Kay100

It's been 2 days since I posted about this. So on Wednesday was quite good, but yesterday the spiritual storm started again for me. And I was like, can't get up from morning until dinner time..... so the symptom come and go for me, it's still like this.... I can describe what spiritual storm is like for me.... it feels like I'm in a atmosphere of a warzone. the wierd thing is, when this spiritual storm started for me, I hear the loud sound of airplan flying by overhead all the time, plus the wind and rain outside.... omg.... the airplan sound like the war plane..... I mean I'm not sure if here is one the air route for planes, maybe before when life felt normal for me, the air plane pass and I never noticed? anyway, yesterday it just felt like I was in the war zone..... The worst symptom is that, in my head there are all these different people appear in my mind, they seem want to communicate with me, but I never really know them, so can't give any reaction to those people or what their message in my mind were..... and another bad symptom is, when all these disturbing confusing images are troubling my mind, I can't really move much, especially the hands..... so these people appear in my disturbed mind, and when I move my hand I felt like somehow my hand movement can somehow hurt them, so they are in my mind and when I move my hand I feel like something like the movie Edward who had the hand of sissors.... so when he move his hands can easily hurt people..... it was something like that.... I know it's all not real but I don't want to feel like when I move my hand I'm hurting people, so all I can do is control my hand and move really slowly.... basically I wasn't doing much I can't even sit up..... my mind was too disturbed to have a normal day.... I think I totally lost myself, like I can't find where my true self were.... It's funny to describe what's it like when having kind of 'psychotic' episode.... I wonder if other people who had mental issues had similar expirience? right now I can say it's definitely mental issue or if I'm disturbed by this evil entity.... I still think it's the evil entity.... Because this morning..... I woke up and felt peaceful when at home.... no war plane, no wind or rain outside..... so I thought I'm going to have a very normal day today... so then I drove to shops for groceries. I just drove and park and my family go do shopping and I wait in the car. at first I felt good and I didn't had the anxiety of thinking if there's any attention drew upon me again.... but then this island lady walked slowly by, looks like she was checking out if other shops there were open or not..... so she was moving around, and then I started to feel the tension again, it seemed like she felt something from me..... that happened a lot on Tuesday when I went out shopping by myself.... that's the day I wrote this post..... so I'm feeling like it's happening again..... later another dark skin guy walked pass and I think he got some bad vibe from me too..... so it's the same bad vibe that this evil entity that's always been sending out when I'm out about..... from their behavior I interpret that they felt the vibe that I was trying to 'hook' them or something..... and the funny thing is, if I'm in a supermarket, they always know what the next isle I'm going.... so I walk away from them, and to the next isle and they are there.... that's even more convencing like there's evil entity at work here..... it happens every time..... why do they think I was sending out those messages to them and they know where I will be next..... So if I'm hallucinating, it's all in my head, nothing should affect other people at all.... but now it's actually sending out wrong messages to other people..... that's why I'm thinking this is evil entity and not mental issue...... anyway today it's happening again and I was trying to adjust myself, and at first I thought, ok this evil entity is playing up again, I really should think about more ways how to get it away.... actually I have tried all kinds of methods yesterday.... I played the universal mantra continuously throughout the day..... I used salt water, I used coffee, I lighted incense, I put 4 boxes around me to suck the negative energy into the box.... those all didn't work.... so this morning I was thinking, maybe try a different method or something..... But then I thought, I should just try to center myself.... so then I tried to calm down and center myself, just that intention and slow down the breathing helped instantly.... I feel like I'm more back to myself and the negative pull lessened a lot... so I figured out it's not enough to just try ways to get it away, another important thing is to strenghten my inner self, the ability to stay cool and collected.... I think meditate should be a good way to help me increase the peace inside.... So after came home I tried the breating meditation first... but it was not easy like the beginning was good... later suddenly I got disturbed by a thought and can't continue anymore..... then I tried to hold a big black obsidian on my hand, that really helped.... like the tension were mostly gone.... so I figured out that I should hold a black crystal and then meditate, it's a lot easier..... next time I will add high vibration crystal as well, I think using the help of the crystals that has high vibration is a really good aiding tool when meditating...... So today so far I'm a lot better...... so far it's good......

So it's a update... this morning I woke up and had a good sleep, that 'broadcasting' dissapeared... it's like peace and quiet just like how normal life was always like.... well this is one of the problem for me as well, the symptoms come and go.... I think that's one of the typical symptom of mental illness as well, the symptom come and goes.... I think it doesn't matter if it's spiritual or mental, the best thing to know is, the reality is that, first of all most people are mostly nice, and they are not evil like how I felt on a bad day.... so that's great to know.... if I have a bad day again, I will remember what the reality is when things are normal. It also helps a lot when I don't believe the bad thoughts on a bad day, that really helps a lot.... another point to know is, when things are normal, I get a more accurate perspective of myself. When I'm dilussional, I feel like I'm the smartest, most attractive, so everyone hates me.... but now I also need to not believe that.... because when things are normal, I can see myself more accuate.... like I think I'm ok, but like realistically, in the real world there are too many smart people... like, I heard when some people are the top in their high school, and then when they enter a really top university, suddenly they realize they are not the best anymore, too many smart people gathered there..... that's just an obvious situation to show that I guess no one can claim they are best in anyway I guess.....

@Wildcattt555 yeah you are so right! I don't think I mentioned about feeling my thoughts being broadcasted outside in the air everywhere in the post above... but this is really accurate..... the psychiatrist that was helping me 10 yrs ago, he told me the feeling of thoughts being broadcasted is the typical symptom of scrizophrenia. And after I started a medication, on a low dose daily, those symptoms disappeared. I wonder how you came up with this point, I think I didn't mention it above.....

The good thing about realizing that this is all evil entity’s doing is that, before I realized this, I thought are people all so bad, when I become thin no one is nice anymore... now I know it’s not like that... it’s the evil entity that’s at the background...... that’s good to know that normally people are still mostly nice... that’s a relief for me... when I somehow get rid of the evil entities, life will be back to normal again..... Another thing that’s helpful to realize is about myself..... the evil entity is trying to make me believe that somehow I’m really good..... but now I realize that’s just how those evil trying to control me... now I can see how I actually am, I’m not confused by the evil entities anymore... it’s a relief..... now I know I’m not the smartest or prettiest.... funny I could ever believed that.... but it’s truly a relief.....

I hope this post doesn’t get deleted. I’m not high on drug and insane or anything, it’s real although I didn’t want to believe it at first... I know this is mainly self development forum, but maybe I can get some help with the spiritual problem too. I’m not sure if people here believe in evil entities controlling people’s consciousness or not, but it’s actually happening to me and around me..... I really need some help right now... I finally figured out what the problem is... I’m kind of certain that there is one or more evil entities that’s around me... so I recently had weight loss and I started to get problems with being anxious in public. It’s been a while and I have made lots of progress in grounding myself. But recently the problem got worse when in public. I get lots of ‘evil eye’ kind of attention, but it doesn’t really make sense. I know I’m slim now, but I’m by far not good looking. It really doesn’t make sense that I get lots of ‘evil eye’. Now I finally realize, it’s actually the evil entities that are around me that are controlling all that. It’s like, no matter where I go, the evil entities would make people get attention on me, and it’s sending out these false vibes, people think those vibes are from me, but those are actually from those evil entities. But nobody would thought of that there’s any evil entity around so people would think that I’m sending out those vibes. But actually I’m not but it’s not in my control. Ok so there’s reason why the evil entities get around me because I do have the side of me that is over active. Like the masculine energy maybe... but I have already tried a long time to calm myself more, so it’s not that much now. But I know that the evil entity is trying to magnify it. So it’s actually not me... So now I can realize more clearly what the evil entity is doing. So it’s sending out these vibes, make people think I’m more cool or attractive than I really am. And then people think I’m sending out those vibes and then I think the evil entity control people’s mind and everyone start to act defensive or competitive, for no reason, but people don’t realize that..... I know it’s not normal that people behave like that because before the evil entities become active, life was normal for many years. So I know what normal life is over here... it’s so clear that it’s the evil spirits controlling everything..... So recently it’s gotten a lot worse I tried imagine shields when I’m out so that the bad vibes from the evil entities don’t affect people, but it didn’t work much..... I tried all kinds of crystals but didn’t help much..... I feel like it’s controlling my neighborhood and the wierd thing is like people around think like my spirit can reach to other houses but I can’t, but the evil entity can. I have no idea what other houses might thought... but it must be evil entities for sure..... but I really don’t know what it was..... so nobody would thought there’s any evil entity so just think it’s me, but I have no idea..... I don’t know why I keep praying to God, gardian angels, nothing worked..... Hope people in this group can help..... I don’t know why it’s happening.... people in this group might know..... I have tried get help from healers before but didn’t find the right ones..... I think the evil entity must have been making obstacles.... Hope can get real helpful healers in this group to help.... thanks ? Ok I can add too there’s other ways the evil entities work. It happens on and off. Sometimes when I’m watching tv I feel like I can disturb the mind of the people in tv. Like the 2 tv presenters facing the screen, if I look at the screen I feel like my eyes can kind of ‘see through the screen’ and disturb their thoughts…. but actually I’m not able to do that, it’s the evil entity that’s doing it…. but it’s not happening now so it’s good…. but yesterday I think it did and when that happens I can’t watch tv…. but today it’s not happening

I'm still learning the concept of ego. Right now my basic understanding is that ego is the part of us that's like comaring ourselves with others. The ego feels hurt or become defensive when we feel inferior and ego expands when we are in situation that we are better than others in someway. In my life experience so far, most people would feel offended when they are in a position that they are less than others, they would start to resent the person that are better than them... And they are not willing to admit their own shortcomings... the ego just won't be ok with admitting that they are less in anyway.... I think that's just normal, there's nothing unusual about reacting like that, it's very understandable.... But I'm not sure why I feel like I'm a bit different. I obviously do have an ego, but most of the time I feel like I'm more ok with admiting that I'm not good at something, or I'm not as good as others in some aspects. I just feel like ok with it, I don't feel much of the tendacy of getting defensive... while seem like most people would easily start to get defensive.... I'm not sure why I'm not like that..... maybe I'm born with a less competitive personality? So is it mainly a personality difference? Like the type of people who are very ambitious, they have big goals for themselves and want to be the best, maybe those are the type of people who have more ego? If they always want to be the best then obviously it would be very hard for them when they encounter people who are better then them, their ego would not want to admit that they might be less in anyway..... Maybe I'm the type that's mild and easy going and never wanted to be the best, so then my ego is a lot smaller I guess?... Even in some situation that I might be a bit better than others in something, I can feel my ego wants to get me start feeling superior in someway, at those times I would have to consciously refuse my ego.... I just don't like the feeling of thinking that I'm superioir, it's not a good feeling for me and usually if I think I'm superior that would often make other people feel less, and I really don't want that.... it's not nice or kind to hurt other people and feed my ego.... what's the point.... hey but lots of people do like that.... they like to feel superior, and they don't mind about making other people feel small.... Those are the times that I feel like I seem to have less ego..... Maybe it's the less competitive personality or maybe I'm kind of empath and sensitive to other people's feelings..... I'm not sure the reason why I have less ego than others.....

@Gesundheit2 yeah I think you are right about that there could be various reasons for people to be arrogant. But I don’t understand what you mean by “most socially accepted people are arrogant”. Does arrogance make someone more socially acceptable? I thought it should be the opposite? Most people don’t like to have arrogant people around them, so that makes the arrogant people less likely to be socially accepted right?

@something_else you are quite right... I like what you said about balancing between being humble and competent. And you are probably right about the competent and arrogant type as well... I guess it helps to be socially smart and recognize what type of people you are dealing with and handle things accordingly..

@something_else yeah I guess that could be a common reason for someone to be arrogant, when they are actually insecure inside. I remember once heard something like "if someone always try hard to show that he's smart, is it because he actually think that he's really smart, or is it the opposite"? And often it's because they actually don't think they are smart so they are trying hard to show that they are so other people won't find out that they are actually not that smart... if they are confident about themselves they don't have to try hard to prove to others that they are good in a certain aspect..... I remember when watching a previous season of "Bachlorette", there was this one guy in the show who was an "arrogant" Harvard graduate. He definitely show off as arrogant, the way he carries him self shows that..... I think his reason of being in an arrogant way is parcially because maybe he actually think he's better than everyone, maybe that's a part of it.... Later in the show he started to pick on this younger guy. He keep saying things like he's like a 'baby', and he gave him a book named "Emotional Intellegence". I think what he's implying is that this guy is too young and has no emotional intellenge. I'm guessing the reason that he does that might come from insecurity? He's obviously not one of the favorites of the Bechlorette in the show, so he's just trying to pick on someone to show that he's better in someway... That's my guess, can't really know what's going on in someone's mind..... but I think that might be mostly it..... Sometimes I find it interesting to watch reality tv shows, it's kind of entertaining and at the same time it's like a way to kind of observe human behavior and conflicts heh.... not sure if anyone else is interested in reality tv this way too....

@RobertZ that’s an interesting point heh... maybe she’s attracted to me and when I started asking about weird questions on nutrients she realized maybe I might be a different type of person that like to occasionally go into the rabbit hole of detailed nutrient contents... maybe I unintentionally made her thought she’s ‘less’ in some way so she’s annoyed... It’s really difficult lots of times to figure out what other people are actually thinking... like in social situations, you have conversations with people and usually you trying to get cues from their response, if they are keen to talk to you more or if they seem not keen maybe I should try not to keep talking.... it would be bad if you get people trapped in conversations they don’t enjoy because you didn’t pick up the cue that they are not interested... In the past I use to be bad at it and try to make connections with people without realizing they are not interested.... you meet all kinds of people in social situations and when I come home sometimes I like to think back and wanted to know, what could be the reason that this person seemed to didn’t like something about me.... cause people will not say out loud what’s their impression of you and why they don’t like you..... it’s all up to my intuition I guess, to try to figure out what others were thinking.....

@RobertZ I’m not sure how people know if someone is intelligent or not, seem like they can somehow sense it easily... like a simple example... I went to this sports supplement shop to get some supplement for my son. I don’t know much about nutrition and supplements, I often listen to nutrition related podcasts and learn a bit at a time... I heard a lot of talk about how good supplementing collagen is, so I googled a bit about how to choose collagen supplements, and some website was explaining that there were 5 different types of collagen, which I haven’t heard from any podcasts before. so I was asking this female sales person in this shop about what collagen supplements do they have, and then I asked which type of collagen do those supplements include. She wasn’t sure about it, I guess she didn’t know about the different types. Anyway I didn’t thought much about it, and I wasn’t getting collagen supplements that day anyway. But somehow I felt like her attitude towards me went a bit cold after that. I didn’t know why that was, it’s hard to know what other people’s thinking etc... for me a lot of times I might realize the answer at a later time..... and I think when I was asking about the different types of collagen she kind of felt like maybe I’m the type that might read a lot etc... somehow she might felt a bit inferior at that moment, that’s why the change of attitude..... this case is not even a problem with arrogance... I never thought about if I was more intelligent or not, I was just asking about something I saw on google... but somehow she felt inferior from it... do you think people will not like you if they think you are better than them in someway.... it doesn’t matter if you are showing arrogance towards others or not, even if you are genuinely humble and trying to be nice, but if others think you have more than them in some area, they will not like you because you make them feeling less. even you are not showing any ‘insulting attitude’, the fact that you do have more, already make them upset. They will not like you no matter how nice you try to be.

@RobertZ ok so you are currently not a academia, how come all so many references? Picking out all the references from literatures is hard work? I would imagine it would be hard for me... how were you able to do it? ? you mean it’s kind of random and all depends on different individual? Some intelligent people are humble but some are not, is that what you mean? I understand humble/arrogance is not correlated with intelligence, what I mean is, when someone has high intelligence, this could be a reason for them to think that they can be arrogant right? Like if I’m just average in every area, there’s no reason for me to think that I’m better than others. But when someone is actually highly intelligent, now there’s a reason that they might think that they are better than others. Although some might choose not to define their value as a human in just the level of intelligence, but they choose to think all human are equal no matter what level of intelligence they have. I don’t understand some comments above saying ‘rich people can be arrogant and poor people can be arrogant’. Do poor people have any area that’s above average that might give them a reason to be arrogant? If not how can the poor be arrogant? I don’t get it... I think it’s a virtue to choose to think that you are the same with others even there’s some area that you are clearly above average. That’s not easy to do and I think people who are like that are rare...

@RobertZ It was interesting to see all the references and then you mentioned you are a academia I didn’t think there would be any correlation between high intelligence and arrogance because arrogance or humbleness is more about someone’s character right? It’s like you can use science for evil purposes or good. A person’s character decide if he uses his talent in good or bad way... So would you say it’s half and half of the humble vs arrogant in highly intelligent people? Or one has a much higher ratio?

My social experience is quite limited so far, in my observation lots of people who has one or more area that’s better than average, are kind of arrogant and they are always trying to make other people feel that they are better, other people are less. Like there are lots of those arrogant ‘Harvard graduates’ who think they are better than everyone. And for females, the pretty ones would look down on the ugly ones and think they are better just because they look good. In my observation that happens a lot and I don’t see many smart or pretty people who are humble and don’t like to think they are better than others. I wonder what everyone else’s experiences is like? According to my past experience it’s like 90% of those people are arrogant, like I don’t remember met anyone who’s genuinely humble. Maybe my social experience is too limited...

@inFlow yeah I gue ss you are right... it's difficult to be totally honest and open up to a therapist who is a stranger to you, you are not sure if he/she is trustworthy and non-judgmental or not. Total trust can only build after you know someone over a long period of time, and certain that he/she has good character. There's no way to get to know a therapist long engough to be sure that this person is safe for me to open up to. But if you talk to God or to yourself, there is no risk because God is the perfect Holy Being whome you have no risk open up to. Although you can't actually hear Him talking back to you right away, but the fact that you can totally open up and let everything out is the most important... I'm not sure about talking to God is literaly talking to yourself. I think we are all part of God but we are still our individual beings as well. Like we are God's child so we are closely connected and loved, but we are not actually God Himself. For me it's like, I know it's always good to try to depend on myself first instead of looking around and count on others for surport. If you think we are literaly God Himself, it's like we are actually on our own. When I'm having a difficult time, it just feels so much more comforting to know that there is this Holy Being that unconditionally love and care about us, and we can communicate with Him. If I think this way it feels so much more comforting than to think that I'm all on my own, I have to just only depend on myself. It's so different. And I often thought that, normally the role of parents is to love and care for their children, so when in difficult times parents should be the people whome you can turn to for some care and comfort. I use to think this way and feeling resentful when I know my parents are not the type of people who are able to stay calm during difficult times, therefor they will not be able to provide comfort and care to me, and it's kind of the opposite, I have to at least try to appear to be calm to try to comfort them so they don't panic too much. They are good willed nice people, but they just tend to get panick easily when things happen. In this interview, this lady was talking about the similar situation. When her brother had this horrible car accident, the whole family is panicking, and she is the one who has to appear to stay calm in order to calm down her parents. This just adds extra pressure to her. I feel very similar to her. It's like the parents are not able to provide any surport but need me to surport them instead. They only add to the panick instead of surport and calm. I use to feel kind of resentful about the fact that I think my parents are not able to be what parents should be. But after listened to lots of other people's stories, I came to realize that the chance of someone to get the caring and surportive parents are actually low in real life. The worst case is the parents are the opposite of how they should be, instead of provide love and care they are abusive to the child. That actually happens a lot... so I guess compare to those I'm already lucky... neglective parents are also common. And then there are the type of parents like mine who are nice and good willed but are easy to get panick so can't be the source of surport... This type is already a lot better than the abusive or neglective type... I learned that it's okay to feel resentful about it. I use to not let myself feel the resentful feeling because I thought I'm not supose to feel resentful, my parents are doing the best they can. But soon I found that when I don't let myself feel this feeling of resentfulness, I'm just surpressing my feelings and it's making me so much worse in everyway. My personality literally changed to being more fearful when talking to others, like I was loosing my normal self. Then I learned that it's okay to feel resentful. If I allow myself feel it and express it out, not to my parents but in other ways. Like I can just express my resentment without saying out loud, but just let this feeling out and not press them down. I'm not saying them to my parents so they will not get hurt so it's ok. If I just let my feelings out then they get released and I feel a lot better. I found that every time I just release my resentful feelings right away, I get to feel a lot more peaceful sooner. And then when I'm in a peaceful state I'm more able to think from my parents perspective and understand that it's truely not their intention to not provide the surport when things are difficult. They were not provided with suport in their childhood so they only learned to panick and not anything else. They are the victum as well, so I can't actually blame them for how they are..... And it helps to know that most people don't get the perfect surportive parents. It's like so many people have the same or even worse situation, then I don't feel like I got the short end of stick. So I'm not the rare unlucky one, knowing that helps a lot too... During hard times, things are too much to handle. You want to be strong and depend on yourself, but in the darkest moment you just don't feel strong enough to handle on your own. If there is someone around, who is able to stay calm, and provide you some surport, that would be great. I feel like all I need is a hug, he/she don't have to say a word. Just a hug. All I need to know that he/she is calm, and he/she truely cares. That's enough. But just like the perfect parent, the chance that you know someone in your life who's able to be like that is rare as well. So I guess that's when talking to God is the most helpful way in moments like that..... God is always calm and caring, don't have to worry about Him adding to the panick..... So God is the most dependable when you are lacking strength.... Actually I might add to this, there is something called Self Compassion. It's something like, instead of me want to get a hug from someone, I show compassion to myself and wrap my arms around myself and give myself the sooth and comfort. I can also gentlly talk to myself in a compassionate way, things like "I know it's hard, I care for you, you will be ok..." try to sooth and calm yourself physically and emotionaly. That helps as well. I wonder if anyone has tried that..... First show self compassion and sooth and calm yourself, and then can also talk to God and get surport, I guess both of those helps.....