I put a tab and a half of blotter under my tongue and waited. I sat on my zazen cushion facing the wall with my eyes lowered, breathing deeply. I felt shaky, as if energy was surging through me that would let me sit still comfortably. The come up hadn't even begun yet but the anxiety was already high. A tab and a half of this particular batch of LSD was the most I'd ever done, and on top of that these tabs were the strongest I'd ever faced.
 
The come up came on strong and swift. I found myself getting higher and higher. Each level higher bringing about its own fear. Each time I would break through into a higher level of consciousness, I would think to myself 'there's nothing higher than this' and it was only then that it would dawn on me that I was breaking through to yet an even higher dimension.
 
I eventually got off of my meditation cushion and sat down on my bed. It was early afternoon. I quickly glanced out the window to try and ground myself but I couldn't ground myself in physical reality. A revolution was taking place within me, The LSD wasn't about the let me ignore it. I tried to play music to keep me calm but any form of music felt distasteful so I opted out of music.
 
My heart raced, and raced, the fear got more and more intense. I shifted my position to a seated position where my back was leaning against the wall and my feet extended in front of me. I was facing the window and I looked out at the tree's and I noticed that they were no longer tree's. The leaves had taken the shape of geometric patterns that extended deeply into my visual field. I felt fear because I realized that reality was now radically different than it had ever been but I put the fear out of my mind pretty quickly by surrendering as deeply as I could to the experience that was unfolding before my eyes.
 
An energy rushed through my body, like a rapidly flowing river. The river flowed through all of the objects in the room and then to the center of the universe. As the current got stronger, I began to feel a slight pull at my ego. Stronger and stronger it pulled at my ego until I finally let it go. It was so uncomfortable at first to feel my sense of self be pulled away and then tossed into oblivion. It had happened to me before in other psychedelic experiences but it’s a feeling I don't think I'll ever get used to.
 
Anyhow,
 
I realized that I existed without any sense of identity or self. I sat there on my bed, totally nobody. The revolution going full speed within me capturing the majority of my attention. What was the revolution? I couldn't tell, it was too much for my mind to comprehend. As the current of the river got even stronger, I suddenly became one with it. Like a small bubble merging into a larger bubble. I flowed (as the cosmic river) through all the objects in my room and into my cat which was sitting on the window sill. I flowed into my cats tail and waved it.
 
As the revolution within me was dying down in intensity, I began to realize that I was reaching the peak of the experience. I got off my bed and walked downstairs to sit on the couch. The TV was on but I was too preoccupied with my inner state to even notice the outside world very much. I sat on the couch looking at nothing really. My full attention wrapped up in my deep inner state.
 
I felt myself begin to approach madness as I became less and less responsive to the outside world. I was leaving the outside behind entirely and diving deeply within myself. I no longer heard sounds in the room or outside, no longer smelled the air, or felt my body temperature, etc. I let go completely into the beyond. As the last parts of my outside attention began to slip away a feeling that I might never come back washed over me, but I didn't fear it very much. I simply let go into the beyond. My thoughts became more and more irrelevant as I went deeper into my mind. My intellect became like a mosquito. Landing on different parts of the experience trying to suck out any meaning, philosophy, wisdom that it could take back with it into the egoic mind. I was so conscious however that I didn't care that it operated in this way.
 
Large portions of my mind which (I realized) are normally shrouded in darkness or unconsciousness, had now become fully conscious. Where normally the intellect would take up quite a bit of conscious real estate, it was no longer large enough to even capture 1% of my full attention. I was deep in my own mind and with that depth came a great compassion for all life.
 
I saw the landscape of my mind like the stars speckled across the night sky. The darkness of space being the unconscious parts of my mind, and the little specks of light were the conscious sides of my mind. As I went deeper into my mind, there was less and less dark space and more and more light.
 
I began to approach schizophrenia. I saw it coming as I let go into my mind more and more. My conscious attention panicked and then rushed back to see what my body was doing in the physical world. It was like swimming to the top of the pool to make sure the waves were still okay. I immediately realized the futility of such a task. My body was sitting there, starring at the wall to my left, hands in my lap. The TV was on, the AC was running, the house was quiet. I felt the tug to turn inward pull my attention back away from my body and deep into my mind again. I felt myself entering schizophrenia yet again but I didn’t try to stop it this time. The part of my mind which gave things meaning was now under my full conscious control. I was ascribing the deepest of meaning to everything in my experience, even the smallest things were imbued with cosmic levels of meaning and purpose. There was no part of my experience 'inner or outer' that I wasn't consciously making blissful. I gave everything so much depth and meaning that I could hardly handle the beauty I'd made. I felt like a grape that was so ripe it could pop at any moment, releasing the sweetest of juices.
 
The deeper I went into the schizophrenia the more images of my family discovering me starring absent mindedly at the wall began to play in my mind. Visions of my family crying at my bedside as I was completely unresponsive played in my mind. For a moment I grieved the loss of my normal self but just as I began to feel too sad I dropped all human emotions and became something cosmic. Something impersonal.
 
I was now so deep in my mind that I was no longer aware of physical reality, sounds, smells, taste, touch. I was no longer even aware of emotions, or thoughts either. I found myself in the center of the universe as the center of the universe. I was no longer a human being at this point. I no longer cared whether or not I ever came back to my senses. The feeling of cosmic bliss was so deep that it fulfilled me completely. If I had died in this very spot, I would have been okay with that. Nothing mattered at all. I saw that there were no mistakes in the universe, no evil.
 
I nonchalantly witnessed the beginning of man kind. Millions of human beings sitting cross legged on the ground. All of the human beings, animals, and insects serving no other purpose than to be sensors from which I observe myself from within myself (as the universal). I witnessed the first human hug, the first dance, the first song, the first death and murder. All of this pleased me to no end.
 
I wasn't to keen on watching human history long however, or even cosmic history. I knew everything that existed in the cosmos, nothing was a surprise to me. One thing captured my attention more than anything else though- The fact that I was aware. I couldn't stop marveling at the fact that I was aware. Because I was aware, I generated nothing but Love. This was the most obvious thing to do. I generated love, love, love as the universe itself.
 
I didn't spend long in this schizophrenic state, I felt my ordinary consciousness begin to come back as the parts of my mind which were now well lit began to go dark again. I felt my emotions start to come back, then my thoughts, then my visual field came back online, then my smell, taste, touch, and body consciousness. I shifted myself in my chair to appear more normal in case anyone walked in and saw me. I realized then that my ego had also began to resurface. I thought to myself- ''so that's what schizophrenia is….wow. I do not fear that.''
 
I got up from the couch and walked over to the small bathroom on the far left corner of the living room. As I walked on the carpet I realized that the carpet was bearing the weight of my body. I saw that the carpet was conscious and was feeling me walk across it. I tried to walk gently and calmly as not to cause it any unnecessary suffering. I then noticed that all the inanimate objects around me were fully conscious just like I was. Inside of each thing was a deep inner experience. I flicked the light switch with great care, I used the bathroom with great care, and closed the door without slamming it. Everything had intense cosmic meaning. Meaning was shining brightly from every single being in the room. I was no longer seeing the living room as the living room, I was seeing it as Living Eternity.
 
I went into the kitchen and saw an orange on the counter. I picked it up and looked at it closely. I realized that what I normally referred to as 'the peel' was actually not a 'peel', it was skin. The same kind of skin that I have on my body and you on yours. I looked at a banana and saw the same thing. These were living beings who could feel. I thought of them as 'fruit' as a means to separate myself from them so that I could brutalize them without moral consequence within myself. I thought to myself- so then what do I eat?
 
My intuition responded to my intellect immediately. I realized that eating these beings was necessary when it was in the service of ending suffering (hunger). I felt the floor feel the pain of my standing on it. I said to it- "why don't you move if you are in pain?"
 
My intuition immediately responded- "Because I Love you."
 
I was crushed by that response.
 
I walked across the floor as gently as I could. My cat ran down the stairs and walked into the kitchen with me, carefully stepping across the floor as gracefully as it could. My cat rubbed against my leg to greet me and I saw through the delusion that there was a 'self' in my cat at all. All of my ideas of a relationship between my cat, our history, the ideas that my cat loves me, etc. was total delusion. I saw my cat as if it were a total stranger to me. I felt disgusted by it, and I pitied the cat. I saw that it had no spiritual depth. Its life was empty of all spirit, of all depth. It was purely a bodily existence. I do not believe that I ever got over this realization. Once I had seen that in my cat, I could not un-see it.
 
Note- I did not use it as an excuse to neglect my cat, instead I saw it as an opportunity to treat my cat better. Since its existence was purely bodily, I could easily bring it joy and comfort with things like catnip, quality canned wet foods, keeping the litter box clean, water fountain clean, playing more often, etc. So I took up the responsibility to do these things and carried them out until his death a little over a year later.
 
Beyond this point nothing remarkable took place. There were a few things which I walked away with that I didn't get to mention earlier. For starters, in the bathroom I looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. I saw my teeth were rotted and brown. I was shocked by this. A Jamaican woman's voice said to me loud and clear-
 
'You eat dead things (meat) and you wonder why you're rotting?'
 
I left the bathroom with a strong conviction to become a vegetarian.
 
As the trip came to a close I had a vision of myself sitting on a zazen cushion in a zendo. The vision had great emotional depth. I felt a strong conviction to devote my life to becoming a monastic.
 
Two weeks later I packed all my things and  moved to a zen center. I have lived here for 2 years currently.
 
End.

(Disclaimer: As the following text is based on my personal experience, it will most likely be flawed in numerous ways. Also, please keep in mind the inherent limitations of language. If there seems to be contradiction or paradox, it may be precisely because of the very nature of language. Sometimes contradictions themselves are the most powerful pointers. )
 
 
"Infinite Love never fails."
- Nahm
 
 
Pre-Feeling Phase
In order for you to know, where I’m coming from, it makes sense to give you some context.
How did I stumble upon the path of self-actualization? Well, the very core of it was constituted by fears, insecurities, and a lack of self-worth. But the interest of understanding anything about reality also emerged at that time – no matter what the topic was, I was interested in understanding it. I came up with the term of “not negating knowledge”. All of these lead me to better myself, to understand more about myself and reality, and ultimately, to live a life worth living.
Eventually, I stumbled upon actualized.org; as I always had quite a good grasp on conceptual understanding, I soaked up Leos videos like a sponge. In the conceptual/ rational sense, I always considered myself to be quite sharp.
With self-actualization came meditation. Awareness, mindfulness, and consciousness became the crux of my everyday life. I noticed that whenever a person did something really good, they always talked about how doing it consciously was a key component to their mastery.
Awareness, mindfulness, consciousness – terms like these sounded to me as if they were ‘things’, which lie in the center of my head, right behind my eyes. At least, that’s what it felt like. This misunderstanding led to me being ‘in my head’ too much. In consequence, meditative practices had more of a concentration character, as well as an ‘analytical, non-labelling awareness’.
For a long time, there was this feeling that there is ‘something off’. Something, which does not sit quite right. One ‘component’ was missing, but I never knew what it was. As I searched for the answer, I turned my psyche (and pretty much my whole life) upside down, constantly bettering myself to ‘find that thing’ – until 6 months ago.
That was when I noticed very deep wounds within myself. I realized that I denied my emotions since a very long time, unknowingly suppressing them. I denied feeling my emotions because I was afraid of being vulnerable. I didn’t want to admit that I was broken inside. Self-actualization and spirituality only deepened the denial. Eventually, the denial of my emotions caused bigger suffering than biting the bullet and going through the emotional release. I was at a point, where I couldn’t stand it anymore.
My self-image shattered; and I rebuild it in a ‘conscious way’. I swore to myself to never run away from feeling again. Half a year has passed, and some massive emotional healing has happened since then. As a thank you for everything I learned from this forum, I wanted to share some of my insights and findings along the way. I hope this post will be helpful to the one reading.
 
Feeling is Direct Experience
Synonyms: Actuality, Now, The Present Moment
I want to start with direct experience, because everything what is being written here ultimately tries to point towards direct experience. By writing about feeling, I don't want to imply to think about feeling, but to rather just feel (In fact, I could even stop the post right here, but I won’t).
As soon as you feel what is in your experience, you will recognize that feeling is direct. With feeling, we bypass our thoughts, and get in direct contact with what is actual. Thoughts veil direct experience and make us ‘lose contact’ with the present moment. Funny enough, feeling is prior to thoughts. So even though thoughts cause a disconnection from direct experience, we can also feel how the thoughts themselves feel, thus ‘anchor ourselves in the now’.
 
Feeling is Acceptance
When we choose to feel, acceptance is inevitable. Without ‘thinking it out loud’ we say to ourselves: “Alright, just for this moment, I will allow myself to see what is currently going on in my experience.” (Thus, accepting everything as is).
Oftentimes, we fight against emotions, which feel bad. We try to keep ‘em out of the house or lock them away. By doing this, the only effect we achieve is ingraining beliefs about ourselves even deeper, as we give them more meaning and treat them as more real, as they actually are, instead of just letting them go. Self-referential thoughts are conditioned and learned, even though they oftentimes seem ‘rock solid’. And because of that, we do have the ‘power’ to let them come and go. Welcoming self-referential thoughts (maybe with an inner smile) is just as important as letting them go.
But in order to let them go, we must first accept them. Acceptance by thinking about accepting may be one way, but more often than not, it simply doesn’t work because it feels forced. Feeling, on the other hand, makes acceptance effortless. Feeling already implies that everything which is being felt, is accepted – because we ‘agree’ to feel what already is the case. By feeling, we give our body and mind the necessary space for emotional healing.
Feeling is healing. It frees you by leading you to emotional release.
 
Feeling reveals Truth
Rather than entangling ourselves further in thought stories (=beliefs), via feeling we can 'untangle' this mess and see the truth behind the thoughts, which veil direct experience. To be conscious of truth is to be conscious of direct experience – which, counterintuitively, means that there is nobody/no person/ no identity being conscious. When you think that ‘you become conscious of something’ you got it backwards, because a ‘you which becomes conscious of something’ implies an identity which realizes something, which is not the case. Language becomes really limiting and misleading here. You could say the exact opposite of what I said, and it would still be as true as what I wrote. So I’ll just stop here. Remember, all of this is not to be thought about. Thoughts don’t ‘solve’ this ‘riddle’ (there is no riddle to be solved).
‘You’ are nothing but a thought. ‘You being conscious’ is also a thought, as well as ‘you dropping the identification with thoughts’ or ‘you connecting to direct experience’. Untangle via feeling.
Truth may ‘hurt you down the way’. It may even amplify suffering because the lies we tell to ourselves become illuminated with the discovery of what is true (the discovery that we were lying to ourselves the whole time can hurt but can also be the most hilarious thing). It is the only way out of suffering because once you ‘discover truth’, you discover that which is beyond (or prior to) thoughts and identity. Running away from truth (by resisting feeling) is not going to work very well for your wellbeing because truth (=existence) is inherent. You can’t fight it, as existence is already the case. That’s why you need to surrender to it (=not running away from feeling in order to resist what is true/what is the case).
The upside is that truth feels absolutely amazing and is everything ‘you’ always were looking for. Once ‘found’, it feels like your back is being watched by an unlimited source. Truth is good. Everything aligned with truth feels good. Fighting against it does not. Feeling, and feeling what really feels good to you, guides you ‘towards truth’.
To be able to see that fighting against truth does not feel good, you really need to be honest with yourself. I say that because you could also be lying to yourself that you’re feeling good, when really, you’re not (which was the case with me), hence honesty. Discovering what feels good can be a slippery slope, as the ego is the most brilliant liar. Truly a witty mastermind, constantly tricking you into believing stuff, which makes you think that you feel good, but it actually makes you feel bad. Gotta love that fool for his genius. Discernment is key. Feeling allows honest discernment.
We also may see relative, partial truths behind thoughts. An example may be: “Ohh, now I realize why I felt like shit the whole time. Unconsciously, I was focusing on these self-referential thoughts with negative connotations. As every thought multiplies and manifests, they were the cause of my suffering. If that is so, I have the choice to direct my attention towards thoughts that feel good and serve my wellbeing. But how do I separate the wheat from the chaff? Feeling, of course!”
A ‘more fundamental truth’ arises from these inspections (even though there really is no such thing as a ‘more real truth’ or a ‘less real truth’), which is that there is ‘something’ prior to thought stories and all the emotions that come with them: groundless being.
This groundless being is not perceivable, because there is nothing prior to it, thus, there is nothing which could perceive ‘it’. It is crucial to realize that we are it. That’s why self-inquiry is so tricky. We try to ‘find it’ – but there is nothing to find, because it is already right here! Any search implies that there is something to be found. But how do you want to find something you’re already ‘looking’ at? Being is being.
That's what all these spiritual pointers are trying to point to: that which is unspeakable, which is not possible to articulate, because the articulation itself is ‘it’. Nothing is outside of it. Yet, terms like nothing, emptiness, awareness, consciousness, love, now, and so on try to point to ‘that thing’.
‘It’ is not perceivable, yet we can feel into it. Meditation is something much more to be felt, rather than to be ‘focused’ about. I personally found it easier to feel into it (=feeling how existence feels), rather than trying to inspect it with awareness. Inspecting it with awareness mislead me, because I tried to ‘inspect truth’ like I would inspect the hand with awareness. It always lead me to try to inspect a form (regardless of which shape or not-shape this form [or not-form] may take). With feeling on the other hand, I can simply feel and relax into it, and melt with it, until there is no meditator left. Only existence.
The realization that we already are that which we are trying to find resolves the paradox of 'perceiving groundless being'. We don’t ‘need anything’ per se to understand being because it is already understood because we already exist as being. Language really challenges me to articulate it, to ‘deliver it to you’. Ultimately, just forget everything which is being said here and ‘inspect’ your being, i.e. melt into being. Being trapped in the realm of language unfortunately will lead you nowhere with this inquiry.
‘Perceiving’ truth/nothing is the hardest thing to do, as it is beyond perception; yet it is absolutely the most natural and simplest thing to do, because it is our core existence and literally needs no effort; even wanting to understand what is being talked about here implies effort, but it really is effortless.
Another helpful pointer towards effortlessness might be: Do you need to do anything in order for this moment to continue? Try to stop the moment. Try to choose what you will do next. Try to take absolute and full ownership of the movements of your body. Are you choosing to move your body the way you do or are you more like on autopilot? You see, ‘it all runs by itself’, without any effort from any person. Inspect. See that existence flows effortlessly. Feel, that you do not have to do anything in order for you to exist. Feel the relaxation that comes with that effortless flow. Allow yourself to feel the goodness that naturally ‘flows out of it’. Nothing more is needed.
 
Feeling opens the doors to Love
For this part I want to share an experience, as I think that captures it best. Also, truth is love (see previous section).
It was a night in which I felt absolutely terrible. Weeks before that night, I was already confronted with several emotional flushes, as well as an inner opening towards feeling. But in that night, I was at a very low point. So I decided to go for a walk. I put on some melancholic music and completely surrendered to feeling every emotion that was coming my way. Feeling certainly didn’t make it better, as the pain was intensified by feeling. It saturated every emotion. But I was sick of putting up barriers against what is true and how I really feel. I was sick of lying to myself. This erased all barriers against any resistance.
Halfway through the walk I started to notice a very powerful, empathetic force that was permeating my whole body. It was distinct from me, yet it was a part of me. I felt a very deep acceptance coming from that force. It was loving me deeply, absolutely regardless of how I felt or who I was. It felt as though that love was smiling at me, was giving me warm hugs, from within. I felt at home.
What I also noticed was that running away from bad feeling emotions robs them from their aesthetic. It turns them ugly. Really ugly. But feeling the deep, hurting wounds has a certain kind of beauty to it. I was really surprised to see that this is even a possibility.
As that experience went on, every wound was washed away, which actually made me really confused. The impermanent nature of reality was revealed to me. I was thinking to myself “Hold on, I’m supposed to feel sad”. The thought told me, that I’m supposed to feel sad (trying to ‘freeze the moment’). But when I felt within, there was no sense of sadness anymore (impermanence). Granted, I wasn’t feeling really great either. But the heavy emotional waves from half an hour ago evaporated and I felt so much lighter. I was ready, to allow myself, to feel good again. Grinning, I walked back home and felt deeply healed and loved. Looking back, I understand now, that this was an experience of deeply healing Self-Love.
On another occurrence, instead of being loved from a ‘distinct’ force, I was the one who was absolutely loving everything which was going on in my experience. I remember riding my bike. My hands were freezing, wind blew against my face, and it was really not that comfortable. Oddly, I was loving all of it. Every sensation was being felt deeply, thus accepted deeply, thus loved deeply. My energy levels shot through the roof and I felt utterly at peace and whole. Even though there were many ‘incomplete’ things in my life, I felt as complete and whole as you can feel. I understood that anything external can never ‘make you complete’. In order to feel complete, the only necessary thing is Self-Love. And when you realize that Truth is inherent, you understand that Self-Love is always the case and was never not the case. It is only our thinking minds that make us belief that there is incompletion. We already are complete. Realizing just how much you are being loved, and how you are that love which loves everything.. leaves you in deep awe for creation.
 
Feeling is a compass
Feeling within shows you what you really want and how you really want to feel. By listening to the internal compass of feeling, it guides you towards the life you want to live (Dreamboard). By letting go thoughts which don’t feel good and choosing to focus on thoughts which do feel good, one starts to effortlessly navigate through the inner and outer world in harmony.
Feeling also ‘monitors’ your alignment with truth. When you honestly feel good, ‘you are aligned with truth’. If you happen to feel bad, allow yourself to take a step back and inspect in your direct experience what causes dissonance with truth. Feel within and it will soon tell you, ‘what’s wrong’. It’s an intuitive process – the more you do it, the better you get. Yet, ‘answers’ are always available to you and do not need any further process besides feeling within.
As feeling opens the doors to love, this also leads to a life full of love. Simply following and trusting your inner guidance via feeling generates love. It’s almost like a cheat code because the more you feel, the clearer you get about your life, and the more love comes your way.
 
How to feel?
There’s nothing to learn about feeling. It’s natural and you always feel. And really, the full spectrum of feeling goes way beyond language. Words only point to other words and serve as a very rough approximation towards direct experience. Still, thoughts sometimes overcomplicate the simplest. If that’s the case, you can use these pointers:
Where in your body and/or mind are sensations occurring?
How do they feel? You don’t need to make this a mental exercise by saying “I feel some tingling in my belly”. Just notice the sensations and feel how they feel. When thought stories about the sensations come up, feel how the thought stories feel, and allow them to come and go. If you don’t feel anything, that’s also something to feel.
You do not control which thoughts come your way, so you do not need to take ownership for them. Simply feel whether they feel good or bad to you. It’s up to you which thoughts you want to give your attention to or which thoughts you give more or less credit to. Choose whatever you want to focus on.
When sensations are noticed, take your time, and stick with them at least for a bit. No need to rush through your body. How does the sensation change over time? How do thoughts about that sensation change over time? Feel into both of these questions.
Also, you can either feel in a very specific way (e.g. focusing your feeling on your belly) or you can feel in a very expansive way (e.g. ‘feeling everything at once’ – the whole spectrum within and without of the body).
The latter is actually a very fun exercise: First feel your whole body at once (maybe after having scanned your body from bottom to top). Then feel the boundaries of your body (e.g. skin, nose, eyes etc.). Really try to feel, what is outside and what is within the boundary. Where is the touching point of ‘outside’ and ‘inside’? Maybe you will notice that ‘boundary’ is nothing more than a thought. It’s really fun to let the lines blur! There are no walls between you and the external world. Thoughts make you believe that there are walls by creating illusory boundaries between ‘you’ and ‘not you’. But when you actually feel the ‘limits of boundaries’, there is no more separation.
When we turn up that ‘feeling knob’ really high, soon, everything vanishes. I really don’t know how to describe it, but when that ‘occurs to me’, ‘I’ start to forget everything I have learned, and just melt into what is. The meditator falls away and everything that stays is just existence or groundless being or awareness or truth or all of these words which try to point to ‘that’.
‘It happens to me’ when I try to go to the core of feeling. Like trying to taste the tongue, I try to feel feeling, which leads to that moment of forgetting everything. I can’t even quite recall the ‘experience’ because I only recognize that ‘that’ happened, when ‘I’ (ego) snap back. All I assume is that I can’t recall the experience because there is no one to experience it. I’m still exploring what’s up with that because it’s really ‘new territory’ for me. Just wanted to put this info out here in order to let you know that feeling is not limited to the body/mind, and that this ‘going beyond’ is also a possibility.
 
 
So, that’s about it. Way too many words, but I still hope you could get something out of it. By now you must’ve heard the word feeling so often that you are absolutely sick of it, which is great! No need for words, really.
 
Thank you @Leo Gura for paving the way and providing such an immensely deep and broad catalogue of understanding. There is still so much to explore in life and I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon your teachings in this regard. The quality of my life has shot up drastically thanks to everything you teach. I’m super excited about what is yet to be seen, yet to be learned. You really are a pioneering genius in what you are doing. I literally can’t thank you enough. Honestly, thank you man.
 
Thank you @Nahm for always being so direct with every one of your teachings. Always cut to the chase, always full of love. If you wouldn’t have reinforced the importance of feeling so often, I probably would still be stuck in my head today. But you helped me open the doors to love in tremendous ways. Thanks to you I do feel enabled to create a life full of love, a life I want to live, a dream life. I feel like the foundation for everything which is yet to come has been set. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to have learned from you. Thank you.
 
❤️
 
 

Understanding Impermanence - Why Reality Is Always Changing
//
Devilry occurs when you try to make the impermanent permanent. 
 
you can only be a devil for a short while, not forever, devilry is temporary, god is forever.
 
  God is a shapeshifter
 
a devil is what god becomes when it limits itself to a particular limited shape or form. and the devil then tries to maintain it shape or form by using all sorts of manipulations. 
 
make a list of all the forms your try to freeze and identify the ones you are most attached to freezing  (people, animals, things, ideas, stuff about your body, appearance, your life, finances, whatever it is)
 
 
"i'm not willing to let go of the position of power, money, business (oil company that destroys the environment - can you let that go for the sake of the environment and then nooo I wont let that go!.... you are selfish as fuck, you are a devil
 
 
impermanence happens because of oneness, nonduality (reality is one thing, that means that no part of reality can gain an absolute monopoly over any other part, because all parts are equally powerful, not in one moment in time, but across all of time, no part of God can be all powerful and dominate the other parts because all balances itself in the end. But every part of God is trying to do that and that is the very mechanism of devilry. Devilry is when one part of god overtake all other parts and create a monopoly.  ( The term monopoly is often used to describe an entity that has total or near-total control of a market. / the exclusive possession or control of the supply of or trade in a commodity or service.(
 
from the perspective of the part (from you) is very unfortunate that things are impermanent, because you call that death. You call that mortality and for you mortality seems very unfortunate. From the gods perspective you want the devil to be mortal, not immortal. At first glance impermanence will seem depressive and negative to you, because you are devil and you're selfish. But impermanence is a great gift. So we reform devils by showing them that impermanence is not something you fear, resist and manipulate your way to avoid but something that you embrace. 
 
Not only does impermanence liberate you in the end and reduce suffering it also hidgens appreciation, love, enjoyment and beauty of the formed world. Start to notice that the things that you love the most in your life, that are so good, are precisely good because they are temporary. It is their impermanence that makes you appreciate them so much. 
 
ice cream, caviar, favorite food, film ... if you would eat the same ice cream every day for a year you would find it disgusting
 
you appreciate things much more when they are gone (parents, children)
 
God wants to maximize the creative diversity of life. 
 
Train yourself to appreaciate the cycle of lose, this is the cycle of life, the death of one thing creates room for something else
 
"Awareness of the transience of all things heightens appreciation of their beauty, and envokes a gentle sadness at their passing. "Wikipedia
 
God is lost in translation. God is that which you cannot put into words. 
 
Impermanence means that you will:
 
lose your family. fame, status, wealth, good furtune,  health,  youth and good looks sharp mental faculties,  memories being the strongest or the best at whatever your skills and your mastery every relationship you have will die every religion will die corporation, organization, political party, social movement, cult will die trend will pass every language will die every scientific theory will die every spiritual teaching will die and become corrupt every book will be lost and forgotten every person will be forgotten every city and country will die every civilization will die, every culture, tradition, will die species will go extinct humanity will die and go extinct continents go out of existence cause they transform into something else every physical object will die
....
Every part will be made whole, every duality will collapse, every devil will merge back with God. That's what oneness means, that's what impermanence means, because life and death is a duality. The cost of being born is death. 
 
cigarette companies still cling to their products even though it's killing people, that's devilry. 
 
Foolish people try to cling and freeze reality into certain forms. 
 
One of the counter intuitive moves is to embrace impermanence rather than manipulating your way out of it. 
 
The cost of being a form is that eventually you must change form. Death is really a changing in form, you are shifting your shape . Surrender everything. 
 
Immortality is not possible via attachment to form. 
 
The bad news is that everything good that you gain in life will be lost. And the good news is that everything bad that be false you, will not be permanent. 
 
Impermanence is gods safety vault, but you labeled it as the greatest evil, precisely because your mind is limited and cannot see the full perspective. 
 
The mistake that you made is that you identified with a human being but what you truly are is a infinite shape shifter. When a shape shifter clings to his identity the suffers because it's untrue to his identity,
 
Your likes, dislikes change, every cell becomes a totally new one...but you kid yourself that you are always the same. 
 
Become an infinite shape shifter. 
 
"Shape-shifting requires the ability to transcend your attachments, in particular your ego attachments to identity and who you are. If You can get over your attachment to labeling yourself and your cherishing of your identity, you can be virtually anybody. You can slip in and out of different sheels, even different animal forms or deity forms" - Zeena Schrech
 
Form is formlessness
 
Your first awakening will be moving from form to formlessness, but it will still be a duality and you will not be fully awake. You no longer 
This duality collapses and you no longer think nirvana is some other place but that nirvana is this place and has been this place the whole time. 
 
You have to access truth like you are the first one to access it,.  Directly, here and now.
 
How to apply this wisdom:
 
Deeply observe impermanence in practice every single day. What you're feeling on your body, notice how you are being scared now and an hour later you are no longer scared.....
Train your mind that everything fades. Observe how you cling and how this clinging to permanence, trying to freeze reality, how this causes suffering for yourself. Observe yourself doing this
observe how others cling and the suffering that that causes, observe how politicians cling to their power, how celebrities cling to their fame
Gradually surrender more and more attachments.
notice yourself trying to cling to a state, like you cling to a pleasure and you want to keep that pleasure as long as possible
Try to enjoy impermanence, how it's good that you're not eating the ice cream and how it good when you're eating it
 
You become more spontaneous and able to enjoy the positives and the negatives, the peaks and the quiet moments. 
 
For the next 7 days, wear a wrist band and every time you look at it, remember to pause and remember that you're doing this exercise, trying to see things impermanence. 
 
Every moment will become more precious and special