Vittorio

So, here I am! I want to share many things that happened to me yesterday and today that I realized. First, I want to describe, how I feel myself right now. Before going to the park and having that breakthrough, I felt confused and detached. After coming back, I felt more joyful and grounded on earth. I feel myself energetic, motivated and positive. I feel myself more full and "roundier". So, let's talk about my insights. I am dividing them into different topics so it's easier for you to read what you like. I am open to hear more from you (especially for the "I" topic, where I am a bit confused). 1) Misconceptions and confusion about "I": Who am I REALLY? I had yesterday three occasions where I noticed afterwards that there was something strange. The first occasion was as I cried out of joy at the park (see my post up here) I felt it was not me (the me identity) who cried, but someone other else. In fact I felt a distance between who was crying and the me identity. It was, as if my body cried on its own or that I have someone else inside of me who used the body in which I still partially identify myself to cry. The second occasion was after coming back home and having a discussion with my ex gf, who is still living with me. I felt that there was someone else who was angry at her (it was some pain body attack). In fact, as soon as I noticed it, I stopped immediately my behavior and preferred to do a step back instead of losing awareness, wasting time etc (it was a goalless discussion). The third occasion was yesterday, as I was talking with my best friend on the phone and we we were looking some funny guy on the internet. I laughed a lot. Much more than I usually would do for that. I felt it was not Vittorio who laughed, but someone else. And I felt it was natural to laugh so much. So it seems there are two different entities inside of me: one, the "bad" one, which is the one I identified myself with. This is the passive one, the resentful one etc. The other entity, the "good" one, is the one who is joyful, has understanding for the situation, is wise and know what's the best thing to do, can be present, can show gratitude, appreciation and joy (and much more). So, who am I? The "bad" one or the "good" one? Who governs me? What is "me"? Who is really speaking? The good or the bad entity? When I see at who am I, I see noone and nothing. It seems that my thoughts and everything I perceive come out of nowhere. If I close my eyes and focus on being, it seems as if all perceptions were in the same realm and if I were there in the middle, together with all these perceptions, in some kind of primordial soup and that's the true core of reality and what I am. 2) Ego was what brought me here, now I have to let it go to move forward To pursue enlightenment there must be some ego driven motivation to let the ball roll and start pursuing it. After a while, you'll understand that ego gets in your way and that will either slow you down or prevent you from reaching deeper awakenings. This means I must: Become aware of what's left of my ego and how it works Stop giving my ego attentions and letting me govern from it Be mindful and avoid mental chatter and monkey mind Understand which ways does my ego use to slow me down from awakening (e.g. sense of proudness, sense of moral superiority, sense of achievement etc.) Stay in the Being as long as possible and make it my standard condition 3) Stop feeling myself morally better and cool I understood why enlightened people don't want to talk about them as being enlightened. First, normal people don't understand at all what enlightenment is (and are not even interested). Second, telling someone who doesn't understand enlightenment that you are enlightened make you look a fool or "that strange guy". Third, this is a ego driven attitude to feel yourself morally better and cool and feel that sense of proudness and getting approval from others. This is a problem of mine, because I try to convey unconsciously and indirectly how cool, intellectual and insightful I am to get approval and recognition. This is only mind game and make my ego stronger. Rather, it's much better to feel humilty and gratitude for the gift you received. As I said, I have to let it go or to reach fuller awakenings. It's a tradeoff. I am more than happy to do this tradeoff, but it won't be easy. The biggest misconceptions about "living in the present moment": What do people understand I understand yesterday the biggest misconception about "living in the present moment". People understand it in these ways: There is only the present moment, so I don't have to mind about consequences and I can do everything I want (even bad stuff) I must always act right now, because there is no other moment than now Do you have any doubt? Hey, there is only the now, just do it (Nike style) Well, this is NOT what "living in the present moment" means. I understand in the next point why, by talking about Mind vs Being. 4) Mind vs Being I noticed that my monkey mind is something separated from me. I noticed that Being is separated from my monkey mind, but it's the "real" me. So I understood that the true core of living Reality is the Being and with Being I mean living reality in the present moment as it is, be feeling and living itself in a raw manner with all your perceptions without any distraction, monkey mind, projections or such. This is what "living in the present moment" really means. Living without wandering off with your mind. So there is Mind and there is Being and you have to learn to use them both properly to live good. If you are in your Mind, then you are not in your Being (and viceversa) Mind nullifies Being and Being nullifies Mind. That's why meditation turn off Mind. Because the focus is on the Being and not on the Mind anymore. Mind is neurotic and falsehood, Being is calm, happiness, Love and Truth. 5) Stop trying to understand everything and go with the flow I understood that I have to take it easy and stop trying to grasp everything with my mind. There will be the right time for me to deepen my understanding. 6) I must open myself more to life and to positive feelings I have to open myself up more to life, to Love, Passion, Joy, Gratitude and let it go. These things are actually missing in my life. I am not used to feel these things, if not sporadically. I have always been result centered and pragmatic (not materialist, only pragmatic) and did not enjoy the small things. This is why it was hard to me to find a Vision or a LP. Because LP and Vision are passion driven and need clarity. You cannot have any clarity, if you are super pragmatic and task oriented. That's one of the reasons why I felt lost for so much time and didn't have any sense of direction. Luckily I have more passion than before, but I feel there is much more to do here. 7) I am randomly waking up in the middle of the night This is the second night in a row I wake up around 4.30 AM in a state of high energy and presence (so no worries or anxiety). After a while insights start plowing in. I dunno why it happens (lol I just want to sleep). Does anybody know why exactly? Some monkey mind shows up too, so I must ground myself in Being and become as much present as possible and to relax myself. I actually relaxed myself so much that after 15 minutes I went into sleep and had a crazy lucid dream experience (the second one in two days). 8) I am having crazy lucid dream experiences I had yesterday and today crazy lucid dream experiences before fully waking up. This is the first one. Yesterday I was in this big space where it was a mixture between an open space/park and a house. While sleeping I became fully consciously that I was in a dream. I started testing the dream. I pinched my arms and I felt pain. I went then on a threadmill there and start running, to see if I got out of breath and tired. And yes, it was just like "normal" reality, but it was rather another reality. So I told to myself in my dream that that was so cool I had to wake up and tell my best friend @billiesimon about it. And I did exactly that. The second one was something stranger. I was aware I was "here" and "there" simultaneously. It was some creepy silent hill decadent setting. I understood this was some kind of symbolic dream, where I had to fully exorcise a specific fear from my past caused by a paranormal activity I had in my childhood. I exorcised it in a past trip, but it seems I am still not completely over it. This time I was motivated to face it once and for all. I had no fear and felt totally in control of myself. I was there to open this door and facing my fear. And then... I woke up. Lolz, badass. 9) Reality will show up to give you hints about who you really are This is something I discussed with my best friend @billiesimon. What he felt in his direct experience is that perceptions and events are there to let you notice who you really are. I felt something like that yesterday too. As I went to the park, I felt how everything was different, as if it were the first time I was visiting that park and that reality was popping up around me as I moved. I felt as if trees, branches, leaves and the entire universe were smiling at me and invited me to move further (= here I am and here you are). I smiled and kept walking I smiled at the sun and he shined brighter, warming me with his rays I noticed the magnificence, the abundance and the perfection of reality with every single leaf, branch and grass stems After a while I sat under a big tree, put my headphones on and listened to Beatles' song "Love is all you need" and focused on grounding myself in the present moment Few seconds later I started crying a lot. Crying out of deep Joy, Gratitude, Appreciation and Love to be alive and to experience Life and I understood for some time that our existence is magic, precious and frail. That's why we don't have to waste it and rather find our bliss in what we do and do what's make us the most passionate and joyful. 10) I am probably going to do a trip this weekend I want to deepen my awakening and to root myself more into being, thus opening myself up to a more stable, profound and permanent shift. My trip intention is reaching a deeper awakening and root myself more into Being permanently.

Thank you! I had a tons of realization and insight to share. I will write a post about it.

I know! That's what make me excited about

I understood there are two forces inside of me. One, who wants to accept the current situation and realize that he has to ground itself in the present moment. One, who is not satisfied because I still did not complete Leo's checklist, is eager to "unlock" the achievement badge, refuse to accept what's happening and has fear to lose all progresses. I realized there is no one right way to get enlightened. There are people who snaps and have everything at once. There are people who experiences it gradually and slow. And then there are people who experiences it fast. There are many different awakening to experience inside of enlightenment. Awakening to love for example is one side. Awakening to meaninglessness is another side. Awakening to infinity is another side. This does not mean I am not enlightened. I experience the "basic" signs of an enlightened person and my state is permanent, so I can admit (without using it as an achievement badge) that enlightement occoured, but I still have to experience bigger awakenings yet (e. g. opening myself more to infinite or to the illusion) and to permanent shift my state toward them. I have to let go more my ego and its fear, proudness and result oriented attitude and focus on Being and living a good life in the present moment. Still I am happy of my progresses. Every day I discover something new. This is all new to me but it's wonderful.

<3

This is the tree under where I cried. I realized that what I needed was Love, appreciation and Being in the present moment and then I cried out of Joy. I think this is the right direction. I went into this park as if it were the first time I went there. It seemed to me that nature was smiling at me. I noticed the magnificient of the nature. Every single leaf, tree, branches etc. I observed single leaves, branches and such. I smiled at the sun and it glowed stronger almost blinding me (coincidence)? I still don't feel any major shift but hey, at least I am a bit happier

Nahm, I went under a tree in the Park and listened to your song and I cried out of Joy. Joy to be alive. Thank you.

Hi Vegan I read your suggestion in another thread and implemented your observation in my self-inquiry practice <3 I will have to sort it all out, before moving on. This day gave me many things to reflect about.

Thank you for your opinion! I will shift more through being, feeling passion and focusing myself less on the tasks and on the results to enjoy presence. I will go for a walk in the woods later and enjoy nature in silence. I have a good feeling about that

I got it. I have a different self-esteem and believes than yours at the time you got your enlightenment. I got depression and had many setbacks in my life. I felt myself caged a lots of time and I suffered a lot, but I never had suicidal thoughts and I always strived to break free at all costs and found my way out one way or another. Many times I paid a high price for that. I have already experienced in real life and in psychedelic trips following feelings and things: - Meaningslessness - Feeling of isolation and don't being understood anymore after what I discovered - I am God - I am infinite - Reality is magic and a bliss - Everything is illusory and only a perception - Oneness - Being - Perception is "glued in" to reality - Freed myself from some kind of entity which stalked me for more than 10 years in my dreams after a paranormal activity happened in my childhood (it was a kind of self-made exorcism I did on myself) - Channeling and possession from entities and much more. So I am not a complete newbie with that. Still, I am following your suggestions and reading a new earth again (not everything, because I have most of the foundation handled, but reading the chapters I feel will help me most).

Thank you for your quote. If I am reading good among the lines, your quote suggest to don't be obsessed on doing but on being and, on the other side, still keep a balance between "doing" (spiritual practices) and resting in being. Is that so?

I think you're right. This leave me confused a bit. How can you have a desire to reach enlightenment, if you cannot have any desire of reaching it (desires are ego driven)?

I really hope so. This is totally new to me and I still have to understand what's happening lolz. Thank you!

Thank you I think I will have much to reflect about.

Hi @BlackMaze thank you for your reply! I will re-read a new earth (I have it in my library). By reading my quote about my reasons: I get your point. Let me explain what I have in mind with reaching enlightenment. I am at a point in my life where I handled all my basic needs. I have a well paid job, a good apartment, I had my experiences, I did many trips, I meditate, daily do much self-reflection and I feel myself solid enough. I don't have any addictions, I rarely eat junk food, drink alcohol or do "stupid" activities. I don't collect material shiny things and I almost don't use any social media. What I want to do now is doing the "next step". This means practically working on my vision and on my LP and obtaining it. I want then to "aim high" and not having my mind limiting myself. I still have limiting believes, self-deception and I am shifting my life from frequenting people because of the value I give them to compatiblity. To me enlightenment means to clean up all the unauthentic stuff (lies, manipulation, self-deceptions, limiting believes, attachment, needyness etc. which I still have in some part) in my life with a single sweep and as a mean to create and reach a much bigger vision to help mankind than the one I can create with my current awareness. I am open to lose motivation for a while, having to "rediscover myself", change life and lose all the progresses I made in finding my LP and my vision until now IF this cleans up all the "bad stuff" I have. I am fluid and not particularly attached to my identity and to my ego. I want to live authentically, happy and in the best possible way and do the best to serve the others.

Here I am. I read all your replies and did a bit of self-reflection and this is what I found out (please give me your takes). What I am living right now is a state of high presence and despersonalization/detachment from myself, my feelings and reality as a whole. This is a gift, because I now have a real ground to work about to reach enlightenment. But I won't get enlightened IF I don't understand what's happening right now and change my attitude towards it and toward life in general. I am actually stuck because of these reasons: 1) I have a practical and result oriented attitude that will do and sacrifice everything it takes to reach my goals (remaining in the "good" side). This has many negative sides. It causes neglecting my body, my needs and myself as a whole just for the result sake. By doing that, I rapidly lose touch with emotions and passion involved. This is not something I can reach without feeling any emotions like a mindless robot 2) I approach enlightenment with my mind only and not with being. I have a intuitive attitude and I channel insights random even in real life while doing groceries and such, so I am used to "understand" things through mind. Enlightenment is too big to be grasped with mind only. This is not some "mechanical stuff", this is much much bigger than what I can grasp with my mind. I have to ground myself into being 3) I have a fixation on reaching the goal and reaching it ASAP. This means practically I have a obstinacy to reach enlightenment (e. g. doing 3-4 hours straight self-inquiry, waking up during night and meditating and doing self-inquiry and the readyiness to give up all my identity and everything it takes to reach enlightenment). This causes frustration and obsession for the result. Maybe I must cease to be so stubborn 4) I don't clearly understanding the sacrality of enlightenment. To me enlightenment is something "cool" (almost like a simple achievement) and I still don't appreciate what it actually means to become enlightened. I will reflect on that and watch some documentaries on youtube 5) I don't fully appreciate the gift I have. I now have a much increased presence in the reality, almost 0 monkey mind, heightened perceptions and a state of depersonalization/detachment. This allows me to feel reality in a way that wasn't possible before. Instead of feeling reality with this new state and feeling compassion, appreciation and love for this, I keep my fixation on reaching the result. I will ground myself more into being and try to appreciate existence through looking at it with new eyes 6) Purpose of enlightenment is not the doing, but the being. As I said in the point 2, I am trying to grasp enlightenment principally with mind based methods. The feature of enlightenment is being grounded in being. Being means less doing and more presence. This means I have to cease doing all this brute force self-inquiry and enjoy existence 7) This is a test. It's not a case that I got stuck. This must happen. I got stuck for the purpose of self-reflecting and to understand what I am doing and what's enlightenment about (writing this topic too).

I wanted to understand, what's happening to me first (am I awakening or not? What's all that) and, if I am really awakening (I think so), how to "move on". I will write my takes on the matter in a couple minutes.

I am not suggesting anything. Just wanted more clarification about your words Thank you for your advice.

Hi! Sadly I don't get your point. What is your take on the matter and what are you suggesting to do exactly?

@Visionary Thank you again for your insights. Much appreciated With "imagination" I mean there is no material solid reality, but a perception of it. If you jump in front of the train, you will die. But your death is imaginary, exactly as you and the train. With dissociation I mean that I feel myself detached from my identity and generally from the rest (I don't know if dissociation or disidentification is the best word here). I will reasearch more about grounding. Thank you again

@Visionary I still don't get what you mean by "awakening the body" and with "grounding" but I will reasearch that. I am still confused about your assumptions about the nature of self-enquiry. You wrote: "Most folk here use it as a way to form new conclusions by dissecting reality. Self-enquiry is not about reaching conclusions at all." Leo told that self-inquiry is about finding your true self and disidentifying yourself with the idea you are a body/inside a body and that there is a solid material external reality and to understand, this is all imagination. What's self-inquiry about then?

I understood through direct experience what being is. Still, I cannot understand your words fully. Is it so that I am attaching myself too much on the outcome, I am saying it a bit materialistically and I should let go of techniques and labels and just bbe? If yes, how can I "let it go"? And what should I search for, if I am not doing self inquiry, but just be?

Thank you @Visionary for your reply and for your tips. I want to state, that I am not trying to do intentionally insight hunting, but to reach enlightenment. I don't know what's happening to me. One day I just woke up and I found myself being despersonalized just like that. I quoted everything I felt/I am feeling to give you a proper picture of what's happening to me, not to boast myself or such. I want to explain what's I noticed about my mindset too: I am trying to understand through constant brute force meditation/self inquiry what's happening and I am trying to search for that single thing that will "unlock" it. Still, even if I understood what I am and what's all about, I cannot "unlock" it. I get thrown there and here some nondual insights, but nothing more happens. My depersonalization is still in force. What do you mean "grounding myself"? What do you mean by "You cannot be the insight without doing body work. Body work is absolutely crucial. Don't be a slave to your mental insights/intellect or what you're able to achieve during meditations. This will all become very silly once you understand what it's truly about. The state of non-attachment can only come through involvement. Not through dissecting. Thats dissociation."?

@Leo Gura @Nahm Can you please help me somehow and give me your personal opinions on the matter? I would really appreciate it. Thank you

I don't get it, sorry @DreamScape? Can you please elaborate more? I still don't know what's happening