SamueLSD

Out of all of my high dose trips, I have not once felt overwhelming fear. I've suffered during trips, sure, but I've never been actually terrified until 5MeO. I found it difficult to breath at the start which is probably what set me off - I became instantly worried that something was wrong which led to my breathing being fast and not in rhythm. I'm trying my best to articulate what happened - but I don't really know. I was just genuinely scared. The mind seemed to have this grip on me - creating a maze of troubling thoughts , veiling the infinite beauty that I just had a glimpse of. I don't think I was resisting anything , or even scared of dying, I was just so shocked at the intensity of the experience I guess. Letting go was harder than I thought. Can anyone relate, or is anyone able to give advice for the next time I smoke it?

Reminds me of a quote from Rupert Spira. "God needs our mind to know the world." Formlessness ( infinite potential ) collapses into perceived form ( the finite mind ) in order to know 'things' in a subject - object relationship. Basically saying; the 'door' is nothing until the mind knows it as a something. ( Keeping in mind what 'nothing' means in this context.)

That is an awesome question.

True. I guess the experience has also shown me how I'm kinda letting my ego get out of control with unconscious habits and desires, and I'm experiencing all that discomfort and fear that it leads to condensed into a short yet insanely powerful trip.

@acidgoofy I was laughing after it happened. I looked back at how spooked I was and just thought.. holy shit I was NOT expecting that. I felt fine afterwards, not traumatized or anything. I wasn't planning on tripping hard, my friend had the first hit and while he was laying down I thought I'd finish off what he left in the pipe so nothing was wasted, and it turned out to be a full-blown trip. I was so keen to die until I actually felt like I was dying. As for how much I'm smoking, I don't really know. I don't have a scale so I'm just smoking small-ish amounts building myself up. I've been told that if I smoke more, there is less chance of panic. But I'm also scared of doing that because if I don't go all the way I could really end up scaring myself away from such profound potential.

I wasn't consciously resisting anything. The egos job is literally to resist death though, lol. Maybe I needed a higher dose

For me personally, there is literally no difference between recreational use of psychedelics and serious / spiritual use.

Consciousness 'demonstrating' its infinite potential in the form of love. It proved to me that I had no clue what consciousness or the universe really was. All knowledge I had and once thought to be profound and valuable became redundant ( although, that objective / relative knowledge is what lead me to find the path ). I realised how the mind that is this human experience is extremely 'closed off' to the infinitely vast spectrum of feeling that consciousness is. Whenever I feel down in life - I remember that experience. I remember the joy that I am capable of feeling and how it vastly outweighs any sadness I could ever experience.

It is supposedly all perfect, but doesn't feel as such?

Self-burn. Those are rare.

@Striving for more Well, I was in it for the love... I agree

Thank you all very much for replying and giving advice and love. You have all shown more understanding and compassion than she ever did - this is really helping me get shit off my chest as well as learn about why I am feeling the way that I am.

True. Although the grief I am experiencing is almost unbearable. @Preety_India Wow, awesome reply. I seriously appreciate how in depth that was. You are right with all your points, and your situation sounds very similar to mine. I understand what you mean by 'foolish empath', but at the same time I was only 15 when I was exposed to all of this. I had no clue, no point of reference. All I knew was to love. I was so vulnerable and confused. I couldn't have possibly 'gone meta' and seen all the red flags like I can now and just left, as she was all I ever knew. I learnt to love, trust, and bond with someone who didn't exist. Someone whose personality would change instantly as her environment did. I was fucking helpless. I had boundaries, I reinforced them for years. But it is common for people with BPD to systematically stretch the boundaries and literally manipulate you into thinking you are the one in the wrong and being 'crazy' for having those boundaries. You don't just lower you boundaries with these people, they trick you into doing so. As for how you said "This condition is a primer to attract such relationships", I have only realised now ( as I am reading through the replies ) another aspect that lead me to attract her. My best friend at the time was a bi-polar narcissist. He lied to me constantly , embarrassed me, and even tried to steal my girlfriend from me while we were getting to know each other. But I put up with it ( for a while ). This lead to a general distrust with friends, and I felt like my girlfriend was the only one I could really trust - that she was genuine and I needed no one else. ( Recipe for a fucking disaster ). He also used to say she messaged him flirty things but would never show evidence. He was obviously jealous and I already knew he was a liar - but she had a similar condition, and would lie sometimes too. I had no choice but to trust her, even if I really didn't, and I cut my friend off completely. As time went on, 2 more of my friends confessed their love to her - leading to me basically cutting most of my closest friends off, and reinforcing the notion that she was all I needed - and the only one I could trust. Like taking out your life savings and placing it on volatile shares. On top of all of this - my entire phone, social media, emails, EVERYTHING got ' hacked '. I would find messages sent to people that I knew I never sent, usually flirting with girls - photos of porn saved on my camera roll, posts that I never made - writing in the notes on my phone that I never wrote. I felt as if my life was hacked. This destroyed a part of the relationship. She just thought I was cheating and being unfaithful, but eventually realised that those things would happen on my phone even when I wasn't on it. Someone was desperately trying to destroy my life and relationship and I didn't know who. It was probably her - she was the only person who had access to my accounts and phone. BPD people are known to do fucked up manipulative shit like this. But I could never prove it - and she would tell me with sincere eyes she would never do that to me, or get really angry and say I have trust issues, and to stop accusing her all the time. To this day, I still don't know who did it. It went on for a long time, and god it was some severe stalking. Eventually I had to get a new phone , delete all social media, and start again. But by then my social life was ruined - people thought I was a creep going around and commenting on girls posts, messaging them weird shit, etc. Even when I changed ALL my passwords to really complex ones, and changed every aspect of technology I had - it would still sometimes happen. She would happen to look through my phone 5 minutes after 'I' liked a post of a girl ( thinking about this, it was probably her doing it for whatever fucked up reason ), and cause a huge argument, leading to me apologising heaps and trying to make it up to her. I think she liked this. All this was slowly ruining my mind - yet I pushed on. I mediated every day. Took psychedelics strictly for development. Tried to explore and be in nature as much as I could. Things improved for me for a while, but it was the calm before the storm. Fuck. I am seeing this all so clearly now. I fell right into the worst relationship I could have possibly fallen into at the age of 15, it was a catastrophe waiting to happen. It all makes sense. Why I feel lonely now she's gone, why I depended on her, why I was SO SHOCKED at how quickly her attitude and love toward me changed within the last 2 months, leading to her discarding me as if she never even knew me. It was my worst nightmare that things wouldn't work out as I had sacrificed EVERYTHING for her - my own mental health, my friends, time with my family, school, countless nights consoling her trauma at like 4am when I really should've been studying ( I dropped out of school when things were 'going good' with us ), only for her to ... forget? People with BPD have a horrible sense of object permanence. Her idea of me literally changes if she is away for a couple days. It was so easy for her to leave, while I was crying on the phone begging for some fucking closure. I try to be optimistic, but I feel horrible. The pain is so deep. I wake up and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even feel like working out anymore. I sit there and think - what the fuck am I doing? What now? Wake up, do basic shit like eat and shower, then my motivation seems to disappear. Play video games? Yeah why not. They make me feel fucking empty but what else can I do. My mind is scrambled, the brain fog is severe. I felt so centred not that long ago. Getting fit, getting good with spiritual practices, friends, girlfriend. Like I was really actualizing. Now I can barely get myself out of bed. Sorry that lead somewhat into a rant, I need to let things out somehow haha. @Raze Good book suggestions - and yeah, I should probably see a therapist. It's difficult for me to bring myself to do that though. I would definitely say I suffer from being a 'fixer'.

I know, I remember you told me to when I first posted about it. I said I'm gonna give it one last try, then you said; good, then you'll know for sure. Well now I know for sure. I vow to stay apart, believe me. She was my first girlfriend, I was only 15 when we started dating. 18 now, everything is so much clearer. I'm naturally pretty empathetic and caring, and holy shit I was so in love with her, plus it was my first love so which explains the attachment, why the abuse lasted so long and felt so painful. The onset of the toxic behaviour was pretty slow, which is basically by the book for people with BPD. Lovebomb and lure you in, then their true colours show once you are already attached. Sadly I absorbed everything during the 3 years, like an emotional sponge. I know I helped her so much, she was in a rut before I came along and gave her all my love. Shame is, she could've probably used just about anyone as her 'source'. She wasn't grateful for the emotional torture I endured for her, and as soon as she felt ok, and became popular with a new group of friends, she left me without any remorse. After reinforcing the idea that we were made for each other and she could never leave me. She still had the nerve to say "I still love you, I just need to work on myself." Total BS. Amen. I kinda feel sorry for 15 year-old me, not knowing what the fuck is going on, thinking it's normal, that there is something wrong with me. Never letting this shit happen again. BPD relationships at the pinnacle of toxic relationships. @Gili Trawangan Thanks for the advice. I'm pretty sure my ex developed NPD by the end, I can't be too sure. She was definitely a narcissist. Admittedly, she had ( I am not kidding ) on of the most beautiful faces I had ever seen, but the fact she knew that, alongside with her untrained BPD mind, made her ugly on the inside. Being chased by boys and called stunning was probably the only source of happiness she knew once.

Sorry to hear that, my ex was the same. They are simply toxic, they could be the death of you if you stay around long enough

We were both ( romantically ) lonely that's for sure, and lacked self respect so looking after the relationship felt even more important than looking after ourselves. Infact, I could not distinguish between looking after myself vs looking after the her / the relationship..

Sounds about right, it's hard to keep things in context when you're looking back on the relationship. The grass is never really greener

Exactly in the ways you listed. The mind just makes it difficult.

@Moksha

Your level of consciousness will go up and down, like a stock market graph, lol. Just be patient, and don't start believing that how you feel is out of your control.

Such is survival. Suffering is inherent. Animals 'complain' / resist reality too, in their own ways. You should see how my husky howls and scratches at the door at night when I leave her outside, lol. Exactly like a child. Many animals experience grief after the death of an offspring. It is short lived compared to us humans, but it is still there. I think you're forgetting how primitive the mind of animals is.

An abused dog certainly has no choice to be anxious and depressed. And how can you say they live in the present moment? They experience time similar to us, anticipate events, get anxious over certain things, can be traumatised etc. Furthermore, how would you know? Have you experienced the mind of a dog? Can you even be sure they have no thoughts at all? Are all thoughts we experience in the form of language / internal monologue? No. Animals certainly have imagination, there is some evidence that dogs do indeed dream. So maybe they do 'think', just not as we know it. In fact, I'd say they almost certainly do. It would be correct to say " they are more present ", as they don't have tangled webs of belief and egoic thought like us. Animals aren't so different from us - in fact - humans are animals. I think you misunderstood my point.

Yep. 'Subject' implies there is an object ( duality ). There is neither, they are just thoughts.

Sure they are. Maybe not by default, but nor are humans. We are all untainted being prior to our indoctrination.

Where do you draw the line between the subject and the object? Seriously, contemplate this. What is an object, if not a conceptual perception within the subject? Nothing.