Endangered-EGO

Eternity? That's part of the "nothingness". I haven't been beyond realising this is a timeless empty singular dream. I'm terrified of it too. Time just standing still. I'm not aware of it right now though, just a memory Maybe you're describing something else, but how you describe it doesn't ring a bell.

Recycle the reaction, meditate on the wall.

@ivankiss I guess now it's time for integration, shadow work. I'm also not pushing into nirvana, just in case you were wondering if you are talking to an enlightened being haha. The best meditation for emotional work is from that equanimity place with the head swaying, focusing the vibration of emotions and thoughts. I have about 5 years of work to do haha. I'm wondering if your sleep pattern is gonna develop like mine after realising non-existence. I'm not aware of falling asleep or waking up anymore it's like I'm boom gone and when I wake up I'm freaked out like "wtf time travel". Don't freak out, non-existence happens to everybody all the time, now you're just gonna notice it happening. I was afraid I had mini-seizures.

@ivankiss https://www.mctb.org/mctb2/table-of-contents/part-iv-insight/30-the-progress-of-insight/15-fruition/ He explains it perfectly, it's a non-state. You're just dead for a while. Boom gone beyond anything in reality. Congrats on achieving nirvana if you can make it last. Also he talks about 3-doors you can open. But don't forget to come back, and share your insights!

@ivankiss I'm not sure what you mean by swaying, but you could mean the equanimity head nod? Like a chicken-head-movement? If you feel like you're surrounded by white wooly comfortable cotton and your head is rhythmically moving, that's equanimity. The fewer senses you feel the stronger the equanimity. If it starts expanding it's infinite space, and if you realise that space is consciousness, then you're in high equanimity. If you realise that it's consciousness, then you're gonna feel like your Body is infinitely heavy, a really strong vibrational energy. No-existence happens all the time to everybody, enlightened or not. Noticing it and prolonging it has an effect on concentration. You're welcome, please share your insights!

@ardacigin Shinzen said in an interview that the pain in SDS is meant to being you to through the point of convulsions, and that's where the magic happens. I however don't know if I did it right, but I felt like I blacked out and forgot what I was doing, that's also what happens in the sauna sometimes. Maybe the magic is in the blackout/pass-out, because I'm still not moving.

@ivankiss Can you make the duration of non-existence longer? I know a woman who I would consider fully enlightened, she said she disappeared totally in that non-existence and that's how she permanently awakened. Trapped in heaven. Isn't it crazy that you can timetravel just like that lmao. The first time I noticed it, I i thought i had mini seizures, but that's apparently just discontinuity in consciousness. That's where the magic happens apparently. Like restarting a computer haha.

I noticed how much I suppress everything that wants to show up. Multiple times a day some thing I notice triggers a reaction, and if it's an aversion I try to let that specific thought carry me away. Holy shit: I just sat for an hour and remembered smells, feelings, conditioned patterns from my childhood. Also hidden feelings. It seems like my heart is going backwards in time, and let's me feel every pain one by one, now that it's able to digest it. I knew I suppressed stuff, but damn: shame, guilt, sadness, despair. Now I know why I felt like a robot for so long. A robot in a hostile universe. I realise that the mind needs effort to constantly keep things suppressed, but it cannot let all of it go at once, because I don't have enough working memory. I might be bullshitting myself, but it seems like the egomind did everything it could to not face the shit that comes up. I understand why people kill themselves or seek enlightenment. It's precisely because it doesn't want certain feelings, and is ready to do anything, no matter how irrational to keep those things buried deep. Even if it means burying more things and threatening to end it's own existence. Isn't it crazy how the mind trying to solve a problem BECOMES the problem. Damn I'm gonna be a good psychologist.

@ivankiss I wouldn't go as far as calling it infinite intelligence, but more of a discontinuity in consciousness. If you're able to see the vibrations in the vision, damn I'm jealous, how did you develop such a concentration haha. Just wiggle your fingers and you'll see that your movement is not fluid but more like frames adding up. Just in case you haven't tried it yet. Have you noticed that when reading or ridingthe waves of expansion and contraction that some experience is missing? Like every few seconds you disappear into the void and come back with about 0.3seconds of experience missing? With your concentration you should be able to notice it if you pay attention to it.

@Breakingthewall I absolutely want to work with shame/guilt. If this is gonna work. I'm gonna feel invincible. But every aversion to something goes so so deep down inthe unconscious back in time, on a tangent. I'm gonna need 10years to purify everything at this rate.

@Daniel347 I don't use them, but everybody is different. It's a risk, you risk more than just addiction by taking psychedelics, you risk your life and your sanity. A lot of people don't know what they get themselves into.

@Breakingthewall Yes that's it. Shame is the result of not accepting that things are. Question is: Is it possible to allow shame fully? It's very interesting, because it's a result of not allowing other underlying things fully. @Moksha Actually what lead me to work through the dukka nanas, was a guy telling me, that I didn't lose "the awakening", but that I was in the post-awakening stage in which all the conditioning shows up, and told me that there's no need to catch another glimpse. Now I'm in a position where I'm pretty certain that "the more I suffer now, the quicker and faster the future is gonna be incredible"

@peanutspathtotruth I'm not sure what's gonna happen tommorow, but I know I can only surrender in the long run. No more fighting.

@peanutspathtotruth I have no choice. It's not bravery it's a surrendering, just because my ego can't fight anymore.

@peanutspathtotruth I can meditate into equanimity and digest guilt shame etc. I believe. Observing it with laserfocus non-judgemental awareness. I also suppress positive things, damn my mind is fucked up ??

@Daniel347 Yes.

@ardacigin something is wrong with my spine, I fear that SDS might damage it. I have thought about buying hot sauce and see how far up I can go in the scoville scale without suffering. What do you think about that? It's just intense pain, without damaging the body.

@ardacigin Hey man, it's nice to hear. I have had bad experiences with SDS and other hardcore practices. I go to the sauna multiple times a week when possible, often I can stay equanimous and I believe that if I wanted to, I could just sit in a sauna until I die without suffering. However I noticed that I do those extreme practices because I want to escape from the emotional suffering and instead of training equanimity in the emotional space, I just suppressed it and detached from physical pain, because that gives me a sense of control.

@Leo Gura You should watch his ridiculous creationist debate if you want to see that he is more lost in metaphysics than a creationist. He honestly claimed there's no difference between "spontaneous emergence of life" and genetic engineering. He didn't realise that putting a nuclei in a different cell was not as impressive as life automatically emerging in a closed system.

@blessedlion1993 That thought process led a psychotic guy from this forum to jump off a bridge. It's very dangerous territory. It can be true on an absolute sense, but on a relative sense you're gonna cause suffering to people who believe they are real. And then they'll suffer and then they'll die, like everything else. Good days and bad days. You're not here to (transc)end this dream, but to enjoy it. Play the game like you're supposed to. The you that limited yourself can "unlimit" you anytime, it doesn't do it, because it doesn't want to.

I think I just realised the Essence of every teaching that promises spiritual liberation and purification. Please correct me if I am wrong or if you would like to add something to it. I'm gonna put it in advaida and vipassana terms. The distance between now and Liberation is at every Instant always so close. The distance is between "What IS" and "What should BE". When "What Should BE" becomes "What IS" then there's only what IS and nothing obstructing what IS from you. If I am right, then every instant of "What should be", that feeling of aversion, subtle or not is an OPPORTUNITY to be re-wired to WHAT IS. Shinzen Young calls that "recycle the reaction" and "the taste of purification". Easy example: Melancholy. I use that, because it has a taste of nostalgia, love and grief to it. You were so in Love, and you have lost it. I'm going to simplify it. In an Instant of Melancholy, WHAT IS Without you wanting to change it: Love, Nostalgia. WHAT SHOULDNT be: Grief and Loss with the thoughts about why grief and loss is bad. Integration means observing grief and loss with the same openness and concentration as what is accepted. The aversion ALWAYS gives a hint to "what is, but shouldn't be" The stronger the aversion, the stronger the purification if integrated entirely. "Once you get the taste of purification, the progress is going to be exponential" -Shinzen Young. So every type of suffering is potential for extreme growth, if handled correctly. I was a Wim Hof fan for so long, because intense physical pain would put me in a state of equanimity. Even though there's nothing wrong with it, the problem was I used cold and hot pain to avoid the Aversion towards what is (emotionally), without needing to face it right away. The Intense suffering Wim experienced after losing his daughter to suicide is what led him to jump in ice cold water for the first time. Sorry I'm rambling haha. The punch in the face is: For whatever reason you believe you want Liberation. You're gonna have to eventually work through that suffering you want to escape from. But don't worry, you're not gonna have to start with that, you can get the taste for purification first. Shinzen Videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyRaFN3TKYM&t https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HPObyaLB68&t https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsyekyUsImc

I don't know how I should put that, how I should describe my experience. It's been 3 days since I am "trapped" in the 4th jhana, and I feel like before that every type of human suffering annihilated my ego. I feel like I've snapped, and realise that there's no I that can get liberated, because the "I" got pushed into submission. I cannot self-assess what's going on, because the question is just a question, and it changes nothing to the state I am in. Idk if that makes sense. I cannot ask that question, but maybe I'm deluded and only believe that. My perception changed a little bit. And I see things I didn't see before. I saw a random person's face and I clearly could feel the beauty in that. As if I was programed to love faces. I think I'm aware of the absence of existence of a fraction of a second that happens regularly through out the day, especially while reading. As if some frames of a movie were cut out. I don't know if I snapped, If have some neurological problems, if that's a spiritual lobotomy or whatever. But I know for sure there's no way "back", well I believe there's no way back. I have weird thoughts, like I stood in front of the mirror and thought: "Oh I am Adam, the first man on earth" and then laughed, this sounds like I'm insane. And I perceived (only thoughts) my Body from behind me while being in front of the fridge. I don't know if I have a sense of self except self-referential thoughts, and that weird energy/pressure/contraction in the Body and head.

Yes that's it I stood in front of the mirror and I have Body hair. Funny what crazy shit the mind comes up with haha.

@RobertZ Hey, thank you! It was a really weird experience. I wasn't grounded for a few days, I believe that was the effect of intense meditation and purification. Felt like my mind needed to pull itself back together. I am now in a grounded state. I am aware of spiritual emergencies, and how bad it can get for some people. Fortunately except mild anxiety, nothing too bad has happened yet. I needed to let the pressure of the dukkha nanas out, and I might have gone a little too fast. Everything is good now, I'm healthier than before! If things had gotten too bad, I would have gone to the hospital, get some benzos and nurses carrying me to bed hehe. A Jhana is a state of concentration.

I just call it "the taste of heaven", because it's the most fulfilling "experience" I have had the pleasure to realise. You probably have different names for it. I've already tasted it for an entire day, and now I've just realised it for a second. It's when the background, the structure of consciousness reveals itself, and the "I-am-here-now" either disappears or becomes part of the content, and not the relative structure of existence where you believe you are located. The apparent boundaries, of that already boundless experience vanish. Wow. Just an instant of that makes me grateful. I want that, but it's the other way around. It's this matrix of experience being loved into existence. That's like being reborn. Wow, and some people are trapped in Heaven and there's nothing they can do to get out. Thank all of you, for pulling people up to heaven. A few days ago I realised that living in duality, was a prison and that there is nothing, not a single thing or possibility within the content that could relieve someone from that hopeless, misery of separation. If there's one thing that's imperfect, the ego-self will continue to highjack control of this existence. If there's enough concentration, clarity and presence, and the ego forgets that something is imperfect, the sense of separate self will allow for a 180degree turn from background to foreground and this experience is loved into existence. This taste of heaven, cannot occur if there's a "doing", because that "doing" is hijacking experience and context/structure. Now "I want that back", and "I'm gonna try", because I want that drop of heaven, that's more fulfilling than anything within the entire Universe. But I'm not gonna get it, because the I that wants it, is the I that highjacks control and narrative of structure and context. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pointer (That just worked for me): Just look at everything that's happening. Notice that nothing is solid/graspable, and everything is a vivid alert openness. You can't find it, doesn't have a limit/boundary, transparent , no location, no beginning, no end. It's the matrix, but not the thought of the matrix. No content, just boundless openness you can intuit. This is what allows ALL of your experience to happen. It comes upon you, it reveals itself to you. A timeless background from which everything in the foreground happens. Every percept's background is it. If you think you've found it, it's not it. It's the ultimate subject of all object. The behind the scenes. That pure awareness revealing itself. Not where consciousness/awareness is. Every point is just an object. Not inside your head or Body. Because "inside" is an experience. It's the background in which everything arises. It's outside of personal consciousness.