Lindsay

Did you finish reading lol I'm not certain anymore.

I'm not integrated in yellow at all. I think my world views are green, but spiritually orange. I grew up Baptist Christian and lost faith in high school after learning more about world history and science. Leo's God videos kinda go over my head. I understand his words but not his experience. Lately I been wondering about life after death. The atheist in me thinks nothing happens, lights out for eternity. I push those scary beliefs out of my thoughts. I have some aging and sick relatives that I'm not ready to lose and I'm having a hard time accepting their impending nothingness. I'm not healthy either and I wonder about my death and I'm afraid to leave my young autistic son alone in this world. I respect Carl Jung's work on consciousness and psychology. I never heard of him until Jordan Peterson went viral. I had hope when Jung said he doesn't need to believe in God, he knows. I respect that confidence in knowing. I watched an interview with Ken Wilbur. and I was really impressed with his overall theory of self. The quadrants are hard for me to grasp but it was an interesting interview. And the YouTube algorithm recommended the inner world outer world documentary which really blew me out of the water. It was so visually convincing and beautiful. Well put together. And it stirred a lot of emotions and thoughts in me. I rejected my Christian faith because I believed it was man made to control the masses and is utter bullshit. My church used to pray for George Bush and the youth leaders had rigid attitudes about abortion and same sex marriage. I just had contempt for them. I am realizing that the ancient principals from the Bible and other religions are useful stories, motifs, or patterns to be interpreted and applied symbolically. And now I'm curious about universal consciousness. Source. Any recommendations would be appreciated.

https://youtu.be/4AWLcxTGZPA

@Tyler Robinson that’s a possibility. I’m not into church. I did the church thing when I was in middle school. I didn’t like how dogmatic it was. But Im in my 30s now so maybe I can tolerate it now. I do need the emotional and financial support. I. Afraid about child support cuz I don’t want to sour the friendship or cause any more friction.

@integral ? thank you. Solid/inspiring advice. Positive vibes have been absorbed.

@Tyler Robinson reading that made me cry ?. Thank you. I have hope. @Tyler Robinson yeah he’s white and some Japanese. He’s been working for ups since he was 16 and is now 40.

@Tyler Robinson yeah he’s white and some Japanese. He’s been working for ups since he was 16 and is now 40.

I had a one night stand with someone from Craigslist in 2015. I kept seeing him. I’m from inner city Chicago, white minority, obese, shy, and experienced childhood neglect, and domestic violence trauma, crack addicted parents, much love from mother who died young when I was only 12. I also believe I’m either bipolar or have borderline personality disorder. I kept seeing dude cuz he was from the suburbs and I thought he was dorky enough where I won’t feel inferior to him. He wasn’t into me for long term. I was only good enough for sex. I lied about birth control and got pregnant. I almost wanted to have nothing to do with him and prepared to be a single mom until I was 8 months pregnant and he got evicted and needed to move and called me out of desperation or convenience. At least that’s how I saw his intentions. We moved into a condo together near his mother, far away from my family and friends. Everything was fine I was living my new family until I let my insecurities run my mind and looked through his phone. Yes, he was still sexting women on dating apps. I was devestated that he was even doing it on the dates while he was in the hospital with me during my C-section. Our son is adhd with autistic traits and his speech delay used to bother me. I felt isolated and resentful and overwhelmed like I was the only one who care about our son. This guy was sober straight edge with not a whole lot of baggage. He may have asburgers. He’s very aloof and hands off. He is the avoidant type and very stubborn. I was getting drunk every night and smoking weed when my son was in bed for the night. I drunkenly would try to break his things and he gave me a black eye. But I provoked it in the first place. I was bullying him verbally and abusing his property. He never hit me again. We stayed together for 4 years until I decided I had enough and moved back to by old neighborhood in Chicago. It’s been two years and we are friends and co-parent our son. He gets him on the weekend and I get him Monday - Friday, I work the weekends. I miss him now. I’m falling in love with him again. Why? He doesn’t even like me in that way and he avoids me when I get too mushy around him. My family reminds me of his emotional aloofness and lack of understanding. They also remind me that he is cheap and never wants to spend money on his son or me. He was very selfish with money where as I was always giving but then resentful that he was so stingy. Idk what to do. I’m not interested in anyone but the father of my son. Any advice?

Ever since you introduced me to spiral dynamics in 2018 I been hooked and unable to recover from the obsession. Totally reshaped the way I think in a positive way. I’m curious if how you heard about it.

Biden having us leave Afghanistan the way we did made us look like we abandoned our Afghan allies. In another video Winston and C-milk pointed out that China will use that to their advantage when they try to reclaim Taiwan. We also did nothing to help Hong Kong. I agree that we probably won’t have a direct war. I just worry. I wonder if the people in China actually believe the things in state media. Even though I hate Fox News I’m thankful they covered Biden’s leaked phone call to the Afghan president. No other news outlet covered it. I like Chris Wallace, Neal Cavuto, Harris Falcner, and sometimes Tucker Carlson. I wish Fox would scrap Laura Ingram, Sean Hannity, Jesse Waters, and Greg Gutfeld ?. But at least we have multiple perspectives and not just state media. I wish the news channels would pay closer attention to China. It bothers me that YouTube has been censoring online opinions through demonetization. Money controls the narrative and that’s the American way. Would be nice if after a certain point of wealth that the business would be turned into a co-op (Richard Wolff). if we did go to war with China, I guess it would be a passive aggressive war.

Chinese propaganda blames the USA for covid. This blogger lived in China for 9 years and married a Chinese woman. Cool channel. Adv China on YouTube.

@TheSource It wasn’t my question, but it was a better question than what I originally asked. I did lose my mind. But I was feeling so much bliss and euphoria. But that could also be just mania. Now I doubt I had an awakening. I never felt like I was god. I did feel deeply interconnected to everyone and everything. Thank you for responding. @Seraphim lol thank you for confirming that I was indeed psychotic. @Nahm

@Thought Art I like the “developing a high level of clarity, balance, and integrity” as a goal. I agree with you about discipline and self love. Those are my weakest qualities. thank you for responding.

I viewed many videos on consciousness. But how can anyone tell if they’ve awakened? I had an episode of what I thought was an “ah ha” moment, but actually I was sent to a psych ward for 2 weeks for bipolar psychosis back in March. Everything felt connected. Literally everything I perceived was connected to my inner train of thinking. I can’t really explain it. But at the time I thought I had an awakening. My family thought I was acting out of character and took me to the hospital. It took a week of meds in the ward to go back to my original way of thinking. Was it just information overload?

Gaps in memory. I had a woke ass 8th grade teacher and he made the school year special and I miss him. Leo ♌️ reminded me of the teacher I once trusted. Abandonment sucks. But we are all in the hall of mirrors or In The realm of hungry ghosts.