soos_mite_ah

@supremeyingyang I'm in Dallas, Texas. The college I went to was in an upper class area with really wealthy and priviledged students (I mention this because there is a whole thing about rich white people obessing over female thinness and hold it like its a status symbol). This isn't about health and nutrition. This is about glorifying thinness, not eating, and losing your hunger cues as markers of how controlled, busy or quirky you are. A lot of the food rules and "lifestyles" that people talk about are just repackaged diets and not eating enough can really fuck with you in the long run. And this can effect people in all weights. We just don't talk about the dangers of diet culture nearly as much as say the dangers of obesity. I'd argue that the former is much worse than the later and that the former can in turn fuel the later as well. Generally speaking, when it comes to cuisine globally, they all include some fruits/vegetables for fiber and micronutrients, some carbs, some healthy fats, and some protein. The contents change from place to place depending on availability but the building blocks and format of the meals that make people satiated is pretty consistent generally speaking. There is no need to obsess over macros, "clean foods" etc. If you have a healed relationship with food and don't have any specific body building goal and are just looking to eat healthy, I think an intuitive approach to eating is the best. There are ways to make certain meals or snacks more nutrient dense and filling/satisfying but there isn't any hard and fast rules.

I never had the judgement placed on me outright but I do remember feeling self concious as my hunger cues were coming back. I went to school in a really werid place where thinnness was put on a pedestal and if you didn't at least have abs, you were basically the odd one out. And just in general, I think there is a whole thing about some girls (and guys too) saying "I just realized that I had nothing except *insert a very small snack* all day" as if it's something quirky rather than concerning. And while women do need less calories then men because of their size, by no means should women aim to eat 1200-1400 calories. That's the caloric recommendations for a toddler but a lot of women at one point or another, including myself, thought this was normal and that we should all weigh 110-120 lbs because that is what is normalized.

I've seen a lot of women not react too well to the keto/low carb diet compared to men. Might be a hormonal thing tbh. Unfortunately, because of biases in the medical field, women aren't the ones who are typically tested on and as a result how things affect women can differ from how things affect men and there isn't as much of an explanation available because of a lack of funding that goes to that type of research. The COVID vaccine physically affecting women more than men in terms of symptoms after the dose is the perfect example of this. I'm sure this can also be applied to diet related matters too. I also know that regardless of gender, your body, especially your brain, needs carbs to function. I know that if I'm not eating enough of carbs l I can deal with anything from migranes, low energy, mood swings, and a generally depressed outlook. I like to joke that keto or any other restrictive diet can fry some people's brains physiologically or as far as mental health towards one's attitude towards food and their body goes lol. As far as women receiving more demonization, I don't think it's a controversial opinion that a woman's body and what she chooses to do with it is subject to much more scrutiny than men, apart from reproductive rights. Most diets are often marketed towards women and what our bodies look like can feel like its under a microscope to where a plethora of neurosis can stem from, ranging from demonizing women for eating a normal portion of food to expecting her to always restrict. I know for me personally, as someone who has been healing her relationship with food, sometimes I do feel like I'm eating an obsene amount mainly because a lot of women around me basically run on an iced coffee and an oreo all day. There is also the social pressure to restrict food whether it is because your peers are doing it, you want to look a certain way, or other gendered notions of food like how sometimes people look down on you when you eat more than your male partner for example. When it comes to dieting and exercising for a specific goal for fatloss or muscle gain, I do think that a simple calories in / calories out is too simplistic because it doesn't take into consideration of things like horomones, medications (like birth control), energy levels, menstrual cycle, stunted metabolism due to prolonged dieting etc. into consideration. And when those factors interfere, sometimes women get written off as they aren't trying hard enough or that they are lying to themselves about what they eat.

If she’s doing these in moderation that’s fine. You can enjoy these foods and still have and overall balanced diet. As far as pasta and bread is concerned, that’s honestly great. just pair it with some fruits/ vegetables, healthy fat, and some protein and you have a balanced meal. Carbs are demonized too much these days and they are important for a healthy, well rounded diet, especially if you are a woman.

And even though I don't have the healthiest relationship with my parents, as their child I still love them and respect the stuff they were able to do for me. They are the way they are due to situations outside of their control (i.e. generational trauma from war, genocide, famine, child marriage across generations, lack of money + lack of mental health awareness and resources etc.) and they really did their best. I can empathize with a lot of what they have gone through and I understand why they are the way they are. I can't help but feel that me leaving the family is the last blow in their lives. Imagine going through all of that, having to immigrate to a country that is so different from your own, leaving your friends and family in said country behind to provide a better life for your kid only to fail providing for the kid emotionally because you weren't well equiped as a parent to provide them with a healthy home due to things our of your control and have her to leave you at your old age. That's fucked up. It's a privilege that I can do this self-actualization work in the first place. And maybe I cannot gurantee being present until they die for my own sanity and in the future for my future family, but I feel awful for not compensating them in other ways and the other way I can currently think of is money.

I disagree with this. While there is a lot of bs in my relationship with my parents, financial guilt tripping is not one of them. I will be honest and say it's a me thing. I was talking to my therapist about this and I thought that I'd share some of the insights and reflections I had. I would put this in the OP but I didn't want it to get too long. I am coming from an immigrant family and I think in this instance I'm taking the worst of both sides. The main con of being in an hyper individualistic society (the U.S.) is not being able to ask for help, lean on other people, and have social and monetary support. The main con of being in a hyper collectivistic society (South Asia) is caring way too much about what other people think of you, and doing things out of obligation to your community rather than doing what you actually want. I feel in this particular case, I’m in a double bind because on one hand, I’m expected to pull myself up from my bootstraps and do everything myself, but on the other hand, I’m also obligated to certain people in my life to fulfill certain roles. I feel like I put these expectations on myself because I have this need to be right and moral in both of the cultural contexts I was brought up in. I know that my parents who come from a collectivistic society think it's weird that parents in the US expect their kids to pay rent under their own roof and they think it's inhumane to not at least try to help the kid out with paying for college and higher education. In a lot of Asian families, it can be seen as a failure to not be able to provide for your kids in this way. I also know with my friends in the U.S., mainly those who came from lower incomes and really don't have any other option but to become independent at a young age by working multiple jobs and also pitching in while in high school, I wouldn't be surprised if they looked at me as if I'm priviledged and entitled and as if I'm lazy/ living life on easy mode / not taking responsibility.

The OP is currently giving me the same energy as when Tai Lopez explained that what he means by the statement of him reading one book a day is really just him reading summarries of those books, if that.

Also, I don't know who is reading my journal lol but I would really appreciate input on the previous post. I'm contemplating on creating another thread providing this information and phasing it into a question in the Main Discussions (likely either in the Personal Development section or Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship, Finance section).

My Frugal Relationship with Money This is something that I have been thinking more about lately. Even though I have a good job, I still panic at the thought of spending money, even if it isn't in foolish intention. The thought of paying thousands in rent freaks me out and so does the general cost of being alive lol. Maybe it's because I'm not used to paying larger bills. I have this impulse of saving up as much as I possibly can. I feel that this can cause me to cut corners down the road. I'm currently living at home with my parents and I am saving a lot of money. I originally planned to stay at home for 6 months to save up and then get my own place. But I feel a sense of resistance towards that. While I recognize that getting my own space can cause me to be more independent, figure out various ares of my life, give me a sense of privacy, and overall be healthier than my current living circumstances since my parents aren't the healthiest people to be around, there is a part of me that's like *but you can save much more money if you extend your stay for another 3-6 months.* This kind of thinking has landed me in a lot of trouble during the pandemic. I chose to stay at home instead of going back to school in an effort to make a more moral and financially sound decision. But because I was living in an unhealthy enviornment and in honestly, existentially horrible circumstances, I wound up spending more in medical bills due to my deteriorating mental health than if I had just paid some extra money to live away from home. However, living at home now feel considerably more different now that I'm not at home under lockdown, now that my parents have calmed down significantly when it comes to my relationship with them, and now that I have more of a social circle that I can fall back on. Sure, it's still not the best environment but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. And part of me thinks that I can gain more if I delay somethings in order to save up money. I also think a large part of the reason why I'm frugal with my money is because of the relationship I have with my parents. I am contemplating on potentially cutting them off and there is a part of me that wants to give back all of the money they have spent on me since I was 18, from my college, to basic bills, medical expenses, letting me live at home for 6 months, and letting me use their car. From my calculations, that totals up to about $150k for the last 5 years. In addition to that, I have other financial goals from having my own car (having it paid off for the most part), getting my own place and furnishing it, 6-months of expenses, and a potential down payment on a house. All of that together, minus the 6 months of expenses since I don't know the valuation of that and accounting for $100k for a down payment on a house (I know this is pretty generous but I'd rather overshoot on my financial goals), that totals up to $130k. Total for the money that I want to pay back my parents and the money for my own financial goals is $280k. $280k is a number that hangs over my head. I think on one hand it makes my goal feel more achievable since I can make certain calculations and it feels more tangible than feeling like I need to make a large amorphous amount of money. But, at the same time, it still does feel like a lot of money considering how much I'm making at the moment. I would probably have to save about half of my income for 10 years to pay this off. Now, I'm pretty sure that my wage isn't stagnant given how I can move up in my current job, have side hustles, have my life purpose contribute a lot of money etc. but it still kicks my frugal tendencies into high gear. I can probably go without paying $150k to my parents and just focus on the $130k (it's not like my parents are expecting this money back, this is a standard I have for myself) and that relieves some of my stress and frugal tendencies tbh. God, I wish I came from a healthy home so I wouldn't feel like I had to do this. And I have thought of the ways that being stingy with my money can affect my quality and happiness in life ranging from not feeling comfortable taking financial risk, not travelling to places and enjoying / exploring life and growing myself, not relocating and living in a place that feels more fulfilling than Dallas, and most currently, not moving out of an unhealthy environment. I can see this really holding me back in my life.

How Aligned Am I To My Top Values Authenticity: I do feel like I have really authentic relationships where I can be vulnerable with people and that I have a life that aligns with what I'm currently feeling. I think working from home and my company's over all culture with how casual everything is helps me not feel like a total corporate drone, however, I do understand there is only so much transparency I can have in a corporate environment. I do have outlets to express myself in and I make time to explore interests and goals I have for myself. There are a few tweaks here and there I could make that would help me show up as more authentic but over all I feel like I'm in a good place 9/10. Awareness: I am journalling regularly again and as usual, I'm in therapy. I'm taking accountability for my actions and I see my weakpoints, especially regarding food and body image. I'm also in a stable enough place where I can think clearer about what I want with my life over all. I feel like I could improve upon my awareness by moving out of my parent's house because I think moving into my own place can give me a more neutral setting to figure my life out. I also think that I could do more in terms of being present at my job. Overall, 8/10. Justice/Truth: I volunteer for causes I care about, I continue to educate myself about different social issues, and I go to therapy to unpack my blindspots in terms of social justice. My job is for the most part ethical but I do feel that making software for property managers and land lord isn't the vibe even though over all the company culture is good and equitable and they do a lot of social responsibility stuff. I would say my job takes most of the hit on the scale so I will say it's a 7/10. Empathy: I'm in an empathetic enviornment at work and I like the customer service aspect of it because I like dealing with people. I volunteer at an afterschool program and I like engaging with the kids there and giving them advice and guidance. I am dealing with somethings regarding my relationship with my parents and I think I'm dealing with that empathetically. I also have solid relationships in my life. Only thing that I would count off on is that I wish my job was more people oriented. 9/10 Joy: I do think I'm pretty happy overall. I have healthy habits, a stable job, good relationships etc. I do think I can do better in terms of career satisfaction but I am trusting the process. 8/10. Peace: Similar to the previous answer, I have a very chill life and job. I have a good balance between time to myself and time with others along with a meditation practice. I do see room for improvement when I move out. 9/10. Creativity: I am exploring my interests and I started journaling again. My job is pretty lacking in creativity and I think I can do better in pursuing some of my creative pursuits. 5/10. Connecting with people: It's similar to the empathy answer. 9/10 Learning: I think I'm learning at my job but I don't think that I feel educated. I'm pursuing my interests independently and I'm basically using life experience as the medium of learning rather than my go to which is podcasts, books etc. I think I need a break from that medium tbh. Main points are counted off because of my job. 7/10 Freedom: My work is 90% remote. I can wear what I want, I'm not micromanaged, I have the freedom to eat and cook as I please, I don't have a commute, and I have great work life balance. I do wish I had more financial freedom and that I was making more money and I need to reevaluate my relationship with money. I also want to move out of my parents house. Most of these are a work in progress so I'm not counting off too much and I think the work life balance and freedom my job is giving me is a huge deal. 8/10. Overall score: 7.9/10 Things I can do going forward to live according to my values more: Move out of my parents' house (freedom, awareness, peace) Get clear about career matters: impacts career satisfaction (joy), learning, want to change to something more ethical and people oriented (justice, empathy, connection), and allows me to be more creative. Make more money for financial freedom

Leaning into Boredom I caught myself feeling bored for the first time in a long time today. I think the last time I felt this was was maybe in middle school. I think both high school, college, and even the break I took in college was riddled with things to do and even if my schedule wasn't full, I was either recuperating from a busy week or anxiously procrastinating on work for an upcoming work because I didn't have the energy or motivation to do something "productive." I also catch myself feeling like delving into my interests through things like podcasts, video essays, or books to feel rather empty at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I feel like there is so much that I still have yet to learn and more knowledge that I want to accumulate, but recently, part of it just feels kind of compulsive. I remember not too long ago viewing watching things from my "watch later" playlist as something that was relaxing and fulfilling because it was letting me educate myself in something I was interested in. I don't think that it's about my tastes in content changing rather it's more about that my consumption of content feels compulsory to fill all this time I have, especially when it comes to TikTok and Instagram. I'm thinking of just cutting these things off for a short while and see how I feel afterwards. When it comes to my job, I feel like I'm learning so much but I don't feel educated. I feel like I have all this free time to rest and have energy but not many outlets to use that energy in a meaningful way. I feel that my job is a good job, that it is fulfilling a lot of my needs, and that I've landed the best possible circumstance given that I just graduated college, but I feel like I'm not utilizing talents towards something I actually care about. I have a good amount of friends whom I engage with in meaningful conversations, but I feel like once I start stagnating in my life in terms of growing as a person and experiencing things, I won't have as many interesting things to bring to the table. And as some of the things that bring my life meaning starts to feel empty to a certain extent as I am in a place where I'm well rested and stable in my life, it does make me think of my life purpose more. I feel like once I'm find my life purpose it will help me learn things that resonate with me and continue to grow me personally as well as through experience. I will have something to direct my energy towards. I can learn and feel educated. And I can keep the spark alive in my friendships and other relationships. In the time that I was able to get into a healthy and loving relatioship with my significant other, I also have a friend who traveled around India for her master's program, did work/volunteering, and basically found what she really wanted to do with her life. I think that finding a dream partner or dream career can have some parallels from the conversation I had with her. I know that I have half-jokingly talked before on how job interviews are like first dates and the reason why I'm good at interviews is because I've been on a number of first dates and I have the transferrable skills to make a good impression, tell stories, relate to people, see if a situation is a good fit for both of us, scan for red flags, and walk away from things without feeling bad about it which all translate very well in the context of a job interview. I think I'm in a similar place in my career/life purpose as I was in my romantic life before I met my current partner. I remember before in my romantic life, I was pretty romantically thirsty, desired companionship, and that I had a good idea of what I wanted due to therapy and self reflection even though I was still happy single and not desperate to get into a relationship with just anyone. Similarly, careerwise, I feel thirsty for meaning, I desire finding my life purpose, and I have a good idea of what I want due to therapy and self reflection (see previous posts lol) even though I'm still happy with my job right now and I'm not desperate to leave this. And I guess this is the part where I surrender my control but still keep an eye out because I'll find this life purpose/ career when I am meant to the same way that I met my current partner.

@Leo Gura I get not wanting to get into false equivalencies to avoid fear mongering and inaccurately portraying positions (i.e. comparing Trump to Hitler), but where do you draw the line when it comes to seeing what people like DeSantis is saying and pushing for authoritarianism/ fascism? Because we're already noticing the similarities in ideologies and some implementation (i.e. overturning Roe v. Wade, banning books etc.). My thing is that we don't have to be on the brink of concentration camps and territorial expansion for something to be fascist or authoritarian. Much of the ideologies and attitudes that fuel fascism and authoritarian regimes aren't some kind of slippery slope, I agree with you on that. You can see signs framework, discrimination, and policies decades before something like the Holocaust happen. We can intervene early on if we know what to look out for but it's not like we can predict how much harm this can cause down the line so it's preferable to err on the side of caution for the future and on the side of empathy in the present by listening to the marginalized who see this behavior and can smell the bs from a mile away.

I'm not feeling too great because I just didn't sleep well last night. But I do feel pretty happy. I spent a lot of last night contemplating where I want to go with my life and brainstorming possible long term plans. It reminds me of the time when I was 17 and just imagining all of the ways my life could turn out regarding college. And now, as I typed out the last sentence, I feel a sense of saddness because I had so many hopes at that age and many of which didn't come true and I remember the disappointment I felt towards the end of my senior year. But nevertheless, it does feel nice to go back to that emotional state of being hopeful for the future. It's been years since I have felt this. I feel like I already have a great life and I can see ways to make it even better. I'm also super thankful for my current job even if it isn't something that I am super fulfilled by because it is giving me the foundation of safety to think about what I want again while giving me some skills in the process. I feel like there has been so many ways my life has gotten better now that I have a job that is relatively stable with a healthy work environment. If this is where I'm at now, I can't wait to see what I'm capable of 10 years from now. Going back to how I felt a similar way about 5 years ago, I feel like during that time I did have a lot of growth and figured out a lot of things about myself and where I wanted to go. And even if the journey since then wasn't what I expected and at times made me feel like I was back tracking, I do think that the contemplation and work I put in then did come in handy for creating a good solid foundation for myself in dealing with various situations as well as coming out on the other side not completely being a wreck. This time however, there is a part of me that is hesitant of having that same amount of optimism. I rember a couple years back when I was 21 and I had to take a break from school, I was looking back at the idealism I had at 17 and feel awful because I thought I would be further along or that I would be fulfilling my potential in a type of way. Back then, I felt that I let my younger self down. I'm scared of having this kind of optimism now and then in 3 years thinking I overestimated my potential and let my younger self down because that was an awful and piercing feeling. But for now, I think it's best to enjoy this season of peace and stability that I have for myself. I don't know what's up ahead and I think I can go pretty far but I'm also really happy with where I'm at right now. I don't see myself being here forever for better or for worse but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.2 This is a more cleaned up and focused version of the previous post rather than more new content. I decided to do it this way so I can see patterns and draw conclusions. Much of this post is repetition apart from the stuff in blue. Like I mentioned in the previous post, underlined things are things I want to contemplate more about and/or do another journal entry on. Italicized things are things I could do better or more of. Things to think about for yourself: how liberal / conservative you are: I think I want to revisit Leo's videos for this one. Underlining so I can remember. order and regimentation vs spontaneity: I feel like I'm getting a good feel for it with my current working conditions. I feel like I could contemplate more on this and write in my journal so I'm underlining for now. masculine/feminine you are: could be a post of its own. Underlined (likely will be in my female gaze journal) I think I'm pretty clear about all of these except the one on order vs spontaneity. I still don't think it can hurt to write about them more so that I can have a clear answer with myself. Things that make most people happy: Anything aligned with top values: I could check into this more, Need to make a detailed post. Underlining for now. putting talents and strengths to good use : need to align career with my life purpose developing new skills / training yourself in something meaningful: could do better tbh. doing excellent work : I can confirm this. I can incorporate this into my life more tbh. doing innovative and impactful work : could do better tbh big projects (if ambitious): Still figuring this out being in a leadership position (if that's your thing): need to think of this more. helping others and contributing to the improvement of society: I definitely resonate with this but I'm still figuring out what my contribution looks like. making the most out of your day/life: I feel like I'm on the right track but I can do better. All of the things above has to do with figuring out my life purpose and finding more fulfilling work tbh. I'm still in the process of figuring it out. being out in nature: I could do this more tbh. deep solitude and solo retreats: I do find fulfillment in solitude but I haven't done a solo retreat before. It is a goal though. These are things that make me happy but I feel like I can do more of. Most serious forms of happiness: awakening exploring consciousness psychedelics / mystical experiences consciousness of god / getting to know god: I'm just not ready for these just yet. I want my frontal lobe to form before I do anything weird to my brain neurochemically. Conclusion: I resonated with Leo's video a lot and I feel like I'm over all in the right path to create a happy and fulfilled life. I feel like the little break I took from spirituality was absolutely essential in me finding most of the answers to these questions for myself regarding what it took to make me personally happy. I think one of the biggest things I can do for my happiness is be dedicated to finding my life purpose, aligning my career better with my values, and maintain my current levels of fufillment / quality of life given my habits around living a good life on the day to day. I do think that later on experimenting with psychedelics a little can go a long way. I don't see myself as a potential psychonaut or someone who would use a lot of psychedelics regularly for spiritual purposes given my personal relationship with spirituality. But who knows, maybe that will change with more life experiences lol. I don't see my answers to a lot of these questions as stagnant rather I do see them as what makes me happy in this stage of my life. There are some things that I see that could be more solid than others while there are somethings that I can see as being tweaked over time (Leo talked about burning through karma and comparing the sex drive of a 20 year old vs a 60 year old for example). But over all, I feel like I have a good grasp of who I am and what makes me happy in the moment given my stage of life.

Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.1 Honestly, this is the type of work from Leo that I really feel that he shines in. I really enjoyed this video and took a lot of value from it. (About 24 min to 35 min) Things to think about for yourself Underlined things are things I want to contemplate more about and/or do another journal entry on. Italicized things are things I could do better or more of. determine level of ambition: I think I can be ambitious but not necessarily on career matters. Of course, I care about my career as much as finances are concerned but as of right now in this phase of my life, my ambitions are seen more through the relationships I have, the work I put into myself, and my hobbies/interests. top values: did a whole post on this a while back : degree of socialization necessary / human contact / number of friends : I feel like I'm good with a good handful of friends and having deep conversations with them 2x a month or so depending on what's going on in our lives. I do also like having a significant other and derive a lot of fulfillment from that relationship. I'm not a meditate in the caves kind of person lol. degree of spirituality necessary: I think I have a good handle of spirituality. I'm at a phase where I like learning about spirituality and have it influence my way of thinking and show me where I need to grow. But I don't see it as central to my life and I don't see myself like a yogi of somesort who wants to dedicate her life to sprirituality. degree of novelty/ adventure necessary: I think I need more than what I have now. I'm not sure what the upper limit for that is right now but I do get a good feeling that I'm not the type of person who for example wants to spend their life travelling around because I like having a stability in roots and going deep into a place or experience instead of collecting a number of experiences if that makes sense. how liberal / conservative you are: I think I want to revisit Leo's videos for this one. Underlining so I can remember. order and regimentation vs spontaneity: I feel like I'm getting a good feel for it with my current working conditions. I feel like I could contemplate more on this and write in my journal so I'm underlining for now. sex drive: I have an entire journal dedicated to the subject of me exploring my own sexuality. But as far as sex drive goes, I feel like somewhere between 2x a week and every other week is good. I am open to experimentation to keep things interesting but I don't crave novelty in this area of my life. I also don't think it's super important for me even when I'm in a relationship when it comes to the strength of the relationship. I know that it affects me if I'm not intimate with my partner for a long time and I know it affects him too but it isn't something that affects our relationship all that much since this is one of many other ways we bond. how artistic are you / how much art you need: I don't think I'm super artistic. I used to be at one point in my life and I can see myself delving into that hobby again. But I don't think it's absolutely essential to my happiness. I think since then I have found a different medium that challenges me and that is writing and intellectualizing about video essays I'm interested in. level of risk tolerance: I feel like it's kind of low but this could be skewed due to the pandemic putting me into frugal survival mode. Still figuring this out. masculine/feminine you are: could be a post of its own. Underlined how much solitude you need: I think I can thrive in a good amount of solitude. I do also enjoying my time with people but I think there is a certain threshold that I don't always realize I have passed until I'm by myself again. At the same time, I don't think I can thrive while being completely isolated. I think minimum I need 1-3 people in my life I can talk to on every-other month basis. Maximum, probably doing something social 3-4 times a week. how much time in nature: I don't think that this is super essential to my happiness but it is something that is nice to have access to and enjoy every now and then. I think that exercise is more important. But I need my sunlight lol. how much success, work, and career you need how much impact do you want in the world how much of a leadership role you need how much autonomy do you need : I feel like thse four points I have put in italics are things that I'm still figuring out. how much learning / intellectualism: I think I need to have room to explore my interests. I'm not a huge reader but I do like listening to podcasts and watching video essays and documentaries. If you're young, expose yourself to more experience. If you're older, contemplate on your current experiences and figure it out. (About 50 min to -1 hour) Things that make you miserable that resonated with me I didn't see the point of listing everything out like I did above because I feel like I'm generally on track to build a happy life but there were a handful of things that resonated with me that I jotted down. doing work you find meaningless +unethical work not aligning yourself with your top values wasting your time and life Getting too comfortable + not taking action + stagnation +not working hard I feel like a lot of these points have more to do with me still figuring out my life purpose and not falling into the trap of settling where my life is right now. I do have a good stable life but I could do more when it comes to creating not only a happy life but a fulfilling one. This is a whole post that I have planned but I did write this a few days ago: (About 1 hour 21 min to 1 hour 40 min) Anything aligned with top values: I could check into this more, Need to make a detailed post. Underlining for now. putting talents and strengths to good use : need to align career with my life purpose being useful and productive: I see this in my life and I try to lean into it not necessarily when it comes to work but with other things in my life (taking care of the home, cooking, going to the gym, volunteering, spending time with friends and family, journaling etc.) developing new skills / training yourself in something meaningful: could do better tbh. Anything that makes your mind stronger: I have an outlet in the form of my interests and hobbies. self education, learning, reading, contemplating : Currently doing this at my relatively chill job. physical exercise: I have a good workout routine that I do for the joy of it. creativity / making art: I'm not sure to what extent this applies to me as per my answer in the previous section. doing excellent work : I can confirm this. I can incorporate this into my life more tbh. doing innovative and impactful work : could do better tbh big projects (if ambitious): Still figuring this out being your own boss (if you're entrepreneural and independent minded): I don't see myself as particularly entrepreneural because of how risk averse I can be. But then again it could be me clinging on to my stability. It's something to contemplate more and I think it is something that can change depending on my stage of life. being in a leadership position (if that's your thing): need to think of this more. helping others and contributing to the improvement of society: I definitely resonate with this but I'm still figuring out what my contribution looks like. enough time to rest / relax: I agree to this as a burnt out college student who just graduated. But I do think there is a threshold where it becomes too much and I find myself feeling like a blob to where I crave having something more productive to do. human intimacy, companionship, and friendship: This is really important to me and brings me a lot of fulfillment. Quality over quantity of friends and time spent socializing though. deep conversations: see above. building your family (if you want it): Made a whole post on this a couple posts ago. charity, giving gifts, being nice to people: I'm not a huge gift giving person but I do like spending time with people and hearing about their experiences. setting boundaries with people: I feel that I have a good handle of this top 2 love languages: physical touch and quality time lol flow states: Refer to the post I linked above when talking about my values. meeting challenges: I think it's good for me to have a good mix of short and long term goals. I feel like it gives me some structure and clarity in my life. I can think of a number of challenges I have undertaken that has left me feeling fulfilled from finishing my degree and taking challenging classes, sticking to an exercise routine, working through generational trauma, and writing frequently to name a few. making the most out of your day/life: I feel like I'm on the right track but I can do better. developing confidence through work and experience: I feel like I do this mainly through my relationships, therapy, and my job to an extent. It is satisfying but I think I feel more fulfilled when it manifests in my personal life more than my professional life. exploring life, having new experiences, travel: This is something I'm trying to figure out in regards to how often I feel like it's good for me to travel. cultivating a hobby: I do this already. being out in nature: I could do this more tbh. good food: I do this already both when it comes to cooking for myself, eating out, or enjoying a meal with friends. being healthy, taking care of yourself and treating yourself with respect : I have my little self care routine lol. deep solitude and solo retreats: I do find fulfillment in solitude but I haven't done a solo retreat before. It is a goal though. passion, enthusiasm, inspiration: I feel like I can do better. I have written a couple posts on this in my Coping Under Capitalism series. humor: I can be pretty silly and whimsical in my regular life lol. building your house/ space (decorating, customizing, cleaning) : I am actually looking into this more as I am hoping to move into my own place. And since I work from home 90% of the time, cultivating my surroundings is important to me. I have been on pinterest a lot lately lol. doing philosophy: I'm not super philosophically inclined. I do like thinking critically and empathizing but philosophy just isn't my thing. Sorry Leo lol. developing yourself up the spiral: I have so many posts dedicated to this lol. self actualization / growing yourself : That is already a given. I'm already doing the work wisdom, truth / being aligned with truth / avoiding self deception / integration : this is an ongoing process but it is very important to me. spirtuality / spiritual connection: I already explained my views on spirituality in my life in the previous section. Most serious forms of happiness: awakening exploring consciousness psychedelics / mystical experiences consciousness of god / getting to know god: I'm just not ready for these just yet meditation (if developed sufficiently) : Part of my regular routine for a few years now. loving yourself and falling in love with yourself : Part of my ongoing road of self improvement. being good: I do find fulfillment in growing myself to be a better person and by educating myself on various issues, forms of ethics, and principles while hearing people out on their own experiences. That's a good part of my definition of being good in a nutshell. I do have a very high need to do the right thing and acting with integrity is very important to me. being selfless : Similar to the previous answer. On top of that. I do see myself reaching a point where I have reached so much fulfillment in a well integrated life to where I want to give a lot of my life up to maybe raise a kid. This is something I do think about sometimes.

As far as right wing authoritarianism goes, I know that some of yall are saying that's a strawman to assume that death camps will come from this. Idk it this will be the end game but it is a possibility. Let's not assume that just because it happened in Germany in the 1930s and 40s that something similar can't happen here. Germany back then was still a first world country and did have an educated population. We're not above this as Americans in the 21st century. And while I do agree that fear mongering isn't the answer here, it is important to stay vigilant as these things aren't overnight phenomenon. They gradually progress through policy, rhetoric, and social attitudes. The only way to prevent tragedies like the Holocaust from happening is to take a preventative approach. And rising authortarianism, burning books, and rewriting history are all alarming red flags. There is a pattern that is being repeated. And sure, we don't have exactly the same material conditions as Germany after WWI but while history doesn't exactly repeat itself, it sure does rhyme.

Lets just see what happens before writing a person off. What you're saying does make sense, don't get me wrong. But lets just say weirder things have happened before. Just because you're higher consciousness doesn't mean you can't communicate with people who are lower, You will need to alter the vernacular you use to convey certain ideas so it can resonate. And I think she is doing a good job with that. She isn't leading with her spirituality though you can see its influences in her style of talking. She isn't patronizing or condescending in the way that Liberals and Democrats have a tendency to be with rural and religious voters. And this isn't the first time spirituality interesected with politics in America (think MLK). And while it is new age spirituality instead of Christianity, I think you can still draw similar themes in regard to doing what is right and giving people a good stanadard of living. She is leading with her policies and is emphasizing the need to improve the standard of living, something that many Americans across different spiral stages can resonate with. I think she has the ability to reach out to voters who are not stage green persay but one thing that is stopping her is how people don't really know her like that compared to common characters like Biden and Warren.

Where do I want to live: I remember growing up wanting to live outside of Texas. A lot of it had to do with watching my dad's immigrant experience, how it felt easy in the sense that the US fit him better than Bangladesh did even though he always had a nostalgia and fondness to Bangladesh. I thought that my home town being the only place I thought was home was rather arbitrary. I could have easily been born elsewhere. Patriotism and hometown pride didn't make much sense to me. So I always wanted to have an open mind to the possibilities of other places fitting me better. Then I got to my teens and became more aware of my politics and I was able to contextualize my experiences as a South Asian woman, a Hindu culturally, an agnostic spiritually, and an asexual person. Yeah.... that is quite a combination for someone living in a red state. Not only that, you can add the 2016 election and the presidency of Donald Trump to the mix which made my coming of age story rather angsty for a justified reason. I wanted to escape to a blue state so baddly. I felt that places like New York City, LA, Chicago, San Francisco would fit me so much better. It was also a feeling of safety combined with a sense of belonging due to me correlating my values to my politics that I associated with mainly blue areas. And to my huge dismay at the time, I didn't end up going to college in any of those blue states. Rather I ended up going to a very conservative school in Texas. I remember feeling extremely out of place there and struggling to make friends. The pandemic later on certainly didn't help. But eventually, I feel that my college experience ended on a good note with me finding friends and groups of people I resonated with. Since then, I have been more critical of the choice of moving. I have finally found my community here and I have some solid relationships that I hope to maintain. I have found a good deal of stability in my current job. I yearned for this kind of stability through the pandemic. I feel that after the disappointment of my college admissions and how my first year or so played out academically and socially, I think I gained this sort of learned helplessness that made me feel that no matter how hard I tried I would be stuck here in Texas. The pandemic also made me significantly more risk adverse and "realistic." I put this in quotes because while I am more critical of factors involved with moving out of Texas, or Dallas in a matter of fact, I think it can be limitting at times to where it crosses the line from realistic to cynical. As I've been healing my inner child, I eventually found myself in the territory of healing my inner teenager which referrs to the part of me that wants to go on an adventure, start over, and find a place that I belong. I found myself last night envisioning my future from a sense of excitement thinking of all of the possibilities instead of getting into an anxiety spiral for the first time in years. I feel that it was different though this time. I find myself not having the same thirst for belonging and the impulse of being hasty in this matter because I have a solid friend group and significant other here. I have found places in Dallas that makes that inner teenager feel at home from random little coffee shops to various restaurants and parks downtown to the place I work and the place I volunteer at. I still see the merit of starting over and going to a new city because I think that it can grow me immensely. But in my mind, a city is a city in the end of the day and there are somethings that a lot of cities have in common due to the nature of city life. Nevertheless, here are somethings that I'm taking into consideration: Walkable City: Walkability is something that's really important for me because I feel like it makes things more accessible and its good for the physical and social well being of people. You get more exercise in and you interact with the community and surroundings more than if you were isolated in your own pod in a car. It's one of the things that I enjoyed the most about my college experience and when I travelled abroad. Also, I'm not into driving like that and ideally I would have driving as something that I can do for convenience but not necessarily something I would rely on. I also realized once I got to college that I didn't necessarily want to live in NYC rather I just wanted diversity and walkability. Speaking of which: Diverse area (culturally and socioeconomically): I feel that I gained a lot from living in a relatively diverse suburb which I took for granted (since this was the only life I had known) until I went to a very wealthy and white area for college. I think that there is a lot of ways that I educate myself by engaging with a wide variety of people. If I were to have kids, this is something that I would prioritize. Can be in US or NZ (NZ if I want kids): I think I'm content with moving elsewhere within the US given my current job and how stable it is. It's good for supporting myself. NZ on the other hand would be a step further since the stability is guranteed in the country rathe than contingent on my current job . By that I mean they have universal health care and affordable college. I have been fortunate enough to not deal with college debt and have a job that has excellent health insurance but it is something that would become all the more important once I have a kid. My main appeal with NZ is how it's not very capitalistic and that relative to the US they just have their shit together but I'm currently working in place that is relatively chill compared to the rest of corporate America and I have a pretty stable life for myself. Relatively affordable (need to get a better job): I don't know if I need to reevaluate my relationship with money or get a job that pays better but the thought of paying $2500 in rent in a place like NYC just gives me anxiety even if I was in a position to afford something like that. I do feel that most cities are generally higher in cost of living but I feel like this is one of those things that Dallas does right. A place where my career / life purpose can thrive: I think that this is more important than me finding a place where I can "find my own people" mainly because if I'm in a city of millions of people, I'm pretty sure I can resonate with atleast a handful of people. I feel confident in my ability to make friends and find common ground with people because I've been dropped in situations where finding like minded people have been an uphill battle for me due to an area's culture. But I think what can differ more from place to place is what kinds of industries thrive and pay well. I feel like I would have a better idea as to what this looks like as I figure out my career and life purpose more in the same way I feel that I have figured out my social life better. Some natural beauty and things to do physical activity wise: I am finding out more and more how much physical activity means to me and how much I enjoy it. From having a 3 hour bike tour in Amsterdam, to frequently going on hikes at my near by nature reserve, and relaxing by the lake, while I enjoy being in a city, I do also like having the space to do other noncity related activities. The things I listed above are much more preferred over large social gatherings and a thriving nightlife, shopping opportunities, and eating at fancy restaurants. (so maybe SanFran > NYC if we're just going off of stereotypes lol)

Thoughts on Having a Kid This is something that I have caught myself thinking about a lot lately. I feel rather ambiguous about the thought of having a kid. I know that I don't want kids because I feel like having more than one is a lot to handle financially and emotionally, and also as an only child who doesn't know how sibling dynamics work, the thought of navigating that with multiple children seems wild to me. Also, if I do decide to give birth, I'm not doing that shit more than once. It seems traumatic. I also feel that you are no more of a mother whether you have 1 kid or +5, in the end of the day. So my question is, is motherhood for me? I have journaled about this in the past. I do still stand by much of what I wrote here (points 2-5, 7, and 8) but as for point 1 and 6, I feel like I want to challenge that a little bit. I feel like I have grown significantly since the last time I have written this and my life circumstances are very different. I am in a healthy and loving relationship which has made me think that maybe I have what it takes to raise well adjusted adults since often times, the qualities that make a good partner also makes a good parent. I'm also in a job that is stable and has descent benefits so I think in a few years time I would be financially equiped to have a kid in a dual income scenario. I'm sure in a few years I will be able to have a career that aligns with my life purpose. And as a result, I think that can fulfill much of what I have written about the moving parts of being a good mother (point 6) since I have the other aspects down. I'm still hung up on how much I would enjoy motherhood. I wouldn't say that I'm wanting a kid out of this expectation that it's going to be enjoyable and just sunshine and rainbows as most women are led to believe, rather it is this drive towards fulfillment. I do want to work on something in my personal life long term that will bring a lot of fufillment and the process of socializing a kid, guiding a kid, and raising them to be a good person is something that resonates with me since I feel that my life purpose has to do with understanding and improving the human condition. But at the same time, I wonder if having a kid is the best way of going about actualizing this purpose. Part of me wants a kid because I want to give them the parent and the conditions that my parents weren't able to give me. I wrote about this in the post I linked above: And I wonder if this is my own form of maternal energy or if this is a toxic reason for having a kid. But then again, what are some good reasons for having kids? I don't think I have a good answer for that. I'm also wary about my own social and biological conditioning playing into this. For the vast majority of history, motherhood was something that was expected and something that just happened to you. And now that we have a choice, I want to make the most of it by making a well informed and well contemplated choice even if it is to have a kid. But I still wonder how biased I can be when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have noticed lately that I have the tendency to make plans well off into the future and have the notion of being a mom be a given. And I don't know how much of that is me low key wanting to be a parent or if it is just the social conditioning. I was also talking to my boyfriend about a few things on how we see our futures turning out. He did mention that he is completely against having a kid. I will be honest, while I'm not totally on the having kids train, that answer did give me a little bit of the ick and I do catch myself thinking about how long term this relationship could be because the last thing I want to do is waste someone's time. But now, I feel like I'm in a position where I'm pretty sure that I have what it takes to be a good mom. But the question is, is this something I genuinely want to do in the first place? Like just because you have what it takes to be a lawyer, doesn't mean that you want to be a lawyer or that you would derive joy, fulfillment, or any other kind of satisfaction from it. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should or that you want to. So I'll be making a short bullet pointed list with little elaboration so that I don't spin my head into confusion from overthinking. Yes: I feel like I could be a good mother. I want to be that guiding and caring role for another human being and watch him/her grow as a person. Raising a kid seems like a long term goal in my personal life that would be fulfilling to me because it is a way I can understand and improve the human condition. No: Material conditions: the world is a mess and money can be an issue I think my desire to have a kid might not be coming from a 100% healthy place (wanting to have kids to be the parent that I didn't have) I'm scared that motherhood would drain me and that I would hate motherhood even if I love my kid. I'm also scared of being pregnant and giving birth. While this is something that has been on my mind, it isn't something that I feel rushed to figure out. If I decide to have a kid, that's not a decision I'm making until I'm in my 30s. I have like 7-10 years left to figure this area of my life out.

I think that Marianne Williamson and Dr. K from Healthy gamer are really good people to look at when trying to figure out how to engage with people from a stage yellow lens. I find that while I am able to understand and empathize with people from different stages rather than getting immediately triggered as a stereotypical stage green person, I'm not the best at guiding conversation in a productive, stage yellow way. And part of it has to do with not encountering many examples of what that looks like. I think that talking to the other stages is a skill of its own and not all stage yellow person has this. I think you see this more in places like a group of liscenced therapist where even though they might not be trained or even aware of SD, they are still trainined to deescalate and talk to peopel from a wide range of development stages. I do recognize that to engage with some populations, like the really reactive right, there is a need to be trained to handle certain dynamics and types of situtions. And personally, as a standard layperson, it can be difficult to apply those skills to your life when you don't have that kind of access to that kind of training. As a result, I have been taking the road of disengaging in situations I know I will likely make worse. But I think examples like Williamson can be an indicator of things that I can apply and implement so that I won't have to disengage as often.

I have watched both of these videos. I really liked the video that Emerald linked here and I want to share a video by Vaush that was released prior to Williamson announcing her run. I think that the video from Vaush was for me personally when I started paying attention to Williamson and her overall political takes. I found them to be quite insightful and I find myself resonating with most of what she has said. Electibility aside, I think she is an amazing candidate and she comes across charismatic in the way that she is so well integrated. I believe that she can reach out to a lot of religious and rural voters because of her authetenticity. A lot of Democrats/Liberals/Leftists can come off as quite condescending and elitist because they write of religious and rural voters, and honestly a lot of people in red states, as these backwards, uneducated hicks who deserve to die in a snowstorm. I think part of Williamson's tact and charisma is that she is able to communicate this progressive message without sounding like a fucking know it all about it. And as a lefist from Texas who doesn't have the luxury to isolate myself with other leftists and rather have had practice in communicating and engaging with people who are much further right than I am, the way that she engages with those topics and also call out the hypocrysy in leftist and liberal circles all while having a back bone to her critics is a breath of fresh air at the least. I think it's admirable the way that she carries herself in these divisive times and personally, I think that I can learn a lot from someone like her. As of right now, she is the only Democrat who is confirmed to be running in 2024. Biden hasn't said anything yet. So depending on how this all unfolds, that can change on the likelihood of her winning from what it is now. I think it would be unfair to flat out say that she doesn't have a chance and not look into what she stands for. I understand that due to the last couple elections, Clinton v, Trump and Trump v. Biden that it's easy to be cynical and focus on who is more electible rather than who is a great leader. And that is valid considering the situation that we've been. My opinion is that during the primaries that you can vote for whomever you think is the best leader and then depending on the outcome, say if your desired canditate doesn't get into the final round, then vote based on electibility rather than voting third party just because you want that to come true.

I feel like I have a pretty good life and that I'm in a very solid place right now. I also know a few ways here and there than can take my satisfaction and fulfillment to the next level. Align my career with my life purpose Move to a place outside of the US in a walkable area Prioritize travel and excitement in life Find friends who align with my interests + build upon my current relationships One day get married to my ideal partner Might or might not have a kid