Eldra

relationships has taught me a lot, or just communicating with people, reflecting on how others are, and looking at others from the perspective of your concept of how you would like to be online chatrooms, having diversity amongst people you talk to, to not just get bound into one group of people learning the word conforming was a nice one for me, what that word means and the way ego uses that, both directly and invertly exploring meditation, just for fun, just to sit for a bit, nothing else putting yourself on your own line, not under or over anyone not even on anyone else's line, just be your own game at some point one has to detach from all the theory and concepts and just breathe what is, cause everyone else in your life has a different perspective getting in tune with just the No-perspective that life has is more key than getting in tune with a perspective, at least after having learned things like ego development and spiral dynamics. Killing your own horse is a good one, we're all useless, so no high horses, no judging harshly or blindly being present, look at what is in front of you Being focused and intentional Reading as meditation, try reading mindfully just in general, stop trying, just enjoy, life isn't a frog on a dissecting table, if it is, then get on with it and beyond that. Trello boards organizing yourself and your thoughts/ideas the list goes on and on, you do you. it's all gravy, so we should get really good at making gravy.

we all have our own pace and perspective, and i think perspective is such an important thing when it comes to forgiveness. most of us are humans and we make mistakes, it's part of the package one month is just a few weeks, with more time it's going to very slowly ease up there's no real good way to know if the other person thinks about it or not, everyone thinks a bit about everything, it's great that you've made things alright with them again there's a very big difference on someone who hurts people and someone who tries not to hurt people, you're very much not someone who goes around hurting people on purpose, people being hurt is also a more complex thing, you can't blame yourself all that much, more just the situation, the mood, the event itself, the energy, the tension. Like it just was, it isn't right now, so it wasn't quite you is what i mean just run through it a few times in your mind, i'm sure you've already done that, but instead of trying to forgive it, try to let it be, you don't need to change it, imagine a wave from the ocean washing over it, look for signs of care in it, the remorse you feel and the emotions involved is a good sign of care in a way, it shows that you really didn't mean to, you don't need to forgive it as it's part of life, but you do realize that it wasn't quite you and that it's definitely not who you are, it will be alright. - Eldra

Thanks @RobertZ

Hello, i think this me just typing and contemplating this out will help, but feedback is always such a blessing too i already do a lot of writing and it's helped a lot, but i feel like it's to the point now where i need to bite some sort of bullet i don't know how awake i am, but i know that some years ago i was sitting in my room, and suddenly i realized that i was, it just never quite occurred to me that i was not my body, but somehow inside of my head, it was a strange thing. i don't know how awake i am, but i know that i'm the amount of awake that i am. i know that it's not a conceptual thing, awareness is more like the fabric of reality itself, more baseline but i'm stuck, something is wrong with me. not because i think so, or probably because i think so i know meditation would help me think a lot of this through, sorting myself out, it's key like that but it just gets really lonely, but that's part of life, we're all just one, if i had someone else with me through this it would probably not quite work, like having 2 persons in one body.. anyways.. i just have a lot on my mind, i get so anxious and upset, life gets hard, like basic things becomes not important when they should be key. i know meditation would help, it would help me relax, i really don't need more sorting things out, besides when relaxed there's almost no need to sort anything out, then we just do what needs to be done cause why not I'm scared of myself, anxious, stuck, i don't want to let go, i hold on so tightly, i get lost in low self esteem and the spiral of degrade having support from friends is always nice, they're all online friends. i couldn't manage real life friends, i'd have to be more confident in myself for that, which i have been but it seemed to have regressed i did psychedelics for a while, they were so kind and cool, but they can only show, they can't fix, they've given me what i could be, it's up to me to work towards it or not, Real life was the trip all along, just turned out to be a bad one for me to turn around but i feel stuck, i just need to ease up, and this is my pile of excuses, excuses and muse i've already figured it out, but yet it's not an easy thing to do at turtle speed i go, not sure if ascending or descending my trajectory i bring myself down a lot though, never good enough, it's just never going to work, i curse myself for no reason, i often feel one step away from something good and then i tend to just stop or get depressed, it's hard to deal with cause to me i'm okay, but to others i'm a bummer, i'm pretty much a hermit. But this is just depression again, i'm a bit lost in that, meditation could help. but i think i'm scared of it, it feels like walking in to a clean home with dirty shoes on i move so slowly, i make myself the slowest thing, often just full stop, and friends will ask me to join them online, but i'm barely moved from the last time they asked it's just the muse i tell myself, and it is a bit annoying. it's really backwards, it's all just not true, it's literally not how it is. Simply because it has to be. i didn't intend for this to be so dramatic, it's all just thoughts and annoyance, i'm just sick of it, it has to just turn inside out i just feel like there isn't anything to talk about, there is nowhere to go besides inwards, calmly and softly, when i was on 4.5 grams of mushrooms i said to myself: "Either every single person in this world is coming with me through this, or they can fuck off big time" it was a confidence thing, i need to move on, i need to just walk, those who stay around are where i am, treated as gold, those who don't they've parted ways. I just worry about people, the best thing is to just walk away and see who follows like that anyways, these are just thoughts, they're not the muse i want, it should be, not the muse i have. Thanks for reading, i make art if you're interested, it's Eldratoast on instagram, but i got a whole book about that too which i don't wanna get into For now my focus really needs to be on myself, for a long long time, but it's such a hard balance for me, but i'm hoping with time, i don't quite know a solution, cause there isn't one, the solution is to just be and realize that it's just a story, i guess that's how one wakes up also i'm sorry for the messy formatting and the very broad topic, i do hope someone could clear up this battle i have with myself, but it has to be me i think - Eldra

Practice practice practice is key to productivity, don't do productivity, Become productivity

you'd need some sort of Value to figure it out i mean more or less what? something can have many many many different kinds of more or less, it could literally have more and also less it's all relative to whatever you're comparing, and if you're not comparing something to anything then there is no more or less, then it just is when we're looking at something, we usually have a sense of what that something is, what its values are, what it does, why it does and all this, if you strip all those values away you can't compare it to anything cause you don't know what it is, maybe if you use it, for example a shovel, as you start using it you instantly start to use More or less so more or less is emergent the moment you know anything about anything you may be way more or less deeper than me on this one, haha was fun though, Thanks!

I've got a lot to catch up on, i decided i might try some writing it out and to share my progress Myself < So first of i'm 25, turns 26 late this year, my Alias is Eldra I spent most of my life being depressed, things didn't turn out quite to my expectations, there was always something a bit off for me i'd say i'm pretty hard with myself, nothing is ever okay, everything is kind of wrong all the time, it's just how i turned out maybe so i was getting fat, like i didn't even notice i was getting fat until my pants grew twice the size, just then did i realize i had lost A LOT of weight the transition from being fat to slim took a good year, slowly kept loosing it from eating a bit better which kind of segways into my first interesting insight, Which is, I think i was so low awareness than i literally could not truly feel my body, i could just stuff it full of bad bad bad food for most of my life and it had really no effect on me, it felt good to eat cinnamon bun sweets and chocolate milk, so that's all i ate, yeah What happend? i think what happend this past year going from 200 pounds (90 kilos+) down to 136 pounds (62 kilos) was just slowly becoming more aware, a sort of slow awakening over time it's really been like work, the same kind of work i've always been doing, the same kind of sitting there, and just thinking, trying to get somewhere but always getting lost. i don't know if it's normal, but i remember as a kid i'd break down in tears over the beauty of some legos i built, i just had an eye for detail, and it's caused me to be overly sensitive to people, being bullied, mother didn't know how to support me too well, just all these small things, they made me into a Thinker, someone who just sits and ponders on why and how what did i do? i think it was 4 years ago now i started writing notes on my phone, just that alone, i can't stress it enough, just organizing thoughts on my phone was a catalyst that helped me immensely. Another really really...really great thing that happend is i met my best friend, online friend, he's the kind of person that just gets it, we've talked so much in Direct messaging, and just, me slowly realising things that were wrong, it's like shadow boxing, the other person might not tell me what's up, but from just talking with him over the years there's been a lot of growth, point here is, a good and open understanding and accepting friend who values his time over yours, there's a lot to learn from someone who thinks you're okay but has their own life to live another great thing would be moving places, i wanna stress how important it was for me to get out,a bit away, i first moved from home 5 or 6 years ago, it was great, a new chapter, then i moved to my current place about 3 years ago, another new chapter, what i mean is that small deliberate changes are massive for me, i've always been like that, always rearranging my living rooms cause it felt so refreshing to alter my environment, just small things are huge a good example is i had a 450 Liter aquarium for 2 years, i sold it this week and it feels so freeing, it's as if one of the cuffs on my wings came loose and i can flutter a bit better, i got a work desk in its place and now i feel more motivated to do my art ok so here's the last big ones, saving the best for the last, i talked about that awareness insight i had, that's just something i noticed cause when i think back i feel like i was in a different mode, i was just more immersed in everything, now i kind of look back and see the difference in awareness so well First thing would be psychedelics, for me this has been an "easy" ride, it feels like it's been too easy, i read some trip reports of people having a really bad time on just a tab of LSD, i asked my mate about this why it seemed so free and good for me, no bad trips, his answer was: "cause you've done your work, done your reading and have taken care of yourself" and it's true, i've been taking it really slowly easing myself into it, ramping dosages up, having a good time, enjoying them, it really feels like a progression late last year i fell madly in love, it didn't end too good it took me about 3 months to snap out of the mania anfter a good amount of relapse, "worst" of all was this person was online, so i became attatched and so on to someone online, The point here is that, Wisdom truly comes from hardship, You truly sprout when your roots are burning, it's just intense hard emotions, stirring yourself up, i'm not quite there yet, but just this mad relationship alone should be more than enough proof for me that, if something is hard to do, if that anxiety is in my throat, just feel on it, just let it be, embrace the though times, embrace all that crap holding you back, sit in the pain with the intent to get out of it, don't avoid it, kind of thing, it's really really like that i had 4 mushroom trips in the past 2 months i will touch on these later i think, cause there's some profound thing that happend that i never though was possible i also had an lsd trip where there was some growth last year, i'm not sure when but i'll definitely do a trip report insights post from the 13 or so lsd trips i had last year and these 4 mushroom trips then there's one last thing before i recap Meditation, this is like, forced automatic organising of your mind, it's truly magic, my philosophy on this became more of a free thing, It can be whatever i want it to be, i want it to be fun, i want it to be relaxing, i want it to be silent, i want it to be madness monkey mind working itself out, i want it to be that i seize to exist, that i melt into the couch under my butt, i want it to be this gateway into the 4th dimension where i can have a look at all my ethereal thoughts, this is kinda what my mind does, it just makes it up, it's a lot of fun and... last one real quick, books, i got Leo's top 5 books on my shelf, slowly snailing my way through Mastery by George Lennard, what i noticed from just having these books on my shelf and knowing roughly what they are about, it's like the information in them, just by knowing the topics, seeps into existence over time by just me having them there, i can't wait to read these and say " oh damn, some of that i already thought about, and for them to just resolve whatever questions i didn't know i had just all these things coming together, what did it do? What did it do? This is where this part of this journey is hard, results come in hindsight, sometimes you don't notice it at all, this is that awareness thing, you won't notice what it does until you do one of LSD trips showed me that my views on people were brutal, how i did not look at people as a being just like myself, this has been a huge insight that's helped me evolve my understanding respect and fellowship, i still have a million years to go before i'll be happy with it, but i've improved this aspect of my life a lot since last year, just from that one experience the breakup led me into meditation practice, i needed to take things seriously, meditation has done a lot for me, but i only noticed it recently, i'd say a good 20 hours of meditation in the past 3-4 months, just sitting there, like a stupid silly man on the floor, but slowly it started to make sense, it was really magical started at 10 minutes, 15, 20, then ramped it up to an hour, now i do an hour every day i'm still not that consistent, but i just never think of it as giving up, screw giving up, that's for losers now these last 2 mushroom trips 4.5 grams and 4.2 grams, these were my third and forth mushroom trips this was something else, i'm noticing massive gains in my feelings, it's very subtle, but that's massive i'm literally having brain orgasms from listening to the music i like, like every now and then it'll just shoot down my spine and it's so good my clarity is on point too, it's quite interesting i told my mate my experience with it and he said "damn, you broke through" and in hindsight yeah i did, and it's cause of all the hard work i thought was not really getting me anywhere cause it was so slow, but it really really really does wonders when you get it together slowly Journaling in OneNote and Trello is great Thanks for reading, if you're more interested, you can look at my art on instagram EldraisHere - I plan on doing a lot more with this art, eventually might move on to game design Thank you so much Leo