soos_mite_ah

Just thought this video was interesting

What I Like About My Current Relationship 1. We can be silly with each other and we have a lighthearted relationship. I often feel like my inner child is being cared for and is enjoying this relationship. We can be fully ourselves and embrace the childlike parts of ourselves and just be silly when we flirt with each other. 2. We have a solid foundation outside of sex. Due to various circumstances, unfortunately I don't have the means to have sex or do many sexual things with this person. But this has forced us to focus on other aread of our relationship. I feel like we have a very strong foundation of friendship, communication, knowledge of each other, and generally love every bit of each other because we were forced to slow down and pay attention to that stuff first. 3. We have similar communication styles due to both of us having ADHD. I think going forward I would want a man who is also neurodivergent in some kind of way because I notice that it's easier to communicate with them, we relate to each other more on shared experiences, and we can stim and be weird with each other in a comfortable setting. 4. We have created a safe place for each other where we are nonjudgemental and can talk about most things. We have shared parts of our day together, the different issues we dealt with as far as trauma goes, kinks, people we have liked and dated in the past, and more. We also shared all of this in a reasonable pace as we got to know each other. I am very comfortable with opening up to this person and I know he feels the same with me. And even when it comes to things that we are insecure about, while we know we can't fix this in the other person, we know that we support one another and as a result, we both feel very loved and comfortable because we know the other person isn't looking at us the way we see ourselves. We are also very consistent with one another and are very proactive in keeping up with the relationship. We never played hot or cold, we never acted in passive aggressive ways when something was bothering us, and we both do a good job at communicating our needs. This also translates into the bedroom because we don't have any shame around each other which helps us be open in communicating what we like and don't like as well as knowing if we're doing a good job. 5. We can talk for hours without realizing it. Time flies so fast when I'm with this person. I can enjoy talking to him or sitting in silence with him. I just really enjoy his presance. 6. We look forward to seeing each other and spending time with one another but we very much still have our own lives. We meet up once a week usually, twice a week if we are lucky. It's something I know that I can look forward to because it's so reliable and a part of our schedule. But it isn't so often to where I feel stifled or that other areas of my life are getting neglected. We talk on the daily basis through text and share little parts of our day. 7. We both have similar values. I feel like I'm on the same page as him on most things and I think it adds a degree of relatability to our relationship even if we have very different life experiences. It also makes me feel safe around him because I know that we have similar degrees of integrity. 8. We're both committed to working on this relationship and showing up as a better partner and we check in on each other on a regular basis. We check in regarding things that we both could do better in the relationship, we check in with one another on how the other person is feeling on a daily basis, and we reflect and communicate how we feel as the relationship progresses. And none of these things feel like big, daunting conversations (it's not like either of us pulls the "we need to talk" phrase and keeps the other person in suspense for a couple days). We just bring these things up and work them into a conversation and as a result, it feels casual, not in the sense that it isn't serious, but in the sense that it is not intimidating to either of us. As a result, we talk about things before they get heated or turn into an arguement (we haven't had an arguement yet and we've been together for almost a year). If I had any comments or concerns about him or the relationship, we can clear the air really quickly and resolve the issue for the most part. Everytime I felt like I was picking up on a red or yellow flag, we had a 10-15 min conversation about it and it was resolved so quickly to where we felt like we were both on the same page and we found a solution. This also translates into the bedroom where we both want to please each other, we both check in to see how the other person is doing and what they're comfortable with, and we continously communicate. 9. We respect each other's boundaries and we let each other fall in love in our own pace. One of the biggest green flags I saw with him was that when he said I love you for the first time and I told him that I really care about him but I don't feel like I'm at the point where I feel comfortable saying it, he was very understanding and nonjudgemental. He was secure in the relationship and he let me fall in love at my own pace.

Some Videos I Liked I came to the realization lately on how it's important to prioritize your wants because we all deserve to aim for something more than just survival. I've been getting a little bit more intune with what I want lately after graduating and getting a stable job since I'm not in survival mode as much anymore. I also think that my previous unhealthy relationship with spirituality still has me in this habit of trying to let go of my desires. I found this video helpful in terms of me prioritizing my wants: I also had the habit in the past of wanting to "get my life together" and had this need to be competent due to a variety of factors. I found this video to be really comforting even though I don't really need it anymore. I wish I could send this message to my younger self. This video made me happy. In the past I very much had this outlook of trying to find my perfect sense of style according to what was considered flattering on me. But Katherine here just looks so happy in the self-expression of it all and that was very uplifting in my soul. I loved watching her get excited over different pieces. I don't think I have a similar style as her. I feel like my dream style is looking like a Pokemon gym leader and my style inspiration is Harper from Wizards of Waverly Place lmao.

I feel like most of the women I saw starting out in Actualized.org like 3 years ago have since left at different times. Sometimes it feels like I'm the last one left here and I have significantly decreased my time spent here and mainly stay in the journaling section now. I wasn't really sure where to put this thread tbh.

I did some tasks at my job, got off of work, got a work out in, had dinner, and now I feel like I've come back to a cluster fuck after stepping away for a few hours. Mods, can we please close this thread @puporing @Sincerity ? I think this has gotten out of hand.

Hey, it's nice to hear from you again. I'm so sorry about the harassment experience though. Yeah.. I really don't expect much from this forum regarding making this a more inclusive space for women. If I remember correctly, there is an effort towards more moderation. I just get weirded out by the topics related to Andrew Tate and other similar creators. I don't think that most people on here supports that kind of rhetoric but the loudest voices are the ones who often get seen. I know I'm not the only woman on here. I suppose it feels this way since many of us usually hang out in the journalling section and because I'm not on here as much as I used to be.

@Sincerity I see many of the women that were mentioned here are posting in the journals section. That's interesting. I think I'm going check out their stuff. I haven't been actively reading journals lately

I disagree with this statement. I would argue that women are more likely to engage in self improvement because we are socialized to be more vulnerable, build deep lasting realtionships where we grow with other people, and get professional help in the form of therapy. Women are more likely to get therapy when they need it. I'd argue this causes women to reflect more and learn from their life experiences going forward. But generally speaking, women and men aren't more or less "wired" than each other to aim towards self improvment. This isn't something that is inherent to either gender. I do notice the forum quieting down after they left. But the first women who come to mind are Etherial Cat, Modmyth, and Mikyoko . I also don't think I see mandyjw here in a while.

That just sounds fake and like a weird fantasy. I would've kept that to myself my guy There's nothing wrong with caring about relationships and human interactions. It's an overall positive. But to assert that this is biology is just a weird take. There are men who were taught to value relationships and expressing themselves to where they can have healthy, deep fufilling relationships. Men aren't inherently loners. A lot of it comes out from stereotypes around stoicism and how men are taught to favor domination over connection and supression over expression. At this point, women are more educated then men in terms of educational attainment so the arguement they aren't interested in intellectual matters is wrong. And also, what makes socializing and intellectual pursuits contridictory? There is great intelligence in the way that people interact with one another and create social systems. As much as I love writing here, I do feel that if someone I knew irl saw me here, it would just be awkward because to normies this can look like a incelly/ pick up artist forum with drugs mixed in. I'm not saying that this forum is that or that normie views are 100% accurate, but I am saying that to a certain extent, it's normal and expected that the average person would be weirded out by some of the conversations here. And I wouldn't even say the feminine is repulsed by it. I don't think it's limitted to the feminine. I know guys in my life and other people who lean more masculine who would be weirded out by stuff on this forum. Makes sense. Yeah, speaking up has gotten exhausting. Emerald, from what I remember, has mentioned that she likes sparring so that's another thing. Good for her I guess. And I find it to be quite dismissive to assume that there aren't more women on here because of "a lack of consciousness" as if the men on here are more concious than the average person irl. No offense, but some of yall are below average and I have met more well adjusted individuals irl. I don't know many men who prescribe to anything on the manosphere and thinks that whole thing is a laughing stock. Then again I do realize some selection bias comes into play. But at the same time I doubt guys on here represent "the average guy" ya know?

@Jowblob bruhh... have you even talked to a woman lol like you literally can't see beyond the most trite sterotypes. What is your so called research? Podcast bros? Andrew Tate LMAOO?

I've thought of that too. I'm mainly still here for the journaling section and because I have questions here and there that I feel is nice to talk to some people here. I'm told we're all soy boys here. Someone must be lying. I mean... you don't have to be some kind of ideal giga chad to be so masculine to where you can't function. "Geek" masculinity can still have toxic elements. You can be a "soy boy" and still be misogynistic and awful to be around lol. Nice to meet you I feel myself slowly turning into a lurker. I 100% think that it says something about the forum that there aren't as many women here and how so many seem to leave after some time. LMAOOO

There it is...... yikes where do we even begin unpacking smh

@MuadDib I appreciate it. @Jwayne I get having an area of life that people are having issues with and not having role models. I mean, you can find that type of thing easily irl. But a lot of people are unempathetic and just have really weird views. I posted a thread asking where the women on this forum are and one of the comments are Here is said weirdo energy^^ There is just so many fucked up stereotypes here that idek where to begin unpack...

The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. I don't know what distorts my perception of men more, the men on this forum or the men in my real life. The men on this forum are really icky and lacking in self awareness. The fact that there are so many people defending Andrew Tate is nuts. Not to mention the hundreds of posts that lack self awarenss regarding basic social issues and social settings. Some of these threads get pretty disturbing as well. My mind goes to this thread that was started about a guy who felt victimized by his girlfriend getting raped because that meant that another man touched his woman. I remember this thread more clearly while the rest of the posts blur together mainly because I remember that thread being the last straw for many women on this forum. The majority of women who I was cool with here are gone now. I myself don't contribute to conversations much any more (though I doubt any one reads or takes me seriously when I do post) and I keep to myself in my journals more nowadays. I have written in the past how this forum distorted my view of men during the pandemic because this was my main exposure to men during that short period of time. Long story short, sticking around in this forum made me cynical about men, made me not like myself very much and view myself through an objectifying lens, and I found myself feeling on guard in my regular life. Basically, I needed to touch grass lol. And talking to my friend's brothers and meeting men irl helped a lot in terms of the things listed previously. ] Then men in my real life don't have any of the weirdness on this forum. They aren't trying to be alpha males, they aren't trying to "socially calibrate themselves" and learn game, they are friends with women, they understand social issues, they have career goals and self development aspirations in the form of therapy and reflection, and just all around they are normal well adjusted people with goals in their lives. They still like video games, hang out on reddit, and do I guess other traditionally male online activities but they aren't chronically online and know how to engage with other people of either gender platonically and romantically. And I wouldn't say that these are the top tier men. They're just normal well adjusted guys to me. But I feel like if they were on this forum they would look like some well integrated god of some sort. I feel like the guys on this forum are particularly bad due to the incel and pick up artist rhetoric and how spirituality can attract broken people, but I guess I find myself wondering, what even is a normal guy? Are the guys on this forum worse than the average guy? Are they the average? Are they guys I meet in my real life average guys or better than the average due to my own selection bias? Like my current boyfriend would never in a million years be associated with a guy who is a fan of Andrew Tate or any other podcast bro and often makes fun of guys like that. He is aware of the manosphere in the same way I am and while he can empathize with them to a certain extent, he does ultimately see them as a collection of clowns and walking red flags. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of men aren't like my boyfriend, I have gone on dates with guys who turned out to be really weird before, but I'm using him as an example because currently, he is a man whom I am the most closest to. But yeah, for a forum that centers around self improvment, being higher consciousness, and critiquing society's low consciousness ways, it sure has a lot of people who have their EQ in the gutter. I also wonder what Leo's social life looks like to a certain degree and how it coinceides with the characters I have met on this forum. If it is anything at all like the dynamics here, no wonder he thinks the average person is shitty and that he's so much better than everyone. It's because he is surrounded by scummy people. I don't know what that says about him and again I'm talking about hypotheticals but yeah.... this forum doesn't have many self-aware much less self actualized people and is often a hostile place for women. I suppose the main reason I stick around is because of my journal. I do enjoy writing on here and I find myself ignoring most of the chatter here because I'm emotionally exhausted to where I cannot bother to care (and because many of the discussions are pretty low quality tbh). I wonder how long I'm going to stick around and if it's even worth it for me being here now that most of the people I liked and engaged with basically left this place. I wonder if anything I even say on this forum or in my journal even matters or if anyone actually reads it anymore tbh. It kind of feels like me talking to the void. I'm alright with that but I wonder when I will naturally stop posting here as well.

0 lol

Lefty Self Help I watched this Vaush stream among other clips of him talking about the rise of Andrew Tate and alpha male podcasters and how it's due to men not being spoken to when it comes to their personal problems from the left and often turn to the right who will give them answers even if they are awful answers. But what I wanted to really write about today is towards the end of the video, Vaush talks about the importance of personal responsibility, discipline etc. Thankfully he made a segment of this in his channel and later posted it. I thought this was weird not because of what Vaush was saying but because I feel like it didn't match my personal interactions with leftists in my life. I would characterize all of my friends as leftists to varying degrees but I guess the distinction I can make is irl leftys vs chronically online leftys. It could also be the types of people I tend to attract in my life and how I am invested into self development (like attracts like I guess). The whole "leftys don't care about self help and it has been co-opted by the right" makes sense to a certain degree. The second part of that statement makes sense on the whole Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson phenomenon on how they started as self-help but then became prominant figures on the right. The first part makes sense to a certain extent. Personally, from my corner of my social life, I always saw leftism as pro-self help because of the ways it encourages you to educate yourself about different perspectives, be critical of our social systems so you can make better, healthier decisions, how left leaning people in general are more comfortable with mental health care, treatment, and accesssibility to health care, and how you are encouraged to accept yourself. However, I can see how some leftist talking points critiquing the system can cause people to not take personal responsibility and avoid taking action. I'm talking blaming all of your issues on systemic problems and theorizing to where you aren't looking at things practically nor are you looking at ways where you can improve your situation despite the obstacles you have. I'm also talking about seeing personal responsibility as mainly a political/ individualistic thing and how a lot of lefties can become doomers. It mainly reminds me of the archetype of the stage green person who didn't integrate the healthy aspects of blue and orange and just jumped into being green. I also started thinking of a video where Dr. K from Healthy Gamer talks about taking personal responsibility. I don't know which video of his it was but basically he was talking about how when people are faced with problems, some take too much personal responsibility to where it's unhealthy for them (person A) and some fall into learned helplessness and end up freezing in the face of adversity (person B). And for each of the two groups, you want to give them the opposite advise. It isn't going to help person A to tell them to pull them up by their bootstraps and think of things that they're doing wrong because then they will dig into their unhealthy coping mechanisms and as a result be even harder on themselves, thus making the issue in question worse. Instead, you are going to want to tell person A on how they are trying hard and how they maybe facing up to issues that are out of their control and that they need to be more gentle with themselves or something like that. However this approach isn't going work for person B as it will cause them to dig into their feelings of hopelessness and instead you need to show them where they take on more agency and responsibility. I feel that person A and person B exists in both the right and the left. Person A on the right might be one of the Jordan Peterson fanboys while person B on the right might be your boomer uncle who doesn't want to take any ounce of selfawareness to deal with their dysfunctional relationships and thinks mental health issues are a hoax made by the liberal elite. Person A on the left might be the person who tries really hard to create a better life for themselves but is hitting up against societal forces that they are aware of but is still being emotionally impacted by their own limitations while person B on the left might be the chronically online leftists who thinks a bag of chips and an ice coffee is enough to sustain them. As a result, I can acknowledge on how some leftists don't take self help and personal development seriously but part of me wants to say that whether someone takes self-help seriously isn't as political as it seems. But at the same time, I can acknowledge the whole Andrew Tate/ Jordan Peterson phenomenon and I can't really think of anyone on the left having a similar situation.

I am retaking the life purpose course and I know that I'm supposed to narrow it down to one zone of mastery/genius. But I feel like in order to master one thing, I would need to master many things. For example, if someone wants to be a master painter, they will need to master different types of paint, different forms and styles, and things like depth perception, proportions, and a variety of techniques. Another example is that if someone wants to be a master at business, they will need to get different expertise on various categories ranging from accounting, finance, marketing, sales, leadership, etc. I'm pretty sure things can get even more complicated if you find a niche where two or more very different things combine. Where would you draw the line between trying to master too many things and "dabbling" vs trying to master various things that contribute to mastering one thing?

100% agree

I mean, if polarity is something you guys are concerned about, both gender and gender expression exists on a spectrum. You can identify as a woman for example and be a tomboy / more masculine leaning but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a woman as far as your gender identity goes. Same for feminine men, they aren't less of a man because of the way that they express themselves. And it isn't difficult to apply that to non-binary folk, especially non-binary folk. Just because you don't feel like a woman doesn't mean that you can't express the femininity and masculinity in you nor does it mean that you can't lean one way or another. Most non-binary people aren't expressing themselves as stictly androgynous.

I don't think this will change much so long as you're not weird about it and you guys have an otherwise stable/healthy relationship. They're just figuring thing out and so long as they can communicate what's going on with them, maintain healthy boundaries, etc. it should be fine. As someone who is in a pretty good relationship right now, I would say that there are 3 entities in the relationship: you, them, and the relationship y'all are creating together. Sometimes, there is an issue that affects one party, but doesn't affect the other two all that much directly. Definitely be supportive in this instance as coming out can be a very vulnerable thing to do for many people. Later on, if you see that this is affecting you and the relationship negatively, then I would suggest looking into other options. The least you can do right now is use the correct pronouns and open up the conversation to ensure that they feel supported in this situation.

I posted this in my journal but I want to open it up into a conversation so I thought posting this here would help: This is something that I have been thinking more about lately. Even though I have a good job, I still panic at the thought of spending money, even if it isn't in foolish intention. The thought of paying thousands in rent freaks me out and so does the general cost of being alive lol. Maybe it's because I'm not used to paying larger bills. I have this impulse of saving up as much as I possibly can. I feel that this can cause me to cut corners down the road. I'm currently living at home with my parents and I am saving a lot of money. I originally planned to stay at home for 6 months to save up and then get my own place. But I feel a sense of resistance towards that. While I recognize that getting my own space can cause me to be more independent, figure out various ares of my life, give me a sense of privacy, and overall be healthier than my current living circumstances since my parents aren't the healthiest people to be around, there is a part of me that's like *but you can save much more money if you extend your stay for another 3-6 months.* This kind of thinking has landed me in a lot of trouble during the pandemic. I chose to stay at home instead of going back to school in an effort to make a more moral and financially sound decision. But because I was living in an unhealthy enviornment, I wound up spending more in medical bills due to my deteriorating mental health than if I had just paid some extra money to live away from home. However, living at home now feel considerably more different now that I'm not at home under lockdown, now that my parents have calmed down significantly when it comes to my relationship with them, and now that I have more of a social circle that I can fall back on. Sure, it's still not the best environment but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. And part of me thinks that I can gain more if I delay somethings in order to save up money. I also think a large part of the reason why I'm frugal with my money is because of the relationship I have with my parents. I am contemplating on potentially cutting them off and there is a part of me that wants to give back all of the money they have spent on me since I was 18, from my college, to basic bills, medical expenses, letting me live at home for 6 months, and letting me use their car. From my calculations, that totals up to about $150k for the last 5 years. In addition to that, I have other financial goals from having my own car (having it paid off for the most part), getting my own place and furnishing it, 6-months of expenses, and a potential down payment on a house. All of that together, minus the 6 months of expenses since I don't know the valuation of that and accounting for $100k for a down payment on a house (I know this is pretty generous but I'd rather overshoot on my financial goals), that totals up to $130k. Total for the money that I want to pay back my parents and the money for my own financial goals is $280k. $280k is a number that hangs over my head. I think on one hand it makes my goal feel more achievable since I can make certain calculations and it feels more tangible than feeling like I need to make a large amorphous amount of money. But, at the same time, it still does feel like a lot of money considering how much I'm making at the moment. I would probably have to save about half of my income for 10 years to pay this off. Now, I'm pretty sure that my wage isn't stagnant given how I can move up in my current job, have side hustles, have my life purpose contribute a lot of money etc. but it still kicks my frugal tendencies into high gear. I can probably go without paying $150k to my parents and just focus on the $130k (it's not like my parents are expecting this money back, this is a standard I have for myself) and that relieves some of my stress and frugal tendencies tbh. God, I wish I came from a healthy home so I wouldn't feel like I had to do this. And I have thought of the ways that being stingy with my money can affect my quality and happiness in life ranging from not feeling comfortable taking financial risk, not travelling to places and enjoying / exploring life and growing myself, not relocating and living in a place that feels more fulfilling than Dallas, and most currently, not moving out of an unhealthy environment. I can see this really holding me back in my life. Thoughts?

Impulsive Intrusive Thoughts I have this impulsive intrusive thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, contacting my "ex", quitting my job, and then moving across the country to the north east. There isn't anything awfully wrong with my boyfriend, job, or my living situation but it isn't my dream scenario, ya know? This isn't a strong urge or anything but it is a thought that I find myself entertaining. I suppose as I'm reflecting on it, it's more of a desire to not want to settle for a mediocre life and the desire to not fall into the trap of settling into the good instead of fufilling my potential for a good life. I thought I'd explore that more in this post. Starting off with my boyfriend. I don't think that I'm very intellectually compatible with him. I didn't get into this relationship blindly without being aware of this but I'm seeing the trade offs right now. If anything, one of the big reasons why I admired him was because he is smart in a very different way than I am. I'm just realizing that intellectual compatibility is something that is important to me for a potential lifetime relationship. I didn't know this before since I have never been in a relationship before this one and other than this thing, I feel like for a long term relationship, my partner and I are pretty solid. I'm not trying to insinuate that he is some how dumb by saying that he has a different kind of intellegence. If anything, like I said before, his intelligence is something I admire. He is very hands on, technical, and he created a path for himself and is financailly stable. I love his resourcefulness and his consistency despite struggling when he was younger. He has a pretty stable career with an upward trajectory despite not having a college degree and almost dropping out of high school multiple times. I on the other hand would describe myself as more traditionally intelligent in the academic sense and I have a very social science oriented mind. While I can talk to him about my interests and my though processes, I feel that our conversations only go so deep. It doesn't feel that bad since I have a lot of friends who fulfill that intellectual need but I feel like this would be important for me to have for a life partner. It would also be nice if I was with a POC instead of a white man. It's definitely not a necessity like the intellectual compatiblity piece. I think if I were to be with a POC instead of a white man that he would be able to better relate to me and as a result contribute to some discussions in my life pertaining to things related to my life experience as a WOC. This isn't something that I feel detracts from my current relationship. My current partner never said anything stupid, short sided, or ignorant. He is attentive to my perspective and he takes the intiative to educate himself on different things that can affect me or our relationship. However, there is only so much he can contribute to a conversation and relate to me simply because of his lack of life experiences. And that isn't something that's in his control which is why I don't see this as something that detracts from our relationship nor do I see this as something valuable to bring up as he is already doing what he can in his control. And guess who is a man who is a POC and is intellectually compatible with me? The one guy I really liked in high school that took me forever to get over because I never actually dated him (hence the quotations above). I'm not in contact with him any more and haven't been for the last 5 years. I don't have romantic feelings toward this person and I'm pretty sure that he has been dating men since I've last seen him. This kind of feels like the 80-20 rule that I've come across in some dating advice video I saw I along time ago. Basically, the best that anyone can do is fulfill 80% of your desires since people can't be everything for us. But even if you are in a healthy and loving relationship with the 80%, sometimes people have the desire to leave that relationship or to cheat when they find a person that has the 20% they are missing. And because that 20% is something that is missing, it feels bigger than 20% and can often feel like a 100%, like that person who isn't your partner is the complete package. As a result, some people fall into the trap of chasing after that 20% thinking it's a 100% and then when they get with that person and realize that they were only a 20%, they realize that they traded in an 80% for a 20%. The guy I liked in high school feels like that 20% in this instance, however, I'm well aware that he is a 20% instead of a 100%. Even though I know that the guy I liked back then and I are not compatible or healthy for each other, I do still find myself drawn to him due to the fact that he was the last man who I felt like I was intellectually compatible with. This honeslty just manifests as me stalking his instagram page and me dreaming of running away to the north east and reconnecting with him as a friend. As for the part about quitting my job and moving across the country, I feel like I wrote a good amount of that earlier in my journal regarding on how my job is stable and is making me happy for now but isn't fulfilling and as a result sustainable long term. And my previous post is about how my inner teenager had this dream of leaving Texas lol. So I'm not going to be overly repetitive here. Ultimately, I do see myself making changes in my life, just not now even though I have the impulse to do so. I don't think it's wise to leave a perfectly good partner and a perfectly good job before I gain more experience professionally and before I deepen this relationship and let it run it's course since it is still pretty fulfilling for me.

I do think that it would be healthy for me to move out in order to gain independence and responsibility as a self-sustaining adult. Plus my home life isn't the healthiest and I don't have much freedom here lol. I'm currently living in dallas and compared to most major cities, it isn't the worst in terms of cost of living. I'm not working in IT but I am working in tech and it's a relatively low stress job.

Listening to my Inner Teenager So in these last couple weeks or so I've been trying to be more in touch with my inner teenager as a way to figure out what I can do with my life that would make me feel more fulfilled. I wrote a little bit about this before but I didn't really get into it all that much. I wanted to write about this today because yesterday, I opened TikTok and I was innundated with bad news ranging from things regarding a trans genocide, Texas trying to make it so that people who try to get an abortion get the death penalty, and Tennessee trying to make it legal for a clerk to deny a marriage because it is interracial, interreligious, or gay. Obviously I'm not going to let a TikTok cause me to spiral so I decided to verify the news for myself. And then I started doomscrolling. Next thing I know, I felt this urge to take my friends run away, at least to a blue state if not to a different country. Many of my friends are trans and I can't imagine what they maybe going through. I feel unsafe as a cis woman of color. This reminded me of how I felt similarly upon the election of Donald Trump back in 2016/2017. I found myself wanting to run away, to travel, to be more educated, to surround myself with diverse people, so that I can socially, intellectually, physically, and politically distance myself from happening. And while I have a tendency to cringe at myself and my angsty tendencies at times, not all of my grievances between 15-19 were fueled by angst, much less hormones. I think we tend to write teenagers who are dealing with some really real shit as angsty and hormonal in the same way we write women, poc and other marginalized people as hysterical when they express pain. And while some of my perspectives and some of the reasons why I felt somethings so deeply was a result of me not having enough perspective due to me not living long enough to have life experiences that can show how vaired life can be, some of those feelings and grievances were very real. I'm talking issues related to eating disorders, late stage capitalism (though I didn't know what that really was yet), difficult family dynamics, political issues, etc. For now I want to focus my attention on the desire to move. I don't think my problems will all be solved if I move out of Texas or the U.S. I'm still going to face marginalization. Teenage me had a more idealistic view of this and thought that a lot of things will get better if I move and that if I don't I'm going to be absolutely miserable. And then when I realized that I'm going to face shit no matter where I went, I found myself spiralling at that age because I felt like I couldn't escape. I will say that even though I have the same desire to move, it isn't as strongly and emotionally charged as it was before because I have a more realistic view of moving and the stuff it can come with it, from having to build your life from scratch, adjusting to a new place, having the funds etc. as well as an acceptance that I'm going to deal with some form of bs no matter where I go. But now, I feel like my desire to move is more rooted in the legal issues that are happening here (i.e. Roe v. Wade overturning) rather than simply wanting to find my people and a sense of belonging. I remember thinking to myself last night now I feel like I'm too poor to move elsewhere in this country like in a blue state for example. Sure I know my income will adjust to the cost of living, but also, I'm a stingy bitch. While I'm currently content with living in Dallas for the time being to keep up with my friends and figure out adulthood in my own pace, I did feel a sense of disappoinment associated with living my life like this forever. And I think that sums up the way that I feel about a lot of things in my life from my current partner, current job, current living situation, current friendships, etc. It's good for now, but it isn't good forever. And I'm not sure how to define how long "now" is. Is "now" for the next 2 years? 5 years? I think getting to a point of contentment is crucial for me to figure my life out and I'm really greatful for the now, even with all of the downsides. Maybe "now" is until I have a clearer idea as to what I want with my future and I feel the need to make moves to build my life accordingly.

Would you include avoiding spending money on experiences that could grow you like traveling or spending time with friends (occasionally getting dinner with friends or paying during dates) as things that could backfire? I’m not talking partying or drinking etc. when I mean social activities nor am I talking about extravagant vacations.