TravisB

My story: My spiritual journey began at the age of 20 when I had a 3 month episode of severe mental illness. Every moment was a struggle. I tried therapy and medication. In the brink of utter hopelessness I had a monumental epiphany which revealed the existence of the spiritual path, meditation, consciousness, and the hope for a better future. I spent the next 6 years on a spiritual mission. I became deeply engrossed in the spiritual process. Hours of meditation, solo retreats, psychedelics, classic personal development, etc. I was on a completely different plane of existence as everyone else and I was happy as ever. I was making rapid progress. I went to Costa Rica and met an enlightened shaman who told me I was one of 10,000 people who would awaken the world. Of course this fed my ego a bit but also gave me a sense of purpose to stay on the path. I never forgot the episode of mental illness I had that started this whole thing. I come from a family history of bipolar and clinical depression. I have no doubt that I have one these. But it seemed as though somehow I was funneling that vulnerability into massive spiritual progress. I would go through my mind and try to think of situations that could possibly trigger me back down and I couldn’t. I had multiple awakenings and deeply fulfilling experiences. I felt like I was living a blessed life. By the end of those 6 years I felt like I truly had detached from everything. But I was wrong. In the spring this year I received an offer for a dream job. Let me start off by saying that my career as an Engineer was never my passion. It has always been a means to an end. However, I learned to enjoy most aspects of it. I saw a job as a necessary minor evil that I had to work around just like everyone else. I was at peace with that. I got a rare offer for a stress free job with the DOT, one that would give me lots of flexibility, freedom, meeting new people, working from home, etc.. it was basically a stress free job that could allow me to focus more on other things and maintain a healthy balanced life. Concurrently, my current company was in the midst of placing me on a new project, another supposedly good opportunity. This one involved being able to work on my own. There was less flexibility and I couldn’t work from home, but I believed this would make me more disciplined. My intuition told me to go with the first opportunity even though I believed it might make me “lazy” or have less “spiritual progress.” I put in my 2 week and felt an excitement that put me on top of the world. I should have stuck with that intuition. But instead I quit the new job a week in and went back to my old job. I made a knee jerk reaction. I realized later that any new job, no matter how good it is, won’t be exactly how you imagine it to be, especially at first. I had made a mistake I couldn’t reverse. It took about two days before I became conscious of my mistake. It hit me like a ton of bricks and then a continuous descent down a cliff. I became flooded with a hellish state of dread and regret. For weeks I fought moment after moment to be present. I kept telling myself that there was a reason for this pain, that in order to fulfill my destiny of awakening the world, I needed to get through this. During those times I had beautiful awakening experiences. But mostly it was hell. When it was time to go back to my old job, I continued to stay as present as possible. Fortunately, they didn’t have much for me to do at first, so I sat in my car and continued the fight. When it was time to do tasks I still stayed present. But life happened. Eventually I got emotionally crushed because it was impossible for me to simultaneously handle all the negative emotions and life itself. I started taking an anti depressant called Zoloft. It went against all my spiritual beliefs, but at that point nothing mattered. The medication takes about 3 weeks to start working. In the meantime I continued to cycle between extreme low and high consciousness states. It all pinnacled in multiple near suicide attempts. When my parents saw the rope burn around my neck they called my psychiatrist who ordered me to go to the hospital. There’s a lot I could say about my 3 weeks in a mental hospital. I’ll start with the cons. I had to eat garbage food. Institutional food. Little to know greens. Just what you’d expect. I had little to no outdoor time. Fifteen minutes a day inside a cage. That’s all I got. Now here’s the pros. There’s a lot of camaraderie. Everyone there is struggling through something and it really helps to have that sense of constant social connection. It’s like being back in college. There’s also doctors and therapists who come around and ask how your doing, which is nourishing. All in all, I think there’s a lot we can do to improve our mental hospitals. I think we could save a lot of people who would otherwise be crushed. There were people there with high potential if they were only supported properly. While I was in there they put me on another medication. It was an anti psychotic called Olanzapine. This drug is very powerful. It essentially rid me of my overwhelming negative emotions. My mind finally had a sense of control. I’m very grateful for it because it has probably saved my life. It’s also very humbling to admit I need these drugs, but I’ve come to realize what they are: tools. Some people say anti depressants and anti psychotics are like taking insulin. The difference is you can’t consciously control your insulin levels, but you can learn to consciously control your mind. Except when you can’t. Because maybe your mind is running way out of control. That’s when these meds can be of great value. With the help of the meds and the social connection, I left the hospital in a better place. I’ve come to realize where I’m at right now. I know that I have a lot of inner work to do before I can even think about go off the meds, doing psychedelics, retreats, fasting, solitude, or any of the things that I used to be able to do. I’m gonna keep going because what else is there to do. I hope to one day look back and be grateful for this time in my life. I have since taken a step back from watching Leo’s content because it makes me sad. But hopefully one day I can get back there too. I believe there is a reason and an unfolding, to be revealed to those who never give up. Please feel free to post any thoughts or questions.

I used to smoke obsessively. Kept trying to quite but couldn't. One time would get be hooked. Then I did ayuahuasca. After that I decided to stop and I haven't pick it up since.

@purerogue @outlandish @Danioover9000 thanks!

@purerogue I still get it. Just like you said, less disruptive but still there. @Member Yes but never this bad. Pyschedelics seem to pushing me much deeper with as a consequence is making this issue much worse. I will try using trip music and see if that works. If not I may need to move out...

Any disruptive noise in my environment sends an shock that feels like an injection of cortisol, adrenaline and anger through my body. Worst time was during a recent 25 mg DPT trip, an ambulance drove by and instantly my body was flooded with intense anxiety, stress, anger. I had to take a cold shower to calm myself down and even then it lingered for an hour. My heart felt like it had a bruise the rest of the day. My sensitivity to noises persists days after tripping and especially during deep contemplation. I now fear these "shocks" and it is causing me to resist. Ear plugs don't seem to be enough since I still can hear sharp noises. I have not tried trip music yet. I live with roommate in a city. Is this something I need to work through or will I need to take drastic noise reduction measures (like moving out of the city/not having roommates)? Please share any advise for how you've overcome issues like this.

Being in nature for a long time can help with raising consciousness. Have a plan for bugs if you will be sitting still for long periods. I did a retreat in the Utah mountains which is supposed to be bug free. Within 10 minutes of meditating, every bug from 10 miles around had found me.

I've been following Actualized.org for almost 4 years now. I consider myself blessed to have found this content. I used to suffer from suicidal depression/anxiety. On the brink of giving up, I discovered Leo's video on how to solve any problem using awareness (Awareness is Curative). Something very deep within me clicked. Something about the way Leo communicated this video inspired me that I could heal. That inspiration set me on my spiritual path. When I look back at what I was, compared to who I am now, it brings tears to my eyes because I am so grateful. My father is not as lucky as me. He suffers from mental illness and has his whole life. Thus far on my path I have been able to dissolve my fears through raising my consciousness. But watching my father suffer feels different. I can't make him do what he needs to do to heal. I've tried to get him on a meditation practice, but he's not having the same epiphany of inspiration that I had. It seems like I am the only one in my family that truly feels his pain because only I've been that low before. Has anyone struggled with a similar issue? How can I reconcile my father's pain? God bless.

@Leo Gura I'm curious. What'd you do in between trips during your retreat? I'd imagine there'd be some ego backlash. How'd you control it enough so that it did not interfere with the next trip?

@Leo Gura I know I asked you this in the other forum but it seems more relevant here. Was tolerance an issue? I find that even after two days in a row of psychedelics I grow a tolerance. One more question. I'm curious why you decided to use 5 meo on your retreat and not dpt. I saw your video about how powerful dpt was for you. What made you decide to use 5 meo and not dpt?

@Leo Gura Thank you for everything. I'm curious about how tolerance affected your 30 day 5 meo retreat. I find that even after doing 5 meo (or any pschedelic) just two days in a row, that it is less potent on the second day. Could it be something that varies from person to person? Do you have to increase the dosage a lot each time? How were you able to keep increasing the dosage over 30 days and not take a dangerously large amount?