soos_mite_ah

Cyncism and Desensitization I feel like the Palestinian genocide is really easy to get desensitized from and a variety of factors are at play. Violence in the Middle East is normalized to where people think it's the norm. Black and Brown people are dehumanized. We are living in a time where we are worn out from unprecedented times from pandemics, to the cost of living crisis, the insurrection, rise in facsism, mass shootings etc.... After continuously viewing violent content, part of your brain shuts off because there is only so much it can handle especially in late-stage capitalism where whether you like it or not, you're expected to carry on regardless of how you feel and where you are in processing grief. And I don't think you're a bad person to get desensitized because that's our brain's way of coping and surviving. However, just because you are numb and/or desensitized, that doesn't give you an excuse to be insensitive to other people who are still very much dealing with difficult emotions. It doesn't give you an excuse to be complacent and reinforce this as the status quo. It doesn't give you an excuse to check out mentally. Like it's one thing to pace yourself with the content you are consuming but it's another thing to just get off social media because you can't handle it. And I understand the necessity to take care of yourself and your mental health but you gotta ask yourself where is that coming from and to what extent your "mental health/self care" contributes to or goes against caring for your community. Because lets be real, there are real systemic issues at play and you can't self care and bubble bath and meditate your way out of the shitty feelings. If you want to get serious about mental health, you need to be serious about community care. Because there is only so much "coping" can do, even if it's in a healthy way, when the actual issue is not being addressed. Let's not employ some toxic positivity nonsense here. You should see these images and be disturbed. You should feel horrified at what's happening in the world and question what it is you're doing with your life. This should be depressing. And these negative emotions aren't symptoms of mental illness, because in order to be mentally ill, you need to be having irrational thoughts and reactions that you need to unpack in order to be functioning properly. These negative emotions aren't mental illness, they are a rational and empathetic reaction to a fucked up situation and they need to be felt and processed, and basically you need to do anything except turn your head and distract yourself from the situation at hand. Cynicism and sarcasm isn't revolutionary, it's the path of least resistance for edgy chan lords. It doesn't imply maturity or deep and abiding morality. Bravery is sincerity that comes from not letting the harshness of the world close you off from human connection. We don't have the luxury to be hopeless. Palestine sure doesn't. And while the violent imagery can humanize the suffering that is taking place, we need to be careful so that this desensitization doesn't turn these people, especially the journalists into background noise, or worse, a spectacle where they are auditioning for our empathy in the face of your priviledged hopelessness and cynicism.

Boycott Fatigue I saw a couple of posts of people talking about boycott fatigue and even more people talking about how boycott fatigue is absolute bs. And I just had some thoughts about it. I think it's valid for people to feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff they need to boycott. There is a long list of companies that support Israel and even if they don't support it, their parent company does or somewhere along their supply chain there is something fishy ethically. And imo, I feel like there is only so much boycotting can do since th alternatives also only do so much as far as harm reduction goes. Like I saw that Shein was pro-Palestine and I mean... I guess that's good but I'm not about to start shopping there because of their labor exploitation and their laundry list of issues. I know this is only one example but it leads me to the phrase "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism." What "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism" means is that even if you are trying to do good, the system is pretty fucked and there is only so much good you can do in an unjust system that not only deinsentivizes ethical consumption, but sometimes doesn't give you ethical choices to begin with. Now, this phrase isn't intended to make people doomer and hopeless about the situation rather it is to make you more aware of the systemic situation rather than thinking that everything rests on your individual decisions and consumption. We are not going to consume our way out of capitalism and as a result, it's important to be more mindful of your consumption and take what you need instead of falling into hyper consumerism where you have like 5 different Stanley cups and you go feral about the newest iPhone. I get that we can't boycott everything and live in a forrest but decreasing your consumption is one way of living that helps. Like unfortuantely, we need electronics to function in society nowadays and we can't fully get rid of them because of the genocide in Congo which is largely happening because of cobalt mining. However, we can decrease our consumption by not buying new shit every year and make things stretch for years. At the same time, some of yall are mad annoying. It's one thing to feel overwhelmed by the long list of things to boycott because they support a genocide but it's another thing to be pressed because it's been 3 weeks since you got your chicken nuggies from McDonalds or your mediocre coffee from Starbucks. Like some people are really willing to support something but are so spineless to where their support wanes from a minor inconvenience. And honestly, that speaks to a lot of people's lack of integrity and self control. Like if you can't boycott 3 companies after it being narrowed down from 50 to make things easier and make the boycotts more focussed and effective especially when there are plenty of substitutes that are there for times when you really want to cave....I don't even know what to say other than y'all are the weakest link.

Materialism I wrote about a couple months ago about being in a more materialistic phase of my life. And I know it hasn't been super long since I was feeling this way and this phase feels a bit short lived but I think I can see myself exiting this sometime soon. I say this because I feel like I scratched most of my itches materialistically as far as my life style goes. I've got myself some new, nicer clothes I have been needing and some furniture for my apartment to fulfill my Pinterest perfect dreams. I also got more comfortable with spending money and keeping up with my expenses now that I know that I can effortlessly afford most of the things I want and need with plenty of savings left over. I generally have good mental health, friends, and a solid lifestyle in terms of taking care of myself. I eat good food that I'm satisfied with and I have a comfortable place to lay my head. My life on an individual level feels very close to perfect. Sure there are a couple things I would like to splurge on here and there but it isn't anything that I find myself lusting over if that makes sense. This is a thought that I've had for a few months but I feel like even though I have a happy life individually, it doesn't take long for me to notice my surroundings at large or at the lives of the people in my life that collectively times are fucking awful. And I think I feel this 10x more with the genocide that's happening. I have like 90% of everything that I could ever want at least materialistically speaking. And I wouldn't say I live super lavishly. I would say that I have a decent life style and peace of mind that everyone deserves to have however very few do. Not to be cliche, but that leaves me feeling kind of empty about the whole thing after a certain point. Sure, I get a lot of happiness and fulfillment from how I have my own place but I can't help but think of and see the growing homeless population for example and have that affect my individual sense of happiness. Work especially has been feeling particularly vapid. Granted I never had a fulfilling job in the first place even though it was something that allowed me to find fulfillment else where in my life via work life balance and it was something that came easy to me and that I was good at. It just feels so strange to be doing my pointless job and occassionally get yelled at by a client about check numbers while there is a genocide happening in an open air concentration camp. And no one acknowledges what is happening. I felt like I was denying a part of my humanity by trying to push through and continue on my regular life as if nothing is happening a couple weeks ago. I feel pretty unmotivated and annoyed at my job because of everything that is happening. And even though my job is such a big blessing, honestly, if I end up being let go because of the pro-Palestine posts I have been making, then so be it (I doubt that would happen knowing my work environment but I'm taking this hypothetical into consideration since I know of people who got warnings and/or got fired for saying things that were pro-Palestine). I don't want to work somewhere that doesn't align with my basic values even with all of the comforts and resources it provides because in the end of the day, the job I have is not something I want to do for the rest of my life and rather it is a stepping stone/ foundation of what I want to do later on which is something in journalism. And if I get let go now or I leave 2 ish years from now, it won't make a difference in so far of my general direction I want to take my life in (obviously I prefer to hold on for another couple of years to gain more stability but either way I will still be pushing for a transition industrially sooner or later). I don't regret structuring my life as such over the past year because I think the stability gave me a lot of peace of mind so that I can figure out what I want from life. But especially given what's happening right now and how I've scratched a lot of my materialistic itches already, I genuinely don't give a fuck of getting additional material comforts. Of course I think it's valid to advocate for myself so that i can maintain my current standard of living and continue putting money aside for investments and other financially responsible things but I don't care about making more money for anything beyond those reasons. I don't care about upgrading my life because I already feel materially fulfilled. The void I'm experiencing now isn't coming from my individual life rather it's coming from what's happening in the collective. It's coming from things that I can't self care and self improvement my way out of rather it's something I want to improve through my work and things I find fulfilling. I think this video ties a lot of these things together and I also want to do another post on this but I'm just going to leave this here for now.

Some Spiritual Thoughts I have been I suppose exercising a nondual train of thought because I feel like I resonates with it me an my values and because of how much peace and empathy it has brought me. I want to describe that a little bit more here today using the context of my processing of the Palestinian genocide. I wouldn't say that I have experienced god myself. I've just been trying this thing out for the past 2 years where I have taken some of the interesting ideas I have heard from Leo and from my class Understanding the Self: Eastern and Western Perspectives in regards to what God and Consciousness is and how I can embody that more. Nonduality and Consciousness We are all part of one consciousness and there is no separation between my consciousness and the consciousness of others. There is this illusion of separation, of duality, because nonduality is all encompassing, meaning it also contains duality as paradoxical as it can seem. The consciousness I have is no different than the consciousness of a Palestinian infant who has lost their family and is the sole survivor. It's no different from the IDF soldier posting thirst traps on TikTok. It's no different from the bystander in Germany who is going about life as if nothing is happening and it's no different from the consciousness of a person in the U.S. who has family in Gaza. And I think embodying this thought more allows me to view everyone as more human and even if they are not human still part of the same on consciousness, thus opening me up to more empathy and understanding because in the end of the day, it is all me. I am not my name, my body, the things I own, the things I experience, or the things I feel. All of that is relative to my material conditions. When you strip everything away, I am the consciousness. And if consciousness is God, I am God. And if consciousness is everything, then I am everything. And when you see yourself in everything, you walk with much more gentleness and empathy than if you were to separate yourself from creation. God is Everything If consciousness is in everything and everyone, and consciousness in each person is God's way of experiencing reality and his creation from infinite perspectives, why does god create atrocities like genocide? It's because consciousness, unlike ego, isn't motivated by survival as it know it's infinite. God created the Palestinian mother who lost everything because it wants to know what it's like to live that life from it's very conception to it's very end to fully understand and embody it. It's also how God becomes/is all knowing, because God lives in all perspectives. It's hard for our human ego to imagine why God would let such atrocities happen and let creation suffer as so because even the best of us have great difficulty to abandon survival fully to where we would be content being bombed indiscriminately in the same way that it's content living in a luxury penthouse apartment. God's desire to experience has no bounds because in nonduality all there is is consciousness. and therfore it embodies infinite forms of love. And if God is everything and is infinite, meaning it is boundless, there is nothing stopping it from creating boundaries and challenges, and individual egos. God loves the mass shooter and wants to experience reality from it's perspective in the same way that God has boundless love towards the victims of the shooting. To love is to take the interest of another as your own and the deepest way to do that is embodiment. And because God is infinite love, it loves even the ugliest parts of existance that is hard for any regular person's ego to accept, much less embody. Reincarnation And the whole bit about how when we die and consciousness stops, there might be a void but since there is nothing else to do, God comes back and continues to experience and embody infinite forms of consciousness, I believe explains reincarnation as well. I believe that it explains reincarnation in a nonlinear way. I might be soos_mite_ah in this life but maybe in my next life I'll be Harriet Tubman. Maybe in my next life I will be born as my mother, my best friend, or maybe a random person 500 years into the future. God will eventually experience every life and then keep doing it tenfold for an infinite amount of times for an infinite duration of time. And this experiences how God is all knowing as well because God has experience every perspective. For example, I can crack open a history book and know the general life story of Harriet Tubman from the point of view that consciousness is experiencing from soos_mite_ah. When consciousness is experiencing Harriet Tubman, it won't know her whole life story from beginnning to end as it did in its past life it experienced centuries into the future. But it will know the day to day minutia and embody the experiences that Harriet Tubman had from birth to death and even the forgotten points in between. Consciousness is all knowing because it has experienced Harriet Tubman for example in everyway possible. Everything in linear time has already happened and is happening simultaneously. It just doesn't seem so because of the way consciousness limits itself to take everything in. I bring this up because I guess a nondual practice I have to experience more empathy is to imagine that everyone I meet is a different part of consciousness and that I have experienced or yet to experience consciousness from their perspective. The thousands of people who have died in Gaza are a thousand different past or future lives my consciousness has experienced. And I imagine it as if I am the one who experienced these first hand atrocities, one because on a certain level I have, but two it helps my ego exercise a nondual mindset. And if that empathy feels like it's too much to bear and that it's too painful and horrific, I remind myself that God wanted to experience this from a high level because God isn't as limited as I, the ego, am with the desire for comfort and safety. And this experience gives me a visceral experience of empathy followed by a sense of peace where even though I haven't embodied God's love, that I get it to a certain extent theoretically. It's very humbling and grounding I would say. The whole point of life is to experience and that is exactly what consciousness does indiscriminantly. And the more we align ourself to fully experience, the good, bad the ugly, and fully embody both being completely present to where we even accept the experiences we have where we're not present, the less resistance we face because we are in line with the one fact in the universe, that consciousness is everything and is here to experience everything. I really hope all of this doesn't sound like spiritual rambling.

My Understanding of What is Going On I had a rough idea as to what was going on in Palestine from my classes, specifically in my human rights classes, but I wouldn't say that I was well versed in it. I made much more of an effort in figuring out what was happening and I discussed this matter with a friend who specialized in this region as an international relations major. I got her seal of approval and I think I have a decent grasp as to what is happening right now. I made a little slide show since my friend and I didn't have much time to talk this out. That way she could take in the info in her own time and then give me feed back accordingly. I shared this with others and basically I think this is straight forward and easy to understand so I wanted to include it in my journal (also, I'm proud of my work). But unfortunately, I don't have enough space left in my attachments to add this file to my journal so I'm going to try to improvize. What about the U.S.: The U.S. gives Israel billions to fund their military. But why? The far right religious nut cases believe that having Jewish people in the Promise Land will bring the rapture and the second coming of Christ sooner. The Democrats love saying that “it’s complicated” in order to continue protecting their hegemony in the Middle East Both parties treat Israel as a giant military base and pawn to negotiate with other middle eastern countries for “strategic military and economic reasons.” No bitch, it’s imperialism. They love saying that they are doing this to preserve Israel as the only democracy in the Middle East but let’s be real, it’s a lie to make us feel better about ourselves and make us look like we care about the well being of the people around us when we clearly don’t given the way Palestinians are treated. Plus, it’s not our place to impose our standard of government to other people as that can cause even more instability in an area. We are not the world’s police force Basically, the U.S. is the hot Cheeto girl of the international community who loves to pick fights at 7:55 am after guzzling Brisk Lemonade. (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J7wlUtrxZc) See unlike Cassie (Israel), Maddie (the U.S.) still has friends. Those friends are afraid of the U.S. to a certain degree because they know how volatile the U.S. can be and don’t want to get on their bad side. No one likes Cassie but the other countries keep their mouths shut because or else that’s like social suicide. Everyone talks shit about Cassie amongst themselves because Cassie is a messy bitch. The Rhetoric: Genocidal Rhetoric Genocidal Sentiments: Note, while there are genocidal sentiments on both sides, this isn’t some all lives matter shit. Israel is significantly more powerful because of global backing and military power therefore they harbor most of the responsibility Genocidal Rhetoric: Palestine Palestine : After being subjected to violence and a lack of food, water, and electricity and general instability, it’s understandable that some Palestinians have wanted to retaliate against Israel. When you have been destabilized for so long and you have seen generations worth of violence, you become desensitized to it and it becomes a valid way of dealing with your problems because that’s what’s been modeled to you and you have already lost so much to where sacrificing yourself and killing others doesn’t seem like a big deal. Enter Hamas: When some people get so desperate and feel so powerless, they resort to joining terrorist groups and adopting extremist forms of religion as a way to gain back a sense of control. Hamas is not a group of principled freedom fighters, they are terrorists and they also terrorize Palestinians. They are an Islamofacist group. Israel loves Hamas because it helps the villainize and further demonize/dehumanize the Palestinian civilians and it emboldens the Israeli far right. There have been other groups that have tried to help Palestine by using more moderate and secular means, but they have been destroyed and bombed. However, Israel kept Hamas around because they are easy to blame and because it will hurt the optics of Palestanian liberation if that liberation gets conflated with a terrorist group Basically, messy bitches love other messy bitches so that they can set each other up and not people who are actually trying to help in a constructive because nonmessy people won’t play stupid games to win stupid prizes. Genocidal Rhetoric: Israel Israel has also been subjected to violence though not in the same scale as Palestinians. The Israeli citizens aren’t inherently genocidal monsters rather they have been subjected to decades of right wing propaganda. Israeli citizens are also required to serve in the IDF for two years and this further reinforces the need to militarize and contribute to the cause for every citizen. It reinforces the propaganda. There is also a whole thing with birth right trips that are funded by the state which are basically indoctrination vacations to draw people in for the relocation / settler projects to further displace Palestinians The Israeli government loves to conflate Jewish people with Zionism and Israel. Therefore, if you make any critiques, you’re labeled as an anti-semite because critiquing them = critiquing all Jewish people They also want to conflate all Palestinians with Hamas to justify the slaughter. They are willing to frame the murder of civilians as them fighting through a human shield. This makes the citizens seem like an extension of Hamas and absolves the IDF of any responsibility of killing people because it’s framed as if it’s Hamas’s fault that these citizens were in the line of fire even though they were intending to go in and murder civilians anyway. The killing is framed as a necessary evil or it’s framed as something Hamas did to Palestine. You can be pro-Palestine Liberation and not support Hamas. Killing civilians is never ok for either side. It’s one thing if a civilian is in the line of fire but it’s another thing to target civilians specifically. This is to both Hamas and IDF. I’m not going to be cherry picking who my critique applies to What Hamas did was fucked up and using the name of revolution for some men to enact their sick and twisted rape fantasies is taking the revolution’s name in vain. It also emboldens Israel’s far right and it isn’t surprising that Israel is acting the way they are given their track record. The Palestinian people don’t deserve to suffer because of Hamas and we need to focus on the genocide that is taking place now rather than hyperfocusing on Hamas. Hyperfocusing on Hamas and not having any systemic critique does more harm than good in terms of Palestinian support and further strengthens Islamophobic sentiments. It made me uncomfortable when people tried to frame the initial atrocities that Hamas committed as an example of Palestinians fighting for freedom. This is because Palestinians deserve better than Hamas, an Islamofacist terrorist group, and because the Israeli government loves shit like this because it strengthens their propaganda and support for genocide as we are seeing now. I’m upset that I’m right about this but I’m glad I didn’t jump the band wagon of misinformed advocacy early on because I think a lot of Americans didn’t know what Hamas was or what they were supporting but knew that they didn’t like the state of Israel and colonization. This specific point is for all of the people who were trying to justify killing, raping, and taking Israeli citizens as hostages as “you can’t tell indigenous people how to fight oppression and express how they are unheard.” I agree with that but it doesn’t mean that you take it out on CIVILLIANS. Combatants and soldiers, yes but not civilians. You can criticize Israel and Zionism without being hateful towards Jews. Because people can’t grasp these points, there have been hate crimes towards Jewish people and Muslims in the U.S. and people saying all types of dumb shit because of how liberal identity politics hyper focusses on religion rather than looking at the material conditions and ideologies of each parties. There are also a group of Nazis that just like Zionists, conflate all Jewish people and Zionism and the state of Israel as a way to demonize Jewish people. There are also Nazis that love Israel because the concept of an ethnostate and genocide appeals to them. It’s Anti-Semetic to assume all Jewish people are Zionists in the same way that it’s Islamophobic to assume all Muslim people are jihadists/terrorists/Islamofacists. The Rhetoric: Religious Conflict: Religious conflict are rarely solely about religious text alone. It usually has to do with colonialism. The conflict between Northern and Southern Ireland are often framed as a conflict between Protestants and Catholics. It however originated from British colonization and was a territorial dispute. The Hindu and Muslim conflict in South Asia (Pakistan, India, and Bangladesh) has its roots to British colonization and how the British tried to divide and conquer the population so that they won’t rise up against the colonization. Similarly, the Israeli Occupation is due to the U.K. not knowing how to mind their own business. You don’t need to understand the details of the religious doctrine (if anything that can potentially cause you lose the forest for the trees). You need to understand the power dynamics that are involved. The Rhetoric: Religious Nationalism: So Israel and India are besties because they both hate Muslim people and because they have similar ideologies regarding religious nationalism. Wanting a homeland for their religious group and kick everyone else out. Honest to god, just die mad about it. That’s my stance. Like I’m sorry you don’t have a homeland but you can’t just kick people out and ethnically cleanse them. I don't care what you went through, no one deserves an ethnostate Painting this as a conflict that has been going on for centuries even though this isn’t accurate. This makes the conflict seem inherent thus causing people to not try to resolve it thus reinforcing the status quo. They also want you to forget about the past where people got along because that will conflict with their world view and how people can move past such differences. They overemphasize religious differences and segregate communities so that it’s easier to pit people against each other and ignore the real problem which is colonialism. Segregation aids in dehumanization because if you aren’t seeing a population face to face, it’s easier to paint narratives about the people you are segregated from since you aren’t interacting with them regularly and see that they are just like every other person you come across. They continue to paint themselves as the victims even though they have most of the power in the dynamic (though this isn’t a religious nationalism thing, it’s a fascism thing generally speaking). bUT iT’S comPliCaTEd!!!! : Yes and No No it’s not complicated: We insist on complicating things in the U.S. so that people can shut down and because things get complicated when you try to mix the U.S. messy self interest and try to fulfill that while reconciling the occupation. It’s kind of like when Cassie was being held accountable for fucking Nate but she kept saying that “it’s complicated” and “we weren’t girl friend and boyfriend” in order to make herself look and feel better. You can spin this however you want but the fact of the matter is that Gaza have been cut off from food, water and electricity and thousands have died from bombs and the people have nowhere left to go other than to die from the explosions or die from a lack of food and water. Hamas has left the chat and now innocent civilians who cannot fight back are paying the price. This isn’t a war because you need two combatting sides. Israel is the aggressor and they are committing a genocide right now. It’s not morally complicated. Genocide is bad. Colonization and displacement is bad. But because there is a lot of pro-Israeli propaganda, the media makes it difficult to frame this situation as colonization and loves to paint any anti-Zionists as Anti-semetic, thus shutting down all critique and making the clear facts blurry. While this isn’t a morally complicated, yes this situation is logistically complicated when it comes to solutions. Previously there was a debate between a one state solution, where the area is all one country, and a two state solution where you have an Israel and a Palestine. The two state solution is obviously not working since Israel is committing war crimes. The one state solution poses additional challenges on how to structure the government after the intervention, where the settlers will go (since especially if they were born there and Israel is all they know it’s fucked up to tell them to leave), where will the Palestinians go, and how tf everyone will live together with all of the genocidal rhetoric going on. You don’t want to integrate Palestinians into a burning house full of Zionists where they will be hate-crimed on the daily. Also fascism is a problem. While I’m not super well versed in the international relations in the Middle East, I’m sure whatever solution that is proposed has its own power dynamic shifts to take into consideration that are legitimate and aren’t rooted in U.S. or imperial self interests.

Palestine I'm going to have a series of post on Palestine in this journal. I have a bunch of things I want to write about and I jotted it down in a sticky note and I'm going to write about it while probably adding more to the list since this is an on going thing.

What about gay people lol? Also if I were to compare myself to when I was single to now since I've been in a relationship, I wouldn't say that I felt more like a woman since enterring the relationship. I do agree that hyper independence can be a problem and that it's natural to want to have human connection, platonic or otherwise. But I wouldn't say that being in a romantic relationship is somehow more gender affirming lol.

22 22 felt rushed. I came back to school after taking a break and due to the pandemic, it felt like I blinked and two years flew by. I wrote this on the days leading up to my 22nd birthday: I feel like 22 was filled with a variety of new experiences from my internship, to my new romantic relationship, to my friends and I doing stupid shit around campus, to travelling etc. It felt like I was making up for lost time. I felt a bit rushed at the beginning but towards the end, I felt better and I walked into 23 feeling like the age fit me well. 21 21 felt pretty awful. I don't think I need to expand on that much. It felt like I was starting from square 1 after having to live with my parents during the pandemic. It felt like a misfit. I spent most of 21 feelling stunted and not feeling 21 at all. 20 20 felt hopeful at first. I felt like I sorted through a lot of bullshit through therapy and that I was starting a new chapter in my life. I was also a little intimidated with starting my 20s. It felt like a big age. But it was a challenge that I felt ready to handle. Then the pandemic came in and I felt like my development was arrested, making the year feel like a gigantic fail. 19 19 felt contemplative. I sorted through a lot of things mentally and I was thinking about where to go from here. I didn't have much but I had peace of mind which was the most priceless thing. I spent a lot of time in therapy and developping myself at 19. 18 18 felt stressful. I was wrapping up my senior year of high school and I was stessing about classes. I was stressed about college applications and later on how I didn't get into any of the colleges I wanted to go to. I was stressed about a situationship. And basically, I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like the stress aged me 10 years. I also found a couple gray hairs during this time which was something. I also felt a lot of pressure to get my shit together and be an adult. 17 17 felt very dreamy. I went through a whole process of reinventing myself and I spent a lot of time envisioning what my future was going to look like, from all of the things that I have to look forward to all the way to all of the things that I was nervous about figuring out. I felt a sense of pressure to have my life figured out by 18 because of the adults around me. It also felt like a weird age because 14 and 20 were the same age difference apart and they felt drastically different. I felt like I was developing at a reasonable but fast pace, like every age is so different from the last. 16 16 felt like a constant existential crisis. I started that year wanting to kill myself and then later in the year my grandmother died which made me re-evaluate various things, causing me to have existential crisis, reinvent myself, and get clear on my values. Also, poltics at this time did not help. 16 felt like a bad coming of age movie. 15 15 felt very new. I was starting high school in a place where I didn't know a soul. I felt kind of lonely at this time since some people had friends they knew for years and I didn't. I also discovered that I was in an unhealthy relationship with my parents so that was something I really had to come to terms with. It also felt like my entire life was ahead of me and that I didn't know what to do but I did know that I didn't want to fuck up. 14 14 felt like the expanding mind meme. I look back at my old journals from that time and I cringe a little because it feels like I was talking as if I discovered critical thinking and emotional depth for the first time. I was just having an existential crisis lol. 13 13 felt insecure. I was insecure about my looks, my intellect, my personality etc. I had my relationship with my family be really rocky at this time and I developed an eating disorder and internalized a lot of colorism during this time. I also wasn't around the best group of people at this time. I felt like a magnent to a lot of people's inscurity at this time from my peers to my parents. 12 12 felt awkward. It was puberty mixed with the joys of being in a stict brown household and being confused all the time with your culture, with your body, and how to not be weird around your peers. 11 11 felt like a closing. I was switching schools from my elementary school to a whole nother middle school. I spent a lot of years at that school from age 4 to 11 (7 years). I remember it feeling very significant because of how much of my life I spent in this one place, and even though it wasn't a great place, I remember feeling a sense of comfort in the familiarity. I was also scared of the new place I was going to go to school at. 10 10 felt like a big age. I remember feeling so fancy to finally be in the double digits. I also remember feeling pretty angsty during this time due to parental pressure and how I struggled to fit in with my peers. It was the beginning of the emo phase lol. 8 & 9 8&9 felt similar in the sense that during this time I really started to feel weird, like there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was picking up on the culturall differences and maybe it was with me realizing that I probably had ADHD. My parents were also pretty freaked out by that notion at that time as well. I feel like my identity as the weird kid and who was "not like other girls." formed during this time lol. 7 & 6 I don't remember much about kindergarten and first grade. But I do rember being excited for my birthdays. I felt excited for bithdays up until age 11 I think. But I remember especially as a little kid I would really count down and be excited for my birthday. I still felt carefree but a little less so after being exposed to the negativity of other kids. 5 5 felt very carefree. And while I don't remember much during this time, I do remember that sense of curiosity and lightheartedness I had. Looking back I feel a sense of nostalgia with 5. 4 The only memory I have about turning 4 is when my parents where throwing a birthday party for me and as my mom was getting ready I asked her "why can't I be 3 and 4 at the same time???" lol.

23 I feel like this past year has gone by well. I have created a beautiful life for myself and I have this baseline of contentment and happiness from achieving various things in my personal life, whether that be moving out, maintaining many healthy and happy relationships, and living the "soft life" from a career that gives me amazing work life balance, as well as achieving various things in terms of achievements such as getting a good job, graduating, travelling, and doing well at my job. Nevertheless, I will say that if I were to describe how 23 feels, I would characterize it as "That Funny Feeling." It's that funny feeling when you have a decent job that you're lucky enough to be able to pay the bills but with the cost of living in a constant andiety in the back of your mind and you have a weird sense of survivor's fuilt about being financially secure as you're watching everyone else struggle with money and inflation. It's that funny feeling when you think that it's a priviledge to even have your own place and career and struggle like this with the uncertainty of your future because your grandma had her lilfe mapped out at your age because by the time she was 24, she was married for 10 years and had 2 kids. It's that funny feeeling of being able to be grateful in all the ways you have grown and all of the experiences that you've had to contribute to your frontal lobe forming and then remembering how small your world would have been if you were born in your parents' or grandparents' time. It's the funny feeling when you're proud of the person you're becoming and things start clicking because you're close to being a fully formed person but realizing that while your mother wanted a kid, she never wanted you, and that she doesn't like you much less relate to you so you're stuck staring at each other wishing the other did better. It's that funny feeling that you're exploring uncharted territory because your parents and family come from a different world, where you're embracing the excitement and gratefulness for the opporunity but you're scared and confused because the people who are supposed to be guiding you can't. It's that funny feeling when you look to your peers for advice and guidance since you're on the same boat but also wishing you had someone older to guide you but the only adults you interact with who are older than you are your parents and your coworkers and neither are any help. It's that funny feeling that your problems are a privilege to have because they are challenges that have come from opportunity but at the same time that it's still messed up that your form of struggle is seen as a privilege because everyone deserves a basic quality of life and the ability to pursue what gives them joy and meaning without jeopardizing their well being.

Self-Infantilization You ever hear something so plain and simple that just smacks some sense into you? That's how I felt at 19:43-20:00 when Elliot says "Enjoying a kid's movie, wearing a Hello Kitty shirt, or even baby talking isn't necessarily being a child or childish in the same way that a child enjoying watiching rated R movies, cursing, and talking about stocks or something is not automatically them being an adult." I knew that I was probably being a bit unreasonable with feeling like I'm childish because I don't think I live up to the aesthetics of adulthood but that quote just plainly put it to my face to where it felt painfully obvious, like *why tf was I thinking anything different* obvious. I also found the rest of the video interesting in the way that infantilization works both in marginalizing people as well as absolving responsibility from those in power in order to reinforce power dynamics. The video talks about this along the lines of race, class, gender, and ability which illustrates the point very well. The video touches on this but I just wanted to reiterate this. I liked how it touched on right wingers infantilizing Millennials and Gen Z. I talked in my previous posts on how adulthood looks different for us since it is harder for us to acheive the traditional markers of adulthood like moving out, buying a house, getting married, starting a family etc. due to financial constraints and the cost of living. And I feel that the average boomer hears the word Millennial and they think of a college graduate in their early 20s expecting the absolute most and when they hear Gen Z, they think of like school children. But most Millennials are in their 30s to early 40s and a good chunk of Gen Z are in their early to mid 20s. This is also reflected on the way that various articles talk about how "Millennials and Gen Z are having trouble buying houses and drowing in student debt" for instance, but I think it would be far more alarming if the article read "Adults under 45 are having trouble buying houses and drowing in student debt." And while Millennials and Gen Z aren't inherently infantilizing terms, they're just labels for different generational cohorts, I feel there is an undercurrent of infantilization in it's connotation that causes people to downplay what is affecting a lot of adults today in favor of the status quo pre 2008 and pre COVID. I think this video is especially important to adults of today to not underestimate ourselves and agency despite us not reaching the same financial milestones as our parents in order to advocate for ourselves and our rights collectively but also take responsibility in our lives individually.

I feel like learning gentle parenting techniques and watching them played out is a little hobby in mine lol

The first post in this page is from 9/17/2022. It's now 9/19/2023. I can't believe I have captured pretty much an entire year within this page. On one hand I like how I can get a birds eye view on my growth without having to be clicking through different pages. I'm also excited that I was able to grow and improve my life greatly without having to pour everything into self development. And by that I mean that I no longer feel like I have a long laundry list of things that I have to deal with and really have a lazer focus on. The foundation has already been set. At the same time, on the other hand I think this is coming from how I didn't journal as much this year as I would previously. So while I'm glad I don't have to get into the dirt and put in a fuck ton of work, I still want to make sure I'm putting effort towards myself and that I always have things to aim for, no matter how big or small.

How I see my life in a year or so: Basically, in a year or so I hope to be more focused careerwise now that I know what direction I'm heading in and I hope to implement habits that really supports all of that. Habits to Implement More Regularly: Reading the News Journalling Reading 1 book a week Working Out (just temporarily fell out of the habit) Taking Notes at my Job + helping my team + career dev + doing things that will help me get a promotion Studying up on desired career paths ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I also hope to tackle various materialistic itches that I have. I'm just going to list thing out here: Materialistic Things I Want: Physical Looks Buy some nicer clothes that suit your life style Take care of your hair: deep condition regularly, get a hair cut maybe, figure this out lol Continue the skincare regimine your dermatologist put you on Continue exercising + get a walking pad Have more of a self maintence routine Add finishing touches to your place: art work, seasonal stuff, etc. Save for big ticket items on your spread sheet Learn to cook more meals so that I'm not solely living off of various girl dinners. Look into more ways of making money for an additional source of income Travel a couple of times ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There are also some less materialistic things for self improvment that I have on my list Non-Materialistic Things I Want: Figure out how to deal with family relationships Have better body image Figure out if you want to have kids Deal with the issue of Misery Pollution Have more specific details on my dream career I wrote in my main journal about how I am seeing myself going into a more materialistic phase of my life and how that's coming from a healthy place rather than me abandoning my values and more spiritual goals. That's a whole thing that I'm not going to get into here since I try to be more succinct in this journal but yeah.... I'm focusing on the more materialistic aspects of my life at this time for my self development.

Aging I have been thinking more about aging as I'm observing my parents get older and as I'm seeing the first signs of me aging. I know I'm like 23, almost 24 years old and the stuff that I'm going to describe is trivial. Just felt like I had to give that disclaimer. I have been getting the occasional gray hair since I was 18. I think I have a total of 2 or 3 gray hairs now. The first one I saw was during my 18th birthday. I was hoping I was one of those people who would go completely gray at an early age since I have family members like that. But no, unfortunately, it was stress. Same with the other two strands. Lately I noticed my boobs sagging a little. It isn't to the point where anyone else would notice but it is something that I notice since I'm around myself all the time and because it is affecting the weight distribution on my chest and back. And honestly, I'm not upset about it. Honestly, the fact that my tits were perky at all instead of saggy from the beggining was a blessing given on how big they are lol. I'm ok with retiring that and now wearing a bra since I need more support now. I'm glad that I enjoyed my nice titty years by being braless from like the ages of 17 to 23. It was a good run lol. As for changes in my face and other traditional forms of aging, honestly they don't bother me too much. I'm not seeing anything now and knowing my genetics and knowing the way my mom has aged since I look so much like her, I know I'm more or less going to have the same face for the most part for another 25 years. That's so long as I don't do drugs or marry a toxic man and pop out too many kids that will run my body down due to stress. And speaking of stress, I genuninely feel like I look more lively and a bit younger because I'm not nearly as stressed as I was while I was in school / living with my parents. I also used the aging filter on TikTok out of curiousity. I saw a lot of people trying it and it seemed pretty accurate since they used the filter on younger photos of older celebrities to see the prediction and compare it to how the celebrity looks like now. I put on the filter and honestly, I found it to be comforting. I hope I get to see her one day. The image staring back at me reminded me of my grandmother who was always really warm towards me. I also looked so full of life as an old woman. I feel like my general view on aging is pretty positive and I don't think that everyone can relate to that, especially when it comes to some women. I think I have a more positive outlook because I was surrounded by a lot of old people growing up. My dad and Aunt was 41 when I was born. My uncle was 51. My mom was 33. My grandmother was 81. By the time I was 10, well you can do the math as to how old the people around me were. I think that this normalized aging for me and made it something I wasn't ever scared of. My dad and uncle specifically I think really modeled healthy aging for me. They have always been vibrant even at their current ages, 65 and 75. I talked about this with my dad more in depth and he told me that he never felt older than 40 or 45. I think he's also very with the times and continues to learn new things and update his world view. Sometimes we both laugh about boomers together, despite the fact that's his age group, because it's weird for him to see his peers be so out of touch from reality. It's also weird to him in the way that people his age also use age as such a limitting belief mainly because he can't relate since again, he has only felt at most 45. My uncle on the other hand, though he is more of the stereotypical boomer with his poltical and world views, he is still fairly social and physically active. Sure, he's not my favorite person, but I can't deny the fact that he has aged vibrantly and that he wears his years well. He's also still fairly energetic. My grandmother lived to age 98. And during the years I was alive, she never had any major health problems. She had a little bit of high blood pressure that was controlled with a minimum amount of medication and she was also pretty anxious and took anxiety meds. Other than that, she didn't have any other health concerns. She still had a good degree of mobility and didn't need help getting around. She ultimately passed away from pneumonia after being in the hospital for 2 weeks. It was sudden but also peaceful. She didn't suffer much. I cannot give a similar account when it comes to my mother though. Watching her age has been pretty sad so far. In the last couple of years, her eating disorder has gotton worse. I think that controlling food is how she copes with aging and her anxieties around health. Things got worse during the pandemic because it hit her common anxieties. She lost a significant amount of weight, much of which was muscle. Mentally, she's not okay and she projects onto me and my dad a lot. I've had friends and my friends' parents comment on her state, how distraught and on edge she looks all the time, how she barely eats in social settings. I find her to be pretty triggering to be around considering my own issues with food and body image issues. But most of all, I feel very helpless. I have tried to address my concerns but she is in denial she has a problem and if anything, thinks everyone else is unhealthy because they don't follow her strict dietary constraints. And of course, there is only so much I can do in this situation. She has also mentioned that she feels like her life is done now that I've grown up and the only thing she has left to see is me get married. She doesn't include having kids because she gets the feeling that she'll die before then, that she has less than 10 years left in her. Knowing what she went through, her life story, and the context she grew up in, her life has only been defined as being a wife and mother. And before she was those things, she was seen as a future wife and mother. She never got the chance to figure out who she was and what she wanted. She never had the opportunity to be independent and have autonomy. She has limitted herself to that and continue to limit herself. She keeps saying how certain things aren't suitable for someone her age even though she's only 57, how she can't wear vibrant colors and how she needs to be quieter because her time is up since she is "no longer beautiful". And I think she feels that since I have grown up that her life is basically over and that all there is left to do is veg out on her ipad watching right wing media. She has really become a shell of herself in recent years. All her free time is spent watching YouTube and praying for 2+ hours a day which is pretty concerning for both me and my dad. Her obsessive tendencies around politics, food, and God has been affecting him a lot. It hurts me to see her like this as her daughter and as any human being with basic empathy. She's not going on a good path. But more than anything, her past and present serves as a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't work on yourself, you don't have any sort of self awareness, and you don't do things that will make you independent and actualized in your life or hell even know what any of those things look like. I know she has had a very different life compared to my dad and uncle in terms of what she could expect out of life and what your roles were. I can acknowledge that part of the reason that my dad and uncle aged well was partly due to their privilege. And that's something that I keep thinking of, what would have my mother's life have looked like if she was born in different circumstances. Because the reality is just depressing. I don't ever want to age like that.

TLDR So Far: I feel like I could really envision myself having a kid if I had the following gurantees: They won't have severe disabilities and won't get into a freak accident I have a partner that will be supporting me through the process of child rearing financially, emotionally, and in terms of putting in the same amount of work I have a partner whom I have a healthy, loving relationship with and who is compatible with my life goals, parenting styles, and general life style My partner and I make enough money to where we can easily support a family and give the child a live they deserve Postpartum won't be absolute hell I have the time and energy to be a good mother and maintain my own sense of identity. But even then, I still have the following questions: Is motherhood for me? How badly do I want this? How do I feel about being in a care role for the baby years? How would my partner and I handle that situation? Can I handle something like preganancy and giving birth?

Common Reasons to Have Children that Rub Me the Wrong Way Category One: Wanting Little People Like Yourself to Preserve Your Idenity Wanting a Mini Version of Yourself or Your Partner: This is honestly the worst in my opnion. I just think it's weird to want to have that much control over someone and I think you're bound to be disappointed because your children will grow up to be their own people and likely not carbon copies of you and your partner, even if they resemble you guys looks wise. I just find it funny that someone people with children claim that child free people are selfish and then site reasons like this when people ask why they wanted kids. Not funny haha, funny weird. I think that wanting to have children is inherently a selfish act because the kids never asked to be here and it's up to you going forward to pay that selfish act forward with a life time of selflessness. Again, your kids never asked to be here so you better treat them well. To Carry on the Family Name and Values: I feel like the family name bit is kind of ridiculous unless you have a weird lastname. Like I have heard this line from people whose last names are Martinez, Khan, Smith, Chowdhury.... like bffr. That last name isn't going to die just because a couple people decided to not have kids. As for values, this goes back to the whole you can't choose what your kids are going to be like and the values they will hold. Sure, you as a parent have some influence, but the child's values will be determined by other factors like their peers, environments, and life experiences as well. And as a child of immigrants who has had a very different life compared to my parents, I can tell you that your kid having the same values as you is not a gurantee. To Have a Legacy: I feel like men are more likely to state this reason and I find it to be weird in a comical way. Like sir, you are not in Succession or an episode of The Crown. You are a regular, everyday civilian... act like it. To Mold A Life: Again, weird and kind of controlling. I think it makes more sense and seems healthier to want to guide someone as opposed to going into the experience with the intention to mold. Again, this isn't everyone but I feel like there are a lot of narcissists that insist on having kids (and a lot of them) because they like the idea of molding someone into their own image and also having absolute control over a baby that has no agency and has to depend on you for everything. To Give the Gift of Existance: I feel like this is tangentially related to the category title and I didn't know where to put this tbh. I put this reason in Category One because I feel like it goes along with this notion of control and almost playing god in a way. I don't think existance itself is inherently a gift and that you need to make it a gift for your child, because again, they never asked to be here and you don't want them to hate their existance lol. This reason also reminds me of the pro-life people that try to get you by saying "if your mom aborted you, you wouldn't be here right now" to which a lot of people respond with "I don't care to be here my guy and I wouldn't want my mom to suffer if it came down to it. Category Two: Having a Hole in Your Life To Feel Unconditional Love: It rubs me so weird when people cite this reason because it really make me think that they never experienced unconditional love in other areas of their lives which makes you think if they are capable of showing that kind of love. I have felt that kind of love with my friends and family, with animals, with myself to a certain extent. And it's like, if someone has to be your child for you to experince that kind of love, I'm sorry, that's not unconditional love. For a Sense of Fulfillment: I think fulfillment can be a valid reason but I think it's how you go about it. If you are dependent on having a child to have a sense of fulfillment, that's a little weird because a child comes into the world not knowing how to basic things like walk. I think putting your sense of fulfillment on a baby is a pretty big ask and a burden. Your fulfillment is your responsibility. That said, I think kids can enhance whatever sense of fulfillment or lack of fulfillment you have. I think it can be a beautiful to share your sense of fulfillment and pour that into someone else to help them grow and develop into their own person. To Make You Happy: Again, that's a pretty big ask to someone who just got here and doesn't know how to even talk and just a pretty big ask to anyone. I don't think it's wise to put the burden of your happiness on anyone especially child. I think this can also yield to some people to put their mood dependent on their children and that's not a healthy dynamic because of how it clashes with self regulation and responsibility when it comes to emotional reactions. To Fix Your Marriage: I have personal beef with this one. I was the baby my parents had to fix the marriage. And I spend many years having to play therapist with my parents from my childhood which I had to unpack. Plus, if you have a chaotic marriage, what makes you think a baby is going to make that any calmer? If anything, people struggle with their marriage the most, even those with healthy relationships, for the first 3 years of a child's life because of how big the life transition is. On top of that, if you get through those 3 years, that kid will be subject to whatever chaos you guys have in your household and trust me, that doesn't yield to well adjusted results. To Re-experience Childhood: I feel like this can come in one of two ways. There are people who approach this in a healthy way where it's like they want to broaden their life experiences by watching a tiny person learn how to navigate life from literally the first steps and onwards. But then there are those people who want to live through their kids for whatever reason (insert the Disney cliche where the Dad says "Son, you're giving up on your dream" and the son is like "I'm not giving up on my dreams, Dad, I'm giving up on YOURS.") A Sense of Meaning: This goes along with what I said about a sense of fulfillment. I think it's important to have a sense of meaning before having kids and share that with your family rather than having your family determine your sense of meaning. I feel like this is especially true for women because we're pushed to have kids and have that be what defines us and it's so important to have other life experiences and have a well rounded life and idenity outside of motherhood regardless of whether you decide to have kids or not. To Give a Better Childhood than the One You Experienced: I'm going to be honest, I do see part of myself in this and I'm trying to be careful in the extent that this is the reason why I want to have a child. I think this can come from a lot of trauma and can come from an unhealthy place, causing you to create a differnent kind of fuck up compared to the kind of fuck up you were raised as. Please don't project your trauma to your kids. Category Three: External Influences Social Pressure: This can include anything from gender roles to your annoying aunt who keeps asking you and your spouse when a baby will be on the way. And nearlly all of the people who put this pressure on you have the least at stake when it comes to you deciding to have a kid or not. Some people are really nosey, have no sense, and are judgemental af towards people who may want to be childless because of whatever insecurities they way have in their life decisions. Also, in some cases, misery loves company. It' s just such a personal I feel like generally speaking this is doesn't end well when people have kids because they are pressured to do so. To Repopulate the Earth: I feel like this mainly applies to the pronatalist of the world like Elon Musk or Nick Cannon who basically have a fetish around having a bunch of baby mamas and spreading their seed. While the pronatalists are a small percent of the population, I do think some people still think that if you don't have kids that humans will cease to exist. And while I'm not someone who thinks that overpopulation is a threat we face, I think it will take quite a bit for 8 billion people to just go extinct. The pro-natalist are worried about underpopulation and I feel like a lot of it has to do with having enough bodies to exploit for capitalism to keep going which honestly, fuck that. Honestly, I also think that anti-natalists are also fucking weird because of how black pilled and doomer they can be. I don't think overpopulation is the problem rather making sure that everyone has food to eat and shit has more to do with resource allocation/ wealth distribution rather than us not having enough resources to support people. To "Go Forth and Multiply" / Religious Fundamentalism: Idk, maybe I encountered quite a few of these kinds of people because I live in Texas or because I discovered the Morman family blogger side of YouTube. I think this can be wrapped up in the social pressure point but I think it needs a bullet for itself. I honestly feel like having more than like 4 kids usually yields to neglect and the parentification of the older kids because there is no way that you as a parent can take the time to give every kid what they need emotionally and in terms of time. Plus, how tf are you doing this in THIS economy. I have questions lol. Someone to Look After You When You're Old: Again, another reason that I didn't know what category to put it at. It's kind of like the very first point I made in Category One where people claim that having kids is selfless but then cite really selfish reasons. First of all, even if you have kids, there is no gurantee that they will want to care for you in your old age or if they will be able to (i.e. they could be disabled, have other burdens, they could die before you get old etc.). Second, the money that you save as a childfree person and likely help you to have a more comfortable retirment so that you don't have to rely on relatives as much. And then there is the whole lonliness argument and honestly, I don't think a nuclear family is the solution to that problem. You can still have friends and have a sense of community with the involvement you have with your surroundings. Popping people out of you pussy is probably not the best way to create a sense of community nor is it definitately not the only way to have community and a sense of belonging.

A Good Past Another common reason why I feel like people are hesitant to bring children into this world is because how much of a wreck this world is. You have climate change that the people in power are not taking seriously, the rise of far right leaders and media figures, anti-gay and trans hatred, and women's rights being rolled back. It's understandable that many are hesitant of the future globally as well as in the U.S and as a result, it's understandable to be concerned about whether bringing life into this world is even the right thing to do. Not to mention that the country feels like a toxic boyfriend who keeps you around in the relationship because he keeps saying that "I'll change, I promise." I was talking to a friend about this who is about to get married. She's about 4 years older than me. She told me something along the lines of this: You never know what the future is going to look like in 20 ish years. Sure things are awful now, but a lot of things can improve in time. Just think, you and I were born in the 90s. The economy was great, the Cold War ended, 9/11 had not occured yet, and people were dubbing this as the end of history. If you go by your logic now, the 90s would have been a good time to have kids. But do you think our parents could have predicted the kind of world we would have stepped into in our adulthood and the chaos that we have to deal with to where in some cases it's hard to get up on our feet due to student loans, shitty house prices and wages not keeping up with inflation? No, and similarly, we don't know what kind of world our children will step into and sure things are rough now and it feels like it's not going to end based on prior experiences in recent times, but things don't move in an even tragectory. I thought of this and I think a point was made. I also think about this post that I saw a while back that said that we cannot gurantee a solid future for our individual children but we do have control to a certain extent over the present and how these future adults will look back at their past. We can't gurantee the state of the world or that they will have a better standard of living compared to their parents but we can do our best to give them a good childhood so that they have the tools to handle the challenges that will meet them in adulthood. Sure there is the climate crisis looming in the air and in the uncertain future. And while all of this is reassuring in the face of that uncertain future, I am concerned about the present if you aren't in the best position financially. There is the cost of childcare, the lack of gun legislation in the U.S. and the lack of materity and paternity leave, and the thousands of dollars it costs to have a baby in a hospital in the first place that makes me second guess things in the U.S. Even if people want to have kids, there are very real logistical and financial restraints (not to mention the cost of living and stagnating wages) that stop people in the present who otherwise would really want to have children. I know that when people hear pro-choice, the main thing they think of is the access to abortion so that they can choose not to have a child if they so wish. But I don't think we think of the other side of pro-choice enough which is the choice to have a child. And I think that the pro-choice stance can tie into other political ideals such as a living wage, paternity and maternity leave, having vacation days, gun control, climate change legislation, universal health care, walkable cities, accessible childcare, and so many other policies that can support families in bringing kids into the world and raising them as well in a way that makes sense to their family planning goals. That's my other thing, if I decide to have a kid, I know that I don't want them to be raised in the U.S. not only for their well being but also for my sense of support and sanity. While I was able to handle going to school givent the shit that you see about school shootings and having a couple of close calls in my school, I don't think I can handle such a thing from a parent's perspective. I hate on how I had to panic about basic things like how to pay for college and getting health care in a way that was timely and wasn't going to be exhorbitantantly priced. And I don't think that I would be supported as a mother in this country as far as the social infrastructure goes. Sure I'm going to deal with shit like social biases and other issues everywhere, but atleast other places have it codified to be more supportive to families and in general have a better quality of life. An uncertain future is something I can deal with a certain extent. An uncertain present is another story. And while people talk about the social pressures and expectations to have kids, I think the times put pressure on people not to have kids as well in different ways.

A Mother's Baby, A Father's Maybe. The phrase "A Mother's Baby, A Father's Maybe" is used to describe two things. One that it's easy to know the mother of the child but the father can be ambigious unless there is a paternity test involved (insert a clip of Maury here). But another meaning of this phrase is that mothers are expected to take on more of the load in terms of raising the child compared to the father and that there isn't really a gurantee that the father will play a role in the child's life. I'm going to be discussing the later. One of the easiest places to see this is the whole ordeal around teen moms. Rarely does anyone talk about teen dads and what they're doing. There is a whole show about Teen Moms and people raised a question about where the dads are and let's be real, if there was a show call Teen Dad, it will be pretty boring (or alarming) because it's likely that the dad's life is not nearly as altered as the mom's and you will end up watching a teenage boy going through an existential crisis while in high school while still playing video games in their spare time. Or they run away all together. Why do I mention this despite the fact that I won't be a teen mom and I wouldn't dare having a chlid out of wedlock due to the instability that it will create for me and the child? Because the phenomenon of a married single mother exists. There are mothers out there who are married and even though they have a partner, all of the responsibility around haivng a kid (and also often holding down a job in the process) falls on her while her husband is not doing much to help her. Often times, when these mothers get a divorce, sometimes it's easier than when they were married because instead of taking care of an extra person, the husband, along with the children, it's easier to just take care of the kids even with a smaller income because of how it frees up more of your time and labor. And honestly, I think that and/or becoming a single mother is one of the worst situations, waaaaay worse than being single and child free. Basically, I'm evaluating my decision to have a kid with this possibility in mind, even if this is a possibility that makes me wince and I pray to god something like this happens. But it is a reality for many women, single and married. It also makes me think that if I decide to have a kid, I will also have to approach dating and marriage differently than I do now. I will have to have higher standards regarding men and also take the dimension of what kind of a parent this man will be and if our approach to parenting compliments each other. Because if I know I want to have a child and I'm making a decision about my life partner, my life partner will also be my co-parent. I can't just look at my own needs of what I want in a relationship when the decision of who the father of my child is on the line. Also, even if I make an excellent choice in a father, there is also a chance of him dying which again will put me back in the role of being a single mother. There is also a chance that I might die and my child has to be raised by my husband which is all the more reason to make a good choice when choosing a father and life partner. You don't want to leave your child in the hands of someone unhealthy and incompentent if you die. I'm not someone who actively seeks out "provider men." While I'm not a 50/50 kind of girl (more on that in another post), I do like doing things for my partner like paying every now and then and doing little gestures that are stereotyped as "things a man does in a relationship." Gender roles aside, I think it's natural to want to do things to show that you care for your partner. That can look different for different people. For some women, it looks like showing gratitude. And while I'm the same way, I don't like to just say thank you and act all giddy when a man does something for me 100% of the time. Personally, I do like taking a more active role in showing that I care in the relationship every now and then. I still think about the few times I bought my man flowers and how happy that made him. I believe that this is my authentic way of showing up in a romantic scenario. At the same time, sometimes I think that my authentic way of showing up would not be conducive to vetting and finding my life partner when I take into consideration of choosing the father of my child. I feel like getting a guy that actively provides in a relationship (and takes pride in providing), not just financially but also in other dimensions, gives you a better shot at avoiding the whole married single mom thing. I know my dad was a man like that. While he wasn't the best father, he didn't leave my mom hanging when it came to household matters. He took an active role in my childhood and he contributed to household tasks. He did the cleaning, my mom did the cooking. He did his share of the laundry and regularly picked up after himself. He also hired help with the lawn and with deep cleaning the house when he and my mom started getting older and less capable to physically keep up with everything. He also took care of 100% of the finances. And while the financial aspect wasn't all positive in terms of how it affected the power dynamic of the relationship and his degree of fulfillment in terms of having an equal partner, he always took pride in being a provider and a father and it was a version of masculinity he embraced and valued a great deal. My father told me growing up that a man with any sense will see the value that the women in his life provides and that he will invest in that accordingly to the best of his ability. That man is someone who sees the value in the role that his mother and the women in his life played and can see and understand how big of a job being a wife and mother is and how that in turn helps him and the whole family to prosper with the combination of the valuable work of their partner as well as how the family motivates a man to do better in his life. He only gave me this talk once when I was like 11 and he was telling me the story on how getting married and having kids affected his father's life and how it has affected his as well. I didn't think of it as much at the time but I do think back to that conversation whenever I see the alpha male podcasters who keep talking about 50/50 and how they keep asking women "what do you bring to the table?" almost in an accusatory tone as if a woman has nothing to add other than sex and as if they want to watch a woman dance monkey dance to prove herself to them. Men like that who cannot even see the value another person can add in their life but insist on dating and having kids anyway are the biggest red flags. Like you know damn well they won't give you basic respect much less step up when something affects you two as a couple. It's seriously giving wounded masculinity and fatherless behavior as if they never got any healthy role models for masculinity. Sure, it's fine if you don't resonate with the paternal archetype of masculinity, but it's really fucking weird to be that disrespectful to the people around you to where your view of masculinity is so limitted to where you only see it as a means to exert power over others in order to stroke your own ego. And unfortunately, a lot of men do just that. They have kids because they like the aesthetics of being a father and they expect that their wife is going to be the maid, the cook, and the nanny, and the caretaker in their old age without doing anything in return. Of course, it isn't all men. My father was most definitely not like that and it's always a little shocking to see the weaponized incompetence, from the idiot fathers that are played off for laughs in sitcoms to people irl congradulating a father for changing a diaper and watching the kids as he is supposed to as a co-parent. It's so weird when I see accounts of grown ass men who don't do basic chores that you would expect a roommate would do when they live with their partners because they expect their wife and girlfriend to pick up after them like their mother. That was never modeled to me as a child and my boyfriend is most certainly not like that. Men who don't do basic things when they live on their own to take care of themselves aren't men, they are boys. What I'm describing isn't "women's work." It's basic adult responsibility. Regardless of gender, I expect you to be able to cook, do the laundry, keep an clean, hygenic, and organized living space, and remember basic dates, appointments and responsibilities to yourself and the people around you becuase you're a fucking adult. Rant aside, I feel like the decision of whether or not to have a child would be 10x easier if I had been born a man. That's why this journal is called Contemplating Motherhood instead of Contemplating Parenthood. You don't have nearly as many expectations piled on to you if you are a man having a child and of course, you're physical body isn't on the line. That changes a lot of things.