mellifluous_mind

I am completely clouded by my emotions. My partner has complained about how I don't fully listen, and how I react emotionally when they try to speak objectively with me. This, although not at all a big deal, has been incredibly difficult, and has felt almost impossible for me to accept. I continue to deny and say, "that's not me", or cry profusely when they bring it up or get frustrated. This has a deeper meaning to my ego, as my partner has compared the behavior to his mother, which has lead him to wanting to commit suicide. Although he's admitted I am not to that extremity, it feels almost impossible for me to accept this criticism without an emotional reaction. I want to be nothing like his mother, however, the more emotionally attached I get, the less objective I become, therefore I play more into the behavior he despises. It also cycles back as it makes me incredibly worried when talking to him, (for fear of me not paying attention happening again) further clouding my head and making it more difficult to pay attention. I am also extremely attached to the beginning of our relationship, which he cites as me never behaving in this way before, and was actually one of the reasons we bonded in the first place (he enjoyed my objectivity, logical thinking, detachment from emotions clouding my thoughts, and how easy it was to talk and reason to me). This, ironically, makes me cry even more - as I feel I've completely lost that part of me, or he'll never see me in that light again. Or even worse, even if I do change the behavior, he'll always see me as an emotional wreck who can't handle objective conversation. I've brought up these concerns with him before, and he has stated that the more I repeat the positive behavior (listening more, not crying), the faster it'll all go away. He always reaffirms with me that I can fix this behavior, that it can all be a memory and won't impact my current character. But, this has been hard for my ego to believe - it always wants to tell me that I'm inadequate, not enough, and I've completely ruined everything. And I believe it. I'm just struggling with what exactly I need to do to stop this behavior. I was locked in my home with my very emotional, anxiety-run family for 6 months (they feared covid-19 to the point of self-quarantine), 2 months ago, I left to live with my father, out of being driven to near insanity. We both believe this lowered my IQ substantially, and made me way more emotional and irrational. Now, I'm still having trouble thinking clearly, or even narrowing down what exactly is bothering me. It feels my thoughts are behind a dim cloud. My rational feels completely obliterated, and I'm having trouble accepting this situation without attaching it to "you make him suicidal, you're too stupid to talk to, you've completely ruined everything.." etc. I can't accept the situation logically, without destroying myself and making myself miserable in the process. I compare myself to his ex's, to my past self, I think of false positives like "if I wear this shirt, I'll be more like my past self". I'm completely illogical. Even if I start to work on it, my mind will tell me "his ex never had to do this, you're so pathetic, he'll never love you like he loved her". If anyone has any tips on this, I would be really happy to hear. This behavior and cycle has been going on for about a year, and I'm sick of it. It's been making both of us miserable. I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him miserable, without attaching it to feelings of inadequacy, never being enough, and always being stained by this past. Thank you so much.

I've finally decided to try to stop the toll I allow my emotions to take on me. I've noticed in this past year (and other aspects of my life), this has been a behavior that appears to fulfill some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, in which I prove to myself that I'm not enough. This time last year, I had two incredible friendships from people who supported me out of an abusive relationship, and always saw me positively. I was the happiest I had ever been. I wasn't sensitive, or irrational, I felt people had viewed me as intelligent, funny, and with incredible potential. I started dating one of my friends, and I felt everything I had was too good - so I slowly destroyed it.. I did this by worrying about what he thought of me, or taking any joke as proof that he didn't love me anymore, or I wasn't as smart, funny, or interesting as he previously thought I was. Deep down, I always had this fear, that my belief of me never being enough would show through to him - and he'd see what I feel is the real me: unfunny, not smart, interesting, or special in any manner. I started getting clouded by insecurity, negative thoughts, and finding reasons to prove to myself and to him that he didn't actually love me, or that I wasn't as great as he previously thought. This small habit turned into an insane cycle of negativity. I stopped listening as much, he started getting frustrated, we started fighting, I stopped joking around, and we found it very difficult to talk to each other. All because I believed I wasn't enough, and I had to make proof for myself. Now, I'm desperate to stop this behavior. It's been a year of this damage, which has caused me to have emotional reactions nearly everyday, and has caused him immense frustration and confusion over why I choose to be miserable. I'm having trouble thinking logically, making sound decisions, and thinking ahead (this one is an issue I've never had before, I've always been overly aware of mine and other's situations). I am a 21-year-old female, who's always dealt with the underlying belief that I'm not enough. When I was 17 I discovered Leo Gura and spirituality, and I worked to try to fix this core belief. Then, I went to college for 2 years, and lost sight of it, got into an abusive relationship which seemed to have make this belief worse... I really want to detach from this belief, or fix it - I'm tired of being in a fog of my emotional reactions. I can't think straight, nothing really registers in me anymore, and even if I'm aware of my behaviors now I don't seem to fully understand the ramifications they have. I just feel lost. I don't like being this old and having these problems. I really want to work towards fixing this, but every time I try my ego tells me it's embarrassing that I even have to do that, and I should be ashamed of myself for having these issues. I just don't want to accept it...that I've done all these things and behaved these ways. I prided myself on never acting on my emotions before. I'm just ashamed and embarrassed, and have even been depressed about the state that my relationship is in due to my behaviors and emotional issues.

I am highly neurotic. I let my negative thoughts tailspin and convince me of a reality that is not true. I have convinced myself that I’m undeserving of love and happiness, or that I’ll eventually ruin a great relationship. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy/attracts that very energy, and right now if anything positive happens in my current relationship, my mind automatically finds a way to negatively interpret it. example scenario: I’m talking with my boyfriend, and I say a joke that makes him laugh, or we have a positive exchange. my thoughts: “you won’t be able to keep this up.. you’ll ruin this somehow. You’re not funny or interesting.” my behavior: Slowly get lost in my thoughts, stop paying attention to the conversation, and eventually get touchy over something or find a way to further hurt my own feelings. In other words, I act out what my thoughts tell me. Proves to myself that I’m not worthy, creates more obsessive thoughts and strong negative emotions. ~ Now with that context, I’m wondering how I can change my belief systems about myself, and my reality. I know Leo has videos on correcting these thoughts through affirmations... However, I read recently this method may not work - as you are trying to convince yourself of things that are false in your belief paradigm. This causes intense strife due to the feeling that you’re “lying” to yourself. But, if you shift belief paradigms, accepting a new reality and thought system is much easier and successful. So, you avoid feeling like you’re lying to yourself. I’m wondering if anyone has any resources or thoughts on this? My most deep-rooted belief that drives most of my neurosis is the belief that I am not good enough. I’ve even read some Jordan Peterson, who states when this feeling arises you must be a better person. However, my brain uses this to feed my own self-hatred.. If anyone has any thoughts or action to take on that belief itself, I’d really appreciate it. This has really held me back from accepting good things into my life, and has caused me to only feel comfortable this past year when I make myself miserable. I feel guilty about this wasted time (I’m 21), and am having trouble knowing what steps to take to change this belief about myself. Thank you all so much, I really appreciate the time taken to read and respond to this. Much love

At my core, I feel unworthy, seek approval from others, and convince myself I'm unworthy of happiness. I often catch myself in these moments of self-sabotage and doubt, but I feel intense guilt and anxiety when I attempt to convince myself that my thoughts are not true, and that everything is okay as it is. The anxiety is bred mostly from my beliefs that once I let my walls down, I won't be able to see the warning signs of someone getting bored of me, or the subtle cues that I'm doing something wrong. My biggest fear is to let go and discover my true self is bitter, uninteresting, unintelligent, and uncaring. In moments of newfound content or excitement for life, I guilt myself into sadness due to my perceived image of myself. I have a close friend to which I pushed away this past year due to me convincing myself that I ruined our friendship. This caused me to be sensitive to jokes around him, I would panic and misunderstand simple questions, and I'd subconsciously start fights over me perceiving him as being angry at me or insulting me (he never was). This rooted from deep insecurity and fear that he didn't want to be my friend anymore, or he saw me as unintelligent, unfunny, comparing me to others, etc... all thoughts that only my brain was telling me. So - when I try to practice self-acceptance and forgiveness, I think of all those instances that I acted from my ego, and tell myself I don't deserve to accept myself due to this behavior. I tell myself I ruined the quality of a really important friendship, and therefore I don't deserve to feel okay. I deserve instead to be punished. My brain is telling me that if I forgive myself, accept the behavior and move on, it'll just repeat itself - because I'm telling myself that this behavior is okay. I don't trust myself enough to make the distinction of a behavior I want to stop, and acceptance of my past mistakes. I viscerally fear acceptance and justification of my past unhealthy behavior. I know this is incorrect, and fear speaking, but I can't get over these thoughts. I acted in ways I never wanted to, and therefore, it feels more logical for me to sit in disappointment of myself and ruminating over everything I've done wrong. I know this isn't true, but I don't know how to convince myself to believe it yet. I want to believe I'm an endless spring of love, that my soul is endless and my potential of being spreads as far as the fabric of the cosmos is. But my past behavior makes me think that's just a lie, that maybe at my core I'm just cruel, stupid, and bland. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts on this would be really appreciated.

I have convinced myself I am unlovable and unworthy person, so much so that my mind has distorted reality to a significant degree. My relationships are suffering because I am convinced everyone is annoyed at me, or hates me. Even though I acknowledge this, when a hateful thought comes, my mind can't decipher if it's true or not. I may know it probably isn't true, I am convinced in my heart it is, and I pry the other person until I get an answer - ruining the relationship over my need of validation. I know the answer may lie in self-love and acceptance. But it is difficult for me to accept when I've become a toxic person. I don't know how to accept that fact without hurdling down more self-destruction and hatred. I'm stuck in a cycle. Any advice would be really appreciated on how to undue this thought process/self-fulfilling prophecy. Thank you so much.