soos_mite_ah

this is currently on my watch later list as I am currently dealing with exams. I would love to contribute my thoughts once I get the time to do so

He's really likes working with his hands and fixing things in his car or around his house during his free time. I . thought about getting a tool set of sorts but I don't know much about it, I'm not super familiar with what specific kind he is looking for, and good quality sets are out of my budget. The main idea I'm planning on going with is getting scarf and embroidering it with his initials myself. I know he gets cold easily and I thought the embroidary would be something that added a personal touch and would show some more effort on my part. He's also planning on going to Chicago to visit family for Christmas and he's been talking about how he already feels like he's freezing in Texas . I also like the puzzle idea that Leo suggested. While it isn't something we really talked about, I know there is a general trend for people who like to work with their hands also liking puzzles. I feel like this is something that he would like. As for the weird sexual comments on this thread, I guess if all else fails I could get him a pair of boxers with my face on it lmaooooo

Things I Want To Write About Leo's Video on When the Left Goes too Far Reflections on My Career and Job Search Reflections on My Study Abroad Experience What I Have Been Learning from My Friends Who Already Graduated Reflections on My Human Rights Class Reflecting on my Volunteer Experiences Thoughts on Settling and Stability New Years Resolutions Reflecting on My Issues with Food and Body Image Redifining Frienships as an Adult

Things to Write About in the Future Euphoria and How it Depicts Sexuality My Amsterdam Sex Show Experience How Body Image Impacts My Sexuality Reflections on Past Posts Overturning Roe v. Wade Future Romantic and/or Sexual Experiences I Want to Have My Sexuality: In Theory vs. In Practice

Figuring Out My Sexuality I have talked about this in my journal about a year ago But basically, after getting on birth control, I've been questioning my sexuality because it's been messing with my head. I identified as asexual for 7 years, from the age of 14 to 21 and after getting on birth control, I was uncertain as to whether I still identified as asexual, or if I was demisexual, straight, or bisexual. I think since I've started this journal I have figured some things out. So I know that I'm not asexual because I am attracted to my boyfried but I could make the arguement that I am still demisexual because it wasn't until after we've been dating for a few months that I started becoming attracted to him because of the emotional bond we have made together. I might also be straight and this was just a situation where I chose to date someone who wasn't my type so instead of feeling attraction initially, it took some time to build. But also, even though I do have a type, I don't know to what extent that is simply an aesthetic preference or something I'm attracted to from the get go. I know that I'm not bisexual because I am pretty sure I don't like women. I think I'm just aesthetically into women because I stg all of them are so beautiful and have so much personality and are basically like these personified pinterest boards if that makes sense. But, the way that I know that I'm not into women sexually rather this is just an aesthetic appreciation is my experience in a sex show in Amsterdam. Basically, I went to Amsterdam this summer and I wanted to check out the night life. I kind of found myself walking around aimlessly since I don't care for alcohol or weed and then I panicked and went into a club in the red light district. Turns out I walked into a sex club. This probably deserves a post of its own but basically I found out that I'm not attracted to women because when I saw a naked woman getting fucked and doing a whole strip routine, I didn't think *wow, that's hot, I'm turned on.* Instead I thought *wow, that's impressive, can she teach me?* lmaooo I think wanting a threesome mainly has to do with the porn I was exposed to and how most straight porn is boring and doesn't depict things that typically turn women on. It isn't uncommon for straight women to gravitate towards lesbian porn because thats usually the type of porn that depicts a woman being kissed, caressed, and receiving oral, you know, things that actually get a woman wet and climax while straight porn usually consists of .2 seconds of kissing followed by a woman just getting jack hammered on screen. I wrote about this in my previous post on figuring out my sexuality: In conclusion, I feel like now it's between the posibility of me being straight or demisexual. I'm leaning more towards being demisexual because of my current relationship

7 Months into My First Relationship I haven't posted in this journal in a long time so I thought I'd give some updates. I'm still with the guy that I wrote about in my previous posts and we're almost 7 months into this relationship. I would say overall things are going really well and this is a healthy and happy relationship for the both of us. I am learning a lot about how I naturally behave in a relationship and I'm learning more about my preferences as well. Also, I'm so happy that I waited for someone like U to get into a relationship. The wait was really annoying as someone who was perpetually single for 22 years but it was worth it. And I hope that this reflection will help me identify things that I could work on and things to keep in mind going forward in my future relationships. 1. I think I just now entered the honeymoon stage 6 months into our relationship. I know the honeymoon stage is often associated with the beginning of the relationship and is thought to end at around the 6-month mark but I think for me, the honeymoon stage started later because the first 6 months was me just getting to know the person. Now that I know him and am comfortable around him, I think now I’m more inclined to be kind of mushy and a little clingy with him. I knew that I was a cuddly person, but I never thought of myself as someone who is affectionate in this way. 2. I think I also opened myself up to affection during the duration of this relationship. I remember before I would compare myself to a feral cat romantically in the sense that I’m independent, functioning, and able to take care of myself but I tend to be distrustful and afraid around people, not because of any bad experience but because of a lack of experience and exposure. I feel that this relationship developed in a reasonable pace, slow at times but reasonable nonetheless, and as a result we have a pretty good foundation for our relationship platonically outside of the romantic and sexual aspects. And I feel that this foundation is the reason why romantic gestures don’t feel cringy to me anymore. I never thought of myself as the type of person who would sent good morning or good night texts but here I am. I think my comfort level with affection and various romantic gestures comes down to how much we developed the relationship. Because I would not be able to text someone this way or go on fancy dates with someone I was just starting to get to know. I used to think that this made me cold and standoffish when it came to romance but now that I have more information on myself and how I react to romantic situations, I feel like this is more realistic that icy. I think that now that U and I have a more developed relationship, I feel more comfortable with doing more grand gestures and “being spoiled.” 3. It’s also been interesting to see how I react to being in a relationship. I am seeing how well I can handle a variety of situations and how I am a very healthy and self-aware partner with a lot to offer. It really makes me think about how having, maintaining, deepening, relationships along with handling various challenges and conflicts that arise are skills more than anything. I wouldn’t say that if you have never been in a relationship or had various romantic encounters that this makes you less skilled but I would say that in the end of the day, human relationship are human relationships, and odds are if you are good with dealing with people interpersonally, whether it be with your friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. you probably already have some of the key skills necessary to be good at a romantic relationship. This can include: being an effective communicator by being able to identify and articulate your emotions and boundaries even when conversations might be uncomfortable or heavy having the kindness and empathy to appropriately give people the benefit of the doubt without it being a threat to your ego and by recognizing and encouraging other priorities people in you life have being an effective and active listener who seeks connect with people and provide comfort and/or solutions from a healthy place by identifying what’s important to the other person by being a pleasant and fun person to be around who has a good character and a personality / interests having the self-awareness to admit when you’re wrong and take responsibility accordingly in a way that is empathic to the other person, and that the thing in question doesn’t happen again because you have worked through the emotions and issues causing the behavior in the first place Of course this isn’t everything but these are the most important things I can come up with off the top of my head. But I think I’m less inclined to think of love and relationships through the lens of having soul mates or having the one. I feel that this skills-based approach along with a general sense of compatibility demystified love. But I don’t think it makes love any less magical because it’s still exciting to watch all these factors at play even if they are more tangible rather than ethereal. 4. I am also experiencing what it is like to be desired in a healthy and safe context. As a woman of color who is also rather curvy, I’ve had my fair share of weird, racist, and fetishizing comments and experiences. And growing up I often felt like I had to be on guard with my body and that it was seen as ugly and sexualized at the same time. I felt vulgar and undesirable because of the disrespect that I encountered. But I don’t feel any fear when it comes to U. I know that he respects my boundaries and sees me like an actual person. I know that I can be around him and not have everything revolve around physical intimacy or my looks even though he enjoys showing me affection and telling me how beautiful I am. I feel very appreciated around him and I feel very calm every time we get physical. I am very rarely self-conscious around him because I know how much he accepts me. 5. I’m starting to learn about what I want out of a relationship now that I have my needs met. I feel like my relationship with U, as my first relationship, is a lot like the ideal first job you get out of college. That job might not be your dream job or something that you’re super passionate about but you like the job, it pays you well, it has good benefits, it has a healthy culture and work life balance, and it gives you the room to figure out what you really want since you aren’t in this anxiety mood all the time. Similarly, U might not be my dream partner but I like spending time with him, he is a healthy person to be around, we go on fun dates, and I really like this dynamic because of how constructive it is. I think we are very compatible at the moment because of where we are at our lives and how experience level romantically. We’re mainly focused on enjoying ourselves and learning about each other in a romantic and sexual setting but I don’t really see us being on the same page when it comes to settling down or even what that means to each of us, much less know whether we are a good match for each other. I also see this relationship as a really good foundation and base line to explore my wants now that I have established my standards and have had them manifest. I think when you’re in the dating game for a while and you have encountered all types of creatures who have been socialized by a pigeon, it’s easy to want to settle for someone who is healthy and fits your standards but not necessarily fits your preferences because your priority as some one who is emotionally thirsty and touch starved is to get with someone who isn’t a psychopath. And U’s main appeal is that he is a green flag. That’s great and all but I deserve more than *please don’t hurt me.* I think going forward it’s going to be more important for me to find someone who is more intellectually compatible with me, more emotionally open about sharing their life, and more suited towards my physical type. I think a big reason why we are compatible is because we are each other’s firsts and we have a similar communication styles and values. The best place I can see this is sexually. We are moving at similar paces because this is both of our first times. We are patient, understanding, and attentive to consent. We feel very safe with one another. But as we explore our sexuality, we notice that there are tastes we both have that are not as compatible with each other. And that is ok and healthy because it means that while we are growing together sexually, we can still differentiate and notice where we are growing individually as far as sex goes. The same goes for our broader relationship where we both move in similar paces since it is our first relationship and we have similar values and priorities as a result but while we are growing together, we are also growing on our own too. And it’s ok if we grow and diverge as a result later on when our needs and desires change and we have a better idea of what exactly we are compatible with. 6. I’m also learning about what role physical intimacy and attraction has in my relationship. I think I am the type of person who needs a certain degree of physical intimacy because for me it is one of many outlets for me to connect to them. I think after this relationship I want to explore my sexuality more and get somethings out of my system, but I want to make sure I’m in a safe location to do that given the current abortion laws. As for attraction, I think for me it takes time for me to feel that attraction as I develop an emotional connection. I feel like I lean more towards being demisexual. Sex isn’t the most important thing for me (I know there are people who REALLY need to be with someone they are sexually compatible with and I don’t see myself in that boat entirely), but I do need a certain frequency of intimacy (at around once a week or once every other week). I do have certain aesthetic preferences and I think it’s important for some of that to be fulfilled even if it isn’t the most important thing in the world. I think if anything that it’s good that I am dating someone who isn’t physically my type, but I still find cute anyways because it relieves some of the pressure/nervousness people feel when they’re around people they find attractive and as a result we were able to build a stronger foundation with something more substantiated than looks. I think it also taught me to build chemistry even if the situation did not start with butterflies or fiery passion. But I think the downside of this is sometimes feeling like I’m leading him on or not feeling 100% authentic, not having the confidence to go after who I’m actually attracted to, and settling for whoever likes me over who I like. That is something that I need to work through independently during and after this relationship and it has nothing to do with U. 7. I’m learning about how I feel about gender roles and what I feel comfortable with and what feels natural for me in a healthy reciprocal relationship. I think with dating advice, especially when it comes to advice geared towards straight people, it’s very easy to fall into a lot of gender essentialism (i.e. the man always has to pursue and pay and the woman has to be more passive) over checking in to see how you authentically feel. I’m okay with paying sometimes so long as I know what a man’s intentions are and that he is not otherwise stingy with his love. I’m okay with being the pursuer and making the first move at times because to a certain extent that feels natural to me. In other words, as I’m learning more about what I’m like in a relationship, I am learning what resonates with me when it comes to masculinity and femininity instead of confining myself into one type of performance because of my gender and expect the other person to do the same thing without acknowledging that they are a complete and complex person just like me. 8. I am trying to figure out what authenticity means to me regarding balancing principle with emotions. I feel like I have a very left brained approach to love which also translates to how I found it surprising that I could be a mushy person given that I have dated someone for months. I think this approach has helped me a lot on not acting on impulse, making decisions that are good for my emotional well being in the long term, and having a guide so that I am thinking clearly. As a result, I feel like I have the skills part of the relationship down. But I don’t really have the passion or impulse part down and I think part of it is because of physical attraction and still figuring out my tastes sexually. I find myself feel like I love U but that I’m not in love with U. Like I can act this out on principle and act accordingly in a way that takes him into consideration. But emotionally, I’m not there yet, or at least I don’t feel like I am. Maybe it will take some time since I am demisexual or maybe this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like contradictory to the euphoric all-consuming love that often makes for an exciting rom com or a juicy Sex And The City episode.

To Do List: After Graduation Focus on applying to jobs/ interviewing Continue working out + follow up with dietician appointments Continue volunteering Get a part time job Continue maintaining friendships Figure out budgeting, investments, financial goals (do most of this once I get my job but educate myself in the meantime) Some things off the top of my head include day to day budgetting 401k / Retirement savings investing (index funds, portfolios etc.) emergency funds how to allocate my savings (future down payment on house, paying my parents back for college, college funds for a family one day maybe, travel savings, savings for a car etc.) Keep my distance from my family + figure out where to go with the relationship

Luxury Tiktok Compilations So I've been finding more luxury tiktoks in my for you page and I guess I liked a few videos, the algorithm did its thing, and then I liked a few more. A couple days ago I found myself looking at websites with luxury handbags, jewlery, and coats despite not really having the desire to have any of those things from a practical point of view. I don't like having handbags, wearing jewlery annoys me, and I use a coat once or twice a year because I live in Texas. And I'm also desensitized to luxury items since going to college because I see it all the time and I don't get the hype at all. In other words, this isn't about wanting a luxurious life style, there is something underlying it. Because I don't really care about expensive things and because they don't really make sense to me , I don't even know what I would get myself tbh. So basically, I find myself browsing aimlessly at different luxury websites hoping something will catch my eye, but then nothing ever does, so I just find myself sitting there reevaluating my life like I am now in this post. Stage Orange itch because college didn't go the way I hoped + wanting to feel accomplished I talked more about this in my previous post. But basically, I didn't achieve everything I wanted in college and I guess that stage orange itch is manifesting in me fantisizing about having nice things even though I'm well aware that it is a fantasy. The fantasy of having all of my hard work being paid off in a blatant and luxurious way I can flex I feel like the aesthetic of living a luxurious lifestyle can sometimes serve as a tangible manifestation of hardwork if one buys into the illusion of meritocracy in this country. And as someone who is currently feeling like all of her hard work hasn't paid off just yet, I guess there is that part of me that feels like over compensating. Wanting to feel like I have my shit together With the luxury aesthetic comes with this notion that everything is financially taken care of and that you have the disposible income to do whatever you want. In other words, at least materially, you look like you have your shit together. I feel like for me, I have many areas of my life handled but the one area I haven't fulfilled is my career aspirations and how I'm still financially reliant on my parents. Wanting to tap into what I want in life without having a scarcity mindset + desire to treat myself This is similar to the previous point but I have been realizing how I don't really have a good idea about what I want out of my life because I've been so focused on my needs. I think I need to reach a point of stability in order to think clearly about what it is I want without falling into a scarcity mindset. And part of that stability is having my shit together financially and having the freedom that money can afford me. I also feel that as a frugal person, that I don't normally treat myself because I'm more focused on my needs than my wants. However, because I'm slowly becoming more in tuned with my wants and letting myself have those wants, I'm finding myself having this itch to buy something expensive. Not only do I want these things as a symbol of my hard work paying off, but I want these things to symvolize a sense of effortlessness, ease, and softness at the same time.

Thoughts on Graduating College So... I'm just dealing with some complex emotions around graduating college and going through another life transition. I thought I'd make a post laying everything out there. Negatives first so I can end on a positive note: I don't know what's worse, feeling like you didn't live up to your potential or that you never had that much of it in the first place I feel like in high school I didn't try much becaue of mental health stuff so I got into a mediocre university instead of going to the places I actually wanted to go to because I got rejected over really small stuff. In college, however, I did try but a variety of things happened including but not limitted to a pandemic, loss of multiple family members, health issues etc. Not only did I not do well at this mediocre university, I feel like I underperformed on my own expectations. And well... I don't have any more time to prove myself wrong. That glow up isn't coming, the redemption arc isn't coming, this is all there is. And its not very impressive to say the least. Because I didn't fulfill my achievement desires, I am finding some old stage orange stuff come up for me but that's a different post. I'm anxious about moving in with my parents for an indefinite amount of time and it's reminding me of my experience with the pandemic I can feel myself psychologically bracing myself for the few months to come. I don't know how long this will be and that's the thing that's freaking me out. I remember how that ended last time and I am scared of my mental health getting that bad again. I worked hard to be where I'm at. I don't want that to be ripped away from me again. Positives: I feel ready to move on from this environment This is kind of going off of the first point about not achieving much but basically I feel like if I were to stick around in this environment, I'm more likely to compare myself to other more high achieving students because I am existing in a bubble with them. This contrasts with the relationships I have with people who already graduated or didn't go to college at all where I feel less inclined to compare because we're all in such different paths and timings. I also feel that the reason why I'm self conscious about my lack of achievement is because of it makes me feel like I won't be able to support myself rather than a need to be better than other people for the sake of it. I think once I get a job that pays my bills I should be ok. I'm also noticing how this environment has been affecting me negatively as things have accumulated over the years. I feel like I picked up on internalized racism during my time here and that has resulted in a lot of body image issues, imposter syndrome, and just generally feeling like I'm not good enough and that I'm a 1000 steps behind the average rich white person here. I feel like no matter how hard I try I won't ever be as skinny or as beautiful as the average sorority girl on this campus. Not to mention I feel dumb like 90% of the time and that I don't fit in with this crowd no matter how hard I try because I was never raised in that kind of enviornment and I don't know what the norms always are. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I'll look back at my years here once I get a little bit of distance and thing *damn, I let these mediocre people convince me that I was dumb, ugly, and socially inept for 4+ years* Socially, I feel like I've tied up a lot of loose ends whether its because of my study abroad trip or my volunteer work I have been doing this semester or the friends I have made in the past year or so. Professionally, I feel like I did as much as I could with an internship and studying abroad. Again, my desires for achievement aren't completely satisfied but I don't feel as insecure of my resume because it isn't as much of a skinny legend anymore. I feel like I'm in a more solid place over all and I think I'm ready to move on to something different. Also, everyone looks a little too squishy faced and childlike to me and I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome here lol. The job search doesn't intimidate me all that much I feel like I'm applying into the void and for some reason that is helping me not internalize the results of this whole process. I guess it might have to do with how if you think of it as applying into the void, you're not thinking about how you might be perceived by a hiring manager thus getting rid of the self consciousness. I think because I'm ready to move on from college, I've kind of adopted an *it is what it is* attitude towards the job application process. I do still find a sense of accomplishment with finishing my degree even if I didn't meet my standards I think I did an amazing job at selecting a degree that makes me feel fulfilled and that has made me feel significantly more educated in the end. I don't know what's left to come with how I will use this degree but I will say that the courses I've taken greatly impacted my personal development and the way I see the world. I genuinely feel that my education has made me a more conscious person with better critical thinking skills when it comes to practical, theoretical, and emotional matters.

It's that time of the year again CHOMP CHOMP

I mean... This place can be a pretty gnarly place for women. I found many times where I have needed to distance myself from this forum and now I'm not here much anymore.

A lot of it has to do with the constant chaos that American Gen Z has had to deal with from 9/11, the War on Terror, the 2008 Recession, active school shooter drills, economic issues ranging from not being able to afford a house and how overpriced college is, the total joke that was the 2016 and 2020 elections, and now the pandemic and overturning of abortion laws. Much of these happened to Gen Z when they were teenagers or young adults, so it was their formative years. As a result of this constant chaos, you get a chaotic sense of humor that is often used to make sense of these events and cope by acknowledging the absurdity of it all. The absurdity itself becomes a type of humor. This kind of humor rooted in absurdity and chaos is a reflection of the times and it isn't something that is new or exclusive to Gen Z. In fact, it even has it's own term, dadaism. This type of humor also came about with the generation of young people who had to live/fight through World War II since many of them were small children during World War I, the Spanish Flu, and the Great Depression. Here is a video on dadaism and how it explains Gen Z humor:

I can't believe that I'm at a point where my lists are so short because I have most of my life taken care of as of now. I still remember about a year and a half ago when my life was an absolute mess and I had like 30 items on a list. It feels so good to come this far and see this much progress in this journal. Even though the two issues above are pretty big (not seeeing blogging as an issue rather it is something to keep in mind), I still feel like I'm in a very solid place emotionally. I would do another to-do list but I don't think I can have another until after I start my next phase of my life once I get a job and move out of my parents' house.

So I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm not super into philosophy or spirituality. I consciously took a step back from spirituality after I noticed it was taking me into an unhealthy place and decided that I needed to work on some more foundational things first. I used to be into philosophy when I was in my mid teens or so but I feel like since then I put my energy towards reflection, self awareness, and things like therapy to work on myself and have a more accurate world view rather than studying different schools of thought or philosophers for example. I feel like I have a pretty rich life and that I have found other things that interest me, that keep me curious about the world, and that challenge my ability to think criticially outside of the conventional notions of philosophy. I can see myself dipping back into more existential questions and thoughts later in a couple years or so but I was wondering what y'all thought about it: Did you go through a phase in your self development/actualization journey where you didn't care about philosophy or spirituality but still saw the value in it? Is philosophy and spirituality essential in a meaningful life if you have outlets in different places? If so, what are your outlets and how do they create meaning for you or grow you? How do you personally go about approaching philosophy and spirituality and how do you think it impacts your world view?

I wouldn't really say a subconscious fear rather it's just not my thing at the moment at least. I think my interest in philosophy waned after I took a philosophy class in high school and didn't really enjoy it. I personally found it both dense in content while also detached because of the amount of theorizing. I feel that for me personally, it is important to have some philosophy under a person's belt because it helps with reasoning skills and self questioning, but nothing beats personal experience and learning to be and move through the world in a self aware and emotinally intelligent way. In other words, it isn't experience just to experience rather it is experiencing different things in life and being mindful of what you're going through so that you get the most out of it intellectually and emotionally. I feel like my interest in spirituality is dormant since I've been taking a break from it for a year and a half. I do dip my toes back into it every now and then and I feel like I am in a much better place now to integrade spiritual lessons and concepts in a healthy way. However, while I am in a better place right now, I don't find myself being pulled towards it at the moment but I can see that changing as I create a more solid life for myself and things chill out for me a bit in my life. I'm currently dealing with a heavy course load in college, I'm going to be graduating in this December, I need to figure out the next stage of my life regarding working and finances, and I am dealing with some things regarding family right now (I'm planning on distancing myself from them but I need to be financially on my feet first plus this does come with emotional baggage as well). I am also involved in my different passions as well as prioritizing my friends and significant other in my life. And in the meantime, I try to carve out time for myself to take care of my physical and mental health so that I'm not constantly running around and burning myself out. I do this by working out, going to therapy, meditating, meditating, among other forms of self care so that I can better tackle other areas of my life.

Yeah.. I'm currently finding a lot of value from developing close quality relationships with friends, studying things that interest me, and figuring out my career and how to deal with life on my own after I graduate (i.e. finances, work life balance, finding a fulfilling career that suits my desired life style). Also, the misanthropy is something that I don't really get on this forum and how people like to paint social interaction as all superficial and just monkey chatter. I feel like that has more to do with a person's absense of quality relationships and knowing how to form healthy bonds more than it has to do with painting humanity with a broad stroke of superficiality. Yes, a lot of people aren't super developed, but especially if you consider yourself to be stage green+, I think it really shows how deep you are into those stages based on your ability to relate to people, deal with them, and see the humanity in them so that they can grow and live fulfilling lives rather than sitting on a high stage if that makes sense. As I am typing this out and reflecting on this topic after I made this post, I really do find myself more like a social scientist rather than a philosopher or sage if that makes sense. Maybe this has to do with my personal path to self actualization more than anything but I thought that I'd just put this out there.

Depends on what it is, what they learned from the experience, how they can ensure this won't happen again, if they can reflect on their past motivations and learned from them, and how they healed from the situation. I would be looking for accountibility and growth to ensure the past is just in the past. Now if it's something super serious, like for example they physically or sexually assaulted someone, I'm out.

Ego Development Check Pt. 2 I reread the paper on the 9 stages and rewatched Leo's videos about them. I'm not going to go through those with a fine tooth comb as I did with my posts in the past both for the sake of my lack of time and brevity in which I want to keep my post at. I find my center of gravity mainly being at the construct aware stage. I caught myself relating to a lot of it when it came to reading about in and watching Leo's video on it. I still find myself feeling the same way when it comes to the strategist stage but I find that the things I relate to on that stage are the things that are also found in the construct aware stage. I would put my center of gravity at like 70% construct aware and 30% strategist. These are rough numbers, because this isn't something you necessarily quantify. I just want to illustrate a point lol. I feel like I outgrew many parts of the strategist stage when it comes to the weaknesses of that stage such as wanting people to evolve faster, feeling lonely in my development, having and ego around one's development etc. as I worked through the issues I was having with stage yellow. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I find that as I get further into stage yellow or the strategist and construct aware stages that the more I am able to find solutions around the short comings of those stages and the more I can essentially ease into it and get more comfortable with that stage, therefore integrating it and embodying it more. I also decided to look into the unitive stage while I was figuring out where I was in the construct aware and strategist stages. I avoided doing this before because of the way that I had an unhealthy relationship with spirituality and how I was basically doing too much to quickly. I took a step back from spirituality like in 2021 and after looking at the unitive stage, I think I'm at a place where I can revisit these concepts in a healthy way now that I have a better foundation emotionally, spritually, and experiencially as it relates to my life experiences. I feel like I can understand the unitive stage better now with my stronger foundation but I will say that I get it more intellectually rather than emotionally. I'm definitely not at the stage of embodiment lol. It kind of reminds me of something I wrote in the past about the construct aware stage: I think for me going forward I'm at a place where I really don't want to rush through the stages. I never had that impulse but before, this desire to not rush came from a place of not wanting to get too ahead of myself and backslideing. Now, it's more of me wanting to slow down and enjoy myself and "burn through karma" as Leo talks about in his videos. I have detailed some of the karma I want to burn through in previous posts and the things I find meaningful and enjoyable in my life so I won't get into here. But as far as continuing to work on a foundation, I would say that I need to figure out my career both in terms of providing for myself as well as figuring out what the right path is for me and I guess ~~**what my purpose is **~~.

List of Fears, Insecurities, and Triggers Idk, I just felt like writing about this. Just wanted to take stock of somethings and write them down. Fears: Woman's Issues threat of violence hate crimes for any identity I have men at times (i.e encountering one when walking home in the middle of the night) rape in general but especially getting drugged and raped or being a victim of sex trafficking stalking and/or becoming famous (don't like having eyes on me like that) Family/ Socioeconomic Status Related my parents dying getting pregnant (especially in Texas) + being pregnant + giving birth being stuck in my home environment being poor and the physical and mental toll it can take being overworked at my job to where I feel my life eroding away from me physically and spirituallly job interviews to a certain extent (it's not a paralyzing fear but I do get nervous) gaining weight Minor inconveniences: bugs and snakes loud noises needles (getting vaccines or my blood drawn) most horror movies public speaking death especially a painful one (this goes without saying but i'm putting in the minor inconvenience category since this isn't the forefront of my mind) Insecurities: Body issues: my discoloration around my mouth and under my eyes my weight my stomach my arms and legs on how they are both muscular and not super lean my round face my little back rolls that only I notice how i compare to the other girls in my school as far as size goes Career: how I under performed in college and how that will impact my ability to get a good job that pays enough and has benefits my lack of experience my GPA Relationships: my decision to leave my family sometimes when it comes to being the main person to reach out being completely alone platonically: this isn't as much of a concern because I feel like I'm in a pretty solid place but I do wonder how would react to that situation now compared to where I was in 2020 ish. dating or approaching someone who I think is out of my league physically Triggers; Family Members (a whole can of worms) Small children who aren't super well behaved: this is less about me being #triggered and me not knowing how to handle them and how that triggers some anxieties I had when I was younger. my boyfriend being really thoughtful: this isn't a bad thing rather I'm not used to it so I end up crying happy tears or get really emotional being in the position where I have to sacrifice my physical and mental health for work Signs of weight gain (clothes fitting tighter, taking pictures, comments from certain people) other people's unwashed dishes + dirty kitchens going to the doctor

Ego Development Check October 2022: Closing thoughts: September 2021: I have done a good job at dealing with a lot of the remaining hang ups of the pluralist stage. Still need to look into epistemology more and tbh I am finding myself naturally going in that direction especially with a lot of my course work this semester. I also still need to figure out my career path and my life purpose which is well on the way. I think over all, being in the strategist/ construct aware stage is a good place to be given where I'm at in my life and given that I'm not planning on delving into psychedelics or deep existential questions soon sorting out a stable foundation for my life. I just have to do clean up work and check in with myself to deal with any hang ups that might arise every now and then from the lower stages. Going forward I need to: Sort out my career Deal with my unhealthy stage green coping mechanisms/ deal with my depression and existential crisis around these dystopian times Look into epistemology more Do the psychological clean up whenever my lizard brain acts up October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages. Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing

Spiral Check October 2022 I do these once every six months or so and it's about that time since the last time I did this was back in early April. And to me, I would characterize my "head empty, no thoughts* era as one where I stop ruminating about things and just let myself be in the present moment. It's also about me making the conscious decision to not stress or overthink and overanalyze things because at some point, it doesn't produce anymore insights rather it just becomes a marathon of mental gymnastics that leaves you exhausted mentally and emotionally. And at this point, I would say it's fairly easy for me to meditate for a lengthy amount of time and see it something that is purely restful rather than something that I need to work at. If anything, I need those *head empty, no thoughts* part of my day to function as a person lol. I don't think I have "transcended the mind." I wouldn't dare say that I have dealt with the issues that come with stage yellow sufficiently enough to be beyond that stage. Part of me wonders if I am actually dealing with this or if this is a response to me being mentally exhausted by the stuff going on in the world and just being a university student who is ready to graduate instead of being surrounded by information 24/7. I will say that being at stage green/yellow through my college years has caused me to take in a lot academically and find a lot of fulfillment in being a student. I feel like if I was at any other shade of the other stages or if I came to college prematurely that it just wouldn't hit in the same way. Another part of me wonders if this is me hitting some type of stage yellow wall that is coinciding well with me transitioning into life after college. I guess only time can tell and that I graduate and go into this next stage of my life to see if this is manifesting in a healthy way or if this is just me dissassociating from information overload. Because tbh, when I think of emptying my mind and how I sometimes feel when I do it, I feel like this clip from Spongebob and I highly doubt that's highly consicous stage turquoise lol. https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoExamples/MentalWorld#video-link October 2022: I think my "head empty, no thoughts" era has done me a lot of good in terms of not hyperanalyzing things and letting myself be more in the moment while engaging with mainstrem(ish) culture. I will say that this was a by product of the burnout I was experiencing the last time I was writing this. But that doesn't make that era any less valid or healing. However, I do think that I have largely moved passed this "head empty, no thoughts" era to where I can think without hyperanalyzing. And it has made my thinking process much more clear and precise. I also think I'm passed wanting to keep analyzing and I think I'm ready to move on from university and research life. I have crossed off the above as a result. However, I will say that I can take it one step further when it comes to embracing my spontaneity since I have a tendency to overthink things at times but that's another topic tbh. Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) September 2021: I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. April 2022: Again, since I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era, I can't really say I'm at a place where I am inventing futuristic solutions. I still feel like I have a lot to learn as far as things like work experience and life experience goes before I can reach the expertise to do something like that. I don't think this has to do with a lack of commitment to my purpose or issues with my ADHD now that I'm no longer in the same depressing/self loathing slump I was at a few months ago. October 2022: I honestly need more life experience before I get into this . That 's it.

Thought this will be helpful here:

How I see my life in a year or so: Think of this as a list of things I am ~~**manifesting**~~ Have a job that supports me and have some savings + additional financial literacy figure out investments + savings + budgetting Not chronically online Maintain and deepen current relationships both platonically and romantically Get clearer regarding what I want out of my career + figure out my next move Do I want to or need to go to grad school? If so for what? What industry do I want to work in ? What kind of job and lifestyle suits me and my current place in my life? Partake in my hobbies regularly + volunteering writing, tutoring, exploring my interests etc. Continue to exercise regularly have a gym membership and a few classes you go to Rest and recuperate physically and mentally by having good boundaries and having a fullfilling but not overly full life so I have time to myself deal with my adrenal fatigue regarding family and school invest in active and passive rest Go on another trip travel with friends, significant other, or solo Get clearer on what I want out of my life given the stability I have created for myself I have a good life now, but what does a great life look like? What does a healthy amount of challenge and purpose look like for me specifically? How do I finance these goals if life style changes are applicable (i.e. ideal place of living, moving to a new place, savings etc.)? Finding friends who push me to grow

I have so many thoughts about this and reflections regarding my own reflections but it's going to take me a minute to put it all down becaues of my current schedule. I can't wait to write about this here. EDIT: I'm going to jot some general thoughts down here so that I will know where to start when I start writing: Personally I identify as a general socialist in the way that I believe that we need to have things like universal health care, better access to higher education, and a basic standard of living for people. I'm not so well versed on the theory to where I find myself or my positions cleanly aligning with terms like anarcho-socialist, democratic socialist, communist etc. I think that we can either waste out time fighting about ideological nuances or we can start acting from a general set of principals and common interests and then later on get nitpicky after we established some sort of foundation. Let's focus on getting universal health care first and then we can get into the nuances later on rather than nitpicking and dismissing people who can be on our side. My general issues with the left even prior to watching this video: leftist in fighting getting so deep into theory to where we don't think about implementation or how this could alienate regular people the classism, racism, and ecofascism that still exists in leftist circles, particularly in circles that looks down on conservatives and sees them as less than human demonization of business and just in general thinking that everything is super straight forward when it isn't how shaming racists does much more harm than good how engaging in certain kinds of discourse and dealing with certain kinds of people involves specific training and that because of that, it's important to know how to choose your battles. knowing that a well educated opinion isn't the same as a professional one because of things like personal experience in the micro aspects of a movement. There are some other issues that this video talks about particularly on nationalism, ambition/wealth, borders, security/police, and international relations that I feel like a lot of leftists, mainly people who loosely define themselves as such and/or have some what of an educational background around political science is on the same page on. For instance, I know a lot of leftists who believe in the *no one should be poor* brand of socialism rather than the *no one should be rich* brand of socialism. The general socialists that I have encountered were people who are still in support of borders, the military, and protecting security but can still critique it. The ones whom I've encountered that are straight up like *abolish all police, borders, and the military* with no nuance or elaboration are the ones who cling on to very specific labels like anarcho-communitst for example. Then finally thier is my personal background as a self identified leftist in Texas and my friend group of other leftists in the state and how I find that we tend to deal with a variety of things related to how to handle conservatives better and how generally we don't have nearly as much infighting amongst each other. I also went to a pretty wealthy conservative university that forced me to know how to deal with a variety of situations without leaving me in an echo chamber.

In no particular order raspberries avocado tomatos onions lychees