soos_mite_ah

Apply to and do some internships. Figure out what you want to do from there. Once you find something you like, be consistent with it until you are offered with a full time position or you have gotten enough experiences to apply to a full time position else where. If you want to do something that is technical in nature, do a few certification courses or do something in the trades.

Things I've Figured Out Careerwise A career in the care field or a creative field isn't for me and that is ok. It doesn't mean I'm any less creative or empathetic of a person in my regular life just because I don't want my career to consist of that. I did have some inner conflict when it came to taking on my current position at work because it wasn't what I envisioned myself doing growing up. Growing up I wanted to do something creative, that involved travel, and that emotionally gave back to people in some kind of social justice/empathetic kind of way. And my job currently doesn't fit that which made me feel like I was letting my inner teenager down since I was picking the stable corporate job over something more adventourous and glamorous. But I realized that not having a creative or empathetic career doesn't mean that I'm not a creative or empathetic person. And I think it's important to have an identity outside of your job as well because you are not your job and there is only so much a job can say about you and you life over all as far as fulfillment goes. This also has to do with boundaries. I realized that it would be difficult for me to do something in the creative field and do something like art (like painting, blogging, writing books, digital art etc.) professionally because making it into a job felt like I was taking the passion out for it. And over the years I realized that monetizing my creative outlets is not something that works for me and isn't something that I would find fulfillment long term. I like having my creative outlets for me just as a hobby and that's ok and that's the most meaningful way for me to embrace my creativity. If I were to do something creative, I will need to have boundaries as far as the outlets I use and how I use them. I can still embrace my creativity through my hobbies and free time in a light hearted way because my job with a good work life balance and financial stability allows me to do so. Similarly regarding care fields, I have thought about going into study to be a therapist, social worker, or life coach at one point as well. I made the decision back in college that I wasn't going to major in psychology because I knew that I have a tendency of being the therapist friend and I didn't want to double down on this unhealthy dynamic and have my career be based on that. Nevertheless, after working through my personal matters, I still found myself considering this. However, later I came to the conclusion that this is not something that I want to do professionally. Going into these kinds of fields isn't the same as helping your friend process a life transition and give her advice. While some therapy sessions are like that, you also have to deal with really heavy things such as violence, drug abuse, severe mental illness etc. and I don't thing I'm personally cut out for something like that careerwise. I'm also not willing to put myself through all of the schooling that goes with this both in terms of because it takes to long and since leaving the academic environment I realized it isn't the best fit and because academically, the subject of psychology just didn't mesh with me all that well. If I do something in the care field, it has to be something more indirect like working in the government for a social cause rather than something like working for an NGO, hospital, therapists office etc. I also engage with care related work through volunteering and I find that this works well for me in terms of boundaries. Short term and long term plans Short term: get a couple of promotions at my current place of work and work as a consultant and project manager While I was in college, there was a point in time where I wanted to go into consulting and another point in time where I wanted to go into project managment. I decided that I didn't want to go into consulting in the end because of the terrible work life balance and how badly people get treated in the field. And project managment isn't something that you can get into right after college without any work experience tbh. Consulting: I wanted to do consulting initially because I liked the problem solving aspect of it as well as being able to present my analysis and give advice on a certain matter. I found out that there are consulting positions in my company and that I can get after a couple of promotions. On top of that I found out that in this company, consultants still have work life balance and the company culture is pretty chill and healthy. So in other words, if I ever want to do consulting, it will have to be at my current company because I'm not risking going into a consulting firm and ending up working the 60+ hours that is the industry standard. Project Managment: I can also get a project management role at my company relatively easily instead of having to get multiple years of experience. Yes, even when I was looking into project management since I was in school I was worried about the work life balance but again, people are pretty chill at this company and the project managers don't seem overworked or anything. If I really want to do project management, I'll do it here. My strategy for the next 3-4 years is to get a couple of promotions, milk this company for a variety of career experience and learning/ development opportunities, and then transition into journalism. One thing that's really good about my role is that I wear many hats meaning I am gaining a lot of transferrable skills that can be applicable in many different places. And even if I decide isn't the path want to take, I still have a pretty stable job here and I'm sure I can do something else instead. Also, I think it's smart to stick to this company since the pay, culture, benefits, and career progression is good and I don't want to go out and deal with the recession. It's not like I'm in an unhealthy work environment or I can't pay my bills and I need to get the fuck out now. I can stick with this for the next few years and get what I need out of it while waiting the recession out. When I do make a transition, I'm going to do it in a way that makes sense and that is sustainable. Long term: get into journalism or if that doesn't work out, I can still have a stable job at my current place of employment or else where Plan A: Basically, long term I want to aim to do something in journalism. That may or may not involve grad school. Ideally, I can just get a job in the field since I have a lot of transferrable skills from documenting cases, public speaking, researching, asking good questions, working with people one on one, etc. I also have a couple of bachelor's degree that can factor into my transition quite well in terms of opening up the opportunities I have. Plan B: If the journalism route doesn't work out, I have the transferrable skills to do other things or I can find a different role in this company. Either way, my short term plans builds towards both plan A and plan B and I'm still going to have a career in the end of the day. Technical work isn't for me long term While I have the aptitude to do technical work, it isn't something that I am interested in or that I find fufillment in. I'm okay with the technical aspects being part of my work but I wouldn't want to have this dominate my entire role. Even though I have a technical role right not, I like the aspects of my job that are less technical and that is what I want to focus on in my career progression internally and externally from my company. But at the same time, I know that I don't want to do something in the tech industry long term mainly because of my lack of interest and as a result lack of motivation. Contrasting between what fits well for me academically, personally, and professionally This is something that I think needs to be a whole post for me to dive into. But basically, just because something fits you well academically and personally, doesn't mean that it will fit you well professionally and vice versa. I think part of it goes along with what I talked about above in respects to care and creative fields where even though it fits me personally and academically that it won't translate well professionally. But there is still more that I want to say on this topic and I don't want to get off topic from this post. What a healthy and sustainable work life looks like I think it's so important that my first job out of college has been in an environment that is healthy since it has normalized a lot of good practices that I have encountered. People respect my boundaries, I've never been overworked at this role, my manager is empathetic and works with me, I am given all of the resources I need to thrive, there is little to no office politics that I'm encountering, my coworkers are chill, I have good work life balance etc. And I think it's good for me to have this baseline of healthy experiences so that I can sniff out weird workplaces ahead of time and so that I have a healthy attitude towards work. Like I have seen people who have made their job their entire personality or have normalized hustle culture and let's just say it's not a good look lol. The type of environment that works for me I have realized that I work best in a noncompetitive work environment where we are encouraged to progress at our own pace. I think that I wasn't exposed to this kind of environment at school and even though I did good in school, I didn't feel like I was thriving. While I can deal with fast paced environments that requires me to multitask and wear lots of hats (thank you ADHD), I can't deal with an environment that will put a heavy workload on me or be in a constant busy season where I'm putting in 60+ hours a week. I am someone who would burn out very quickly in that kind of environment. This job taught be that I can learn a lot and make a lot of progress without over working myself or running myself to the bone. It taught me that I can learn just as much in a healthy environment in a happy season in my life as opposed to different trials and tribulations in life. It taught me that while I don't want to be a high pressure, competitive environment that I still like jobs that incorporate a variety of skills and that aren't extremely slow. In other words, working 60+ hours a week isn't the answer nor is a head empty, no thoughts slow job the answer for what fits me well.

A Reflection on My Habits from Earlier this Year So out of these, I've bolded the things that I haven't been super on top of and I wanted to reflect on that a little bit. I don't have much of a skincare routine anymore other than wash and moisturize. I haven't been to therapy in like 2 ish weeks. My social life has been a bit dry. I haven't really been journalling or meditating all that much. I haven't been volunteering since I voluneteer at a school and well, school hasn't been in session during the summer months. And I haven't really been consistent at the gym for the last 2 ish weeks either. Life just happened, I moved, work got busy, and I temporarily got out of some habits but I don't see this being a long term thing. I'm pretty sure I can get back to my healthy habits soon. I wanted to bring all of this up because I journaled in the past on how I felt like I was coping against capitalism albeit in a healthy way using good habits. At the time I was writing my previous entry, I had been working for 2 months, I was still getting used to my job and I was having an existential crisis. And part of me was afraid that my good habits were softening the blow against the dissatisfaction I had with my job and I were to take those habits away that I would not be doing well mentally. I want to push back against those notions. One, I had some initial dissatisfaction with my job because it wasn't what younger me had in mind right after college and it wasn't this perfect fit with what lit me up inside. I think now, I'm in a place where I've settled into my role and I can acknowledge some of the dissatisfaction but I also found things I like about my job and I have figured out some plans for my future to look forward to (more on that in a future post). Two, I haven't been engaging in some of the habits above and I noticed that my life and mental wellbeing hasn't dissolved. Don't get me wrong, the habits I bolded above did add to my life but I wouldn't say that taking them away took away my sense of stability. As a result, I feel that calling these habits a coping mechanism against capitalism is not accurate and that I should give myself more credit for the stability I have created for myself. Like I'm still stable on my own and I'm not in a position where I'm holding on to dear life in any aspect of my life. Honestly, out of the things I listed above, I think I would mainly start to unravel once I started neglecting my physical needs like sleeping and eating well, got into a toxic work environment, and if I lost my job. Those I'd say are more on par with coping with capitalism lol. In conclusion, most of my good habits aren't a cope against capitalism and a desperate hold on to dear life for my mental stability as I thought it was. Rather, they're just good habits that add on my life but I can still sustain myself without it, even though life is better with these habits.

Thoughts on Moving Out So I have quite a few things on my mind since moving out: Stress around finances: I will be honest and say part of it is my weird relationship around money and another part of it is me trying to adjust to being financially in charge of my life. The application cost plus deposit was around $850 which isn't even covering first month's rent. I also paid $350 to get my car fixed this month and had to pay $85 to pay for internet along with the activation fee for the upcoming month. And as usual I'm in charge of contributing to the household a little bit by doing my groceries, paying for gas, and doing social things which usually consists of about $350-$500. I'm usually used to spending $350-$500 montly but obviously, this month has been more expensive due to various reasons that consists of necessity. It's still very much within my means because of the money I saved up living at home, the amount that I get paid, and the amount I was anticipating moving out was going to cost me. I was thinking I would need to pay first month's, current month's, and last month's rent plus spending month on furniture and other expenses but I didn't have to spend nearly that amount of money. I'm just not used to spending this much money and that gives me anxiety even though I'm not spending it frivolously. This last week I have been anxious about how much I was spending and how doing anything at all felt like I was costing myself from turning on the fan, cooking dinner, etc. I mean, I know nothing is free and that shit costs money but I guess it wasn't in the forefront of my mind since I wasn't the one taking care of all of it before now. I already have a weird relationship around money that results in a lot of guilt when it comes to spending on myself and I'm seeing it creep up when it comes to things that I really need. I found myself beating myself up for getting groceries, buying a water pitcher with a filter since the water in my unit tastes a little funny, and buying other things I needed for the apartment. I've talked about this with my therapist and we thought it would be good for me to see a financial advisor. About 15% of my paycheck goes into my 401k. And though I know this is important and a good/responsible financial decision, since I'm only 23 years old and retirement isn't really in my radar, it really feels like a pay cut more than anything. I'm also saving a fuck ton of money and while I have some financial goals, all of this is a little amorphous and as a result, it's like I'm in this scarcity mindset where I feel the need to pinch every penny and I don't have the clearest/ most tangible idea as to what is the numeric benefit of my 401k contibutions. A heightened awareness around my physical safety and well being: I guess this just has to do with me being a woman who lives alone and is getting used to it. I'm finding myself being extra vigilant of myself and my keys going out, vigilant in making sure my blinds are closed and my door is locked etc. And of course, there is also a fear of people finding out that I'm a woman who lives alone because god know what kind of sickos exist. Let's just say, I'm going to be taking some extra security measures. Dealing with being alone + matters around friendship after college: So this is an ongoing thing that I have been dealing with for the past couple months or so. Basically, all of my friends are busy and it's been difficult to make plans with them and as someone who has a need for consistency in relationships, this has been affecting me. I do know that I have genuine friends and that they genuinely have a log going on in their lives but it still hurts because I miss them and I enjoy building our friendship and hearing what's going on with their lives. My sense of lonliness is more about missing people and missing this area of my life that I got a lot of fulfillment from rather than any kind of self deprecation or insecure attachment. I say this because I have felt the later in the past and this doesn't feel the same way. I would characterize it as a general feeling of saddness and a little mourning that hits you everynow and then rather this wave of anxiety/insecurity/ depression around "Did I do something? Do they secretly hate me? Am I not important to anyone and am going to die alone? etc." I think it especially started hitting at around June. I spent much of may isolating so that I can use time to take care of myself after the shooting. By the time June rolled around, I realized I processed much of what I was going through and that now I need to get back into my healthy habits including working out, getting out of the house, sleeping and eating right, and making plans with friends. And by the time I felt ready to get out of my cocoon after processing a traumatic situation and start connecting with people again, everyone else was bouncing around / were in their bed rot and done with life era. I know this sounds dramatic but I don't know a better word to use but I felt abandoned in a sense. And I think given that I'm only 7 months post grad, it's hard for me to keep this sense of perspective that this might be a season and not just what my life is like now where all of my friends are busy with their lives and I'm left alone I talk to on a regular basis except my boyfriend. I don't want to be that girl whose only friend is their boyfriend and who gets much of their needs met through a romantic relationship. Thankfully, I talked about this with my therapist and we discussed what my needs were in a relationship, platonic or romantic, and how each party in my life were meeting these needs. From that conversation, I noticed that I'm not overly reliant on my man but the big thing that he is fulfilling at the moment but my friends are not is the need for consistency. And I guess it sometimes feels like he is fulfilling so many needs in comparison is because I'm spending more time with him at this point. But what does all of this have to do with me living alone? Basically, while this isn't my first itme being on my own, it is my first time living alone. And I did have a little bit of an existential crisis over everything I discussed earlier likely because it's closer to the forefront of my mind and since I'm living alone for the first time, this is an adjustment. It's Sunday and I didn't have an existential crisis about this since Wednesday lol so I think I'll be ok. Figuring out what to do with the relationship with my parents: This is one of the big reasons why I wanted to move out. I know that living with them long term was resulting in a slow and steady decline to my mental health. And I think that financially being tied to them is also affecting my judgement regarding what I want to do with this relationship. I'm still calling them every other day for like 5 min just to let them know that I'm ok and for questions on settling in at my new place. That hasn't been bad but basically, I think it will take some time for me to see what boundaries make sense to me and how I feel about me being on my own. So far I will say, I do think I got an instant sense of peace of mind similar to how I felt when I moved into the dorms in college. But we'll see how this pans out.

I MOVED OUT OF MY PARENTS' HOUSE!!! I moved out of my parents' house on 7/31. I spend much of July apartment hunting, having an existential crisis about the cost of living and the cost of rent, and dealing with various fights with my parents regarding why I want to move out now. But I did it and I found a great place that is within my budget I was hoping for. I like the floor plan, the gym, the management that seems pretty chill and on top of things, how my parking spot and washer/dryer are included without additional charges, and that it is closer to my friends and boyfriend. The two weeks leading up to me moving in just felt like nonstop zoomies. I kept envisioning all of the ways I'm going to grow as a person, how I'm going to start volunteering at the animal shelter near by, how it's going to be easier to spend time with my friends and boyfriend now that I don't live so far away, how I'm going to be more responsible / have more self efficacy and independence, and so much more. I couldn't sleep the night before the move because I was thinking about all of those things. It's been so long since I felt this excited about something to where I was counting the days and I was losing sleep like a kid going on a field trip. The move has gone well for the most part. I have been pretty busy this week because of the move and because of work since it is the beginning of the month and we tend to be extra busy during this time: Monday: Moved in, had my boyfriend over, ate dinner, and went grocery shopping. Tuesday: Commuted to work because my laptop charger was acting weird, I didn't have wifi yet. and because I wanted to test my commute. Had a super busy day at work and then I went to dinner with a few friends. Then my friends came over to see my new place since my apartment wasn't too far from where we were eating and my boyfriend helpped me set up the internet. Wednesday: Commuted to work again to get my laptop charger, went to Walmart to get some things I still needed, and meal prepped. I also finished unpacking. And finally, I had a bit of an existential crisis that night regarding how much money I was spending and how I felt a little alone in my frienships. More on that in the next post. Thursday: At this point I was feeling pretty exhausted from the week and work felt like hell. I did get a therapy session in as well during my lunch break. Created a maintenance request for pest control since I realized that my unit had a bug problem. A couple bugs, that's fine, but it felt like I was seeing more and more everyday. I went to Target because I needed some things but they weren't there when I went to Walmart yesterday and I was too tired to swing by Target. Then I ate dinner, paid my bills, and went to sleep Friday: Work felt like hell and I found out that my unit lowkey had a bug problem. It was driving me nuts so I decided to do my work day at a Starbucks because I wanted my fun little drink and I really needed to focus. I started feeling overwhelmed with work tbh. After a long day, I decided to chill in the apartment clubhouse area because I didn't want to be alone with the bugs. Then, at 6pm, when the leasing office closed and as a result I had to get back to my unit, I saw another bug. I freaked out and thankfully my boyfriend was near by so I had him kill the thing and help me clean up the other dead bugs I saw. I just felt really grossed out, nauseated, and overwhelmed. And then afterwards, we made dinner together and cuddled. Saturday: Spent the morning with my boyfriend, worked out, went to the movies with a friend, and then came back and ate dinner. I watched some TikToks, rearranged some furniture, and now I'm writing because I'm forcing myself to since it's been too long and because I want to clear my head of some things.

Thinking of my 16 year old self I think the reason why I think of my 16 year old self so much is because I'm stuck in my childhood home, because I had a lot of thoughts on how I wanted my life and adulthood to go at that age, and beause I'm healing parts of my teenage self. The Angst Today, I caught myself thinking about the angstiness I had when I was 16 and the whole pale grunge Tumblr aesthetic that was popular in like 2014 ish. I thought of a lot of the things that made me angsty ranging from family issues, political stuff, learning how to deal with feelings, stress from school, dealing with the death of a loved one, and that one guy I couldn't stop thinking about at the time. Sure I can look and laugh and cringe at the way I was dealing with all of this and the silly trends that were present at the time, but I do think much of the things I was going through was valid considering I was a child with little to no guidance from the adults around me or dealing with misguided advice from the adults around me. Family issues: At that age I didn't know much about generational trauma and the full extent it was affecting me. There was a lot of depression that came from this notion and the household I was in. Learning to deal with feelings + dealing with grief from losing a bunch of family members: Again, generational trauma is at play here. I come from a family whose main coping mechanism is brushing things off and distracting oneself and it's seen as a strength to be stoic / unaffected my things. I bottled up a lot of emotions as a teenager on top of the emo kid I already was. Intimacy and vulnerability were definitely not in my vocabulary. Grief and all of the things that came along with that was also a big challenge for me at this age that I didn't really get much help from the adults around me. Stress from school: I took on a bunch of extra activities and classes so that I could get into a great college. I don't regret this one bit but I do think that my parents could've instilled the values of developing a work ethic and finding fulfillment in education in a less traumatic way. I had a lot of adults around me make it seem like school and the college you get accepted to will make or break your life and that really fucked me up my senior year when things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to and I thought my life was over. Political Stuff: I was 17 when Trump got elected and the whole campaign leading up to that was so chaotic that I just wanted to up and leave the country. And understandably so since I am an asexual woman of color who wasn't as experienced with dealing with oppression since I was in a sheltered environment with other gay POC. I think that was a good thing because I never had that sense of self hatred in me growing up but at that age I didn't know how to process the political stuff that was going on around me and I was concerned with how it could affect me and my loved ones. That one guy I couldn't stop thinking about: I was friends with this person and he never liked me back. I never pursued him because I had other things going on and I decided that it was best for me to move out, get therapy, and then worry about dating. And at that time, that choice not to pursue him felt like the end of the world because I thought he was a great guy. But I guess at that age, it was difficult to understand just how small my dating pool was and how small my world was when I was in highschool. It was also hard for me to imagine meeting other amazing guys as well. And at that age, I wasn't hormonal as maybe a lot of other adults would write me off as but more so lacking in life experience to have perspective on the situation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Big differences between me at 23 vs me at 16 Sense of time: 16 year old me had a very difference sense of time in terms of how long things were. At 16, the thought of spending 4-5 years doing one thing felt monumental. And understandably so because 4 years is like a quarter of your life at that age. I think it also has to do with my prefrontal cortex developing because if I recall correctly, as your frontal lobe develops, so does your ability to think and plan long term (this may also have contributed to my procrastination habit I had til I was 20ish that evened out for the most part after I turned 21). At 16, I also found inspiration in people acheiving things when they were young because to me it meant that I could also be successful quickly and my young age of 16 wasn't something that was so small and unimpactful. Now at 23, dedicating my time on something for 4+ years doesn't seem unreasonable. I'm also developing an idea as to what I want my life to look like long term. And now I find inspiration in people who achieve things later in life because it means that I don't have to rush to figure things out and I can experience so many other aspects of life in the meantime. Feeling the rush to figure things out: 16 year old me felt like she needed to have everything figured out by 18. That's what my parents and teachers were telling me when it came to majors and college admissions. Also, the thought of turning 18 and moving out into college was daunting to me at the time and 18 was my scary age in terms of trying to have it all figured out. There was also a fear I had on doing something wrong and having it fuck me up financially for years which I blame much of the *millenials buy too much avocado toast and that's why they can't buy a house and pay off their student loans* rhetoic circa 2016. And at that time I didn't know how capitalism worked and how systemic a lot of these issues were. Instead, I put a lot of pressure on myself. Now at 23, I feel like that pressure to a certain extent paid off since I started working on myself and asking tough questions early. But now I'm also much more comfortable with what is my own timeline and I don't blame myself as much because while I'm late in some instances, I'm earlier in other instances compared to my peers. Over all, I feel like I'm at a good spot and I'm just enjoying myself. Ability to be vulnerable: At 16 I was pretty emotionally constipated, had an insecure attachment style that prevented me from deepening my friendship, had issues with communicating boundaries, had a lot of internalized misogyny, used saltiness as a way of covering up how I was actually feeling, and thought it was a flex that I rarely cried because stoicism and having my life together was a wall that made me look put together. Yeah.... I have worked through much of that over the years Increased life experience: I think I had a good sense of self at that age and that since then I still have the same ideals and values. But, what's different between then and now is that I have more life experience that solidifies said ideals and values and fleshes them out more due to the practical circumstances I encountered. And by fleshing them out, I mean that life experience gave me a more tangible way of seeing how my ideals and values manifest as well as add nuance in dealing with these things head on. A greater sense of self-efficacy: Similar to having more life experience, I also feel like I am expontentially more confident and competent than my 16 year old self because I have lived alone, I have educated myself more fully, I have travelled around, I have gotten out of my home town, have learned to drive, gotten rid of a lot of my shyness and social anxiety, learned how to speak publically, gotten a job, and gotten clearer about my career among other things. I think this life experience has also added onto the tool kit of me being able to tackle other life challenges that would have took 16 year old me down immediately. I like to think of it as me being able to leg press +400 lbs now and how that sense of physical fitness translates to other activities vs how I couldn't leg press 170lbs at 16 but on an emotional level. More Risk Averse / Stability Oriented: I'm more risk averse now at 23 than I was at 16 and I think it mainly has to do with COVID tbh. I also feel like now I have a less romanticized view of things I used to consider adventurous either because I got some things out of my system or I've seen other people attempt to do things and they weren't as I thought as it was going to be. I got some travelling out of my system and I lived closer to downtown and that helped me realize that I don't need to travel 24/7 to have a fulfilling life and that maybe I ddin't want to live in NYC rather I just wanted to live in a walkable area. I also realized that things like consulting, entrepreneurship, a lot of creative fields, and social media influencing aren't as glamorous as they seem and while they have their pros, they also have a lot of cons, some of which I don't feel comfortable with taking on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Things I'm sure 16 year old me would be impressed by if she saw me today I know a lot of these things seem really basic to me now but I think it goes to show what is impressive to a 16 year old in terms of what they think having your life together looks like vs what is normal/ good at this age. I think I'm putting this as a reminder of *hey, you're doing pretty good, younger you once upon a time dreamed of this life.* Me having a close group of friends who I catch up with regularly and do things like get brunch and go to little coffee shops downtown. Me making decent money out of college and figuring things out in the corporate world while balancing life well. Not procrastinating / having time managment skills / being on top of things Being in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship with the guy I'm with right now + the way I navigate romantic situations The places I've traveled to and the interesting experiences I have had Graduating with a double major Being able to confidently have an inkling about what I want with my life Working out on a regular basis Knowing how to do my makeup and my natural hair The amount of healing and self development work I have done My diverse taste in music, food, etc. The fact that highways don't freak me out anymore The fact that I grew out of my social awkwardness My ability to cook and generally look after myself (chores, doctors appointments, budgetting etc.) My emotional intelligence and I guess the life experience and advice I have to offer to her lol The fact that I'm not in a constant existential crisis My ability to handle certain situations ranging from dealing with crazy fanatics, logistical issues, picking my battles, helping my friends etc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Things I'm sure 16 year old me would be disapointed by if she saw me today I do take much of this with a grain of salt and I feel like working through a lot of this is me working through my inner child / teenager wounds. How I'm taking a slower, stabler, less risky approach to my career and how I'm not doing something super creative, adventurous, fulfilling or interesting: I've done a whole post about this before. How I am still kinda chunky + have body image issues: Sometimes I feel like a teenager who is still waiting for a glow up to come but the glow up never came. I look mostly the same since I was 16 and I still have a lot of the same body image issues I had then now. The fact that I still live with my parents at 23 in Dallas, TX. : 16 year old me wanted to get out of this house as soon as she got the chance. I feel like she would be pretty upset by the fact that I went to college in Dallas and am currently living with my parents. I think it would create a feeling a hopelessness and a feeling of being stuck for her.

I feel like there isn't one set age rather there are factors involved that you want to consider: 1. Are you in a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship for at least a year or two (given that you aren't like in your teens or early 20s)?: This is the bare minimum but honestly a lot of people stumble on it because they're so focused on getting married / engaged and living life on a timeline of *I need to get married before 30* 2. Do you know what your long term plans are and what settling down looks like for you? : Having a healthy happy relationship is not enough to sustain a marriage. Both of yall need to have similar plans in life and a way that you can coordinate that. Big life decisions aren't something that you compromise on. Say one partner wants to have 3 kids and the other one wants to be child free. That's not going to work. Or say one partner wants to live in California and the other wants to live in Florida. Settling down in the middle in rural Kansas is going to make both parties resentful, bitter, and miserable with one another. And usually imo when you're under 25 ish, it's harder to say how you want to settle down and find a partner accordingly because you're growing and changing so much as a person than compared to when you are in your early 30s for example. 3. Are you and your partner financially stable and self sufficient? : Money becomes a huge factor in divorce so having this area of your life straightened out can help preventing a lot of issues. Both of you guys need to be self sufficient because being with a bum of any gender can create issues in the long term and cause the dependent party to feel trapped and the supporting part to feel obligated. In both cases, you get logistical issues and emotional problems since it creates conditions and dynamics where it's hard to be healthy, happy, and passionate. If there is a time you think you want to take time off work to take care of a child for example, have that conversation early on to see if you have similar expectations and ability to follow through on that and get a prenup to protect yourself legally. 4. Are you aware of the legal and financial implications of this decision? : I think marriage gets romanticized so much to where people forget that this is one of the most legally significant things most people do next to dying. Know your rights and how all of this works. Financially, this also goes back to the long term plans point. You guys need to be able to talk about money, how much you make, as well as any debts and financial goals you may have. For example, say you decide that you want a kid. Kids cost a fuck ton of money. In this case, it's not only necessary to marry someone financially self sufficient but depending on how you want to raise your child, you will need more than just self sufficiency from yourself and your partner.

Just a thought but there is something about writing on a forum about how much you have grown as a person using somewhat measurable means that feels a bit cringe and pretentious. I really hope I don't sound high and mighty and more concious than thou but instead that I show an frank take on where I'm at with my life lol.

Strategist, Construct Aware, and Unitive Stages I reread the 9 Stages of Ego Development paper and rewatched the video yet again. I took closer notes compared to last time back in 10/2022. I feel like certain parts of the Stategic states are things that I'm encountering more closely right at the moment compared to before. I find it interesting how there are so many things that I'm resonating with and how there are even things that I have worked through in the not so distant past (like in the span of the last six months to year and a half). I'm also excited to see who I'm going to become in this process in these next few years and what I'm going to understand / discover about life as a whole. I feel like, if I were to roughly quantify it as a way to visualize and conceptualize my development, that I'm 15% Strategist, 60% Construct Aware, and 25% Unitive. I found the Strategist stage as a list of thoughts, emotions and experiences that I've had in the past and that I've found my own conclusions for largely but at the same time there are a handful of things that resonate with me in the present which I will be writing about below. The Construct Aware stage still feels like my center of gravity. And finally, when it comes to the Unitive stage, I can understand everything in this section on an intellectual level, but I would say that I resonate with it emotionally about half of the time. And even then, I'm think I have some ways to go when it comes to being able to embody it and fully experience it. Nevertheless, I included a good portion of things I resonate with from that section and expressed my thoughts on it. I'm going to list those down below as well as the ways that I'm connecting it back to my regular life and my general thought process at this time. I don't feel the need to expand much on the Construct Aware Stage since I feel like it's my center of gravity and because I feel that the original paper does a better job at breaking things down than I could tbh. And if I were to copy and paste portions that I resonated with, I would just post the entire section and this post would be too long lol. I don't really see any of these as problems to be solved or things that I need to work through such as in the previous stages and in my previous posts. Even though my previous posts in this series focused on that more, I left out these types of reflections off for the sake of succinction and organization. It was also because some of the stages I wasn't experiencing fully at the moment but there was some unhealthy manifestations and residue that was left off from the past that I wanted to address to further my development.

Spiral and Ego Development Check I do these twice a year to see where I'm at as a quick temperature check. I forgot to do one last month towards the end of April so I'm doing one now. I'm also cleaning up the posts so that it's more cohesive and doesn't have commentary and crossed off bits from the previous times I have done this. But of course, you can look this up by going to the previous post. Closing thoughts: October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages. Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing June 2023: I think at this point it's kind of like I mixed all of the right ingrediants and followed the correct directions to making a lovely cake and now I'm just waiting for it to bake since I put it into the oven. I do have good money management skills and I'm waiting on my savings to accumulate over time. I am on a good path career wise and I'm waiting for that to develop over time as I gain more skills and experiences and see more of what is out there. My frontal lobe development is pretty on point and I'm watering the plants that are my good relationships and I'm watching them grow and flower. I think I have a really good handle on things and I'm on track to reach various goals. And now we wait for things to finish baking. I think I need to do another post delving into the construct aware and strategist stages even more.

Healing? The following weeks have been rough after the first week since the shooting. I haven't been writing much mainly because I don't think I had much to write about regarding the subject since I let our a lot of my thoughs and emotions in the previous posts. The week after my posts, I mainly found myself feeling depressed and frequently agitated at work with the occasional crying spells. The week after that was better during my waking hours but at nights I would frequently get violent nightmares. I also kind of caught myself feeling kind of burnt out from work, mainly because I haven't really used my PTO this year and because of the emotional burden. The nightmares have been fucking with me. Not only do they throw off my sleep schedule because I wake up in a terror and have issues with falling back asleep, but instills this weird panic response whenever I hear my alarm go off. Granted by alarm in the morning isn't super loud or obnoxious but still, I catch myself with a really fast heart beat and shortness of breath when I wake up to my alarm. This last weekend was Memorial Day. I found myself feeling much better after having a 3-day weekend and a 4 day work week. I had my boyfriend over while my parents were out of town and just being able to fall asleep next to him helped me feel safe. I've only had a couple of nightmares since then. I think the decrease in nightmares is attributed to time as well as his presance. This last week was still depressing, though more mildly compared to these past couple of weeks. I think it more so has to do with my strained relationship with my parents as well as how I haven't really been going out of the house since the shooting. Starting with my strained relationship with my parents, or should I say my mom. The honey moon stage of me being back home has been fading in the last couple of months but I think it ended when my mom brushed off with how I felt about this shooting. A few days after the event, she asked me how I was doing and I responded with something along the lines of *I'm just here, just trying my best to get through the day.* Mind you, this was less than a week out. And she responded with "oh, why??" Like GIRL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY?!?!?!? I managed to calmly explain that the shock of the shooting is still affecting me to which she just responded with a peppy "Oh, right" followed with nothing after. No "is there anything you want to share", no "please let me know if you need anything", no "I'm here for you." Honestly, that pissed me off. A few days later, she was like "why haven't you been going to the gym?" I then told her that I've been anxious about going out in public to which she responded with bringing up the few times I managed to get out in public and by saying how this isn't an excuse to physically let myself go. I felt really angry about this situation because of how out of touch, tone deaf, and short sighted it was. Like... where tf are your priorities?!?!?! She's more concerned about the fact that I'm not working out and me possibly gaining weight than me mentally dealing with a MASS SHOOTING. Anyways, that confirmed that even though I had a life transition that she's stil the same person despite very surface level change. I had a good crying session about this and various other things that have come up regarding my relationship with her in therapy so I have processed a lot of this stuff. As for going out of the house, my mom was referring to the time when I went out with my friend twice and how I had a birthday party that weekend as well. The former was with a friend who was graduating and leaving the country so those two times were the last time I could hang out with them until god knows when. The later was with a friend whom I didn't talk to in a minute and my other friend who was invited was leaving the state the next day. Other than that and going grocery shopping, I haven't really left the house. I think I got Chipotle on one day and icecream on another. But that's it. Even when I've been hanging out with friends, I've been making it a point to explain my situation so that we aren't in a super commercial and busy area because the last time I was there I started getting a panic attack out of nowhere. I've been trying to get myself to get out of the house more since I cannot keep functioning like this and because being cooped up in home with my parents is it's own kind of problem. I haven't gone out of the house since last Thursday. It's Satuday now so it's been more than a week. Normally the gym is the thing that gets me out of the house since I work from home. Also, I think not moving around as much is also affect my mentally. Not only that, but part of me just really misses going. That's something that I'm trying to get back into in the coming week. I've tried to get myself this week and it didn't work but it is what it is. Dealing with things like this takes time and it's important to be gentle with yourself. And even though I'm doing better, I still feel conflicted about that. I find it fucked up that I'm able to move on from this, especially since there were 5 different mass shootings on Memorial Day weekend last week. I did feel something again, that something being a sense of pessimissm and helplessness summed up by *here we go again.* Definitely, I'm still sad but I can see the numbness creeping back up again. But at the same time, while there is a part of me that feels like I'm underreacting, there is a part of me that feels like I'm overreacting. The overreacting has to do with how everyone around me seems to be dealing with this better than I am. It's just back to normal. Meanwhile, I can't sleep because of the nightmares and I went 2 weeks having crying spells. Like I feel like I'm reacting more even compared to those who I know who live in Allen, not to far away from the mall. I feel crazy and over sensitive for acting this way despite not being there and having less proximity. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm doing the absolute most, even while writing all of this out.

Yeah I get the concern. There was one a little more than a week ago near where I live in a place I frequent at. I had friends who had family members who were there that day and saw everything and knew one of the victims. I'm still shaken up by this as it's hitting so close to home. I think it's a normal response to be concerned about this due to the frequency and due to the possiblity that it can happen anywhere. It also means you're not completely desensitized. Sure there are worse things happening (you can say that about literally anything) but that doesn't mean that we downplay or normalize something like this, especially since it's preventable and doesn't happen nearly as much or nearly at the same deadly levels as in the U.S.

They're really pretty and they look like a thoughtful gift

Coping Friday: I just felt irritated all day. I woke up this morning after another nightmare and the alarm from my phone woke me up feeling panicked first thing in the morning. I couldn't focus on work and every time a customer wanted something, I just wanted to snap at them. Thank god I don't have to handle phone calls because typing and responding to them is an easier medium to feign interest, kindness, and compassion in. During and after work, I found myself mindlessly consuming tiktok videos of god knows what I guess in an effort to drown out my thoughts and emotions around the situation. I messaged my boyfriend saying that I wanted to talk to him for no particular reason mainly because I knew his voice and his pressance comforts me. I felt frustrated leading up to the call because I didn't just want to hear his voice but because I wanted to be in his arms so that I can feel a sense of peace and to feel supported. I'm not the type of person who does this type of thing but I was just really craving attention. We made plans before to meet up on Saturday at his house. We decided that we were going to make pizza at home and that before I got there that he was going to bring the ingrediants since I still feel uncomfortable being in public spaces. I still had a couple of crying sessions today thinking of the victims. Saturday: I woke up later than expected this morning and I rushed to get ready and go to my boyfriend's house since he lives an hour away. Thankfully I wasn't too late and we started make pizzas soon after. It was a fun little activity. We made enough for us two, his parents, and his mom's friend. His mom and her friend went out to some kind of town hall meeting regarding the shooting. We talked a little about it but mainly we were trying to keep our mind off of it. Later, after we had lunch, his mom's friend left, his dad left to do some errands, and his mom went out to do some yard work. I went to my boyfriend's room and we started cuddling because I told him how much I just wanted to be held. I had a good cry while talking about my thoughts and feelings about the victims and he comforted me during that time. I felt really supported and cared for while he held me close and ran his fingers through my hair. He kept telling me how he and my friend (the one whose uncle was in the shooting) are safe and that we'll all be okay. He tried to say that change will come from this but I honeslty doubt it. He also kept telling me that I wasn't over reacting and that I have every right to feel the way I do which made me feel validated and seen regarding my reaction to these events. We both continued comforting each other for the rest of the day until it was time for me to go. After being at his house, I went to meet up with another friend and their family. They just graduated and they are about to move out of college and later move abroad. This was essentially my last chance of seeing them until god knows when. I enjoyed having dinner with them and helping them pack up. It felt bittersweet since I'm definitley going to miss them, however, I'm happy about the opportunity they got and that as a trans person that they will be out of the U.S. considering the very concerning rhetoric. I still caught myself thinking of the victims. My friend had family visit for their graduation and in addition to their parents and sister, their 7 year old nephew came as well. I couldn't help but keep thinking of the little boy whose family got wiped out last week when I would talk and play with my friend's nephew. My friend did check in with me to see how I was doing and how the people I knew in Allen were doing as well. I really appreciated it but it was still challenging to stay completely present that day. Sunday: I woke up really late on Sunday since Saturday was a pretty long day. I was out from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm and I woke up at 10:30 am and fell asleep at 1:00 am. I was out and about for most of the day. I also had complicated feeling around mother's day pop up for me but that's a separate topic. I didn't have any nightmares the night before so that was nice even though I did a fair bit of rumination before I fell asleep. I definitly felt myself being more at peace the night before and on Sunday after being with my friend and my boyfriend. I really needed to be held by someone. I still generally speaking felt depressed about the situation even though I didn't have any crying spells. I tried to take my mind off of it by watching videos on YouTube but my mind just couldn't focus, not because I kept thinking of the shooting, but because I suppose I have some brain fog given how emotionally intense this last week was. I am dreading going back to work. I'm not sure how I will feel on Monday and if I'll still be irritated by having to work and live my life as if everything is normal. I have mentally made a list of all the things I want to talk about with my therapist on Tuesday given the stuff I talked about in this post and the prior posts. Overall, today was not very eventful but I think it was what I needed.

The Victims Wednesday: I still felt anxious and jumpy about the whole situation. I met up with a friend to get dinner and I caught myself having my heart beat faster and be out of breath at random moments. I also parked a little further away from the restaurant because of a lack of parking spaces and I caught myself feeling terrified of walking to the restaurant. My friend noticed this and help me calm down. The restaurant was crowded and our group was waiting outside for a table. I'm still anxious about just being out in the open so I waited inside, isolated from the rest of the group, trying not to freak out. I eventually go inside, wait in line for the bathroom, and wait in the bathroom for a couple of minutes until our table was ready because even being that close to the entrence freaked me out. Even during dinner, I caught myself being hyper vigilant of my surrounding where I was thinking of my closest exits and how I'd hide / react if a shooting were to occur. But most of today felt depressing more than anything. I kept thinking of the victims and their families, especially Christian LaCour and William Cho. My friends uncle was friends with Christian and would talk to him on a daily basis when going to work. My friend's uncle ran to find cover only to find his body on the floor long gone. Christian was around my age. I kept thinking of the grief and PTSD my friend and my friend's uncle are experiencing right now, of just seeing someone who is the same age as your nieces and nephews lying there in a pool of his own blood. I also can't help but think if my friend could have been one of the casualties that day, what it would be like finding her like that. I thought of William Cho, a six year old boy who had a birthday recently who when to H&M to return a few things that he got and whose parents and 3 year old brother were murdered while they were hiding in the bushes. He is the only one who survived in the family. I read a chilling account of a first responder who found the boy's mother crouched in a bush. When the responder turned the lady over, she had no face. He found a boy under her body and he looked as someone dunked him in blood. The little boy kept telling the man "my mommy is hurt, my mommy is hurt, please help her." Not only is this horrifying to be in your dead mother's arms drenched in blood with her face blown off, but it's unexplainably tragic for a six year old to be saved in this way to where there is only so much they can understand and process about the situation. Like, how do you continue living like that?!?!?! I wouldn't be surprise that on top of the trauma, the grief, the PTSD, that the kid would have survivor's guilt as well not only because he is the only one who survived but because they were going to return his clothes that day. That poor baby. That's all I can think about. That poor baby. I also thought of Aishwarya Thatikonda, a girl from south India who got an engineering job in Allen. I kept thinking about the process her friends and family are going through over seas. I'd imagine her getting this opportunity in a different country was very hopeful and exciting and after years of hard work, only for her and her friend to be gunned down in a seemingly normal day. Her friend survived and is now in stable condition but she died on her way to the hospital I believe. As someone who is familiar with the South Asian community in the Dallas area and knows of others who died violently and tragically and heard about what their families experienced over seas, I feel like I can put myself in their shoes. I also thought of Elio Cumana-Rivas who had a similar story to Aishwarya in the sense that he immigrated from Venezwuella for a better life. There isn't much that is known about the 32-year old and I'm pretty sure it's because his friends and family just want privacy to process this senseless tragedy which I can empathize with. As someone who grew up in a post 9/11 world and as a woman of color who came of age in the Trump presidency, I can't say that I've ever believed in the mythos of **The American Dream** that I feel is sold to my parents and other immigrants. I just think it's really fucked up for people who believe in the American propoganda as a way of being hopeful of achieving a greater standard of living have to meet with the deteriorating reality of this place, especially when it involves being gunned down. Finally I thought of Daniella and Sofia Mendoza, two elementary school age sisters (ages 10 and 8) who were killed. Their mother is in critical condition. The way their bodies were stacked on top of each other is an image that is burned into my mind. I can't even imagine what it must be like for the father, to lose both of your children instantly and also being uncertain about losing your wife. This also reminded me of my emotions with the Sandy Hook shooting and how it was also a situation where elementary school kids were targetted. I've had multiple crying sessions throughout the day about these stories. Especially for William Cho. His story kept repeating in my head. That poor baby, that poor baby, that poor baby... Thursday: I started my day after having nightmares about being caught in a domestic terror attack. I spent time at work only to take some time off and essentially take a half day. I told my boss the day before that I have friends and family in Allen and that I know people who were at the mall that day and who are connected to one of the victims. I also told them that thankfully everyone that I know are fine but I am pretty shaken up by the situation and that while I don't feel comfortable going into the details, that I do feel comfortable enough to open up and be honest about the situation with her and let her know what's going on and how I am noticing it's affecting my performance. She was very supportive and we worked on a plan on how to best move forward professionally. I ended up submitting a few hours of PTO as I submitted a half day that was much needed. After getting off at noon, I took a shower, ate, and took a nap (it was 5 hours long). I definitely needed that sleep considering that I haven't been sleeping well back to back and considering the fact that I was still able to sleep later that night. Today still felt more depressing than anything. My brain kept repeating *That poor baby, that poor baby, that poor baby...* as I kept thinking of William, Daniella, and Sofia. Later that night, I caught myself ruminating about how to best prepare for such situations. I kept thinking of floor plans of various places I have lived and spent time in regularly, how to hide, and how to fight back. Thankfully, I didn't continue doom scrolling as I was the days before. There is a sense of predictibility with the information that is currently out there. Like I've seen the videos a million times, read various stories and accounts of the families affected, listened to the survivors, etc. The main piece of new information that has come up is the connections the shooter had to white supremacist organizations and incel ideology. Honestly, out of everything that I have found out about this incident, this is the least surprising thing especially considering 7 out of the 8 victims were people of color and because a lot of the shootings are from right wing domestic terrorists. I think there is a part of me that is still desensitized to the notion of hate crimes which part of me wants to see as an acceptance of the situation and an ability to emotionally cope with such tragedies. My therapist asked about the white supremacy part of the equation back in Tuesday to check in to see how this was affecting me but I just responded with how if there was a shooter near me, I'm not going to sit here and try to decipher what his ideology or motive may be. I'm just going to start running because I'm a target regardless of my race. Perhaps this is desensitization, perhaps this is my survival instincts kicking in before my race awareness. I felt better at the end of today because of the additional sleep and time off. I did dread work the day after but I tried to reassure myself that I will just have to get through Friday and then I have the rest of the weekend to continue recuperating.

Depends on what you want to do. If you want to go into something like consulting, investment banking, anything that will require some thing law school, med school, or a phd, then you really need to get a good gpa AND get into a top school or it's going to be a steep up hill climb. But if you're like most people and you don't want to do that, then honestly, you're best off with going to a school that you can afford and that fits you socially and academically. Your life isn't over lol. College isn't the best years of your life and there are good odds that this isn't going to be the greatest thing you will do in your life. It just feels very monumental when you're a teen/young adult because school is all you have known your entire life. Worst case scenario, you won't put your gpa on your resume. You don't need to put your associates and your bachelors. Once you graduate, just put your bachelors and that's it. No need to put both and write out the years you spent all together. Just pick out your highest qualification and put that on there. I would put more of an emphasis on getting involved on campus and/or getting a job or internship. Even if it is something like working retail, food service, or volunteering, just showing that you have customer service skills, are able to multitask, and work well with people shoud be enough for an entry level position so long as you're not applying to anything with a heavy technical background (in which case certifications + work experience > degrees).

Secondary PTSD: Monday: I got to see my friend who was closely impacted by the shooting and my boyfriend who lives in Allen on Monday near downtown Dallas. We had plans previously to go shopping on the 8th because my friend is moving to Washington DC and needed professional clothes for her internship. I felt some relief after spending time with them and being able to physically see that they are alright. My friend on the other hand I'm still concerned about due to her proximity to the event physically and relationally. We both think she hasn't processed the even fully and is still in a *I need to be on the go and focus on other things in my life* mode. I felt pretty jumpy while hanging out. We just went to a cafe and then a couple of thrift stores to keep things more low key. I caught myself having intrusive thoughts where I would imagine violent and gory scenes. I caught myself being extra vigilant of my surroundings and getting nervous on the road when my boyfriend was driving despite him being a careful driver. I caught myself having random periods of anxiety when my heart rate would go up out of nowhere. And finally, I caught myself feeling nervous when I was out in the open outside of a store. We were waiting for my friend to get back from somewhere and I didn't feel comforable waiting outside the store because I felt exposed and unsafe so I told my boyfriend that we should wait in the car instead. In my mind, if anything were to happen, if we're in the car we can drive off. The other thing that freaked me out was when my friend told me that the only reason why she wasn't in the mall that day was because she had plans with me and my boyfriend. She thought "well, I already planned to go shopping with soos_mite_ah and her boyfriend on Monday. I don't really need to go today." She's mainly grateful about this and I am too, but it just freaks me out how much of an impact this really tiny decision has made. We could have easily made the decision to go to the outlet mall that day instead. In addition to her uncle being caught in the store across from where the shooting began, apparently her step dad left the mall right before the shooting began. He saw the shooter's car pull up and he heard the first round of shot but thought it was just someone who was having issues with their car and just drove off as usual. It's just too close to people I know. Also, her uncle knew one of the victims and would talk to the guy on a daily basis when he would show up for work. I kept my emotions in check around my friend. I didn't want to show her how freaked out I felt because I want her to be able to process in her own time and I think me being reactive could be triggering for her. I got the sense that she wanted to hang out to get things done for her move, to spend time with her friends before she leaves, and to get her mind off of the matter for a little bit after venting. But when I started driving back home, I just started crying in my car at the thought of losing her. I was still getting the intrusive thoughts and I kept imagining her being part of the bodies surrounded by blood. And it's no surprise that I had trouble sleeping Monday night. More information came out about the victims and I couldn't help but start doom scrolling. Tuesday: I had a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I told her everything I have heard and have been feeling over the last few days. I think it really helped me process this situation. I also found out that I maybe dealing with secondary trauma / PTSD from the event. I talked alot about the symptoms I've been experiencing, the places my mind has been going, and the emotions I've been repressing for the past 10 years. After the session, I searched up what secondary trauma and PTSD was. Here is the website and here is a little bit that I want to include in my journal: https://www.banyanmentalhealth.com/2022/03/02/secondary-trauma-symptoms/ I also wrote out what I'm experiencing in blue. I don't think I have secondary PTSD as of yet but secondary trauma for sure. I'm still trying to see how this will unfold in the next couple of weeks. I do have some hope since I have experienced something similar in the past and it was just me being shaken up for 2ish weeks. I think I just need time and space before I feel like my normal self.

Mass Shootings The last time I've ever felt anything about a mass shooting was during the Sandy Hook shooting back in December 2012. I was 13 years old at the time and I remembered days after the event had occured on a Wednesday, I was sitting in my school chappel as our preacher read out the names of the 20 first graders who were killed. My school had this program where the older kids were given the responsibility to look after the younger ones during chappel. As a 7th grader was in charge of 2 first graders. I looked across the ailes and I remember the seniors where in charge of a kindergartener. And all I could think of when those names were being read was what would happen if someone came in through the door and shot the child next to me who is half the size of me at the time. Afterwards, I ran into the bathroom and just cried. I didn't give myself that much time to cry since chappel was wrapping up and we were about to go on to our classes later but I wiped away my tears and moved on with my day. After that day I didn't feel anything towards a mass shooting. It's like my brain shut this part of my empathy off in order to deal with this type of stuff. But every now and then I get reminded that this not a normal way to react in the sense that it's fucked up that I've been so desensitized to this type of thing. All of the mass shootings blur together at some point. And while I do vote and do what I can on my end, I don't really think anything is going to change in the near future. I remember having teachers over the years express how distraught they felt about these situations through high school and college while the rest of my class stared off blankly as if it was a normal Tuesday. I think about how numb my peers are and how numb I am, and how that feels jarring for our teachers older than us. I'd imagine, going up to a class with children old enough to understand what is happening and mentioning the news, only for there to be no reaction what so ever to feel so ominous. There is a sense of apathy that can be interpreted as a lack of care or empathy but it can also be interpreted as a reaction to always being exposed to this type of news to where it's normalized. There is also the sense of wanting to emotionally connect with other people regarding the news but having those advancements be met with stone cold silence or just the other person ignoring you that can be incredibly invalidating. Either way, it's chilling. I do remember at different times in college where I was chilling and talking to my peers and telling stories about that one "incident" in our school in a laughing and joking matter only to be like "you know it's kinda fucked up we're making light of this matter, but I guess that's our way of coping. I mean, what's the alternative?" But over all, while I feel like I can intellectually process it, emotionally I've always blocked myself off from this type of collective trauma and used humor to cushion that wall like many people in my generation. However, for the first time in 10+ years, I felt something when it comes to mass shootings. There was a mass shooting in a suburb north of Dallas called Allen, TX in their outlet mall. I have a number of friends who live in Allen including my boyfriend. One of my friends has an uncle who was working in the mall yesterday. He saw people get shot, pools of blood, and a family with small children who were hiding in the bushes die. Thankfully, my friend's uncle got out unharmed but that entire night my friend was trying to calm him down from the carnage he witnessed. Part of me feels like a bad person for having feelings only when someone I am distantly connected to is suffering and not for the hundreds of other shootings that have happened in the last 10 years. Another part of me feels bad for being affected by it so much because I'm not the main person suffering. I wasn't at the scene, I have no right to be upset. This is just part of life at this point and it's only a matter of time before you or someone you know is caught in this type of thing. Get over it. Finally, another part can recognize all of this is a trauma response and it's part of the way that my brain specifically decided to cope with constantly getting exposed to this stuff. That part of me currently feels overwhelmed because a lot of the things I've been bottling up for the last 10 years is coming up. I started talking to my boyfriend about this yesterday and just sat with him on the phone feeling whatever I felt and occasionally saying something while reading the various new stories that were developing. I was hoping to god that the family in the bushes were mentioned in an article so that it would mean that there is a chance my friend was parroting things she saw on the news rather than explaining what her uncle witnessed. The way she worded it sounded a bit unclear. I kept reading her texts to me and reading the comments on the new videos. Many were about how this happened because the Allen Outlet Mall is a gun free zone and because the shooter was killed by an officer, there was this narrative of how if everyone was armed this wouldn't have happened and that "the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." And while I found those comments as stupid and frustrating in the past, I can't help but think that making comments like that is a symptom of our collective trauma and a way of coping for the sector of Americans who are hell bent on concepts individualism and personal responsibility. It sounds awfully like the barginning stage of grief after a traumatic event. I also started thinking about my proximity to other violent events. I have also been at a mall near my house that got shot up like 10-15 minutes after I left the place. I also had a CVS phamacy that was robbed where the robber shot a pregnant lady who was working there about an hour after I left the place. My university has had a couple of bomb threats during my time there. And just by being a woman who has had encounters with some sketchy guys, I began thinking of those instances too. Part of me, while deeply terrifed of being at the receiving end of violence, feels like this type of thing is inevitable. I'm not under the impression that I think that this will never happen to me. Something I use to calm myself in situations where I'm walking alone at night or I'm in a parking lot alone is that if I ever get raped, murdered, trafficked, kidnapped etc. that it will be in the hands of someone I know, not a random person in a back alleyway. Which is also fucked up to verbalize but I guess the only way to combat a very real and valid fear women have is by having an equally real and valid narrative to combat it which is to recognize how realistically things usually play out. But when it comes to shootings, there is only so much you can do given how random they can be. Today, I woke up and started watching videos of interviews people did on the Sandy Hook shootings for the survivors 10 years later. Many of them are in their last years of high school or are in college. I just kept thinking of the lives of the survivors after all of this and how not much has changed since 2012 both in terms of their trauma as well as our federal legislature. I also thought it was important to watch in order to reconnect with my empathy because part of me felt completely fine after I woke up and that just felt kind of fucked up and icky. It felt icky because I interpretted the feeling of being "completely fine" as me falling back into my numbness and callous apathy. And as I write out my thoughts and draw out the number of complex thoughts and feelings I have to this, I think it challenges me to question the notion that there is a right or moral way to feel and cope with events such as these. My boyfriend and I checked on my friend who was being impacted and we're waiting to get a response back from her. I'm also contemplating on taking time off of work tomorrow just to process some things that this situation is bringing up.

I love this video so much and I have watched it an embarassing number of times

My Hobbies and Interests Throughout the Years As I started journalling about my relationship with writing, I started thinking about my relationship with other past times I had over the years. Biking, Tennis, Swimming (2005-2011): These are things I would spend my time doing on the weekends along with watching cartoons as a kid when I didn't have to worry about too much homework and when the weather was nice Playing on my Nintendo DS (2007-2012): Man, I was glued to this thing. My favorite games included Pokemon, Mario Kart, Super Mario Bros, Cooking Mama and Kingdom hearts. Pokemon was especially my favorite. I was deadset on catching them all until at some point I was like *they doin the absolute most* so I gave up lol. Drawing/Painting (2009-2016): I started getting into anime style art after seeing tutorials on YouTube. I remember I would spend a long time trying to draw on MS Paint, teach myself to draw using various mediums ranging from acrylics, charcoal, pastels etc. I also taught myself to use photoshop, took art classes over the summer, and generallly spent a lot of time learning proportions, shading etc. These were my first flow experiences as a kid. Watching anime (2011-2014): I got into anime after getting into Pokemon. My friends introduced me to different kids of manga and I got hooked on various fandoms this way from Fruits Basket, Tokyo Mew Mew, Kitchen Princess, Kaicho wa Maid Sama, Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach, and Death Note. I remember liking both shoujo and shouhen manga/ anime. I fell off of the manga and anime loop once I got into high school because I had a higher work load and I was worried about college. I can't say I know much about what happens in anime circles but generally speaking I can understand various different troups, discussions, and terminology going on. Helping my friends write fanfiction (2011-2013): I was never a fanfic writer but something that I liked doing with my friends during and in between classes is make up stories based on various YA novels we read from Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Hunger Games etc. I was the kid who would try to come up with character designs and plot twists lol. Various Pop punk / Emo Music bands (2010-2017): I had a solid 7 year long emo phase lol. I remember bonding with my friends over the types of music we listened to, how I would actively be discovering more music, and it was just a huge part of my identity through my preteen to mid teen years. It started to fizzle out around when I was 16/17 when I expanded my music taste and honestly, I never got into music in the same way after that. Writing (2016-??) Wrote a whole post about this lol Ice Skating (2014-2018): I did ice skating as a hobby throughout high school. I did do it while I was in elementary school as well but the ice rink near me at the time was demolished so I went like a solid 7 years without ice skating. I went to the ice rink about 3x a week and it was another one of my favorite flow experiences and a good physical outlet for me. Contemplating (2013-2016): I was already a very contemplative kid growing up. I think a large part of it had to do with me being an only child who had a lot of time in the world to just be lost in her own thoughts whlie listening to music. I think even now I'm just in a constant state of existential crisis lol. However, for the sake of this post I'm cutting this off at 2016 because I want to draw a distinction between contemplating and just getting into / thinking about self development. The stuff I thought about in the year range above mainly had to do with psychology, religion, philosophy, etc. Self Development (2016-2022): I started getting into self development after realizing how messed up my homelife was and how messed up my mental health was. It mainly started with me looking up videos on YouTube on how to deal with things like depression and anxiety as well as making sense of my family issues. I also got into therapy in 2018 and I feel like college gave me a good amount of distance to figure this stuff out. I think this greatly impacted how much and how often I would write. I'm setting the year range ending at 2022 because I feel like in 2023, my self development isn't as central in my life rather I'm just doing things for maintenance. I'm still in therapy and I still journal here and there but I wouldn't say it dominates my time as it used to. I'm past the season of character development and I'm currently enjoying the fruits of that. Weight lifting (2022-??): I started getting into early last year in my efforts to heal my relationship with food and exercise. It's something I do on a fairly regular basis. Left tube video essays (2018-2023): I discovered left tube back in 2018 when I started going to my conservative college. I started getting into some of the video essays because it helped me make sense of my current situation. I do think that this was also something that went hand in hand with my educational background and my interests on social issues overall from my childhood. And whle I'm still into social sciences and understanding social issues, I will say watching video essays are starting to get boring for me specifically which is why the year range ends in 2023.