soos_mite_ah

I feel like there isn't one set age rather there are factors involved that you want to consider: 1. Are you in a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship for at least a year or two (given that you aren't like in your teens or early 20s)?: This is the bare minimum but honestly a lot of people stumble on it because they're so focused on getting married / engaged and living life on a timeline of *I need to get married before 30* 2. Do you know what your long term plans are and what settling down looks like for you? : Having a healthy happy relationship is not enough to sustain a marriage. Both of yall need to have similar plans in life and a way that you can coordinate that. Big life decisions aren't something that you compromise on. Say one partner wants to have 3 kids and the other one wants to be child free. That's not going to work. Or say one partner wants to live in California and the other wants to live in Florida. Settling down in the middle in rural Kansas is going to make both parties resentful, bitter, and miserable with one another. And usually imo when you're under 25 ish, it's harder to say how you want to settle down and find a partner accordingly because you're growing and changing so much as a person than compared to when you are in your early 30s for example. 3. Are you and your partner financially stable and self sufficient? : Money becomes a huge factor in divorce so having this area of your life straightened out can help preventing a lot of issues. Both of you guys need to be self sufficient because being with a bum of any gender can create issues in the long term and cause the dependent party to feel trapped and the supporting part to feel obligated. In both cases, you get logistical issues and emotional problems since it creates conditions and dynamics where it's hard to be healthy, happy, and passionate. If there is a time you think you want to take time off work to take care of a child for example, have that conversation early on to see if you have similar expectations and ability to follow through on that and get a prenup to protect yourself legally. 4. Are you aware of the legal and financial implications of this decision? : I think marriage gets romanticized so much to where people forget that this is one of the most legally significant things most people do next to dying. Know your rights and how all of this works. Financially, this also goes back to the long term plans point. You guys need to be able to talk about money, how much you make, as well as any debts and financial goals you may have. For example, say you decide that you want a kid. Kids cost a fuck ton of money. In this case, it's not only necessary to marry someone financially self sufficient but depending on how you want to raise your child, you will need more than just self sufficiency from yourself and your partner.

Just a thought but there is something about writing on a forum about how much you have grown as a person using somewhat measurable means that feels a bit cringe and pretentious. I really hope I don't sound high and mighty and more concious than thou but instead that I show an frank take on where I'm at with my life lol.

Strategist, Construct Aware, and Unitive Stages I reread the 9 Stages of Ego Development paper and rewatched the video yet again. I took closer notes compared to last time back in 10/2022. I feel like certain parts of the Stategic states are things that I'm encountering more closely right at the moment compared to before. I find it interesting how there are so many things that I'm resonating with and how there are even things that I have worked through in the not so distant past (like in the span of the last six months to year and a half). I'm also excited to see who I'm going to become in this process in these next few years and what I'm going to understand / discover about life as a whole. I feel like, if I were to roughly quantify it as a way to visualize and conceptualize my development, that I'm 15% Strategist, 60% Construct Aware, and 25% Unitive. I found the Strategist stage as a list of thoughts, emotions and experiences that I've had in the past and that I've found my own conclusions for largely but at the same time there are a handful of things that resonate with me in the present which I will be writing about below. The Construct Aware stage still feels like my center of gravity. And finally, when it comes to the Unitive stage, I can understand everything in this section on an intellectual level, but I would say that I resonate with it emotionally about half of the time. And even then, I'm think I have some ways to go when it comes to being able to embody it and fully experience it. Nevertheless, I included a good portion of things I resonate with from that section and expressed my thoughts on it. I'm going to list those down below as well as the ways that I'm connecting it back to my regular life and my general thought process at this time. I don't feel the need to expand much on the Construct Aware Stage since I feel like it's my center of gravity and because I feel that the original paper does a better job at breaking things down than I could tbh. And if I were to copy and paste portions that I resonated with, I would just post the entire section and this post would be too long lol. I don't really see any of these as problems to be solved or things that I need to work through such as in the previous stages and in my previous posts. Even though my previous posts in this series focused on that more, I left out these types of reflections off for the sake of succinction and organization. It was also because some of the stages I wasn't experiencing fully at the moment but there was some unhealthy manifestations and residue that was left off from the past that I wanted to address to further my development.

Spiral and Ego Development Check I do these twice a year to see where I'm at as a quick temperature check. I forgot to do one last month towards the end of April so I'm doing one now. I'm also cleaning up the posts so that it's more cohesive and doesn't have commentary and crossed off bits from the previous times I have done this. But of course, you can look this up by going to the previous post. Closing thoughts: October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages. Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing June 2023: I think at this point it's kind of like I mixed all of the right ingrediants and followed the correct directions to making a lovely cake and now I'm just waiting for it to bake since I put it into the oven. I do have good money management skills and I'm waiting on my savings to accumulate over time. I am on a good path career wise and I'm waiting for that to develop over time as I gain more skills and experiences and see more of what is out there. My frontal lobe development is pretty on point and I'm watering the plants that are my good relationships and I'm watching them grow and flower. I think I have a really good handle on things and I'm on track to reach various goals. And now we wait for things to finish baking. I think I need to do another post delving into the construct aware and strategist stages even more.

Healing? The following weeks have been rough after the first week since the shooting. I haven't been writing much mainly because I don't think I had much to write about regarding the subject since I let our a lot of my thoughs and emotions in the previous posts. The week after my posts, I mainly found myself feeling depressed and frequently agitated at work with the occasional crying spells. The week after that was better during my waking hours but at nights I would frequently get violent nightmares. I also kind of caught myself feeling kind of burnt out from work, mainly because I haven't really used my PTO this year and because of the emotional burden. The nightmares have been fucking with me. Not only do they throw off my sleep schedule because I wake up in a terror and have issues with falling back asleep, but instills this weird panic response whenever I hear my alarm go off. Granted by alarm in the morning isn't super loud or obnoxious but still, I catch myself with a really fast heart beat and shortness of breath when I wake up to my alarm. This last weekend was Memorial Day. I found myself feeling much better after having a 3-day weekend and a 4 day work week. I had my boyfriend over while my parents were out of town and just being able to fall asleep next to him helped me feel safe. I've only had a couple of nightmares since then. I think the decrease in nightmares is attributed to time as well as his presance. This last week was still depressing, though more mildly compared to these past couple of weeks. I think it more so has to do with my strained relationship with my parents as well as how I haven't really been going out of the house since the shooting. Starting with my strained relationship with my parents, or should I say my mom. The honey moon stage of me being back home has been fading in the last couple of months but I think it ended when my mom brushed off with how I felt about this shooting. A few days after the event, she asked me how I was doing and I responded with something along the lines of *I'm just here, just trying my best to get through the day.* Mind you, this was less than a week out. And she responded with "oh, why??" Like GIRL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY?!?!?!? I managed to calmly explain that the shock of the shooting is still affecting me to which she just responded with a peppy "Oh, right" followed with nothing after. No "is there anything you want to share", no "please let me know if you need anything", no "I'm here for you." Honestly, that pissed me off. A few days later, she was like "why haven't you been going to the gym?" I then told her that I've been anxious about going out in public to which she responded with bringing up the few times I managed to get out in public and by saying how this isn't an excuse to physically let myself go. I felt really angry about this situation because of how out of touch, tone deaf, and short sighted it was. Like... where tf are your priorities?!?!?! She's more concerned about the fact that I'm not working out and me possibly gaining weight than me mentally dealing with a MASS SHOOTING. Anyways, that confirmed that even though I had a life transition that she's stil the same person despite very surface level change. I had a good crying session about this and various other things that have come up regarding my relationship with her in therapy so I have processed a lot of this stuff. As for going out of the house, my mom was referring to the time when I went out with my friend twice and how I had a birthday party that weekend as well. The former was with a friend who was graduating and leaving the country so those two times were the last time I could hang out with them until god knows when. The later was with a friend whom I didn't talk to in a minute and my other friend who was invited was leaving the state the next day. Other than that and going grocery shopping, I haven't really left the house. I think I got Chipotle on one day and icecream on another. But that's it. Even when I've been hanging out with friends, I've been making it a point to explain my situation so that we aren't in a super commercial and busy area because the last time I was there I started getting a panic attack out of nowhere. I've been trying to get myself to get out of the house more since I cannot keep functioning like this and because being cooped up in home with my parents is it's own kind of problem. I haven't gone out of the house since last Thursday. It's Satuday now so it's been more than a week. Normally the gym is the thing that gets me out of the house since I work from home. Also, I think not moving around as much is also affect my mentally. Not only that, but part of me just really misses going. That's something that I'm trying to get back into in the coming week. I've tried to get myself this week and it didn't work but it is what it is. Dealing with things like this takes time and it's important to be gentle with yourself. And even though I'm doing better, I still feel conflicted about that. I find it fucked up that I'm able to move on from this, especially since there were 5 different mass shootings on Memorial Day weekend last week. I did feel something again, that something being a sense of pessimissm and helplessness summed up by *here we go again.* Definitely, I'm still sad but I can see the numbness creeping back up again. But at the same time, while there is a part of me that feels like I'm underreacting, there is a part of me that feels like I'm overreacting. The overreacting has to do with how everyone around me seems to be dealing with this better than I am. It's just back to normal. Meanwhile, I can't sleep because of the nightmares and I went 2 weeks having crying spells. Like I feel like I'm reacting more even compared to those who I know who live in Allen, not to far away from the mall. I feel crazy and over sensitive for acting this way despite not being there and having less proximity. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm doing the absolute most, even while writing all of this out.

Yeah I get the concern. There was one a little more than a week ago near where I live in a place I frequent at. I had friends who had family members who were there that day and saw everything and knew one of the victims. I'm still shaken up by this as it's hitting so close to home. I think it's a normal response to be concerned about this due to the frequency and due to the possiblity that it can happen anywhere. It also means you're not completely desensitized. Sure there are worse things happening (you can say that about literally anything) but that doesn't mean that we downplay or normalize something like this, especially since it's preventable and doesn't happen nearly as much or nearly at the same deadly levels as in the U.S.

They're really pretty and they look like a thoughtful gift

Coping Friday: I just felt irritated all day. I woke up this morning after another nightmare and the alarm from my phone woke me up feeling panicked first thing in the morning. I couldn't focus on work and every time a customer wanted something, I just wanted to snap at them. Thank god I don't have to handle phone calls because typing and responding to them is an easier medium to feign interest, kindness, and compassion in. During and after work, I found myself mindlessly consuming tiktok videos of god knows what I guess in an effort to drown out my thoughts and emotions around the situation. I messaged my boyfriend saying that I wanted to talk to him for no particular reason mainly because I knew his voice and his pressance comforts me. I felt frustrated leading up to the call because I didn't just want to hear his voice but because I wanted to be in his arms so that I can feel a sense of peace and to feel supported. I'm not the type of person who does this type of thing but I was just really craving attention. We made plans before to meet up on Saturday at his house. We decided that we were going to make pizza at home and that before I got there that he was going to bring the ingrediants since I still feel uncomfortable being in public spaces. I still had a couple of crying sessions today thinking of the victims. Saturday: I woke up later than expected this morning and I rushed to get ready and go to my boyfriend's house since he lives an hour away. Thankfully I wasn't too late and we started make pizzas soon after. It was a fun little activity. We made enough for us two, his parents, and his mom's friend. His mom and her friend went out to some kind of town hall meeting regarding the shooting. We talked a little about it but mainly we were trying to keep our mind off of it. Later, after we had lunch, his mom's friend left, his dad left to do some errands, and his mom went out to do some yard work. I went to my boyfriend's room and we started cuddling because I told him how much I just wanted to be held. I had a good cry while talking about my thoughts and feelings about the victims and he comforted me during that time. I felt really supported and cared for while he held me close and ran his fingers through my hair. He kept telling me how he and my friend (the one whose uncle was in the shooting) are safe and that we'll all be okay. He tried to say that change will come from this but I honeslty doubt it. He also kept telling me that I wasn't over reacting and that I have every right to feel the way I do which made me feel validated and seen regarding my reaction to these events. We both continued comforting each other for the rest of the day until it was time for me to go. After being at his house, I went to meet up with another friend and their family. They just graduated and they are about to move out of college and later move abroad. This was essentially my last chance of seeing them until god knows when. I enjoyed having dinner with them and helping them pack up. It felt bittersweet since I'm definitley going to miss them, however, I'm happy about the opportunity they got and that as a trans person that they will be out of the U.S. considering the very concerning rhetoric. I still caught myself thinking of the victims. My friend had family visit for their graduation and in addition to their parents and sister, their 7 year old nephew came as well. I couldn't help but keep thinking of the little boy whose family got wiped out last week when I would talk and play with my friend's nephew. My friend did check in with me to see how I was doing and how the people I knew in Allen were doing as well. I really appreciated it but it was still challenging to stay completely present that day. Sunday: I woke up really late on Sunday since Saturday was a pretty long day. I was out from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm and I woke up at 10:30 am and fell asleep at 1:00 am. I was out and about for most of the day. I also had complicated feeling around mother's day pop up for me but that's a separate topic. I didn't have any nightmares the night before so that was nice even though I did a fair bit of rumination before I fell asleep. I definitly felt myself being more at peace the night before and on Sunday after being with my friend and my boyfriend. I really needed to be held by someone. I still generally speaking felt depressed about the situation even though I didn't have any crying spells. I tried to take my mind off of it by watching videos on YouTube but my mind just couldn't focus, not because I kept thinking of the shooting, but because I suppose I have some brain fog given how emotionally intense this last week was. I am dreading going back to work. I'm not sure how I will feel on Monday and if I'll still be irritated by having to work and live my life as if everything is normal. I have mentally made a list of all the things I want to talk about with my therapist on Tuesday given the stuff I talked about in this post and the prior posts. Overall, today was not very eventful but I think it was what I needed.

The Victims Wednesday: I still felt anxious and jumpy about the whole situation. I met up with a friend to get dinner and I caught myself having my heart beat faster and be out of breath at random moments. I also parked a little further away from the restaurant because of a lack of parking spaces and I caught myself feeling terrified of walking to the restaurant. My friend noticed this and help me calm down. The restaurant was crowded and our group was waiting outside for a table. I'm still anxious about just being out in the open so I waited inside, isolated from the rest of the group, trying not to freak out. I eventually go inside, wait in line for the bathroom, and wait in the bathroom for a couple of minutes until our table was ready because even being that close to the entrence freaked me out. Even during dinner, I caught myself being hyper vigilant of my surrounding where I was thinking of my closest exits and how I'd hide / react if a shooting were to occur. But most of today felt depressing more than anything. I kept thinking of the victims and their families, especially Christian LaCour and William Cho. My friends uncle was friends with Christian and would talk to him on a daily basis when going to work. My friend's uncle ran to find cover only to find his body on the floor long gone. Christian was around my age. I kept thinking of the grief and PTSD my friend and my friend's uncle are experiencing right now, of just seeing someone who is the same age as your nieces and nephews lying there in a pool of his own blood. I also can't help but think if my friend could have been one of the casualties that day, what it would be like finding her like that. I thought of William Cho, a six year old boy who had a birthday recently who when to H&M to return a few things that he got and whose parents and 3 year old brother were murdered while they were hiding in the bushes. He is the only one who survived in the family. I read a chilling account of a first responder who found the boy's mother crouched in a bush. When the responder turned the lady over, she had no face. He found a boy under her body and he looked as someone dunked him in blood. The little boy kept telling the man "my mommy is hurt, my mommy is hurt, please help her." Not only is this horrifying to be in your dead mother's arms drenched in blood with her face blown off, but it's unexplainably tragic for a six year old to be saved in this way to where there is only so much they can understand and process about the situation. Like, how do you continue living like that?!?!?! I wouldn't be surprise that on top of the trauma, the grief, the PTSD, that the kid would have survivor's guilt as well not only because he is the only one who survived but because they were going to return his clothes that day. That poor baby. That's all I can think about. That poor baby. I also thought of Aishwarya Thatikonda, a girl from south India who got an engineering job in Allen. I kept thinking about the process her friends and family are going through over seas. I'd imagine her getting this opportunity in a different country was very hopeful and exciting and after years of hard work, only for her and her friend to be gunned down in a seemingly normal day. Her friend survived and is now in stable condition but she died on her way to the hospital I believe. As someone who is familiar with the South Asian community in the Dallas area and knows of others who died violently and tragically and heard about what their families experienced over seas, I feel like I can put myself in their shoes. I also thought of Elio Cumana-Rivas who had a similar story to Aishwarya in the sense that he immigrated from Venezwuella for a better life. There isn't much that is known about the 32-year old and I'm pretty sure it's because his friends and family just want privacy to process this senseless tragedy which I can empathize with. As someone who grew up in a post 9/11 world and as a woman of color who came of age in the Trump presidency, I can't say that I've ever believed in the mythos of **The American Dream** that I feel is sold to my parents and other immigrants. I just think it's really fucked up for people who believe in the American propoganda as a way of being hopeful of achieving a greater standard of living have to meet with the deteriorating reality of this place, especially when it involves being gunned down. Finally I thought of Daniella and Sofia Mendoza, two elementary school age sisters (ages 10 and 8) who were killed. Their mother is in critical condition. The way their bodies were stacked on top of each other is an image that is burned into my mind. I can't even imagine what it must be like for the father, to lose both of your children instantly and also being uncertain about losing your wife. This also reminded me of my emotions with the Sandy Hook shooting and how it was also a situation where elementary school kids were targetted. I've had multiple crying sessions throughout the day about these stories. Especially for William Cho. His story kept repeating in my head. That poor baby, that poor baby, that poor baby... Thursday: I started my day after having nightmares about being caught in a domestic terror attack. I spent time at work only to take some time off and essentially take a half day. I told my boss the day before that I have friends and family in Allen and that I know people who were at the mall that day and who are connected to one of the victims. I also told them that thankfully everyone that I know are fine but I am pretty shaken up by the situation and that while I don't feel comfortable going into the details, that I do feel comfortable enough to open up and be honest about the situation with her and let her know what's going on and how I am noticing it's affecting my performance. She was very supportive and we worked on a plan on how to best move forward professionally. I ended up submitting a few hours of PTO as I submitted a half day that was much needed. After getting off at noon, I took a shower, ate, and took a nap (it was 5 hours long). I definitely needed that sleep considering that I haven't been sleeping well back to back and considering the fact that I was still able to sleep later that night. Today still felt more depressing than anything. My brain kept repeating *That poor baby, that poor baby, that poor baby...* as I kept thinking of William, Daniella, and Sofia. Later that night, I caught myself ruminating about how to best prepare for such situations. I kept thinking of floor plans of various places I have lived and spent time in regularly, how to hide, and how to fight back. Thankfully, I didn't continue doom scrolling as I was the days before. There is a sense of predictibility with the information that is currently out there. Like I've seen the videos a million times, read various stories and accounts of the families affected, listened to the survivors, etc. The main piece of new information that has come up is the connections the shooter had to white supremacist organizations and incel ideology. Honestly, out of everything that I have found out about this incident, this is the least surprising thing especially considering 7 out of the 8 victims were people of color and because a lot of the shootings are from right wing domestic terrorists. I think there is a part of me that is still desensitized to the notion of hate crimes which part of me wants to see as an acceptance of the situation and an ability to emotionally cope with such tragedies. My therapist asked about the white supremacy part of the equation back in Tuesday to check in to see how this was affecting me but I just responded with how if there was a shooter near me, I'm not going to sit here and try to decipher what his ideology or motive may be. I'm just going to start running because I'm a target regardless of my race. Perhaps this is desensitization, perhaps this is my survival instincts kicking in before my race awareness. I felt better at the end of today because of the additional sleep and time off. I did dread work the day after but I tried to reassure myself that I will just have to get through Friday and then I have the rest of the weekend to continue recuperating.

Depends on what you want to do. If you want to go into something like consulting, investment banking, anything that will require some thing law school, med school, or a phd, then you really need to get a good gpa AND get into a top school or it's going to be a steep up hill climb. But if you're like most people and you don't want to do that, then honestly, you're best off with going to a school that you can afford and that fits you socially and academically. Your life isn't over lol. College isn't the best years of your life and there are good odds that this isn't going to be the greatest thing you will do in your life. It just feels very monumental when you're a teen/young adult because school is all you have known your entire life. Worst case scenario, you won't put your gpa on your resume. You don't need to put your associates and your bachelors. Once you graduate, just put your bachelors and that's it. No need to put both and write out the years you spent all together. Just pick out your highest qualification and put that on there. I would put more of an emphasis on getting involved on campus and/or getting a job or internship. Even if it is something like working retail, food service, or volunteering, just showing that you have customer service skills, are able to multitask, and work well with people shoud be enough for an entry level position so long as you're not applying to anything with a heavy technical background (in which case certifications + work experience > degrees).

Secondary PTSD: Monday: I got to see my friend who was closely impacted by the shooting and my boyfriend who lives in Allen on Monday near downtown Dallas. We had plans previously to go shopping on the 8th because my friend is moving to Washington DC and needed professional clothes for her internship. I felt some relief after spending time with them and being able to physically see that they are alright. My friend on the other hand I'm still concerned about due to her proximity to the event physically and relationally. We both think she hasn't processed the even fully and is still in a *I need to be on the go and focus on other things in my life* mode. I felt pretty jumpy while hanging out. We just went to a cafe and then a couple of thrift stores to keep things more low key. I caught myself having intrusive thoughts where I would imagine violent and gory scenes. I caught myself being extra vigilant of my surroundings and getting nervous on the road when my boyfriend was driving despite him being a careful driver. I caught myself having random periods of anxiety when my heart rate would go up out of nowhere. And finally, I caught myself feeling nervous when I was out in the open outside of a store. We were waiting for my friend to get back from somewhere and I didn't feel comforable waiting outside the store because I felt exposed and unsafe so I told my boyfriend that we should wait in the car instead. In my mind, if anything were to happen, if we're in the car we can drive off. The other thing that freaked me out was when my friend told me that the only reason why she wasn't in the mall that day was because she had plans with me and my boyfriend. She thought "well, I already planned to go shopping with soos_mite_ah and her boyfriend on Monday. I don't really need to go today." She's mainly grateful about this and I am too, but it just freaks me out how much of an impact this really tiny decision has made. We could have easily made the decision to go to the outlet mall that day instead. In addition to her uncle being caught in the store across from where the shooting began, apparently her step dad left the mall right before the shooting began. He saw the shooter's car pull up and he heard the first round of shot but thought it was just someone who was having issues with their car and just drove off as usual. It's just too close to people I know. Also, her uncle knew one of the victims and would talk to the guy on a daily basis when he would show up for work. I kept my emotions in check around my friend. I didn't want to show her how freaked out I felt because I want her to be able to process in her own time and I think me being reactive could be triggering for her. I got the sense that she wanted to hang out to get things done for her move, to spend time with her friends before she leaves, and to get her mind off of the matter for a little bit after venting. But when I started driving back home, I just started crying in my car at the thought of losing her. I was still getting the intrusive thoughts and I kept imagining her being part of the bodies surrounded by blood. And it's no surprise that I had trouble sleeping Monday night. More information came out about the victims and I couldn't help but start doom scrolling. Tuesday: I had a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I told her everything I have heard and have been feeling over the last few days. I think it really helped me process this situation. I also found out that I maybe dealing with secondary trauma / PTSD from the event. I talked alot about the symptoms I've been experiencing, the places my mind has been going, and the emotions I've been repressing for the past 10 years. After the session, I searched up what secondary trauma and PTSD was. Here is the website and here is a little bit that I want to include in my journal: https://www.banyanmentalhealth.com/2022/03/02/secondary-trauma-symptoms/ I also wrote out what I'm experiencing in blue. I don't think I have secondary PTSD as of yet but secondary trauma for sure. I'm still trying to see how this will unfold in the next couple of weeks. I do have some hope since I have experienced something similar in the past and it was just me being shaken up for 2ish weeks. I think I just need time and space before I feel like my normal self.

Mass Shootings The last time I've ever felt anything about a mass shooting was during the Sandy Hook shooting back in December 2012. I was 13 years old at the time and I remembered days after the event had occured on a Wednesday, I was sitting in my school chappel as our preacher read out the names of the 20 first graders who were killed. My school had this program where the older kids were given the responsibility to look after the younger ones during chappel. As a 7th grader was in charge of 2 first graders. I looked across the ailes and I remember the seniors where in charge of a kindergartener. And all I could think of when those names were being read was what would happen if someone came in through the door and shot the child next to me who is half the size of me at the time. Afterwards, I ran into the bathroom and just cried. I didn't give myself that much time to cry since chappel was wrapping up and we were about to go on to our classes later but I wiped away my tears and moved on with my day. After that day I didn't feel anything towards a mass shooting. It's like my brain shut this part of my empathy off in order to deal with this type of stuff. But every now and then I get reminded that this not a normal way to react in the sense that it's fucked up that I've been so desensitized to this type of thing. All of the mass shootings blur together at some point. And while I do vote and do what I can on my end, I don't really think anything is going to change in the near future. I remember having teachers over the years express how distraught they felt about these situations through high school and college while the rest of my class stared off blankly as if it was a normal Tuesday. I think about how numb my peers are and how numb I am, and how that feels jarring for our teachers older than us. I'd imagine, going up to a class with children old enough to understand what is happening and mentioning the news, only for there to be no reaction what so ever to feel so ominous. There is a sense of apathy that can be interpreted as a lack of care or empathy but it can also be interpreted as a reaction to always being exposed to this type of news to where it's normalized. There is also the sense of wanting to emotionally connect with other people regarding the news but having those advancements be met with stone cold silence or just the other person ignoring you that can be incredibly invalidating. Either way, it's chilling. I do remember at different times in college where I was chilling and talking to my peers and telling stories about that one "incident" in our school in a laughing and joking matter only to be like "you know it's kinda fucked up we're making light of this matter, but I guess that's our way of coping. I mean, what's the alternative?" But over all, while I feel like I can intellectually process it, emotionally I've always blocked myself off from this type of collective trauma and used humor to cushion that wall like many people in my generation. However, for the first time in 10+ years, I felt something when it comes to mass shootings. There was a mass shooting in a suburb north of Dallas called Allen, TX in their outlet mall. I have a number of friends who live in Allen including my boyfriend. One of my friends has an uncle who was working in the mall yesterday. He saw people get shot, pools of blood, and a family with small children who were hiding in the bushes die. Thankfully, my friend's uncle got out unharmed but that entire night my friend was trying to calm him down from the carnage he witnessed. Part of me feels like a bad person for having feelings only when someone I am distantly connected to is suffering and not for the hundreds of other shootings that have happened in the last 10 years. Another part of me feels bad for being affected by it so much because I'm not the main person suffering. I wasn't at the scene, I have no right to be upset. This is just part of life at this point and it's only a matter of time before you or someone you know is caught in this type of thing. Get over it. Finally, another part can recognize all of this is a trauma response and it's part of the way that my brain specifically decided to cope with constantly getting exposed to this stuff. That part of me currently feels overwhelmed because a lot of the things I've been bottling up for the last 10 years is coming up. I started talking to my boyfriend about this yesterday and just sat with him on the phone feeling whatever I felt and occasionally saying something while reading the various new stories that were developing. I was hoping to god that the family in the bushes were mentioned in an article so that it would mean that there is a chance my friend was parroting things she saw on the news rather than explaining what her uncle witnessed. The way she worded it sounded a bit unclear. I kept reading her texts to me and reading the comments on the new videos. Many were about how this happened because the Allen Outlet Mall is a gun free zone and because the shooter was killed by an officer, there was this narrative of how if everyone was armed this wouldn't have happened and that "the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." And while I found those comments as stupid and frustrating in the past, I can't help but think that making comments like that is a symptom of our collective trauma and a way of coping for the sector of Americans who are hell bent on concepts individualism and personal responsibility. It sounds awfully like the barginning stage of grief after a traumatic event. I also started thinking about my proximity to other violent events. I have also been at a mall near my house that got shot up like 10-15 minutes after I left the place. I also had a CVS phamacy that was robbed where the robber shot a pregnant lady who was working there about an hour after I left the place. My university has had a couple of bomb threats during my time there. And just by being a woman who has had encounters with some sketchy guys, I began thinking of those instances too. Part of me, while deeply terrifed of being at the receiving end of violence, feels like this type of thing is inevitable. I'm not under the impression that I think that this will never happen to me. Something I use to calm myself in situations where I'm walking alone at night or I'm in a parking lot alone is that if I ever get raped, murdered, trafficked, kidnapped etc. that it will be in the hands of someone I know, not a random person in a back alleyway. Which is also fucked up to verbalize but I guess the only way to combat a very real and valid fear women have is by having an equally real and valid narrative to combat it which is to recognize how realistically things usually play out. But when it comes to shootings, there is only so much you can do given how random they can be. Today, I woke up and started watching videos of interviews people did on the Sandy Hook shootings for the survivors 10 years later. Many of them are in their last years of high school or are in college. I just kept thinking of the lives of the survivors after all of this and how not much has changed since 2012 both in terms of their trauma as well as our federal legislature. I also thought it was important to watch in order to reconnect with my empathy because part of me felt completely fine after I woke up and that just felt kind of fucked up and icky. It felt icky because I interpretted the feeling of being "completely fine" as me falling back into my numbness and callous apathy. And as I write out my thoughts and draw out the number of complex thoughts and feelings I have to this, I think it challenges me to question the notion that there is a right or moral way to feel and cope with events such as these. My boyfriend and I checked on my friend who was being impacted and we're waiting to get a response back from her. I'm also contemplating on taking time off of work tomorrow just to process some things that this situation is bringing up.

I love this video so much and I have watched it an embarassing number of times

My Hobbies and Interests Throughout the Years As I started journalling about my relationship with writing, I started thinking about my relationship with other past times I had over the years. Biking, Tennis, Swimming (2005-2011): These are things I would spend my time doing on the weekends along with watching cartoons as a kid when I didn't have to worry about too much homework and when the weather was nice Playing on my Nintendo DS (2007-2012): Man, I was glued to this thing. My favorite games included Pokemon, Mario Kart, Super Mario Bros, Cooking Mama and Kingdom hearts. Pokemon was especially my favorite. I was deadset on catching them all until at some point I was like *they doin the absolute most* so I gave up lol. Drawing/Painting (2009-2016): I started getting into anime style art after seeing tutorials on YouTube. I remember I would spend a long time trying to draw on MS Paint, teach myself to draw using various mediums ranging from acrylics, charcoal, pastels etc. I also taught myself to use photoshop, took art classes over the summer, and generallly spent a lot of time learning proportions, shading etc. These were my first flow experiences as a kid. Watching anime (2011-2014): I got into anime after getting into Pokemon. My friends introduced me to different kids of manga and I got hooked on various fandoms this way from Fruits Basket, Tokyo Mew Mew, Kitchen Princess, Kaicho wa Maid Sama, Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach, and Death Note. I remember liking both shoujo and shouhen manga/ anime. I fell off of the manga and anime loop once I got into high school because I had a higher work load and I was worried about college. I can't say I know much about what happens in anime circles but generally speaking I can understand various different troups, discussions, and terminology going on. Helping my friends write fanfiction (2011-2013): I was never a fanfic writer but something that I liked doing with my friends during and in between classes is make up stories based on various YA novels we read from Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Hunger Games etc. I was the kid who would try to come up with character designs and plot twists lol. Various Pop punk / Emo Music bands (2010-2017): I had a solid 7 year long emo phase lol. I remember bonding with my friends over the types of music we listened to, how I would actively be discovering more music, and it was just a huge part of my identity through my preteen to mid teen years. It started to fizzle out around when I was 16/17 when I expanded my music taste and honestly, I never got into music in the same way after that. Writing (2016-??) Wrote a whole post about this lol Ice Skating (2014-2018): I did ice skating as a hobby throughout high school. I did do it while I was in elementary school as well but the ice rink near me at the time was demolished so I went like a solid 7 years without ice skating. I went to the ice rink about 3x a week and it was another one of my favorite flow experiences and a good physical outlet for me. Contemplating (2013-2016): I was already a very contemplative kid growing up. I think a large part of it had to do with me being an only child who had a lot of time in the world to just be lost in her own thoughts whlie listening to music. I think even now I'm just in a constant state of existential crisis lol. However, for the sake of this post I'm cutting this off at 2016 because I want to draw a distinction between contemplating and just getting into / thinking about self development. The stuff I thought about in the year range above mainly had to do with psychology, religion, philosophy, etc. Self Development (2016-2022): I started getting into self development after realizing how messed up my homelife was and how messed up my mental health was. It mainly started with me looking up videos on YouTube on how to deal with things like depression and anxiety as well as making sense of my family issues. I also got into therapy in 2018 and I feel like college gave me a good amount of distance to figure this stuff out. I think this greatly impacted how much and how often I would write. I'm setting the year range ending at 2022 because I feel like in 2023, my self development isn't as central in my life rather I'm just doing things for maintenance. I'm still in therapy and I still journal here and there but I wouldn't say it dominates my time as it used to. I'm past the season of character development and I'm currently enjoying the fruits of that. Weight lifting (2022-??): I started getting into early last year in my efforts to heal my relationship with food and exercise. It's something I do on a fairly regular basis. Left tube video essays (2018-2023): I discovered left tube back in 2018 when I started going to my conservative college. I started getting into some of the video essays because it helped me make sense of my current situation. I do think that this was also something that went hand in hand with my educational background and my interests on social issues overall from my childhood. And whle I'm still into social sciences and understanding social issues, I will say watching video essays are starting to get boring for me specifically which is why the year range ends in 2023.

Hey @Etherial Cat , it's always nice to hear from you . I'm guessing the thread you saw your name at was the one where I wondered if there were any women left on the forum that eventually turned into a cluster fuck lol. I was hoping that I would see more women come out of the woodworks and sure I learned of some other female users whose journals I got to check out but the thread devolved to where I just thought it was best to lock it. I agree with everything that you have been saying in your post above. I have also contemplated on deleting all of my posts from here but I haven't gotten around to how I want to deal with that yet. Most of my posts are from my journals and I think I would want to put in more thought as to what degree I want to scrub my presance from here. Sometimes I just wonder to what extent do guys on this forum reflect what the average guy is like and to what extent my selection bias out in the world contrasts with this notion of the average guy. I have a handful of guys in my life and I know what kinds of issues affect men to a certain extent, but I'd be lying if I said that I understood the male experience and how the average guy approaches life lol. I did notice that by stepping back from this forum and touching some grass helped with my cynical and guarded attitudes with men. I can see on how taking a step back or just leaving all together can be healing period. All of that being said, I hope you're doing well @Etherial Cat and I hope you have been finding success in your own self development and healing journey. I did enjoy reading your comments and journal entries on this forum but I totally understand that you'd prefer to take that journey offline

My Changing Relationship to Writing I remember on how from 2020 to the end 2021 how I've been pretty consistent with writing to where I wanted to create a blog. I was consistent with my writing in an almost everyday basis and I also wrote a lot in my freetime outside of this forum. However, for the last 6 or so months, I've seen my passion for writing wane. I thought it was due to my busy life where I was prioritizing doing rather than contemplating, but as things have quieted down, I didn't throw myself into writing as I did in the past. And I want to explore that a little bit. My love, dedication, and continous practice of writing started when I was 16 in 2016. Prior to then, I chose to express myself through drawing and painting, but after my grandmother had passed away, I found myself leaning towards writing more as a way of trying to make sense of my experiences and emotions. I eventually reached the conclusion that while I was a skilled artist in the way that I could carefully recreate images in a meditative state, my creativity shined more in writing because of the way that I uniquely expressed myself. Around mid 2019, I remember feeling a sense of stability emotionally for the first time in a whlie. I remember how drawn I was to writing waned since I didn't have many emotions to makes sense of. I was at peace. And I noticed that a lot of my inspiration for writing comes from conflict, things going on in my life, and me trying to process and heal that. And therefore, when I was in a healed, realtively peaceful state, I didn't have as much to write about. As a result, it isn't too surprising that the most and most consistently that I have written was in 2020 towards the end of 2021 during the pandemic. Let's just say that this two year period was just a cluster fuck. 2022 was me getting my life together through experiences outside of myself because I finally had the opportunity to go out and do things rather than being stuck running in circles in the labyrinth of my own mind. I had multiple jobs, I traveled, I finished up university, entered into a relationship, built up my friendships and learned from their post grad experiences, and I got my current job that I'm working at right now. 2023 so far has been me dealing with the transition of being in school to working fulltime and dealing with the peaceful and happy monotony of a stable life. And I feel like there is only so much I have to write about that. Not only that, but I feel that as my frontal lobe develops, there is less of my writing about my personal life that I want out in the internet. I don't feel like being the open book that I used to be before. I have taken the life purpose course a couple of times now mainly because I find myself back into the drawing board as I continue to grow and learn about myself in my 20s. I'm not going to give too much away regarding the life purpose course but I find that I have integrated a lot of the core concepts, I have a solid grasp on my values, and pretty solid impact statement. The part that trips me up is finding my strengths, the different life purpose exercises that have questions for you to think about and answer which can help you find your purpose, and the making it real section that makes the life purpose more tangible and practical. I find that my stengths and skills are evolving in the way that they present themselves and that my answers to the life purpose exercises change from year to year. And that's where my writing and my relationship to the act of writing comes in. Writing isn't the only way to manifest my strengths and skills nor is it consistent in my everchanging answers to the life purpose exercises. Before, I saw writing as a key part of my life purpose, but now I'm not entirely sure. I do see myself having an outlet for creative self expression throughout my life but similarly in the way that I pivoted from drawing to writing back in 2016, I can see myself pivoting once again to a new kind of skill in the future. While I did enjoy drawing when I was little and I was able to continue that for a solid 8 years, eventually it waned and I found myself never really going back because I found another outlet I wanted to explore instead. When I think of this pivot, I think of how Rihanna dedicated years of her life to her music and later became a makeup CEO, and she hasn't produced an album since 2016. And everyone keeps asking her when she will come up with new music and she just says "soon" with no elaboration even though its been like 7 years. I see myself going through something like that but on a much smaller scale lol. And I think I might be going through that again. I don't know if this is going to be an end to my writing era and what the next thing will be. I don't know if this is my going through a period of being uninspired. I don't know if I'm outgrowing this medium because of where I'm at with my life regarding self development and stability. I don't know where my relationship with writing is going. All I know is that it's going somewhere and there are changes in the horizon.

I am aware of her content and watched some of it out of morbid curiosity. She is one of those people who uses stage green terminology and buzz words to mask stage blue concepts to make them seem more palatable and progressive. I would say that nowadays this is becoming common in the "divine feminine / high value woman" circles as it is becoming more mainsteam and as people are having a backlash to stage orange girl boss "feminism". I put the "divine feminine/ high value woman" stuff in parentesis because those things are real but not as these stage blue masquerading as stage green portray it to be. I also put "feminism" in parentesis when referring to the girl boss variety beause I don't think that inclusive feminism that is for the liberation of all women really flourishes under the girl boss mindset.