The_Rig

@Extreme Z7 okay

i don't know what it is, but for some reason, it wants to happen more when i practice meditation. i feel vulnerable to Making massive, embarrassing choices. saying and doing regrettable things. i can't identify it, but i know it's there.

I've been doing it since the start of January. 20 minutes almost every single day. I moved it up to 30. what I've noticed seems to be this: i feel more empathetic and understanding, i can recall memories more vividly, and yesterday i felt so blissful and happy. i never felt like that in years. Could be my imagination, could be the placebo effect, All those buzzwords. But whatever is happening to me i am 110% staying with my habit if it means I'll reap more.

Bad idea?

do i have to worry about my gains shrinking as soon as i stop eating big? my goal is to bulk up, then trim down. after that i just want go to the gym for maintenance. and eat normal mostly.

im very aware that i will die, and contemplation of death is supposed to be an effective tool to wake you up and take life seriously. but i never felt like it no matter how many times i remind myself of death, all i feel is concern for my self preservation. and not much else.

so far while i meditate I've been breathing in "1" then breathe out "2". i do it so much that i no longer count with my mouth. i just notice it happen. back and forth, back and forth until my time is up. i understand meditation is about just being. but does having just concentration on noticing my breathing the whole time hurt my meditation?

I didn't have the best childhood in the world, it still fucks with me to this day. but I have to remind myself that I'm not a kid anymore. i've done my best to better myself despite my strong beliefs in my hopeless outlook on life. Exercise, diet, family, friends, being a better person. a good person is what i want to be. i got so much bothering me it feels like i got 2 lives. but that persistence to better myself never dies. and as i'm still gaining and discovering what i seem to like i never ever feel like i've gotten anywhere despite people admiring what I've been doing with my life. i feel the exact same way as i was, I feel like I haven't learned anything. i feel hopeless, i feel bad often, and i wonder how many people share that feeling.