soos_mite_ah

Travel around for a little bit (like a couple years or so) Buy a house and/or apartment in a walkable city potentially raise a kid if I decide to do so after getting married pursue higher education get a better career help friends and family who have to deal with things like student debt / issues with the housing market go to workout classes regularly (I don't rely only on workout classes for exercise but there are a few workout classes I have taken for free that I enjoy but they're like $30-$40 per class. I currently do them at most once a week with a discount I get from an app so it's more like $10-$15 instead. I'm just assuming this is a scenario where I would magically win a few million in the lottery rather than landing a job that gives me a hefty paycheck.

I'm not entirely sure since our work places are kinda far apart and he really likes living with his parents and spending time with them. His office is like less than 10 minutes away from his parents' house and he's like super into home improvement and little projects here and there so there is an additional layer of enjoyment he finds living in a house instead of an apartment lol. But we have also talked before on how it would be nice to live together since we do love spending time with one another, especially when it comes to those mundane little moments. I think the main thing stopping us is the thing with the workplaces being far apart, thus making this a logistical issue.

I'm living alone but I do have a boyfriend. I just clicked other.

Mastery vs the Ordinary I've been reflecting on the concept of mastery and the 10,000 hour rule where in order to be amazing in something, you need to put 10,000 hours towards it. I've mainly been contemplating this because I have been feeling aimless in the way that I feel like I'm not working towards a compelling goal careerwise at this time. I've also caught myself comparing myself to the other people in my life who appear to be working towards a compelling goal and really clocking in the 10,000 hours in the form of high education by going to law school or medical school or by working crazy long work hours in consulting, research, and accounting. And I caught myself feeling mediocre in the face of that thus resulting in an existential crisis where I clock into work wonder wtf I'm doing with my Sisyphean life and old insecurities to crop up. One of the insecurities that has shown up for me is my inability to work crazy long hours. Hell, sometimes I find myself tired after a 40 hour work week much less 60-80. Not to mention as a student in college that I wasn't exactly the type of person who had 2 jobs, was involved on campus, was going out every weekend from Thursday to Sunday, while still managing to maintain a 4.0 GPA. And as a result, I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder. But I think it really helped that in my current job, everyone is doing things at their own pace and I'm not in a hyper competitive bubble of my own peers. I was able to slow down and still manage to pick up on the skills I need to do well in my role. Eventually, I came to the realization that my friends who are putting in crazy long work hours or pursuing a specialized professional degree aren't necessary special or superior to me rather they're putting in their 10,000 at a faster rate or they are more structured in clocking in those hours because they aren't as aimless in clocking in those hours. Another thing that I recall from the forum is that there is a good chance that you have already started clocking in your 10,000 hours without realizing it solely from engaging with hobbies and interests you have. And that makes sense in my context because I feel like even though my friends are super accomplished on paper, the ways that I stand out are in the ways I give good advice on relationships, mental health, and over all a sense of guidance, how I have pretty on point takes politically and culturally, and my sense of media literacy. Sure, the things I have just listed aren't coming in the form of a degree nor are they things I'm clocking in hours for at my job but it's still work that I have put in, even if it didn't feel like work as I've been clocking in my 10,000 hours. I think we also have this view of mastery that with being a master comes money or fame of some sorts. I think the first people that comes to mind for me personally in terms of mastery are talented actors, singers, artists, entrepreneurs, professional athletes, video essayists, public speakers etc. But what about the regular masters who aren't in the limelight making millions? I have encountered a few of these in my life often in academia given that I was in college for a decent chunk of time. I also feel like I encounter this in my corporate job as well since it does take some time to accumulate the skills to troubleshoot and help clients with the software well enough to where you can also teach people in the company as well. I say this to say that you don't have to be exceptional in the sense of being larger than life in order to have valuable skills that you have mastered. That is a realization I had to have in order to deal with my mundane life and acknowledge that even though I feel aimless at times, that doesn't mean that I'm not working towards mastering things I care about. I might not have a super lofty goal like getting through law school, training for a marathon, trying to travel through every country in the world, or building a business or following on social media with a specific niche but that doesn't mean that my work is not going to amount to any thing. Here are some ways that I've put in work towards my purpose of understanding and improving the human condition: Understanding the human condition on a personal level: journalling therapy + self help self reflection meditation Understanding the human condition on an individual level: reviewing various social dynamics in my social circle and reviewing research that comes out on various topics helping my friends through their issues while taking their specific situation and tendencies into context listening to other people's life situations and applying them to my own or drawing parallels with what other individuals are encountering regularly socializing with my friends and understanding them on a deeper level taking things I learn about the human condition on a personal and societal level and applying it to individuals and their specific situations Understanding the human condition on a societal and global level: getting a social science degree and taking classes ranging from sociology, political science, history, religion, and anthropology watching various video essays on politics and social/human rights issues + staying updated on current events reading books on various things I'm interested in such as policy, history, and international relations learning about different cultures and watching documentaries about different places travelling + exposing myself to different experiences and ways of doing things (especially in regards to trying new foods and cooking) trying to learn other langauages even if it's me just doing 5 min daily duolingo lessons lol I came to a lot of this not by being super structured in my purpose but by either following my bliss or dealing with things in my life that were pressing enough to develop certain skills. I think I started off more with the category of understanding the human condition on a personal level as I was working through a lot of trauma and difficulties of my upbringing which gave me a lot of purpose until that came to more of a resolution in the last year or so. I might not have something I can physically point to or flex regarding the work I have poured into myself since much of it was internal, but that doesn't mean that I didn't put in the work in the first place. And it shows in the way that I move through the world, evaluate situations, and the type of life I have built for myself. I also think nowadays, i find myself gravitating towards the 3rd category and that is the category that I'm thinking that I want to focus my career and hobbies towards. I know the life purpose talks about finding your purple cow or finding a niche that causes your form of mastery to stand out amongst the rest and there is merit to that. But I don't think that in every case that it has to do with being exeptional and larger than life. Sometimes it's you specializing something in your field like being an immigration lawyer for people with specific life circumstances, or maybe it's the specific way or the personality that shows through your technique like for example if you were to be a master in being a teacher in early childhood education. I guess I'm saying this to help bring the notion of finding your niche or purple cow down to earth to something more tangible as it doesn't always manifest in a clean cut way in situations outside of art or entrepreneurship. This is a video that I find myself resonating with lately: The video starts out with the creator talking about how she tended to feel emotions in a very big way growing up and how she would feel really intensely in love with people but since she perceived herself to be incredibly average, she had a hard time imagining that someone would feel this way towards her thus leading her to eventually start trying to overcompensate for her self perceived averageness by trying to be exceptional in something, in her case it was music. She goes on to explain how in the early days of social media when people were mainly just following people in their inner circle and influencers weren't as much of a thing, that having a talent and being really good at something felt like a rare, exceptional thing. There wasn't as much exposure to how much talent that was actually out there because usually the image you had consisted of a certain celebrity or a kid in the school talent show. And because we didn't have as much exposure and access to celebrities compared to what we have now in social media, it was easier to deify them and put them in a pedestal because that type of curated image and attention was more rare back then. And this creator took that notion that talent is scarce and that she needs to be exceptional to be loved and just ran with it in her teens and early twenties But as time went on and as we have gotten to the age of short form content and specialized algorithms, it feels like everyone and their mother is really exceptional at something. Which isn't a bad thing because it lets us acknoweldge the extraordinaryness in otherwise ordinary people which can be beautiful, but it also makes it seem that being exception isn't enough or that it isn't all that. She also goes on to talk about how we tend to value outward facing talents like being really good at painting for example over inward facing talents such as being exceptionally kind. The later tends to be more frequently overlooked by others and even by ourselves. I guess after being on social media for a while, I found myself feeling the same way about mastery and celebrity culture. I found myself feeling the same way towards acknowledging my more inward facing talents that I have built up over the years and how that corresponds to a more external form of mastery that my friend circle engages in more. And while I didn't feel the need to be exceptional in order to get validation from others, I think there has been a part of me throughout my years in the education system that made feel like I needed to be exceptional to myself to access a certain type of self love. That is something that I've been trying to unlearn while acknowledging that I'm not this aimless blob that has nothing going on, that I do have things that I'm working towards even if it doesn't seem like the typical image we have when we picture mastery. Mastery isn't as uncommon as our egos would like us to believe but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth pursuing or that it doesn't amount to much to be in the 1% of something, even when that means that there are still millions of people at the same level as you or better. I think it's important to pursue mastery for it's own sake when it comes to pursuing your life purpose regardless if this is a hobby you have or something that manifests in your career path. And that also means taking things at your own pace and not trying to rush clocking in the 10,000 hours by working unsustainable hours. Not to sound cliche, it's about the journey and if you genuinely enjoy it, you're not going to be counting down on those 10,000 hours to be done and over with so you can have that sense of glory at the end of the journey. And honestly, in most cases of mastery unless it's in a glamorous field, the end of the journey when you become a master at something after clocking in the 10,000 hours is going to be anticlimactic (or hell for all I know the glamorous fields also have this sense of things being anticlimactic once you actually experience certain things instead of just building it up and idealizing it in your head). Like for example, as a teacher, maybe the end destination of mastery is retiring modestly and occasionally having your former students get back to you on how impactful you have been on their lives rather than becoming famous and being this larger than life figure. Maybe all I know for now is that I'm pursuing my interests and I don't know where it will lead in the end, if it leads any fixed destination at all in terms of being exceptional. I guess at the end of me contemplating this, I've been learning to come to terms with my own ordinaryness and mediocity and how performing well and being exceptional isn't always going to be a by product in my journey to mastery nor does mastery gurantee a career or something grand. Nevertheless, it is still something that can give me a sense of purpose for doing something for it's own sake.

I do think that hyper sexuality is more emphasize in the west but even though there is more mainstream and feminist push back around the notion that a woman's sole role is to be a mother, it's still very prevalent especially among my parent's generation (boomers/ gen x) which then bleeds into mine and we need to unlearn a bunch of things. But the whole notion of someone being less of a woman because they didn't have a natural birth (took an epidural, had a C-section etc.) or chose not to breastfeed is like the epitome of first world problems. I've never looked at a person and been like *oh that guy was a C-section or formula baby.* So much of it is women policing one another and I feel like it has parallels with the first world incel guys who are like **men aren't real men any more because we're not dying in war and struggling.** Because people who are forced to give a natural birth due to a lack of alternatives or shipped off to war aren't going to romanticize it the way the people who have a choice do.

Yes women are talking about this. You just aren't in the communities where it's being discussed. There are women who talk about being high value woman (as cringe as it is at times), not being a pick me (basically someone who throws other women under the bus for male validation), and there are a lot of social pressure around milestones like getting married and becoming a mother. As unfortunate as it is, there is a subset of women who will look at you as if you're less than or not womanly enough if you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married after a certain age or if you decide not to have kids all together. And even then, when you go into like the black hole that is mommy blogs, there are women who think that you aren't as much of a woman if you decide to get the epidural vs natural birth or if you want to feed your child using formula because you don't want to or you can't breastfeed. There are women who don't see you as womanly enough if you look a certain way or ascribe to a certain beauty standard (and a lot of it has roots in racism as well). And if you're still not convinced, just search up finishing schools. We might not have the same language as y'all have about being a "real man" but that doesn't mean that we aren't having these conversations as well.

Upper Middle Class I feel like I'm more swayed by rampant consumerism these days because I actually have money of my own whereas throughout my teen and college years, I mainly used my parent's money for necessities like textbooks, groceries, and the occasional lunch out with my friends. Even if I did treat myself to something, I was always careful with my spending since I was under the impression that this was their money and not mine so I have to be responsible and reasonable with what I was spending my money on and how much it was for. And I don't think this is a bad thing, quite the contrary. But I guess it's hitting me that even though financially I'm upper middle class both in terms of my own income, how it compares to my bills, and my savings and I have grown up upper middle class for most of my memory, I'm not socially upper middle class. And I think that I have this sense of morbid curiosity towards the spending habits of some upper middle class people that i guess I could afford but wouldn't do myself because I don't prioritize the same things. Even though I grew up with financial security without having to worry about how I'm going to pay for college and how I would deal with any emergency, including health emergencies, and I could afford most things, I could not relate to the other upper middle class people I went to college with. I think there is some diversity among upper middle class upbringings. A lot of the people I grew up with and the people I'm cool with now, they might be upper middle class but they had more of a middle class upbringing because 1. they were around some degree of socioeconomic diversity and 2. their parent's had middle class habits and life styles because they lived below their means and passed that mindset on to their kids. In other words, they have touched grass. Sometimes I walk into stores and feel like I don't belong there. I will use Sephora as an example. Like... who tf do I look like spending $25 on lipgloss and $50 on skincare for one thing?!?! And it's not like a feeling of inferiority. It's more of not being able to relate to a certain life style or habit of consumption. Like that $50 is gas money. I'm not spending that on a moisturizer when I found a moisturizer that works great and lasts me for 8 months for like $12 at Walmart. Then there is Wholefoods. You can get the same shit from the organic section of a grocery store like Target, Walmart, and Sprouts and have it taste the same for less money. There's also the bougie hipstery restaurants. You know, the places where they use arugala for their burgers, you have to order on a pin pad and the customer service people probably won't talk to you and will ask for a tip on the ipad they're using to run you up. Also, they don't accept cash and their burgers are like $20 and aren't really all that, and they all have the same generic Instagramable hipster vibe. It's not a question of authenticity. You can have hipster and fusion places that are unique and interesting and that make good food. But a lot of them just scream gentrification and they give me the same vibe as a Millennial from like 2013 with a moustache tattoo that is lecturing you on craft beer. There's the people who can Doordash 3x a week and comfortably be able to afford that. Even if I could afford (and I can), it's just so financially wasteful. Everytime I open the app, I immediately delete it after rethinking my life choices when I see a McDonalds meal that is like $20 after delivery fees and tips. I have occasional days where I crave something that I can't really replicate or I just really don't feel like cooking but in my mind, if I don't want to get up and get it myself, I say to myself that I don't want it enough to justify having it delivered through a food delivery app. There's the normalization of various beauty treatments for women who are upper middle class that's like getting your brows done, getting waxed, getting your nails done etc. And all I can think of is how much that shit adds up when you're doing it twice a week on repeat. I get wanting to treat yourself every now and then or if you have a special occasion, but when this is your regular, it just doesn't compute in my mind and the priorities I have with my money because you can literally do all of this by yourself for a fraction of the cost. And with social media there are people who are getting medical grade facials monthly which can run you like $100 to $200 each and botox is getting normalized like they're a pair of acrylics. Speaking of social media and the over consumption there, I feel like there is so much more social capital to be had with mindless consumption for the sake of trends for those who are upper middle class as opposed to those who are middle class and lower. I'll use the Stanley cup as an example, a $40 water bottle. I feel like lower middle class people and lower will see this as absolutely ridiculous. Middle class people will see it as overpriced and ridiculous but might get like 1 or 2 (1 for the house and another for the office) if they really like it. But they'll think about it first due to the price and they know it's not that deep. Upper middle class people will buy a collection of this so they can coordinate with their outfits and so they aren't like left out of their peer group since EVERYONE has one and spending that kind of money isn't really a big deal. I'm obviously stereotyping here but basically, I think upper middle class people are more prone to overconsumption because they actually have the money to participate in such trends and if enough people in their social circle are doing something, they just give in because it won't hurt their wallet. Financilly, I can afford that type of hyper consumerist life style to a certain degree. If I wanted to, I could get my eyebrows done and nails done 2x a month, get doordash 2x a week, and buy random shit I don't need but I'm not about that life because I believe in living below your means when it comes to consumer spending. I might have an entry level job but I'm fortunate enough that I don't have student loan deb and I have a car that is paid off because I'm using a hand me down from a relative. And I live in an affordable area. But I don't even want to engage in that life and it feels weird that people in my social class has normalized things like this because I can't relate and I feel out of place despite the fact that the math is mathing on paper as far as income and assets go.

CVs and resumes are more or less the same thing. A lot of other countries say CV while in the U.S. we use the word resume. But I do believe the slight difference is that CVs put more of an emphasis on the education section whle resumes focus more on years of experience. It's a cultural difference from one part of the world to another if you ask me.

A Littile Mid-Year Check In Positives first: I have figured out how I feel about my family and my dealing with my family relationships going forward. I have communicated things with my dad and we figured out a plan for the future. I will say that this gave me a lot of peace of mind emotionally and financially. Gained some clarity around my romantic realtionship. I have a better reltionship with food since I'm working with a nutritionist. I have a less restrictive and over all healthier view of money, finances, and spending. I'm getting better at cooking for myself and others. I have hosted get togethers at my place a couple of times. I fasted for Ramadan successfully and got some growth out of that particularly around feeling present. I've been posting on tiktok somewhat frequently and I have been enjoying the process while addressing my anxiety around being seen lol. I've reached 70 days on my Duo Lingo Spanish streak I've been working through my insecurities around my feelings about mediocrity and humility. I've also been reconnecting with my sense of purpose in my life. I'm planning for my trip later this year across Asia. I've been working through things regarding my feelings around life purpose, the absurd, and how my life feels like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up a mountain. I haven't been feeling a constant underlying sense of dread as I did earlier in the year. But I will say, I'm not too excited about the upcoming election and I do find myself getting irritable at times when I see the news because it pokes at my feelings around instability. I've been feeling more confident in my image of myself as an adult (I was dealing with a bit of *I feel like a 23/24 year old teenage girl complex earlier this year and around my birthday*) Negatives: I've gotten in the habit of isolating myself and it's been a little difficult getting out of it. I've lost the habit of working out regularly I've been dealing with some low grade depression due to seasonal things, a lack of purpose, hormonal issues etc. Health hasn't been great. Recently I've lost my appetitie and my hormones feel off. I haven't been volunteering as I wanted to this year.

Found a few quote under a youtube video that I liked and wanted to take note of:

Integrating the Life Purpose Course I have taken Leo's Life Purpose Course three times, once when I was 19 after my first year of college, another time at 21 during the pandemic, and most recently at 23 after getting my first job. Each of these times I took the course I was coming from a place of feeling lost or uncertain about my future and what to do next, you know, the typical feelings people get in young adult hood. And honestly, I think it's great I took this course multiple times because it felt like a good frame work for figuring things out. I don't think it was a failure on my part to revisit it so many times because I feel like when you're young, there is so much variability regarding how you are growing and all of the things you're experiencing that's giving you new information and insight about your future and what really resonates with you. While I didn't retake the Life Purpose course a fourth time, I did revisit the list of videos and reviewed a few of the topics. I found myself reflecting on the topics that were discussed and how I felt as if I intellectually grasped the lessons at 19 and then emotionally grasped the lessons at 21 and 23. I think as I'm getting older, different things are coming up in my life along with different existential crisis. I think my last post can be summed up by me rethinking the concept of mastery, commitment, the 10,000 hour rule (though I didn't discuss it in the post above I did contemplate it a lot during my recent existential crisis) to name a few. The best way I can decribe it is that the concepts in my life purpose course were seeds that were planted in my mind at 19 and then at 21 and 23 I gave it more fertilizer for it to grow. And now, while I did have the concepts and frameworks in mind, I'm more easily able to articulate the insights I'm having as well as grounding what I know intellectually and emotionally into my life experience. I can't say that I have my life purpose figured out. At times I feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle in front of me and I'm still trying to draw connections so that I create the picture that I want. I feel like the picture is a work in progress but as I integrate these insights into my life experiences, it's helping me draw more connections. I will be honest, I do feel a little silly that after doing the course three times that I still haven't figured my purpose out. The process of integration is long and I think it's taking a few years because well, I have some growing up to do and I'm still figuring out the various opportunities that are out there and how the adult world functions. As a result, a lot of things are shifting and changing when it comes to my goals in life and it doesn't hurt to contemplate and remind myself to water the seeds that were planted years ago and check up on them.

May 2024 I've been having an existential crisis for the last month/ month and a half and as a result I've been mildly depressed. I haven't been journalling about it here mainly because my offline journalling was so all over the place that it didn't feel cohesive enough for me to create a post in my journal. I’ve noticed that I have this tendency to base my worth on my ability to perform. I think this takes it’s root in my childhood where my mom would always tell me that if I’m not good in school that all of my friends will eventually leave me behind. I was fed this notion that if you didn’t get good grades, go to a good college, and have a lucrative job that you will be starving and homeless. I was told that I had to be competitive and the best academically and professionally. And while I pushed back against this notion as a child, I think I still ended up internalizing it on some level unintentionally and it’s bubbling up despite the fact that I’m in a relatively stable place in my job. I feel like I need to perform in order to be loved and valued. As an employee, I have to do an amazing job in order to be valued at a company. As a friend, I have to be the one who is reaching out and I have to be interesting and engaging. As a girlfriend, I feel bad if I'm not performing well sexually which is a whole thing that I need to unpack tbh. As a daughter, I have to care for my parents even if they treat me badly. As a student, I have to get good grades, do a bunch of extracurriculars to show how well rounded and good at multi tasking I am, and manage to keep down a job or two to support myself and show that I’m not a privileged spoiled brat. And finally, as a person, I need to be having some great impact on the world and be doing something that requires exceptional work ethic and talent or else I’m just wasting my life and being an NPC. I think I’m just dissatisfied with the type of work I’m doing right now and it all just feels very purposeless and that is manifesting as feelings of insecurity. I look at my job and I just think that it’s kind of a bullshit job because I don’t think it really contributes to society much and even though I have ways of advancing, I guess it feels dead end to me because the ways that I can advance does not interest me all that much. Then I got to thinking about all of the jobs that my head thinks is worth a damn and I came up with this Venn Diagram. Upon further reflection and unpacking in therapy, I have come across the following conclusions. Prestige: I think this factor impacts me because of the way that education is seen as a status thing to a certain extent in South Asian communities. This isn’t happening anymore but my mom has come up to me on various occasions being like *so when are you getting your masters, everyone else your age already got there’s* And I know that a masters degree doesn’t make sense for me right at this time but I guess there is a part of me that feels less than because I struggled in college and I don’t think I could get into law school or med school or an exclusive career like working in D.C. Like my friends are out here doing these big things with their lives and I’m stuck in a silly little office job because I don’t have what it takes to do more. My mom also in the past said things along the lines on how I lack discipline and a work ethic because I have yet to commit to a path. I also just can’t help but feel that everyone around me are going to be well established and be successful within the next 5-10 years and I’m just going to be stuck in this type of role because I don’t feel like I’m working towards anything meaningful or that requires a lot of specialized skill. It is this notion of proving to myself that I am smart enough, capable enough, and remarkable enough to get a position like being a doctor, lawyer, accountant, etc. I feel like I just crave the feeling that I’m working towards something that feels worthwhile for me and that I wish I had the discipline that the other people in these careers have. Basically, I think amidst my self deprecation, I think there is this desire to master something and work towards it. I guess I didn't see the value of that as much as I do now. And I guess that makes sense because another thing I found myself doing lately is watch videos about people working towards and acheiving goals that I personally don't find myself pursuing ranging from training for a marathon, visiting every single country, hiking on the Appalacian trail for 6 months, etc. with the awe of doing something for the long haul for the sake of mastering something you care about. Helping people: When I think of careers that help people, the first jobs I think of are teachers, nurses, and service workers. And while I don’t want these exact careers, I do want to feel some sort of purpose at my job in regards to doing something worthwhile. Another thing I think of is how these jobs are also often overworked and as a result, my first thought is that I’m not built like that and I’m not capable of putting in those hours and dealing with that kind of bs. That’s the thing that makes me feel less than, the fact that I can’t put in long hours towards something that is selfless and worthwhile in society. It makes me feel like I’m not all that capable of making an impact and helping people at a larger scale because I don’t have the skills to work under pressure, to deal with difficult people, and do something that involves actual stakes. In my cushy corporate job, I have the privilege to say that so many of our work emergencies are fabricated because in the end of the day, it’s not like we’re saving lives. And while that gives me a sense of relief and perspective to not freak out over something insignificant in the moment, I think in the long run it can feed into this notion that my job is not important or worthwhile. And to be honest, it probably isn’t. If my position and company disappeared into thin air, the world would be fine. Maybe inconvenient for property managers and their financial statements, but generally speaking, they’re fine. The same cannot be said about doctors, grocery store workers, and postal workers. Making Money: I think much of this has to do with my economic anxieties when I unpacked this in therapy. I think out of the 3 circles, this is the least impactful to me because I don’t look at investment bankers and think about how I wish I had their careers since the lifestyle associated with it seems so miserable. But I have this mean girl voice in my head that’s like *is it that you don’t want to do it or is it that you aren’t capable of doing it and you’re just hating from outside the club?* And I feel insecure about not being the type who can work like 60-80 hour weeks. I know this isn’t something to be glorified because it’s literally labor exploitation but I guess it’s easier to beat yourself up for not being able to meet certain expectations because some people do appear to carry the burden well than to criticize the system for overworking people. Like I feel inferior to investment bankers and consultants to an extent because there are times in my cushy office job that I feel tired from working 40 hours in a week. a lot to do with the hustle culture illusion that just because you’re making a lot of money from long hours that this somehow makes you more hard working and more important compared to others and that you’re somehow contributing more to society and your money is evidence of the market righteously rewarding you. And this sense of righteousness tied to your financial status is indicative of how we put a moral value on how much we work and make because ~~~***cApiTALism BaByyyyy***~~~Like the mean girl voice loves to tell me that I don’t have what it takes to be successful because of the ways that we associate success with working long hours or even have what it takes to get one of these types of jobs. And by having what it takes, I’m referring to how I didn’t do a million extra curriculars in college, how I had a mediocre GPA, and how even by the grace of god if I got an opportunity like that despite my stats, I wouldn’t last 2 months much less 2 years. A lot of my friends are working 60-80 hour weeks, even if they aren’t investment banks and consultants, and while I feel bad for them and I wish they had the same work life balance I have, I also sometimes look at them and think how they are so much more stronger and more hard working than me, that they can withstand it while I sometimes struggle with the workload of my standard 9-5. I guess sometimes I feel like the only way to be successful is to work an unsustainable number of hours and since I’m trying to do things sustainably, that I’m some how weak, or slow, or overly sensitive, or not ambitious enough. Conclusion: Besides these 3 Venn diagram circles, a common theme that you may be picking up that all of these careers have in common is that they require a lot of work and a lot of hours. And I suppose this is where my internalized sense of capitalism and ableism comes in because I’m basing my worth on how well I can perform and how much I can produce. And since I’m one of the few people in my friend group who isn’t working crazy hours, I can’t help but wonder if I’m going to be alright careerwise. I see my friends who are working towards law school or who are gaining a lot of valuable experiences (and money) in consulting, or who are working in D.C. with a ton of opportunities and I can see how that is setting them up for success. And I guess, my path seems more unclear and it sometimes lead me to feel like I’m going to be working a dead end job even though that isn’t even the case with my current role since I have promotion opportunities. I guess it also feels dead end because the promotion opportunities in question don’t seem exciting or interesting to me and in a way it seems nice to have a path like med school where you’re motivated towards an end goal that excites you (and imo you have to at least somewhat like it because that shit takes forever and the student debt ain’t a joke). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I also feel like the middle class lifestyle that we grew up with is becoming more and more unattainable. It’s like the middle class of the past is basically the upper middle class today and that the upper middle class of the past is upper class now. I’ve also been feeling this constant state of instability for the past 10ish years due to the circus that has been politics. I also feel like Sisyphus because of how some things feel so unattainable. For boomers, they did have a mountain but they were able to roll the boulder up the hill and acheive things like homeownership and having kids. Meanwhile, Millenials and Gen Z it seems unlikely for most of us unless we had some sort of safety net or lived with our parents for a few years after getting a good job so here we are rolling up the boulder that is having a job or career without ever really reaching the top. And even if we do get close, there will be some sort of disaster or economic crisis that will cause it to roll back down. That's in the collective. On a more individual note, I feel this way about my corporate job because even though I like it and I like feeling productive and having a sort of structure to my day to day, in the end of the day, no matter how many calls I take and clients I help, there will always be more and that kind of leaves me feeling like *wtf is the point of this job and my role in it?!??!* I'm basically experiencing Alienation in a Marxist sense. Upon watching various videos about Sisyphus and Albert Camus’ whole thing about the absurd, I think the way that I hold careers that make a lot of money on a pedestal has to do with trying to have control in a meaningless and out of control world. And it makes sense right, with inflation, the pandemic, and the feeling I get with the constant instability around me where I encounter another uNPreSiDentED eVEnT. There’s this quote that I got from a youtube video that I posted earlier in this journal: “'How could we apply this in our own lives? We could just deny the unreasonable world.' This is the most common way to accept the world around us. Everyone makes up their own rules, their own goals. An example of this is religion, finding peace knowing there is an afterlife or monetary gain finding peace knowing that you'll have financial stability when you retire. But Camus rejected this idea of thinking one day we will be free. Instead, we should recognize that we're free at every moment, that heaven is on earth, rejecting the idea that one day we will understand the world, we will overcome death, or be happy one day. It's a lesson to remember. We must live our lives as much as possible rather than as good as possible because what is considered good is just another metric we humans made up. We don't chase after things for the heck of it. It's because of the experience of it in the same way that for Sisyphus, it's not about getting to the top, it's about the satisfaction of the task while you're doing it. Our lives are not far from similar to Sisyphus' punishment. If we're striving for money, when will it be enough? If we're striving for happiness, when will we be happy enough? What about power? It's never enough. It's just an endless race with no finish line but that's okay as long as you live in the moment." And I also found myself engaging in mindless consumerism which isn't really typical of me but I think it comes from wanting to fill the void with something materialisitcally satisfying to aspire to in a weird way. I didn't do this but I found myself watching videos of people spending hundreds of dollars on Sephora and Target self-care purchases. I did take myself on a little, much more tame, shopping spree and I do think that scratched the itch and demystified the fetishization that comes with advertisers and commodification. I think there was a part of me that wanted to take part, even if it's a little part, in that feeling of upper middle class abundance as something to aspire to and find meaning in. I found myself thinking of Sisyphus a lot but more importantly Camus' notion that one must imagine Sisyphus happy rolling a boulder up a hill to not have it be a horrible tragedy of a story. And it got me thinking about what my “rolling a boulder up a hill is.” What would I like to do for the sake of it? What do I want to master, not for the success that it may bring, but for the sake of expressing a very natural, authentic state of being. What is something that I can see myself easily put 10,000 hours into not in a sense that I’m trying to rush those 10,000 hours and be world class as soon as possible but something that I want to build at over time and really enjoy my journey with. I guess my main takeaways are the following: You need to ask yourself what you want to master for the sake of it and create a situation where your inner Sisyphus is happy. You need to find long term goals that feel worthy of pursuing and that you’ll primarily enjoy the journey along the way. You need to ask yourself how you want to help people and what feels like a worthy contribution You need to address your internalized ableism about working long hours and doing something deemed important and perform in order to be worthy. You need to pursue your sense of purpose in a financially sustainable way which can be difficult given the instability around you.

"So like as Sisyphus' task lacks any ultimate purpose or end, he argued that the same could be said about the human experience but rather than running away from the absurd, Camus tells us to confront it directly. We should revolt against our absurd condition by embracing life, creating our own meaning, and living authentically. There we can find happiness. Sisyphus has no concept of a better day or an afterlife. His experiences are tied to the here and now. Sisyphus embaraces the task and gives it his all., revolting against nihilism and despair. This allows him to be the master of his own story. He is free even in his punishment. Sisyphus is the hero in the story, a tragic hero at that. Camus imagines Sisyphus smiling as he goes down the mountain to start his task over again and gives us the picture that there's joy and contentment in embracing the struggles of life even though at the end of the day it's meaningless. 'How could we apply this in our own lives? We could just deny the unreasonable world.' This is the most common way to accept the world around us. Everyone makes up their own rules, their own goals. An example of this is religion, finding peace knowing there is an afterlife or monetary gain finding peace knowing that you'll have financial stability when you retire. But Camus rejected this idea of thinking one day we will be free. Instead, we should recognize that we're free at every moment, that heaven is on earth, rejecting the idea that one day we will understand the world, we will overcome death, or be happy one day. It's a lesson to remember. We must live our lives as much as possible rather than as good as possible because what is considered good is just another metric we humans made up. We don't chase after things for the heck of it. It's because of the experience of it in the same way that for Sisyphus, it's not about getting to the top, it's about the satisfaction of the task while you're doing it. Our lives are not far from similar to Sisyphus' punishment. If we're striving for money, when will it be enough? If we're striving for happiness, when will we be happy enough? What about power? It's never enough. It's just an endless race with no finish line but that's okay as long as you live in the moment."

A lot of elected officials are a bunch of old geezers with a ton of Cold War trauma due to the Red Scare blacklisting people as communist left and right, running through drills in the event of a nuclear detonation, and the threat of a nuclear World War 3 if Russia and America get into direct conflict. You also have the demonization of social services under the Reagan administration and the stereotype of welfare queens. And even though left wing populism and socialism =/= communism, old people tend to conflate the two. As a result, a lot of them resonate with right wing populism that plays on their racial and gender biases (i.e. women and immigrants are taking all of your jobs away) because it appeals to their economic and racial anxieties. Of course there are exceptions like Bernie who is basically appeals to the populism from the left. But it's important to note that back in 2016, when he first ran, waaaaay more people thought he was an insane communist than they do now. Before 2016, you couldn't say shit about capitalism without being looked at as if you have a third tit because it wasn't as much a part of the discourse for people who were center left. Sure, the right still has that communist grandpa image of Bernie, but center left leaning people have calmed down on that by a lot over the past 8+ years.

Quick Answer: sometime between 3-9 months shorter if you got to know each other prior to the romantic relationship and spend a lot of time together longer if you're taking your time to know each other and don't spend as much time together

I think you have a limitted view of what a habit is and you're mainly coming from a stage orange perspective. You can have a habit and still have it be flexible. Whose to say that getting ice cream once a week on a Tuesday is a habit but getting ice cream once a week but the day of the week doesn't matter isn't a habit. Sure, habits that aren't rooted in some form of authenticity is less likely to stick but it is still something that is possible. There are plenty of habits that I have, particularly related to my job, that I don't particularly like or see the point of, but I still continue it because sometimes being an adult and taking responsibility means doing things that you're not quite fond of doing and sometimes, flexibility is not the solution. Sure sometimes sucks at first, but eventually you get used to it and your brain gets used to certain pathways it created. That's where the indifference comes from and hell, sometimes you end up liking the once new behavior because your mind adapts in such away that it likes the comfort of familiarity and it got into the habit. Yes, this can be the case sometimes but just because it's true sometimes doesn't mean the whole of the habit thing is to be discounted.

It took me like 9 months to where I started saying it frequently. I think the first time I said it was when we were 7 months in. The first time he said that he loved me we were about 5 months along. I told him that I really liked him and that I'm heading towards that feeling but it's just taking me a little longer and that I'm no quite there yet but when I say it, I really want to mean it. He was very understanding and understood that just because we're on slightly different speeds that it wasn't a threat to his ego and it doesn't have anything to do with him or the relationship. It's also worth noting that when we started dating we barely knew each other so we were really getting to know each other from complete scratch so we took things slower in the early part of our relationship. I have a friend who she and her boyfriend started saying I love you about 2-3 months in mainly because they grew up together so they already knew each other pretty well but not necessarily in a romantic sense before the relationship. They were also seeing each other fairly frequently (like 3+ times a week) so they got to know each other pretty quickly in a shorter period of time. In contrast, my boyfriend and I during our first year of dating would really go on dates like once a week initially because I was busy with school and later because we lived about an hour away from each other. The point is that there is a variety of factors that go in to when it's a right time to say "I love you" from personal preference and the pace you tend to develop feelings, how long you've known each other, how much quality time you have spent together etc. So long as y'all have took the time to really know each other to the point where you're past the point of romanticizing them (basically when you've gotten to know them and not just the idea of them), I think it's fine to say I love you because a huge part of loving a person is knowing them.

Your home country and connecting flights where you stop on your way to your final destination don't count

3 weeks Post Ramadan I wanted to give myself time to recover health wise from fasting, deal with the ego backlash I was experienceing, and just letting my takeaways marinate for a little bit before journalling about how I feel like Ramadan has been affecting me. Here are some points I jotted down: I feel calmer about the future. I think me taking a month where I was forced to be present and focus on myself helped me rewire somethings mentally. I remember before Ramadan I was going through my gloomer phase of sorts which I have previously wrote about. I still encounter like a gloomer mood with current events but it isn’t this constant thing in the back of my mind as it used to be. The gloominess comes from thinking of past bad events and the prediction of that continuing or getting worse in the future. It isn’t focusing on the now, being mindful, or letting yourself be. And I was aware of it back then to. But fasting helped me I guess emotionally integrate that notion. I like how fasting has made me more mindful of how I spend my energy. This is because I didn’t have much energy to begin with during Ramadan and as a result, I had to get real with my priorities. I only really had enough energy to do my job, do some basic chores, and call my friends here and there. This forced me to cut out a lot of extra stuff that I was doing day to day. When it comes to some of the extra stuff, it was things I realized that I didn’t care much about but for other things like working out and hanging out with others, it made me realize how valuable it was because it was something that I couldn’t wait to get back to. I think it was also nice to be intentional with one thing for a month and be really disciplined with it. It was nice to look at other areas of my life and think *hey, I can press pause on this for a little bit, it will still be here after a month* whether that be for career stuff, social things, hobbies or any other little goals I have and just focus on my sense of spirituality. I have a new found appreciation about my health. After getting out of fasting and giving my body the time it needs to bounce back, I just feel really grateful for the energy I have throughout the day and the energy I have to do things such as work out and spend time with my friends. I also had a lot of issues with food and dieting over the years and even though it’s mostly handled prior to me fasting, I think fasting, in a weird way, helped have a better relationship with food. Going into it, I was skeptical about fasting because I was afraid it was going to trigger me but honestly, it helped me appreciate food as an energy source and as something that helps me get through my day instead of demonizing it. I also think that this greater sense of appreciation for my health has made me want to not diet in the future. It’s a bit counterintuitive but I think the way that my body reacting negatively to not eating enough during Ramadan and also how it took me about a week and a half for me to bounce back due to my hormones being out of whack because of the fasting (PCOS and restrictive diets with fasting does not fix well imo), made me think about the long-term damage I’m likely causing my having restrictive tendencies with food. I feel like I am more gentle with myself. I feel like I really had to be more gentle with myself during Ramadan due to my inability to focus at times, my low energy levels, and feeling like I'm stagnating in certain areas of my life. I am of the belief that gentleness and discipline have more in common with each other than not and I think for me at least, I tend to be more disciplined when I am gentle with myself. I think it's good that I got to work on my gentleness muscle more lately.

I think for me, the key to lasting habits is setting realistic goals and finding ways to work with yourself rather than against yourself. For example, I know it's popular to wake up at 5am or earlier in some productivity circles. For me, that didn't really work because I can't naturally fall asleep until 11/11:30 at night which meant that I was usually working with 6 or less hours of sleep. As a result, the habit of waking up at 5 that was supposed to make me more productive had the opposite result for me. As a result, I made a new goal to wake up at a time that made sense to me, like around 7 on week days and 8-9:30 on week ends because that is what is most sustainable for me and in that schedule, I do end up getting enough sleep, thus making me productive. I would say that despite waking up at 7 on most days, I'm still just as productive as someone who wakes up at 5 when you look at everything I've done by the end of the day. And yes, this is a habit that I had to create because if I gave myself no structure, I could easily stay up til 2 in the morning and wake up at 10am which I could get away with in college but this wouldn't be helpful now since I have a job and other responsibilities. Then there is working out. For me, working out 7 days a week is not sustainable because my body needs time to recover and I also have a changing schedule day to day. Instead, I aim to get 3-5 days of working out in where the days I choose is not set in stone but is flexible. If I don't achieve this, I still try to incorporate in some kind of movement throughout the day so that I don't feel sluggish from being too sedentary on a day to day basis.

A National Park Wedding For some reason, weddings are all that I could think about today. I don't know why. So I thought I'd journal about it. Ever since I found out that national park weddings were a thing, thing just clicked for me. I've never been the type of kid who fantasized about their wedding day. Weddings just seemed stressful to me, I don't like being in the center of attention like that, and I feel weird about grand romantic gestures or anything that can make an intimate relationship into a spectacle of sorts. And not to mention the cost of weddings. But instead of spending thousands of dollars on a venue, you're telling me that you could get something like this for $50-$200!!!!! Like it feels like a no brainer. I think the whole concept of a micro wedding got popular during the pandemic since you couldn't have large gatherings. And I'm here for it. For as long as I can remember I wanted a small wedding or just a simple elopment where we sign some documents and call it day. And with national park weddings, I think there is like a 50 guest limit which just feels perfect for me. I really don't like large parties in general because I find them over stimulating and it's hard to spend quality time with people and I definitely don't want that for my wedding day. I also don't want to deal with the financial and emotional stress large weddings can bring. I know people who after their weddings were like *I'm so glad that it's over and done with because wedding planning is stressful and your stressed and anxious the whole day because you want it to be perfect.* And I think that is so tragic to feel that way leading up to your wedding and on the day of. I want to spend time with people I really care about, enjoy myself, and be carefree. In the end of the day, I'm not going to remember the small details of the silverware or the invitation or how fancy the flowers were or the specific party favors all that much. But I will say, I can't think of anything more magical than getting married in a national park. Again, I've never been the type to fantasize about my wedding, but I can't help it when I see pictures from national park weddings. In a practical sense, you don't even have to stress about the details of decorating all that much because backdrop is already so magnificient. I also do want to do some more traditional things regarding my Bengali heritage. I do want to wear traditional desi clothes and do my makeup as such. I do want to do all of the traditional Hindu rituals as well. I love the makeup and the head piece in the first picture and I love the florals on the lehenga. I want to incorporate a lot of florals to the dress to go along with the naturey "venue" and have it be that classic red that you see in Desi weddings. For the guests, I would say they can wear what they would like so long as it's formal. It can be a formal dress you see in American weddings, something Desi, or something else formal from your own culture. Also, it's going to be a dry wedding since I don't drink and it's going to be child free because I don't want to deal with kids who get bored and might do something crazy out in a natural park. For the cake, I really like the naked cakes and cakes that are decorated with fruits and flowers. I feel like it scratched the cave man part of my brain and it just looks delicious. I can also just see myself taking the time to make a cake myself and with my groom since this is relatively simple to put together. Basically, something like this but smaller: I've also of course thought of the 25 people I would want to invite for my side of the wedding. I can fit my close friends and some family members in there. So the 50 guest limit thing seems very do able. I also made a little pinterest board and a playlist for all of my little thoughts. I hope I don't look back at this and cringe in like 10 years since it's kind of a trend now where people post about their cringy wedding or wedding pinterest boards from like 2008 to 2015. Tiktok is filled with videos like this lol. I saw a lot of coral and turquoise paired with chevron print.... Big oooofff. I also love the idea of having a live painter. I want to do the photography stuff with me and my husband in an earlier date so that we aren't caught up with it on the day of and just have the rest of the photos be taken by family and guests.

I just felt really seen by this video

@Vrubel Nice! Any words of advice when it comes to travelling to different places?

It can be that but it can also be visiting for a brief trip whether it's for vacation, family, work, or to go somewhere new to learn about different cultures.

Also, comment which place you enjoyed the most and what you really got out of the trip