soos_mite_ah

Coping Under Capitalism Part 2 : A Grain of Salt I was writing the previous post last night and it was getting late. I thought that I still had a lot that I wanted to say so I thought I'd cut it short and start writing again the next day. So here we are lol. I also looked back at some of my older posts regarding life purpose that I thought would be relavent in what I wanted to include here. While I do want to avoid being repetitive as I have written and elaborated on the subject quite a bit in the past, I thought I could jot down a few key points: Detachment from outcome can help you build the resilience and grit you need to deal with the monotony of mastery because you're doing something for the sake of it, not because it is solely a source of excitement. Think of dating someone only because you're attracted to and because you feel passion in the moment vs dating someone for a variety of reasons and having the relationship grow at a reasonable pace in a more solid foundation, even if it looks less exciting on the surface. Detachement from outcomeis important so that you can avoid taking things to seriously. This can help you remove the pressure of a ~~**grand life purpose**~~ and help you have a more balanced relationship to your career and life purpose. It can also make you have a more intrinsic relationship with your purpose so that you aren't too caught up with feeling like you're obligated to do anything. This can help you be more true to yourself and detach from the monetization piece. Your job and career is a piece of your life purpose but it isn't all of it. It isn't the wisest choice to put all of your eggs in one basket. You can find meaning and purpose in many areas of your life and reducing life purpose to just your career can be really limiting to the human experience. It can also put a lot of pressure in one area of your life to where you can miss the good things in other areas such as quality relationships, hobbies, etc. You're probably going to be forgotten in a couple of generations and you have a small moment to create a life for yourself of meaning. Do something that gives you long term satisfaction for your own sake that you can gain mastery in and that is meaningful to you. And that means that you don't have to monetize everything. Purpose and dream jobs can often go hand in hand in our society because of capitalism and becasue of how much of our lives we end up working anyways. But it can be incredibly healthy to have boundaries between your identity and what you find meaningful and your job/career. Sometimes a job is just a job and that is ok. I do remember to a certain extent being more angst filled and cynical about capitalism while writing about the posts above. But a lot of that also has to do with other things that was going on in my life at the time. While I don't feel as angsty now, I do still resonate with much of what I've wrote. I think that while I am trying to figure out what is meaningful for me careerwise that I can nurture the other areas of my life that also gives me a sense of purpose. And if my priorities shift around in the future, that is ok too. I also think that a lot of the angst that I was feeling was due to how a lot of this was more so in my head drawing conclusions based on different things I've heard in addition to some of the experiences I had as a student rather than someone in the workforce. I feel that now that I am in the work force, a lot of what I'm learning about myself is pretty on point compared to things I wrote a couple years ago. I would say that it's a more of a rediscovery rather than learning about myself. But becase I have more life experience and a better safety net now, I do feel more grounded in the conclusions I have made before since now I have more tangible evidence backing that up. And I'm still taking finding my life purpose in my career with a grain of salt. I want my life purpose to be evident in all areas of my life and while my career is a sizable piece of it, it isn't everything. I don't expect finding my life purpose in my career to be this big thing that changes everything but I do see it being something worthy to put my attention to in order to create a happy, fulfilling life for myself. That's also to say that I'm not willing to neglect other parts of my life for my career, life purpose or not.

Coping Under Capitalism Part 1 : A Desire for Meaning I'm currently 2 months into my first corporate job after college. I have excellent work life balance, a stable income that I'm for the most part saving because I live with my parents, a solid group of friends, an exercise and self care routine, along with hobbies and interests outside of work that let me engage with my community and continue educating myself. I have it pretty damn good. The only thing that could make this better at this moment is if I were to be living on my own away from my parents which is honestly 4 ish months away. I do feel pretty happy. This sort of life style and position is something I have been dreaming since I was 17 years old being stressed out by school and my home life to the point where I felt as if I couldn't take care of myself. This felt like a dream rather than a reality as soon as 4 months ago. I feel more relaxed than I have ever been. I feel more clear headed. I am physically and mentally taking care of myself. I feel like I'm like 85% out of this flight or fight mentality I have been stuck in since I was 10 years old due to the pressures of school and growing up. The stability that this job gives me feels like such a priceless thing for me because of the way that it's giving me peace of mind and helping me achieve my personal and financial goals. At the moment, I'm giving in to the slow and relaxed pace of my work. It's mainly slow and relaxed because I'm fairly new and learning so it's not like I'm having responsibilities piled on to me as of right now. And as a somewhat burnt out college student, I'm leaning into it. I think it's really healing to take it slow a little bit while you're in a stable and secure position, so that you can make slow and gentle progress. I feel like I'm really unwiring a lot of hustle culture rhetoric on how you have to work yourself to the bone and grind to get somewhere. I am learning how to be more relaxed with myself and standards I tend to hold myself to that has been a result of me being in this competitive environment since I was way to young ot understand the systems at hand, causing me to internalize a lot of things. But regardless of all the healthy habits I have, from working out, having a good skincare routine, going to therapy, talking to friends, being around my significant other, getting enough sleep, eating well, making decent money, journaling, meditating, volunteering to engage with my community, and picking a job that prioritizes people's personal lives over work and thus creating a healthy work place, there is a part of me that still feels like this is a massive cope against capitalism. And I feel like I'm coping in healthy ways, and in some ways, thriving. But there is still that sense of emptiness that manifests because I'm not in a field of work that I find fulfilling or interesting. I can recognize this while acknowledging that I have it pretty damn good and that I'm thankful and lucky to be in the position that I'm in. I keep thinking of the phrase, the enemy of great is good. I can see this in my life but I also feel that the foundation of great is also good. I think it's alright to stay in the good so long as you don't lose sight of the great, and use the stability of good to envision the great since all of your basic needs are already covered rather than using the stability of good as a point of stagnation, however tempting that might be. Career wise, I feel like this stable and good life is helping unwire some limitting beliefs I had around success and the scarcity mindset I was in as a college student tackling a competitive job market. It's also giving me the tools I need to suceed later on by exposing me to different experiences and paths I could take. It's letting me ease into adult life at a pace that feels reasonable for me that is being conducive to my growth. And as a result, it is causing me to desire having a more passionate career, be challenged, find that niche I could specialize in and master, and find something more meaningful. Part of it is because I am in a stable enough position to think of these higher ideals instead of worrying about where my next meal is coming from. And another part of it is coming from me being bored and annoyed in my job despite some of the comforts I have. Liistening to podcasts and YouTube videos during the slow days where no one is watching you for a seemingly ridiculous amount of time eventually gets old, boring, and kind of existetential crisis inducing. Like, I'm really out here wasting my life staring at a screen while consuming media, and trying my hardest to not have a sedentary lifestyle. But I wouldn't say that it's sending me into an angst filled spiral of meaninglessness due to the fact that I have quality relationships, interests that light me up, personal goals I'm trying to reach, and volunteering to contribute to things I care about. I can get through the day and be relatively happy, but in the silent moments in my day, I catch myself thinking *is this all that there is? Is this my life now?* in a slightly disappointed, jaded, and confused tone. *C'mon, you're better than this. You can create a life for yourself that is so much greater. * And I while there is still that jaded undertone, I wouldn't say that this comes in a weird, self agrandizing tone rather its more of an acknowledgement of *Hey maybe, I can do something more. I have the drive, passion, the skills, and most importantly the means since I am in a rather priviledged and stable spot at 23. Like that is so fucking young. I could do so much with my time going forward. Maybe I am good enough and I need to stop underestimating myself and overestimating the ease in which I could get the things I have dreamed about.* I just don't know where to put my efforts just yet. And honestly, that is just fine. I'm not super anxious about it because I'm not emotionally spiralling, but I am just annoyed enough with my predicament to keep my eyes and ears open to pounce on an opportunity that fits me better to get me out of my current job. I'm 23 years old. I'm like a 3 year old, a toddler, in adult years. Like anything before 20 is basically being a kid, learning basic things, and having the tools to tackle adulthood lol. They don't count lol. And honestly, if you want to be generous, you can subtract 2 years because of the pandemic, thus making me a 1 year old adult. Either way, I'm baby and I am not in any rush to figure my life out. I'm just enjoying it and taking the lessons as they come at my own pace.

my body dysmorphia feels called out

I mean it sounds like you did find your life purpose. A life purpose doesn't always have to be this grand thing that is larger than life. Sometimes its finding something you enjoy, finding a sustainable job regarding that, and having time and energy to spend on other things you find fulfilling like quality relationships, hobbies, travels etc. It doesn't have to look like starting your own business for you personally. Some might feel stifled by the life you explained in your original post while other people might envy it and think it's perfect for them. It all relative. There isn't a wrong way of going about a life purpose so long as its coming from a healthy place and isn't harmful to you or others.

I mean obviously I can't speak for everyone. I was talking about why South Asian Americans (the ones who were raised here since childhood) care more about cultural appropriation than South Asian people from South Asia. As far as voting Republican goes, there is a number of other factors involved from the issues of racism, colorism, and Islamophobia that is present in our commnities, in addition to class dynamics, as well as political socialization from being in a red state. As a result, while some may feel that they are ostracized by other white Americans, they might still vote Republican due to other biases they may have. I know a lot of South Asian Hindus specifically who have voted for Trump, not because they hated themselves as South Asian people, but because they hated Muslim people for example. A lot of South Asian Americans do also deal with a degree of self-hatred when they do grow up in mainly predominantly white areas. A lot of the people in that camp do out grow that and learn to embrace their culture but there are people who also don't do that as well. There is a pressure to assimillate and keep quiet about these types of things and different people have different ways of dealing with that pressure in both healthy and unhealthy ways.

Because growing up when I was going to school, I got bullied for having thick eyebrows, putting oil in my hair, bringing indian food to school because "it smelt funny", and being told that my cultural clothes are tacky but my relatives and my parents who grew up in India/Bangladesh never got the same treatment. They weren't exposed to white supremacy and the bullying that comes with it in the same way that South Asian Americans did so they don't see the hypocrisy. A lot of these people don't know what it's like to be ostracized at the place of your birth and be seen as other your whole lives. Don't get me wrong, they deal with these issues in a much more systemic and geopolitical way which is easily arguably worse, so I'm not trying to put down their experiences with inequality. But they simply don't have the same experience of being critiqued, ostracized, and discriminated against for one thing and then 10-20 years down the line once you've had to deal with your own self hatred and finally learned to embrace your roots, you have those same people that treated you badly use the things they bullied you for as props that made them cool. But it was never seen as cool or desirable on you even though you were the original.

How are Things Going with my New Job I have been working at my office job for about a month and a half now. I feel like I'm better equipped for talking about it now that I have more experience with the work itself since I'm out of the training phase. Everything that I said regarding the previous post detailing the conditions of my job still stands. I'm looking to add on to that post here since I know more about what I have gotten myself into. So far, I hate this. I'm taking this with a grain of salt since it's only been a couple days since I have been on my own but I get the feeling that technical work might not be for me. I don't like working with the software I'm using. I find it annoying and learning more about it feels like someone is reading the instruction manual for me rather than me being interested in the content. This might also be the case because I'm still new to the software and I'm still learning about it. I have been told since I started interviewiing for this role that it takes some getting used to and that the first 7 months is pretty challenging. I also tend to beat myself up for little mistakes on the job. My team is pretty chill abou it. They don't mind me asking a million questions and if anything expect it even if I feel like I'm annoying them. My manager seems chill but I do have difficulty from accepting corporate kindness or good treatment at the hands of authority. Some of it has to do with my personal experience with authority and a lot of it has to do with the constant horror stories of corporate America I have listened to for the past 4 ish years. The questions that are arising from this include the following: What kind of industry do I want to work for? What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now? What kind of jobs are out there internally and externally to the company? What kind of industry do I want to work for? Like I said before, I don't think that technical work is for me. I do know that with my role, I can have the opportunity to work in various departments in the company, even nontechnical roles. But I do think that even if I do something less technical, the technical aspect will still follow as I am working for a software company. So that brings me to think about the potential of switchin industries and what industry I might want to go to. What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now? I mainly mean inner teenager here. I remember seeing a post a while back on how first you do the inner child healing and then once you're done, you gotta do the inner teenager healing. And while the inner child wants to cry, cuddle, and have someone be gentle with them, the inner teenager is usually angry and ready to fight someone lol. Jokes aside, I do get the feeling that if 16 year old me saw me today, she would be disappointed. I feel that she expected a job that is more exciting, more creative, more fulfilling, and involves more travel and adventure. I love the video above. I think it's important to take that with a grain of salt. Sure life might not turn out the way you wanted it to, but you can still be happy and fulfilled. I know that I probably wouldn't be happy if I monetized an artistic passion (like if I picked up selling art on comission or became a graphic designer for instance) because I think it would take away the freedom, passion, and fun that I associate with the activity. I know that travelling for your job, like if you were a consultant for example, is not all that its cracked out to be because often times, you get tired from work on that trip and there is only so much you can explore due to time constaints since you are travelling on the company's terms. And travelling full time as a part of my day to day lifestyle might just be an over kill for me and I likely thought of that because I grew up in a boring town as a teenager and was really craving something new. Nevertheless, I think incorporating elements such as more creativity, more excitement, and more adventure in my life is a valid desire. I think that as far as more excitement and adventure goes, it has more to do with me engaging in hobbies and activities that make me happy and moving somewhere new outside of the Dallas area. I think in wanting more creativity, that signals to maybe wanting to change the industry I am in and/or find something that utlizes my talents and values more to where I feel motivated at my job. What kind of jobs are out there internally and externally to the company? I'm still getting to know the company as well as the opportunities that are available to me. From what I know, my current job is a very flexible entry point into the company. If I stay at this role and get a couple of promotions over the next couple years or so, I can go into many other departments including but not limitted to sales, marketing, consulting, project management, corporate training, learning and development, etc. Even if I don't like my current job, I think it would be foolish to walk away from this opportunity and leave without buliding the evidence from some foundational skills first since a lot of what I do in this job can transfer over to other jobs in and out of the company. As far as externally goes, like I said, my skills and experiences can transfer. There is also another post that really resonated with me a few weeks ago. It talked about when you were a kid, you are told you can be anything but you aren't told all of the things you can be. As a child, you have limitted life experiences and there is only so much that you know about the adult world. You want to be a veternarian because you care about your dog. You want to be an actor, muscician, or politician because you see them on TV and the product seems interesting based on your tastes an interests. You want to be a teacher because you are familiar with that role. Maybe you wanted to be a lawyer or activist because there is a cause you really cared about or you found out that you're good at arguing your way out of things. You don't know what tf goes on in an office and all of the types of roles that go into it and how different they can be depending on role, industry, company, and company culture. And that is to be expected because you've been a student all your life. I didn't know wtf a project manager was when I was 17 nor did I know if that is something I wanted to do. And I think that's part of the reason why I really wanted postpone getting a master's degree because #1, I didn't know what I wanted to do and I didn't want to waste time and money on a degree I'm not sure about, and because #2, being in the academic bubble isn't going to expose me to all that is out there careerwise. It also isn't going to expose me to the various factors that come with a variety of careers such as what the lifestyle of that career can look like or the realities of that job. In Conclusion: I don't like my job as of right now. Things could change as I progess in the role and get more familiar with the software or I would have to look at a different career or industry. I think it's good that I'm at a point of stability, both financially in terms of money and benefits and mentally in the way the company and job are relativel chill, to where I can think more clearly about what I want as opposed to being preoccupied with having my basic needs not being met. While I am greatful for this opportunity, at the same time I'm not super excited about what I do and that is ok. Two things can be true at once. Sure I'm not excited about this job, but the whole point is for me to try something new, see what I like and don't like about it, and figure out my career going forward.

bump

I've been thinking about this for a minute and I guess I can start off with some factors that are in the top of my head. I would love if people would add to the list. 1. Do you guys have similar sex drives? If not how does the person with the higher drive react? Does it affect them individually, or does it bleed into the rest of the relationship? 2. How important is sex to a fulfilling relationship? What role does sex play for you in a relationship? 3. Do either of you have certain kinks that need to be fulfilled or that you would like to try? How does the other partner feel about that? How open are they to trying new things and how does that make you feel? 4. Being able to communicate your wants and needs without being squemish around the topic of sex. At the same time, being able to communicate consent and feel safe enough to express what you are and are not comfortable with. 5. What dynamics do yall default to and how does that factor in with how enjoyable the sex was (i.e. are both of yall similar but clash with one another like if both of you guys are more dominant or do all compliment each other like one is dominant and the other is subissive for example). 6. To what extent are either of you comitted to your partner's pleasure? 7. To what extent are you guys are enthusistic about future encounters (ie. is sex like a chore for yall or is it something yall look forward to)? 8. What are the things yall are willing to accommodate for each other and what are the things that yall know is crucial to your sex life?

Questions I want to answer for myself in the next few years + things I want to learn about myself Figure out how to make friends as an adult I have a good idea as to how to maintain and develop healthy friendships but as far as meeting people and going through the whole I guess platonic dating process, that's something that I haven't done outside of an school environment. I feel like out of all of these, I can probably tackle this first. Figure out whether I want a kid or not I'm at a place where I either want 1 or none, not sure yet. I also don't know the means of which I would be having kids (i.e. adoption, birth etc.) but I know that if I have kids, I would want them in my 30s. Whether I decide to have a kid or not can determine how strong my urge to leave the U.S. is. It can also affect my dating life when it comes to aiming for marriage. Figure out what kind of career I want and what that trajectory looks like + navigating career transitions, corporate life etc. I feel like I have a good job but I'm still figuring out what kind of work I would be suited for and what will fulfill me. This can also impact where I want to live. Figure out where I want to live and the best ways of going about doing that. I know that I want to live in a walkable city and there is a part of me that really want to immigrate to New Zealand. But I need to have the money to do that and I want to have a clearer plan of how I want to execute this. Out of all of these, I feel like figuring this one out will take more money and planning based on answers to the previous two questions.

Summary of the video's tips Work 1) Don't overwork yourself 2) Sell yourself in interviews (like, really sell. lie if you have to) 3) Getting promoted isn't treason, be an ally as a manager 4) Don't be intimidated by your jobs 5) Everyone's winging it 6) Show understanding and you'll receive it 7) Loyalty to your boss is seriously stupid 8) Organize or join a union if you can 9) Your identity is not your job, don't get invested in a place that isn't invested in you 10) Always choose your health over a job 11) If you can, don't quit before lining up a new job 12) Share your salary with others; only your employer benefits from you being silent about your pay. 13) Don't work the full 8 hours, at minimum take breaks 14) Take advantage of new business models (like work from home) 15) Keep equipment the company gives you if you can 16) Use all your benefits and expenditures Summary of work section: you're a human, not an asset to your boss. support yourself and peers before anything else. Finance 1) Avoid brand obsession, focus on the true labor value 2) Avoid excessive consumption, shopping to feel good is an advertising tactic 3) No ethical consumption under capitalism, but being sustainable is encouraged 4) Take care of what you own instead of immediately buying new 5) Buy, don't rent if you can Small tips 1) Get a loan from a union before a bank (e.g. a credit union) 2) Balance food quality and price 3) Treat yourself where possible 4) Help the homeless

*laughs in virgin with PCOS* I think such people do exist but I also think that being polyamorous regardless of form (whether it be having romantic/sexual relationships with multiple people, feeling comfortable in things like threesomes and orgies, or having an open relationship) can be valid for people so long as it is coming from a healthy place. I also think that polyamory can get super unhealthy when there is a double standard involved. At the same time, I don't think it's healthy to treat monogamy as the default option because it can invalidate all of the ways we can romantically and sexually engage with one another and because treating monogamy as the default can lead to normalizing toxic, possessive behaviors. Sometimes polyamory can be a way of experimenting, spicing up a current relationship, or branching out while still being affirmed in your current relationship. Personally, I'm not open to a polyamorous relationship because that just feels like there are too many people involved but I am open to experimenting with sex outside of the relationship or engaging with multiple partners at once, and I'm comfortable with my partner doing the same. I have talked about this with my partner before and we are pretty open to such conversations. Loyalty is less about being possessive with your partner and more about consent imo. Cheating hurts not necessarily because it's outside of the bounds of a monogamous relationship but because it violates a person's boundaries and consent and is done behind someone's back. Because there are people who are in nonmongamous situations while being in a committed relationshnip and that doesn't inherently cause problems or pain. I personally would be comfortable with my partner having sex with someone else so long as it isn't behind my back and we've talked about it. I feel very assured in our relationship and I want to make sure things are coming from a healthy place both from an individual and couple standpoint and address any other concerns I might have. But if those aren't your boundaries, that's perfectly fine too. People have different preferences and things that make them feel emotionally safe and it's important to honor that and honor your preferences/ boundaries as well. I also remember back when I identified as ace, I was still open to the idea of my partner having sex with others mainly because I thought that it wasn't healthy for people to put all of their eggs in one basket and expect one person to fulfill all of their needs, and because this was something that I didn't feel comfortable at the time doing. Because on some level, a lot of men see women as property and the thought of another man using their object fucks them up in the head and they get possessive. It's the same reason why using the excuse "I have a boyfriend" even if you are single is more effective in warding guys off than simply saying no. Men often don't respect women unless she is seen as belonging to someone else. Then there is a lot of religious arguments that are mostly bs and enforce patriarchial norms to control women, especially their sexuality. Because men are insecure and the thought of a woman having more experience than them (or in some cases, any experience) makes them feel like they are less of a man because sex is seen as a form of conquest rather than pleasure or a way of connecting with others.

People are asexual for the same reason why people are gay or straight, they're just born that way. As for having no desire for close relationships and not being able to be close to others, there are all types of dysfunctional reasons why people may feel that way. That's not a part of being asexual. Asexual people still have friends and family they are close to.

^^^ This post has much of the background information for this post. TLDR: I landed my first job after college. I'm making about $65k in Dallas, TX with decent benefits, a good company culture, with a lot of learning and development opportunities. However, it's not super well aligned with my sense of purpose and it seems like it will be rather monotonous. It's also like 90% remote but I don't have flexible hours (working 8-5). I'm planning on sticking to this job for at least 2 years as I figure out what kind of job I'm well suited for and just in general what is out there. I think that this a good start considering that I am just starting out in my career. As far as money goes, I already have some money saved up and I am planning on living with my parents for another 5 months to continue saving. I do pitch into household expenses and I try to be careful with how much I spend on recreational things. I'm also trying to put in a good chunk of money aside into a retirement account but as of right now, investing feels kind of overwhelming. I was wondering what kind of advice y'all have for me both in terms of career growth and money management.

I mean the real question is, what is your dynamic with these girls and how does their trauma impact you and the relationship? Because a lot of trauma, especially early childhood trauma, is completly out of a child's control. Obviously they didn't ask for this and nor should they be judged as somehow crazy or unfit as a partner because of it. But the important question is how they dealt with those things into adulthood and the degree of selfawarness they have about the situation. It's one thing to struggle with things and have a past but be able to set boundaries, communicate, and build a healthy relationship but it's another thing to have that manifest into horrible communication methodes (silent treatment, various forms of violence, self isolation, disregulated emotions, anger issues etc.), toxic dynamics (i.e. using sex in an unhealthy way, attachment issues, manipulation, etc.), or just in general be on the receiving end of having them take their trauma and insecurities out on you (backhanded compliments/ rude critique, projection etc.)

So basically, clients chat in throughout the day with questions and difficulties they have with the software and it's my job to take those cases, solve them, and correspond with the client. Some cases can take as little as 10 min while others can be like an hour. And you need to log that time. But when you don't have chats, you still need to be available, but you have the down time to do other activities such as answer email, do career development classes online, or any other admin work. You also need to log time for that stuff as well.

Fake Growth v. Real Growth I have been thinking about this video for a hot minute now because I feel that compared to where I was 2 years ago, I've come a long way in terms of my self development and I've had a lot of good things to externally manifest. I feel that this has grown me internally as well but I wanted to be careful about deceiving myself by having bandaid, external solutions for internal problems. At the same time, I feel like for me personally, while I might know something intellectually, sometimes I need external experience for me to be able to turn the switch and emotionally integrate it. I believe this is because even if we know something logically, it's not always enough to integrate it because we don't have the life experience to back that logic up. For instance, in theory you might know that you are capable of having a healthy relationship and attracting a good partner, but if you have instances consistently in the past that contridict this (like maybe you're perpetually single or your past experiences were messy), it can be difficult to integrate that fully until you have an event that proves it to you. In other words, while there is only so much you can do with external validation, in some cases it can have a lot of merit. Regarding the video, Leo talks about ways to gage whether there was fake growth or real growth. I jotted down a couple of notes and I thought I'd go through each of the bullet points and reflect on whether my achievements were fake growth or real growth. The following achievements I will be reflecting on include getting my job, getting a good group of friends, and getting a significant other. Real growth creates a permanent release of issue I feel like a lot of issues around desirablity platonically and romantically have been dealt with. I remember that for a very long time from my childhood, I thought that there was something inherently wrong with me. I never feel that way now and I feel like a big part of it had to do with therapy, learning how to make and maintain friends as an adult, and understanding how my ADHD/neurodivergence affected me socially and how to as a result stop masking. As for work, I don't know how the issue would be fully dealt with. It's only been a month. If there is real growth, there is no overcompensation or obsession over the issue. You won't need defensiveness. I don't find myself over compensating in my relationships or at work. I have good boundaries from both and I do feel pretty secure. I feel that there is a little defensiveness there when it comes to my job. I'm in the stage where I do pressure myself a little to do a good job since I don't want to lose it as soon as I got it. But I also think that this has to do with me being new to the workforce and still figuring things out. But overall, I don't find myself wanting to overwork myself or feel this need to prove myself. When there is real growth, the problem leaves your mind, feels trivial or insignificant (you ask yourself how was this was ever an issue) At this point, quality relationships and a quality job kind of feel like a given. I kind of think it's wild that I had issues with both but can still empathize with my past self. If there is real growth, you won't need to exert will power/ need to force yourself to do things that are needed I don't need to exert will power or force myself to be around my friends or significant other. Can't say the same for my job though. However, I will say that I think it has more to do with my job lacking purpose rather than me lacking in growth. It isn't the worst thing in the world but it isn't exactly the thing I want to be doing with my time. Look at emotional responses in situations and ask yourself if they improved I feel that a lot of my insecurities around interpersonal relationship have greatly diminished and I do catch myself having a much more secure attachment style. I also find myself not prescribing to hyper independence as I used to before and I'm also much more gentle on myself. I also feel that I have grown both in the way that I feel comfortable opening up and sharing my life as well as having the support and input on ways that I can grow as a result of me talking about my life. Romantically, I think it's wild that I've ever questioned my desirability. I feel much more comfortable and self assured in myself in romantic matters. I feel very secure in my relationship and I also feel secure in my ability to get into other relationships. I know I had some femcel tendencies here and there before, and while I knew better, it was difficult for that switch to go off in my head to emotionally integrate it because I didn't have the life experience to back it up. I feel that a lot of issues around my imposter syndrome has died down since getting out of my college environment. I do notice my need to compare as well as my tendency to get jealous because I was insecure about my ability to support myself in the future considerably declined. Am I less reactive , less emotional need, am I calmer in this area of my life I would say yes when it comes to my career and romantic relationship as well as my friends, but as far as my friends go, I'm not perfect. I do still sometimes get triggered when everyone cancels on me at once or sometimes when I haven't heard from someone in weeks or I get sad around Christmas. I think part of it has more to do with how friendships in adulthood works when people have busy lives and many other priorities as well as some issues I've had with friendships in the past. As far as the friendship area of my life goes, I do feel much calmer but there is still room for growth. In conclusion, I feel like most of the growth I've had was real growth, especially when it comes to romantic relationship. As far as fake growth goes, I think acquiring my job seems to have more fake growth than the other two categories (there is a lot of real growth, don't get me wrong) but I think a large part of it has to do with me figuring my professional life out. I am still trying to do the whole life purpose thing and I'm trying to gage where I fall socially and skills wise in a corporate environment. I don't think that this is fake growth as it is incomplete growth. Finally when it comes to my friends, I feel like its like 85% real and 15% fake given the hang up in my last bullet. I feel like that's a post of it own that I need to do but wanted to keep it succinct here so that I don't stray from the topic.

@Emerald It's good to have you back, Emerald

The Happiness Spectrum I have been spending the day contemplating a lot of things since it's been one month since I have gotten my job and I wanted to reflect on the ways that I have changed since then, my first impression of adult life after school, and where I want to go from here. I have been revisiting some of Leo's older videos that I have watched as food for thought. One of the videos I revisited was the Happiness Spectrum. I did do a post about this a couple years back reflecting on this topic which I'll quote below and I wanted to do the same thing again to see where I'm at. My 2023 comments are in green.

@Michal__ .... yeah I just have a work out schedule so that the endorphins keep me happy. I do a 10 min workout before work so that I can wake up and start my day. I have a couple of breaks during office hours so I have another 2 10 min workouts then. During my lunch break I like to go on a walk. And then after work I go to the gym for 45 min - 1.5 hours, depending on what I feel. I notice myself feeling stir crazy after sitting for 8 hours and I try to take every opportunity I can get to incorporate some movement and take advantage of my role being so remote. I also make sure that I am engaging with my hobbies, interests, and self education in my free time as a way of taking care of myself emotionally and intellectually. I have a handful of quality, meaningful relationships that I make sure to maintain by talking to people and by hanging out with them a couple times a week. I also volunteer once a week for a cause that I care about so that I can engage with my community and I can interact with people who are not my coworkers. And because I work from home, I am typically able to make healthy meals from scratch with no issue. I think overall I have built a good life for myself. I think that it could be better if I found more fulfilling work that utilizes my interests and values. But hey, I just graduated, and you gotta start somewhere when it comes to experimenting and putting yourself out there to see what's available. And I do think that I have a good start, I'm still adjusting to and processing this transition in my life from being a full time student to being in the professional full time workforce. As someone who has been a corporate girly for a solid month now, I feel like the worst part of corporate/ 9-5 life is the monotony of it. Basically, it's like living in this meme: And thankfully, I can dodge some of that from working from home. I don't have to sit in a depressing, existential crisis inducing beige cubicle (I did work in the office for one day and decided that I never want to do that again lol). I don't have to sit in traffic during rush hour twice a day. I can make meals from scratch during my lunch break because of the time I have and usually I make a little extra so that I won't have to cook dinner. My job is chill enough to where I do have down time between cases and during that time I can do the laundry and some light cleaning and as a result, I don't have a pile of chores waiting for me when I get off at 5. Also, the whole sedentary lifestyle that comes with a lot of full time jobs feels very dystopian, especially for my ADHD self that needs to move around to concentrate. Like we aren't supposed to be living like this where we sit in traffic for 2 hours, where we are hunched over on a computer screen for another 8, and we feel so exhausted by going against what our bodies are meant to do for so long to where we sit for another few hours before we go to bed and start all over. Hence why again, moving my body consistently throughout my day is so important for me. I have it pretty good. But it can still feel montonous. I find myself counting down to 4/5pm and just emotionally checking out in the meantime. And that millions of people have the same 7am-6pm schedule can feel depersonalizing. Like there's just something about sitting in traffic one hour there and one hour back and clocking in/out in the time that most other people do that does make you feel like a drone lol. I think a lot of this are things that I would have encountered if I had taken any other kind of corporate job with standard hours, so I'm not saying this as a way to dig at my current job, but more of as a way to reflect how my life has changed since I have become an adult with a full time job from being a student all my life. However, while I appreciate my job being relatively straightforward while requiring critical thinking, the thought of having to do the same thing day in and day out without my schedule having certain blocks (like I would when I was taking different classes in school) does make my day feel like a monotonous blur.

also I thought this was an interesting video though it is extreme. It talks about how hustle culture can mess with your passion and how I think sometimes your purpose/passion can also turn into a wage slave job when you put all of your eggs in one basket.

So I have been contemplating about somethings regarding my career and financial situation and where I see my life going regarding this. I suppose that this could be a thread of its own but I want to keep things in one place. I believe that I'm well educated in the whole "pyramid scheme" that soceity can be (using this particular phrase because it is one that Leo uses a lot in the video). A lot of it is due to what I ended up studying in university. These are basically the conclusions that I've come to given my life experiences and my education. You are not your job and exhausting yourself for your job and career is rarely worth it. It's okay if your purpose isn't in your career because you can still live a well balanced purposeful life outside of your job. There are so many ways life has meaning. The entrepreneurship path isn't for everyone and there is nothing wrong if you realize it isn't for you. That doesn't make you any less ambitious, creative, or purposeful person. I do, however, see a fulfilling or at the very least stable and sustainable job, as something that is important to aim for. Nothing exists in a vaccuum even if you are an entrepreneur. You will always be a part of the pyramid and there is only so much right you can do. Do what you can to mitigate the damage or get rid of it (take initiative of it) but also know that there is only so much you can do and that you aren't a bad person for contributing to things indirectly. I think that there are many people who can be fulfilled with a 9-5 job because they want to spend their energy else where to find fulfillment and that is fine. Sometimes, a job is just a job. But I do think you need to conciously choose your position whatever they may be, People who unconciously choose to be a entrepreneur and who unconciously choose to be a lawyer are both in the wrong and can both lead unfullfilling lives. At the same time, though being a lawyer was cited as a wage slave job, I feel that if your life purpose or major sense of fulfillment comes from being a lawyer, that isn't a wage slave job. And I think that it can be condescending that you are destined for a mediocre life if you choose a different path where instead of one grand purpose that you choose to follow many different things that give you purpose/ meaning/ personal growth in life. -------------------------------------------------------------- I'm currently in a place where my job is just a job. I don't necessarily see this as a forever thing, but I think that providing myself stability and data points is an important foundation for me to figure out what it is I want. I will say that my current job isn't the thing that fills me up with the most fulfillment and that is something that I'm super interested in. I am hoping that while I am figuring my life out, this job will give me a clearer idea of what I might want to do both in terms of career and lifestyle, savings for a more stable future, and some valuable skills I can add to a resume to advocate for myself while also sharpening skills that I'm already good at. I'm still not sure if I want to go down the career or entrepreneurship route but I will say that especially in the past decade or so, the whole "find your dream job" and the whole "be your own boss" has been over romanticiszed and needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

Can't forget to have all the strength of a raging fire and be mysterious as the dark side of the moon lmaooo

Nice! I wanna hear more female views on this topic. I do feel hesitant to share my views of what makes a good man. I feel that a lot of female feminists feel this way too because sure we can describe toxic masculinity because we often deal with the consequences of that but generally speaking the hesitation comes from the notion of *who am I to define masculinity and manhood when I haven't lived as such* but then because a lot of men lean more orange as opposed to green, you have a bunch of men doubleing down on the age old alpha male narrative. That aside, for conversation's sake, here is my perspective. I feel like all of this has to do with being a good person in general but I will talk about this in the point of view of what I perceive to be a healthy form of masculinity. Not Stoic And what I mean by that is not stoic in the truest sense, because to me that is more of emotional regulation, the ability to detach from things that aren't serving you, and having an emphasis on self reflection. All of that is fine and encouraged. I'm talking about stoicism in the day to day sense that a lot of men tend to internalize which is the whole *men aren't supposed to be emotional* narrative. I think a good man is aware of his emotions, can feel his emotions, can articulate himself (at the very least for communication and connection, creativity is a nice plus), and can regulate his emotions. I think that a lot of men think that men are less emotional than women and I honestly think a lot of that is bs. A lot of men lack self awareness to recognize their emotions, repress them, or have everything come out (including things like stress, sadness, grief etc.) as anger because anger and agression are seen as acceptable and not really like emotions. Cuz lets be real, how many women do you see punch walls when they get upset and how many women will harrass you on the street when they got an answer they don't like? Also, rather than being a lone wolf, a good man knows how to deal with people. He might not be everyone's friend but generally speaking he can atleast get along and empathize with most people. He has quality friends and other deep and fulfilling human connections because part of being brave and being a leader is being brave enough to show your emotions and share about yourself and your vulnerabilities, and a large part of being a leader is knowing how to deal and connect with people given the circumstance. And the last part about circumstance is important because trauma dumping at inappropriate times is not healthy for a singular person or the dynamic as a whole. I felt like I needed to make that last point because I feel like men, when they are told to show emotion, somIt etimes they straw man the whole thing and take it to the extreme because there aren't many examples of healthy emotional regulation and expression in a lot of male dominated spaces and often a lot of relationships as a result only go so deep. Stable and Consistent This is something that I look for in both friends and partners regardless of gender. I believe that a good man can consistently follow up with you and make plans, consistently abide by his values and boundaries, and consistently treat people with dignity, empathy, and respect. I believe that this kind of consistency is the thing that makes most people feel safe, secure, and protected. Empathetically Honest I think that I am talking about empathy a lot in general in this post so I'm not going to elaborate on it too much. But while a good man is honest, he is also empathetic and wise enought to know that just because something is honest, that doesn't mean that you need to say it. I mean, we've all dealt with those people who say "no offense" and say the most vile stuff after that or back up awful things they saw to people by justifying it by saying "I'm just being honest." And I think those statements reflect a lack of empathy, self accountability, and awareness, or in some cases plain common sense. And a lot of that also reflects self honesty as well becasue in my mind self accountability and awareness falls under that category. Committed to Self Education / Is Open minded This is not limitted to getting a formal education or reading a lot, but it can also include putting yourself out there and trying something new or engaging with different people and persepectives. I think that shows strength, bravery, and initiative. This also means taking information from quality sources and generally knowing better than you know being an Andrew Tate fan.