deso

Hey, I‘m stuck pretty bad. Nothing interests me anymore. I feel that I want to do something, but no matter what I do I feel like shit. I did a lot of spiritual work over the past couple of years. Two years ago I had a little awakening that turned things upside down a bit. Everything became empty and meaningless ever since then. All the interests that I had just dropped away in the blink of an eye. I had to go vegan, stay away from sugar and alcohol, because my body rejects it ever since then (like literally). Plainly, it changed a bunch of things and I sense the tricks and flicks of the ego all the time. It feels like I‘ve seen through the illusion, but am still operating from there even though I know it‘s bs. My problem is, I feel deeply depressed, I don‘t enjoy anything anymore and life feels like a burden. Even writing this is draining me. I need to work through this now, because otherwise this will take me out. I can‘t bear this shit any longer. Thank you for reading, I badly need advice.

Yeah, I feel like breathing does a lot. A friend recently challenged me to the ‘Wim Hof breathing method’ and cold showers every two days. Let’s see how this goes.

@integral what exactly do you mean? Physical workout? I’ve tried that aswell, I even went swimming twice a week with a friend, but It couldn’t drag me out of this condition.

@Moksha but how do I continue? How do I gain enjoyment in ‘relative reality’ again? Because right now no matter what I do I feel like running on the spot. It’s exhausting as hell. I’m 23, I’d like to build my dream life, but nothing comes to mind. Nothing resonates, nothing gives me even the slightest enjoyment anymore.

For a long time I thought enlightenment would be the only thing that I wanted. Especially since this awakening that I had. Nothing made sense anymore. I foolishly tried to glue together the glass that just got shattered. I failed miserably in bringing life to that which I‘ve seen. I‘ve neglected what my heart was yelling beneath mist of futility. I continued entertaining my head while not making a move towards what felt good/right. I tried to understand shit well off my current stage of development without even getting the fundamentals right. And if some of those fundamentals of life aren’t in order enlightenment simply isn’t possible. I get all that. But I don’t get how to get out of this state that I’m in. Because no matter what I do I feel horrible. I’m not interested in anything anymore. I feel the urge to do something, but nothing excites me, nothing really resonates or gives me the feeling of ‘yeah, I would really like to do that’. I tried out a lot of stuff, but everything is just draining the life out of me even more. Stupid question, but how can I build the life of my dreams if there’s literally no resonance at all?

It’s almost game over for me. Over the course of the last two years I have severely damaged my life. I have decided against what my heart was telling me. Out of self hate I made decisions which led to my own demise. I wasted two really important years of my life by doing stuff that I hated, things that were self destructive, knowingly what I actually wanted to do. Just out of fear, the feeling of unworthiness, and general self hate. I threw away the time to plan out my life, personal development and a lot of life changing opportunities. Additionally I had a circumcision a year ago which fucked up my sex life because the surgeon botched it. I’m 22 now and I was suffering immensely for the vast amount of the past decade, I had to deal with severe bullying and a lot of other crap. I live in self regret because my youth practically was non existent and I missed out on all the ‘good stuff’. I have dealt with OCD, an anxiety disorder, and depression for a long time. I have isolated and exiled myself because social life became unbearable. The worst of all of this is that I’m a really social kind of person. I’m an extrovert, I always have to do something and I’m really squirrely. I’m good looking, charismatic and loved wherever I go, but I restricted myself from going out because couldn’t handle the intensity of pain I was in anymore. Somewhat like two years ago I heavily pursued enlightenment, but it was just a cheap runaway from what was actually missing. I was so unfree that I searched for absolute liberation, but what I actually needed was to break out of the old scheme. Basic self help, building a life purpose and leading a social life was what was needed. Not to say that enlightenment work is not combinable with all this stuff, but it didn’t make things easier necessarily and other stuff was more important at this point of time. Nevertheless I had many awakenings ever since then, which shifted my perspectives on life radically. I have a vast intellectual understanding of all this stuff. But I’m not happy. I didn’t live and I would have rather made contact with spirituality at a later point in life. My parents are going through a really bad divorce right now, I lost loved ones the last two years, my best friend is heavily suicidal, my sex life is fucked up, and I lost out big time on what life actually presented me, had I just not hated myself so much. To picture my life: I actually had it all, but my self hate told me to fuck off “ya not worthy of living a good life”. This destructive behaviour led to a bunch of grueling stuff that I now have to deal with. I knew better all the time, but I didn’t change it. Now my life is damaged beyond repair. I can’t deal with the amount of pain and suffering anymore. It became too much. I’m thinking about ending life every day. Why should I carry on?

You were talking about lucid dreaming. Is there a scale? ?

@seeking_brilliance gimme

I was just playing around.

What? Me comparing the level of holiness in relation of where I want to be? ?

There’s nothing to seek anymore. Even though it hasn’t been ‘found’ yet. It depends on how much effort I had to put into this one, certainly there is a lot of other stuff swarming right now.

That it will never be as I wanted it to be again. There‘s just too much destruction and garbage laying around now.

Better would have looked after him when he needed me the most.

@Nak Khid I think I already mentioned the key ones.

Yeah sure, you also regularly live in the oceans and visit the crusty crab. At least I do. True, had I at one point stopped conceptualising and went to experiencing I wouldn’t sit here today.

Oh boy, there’s already a lot of anger in my life. If this would be true then I would become holier than Christ himself lol.

If anything, then I have learned that all the indicators are also only concepts that I create to get closer to the source of it all. Love yourself to death and there will be no need for anything anymore. Both ways work, but the latter on is inevitable. If this knowledge was worth the payoff idk.

You’re making assumptions about something which is not in your experience. ”Everything is possible” simply isn’t true. Maybe in another world, in another universe, somewhere else in consciousness, but not on this rock.

@dimitri can you or can you not?

@seeking_brilliance you want to systematically work through all of that? It’s a lot. It’s just a matter of if it’s worth going through that pain anymore.

@dimitri can you jump off the roof and fly? @Exystem thanks for your in depth response. The depressing part is that I knew all this two years ago already. I just didn’t do it. Now it’s hunting me, and the additional issues are tearing me apart.

@seeking_brilliance not everybody is made for living on a farm or being a monk. I asked for advice. Because i have no reason to carry on. @Member This is no “ooohhh I feel so miserable, my brother stole my 5$ plastic car from me maaa’am”.

@seeking_brilliance I need a reset, but I also need a purpose and social life, I can’t exile myself even further. I actually know my purpose, but it‘s practically impossible to live it anymore. That‘s why I‘m suffering the most. I denied myself. @JosephKnecht I made mistakes that I knew to be mistakes prior to making them. There was nothing to learn. It’s just like cutting off your hand because of self destructive behaviour, even though you know it is a bad idea. Nothing to gain from that. I really hate the quote “nothing is impossible”. Well, regenerating body parts or turning back time certainly is not possible. This place is fairly limited and no understanding of god will ever enable one to heal that kind of stuff.

When you realise you are me and I am you.

looooool, that puts STP on a whole nother lvl, never realised the true meaning of the lyrics when I was younger