Osaid

I have also felt lost or confused. Like I am stuck in some state of limbo where everything is the same, and no "real" passion to pursue. I was constantly obsessing over this idea of finding a god-given "life purpose" or talent to pursue, and I was running all these different ideas through this litmus test of whether I enjoyed or liked it. If I thought graphic design was an interesting endeavour, and it felt boring or didn't click for me, I would just say "oh this isn't my purpose". I had a chat with my brother about this, and he told me that you don't find a passion, you create it. Think about all the things you are currently passionate about. Were you aware of them as your passion since birth? As a kid were you like, "I want to pursue this exact thing". No, a lot of your passions only became your passion when you became really good at them and worked hard at them. You weren't always good at them, and it is possible to have a passion you didn't like at some points in time. Some things you are naturally very good at, and so it is very easy to become passionate about them, some are harder to get good at, and so developing passion there is harder. I'm even just talking about things like being passionate about video games, people get very passionate about certain video games, and yes that is a proper example of passion. Being passionate about a video game is a very specific passion, it's not something you would say is a god-given passion since birth or whatever, but it is indeed a passion. This shows you that passions are created by your interests and skills, and whether you decide to pursue them or not. I'm rambling a bit here, but realizing this has made me slightly less lost. Now I see certain endeavors like creating music or writing books or creating graphic designs as opportunities for creating passion.

So, instead of everything being predetermined, everything is determined right now. Kind of empowering. I like it.

Lol you will develop fetishes or do "nasty" things if you are horny enough. I mean look at anal. I would even argue the normal sexual activities are gross to a certain degree, but sex isn't really about being "clean".

Pretty much the same result after my first 30 days. No urination problems but my prostate was clearly under pressure. No fap needs to be done carefully and seriously, not forced though.

You have the coolest pictures ever There is something satisfying about using something more accurate than words, AKA pictures and visuals, to showcase your ideas and personality. You're basically finding a way to tangibly plant an aspect of yourself into some other form of creation, like what you see visually.

How much were you edging during this. Was it pretty moderate? I would expect such a long period to fix things, seems like it kind of did for a bit. Interesting, so that's some progression. Maybe

Do you ever get wet dreams while abstaining? They become more common when you abstain. Do you feel ill after those? You might benefit from some sort of spiritual sex practice. Shunning or demonizing sexuality will prevent you from feeling good after doing it, you can at least minimize the projection and negativity that comes after. Something I also noticed is that certain methods of masturbation leave much more sexual energy behind. For example, If I masturbate without touching my penis or if I have a wet dream, I still have much more sexual desire left over. And also, depending on how long you abstain, your sexual energy wont go back to 0 after doing it once. You still maintain the effects from abstaining even after doing it once. This is just my experience of course, seems like yours might be different. It might also help to question your motivations, if masturbating diminishes it. Ask yourself why it matters so much if you masturbate or not in regards to your motivations. It might help to have some other activity or project or motivation to tend to after you're done masturbating. Showers are really good at cleaning out the thought patterns and belief systems you've accumulated throughout the day, it's similar to meditation in that sense, actually it kind of forces you into meditation because the constant stimuli of water hitting you pulls you into the present moment. Ah ok, so there were still physical symptoms. I would still consider that sex by my definition but maybe the lack of intimacy does play a factor. Sure. The question is how big of a part is your physical chemistry playing in this though. POIS is recorded clinically, after all.

@AtheisticNonduality Beat me to it. I basically never listen to piano by itself, but when I do, it's Clair de Lune.

There isn't much conclusive proof as to what the problem is, which is the case with most sexual problems, cause unfortunately things related to sexual health are not studied that much. The theories say it could be auto-immune related, allergy-related, or related to chemical imbalances in the brain. There are also theories to potential solutions as well though. I think you've had real sex before judging from your previous posts, did that feel different? If I remember correctly there was a study showing some difference in real sex, like it is more sexually satiating because more prolactin is released or something. It might have a different result, who knows, sexuality is weird like that. Apparently. Even if we discount any projected guilt or shame or lethargy, POIS is a well-documented clinical condition. How big of a motivator is your sex life to you? Imagine if you woke up one day and you got on to play your favorite video game, but then you realize you are completely disinterested in it and don't enjoy it at all anymore. That might be depressing. I feel like the same thing might be happening with masturbation, cause once you're done masturbating you basically lose all sexual interest for a bit. Not to mention, dopamine receptors are involved, Idk, this is just my crackpot theory. If you've ever edged for a bit or gotten really horny, it does start to feel like a fever. It seems that being horny gets your body temperature so high that it basically creates a fever, which is interesting, and potentially useful for preventing sickness. This is just what I noticed and personally believe in.

I feel relaxed and refreshed, like I just stepped out of the shower. The feeling of post-nut clarity is quite peaceful for me, it's like all my primitive sexual desires have been released and I can finally think clearly again. This might actually be the case for you. POIS is a thing, after all. I was curious how normal it was to not feel bad after masturbation though, compared to people who do feel bad or drained. Like, is it actually less normal to feel fine after masturbating? Seems like majority has voted "relaxed" so far though.

You ever take antidepressants like SSRI's? Do you feel anything when listening to music?

I think Leo said in his stage Yellow or Turquoise video that reality might seem more like a "video game" or "cardboard cut-out", and I think I notice that as well. I don't know if I like or hate it, it just feels weird. Back when I didn't discover spirituality things felt much more "real", because I was imagining and believing in so many different stories when I would perceive everything, but now I'm very aware that I'm imagining those things. I'm not sure how to make reality seem so "real" again. It doesn't feel as alive anymore, I guess. I get that there is nothing wrong with imagining stories, but it's become a habit to not imagine as much, I think.

You do lose sexual desires for a bit after masturbating, AKA post nut clarity, but that doesn't really affect energy levels for me. For me the only difference before vs after masturbation is literally just sexual desire, that's basically it. I don't need to be horny to have energy. There is something called POIS. I have a theory that people who feel tired or whatever after doing it might have a mild version of this condition. We don't really know how it works, a lot of sexuality is not studied very well. I used to think all of it was just projection until I heard about this condition. I'm honestly curious how many people here actually experience a loss of energy from masturbating, like how normal is it. Would be an interesting poll. Even if that is true, guilt is still not justified. Guilt is just silly ego activity. Why does it matter if the previous sperm cells are gone? I feel like I'm watching someone guilt-trip themselves because of some religious belief.

We've fallen into his trap, he baited us like moths to a lamp. RIP my account

Spongebob is obviously the best cartoon ever created

What made me feel really loved was when my parents took care of me while I was sick. I wasn't always nice to my parents. Sometimes I would disagree with them or get angry with them. The fact that they would be there to care for me while I was sick in bed and could barely move meant a lot to me, cause it shows that they still care for me when I'm vulnerable, despite what disagreements we had before. It makes me wish that I wasn't so harsh with them before. I also felt loved when I would get lunches for school. It might be a small thing, but they did have to wake up early and plan an entire meal for me, and that takes work, so I really appreciated that. I think it is a pretty selfless thing to do, making an entire lunch just for one person. Seeing the care and attention in the food felt very cute and loving to me. I think my parents were also struggling with a lot of things during that time, so seeing them make lunches and stuff in spite of that felt very loving. And also, just food in general. Coming back home and having all these elaborate dishes prepared, no effort from me, but my parents would be spending all that time in the kitchen making it. It's like, here is all this food, you don't have to do anything, just enjoy it. That felt very loving.

I also noticed this, but no direct effect on energy levels, just on libido. It can feel "dead" down there in terms of libido when you abstain for so long and then decide to do it again. I guess I can see why you would call that a hangover. Interesting, I wouldn't say I feel tired or sleepy after masturbating, more like relaxed or refreshed, kind of like stepping out of a shower. I have experienced post-meal sleepiness after eating certain foods and I wouldn't say it is comparable to how I feel after masturbation. I don't experience any sort of lethargy as you mentioned before, just a rise in sexual satiation.

Are you implying I've gotten so used to a hangover state that I don't notice it anymore?

You will be the most confident without a self. No self image to worry about, just being. It is not delusional to not be fearful about a self image, it's actually the opposite of delusion.

When I was super young, like basically a baby, I had a "dream" where I was being thrown around by these black shadow looking orb things. I actually didn't realize it was a dream until I got thrown into the bed and jerked "awake", otherwise it felt completely 100% real. Maybe it was some sort of sleep paralysis, that would explain how it felt so real. I also had an experience when I was a baby where I straight up saw a blue spirit thing, while I was completely awake. It seems that these weird almost psychedelic experiences commonly happen when young. The stereotype of kids seeing ghosts and stuff might not be too far off. There is also some science to back this up phenomenon if I remember correctly. I don't think I'll definitively ever figure out what any of that actually was though.

Simply put, whatever you perceive is what exists. Some people, for the sake of conversation, might make distinctions like "you're imagining that, it actually doesn't exist", which is totally fine, but ultimately the imagination of that thing is also something that exists. You can perceive something, and then imagine it to be something other than what you are perceiving, this is possible. The problem is when you believe in your imagination to the point where it becomes indistinguishable from your direct experience aside from imagination. If someone believes in Santa Claus, what exists is their imagination of Santa Claus being real. But for them, that imagination is indistinguishable from a "real" Santa Claus. It's like someone seeing a mirage in the desert.

I don't experience any "hangover" effect after masturbating. Sounds very similar to POIS, though. Prolactin just makes you sexually disinterested for a bit, and then it recalibrates itself over time, assuming you're functioning normally. I actually suspect it probably plays a big role in sexual dysfunctions so it might be relevant here.

Was this always the case? Sounds like POIS

Develop proper epistemology. Like, a set of criteria that you can put other people's ideas against. First figure out what you 100% know to be true and certain, and then figure out how and why you know it is true. Then apply those characteristics to what other people claim to be true. Relying on someone else's advice is not necessarily a bad thing depending on how far you take it. It's not always bad to use other people's advice.

I have a habit of being non-confrontational irl, and tbh the times where I am consciously abrasive towards other people feels much more loving than the latter. It's like you're finally giving yourself the love and respect you deserve, whereas you were invalidating yourself previously by not doing so. Putting other people's emotions over your own is dehumanizing.