering her, or if it's bothering her but she isn't desperate for it) cost of the surgery risks involved with the surgery whether she's doing any inner work to address this issue or any underlying issues that might influence this how healthy her mindset is otherwise if it's rooted in things like racism her over all understanding of herself and her situation external factors that might have led her to think about this such as the media, peer groups, the internet etc. I would ultimately want it to be her choice if she is old enough and has the money but I would facilitate a discussion to ensure she's making a wise, well thought out choice without pushing my agenda onto her. These are also factors I'm taking into consideration and contemplating for myself because I'm aware of how invasive and extreme something like this is. I don't think that there is anything wrong with plastic surgery but I do think that there is a right and wrong way of going about it.

I agree. I will admit, I'm not in the healthiest environment right now. My mom has had issues with food an her body for as long as I can remember and I currently go to a school where everyone is thin. Even though I'm not that big, most of the time I'm the biggest person in the room. I don't really follow many people i don't know on instagram other than meme pages, some people I think are pretty, news accounts, and self help pages. I think I will have a clearer idea where I stand once I'm on my own and am away from my school and home environment. There is a whole thing on how if the mom has body image issues and speaks badly about herself that the daughter is likely to follow. I've had a lot of weight related insecuries projected on to me growing up and I've had to deal with that and find a healthier relationship with food. It's still a work in progress. If I'm going to be completely honest, I don't have unconditional self-love. Sure I'm not actively hating myself but I know that for example, if I were to get low grades, gain weight, lose all friends etc. that I am not going to feel good about myself. I've improved a lot in this regard but also fixing various areas of my life externally instead of relying on self love and reflection to fix everything has been incredibly important for me. I think in the past I relied on finding internal solutions too much and currently I'm in a phase where I'm trying to do more tangible things to improve my internal and external circumstances. And I'm trying to find a healthy medium for myself in the process. And as for the inner child healing stuff, I'm on board with that. But I will say that in certain areas in my life that I am hitting a wall of sorts regarding how far I can take that kind of unconditional love. There are parts of myself that I genuinely hate and no amount of knowing better really helps with it. And right now I'm trying to just sit with that without forcing myself to change that kind of self hatred.

I generally agree. I'm not a fan of using external circumstances to deal with internal problems and it isn't my first line of defense. Which is why I think this thread is beneficial in that it's helping me sort out my thoughts to see if it's coming from a reasonable place. I have considered the possibility of the trap of constantly trying to fix things and I am trying to be wary of that when it comes to my decision, whatever it may be. I'm not about to do this right away as there are costs and additional factors for me to consider and work through personally so even if I decide to do this, it would be at least a couple years before I actually do. Personally I feel like I have a good hand over all lol. My arms and legs are toned and I like my chest and by butt lol however I think because I don't have the waist, it kind of makes me look like a box and it looks weird from the side profile (especially since I'm 5'2" with long legs and a short torso proportionally speaking)). Like I feel that if I just got rid of the stomach everything else would stand out more ya know? Funny enough is that a part of me is looking forward to aging because I feel like wrinkles and gray/white hair look cool and add character to people's faces. Maybe it's just me being an only child and being surrounded by a lot of old people growing up to where I just acquired an additional appreciation of aging due to familiarity. I know that's not the point of you saying that but I just wanted to throw that out there since there is a lot of shame around aging especially for women.

Oh absolutely not. But what I think is the difference between now and 10 years ago almost is that I sorted out most of the underlying emotional stuff that was going on at the time, surrounded myself with more supportive people, and had more time to educate myself on how my body works and the limits around it. Like I don't have that delusion of looking like I'm 5'8" and being rail thin anymore like I did when I was 13 and I know that unless I do something drastic that I won't be able to lose a considerable amount of muscle (also back then I categorized everything as me being fat even if it literally didn't make sense). Now don't get me wrong, I'm still dealing with stuff right now particularly in my home and school environment. I'm also kind of sensitive to my body changing especially since I have been trying to change up my diet so that I have a healtheir metabolism and address the deficiencies I accumulated from habits that went unchecked just because I wasn't getting the negative effects of it then. For a long time, I had a lot of unhealthy habits ingrained to me sold as "tips to be healthy" that went unnoticed because I was much more at peace with my body and didn't hate my body the way I did in my early teens (i.e. intermittent fasting, drinking water instead of eating if you want a snack or chew gum, restricting carbs, binging and restricting due to moralizing food by having "cheat days", trying not to eat more than 1400 calories etc.). And since I'm not doing those things anymore and I'm consistently making the point to eat enough throughout the day, I have put on some weight. I will admit, that has been messing with me as of recently and I'm still working through it. But something that I've noticed is that even most of the time when I am at peace with my body, whether it's my arms, my legs, my height, my chest, my face etc., the one thing that never budges is my stomach. I feel like the difference between then and now is that back then if I considered something like this, I would want to get everything done. Now it's just one part of my body and that's it. I guess I can see the relativity of how I like some parts of my body or hate them depending on a variety of factors. But with my stomach, I've always really consistently hated the way it looks.

@integral never if I did, it was probably before age 7 but I can’t remember much in general from that age much less on what my stomach looked like. I did come close to a flat stomach in my early teens but I had a full on eating disorder at the time. everyone in my family is somewhat apple shaped even when skinny/fit. Like I have a really fit cousin who does marathons and stuff and works out every day but he doesn’t have a flat stomach. It’s a genetic thing in my family that even when lean, our fat distribution is a little on the stomach. and also I mean, it’s not like you can spot reduce fat. Sure you can do core exercises but that will build up muscle in your core, not necessarily get rid of the fat. You need to be in a calorie deficit and even then from my experience, you can’t really control where you’re losing weight from. That’s up to genetics which is always important to remember when you watch fitness and what I eat in a day videos because even if you follow it exactly, you won’t look exactly like the people showing you their diet or workout routines.

@no_name My typical workout looks something like this: Walk to the gym from my car or dorm for 10 minutes. 4 sets of dumbell chest presses with 25lbs on each hand and 4 sets of bicep curls with 20lbs in each hand alternating. Each set is for 15 reps 4 sets calf raises at 280 lbs with 10 reps per set 4 sets of leg presses at 430 lbs for 15 reps per set 4 sets of low rows at 105 lbs with 10 reps per set alternating with 4 sets of either tricep push downs (70lbs) or lat pulldowns (85lbs) with 10 reps per set. And then I either do more weight lifting or I get on the treadmill for 20 minutes at 3mph with the incline on 6. I'm trying to work my way to 12 so I could do the 12-3-30 challenge Afterwards I walk 10 minutes back to my dorm or car. This usually amounts to about an hour and 20 minutes for me.

Wouldn't that just be over training?? Your muscles need time to rest and recover in order to build and adjust. I found that for me personally, if I do more than 4 times a week, I tend to burn myself out or get obsessive to where my workouts aren't as good anymore. 3-4 weeks works for me because it gives me some flexibility in my schedule and it lets me listen to my body. What do sports bras have to do with flexing your abs lmaooo That doesn't even make sense Lol, been doing this since I was 10 because of ~~**insecurities**~~ I suppose I could try that... Gonna be honest, I'm into cardio (especially running, I could deal with the bike or eliptical though since that's kind of fun for me) so it's hard for me to be consistent. I've basically been doing workouts I genuinely enjoy so that I could get into the habit of it and so I can get rid of the negative connotation I had with the gym for a long time.

I do weight lifting and I walk around a lot. I haven't updated this journal in a whlie because I've been travelling but here are some more details:

Part of me genuinely thinks this. I feel like I've been doing a lot of work regarding dealing with the other traumas that have led me to feeling the way I do about my body. But I still find myself hitting a wall. That said, even though it feels like it, I'm willing to do as much inner work as possible so that this doesn't turn into constantly fixing things. But even then in the end of the day, even if you sort everything out, you might still have parts of yourself that you just don't like. And that's ok and i think it's up to you to decide where to go from there. I say a part of me because I do still think that there is some more work to be done after I move out of my parent's house and graduate from college as I'm not in the best of environment. I'm still thinking of waiting a couple more years before doing this both because I'm looking into my options, healing other issues, taking care of my health, and of course, money is a factor as well. I don't just have a few thousand dollars laying around lol. I'm also looking into that option as well. I guess it will depend on cost and the number of sessions depending on the area that is being treated. I think I would prefer to do the cool sculpting since it isn't invasive but I have some doubts. I feel like the pictures I have seen for that were mainly pictures of people who have a pound or two to go or like a very small area where as lipo has more results. Then again idk, there are variety of factors involved and there isn't a way of knowing unless I talk to a professional about my goals and what would be the best course of action.

@Michael569 Definitely taking note of this. I'm not planning on going through with this any time soon. I still don't know how things will come up as far as cost goes or if I'm an ideal candidate for this at all. If I do decide to do this, it might be a couple years from now once I graduate, move out, and save up some money. Who knows, maybe I'll reconsider and not go through this at all. If that is the case and I find that kind of self love in myself, then I'll be more than happy to let this go. I'm venting at this point and putting my thoughts out there: I just think that it's a good idea to talk through this. I hope this isn't how I'm coming off as but I don't want people to come on this thread thinking that I already made up my mind and that I'm looking for a fight in the thread. I just want to talk things out to make sure if this decision is coming from a reasonable place. I am aware of the obvious pitfalls such as using surgery to escape unhealthy eating habits, getting addicted to fixing things, and making an impulse decisions for these things. But I guess what I'm look for is a sanity check to make sure this is coming from a consicous place. I'm not going to sit here and act like this is a super empowering decision for women in general. I am aware that a lot of the thoughts that I have about my body don't exist in a vacuum and have things like misogyny, capitalism, and whatever current trend there is affecting my perception. I also don't think that plastic surgery, lipo, or any surgery for aesthetic purposes should be stigmatized because that adds to the problem of people not disclosing things and perpetuating unrealistic standards. At the same time, I do see these kinds of surgery as a form of last resort if nothing else is working given that you're otherwise psychologically stable (i.e. as in not having an eating disorder, not having a 1000 things you want to fix, not doing this for approval etc.). This is definitely not for everyone and it isn't something to trivialize or normalize. And I know that I do hold myself to an unrealistic standard. I know that if I eat right and exercise, I'm still not going to be as lean as other people who do the same thing because we're all different and healthy doesn't have one look. But at the same time, my stomach is still something that really bothers me. I have worked on self acceptance and I will continue to do so until I have the means to do this but it's only doing so much. Again, maybe in a couple years I'll be able to move on with my life idk. I'm just wondering if I'm at that stage of *this is my last resort*

@Something Funny I've experimented for 10 years and got myself several nutritional deficiencies in the process. I would consider something granted that it isn't overly restrictive or unrealistic but honestly, surgery seems like the thing that would put this to end once and for all with less complications. Recovery takes 4-5 days and then it takes a few weeks for your body to settle in to it.

@something_else It's something like this. Like it isn't so much to where I would need to prioritize weight loss before the procedure and I can hide it with most clothes. But it is enough to really bother me and get under my skin. I would estimate that I have about 5lbs of fat here.

@something_else Well... it certainly isn't flat that's for sure

I have a healthy diet and exercise routine. I decided to work with a nutritionist so that I could get a professional opinion because following waaay too much diet advice from not the best reputable sources gave me a very fucked up relationship with food to where I lost my hunger cues entirely. My current diet has a lot of fruits and vegetables, carbs, protien (plant based and other wise), and healthy fats. I have variety in my diet as well as flexibility to where I'm not paranoid about the kinds of foods I encounter. I can also eat foods that might not be considered "healthy" in moderation without guilt. I haven't binged for a very long time now. I have more energy, more stable moods, and better blood work. I don't snack constantly nor do I have intense cravings. I had to put on a little bit of weight because of that which I am now ok with for the most part because I was basically starving myself before. I also built a good amount of muscle which I am proud of. I have an excercise routine that I genuinely enjoy and often look forward to which consists of weight training and low impact cardio depending on what I'm in the mood for. It's just that even with all of this, I naturally carry some weight in my stomach which I won't be able to get rid of unless I were to be extremely strict and go back to dysfunctional habits that will mess with my health over all. Because I still have body image issues which I'm afraid will cause me go back to restricting again, I think it's best to just get the surgery so I don't have to think about it ever again and continue with my healthy habits without being fixated on my appearance. I feel like it would help me greatly for my mental healthy both from a confidence stand point but also from the standpoint of addressing my body image. That said, since I'm otherwise happy with my body, I don't see this as something that would be spiraling out of control and result in me getting multiple procedures. I have thought about this for a few years now. I have made peace with the limitations of my body to where I'm not going to get on a crash diet to be something that is unrealistic for me but I also recognize that maybe a change is necessary for me to be at peace with myself.

I've tried the low carb route and it personally hasn't worked for me. I am working with a nutritionist with this and I have made excellent progress on my blood work as I was deficient in multiple things and my horomones were out of wack due to my history of restrictive dieting over the years. Elimination diets are personally not for me mentally or physically. And also, during the times i have lost weight, very little of it has been on around my stomach. I'm relatively lean and muscular in other parts of my body except my stomach.

I'm studying abroad rn and I noticed that ever since I got here I'm much more suceptible to hunger headaches. I feel like I'm eating the same volume of food so as a result I'm not physically hungry, but I keep finding myself being dizzy and having a headache in between meals. I know these are hunger headaches because after I eat a meal, I feel much better. Granted I'm walking everywhere and I have to walk up and down 4 flights of stairs everytime I want to go to my room because my building doesn't have elevators so I have increased my physical activity. My guess is that even though I'm eating the same amount of food as far as volume goes, the food I'm eating is lower in caloric density. I noticed that when I have been going to restaurants around here, the calories are lower than what I'm used to. I think it's because the U.S. has a bunch of shit pumped into the food that are really bad for you since there are no regulations and that increases the calories (don't quote me, I don't know how calories are created or how they are calculated lol). Basically, the way I normally eat at home is that I would have 2-3 meals that are 600-900 calories and a small snack if I feel like it. But here, unless I eat 3 meals and a couple of snacks, I will end up with a headache. My guess is that because of the lower calories, I'm probably unintentionally underfueling my body. Also, I'm concerned about all of these headaches being a symptom of a larger issue with my health. What does this mean for my overall blood sugar? How do I deal with this going forward? What's happening to me lol? Bonus question: I used to eat really restrictively (like 600-1400 calories a day) and back in the day I wouldn't get hunger headaches (then again I wouldn't get hunger cues at all) but now if I do as much as oversleep and skip breakfast, I feel fatigued all day and here I also get dizziness accompanied by a hunger headache. Why is this so?

Update: I have gotten a few days of rest. Thursday was spent with me sleeping for most of the day with the exception of me going to my classes and eating dinner. I went out a couple of times to grab food on Friday and layed in bed all day. And today on Saturday, I woke up pretty late because I slept like 10 hours, ran some errands, got food, and managed to get some school work done. I still did feel a bit lightheaded between meals but I made sure to not overextend myself and I had some snacks on hand so I leaned on that. I feel like I'm going to sleep regular hours tonight and be back to my normal self tomorrow granted I'm eating enough. On and off for 2 weeks now, mainly in between meals or at the end of the day. Yeah I agree. There are a lot of factors involved. I'm finding that addressing them one at a time has been helpful. The headaches aren't super intense but they are annoying to where I have trouble focussing. The thing that really brings me down is the tiredness and the lightheaded/dizziness. I'm planning on going to the doctor if I still feel lightheaded in the next couple of days. I know that most of the time when you get hunger headaches it's because of low blood sugar. I highly doubt that's the case tbh.

Yes I'm currently in England. The heat itself isn't that bad. Back in Texas I'm used to summers being around 35-40 degrees Celcius but the AC and the fact that our infrastructure is built for homes keeping their cool makes the heat more bareable. I find it to feel much better outside than inside. I know that just in general I can be prone to eating less than what I need because of how I use whole foods as opposed to processed stuff. I try to count calories every now and then just to make sure I get enough in and I noticed that it's very easy for me to undereat around here. I know in the U.K. even if I'm eating whole foods the way that I do in the U.S, I'm sure something about GMO's/ organic food regulations are probably factoring into the caloric density. I'm not sure exactly what I would be withdrawing from since god knows what they allow in the food in the U.S. but like you said, I'm not ruling it out. I also did notice that a lot of food here doesn't have as much salt or seasoning and since I don't use much salt in my everyday cooking at home, my sodium levels are usually on the lower end of normal. I wouldn't be surprised if it would dip down more to where it would affect me physically. I'm not feeling super fatigued by all of the walking but I will say that I'm not super used to it as Dallas is much less pedestrian friendly. The thing that messes with me though is that I have to walk up and down like 4 flights of stairs to get to the room I'm staying in and I find myself doing that multiple times a day. I guess while I knew I was expending more energy, I didn't think of it as much since I do work out pretty regularly at home and still maintain a relatively active lifestyle since I am a college student who is living on campus and therefore ends up walking everywhere like 75% of the time. I suppose it's the combination of the walking and the lower calories because I guess part of it feels like an exaggerated more drawn out response to how my body normally reacts to an intense workout session when I haven't been eating enough for a few days. I did get a mild sinus infection prior to coming to the UK. I had it for a couple days before my flight here and then a couple days after (so like from 6/26-6/31). I just had a runny/stuffed up nose at times, fatigue, and just the annoying feeling of sinus pressure in my gums. It wasn't bad to where I felt sick but it was enough to where it was just annoying. I also tested negative for COVID. I had a check up a couple weeks before I left the country. While I don't know my HbA1C, I do remember the doctor mentioning that my blood sugar levels came out fine (as they usually do). I know my doctor tries to keep tabs on my blood sugar levels becaues of my PCOS even though I never had elevated or really low blood sugar levels before. They just do it since insulin resistance is commone with PCOS even though I'm pretty sure I don't have that particular variant of PCOS. Now that I'm writing it out, could PCOS also be a factor in my fatigue? I'm pretty sure that I have the adrenal kind since I know that I don't have insulin resistance, I never had anything come up for inflamation, and I know that birth control isn't the thing that gave me this condition (and if anything that's helping me regulate my PCOS). These all sound like good advice. I appreciate it. I don't drink coffee that often but I remember hearing the other students around me complaining about the coffee strength here earlier today lol. I figured something out for the heat in my room and that definitely helped. But I'll take the tea into consideration as well.

@Michael569 I’m in the UK rn. I do have a strong suspicion that it’s caloric deprivation and / or hypoglycemia. Idk if this is relevant but during the time when I’m not dizzy, I’m really exhausted to where I could have a full nights worth of sleep and a nap and still not feel restored. I highly doubt it’s dehydration or the heat but they were contributing factors. Last week I was in a room that was getting overheated with no fan or ac and it was 80 degrees outside. While that temperature isn’t bad, the building im staying in is old and is built for the cold, meaning it was much hotter in the building. On that same day I was also getting really dehydrated. I ended up feeling sick for two days and then afterwards I found a way to deal with the heat in my room and made sure to eat multiple times in a day and drink plenty of water. I found that this did help to a certain extent but I still feel exhausted and on occasion dizzy/with a headache. I will admit that I haven’t been getting much sleep lately either due to my workload and busy schedule. it’s just really weird for me because I didn’t experience this to this extent in the US. Sure there were times where I went too long without food or cut down on calories too much but it hasn’t been prolonged for more than a couple days much less a whole week.

Please.. I don't mean to be disrespectful or to beg for attention but I cannot find answers for this thing and I have been feeling like I'm about to faint numerous times since I posted this. It hasn't been helping that I barely got time to sleep or to catch up on work for this study abroad program. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I feel awful, and I'm not getting any solid answers from the people around me irl.

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This is something that I have been contemplating for a hot minute and I just wanted to put my thoughts out there to see if it resonates with anyone and to open up conversations around it. I'm not really looking for solutions (though that doesn't hurt) rather I'm looking to relate to others and have a better understanding of my own situation and how it might also manifest in other people or other ways. Basically, I feel like I've been in survival mode for a very long time both in terms of my personal life but also how I see myself in a larger picture. I think as a result, it's sometimes difficult to picture what I might want in life or feel like I can go after it because I'm preoccupied with my needs. On top of that, I feel like I'm often in the position to make the most out of the bare minimum and to avoid my emotions if something is dissatisfying. This might not be straight up emotional supression but it's usually along the lines of forcing myself to look at the brightside of the situation, downplay how bad I really feel because other people have it worse, or focussing on other areas of my life to avoid dissatisfaction. I also feel like I'm used to sacrificing my wants in favor of my needs. And while that isn't always a bad thing, it's important to prioritize things in a way that you're baseline is fulfilled, but always writing your desires off as frivolous to focus on the necessities can be detrimental to your over all happiness and fulfillment in the long run. Even as I'm writing this out, I feel priviledged and entitled for asking for something more than the necessities. There is a part of me that is used to renouncing my wants both spiritually and otherwise to the point where it isn't really healthy and has left me feeling like a blob of a person. I feel that I renounce my wants because there is a part of me that feels like I'll never get it and that it will be easier to come to terms with that and deconstructing it rather than doing something about it. There is a sense of hopelessness in the air and I think a lot of it does have to do with a lot of things that are going on politically and economically around me. It feels like there is no sign of things getting better and it feels like I don't have many options to act because of the way institutionally, my autonomy is limited. I just find myself settling in a lot of areas in my life. Not to the point where I'm getting taken advantage of but to the point where I don't think I'll be happy or fulfilled. I'm going to list out some examples to articulate what I mean: 1. Finding a job that won't exploit me: I don't have a problem with advocating for my needs in that I am good at setting boundaries with people, advocating for myself to get a living wage, and setting realistic expectations so that I can avoid fields and jobs that are prone to overwork. But at the same time, I feel like I'm asking for too much when I say I want meaningful work engaging with people that I like. Like, it should be satisfying enough to be working normal hours with enough pay to support yourself and put things away for savings. That's more than what most people end up with given the systemic issues that are present. A job is just a job in the end of the day and it's important to find things outside of work that gives you fulfillment because regardless of whether or not your job is your passion, capitalism will still exploit you. I've also been seeing a lot on how it's more important to find something that is bareable and pays well rather than something you're passionate about but isn't financially sustainable. Which is fair because I'm not trying to be homeless. 2. Making more money: While I do have enough self esteem to advocate for a living wage, I don't have enough self esteem to advocate for myself to get paid what I'm worth because quite frankly, I don't see myself as being worth much. I have a pretty bad case of imposter syndrome and I don't really see myself amounting to much in my life or contributing something that is super valuable. I also just have this core belief that I'm mediocre in everyway and that there isn't much that is desireable about me professionally, platonically, romantically, or sexually. While I don't think that I deserve to suffer, there are often times that I feel like it would be best if I didn't exist. 3. Settling in the suburbs and buying a house: Financially speaking, it makes more sense to save up for a house than to rent an apartment for the rest of your life. Personally I love the idea of living in a apartment in the city beause I want to be in walkable community and a place with decent public transport. But living in the city is expensive and rent can hike up over time and it's not like you would be able to own anything in the end of the day (or as the boomers like to say, renting is basically throwing your money away so you need to buy as soon as possible so that you have an asset that appreciates in value over time). Sure I don't *need* to live in a city that is near my work and that is walkable and all I need is some form of shelter that is safe and doesn't have bugs. But I have been called unrealistic for having this desire in the first place because it's expensive and unreasonable in the long run. 4. Dating people I'm not attracted to: I'm very vigilant about red flags and unhealthy dynamics and I'm good at avoiding situations that can easily turn abusive. I'm good at again, identifying and advocating for my needs, communicating, and having difficult conversations. I'm good at seeing if I have emotional chemistry with people and if our values are compatible. But I'm not good at going after what I want because I feel like a lot of men don't even meet the bare minimum. So finding a guy who meets my standards feels like a feat because of all of the ways I filter for anything problematic. Finding someone who meets my standards AND my wants AND actually likes me back feels impossible since I'm pretty average in terms of personality, looks, etc. I feel like I'm asking for too much to want a guy that I'm attracted to since I myself am not particularly attractive. 5. Dealing with the current state of the world particulary the U.S: I feel like I've been living in a carnaval since the moment that I gained political consciouness when I was 15. I am exhausted with all of it from Trump's presidency, to COVID, to my abortion rights being taken from me. Not to mention that basic things like health care, student loan forgiveness, getting a higher minimum wage, and gun laws have been debated since I was a child with little to no meaningful change that would positively impact other people's lives. Sometimes it feels like the world keeps getting much harder to the point where I don't see the point in trying to go for anything that I want because I'm so focussed on keeping my head above water in this capitalistic hellscape. Like, unless I'm making a shit ton of money, I'm not going to own my own place, travel around the way I want to, have a family, etc. I have every healthy coping mechanism and I utilize them but I often find myself thinking that I'm not depressed rather that the world is just depressing. I'm not the problem in this equation because I know that I'm doing everything in my power to feel better but I still feel like trash. I don't think I can pull myself up from my bootstraps when it comes to my mental health as it is a rational response to the systemic issues that we are facing. I have been exhausted with fighting, discussing, and keeping myself informed for a very long time now. I can't see things getting better but I can see myself getting more and more numb and unreactive over time to how bad things are. While I do know that I better world is possible and I support policies that will get us there, I can't imagine anything being implemented. I don't have much of a fight left in me. But yeah, those are a handful of things but I'm sure there is more. I'm just going to stop here since I feel like this post is long enough.

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